Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 22: Dark Blessing

This is a HeadGum Podcast. uncle, aka Drunko Caldwell Tanner. And I am joined as always by my pugilant players, Brian Murphy. I've caught a cold from this mold, Jens Lindell. Or so we've been told by Emily Axford. Dressed to distress in her Adam Sandler best. But actually it's a flex because she looks like Billie Eilish. Whoa. It's Onyx Lumiere. I didn't realize we were writing poetry. That was like four stanzas. What the fuck am I going to do? I really debated whether or not I included that last rhyme, but I was like, when will I ever get to do this again? I really like the way that Onyx says Eilish, so it sounds like eyelash. Eilash. That was actually not Onyx saying it. That was me trying to make it rhyme with best. I'll take what I can get. Speaking of people that can take what they can get, we got Jake Hurwitz here. Having a blast with my new best friend, Glass Ass. Not having the ran for her. Bad name. Wow. Wow. Glass Ass. The best familiar name we've ever come up with in eight years of the show. We've peaked. We finally got there. And let me tell you, it's beautiful up here. Guys, before we enter our Glass Ass era, how about a quick recap? Let's do it. All righty. When last we met, you three had just arrived at Castle Ravenloft for your dinner with Strahd. Worried about being attacked, you three and Marina donned invisibility and also Hamburglar outfits. and snuck past the dining hall and into the chapel, leaving Esmeralda and Keychain to guard the exit. Once there, you found a secret chute that led to the castle's sprawling wine cellar. Jins poured himself a glass to take the edge off, but ended up taking damage instead because the barrel was full of poisonous yellow mold. Right. Classic fucking Wizards of the Wine. Probably shipped like that, honestly. They kind of suck at their job. What bottle of theirs isn't poison? Connoisseurs call that funky. a little bit of a funky taste. Oh, that's orange wine. Yes. Skin contact. In need of a place to lie down, you went to the servant's quarters where you found two sleeping zoominoids. After quickly murdering them, Jens and Nyack attempted to take a short rest but were interrupted by a bloodthirsty animated broom. Were we though? I don't remember that. It's unclear. I don't think that happened. Meanwhile, Onyx found her way into the Hall of Bones where she encountered the giant skull of Korvac, the mother of ravens. The deceased deity gave her information about the Amber Vault, which houses the dark presence that gave the vampire lord Strahd his power, and told her that it could be found beneath the tomb of Strahd's brother, Sergei. Korvac then gave Onyx a large egg, which she claimed would protect her from whatever it is that dwells inside the vault. After their chat, Onyx summoned Jyns, Nyak, and Marina to the bone hall for a short rest. While all this happened, Keychain and Esmeralda got to know each other better, and sparks of either romance or robot brain malfunction blazed into the misty air. After resting, you three decided to head to the dungeon in the hopes of finding Leamund and putting Nyack in his place, as the prophecy foretold. Once there, you battled a suit of magic animated armor, which was later revealed to be not magical, but in fact, just full of rats. With the armor defeated, you freed Leomund and learned that Strahd had been forcing him to make spell scrolls and magic items for him and his vampire spawn forces, most notably being the Hearts of Sorrow, gemstones enchanted with the power Strahd stole from you when you first came to Barovia. Leomund mentioned that the hearts could be removed from Strahd, but at great personal risk. He then thanked Nyack for watching over his monkey Piccolo, and as a thank you, helped Nyack transform his Lumpy Glass Monkey sculpture into a Lumpy Glass familiar capable of holding a spell inside of it. Yes. Nyack chose Counterspell for his new friend and also the name Glass Ass. Great name. Two great choices back to back, if you ask me. Lumpy Glass Monkey is such a better name. That's actually really good. Lumpy Monkey. That Lumpy Monkey. Yeah, it's great. Oh, I was thinking Loose Booty. But you were thinking different. And that's just how good the fucking name is. It just fits with everything. Anyway, it's glass-ass forever. Liam then teleported away to meet up with Esmeralda, and you three began heading towards the catacombs of Ravenloft in search of the Amber Vault. And that is where we are now. So, you are still in this dungeon cell. The air smells of wet bricks, and the sound of chittering rats dances on your eardrums in all directions. Is there anything else you'd like to do here or are you ready to head straight to the cribs? I think I'm ready. Yeah, unless there's, I mean, I guess I'll do a quick look around. Is there anyone else in here? Any other hamburgers? I did do a look around. You did a look around? I did a look around, yeah. Okay, Onix, did a look around. I guess we're good. I didn't even notice you did a look around. Yeah, I, okay. I just feel like it's showing a little you trust me that you think I didn't do a look around. Okay. She definitely looked, dude. All right. Onix looked around. Can I do a quick look around? Yeah. Roll a d6. Three. You do a quick look around. Use your shadow ability to turn invisible so no one can notice that you're just quickly sprinting past all of the jail cells. And you look through them. You don't see much, but in one of the jail cells, cloaked in shadow in the back corner of one of the rooms, you see a Blackford werewolf with long, pale scars crisscrossing his chest. He sniffs at the air, noticing someone there, but can't see you since you're invisible and says, who is it? Another minion here to torture me. Get it over with. No, it is your future wife. Onyx, who are you talking to? You said you had a look around You said you did a look around and then you disappeared And you were like really pissed off They were questioning you but then you just disappeared It felt like there was nothing Of note from the look around Okay because I was taking my time To give you my report I'm ready to give you my report There is a werewolf back here Oh are you the alpha You there your voices sound familiar From Vallaki At the abbey Were you there Yeah, that's his son is Chompo. You're right. Yes, Chompo. I am Kirill Stoyanovich. I turned myself into Strahd after our forces were defeated so that he would let Chompo and the rest go free. And I've been down here ever since. Okay, well, we're thinking about killing Strahd, so maybe we can work something out here. Do you want to bite him really hard? I could certainly bite him really hard. Okay. That's absolutely something I could do. Would you agree to your likeness being used in Spudfucker's promotional material? It's just, it's like we ask this of everyone. Right now we just have like a potato, but we're open to a werewolf. Okay. Universal license, by the way. Yeah. I think it'd be a really fun advertisement if you as a werewolf attacked a potato and instead of bleeding, it became a loaded potato. That's cool. I like that. Yeah. this potato will turn you into you'll you'll wolf out you'll wolf down these potatoes you know you might be ready for an internship yeah you'll wolf it down yeah wolf it wolf it down wolf it down down hound out wolf it down hound out okay i actually love this i love this direction we're going in we get tapped into sort of the alpha uh sort of thing that's happening online oh yeah loves that. Yeah. So I've been trying to get my fitness blog off the ground. Oh, didn't think that I could like launch by like talking about how good the potatoes are for your health. We could go in on, yeah, carb loading and whatnot. Carb maxing for, that's what we're doing now. Stuff your potatoes, stuff your body. There you go. Okay. I let them out. That's good. All right. Yeah. Kirill strides out. He looks a little weak. He's been in here for a while. Look, go into the bone room, take a short rest. Don't take a short rest in the servants quarters. Okay. Okay, I've got very good hearing, so maybe I'll just rest in there, and then when you need me, you can call me. Okay, that's great. What name should we call you by? I mean, my name is Kirill, but if you want like a code name. Can we call