David Letterman | Xi Loves Me

-♪ The New York Times theme music plays -♪ Welcome to The Late Show, everybody. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Thanks. -♪ Thank you, Stephen Colbert. -♪ You're welcome. Donald Trump. Donald Trump is in Beijing for his big diplomatic visit to China. Or as we're calling it, nothing. We only... We only got five shows left. We can't start doing new segments. Uh, day one, or possibly two, of the visit kicked off yesterday, by which I mean this morning, that in China is tomorrow. The leaders greeted each other with an inspiring display of hyper-masculine hand dominance. Okay, moving in. Normal shake. Little hand pat. Okay, that seems like enough. If you love something, let it go. Okay. No, you... a hand pat again. And... and... land... break. There you go. Whoo! I'm ex... I'm exhausted. Just watch this. I know, right? Xi better be careful. If he touches Trump for too long, he might catch a case of five-day-old banana hand. China treated... It's upsetting, isn't it? Then... China treated our president to the kind of Vegas dictator pomp and pageantry Ras哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎 President and she I want to thank you very much. First of all that was an honor like few have ever seen before and I think I was particularly impressed by those children they were happy they were beautiful but those children were amazing. Dad! Dad! I can jump too dad! Dad! Be amazing me dad! I'm ready to be happy and beautiful and he's gone. Yeah. But there's one thing. Oh thank you. No you. But there's one thing there is one thing that Trump loves more than those kids and that's Xi Jinping. You're a great leader I say it to everybody you're a great leader sometimes people don't like me saying it but I say it anyway because it's true I only say the truth. Congratulations I only say the truth was Donald Trump's one billionth lie. Johnny tell him what he's won. Nothing not even a dinette said from Roy Hill. Roy Hill suck it Donny. I'm outta here Steve. Oh no I've had a horrible accident. Call 911 I crashed into a Roy Hill. Roy Hill. Back to you Steve. President Xi also gave some initial remarks where he posed this question. Can China and the United States overcome the Thucydides trap? Oh come on President Xi I'm pretty sure Donald Trump doesn't know what the Thucydides trap is unlike the rest of us because obviously we know what traps are and then you just add to that everything you know about Thucydides which I believe is a new prescription ointment to treat moderate to severe plexoriasis. All the news teams are on the ground in China to cover this epic and historic summit all except one because our CBS news colleague Tony de Coppall is being forced to broadcast from Taiwan after failing to get a Chinese visa in time. Well that is disappointing but it does fit in with their slogan CBS news when events happen we're at most one country away. Some news networks did somehow manage to be in the place that they were covering like ABC's Dave Muir who stopped by Beijing this conference to learn more about robotics and AI. You've taught the robot how to bow but you think that's just the beginning. Yes they tell us proud to show us this. Through artificial intelligence you've trained the robot to be able to lay down and then get back up. They program these robots with data on human movement this robot weighs 121 pounds laying completely down. Hey that robot took the job I'm starting on May 22nd. That robot can do more than just nothing. It's designed to do household tasks as well which Muir explained. You're convinced this robot is going to be able to do chores in the family home. The waist. Yeah it's all in the hips. Now that may not look like much but that robot is actually doing the important household chore of a husband annoying his exhausted wife. Hey babe I know my mom will be here any second I still haven't fixed the fire alarm and the shower is dirty but watch this. Babe hey. Hey babe look babe. Babe. Babe. I'm Shakira babe. Babe. You know what after that I could use a good lie down. Fox News sent their cyborg prototype Brett Bair to China. Here he is being fascinated by a self-service robot. This is the first of its kind for this kind of interaction. If you want to order something hello can I get a sausage please. Wow. We have finally achieved the dystopian future that was warned about in the Terminator. I'll be brought. Of course I would like a sausage please. Of course that's what it looks like when you order during the day if you order at night it's a little different. Hello can I get a sausage please. Okay. Whoa whoa. Family show loose. During the summit the White House announced that Trump and Xi agree that the Strait of Hormuz must stay open. Well thank goodness because the blockade is affecting something we all hold dear and that is snacks. You see due to reduced supply of petroleum around the globe which is needed to make certain colored inks a Japanese snack giant must resort to black and white bags of potato chips. You fools. You have angered the snack giant and I'm being told we have a photo of it terrorizing Tokyo. That is one big big as one big little Debbie the affected the affected brand is called Calbee and it makes potato chips and the flavors beef consomme seaweed salt and shrimp. You know their slogan once you pop it is shrimp. Let's take a look. Let's take a look at how they were forced to redesign. Here's the original bag bright colors bold text and a bossy little potato mare spuds planning to the citizens of Tater Town normal snack stuff compare that to the new bag. Okay. That is a snack in the grip of an existential crisis. Salty like the taste of my tears with every bite I move one crunch closer to the grave also available in flaming hot chili pineal. Things are also a mess over. Oh yeah. Thank you primarily an actor primarily an actor at this point. Things are also a mess of the food and drug administration because Trump just appointed a new acting head of the FDA an obscure Florida lawyer named Kyle Diamantes. Okay. That's three strikes right off the bean. He's not a