Ep. 43: Shame on Me

Kick your shoes on the floor, leave your worries at my door. Can we laugh for a while and make me smile? For the next few minutes, let's take a break from the craziness of our world. Let's make this place, this moment, a refuge where we feel safe to laugh, smile, listen to great music, and learn. Let's come together to discover forgotten simple ways to change our world in 15 seconds or less a day, and in doing so, remind each other of what it means to be human. Welcome to Make Me Smile. I'm Missed, your host. I'm a singer-songwriter and not a health professional. But like you, I want to be a part of something bigger and better. Let's build a family and a vision of the future that looks happier, more fulfilling, and more meaningful. Let's learn to smile again. When I was about six years old, my cousin was given some clothing. My aunt, his mom, decided to pass it on to me. I was excited to receive it and wear it, so I put it on immediately and showed it off to my grandmother, who got very agitated. She started yelling at me and saying things like, Do you have to wear that right now? You should save it for a special occasion. She wouldn't stop until I took it off. I felt like I was a bad person for trying to enjoy something brand new. I now understand why my grandmother acted the way she did, but at the time, all I did was feel bad about myself. I felt like I didn't deserve anything nice or new. To this day, I remember the shame I felt and the burning cheeks, and it makes me cringe thinking about it even 30 years later. That feeling of shame was emphasized over and over throughout my childhood. Shame was used by my education system to push me to do better. All of our grades were public knowledge. If you didn't do well or were at the bottom of the class, you were viewed as useless. Every year, a student would commit suicide due to the pressure and shame of not performing as well as expected by their family or the system. Shame was supposed to push me and the others to become better, to become the best, world best, and in some ways it did as intended. We were pushed to study hard, 18 hours a day. No play, no fun, no breaks. Our families would sacrifice everything they had so that we had the best tutors, the best schools, so that we could become the best. Some in my schools achieved that goal. But I look back now at them and myself. And I have to ask, what for? It made me miserable. I lost all joy. I was constantly stressed and felt bad about myself if I did anything less than perfect. In the end, I got my degree, then left the country because I needed a fresh start without all the pressure. Despite leaving, I still carried the shame around with me. I didn't know if I would ever be happy or if I even deserved to be I was raised an atheist, but I always knew there was something out there After I was in Canada for a few years, I discovered a belief in God and became a Christian I'm so grateful for the knowledge and hope that it gives me but the shame still followed me. I still felt deep inside that if I wasn't outwardly the best, I was worthless. Shame drove me to always say yes, even when I was exhausted and should have said no, I just can't. I felt if I said no, then I would be confirming what I already felt. that I did not measure up as a productive, useful, and contributing adult. In contemplating this difficult topic, I was confused about the difference between shame and guilt. But the difference is vast and important. Guilt says in essence, I did something bad, something I shouldn't have. We feel that when we hurt someone else or do something unethical like steal or lie, our conscience pricks us and says, you shouldn't have done that. But shame, shame is deeper. It in essence says, I am bad. Not that I did something bad, but that me as a person is worthless, has no value and thus is bad at its core. We can feel guilty without anyone else telling us we did something wrong. Our conscience tells us that stealing and lying, hurting others, is wrong. Shame, however, is not something we feel in a vacuum. Shame has to be put on us by someone else. Others make us feel bad about ourselves by the way they talk to us, by the way society interacts with us. In thinking about this, women in general have almost an ingrained tendency to feel shame because of the way we have always been relegated to less than human. We have been property, disposable, unclean. In many countries throughout history, female babies have been wantonly killed, tens of millions or hundreds of millions of them. We have been told that our only use is to procreate or for the pleasure of men. Those thousands of years of global indoctrination cannot help but affect our psyche. If you are told like my aunt was, that her life is worth less than her brother's, my father, and that you will be allowed to starve to death so he can live, and if you see female children constantly killed or abandoned by their own parents, you can't help but question your worth as a female. Am I bad just because I am not a male? That ingrained thought was something I was raised on. I was presented only one way out of that feeling, showing that I was the best at something. math, physics, science if I could achieve world-class success in those fields then I could finally be worth something so I was told but of course, even achieving those outward things does little to change the internal nagging doubt when the shame we bear inside us is constantly reminding us we're not worth anything more than the duties that we perform. Women are not the only people whom as a class have been told they are worth less. Societies and cultures have done the same thing based on skin color. Darker has been often viewed as shamed or even cursed. In India, to this day, the caste system, while illegal, is felt throughout the society. Levels of education have been created to divide us into groups. We even call advanced degrees higher education. What does that even mean then, if someone doesn't have higher education, they are lower by definition. Careers also dictate our value. In many countries, a janitor is not