you Big Dog? Does that make sense? Big Dog. Oh, yeah. All right, yeah. We'll sing Who Let the Dogs Out. Oh, yeah, we'll sing. When we need you, but we'll call you Big Dog when we're hanging out. Who let Big Dog out? Yeah, and then you will kind of signify your coming by going, Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Easy, though. Okay. Sorry, just excited. I'm going to see my boy again. I'm going to start a potato block. That's right. Reverse that order, but yes. Upstairs, keychain's like, it's like they're always big dogging me in one way or another. I just don't know how. Wow, he's already talking about you. Okay, we're going to go down to the vault. Awesome, great. Wow, good roll on that shit. Well, you know, it's so important to look around. So important to look around. That's why we wanted to do it. Yeah, I narrow my eyes at Onyx. What the fuck is your problem? To be honest, I thought for a second we were in the bone room. We've been in here for like a while. We had a whole fight. Okay, some of us didn't get to take a nap. Okay, yeah, I kind of didn't either. Yeah, I barely took a nap. I was attacked by a broom. We think, maybe. We don't know. Maybe. I don't know. The more I think about it. There's no way of knowing. It just sounds so weird. Yeah. Well, at the very least, I had a bad dream then. Okay? So I slept badly. That makes sense. Okay. Actually, I really sympathize for that. So you need to hug. Your neck is at four to five degrees. Is it? You should know that. So you guys help Nyak fix his neck and then walk down a short set of steps to a large iron door marked with a skull. It appears to be unlocked. It appears to be unlocked. Okay. Keep it open. I stand back. Nyak, or actually, Marina, open the door. What? Tears well in Nyak's eyes. Onyx looks indignant, but it's just for show so that she can be on any one side she wants to be. Is this like a rite of passage thing? Yeah, for sure. Nyak, are you sure you're okay with this? Of course. Now you're on the bottom, and I'm as high up as I've ever been. This is acceptance, okay? You're at the bottom of the popular kid hierarchy. Okay, I'll investigate it real quick, just to be sure. Yeah, be sure to do a good job with the investigating. Marina is so bubbly and happy about being asked to do a task for Jens that she doesn't do a very thorough job inspecting the door and says, Okay, to the catacombs! and she opens it and as she does, you see two small hoses pop out of the eye sockets in the skull and spray acid everywhere. Everybody give me a dexterity saving throw. Wait, I'm standing back. That's why I fucking sent somebody ahead. Was everybody standing back? For sure. I think I would have been, yeah. Okay, okay. I think so. All right, then this is just for Marina. She's got to learn. She doesn't even see the hoses pop out because she's just like staring back at you, giving a thumbs up. Hoses, watch out. What? You're not being very thorough. Child by acid. She fails this, so she takes 15 points of poison damage. Oh, my God. Or acid damage. I whisper to Jens, Marina is better than a mechant. That's true. Yeah. Okay. This is interesting. Oh, gosh. Oh, jeez. That's tough. Are you okay? That really stings. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I used my healing on whatever Leoman's name was. You said it. This is crazy. You said it and thought, is my face red? It feels like your face is gone. The parts of it that are not peeling off are red. You look younger. Yeah, you do exfoliation. It's really important. Okay. I feel like in like three or four days when this finishes peeling, my skin is going to be glowing. It's going to be glowing for sure. Are the hoses still out? No, you see they retract. Quick spritz. And the door swings open. Definitely run in as soon as like Mario style. As soon as I see the threat, like finished up to take like a breath, I run. Wow. I push Marina out of the way to run. Watch out. Here come the quadruplets. Ha ha. Oh, it hurts to wink. It hurts to wink. So the heavy iron door creaks open, revealing a short stairway that descends into a cavernous room with arched ceilings supported by wide, hollow columns. Cobwebs hang limp in the musty air. A thick fog clings to the floor, which is covered in putrid waste. Ew. On each wall, you see rows of chiseled stone doors, all bearing a label. And to the left, right, and center, you see massive marble archways. One white, one black, one gold. Okay. Okay. Can we look at the labels on the doors? Is this a price tag? I'm dying to know how expensive this stuff is. Yeah. It'd be nice to be buried in a sort of cool room. Although the putrid waste on the ground isn't great. I'll be buried in a cool room. It's called the sea. Yeah, I thought you might say that. Oh, yeah. When do you want us to do that, by the way? Sooner rather than later. Why? Why? I'm so down. I don't want you to forget. I'm going to send you a head at the acid hoses. It's really nice, actually. I'm sure it will be. Marina's lips are just like chapped. Jins, it's very funny that you mention wanting to be buried here because as you explore these rooms, you do see three labeled Jins, Nyack, and Onyx. Okay. Well, that's creepy. I go into Jins' room. What? That's my room. Let's see if it's bigger than ours. Yeah. Does Jens have a nicer tomb than us? Jens. He better. What do you think Strahd would decorate your coffin to be like, or your tomb? I think he probably saw me jump into the Burgermaster's casket. So he probably thinks I like a similar casket. So exactly the same as the Burgermaster's casket. The finest versions of Ismark's clothes line the room. Several pictures of the potato mascot of Spudfuckers, but looking like super regal, like a Victorian painting. Like a marble carving of Spuddy the Kid or whatever his name was. Right. The only other detail I'll add is that your coffin is set atop of a large altar shaped like a stone Corvette. Whoa. Awesome. Onyx, what do you think your crypt looks like? Okay, so since Gerard knows I want to be buried at sea, I think that he makes my coffin look like a cruise ship. So it's like a mini novelty cruise ship. The lid opens the top of the cruise ship. And he also knows I play as a saxophone. So there's just so many saxophones around. and I think that maybe like the dressing inside the cruise ship coffin is like sea blue. Oh, wow. It's so nautical in here. I just don't, I don't buy it, honest. I don't, you're just not that into the sea. Yeah, because I've never been. Okay. I feel like she talked about it like four days ago and then hasn't really brought it up since. Or before, yeah. Marina, Marina, look me in the eye. Where have you been? Have you been around us the past couple of days? You know what? It's true. I wasn't there. Okay. Don't talk about what you don't have authority to talk about. Much like the broom, I don't know if it happened. Nayak, what about you? What's in your tomb? My tomb is decorated with like a mural of all of my favorite, like my life flashing before my eyes, the highlights of my life. Like Jen's giving me a half-hearted thumbs up. Jen's smiling weakly at me. Me giving Jen's a big hug and Jen's patting my back with just his left arm. And as I peek our head into it, I go, we probably don't have enough time to look at Nyack. You guys have to come. Oh, yeah. Okay. That's fine. That's fine. So you guys peruse these custom made tombs. I'm going to get into my coffin. Okay. I'm chilling mine too. Hey, everyone. Okay, so I think what's happening here. Now I know we skipped the dinner with Strahd. I creaked the door and poked my head up. What's up? All right, cool. So this is what Strahd wants, okay? Strahd was going to pitch to us that he was going to make us vampires, and he was going to give us these tombs in his house, okay? Sick. Okay. No, but we're big dogs, okay? Strahd is trying to big dog us. Does that make sense? When you call someone big dog, that's cool. That person is cool. But when someone tries to big dog you, that's not cool. Okay. Cause we're big dogs. Okay. And if you're a little dog, stay on the porch, but we're a big dog. We get off the porch. We run down the street. We chase cars. We bark at people. We bite people. Okay. Move over. And he wants us to be inside kept in these kennels, right? New, new core memory unlocked. Yeah. Janet's calling me big dog. Yeah. They