Welcome to another episode of the ADHD Parenting Podcast. Today is actually going to be the first part of a double episode, and Mike, our title for today's episode is... Your child is not your co-parent. Welcome to the ADHD Parenting Podcast with Mike McLeod of Grow Now ADHD and Ryan Wetzelblatt of ADHD Dude. Learn about parenting kids with ADHD from a licensed clinical social worker and speech language pathologist who specializes in ADHD. No fluffy parenting advice, only practical information that will equip you to help your child with ADHD effectively. So Mike, why don't you start off by explaining what that means? Yeah, so this is a common trend we see with overall parenting styles today, is many parents are told and are sort of functioning on a daily basis under this belief that they should always get their child's input when making any sort of a decision. And this is something that often leads to constant toxic cycles between parent and child, parent and teen, when one word that I've continually heard time and time again from parents over the past five, six, seven years is this word, convince. Like, oh, I need to convince my child to join a club, a sport and activity. I have to convince my child to clean their room, convince my child to do some sort of coaching or tutoring or whatever it is. And parents will say like, oh, I need to even check to make sure he's up for that. And this really goes against exactly what the ADHD brain is, is always sort of seeking that path of least resistance, seeking control, seeking to lower demands and things like that. And this, it can lead to more dire outcomes when the child is sort of always given autonomy and assay when things they're not really meant to make decisions on. And one of the things that Mike and I have seen is that many parents have been taught to always discuss their child's feelings around having to do something. How do you feel about doing this activity or how do you feel about taking medicine? And with the intention of making sure that they feel heard. And that's very nice in theory. And it is important that kids feel heard. But when feeling heard kind of transgresses into treating them as a co-parent capable of making adult decisions, that's when this is not helpful. So I think, Mike, one of the things a lot of parents get confused about is that making sure your child feels heard and negotiating with them, it sounds compassionate, but for kids with ADHD, as we know, it often creates more confusion and anxiety instead of this feeling of emotional safety and being heard. So in this episode, we're going to explain why this partnering approach to parenting is not actually helpful for kids with ADHD and why calm, clear leadership is both kind and necessary. So our goal with this episode is to help parents feel confident that leadership is actually protective and not harmful. And we're going to really focus on research today supporting what we're talking about. All right. So, Mike, why don't you start off with the research on authoritative parenting? And one of the things we do want to mention is that citations for the research that we are citing in this episode and the next episode can be found in the show notes. Sure. So authoritative parenting, very different from authoritarian parenting. And there's decades of research showing the benefits of authoritative parenting. It really blends that warmth and responsiveness that so many parents today really want in their relationship with their child, warmth and responsiveness. But it always has those clearly defined expectations. And when expectations are clearly defined, don't need to be repeated verbally every single day. This balanced approach creates the predictability which children with ADHD rely on to regulate their attention and their emotions. So that predictability is the parenting boundaries that stay in place and don't break down by overindulging the child to avoid conflict, which is the opposite of authoritative. And this predictability sets the kids up for success and helps them to become independent. So one of the things we wanted to talk about was somebody I don't know their first name, last name is Steinberg, in some research from 2001, showed that when parents provide warmth alongside firm leadership, kids develop stronger emotional regulation and better long-term behavioral outcomes. So think about this for a minute, that what that is saying is that authoritative parenting helps develop emotional regulation skills and better behavior. And why? Because this structure reduces emotional overload and creates a stable base for behavior. And Mike, I really feel like that in itself should kind of be the foundation for all parenting. But even this is even more important as you and I know for parents of kids with ADHD. So alongside the work of Steinberg from 2001 and Bombrin from 1991, here's some more research, some citations from Johnson and MASH from 2001, they found that children with ADHD respond best to consistent high expectations. When parents lead with clarity instead of seeking the approval of the child, what we find is is that the emotional reactivity of the child will decrease because children no longer feel responsible to constantly negotiate or influence decisions because the expectations are consistent and clear and there's no room for negotiation. So Mike, what that research is really saying is that when parents take all the decision making, you know, away from kids, you know, and stop negotiating everything with them, it, you know, it helps them, it