Something's Really Weird About My Sexy New Neighbor | Creep Cast

Welcome back to Creepcast! Today I'm solo! My co-host just gave birth. His child's name is Tonka. inside of his womb. They also found the Spear of Destiny, the Rosetta Stone and Half-Eaten chocolate bar of Garadelli chocolate. So congrats to Windipussy and his worm, Tonka. So today I am alone because Isaiah is dealing with his new grub, so it is just me. I'm going to give the man a break. So guess what, bitches? You are stuck with me. That's it! You're going to see why this is a dynamic duo and not a single show, all right? There's going to be a lot of weaknesses that happen here. I have, you know, I'm not even going to apologize, all right? I am a poor reader. Ironic, I know, but here we are. So for people that don't know, I am here with my beautiful Patreon chat. This is being live streamed right now. So if you ever feel like you want to be a part of this epileptic nightmare, right? Are you having a seizure? I don't know. feel free to come over to the Patreon we have a good time for people that are reading or listening on Spotify and Apple Podcasts thank you so much for going with us here oh my mom's here this bitch just had to ruin the flow hello I'm doing good I'm recording Creepcast here oh nice there's an audience here as well, so if you want to say hi. Well, hello. Hi, everyone. And, uh, take care of a few things for Dad's day. He's on point with all the things. Uh, alright, well, uh, if you can, would you mind just shutting the door? Alright, bye-bye. Bye. Okay. There it is. So we're going to be doing a story that I feel like Isaiah wouldn't like or he wouldn't want to be a part of, and it's going to be called Something's Weird About My Sexy Neighbor. Something's really weird about my sexy new neighbor. Oh, shit. Who's the editor? Put up the author's name. God damn it. Harry even sent me that, too. Also, for audio people, editor, put in an audio version of what the author's name is. Jared Roberts. See, Isaiah does this part usually, and then I get to learn about it as well. There you go. That's also one of the things. So, without further ado, we're going to jump into it. Something's really weird about my sexy new neighbor written by Jared Roberts. So thank you to Jared Roberts for writing this. And we will leave a link below to go show them support. So please do that. Okay. I've never had a sexy neighbor in my life. I've only ever had 53-year-old men. So this will be new to me. All right. Here we go. Mom, did you hear Isaiah had his baby? Isaiah had his baby. Yeah. Is it a boy or a girl? I don't know. They just said that the child's name is Tonka. Oh, just now? Yep, just now. No. I can show you a picture of it. All right, girl, don't laugh at the name. His name is Tonka. It's a good name, like the truck. It does seem like a yellow toy. oh my god did you say I want one so bad you have like three you have two I'm tired of voting pepper I want one like Isaiah's you want one like Isaiah's you want a skinny you're saying that you want a skinny child is what you're saying I think I have a Well, you're the one who did the diet, bitch. All right, here we go. All right, here we go. Something's really weird about my sexy new neighbor, written by Jared Robert. About two weeks ago, my parents moved me and my little bro into a fancier home in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Okay, well, there is no such thing as a fancy home in Tulsa, Oklahoma. So, Dad got a new, better-paying job. That's the reason they gave us, at least. I know they wanted to keep Sam out of trouble. He's a good kid. He's just got a lot of imagination. I tell him we should make comics. Anyway, we were only there for a day or two when Sam starts to notice our new next-door neighbor. I'm like, what's the big deal? Because he's telling me I have to come see the neighbor. Quick! Quick before she goes in. So I rush over to his bedroom window. Because it looks down at the neighbor's house. I'm thinking I'm going to see a weirdo with a stuffed cat or something. But it's just this older woman. Maybe about 40. She looks pretty in like a Barbie doll kind of way It's weird though Because it's really raining out there And she's just walking to the road To check her mailbox You see the titties on that? Okay, come on now All right, now this is some real conversation for the boys here, all right? Here we go. You see the titties on that, Sammy has? You see the fucking titties on that? You see those big fun bags? Okay, that's improv. Arthur, you can take that if you want. I slapped the back of his head. Dad taught us to treat women with respect. He knows better. But he was right, though. damn she's stacked with her shirt getting all wet we're seeing a lot more than we should damn dude fucking full steam ahead holy shit okay I was a little jealous the neighbor on my side is a fat guy who likes mowing shirtless yep so I said to him I think we're spending a lot of quality time together what the fuck brother me and you are going to have bonus together in this room and we're going to watch the big titty 40 old lady outside your door. I'd be looking at the shirtless Moen guy, wouldn't you? I'd sit there and I'd be like, I want to see the guy on the John Deere bouncing up and down like this. I'd say to him, I'd say, you can have her. I got Jim. That's what I'd say. And that's how and why we started paying so much attention to the neighbor. Sam swiped dad's old army surplus binoculars, and I had a telescope from when I was 12, and I thought I'd be able to see the other plants and stuff. Each night after moving in, we'll be turning out the lights and hoping for a show. God damn, dude. Binoculars and a telescope? How close of them titties are they trying to get? Good Lord. I don't think I've ever actually, I don't think I've ever peeped on anyone with binoculars. You see it a lot in movies from back in the day, but I feel like binoculars are harder to come by now. Don't you think so? I don't know. Feels like one of those things where I'm like, where the fuck do you even buy binoculars? You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't know what titties would smell like. If I had a smell-o-vision pointed at a big old pair of middle-aged titties, I don't know what they would smell like. Maybe like pumpkins. Imagine pumpkins. Day six! It didn't take long before we noticed some odd things about this lady. Like, doesn't ever seem to sleep. Her light stayed on all night. We could see her walking around, still in the same shirt. Like she didn't change it in days. I don't care if she don't sleep, Sam said. Why the hell won't she get naked? I hate that shirt now. Why won't she get naked? Maybe she's a meth head. That's a big thing in Oklahoma. She didn't look like a meth head. How'd you know? The internet. We moved in six days ago. That night was the first Saturday after we moved in. That's when we saw the first really strange thing happen. We were peeking out the window like usual. Nothing happened in a while and we were getting tired. Screw this. She's never going to show the goods. JP, Sam said. No, I'm going to bed. I can see the tits on the internet all I want. Sam grabbed my hand. Sam grabbed my hand. Not my arm. My hand. He hadn't done that since he was like five. JP, look. He said with a swallow. He was pointing to her backyard. I looked where he was pointing. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to see. It's 2 a.m. There isn't any light in the backyard except moonlight. And she had a big tree back there. So I used the telescope. Once I got it pointed and I adjusted, I see a white shape comes into focus. And I'm looking at a face. Her face. She's in her backyard, peeking out from behind that tree. and she's looking right up at our window. Our lights are off, so she shouldn't be able to see us, right? But she does. You know how you just know? We knew. I jump back from the window with a gasp. Oh, shit! How long has she been there? He just shakes his head. We should be more embarrassed than scared. I'm a little of both. The same is just scared. That's weird, man. That's weird. I tell him not to worry. She's probably just turning the tables on us. We were kind of invading her privacy after all, so that'll teach us. Then we ask, Is she still there? I don't want to look. It's just too freaky. So I take out my phone, turn on the camera, and take a video for about 30 seconds. I just hold it up to the window and wiggle it around a little. Mr. Floppy. Then I turn the phone back in. When we play back the video, we're relieved. Just the tree. No white face watching us from behind it. My wiggling somehow got the whole backyard and she ain't there. Sam sighed and threw himself back on his bed. I decided to watch the video over again, just to be sure. The backyard really was clear. It's just, that wasn't all. When I was pulling the camera back, it briefly pointed down, directly below our window, and there she was, staring straight up. Right there. Close enough she could probably hear us talking. I shouted a curse word and dropped my phone. Sam sat right up. I showed him. Just to be sure I wasn't imagining things. And he saw it too. We slept in my room that night and decided to tell Dad what happened in the morning. We knew it wouldn't go well. But at this point, Dad was less scary than the sexy neighbor. Alright, that actually got me a bit. Hunter, take off your clothes. Alright. Hey, Mom! Come here real quick. Grandma, if you want to, you can come in here too. Got a question for you. Yes. I'm reading a story right now, and I need a female's perspective. Who's that? In a story, two young men. How young? I'm going to say they're probably in their teens. Not even men, two boys. Okay. Their next-door neighbor is a 40-year-old lady with big titties, And they're taking binoculars and a telescope to look at her to see if they can catch a glimpse of the fun bags. Now, they see her reciprocating that night. They look in her backyard. They're like, what the hell is going on? And they see that woman's face behind a tree peeking back at them. Now, would that be something that a female really does? Or if you caught those boys doing that, how would you reciprocate? well i certainly wouldn't go like stalk them behind a tree i would probably hold up a sign or something so next time be like i know you're trying to see my tits stop or i'm going to tell your parents do one of those deals that's it yeah i mean they're freaking teenage boys you would look at me like hey you stop that i'd hold mine up like that and I'd say, these aren't for you. These are my dogs. I'd bark like that. I can't believe that I wouldn't do that. Also, what would your sign say? You're going to make a sign? I know you're licking at my tits. Stop. I'm going to tell your mother. Why don't you just tell them? They're your neighbor. You're trying to help them out. I'm not going to bust you, but if I see you and your friends with a telescope again or whatever. Yeah, this is bullshit. I'm telling your mom. Oh, I see. I'm telling you. You know what? Just for the hell of it, you know what I would do? I'd do a little lazy Susan. I'd probably just pop one out. I'd pop one out. I wouldn't give them the whole enchilada, but I'd give them a taste. I'd pop them against the window. Yeah, exactly. I'd hold that up. I'd saran wrap my chest up and just put a little gleam on it. Okay, what's this called? Creepy neighbor. Okay. We're going to have to learn. The title of this is, yeah, you'll have to see what happens. You know what? I'll let you know kind of the gist of it whenever this is done. But I was just like, you know. I was very surprised she went behind a tree and stalked them. Well, I think this is a. Maybe she's about to see a little boy penis. Oh, my God. There's gross people out there. Yeah. You know, this is real pedophilic horror, Mom. This is a fun creepypasta story. I'm writing the sign telling, okay? It's not me wanting to see the. No one said it was you. I'm just saying that. