S1E12 - 'The Duchess Comes Clean' REMASTERED

Prime Video offers the best in entertainment. The end of the world continues with Fallout 2. A global phenomenon, inbegred by Prime. I heard you about what to do in this situation. Look at the epic end of the unwritten story of The Witches of Oz. Buy or buy? Wicked for good now. I'm taking you to see The Wizard. There's no going back. So what you also look, Prime Video. Here you look at everything. Prime is advised, especially to buy or buy. Inhoud can be advertised 18+. All the rules are used to be used. the following podcast contains adult themes sexual content and strong language basically all the good stuff jamie why are we here we're here because my dad's written a porno your dad's written a porno erotic literature why Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno. Beside it sat two rounds of what looked like turkey sandwiches. With vigour. Similar vigour. Similar vigour. Similar vigour. Comparable vigour. Slum your buddy down and similar figure. Is there a Flintstone grandma? No, no, I apologise in advance. Okay, um, Pearl Pebbles Slag Hoople. Hi guys, it's porno day again. Woohoo! Yay! My dad wrote a porno is back. I'm here with James and Alice again. Hi. Hello. We should say hello to the Belinkers, which is the name of our fandom. Oh, our Belinkers. It's never going to take off, Jane. Let it die. I think it already has taken off. Actually, has anyone even called themselves? I mean, he's really, really rammed home hashtag porno day. And finally, people are like, OK, fine, hashtag porno day. That has taken off. It hasn't trended yet, but it has taken off. People have succumbed to porno day, but Belinkers. Is it Belinkers? So the first half of Belinda, so Bel. Bel. And then the last half of Blinkers, so Belinkers. Belinkers. Like any good joke, takes quite a lot of explaining. Also, it's like Justin Bieber's Beliebers. There's layers to it. I mean, you keep explaining it. It's very clever. It's really funny. Gets funnier and funnier. Good job. So anyway, for everyone who's still listening, welcome back. Can you guys believe that we are on the penultimate chapter of Blind Blinked? It's mental, right? Feels like a long time coming. Does it feel like there's time for it to wrap up? No. Oh, God, no. Well, nothing's actually happened. That's the weird thing. Do you think it's going to be two chapters of just pure action now? I hope not. Fingers crossed. What counts as pure action, actually? You're right, yeah. Painstaking admin in steals, pots and pans. Well, you know, the book is starting to change people's lives. It's changed mine. I wouldn't... Irreversibly. Yeah, it's certainly changed mine. Yeah, everyone's desensitised to sex, but apart from that... And it's my dad. And it's your dad. So my whole family dynamic's completely different. We should come home more often. I don't feel like we ever bring that up. Well, it's become so normal to us all now. We've kind of forgotten. And even I've kind of forgotten. Yeah. So you're screwed. So that's how it's changed your life. Thank you. It's a life. Cheers. We've had an email from a girl who said her friend lost her virginity because of this podcast. Fuck. What are you talking about? I'm not even joking. Surely this would stop people from having sex. So her friend. This is great birth control. I thought we were doing something for the planet. Yeah, I've always seen it as contraception. Overpopulation will kill us all. Her friend has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for three years. They've never had sex. And she was starting to get a bit nervous about it, you know, blah, blah, blah. And they started listening to my dad wrote a porno together. I don't know if he's being serious. I can't tell. Is this honestly true? I'm for real. Where's the punchline? This is for real, guys. And it kind of broke down the barriers of like, you know, they started laughing at all these sexual scenarios and things like this. and it kind of made sex less intimidating for them both. Wow. What? I mean, no, wait. I can kind of talk of she doesn't make. If you've never had sex, totally fine, but do not use this as some kind of guide. No, this is very much a what not to do. I was going to say, please don't tell me that they built their own leather room or something. He grabbed her cervix, no, you know. And she's now in hospital. But yeah, so because of Belinda and her sexy ways, Wow. It made them realise sex is okay. That is the most bizarre and happy story. I mean... Yeah, considering that sex is never okay in this book. Oh, what a lovely story. And with that, I think we should get on with the book. That's so weird as well, because there was that other email where that person felt really intimidated by business, and this book inspired them to start their own business. And they've now got a turnover of £3.4 million. In pots and pans. They're huge in skillets. We've got an email from Mr. LaCruise. He is a huge fan, to be fair. What is today's chapter called, Jamie? Well, as we said last week, it is a bit of a charged chapter title because it's called The Duchess Comes Clean. Yes. This is an ambiguous title, if I recall. It might just mean that she actually