The Mandarin Suite with TJ Miller

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Asian pan-fry noodle range. Handmade in my kitchen. Pan-fried in yours. And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Crossen and Robert Kelly. Bobby, look who you following in Love of Paco all over again. Well, I told you, I wasn't. I'm more excited that he's coming with me than he's been. Oh, he doesn't care about working with you. And then he was like, oh, I go, you've been there before? He's like, yeah, I've been there with Lewis. And I was like, that does no way that was funner than being with me. And he was with Lewis with his chick. Paco said the words to me, I've learned all I can learn from Bobby Kelly. Repeatedly, he said that. Well, then you're going to learn more this weekend. Oh, shit. What are you going to do? You're going to attack him? Well, he's going from elementary school to high school. Oh, that's when people start sleeping with teachers. That's right. I like that you didn't say university. He's just going to high school. No, he hasn't. Junior college. He's not there yet. He's not there yet. Maybe junior college. It is the bonfire faction talk series six and one or three, the science, the influence in the house with you. We have a fantastic guest here with us. He's going to be at the comedy zone in Jacksonville, mild stomping grounds. Yes. March 27th and 28th, whatever sickness I had, I promise you, I left in room 272. After that, he's going to be in Indianapolis, Virginia Beach and Bloomington. You can get tickets at TJ Miller does not have a website. It is the hilarious TJ Miller joining us. Hello, everyone. What fun. You don't have a website. You're so bright you got to wear shades. So there's a video. That's a video camera. Oh, great. That's exactly what I mean. Also is also his white wife gives him black eyes, but they don't call it that in the community. No, they call it raccoon. They just they call it slightly darker. Yeah. Yeah. TJ Miller does not have a website for all those dates and my line of peanut butter and my line of hot sauce. Peanut butter, by the way, you gave it to me. Yeah, I had to. I'm a podcast. You're wonderful podcast. It was awesome. And we got deep on your podcast. You really go right in for it. I mean, you're talking about life within a couple of minutes. It's a different podcast. Well, I love that. We like to get we like to get psychological on the YKWD. A lot of people sing at a product, not really give two shits about it. I've watched Lewis like I watched him care about body, brain, who cares coffee and stuff. And like you are involved in your hot sauce and peanut butter, which is funny. He did. Yeah, I'm the poll. Newman of comedy. But I think I think Lewis is really funny because he during when we were on we were on one show, the last show that I did with you, by the way, I was horrible, so bizarre. Something about the chemistry. I just was like flat lining the entire time. But I went on once and Lewis talked about how he got fired from like, what was the gym that he used to work? Equinox. Equinox. He got fired and he got fired again or something. And he just was passionate about the culture, the corporate culture of Equinox and their mission statement and everything. It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard in my entire life. And he stood by it. I think after the thing, I was like, that's insane. Are you kidding about that? He's like, absolutely not. I love that he just thought he worked there. He went there. No, he went there. No, no, he worked. He was selling memberships. Oh, was he? And it got in his head. Did he get kicked out too? Yes. Yes. Oh, I thought I didn't know got fired. I thought he got fired for sure. But he he wound up getting kicked out for fighting a guy. Well, almost. It was one of them. He took a couple of Jim Jobs different places and he tried to do the high end ones, but no, he gets very again, that's Lewis not having a father figure ever. And it's like young years and all he looks for that in a thing. That's why I said he like how much he worship Steve Jobs. He named his dog after Steve Jobs. And then he got a tattoo of a Mac computer on his arm. It's a little serious. Yeah. For Steve Jobs. It's the Mac classic. But it's like he likes philosophies of men. He wants men to tell him philosophy. So he so equinox. Must be why he likes you so much. Must be. Yeah. It's he. No, but it's why I mean, Bobby, Bobby, you're a big part of that in his life for sure. At the beginning. Yeah. I mean, podcasting, I got him into podcasting. Well, like any son, eventually he figures he could beat you up. So then he stops giving a shit. Yeah. He'll come back though when he's 50. You have a you have a father figure kind of vibe. Mr. Kelly. There you go. Oh my God, that's crazy. The Mac classic, the first portable computer, by the way. He is a very well, all computers are portable. Well, that was the first one that you could put in. I had that one and you could it came with a targets bag and it weighed around 17 pounds and I would go to college with that on my shoulder. And I never thought I never thought you were supposed to really bring that one around. That was the first one that you could with the little square disks, little square. It had this floppy desks. Yeah. And that's man. That was for 52 K modem era. Yeah. Yeah. And that was my friend had a Mac. It took 20 minutes to get on the internet. We downloaded pornography and came out line by line. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like that wasn't even on those. That's right. I feel like that's before Internet. No, that was 14 K. It was called 14 K was like, oh my God, Internet. No, no, I'm telling you the Mac that I'm thinking of. Yeah. The Macintosh was not. No, there was a Mac before that. There was no Internet yet. This was just like the computer. Yeah. And but it had great game. My friend John had one and he had a boxing game that was on it that was it was we could be like a kangaroo versus like Sylvester or still against like Rocky. That's right. It was so at the time it was unbelievable. Yeah, this one had Pong. Yeah. And it was like, oh my God, I can't believe this is on a little screen. Yeah, there there was the first game I played. I have no idea what it was called, but it was almost like it was a little age and you kind of you're going through a maze. It's sort of really called adventure and you'd have to go and the dragon would come out, you'd have to go get keys, right? Yeah, I think it was more simple than that even. Yeah, but it was right around the Internet. It was just a maze and you were the age and you would go through the maze and you would have to get a key, but they would dragons would come out of the side. Maybe that's what it was. Yeah, adventure. If you saw the kind of eye rate I would get at video games when I was younger, it was crazy, but also the kind of crazy that I think back on for the games that it was like you're like that third fucking alligator keeps getting me on pitfall. I mean, I got to take the control with the cord and bashing on the ground. Which sounds like what the fuck. That's it right there, right? Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I remember when Laura Croft came out, I just couldn't fucking believe it. But they had a sexy girl video game. She's not able to complete anything that's going to be the whole time. I tell you, I again, it's to me. I found whether it be my dad's or whatever, pornography early enough and found access to pornography early enough that I was never taken back. I remember like friends that were like, leisure suit Larry. It's like a computer game where they should like girls like cartoon. But you're trying to get a girl's top off and you're like, yeah, then I'm just going to go watch this girl get gang banged. Who looks like my mom's friend, Darlene. Yes, Darlene. Yeah. Across the street. There was a guy had a huge playboy collection. Boxes and boxes of boxes. So yeah. Yeah. That was great. I didn't even really get it before I fist pumped here. Pussies. So people call it boxes. Came afterwards. You know what I mean? Yeah, I still don't get it. I thought you were going to say box. Speed it to me again. Let's try it one more time. Okay. Um, there were boxes of pussy boxes of boxes. Fuck. Yeah, I just go. He had just had pussies of assholes. No, no, no boxes. I need to go on the road with you. Box. Wow. Yes. I could step it up from science class to fucking philosophy. Look how excited he is from the potential of going on the road with me. I'm very excited about it. I love four boxes. It's a kill box when you're with Robert Kill. I would love to go on the road with you. That would be a lot of fun. Oh, we don't drink. But you don't drink is the only thing that would make it. I would start to drink. With you. Perfect. Yeah, it's always a fun time. I can't believe I'm alive right now after Kate and I went, I said, yesterday I did Jim Kerr's show, the like legendary New York radio personality. And he has a Irish breakfast every St. Patrick's Day. It starts at five AM. People go there and start drinking at five AM. I went, Dave Hill performed seven and then I went on an eight and Kate and I just got wrecked and then after it was over and I hired my own bagpiper. So he was there for to be, to do the rim shot. So instead of, but don't bump. I would like tell a stupid joke and then point to him and he's like, ready? Ready? Ready? Ready? Ready? And then I'm going to be like, all right. And it was so funny, way too expensive. But it was a perfect bagpipe, by the way. Yeah. Oh, thank you. I was wondering how you're going to pull it off. Yeah, I did. You did. Oh yeah. Uh, bag your pipe. Oh yeah. All right. Yeah. I think I got it. So you got it. He goes, yeah, that's great. So I take note. My bagpiper. So you always, you give the knuckle pound and then see if you understand. Yeah, you just go first. Yeah. Um, yeah. Shoe first, uh, get box later. All right, I'm done with that. I'm sorry. It was a mistake to do that second. No, I'm a good person to deal with. I'm always coming excited about it. You're into it. Um, and somebody was like, do you always have a bagpiper? And I was like, what fucking question is that? I go, yeah, he falls me around. It's very expensive, but I think it's worth it. I'm in a lot of debt. He was very expensive. So we did that. Keeley just got wrecked. And then we went home and like slapped. We took like a disco now because she had a really important dinner with our collectors and stuff. And I said, I would go, we got up. We were like, okay, let's get together. Let's go on. And we just started drinking Guinness. It just began all again, you know, and then we went to this and it was this fabulous, uh, gay guy who worked with Mark Jacobs. He was like one of the main people at Mark Jacobs. And I think he came up with Mark by Mark and we had this very into these guys. I mean, he's a fantastic sauce. He's not even a lush. He's just, and so there's it bottles and bottles of wine. We're like, Oh my God, dear God. And we got to the end of it. He went home, but we were with, uh, Kate's friend. And we, so everybody goes out and keeps drinking. It was like St. Patrick's day. I was like, what do I have left to do? I've been Guinness, Jamison. I was up drinking before seven AM. Like what is left that could make this more St. Patrick's day a fight. So then what is more Irish than all of those things plus a fight at the bar? I thought somebody had broken Kate's glasses because she's wearing green glasses. I was all decked out in green bow tie and everything. I was so drunk and I was like, who broke these glasses? And I was like, those aren't your glasses. I'm like, of course they're not. They're my wife's glasses. I wouldn't fucking wear those glasses. And they're like, all right, relax. They're not your wife's glasses. And I was like, bullshit. They look exactly the same. Just immediately starts to just get to blows. Like I'm like, like the bartenders like fuck you. And there's some of the guy that