makes them feel better. And one of the things I want to bring up as you were reading this, Mike, is I thought about a meeting I had with a mom last year who was a psychologist and she had shared with me that her and her daughter were working with a coach trained in a certain method from a very popular book that I'm not going to mention here, but that really encourages a lot of negotiating. I think you know what I'm talking about. I certainly do. What mom and therapist shared with me is that after every session, her daughter was completely dysregulated. And why was she dysregulated? Because everything it was about, you know, asking for her input and negotiating everything and it caused her stress. It caused this, you know, this girl, I think she was 12, a lot of stress and she was like a mess afterward. So the mom said, I had to stop it because, you know, it was just making things worse for her every time we had one of these sessions. And I think this research that you just heard really speaks to that. Exactly. And the last thing we want is any of our listeners to hear this and sort of take it to the extreme that we're telling kids with ADHD to never self advocate, you know, self advocacy is part of executive function. You want them to be able to self advocate. But obviously, you know the day today with your child or teen, if you're listening to this, it's constant negotiation, constant arguing, negative attention, stimulation to all parenting decisions, sort of always looking to seek some sort of control over the parent and become the co-parent. And this is really the, you know, stressing to parents is to understand your role, understand your role as the shepherd to this child to push them out of their comfort zone, keep expectations high. And because you're the adult in so many ways, you know what's best for them. You know what experiences are best for them, as opposed to them being able to choose. Because so many ADHD kids and teens, if left to their own devices, will choose to go to school, come home and stay home and not have the varied experiences that they so deeply need. The next piece of research we want to talk about comes from, I believe her name is Andrea Cronus Toscano. She is a researcher in the ADHD field. I apologize if I got her first name wrong. But some work that she did in 2011 with some colleagues highlighted that supportive but firm parenting strengthens social functioning. This is a particular interest to me because this is my favorite subject. And what they found was that kids with ADHD show fewer conflict based behaviors and better peer relationships when adults anchor their interactions with clear rules and follow through. So basically what this is saying is when we use an authoritative parenting approach, when things are clear and there's follow through and consistency, it helps kids socially. It helps them have less conflict in their social relationships. And I think that is incredibly important for people to hear. Absolutely. I totally agree with you that this is pretty much the most fascinating and my favorite piece of research we're talking about today. Because this really shows the power of sort of parenting. And if there's one thing that your ADHD child or teen is going to take away from the parent-child relationship is this concept of social reciprocity. And Ryan talks about it all the time in his parenting course, high giving, low expectations. And that teaches kids that their relationship with you is all take and no give. And they don't learn about 50-50 relationships. And it can really negatively impact them socially with peers when they don't learn that relationships require a 50-50 give and take. And you're going to have to share ideas and share perspectives and do what other people like and work hard to maintain those relationships over time. So this is a really fascinating piece that really shows that, you know, when adults anchor their interactions with clear rules and follow through, it can improve their social relationships with peers. And that is so important with ADHD. And the last piece here that we want to talk about is some research from 2014 by people named Evans, Owens, and Bunford. And what they found was that structured routines and consistent parental authority improve follow-through and reduce daily behavioral challenges. So kids with ADHD function best when expectations remain steady from day to day, which is why, you know, I talk about having daily expectations in place for behavior and helping around the house, you know, and I teach that in my courses. And Mike, what I would like you to talk about here is more the executive function piece of this about why having these, you know, routines and follow-through, why they help reduce daily behavioral challenges. Absolutely. So when a child comes home from school and they know what is expected of them in terms of chores, homework, eating routine, getting to appointments, getting to activities, that requires them to become independent in their future thinking skills. They know what to expect. They are more internalizing their conditional if then cause and effect thinking. If I do this, then this is going to happen. If I don't do this, then this is what's going to happen. When the parents have to come in and constantly prompt, it's keeping the kids prompt dependent. And when the parents come in and constantly have to threaten losing screen time or dangling it like a carrot over their head for more screen time, or constantly have to follow them around and remind them of