#3214 Southern Charm S11E11 Part Two: Born For Corn

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And that was a direct quote. But he really does say that about the stocks. Birkenstocks, Takenstock, Birkenstock. And by the way, if anyone decides to become a super premium sponsor whose last name is Birkenstock, you know that's going to be your nickname. Takenstock with Birkenstock. All right, what's up? What's up? What do you want to talk about? Well, I wanted to talk to you because, you know, your indecisiveness, which you admit and we laugh about. And he's like, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. I got kittens. I got tattoos. So I don't know what you're talking about because those are not indecisive things. Do I need to get a kitten tattooed? I mean, come on. He has a point. One of the most decisive, authoritative things you could do is to adopt a kitten. It's like, no, is this a little man who waffles? Which you can leave for days at a time, by the way, with just some food and some kitty litter. It's like getting a goldfish and being like, I'm showing decisiveness. How dare you? I'm so decisive. I decided to get kittens and use them to get a good edit this season. Decisiveness. Got a tattoo also. Shep's like, well, don't take it the wrong way. I mean, it's just me being your friend. I mean, like with Audrey, you know. And then we see thought bubbles pop up of Madison being like, ask questions. Just ask questions. Don't tell them what to do. Nobody likes a big boss. Just ask questions. And don't make them about Vietnam. Shep, nobody watch that documentary. and Shep like a true straight guy decides rather than asking questions and figuring things out I'm just gonna tell him what to do so he's like you gotta pick a lane and go man which is such an insensitive way if you're he's basically saying even though he's saying choose like either commit your girlfriend or dump her it's still like a pretty like I still think that Shep is leaning towards dump her and I don't know it's just like kind of a pretty harsh way to say it I was like well, look, I just, you know what? I really would rather not talk about it right now, to be totally honest. Okay, I'm being decisive. Like, this is like my version of adopting kitten, but in conversation form. I don't want to talk about it. But you understand that the ultimate form of respect is being like, this is how I feel, and it's not going to make you happy, and it's not going to make me happy, and it's actually going to break my heart and your heart, which is why I led that Taylor girl on for five years. He's like, look, I don't want to talk about it right now. You know, another place. Another time. Yeah, but you're my friend and your vulnerability is between me and you. Come on. You're as vulnerable as an egg being dropped on the ground by Taylor in the middle of an amazing race. I have immense vulnerability. Yeah, no, let it out. Let it out. Come on. I want to feel it. I do. I do. To multiple people. I've talked about it with countless other people. Okay. I talked to Madison. I talked to Rod. I just haven't chosen to talk to you, okay? That is where my vulnerability ends. So do Madison and Rod have a more elevated idea of where your head's at right now? Is this why they kept on looking at each other and giggling and then pointing their fingers at me and saying stupid and then giggling some more? Yes, Shep. They know me better. You know why? Because I feel like you have reveled. You have reveled, Shep. And I don't like that. I don't like it. And we see seven weeks ago at Witt's literary dinner where Shep is doing his whole, oh, these two moron girls came up to me in New York like, oh, Austin and our friend are talking and I called Craig. And Shep's like, well, I thought we were past that. And Austin says, no, we're not past it. We are immensely not past it. Immensely. Immensely. Immensely. So Shep is like, you just can't take things personally in a friendship, which is hilarious that Shep is the one saying that. because friendships ebb and flow, and I don't take anything personally. Unfortunately, Austin didn't get that memo. He takes things very personally. He's more sensitive. He also has never worked in an office, so he doesn't even understand what the concept of a memo is in the first place. I'm not going to run around and be like, guess what? That's just not what I'm trying to do, dude. He's like, well, I just don't know that anymore, man. Okay, I don't know anymore what you're trying to do. Okay? Austin, well, everything I tell you, I have to worry about whether you're going to run and tell somebody, and it fucking kills me, dude. It kills me. Kills. Bah. So the next morning. Is the next morning just going? Yeah, for those who are just only listening to audio, that was just envision saliva just going everywhere. So the next morning, people waking up. Craig wakes up in his