has a shower and physically cleans herself of all of the gubbins. Knowing Rocky, it probably would be the sort of mundane thing that would fill a chapter. At this stage, he's just filling word count. Okay, so, Belinda blinked. Chapter 13. The Duchess comes clean. It was 6.30 in the morning when Belinda awoke from her deep sleep. The receptionist had left at 2.30, giving her a much-needed four-hour sleep. There was much to do and certainly no time for breakfast, even if it were being served by the very sexually fulfilled night receptionist called Sam. Who? Is that the youngish man? Oh my God, Sam. He just slips in the name of the youngish man. We said we'd never find out. I've wanted to know for about four chapters what this guy's called. He'll always be the youngish man to me. He just nonchalantly slips it in, so to speak. That was Alphonse, I think. I think that was Alphonse Jim Sterling Peter Brown. Sam the youngish man slash the night receptionist. Also, yeah, why is the night receptionist serving breakfast? He should be going home. Or he should at least have his job title changed for each job he does. Receptionist, day or night. This time Belinda dressed in one of her simple one black work dresses with matching lace bra and panties Sorry This is the most covered up she ever been What do you mean one piece I don't know. A dress is always in one piece. Unless it's got like the bra and panties attached, I don't know. It's just like jumps into it. You know those really cheap shirts that you can get from Primark that have like a t-shirt sewn into them as well? Oh, do you think it's just all as one? Yeah. This is kind of the classiest she's dressed so far, I think. She's dressed, which is, I think we'd all agree, an improvement. Her plan was very simple. Always is. She would get back to the motel, release the Duchess's ankles from the yellow handcuffs, take her back to the chairman's house where she could collect her company car and get into work for nine. Right, okay, a few things. One, there's no way those handcuffs are keeping the Duchess on the bed, like those plastic handcuffs. Belinda snapped them in half. Exactly. Well, Belinda is the Hulk, to be fair. She is. Yeah, I guess the Duchess is an older lady, but still, if you were desperate. Can we stop saying older lady? She's only in her 50s. Hey, these are Rocky's words, not mine. So she's attached to the bed still, which I had kind of forgotten actually. I thought she was just dozing. But Belinda kind of wants to make good. She wants to... Yeah, like return her. Return her, get her car and get into work for nine. Never going to happen. She doesn't even need to be there at 9am. Do you remember? She finally's around for two hours. She's getting him at 11. It's fine. And also, I think if a day in lieu was ever called for... Fucking hell. Take it as a holiday, sweetheart. Working from home, I think, explains a lot of Belinda's success. The Duchess could then collect her trailer from the motel and continue her sex life as she wanted. Or life. More and the same, James. I must go, I've got to continue my sex life. What the hell? I also love, like, I've just got to pick up my trailer. It makes it sound like... What, so those two things aren't that compatible, are they? hitching your wagon and your sex life. Is that the trailer that's got the sofa and the gin and tonics in? It's like a lounge. Oh, so it's a bit of a sex den, actually. So she just travels around the country with that, just luring women into it, feeding them gin and tonic. She sniffs out the nearest tombola. Sniffing out the next tombola. Oh, look, sign for a summer fate, off I go. She's like a really upmarket carny. So the Duchess could then collect her trailer from the motel and continue her sex life as she wanted. but without her involvement. Thank you. So Belinda's done with the Dutchie. I'd like to extricate myself from this whole situation. Belinda would also reluctantly return the horse riding outfit which had served her extremely well all Sunday evening. Reluctantly return? You stole it. Borrowed. Borrowed, okay, fine. The traffic was non-existent as she left the horse and jockey. Sam had obviously gone to kitchen duty so no time was lost in saying farewell. Does Sam ever not work? I know, my God, he's like a little machine. Sam is a worker bee. It's like Oliver Twist. The company was picking up the tab on the overnight room and meals, so she got off to a good start. What? Literally makes no sense. I thought she said she wasn't having breakfast. She quickly motored through the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside. I have a feeling it said, did it say something about? No, James said, congratulations, you're in Cambridge. I was close. You were right in that it was a university town. A shire, Jamie A shire, sorry University shire She quickly motored through the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside to the motel where she had left the Duchess attached to her bed The horse box was still in the parking spot where she had left it and the motel room looked quiet Well it would, it's 6.30 in the morning Belinda jumped out of the big vehicle and entered the room In the bedroom, she found the Duchess