don't have that on this mural. What do you think about that big dog? Life's better on the outside. I think. Look in that casket. You like the kennel? You like the kennel in there, big dog? Huh? Woof. No, sir. Woof. No, you don't. Okay. Honest, you like the kennel in there? Woof. No, sir. You're damn right, because you're a big dog. Marina. Woof, woof. Woof, woof. Okay. Yeah. Cool. You didn't really have a kennel, because you didn't have, like, your own tomb thing. Why are you barking, Marina? You don't need to bark. I thought that we were all barking. No, that's all right, because sometimes big dogs have friends, okay? And those are medium-sized dogs. You're a medium-sized dog, Marina. All right? I'm part of the pack. That's right. Sort of part of the pack. Right on. Woof woof. In the back. Okay. We're not going to let Stratt big dog us. We're going to big dog him. Let's go to this fucking gold area because that's where Sergei is. I fucking guarantee it. Woof woof. Want me to inspect it before we go in, brother? Absolutely. Out of my way, Marina. Okay. Ow, my shoulder. I barely touched it. He was in the way. You're right. I'm sorry. Totally was. Okay, lead the way, big dog Nayak recklessly pokes his head into the gold tomb So you pass under this golden archway Down another short flight of steps To a landing guarded by two golden statues The statues are built into the sides of either wall And from between them extends a blue curtain of opaque light Oh boy So statues, do you recognize them? Do they look like Strahd? Do they look like Tatiana? Do they look like Marina? Do they look like Sergei? They look kind of just like generic armor, but they do seem to be wearing, they wearing the crest of Ravenloft So you can imagine these are like modeled after the Royal Guards of the family Okay everybody Get ready We going to stand 20 feet back Get your weapons out Okay. Everyone all good? Everyone all ready? Yes. I'm prepared. I throw a rock at the armor. I could make it. I could make it. Okay. Throw me. Throw me, sword master. No, you're okay. You're good. Throw a rock. Throw a rock? Cool. I throw a rock. You throw a rock. It bounces off and lands harmlessly on the ground. Can I mage hand and fluff its hair? Fluff what's hair? The statue. It's a statue of a knight, but you can fluff its... It's got like a plume of feathers coming out of its helmet. You can fluff that. Fluff its plume. Okay, you fluff the plume. Try to grab its sword, tickle it under its arm. Yeah, tickle it. Onyx, as you touch it, you hear a voice say, as is spoken through a thick plate of armor, You may only enter here if the master of the castle wills it so. You mean Sergei? I think you know who I mean. Let's not be cute. Okay, so actually really smart. What's your name? You're awesome, dude. What's your name? You're a big dog. Wow, you mean that? I'm Franz. Franz? Hi Franz. Hey Franz. I think we could be friends. And you know, you're acting kind of like a little dog right now. Okay? I just told him he was a big dog, Jess. I know, and I know that because we know he's a big dog. We know he's a big dog deep down. You're acting like a little dog. I gotta be honest here. Strahd's big dogging you. I understand that. I hope Strahd my life. I will stand firm in place, blocking entry to this tomb for all eternity. Okay. Sorry, big dog. That's just how it is. Okay. Well, listen, little dog. Yip, yip. Yeah. Oh, you're yipping. Oh, you're going to keep on yipping? Okay. All right, Brog, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. I'm trying to attack the statue, I guess. Your weapon clangs off. But Jens, as you get closer to the statue, I will say, beyond the curtain, you do hear a ragged howling scream followed by a pounding of fists. Oh, shit. Okay. You know what? Dude, I'm going to dimension door inside. Dude. Can I dimension door in? Jens, why don't you go ahead and give me a arcana check. Okay. 19. Okay. With a 19, I'll say you kind of get close to this wall and feel this curtain of light. There's some high-powered magic baked into this thing. It is like a very powerful sort of dispelling effect that prevents anyone from entering by any means other than an invitation. Okay. Okay. So let's try another one. Okay. All right. And as you go back out, give me one more perception check to kind of get a lay of the land as far as what these archways are for. 14 for Nyak. Natural 20. Oh, okay. Not bad. There we go. Jens, I'll say with a natural 20, you take a much closer look at these archways, and you see kind of inscribed into each of them is the names of the occupants. It's kind of like hidden under layers of dust. But after you like wipe it off a little bit, you see that this is actually, the gold archway is the tomb of King Barov and Queen Ravinovia. The black archway is the tomb of Strahd and the white archway is the tomb of Sergei. Oh, okay. Sergei is where we need to go. So we'll try Sergei? Yeah. Yeah. Unless is there anything strategic to doing something to a vampire? I wonder, did Strahd lose his soul? And now we could get his soul to let us in the shrine? He probably knows what's going on with his coffin. We probably can't pull one over on his coffin. Okay, let's sprint down the white archway real quick to Sergei. So you head up the stairs away from Barov and Ravinov's tomb. As you do, Franz says, Okay, see you later, guys. You're not our friend, little dog. You're not our fucking Franz, dude. Oh, come on. I haven't talked to anyone in like 30 years. Yeah, no wonder. I know I'm a little dog. You blew it when you talked to us. I know I'm a little baby dog. Why do you think I got this job? It shows you don't socialize very much. Come on. Okay, little puppy. Did any movies come out? A lot. In 30 years? Literally so many fucking movies. Fuck, tell me about one. Okay, well, The Departed. What's that? DiCaprio fucking dies at the end, dude. Eat shit, dude. I still haven't seen that. The statues shake a little bit, and you see the other statue says, Shut up, France! As you walk away and towards the white archway, over this one, Jyns, you swipe the dust away and see that in an ornate font is the words Sergei Von Zarovich. And as you enter, a stillness, a calm amid the storm is felt here. In the center of the tomb, a white marble slab supports an intricately inlaid coffin. To the north, behind the coffin are three alcoves. Angels are on the left and right, and a stunning young man stands in the middle. A small breeze issues forth from the center. Well, okay. Small breeze means open to the outside. I go to the breeze. Give me an investigation check. Okay. Can someone help me? Yes, I give the help action. I take out binoculars. 19. With a 19, you inspect the angels and the statue in the center, and then you realize you can twist the angels' heads. You twist them both away so that they're facing away from Sergei. And when you do this, the central statue slides aside, revealing a ladder going upwards. And you get the sense that this is not a ladder into an amber vault, but perhaps a ladder to somewhere else in the castle. Okay. Does it look like there is any other way to go down? Yes, with a 19. I'll say, Jin, you also inspect the coffin in the center. Yeah, I'll crack it open. Just take a peek. Yeah, you know Strahd doesn't left those bones alone. Look how handsome Sergei is. I've got to see the body. Marina, why didn't you stay with this? Oh, well, it was another life, and I think we desperately wanted to. Oh, okay. Look at the statue. Do you think he's cute? I mean, yeah, like, check him out. It's like, maybe this is why I needed to get a facial. Right, yeah. You don't really want to see him right now. Yeah, your lower lip is gone. Those grow back though, right? Yeah, for sure. So yes, you go to this coffin and you very carefully, or not, I don't know, push the top of it off. And you see that inside of it is nothing. There's no body. It is an empty tomb. I'll hop in. Anything in there? Trick door. Or if you were to push it to the side, does it go down? As you're inspecting this, Onyx, you remember the words of Korvac saying, the Amber Vault won't open for anyone other than Strahd or the one who dwells inside. Oh, I disguise myself to look like Sergei. There you go. Hey, Sergei. I try to help sell it. Can we look? Yeah, I guess. Okay, so we got Sergey now. Do we want to just, like, real