tent. Is he the only one who got stuck in a tent, by the way? There were two tents, But I guess he's the only one we see wake up. And then he's like, hello, world. And I don't know. Now it's another 20 minutes of people waking up. Yeah. Brushing their teeth. Talking about last night. We see a Sally flirting scene with Austin. They're standing at the bar laughing. And Sally's like, eat my ass. And he goes, did you say eat my ass? She goes, I did. I did. Austin's going to be eating this ass before the end of the year, y'all. and she tells us yeah i mean like if there's a guy like i usually go for it until he says this is absolutely not gonna happen i mean well okay he doesn't have to say it but a piece of paper that says stay away 30 feet from this man i will occasionally stop so i mean i can still go near his tires with a razor or screwdriver you know what i'm saying sally you don't have to explain this to us we've seen the chickens we know you will do whatever it takes yeah sally we know so Austin and Rodrigo's cabin and I was like, oh my God, kill me. I mean, all right. Seize the day. Seize the day. He's actually saying this to himself, which I'm like, does he wake up every morning with like these mantras? Um, so I didn't know people actually said seize the day when they woke up. I thought that was just like something for coffee mugs. So Austin tells us typically in this situation, I would call Audrey right now and I would download her on the entire night. And it's just like really sad not to be able to tell her. I wish I could just call her and be like, Sally wants me to eat her ass out, but I can't. It's just really hard for me right now. You know, sometimes you want a reaction. I want to be like, Sally said to eat her ass out. And so I just wanted Audrey to say something like Audrey would say, you know, like, God, this traffic sucks. Or, geez, I hate traffic. God, I miss her. Or I love when Audrey says something like, wait, but I'm in traffic right now. Are you telling me you're not even in Charleston? You went away for the weekend. And I go, ha, whoops, forgot to tell you. When I left my house, the maps weren't red, but now they are. And this sucks. God, I love her updates. So Austin says he has an emotional hangover, you guys. Guys, I'm feeling for Austin right now. I'm so sad that Austin's fake relationship didn't work out, you guys. So now Wittner is going to the main cabin. He sees his mom. And they're like, did you sleep? Did you sleep? I slept. Did you sleep? God, I love family time. So now we see everybody staying up really late last night and partying until like 3 in the morning. And Vanita and Austin chugging wine. And Beth is like, how late were you up? And it's like 4 in the morning. Oh, yeah. So now they cook breakfast. and Madison is now 34 weeks pregnant. And she's like, wow, it's hot. I'm starving. I want to have this baby. I'm so sick of this shit. Get out of me, dumb little baby, little blood sucker, little vampire. Get the hell out of me. Outside, Craig does some random parkour over a tree. He's like, oh my God. Just jumps over a beam. He's like, yeah. I'm a lawyer and a storyteller and a parkourer. So Whitney's like, I mean, Wittner is like, did you sleep okay in the tent? He's like, I was so cozy. It was so nice. It was amazing. So people are still coming in, still filtering in. Again, a lot of people drifting into rooms in this episode. A lot of people arriving. Another two pages of people saying good morning. So then Austin is like, please wit, grits. Because breakfast is being served. And Shep's like, who wants Craig's honey? And so we see Craig getting honey from the beehive and saying, wow, bees, you have so much pollen i can't wait to taste it wow and so they're pouring honey on their stuff and they're like wow this is good honey craig and he's like yeah nailed it did it myself and austin goes is it actually honey give it to me i love that like craig is such an unreliable narrator they're not even sure if it's really honey so uh then now they're going to divide up in the day do different things and Whitner's like we can do fishing we can do some canoes and Charlie's like I want a canoe me too so we're gonna have a romantic canoe scene coming up guys and then Whitner's gonna take the remaining girls on a tour and Madison is she's gonna leave because you know she's basically in labor so she like yeah I convinced I gonna have this baby early like my body just telling me no way I going to go another six weeks with this dumbass inside of me So she leaves And now Molly Vanita and Sally get into the red Jeep And you know what I get annoyed about. You can already, right? You already know what I'm going to get annoyed about. You don't like cars without walls. No. I mean, yes, but that's not the issue. My issue is, like, they're with Wittner. And Vanita's, like, in the back of this Jeep. and she's like standing up like she's