143 | Morgan Detrixhe's Journey: From Struggle to Sobriety and Redemption

This is becoming undone. So at that time I was working at FC Dallas and I was working 60-90 hours a week and getting paid 40 and just really having a hard time with the work-life balance. And I know that athletic training in that position didn't make me drink the way I drink, but I knew that the way I drank and this work-life balance was really not working out well. And I was really torn. You know, I was trying to self-will it and control it. And I think probably for about a couple years into living in Dallas, you know, I thought I'll do a detox, I'll do a cleanse. You know, I kept telling myself that I was going to grow out of it and get, you know, get healthier and clean and sober and be able to do it on my own. I just, I really hit this place where I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol anymore, but I couldn't, I couldn't imagine not living with it and I just really felt torn. And I knew I couldn't do it by myself anymore. And so I went and saw actual help and that took me to a treatment clinic out in Plano. And I left my job at FC Dallas and I took four months to kind of get my life together and re-evaluate things. Hi everyone, I'm Morgan Dietri and I am undone. Hey friend, I'm glad you're here. Welcome to yet another episode of Becoming Undone, the podcast for those who dare bravely, risk mightily and grow relentlessly. I'm Toby Brooks, a speaker, author, professor and performance scientist. I spent much of the last two decades working as an athletic trainer and a strength coach in the professional collegiate and high school sports settings. And over the years, I've grown more and more fascinated with what sets high achievers apart and how failures they can sting in the moment can end up being exactly the push we needed to propel us on our paths to success. Each week on Becoming Undone, I invite new guests to examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart to falling into place. I'd like to emphasize that this shows entirely separate from my role at Baylor University, but it's my attempt to apply what I've learned and what I'm learning and to share with others about the mindset of high achievers. Welcome back to another episode. If all goes according to plan, this will be two in the same weekend, which for me these days is pretty remarkable. We're closing in on Thanksgiving holiday here in Central Texas, and I'm taking a little bit of a break from setting for finals to bring this newest episode to you. And I gotta say, it's one that I was particularly moved by. I always tell my students that I'm happy to connect with them on LinkedIn while they are my students in my classroom. And as soon as they graduate, we can be friends anywhere else if they invite me. I really do appreciate the chance to stay connected and see all the wonderful things that they go on to do. Oftentimes it's new jobs, new cities, new relationships, even new lives as they enter in a parenthood. But for today's guest Morgan Dietri, it's been more than that. It's been recovery. As her college professor, I never knew she'd struggled, but in recent months on social media, she celebrated in now three years of sobriety. I knew she'd had an athletic career that had been impacted by injury, and I knew she'd reached her dreams of working in professional soccer. But what I didn't know was the toll that alcohol had taken on her along the way. Today's episode is one of courage, clarity, and redemption. I sit down with Morgan Dietri, former student, gifted clinician, and someone who's story reaches far beyond the soccer field or the sidelines of sports medicine. From chasing her dream as a competitive athlete to battling addiction in the shadows, Morgan's journey is a powerful reminder that healing is not always linear. Sometimes, falling apart is exactly how we begin to fall into place. You'll hear about resilience, the quiet ache of perfectionism, and what it really means to recover out loud. Whether you're a healthcare professional and athlete or simply someone navigating your own path through pain, this one's for you. I hope you'll enjoy my combo with athletic trainer and friend, Morgan Dietri, in episode 143. Let's dive in. Greetings and welcome back, becoming undone as a podcast for those who dare bravely risk mightily and grow relentlessly join me Toby Brooks as I invite a new guest each week where we can examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart to falling into place. Well, I'm really excited about this one. Former student was always kind of a bright ray of sunlight in the front half of the room. You're always there on the right for me. Morgan Dietri, joining me today from the Dallas area. Morgan, thanks so much for joining me. Hi, thank you for having me. So today you are at Children's Health Andrews Institute for Orthopedics and Sports Medicine. You've got a history with FC Dallas. You are a sports medicine professional. I remember you from your days back at Texas Tech and several stories about you as a competitive athlete, but your story goes a lot deeper than that. Before we get into that, I always like to kind of start at the beginning. Take me back. What did you want to be growing up and why? So growing up, I'm from Born and Raised and Lomit, Texas, and it's funny how I ended up back at Texas Tech. It's like love, I could leave it, right? I was always a very active kid and I never wanted to be in one place. And my mom tried to keep me very busy with all kinds of sports and stuff. And for whatever reason, my dreams were to become a professional soccer player. I really thought that that was going to happen. It took reality and several injuries and whatnot for me to shift my mindset, but that I was not going to become a professional soccer player. And that's okay. But yeah, I think from my earliest memories, I really wanted to involve my life around soccer. Yeah. Well, I know a lot of us in athletic training and I usually use that as an intro question to a lot of my students is what sport did you play growing up and, you know, when did that end for you? Because most of us are hangers on and has bins and never wases and athletic training allows us to stay involved in sport. And when playing is no longer an option. So you end up at Texas Tech and eventually in my classroom at the HSC. So kind of talked me through the college years and how you made the decision to pursue that career. So I got involved with soccer at the age of four, but I was the little kid picking Dan Dandelions, you know, on the field and not paying attention to the game. And then it's funny because my dad had to pull me out of the game. This is what my parents tell me. And I'm over there on the sideline and I'm like, Mom, can I color, can I do the coloring both or whatever? And she's like, no, we're going to go sit in the car. If you want to play soccer, then you can go play soccer. And I was like, fine, I'll go play. And then once I admitted that I was going to go actually play, you know, I'm having fun, I'm chasing the ball around and then like actually involved in the game. And then I was like, Dad, that was fun. When do we get