Bowling Gigolos

At TUI, we give you more. More outfit choices, with 20kg of luggage allowance as standard. More hotels, built around what you love, like that swim-up suite. More, race you to the bottom, water parks on site. More, ooh, that looks good. Food options, from poolside snacks to ala cart dining. Book on app, in-store or online. You book it, TUI sort it. At all and after protected, keys and C's apply selected hotels only. You can see website for details. And now, The Bonfire with Big J. O'Crossen and Robert Kelly. Definitely not an edge lord. You're a bore lord. A violent bore lord. You're a violent bore lord. I only did what I thought I had to do. It's crazy. Ah, shiz. I'm in the conversation, had no idea what was happening. Jacob's always in defense mode. I didn't do what I had to do. I didn't do it. Yeah, we were. No, Jacob, sweetie pie. Oh, my god, you're wearing your merch. You're wearing a musical merch. I'm wearing the outsiders. I bought it before I knew it was a musical. I bought it on the way in. Bobby, you knew it was a fucking musical. You knew it was a musical before you pulled into the parking lot. I want to say something to you. I did not know it was a musical. I thought it was a dialogue driven play. And then you know me. When I go to a concert with you, what do I do? The first thing I do when I get there. You stand out at your feet and never look up at any signs. What do I do when I go into a show with you? All the concerts I get. You take a figure of the merch. I buy the merch right away because I don't want to fucking deal with it after I get that stupid fat size. I buy merch when I go in. I walked in, I bought this and I bought Max's shirt. Let me see the sleeve. Why? Let me take a peek at the sleeve. But why do you want to see the sleeve? Go ahead. Let me see what it says. That's sleeve. What sleeve? Well, for the audience, it's a gray sweatshirt, crew neck. It says stay gold across the front. I was coming to make me cry. And then on the sleeve it says a little something. It says the outside. He wouldn't mind straightening out the sleeve a little bit. It says the outside. You wouldn't mind flipping that little front. Okay, it says the outside is the musical. No, it says again a new musical. A new musical, whatever. It's literally a poster. Okay, all right. You want the photo? You're so chast. When's it not going to be a new musical? Whatever, dude. Oh my god, yes. Jacob, if you wouldn't mind taking a picture of that. I know it said it on the shirt he bought before he went in. I didn't wear it. I just saw the stay gold. They showed you the sleeve. Whatever, dude. I didn't know it was a musical. I thought it was a dialogue driven play. And then the musical got me. I like that you fall into a world of trust so much that you stop reading. I do. You stop looking at signs. If someone points to a woman's bathroom and goes, some men's room over there. You just go right in. I just go right in. I have a feeling you would. You pee on a girl. I pee on a girl. I pee right through a vajaj. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called total polling. It's called videotape. Where did I do that? You have no proof of that? You had the video insurance. It was on your story. I was with you the whole weekend. Do you have video proof of it? Because I don't see it. I don't have it on my phone. You do. I live storied it. I have archives. I turned the archives off, Christine. You're not a fucking influencer. Whatever. You're the cackle. Influencers don't turn off their archives. I do. Because I'm a creator and I don't want to ever have to go back and recreate something that was already created. That's stupid. You know what you see? You can find out why people are friends. Me and Lewis are friends because of our like, we have a very similar inside thing. This is a very similar thing. You have me in dark hole. Yeah, you and I just keep talking. The connection is that you guys just keep talking until you sort it out. While you're talking, you're in your head going like how could I get this to where I need it to be? I find that a great insult that you just compare me to Lewis. I find that very insulting. I tell you when Lewis dropped my knife. He starts starting to sell it to me right away that this is how I wanted it to be. What? What? My switchblade knife. He was in my house. He didn't break it. It was on his lap and then he just went and did something absentmindedly and it hit the concrete on the ground. So it's got dings in it now. And he was like, and I, before I even said a word, I was like, oh man, I kind of picked it up. And he goes, it's actually you want it like that because a knife should be, and he starts saying like rough and you want it to be, and I stopped him. While he was talking, I go, stop. What are you selling me? I go, I had a thing I bought that would cost a couple bucks and you fucking damaged it. Yeah, he is a... Like whatever you're saying is just like, it's like this, it's like this, it's always good to spike a knife on the concrete when you get it because then it like, it dings it up and he started saying, he's like, you look rough, like you're a rough guy. And then so the knife should be, I go, none of this is psychobabble. You don't look rough at all. You look gentle and fucking majestic. Pleasant. I have a shirt that says I jack off guys. Yeah, dude, you wear pink gloves. You know, you don't look rough at all. But that's where the instinct you guys share. You just start going right away. Now here's the thing, you don't understand. It says musical, but of course I was blindfolded because it was a big surprise for me. Lewis is the guy, if it was the fucking 1800s, he's a lot of licksers. Of course. I'm not that guy. I'm the bartender would be at the bar and I'd be telling a story and... Now he's got an Acura, a fucking house that's falling apart and body-brain coffee. Right, I know that. That's his elixir. He is doing the job still. He doesn't have a horse and a wagon. And he just got the creamer, don't forget the creamer. I'm enjoying body-brain right now. Thanks, Lou. I haven't