in the beach scene of She's All That. And yes, I have already referenced She's All That once this episode, but I'm not afraid to reference it twice. And she's just like standing in the back of the Jeep. They're just driving on these rough and tumble roads with low-hanging branches. I'm like, ma'am, sit down. I am sick of the way that people are just flouting safety laws with vehicles on this show. I do not like it. Last thing, I'm still upset. They showed the clip of it again from the top of the episode. They show the clip of again of Charlie sitting crisscross applesauce in the center seat with no seatbelt on on a highway. I mean, like it's it's maddening to me. Maddening. Safety, guys. Buckle up. Where's the safety? For real. So now Craig comes out of the bathroom. He's going to go. Craig comes out of the bathroom. It's just me scanning random notes. OK, so they're going to go do the canoe ride. And they go up to some horses. Sally and Wittner go up to some horses and Sally's like, yeah, I'm going to eat your ass out tonight. Wittner's saying, oh, that's Max. He's the big white one. He's old. And Johnny and Thor, the Mustangs. Well, I've always liked an old horse. There ain't no age shame in here. He can't even top out a cease and desist. I'm in. You know that Austin's not with us right now. Oh, thank God. Okay. Can we do something else then? I'm bored. so i always wanted a horse named but i wanted i always wanted a horse named blue jeans like hannah montana oh how do you call a horse you just say come here come here horse and whitner's like okay when you're feeding them watch your fingers and of course sally like sticks her fingers right like close the horse's mouth and she's like ah like watch your fingers dumb ass watch your fingers you get animals yeah she's an animal screamer it makes me crazy she gets chickens and she's like every time she has to do anything just shut up the chickens are screaming why do you get to scream poor chickens poor horses chickens poor the guys are just leave them alone sally so austin rodrigo and shep are going off to go fishing uh and they have to um they have to like what like bait their heads what you call it baiting the hooks or something like that they basically put worms on hooks like old-fashioned fishing and um they are all grossed up by this they're like horrified and jeff is like oh gosh i don't want to touch it it doesn't have pretty little freckled lips i hate this this is gross and austin's like you're supposed to be a fisherman he's like well we don't use worms we use flies that are tied by professionals he's like oh geez i don't do manual labor what is this i'm confused i'm sad i'm scared i'm a little boy yeah so austin calls it and he's like yeah chef travels around the world to go fishing but clearly he just has his guides beat his hook i mean he just said that he did so yeah he's like where's the service around here so then uh charlie and craig are on their little mermaid canoe trip it's like i'm expecting those little i'm expecting sebastian to pop up and start being kiss the girl um so they uh they get onto their canoes but before they do that charlie is like very panicked about poison ivy i don't know I'm surprised that she's so panicked. I feel, I just sort of have this assumption that like all these people from the South spend their afternoons, like walking around in the woods. Like I just feel like I've, I have so many like ideas of like what the South is like from like fried green tomatoes and mud and all these like Southern Gothic movies of like, you know, kids building forts and crossing rivers on trees and swinging on rope swings that I'm less surprised that there's someone that's more like me to be like, Oh my God, is that poison Ivy? Oh my God. Oh my God. I mean, we do do all that stuff that you just said. I mean, I did have forts and I did cross rivers and we did have a tree rope hanging from a tree that we would swing across the ditch. We did actually do all that stuff. But, you know, poison ivy also is itchy to us as well. I just thought Southerners knew how to inherently avoid the poison ivy from all their playing in the woods. While gentle music plays in the background. It'll get you wherever you are. so um there i was impressed that they got onto this canoe because they didn't really seem to know how and they're you know of course craig's like i know how to do it but craig also pretends he's a cook and he doesn't know how to use a cast iron skillet to make bacon so i don't know but they did it they did it yeah i thought they were gonna i thought they were gonna capsize honestly they were shaking around so much i was like this is this is bad news and i also the other thing is i was scared for them because i feel like that every like every year there's some story of someone who it goes like camping or like who goes swimming in georgia or like alabama who then like like