where she had left her albeit her makeup now smeared to hell So she's just been clawing at her face How? Belinda switched off the bedside light And gently shook the Duchess awake She's still fast asleep I just imagine like a rag doll like Come on, wake up To be fair, he does say gently But I can't imagine it's that gently No Pushing her on the bed You've come back to release me Was the first words she murmured It's like some shit fairy tale Belinda's Prince Charming all of a sudden Well, with that monster prick. She's still wearing that. Yeah, she never took that off, did she? She's been rocking that the whole night. You've come back to release me, was the first word she murmured. Yes, said Belinda, equally as softly, but you must understand that I was your sex servant, so now you are mine. No, that's not how it works. That's on the rules. Also, she's got to be at work at nine. She can't be having sex servants. Yeah, why is she fanning around? Literally. I was your sex servant, so now you're my sex servant. That's going to be a real, like, vicious cycle to get out of. What happened to just turning the other cheek? Exactly. Bum cheek. Oh, one of the four. The Duchess started to sob softly and replied. I do not blame her. Tears of joy? I always knew it would come to this. Oh, no. This is where she's going to come clean. I have to tell you, I was a very reluctant player in this erotic game. As if! Reluctant! Reluctant is not the word I'd use. She's the one who brought out the crop. Seriously! She could have just brought Belinda back to her motel and made her a lovely cup of tea. They could have played Scrabble. There's a lot between what they did and what they could have done. If you're reluctant, you don't make a horse box with a sofa in. And then pour Virginia and Tonic. Some would say that was premeditated. I mean, unless she just whipped that up 60-minute makeover style, then yeah, it was. I mean, to be fair, she does dress a lot like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowens. That is true. She does have a lot of flamboyant outfits. I was a very reluctant player in this erotic game. They left me no choice in the end. Who's going on? And now here I am. Who, the Illuminati? I think Rocky's a member of the Illuminati. He does have great power. Wait a second. Is this anything to do with, what was he called, the Knight of the Realm? Oh, Sir James Godwin. Sir James Godwin. I think it's anything to do with Sir James Godwin. Guys, this is bigger than all of us. This goes right to the top. Wait, do you mean not just kitchenware? Do you mean, like, homeware? Oh, my God. They left me no choice in the end, and now here I am, a sex servant to you, Miss Belinda. Excuse me, you could do a lot worse than Belinda actually and I don't like to defend Belinda but don't turn your nose up about being a sex slave to Belinda And also don't call her Miss Belinda Miss Belinda Miss Belinda Miss Belinda Miss Belinda I couldn possibly Miss Belinda Belinda blinked We promised we take a layer off when she said it Boys, shirts, I'll go skirt. Oh, gross. Belinda blinked. Was this whole episode a game organised by somebody else? What, this episode? Was there a master planner behind all of the Tombola activities and the ramifications they were producing? If there is, what is their plan? What possible outcome were they hoping to achieve? It certainly couldn't be coincidence that she, Bella and Giselle were the ones to be made servants. Are you so thick though? What do you mean? Of course. Is this getting like self-referential? Is he about to go, and the man behind it all was Rocky Flintstone. The Wizard of Oz, if you will. We talked about this, Rocky writing himself into the book. Oh my God, is this the moment? it certainly couldn't be coincidence that she, Bella and Giselle were the ones to be made servants perhaps the Duchess knew more than she was telling yeah, she's about to tell you she's just said, I've got to be straight with you she needed to proceed softly she needed the Duchess on her side if you can call me Miss Belinda then I will happily call you my lady is this a good start to an equal relationship between us? what? what's happened? who's talking? Belinda, I think is the Duchess English? This is Belinda speaking. Why is she calling her Miss Belinda, please? I think she thinks it's like sexy or a bit of titillation. I'm not quite sure. What, so she's sobbing. I'm getting Miss Belinda. She thinks that's sexy. Also, not equal, Miss Belinda and Milady. Yeah. I think so. Yes, I know so. Oh, how I do one. This is ludicrous. I think so. What? No, I think so. No, I know so. Just give the port oven a hug and a hanky. That's all you want, James, isn't it? Hug and a hanky. Great night in for James. Oh, how I do want to be a sexual servant to you, Miss Belinda. I just want you to fuck me hard with my beautiful black leather dildo. You turn. Seriously. Anyway, yeah, you were saying about the master plan? Also, she's gone from sobbing to being like, dust off the dildo, time for tea. I just want you to fuck me hard with my beautiful black leather dildo and respect me for what I am, a happy sex servant to you. This is a beautiful greetings card. Well, that's fine, I