regarded the same as titan of business, though the janitor may be a kind, loving, and wonderful husband and father. His job means he is looked on as a less valuable human, worth less than others. Being told that over and over will have an impact on that person. Today we have jokes about job titles because certain jobs are not given much respect. So a person who works picking up garbage can be called a sanitary engineer because the term garbage worker is viewed as less than an engineer But you see what we doing when we do that We are shaming the person in that so-called lowly job. We're saying they shouldn't even mention what they really do for work because it should be embarrassing. The other day, someone was talking about how successful a mutual friend was. The term success was used to identify the money and businesses that this person possessed. But what does money and job prestige have to do with being successful as a human? Why do we ask famous and rich people for life advice? Being successful in business or famous has nothing to do with what kind of person they are. It might be the opposite. Doesn't success really come from how we touch other people's lives and the good that we do in this world? But we use terms such as successful to identify whether a person is worth less or more than someone else. And we shame those who are not successful in a secular definition by treating them differently. I go back to the definition of shame. Shame says, I am bad. Not I did something bad or I wasn't successful. But in this world, in the world I grew up, a person without secular success is seen as having less value. In all those doomsday movies where humanity is at the brink of extinction, there is always a list of people that are too important to die. the scientist, the business and political leaders, the famous. But what about the mother who raised two amazing children, helps out all her neighbors, is always kind and loving and upbuilding to everyone she meets? Isn't she really of the same or higher value from a saving humanity view? If we are saving humanity, what makes us human is not our knowledge or our money or power or fame. It is the human qualities that we allow to shine upon others. Being loving, being kind, smiling, being generous and upbuilding with our words. Those are human qualities that are of true value. In the end, when humanity is at the brink, a place where many today feel we're at, there really is only one way out of the mess. There is only one solution and it is not to hit back, to take everything and hoard it. it is not to think everyone is an enemy. When humanity is about to be lost, there is only one thing that will save it. Love. As simple as that sounds. If we allow it, love can heal. It can give hope. It can reunite and forgive and rebuild. Mauro Malavazzi, who produced and wrote Andrea Bocelli's Romanza album, sent me a piano tune and told me what he wanted the song to be about. He and I wrote, Love Will Show Us The Way, because Mauro and I both believe that the only way out of this world's mess and the shame we carry is through love. Here is Love Will Show Us The Way, which is the lead single for my 2026 The Love Project. I hope you enjoy it. You and I stand here like so many before What are we looking for? There must be something more Is there a light to show the way We need to find our way home Let me open the door Take my hand Stay a while Love will lead us Love will help us Love will show us the way Love can teach us Love can heal us Love will show us our way Look all around you When the clouds surround you It feels like the sun has gone, like everything has gone wrong. Where is the light to show the way? We need to find our way home. Help me open the door. Take my hand, stay a while Love will lead us, love will help us Love will show us the way Love can teach us, love can heal us Love will show us our way There are so many voices Calling out for a reason To believe that this matters for us Tell them they're not alone Love is the answer She'll lead us back home I truly believe that only love is powerful enough to heal the world. The solution is definitely not shame. What is the opposite of shame? Brene Brown says that it is empathy and self-compassion. Her belief is that shame can be defeated if we have empathy toward others and we have compassion for ourselves and our mistakes. Self-compassion would mean that we are not bad or to be viewed as lesser humans even if we have been told that our whole lives. Empathy and compassion are beautiful emotions that can really help others and ourselves heal. But I think that the most powerful antidote for shame is love. As my song said, love can teach us. Love can heal us. Love will show us our way. Shame is built on the fact that we feel that we're bad, we're worthless. Love says that we're not. that each and every one of us are capable of the most powerful and unique act among any creature ever created. As humans, no matter the gender, no matter the color or disability, no matter the education or wealth or fame, we all have the ability to show and receive love. and if a person feels unfailingly loved, the shame goes away. I know this for a fact. Having someone accept me and all my mistakes and bad tendencies with no judgment and with open arms with love has finally made my shame disappear. The golden rule is often quoted. Love your neighbor as you would yourself. The actual quote reads something like All things therefore that you want men to do to you you also must do to them I want to note that this is a proactive statement. If we want things done to us, like being treated respectfully, being loved, showing consideration and appreciation, we must look for ways to do it to others. Also note that it says all things therefore that you want men to do to you. It doesn't say all things that have been done to you. Many of us have been treated badly and so we go and treat others the same way. But that is not how we want to be treated. The golden rule says to treat others the way we want. to be treated. If we followed that rule, would we ever be unkind? Would we hit out in