an amoeba goes up their nose and then they die right like i feel like there's always an oddly enough story like a terrible story of someone who lost all their limbs because there was a bacterial infection from the watering hole they went swimming in in the south that just happened uh at the lake I live by in Texas in Lakeway. Yeah, there was a, there were brain eating amoebas in the lake and they were like, you guys can't go into the lake front. They, they gave it, they gave us like a date. They were like, you can't go into the lake between this day and this day because there's a brain eating amoeba. I was like, yeah. And you guys are sure it's going to be gone by this day. Did the brain eating amoeba tell you we'll be gone by the 17th? I mean, how do you know? I'm never going to that thing again. It's like Angel from Potomac. It's like, I'm sorry. you have to be out of here by July 1st. Yeah. We're going to go later from the Airbnb people. Like, Brain Amoeba, Brain Amoeba still got the place, all right? We'll make sure they do their dishes before y'all move into the lake. I know. And for sure, all these scary things exist in lakes and ponds in the north as well. But I just feel like for some reason there's more news articles about so-and-so went hiking in the Appalachian Trail and decided to take a dip in a river and like came back covered in leeches. I mean, I feel like all these, all these coming of age tales are always people getting bitten by snakes in a river in the South or something like that. Well, if they were covered in leeches, they were probably just at the doctor or something, you know, it's called medical, it's called medical attention ban. Listen, and for anyone in the South who's like, I can't believe all these stereotypes this man has about the Southern nature. Just remember that I'm a podcaster and a storyteller. Yeah. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial. at shopify.nl that's shopify.nl so charlie and craig do that thing that um i'm convinced that all good couples are just really boring because i've never i was a waiter for a really long time and i just never met a fascinating couple that was happy because and this is an example of what i mean they get on the the thing the canoe and they go out in the middle of the water they don't say anything they just look around And then they go, this is fun. This is fun. This is so nice. This is really nice. Wow. This is all I've ever wanted. Me too. You guys are so boring. At least they find each other and like kind of put themselves off from the rest of us. So she's like, this is so romantic. I feel like I'm in the notebook. Yeah, I do feel like a piece of loose leaf paper sometime. No, it's a movie, Craig. It's a movie. I feel like I'm in a Trapper Keeper. what'd you say about me um so charlie's like uh yeah this is really fun like i'm convincing myself i'm having fun it's like it's always like when it always isn't really fun when it's just me and you and then we get around sally and just like it's hard to like i try to get excited about us but like you know you just have these people that just try to kill joy you know like sally she's such a bitch she's always trying to ruin everything why she's so mean god she's the worst person i've ever met in front of life. Do you know that she's responsible for every time America loses at the Olympics? It's because of her fault. Yeah. Craig being like, wow, it's so fun until other people ruin it like Sally. It's like, okay, so you're bringing in the negativity. Come on. Just have a nice day being boring with this girl on the water. So then back at the Wormfish and Adventure, no one can do it, basically. But Austin gets a fish. He gets a little fish. He does. you know, Rodrigo's like, oh my God, you stupid bitch. I think he's talking to the fish. Isn't it awesome? It's like, I'm going to name this fish Audrey and now I'm going to cast it off. There you go, fish, back into the waters. So Shep is watching and after he gets the fish off, so Austin's like, well, what can you say? How can, how do you feel about this, right? Catch and release, catch and release. that's the name of the game catch release and austin oh i should say shep was doing that shep was doing his austin impersonation guys and austin is like no well okay how can rod say that he's engaged he doesn't know anything about catching releases he's just catching boring right yeah but he also doesn't talk about it how he's trying to release all the time oh shep you know what i'm you know what man you know what you asked me about it and i didn't tell you all right well you want to talk about it now no i don't want to talk about it i already talked about it with people aren't you so i don't need to talk about it with you okay well i guess we'll have that friendship where we pick and choose what we tell each other okay well in all honesty okay it had to happen at some