quick look up this ladder and see where it takes us without, like, going nuts? I'll take a peek. No! No! I stiff our marina. Wait, the competition is good. Actually, this time, marina. I think you deserve another chance. All right. She growls at Nyack. I'll hold the ladder at Nyack as shaking it. Seems pretty steady to me. Marina kicks your face as she climbs up. My jaw. So Marina climbs up and then you hear kind of a like thumping and then a slight. And then she climbs back down and says, so it's a trap door and it's underneath a rug. So I peeked up from the rug and I saw what looks like a study or something. There's a lot of books there. A study or something books. This is the. Did you look at all rug question mark? Was it a rug or not? You know what? Why don't you just go play with your monkey? Don't bring glass ass into this. He didn't do anything to you. All right. I'm looking at it. It's okay. Don't get worked up. I'm looking at the book of Strage. Would you two little dogs quit yapping at each other? Yeah, Marina. You're a little dog. The big dogs are thinking. I walk over to Anna. You're a freaking chihuahua, man. I pull out the book of Strage. Yeah. There is a study that's up in the throne room area, but we probably just want to go to the Sambra Vault, right? I mean, it's up to you. I'm currently looking like Sergei so I'm like so let's do the Amber Vault first that's how we'll get back upstairs and we'll take the stairs we'll take the ladder this episode of NADpod is brought to you by Squarespace Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online whether you're just starting out or scaling your business Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain and showcase your offerings with a professional website Get paid on time with on-brand invoices and online payments. Plus, streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. 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So Onyx, as you disguise yourself as Sergey, what do you do? I take some liberties to make myself so fucking hot and ripped. And just like huge outline of a package. Jesus. That's a big dog. You're taller than the statue. And you're hung. I don't know that Sergei was eight feet tall. And a foot long. Okay, yeah. That wouldn't be comfortable. It's actually my biggest curse, I'd say. Oh, okay, yeah. And then I think I say, open for me, Sergei. Hot dog. Marina sweats a little bit And as you say open for me, Sergei And you stand over this tomb With the visage of Sergei The floor of the coffin slides away Revealing a set of stairs Made entirely out of amber Okay, I'm just gonna run down We all run down We're all going down? Guys, I think this is it I think that's the amber vault Awesome, so you run down Can I do an inside check if it's the amber vault? I just, yeah. Another seven. Get up that rolling seven. It could be the bronze vault. Shit. It could be the mustard vault. Yeah, the colors are pretty close. Mustard is the color of your energy. As you descend down this golden amber staircase, you go deeper and deeper into the pillar stone of Ravenloft, eventually coming to a huge chamber seemingly carved from a single brick of amber. the walls are sculpted in strange geometric patterns like infinite pyramids rippling across a sea of gold. And as you enter the vault, you feel a dark presence probing your mind, trying to assess your worth. Everybody give me an intelligence saving throw. Oh boy. Seven. Nat one. Oh, three. Okay, Marina got a 15. Great. Everyone fails. Cool. Everyone would take 27 points of psychic damage. But as this wave of psychic energy washes over you, as you feel this dark form clawing at your mind, attempting to assess your worthiness to enter this place. Ah, I'm getting a migraine. The raven's egg starts to crack. You see all of this dark psychic energy swirling around it. It cracks more and more and more, absorbing all the damage you would take. And then from the egg, a tiny baby raven with a crown of silver flames emerges. I am reborn! Ha ha! Thank you! Onyx, you have helped me greatly. I cannot help you any further as you descend, but thank you. You are an ally to Raventine Is that you, Corvac? It is me! I am reborn! I am a baby! My god, that's so cute, you have a little crown You sure you don't want to hang out a bit more? You are so cute No, I must reestablish my dominion over this realm No, no, hang around I give Corvac some of Nyack's food I take out bird food Hey, that bird food is mine That's what I eat This is delicious, thank you Do you want to smash glass ass or something? yeah well you could meet glass please don't leave i just met you you're so cute get that thing away from me i have a throne that's been empty for 400 years i must return 400 years in a day who's gonna who's gonna notice what's the baby what is this you don't need a throne you need a high chair you need a high chair you're just a little baby i must feed i must feed on divine fish to grow and grow and grow you're just a little baby i must swallow my enemies i can get you define fish. I love how we're just, we're fussing over these sweet little familiars. Glassass and this cute raven. Who? Who's Glassass? Who's my best friend. It's okay, Glassass. Don't get worked up. It's hard for you to breathe. Anyway, come find me at Luna Lake. I will live there until I am big enough to travel the world back to the Feywild where I'm from. Okay, we will come see you. Please stay small. Stay small. That's the thing I hate about animals. They grow up. Yeah, stay cute, okay? I don't want this to be the last time I got to see you like this. Okay, just for you, I'll stay tiny. That's so cute. Okay, so we're in like a dead god's vault, or? Onyx weeps. She misses Korvac already. Baby Korvac flies away, and you find yourself. Onyx, Onyx, look at me. What's the point of anything? Onyx, okay? Because this is what happens, all right? Big dogs have puppies. So what do the puppies do? They go off and they become big dogs. They fly away. They fly away. Puppies fly away. That's right. They fly away from the roost, okay? Why do puppies have to fly? Why do puppies fly away? Because big dogs can't stay on the porch, Onyx, okay? All right? Puppies have to fly away so they can become big dogs. No, I don't want that. I don't want the puppy to become a big dog. Okay, but we're all big dogs, Onyx, okay? So we've got to be a big dog if we want to beat Strach. I go limp. You have to carry me. That's okay. I will carry her. I will carry her. All right, Marina, carry Onyx. She's dense. Thank you. You make your way into this small room, and on the far wall, you see the surprisingly well-preserved body of a handsome young man clad in shining silver armor. The corpse is sheathed behind a thick sleeve of amber, and its unopened eyes stare regretfully forward at a small stone altar upon which are set four black crystalline shapes. The shapes vibrate slightly and reflect an unseen galaxy of color. One is shaped like an eye, the other like a strand of hair, the third like a sliver of fingernail and the final one like a tooth. Okay. Unlike the others, however, the tooth is dull and unmoving. Well, the tooth one seems like a Marina thing. I mean, yeah, Marina eats a tooth. You can have the tooth one. Eat the tooth? Eat the tooth. I'll take the eye, I guess, over the fingernail. Yeah, let's do like a draft or something. Jens goes first. Do you see how they're vibrating? I don't know if we should touch these with our bare hands, let alone eat them. Yeah, well, you also didn't know if something was a rug before, so I don't really trust you that much. Does it look like they're tactile? Like we could take them out and put them into something else? Yes, they are large, but small enough that you could carry. But Onyx, as you go closer to inspect them, you hear a voice echoing in your mind. And it says, Wow, Onyx, you made it to the vault. You're killing it, babe. This is Ariana, by the way. just wanted to remind you quickly just grab the remnants of that unknown god that are down there and do not accept any of the deals from that dark presence that lingers within them okay okay even to good ones there are no good ones but if you want to accept one dark gift I think that would be okay we call that a finder's fee okay but anymore and you know we might have to renegotiate your contract I met your ex I met