suppose, from your perspective. But what do I get out of this relationship, replied Belinda. Sex. She made that quite clear. But what do I get out of the relationship, replied Belinda. The Duchess thought for a moment. I know that sexually I'm a bit over the top Age wise that is Don't be so hard on yourself Duchess Did you mean over the hill? Yeah because I thought you meant like A bit flamboyant sexually like you know A bit OTT? Yeah not most people usually Hang on she might mean that Hang on I know that sexually I'm a bit over the top Age wise that is But I do assure you I am a fanatical lover And in my role as your sex servant I will do your every bidding Fanatical lover Something says Crazy This is I don't know what it is There's just something about the wording That's making me think Run for the hills Yeah I wish we had like An earpiece in Belinda's zoo Be like Belinda get out of that room It's not safe Abort the mission She's a fanatical lover Keep on the handcuffs But you know Yeah exactly Do not unleash her But you know for Belinda That's green light She's going to be like Whoopie do Yeah Whoopi Goldberg. She there too. Probably. And in my role as your sex servant, I will do your every bidding. I am open to all new sex erotica and I promise to never disobey you in the sexual act. I will drink your orgasms and eat your vagina all day long until you order me to stop. Bon appétit. I'd order her to stop before she got to the point where she was eating my vagina. Not that I have one. Chewing a labia over breakfast. Oh, come on. Eat your orgasm. No, drink your orgasm. In an impeccable glass, I would hope. She's insatiable, the Duchess. Didn't the Duchess eat all the nipples? Yeah. She is ravenous. Eat her vagina. I just think it's so unnecessary. Why aren't you too bothered? The whole thing is unnecessary. Because it's a penultimate chapter and we've been through so much. How are you still shocked? I don't know. I will drink your orgasms and eat your vagina all day long until you order me to stop. Belinda quickly interrupted and said, I get your intentions and they are truly what I need of you if you wish to become my sex servant. But surely a person is well connected to the lineage of Britain. I mean, you being a duchess, with all what that means. Belinda, when you try and be posh, you're like... With all what that means, Governor. M'lady. M'lady, with all that you own, what is nice and expensive, you must have connections. Buy the bucket, m'lady, what one said once. Yeah, she's starting to sound like Nancy out of honor, isn't she? Street urchin. I mean, you being a duchess, with all what that means, could surely open doors. I couldn't dream of ever even encountering. Right. Is this a comment on class? Yeah, maybe. And on kind of the hierarchy that we all live in. What's she saying? Like, I want to be with you for your connections, or is she saying you're too good for me? People love hearing that. Oh, what, you think she's saying we're just in different worlds? Yeah, we're two different people. No, but I think she wants to be part of the Duchess's world. Oh, she's the Little Mermaid. Sorry, another musical reference. What was it like? How did Rocky describe it in the blurb? The set. The plush riding set. Yeah. Oh. Miss Belinda, I adore you so much. Yes. You met her last night. Since when? I know, seriously. I adore you. I adore you. Is she still sobbing? I think she's perked up, actually. Miss Belinda, I adore you so much. Yes, I will be able to introduce you into the highest sexual circles in the land. She didn't say sexual circles. She just had the higher circles. She just wants to meet posher people. Oh, yeah, she's put sex in there, hasn't she? Maybe that's the only place that she's got access to, poor duchess. Oh, they only want her for a baddie. Not the House of Lords. The House of Smut What you think Belinda wants access to the House of Lords Actually probably She clean up in there like fish in a barrel She be like I wrap up a jane pipe Belinda bent over. Of course she did. Belinda bent over and pulled the plastic handcuffs off the Duchess's ankles. Again. What, broke them off without a key? The Duchess stood up and stretched her cramped body. Cramped? Sexy. Sexy. Nothing so sexy like cramp. Her nipples hardened with her feeling of freedom and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the whole of the fateful Titanic together. Yay! The Duchess has got nipples from the Titanic. Now, Titanic's my favourite film, so I know exactly what he's talking about here. Iceberg, iceberg. So specific. Here's a reference I can get on board with. So unsexy, so many people died. Like, why are you using the Titanic as a sexual reference? Why? Please read that again. That is amazing. And also, one of my dad's ancestors died on the Titanic. So this is kind of a tribute. It's what he would have wanted, I think. How moving. Where did his brain go? Seriously. Her nipples hardened with the feeling of freedom, and they were now as large as a three-inch rivet, which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together. The fateful Titanic. How big are her nipples? Apart from anything else. It was the ship of dreams, for fuck's sake. It was massive. It really was. Three inches. That is. Hang on. How many centimetres in an inch? 2.5. 