point or another so i uh uh i uh uh i just say it what are you so scared about this is so weird now you're just saying you dumped your you you dumped you dumped your beard just say it yeah stop like you're basically vague posting right now it's getting annoying so he's like Yeah, we're broken up. So Shep is like, gosh, I'm happy that Austin finally followed his heart and was able to be honest with himself and now the two of us can gang up on Craig So Austin like can you just like cast this line okay this is very okay this was just a very difficult very difficult for me to breach this topic or even broach it but to breach it was even harder well austin i think it's very big of you you know owning yourself looking inward the man needs to be honest always always that's what the man does he's an honest he's an honest being well that's what it came down to and rodrigo's like well you're figuring out your own shit and i'm giving you credit for actually doing the right thing and having the conversation and as brandy carlisle would say stop that no one knows who that is she's not a real person uh so now vanita's uh over with whitner and Vanita and all them. Vanita's like, pool time. Can I eat an apple off the tree? And he's like, you can try. I mean, good luck. Good luck. I'm not going to be doing a tiny like crab apple. I'm not pulling that off any tree. So they sort of like gather. There's going to be some swimming and stuff. And Sally and Vanita and Molly kind of like gather in this little cabana area. and um and basically like vanita offers sally a bite of the apple because vanita is saying the apple is actually really good so sally takes a bite and it's like oh my god that is really good vanita goes see i told you it's not bad gotta start listening to me again which is a really bratty thing to say and it kicks off the big fight of the episode you're a good old-fashioned apple fight wouldn't you love that if i was listening to you she's like i'm just so over this shit because sally's crazy and sally's like i thought we got over this yesterday what the fuck is going on and vanita's like well i thought so too but you put me in a lot of shit that i'm not in and it's crazy to me she's like well that's weird okay let's just talk it out then because i feel the same way so now witness between them listening to this and he goes guys let's keep a clean fight above the belt because mama's here okay mama's around mama's gonna know if we're fighting she's not gonna like it listen vanita i love you to death but like you know what did i put you in okay anything i've ever brought you in you've said you've done it you know and so molly joins them and sally's like um you tell me information and then you're the scapegoat and i'm the scapegoat i mean i'm your scapegoat specifically and venina's like well i brought you i brought it to you and i said to you do not bring this to the group and molly's like well why are you coming for me because like both of you are doing this thing because this is about the vagina commentary i believe primarily yeah and vanita's like it's because i mean why are we talking about this again it's so the show needs to do something it's so boring and vanita stopped starting arguments that you're not going to finish you are the one who brought this up you were having a nice day eating an apple from a tree why are you doing this it's so stupid and so vanita's like well it's because of sally it's because of sally and sally's like vanita came over to my house and she told me you were talking shit about me at lunch and so we see this cliff and vanita really has no leg to stand on here we see vanita go over there she's swimming with with sally and she's like well i had lunch with molly and she's not a big fan of yours i don't think oh and she got her vagina redone i mean who's funding that who is funding that yeah this is the big thing and vanita's like you know uh sally's like of course i'm open to hearing shit about you because you just finished telling me molly was talking shit about me basically sally saying yeah i was messy about the labioplasty because i had just heard that molly was talking shit about me so of course i'm like yeah sure give me the gossip i'm okay with it because i fucking hate this girl right now so vanita's like well i think the really the real difference between you and i right now in this moment and whitner goes is that really an important distinction it's just whit shut the fuck up. This has nothing to do with you. Okay? And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So baseline, we're of the opinion that salacious bullshit is inappropriate and wrong, right? So they're like, we don't understand this legalese. We sense, Wittner, that you're trying to apply logic and simple lawyering to a stupid argument, and we reject it. We do not want to hear your common sense commentary. So basically, it's like, I'm speaking. So