to go play again next week? And he's like, no, Morgan, that's the last game of the season. You're going to have to wait a couple of months. And from there, I really got into soccer. And I had a couple of college scholarships where in high school summer camps involved like going to different colleges and doing the little camps and just, you know, networking and trying to like engage with coaches on, you know, if I was eventually going to play for them. And my senior year, I had the female triad where you have your ACL, your meniscus and your MCL. I totally blew that out and ended up having to have that repaired and reconstructed in my spring semester, my senior year. So I lost a lot of offers and a junior college took a chance on me and brought me on. So I went from that junior college, lost that scholarship, went to another junior college and I was ejected from a car at that point. And so in the spring of 2014 is when I went back home to Lubbock and I guess we can get into those stories in a bit. But I went back to Lubbock and I decided, you know what? I'm not going to try to keep playing soccer anymore and I told my college coach that summer after the end of the semester, hey, I'm not going to come back in the fall. And I ended up staying at Texas Tech and finishing school. And through all my rehab processes of the knee surgery and the hip experience, I was like, I want to help kids get back into their sport after they have an injury and help them do what I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. And so that's when I finished undergrad and then got into the grad school program with you guys at Texas Tech. Right. Well, I think there's a really critical thing I want to kind of pull that thread there. You're a competitive athlete and a high level one. I mean, you're recruited by a number of colleges. And on one side, there's the physical side of that and soccer in particular requires a lead level conditioning. I always make fun of it as cross country with a ball. I know it's more beautiful and elegant than that for soccer people. But the cardiovascular conditioning, the speed agility, I mean, that's a lead level athleticism. And I know for myself, I always wanted to kind of squeeze every ounce I could out. So my grandfather was an alcoholic. I wanted to be the best athlete I could be. My parents smoked. I mean, I was terrified of addiction because I'd heard about the genetic link. And I wanted to be the best basketball player I could be. Talk me through a little bit about your perception or how you approached maybe your physical preparation in those early years and how maybe that played a role in your story later on. I took it all for granted. You know, I try to stay very active these days and I'm in fair shape for my age, but I am nowhere close to soccer shape like I used to be in. I used to play like five, 90 minute games in one week and sometimes and it just did not phase me. And so that's just, you know, there's that quote, you know, like youth is wasted on the youth. And I definitely took it for granted. My parents were very involved. They were very supportive. And they warned me about alcoholism running on both sides of my family with with my mom's dad and my dad's dad. And I never got to meet either of those guys. And you know, they warned me early on in high school like we're going to be careful. You know, we have alcoholism on both sides of our family and I just be like, yeah, okay. And I just didn't know what that meant or what that looked like. You know, I just thought I was a normal kid getting engaged with the party in life, you know. And I think the that being attracted to the party scene, it definitely messed me up at becoming the athlete that I could have been, you know. And like I said, I took it for granted. I'm going to hop in right here because I think it is a critical piece to not just Morgan's story, but to so many others. Now, I won't speak for everyone in my generation, but I will say that society's view on addiction, perhaps alcohol is most of all has changed significantly during my lifetime. On one hand, there was this persistent belief in the idea of the down drunk and this notion that people who couldn't control themselves or their liquor were somehow deficient. They were lacking. They made poor decisions. They were somehow morally bankrupt, more than the rest of the folks in town. Yet, at the same time, we were also specifically taught and told about the genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction. There was a growing awareness surrounding how your family line could make you more or less susceptible to addiction. I remember the first time I accidentally took a sip of beer. I was in my grandpa's travel trailer and I had set my mountain dew on the counter next to his drink, which I didn't know at the time. It was an accuser or something. Well without looking, specifically, I reached and grabbed and took a sip and it was perhaps the grossest thing I had ever encountered in my life. And from that one experience followed by the years that would follow in which I found out about my grandfather's battle with addiction, I decided in there that I would never take a drink. No means my perfect, but this struggle in particular is not one that I've had to battle. As my teachers instructed us about the genetic linked alcoholism and knowing what I knew about my grandpa, I was scared of death that if I ever picked up a drink, I'd never be able to set it down. So I kind of believed both of those truths simultaneously for decades, that struggling with alcohol meant a deficiency, but there was also a genetic link. But here's what we do know now. Based the decades of neuroscience and addiction research, we were never dealing with just bad choices. Addiction including alcoholism is increasingly understood as a chronic brain disease, one that affects the brain's reward, motivation, memory, and impulse control systems. It hijacks neural pathways and makes the pursuit of a substance feel not just desirable, but essential. And when someone has a genetic predisposition like Morgan described, it's not just about willpower. The brain might be wired to be more vulnerable to the effects of alcohol. Studies have shown that up to 50 to 60% of a person's risk for alcohol use disorder can be attributed to genetic factors. That doesn't mean it's destiny, but it does mean that some folks are born carrying a heavier load. This is why it's so important that we start using the language of disorder, not disgrace. Substance use disorder as a diagnosable, treatable medical condition, not a moral failing, not a character flaw. And until we fully embrace that shift, we're going to keep missing the point and losing people who never had a fair fight to begin with. For Morgan, although she'd heard her parents warnings, she never really considered how those genetic predispositions might impact her until they finally did. And my parents were involved. They put me in these camps. They put me. They had me practicing with a personal trainer. I was practicing soccer three to four times a week playing games every weekend. And then when college started, it's like a job. College soccer