finished guessing yet. I don't want you to guess. Radio works. We slow play a lot of this shit. Jesus Christ. You want some more guesses? Kind of. Fine. You got shot in a deli by a Korean owner because he was trying to steal a 40-year-old English. No. But you're there. We're right there. Not right there, but you're around the corner. He was in the fire. Is this all because he's a black d... Dallas? Yeah. Okay, yeah. No, that's not it. Yeah, Dallas, if you guys are listening for the first time in the show ever and you're mega confused... Yeah, we are... Bobby aggressively went to go see a musical with his family. He couldn't wait for his... Couldn't wait for his boy to see him cry. It's not true. I didn't think I was going to cry and I tried not to cry, but they got me at the gold, stay gold, when Johnny died. And at the end, when Dally died, and they did a whole thing with him, and then he appeared up at the top, him and Johnny looking down. I got a little teary-eyed. I told you, dude, musicals... The reason I don't like musicals is because I get emotional because I have a little boy inside that wanted a dad. And when they start singing these songs, I get emotional. Okay. He was trying to cut off his house arrest bracelet, and in the process, accidentally cut himself and split an artery, he bled out slowly. No, that's not it. Okay. All right, well, we'll get back to it. You suffocated in some fat white pussy? No. No, there's no fat white pussy in the outsiders of the musical. Come on. Oh, yeah, so it's like they're dancing. They're dancing, yeah. Nobody's going to pick up that tub of shit. Yeah. There's no little gay guy that's going to be able to swing that bitch around. Remember, Lizzo used to do that show for like, you could do splits, get over here, and then she lost a bunch of weight. Now that's not even her thing anymore. Like, weight shit. They still have fat Lizzo in the lobby. I know. Yeah. Forever fat. She takes up two doors. Was that on the, you know, in the lobby? Yeah. Yeah. Jim Morrison's forever young. She's forever fat on the walls. I'm going to fucking kill her when she comes up. I could always bug me when I show up at a club and they have fat Bobby photo. Well, he does take the sting off a little bit because it was an elevator up instead of stairs. Hmm. That's true. You're so happy about elevator when you come out and you go, aw, fat me. Can I say that Christine, the fans have taken over the wolf, the wolf haircut. What do you mean? They took our photos and gave us all, they've been taking our photos. And giving us wolves? And giving us wolf cuts. Okay. And I'm telling you right now, the person that looks the best in the wolf cut, and I'll be descriptive, Jacob. I swear to God. Christine looks She's a girl. Why would that blow your mind so hard? That's the most insulting way you could have said that. If Christine had the wolf... Do you know you're going to be surprised who looks the best in this girl's haircut? The girl. Well, I would think that you would look the best of me. Damn. Christine, suck on them apples. Remember that photo? Yeah. That's a pretty good one. I like when they're tussies hanging out. I mean, Christine and me, dude, if I... I mean, look at that. Look at this one. Look how hot you look, Christine. With the wolf cut. I'll pay for it if you get it. Look at this, Christine. Look at me. I look like a wash-up, like... No, you're looking at the wrong picture. I mean, that's worse. You think it's worse than the one over here? No, that one over there, you look weird. That looks so cute. I like the height. Yeah, a little height. Well, I'm saying like, it doesn't look bad, like, in that picture. I don't know if you'd want that every single day. You know, I had a cut. Let me find a picture. I had a cut kind of like that. I'm just saying that the wolf cut, and I don't know... I know you guys hate the wolf cut. Yeah. But, Christine, it really frames in your face well. You're high cheekbones. You're beautiful lips. You're American Indian nose that you have. Just none of those stuffs are more attractive than the wolf cut. No, I think you look great. I mean, Blackaloo looks fantastic with a wolf cut, by the way. No, he doesn't. He'd look awesome in the 70s and 80s with a wolf cut. He looks crazy. He looks great. Now, Jacob looks like that is just his hair. I feel like that could be what your hair should be. You look like you're currently like the newest base player for Farner. Yeah, yeah. It's like when they say there's only two original members left, you're not one of them. But the guy shreds. Every 10 years of a band. Yeah. Jacob looks like you could currently play drums for Corey Feldman. Yeah. He's like a Corey Feldman hired gun type. I look like the lead singer of Heart. That would be... Obviously, Ann Wilson. That would actually be a dream. Jay looks like Wolfman Jack. Yeah, he's like a fucking asshole. Christine looks like she fucking goes to jail a lot. Yeah, but she doesn't know any of the prisoners. She has to meet the prisoners. Yeah, yeah. She wears long sleeves to hide her meth sores. Have a razor and a salami. Is anybody available for a visit? Lou, you look crazy. That wasn't a good look on you. Lou looks like a lesbian. They really got your cheek to cheek smile on there, too. You look perfect. You look like a fucking washed up wrestler. I don't think that's my real smile. I look like a current well-known wrestler. Yeah, I love it. Dude, I went to the dentist today. I got to get teeth. I know you got your teeth fixed, but do you have to have teeth taken out at all? Are your teeth good? I'm going tomorrow. I had a post in the back for an implant for years. They told me... I was just like, well, we're so far back. It's just the last tooth anyway. I'm like, why put a post? If you don't put a tooth in there, the other tooth, they're always looking for a tooth to connect to. So if the top tooth's still there, it'll grow down. Yeah. So we got to get it on pretty quick. Then they really just laxed as we didn't put one on for a decade? Jesus Christ. I just got used to the post being there. But