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that female perspective. Ugh. What a horrible, horrible woman. Sunday! Dad was pissed all right. He made us march over to her front door and apologized for peeping. Probably the most awkward thing we've ever had to do. Get this. She answers the door in this loose, lacy lingerie deal that showed everything if you were inclined to look, and I was. Oh, damn. Oh, they're doing a little Stacy's mom action. I think you were right. Well, there you go. Mom is a pedophile. Stacy's mom is a pedophile. That's what I found out from the song. Yeah, see? There you go. She answered the door to him in like a little spaghetti strap lingerie. Gross, dirty leg. I know. She's a whore. She's a whore. It's disgusting. Lacy lingerie deal that showed everything if you were inclined to look, and I was. I checked behind me to see if anyone else was witnessing all this, but nope. But I got control of my jaw again. He was hitting the Wile E. Coyote. I tell her I'm sorry we watched her yeah right dude I wonder how he said that if a little boy said that would he just if he uh if he said that would he do a little uh I wonder would it be like you know I'm sorry for watching or do you think it was genuine there's no way that was genuine we were both hanging our heads in shame I looked up to see if she was mad or if she was trying to seduce us or something it was weird like have you ever seen someone with no expression at all it's like she was hypnotized you should come in oh my god oh my god how do we not does this not feel like this is going into straight up I mean what the hell is this we're reading this after the DOJ just puts out the goddamn Epstein list stuff come on now what are we doing you should come in she said she didn't seem to feel it she just said it you should come in Sam looked at me I think he was ready to take her up on the offer Okay. I can't say I blame him. She looked real good. But I told her we had to be getting back. Dad's waiting. She closed the door without a word. And? And? Dad asked when we got back. I told him she didn't seem mad and I told him what she was wearing. I felt if we were going to be in trouble, he should know she's teasing us too. I can tell he doesn't believe me. He says he's going over there to apologize for us. If I find your lion. Yeah, he's going to go over there and apologize for us. She's wearing what? All right, I better go make sure. That's what that feels like. If I find your lion, you'll be wearing your balls for earrings. You hear me? We stood in the kitchen waiting for him. And when he got back, his face looked slack and pale. He didn't seem mad at us anymore. He looked like he'd seen something awful. Sam elbowed me as if I didn't notice myself. Sit down. He told us. we did and we all started eating breakfast mom was still asleep like usual she always stays up late catching up on DVR catching up the DVR at Saturday nights what fucking year is this the DVR what did she also TiVo something DVR I said the last time I DVR'd something it was like 2006 2007 we did and we all started eating breakfast mom was still asleep like usual she always stays up late catching up the DVR on Saturday nights don't bother with that woman ever again he said between bites okay we agree all right that's fucked up we didn't dare question him when he was in a mood but i've never seen him like this before and that's what was so scary about it we kept eating our breakfast in silence until he asked i ever tell you about red finney he mentioned that name before we knew red was a kid in his neighborhood when his dad was growing up, somewhere in Baltimore. But we didn't know anything about him. We asked before, but he always changes the subject, so we shook our heads. Red was stupid. You hear me? Stupid kid. Always poking his nose where he had no business. He took a bite of his scrambled eggs. There was this big, dark house on our street. Three stories. No other house in the neighborhood liked it. And it was there before the neighborhood got built around it. real old family just held onto that land lots of stories about this house we'd all look when the lights came on at night never seen anyone come or go all day and one time we're watching and we hear this scream we know it's from that house and it didn't sound good and from that day Red got the notion in his head he was going to get in there and see what was going on in that house what does that make Red? Dad asked stupid? we both said anyway then one day Red was gone we thought this was going to be a heist we go in there and find some ancient jewels and a ghost and solve a murder if Red did what he was going to do he didn't tell us and we didn't want anything to do with it breaking and entering was not a part of how we wanted to start life he just went missing never found him we thought all kinds maybe he ran away maybe he killed himself somewhere something happened in that house right? I asked oh yeah that was another one we thought maybe he went in there and maybe just never got out but here's the thing he paused to take a drink of his coffee like he was setting himself or something but here's the thing when Red went missing that came up and we met the owner of the house oh my god it's gonna be the fucking lady the fucking neighbor is going to be the woman and she's going to be the same age holy fuck she showed some titty to Red fucking 60 years ago or whatever when Red went missing that came up I went with the owner of the house Dad finished off his breakfast after that took his plate to the kitchen sink to clean it off stuck in the dishwasher me and Sam looked at each other well what I'm saying is that woman next door owned that house damn She aged better than you. That's very good. You're not listening. Too busy cracking wise. What I'm saying is, that woman next door was on the same street as me, right? When I was a boy. She was a grown woman. Looked exactly the same. You don't forget a woman who looks like that. What? Dad, that's not possible. It's not for me to say what's possible or not. I don't need to know why or how. I'm just telling you like it is. And you're not to bother with that woman. Now let's get to church. Now let's get to church. I have a scaredy boner. Time to go to church now. Let's go talk to God. Can't get a boner in church. That would be fucked up though. I feel like there's been times in my life where I've had stuff like that happen. You know what I mean? You feel like you see someone and you're like, you look exactly like this neighbor I had when you were younger. It's like clear delineation. I don't know. this idea that you see some like if I saw my neighbor and they were the exact same age that would fuck me up also too I feel like I wouldn't just brush it off though I feel like I would need to do a little more investigating if I'm being honest I don't think Sam and I had ever been so quiet and well behaved in church I don't know what was going on in his head probably something like that was going on in mine who is that woman? is she related to the woman dad grew up near? that's one heck of a coincidence not impossible I mean, you hear of long lost siblings working together in the same Taco Bell without knowing it, so who knows. It's just, when you add a strange behavior to it, it's just a big what the fuck. Since then, we've only captured her looked out the window. She hasn't been in the backyard staring at us anymore. But we kept our word to dad and left her alone. This other part of me just can't get her out of my head. I don't think Sam can either. He's slept in my room twice since then. I think she's watching, he said. I asked if he looked and he says not a chance hmm what kind of fuck yeah I think it's kind of irresponsible well I guess you know the dad's trying to definitely give him a warning here but at the same time where the fuck if you're a young kid that's pretty fucking horrifying right I don't know dude I really hope this doesn't turn into a vampire story maybe it will maybe it will in a cool way but But get me the fuck away from vampire stuff. We did the motel one. We've done a lot of vampire stuff. I would like it to go in a different direction if possible. You know? Although I will say some big, beautiful, milky vampire titties never hurt anybody. Literally, ever. Fact check. The Grand Canyon. The next night I couldn't sleep. So I stayed up playing Mario Kart with Sam. It's near midnight when we hear sound outside. It's one of those times where you mute the TV and you don't hear nothing. So you go back to what you're doing, and you start hearing it again. Like, how does that sound know your ears are occupied? Sam's saying, I'm telling you, she's out there doing something, JB. And I don't want to go look. So I try to tell him that it's a raccoon or something. If you want to go look so bad, you go look. We decide to go look together. It's not that smart an idea. I mean, it's easier to see two people than one. We did turn off the TV, so there's no light at least. And we look. We both incurs and ducked down right away. You think she saw us? She wasn't facing us. I told him. She was out there. But her back was to us. It looked like she was gardening or something. Keep in mind this is like close to midnight. The folks are already in bed. And Demon Barbie's out there doing yard work? I don't think so. She was digging, JB. He says. His eyes got that scared look. We do paper scissors rock. Okay, it's rock, paper, scissors, dude. We do rock, paper, scissors to see who has to look at this time. I'm a dumbass who always does paper, and Sam knows it, so I have to look. She's digging all right. I tell Sam, really going at it too, tossing dirt every which way between her big-ass tree and her fence. You think it's a body? Sam asks. Too small for a body, I tell him. What about a kid's body? Stop freaking me out. I tell him and flick his ear. What should we do? Sam's asking like I know. Holy shit. I say suddenly, because I just realized something. I thought she was wearing some tight white suit or something. She's not wearing a suit at all. She's just in some lacy bra and panties. Is it a kid's body? Oh my god, she's half naked. She jumps up and starts looking with me right away. Man, in here he was supposed to be all scared, but I say a word, naked, and he's up. Like Grandpa in a bingo hall. She starts dragging something in her trash bag into the hole while we were both watching. And we both see it. Something's in the bag moving. I keep thinking of Red Finney. What if she's doing it again? Who would we tell? Sam must be thinking the same thing because he says to me, We're going to have to dig that up. Oh, I almost forgot. We started noticing this funny smell coming from that house. It's worse at night. It's like burning sugar in plastic. I saw this dog one day walking along the sidewalk. It was all the way to the other side of the road passing her house. Like it was avoiding her. Doing something, almost seems like, I'm wondering if she's like doing a little fucking Orochimaru action. You know what I mean? She's grabbing children and then like sucking their life force from them so she can stay young. I don't know. She is, she is white. She's like deathly pale. To me, when I, whenever I read that she's like all white, I imagine that it was more like, I don't know, when like a body, like a dead body. Like in a lot of movies when there's like dead bodies or something, usually they're like stark white. I don't know. Oh, I almost forgot. We started noticing this funny smell coming from that house. It's worse at night. It's like burning sugar and plastic. I saw this dog one day walking along the sidewalk. It goes all the way to the other side of the road passing her house. Like it was avoiding her. And I never saw a bird or squirrel in her yard, neither. I know I'm just psyching myself out, but it's crazy. And here's the other thing. I smelled that smell before. Like, my mom's always saying, you remember smells better than anything? This was when I was real young. We were out, just me and my dad at the barbershop. Dad let me go to the vending machine to get a snack. I smelled that smell coming from across the street. The door over there is open, and I'm thinking, this is like a candy shop. I got my $2 from Dad, so I go over to get some candy. Then I hear my dad shout, NO! Like he's mad at me. But like he's scared or something. I go running back thinking I did something wrong. He grabs me up and he's just looking at that place. I'm scared and also disappointed. I wanted to see that candy shop, goddammit. I'm looking at that place too. When I see a big snake come slithering out and the door closes. That's a bad place. Dad said and took me back into the shop. Okay. What the fuck? This is kind of like almost like a... It's obviously feeding on children. There's some kind of element of it. I'm telling you, man, the Orochimaru callout might be for real. All right? I do like the witch angle. I think that you guys might be right. I think like a witch, some kind of witch or something, the snake in particular does making it seem, the snake makes it seem like, what is it? Like a druid that turns into animals or something? But also just, you know, the snake being like an unholy figure. it does seem like there's some kind of witchcraft going on or something a familiar yeah yeah or shadow jutsu that's that's right believe it it's time to talk about something scary your health i know i don't go in the doctor as much as i should if i'm feeling sick i'll just lie in bed and sleep it away but that's only because i don't want to have to deal with the appointments insurance and Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's why I have ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in-network appointments with more than 100,000 health care providers across every specialty. From mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and much more. 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And after you've purchased the last word you heard about them, please tell them that we sent you. Thank you, Ridge Wallet, for sponsoring the show. Now back to the episode. Later on, he told me they found some missing kid in there. So I have to never, ever just walk off again. I don't remember that part much. Just my dad's face when he grabbed me and that snake. So anyway, Sam's like, we're going to have to dig that up. I'm about to give him a good punch in the shoulder and tell him he's nuts. But I don't do anything. Neither does he. We froze. Because now she's facing us. you think she's staring at us again but that's not it she's bending forward to shovel the dirt into the hole like leaning way forward so we get a good look at the scenic vistas of the Grand Canyon know what I mean Sam grabs the binoculars and we look and we each look out Sam grabs the binoculars and we each look out outside while we're looking I swear I hear her laughing since chills right through my bones she's still just filling the hole though so i don't know maybe it was in my head sam said he doesn't know what i'm talking about after patting down the hole she goes in i will say uh okay so she has she's burying something it's alluding to maybe a body we don't know what it is i will say a witch being a big titted woman to lure in young boys is a very interesting concept it is like a little as like a bait it's like a little like throwing a lure out to catch something you know but it definitely feels like it's going to be as soon as they get close to her, she's going to be like disgusting or decayed or something. It feels like it's going to be a I don't know. It feels like this is going to be something where it's like she's using the looks for deception or something. Like a big titty anglerfish. Exactly. As soon as she's gone, Sam's ready to go over there. I try talking him out of it, saying we should let Dad know. I'm going with or without you, he says. So I tell him to go. What? So I tell him to go, and what kind of flowers he would like at his funeral. His dad's going to kill him when he finds out. He tells me bye and heads downstairs. I want to strangle him. I do. But I can't let him go alone. All right, good brother. For a second, I thought he was just going to let him go alone. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? We can't get to dad's shovels without making noise. We can only get mom's little garden shovels. Then we leap the fence from our own yard. We could have just walked around, except we might get seen if we do that. We try to dig fast. We know she never sleeps, except tonight, apparently. First night since we moved in that all the lights are off. We caught a lucky break. Deakin' with that stupid little shovel is taking forever, so I start getting in there with my hands. Soon, I feel the plastic and I pull it up slowly. Like the very minute I have it, I get light pops on in the house. Oh, shit. Like the very minute I have it, a light pops on in the house. Oh, my God. I look up and see Sam walking up to the back door. I ground by the back of his pants and yank him. What the hell? We gotta run. He got this blank look on his face, almost like her. I smack him and say, run! And to his credit, he does. We don't even bother filling in the hole. We jump the fence and we're out of there. Once we're in the house, we're like, oh shit. What if this is a kid's body? Now it's in our house? I did paper. Oh, I did paper again. So, I'm the one that has to open it. Whatever was moving isn't anymore. isn't anymore. I tear it open and look. This big nasty snake falls out of the bag. Slithers around a little until we get it to go out the back door. Oh my god. Fuck sakes. Being in a trance too is kind of like a little trance is pretty sick too. That idea that you're digging hectically and you look up and your brother's just mindlessly walking towards the back door. Fuck that. Sam's looking at me like something really isn't right here. Like, who bears a snake in a plastic bag at midnight. What kind of voodoo shit is that? For me, though, a snake. For me, though, a snake again. A snake and that smell. How's that possible? When we calm down a little, I go looking in the bag. There's one of those Letterman jackets. Something wrapped in it. It's a kid, Sam says, and I think he's about to faint. I think it's a box, I tell him. This creepy wooden box. Let's get past the unboxing video. It's got some teeth, pictures, and a pair of old plastic binoculars inside. Weird, we will say. I'm wondering, at some point, Red. It almost seems like maybe that's Red. Red's body? Hmm. Also, too, with all this stuff of him remembering shit as a child, almost makes you think of, I don't know, reincarnation or some shit. Almost like the kid is... Almost like our protagonist has lived this before, or lived it in a past life or something. I don't fucking know, dude. Shit's got me freaked out. Got me wet in the panties. Pictures are all pretty old, and they're all of boys. Boys, me, and Sam's age. Teens. None of them look like they know their pictures are being taken. Most of them are on the street. A few seem to be in their homes. A few of them seem to be in their homes. I only recognize one person on the phones. That's Dad, I tell Sam. He calls me a liar, though. His heart isn't in it. Look! I say, holding the picture to his face. He doesn't argue. Just moves on to the other pictures. One of the pictures has a boy wearing the jacket we pulled out of the bag. It must really be the same one. Sam's nodding. But not saying anything. We're both thinking it. It's just not possible. She'd have to be like 70. No amount of Botox can make a granny look like that. I guess it could be her daughter. Still. Why bury this stuff after all this time? Can't make heads nor tails of it. We agree. We have to show Dad. Oh, he was mad. We lost window privileges. We lost window privileges. Oh, he was mad. We lost window privileges. You ever hear of that grounding? Taped up our windows with cardboard. Looking outdoors is for boys who don't perv on devil milfs. He's not wrong. After that, he took us on a drive with him. just driving around. And he talked. We kept our mouths shut. My whole life, my whole life been in apartments, he said. Always paying rent to somebody. Nothing for myself. This is the first time I have a place of my own and you boys know that. We ain't going nowhere. You just have to, you just have to stay away from that female next door. Stay away from that house. From that yard. Don't look at them titties. There's enough of those on TVs these days. You get me? We got him. Dad gave us plenty of talks before. He's like Obama with the speeches. He never gave us one like this before. He's like Obama with the speeches. He's like Obama with the speeches. What does that mean? Oh, let me be clear. Okay, okay, I see, I see, I see. Let me be clear. Don't look at them titties, Michelle. He never gave us one like this before. Red Finney wasn't so stupid. He was stupid, but he was stupid because he always listened to me. Red thought Thaddeus was the smartest boy there ever lived, but no. I was the stupidest one there. I was the one that started him. He pulled into the casino parking lot and stopped. After we heard the scream, I was spying on that house all the time. I had my cheap binoculars. I saw that female, just her shape. And finally, one night, all the lights went off. I called up Red and we went. One of the back windows was left wide open. We didn't even have to break. Just had to enter. There was this funny smell. It almost choked you. We could hear snoring upstairs. And Red says he'll take downstairs in the basement. I get upstairs. I'm looking at all these rooms, just empty rooms. I hear the snoring come out of one of these little female moans. I got that girl fever going, so I decided I got a peek in the room. I'm going real slow. I'm scared as hell. But I think about to see her sprawled out there on the bed in some tiny nightgown. That's not what's in there. There ain't anyone in that bed. It's a record been playing the sounds the whole time. I tell myself then I'm stupid and Red's stupid and we're both stupid. There's real trouble here. I see these pictures around the record player. Same ones you found in that box minus them. I try to sneak out of there and go to Red. The door won't push open. I push harder, it starts moving. Then I hear this laughing. I see some old man who's pressed up against the door. I'm so scared now, I get mad. What the hell are you doing, you old creep? I say something to that effect. He tells me he has some candy for me, but he's holding a wood chisel. I run out of there. I hear Red screaming from the basement. Then it stops. He won't answer. I hear someone coming and laughing. I hear someone coming and laughing. Okay, first I want to say it's not... Someone is walking towards me and laughing. Okay. I thought I was going to die. The window I came in closed up is solid now, so I smashed through that thing. Still had the scar on my ass from where I crawled out. Told what I could without implicating myself. Maybe I should have told more. Maybe Red might still be alive today. That's what I have to live with. He could still be alive. I said, son, that was Red's Jackie you found. He wore it that day. That place was evil. That female was evil. Somehow she found me. You just keep your noses clean and you say your prayers. She'll get bored and go, trust your old dad. We drove back home, didn't say another word. Mentally, I committed to doing just what dad asked. Nose clean, high fiber diet, and prayers. Okay. the old man bit freaks me out. I will say is the old man, were they, do you think that there was implications that they were hypnotized at all here to go in? Otherwise, is the man just putting on a record of snoring? And he's just like, I hope somebody comes in here so I can offer them candy and I can laugh in the basement and cum. You know what I mean? Is it one of those things? Because to me, I'm like, eh, it feels kind of weird. What? Also, too, I think that we're dealing with, yeah, some kind of like, even if it's not a witch, it makes me think that the man in there is the true form of the big-titted woman, and that's just like preying on little boys. But maybe it's an older man who's trying to suck the youth out of, like trying to suck the life force out of young boys for himself. I don't know. Things like this happen and they don't just leave your mind. So, as I'm making friends at school, I'm just going to pretend I don't have a succubus living next to me. I was talking to this one dude and he tells me how we should hang out this weekend. And where do I live? Oh man, poor Darnell. I'm sure he just wants to enjoy my company and not to look at the evil sex pot next door. I say the street and before I give him the number, he says, Oh damn, you mean the street with the big titty girl? These tits have got to be legendary if it's spreading across. It's like a goddamn wildfire in this town, dude. These are some biblical titties. Holy moly. This dude, pal, tells me to come on and I need to talk to Darnell. I don't know who that is. And while we're walking, he's saying how they all know about her. Darnell saw her first. Because one night, he was driving around and saw this crazy, sexy woman just taking her trash to the road. and when she bends over to pick up a can to recycle, he almost hits a fucking tree. He keeps circling the block to drive past again, and he says she's not even mad. She's waving. Next day, he's telling everyone, I saw this fine piece in this tiny little dress and these big old melons and a pumpkin ass. And they were like, melons and pumpkins. You know what I'm talking about? And he said, pumpkin ass. because when I saw it, I was like, I want to be pumpkin that ass. All right, this kid rules, dude. This is a sharpshooter if I've ever seen one. I was trying to ask this guy some real questions, but he's got tits and ass on the brain now, and he tells me how Darnell was taking them on drives past the house during lunch for a month, but they stopped. So I asked him why. Because Darnell came in one day, said he had hit that. Rearranged her guts good. Took all the mystery out of it. Driving by wasn't the same after. He's lying. We found Darnell out in the parking lot. He was sitting in the Mustang door wide open with a few other dudes around. Pal tells Darnell, I live next to Pumpkin Ass. And Darnell's like, you get with that yet? Hot to trot, my man. I don't want to sound like a loser. You know what I mean? So I just say, not yet. Darnell says, oh, you missing out, my man. You think the outside of that's good? Bitch is even better on the inside. best pussy ever had woo the dudes around him are saying even better than lefty but he ignores the jab and keeps going she wants it so bad she pulls me in the house and tore her clothes off she's so wet I slide right up in her and she's begging me to go slow and motor and tells me it's too big and you know what she feels like inside pussy the dude says but uh I will say the does it feel like Is it pussy? I'm telling my man, it feels like there's all these tiny little hands in there. Like thousands of them. And they're all massaging and rubbing me like milking a tiny little hands. One of his buddies says, you sure it wasn't yours? They were all laughing at him. And he was getting mad until he saw I wasn't laughing. You know, yeah. Like every cell just wants to make me feel good. You boys wouldn't know about that. But this guy does. No, he said. I never got with that. Call me a liar? I guess so. Because if you went in there, you wouldn't have had a good time. And you might not have even got out. He shoved me up against another car and got in my face with some threats. He wanted me to fight him, but I walked away. Dad don't mind me fighting so long as it's worth it. And I knew it wasn't. When school was over, Darnell was waiting. He asked me if I want to drive. I told him no way, but he says he has something he needs to tell me. it's about that woman he seems different now the cockiness is gone so i get in he warns me i can't go telling anyone what he warns me i can't go telling anyone else what he's about to say i'd be driving by there all the time take any excuse you know like she knew i was coming she'd be out there doing something each and every time her eyes would be like oh come fuck me darnell come fuck me and part of me and part of me was like too good to be true and another part a big part you feel me was like hell yeah this one day i'm done playing so i stop and i go up and i knock she's at the door wearing almost nothing at all i'm like if there's a lottery for ass i just hit the mega millions jackpot i straight up tell her she's been cock teasing long enough she says well Why don't I do something about it? And that sounds like she's playing, but she could have just been the weather radio the way she said it. Oh, yeah. So she was just like, why don't you come do something about it? She didn't even ask twice, though. I got my hands all over that and closed the door behind me. She feels cold, so I say I'm going to warm her up good. It's real weird because she's not, like, reacting at all. I'm squeezing those big tits and she's thinking about her Netflix. Big tits and she's thinking about her Netflix. Should I squeeze harder, baby? I say and tell her and she tells me to wait there. I'm there for minutes and my patience is about to war out. I don't hear anything. Like, she just disappeared. Just house noises. A clock ticking, like a faucet dripping. And then this chuckle. I wonder what she's playing at. I call out and she won't answer. I hear a thud so I go looking and when I get to the stairs that's when the whispers start like she's talking