your ex she's a baby now She's so cute. Wow. I miss her already. She's a baby now? Yeah. She's a baby. She became a baby again. Oh, she's always doing that, you know? Okay, well. Okay, so I'm going to collect these then. Is there a reason why? Because I'm actually, it's crazy that you reached out because I'm actually looking at the remnants right now. Uh-huh. The tooth isn't doing anything. Yes. Oh, the tooth. The tooth has been drained of its power. That's the dark gift that Strahd chose. Oh. Okay, so these are kind of bad. But the eye one just looks cool. Wait, but how do we get... I thought that these were the remnants. Where do we get the remnants? These are the remnants. If you can collect them for me and bring them back, I'll have Bluetooth retrieve them once you're out of the castle. Okay, I'm going to die for the eye. What? Hey! Jen's called dibs. Do you want to... Both die for them? Yeah, we'll roll initiative or something. Okay. Nine. Fuck I got a six Okay I dove for the eye Great You dive for the eye As soon as you touch it you hear another voice in your head say Ah, more mortals come to seek my power. I am Yogg-Zedun, the Corpse Star. I offer these remnants of my body to you as gifts so that my dark will might live on through your deeds. Did you happen to have your eye on one in particular? The eye one? The fingernail. We just go for the... Okay. Yeah, but when he talked to me, I realized I could do whatever else I wanted. Yeah, okay. You look at the fingernail and it vibrates a little more. Oh, yes. One of my long nails. my body was nearly impenetrable take this nail and you can experience a sliver of my fortitude and behind the screen I'll say that taking this gift will give you 30 extra HP whoa but is there a way to collect it without accepting the dark gift yes you can collect them for Ariana without taking the gifts you can double bag them in like two garbage bags or something like that But Ariana has said that you can take one as a finder's fee, but any more, and that might be a breach of your contract. Okay, everyone try to suss out what they are, and then we can choose one of us to have one. I'll touch the hair. I'll look at the eye, yeah. Okay, you look at the eye, and the voice says, This eye can see beyond the grave. It will give you the power to revive someone other than yourself. Wow, this one's useless And Nayak, you touch the hair And it says My hair once grew thick With filth and pestilence Yeah, okay Super greasy Weird flex, but okay I am Logsadun the Corpse Star Yeah My name is Woe Okay Are you big dogging me right now? Yeah, I'll say woe to that. You big-dogging yourself, okay? The entire chamber trembles. Dude big-dogged himself. This is insane. How about this, though? It would allow you to cast Contagion once a day. How about that, big dog? Okay, 30 HP just seems so much better than any of these. Yeah, I think so. If we can only choose one, that shouldn't be the one. Okay. And what did the tooth do? That is the one claimed by Strahd. Its power has fled, but its dark will lives on. Okay So let's bag them all up and give Onyx this nail Right? The fingernail feels It feels good Can I put it on as like a press on? Whoa, it looks like a fish hook That's so good Onyx, you do that It is this like long black Crystalline nail As you go to put it on, it kind of like shrinks in size to fit Which finger are you putting it on? I think my left pointer finger Is that a Coke now? And I'm just pointing at everyone with it. So Onyx, you put this on, and as you do, you feel your body flush with power and fortitude. You have 30 extra hit points, but your body also becomes covered in thick scales. Oh my God. Don't look at me. I look worse than Marina. And a shell. You're a fucking turtle. This is a fucking turtle. You're closer to the sea. I'm closer to the sea. I think I wanted this all along. Jesus. Yes, all who look upon you shall know that my dark will lives on. Dude is a turtle with bad hair? He was a turtle the whole time. What have I done? I tried to take it off. I tried to take it off. It will not come off. It's honestly not that bad. I was already planning to be buried at sea soon. Just do it sooner. Okay. Oh, it looks, well, it looks better than my face. I'll say that. Okay, someone get me a big robe so I can hide my shell. I have a fucking shell now. Do you understand? Yeah, we'll find you a cave, I guess. It doesn't even look cute like a backpack kid. It looks like a fucking shell. I have my Hamburglar cape still. It's a black and yellow cape. I'll put it around your shell. Okay, please do. Does it look like, does it hide it? It looks like you have a huge back, yeah. You look like when the Ninja Turtles would go up above the sewers to get pizza. Yeah, like when Raphael fought Casey. You're right. I'm a Ninja Turtle. I'm a Ninja Turtle. I'm a Ninja Turtle. Okay, yeah. Okay, let's get this over with so that I can apparently go live in the sewer. Nyack is going to prison and I am going to the sewer. Okay. I can't believe it's come to this. Yeah. All right. Yeah. We'll figure it out. Maybe when we get back to Trinnyvale, this won't be a thing. James, you won't look at me. Yeah. No. Well, you know. You won't look at me. Look at me. No, I will. I will. I look past her. You look great. It's awesome. It has been wonderful doing business with you. Why is your name the Corpse Star if you're just a weird turtle? It should be the Tortoise Star. Why? I thought maybe you would be evil and cosmic. The turtles don't have hair. If they had hair, it would be weird, okay? You're a fucking Ninja Turtles OC. I'm known by many forms. This is not one of the many avatars I take. I designed it myself. Sorry, to be clear, now that I have a fucking shell, Does this mean that you can also tuck in my head whenever you want? See for yourself. You're a dick. You're a dick. You turned my friend into a turtle. Okay, I need to get drunk immediately. Okay, yeah, well, let's not drink anything here. Should we go up to the study, perhaps, and see if there's anything to drink there? Is Onyx going to fit? This shell is huge. It's a big shell. It's a ladder. It's barely noticeable, but it's really big. I think if we, like, wax it down, it should fit. It should be okay. I started to stay dressed as Adam Sandler and looking like Billie Eilish. And now I look like a reject ninja turtle. No, you're Shelly Eilish. Yeah, I'm Shelly Eilish. That makes sense. But wearing the loose-fitting clothing, we'll be good over the shell. Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's butter onyx up and let's go through the study rug. I... Onyx's eyes go, like, glassy with dissociation. Maybe Ariana can fix it if you defeat Strahd. I don't know. I don't know what power she holds. Maybe. I can't even shrug my shoulders without my shell hitting the back of my neck. Listen, we'll go to the spa after this. I'll get my face fixed. We'll wax your shell, get you looking good. Okay. Okay. Okay. yeah okay okay okay maybe i could just start collecting bumper stickers on my show like someone's guitar case and it would be a fashion statement i think you have to lean in uh-huh i'm gonna go check out the study so you grab the other remnants you've got them bagged up for ariana um and you head up this ladder onyx's shell scraping along the way eventually you do hit this little trap door Marina was describing, and you feel a thump-thump of a rug underneath, you fling the rug aside and find yourself in a room with a blazing hearth rolling with waves of red and amber light. The walls here are lined with ancient books and tomes, their leather covers well-oiled and preserved through careful use. In the center of the room is a large, low table, waxed and polished to a mirrored finish. Seated at the table is a hunched man with gray hair and thick spectacles. He scratches at an endless scroll of paper with a dry quill pen. Behind him, a huge painting hangs over the fireplace in a heavy gilded frame. On either side of the frame are two torches, their golden light illuminating the carefully rendered portrait of Sergei Vanzarich. There we go. Okay. Hey, buddy. Oh, my God. Sorry. Can I help you? Yeah, we're lost. Sorry. What's your name? Oh, I'm Leaf. Leaf Lipsiege. Leaf Lipsiege. Yep, I'm Strahd's accountant. Right on. We're here for the painting. The painting that's being sold. I walk over and I start jostling the painting. Check the books. We're to auction this bad boy off. It's going to fetch a pretty penny. I immediately start jostling the painting and trying to look underneath it. Oh, excuse me. No, that is priceless. You can't take that. No problem. I don't think it's up for sale. either if I can check my books real quick. I kill this guy. You run over to attack him, and as you do, he presses a button under the table. Everybody give me a dexterity saving throw. Nice. 26. Nice. 18. 