I do feel over the last few years, and it felt that tooth is growing down. So that's annoying. So I went about a week ago, and they finally got the tooth, and they put the tooth on the thing, and right away I said, sure this line's up good because it feels like I'm biting my cheek a little bit. And he was like, no, it's all good. And then I was like, yeah, I feel like I'm biting it. Well, it seems like you bit it. Like you just bit it now a little bit. Was it Lewis, your dentist? Sort of. He goes, you bit it a little bit, so it's a little swollen, so that's why it's happening. When the swelling goes down, it should be fine. And then I proceeded for the rest of the week, and including last night where Christine heard me scream fuck when it happened, and I was so fucking shredded inside. It's just, it's giving me a headache. Well, as you bite it, it swells, and you bite it more. So I called him, I go, is this normal? This is what you're saying was supposed to be normal? He was like, come in this week. I was like, I could take them both out or something. Well, he can file it down or shape it better. I said that when I was there, though. Why am I going back? I'm pretty sure I'm biting my cheek. He's like, well, you bit your cheek, so now it's swollen. I go, but I bit it because the teeth were biting it. Oh, it drove me nuts. But they're going to fix it. They're great dentists. I have a friend dentist. Well, me too. Family dentist, really. When I was younger, right, having a hookup, like a concert hookup was the shit. But at my age now, having a doctor hookup or a dentist hookup is the greatest. I was in today, and he's like, all right, take a 3D scan. Do the thing for all his teeth. Don't charge him. I was like, that's like a grand. That's like a lot of money. And he's like, don't charge him. I'm like, I got the dentist hookup. I got the hookup. And he's like charging me to get the post and all that stuff. He's giving me like a fucking huge discount on the surgery. Did you see my dope ass X-ray? Did I make an album cover? No. So cool. Let me see it. Oh, I got to find it for you. Is this Lewis breaking my knife? Good, good, good. Lewis breaking my knife. Why don't you run that real quick? He's fucking stoned out of his mind too. The knife needs scuff, bro. That was like a Cheech and Chong episode. Me and? Yeah, man, knife needs scuff, dude. Your scuffed, the knife is scuffed. Bro, scuffed, man. We're scuffed, man. You should, let me step on your brand new Louis Vuitton boots, bro. Damaged goods, man. I said, step on your Louis Vuitton boots. Christine's head snapped over to me like, how dare you? How dare you? I thought he did. I was like, did that happen? You'd be fucking pissed. Like I'm like, I swear. Those are nice boots. I'm going to get you a nice knife. I'm going to get you a better knife. Play the rest of it. I'm going to get you, I'm going to get you a really good knife, Jay. Okay, thank you. All right, well, that's what I was waiting for. I mean, you just stared at me. Well, you didn't give it to me yet. Well. It's all talk right now. Wait a minute, dude. You think I'm a talker? Not a walker? I don't know what you are. You don't think if I say I'm getting you a knife, I do. I don't like this tone. Well, you think you're supposed to just give it and then I say thank you for it? No, dude. The idea goes, you know, Bobby, one of these days, I'm going to get you a new house. Thanks, man. When? It's crazy. Oh, the next, okay. I didn't ask Bob a question. Do the nice thing again. Dude, I'm going to get you, dude, I'm getting you a brand. I'm going to get you a sick ass knife. When? I'll get it this week. Like soon? This week. Next Monday, you'll have it. So next week, really? Next Monday. So now you said it was going to be this week and now it'll be the next week. I won't see you this weekend. You're going on the road tomorrow. No. I don't leave tomorrow. I'm going on the road tomorrow. Oh, so you're going on the road so I can't get the knife. Okay, well, thank you. I mean, hey, you know what? You're not getting a knife. Was that good? Keep your scuff knife. I thought you were just playing right here. I thought we were doing a role play. No, I'm not giving you a knife. Because it's fucking bullshit. I tried to make it the way you wanted it, with thank you at the beginning. Back this up a little bit. I'm so happy Lewis is getting fat again. And he's actually starting to talk fat. No, you're getting a knife. He's also doing like the same sweatpants five days in a row move. Yeah. He was on the regs the other day. I go, you look like somebody dressed a newborn baby for a, for a go to the park. He's had a sweatsuit and a little cap on. Fucking idiot. Came calling him out. She goes, well, you're wearing this black sweatpants. And you have dried cum all over the front of him. He goes, he goes, no, it's so hot. He goes, he goes, no, it's, it's clearly food. Right where your dick area is and your pants. It's food. And he kept doing that thing where we're all laughing at the gist and he keeps going, no, it's food. Yeah. I don't know if you know this, but he's so fat right now he's eating his own cum. He's just, he's everything in front of him. For protein? Yeah, for protein. Trying to car-blow. You would make me happier, Jay, if Lewis blows the fuck up. You know what's funny? He doesn't change anything. It's, maybe I'm wrong about this, but like it seems like, by, if you follow him on social media, in between, I guess, rare comedy appearances, he's doing exercising, seems like 24-7. Right. Training, boxing, showing you who he boxed with, showing you through Harrington's stupid glasses about how he's boxing. He's boxing, they're wrapping their hands and playing with babies and then taking pictures hanging on the ropes, then a sauna, and then they go clanging bang in the gym and chin-ups and all of this, at any size he is. It makes, when he's in good shape and this is a schedule, you're like, oh, well that makes sense. I don't understand when it goes the other way. It seems like he never stops doing the things, it's like 100% food. Well