to someone maybe she's on the phone telling her husband she was telling her husband she's just been doing laundry you know feel me I keep going up the stairs and now I know someone else is in the house whoever it is sounds like a fucking elf or something I don't know he keeps laughing in this way that gives me the freaks. I go in the room with a couch and an old, old TV. Like, you know, those TVs that got wood panels? Who wants a wooden TV? I go in there with the, I go in there and the whispers stop, stop right away, man. I mean, right away. I'm getting some bad vibes. Then I see her there, the back of her head. She's just sitting there on the damn couch watching TV. I'm thinking, what the hell is this? Bitch is down to fuck suddenly. She needs to watch her afternoon shows? So I go up to her and I say, hey. And she turns around and ain't her at all. It's this creepy as shit old man. He's wearing her hair and her dress and he's laughing. I say, you think this is funny? I mean, where is she at? He points behind me and I look behind me and it's a closed door. I turn back in a few seconds and this old guy moved like an arm length away. I can smell him. Smells like Werther's original. Fucking old man candy. Scared the shit out of me. Man, I swear this is true. I look over his shoulder and whatever the hell he was watching on TV is watching us now. It's like a talk show, but they're staring right at the camera and not saying nothing. What kind of show does that? And the old man starts pointing behind me, nodding and laughing. His eyes are the craziest I've ever seen in my life. and I want to look but there ain't no way I'm taking my eyes off that creepy son of a bitch again so I back down out that room and he says to me in this voice like he got a radio static in his voice or something and he says you made the right choice I didn't even notice until he had a corkscrew in his hand I bolted the hell out of there we'd just been driving around the same block while he got this whole story out I got the feeling he wasn't telling me something so I said so okay my granddad raised me for when I was really young my folks ain't worth a shit my folks ain't worth a shit is why why trash spent most of their life in prison granddad had been dead for a year now on the way out of that house I thought I smelled my granddad that same smell always that same smell always in my granddad's home almost when he turned around and looked but I didn't I don't believe in ghosts and shit but I was so scared it had me imagining he stopped the car at the very end of the street far from that house none of us said a word for a while I believed the story though I didn't believe he rearranged her guts this I believed that got me laughing a bit to myself the whole thing was so creepy and serious that it made me laugh more the fuck Darnell said where'd you get the tiny hands shit from I asked he burst out laughing too and told me he got out of his car already when I was getting out. He said, Be careful, man. I decided I wasn't going to tell Sam what Darnell said. You don't need to be freaked out more than he already was. He wasn't doing me any favors, that's for sure. That night, Sam was watching anime in his room, and I was on Discord with some old friends. Sam comes in my room looking like a ghost. JB, she's right outside the window. Dude, you didn't take that... You didn't take down that cardboard. We'd been real good about doing what Dad said. I ain't look at them titties since. I thought about them a little, though. Sam says, no, I just hear something. I go back to Sam's room, and I stand there in front of the cardboard. I tell him I don't feel anything. So he tells me to listen real close, hold my breath, and I hear it. It sounds like someone heavy breathing on a phone. Look at the movies. Just the wind, the trees, I tell him. relax. I go back to my room a few minutes later. Sam's back. I'm like, come on, man. Because he's acting like he's five. He's begged me to come hang out in his room. And I do. But when I get in there, that breathing sound's already gone. I sit on his bed and I get on my phone. And then I hear it. Like, like scratching at the cardboard. Like the window been pulled up. I freeze up. Sam's just looking at me. Then the breathing starts up again. We don't say a word. Too scared for that. I get up off that bed and get close to the cardboard. Sam's shaking his head. I put my ear against the cardboard. You hear anything? Sam asked so I shushed him. I hear a vehicle go outside. Some crickets and then a whisper clear as if someone's in my room. How's darn hell. Ooh! Ooh! I think we should tell Dad, I tell Sam. He's staring at the cardboard like he's about to piss himself. I turn to see two fingers poking through a gap in the tape and quickly pull back. We didn't waste another second. We were getting dad. Okay, that shit actually got me. I'm not going to lie. I heard that shit. I actually scared myself. I keep thinking someone's behind me and shit. That's pretty fucking good. I do love the idea of a guy lying about a sex story to his buddies when it was a traumatic thing. And then we get to hear this guy who was just like, I was just trying to get some pussy, and all of a sudden he's terrorized by this guy in a fucking wig. Very odd. The supernatural element to the story is very interesting because it doesn't take huge swings. Like the TV, it's almost like the hypnotism factor is having people hallucinate things like Darnell looking at the TV, and there's people just staring at him, not saying anything. but it just seems like it's hypnotizing people so it can get close enough to kill them or something. A few days passed with nothing else happening. Dad was practically on patrol. He'd been checking up the windows all the time. He put an order in for cameras. He was doing his best to keep us safe, and I remembered how awesome he is. Only thing is he wouldn't go to confront her. When I got home from school that Monday, Sam was already home. His middle school closer to home than high school. As soon as I come in, he grabs me by the shirt and starts yanking me to his room. Also, too, I would imagine that even if they tried calling the cops or somebody, I think that at least the story feels like it's established that even if the cops went there, either one, the titties are so magnificent that the cops are going to be distracted by it, or they're going to be like, it's just a woman. there's like no you know I imagine that the entity or whatever would put on a show to not get to not get caught you know when I got home from school that Monday Sam was already home his middle school is closer to home than the high school and as soon as I come home he grabs me with a shirt and starts yanking me to his room he whispers JP we should what should we do and I'm like go our separate ways he then puts these panties in my face they're lacy red I don't think they'll fit you I said he says he found them in his school bag he shows me on the butt on the butt help me has written an eyeliner or something oh my god wait wait wait so is the woman being used as like a fucking a pond? what? alright you motherfuckers who are saying sniff you need a guy on first off I just want to say this to people listening to this right now we have a patron whose name is fucking Rick Sanchez doesn't even have a profile picture of Rich Sanchez, and he just keeps typing sniff. Alright? That's you. Welcome to our community. What do we do, JB? We gotta show Dad, right? I tell him no. I had this idea just floating around the back of my mind for a while. I didn't pay too much to mind. This message is like missing a piece of a puzzle, you know? Dad's already on a rampage. If we show him these, he'll whip our asses with our own dicks. I'll hide him. I mean, think about it. She's got these crazy hypnotized blank stares, There's all this strange stuff. There's a creepy old man, Darnell, saw in the house. And now she writes a message that just says, help me? I have to trust my gut. Maybe she's a victim. Maybe I can save her. Maybe she'll want to reward her hero, and I'll say, I'm no hero. I'm no hero. Just in the right place at the right time. And I take her to a movie, and one thing leads to another. And I sniff the panties, and I felt I was right. Okay. All right. Well, there we go. Never mind. Rick Sanchez, you are completely. Rick you're completely you're completely fucking you're justified he sniffed the panties there you go okay why do I even try you know Rick I cannot believe to say this but in a creep cast episode Rick Sanchez hit a bear trap wow good for you Rick one point for Rick we'll give him a point I think it's a trap Tim tells me later that night just tell dad it does smell like a trap too sure but I can make an executive decision we're gonna hide the panties under my mattress I'm gonna see if she's dicking with us nobody's telling dad nothing I go take the trash out that evening and while I'm out there I slip my undies in her mailbox I wrote on them 2am garage side door why not just a note dude why not have your underwear I set an alarm to wake up at 2am except I can't sleep Neither can Sam. We're both too wired thinking about it. I go into his room and we wait for 2 a.m. It's a school night, so we have to be real quiet. Sam whispers, What if Dad's alright? Then I guess we're fucked. He whispers again, What if Dad's wrong, though? Maybe we'll get fucked. That cracks him up, makes him relax a little more. At 1.55, I go take a piss. I'm not even drinking anything, but I have to go every 20 minutes. I'm so nervous. just takes me a few seconds when i get out i see stamps i see stamp ah i see sam standing frozen in the doorway of his own bedroom i go to ask if he's okay i have to cover my mouth to stifle my scream she's there she's standing in sam's room wearing the same lacy what they call negligee i guess because it's like she's it's like she's neglect is she's neglect to put anything on i'm too freaked out to be excited. She says some things that I can't follow because I'm still in shock that she's just there. Sam and I close the bedroom door anyway and sit Sam's bed with her and sit on Sam's bed with her. I guess that's what she asked us to do. I don't remember. How is it that you're acting normal all of a sudden, I ask. Even creepy as hell, peeping at us from behind the tree. That wasn't me, she said. That was him. He looked just like me sometimes. Who? Ross. That's what he calls himself. Who knows if that's his real name. He started having seizures of some kind. What? Okay, what the fuck is going on? Hold on a second. Hold on. So she's completely normal right now. Question. Why do you not run for help? Well, I found a pair of shitty underwear. I better go talk to the neighborhood boys next door. Am I lost here? Unless this is coming into some kind of... Well, it could be a trap. That is true. It could be a trap. But it also could be her just being like, hey, you're in immediate danger. And I have to tell you, I can't go anywhere else right now. I owe it to you guys to tell you. I don't know. She's whispering real low. Like she's just a few feet away. But she wasn't traced to her robotic like before. Or she wasn't tranced to her robotic like before. She felt like a real person. I could tell she was scared. I was right, I'm thinking. It was right all along. She was a victim. She's normal now. Look at her. She even moves her hand when she talks. She didn't do that before. I'm looking at her in that negligee now and... Damn. The seizures started a few days ago. When they happened, I can think for myself. I don't know how long it's been. Years. The first time was... The first time was the night I buried the stuff in the backyard. That was a warning. I know you guys watch me. You're supposed to. He wants you to. I made sure you watch me digging. Did you get the warning? Why didn't you do anything about it? We felt pretty stupid then. It made perfect sense though. She wanted us to dig it up and at least we could say it's Dad's fault. If you're good now, how do you know Dad? And what happened to Dad's friends? Sam asked. He remembers you from years ago. She looked sad when Sam asked that. I gave him a punch in the arm for making her sad man she looked good just sitting there on the floor I wanted to comfort her she says she can tell we don't believe her it looks like she's about to leave I would like them to ease up on I feel like the situation is serious enough now to where even the horniness of a boy should be done now you know what I mean I give Sam a calm your ass down look and tell her I believe you She smiles at me Sweet and warm like apple pie Dad was wrong I knew it. I'll tell you something I've never been able to tell anyone before. I was just a little girl living in some run down apartments in Denver. My parents were gone a lot. Doing odd jobs. I always noticed this little hole in the wall in my bedroom. Sometimes at night, I hear funny sounds coming out of it, like moans and wails and snickers. Very faint. I believe some of our many strange neighbors were doing it, or their pets, or their televisions. One night, the sound seemed a lot closer than usual. I stared at that hole for hours. You know when you stare at some point in the dark room, how everything around seems to get darker and darker, and suddenly a white face is there looking up at me. It's looking at me from inside the hole. I shrieked but I was too scared to move and my parents were gone so no one was coming to help me. They kept watching me. The hole was the size of a coffee cup. I didn't see his whole face just parts of it at a time. His gritting eyes and nose or his nose and mouth. I had to imagine the whole face. I didn't like what I imagined. Then it started talking to me saying I should relax and he's just my neighbor and he noticed this strange hole in the wall. I sighed in relief right away. I was still not comfortable with this man