she says, I feel attacked. I feel betrayed. And if she really wanted to talk to me about the situation it would just be her and i i'm like well it kind of was the other two just sat down and like it's this is not a big big group scene and molly was one of the affected parties i think that's okay maybe you can ask whitner to leave if you really want to but even beyond all of that she brought it up she's the one who started it she brought this art they were having a good day and vanita starts an argument in front of in front of the people she doesn't want to be arguing in front of it's like make make it make sense come on vanina Well, she says something passive aggressive, which is slightly different than starting an argument. But but by being passive aggressive, she opens the door for an argument, basically. Well, she's passive aggressive. But then when Sally is like, what? She's like, well, it's because you keep putting me in shit, Sally. And then in and in. So she's the one who brought all this stuff up again. And then she's like, I can't believe she's coming to me. She's coming at me in front of everybody. It's like you do. You're doing it. Stop. But we see the show. We see what you're doing. you start it and then you cry that everybody's coming for you which are not really even i think they're being very pretty like what are you talking about venina i thought we got over this she's like how dare you i can't do this yeah venina's just like a little bit all over the place here so she apologizes to molly and she says you know i'll say it as many times as i need to for her to start working towards the healing process she's like i'm sorry like you told me about your labioplasty and i'm sorry basically for gossiping about it and sally's like and i'm sorry for hurting you too, Molly. And Vanita goes, I'm sorry for saying ill things about her that were not true and carrying things. She basically apologized for all the gossiping. And then she's like, and that's it. And so I was like, that's it? You're not going to apologize to me? She's like, no, because I hurt her feelings. And Sally's like, well, I just feel like a lot of shit's been tangled and repeated and it just really felt like you were trying to pin us against each other. And so what, Vanita? I mean, you know I care about you. You know about that. And Vanita starts crying and walks away. That's what Vanita does. You're better sometimes at remembering these details than I am. Because sometimes I just, I think the things I don't care about, I just let them sort of like breeze right through my brain a little bit. And what does Vanita have to apologize to Sally for, in your opinion? I don't know. I'm like, I don't know either, actually. I'm not sitting here waiting for an apology for Sally for anything. Because Sally did take that. But Sally did take gossip that Vanita was giving her and run off with it. So I don't think Vanita owes her an apology for that. I mean, there was all the Craig stuff that she was like, don't date Craig. And then she was a little spotty when Sally did get kind of dumped or whatever. I think that's what the apologies should be. Even though they weren't dating. But I don't know that Vanita really owes Sally an apology. Maybe for just being too much in that Craig situation. But the thing is, it's all over. And they're all fine. And I think they're just trying to come up with things to argue about because they're on a cast trip. and they feel like that's their job and there's just nothing going on. And so they leave everybody taking sides in a stupid fight. I mean, I do read some of the comments online on this show. And it's crazy how people get so upset over Vanita or, you know, like the Vanita and Sally fights, like how mad people get about them. Because to me, it's nothing. Like to me, there's nothing going on really. There's no there there. I think that like maybe Vanita could apologize for, yeah, being a little bit more extra about the like, don't come calling me when the, I mean, she didn't even say it like that. She just was like, well, just don't talk. Like, listen, I've warned you. So don't come calling me when he like breaks your heart. But like, so maybe the apology could be that like a friend is there for you no matter what. That's basically what her mom said. But I think that like, honestly, that's only if you're like really looking for something. if anything it's really sally who owes vanita the apology because vanita is beefing with craig whether the motivation is because she wants to be on summer house or not the point is she still is beefing with craig and sally was like yeah i understand you're beefing with craig but i'm gonna go after craig like she wasn't being like wasn't backing her up so like if anything i think like sally was vanita i don't think i don't think either one of them oh no another one of them strong case they've already gotten over