violence? Would we take what wasn't ours or put down those who look different? No. If we treated others as we want to be treated and everyone else did the same, what would the world be like? that is why I say that love will show us the way because if we just allow it being guided by our innate desire to love and be loved will show us what the appropriate way is to act in every situation every situation with no exceptions There is a similar saying that is common today. Do not do to others as you would not have done to you. It sounds really similar, but it really isn't. The latter is not proactive. It basically says don't do anything that you wouldn't want done to you. To follow that, I can literally sit on my couch and do nothing. thereby not hurting anyone but also not helping them. The golden rule is not complacent. It is proactive. It is looking for ways to make a positive impact. If I want someone to smile at me, I must smile at them first. If I want someone to treat me respectfully, I must be respectful. Being proactive changes the world around us. It would end shame as well. No one wants to feel shame. So then, we should not make others feel shame. But there are institutions that don't want shame to go away. I spoke about education. but governments have used shame to get people to do what they want. They have used the idea that some people are less than human to excuse wars. They have promoted their ideals as being superior and anyone who believes otherwise as inferior, bad. That is using shame to motivate. If the government says, But the fallacy in this use of shame is that it will motivate people long term. It doesn't. History has shown that empires fall when we lose our humanity. Rome, Greece, France, England, Germany, Japan, Egypt, and Assyria all eventually lost their moral and ethical way and then the nation falls. I think the reason for this is simple. Hating is exhausting. Thinking we're superior to everyone else feels good for a moment. But when we feel we're superior, we start treating others poorly. Those people eventually revolt and will no longer be our friends. And without support, governments fall. Religion is also known for using shame. Whether that is the shame of one's own body, sexuality, or that particular religion's superiority to other beliefs, shame is often the central part of that. I want to differentiate between guilt and shame again as guilt can have a beneficial role in a proper perspective. If a religion teaches that stealing or violence is bad and condemns those acts, that is beneficial for both the individuals and the community as a whole. If, however, the religion says that if you sin in any fashion, you are inherently a bad person, not that you just did a bad act, That is shame and that is not helpful. Religions do this so they can place themselves as intermediaries between God and the lay person. In other words, if I commit a sin, let's say I steal fruit from a neighbor's tree, a religion may tell me that I'm going to burn in hell because I am a bad person unless I go confess and make penance to a priest who will absolve me of my sin and shame. That places the religion in a position of power over me, which for thousands of years has been used to subjugate people and even nations. Shame is a powerful tool, but we need to remember it is a tool that is not truthful. because every person sins or misses the mark, which is what the word sin literally means, even the priests. Creating a clergy-laity distinction is a statement that some people are superior to others, which is just not true and leads to unhealthy shame. We have to be careful as parents and teachers that we don't use shame to try and novitiate our children. That is what happened to me, and I see it happen to children all the time. A child does a bad act, maybe even a really bad one like hurting another child or animal. And the parent or teacher says something like, you are an evil child, or you are a disappointment. Worse yet, I wish you were never born. Those are statements meant to invoke shame. They tell the child that they are bad at the core, not that they did a bad act. If a child begins to believe they are bad by nature and that is just who they are, how will they act? What will they believe when they become adults? A person who has no self-value sees no benefit in treating others humanely because they are less than human themselves. That is what shame does to a person. Shame is something that others can try to make us feel. But in the end, we have to believe their statements for it to work on us. If we stop someone from committing a crime, and the criminal then says to us that we are a worthless human being, that comment means little to nothing. We don't sit there and wonder if we are really a bad human being for stopping them doing a bad act. If on the other hand, our mother or father tells us we are a worthless human, that is a much harder comment to let go. That comment is coming from someone who is supposed to care for us, who we have a connection to, and they are saying we are bad. That comment can leave serious wounds. However, in the end, we have to choose to believe the comment for us to feel shame. Picture an alcoholic abusing their family for years and also calling them horrible names. I'm sorry if you have suffered through this. I have loved ones that have lived through this and it is just terrible. I'm using the example to try and adjust how we think. Because to stop feeling shame, we have to talk back to the words or feelings that we have. So if in their drunk stupor, an alcoholic family member tells us that we are worthless and incapable of love because we will not support their alcohol abuse, it is possible we could believe them. We might rationalize that if we really loved them, we would just let them do what they wanted. But as I telling this to you the answer is obvious isn it We are not the problem We are not the ones who should feel shame when we hear those words What that person does and says is not true. But we must choose to believe they are wrong. We have to tell ourselves what they are saying is a lie. We are not worthless. We are not bound by the words they define us as. We have a right to love and be loved like every person on earth and we choose to not accept what they say. Easier said than done, but I had to start there. I had to separate in my mind the actions that I did and who I was. That took months, years of re-education of my own way of thinking. For my entire life, when I did something that was wrong, I'm using quotes around that word because not everything I was condemned for was morally wrong. It was wrong to my parent, my teacher, my so-called friends. So when I did something wrong and felt shame, I would tell myself, So what? I made a mistake or I disappointed that person. That does not make me a bad person. I am the same person I was before I heard those words. I still want to be loved. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy and I do not believe what that person says because those words are a lie. Again, I'm not talking about guilt. I do allow myself to feel guilt. If I do something ethically or morally wrong, I feel guilty. I will apologize to the person or to God or to myself for making that mistake. Then I try and let it go. Isn't that what forgiveness is for? If, however, we hold on to shame, we are in essence saying that we are unforgivable. Forgiveness, whether we believe that comes from a higher source or ourselves, exists for a reason It exists so that we can get up, brush ourselves off, smile at the sun and our beautiful planet, and move forward We are of no help to ourselves or others if we live in shame huddled up in fear and afraid of being a disappointment. I know. I lived that way for way too many years. But as the golden rule teaches us, we must be proactive to help ourselves and our world and bearing shame is useless if we want to enjoy our lives as much as possible. So today's 15-second action means something to me personally. It is the way I started to let go of shame. When was the last time you felt that way? Was it this morning? Yesterday? Is it something you have carried for years? Was it something someone said? or was it an internal reaction to something that was done to you? Whatever it was, let's talk back to that feeling right now. Let's tell ourselves, my mistake does not define my life or who I am. The shame I feel is telling me a lie and I choose not to believe it. I realize this feels weird to say and might even feel like we are violating some unwritten religious code. But the statement is correct. My mistake does not define my life or who I am. The shame I feel is telling me a lie and I choose not to believe it. I'll give you 15 seconds and I'll be right back Okay, I'm back How did that make you feel? When I said it I felt I was my own best friend. And I realized that even though I appreciate many people in my life for being a good friend to me, I want myself to be my best friend. At least one of them. Because she is the only person who knows me the best and can be there for me at any time. Myself is a person who I really want to and should get along with and enjoy spending time with. In the end, shame becomes a prison that we dwell in because someone told us to go sit in it. And we choose to stay there even though the door is still open. I hope I have given you a reason today to stand up and walk out of that prison and into the sunshine. I started this episode today with the words, Shame on me. I used to feel that way every day. I don't accept that feeling anymore. I don't accept that I am not worthy of love because I know I am. You are too. Remember, there are many 15-second actions we can do every day that will change our world. Five of these actions are printed on my kindness cube. Remind someone you love them. Smile, say a kind word, be silly, and be grateful. You place the 3-inch kindness cube on your vanity or nightstand to remind you to do these simple actions. It is available on my website at mistthesinger.com slash podcast and is sent on a donation basis to anywhere the post office delivers. I really hope you enjoyed this episode of Make Me Smile With Me, your host, Myst. I truly look forward to spending time with you next week. You can reach out to me with your comments on social media accounts. At the top of Facebook or Instagram, you will find a post on this podcast. You can comment right there or you may email me at mist at mistthesinger.com. I would really appreciate your reviews and comments on all platforms. Please join me next week on Make Me Smile with Mist. You can subscribe on whatever platform you are using or learn more on my website, mistthesinger.com. Today is a good day to change your world in 15 seconds. We have much to be grateful for. Remember, I never want you to feel overwhelmed by being asked to do things you cannot do. We are all imperfect and have our own issues and challenges. Always do what you can to the best of your ability. It is not a comparison or competition. Like you, I'm someone who struggles and learns and grows. So please do not take this podcast as a substitute for seeking professional help. And if you're having dark thoughts right now that you can't control, please reach out to 911 or 988 the Suicide Prevention Hotline The ideas we talk about here are about changing the way we live our lives and it should always be positive and fun sometimes a bit hard if we're out of the habit but worthwhile if we put in the effort The only failure is giving up. Please don't ever give up and please have a good week and always remember to smile. I hope you enjoyed the music and podcast today. You can find a lot more of my original music on any streaming platform or my music videos on YouTube. You can find me by simply searching for Myst with two eyes. The Make Me Smile podcast is a Pantheon Media and Ephemeral Music production. Hosted by B. Myst with two eyes. Written and recorded by Myst and Andres Wong. Produced and engineered by Jerry Denielson Executive produced by Andre Swang, David Young, Christian Swain, and Peter Ferrioli All songs and music by me again Thank you for listening to Make Me Smile with Myst We love you for a while and make me smile.