looking in my bedroom. At least I understood why this was happening. I told him the hole was there for a long time and he asked if I'd made it. I said no. He asked where my parents were. I told the truth. You still with me? No doubt I had the dumbest look on my face because I'd just been caught enjoying the view. then I saw she was calling out Sam not me show some respect I told him then told her keep going yeah I feel like you should that takes me out of the flow alright come on when he found out I was alone he said I should come over to his place come on to the other side he's been my neighbor for a long time he said I should come over now we just moved into that place a few months ago so I didn't know what he was talking about he said at least come look through the hole I started to go then I heard him snickering Same sound I heard before. I knew something was wrong with the situation, so I threw a pillow in front of the hole. I didn't hear him for a few seconds. And he screamed this awful scream like a train breaking. I covered my ears until it stopped. Then I heard a different voice like a crumbling building. You thought it was the dog licking your feet, but it was me. I ran to the kitchen and cried myself to sleep that night. Oh! Oh! What? Fucking licking the tootsies, good God. What dog? I asked. Years before that, we had a little pom-pom, and my feet stick out, and my feet stick off the side of my tiny bed. Sometimes I'd feel these little licks, and I'd giggle and pull my feet in. I never thought about it. I was like four. But you know what? That dog was never allowed in my room. I remembered that then, and I never put it together before, because nothing else seemed possible. I don't think I'd never been so scared in my life than when he told me that. I told my parents what happened my father talked to the building owner they came to my room really concerned owner moves the pillow side takes a look at the hole and just like that he says my story's made up my father was getting mad and yelling at the owner the owner said I'm a liar because no one lives on the other side of the wall he can guarantee it because it's not just adjoining wall it's sheetrock then brick then outdoors father tells him he doesn't matter take down the sheetrock and see what's between the walls because his daughter doesn't lie. He was my hero. He actually did take the sheetrock down. It was a narrow space. I was a tiny girl, and I would have trouble fitting. No grown man could have been in there. The only thing inside was snakeskin. Ah, dude, this snakeskin motif is... Where the fuck is this going? What is happening? What is this creature? Years later, that man found me again. I won't talk about that, but that's what he does. find someone that wants them and he'll wait your whole life for the right moment oh shit okay well fucking dude our protagonist and Sam they need to they need to tell their dad immediately by the way their dad is in trouble that was her story that's some weird shit I told her if that's even half true she needed to run away or she could go to the police but she said he'd be looking for her by now she needed to hide for the night can I stay here just tonight she asked she was so close I could feel the heat from her body I could smell her it wasn't cane at this time she smelled like flowers and strawberries I would have told her no if I had a book called How to Murder Your Neighbor and Get Away With It in her left hand you can stay in my room I said without hesitation Sam looking at me like I just took a dump on his head I think it's because he's still scared of her but he comes up to me when she goes to the bathroom and says I should stay in your room She gave me the paintings, remember? Should we do rock, paper, scissors? I had some good motivation this time. Know what I mean? I did rock, and it was decided. I have a pretty big closet, so I set her a place to sleep there. Because his dad saw her. That'd be it. He sent us to the glue factory. She'd asked if he'd be mad. I was like, mad? You know what it's like to have your own foot broken off in your ass? Now I said, also, isn't this like, how old is this woman supposed to be, first off? She's 40, right? Yeah, she's 40. What the fuck is... Now I set myself down on the bed and tried to sleep. How am I supposed to sleep with all that in my closet? I keep thinking of what Darnell said. Mega Millions jackpot in the ass. That's about right. I must have been staring at the ceiling for an hour when I feel her crawl into the bed next to me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Bruh! It's too good to be true. Run, child! Run! You're still awake? She asked. Too much excitement, I guess. She put her head on my chest and her arm around me. I could feel her breast pressing against me, so I think about that creepy old man instead. Who is he? I asked. Why me? Why Dad? If he has a reason, he doesn't tell me. He goes from town to town. Each place, he takes a kid, usually a teen. And since he got me, he's been focusing on boys. uses me as a lure. Then we go to the next town. Alright, that's a bear trap for me. That is a fucking bear trap. I want a point as well. Rick Sanchez can't get the only bear trap. Alright, that is a fucking bear trap. What happens to the kid? He doesn't think like we think. He's in touch with something else outside the natural order. He told me about it once, a long time ago, when he used to talk more. He said he killed a man in his youth. Went to hide in Canada, deep in the woods there. He found something. Somebody showed him things. He uses the boy somehow. They disappear and he goes on. You're shaking, she said. I had been trying to hide it, but my whole body was like jerking. I couldn't control it. I know. I told her and she started rubbing my chest. It just keeps me in a box. And I hate the box. Do I have to sleep in the closet? Can I stay out here with you? I guess. She said she wanted to thank me for helping. is sister thanked me that night. And she did. It was the best thinking I'd ever had. And after all the thinking, she told me what we really had to do. What? What? This has to be a this has to be written by like a 17 year old boy. I'm going to tell you that right now. This is probably 100% written by a 16 year old boy. I'll tell you that right now. She told me what we really had to do. No running, she tells me. He'll always run faster. He steals pills. They're not from the pharmacy. I can tell you that. Without his pills, he's powerless. Can't even make more. If we can get in the house and take them, we can kill him, and I'll be free. Kill him? It's fentanyl. Kill him? If I'm free, I'll have all the time in the world for thanking him more, she said. Okay, this is a fun... Okay. If I'm free, I'll have all the time in the world for thanking you more, she said. Okay, so first off, this person's evil. There is no fucking way. This is the most obvious trap. My boy is blinded. Run away, child, again. With that, she gave me another sample of her gratitude. I heard the call of booty, and I agreed to her plan. All right, I heard the call of booty, and I will say that's pretty good. I'm going to have to use it on my wife sometime. I heard the call of booty. Okay. So I'm thinking I'll slip out and get them now before it's too late. As I was getting ready by the light from my phone, I hear something. Remember how my mom stays up watching her stories? No, because I thought her mom was fucking. I thought their mom was dead. I didn't even know that she was there. I thought it was just their dad. Remember how my mom stays up watching her stories? Well, mom walks in right then to ask what I'm still doing up as she sees the girl. I'm embarrassed thinking, now my mom's going to know I was just with this girl and that's my mom. And then, oh man, what about what she tells dad? She doesn't say what I expect at all. She looks scared to death. Now, let me tell you a little about my mom. She's super smart. Reads like a book a day. She used to teach geology in school. She got burnout. She stays home now and keeps to herself. She's always been a little different. like she could tell you when you're sick before you even feel it so mom sees the girl in bed she puts her hand on my chest and says john baptiste who is this man you know when people say the blood drained out of me i didn't know what that felt like until then i turn around and she still she still looks at the girl to me she still looks like a girl to me but she's smirking most evil damn smirk i've ever seen she pulls the cardboard off my window and climbs right out still smirking. My arm runs up and hugs me. She hasn't done that to me in like two years, and I cried. The bussy is a dangerous and powerful drug, my friends. My man was in the desert and saw a mirage. John Baptiste. Who was this man? that is, that is fucked. John Baptiste, who is this man, is a, that is, that has to be a crib cast legendary line of my, my God, the call of pussy is louder than, is louder than most. My God. Tricks. How was that? How was that title of the chapter? Not tricks. My, my God. Hold on. I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. It's one of those things where it's like, it's too good to be true. It really is, obviously, but I did not expect a story to go where the guy fucked the old man. That is crazy. My God. Old grandpa pussy, dude. It's fucked up. Little grandpa pussy wrapped up into pens. Tricks! Mom woke dad up, sat us all down, and she didn't even have to ask for an explanation. She just had to look at you. mainstand crumpled like a fat man's lawn chair. We just up and told them everything. That's the oldest struggle, no man. That's it after a moment. A boy's loyalty to his dad or to his dick. Ordinarily, his dick is going to live longer. Except I haven't decided how to deal with you yet. So that's up in the air. He was saying his normal mad threats. Also, I just want to say, cracking a joke, I just want to say to the author, I am emotionally swinging. I am emotionally swinging. The dad, we're still cracking jokes. And John Baptiste just fucked an old man, fucked pussy, like a couple times. He got sucked and fucked by an old man. I mean, we're still cracking jokes. I'm just going to say that. We're still cracking jokes about. All right? He was saying his normal mad threats, but this wasn't dad when he's mad. He was more disappointed. I don't know. Never seen him like this. We say we're sorry and we mean it. He takes me aside and tells me it's too late for sorry. Once that thing got your juice, you're marked. How do you know that, Daddy? How do you know about juice? I started to get offensive like, Dad, she's innocent. You've seen that creepier stuff with the wood chisel. She's under a spell. I'm thinking we can rescue her and maybe even stop that man before he hurts anyone else. Dad's just shaking his head like I'm trying to order a McDouble at a Burger King. you remember that time at the barbershop you're going across i told him that i remembered so he would stop there okay do you remember the time you almost got on that school bus and i stopped you i barely remembered that it's not something i thought much about as i remembered it i was around nine or ten sam was six or seven i remember this woman waking us up to go to school she said she was the babysitter that wasn't anything strange she was strange but we just did what she uh what We just did what we got told, got ready and headed out to wait for the bus. The babysitter standing beside us on the porch and not saying anything. This part is what I remember best. When the bus pulls up, she starts hitting her head against the porch post and groaning. The bus wasn't like our normal school bus either. It was white and one of the short buses. Me and Sam were going to it because what else could we do? And never could see the driver. Suddenly, we see Dad drive up and come running out of his car. We're surprised because he's supposed to be at work. He's yelling for us to stop, and he grabs us when he catches up. The bus driver, the bus drives off right away. So, we think we did something wrong. But Dad lets us watch TV the rest of the day. And that's what I remember most. Something weird happened, and Dad let us watch cartoons all day long. One of my favorite memories. It was Memorial Day, he said. There was no school that day. Oh, my God. Okay, I just want to say this story, I'll tell you what, the little reveals are haymakers, all right? The little, the reveals are haymakers. I'm not going to lie. This is right when I think that some of the sex and the jokes or whatever, it pulls you back in with something. Also, if it's a white short bus, did anyone else just think that it was just like a white van? I feel like in my mind I'm just picturing like a Chevy, like a Chevy white van. They never found that bus. Nobody knew who the babysitter was. And she wouldn't talk. I guess the police picked her up. Mom and dad really did have to work, and there really was a babysitter. The fake one told the real one to get lost. But, you know, the thing that freaked me out the most learning this, it's not just what would have happened to me or Sam if we got on the bus. It's that I know I saw some kids already on that bus. Bruh. Oh, my God. Dude, when the fuck is the author going to let me take a minute, dude? My God. I feel like this is round three in a boxing event. Like, I'm gassed, dude. Holy shit. Once you get marked, I think they got a claim on your offspring. Like it's theirs, dad said. I know I ain't the only fool that dipped in that. Oh my God. Jesus. I know I ain't the only fool that dipped in that, but they're not having my kids. Now you've gone and made sure you live with the same shit I did. I had to make sure you can't have no kids right now. Please tell me this is not like a Tommy Taffy thing. This is slowly becoming a Tommy Taffy situation if the dad and Tommy Taffy fuck Tommy. I think