becomes a job. And I don't think I was ready to face that when college came around. Yeah. I laugh. I mean, I'm here in Waco now, but I am definitely a tech person at heart. And I get kind of a hard time from my colleagues sometimes. And one of my friends just last year, he had never heard. He said, if you can't get your grades up, get your guns up. And it just kind of broke my heart a little bit. And then to see somebody like Pat Mahomes, who's in the wake of celebrating a Super Bowl, he's drinking beers. And he's being asked by reporters, like, is that really the look you want? And I remember him saying, I went to Texas Tech. I've trained for this. I mean, definitely there's kind of a party school mantra around Texas Tech. You grew up competing. How would you say at this point, your athletic identity influenced your relationship with performance, with perfectionism, with pressure? And maybe how did being a Texas Tech morph that once you left being a competitive athlete? Yeah. Oh, man, that's interesting to reflect on. So the friends, my soccer friends that I grew up with in the competitive world, there was only a couple of them that continued to play college sports. And then there was a couple of them that locked in on school. And so most of us kind of stuck around in Lubbock. Some of us went to other universities. And I tried to stay in touch with a lot of those girls. But what happened when I wasn't playing soccer anymore, I started going to school at Tech. I got a real job working at Pure Water, Icenti Company. Because in Lubbock, we need Pure Water. And I found myself being attracted to people that I gravitated towards in high school, which it was like the party crowd or the athletic crowd. And I was losing my connections with the athletic crowd. And a lot of that party crowd was still in Lubbock. And that's where I drifted to. I still went to school. I still went to work. I paid my sister rent because I was living with my sister, Rochelle. And she's like, you don't need a little bit of mom and dad. You can live with me and pay rent. She was a really good sister. I didn't make me do it all by myself. And I don't know. I was able to get stuff done as a college student. But I did get involved with this crowd of people that kind of changed the way that I lived my life. And I don't really know. I tried to stay active. I joined in our mirror soccer and indoor soccer teams. But I would still find myself engaging in the party crowd before or after my fitness activities. If that makes sense. Well, I don't tell you to the outside world. I'm your professor and you're fit and you're fun and you're performing in the classroom. You've got it figured out. You're not just in college at this point. You're in grad school. And you're getting it done. And I will tell you, you sharing on social media, I was thankful for, but also a little, I don't know the word for myself, whether it was embarrassed or ashamed or I just felt like this was going on while our worlds were intertwined while you were a student in my program or in the program that I was working in. And to know that you were struggling with this, but you had this mask, I think it's safe to say, like you weren't, it's not like anybody goes and tells their professor, like their personal struggles. I get that. But there's just this kind of juxtaposition between who I thought you were and maybe what you were battling at that time in your life. So talk me through a little bit about what maybe that two years of grad school was like. I mean, you passed the B.O.C. professionally, you're making connections and you're becoming a clinician was the addiction simmering at that point or talked me through the timeline? You know, I think I was a blackout drinker from the beginning, my first drink, my first like initial drink or intentional drink was when I was about 14 or 15 years old. So through high school, my parents were very concerned, but they knew that I guess they saw their experiences as being high school kids, that that was somewhat normal. And they just, you know, kept me, I was grounded all the time. My mom had me on a travel team to Dallas to play soccer competitively. So I wasn't in Lubbock on weekends. She kept me busy. And maybe, maybe I used that as a coping mechanism for stress and preying a perfectionist and to succeed in my goals as soccer specific dreams. I'm not quite sure. I think there's a lot more I could go into with therapy down the road to dig into that more, but it's funny, you say that because in the recovery world, there's this part in our book that we read and it calls us Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And we do. There's two different realities to the outside world. They see us as fun, organized, respectable professionals. And then inside we're actually just falling apart. And it took what it took for me to realize my bottom in grad school. I looked at grad school as an opportunity to really help me grow professionally because when I was getting close to finishing college, I was still pretty lost. And I knew I wanted to be in sports medicine, but I just wasn't. I didn't feel like I had matured very much if that makes sense. And so I knew that grad school was really going to help me push me out of that comfort zone. And maybe I was thinking I'd kind of grow out of my alcoholic phase or my big drinking partying phase. And grad school kept me, they kept me in check because I was busy at clinicals and busy with gross anatomy for that first 12 weeks and really, really busy, right? And at this time, I was living with my parents. And so I think just subconsciously I wasn't as drawn to that crowd anymore. And I was focusing on this. Now don't get me wrong after big exams. I found my chances to party. And after a long day of clinicals and class and stuff, I would have a drink or two or three or whatever, you know. So it was definitely more controlled at this time, but I was still engaging in those activities. I just would say it wasn't as much as like Texas Tech bringing me to be, you know, I didn't have till gates all the time and we weren't going to chimneys after class anymore. Well, it's interesting you say that because you go from the structure of soccer and a demanding schedule and coaches and trainers and parents who are orchestrating a lot of your life. We see that in a lot of sports, but I think clear to see that for you, you were in that. And that gets removed. And then grad school maybe provides a little bit of that, but it's more self-imposed. It's not like I didn't tell you when you had to work on your projects. I just said, you have to get this done and it's up to you to get that done. Now you graduate and now you've passed the BOC. And at that point, it's like your life is yours to do as you please. Those external pressures or structures are no longer there. So where do you go from the graduation stage at United Supermarket, Zarina, to where we are today and how did that start to influence maybe your day-to-day living? Yeah. I think the BOC I was pumped, right? My parents were very concerned for me. I was letting loose, right? And applying to jobs and trying to figure out what the next step was. And I'm kind