the problem is, yeah. For him, because he never changes like his training regimen. He's not gonna do anything for a comedian to have. Well you know when you get a house, when you get a house and you're gonna start stocking it with everything, and he comes home after training and doing all that boxing shit and stuffs his face. I've been to his house, he doesn't have any food in that fridge. Yeah, he does, every time I went over, he has a fud. Every time I go there, it's like loose fucking bubbly waters. Mismatch something. Like an open bubbly water? No, like loose, they're not part of five different flavors, but just one of each kind of floating around that are inside of a box that's one flavor. He's one of those guys, dude. Dude, I'm gonna take one bite. Norton does the same thing. Let me just take one bite, I'm on a diet, and he'll take a bite, and he'll take half and then just dude take it. Loose didn't know where his cups are when I went there last time. And this was a couple weeks ago when we did the show at his house. I was like, do you have bigger cups? Like there was just small cups for like booze. I was like, do you have bigger cups so you can get a glass of water? He's like, yeah, open up every cabinet. And then he didn't. He just gave me a small cup also. All right. I'll fill it up a couple times. You need a girl. I don't know. Listen, you need a girl for it to be as like with with Christine's done. It's just to the plate. It's just very like it's a lot of things that I wouldn't have thought of, but it would be more comparable if I was by myself there. It would be more comparable to what you have than what Lewis has going on. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Lewis's place is like but like actually Lewis's place is like pretty grown up. Actually, like I remember the way he used to you know, to now where I don't know if you'd have like, I don't know if you would have gone out and bought like, you know, looked at all the different glassware and like thought about how they'd look in the cabinet and have like a, you know, matching. But you may have a glassware set. Like you may have gone and girls do that. Girls will look at glassware and be like, oh, this goes with the place. And goes in the cabinets and I just find this cup is cool. I've got a fantastic sense of style. What? I, for a house, I've got a good idea for where things should go and look nice. Did he, did he buy all the stuff for the house? Oh, what stuff? Yeah. You bought, you, you picked out all the stuff. Oh, no. No, I didn't pick out everything. Did you pick out the stuff? He picked out a lot of stuff. Really? Yeah. We actually, I don't really, there's some stuff he doesn't care about, but I don't, you know, all the big stuff we've kind of picked out together. The only thing I've picked out in the house is the travel mugs. That's the only thing she lets me pick out. Wow. It's like the, the, the travel coffee mug, the travel protein shake mug or the water bottles. That's all I get to pick. I've tried to pick out like the plates and, uh, like I like a bowl. I like a nice big bowl and I like soup spoons. I don't like regular spoons. I like a nice soup spoon and there's a difference. A soup spoon is like rounder, bigger, nice handle and I like flatware that is, um, balanced. You know what I mean? So when you put it on the plate, it doesn't fall off. She's got flatware that is like heavy at the end. I don't like that because it always falls off the plate because it's unbalanced. Weaver. I might Jay. I might just take her off and I might, I don't know. I'm just going to leave the house. Why do I have to leave? If I lived in my house by myself, it would be pretty well decorated, I think. If I just made my own decisions, I think so. Yeah. If I lived in the house by myself, I'd have one bowl, one plate, one fork, one spoon, one knife, one cup. What I wouldn't have. One coffee cup. That's it. The things that Christine brings that I, that it would be like, oh, these are things I wouldn't have, is like, a little glass container with a top in the bathroom for Q-tips. Well, I would never think. I would never think. I would just have Q-tips in the drawer. In the drawer. You open it up. Well, she actually had something that was really cool. She had a liquor bottle and she had a candlelight behind it, like electric candlelight behind it. And it lit up the liquor bottle over to the left of your kitchen. I thought that was amazing. Thanks. Good job. Thanks, Bobby. That was, that really pops. I thought it looked cool too. When I walked in the kitchen, I was like, well, that's fucking interesting. I do like that. It's a tea light. What does that mean? It's just a little tea light. It probably costs a buck. He's such a dick. I just don't want you guys to give Christine too much credit. It makes you think, oh, if Christine wasn't there, you just have blank walls and fucking dartboards everywhere. No. A dartboard. Not how I live. You remember dartboards were the thing? Playing darts? Never. Good. Oh my god. When me, Patrice, Billy and Dane would do an open mics, one of the clubs, the 99 restaurant had an open mic night and they had a dartboard in the back and we would just play darts all night just in the back. The idea of a pool table is so funny because if you have like just that kind of like disposable space where you live, I get it. It's like, you know, a one-time thing you buy. It looks very nice for sure. But man, pool table has to be, I bet that's probably widely considered the most stupid, used, like unused purchase in people's lives or stuff like that. People get there, they're always like, start playing a lot of pool and then you're like, like, it's fun for a game or so once in a while. You always lose the chalk. It takes up master space. Master space. Where's the chalk? Then you wind up using like talc powder, steaks. My uncle has a pool table up in his big house in Pansham. That was very personal. I've never heard of losing chalk and using talc powder. Oh, I fucking hate. I was actually a pool champ when I was in Juvenile Hall. I want to pool