dad could see he got to me. I was near tears. Not just because of remembering what happened. It was just thinking that one bad choice could ruin my kids' lives. Hi! I plan on having kids someday. He puts his big hand on my shoulder. Dad's hand always feels like it weighs about 20 pounds. He says, I just need to get to school, and he'll take care of it. Dad, you're like 52, all right, and nothing has happened. I don't trust you to solve this. I don't trust the dad to do anything. What has the dad done yet? Oh, just go to school. Your dad will take care of it. How about no, dad? How about you fuck yourself? Okay? Then you're going to tell me what really happened with you and Red? Because we both know that he just confessed to getting it on with the woman, and he very much admitted that detail from the original version of the story. Get on to school. Get on to school for now, he says. Wait, so hold on. Hold on. Let me just make sure. Am I really? The guy was sitting on the bed. Are we to assume that the kid still had sex with, like, some woman who was under a spell that I'm guessing was the same woman that was on the porch? Or is this – or was it that even the dad doesn't realize that he had sex with the guy? So it is the dude. Okay, so I'm guessing that – I'm guessing the dad doesn't realize, too, that he also – I guess the dad also dipped it in. so both his son and the dad have gotten to experience like devilish grand pussy I meet Sam at our street as we're both coming home from school we can see dad's car in the driveway inside we find mom in her back room reading dad ain't anywhere in the house I just want to say too, it is odd how calm the mom is both the mom and dad have got me questioning things Why is the mom still just reading Junie B. Jones in the back goddamn room like nothing's happening? Didn't she just see that her son got done dicking down an old man and even her husband's just like, yeah, put my dipstick in that a couple times and the oil's clean. Why is no one else reacting, you know? Inside we find mom in her back room reading, dad ain't anywhere in the house. We ask mom what's up, but she doesn't know. She's been lone wolfing again. She gets worried when she sees our faces, so we have to fill her in. She keeps asking more questions, so we have to keep answering. By the time she's done Judge Juditing us, she knows just about everything there is to know. I've never heard of Red Finney, she said. You just believe everything that man tells you? They'd call your dad Red on account of how he charged you when he played. Hold on a second. What? I've never heard of Red Finney. She said, you believe anything that man tells you, they call your dad red on account of how he charged you when he played. What? There is no, there is no fucking way the dad is. I figured it's just some lore from dad's life. She forgot. So we show her the pictures of red Finney with the jacket. She says they all, she says they all had that jacket back then. The boy in the picture was Phil McCoy and no one ever called him red. Oh no. I said because I knew where dad was. I took off running to the neighbor's house. Sam was right behind me. We didn't care what creepy shit was in that house. Dad says a lot of colorful things. Dad says a lot of colorful sayings. I know it seems like he's mad all the time, but Sam and me both know he'd do anything for us. Even die. He made me the guy I am today. All the good parts anyway. He's just the most amazing person I know. Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? What? I mean, what? He's the most amazing guy I know. Motherfucker. Has he just been lying to you this whole time? I don't know if I like the dad, if I may not. So the dad, I don't know if I'm on board with the dad. All right? So I'm thinking I'm going to kick in the door like in the movies, except it isn't even locked. We should open the door and walk in. First thing I notice, it doesn't smell like burnt sugar no more. It smells more like old socks and jock straps. Oh, he's been fucking. It's real dark inside. Everything covered in white cloth. There's handprints on the walls. but they're down low, like someone was crawling around on their belly. JB, why are those fingers so long? Sam asked. Let's not ask questions. Let's not ask any more questions, I said. We come to one room at the end of the downstairs hall where we can hear flies buzzing around inside. There's got to be thousands of them to make that noise. Sam looks at me like he's about to open it, but I stop him. That could be in there, he says. I just know I got a real bad feeling about that room, Like, almost making me sick going near it. I tell him to trust me, and he does. God. We went back to where the staircase went up. We could hear voices. We tensed up at first, ready for a fight, until we recognized the voices. They were our own. What? We got nearer and could hear what we were saying. Sam saying, You see the titties on that? Bet you wish you'd picked this room. And me saying, We were spending a lot of quality time together. Inside that room, the wall was just full of monitors like a control room or something they were all playing some video from inside our home one monitor even showed me and Sam as kids playing with toy swords I never saw that video before I think there was blood on one of the monitors I didn't tell Sam I didn't want to lose hope we left that room and went across this one, this was the room Darnell described the old TV on the couch and someone's sitting on the couch almost screamed when I saw it I slowly walked forward then my eyes adjusted there's no way it was the creepy old man I didn't know who it was it was just a middle aged black man just eating oatmeal and watching some black and white TV show sir? I say don't put me in the dark don't put me in the dark don't put me back and he kept saying that last part he didn't sound scared but there was no feeling to it he just kept saying the words eating oatmeal and watching a show I shake his shoulder and tell him that we're looking for my dad. Thad? He went upstairs. Now he's gone. Gone where? Into the dark. We talk about it too much. It's liable to come get you. You want to see a trick? He put his hand up to his head, and the TV turned off. I couldn't see a remote anywhere. Pretty cool, huh? We nodded. Remember how you'd fall asleep watching Aladdin, he asked? Remember how you'd fall asleep watching Aladdin? Bad for the power bill. Want to see another trick? Sam started tugging my hand at that point. I don't think he wanted to see another trick. I know for sure I didn't. He put his hand on his head again and screamed. As soon as he did, my phone started ringing. It was my dad. Dad was calling. I told the dude to shut up and he stopped screaming. I answered and both me and Sam were calling to him, asking where he was. On the other end, all I heard was hissing. Nobody ever spoke. Where's dad? I asked the man again. I bunched my hand to a fist because I was about ready to get some answers from this a-hole. He put his hands up to his hand. Oh, okay. I think he puts his hands together. You don't want to see this trick. I followed Sam out. I followed Sam out and downstairs. The buzzing had left that one room. So did my bad feeling. Inside, there was just a pile of tar on the floor and a dead snake. More crazy voodoo shit, I thought. We looked in every room of that house now. Dad wasn't inside. We told Mom and together we made a police report. Police told us they'd look into it, but our dad, an adult, but our dad, an adult, and if he chose to run off with a sexy neighbor, that makes him a jerk, not a criminal. I couldn't believe they saw it that anyway. I couldn't believe they saw it that way. They didn't know Dad at all. Plus the house next door wasn't officially occupied, they said. A couple from Vancouver owned it. They leave it empty until they fly down in the winter for a few months. So they figured dad had his mistress just chilling there. What the fuck is going on? Okay. Couldn't you just, I mean, okay, so they get there and the guy is gone, whatever. But couldn't you tell you, hey, there's a guy in there and he's like fucking tapping his head and turning on TVs and calling my dad or whatever. There's a goddamn dead snake and tar in there. Hello? What is happening? I don't know. Energy. About two weeks after dad went missing Is when the white dudes in the suit showed up at the front door Don't want to deal with no Jehovah Witnesses with all that's going on They were something else They show up with their badges that say Department of Energy They're asking to speak with John Baptiste And I say that to me They come right in without asking They sat on the couch like really close to each other Their hands were touching It was weird Like there's plenty of room guys Then they started asking questions They want to know everything about everything that's been happening. I'm not sure what I should tell them. I don't know these guys. I don't like it much either. I just tell myself if there's any chance they can help with Dad, I should tell them everything. I do just that. The full crazy. Not one turd of batshit left out of it. They don't look surprised or nothing, like I was telling them about last night's game. You know what they're more interested in? The box. Did you see the box? He asked. I tell him no. I didn't see it. And, did you have seen this box and not been aware of it? And I was like, if I wasn't aware of it, then I wouldn't know if I've seen it or not. So that's a yes. It's a no. They each pulled a Capri Sun from their inside pockets, stabbed it with a little straw, and started sucking. What adults drink Capri Sun? Then they say, Have you or anyone in your family had sexual contact with the entities residing next door? It's funny because I heard entities as them titties. I know that sounds childish, but they said it funny. What? Like they wanted me to hear titties. They didn't seem like something the Department of Energy would do, though. I ignored it. Because that one small detail had indeed left out of my account. They had no business knowing that. Are you guys here to help find my dad? I straight up asked them. They answered with, where is he? I tell them I don't know. That's why he's missing. They look at each other and grab hands like they were some buddy cop movie. They finish their capri sign and politely return to their own pockets. Listen, Jean Baptiste, one says. Did you get a grasp on the identities of the neighbors? Again, identities was pronounced as I like them titties. I dim titties, we get it. I told them that they know all I know already and that half of it was probably bullshit. Don't be a boob, the other said. Breast thing to do is cooperate. It might be tituous, but take a moment. Try to jug your mammaries. It's losing me, dude. This is, this is, just like that. That's how they said it. Now I knew they were dicking with me, but they looked so serious, like crazy serious. I don't know if they'd ever smile in their lives serious. It wasn't no prank or joke. They were just trying to get under my skin or mess with my head or something. It was working, too. I was thinking of a big, soft breast and feeling guilty about it. Then they asked if they could use the bathroom. They went together. And you know what? I never saw them again. There's no way out of that house except windows. None of the windows were opened. Didn't look like they'd been to the bathroom either. Just not sure how they did it. But they just fucked off. Sam came downstairs a minute or so later. He'd been asleep. He'd been sleeping a lot since Dad went missing. I guess that's how he handles it. He says, JB, who the hell are those dudes in your room? So we run upstairs and there's nobody there. No way to get out except them stairs. You hallucinating? Two dudes in suit just walked right into your room before I ran down. They were smiling real wide, but there were a sign above the door saying, this way for blowjobs. That's another weird thing. To get upstairs, they would have had to come back out from where the downstairs bathroom is and walk by me. But that never happened. I don't know how they got up there or where they went. We searched every inch of the home to make sure they weren't hiding. Only finding, uh, only thing I found was a business card. They left it on my pillow. Days later, I'm still thinking they're going to pop out when I'm in the shower. I don't know who those guys really were. I don't know what they want from me. Pretty sure they ain't department of anything. Pretty sure they won't be helping me or dad either. The next day, I was driving home from the grocery store, and I see the middle-aged guy from the house. Red Finney, I guess I'll call him. He's walking real slow along the sidewalk, shuffling really. I pull up to him and say, Hey, you need to tell the police what you know. Where's my dad? He keeps shuffling along like I'm not even there. So now I'm starting to get mad. I'm yelling at this guy. This lady runs out of the apartment and is like, Excuse me, what do you think you're doing? Who do you think you are? I tell her this creep knows what happened to my dad and he won't say nothing. She says, Mr. Turley has advanced dementia. He barely knows where he is, let alone your dad. Leave him alone. She tells him, come on inside, Mr. Turley. Some people just don't understand. Is this not one of your tricks? I ask. The man darts his hand into my car and grabs my phone from my pocket so fast, I almost didn't notice. He starts messing around with it while I'm trying to grab it back. Then he holds it out like he's giving it back, and I see he's got a sly look. I grab it anyways. when i do he pulls me close to him he smells like moth balls and rotten meat and he whispers call your dad tonight midnight the lady says mr turley you want us to take your lights away do you get inside i watch them walk away i can but notice and i can help