works there and he started to be like, what do we want to do? Do we want to go outside and get this? I'm like, absolutely fucking Lutely. We go outside. Kate's like, we're going home. We get in the, and I have the glasses, the broken glasses. We get in the car. She's like, Teejoo, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, it's St. Patrick's Day. I'm trying to get into fight. What's the deal? She's like, those aren't my glasses. I mean, before I go, we're going to need you to circle the block. Cause now I have to go back into a place. I almost got into fight to be like, you guys are absolutely right. You ever do a drunk apology? Those are always really interesting. You're just kind of like, Hey, look, I want to say this is on me. And I didn't mean to make you feel whatever you felt. But if you didn't feel bad, if you're angry, I don't want you to do that. Christy's not in her head right now. Did you call yourself a man a couple times? And I'm a man. Yeah. And I'll come in as a man and I'll come home. I'll say I'm a man. I did the wrong thing. And I'm a man. So if I can fight you for my wife's honor, depending on her, then that's what I do. I'm a man, but I'm also a big enough man. Just say I was wrong. And you keep showing. And they were good. Are we good? Are we good? You're so crazy. Are we good? We're good. I'm sorry, man. Sorry. And then I try and go back into the bar and they're like, no. Wait, wait, I just apologize. I get the fuck out of here. I was like, well, this is a good same path. You go, I've made everything right. I've set the course to rightness. So it's pretty righteous to me. But yeah, that's. And so I was just so hung over today and I take brain medication because of my brain injury. The problem is it really dehydrates you. So I get lightheaded if I have too much alcohol in my system and I didn't drink enough water. Let's drink a lot of water. So it was the same Patrick say to remember, hell yeah. That sounds great. Did you have corned beef? What? Yeah. OK. Corned beef potatoes. So many potatoes. That makes me want to drink. What? I went home last night at 1130 and just had a meal by myself on a paper plate. Nice. Yeah. I did have a Scali cap on though. It was corned beef. Got to do it. It was a no, it was lamb. She made lamb. Not very Irish. But there was. There was the cabbage. There was cabbage. Nice cabbage and little baby potatoes. Cabbage and lamb? Got to do potatoes. Cabbage and lamb is good. I would just say it should have been corned beef. It should have been but she didn't make it. She bought lamb. I can't, you talked to her. I can't. Maybe I'll have. Guys. Can you call? I'll talk to her. All right, please call her. OK. But I want you to call her. I apologize to her. Let me get drunk first. Can you hire the bagpipe guy again? Yeah, I really could. He's great. His name is Chris. That was a perfect impression that I did. It was unbelievable. How much does it cost for a bagpipe guy? I mean, do you ask a woman how much she weighs, Robert? I apologize. I didn't know that. I apologize. Bob, I apologize. I got a bagpipe player to play the opening of the song Shoots in Ladders by Corn when I did it at the comedy jam. Oh, that's amazing. And the guy came out and played the whole intro, this cool intro, and it wasn't mic'd to the audience couldn't hear it. Oh, no. I mean, it is a loud instrument, though. Yeah. I think I'm telling you, it just everyone was like, they wasn't. And while he's doing the whole thing, they're going like, can't hear you. That's the worst. And then I had to go out there with the cool moment where the song kicks in. And everyone's like, I guess. I guess you're doing the thing. Then the drummer did the stop on the wrong part. And I fucking, I thought this was going to be great. Jay, how much is a bagpipe guy? How much was a bagpipe guy? That was a friend. It was like a friend of Carla's. Well, that's right. That's right. You got to get a professional bagpiper from NY Bagpiper or New York Bagpiper.com. But it's expensive. His hourly rate, he was like, it's $1,500. Holy shit. She's not enough. But I didn't pay that. I was like, no. And then he was like, all right, what do you think's fair? What do you think? 300. The next thing to be what do you think is fair beats he knows it was lofty. But there's also a thing where this guy is like, that's the guy from, yeah, that's him. That's Chris. But there's a thing where it's like, I can't low ball. I'm like 300 bucks. I am a thousand bucks. I'm in movies. That's good because it's the day that you, that's his money making day. It's his money making day. And he went from the morning, from doing it in the morning, he went to another gig afterwards. And then he had another, he's like a standup comic doing more than one show on the same page. Bagpipe gigs? He's on a circuit? He's a bagpiper and he has spots all over town. That's his season. Yesterday was his season. That's where he makes his money. That's where he makes his money for the summer. You get two, you get three things, dude. A cop or a firefighter death and fucking St. Patrick's Day. That's it. You're praying for cops deaths. And if the lead singer of corn can't play for himself for some reason and he needs a higher up. You know, and I'm sure he does Irish weddings. I think it's probably a thing. But I think you're right. I do. You know what, though? I don't think he has another job. I think he does this full on professionally. And then he was going to like a tech bro afternoon party thing and I'm sure they give him $1,500 an hour. So he cleared, I'm sure he cleared $15,000 yesterday. That's great. You know, because they wanted him for a lifetime. At least they had him. He goes, I don't know. I guess he's also a huge in crypto. But besides that, he's a bagpiper. He's had Bitcoin since 2008. He's going to wear a skirt all day. It was cold out yesterday. $1,500. But when it blew up into the air, that was the true St. Patrick's Day. I know. A real Irish middle. Just have his bag and balls hanging out, right? I kept