16. Marina got a 16, too. You all pass. You see some of the spines of the books flip open and poison darts shoot out. Whoa. Oh, shit. Hey, don't try to big dog us. Shit. You guys are fast. You guys are really fast. We're big dogs. Please. Okay. And a big turtle, too. I find some dim light and go invisible. I've heard of box turtles before, but I've never heard of barks turtles. I'm sorry. Please don't kill me. Okay. I'll tell you anything you want. Great. Yeah. Perfect. Well, don't tell us shit. Just give us the painting, dude. What do you want the painting for? Well, we have to tie you up first. Okay. I'm already tied up. You see he holds up a manacle. He is chained to this desk. Oh, okay. Strutt's forcing you to do this. I wouldn't have killed you if I knew that. No, this sucks. My life is awful. Okay, great. Why'd you fire the darts at us, man? Why'd you fire the darts? I was told to fire the darts or I'd be killed. You were told? Okay. Well, you don't have to listen to everything. But big dogs don't get told. They do the telling. I'm not a big dog. You're acting like a little dog. I'm a tiny bob. Yeah. Are you yipping? You sound like you're yipping. All I hear is yipping over there. Okay. Well, we need to look under this painting. Okay, well. Yeah, I'll free you if you let us look under the painting. I don't think there's anything under the painting, but... Listen, are you looking for the secret treasure? Yes. Yeah, we were told about it. I don't know how to get in there. I am just the accountant. I'm not the treasure master. There hasn't been a treasure master here in like 400 years or so. I believe the last one fled from the castle, and he took the magic lantern with him that you need to open this vault. Oh, shit. I have the magic lantern. What? Yeah. I pull out the magic lantern. Are you the new treasure master? You're damn right I am. The new treasure master's a big dog. Woof, woof. Wow. Right this way, big dog. Don't step on the piss that I, a little dog, spilled everywhere. Okay, yeah. I step over the piss and pull out the lantern. That's a lot of piss, little dog. I had a big drink. You have a big dog bladder. So, yes, you walk over to the painting. Give me a perception check. Can I help with that by looking as well? Of course. Ooh, natural 20. Wow. Dude, with a natural 20, you hold this lantern up to the painting, and you see written on the painting, almost like in blacklight ink, is the phrase, when left becomes blue and right becomes green, the true treasure will then be seen. left becomes blue the torches on either side we have to change the color are there torches on either side of the picture? there are torches on either side of the picture below the picture is a roaring fireplace okay so let's light those torches does anyone have like prestigitation or something? let me see how do we make it blue? the candles are a different color right? your candle is currently blue but it used to be green you remember Madame Ava switched its color I have light, the light cantrip, and I can make light any color I desire. Ooh. Whoa. Great. And then I'll put the blue light on the other one. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Jyns, you use your lantern to turn one light blue on the left, and Onyx, you use your cantrip to turn the right torch green. And as you do this, you see the fire erupts into a plume of rainbow smoke, and then you see a secret passageway leading into a dark octagonal room. Okay, cool. So, just the treasures in there or more traps? Is some weird little guy going to be in there that's going to shoot darts at us like you, you fucking freak? Listen! Do you want someone to peek in, brother? Strahd said that I would get my big sippies if I shot darts at you and also he wouldn't kill me. So that's what I'm working with. Alright, great. Alright, Nyak, go in. Thank you. And Daya confidently strides up looking back at Marina. Awesome. Yeah, you step through this fireplace and into a large octagonal vault free of dust and cobwebs. The dome ceiling 40 feet above is painted black and sparkles with the display of stars in unfamiliar constellations. Barely contained within this vault is a square tower, 20 feet on a side and 30 feet high, with arrow slits on all sides and a battle-minted roof. You peer through the arrow slits, and inside you see a glittering horde of treasure that seems twice as big as the room you're standing in, but there is no means of entering. Okay. Start clawing at it. Do you want me to check for hoses again? Yeah. I want to have Marina do an investigation check. She got a seven. There's no door. I'll do an investigation check, too. Okay. I will too, because I'm known to look around. Five. I got a 17. Wow, yeah. Okay. I got a 22. With those rolls, you notice that there is like a small seam for a door, but there doesn't seem to be a doorknob or a latch or any means of opening it other than these small slits. Small slits. Do we have anything? I mean, you said arrow slits. Nayak, can you shoot arrows into these slits? Yeah, I guess I could. Nayak also has a crossbow. I'll just absentmindedly fire a crossbow into it. You fire a crossbow in and you hear it plink on a pile of gold coins, but nothing else happens. Oh, so you can go through. Can I misty step through? You can misty step, yeah. Okay, yeah. I'm going to look through and then misty step in. You misty step in and find yourself in a massive treasure vault littered with coins and items and more. And most importantly, you notice that the door opens from the inside. Oh. It swings wide. No, before I open it, I say, promise me that some of this goes to shell removal. Okay. Okay. Some of it, yeah. Sure. Like, no, no, no. Cheap shell removal. We cover the cost of my pristine shell removal. Pristine shell removal. I want like four weeks. Shell removal comes out of the gross. Then we divide it up after that. Okay, promise? Promise? I promise. Because the shell is gross. I open the door. Rina, that's your shell. So you open the door and you enter Leoman's Mighty Vault. It is a massive bank vault built into a much smaller tower. And inside you find a ton of treasure. 50,000 copper pieces 10,000 silver pieces 10,000 gold pieces 1,000 platinum pieces 15 assorted gems A plus 2 shield emblazoned with a stylized silver dragon that is the emblem of the order of the silver dragon It whispers warnings to its bearer granting a plus 2 bonus to initiative if the bearer isn't incapacitated It also contains an alchemy jug a ruby encrusted helm a rod of the pact keeper plus one oh my god four potions of greater healing yes dude and deeds and titles to all of dolter von holtz's real estate properties on lake zara i pocket the deeds yeah that's worth more than anything what is this gem helm i look at the gem helm god damn it i was hoping you wouldn't inspect that go ahead and take a look great this is the helm of blazing radiance it can cast wall of fire once a day it grants fire resistance it sheds light in a 30 foot emanation and most importantly you can use your action to cause the weapon to burst into flames and deal 1d6 fire damage extinguishing it with a bonus action whoa it matches blame tongue is real yeah alright I put the helm on you put the helm on and your sword bursts into flames so as you guys fill your pockets with as much treasure as you can carry. You get the sense you're probably going to need to come back to here after the deed is done. Sure. Yeah. You do see one last thing. You see a small table with a large board full of writings and drawings pinned to it. The writings are all listings of births in the various villages of Barovia, and the drawings are pictures of Sergei as a child and young adult. across the board written in blood you see the phrase he's never coming back oh oh wow okay he's been like reborn and strahd keeps getting rid of him or maybe