championship. And I got a championship. Well, inside of the juvie place. Well, those are all the kids that play pool. And I want to pool cue. You know, the ones when you take it apart and like a ball on the end, so it looked like a, almost like a cane. And you could unscrew the ball on the top and it was a half ball, like a brass ball on the top. It was a beautiful pool cue. And I made it into a bong. I remember I took the top off. I put a, I put a screen in it and then I drilled holes in the side and I put tubes around, like a four tubes and you could stick it in the ground and put like a lot of pot in it and everybody could just get a little tube and we sat in the park and just smoked, got fucking stoned off my trophy pool cue. I think instead you just started listening to the blues and learned how to play pool with that cue instead. You could have named it. Everyone I know who ever owned a pool table, it was always one wall or a beam that they didn't have enough room. Well, anyone I know and then, and then how about some people that would go as far as to get a fucking child's pool cue for when you're on that wall. I'm okay. Let's just not play. You shouldn't have done this. Yeah. You were, it's got to be in a room that is so vast that it's the pool table room where you have full range of motion on every side and if you have that get a pool table. But anyone that tries to squeeze a pool table, if I put a pool table anywhere in my house it would be fucking ridiculous. Even if I got rid of like a room's worth of stuff, it would be dumb to have a pool table. Well, they came out with I think in the 80s bumper pool for people who didn't have room for a pool table. Remember bumper pool? Yeah. Which sucked too. Oh, it's an ass game. It's a shit game. You ever go to someone's house who just they had a billiards table? How about that? No pockets. I don't even understand what the game is. It's like bocce ball on a table. It's the gayest thing I've ever played. It's a game of angles Jay. Oh, it's really bad. It's real, real bad. Well, I remember back, there was a time where pool was huge for a minute. It was fucking huge. Yeah, because of that fucking Chinese lady. Black widow. I think it was that stupid movie with Tom Hacks. Tom Cruise. Color of Money. Yeah, I got big again for some reason. They just started opening up pool halls everywhere. The big pool. And we go down rented table. And you be there just playing pool all night. Pool after one game sucks. It's bowling. You think you always want to play more games than you do? Yeah, bowling is another one. It's like, are we done? Can we be done? Three games. Three games. And by the third game, you're like this is the last one, right? Yeah, it was fun when I got it and I did a little move and somebody did, oh my god, you got a spare. And then it's just like, I think three games of your first game is going to be fucking nutsack almost across the board. Yeah. Unless you're bowling a lot. Then you get your rhythm back. Second game you do okay. Third game you're a little bit confident. And then you get out of there. Yeah, you get tired by the third game. You're like, fuck, how'd I do that? Do I spin it? Yeah. But I did a move. But man, pool table. That was one of the funniest when I moved to South Jersey from Philly. And I didn't have any friends yet. I was like, I'm not going to play anymore. I was going to the pool table the other day because the Just in case, you didn't have that on just in case. No, it wasn't in comedy yet. I thought that's how you made friends. Yeah, it's this gray t-shirt, rolled up sleeves, and over it, a vest. Ooh. Like Joey Lawrence, like the plaid on the front back is just black. With the little hook up in the back? I think the little thing that goes across in the back, yeah for sure. And I just played pool by myself for hours, being like, someone's gonna want to know who this fucking new cool guy in town is. They thought it was Fats Domino. Yeah, they thought it was Fat fucking Dylan from 90210. That's what I was going for. If you're wondering what I was going for, it was Fat Joey Lawrence or Fat Dylan from 90210. I would have accepted either one. Tell you what that place did have though, that hot shots or something called. It was all ages, or 18, no, I think it was all ages. It was all ages, because I was going before I was 18. And there was no problem with that. So it's, but they had pool rack girls. What? Cute girls in the neighborhood. And they were young like our age. I mean, I guess probably 18 or so. I bet they all have wolf cuts. None. Not to the 90s, dude. They were, but yeah, so whatever you're done a game, they're just walking around and they would rack the ball. In fact, I rack pool balls to this day, the way they did it. Were you tits out? Tits out. Constantly, yeah. I grind my fucking punt against the felt. No, no, no. No, I put everything in except the, keep the eight in the middle there. And you put the eight in between the row that's right behind it on top of the rack. And you get it all lightened, lined up tight. And then last second, drop that eight ball into the hole. Thanks for a good break. I've never seen that. Oops, sorry, never seen that. Well, you never went to hot shots billiards. I have not. You haven't been to the pool hall I went to. Dude, we had a pool hall in Medford, but it was one of that, one of the old school fucking in the basement, you had to go in the, in Medford Square, you had to go down in the basement. And it was just a basement with, and they had pool sharks. And you know what I mean? Like people playing for big money and all that shit. Like real, like a real dingy pool hall before they were making pool halls. And I remember we used to get down there and I was so scared, but they, I was, dude, I had to be like fucking 10, 11 smoking butts, playing pool in a real pool hall. You definitely got molested. You buried it for sure. I haven't buried it. I'll tell you about it if you want. No, I mean in that pool hall something. No, I didn't get molested in the pool hall. That's why you rejected pool. Once you got your pool