of stuck on reflecting how your point of view, like how you could help a student, but I guess we could come back to that. So moving forward into where I'm at now, right? So after the BOC, we're getting close to graduation, I let loose. I was having fun. I'm graduating. I finished grad school. I self-willed my way through grad school and I mostly kept it together. My mom, she's very concerned still because I was about to be living in Dallas by myself because that's where I wanted to be. When I admitted that I wasn't going to be a professional soccer player anymore, I think I really had dreams of helping youth athletes when they have injuries, working in the sports medicine, rehab clinic, like I'm at today. And also providing some like peer and outreach to the soccer fields, which I'm blessed to say that that's what I'm doing. And it's really cool to feel that, to fulfill that dream. But she was concerned for me to be living on my own in a big city where there's lots of temptation and everything. There was one incident probably right after we graduated before I found a position in Dallas working on orthopedic clinic. We went all went out to the roof. I mean, it wasn't even midnight by the time I got in a car with a stranger and thought it was an Uber. And the Uber brought me to my parent's house. And he was trying to open the door and get into my house and thank God, my dad answered the door. And he was like, Morgan, what are you doing? And I was like, sorry, I'm home, blah, blah, blah. And I just rushed in and the guy that drove me home just took off running to his car and got out of there. Like, thank goodness, my dad was there. So the situation, I put myself in, my mom was just like, what is she doing? And we were hoping that I was going to grow out of this. And for me to get through grad school and be getting away from that old crowd of people and surrounding myself with growing professionals. And then now this is happening again. She was very concerned. And so when I moved to Dallas, I don't know. I don't know what happened, but I just went right back into those old behaviors. I found people from Lubbock who moved out there and I just gravitated towards that crowd again. And they would judge me for working so hard and they tell me to come party more. But I'd be like, but this is my job. As an athletic trainer, we know that we're working 60, 90 hours a week to achieve these goals that we want to live in the sports world. And I just thought, when I get here, I'll be better. When I get here, I'll be better. And I keep crossing those lines and it would just get worse and worse and worse. I can tell you from the outsider looking in, granted social media is a sliver and it's a curated sliver. People put what they want to put up there. I see you're working with FC Dallas. I mean, I'm a proud papa in a lot of ways for so many students, never knowing, never having any inkling that this was going on. And as athletic trainers, we're helpers. We care about people and particularly the people that we know. So to kind of go back and maybe drill down a little bit on that idea of what maybe I or other faculty members, you are in that role now where you're working with young athletes. And maybe what are some questions we should be asking or what are some behaviors we should be seeing or how could your experience help you inform someone who wants to be there and to serve people who are maybe struggling like you are struggling? You know, when I have these kids come in and it's not just their first e-surgery, it's their second e-surgery. And then now they've heard something else and they just feel like they're in rehab all the time and they're not getting to engage in their sport. You know, I kind of remember being in that position where I was just like, I just want to play. And I think this at this point, this is a good time to offer different coping styles because this was when I was at the point where I was just really engaging in those party behaviors. And when I see these kids come in and I know they're burnt out and they're tired of rehab and they don't want to be there but their parents are making them be there because they need to get stronger. You know, they look tired. They look checked out. They look burnt out. You know, they're not sleeping. They're not eating. And I think we've always known to know those questions but those are things that I really look out for. And sometimes I'll ask them, I'm like, you were up till 4 a.m. and they're like, yeah, I'm like, what were you doing? Have you been, and I'll tell them like privately, I'm like, have you been drinking? You know, and a lot of times they're going to tell me no, you know, but I think that they know that it's on my radar that I try to be a safe place for them. And I let them know like, if there's anything that you need to talk about, like, I know you probably don't want to talk to me about it but whatever you share with me stays between me and you. And I just remind them that I'm a safe place. And we have opportunities for within our clinic now for sports bike and we have this lady that will refer to if parents and the patients are willing to go that route. You know, so I can't take on all of that but I can say, hey, I'm listening. I hear you, I feel you, like, this is what I think we should do. And I try to refer them off to, you know, see another professional that would best help them out in that way. Yeah. I think that's a great perspective and certainly your experience, you wouldn't have chosen it but it definitely has prepared you to serve and the minister in a way that if you hadn't been through that, you wouldn't be as well equipped to have those conversations. One thing that stood out to me in my conversations with people who have overcome tremendous adversity is oftentimes it starts with a single decision. There might have been a few points along the way that we see as rock bottom but at some point we've ultimately make the decision to turn and to pursue a different path. Take me back to the moment when you knew something had to change. What was your personal rock bottom and what would you say it's meant for your identity? Yeah. So at that time I was working at FC Dallas and I was working 60 and 90 hours a week and getting paid 40 and just really having a hard time with the work life balance. And I know that athletic training in that position didn't make me drink the way I drank but I knew that the way I drank and this work life balance was really not working out well. And I was really torn. I was trying to self-willed it and control it and I think probably for about a couple years into living in Dallas, I thought I'll do a detox, I'll do a cleanse. I kept telling myself that I was going to grow out of it and get healthier and clean and sober and be able to do it on my own. Now I didn't talk to doctors about it, I didn't talk to anyone specifically about it, I just thought I could do it. And the more I thought it, it was like the worse it got. And so at this time, before I started working at FC Dallas, I had my hip reconstruction done because from that car wreck back in when I was going to school in Kansas, I ignored my hip pain for