but notice the lady nurse She got this nice fat butt with a tiny waist a pumpkin ass like Darnell says and fine legs too I'm looking her up and down, and I see she's got snake tattoos on her ankles. Kind of sexy. Except then I think of all the snakes from that house. She turns back and gives me... Then she looks at me just then, and I exaggerate when I say it looked like she wanted to stick a butcher knife in my face. I drive the hell out of there. It's like a weird fucking like Pennywise creature or something. I don't know. This whole thing, though, of the continuous callbacks to how sexy the thing is, is getting a bit fatiguing as I'm realizing we're almost two hours into this. That night, Sam and I watched the clock tick down to midnight. We did what we wondered now. Mom didn't care how late we stayed up. She just hid with her books. In all these stories, I feel like... You see it a lot in children's stories where the parents are just super incompetent. It feels like that. It's time, Sam shouted. I dialed the number. We dialed many times since Dad disappeared. We'd fill up his voicemail. We'd ask for the phone to be traced unsuccessfully. This time, for the first time, it rang. It rang and rang and rang. He's not going to answer, JB, Sam said, sending more discouraged than ever. Let me try again, and I did. It kept ringing again, but this time someone answered. Dad? There's no answer. It's not silent either. You can hear breathing in some kind of activity. Then Dad's voice singing. He's singing Phenomenal Cat. He used to sing that song to us all the time when we were little, exactly like that. We're trying to talk to him the whole time, but he just keeps singing like it's a recording. So we give up. We just listen to him sing, and then the phone hangs up. We tried calling it back. We tried calling back, and it went straight to voicemail. We told the police, but they still believe he ran away with his neighbor. We told them about the Department of Energy, too, and they politely told us they get lost. See ya! Sing it, Hunter. I don't know. I wonder what a phenomenal cat. It's a phenomenal cat. Meow. Look at him go. He jumps. Meow. He rolls. Meow. He sings. He's a phenomenal cat. Meow. And he's here to brighten. your day. There you go. Phenomenal cat. Thea! My dad's sister came down from Michigan to help find dad and help my mom cope. She really was there to take us back. I guess all of our family agreed we couldn't handle that house by ourselves. She had us packed up what we needed, put it in her van, and drove me, Sam, and mom to stay with her. Since we've been staying with Aunt Thea, nothing at all happened strange. No Department of Energy, no creepy old men, no snakes, no titties, neither. I almost forgot what normal was like. Kind of boring, but cool too. I'm okay with it. But I miss Dad so much. He's going to make me wear my balls for earrings. Who's going to make me wear my balls for earrings? Or whip me with my own dick? Who's going to get mad at me because I scratch myself in a funny way? He's out there somewhere. I feel it. I didn't know Aunt Thea too well. She and Dad didn't have a good relationship, I guess. Because he never talked about her and she never visited. She was practically a stranger. Mom needed the help, though, so she took it. Once, we'd been with Aunt Thea for a month or so. I started to trust her. She was good to me and Sam, and she listened to us. She took the time to get to know us. She said good things about Dad, so a little bit at a time, we told her about what had happened. She never once said she didn't believe us. One day, Aunt Thea told us that she remembers when she and Dad were both teens, and he came running into the house at night and he looked scared out of his mind. She thought right away that he got himself involved with gangs or some such. Some shit, I don't know. She rolls up her magazine and gives him a good hit with it. He got mad, she said, but at least he's not scared anymore. She tells him that what he gets, you tell that's what he gets from messing with gangs. It ain't gangs at all though. There's something really wrong with the people in that big house. She tells him he needs to relax. They're just circus people. Dad's like, what the hell are you talking about? Enthea tells me, but sure enough, I remember seeing them put on a magic show. I think it was at the circus, this old man and a woman. She looked like she was in a daze the whole time. He had her high behind a curtain. Seconds later, she walked out of a door on the other side of the stage. They were good, I thought. They were good. I thought I had it figured out that she had a twin then they took a volunteer they had them go inside this box they pretended they lost him after that the box was empty the young guy wasn't around nowhere and finally they go and find him in the box again it made my hair stand on end because I swear to Jesus I don't normally swear at all that what came out of that box was not the same boy at all looked just like him but it wasn't him I knew that boy and that wasn't him or if it was him, he'd lost something. He left town right after that. Some folks said he'd seen things in that box that it took him somewhere awful. Other folks laughed and said the magician paid him real well. Now that's what they all call, now that's what they call digression. What I really want to tell you is what happened the next day. Your dad goes off with his friends up to their mischief. They stay at home like I usually do. that lady from the circus comes by knocking on her front door in person. She's so beautiful. I remember thinking that face like a heart, big eyes, lashes fanning out like a wood nymph. I was predisposed to think unkindly towards her. However, I can't tell you why. She says your dad left us something in her house, and she shows me his watch. It was a gift from our father. He ought to be ashamed for losing it. She asked if she can come in and give it to him. I watch a lot of cop shows. I know a little about looking around. I fancy myself a detective, so I gave her a good look over. And do you think a girl like that wouldn't cast the finest shadow you ever saw? It wasn't. Her shadow was tall, lank, and bent over like a wet scarecrow. There's no angle or light that can make this girl cast that shadow. Oh, that's sick. I believe the devil can take any shape. So when I saw that, I grabbed the watch and told her to never set foot on the home again. She laughed and said she goes where she pleases. She said that, but that was the last time I saw her. that's kind of sick, dude. Sam and me would talk to Aunt Thea a lot after that. She's just sharing ideas about what happened, thinking things through. We didn't have a cork board with string or nothing, but we were a little team trying to solve a mystery, keeping each other honest. Having someone you love missing is a strange thing. You have to go back to living your life sometimes. Being normal, and then you feel guilty because you spent some time living when they might be out there waiting for you to save them. That's how it felt. It's not the same as if Dad died. He was out there still. Even after months passed, I believed he was out there. We never stopped our meetings. We've been named the group The Finders. We didn't do much of any finding, though. More just looking. We searched the internet for clues for hours and hours, and there was nothing. You'd think someone else out there had the same story, but nothing. We had no leads, no further research. So, what did we spend our time doing? Just talking about it. Analyzing the experiences. It was like their therapy. It was like therapy and theorizing. Like philosophy or something. Aunt Thea would listen and give us hints and guide our thinking in one direction. And then tell us why that made sense or didn't make sense. Like, is that lady a demon? Well, maybe let's think about it. Demons want you to damn yourself and she wanted, well. There was another topic. What did she want? She's got dad. Is that all she wanted? Does she have to dig naked in her backyard for that? Does she have to rub the titties over to get her dad? And Aunt Thea would ask questions like, so you grab my Rice Krispie squares when you want to watch a movie. What's them squares got to do with watching a movie? So I guess the point is, she wanted dad, but I was a snack. On we went. Lots of looking. no real finding. We decided that we were all people once, bad people, and something happened to them. We decided they were all people once, bad people, and something happened to them. But Sam said they're aliens, and maybe he's right. It helped. It helped. As therapy, it helped. We were doing something. We were understanding what happened to us, understanding it. Aunt Thea said we could master it, control it. I wasn't sure how, but she was convincing. We finally had a big breakthrough after months. It was completely unexpected and only happened... We finally had a big breakthrough after months. It was completely unexpected and only happened thanks to Sam. Thanks to Sam being a little pervert, that is. We were reviewing the events again and we got to help. We got the help me message. Aunt Thea was asking more and more questions like, Are you sure it was eyeliner? Should it have been ash and such? and that's when Sam revealed it. I still have the panties. Want me to bring them? We managed to sneak them out of my room and keep them with his stuff even after we traveled. He told no one until this very day. When we saw us staring, he looked ashamed and admitted that he liked the smell. A little pervert. Just go get them, Anthea said. Sam offered them to her but she backed away like they were made of buttholes and plutonium. Just put them on the table, she said. Anyone touching them will be under its power. Sam and I exchanged a look we heard a lot from Anthea and never hinted that she was a Santeria Santeria what the fuck does that mean Santeria Santeria or Regula de Ocha is an Afro-Cuban religion blending Yoruba beliefs with Catholicism focusing on relations with demons called Orishas for guidance and protection okie dokie this is powerful she announced JB I want you to go to my bedroom look under the bed where you'll see a wooden box about the size of your Xbox. Handle it from the sides and bring it to me. You got it? How do we know this isn't the old man? How do we know this isn't the old man with the box? Hello? I'm almost positive that, hey, bear trap is prepped. Is prepped, alright? I'd never been in a room before. At this point, I expect to see chicken feet and shrunken heads, but nah, it was just a normal older lady's bedroom. eww I found the box right away when I got back she had moved Sam back against the wall and was walking in a circle around the table she ordered me to place the box on the floor next to Sam she came over to the box squatted down to open it and pulled out an old mp3 player I only know cause I had one when I was 5 she plugged it in then hooked it up to a little speaker set that was also in the box what is that Sam asked it's how Jesus listened to music I said Suddenly, the smooth criminal was blasting as loud as those little speakers could manage. I'll be able to tell you where they are, she shouted. You have to leave. I saw her sit in a chair against the wall and close her eyes. She was muttering something as we left while Michael Jackson checked out on Annie's status. We left while... Fuck! I saw her sit in a chair against the wall and close her eyes. She was muttering something as we left while Michael Jackson checked out on Annie's status. Sam and I didn't know how long this would take It's not like she told us much So we just hovered around the door for a while I gave Sam crap about the panties while we waited I was surprised they weren't crusty He didn't reply He just waited with his head down After 30 minutes, we got tired of it And did other things Then we went to bed Anthea still hadn't come out of that room in the morning We could still hear smooth criminal on repeat Sam went to knock, but I shook my head Turns out he didn't need to knock anyway. The music stopped right then. She came stumbling out of the room, all sweaty and coughing. We had to help her downstairs. She drank three full bottles of water and ate all the Pop-Tarts right out of the box. What happened? They're here, she said. In Detroit. Just the kind of mockery I expect is such a... Just the kind of mockery I expect is such a... What? Hunter, what the fuck is wrong with your brain? My God. In Detroit. Just the kind of mockery I expect of such as those. Go upstairs. You'll find a powder on the table where the object was. Don't touch it. Just put it on one of my mason jars. Just put it in one of my mason jars. Just put it one. I feel like there's typos. Just put it in one of my mason jars. Then in half a cup of milk. Wait. Okay. Hunter, I need. I need my fentanyl. My God. Go upstairs. You'll find powder on the table where the object was. Don't touch it. Just put it in one of my mason jars. Then add half a cup of milk. Okay, baby? I never really like the baby comment. This is a witch, all right? By object, you mean panties, I asked. Her reply, boy. She was dad's sister. Off I went again to follow her instructions. I asked Sam to stick with her just in case. I didn't understand what was going on, but I trusted Anthea completely. When I went into the room, there was a dead snake where the panties had been. It was surrounded with red powder. I used an old envelope to scrape the powder into a mason jar. When I added milk to it, it was bubbled and turned to blood, or it looked like blood. They made a mistake, Anthea said when we saw it. Sam and I were anxious to do something. We couldn't contain ourselves, but Anthea insisted we had to be patient. Impulse got us into this. It ain't going to get us out, she said. The jar had to sit for a week, so we had to go about our regular