cue, you're like, I don't want to do this, I'm just gonna make a bong over it. You think if I got molested in the pool hall, I wouldn't have a one man show called the pool hall? The pool hall. I was a lonely boy looking for some fun. In a pool hall. And then I got fucked in the bum. Dude, it's funny that you say that because I moved to upstate New York. I think when I got out of jail the second time, my parents had moved again. Are you gonna tell me your vest phase? And well, I went to, I had no friends. I didn't know anybody. And it was in the summer before school started. So if you, like behind my house was a field and then a little highway and then a bowling alley. So I just walked over to the bowling alley and I went in and I just started playing, they had like three arcade games. One of them was the karate game. Remember that karate game? Kung Fu Champ. Yeah, Kung Fu Champ. All joysticks. All joy, right. No buttons. And you would like this. Yeah, yeah. As all it was. Chink, chink, yeah, right. And I remember- Well, that's what we would say, but you're not supposed to. I didn't mean it. Chink, chink, Kung Fu master. I didn't mean that. Chink, chink, chink, chink. But I remember I would go there and I got really good at it. I just played for hours and I got pretty good at it. And I got like a high score or some shit and the kid was next to me and he's like, do you bowl? And I was like, I don't know, I bow before and he was on a league. Chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink, chink. These games are Asian. No, you can't get magic. They make it, it's in their country, they make it. That's Foley work, Jacob. Yeah, take a time stamp, Jacob. Why? He's just doing Foley work. I'm just taking notes. All right, but he's just, why are you making me bad? Why do sound effects upset you so much? Yeah, why do you get mad at Foley work, bro? Fucking brilliant. That's exactly the sound it made when you would move it. Chink, chink, chink. This guy's never played. Doop, doop, doop. He's never played. He never played Kung Fu champ. No. And then when you would will, yellow, yellow. But dude, the guy was like, hey man, we have a bowling league. It was a little old to me, whatever, my age. He's like, you wanna bowl with us? So I went over and I bowed. I was like, yeah. And I went over and bowled. Dude, I bowled like a 260 or some crazy. I just kept getting strikes. Strike after strike after strike. These guys were like, holy shit. He was professionally good, by the way. It was crazy. I kept getting strike after strike after strike. They were like, you have to be on our team. You have to be, you have to come back. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I'll come back up. Fuck it. I thought I was like a prodigy or something. I just was bowling. And I came back the next week to be on the team. And I fucking stuck. I was gonna ball on it. I lost whatever, whatever thing God gave me to make friends that day, he sucked away from me. Well, he thought it'd be funnier for you to make friends than have them immediately be disappointed in you. Oh man, I got, they were like, yeah, dude, you can't be on the team. I, that hot shots billiards when I started doing comedy, there was a buddy of mine. We went there late one night, my friend Mike, and we went and one of the, he knew one of the girls, one of the poor rat girls. So she left and we went back to my mom's house, I think it was, and we got her to play Truth or Dare, such a funny story. She certainly wanted to fuck my friend Mikey, but she was like down to do like whatever, we're playing Truth or Dare. I think by about five Truth or Dare's in, she's naked playing with herself on the couch. And she was like, why don't we all do that? And I was like, yeah, sure. So I start doing it in a chair. My buddy Mikey starts reluctantly jerking off in a chair. And then she was like, she's like, I think I'm gonna come. I go, yeah, me too. And then I just do. And then poor Mikey was just sitting there and like put his, just wean her away. And she was like, are we done? I think he may have ended up being gay. From that? No, I think that was one of the things that was like, one of the like, that's a weird thing to do. That's the combination of making a gay guy. Two of the opposite sexes jerking each other off to completion. Well, he was a good looking kid. There also is something where it's like, yeah, like there should be an in between, I guess, from what I'm saying. I was probably, me and that girl were probably taking part in something that is a little extrovert. But we were all like, yeah, but this is great. Everyone's happy, right? About this. And my friend Mike's the one who's going like, no, no. This is weird. I'm just staring at her whacking off. She's staring at him whacking off. And he's reluctantly not barely whacking off. It was so funny how we used to use kids games to get pussy. This was no pussy. Truth or dare. No one got pussy this night, but like... Truth or dare was one of the fucking greatest games to get laid. When they call truth or dare a kids game, I go, no. If you do truth or dare and you play it the kids way is because the guys realize it would be weird to not make it. But no guys ever entered truth or dare and been like, all right, I guess who's going to look at my dick for 10 seconds in this room? Starts like, it's a stupid dares. What girl am I going to ask to show her butthole for seven seconds negotiable down to five? It's funny that you have to ease into it though. It's like, you have to ease even that when you... Peck kiss on the lips. Seven dares later, you're like four fingers up your ass. Yeah. You've already done three. I want you to bring me right to where I'm about to come and then you have to take my dick out. Edge me for 20 minutes. Go on. Well then answer the truth. Me and my friend Aldo Betty, we were at this place one night at the Deli Haas. It was a 24 hour diner and we saw this little nerd girl. It's like in a right in Kemal Square, which is all colleges. All these colleges are right around there. Right near Fenway Park. And it was kind of a