like seven years and just thought, yeah, I broke my hip, it's going to hurt. And I went to, I got health insurance, you know, working as an effort trainer in an orthopedic clinic and they referred me to a hip specialist. I finally got that hit fixed and I thought, you know, I won't be in pain anymore, I won't be self-medicating anymore. I just thought that all of those things were going to really help down the road. And while at FC Dallas, you know, I just, I really hit this place where I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol anymore, but I couldn't, I couldn't imagine not living with it and I just really felt torn. And I knew I couldn't do it by myself anymore. And so I went and saw actual help. And that took me to a treatment clinic out in Plano. And I left my job at FC Dallas and I took four months to kind of get my life together and re-evaluate things. And then I sought out a new job opportunity. Yeah. And that's difficult on so many different levels, right? I mean, professional soccer as a clinician becomes almost like a substitute for those dreams young Morgan had of being a professional athlete playing soccer. And so shame oftentimes gets kind of just mixed in with this and guilt and self-inflicted harm psychologically or otherwise. You've walked a path that lots of folks maybe feel too ashamed to talk about. And there's a fine line. I mean, I know for my own personal struggles, I want to share just enough to be an inspiration, but I don't want to overshare so that people think I'm bragging about it, right? In your message back to me, when I asked you to consider being on the show, you said I like to say that I recover out loud so that other people know the way out. Can you tell me more about that and what that mindset's meant to you as you've navigated recovery? Yeah, I definitely relate to the shame and the guilt, especially in the beginning when I was lost and I didn't know how to move forward and I wasn't with FC Dallas anymore. Like that was a huge aspiration of mine. And then just to be like, I can't do this, you know, I'm mentally unwell and I just can't do this. I can't pour from an empty cup anymore and take care of this job anymore. I was, you know, I felt defeated. I felt like I failed, you know? And it took some time and being recovering from alcoholism for me to realize, you know, I have nothing to be ashamed of. You know, I'm trying to better my life and have a better future and be a better, be a better Morgan, be a better health professional, be a better member to my family, to society, you know? And that if someone would have planted the seed in me at a younger, at a younger age, maybe I would have been able to catch on faster, but I didn't really have that. I just had my mom telling me like, hey, this is, you know, you have alcoholism in your family and I just didn't know what that meant. I'm like, cool mom, you know, thanks for letting me know. And I guess she didn't really know what to look for either because she was pretty young when her dad died. And so all of that being said, we just, we're just trying to see what would happen. And I think, I think after growing and going through life and realizing like, hey, I was just sick. You know, I'm not a bad person. I was just sick. I've started to be more recovery out loud and share my experiences and I get hesitant like with this podcast. I'm like, oh gosh, you know, talking about it to the health professional world, you know, that's, that's a jump. But if, if I was really struggling alone and someone that I knew or was in the same medical field as me or whatever, you know, if I heard someone going through those struggles, I'd have some courage to, to be able to say like, okay, yeah, I can do this. The very first episode of this show was my interview with the incredible Joseph Skrczewski, a self-described addict, turned counselor, who has now ascended to executive director of the Hazelden Betty Ford Clinic in Rancho, Marage, California. I'm at Joseph as part of a week-long immersive program for healthcare providers called the Sims program that he helped build. Each year, hundreds of physicians, counselors, and in my case, athletic trainers get to spend a week immersed with the professionals and the residents in one of the most well-known drug and alcohol recovery programs in the world. To say the experience was eye-opening for me, does it a grave disservice? At the time, I personally was in a pretty dark place, struggling with depression and feelings of absolute worthlessness, but doing my best to hide it all. Everything about the nature and the treatment of substance use disorder was one thing, but seeing it firsthand, making changes in patients' lives was quite another. The facility was originally founded in 1982 by former First Lady Betty Ford, the sprawling 20-acre campus has a large water feature called Lake Hope that has a walking and meditation trail all around. The lake was built through a donation from the late Bob Hope who was good friends with the former president Gerald and his wife Betty Ford. And I'm just now realizing that this is where my love for lakes and water fountains and quiet prayer walks really got its start. Each day at the conclusion during the experience, we were given a few minutes to spend time in reflection. For me, I walked around the lake, thinking and praying, hearing that fountain and seeing that reflection. And for me, I was struck not only by the depths of my own sadness at the time, but for what I was learning and how it was changing each and every day. I went with no real expectation. I really didn't know what it was all about. I'd been chosen and I thought it would look good on my resume, honestly. Alcoholics and addicts needed care for sure, but I wasn't sure what that had to do with me as a professor and as an athlete trainer. And what I'd learn is in a word, everything. I quickly changed from judging the patients to being a maize partner. As they shared their stories, I learned about the struggles and the adversities that they faced, oftentimes early in their childhood. Without exception, I walked away from each group therapy session amazed at the bravery I had seen and heard the forming. I'd been assigned to an all-male group of eight guys. One was finishing up his stay and he had been there for almost four weeks. Others just a week or two. One had just gotten there the day before I did. All had put a full stop to their lives, sought care, and were actively working on themselves, all day, every day. I suddenly saw the irony. I thought I'd been so brave to put on my mask and try to just tough out my sadness without getting any help. That's what I had allowed society to tell me the tough guys did. At the same time, these eight guys who I'd silently judge probably were now the ones I saw with the real strength. To be honest, it breaks my heart to know that Morgan was likely suffering through at the very least a simmering alcohol abuse disorder while she was under my watch as a student in the program that I taught him. And it's easy to rip myself apart and retrospect. The reason I'm telling you this is because I know Morgan didn't have to accept my invitation to be on