lives. Plus, we had math homework to do. And she said, we better do it. The seven days. We halted all finder meetings at Aunt Thea's request, using that time to do homework instead. She especially wanted us to do our math work. Math clears the mind, she said. The first day of that week, I heard a strange noise outside my window. A sickening, warbling sound. I ran to the window thinking something was out there dying. What I saw was a box. Just sitting in the backyard. A wardrobe sized rectangle. Its door was open. I couldn't see anything inside. It was the blackest block. I went downstairs to the den window for a closer look. Anthea and Sam were already there. Already starting, huh? She said. I don't like that thing. Sam said. It's just a box. I said, patting Sam on the shoulder. But I knew better. I knew the moment I saw it. Just by feel, it was the box. The box Anthea told us about. The box that bitch told me he kept her in. The box that Capri-Sung guys wanted. If only, Anthea said. Damn thing got bigger since I last saw it. Listen here, boys. They don't like what we're up to. And they're about to do everything in their power to stop it. And with that box, they got a lot of power. It's going to be the longest seven days since the Lord created all things. What do we do? I asked. do your math. We thought she was kidding, but she shut that down. You're going to do your math homework? You're not going to get ahead while you're at it? You're going to get ahead while you're at it? So hit the books. Before dinner, when I couldn't take any more equations, I came down for a walk around. Smell what was cooking. Sam was standing in the den after staring out the window. What are you doing? I asked. Watching it, he said. It gets darker sometimes. Not possible. It is. Something in there is darker yet. And when it moves, you can see. He looked and he was hypnotized staring at the box. The last time we stared too hard at something, it started this whole mess. Knock that off, I said and closed the curtains. I had to hold him back when he tried to reopen the curtains. I'd never seen him like that. Stop! If I don't keep watching, something will happen! He got past me and flung the curtains open. And when he did, we caught a glimpse of some hunched figure in all black tiptoeing out of sight around the corner. What was that? Sam asked. Steve Urkel, I said. But we didn't laugh. We told Aunt Thea what we saw. He said, or she said, mm-hmm, go do your math. So I did algebra two. And Sam did trigonometry. But we waited for something to happen. The only thing that happened was dinner. It took me a long time to fall asleep that night. I kept wondering what was coming next. Night was always when Miss Booba would get up to something. Sure enough, as soon as I nodded off, I heard a whisper. J.B. Sam? I turned on the lamp. A frog was on the floor by my bed. It opens its mouth and I heard, J.B. I jumped on the bed and covered my feet. The frog stared at me with its cold eyes. J.B., it's your dad. Quit being a pussy and help me out of the box. I can speak to you through this frog. You have to hurry. How do I know you're my dad? I asked. Remember? It whispered. Remember that time I took you fishing out on the lake? I felt the tears starting to form in my eyes. You always wanted to go fishing. And I even let you make your own fly. We were supposed to catch trout. And we kept catching frogs after frog. That's why I used a frog. So you'd know. I remember that day. The day you were thinking. why did God want me to death? why did God want me to have so many frogs? who say you'd be ready for this day? frog day bring the jar of blood to the box and get me out none of that had ever happened only the lake had been right a lucky guess so I picked up my shoe to kill the damn thing stop! I'm in here the frog and my little babies it was her voice still whispering but I could tell it was her it was like she was in the room with me I guess she was just in a frog you put your babies in me remember you got me pregnant JB and you filled me up did you kill your babies your grandpa likes them they like to move he moves with them we're always moving around moving moving moving little baby bugs oh my god good fucking lord I threw the shoe and I missed the frog leaped out the window I know I had never opened that window when I went to shut it I saw a face staring up at me from the box it wasn't the woman or the old man something else I felt dizzy and sick when I saw it it vanished almost right away I knew I wasn't going back to sleep so I went downstairs and Aunt Thea had a slice of pie ready for me and my math book I fell asleep on the couch with the algebra book on my lap. Well, I fell asleep on the couch with the algebra book on my lap. Fuck sakes. I woke up to see Sam staring out the window again. Stop looking at it, I told him. He was pissing me off now. I couldn't sleep, he said without turning around. Anthea's dogs kept licking my feet all night. Uh-huh. But that's right. You don't got a dog. The goddamn licking of the dog. Good lord. It is just like my aunt in San Diego. It is so gross. It's so nasty. God damn it. The day went much the same as the previous day. Sam stared obsessively. We ate meals, kept the doors locked, and we were forced to study a lot of math. Sam and I camped out in his bedroom that night. We wanted to stick together with no view of the box. JP, are you awake? Sam asked when I was almost asleep. Jesus, Sam. I am now. The thing's been putting ideas in my head. What? When I look at the box, it puts thoughts in me that aren't mine. It showed me what it did to you that night. With the titty woman. She put creatures in your body. Oh my god. My heart just about skipped a beat. No, Sam. I put something in her after that. She did something to you. When you're 40, you'll see. Stop! told me it'll turn you into a chair you'll still be alive and you'll be still and you'll still be yourself but nobody will know you'll just see a chair and sit on you or drag you around you'll be alive and starving and tired but you can't die can you imagine being a chair if we give them that jar they'll fix it it's a lie it showed me other things he started saying but I put my hands over my mouth go to sleep or I swear that was the night Sam started sleepwalking Anthea caught him about uh Anthea caught him about to open the back door. So day three, the plan is Anthea locks us in the room. But I wasn't going to wait for night three. I asked Anthea what happens if we just stop all of this, give them the jar, and tell them to fuck off. Maybe they're never going to leave you alone, she said. Maybe for now, but not forever. And you'll never get your dad back. I just thought, would dad want me to risk Sam's life for this? My dad, never. He slapped my ears for even having to ask. I trusted Aunt Thea. I did, but she didn't know everything. I already learned all of algebra too, I told her when she wanted me to do more math. That's it. I hit the limit. Funny you mention limits, she replied, because I'd like to introduce you to the differential calculus. In the den, you'll find a textbook from when I was a college girl. It's still good. calculus don't change i went to sam at the window where he was start uh where he was staring tears were running down his face and his eyes were full of blood his lips were moving rapidly i could hear him saying some of the ideas they were putting in his mind i made up my mind right then i'm sorry i told him i kissed his forehead he didn't move so while aunt thea thought i was doing calculus and while mom stayed in the room reading her kindle all day and while sam got his ideas put in his head. I pulled out the business card. I'd saved and called the Department of Energy. And within an hour, a U-Haul painted black pulled into Anthea's driveway. A bunch of white men in dark gray suits jumped out the back. What'd you do? Anthea asked me. The men stood in a circle around the box, each holding up a smartphone looking thing, and they walked in a circle around the box. I heard that weird sound again. The sickening warble. Then the men took the box back to the U-Haul. While they were doing that, the jar of blood exploded and the blood inside burned a hole in aunt thea's kitchen table we could have made it she said never see that box again now sam wasn't doing his math i told her we left it that sam hasn't spoken to me since he understands what i did and he resents me for it so that's the story of how i grew up how i became a man took responsibility and made everyone hate me i thought about killing myself a few times since then of all people of all people the one who kept me from ending it was mom She put her hand on my shoulder and said, Dad, I'd be so proud of you. Then she added, too bad we're in that box. Not a day goes by that I don't think of that. Oh, God. You know... It's... crashing out by yourself is such a different experience. I feel like around the halfway mark, I was pretty, I was feeling the fatigue, like the humor was hitting me. And then it just seemed like, it's one of those things, I mean, it's the classic creepypasta conundrum, where it's like an interesting idea or a spooky hook that goes absolutely fucking nowhere. and now it's just this like a slog of an ending and then it's you can obviously tell that people they had no idea what the fuck to do so they're just like and it's done i don't know and they're they're in the box that's it bye bye but i will say halfway i think for about an hour and 15 minutes i have been in full-blown panic attack mode reading this the the like i kind of like the idea at first where it was like, oh, they're using the humor of like a kid wanting like, you know, a fucking teenage boy in high school wanting sex, whatever from a hot woman that lives next door. And he used that as a hook to propel you into a fun story. But God, it just like it just never fucking ended, man. It just never, it never ended. And then we just crescendoed. I was just, you know, and the thing too is I could sit there and be and nitpick the entire thing and be in this spot where it's like, well, you You know, you could just sit there and make this a four hour long recording, just complaining the whole time. But I don't know. I just I was powering through to see if there was anything. It's weird, too, though. There were so many moments where it was like a fun hook or a fun jab. You know what I mean? So many like little moments. But the dog looking feet. Oh, boy, getting grand bussy, you know. All that stuff. a lot of little things. I didn't understand that there was just a lot of stuff where I'm like, what the fuck is this supposed to mean? Like the whole idea of the, the whole idea of like the snake doesn't really go anywhere. The mom felt, the mom felt useless. Unless the mom had always been just a part of the voodoo ritual experience. Like the bus didn't make sense. Also the energy people. I thought that was just, I guess it is supposed to be, the dude. It's supposed to be the old man, I'm pretty sure. And then he was able to get out of there while they were doing the spell or something. But this whole idea of, like, she's listening to Michael Jackson for, like, a day and a half. It's just all really, I just, what the fuck was, I don't know. I feel lost. I'm very curious to see what the general audience thinks, but I don't know. I don't know, man. I don't know. And the Capri Sun thing, like those little details where it's like, I can't tell if like these little details where like it's taking elements of your memories or your experience and trying to. It's like fabricating people and ideas just off of like things that it's monitored you. But like, I don't know. I don't know. Also, the dementia, dude. It's just it seems like is every person this is every person this child is interacting with is just this entity, this Tommy Taffy esque entity. I don't know I feel like the beginning I got at the beginning I was kind of bought in on how silly and fun it was and then it just kind of kept getting and to say that it got weird is a bad thing I don't think that's the bad thing it just got nonsensical to the point where I don't know it feels like a kid wrote it or whatever I don't know I don't fucking know this is usually the part where Isaiah will say nice things and then I get to kind of like you know be I get put into a spot where I'm like, oh, I guess that's true. You know, oh, that's a fair point or something like that. But now you just have fucking negative Nancy. And I'm like, what the fuck was that, dude? I mean, I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. At least we got to have my mom talk about what she would do if boys were trying to look at her titties. That was kind of fun. So at least we got that. That's not horrible. But you know what? It's a story. You know, we had some nice, fun laughs out of it. There were some fun, spooky moments, but it just falls into the very classic category of I have a fun idea, and I have no way to execute this idea, so I'm just going to throw a bunch of random shit at the end, and it'll be racked up quickly because I'm bored or I just don't want to do it anymore. There it is. Thank you guys for hanging out and jamming with me so long. I know this is kind of a longer recording today, but this will be the one that's up on the YouTube channel. But I just figured I would stream it here just so I could have somebody to talk to with it or, you know, have something. So thank you so much to my beautiful Patreon chat for keeping me company here. And then also thank you to all the people who are on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and all that jazz and give us a nice rating. It really does help us out, and I appreciate it. Until next time, guys, hopefully Isaiah will be joining us again. Like I said, we need the dynamic duo. Until then, stay creeped. Bye-bye. You thought it was the dog licking your feet, but it was me.