hipster Deli. A lot of crazy people would come in, a lot of college kids, but a lot of weird fucking people. And this girl was sitting there. She was reading a book, little nerdy girl. Glasses, reading some fucking book. And we just started talking to her. It was just us in there. We started talking to her and it was really cool. And she was really kind of shy and kind of nerdy. And she's like, I gotta go. And we're like, where are you going? I'm going back to my apartment. I go, let us come. But we want to go with you. And she's like, you want to come back to my, really? Yeah. So we went back to our apartment and we're hanging out. We had whatever we were hanging out, having just regular, not alcohol or anything. We were sober at the time. And then... Yeah, you were 15. So, no, this is when I was doing comedy. And then we started playing Truth or Dare. It was like our thing. Me and Al always had this thing. So we're doing Truth or Dare. And then we slowly eased into sex stuff. I want you to get him hard under his pants. Okay. And then I want you to show a little bit of your areola. And then it got to the point where she was like, she just went, fuck this. Fuck it. Go in the other room, go in my bedroom. She went into the closet. This little nerdy girl reading a book. She came out. Dude, I swear to God, I think there was lights behind her and smoke. It looked like a fucking rock video. She came out with fucking boots up to her knees, handcuffed belt, fucking like this top and just had her titties out. And like her hair was fucking higher or some shit. And she had gloves on. She's like, you guys ready to do this? I mean, Al just remember he grabbed me and goes, dude, what are we gonna do? I'm like, I don't know. Just hold on, dude, hold on. She came in and just fucking, the both of us just went at it. I just went at it. We were so scared though, cause it just went from this cute little, she went, fuck this. Go in the bedroom. She came out because she boys ready to do it. She came out like a fucking Molly crew video. Al, always liked Al, had a bigger piece. Yeah, he had a nice piece. Yeah, it always, it was always me first. It was always me first because I was more, I was cool than him. Yeah, you knocked down the door. I would always knock down the door, but when he took out his bat, it was like, I had an all right bat, but his thing was. Yeah. That's what ruined all my truth or dares with Kevin Hart. He would always do that cause like he had that converse. He'd be like, yo, Digos dare me to pull my dick out. All right, I go, Kev, I dare you to show these girls your dick. And then he'd pull it out and they'd be like, oh my God. And then he'd be like, without asking me, he goes, I'm going to do Jay the favorite back. And he'd be like, Jay, I dare you to show them your dick. I go, well, hang on. What are you doing here? This is crazy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, come on, man. Is that how we come on now? Supposed to get me hard over the pants first. Yeah, we didn't even pet kiss on the lips. How about I show you my butthole for seven seconds and go show it to five. Yeah, dude, it was fucking crazy. She was such a perv. She actually referred us to a friend. Oh, wow. What a skis. She called us up, she goes, listen, I had a really good time the other night. I told my friend about you too. She wants to meet you. So we were like, what? We were like, all right. Her name's H.I. Vicky. So we had to go. It's all where it's just a nickname. Me and Al had to go to this girl's house, but she was having a party. So when we got there, there was like a lot of people there. You guys were set up, sent it to somebody else, like two fucking male jiggalos. You got referred to another girl to double team. So we went over to the house and she's having a party. She's like, come on in. So she sat us down and kind of like interviewed us. She's like, all right, I think you guys are cool. Come back tomorrow night. And we're like, all right. So we just left the party, went back the next night and just went at it. She was another one. She just opened up like a custom wooden box with just Trojans in it. And it sucked because she was shuffling through them and she handed me just a regular one and then she was kind of searching and she just gave Al a magnum, big fucking dick condom. I blindly believe everything you tell me. I want you to know that. But your stories are that of somebody. It looks, all the stories like you and Al, should have at some point had to like lower your glasses to look at each other and be like, uh-huh. Oh, I think we picked the right vacation spot. I remember. Me and her crazy goes, then her boyfriend comes in. So I'm hiding under the bed, then they have sex. Then Al comes in there and knocks him unconscious with this big fat dick. We were having- Woo! She was blowing, she was blowing him. And I was banging her doggy style and I was slapping her ass. And I was just cracking it. She was like, oh yeah, she was getting so into it. And then I wound up slapping my own ass. I just remember her turning around going, did you just slap your own ass? It was just a slap, silence. And then did you just slap your own ass? I was like, yeah, I don't know, is that bad? Did that ruin the referral system? No, no. I remember, she went like this. She's like, not to get too disgusting. Did you ever get- We have a guest here and I apologize. Did you ever get to the final boss of tag team pussy? What? You and Al? I remember, she's like, we're gonna come. And she goes like, oh, I want you both to come in my face. And we're like, all right. So I came and it just came out regular, but Al's monster dick. I remember he filled up her eye socket like a leg. Yeah. And I was just like, ugh. And I remember she had to like lean over to the side and let it just drain out like there was a beaver dam and then I remember she goes, she goes, it's okay, it's all right. She goes, you guys hungry? I'm like, yeah, she goes, I have chili. I'll make chili. She went downstairs and made us chili. What's that, fuck food? No, not at all, but it was really