the show. And even if she did, she didn't have to share the likely painful memories of things she had done in the past. But she did. Because just like those eight guys in Rancho Marraj, she's brave. She not only wants to get better, she wants to be better, and to inspire better for others who are struggling through their own circumstances. For many of my students, the thought of working professional sports seems like the pinnacle. It's the dream. It's an absolute dream come true to arrive there. With the strength it would take to summon the courage to walk away from that in order to get better, I started near heroic. So there was definitely a big shift and that's happened over the years, you know, just over three years, over now. So yeah, I think, I think, you know, if we let people know that there's a way out, then they don't have to be alone anymore. A couple of things you said there that really resonate for me. First of all, the notion that addiction is illness. That wasn't something that I was raised. Like there was a town drunk and he had made poor choices and he was reaping the consequences of his poor decisions, right? That was what my perception of what it meant to be an alcoholic or an addict. And just like you said, you have an unhappy triad in your knee. You've got a hip surgery. I mean, physical injuries in aesthetic training, we treat those all day every day. There's no shame. There's no stigma associated with tearing your ACL. If an athlete's struggling with depression or anxiety, suck it up. You're weak. You know, why can't you just will your way out of this? And I think addiction is much the same way. We just don't have the compassion for it that I feel like we do with physical injuries. Have you seen that? Has that been your experience? Oh, yeah. I mean, even before I realized what was going on within myself, I judged even the people I had party with, you know, I'd be like, oh, you can't go to school. You know, you can't keep a job. I mean, at least I'm going to school. You know, I had, I felt very self-righteous. You know, I at least I don't look like you. You know, I'm not the homeless man drinking out of a paper bag, you know? And so I definitely had that stigma myself. And so admitting powerlessness and needing help, like that was, you know, I was just kind of torn. I'm like, I don't look like that. You know, I have a job. I'm going to work. It was a very difficult place to navigate, but I mean, I'm grateful I realized it, you know? And I don't know. You know, that makes me think about the kids I've been working with, you know, I keep telling them to push harder and, you know, I have my times of compassion. And then I have my times where I'm like, okay, I'm sick of you, Vali gagging. Let's go, you know? Oh. Yeah, no, one of my favorite coaches always says the key is sometimes we have to know when to hug someone around the neck. And other times we have to know when to give them a kick in the pants. And the best coach knows when to give that, right? And if I'm under performing and you hug me around the neck, you've just kind of encouraged me to just just send it in like you don't have to try hard here. And at the other end of the spectrum, if I'm hanging on by a thread psychologically and you kick me in the pants, who knows what's going to happen, right? So there's definitely an art to the science of motivation there. Another thing you said that is worth celebrating. My three year sober that that's tremendous. Congratulations on that milestone. Those milestones oftentimes, you know, to someone that's not been through it, maybe they don't understand the significance of those things. What was like the end of day one week one, year one, what has that meant for you in your recovery process? So I wouldn't be here without a higher power. And I found God and I'm really grateful for that because before any of this, you know, my parents took us to church occasionally. They grew up in the Catholic church. And I think they were pretty resentful at nuns and that whole system. And so they didn't force that on us. And so I wasn't involved with anything that led me to having a God in my life as a child. I was aware of it. I always believed in something. I just, I wasn't, I didn't have that relationship. And so going through treatment, you know, they encouraged me to find people who were going through the same things, finding a recovery group, you know, and getting connected and doing those things that silver people do in recovery. And you know, one day in miserable, one weekend miserable, you know, I didn't have that coping skill anymore in my therapist at the time was like, working, you're like a baby. We just took away candy from you and you have nothing to replace it with. And so what I learned is I had this spiritual malady. I was very, very sick, mind-body spirit. And I had to fill that with a relationship with God. This exchange doesn't encapsulate what it means to go from being undone to becoming undone. I don't know what will. Morgan grew up free to choose in things of the spiritual nature. Like so many in those circumstances, she never really found a connection to God or even saw the importance of having a higher power in her life. However, when alcohol had contributed to a life that was spiraling out of control, and her identity wants resting in soccer and career now untethered, she found herself in the midst of a full-blown purpose store. However, those winds and rains didn't come to destroy. They came to prepare. She found herself vulnerable, teachable, and yearning for a connection to something bigger than herself. That desire for connection to something deeper, truer, and enduring. It's at the heart of many 12-step programs. While not all who walked the road to recovery arrived with the defined faith or religious background, the invitation to acknowledge a higher power can become a lifeline. For Morgan, it wasn't about reading a creed or joining a church. It was about relinquishing the exhausting myth of self-sufficiency. When everything else had fallen away, faith had become the scaffold on which she began to rebuild. Her spiritual component of recovery doesn't promise an easy road, but it offers something more vital. Hope. It reframes weakness as surrender, not defeat. Dependence as connection, not shame. And in Morgan's case, God filled the void, the performance, perfection, and even well-intentioned ambition could never satisfy. Her story reminds us that transformation often begins not with strength, but with stillness. When we stopped trying to carry it all alone and begin to trust in something, someone greater. I was resistant. I didn't know what prayer looked like. I didn't have that kind of training. It was new. I found this woman that inspired me. She looked like she was living a full happy life. She gave me suggestions and recommendations. I took them. I stayed plugged in and we like to say you give service to those who are struggling and to give what we were given so freely out of someone else's free time, give that to others. And so being in this recovery world, I see people, life gets good, life gets better. They got the house back. They got the job back, all