it i don't think any apologies are due right now I think they just need to stop. I think what they're fighting about right now is Molly because Sally is saying, well, you started this whole thing with me and Molly. And then me and Molly went to lunch and realized we don't even dislike each other. We're only fighting with each other because you were starting shit and saying stuff about the labia. That's also not true. No, no, it is true. No, because Sally was talking shit about Molly first. So Sally was talking shit about Molly and then Vinita just gossiped about it. And Molly found out. And then Molly or someone gossiped. Maybe it was Leva. I don't really remember. Someone told Molly. We just saw the clip of Vanita saying, well, I don't think she's a big fan of yours because Molly was saying, well, Sally is always going after every guy in the thing or whatever. No. I love that we're like dissecting this stupid ass thing. But if you remember, if you remember, Ronnie, if there was. So Vanita tells Sally that Molly is not the biggest fan, but Molly was getting annoyed at Sally. initially, the whole reason why Molly was even having like a little rant was because it got back to her that Sally was making fun of Molly for crying at the first party of the season. And I, I just, I just don't remember who told Molly that maybe it was Vanita, maybe it was someone else. But, um, the point is that Sally was talking shit originally. Like, yes, Vanita was the messenger. Vanita was messy, but you know, but Sally was not like doing nothing. Sally wasn't just washing a dish and then a fabrication was made about her. Sally was making fun of Molly. She was, she was doing it originally. She wasn't the worst thing in the world. It was honestly like, honestly, it was fairly inoffensive. And I think that Molly actually had a little bit of an overreaction to that. But the point is that Sally is, is whipping up a narrative that Vanita is pitting them against each other. And I think Vanita is just being messy. I don't think she's being like, let me tear these two apart. And I think Sally is thinking that she's owed an apology because Vanita is is somehow being Machiavellian and needs to apologize for that. And that, I don't think, deserves an apology. Manita could apologize for being messy, and she does. She actually does do that. Anyway, I whip myself into way too much of a frenzy over a fight I literally do not care anything about. Yeah, I mean, I wish I could care, because, I mean, it's kind of like our job, I guess, in a way. I just don't. They're trying too hard. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So Vanita gets up and walks away crying which is kind of par for the course And Sally like if you want to keep walking away every time it just never going to get settled Come on let move on from this and be friends again But she's like, oh, I'm supposed to apologize for something I don't understand. I mean, I don't even know what they're fighting about. It's ridiculous. So then Molly's like, are you OK? And Sally's like, I'm OK. It just pisses me off. I'm just mindfucked by everybody in this fucking group. Everybody's mindfucking me. Well, at least your mind is getting laid. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Someone's eating the ass out of my mind. Charleston, three days later, we go to Patricia's house. And it is time for Chauncey's little dog funeral. Sad. It's also time for animal welfare to get to this house. Because what the fuck is going on in this house? We see the pet cemetery. There's like 30 things there. There's like 30 plaques. What's going on? And who are these people? Are they butlers? Because I'm starting to believe that these are not all animals. Are these ex-people who worked in your home in some way and just didn't make the martini right? They didn't come when the bell was called. Who are all these dead people? Tell me the truth. Randy, I'm noticing an extra headstone, tombstone in the graveyard. What's going on with that? Oh, I buried my phone. I thought that would be okay if we could honor my phone. Randy, I'd appreciate it if you'd get to the pet cemetery and dust off the stone that says Randy. Need it soon. Sometimes I like to get ahead of the game. So this dog funeral turns out to be basically just Whitney, Patricia and Austin. And so, you know, Whitney goes over all the animals that have been there. He's like, okay, I mean, all of her fucking animals were like, I mean, 15, 17 years. We've had a lot of them. Kitty Kelly, Rocky, Smoochie, Toby, Poofy, Poopy, Maria. A cat. Oh. Allison. A cat named Ashley. Oh, gosh. Eleanor. She raised me. She raised me. Wait, we're still talking about cats? Yeah. Yeah, there's a cat named Ashley. Which I was like, oh, wouldn't that be amazing if it was just a cat that just had the water buffalo hair. And all the people that have wronged her. Coop. Coop, the original gay guy on