urging him to come over near the grate with the steam that goes up. Come on, let me talk to you over here. He would have dropped his bagpipes into his Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, exactly. Ooh. You're really renting two bagpipes. What's up? Ting. Ting. Ting. Ting ting. I want to tell the Jacksonal story if that's OK. Oh, please. Well, yes, because I just saw the thing you're going to Jacksonville. I just got back. I sent pictures. The room that was next to my room was a crime scene, I believe, maybe active, a blinky light that never turned off. Jesus. A one-way lampshade done. Some sort of stains all over the, do you have that? Yeah. Look at this room. This is the room that was next to my room. And it never wasn't this. Dirty. It's sad. They just never. I'm pretty sure a rabbit was living on the bed because there's rabbit doodoo on the bed. See, no, nothing. You had a hookah like raisinettes on the bed. There's no. Oh, my God. There's no smoke detectors in any of the rooms. It's crazy. Oh, Jesus. That's the top. Yeah. And they were like, this is totally fine. No, no, no. This, Leigh, you know, she says, that's why I said it was funny. I forgot one until I saw you're on there. She says that you're coming. And me and you, specifically you and I, are the only two comics that go, not to stay there, but that merrily, when they say to us, don't tell both of them. I'm sure they tell you, please, we'll give you a buyout. We'll put you down the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I had to start changing rooms this time, Leigh, the manager, was sweet. She goes, please, I will drive you to another hotel. Please stay. Paco stayed with me in the hotel last time. It's hilarious. The buffet is shut down now. No, the crab buffet. Not till Easter. Oh my God. The ancient crab buffet. Not till Easter. It's not open until after Easter. I love that place. Yeah. It's so funny to get the tiniest, thinnest crab legs. Paco, you opened them for me. Yeah. I couldn't do it. I was like, I was in frustration. Well, you also don't want to mess up your nail polish. That is true. You're the only guy I know that can pull off the full. I do a French tip when I get a manicure. That works. I haven't done it right now. But you're the only guy that can really pull off the full color. I don't know. My hands are a little light. Now I feel like a fat girl. Kind of. I don't know. Something about my hands are too pale. Well, I guess I like you more. Thanks. I'm like fat women. Yeah, a girl with a trunk. So you. Oh, there's the needle cap that was outside my room. Oh, God. Wild. So I stay there and they give me the, there's two sweets. One of them is the, I don't understand it here. Yeah. Oh, great. Don't worry. They don't exist right now. What? There's no sweets. This is terrible. You're rescheduling. There's definitely not going back after Easter for those sweets. Time to be succulent crab legs where you got to suck it out. That's all there is. One of my guilty pleasures in shitty foods, though, is, and Paco, watch this. I like, I got the imitation crab, shredded imitation crab. And I mean, they have, one of the dishes they have at that is I mean a pile of it. It's just that. It's like eating crab spaghetti. It's so good. Yeah, I love that. So they have two sweets. I would always stay in the Mandarin Suite. So you know how people ask you, like, what's your, your biggest horror story from doing standup? That everybody always asks that question. So mine used to be, I was in Atlanta at the punch line. It was a long time ago and an earlier, like at a different, earlier location. And I was doing, this is like when I first started, and I was doing my set and this woman would not shut the fuck up. She just couldn't shut the fuck up. And I dressed a couple of times when I wasn't as comfortable riffing, really. So dressed a couple of times, and then I just tried to get through the whole thing. And then at the end, I do these characters. I do these characters. And so I finally, I had to get her. So I said, and this next character is a woman. Oh no, no, no. Here's what happens. Before that, this is crazy. I was like, what, excuse me, miss, what do you do for a living? She was like nursing. I'm ready for this. This is gonna get fist bumps. I go, what is that? Like on Craigslist, businessmen paid to come in like, you know, either nurse and put them in diapers to king. And she goes, no, I was nursing my baby boy until he died six months ago. And it was so real. It was so real. And it just, of course, the room just flatlined. I mean, no one knew what to do. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry to hear that. And then I was starting at negative six. And so by the end of the show, I got it like to zero. And the go to this next character is a person who should probably not go out until she's ready to enjoy things and not make everyone around her feel terrible. And this guy, the guy next to her was like, hey, you're talking about my wife. I was like, no, I'm not. This is somebody that I went to college with. I mean, this is Will Smith style shit, I just realized. And he ran, he started running and I saw he was going to the stage to fight me. And I was like, look, man, you know, however this fight is gonna end up, the audience is the real loser. And he like got pretty close. They have another right one, TJ. Way to go, TJ. You're giving Martin Luther King special. Way to go mid 2000s, TJ Miller. Is this what people you think wanna see? Men going at other men. Are you lifting each other up? Are you lucky it's not St. Paddy's Day, motherfucker. Yeah, motherfucker, now break your glasses and then return them because I'm a man. So the bus boys and some of the people grabbed on, he was in like, like camo, shores, and a fucking wife beater and a camo trucker hat. And so they got him. Jacksonville, Tocito. Yeah. So they kicked him out. Crisp, vibrant, and bursting with citrus. Villamarilla's New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc is the perfect wine made to be enjoyed on every occasion. 