he's trying to maybe he feels guilty about it and he's trying to see if his spirit is reincarnating but it hasn't Mm, yeah. All of these notes, they seem to be about children who have been born, but then Strahd is X-ing out descriptions. Oh, is he stopping him from being reincarnated? I think I get the sense that... Or always keeping track. Yeah. He was attempting to find him again, but maybe... Maybe that is the true nature of the curse. Guess he shouldn't have killed him. Is Mark anyone? Is Ismark in one? Yeah. Oh, look, there he is in the corner. is just like unrelated. There's like a little dis next to it. Oh, shit. Oh, he's just another shithead reborn. Okay. Does anyone want this shield? Because the shield is fucking sick, but I don't have, like, dual wielding is kind of my thing. Yeah, I use a big weapon. Yeah, I wield this blade. Yeah, I don't know. Can I wield it if I have a bow and arrow? I don't think so. Bow and arrows do hands. Oh, boy. I guess I could just not do my offhand attack and have this fucking sweet shield. It would be an honor to be wielded by you Oh no, the shield talks I will tell you if there's danger Hey, quit sucking up to him, that's my thing We can share secrets if you wish Okay No, I'll share secrets with him This guy's cool He's fine He doesn't need to know your secrets This guy's pretty fucking sweet So am I I have a fetish for when the toe is longer in the middle What? Oh What? Long middle toe, that's my thing What's your thing? I think that's fucking hot too I'm gonna wear the shield on my back Alright Wearing a gem helm from his vault Wearing the shield on my back Alright everyone let go to dinner I think I I think I as ready as I going to be It just so different than what we got here Are there any gowns in this vault Yeah, sure. I would say that this is like all of the hordes of treasure Strahd has collected over 400 years. Anything of value is here. There's other gems, too. You could just throw on multiple, ring on every finger. Right, but I'm trying to figure out how to make the shell work. Okay, yeah. So maybe I just put Christmas lights on it. We could cover it in rhinestones and gemstones. Rhinestones, gemstones, and Christmas lights. Yeah, they're glittering extra. Do shiny Moana style? Yeah. Shiny. Yes. My pockets are overflowing with land deeds. This has been a massive land grab for Naya. I will take Zepectives, a rod keeper. Oh. And maybe put it through my shell, kind of like a ninja turtle. Holy shit. And you said there were potions too, right? Greater healing. Yeah. Maybe you should take it now. I am pretty fucking hurt from getting hit by that armor. Yes. Hopefully, Keychain can make some more potions for us when we meet up with him, but it would be good to heal now. Yeah, why don't we all... The smallest of the dogs. Why don't we all keep one on us? Okay. Yes, that's good. Great. I might drink my greater healing right now. That's fine. Don't we have some potion that gives, like, flying? Yes. Oh, yeah, we have the haste one. Can I prepare an action for the second we roll initiative to take the potions or something like that? Okay. We obviously come from the upstairs. So you guys walk out of this treasury past Leaf, who says, Oh, looks like you found a pretty good haul there. Sure did. We'll be back for you if we kill Strahd. Okay, put in a good word for me. Won't. Yep, yep. You shouldn't have done the dart thing. Yes, that was such a not a good idea. Fine, I'll do a dart on me just to make it even. No, don't do that. No. All right, well, fine. He takes two damage from the dart. Okay. It lands right between his eyes. Wowee! That stinks. That could have been really bad. Yeah, that could have hit brain. Yeah. All right, we have a dinner to get to. Okay, enjoy. I'll be here, chained to a desk. Right on. Wait, as we walk, are there other things that we should be taking? Don't we have, say, silver bulbs and stuff like that? Protection from evil and good? Oh, yeah. Let's grease up our blades. Yeah, let's grease up our blades. You guys are out of the blade oil. You used it all in the Golthia Street Battle. Got you. You do have two dashes of spice left, and that works as a protection from evil and good spell. And the potion we have, is it haste and fly or just haste, one haste and one fly? It's haste and fly. Okay, so I would take it, but is there someone else that it makes sense? Why don't you do Haste and Fly, and then me and Nayak will take the secret herbs and spices. Okay, yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, that sounds good. Great. I just snort a line of herbs and spices. Woo! Now we're partying. I'll do a gummy. Nayak licks his finger and puts them on his teeth. So you guys get ready to party. You head out of the study and into a massive throne room. You see a broken glass window full of shards of stained glass that flashes brightly alongside the lightning from the storm outside. You see a large wooden throne facing this window. And towards the back of the room, you see the spiral staircase, which leads back down to the main floor and the dining hall. Let's do it. Okay. All right. You guys head down the stairs and back into the dining room. And as you arrive, you see the zombie bellhop issues you in and says, right this way. The expecting is mastering you. Oh, jeez. Wow. I might leave. I might head out. That was awful. Sorry, I think I'm in the wrong place. This is so unprofessional. I'm confused. Yeah. Oh, my God. The queen of all turtles. He bows. Yeah, bitch. That is exactly what I am. Don't look directly at her. Don't stare. Okay. If you come to the sewer, you kiss the ring. Kiss the bejeweled shell. I heard you're not supposed to kiss turtles because of disease. Why don't you try to find out? He goes prone. You walk past him and into this massive dining room and see that Strahd is still tirelessly playing the organ. Overhead, three enormous chandeliers shed light on a grand table laden with a variety of foods that have since grown cold But as you enter, the figure at the organ suddenly stops And as a deep silence falls over the dining hall It slowly turns towards you and smiles Welcome, friends, to my home and yours Welcome to Castle Ravenloft The vampire strides over to the dining table And gestures for you to join him You see Marina has already put her blindfold on Okay, yeah Please, it is so nice of you to join me It's so good to finally be here Good to get here Yeah, sorry, traffic was insane Yeah, I tried to sit down with the giant shield on my back Sorry we were late, but we just got here, and we got here as fast as we could. I think there was maybe an accident, like maybe some sort of horse carriage. The GPS says one thing and the other thing. I know. It's crazy. In the thunderstorms. I thought there was going to be valet, but the parking was kind of an issue, too. We ended up having to park. I think a lot of these GPSs, it's like as the crow flies. More like as the raven flies, raven moth. My brother. Yeah, let's have dinner. Anyways, I'm famished. You look good. You look very good. All of you. I'm sincerely complimenting. Really? Thank you. Anyway, as I said, it is very nice for you to join me. Especially you, Tatiana. As I mentioned, I have come to a realization. He gestures for you all to sit, and he sits as well. He picks up a glass of thick red wine and swirls it and says, The fiery drama you have brought to this land It entertains me greatly It has even touched the soul of my sweet Tatiana And made her even more beautiful I'm a big dog now Indeed you are As each day passes I find myself growing more enamored with you At first I was disgusted with myself How could I sully my love for Tatiana with his thoughts? He pauses, then gestures all around. But then I remembered. I am Count Strahd von Zarovich, the lord and keeper of this land. Everything I want, I shall have. I need not settle. And that is why, in addition to making Tatiana my bride, you three triplets shall be mine as well. Forever. Suddenly, the chandeliers chime loudly as six vampire spawn crawl out from their hiding places. I chug my potion like a vitamin shot. Sorry, vitamin D, it's so important. As they skitter down the walls, Strahd turns to you and raises a toast. Now please enjoy your dinner. And when you're done, meet me in the catacombs. I've prepared rooms for each of you. We know we've