this show. Hey, why does it say Thomas Ravenel? I heard that. I like the one that was named Kitty Kelly. I think that's really funny. That was very funny. So, yeah. So, there's like all these dead animals there. And Whitney's like, wow, I didn't even know we had a cat named Ashley. That's amazing. I'm like, I didn't even remember that there were cats in this household ever. I thought it was just purely dogs. Maybe in the early seasons, there were cats. The Kitty Kelly sounds vaguely familiar from this show. So Whitney is like, yeah, it borders on animal hoarding, the amount of animals that we've had in the pet cemetery. And that's discounting our four or five, six dogs and cats that we've had that have been cremated but are in her closet yet to be buried. in your closet. That's the cat closet. It's where I keep all the dead cats. Yikes. And these are Chauncey's ashes. So he'd like to shit here. So let's grab mom. We'll come out to Chauncey's shitting place and cry a little. So they go outside and Austin's like, how I see friendship is literally being there for somebody when they need you. So I'm very honored. Patricia asked me to come over to speak. So that's the tie-in to the rest of this episode that like it's a meditation on friendship and then this represents true friendship because he's been called upon to say some kind words, which is also one of the first times that someone has probably ever been like, hmm, we need to have someone to say some kind words. Let's have, we need a speaker who is going to put our uneasiness at ease. Let's get Austin Kroll. Austin, thanks for coming, darling. Thank you for doing this. You know, Chauncey loved you. He was nice to other people, but you were the only person who really slobbered on him as much as he slobbered on you. Yeah. So then a bagpipe, they go outside, a bagpipe player starts playing Amazing Grace. And, you know, they've done so many over the top things for dogs that you sort of like, you know, my instinct is to be like, oh, this is just another kind of like, you know, tongue in cheek kind of over the top dog thing. But it's actually quite sincere. like patricia's very very sad and and you know emotionally moved by this and especially the part where she said i'm sorry what are you playing i asked you to play amazing race i love that theme song so austin gives a speech and he's like oh hey uh Friendships are chips And chips are ships And chips you eat Why can't we eat chips To friendships Delicious Wow that was so nice Thank you Austin Scene right now You know what John sees a noble companion A four-legged tongue dangling potato With the spear of a lion And the mental fortitude of a toddler No that's just you That's just you Say something nicer We're not going through cast biographies Right now He was a couch warmer A confident snack stealer A friend And those who knew him Knew that he What he lacked in brain power He more than made up for In spirit Enough about Craig It was in spirit Spirit Well I'm glad we brought this umbrella Because it's raining out No it's just me spitting probably Speaking of chips I think I just got a piece of one in my eye Were you eating chips? I was Delicious kettle chips Pickle chips Delicious So now Vanita is giving her dog Charles A breath mint And I was really glad to see Charles That's the one cast member I always miss I actually miss Chauncey too That was a cute dog All the clips they showed of Chauncey being cute With his little tongue hanging out of his mouth I like those dogs always just look terrified, but also perfectly comfortable. Chauncey was a king. I love Chauncey. He was a cute dog. He was a sweet, sweet dog. So Charles got a breath mint, and Vanita's doing a mask and FaceTiming Madison. And Madison's like, wow, I'm just getting my hair done by Patrick at the hospital. Getting that baby out of me, little soul sucker. So, yeah, she's going to be, baby's coming out tomorrow morning at 8.06 a.m. so it's all happening her water broke and everything no no that was just me again sorry for the false alarm everyone should stop talking at madison so much um but uh yeah and then we see footage of her mom driving her to the hospital and mom doesn't have her glasses on has no idea where she's going she's like yeah my mom doesn't know what she's doing but we're gonna get there no matter what and brett flies in and he gets there and the baby's coming so it's like the doctors are like oh my god oh my god stat stat beep beep beep beep charisma entering charisma I'm not during the room. Hey. It's Brett. Brett made it. So it's like, yeah, next time you see me, we'll be able to have champagne together. Yeah. Little baby coming into the world. Little cutie pie. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. Go get your tickets for Watch What Crappens, the Golden Crappie Awards, February 27th, live streaming. 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