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Find out more at advantagechewable.co.uk. Easy to love, easy to protect. Advantage Chewable. I'm in the kitchen with Charlie Bigam. So what have we got here, Charlie? My brand new pan-fried pad thai noodles. Noodles? But you're Mr Fish Pie Guy. Guilty. And what? Ovens, roulette roasting. The pan is king of noodling. Whether it's pad thai, yakisoba or laxer, finding that perfect texture is a bottomless noodle rabbit hole. But all I have to do is stir it in the pan for six minutes, right? Bingo! Try the new Charlie Bigam's Asian Pan-Fried Noodle Range, handmade in my kitchen. Pan-fried in yours. I like, you know, close the show, go to the green room. I'm like, oh my God, I think I should quit comedy, right? This is a dangerous endeavor. And then after a little while, like my waitress, we used to call him at the time, came in and was like... The better time. You should come outside. And I was like, I don't really want to like meet people or do any of that stuff. She's like, no, really, you should come outside. And I go out and everybody was waiting for me and they gave me a standing ovation, which was just incredible because they knew how terrible that situation was. So I go to everybody leaves. I go to I'm about to leave and the bartender's like, hey, let me buy you a whiskey. And I was like, no, I don't feel like, you know, really having drinks. I'm just going to go back to the hotel. He said, come on, you ever had Macallan 12? And I was like, no. He's like, I'll buy him a Cal-12. So he supports me. I finish it, talk to him. All right, I'll see you later. And he's like, let me buy you another one. And I was like, no, OK, I'm going to go back to the hotel. He's like, you ever had Macallan 18? And I was like, no. So I gave me one more. And then I was like, all right, I'm going to take off now. He's like, no, you shouldn't. And I go, why? He's like, that guy is in the parking lot waiting for you. And we just called the police, but they haven't got here yet. So he was just stalling. I was like, I'll have a Macallan 20. Please. Yeah, he was just trying to stall me and like not scare me, I guess, because I was really a young comic at that point. So that was my horse story. Now it's not that it's in Jacksonville because I was another fucking, excuse me, another fucking white woman. OK, and she just will not shut the fuck up because in Jacksonville, they get like Jacksonville drunk. Oh, yeah. They have their own version. Yeah, you get a lot of people. I've had people who have featured for me there get lost and like if you catch them in that Duvall thing, they won't stop doing it. They'll just keep saying Duvall. They'll keep doing that. It's the county, I believe. Yeah, it's the county. And everyone's like, what? And they're like, we're the biggest county in the United States. And I'm like, I'm trying to give a fuck. Like, what are you talking about? I don't even know what county I live in. Yeah, what is a county? Why don't you lead with that, Jacksonville? What the fuck is a county? He goes, you don't talk shit like that in these county borders that we're all very aware of. They just love it. It's all they have. So in Duvall County, they got some shitty shape of it on like shirts. Yeah, I think they really do. It's so weird a border that makes no sense. They're strange people, but they don't have a lot going on. And so I do love them, but this woman would not shut the fuck up. Another white woman. And she was so drunk. Yeah, so drunk. You know, kind of like falling onto the guy she was with or whatever. And finally, I'd say like, 35 minutes in a set, I was almost done. I was like, hey, you got to shut up or I'm gonna kick you out, okay? And she's like, you don't know. And I was like, I know that you're a bad mother. I definitely know that. So that's just a line, right? And she flipped the fuck out. You should have said that to the first lady. Yeah. Yeah. Ting, ting, ting, ting. She goes, she nursed her baby until she, she nursed my baby until she died. She goes, what was in that breast milk? You're a shitty nurse. Yeah. Atlanta breast milk is just lean. There was scissors in her tits. Yeah. That's westerly in a mother's book. And so I go, I know that you're a bad mother and she flipped the fuck out and she walked on stage, which is the worst feeling for a comic. When somebody breaks that barrier, it's really scary. So she got up and I could tell she wanted to hit me in the face, but she was doing this weird thing where she kind of couldn't decide which hand to use. It was so bizarre. And then the guy that I was doing with Lance Weese is really funny. And then the bartender jumped the bar and they ran over, because there's, you know, there's the cop that has a gun there. He was doing some other event on Saturday, which was perfect. Great. Love that. That's the only time I need a guy to have a gun is when this fucking girl is on stage with me deciding which hand they grab her, they take her off, they don't kick her out. She just sits right back down where she was. Thanks guys. Thanks, Jacksonville Comedy Zone. So we're in the zone where we don't kick anyone out. So you know a girl, I told her I'd be like, a girl came back in the backstage area. I was waiting there for it to empty out a little bit. And she just came in the back and dropped to her knees and started grabbing my feet and telling me, she knows she's not supposed to be back there, but she found me. What? And then you don't know what to do. You're like, okay. Yeah, it's terrible. If I get out of here, I shouldn't have people like to do that. So she sits back down and I just go, I kind of go, you all right over there? Yeah, what are you doing, Paco? Making sure the batteries. Oh, cool. That's awesome. I just did. Yeah, fuck what's going on. Dude, right in the middle of the story. You just flex this guy. Yeah, this is more XM than serious. Let me put it that way. She was like, yeah. So I- Paco, Paco, stop. So, and then I look