everything that's happening, it's keeping their skills being delayed from developing. So when a child understands these, you know, the structures, the patterns, the structured routines, consistent parental authority and follow-through, it's going to reduce behavior challenges because there's no room for negotiation. There's no room for arguing. There's no room for them to be like the lawyer they are to negotiate and try to work out the demands that they want because everything's already set in stone. It's clear. These are the rules and the values of this family and we stick to it. So Mike, I think for to wrap up today's episode, let's talk about a little bit about why this, you know, current trend that we see. I shouldn't even say current. I think what we see pushed a lot on social media, both by professionals and influencers about negotiating everything, about why it actually backfires. And one of the things is that when Mike and I post things about this, sometimes we've both gotten pushback of people saying, well, I want my child to feel heard and that's just being authoritarian and it's not being authoritarian at all. But what we want to really focus on here is not getting into a back and forth about that, but understand why negotiating everything backfires. So first thing we're going to talk about is a piece of research from 2020, from people their last names are mob and this next one I cannot pronounce because it's Dutch. I think it's van duge, Vinvoord and Sherris about negotiating. So what they found in their research was while negotiating can feel respectful and compassionate, it often adds cognitive and emotional pressure to kids with ADHD. Kind of like that girl who I just talked about before. She was pressured by all the negotiating with this coach she was working with. And for kids with ADHD, many who already struggle with being indecisive and making decisions and with uncertainty, having that constant negotiation just gets them, it makes them anxious or it puts a lot of pressure on them. And I think we've both seen that in this research from 2020 definitely supports that. So this is a really fascinating piece of research because this goes to what I talk about so often in my parent training seminars that I do where the ADHD individual when left to their own devices is constantly going to seek out instant gratification to two things screens and conflict. They'll be on screens for as many hours as possible, which will heavily dysregulate them and make it harder to do anything that's non-screen based. And this research right here tells us that when they seek conflict and negotiation, it's also very dysregulating. So it can feel respectful, it can feel like you're giving your child a voice, but this research goes to show you, it actually adds cognitive and emotional pressure to the child with ADHD. So what they're seeking out screens and conflict, it's actually dysregulating them further. So the next piece of research was really interesting to me. This is from somebody and I know their research and I forgot their first name, so forgive me if they hear this. Somebody whose last name is Evans and this was research was done in 2014. What they found was that when everything becomes a discussion, kids become unsure about what the expectation actually is. So I want you to really understand that. So when everything becomes a discussion and a negotiation, kids lose sight of what the expectation is and that uncertainty increases anxiety and leads to more pushback, not less. I don't know why I feel like this one piece in particular should be famous, because this is so incredibly important for people to hear that the more you get pulled into what I call the negotiation vortex, the more uncertainty there is, which increases anxiety and leads to more pushback. So talking more as we know and negotiating everything is not helpful at all. In fact, it makes things worse for kids. So if you think that it's you know, you're making your child feel hurt and it's being compassionate, but you see them getting more and more riled up, well this is often the reason why. So just keep that in mind. Yeah, and this word anxiety really becomes a buzzword in ADHD parenting of I don't want to push my child or my teen into something they don't want to do because I don't want it to increase their anxiety. But here we have actual research telling us that when there is so much negotiations, when there is so much opportunity for the child to make too many decisions for themselves, that is what increases anxiety. What actually decreases anxiety is when you are a strong, warm, authoritative parent that pushes their kid out of their comfort zone and has very clear patterns and expectations. So if we're really going to focus on anxiety and what's actual science based and research based, it's actually when you don't let everything become a discussion. So the next one we want to talk about and this is also one of my favorite topics. This is from the researcher whose last name is Mav and colleagues from 2020. What they found was that kids with ADHD show more cognitive rigidity, no surprise to anyone here, meaning they have difficulty shifting their thinking or adapting when tasks are open-ended. So meaning when they don't know that there is a clear end in sight or know what that looks like. I'm going to ask Mike to talk about the executive function piece of this. But what I want you to understand is that makes things more difficult for them. So expanding choices through negotiation increases their mental