7.5 centimetres long. Jesus Christ. Wow. No. Like, wide? Yeah, do you mean across or out? Oh, good point. Don't know. It doesn't say. I imagine length. I also love that with freedom, it made her nipples do that. Do you ever do that after, like, I don't know, a long coach journey? You're just like, oh, there they go. They're free. Imagine how huge Nelson Mandela's would have been when he walked out of that prison. Can you imagine? And nobody ever speaks of it. And Rocky is the only one that tells the truth. Everyone was so polite and not mentioned it as he walked out. They were like, I mean, it's great. It's like a real feat for, like, humankind. But also, look at his nips. Nelson Mandela is smuggling peanuts. Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet. She needed to touch them, caress them. Tighten them with a spanner. She needed to touch them, caress them, and finally suck them. It's going to taste irony. The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires. Sucked her nipples. Basically. Tweet and played around and sucked them. After two minutes of caressing and sucking, the Duchess carefully removed Belinda's one-piece black work dress. Just a dress. You can just say dress. One-piece dress. How does Rocky think it's in parts? Does Wilma wear zip-off sleeves or is it somehow Velcroed? I hope not. I really hope not. The Duchess carefully removed Belinda's one-piece black work dress. She then slowly removed her black lace bra And after a few moments Her panties You hate the word panties Panties, it's the worst I can't even say it I think that's our first mention as well No, it was said earlier I obviously blocked that out You mentally blocked it Please don't repeat that line She then slowly removed her black lace bra And after a few moments Her panties So he repeats it Said it again. Thank you, Jamie. Clearly said it again. Belinda stepped out of her high heels and guided the Duchess back to the bed. I thought you were going to say, to the top of the vagina. It's the only place she ever guides anyone. And that's the end of chapter 13. No! That was dialogue heavy. Yeah. That was terrible dialogue heavy. And sex light. It's building up to a big finale, I think, though. What on earth is going to happen in the final chapter? And also, the Duchess didn't really come clean. What have we actually learned? That revelation was never fully explained. Oh yeah, she sort of started to reveal that she didn't really want to be the sex slave, but nothing else. Yeah. And also, she clearly did want to be the sex slave. Look at her. Happy as Larry. Do you think, like, at this point when Rocky was writing, he was just like, rushing to the end of the book now. He's like, just got to get finished. Get out the door. Did he have a holiday booked or anything? Probably. I'm left with more questions than answers. more so than usual because there's normally that but this time we were promised dancers and we never got them so what are our questions what's the master plan where's Sam where's Sam why did Belinda not take advantage of the buffet breakfast but did take advantage of Titanic's rivets that was my favourite bit of this chapter I think that is a genius move and he always he always surprises me yeah pull it out the bag never underestimate Rocky that is what I've learnt The man deserves a knighthood, it's true. I'm lobbying for that, by the way. So sad there's only one chapter left. I don't know what I'm going to do once it's over. I know. I'm hoping that I can rebuild some sort of father-son dynamic and carry on with my life. I wouldn't bother. Because I think he's working on more material and you'll just have to kind of break it down again. Yeah. Are we going to hang out once the podcast is done? I see no reason. No, I mean... Can this just be one of those secret, like in the future we just pretend it never happened and we just don't talk to each other? This is just a crazy summer we had that time. Next week is the finale, but we should stress about that very special Christmas Day bonus episode. And we need you guys to help us with that because we basically want your questions for Rocky. They can be about anything. Literally anything. The Titanic, if you want to know more about the history of the Titanic. Maybe you want to know what the recipe is for the turkey sandwiches. Oh, yeah. My question is going to be, what is the master plan? Well, we might find that out next week. so by Christmas day you'll know the master plan and you'll be like oh thank god I know oh then I'm not going to send my questions just don't bother and you can submit your questions by going to our website mydadreaderporno.com forward slash questions and just submit them Rocky eagerly awaits those questions I'm sure oh yeah he is raring to go actually so he has a list of his own questions about his own book he'll set aside the writing for five minutes do the questions and then come back to it yeah five minutes is at least a book and a half so see you next week for the last one guys yeah thanks for listening everybody do you guys want to go and watch Titanic now? I really do that's all I watch