and her boyfriend who had a goatee that the length can only be described as sons of anarchy. Okay. And he was in shorts, the whole thing. He was just mad dogging me. He was looking me like, I'm gonna fucking come up there right now and kill you. And I tried to sort of ignore it at first and then he just would not. And I was like, if this guy's gonna get up here, this is gonna be a real disaster. She already did. Clearly, as a couple, they don't have a problem with that. They've already made it clear. You can get on the stage here. Yeah, this is the place to get on the stage if you wanna hit somebody with either one of your hands. And so I finally was like, I gotta address this. And I was like, what the fuck are you looking at? What's the situation? What needs to happen here? Do you think that your wife or whatever the fuck this is is more important than everybody else? Do you think it was okay for her to come on stage and fuck up the show like that? Just tell me. Tell me if you think that that's okay. And I could see him being like, I'm gonna fucking kill you, man. And but I just kept hitting him and hitting him and hitting him. And then finally he was, I could tell he was like, yeah, that wasn't okay. That she did that. You broke it? Yeah, but it's logic. Ready for this? You got through? It works in Duval County. Duval? But only in the county. Yeah, yeah. And so, okay, so like I figured that out. Then I, you know, in the show, come back and come out for the meet and greet. And like he and this girl are there waiting for me. That's very, very clear. And I'm like, you gotta get him out of the hotel. You gotta get him out of the club. I cannot meet with these people. So I go back, wait for them. Then they come back to get me and they go, we made them leave, they're out of here. And then I like finish the meet and greet, whatever. And I go back to the suite. And when I'm in the suite, I smoke a little weed because that's what needed to happen. Not real weed, because it's Florida. It was real weed. Oh, they cannot hear me. So I go back, I'm high. And then suddenly I remember that they know which room I'm in because I made a joke about it on stage. And said there's two suites and they gave me the good one. The other one's shitty. But if you're a movie star, you can stay in the Mandarin suite here at the Ramada Inn. Bye, William. And you can walk right up to the door, by the way, because it's outside. You can go into the, yeah, that's right. You can park in front of my room. You can park in front of my room. And then as I realized that, I just hear. My wet floor, by the way, was the other suite. My wet floor, that's all you know, it was the other suite. Oh my God, it's terrifying. So right as I realized this, I'm like they know what, I'm very high. I'm like, oh my God, they know that I'm in the Mandarin suite. On my fucking door. And I'm like, this is the end of my life. So I rush because I'm a man. I'm a man. So I rush into the bathroom, turn off all the lights, lock the bathroom door, hide in the bathroom, call a cab, and I'm like, listen what happened? She's like, what's going on? Are you okay? Technically that is springing into action though. Yeah, that is. You just spring into an action. Yeah, and that action was cowering like a coward. Like you should be. There is nothing. First of all. I slept in the bathroom. For Florida? I'm not joking. You can see right into the room, by the way. They saw you slept. Seriously. Of course you can. They're watching you be a coward. My God, Jesus. For Florida. He got into the bathroom. For Florida to be the place that is like popular, the popular hotel style there is being that motel style. Your room goes right to the outside. For that being Florida's thing, there's any place where there should be more of a barrier than a thin shitty door between you and the place you're in is fucking Florida. It's always, I've had people come up, because again, they know you're in that one suite. I've had people come knock on the thing before too. But I love that you two both could stay at a better hotel, but you choose this life of danger. We're punk rock. Yeah, you are. That's what Jay is, fucking punk rock. You know Happy Jay was that he found two different fingernails in front of his door? Geez. Before I got into two fingernails, the thing, the needle cap, and then the, do my wet socks, drying on the air conditioner in those hilarious. The guy kept telling me he was gonna come change the air conditioner in the new room. He goes, I'm gonna come change the air conditioner. And he kept changing the thermostat. And he goes, I don't know why this thing's not working. And then I just pushed the button on the air conditioner. And he goes, oh, this one's not set up to the thermostat. Oh, nice. And he just left. But if you look in the door, the deadbolt, it's just all the wires that connect everything. You get, they're in the deadbolt hole where the metal goes in to lock the door. Yeah, you have that picture, Christine? Show them the deadbolt wires. I mean, that's wild. So I guess I won't stay there, but I stayed there kind of as a joke. Like I've done that quite a bit. It's just like, this is funny to me to do this. Well, here's the thing. I may have still thought it was kind of funny. My socks getting wet. By the way, Bobby's pointing it out too. How many times has that door been tried to be kicked the fuck open? Yeah. Look at those scrapes. They keep saying there's no more drug acts and prostitutes. I didn't see really prostitutes, but I mean, I was watching somebody shoot up in the fucking ice cubby. They can't get them all, Jay. They can't get them all. They like fucking mice. You can't get them all. Year round, though, that pools water, crystal blue. I'm not getting in it. I think one year, yeah, and such strange people there, I remember one year they have an ice machine, but there was no ice bucket. I was like, what? Guys, you have to go with your hands? Oh, go back to the video of the room next to me, because I want to show you something interesting in that picture also. Oh, John Card, the guy was featuring for me. They said the terms, steal towels from a different room so he can have towels, because he didn't have any to begin with. Towels. They did this to me, they go, there's not smoke detectors in a lot of these rooms, and I went, yeah. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be fine. Do you have the video of the room? Yeah, if you look, pause it, nothing yet, hang on. Pause it right there. Look under the desk, right there. That's the only do not disturb sign in the entire building. Stuck in a room crime scene, that they can't open legally, I believe. Until they find either who committed that murder, or they find that little midget poltergeist lady who's gonna get the room clear. Bill, you have to come in and clear the room. Why leave the light on? Someone's walking around this hotel. When you have a window that's wide open for the three days I was there, or two days, and the light's flickering inside, and it looks like that. Close it. Maybe they don't have enough money to have an exorcism to get the ghost out of the room. But the guy, they put me on a room on either, I moved rooms three times, twice. And the second time, between the second time, it was from 270, to, or 268, to 272. And there's only the one room in between was that. And that was, the people who put me in the room walked by that and were like, didn't think to go, let me go close that curtain at least, nothing. I think that there's a level of, and I had a job once, it was kind of like this, but there's a level of contempt for the workplace, and the fact that you have that job, that there is almost like, fuck it, I am gonna leave the, yeah, but it could have been a crime scene, and the police said, listen, don't touch anything in this room, because we have to get evidence. It might have been evidence. It's very possibly evidence. I would say something terrible happened in that room. I also leather the cops were like, all right, just don't touch it, we'll get back to it in like next week. Yeah. Just leave it be. We'll get there when we get there. We have a lot of stuff going on in this hotel. To the power, I felt one point, it was my key stopped working in my room, so of course I had to go. And then the night manager fell asleep in the back so they couldn't get a hold of him. So they gave me and Carden the fucking, the master, they'll give you the master key that opened up any room. It's your gear. That really, you feel that moment of power though, where you're like, we'll be fun to just go and just start clicking rooms and throwing it open to see what you see. Just open up all the hookers are in one room, they're hiding, but you're there that weekend. It definitely was a place where people were having sex with prostitutes. It's always sort of been that. And then it has a vibe that people who are at the pool are maybe not staying at the hotel. Well, we in Paco. Is it just local, did you think? Me and Paco, it's very possible to stay. They have a subscription. Yeah, they have a membership. It's a swim club. And you go and get your steak and shake, you swim for a little bit and then you wait. When they were telling me, they goes, we gotta move some of the people from this building over to that building, where the internet is, because apparently they're with TPC Sawgrass. The fucking huge golf tournament was in there that weekend. They're like, you have people from that thing here? That's crazy. Me and Paco got accosted by a giant trans woman. I mean, could have beat the shit out of both of us. We accepted her. Yum, yum, yum. We accepted her weird kindness. That's a perfect excuse. We accepted her weird kindness because we were intimidated by her. Honey, she would have beat me up if I didn't. Yeah, I didn't. What did she say to us, Paco? Suck my cock, both of you. We saw her in a smoke shop or something. She goes, I knew I'd see y'all here. I want the gay one to suck my cock first, and then the Asian. Yeah. Oh, shit. Sorry. Piss bump, nope. Piss bump, team. Piss bump, I'm not. Okay, it's all right. We got your trailer. Yeah, it's really exciting. So you're a new movie. It came out today, the trailer, and it just, it was at South by Southwest, and I didn't go because I was doing stand-up stuff, because it's what I love. Bet your passion. Yeah, it is my passion. But it's cool. I mean, the trailer's awesome. What is it about? So it's a techno thriller. Oh, not a comedy. No, not a comedy. I mean, I'm funny in it. Sorry, but it's like, they did fuck up one of my jokes, which is very frustrating, but it's a techno thriller. So it's about AI and this guy who sort of hacks AI and gets enough of dating advice from online and everything that he, the AI will help him hook up with girls and have sex with girls, and he's trying to kind of make it to be an app, but then it starts to take over and fuck with his life and fuck with the people that he's sort of drawn in without telling them and lying to them and everything. So it's really interesting because... Are you the guy? No. The guy is like a handsome, it's a lot of television actors, but the guy has to be handsome. So I'm his tech partner, and I am in charge of the company, and he's like the lead developer. I think you're handsome, by the way. Fuck you. You're the handsome guy. I'm a beautiful, strong trans woman. What is this? It's the largest growing sector. Love. No one can hack love. But maybe AI can. Hey, man, I love your idea. I'm gonna go masturbate. You're all welcome to. You can do it there in the boardroom. Maybe the Molly, but... AI, love you. I need to report a missing person. In hindsight, we should have talked about them before two more minutes and just posted the trailer. This is radio. Yeah. Yeah, they can't see that. No. That's hilarious. Well, yeah, what do you think? I mean, it's so... The reason I did it is it's just like so different. I really haven't been in a movie like that ever, really. Was it fun? Was it more fun? I mean, you're gonna be the comedy