these things. But then they get complacent and they stop doing what's recommended. They stop letting on their higher power and they go back out. And some of them it works for them and some of them it gets worse. And I think there's a little bit of healthy fear in me that's saying, keep doing this because it's working and whatever I was trying to do before wasn't working. And so one weekend, one month in, one year in, three years in. This has been a new way of life that I can enjoy and be of service to others and be present at my job. And just be, you know, not every day I'm 100% because I'm human, but I am as I'm best as I can be because I choose this way of life, you know. So that's how I stay in it. Yeah. No, I've definitely sensed from several things that you've posted that you've found a purpose. Lots of times it said that we throw things that are way too small into God-shaped holes and whether that's success in sport or success in career or sometimes it's alcohol or drugs or relationships. I mean, sometimes these are really good things. Yeah. In an attempt to fill a perceived need in our soul, then only God can fill. And it's one of the reasons I love being at Baylor now and I love Texas Tech, but there were always, you know, there was a point in a conversation with a student where I had to stop short. It's a state institution and I respect that and I'm not going to try to lead you to the Lord in my office. Sure. At the same time, there have been conversations where I felt like that's what I wanted to say, but I wasn't really empowered to do that. So being at a private school allows me to maybe have those conversations. I can pray for my students before class. I can go that extra piece. And like you said, recovery is multifaceted. Our personhood is mental, physical, spiritual, social. If any one of those is missing, then the other three are unstable. It's like a chair with four legs. If the spiritual leg is shorter than the other three, the thing rocks, you know, it's not steady. It's unstable. And that's a piece that I have, frankly, from a distance watched you grow and it's been so awesome to see what this path that you probably wouldn't have chosen has allowed to grow in your life. And so that's really the core of this show is lots of times things don't go according to plan, but what sprouts in their place is even better and bigger and more beautiful than it would have been if it would have happened exactly the way we scripted it. Now, if you've seen your dreams and goals and ambitions morph and transition since you've started down this path to recovery. So it's cool because professionally I'm still working as an athletic trainer. I'm in that sports rehab clinic and I get to be out in the soccer field as much as little as I want to be. Lately, I've kind of taken a break from it because I got engaged and I got a house and life is good. And that was something I never thought I'd be able to have in my life. I never thought I could have a healthy relationship. You know, I never thought I'd get married. I never thought I'd be able to afford a house. So those little dreams right there, I mean, that's been huge and they're very materialistic in a way, but I'm also very grateful because in that place of addiction and alcoholism, I was very alone. I was dishonest myself. I was dishonest with everyone around me, my family, my colleagues, my professors. I just, I was alone. And now I live a life where I'm vulnerable with others. I have these intimate relationships with people. Women, I never really was a girls girl before. I was always like one of the dudes. And so now I have, you know, a sisterhood and I have God in my life and I have a healthy partner. And that's just a miracle itself. And I love that I can, you know, do my job now and not feel guilt or shame. And you know, moving forward, I still have dreams about soccer. It's kind of funny. I had one the other night and I didn't even think about it until you brought that up. But yeah, you know, I'm like on the field scoring a hat trick and, you know, I'm definitely not doing that these days. But I love that I can still be involved with soccer and it's not the center of my life anymore, but it's still a big part of my life. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, those are the ways that things have shifted and I just, and I've never would have even dreamed I was living this kind of life. And it seems like a simple life that most humans achieve, but not for the sale. It came at no small price. No. If you're to look down at, at your knee, you'll see a surgical scar. Your hip bears a physical scar. Sometimes in pursuit of big dreams, we encounter things we wouldn't have chosen. That surgery or that reconstruction, those kinds of things. Other times it's mental. The scars we bear exist only in our own mind. If you could go back in time and talk to Morgan without the scars, what would you tell her? That's a fun question. Morgan without scars was very impulsive. So she wasn't scared to make mistakes. And it's interesting. I don't want to tell myself what not to do or what to do because I wouldn't be who I am today. Right? So I would just encourage Morgan back then, not to be afraid to make mistakes, but to learn from those mistakes. And it's okay to make mistakes. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. Then be guilty of just keep learning and growing from those mistakes as you experience life. Morgan says that despite all she's been through, she wouldn't change anything because it would undermine the likelihood that she'd be where she is right now. I'm reminded of this scene from my favorite series of all time. And coincidentally, my only real connection to soccer prior to this conversation with Morgan fed Lyso. Yeah. Keys. Hey Jamie, what would you rather be? Liner panda. Coach, I'm me. Why would I want to be anything else? I'm not sure you realize how psychologically healthy that actually is. Yeah. I think that's what I would tell her. That's such a healthy viewpoint. Like I love the fact that the perfectionism isn't there because that's a lonely place. That is a self-destructive place. In giving yourself permission to learn from things that weren't exactly right. Maybe just for a long time, maybe wrong choice, whatever there's growth there. I can remember my very first interview for a graduate assistantship. I'll go ahead and name drop. I still hate them to this day because I didn't give me the job. But I interviewed at Auburn. A full interview with Auburn University. I don't blame them for not hiring me now that I deconstruct it because they I don't remember the question. But my answer was, I've never failed. I don't know how to fail. If you hire me there, I will bring success. I'm going to win. I win and everything I do. Just this idea, this naive notion of, I'm going to will my way to success. That kind of mindset is dangerous. A person that hasn't failed hasn't been trying to do the right things. And the fact that you have been through what you've been through and your perspective on it is, I wouldn't trade any of it because it would jeopardize who I am, where I am with who I am with. That's as healthy as it can be. I'm so proud of you for recognizing those needs, but also recognizing that the scars along the way are fundamental to who you are. I want to be respected every time. I'm talking with Morgan Dietrich, you're an athletic trainer and just all around awesome person. I so call you Dr. Brooks. You can call me Toby. That's fine. It's all good. He kind of alluded to this in your sisterhood and in talking about family, what role do the community play in your healing? Community, like these days now? Yeah, yeah, just the fact of the matter is a lot of times perfectionists think they've got to fix it on their own. There's a social aspect to healing as well. Talk to me a little bit about how the people around you have helped empower your success. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, in the very beginning, I was scared and fear, terrified, emotional, just crying all the time. These women, they just lifted me up and they said, let us love you until you can love yourself. They literally said that. I was in a place where I didn't have that kind of intimate. I had my mom. I know my mom loved me very much in my sister, but they didn't know the dark and the pain like I was experiencing. These women had been through it. They'd been there and they've grown from it and they had each other to lean on and then they were there for me. Without them, who knows what would have happened without them? I'm very grateful to them and now, as I can be one of those ladies for the next person that's there struggling and fear putting my arms around and saying, hey, it's okay. I think that's a big part of being a service to the community. I didn't have beforehand and I'm very grateful for that. That's something I take. A lot of my free time. I had one girl tell me she's 20 years old and she wasn't ready to accept a sobriety yet, but hopefully I planted a seed. She was like, so what do you do for fun? I'm like, this is what I do for fun. She's like, you're kidding me. This is not fun. I'm like, no, I love it. I love it. I feel like part of my purpose too is just to be there for the next person, the next woman that's reaching out for a hand for assistance. Yeah, I've consistently heard that from folks in recovery, just that notion that, what are you going to fill that with? What provides that release or that release for other things? So I love that. I've heard it said that when words aren't enough, we sing. Music often times expresses emotions that a lot of other things just can't. If we were to watch a montage of Morgan's life, what song would you pick to play in the background and why? Oh, wow. Okay. What song? Oh, I don't know. You know, I have a deep love. My dad raised me on rock and roll. So I'm thinking of like the who songs right now. Like who were you? That kind of song. And then I have, I don't know if you know much about like EDM, electronic dance music singers. There's a little bit of that coming in because it's fun and it's ump, you know, you know, that song by the who, is it font? I don't know. I just like the tempo and in the beginning, there's a lot of lyrics. So I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I can't think of one specifically that. No, it's all good. I have a mixtape basically. It's a Spotify playlist that I put together of all the songs of my guests pick. And so we've got that available. Well, it's folks want to follow what you're doing. For me in the right direction. Where could I point them toward to you and maybe your socials and things like that? Yeah, my socials, my Instagram, my Facebook, my email, mndetrui at gmail.com. And I'm okay with my phone number being out there to 9452490687. Anyone wants to reach out and they have questions or whatever. I'm happy to help. Anyway, I can. Yeah, I appreciate that. Well, for Morgan remains undone. It sounds cheesy, but being a mom, you know, I'm excited. I'm excited to grow a future with my partner and be a mom and raise kids. And what will that look like? I have no idea. He's like, how many kids do you want? I'm like four boys. He's like, okay, let's start with one. I routinely pull my phone out as I'm scrolling social media and I'll share my life. I'm like, here's another Métis grandbaby. Like, you know, children of my students. So we don't have any of our own, but I'm living vicariously through my students. Now the sand sings, I see their pigs. There's a few in your class that have some little ones running around. So that's awesome. All right, last little bit. I always stitch this in and if you can just introduce yourself and say, and I am undone. Hi, everyone. I'm Morgan Dutery and I am undone. That's awesome. Morgan's story is a powerful reminder that becoming undone isn't the end. It's often the beginning. Through injury, heartbreak and addiction, she discovered what it means to rebuild a life grounded not in performance or perfection, but in purpose, faith and connection. Her journey from hidden struggles to open recovery is one of courage, honesty and hope. And for anyone feeling lost in their own undoing, her path forward offers a light and an inspiration to follow. I'm incredibly thankful to Morgan for dropping in and I hope you enjoyed our conversation. For more info on today's episode, be sure to check it out on the web. Simply go to undonepodcast.com, backslash EP143 to see the notes, links and images related to today's guest, Morgan Dutery. I know there are more great stories out there to be told than I'm always on a lookout, so if you or someone you know has a story we can all be inspired by, tell me about it. For fun over to undonepodcast.com, click the contact tab in the top menu and drop me a note. Coming up on the show, I've got former University of Illinois women's gymnastics head coach, Natalie Wall, who shares how her transition out of division 1 sport has allowed her to walk fully in her calling as a consultant at a professional coach. Then I've got the incomparable Morrison Nelson, who's story began in rural North Dakota. As she transitioned from teen mom and a single wide trailer home to now owner and CEO of multiple multi-million dollar businesses, this and more coming up on becoming undone. And hey, if you're looking to go deeper, check out my brand new website at TillWeBrooksPHD.com. It's your hub for resources, speaking info, one-on-one coaching opportunities. I'd love for you to check it out, sign up for my newsletter and connect. Speaking of coaching, also excited to announce the launch of my all new all personalized, all-you coaching app at scienceofthecomeback.com. I've got a special price just for you. It's been built from the ground up specifically for those ready to turn their pain and a purpose and take real steps toward their comeback. Can't wait to share more. Becoming undone is a nitripe creative production written and produced by me, TillWeBrooks. Tell a friend about the show and follow along on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn at Becoming UndonePod. And follow me and my new socials handle at TillWeBrooksPHD. On Facebook, Instagram, X, LinkedIn and TikTok. Check out my link tree at linktr.iebackslash.tilWeBrooksPHD. 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