load, puts more stress on them, and makes transitions harder. So Mike, why don't you do this? Why don't you kind of take that and frame it through the executive function lens? And I think what would be helpful is to help parents understand what they should be doing instead here. Yeah. And this all takes us back to the foundation of really all executive functioning, which is that skill of nonverbal working memory, which is the visual imagery system of the brain. The foundation to all executive functioning skills is the ability to visualize the end result with your future thinking skills. You can listen to Dr. Russell Barclay talk about nonverbal working memory. Ryan and I have a great colleague and friend, Sarah Ward, who talks about it all the time. It's a really fascinating topic that parents need to know about if they have an ADHD child or teen and the ability to visualize the end result so that you can then talk to yourself to work towards that image with self-stated intentions. When you are able to visualize the end result, when you tell your ADHD child or teen to go upstairs and clean their room, before they even open that door to their room, they have to have a mental movie in their head of what that room looks like when it's clean. So by the time they open that door and walk in, they can work towards that image and start to clean it piece by piece by piece, chunk it out, and get to that end result. So this is just further proof that being able to visualize that end result helps decrease anxiety and increase productivity, which is what all parents want for their ADHD kids. So for example, saying something like, well, you can clean your room after lunch or you can clean it after dinner, I think what we're trying to say is that's not necessarily helpful. What would be more helpful is the frame thing saying, you need to clean your room after lunch. This is how we're going to sequence those steps of what needs to happen. This is what the end result should look like. And we describe, shoes should be put in the shoe holder or laundry in the laundry basket, whatever. So using this clear and precise visual language helps to visualize what the end result should be, but also not giving them 50 choices of when they can do it. Again, there's nothing wrong with having some flexibility and modeling flexibility, but when everything is presented, you know, as a million choices, it's not helpful to kids with ADHD. And this is kind of this ongoing theme through this episode. So the next one we want to talk about is some research that showed when kids with ADHD have inconsistent expectations, ADHD symptoms actually intensify. So when rules or routines shift based on how much a child negotiates, meaning parents get sucked into the negotiation vortex, the child's behavior becomes less predictable and conflict increases. And this is again from Evans, some research from 2014. And this coincides beautifully with the research from Johnston and Mash from 2001. Children with ADHD thrive with clarity, you being that strong, clear leader with clear structure within your home. Negotiation often moves responsibility for decisions on to the child, which they are not prepared to manage developmentally. And that is such a powerful statement for parents to understand. So that's exactly it. Your child is not developmentally ready to make these decisions for themselves. You know, there's a reason why kids can't drive, they can't vote, they can't buy certain things, they can't do certain things until they reach a certain age. And that's exactly what it is. We're putting too much on the child to make choices for themselves and their future when their brain simply is not ready for it. They're not developmentally ready yet. So that is actually increasing the anxiety when the parents are on eggshells around their kid, trying to make sure they're not traumatizing them. They're not at increasing their anxiety. They're not destroying or breaking down their relationship by being an authoritative figure. Really what we're actually doing is increasing the anxiety by asking these kids to do things that they are not developmentally ready for yet. So Mike, I think that's a great place to end this first part of this episode because in the second part, we're going to start off by talking about why common parenting advice, or we should say parenting advice that is popular right now, conflicts with the developmental needs of kids with ADHD. So thank you everyone for listening or watching and make sure to tune in to the second part of this and we will speak to you soon. Take care. Thank you. Take care. Thanks for listening. To learn more about Mike's practice, Grow Now ADHD, please visit his website, grownowadhd.com. To learn about the services Ryan provides, please visit ADHDdude.com. You can find Mike on Instagram at grownowadhd and Ryan on the ADHD Dude YouTube channel. We'd love to hear your feedback or questions, so feel free to contact us at the ADHD Parenting Podcast at gmail.com. The ADHD Parenting Podcast and content posted by Grow Now ADHD or ADHD Dude are presented solely for general information and educational purposes. Our goal is to provide valuable insights and knowledge, not to replace professional services. Mike and Ryan cannot provide clinical consultation or free advice through social media or other forms of communication. The information on this podcast is not a substitute for professional advice. If you or your child have any medical or mental health concerns, please consult your healthcare professionals.