been there. Jens! He seems not to hear you and drinks his wine and lets out a long laugh. Have you ever wondered if maybe your brother isn't reincarnating because he won't stop harassing his ex-girlfriend? His laughter grows louder and louder, shriller and shriller, and you watch as Strahd melts away, revealing himself to be nothing more than an illusion here to distract you as the vampire spawn crawled down and doors shut throughout the castle. A fierce, bone-chilling wind rises up, roaring through the hall, putting out all open flames. You hear the screech of ancient hinges and the solid thud of heavy doors slamming one after another. As the laughter echoes through the chamber, you hear the tired groan of the door closest to you swinging shut, trapping you inside. But then, at the last minute, a metal paw pops into the room and blocks the door. Keeping it from closing. Keychain pushed the door open as Esmeralda and Leamund run into the room. Thank you for rescuing my master. We'll handle these vampires. You guys need to go find the real Strahd. I'm going to stay here too. I've been way too hung up on your approval, and I need to prove that I can stand on my own. It's time that this big dog got off the leash. Woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof. Keychain. Keychain hands you his last three potions, howls loudly, then pushes you out the door as they begin battling these vampire spawns. And you make your way towards the catacombs once more, where you know the true Strahd awaits you. And that's where we'll end our session. Here we go, baby. I knew we shouldn't have gone to dinner. I tricked you. We didn't even get to have apps. Yeah, so that would have just started out our night. You were right, Jen. Yeah, it is true. We can talk more about how this might have gone down differently on the short rest. If you want to listen to that short rest, you can go to patreon.com slash nadpod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. But please, please, I beg you, don't sing it. No, please, don't do it. Oh, I'm just a little dog. I'm pissing. I'm pissing. Folks, instead of pissing, how about we do some plug-in? Anyone got anything? Yes, we've got live shows coming up. Sydney, Australia. We're going to be at Sydney Opera House, March 16th. It's the only show we're doing in Australia, so get your tickets for that. We're also going to be at Radio City Music Hall in New York on April 10th. That's the only show we're doing in New York, so be on the lookout for that. NADpod.com slash live. Yes. Sweet. And you can follow us on social media that we may or may not use. That's huge versus me, at Call This Call The Wall, at your extras, Emily, and at Jake or it's Jake. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NADpod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, the youth of the nation We are, we are, the youth of the nation Thank you. Oh, hell yeah, folks. The end of the show has come, which means it's time to shout out our benevolent Council of Elders. Let's get right down to it. Brad D. Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord. Later McSkater. Matt M. Cutter W. Daniel G. Danielle the Dastardly Dame. Carpe Liam Victor T. A.K.A. Balnor's Boy Hoyt's Friend Justin I Danny Danster TJM Trey Lay The Cray Drowhe Now you have to say it Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Kobold Targat Stevie Wags Hellish Rebuker The NBDM PhD Jack L. Nicholas C. Star of every film ever made in Bohemia Mike H. Alka Smeltzer Plus Great Value Gemma Tyler F. Hercule Poirot, the rabbit folk detective Timmy R. Jake's Jerk Jelly Hashtag CCC Cass Skateboard Cass Steven C.'s Drunk Monk says Honor the Cork! Yes! Nick W. Nico, the underpaid English teacher William W. Big Bad Beardo the Mad Percival Frederickstein von Mussel Klesowski de Rolo III. J. Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock. Impressive Dongle. Ben A., Dave H., Not That Nick. Danny F., Hawkeye Pierce. Big Bad John, DPC is Awesome, Brand New Wife. Shun, the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zobaldar. Summer Rose, a.k.a. Grand Terre. Mark, the Dark Lord's Taint. Cat C. Misa of House Inzunza. Ariel, the occasional mermaid. Selina N. aka Felaciraptor. B. Perky always. Pat L. Lauren H. Serve 16. Annie the Feywild Therapist. Perugi Frenzy. Biocourt 7. Trub Hopdropper. Jack Hubert, King of the Mole People under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament. Valen. Paj the Bitchin' Bunny Bard Druidic Payton Carlin C Omri M Noah the Gentleman Fister Hashtag Honor the Cock James G Everything Bago The Eladrin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripey Reverend Chatterbones Han Eric B Marcos PhD Eventually Learns the Balance Druid Frida M Maggie Holly the Green, laughing hyena, Papa Bambino in Chino's, Bud Heavy, Russell H., Cody C., Lorelai the Succubi, and Kira the Succulent Snack, Ellen S., your friendly neighborhood yaunt and yuncle, Andrew and Sid, Fun in the Snow, now back to the show, Mr. Adams, James F., Wayfarer, now has to do something with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, Keep them, you know you gotta turn to page 69. Soft Lose, Uncertain Hand. Oreo. Barpo, Good Barrel, Bard, Barion. Charlie Brown's best friend. Renee, the monster captain. Olivia, the enchanting bard. And Jared, the soap opera cleric who are prepping an epic playlist for the final battle. Blue Ash. Fico. Jay. K-Guard. The Sugar Bum Fairies are out caroling Happy Hoglidays. Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie wearing barbarian. Lexi H, MJ the BFG. Roger L, Nodrog, the pass off fist barbarian. Brian L and Eric B, two running buds. Jean-Luc Leon Kumori, legendary hero of Bohemia from a future campaign. Shenanigans O'Connor Meos The Great Joshua S Alexander Linz W Sky the Wise and former Lone Dungeon Master The Spudfucker himself Johnny Dudekay The Mischief of Nebots Familiars Jakewell Murphily Tim M Dragon Knight 86 Richard Scrangle The Main Event TR MLG Cheetos Shell B, Kenna's first fave Sprite Girl. Surprise round battle of the brands. Spudfuckers versus Parm Charm. Who comes out on top? Spudfuckers has my heart and also a controlling share of the profits. So I got to go with the spud. Jet S, Snailess, the Eldritch Snail. French Toast is my wife, Jake. How could you? Stormy 52. Me maskaties. Megan N. Anthony B. Balnor's best friend Steve. Stephanie of House in Zumza. Benjamin A. Gimli the Corgi, Papa, and Foster's canine friend. Mikkel A. Triple S tier Crickwater enjoyer. Josh Hull, pilot of the Nightmareverse flight. The two crew blew through. Ethan the Mailman. Maple the Shy Bookworm. Nick A.J. Ashasaurus. Seth the Stroker. bearer of all hog-related burdens. Billy Batson. Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, warily watching the warehouse of wily wildwater wardens. Michael L.S. II. Carl B., plumber of the realm. Ace Dregs, high lord of Critsburg. Vin, diagram. DM Charby, Cadmilius the Consumed. Cam, the froglidae's man. Dean, Jake W., Hi, Mom. Tuesday Cross, only here for the surf and murph. We love you, Rat Jesus. S'mores. Tyler McKim. G.A. Dog. Zibbidabackery. Kaylee. Katerina C. Carly C. Totally, definitely not the Grinch. KCJ. Pawpaw's litigation associate. Greg W. There's so many of us now, but hey, you're doing great, and we love you. Baruch Thunderhelm. fifth generation minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide. Chupacabri. Cappy B of the schooner Louis R. French. Boney is dead. The Waterworth, your four-legged Greg companion. Nick, the raging ranger Echo Ashmore. AEG-15 Kunari, watch me kickflip my mech. Holy shit, that Gundam did a 1080. Not a DJ, but we'll still take the gig. DJ Dramamine, Chef Julie B., Mama Mayhem, the moderately touted, Gin's Rules, Kinda, Thomas C., Little Dark Lotus Creations, Kendra Miller, Joshua H., Jacob M., Lou H., AJD, Ben V., Prince Lagathor III., Shinka Kitsune, or Skylar, the only male Kitsune in Bohemia, Lainey S. Toxic Ghost and Daniel M. Woo! That is all of our elders, folks. Thank you so, so much for your continued support. If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash nadpod. That is going to do it for us today, but we'll be back here again next week with the finale of Strahd, so get excited. Thanks so much for listening. It's been a pleasure. We'll see you then. Bye-bye. that was a hate gum podcast