doctor. He's obscure and his name Kyle. I don't want Kyle running the FDA. At most I want a Kyle to run me a stand up paddle board. Kyle is replacing a former FDA head Marty McCary who was fired earlier this month after the president scolded him for not approving fruit flavored vapes. Yeah. Get out of here you loser. Yeah. Lung hugger. The FDA is cool now. We can smoke fruity vapes. We don't have to get any stupid shots and our new gym teacher lets us work out in the sauna with Kid Rock. We got a great show for you tonight. My guest is David Letterman. Hey everybody. Ladies and gentlemen. Folks, my guest created the late show and it gives me great pleasure to say please join me in welcoming back David Letterman. There you go. Wow. Did they did they? Did they legalize crack? Is that what happened there? I think so. Dave, it's great to see you again. How about calling the band, ladies and gentlemen? They've come a long way. Why is it so cold in here? Why do you keep this theater so cold? So your beard won't make you sweat, Dave. Thank you very much. I don't know. I came very close to being teary about that. So thank you everybody. Thank you. You know what happened backstage? I'm standing backstage. A guy comes over and he says he's from CBS and then he fired me. I'm sorry. He caught us straight. He caught us straight. He's going over there. I will say and I have every right to be pissed off. So I'll just I'll be pissed off here a little bit because this theater you folks wouldn't be in this theater if it weren't for me and Stephen wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. And we rebuilt this theater and then Stephen came in and look at this. It's like the Bellagio. But listen as we as we are nothing's wrong Dave as we as we all understand you can take a man's show you can't take a man's voice so that's the good news. That's the good news. Thank you. Cheers. Cheers. There you go. Well that's very kind of you Dave. You know what I'm really worried about. What? What I'm really worried about is what will become of the Jimmy's. I don't know. Are they going to be all right? We're we've got a plan to put them in a captive breeding program. Wow. I don't think I've ever heard that phrase. Oh yeah. I like that. Pretty good. Yes sir. Well listen I'd love to hear about you. How have things been? I understand you've got a new addition to the fam. Well he's talking about a dog I hope you know what I'm saying. I got a couple of things right here. Yeah you got to be careful because we have a child who's graduating from college so he's a full grown child. Yeah. And what he doesn't get a standing ovation. Come on. You have to be careful because I don't know about you but being a we have the one child and we spoiled the kid. I can remember when he was six years old one Christmas we got him a German shepherd and things don't take anything for granted. It turned out it was not a dog. It was just an old German guy who was a shepherd. My God that's a true story as well. Tell me about this fellow right here. Oh this is a lot of attitude. Yeah. He's this was his first Uber ride. And he went in the far corner on the right hand side. The thing that I love about this I took this picture over my shoulder. I just never saw a dog use an elbow quite like that. Yeah. Very advanced over here. Yeah. When you know Brick drinks right over here. Yeah. That was the now this was a little older. OK. Yeah. This is this is killer. This was day one at the house and there's nothing goofy about this picture other than it happened. He crawled up my right arm and found himself right behind my head and and I'm watching the Wheel of Fortune. And I want to tell you I don't know what they've done to say Jack but he looks completely different. Yeah. Yeah. And we're trying to guess the puzzle. You know how you have to guess the word puzzle of Wheel of Fortune. Yeah. Yeah. But I remember it was who gives a I like this one. I like this one. I made that up. I like this one a lot. This is my absolute favorite. This is early on. And as you may remember we had a bit of a brutal winter here and this was taken by my colleague Mary Barkley. I had no idea the photo was being taken. I found out later the dog knew all about it. I like the caption. The caption is yes. And it couldn't be more true. Old man. New dog. And yeah. Yeah. And in the beginning he's a bit of a runt. And so because he was runty and imperfect I was withholding love. You got to. You got to. Take a murn it. Exactly right. But then I got I got over it and his name is Doc by the way and we love him dearly. So he's been a great addition. Thank you for giving him a little wonderful. Yeah. Well now that you're and I feel like I've lost your attention a little bit Dave I feel like you take your time looking to buy a new Buick. What are you. That's right. I'm always in the market for a new Buick. Did you see something over there interest you over there. Is this the last show by the way. I was told it was the last show. It is the last show of this week. Next week is the last show. Oh so I'll come back. Of course you're welcome. You're welcome anytime. Why don't you stop by Friday. That's mean. What you're so mean. Oh. But now is the will the pope be here. The pope. I'm still anglin for the pope. I still I listen. I'm about Catholic. I've talked about it on TV. I think that's got to earn me some points. Yeah. Absolutely. Vatican works on a point system. Any time you talk about someone TV you ought to be right in there buddy. You would have your own office in Vatican City. You're talking about it on TV. I'm a good book. You never had the pope. Did you. Six seven times. Wow. J.P. too. Well we always I get a kick out of bringing the big hat now but seriously. But all of this is fantastic. This is not hotel stuff. This is beautiful. All custom made. All custom made Dave. Really expensive. It looks like from is this from Wayne and Schuster. Is that where this comes from. Yes. It's from Sacco and Vanzetti's. It fell off a van. Who owns this stuff. And what do you have. It's all. This is an Eams like a very expensive probably $1,500. Eams I always thought it was pronounced Eams. I don't know man. E A M E S. I don't know. You're fancier than I am. But that's certainly not true. OK. No but all this was custom made by when we when we renovated. Who owns it is what I'm driving. This is CBS property. All belongs to the Paramount CBS Corporation. Now wait a minute. Are they affiliated with Sky Dance. Yes. I believe we are all Sky Dancers now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is nice to be ashamed of something happening. It would be. It would be ashamed. It would be. Gene. We're talking about Gene. Gene and Chris. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hi guys. Welcome back. What is what's happening here Dave. You know you know what to do. You know. Oh hi. Thank you very much. Let me let me know. Let me know when you're all set. Yeah. Sounds. Dave you are. You have. I have started a cult. I couldn't be happier. That's a bit of a chat. Where we would like to sit now Dave. Yeah. Can we go down here. Have you ever been down. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Cash. I'm going to hot dog. Thank you. Thank you. Hi. How are you. What's your name. Nevada. I'm sorry. Nevada Nevada. Nevada. That's unusual. You know there's a state named Nevada. And how do you come by that name. My uncle was a gambling addict. Well. Well I think that might be a good time to go to commercial. Dave. I knew there'd be a cute story. We'll be right back with more David Letterman everybody. I've heard my whole life that she ended at the Margarita. And then we're going to investigate those stories and find out how much of it is true. He gets a patent one month before the Wright Brothers. Oh my God. Please follow and listen to Family Lore an Odyssey podcast available now on Apple Podcasts Spotify or wherever you get your shows. Family Lore. Hey everybody. We're back. Dave Letterman please have a seat everybody. Thank you. Hi. How's it going. This is nice. You know this is a. I'll just say it right now. The last thing we would want to do is be out here with real people. These are all actors. Yes. I tell you a true story. When we took over for the theater we these seats have kind of all busted out. They hadn't replaced in a long time. We replaced all of the seats. They had been 19 inches wide. But we no longer felt that fit the American ass. We went to 24 inches wide. We call them the high fructose seats. I see. So what you're saying is everyone here tonight has had their ass measure. Yes. And wanded and wanded. Well I'm not used to sitting out here in the audience. It's great. I'm loving every minute of it. I'm so glad. We're loving having you Dave. I'm just curious. I'm curious. Maybe someday in the future I'll come back to this theater. Now that you've returned to it any memories coming back to you. Well the memories are infinite coming back here more so this time that I was on. You were nice enough to invite me on a couple of years ago. That was a big emotion packed moment as well. The memories now because this thing has come to a screeching halt by other hands. And I guess the connection to my mother through the late show. She and I had a. Well you know what mothers are like. Right. And I think my mother and I only really finally became close when she was part of the late show production. And we sent her to Norway. That's right. And people to this day like that fellow that misguided man back there always tell me they loved my mother more than they did me on the show. She still pisses me off. And I think the reason we were not so close earlier in our lives is because she was named American Miss American Tassiter 90 years in a row. Here's a conversation that I used to have with my mother. David. That's not funny. We sent her to Norway and when she got back I said mom did you see any of the fjords. Yes they were beautiful. Yes and then I said well what about Chevy's did you see any Chevy's. There's a memorable all telling conversation and I don't want you to read into this all negativity because I'm sure it was good fun. I get a call at the house my wife and I are it's a Saturday and we're making Saturday evening dinner. The phone rings it's Hello David. It's mom. Oh hi mom what can I do for it. Well we finished our estate planning and you're not in the will. It's like that a little bit but I'm fine now. You know I really loved when your mom was on the show I love the reveal of the pies for Thanksgiving right. Everything right. Everything's wonderful so much though I actually have a copy of your mom's cookbook right here. Can we get Sarah Valkomerson is the producer. I think he met her. Yes I believe we have Sarah Valkomerson wonderful Sarah Valkomerson everybody. Thank you very much. I want to show the people at home the cookbook that's Dave's mom's can we get a shot of that please Yvonne there you go Dave's mom's cookbook. I was wondering whether you'd be willing to sign on behalf of your mother. Is it to you or to Sarah. How about Sarah. How do you spell that. S A R A. OK. S A R A. OK. Sarah not Sarah it's Sarah. OK. It's a problem for all of us. What. It's a problem for all of us. Is that what you said. Dave I'm sorry there's a young man who wants your attention. We're all set for you let's go. Oh we have to go. OK let's go. All right. What is what's happening. Hey Dave. Follow me. Hey Dave. If we're going to go out would you before we go would you mind. Oh yeah. Throw in a commercial. OK the late show with Stephen Colbert will continue with Dave Letterman right after this. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing if you want to see more of me come to the Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. When beloved family patriarch Gary Ferris went missing his family looked everywhere on their property until they came across something horrifying. It's a homicide. Absolutely. The blame game in this family went round and round. This is blood is thicker the Ferris wheel. I would don't see how anyone can look at this story and think they were happy. Binge the full series blood is thicker the Ferris wheel on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.