break anyway, but do you have scenes, I assume, that are? Like you're just kind of scared or something? Yeah, it's funny. They're kind of using me a little bit. Did you improv the masturbate line? Yeah, totally. That's the one they fucked up, because they needed to do the back end of that, which was me saying something like, everyone's equal here, this is a workplace where everybody should feel comfortable. So, yeah, that's the joke of it. But I fucking love the trailer. And I think it's interesting, like I like the director, he's a soap opera star who banked all his money so that he could become a filmmaker and he wrote and directed it. And I mean, all those guys were like, great. But it's just, like, I think it's interesting to be even in that trailer, because any of my fans or anybody knows me, is gonna be like, what the fuck? And it was very fun, but I only shot like a couple days on it because I'm only in like two locations. But you got the and. I got the and. The and is fucking amazing. I have the and in underwater also. But I just think, I think it's an interesting thing to be in. And I loved the director. I think he's really, really cool. But between all of us and the millions of listeners. And millions. They millions and millions. And they kind of sort of low balled me. And then they wanted me to come to South by Southwest. And I was like, all right, that's cool. And then I was like, no, I'm not really gonna do that. Because it has to, movies have to sell themselves on, America decides if a movie is good or not by watching the movie or hearing from somebody that they know who watched the movie. They don't give a fuck if I'm like, and I love this movie. It's great type of thing. And I'm, I'm not in the movie that much. So it's like hilarious that I'm in the trailer. I also close the trailer with a joke that they fucked up because I say maybe it's the Molly kicking in, but they cut the kicking in. So maybe it's the Molly is like all I say. But it's the point. The point is it's really an interesting film to be in. And I'm kind of only interested in doing films that I write and star in or things like this. Where it's just totally different. I feel the same way. I know. You've always felt like that. That's why we're so close. We are very close friends. That's why I just like to do this and nine other podcasts because the right film hasn't come across my plate. It hasn't come along yet. But when you do, you're gonna get your teeth done. Nine other podcasts. It's great. Oh yeah, it's fun. This looks great. And why it's great is the AI. Like that is, that is coming. Where guys are gonna use AI to live their lives. Like we're gonna get this for Jacob. It's coming out soon. It's not out yet. No, we don't. Just the trailer came out. I texted him, just the trailer, but you know. Is it in theaters, right? No, no, no. It's streaming. Just the trailer came out. And I think that they're waiting to, yeah, so they have buyers in the mix. That's what's happening. So Netflix likes it. So I bet it'll, it'll land in Netflix unless they low ball us. And if that's the case, then. Prime. Yeah, it'll go somewhere else. But you know, it's so insane, but, you know, Netflix probably is a better brand name. But like you can make more money at Tubi. Yeah. Really? Yeah, because it's cable. You know, they don't, you can't subscribe to Tubi. Yeah, well, Black Luz chimed in on that one. As I first saw him look over and go, Tubi, hell yeah. Yeah, I love Tubi. I'm a big Tubi guy. Black Luz got his own seven movies directed on Tubi. Yeah. Yeah. Him and Kwan Mills. Bish got roaches in her crib. My pastor trying to eat my girl's dookie hole. TJ Miller's new special, The Philosophy Circus, is out now and streaming on YouTube. And again, you can catch him at the Comedy Zone, you know what room, in Jacksonville, March 27th to 28th, after that in Indianapolis, Virginia Beach, Bloomington for tickets and all of his tour dates. Go to TJMiller, doesnothaveowebsite.com, all spelled out. Thank you so much for being here. Can I say one more thing? Sure. The Philosophy Circus is, I'm really proud of it. And it's great, it's like philosophy, but it's also juggling, like cigar boxes. An audience member plays the trombone. There's terrible ventriloquism that's like inception style. So it's really worth watching, because you gotta see it to fucking believe it. And I remember I came on here to, this was pretty Robert Kelly. I came on here to promote my special, also on my channel, Dear Jonah. And I came in and for some reason I was positive that you would have watched it. And then I came in and I, yeah, even not, yeah. And I came in and I remember I was so hurt and confused. I didn't watch it when you brought it. Yeah, and I remember I was so hurt and confused. And I got on, I think it was Kate, but I told her, I go, he didn't watch it. And she was like, who is gonna watch it? None of us have any time to watch anything, not even our own shit. And I was like, have you not seen it? And Kate's like, no, no, no, I've seen it. But so yeah, check out the philosophy circus and AI Love You is gonna be a lot of fun to see. Thanks for coming in, you're always awesome. Thank you, and I really had fun on your podcast. Enjoy the prerecord tomorrow. Thank you guys for hanging out with us. We'll catch you next week, crackle, crackle. Keep the cuddles and lose the mess with Advantage Chewable. Just one tasty tablet killed Pleasant Ticks for a whole month. No mess, no stress. Just one tasty chew. Advantage Chewable. Pleasant Tick Protection made easy. Find out more at advantagechewable.co.uk. Easy to love, easy to protect. Advantage Chewable. I'm in the kitchen with Charlie Bigham. So what have we got here, Charlie? My brand new pan-fried pad Thai noodles. Noodles, but your Mr. Fish Pie Guy, guilty. And while ovens are all at roasting, the pan is king of noodling. Whether it's pad Thai, yaki soba or laxer, finding that perfect texture is a bottomless noodle rabbit hole. 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