good. She made us chili and she just had one, one of her eyes was shut. From Al's sick ass load. I remember I was shut and all red from Al's stupid load. I will tell you, I don't care. Sometimes I come more, sometimes I come less, but I will say if I was coming in a room on a girl with another guy, immediately in my head becomes unspoken competition. And I would feel like I was like, oh, I just fucking, you know, I just hit like the upper lip and maybe chin, but like the other guy hosed her down. I would just respectfully leave. Yeah, I was. I wouldn't accept the chili for, chili goes for the winners, chili's for winners. Yeah, well he did, he did get a dollup of sour cream. I didn't. Absolutely, and fresh jalapenos on top of his. A little cheddar cheese on top. Oh, a little cheddar jack mix. You just got a slice of fucking craft single. She just slapped on top of your shitty bowl. Yeah, it was disgusting. I just remember looking. And then she goes, great news boys. I have another friend who's in town looking to get filled up. Oh, oh yeah, Bobby. It looks like the fucking Bang Boys are back at it again. It's Bobby Kelly and Al DelBennie in license to drive three. What's that? It's gonna be a comic thing. Like it's so funny how many of my guy friends have just like tag teamed girls with their homies. Yeah, but back in the 80s. It's just like something they do. I promise you, you know my personality to know enough, this has never happened in a situation where the girl ultimately wasn't like, hey, let's do this. It's never been me coaxing somebody into doing that. I would think no one's gonna do that. No, it's not that such a funny thing. I didn't have girlfriends. I had pretty slutty girlfriends. I didn't have girlfriends that were going out like banging two guys together. No, you don't know. They may have not told you that because it's the ultimate. Maybe, I'm just like, wow. How many girls are good to do it? You never did it in your life? Never. I wonder if Dawn's ever done it. She has. No, she hasn't. She told me on Thanksgiving. She asked you on Thanksgiving? She told, yeah, she has no Thanksgiving. Hey, will you not come bang me out in the fucking reading room? You wanna straight my shit over Bobby's reading square? It was never, but you're right. It was never, it was always the girl was into it 100%. It's not a matter of even being into it though. It's like you're easing into it with these little games to see where they're at. No, no for sure, but I mean, I mean the one, the fucking me, my buddy Glenn and Metzger, that girl, we were playing Truth or Dare, and then she did, I mean, almost identically, I mean, she didn't put on an alpha or anything, but she was just kinda like, hey, do you guys just wanna fuck instead of like dilly-dallying around and have me look at your wiener for 10 seconds? Yeah. Just leave it out and we'll all fuck, and we were all like, pfft. Yeah. That wasn't how we thought that was gonna go, but all right. Yeah, it is a weird thing when they're like, hey, let's do this. No, that's what I'm saying, but if that didn't come up, like again, like even when we went there, the three of us, you're almost like, in your mind, so funny, cause like how reversed this is in your head as you get older too, but in my mind, I'm like, best case scenario, we all get the fucker together. Well, worst case, one of us is going to, you know what I mean, where it's like now it'd be like, you'd almost be like in a situation like that at this age where I'd be like, who do you are interested in? Like I just look at it this early, before I don't wanna be part, like I'd rather not fuck with another guy in the room, if possible. I've had that, I've had the, I've been unpicked a few times too, that's a shitty feeling. Oh, I told, When you get unpicked, when it's like, everything's going great, you think it's gonna be you three, and then at the last moment, she's like, she whispers in his ear, and he's like, hey dude, you mind sitting in the lobby for a little bit? And I'm like, yeah, dude, I'll go. You just have to be out in the lobby, waiting for your friend to have a good time. I know I told you this, but that was down in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, at that Rascals Club, we were all there, we had Me, Josh Wade, DeRosa. In the hotel. In the hotel. Yeah. We had two rooms only, so it was gonna be like. Except for the man is a Rascals. It was Rascals. Okay. It was South Jersey. It was two, we had two rooms with two beds in each, and it was gonna be like, one room's my room, I was like closing the show, and I had the other rooms for them. But these three girls came back, or two girls came back, I'm sorry, these two girls came back, and they were hanging out and everything, and then the one was already in our friend Josh, he pulled these girls initially anyway, so she was all over on him, and me and DeRosa were over there, fussing around with this other one, who no one's even really nice until he attracted to, but it's, again, we're just in our 20s, so we're like, whatever, who cares? And then the girl, but me and the girl are like, DeRosa's like milling around a lot, me and this girl are kind of like sitting on the bed a bunch together, and it seems like she kind of likes me, and we go, yeah, so let's do a thing, yeah, wanting, gay sex, serious sex, huh? I'm so confident that she, and I'm almost at this point going, DeRosa's like fucking milling around, I said dude, beat it, you see where this is going, and then we were like, so she's like, well, I'm not gonna do anything with both of you, she goes, but what should we do? And I go, well, look, I'm giving such a speech, I'm like, we're all adults here, okay? It whatever you wanna do, you wanna do, and if not, like the other person will go, no harm, no foul, we're all friends, everything's not a big deal. And she was like, I don't wanna say it makes me feel bad, and I was like, well, then write it down, I'm pushing, I'm like, let's get on with this so we can get Joe out of here, and we can start dunking Doodle. And then she writes it down on a piece of paper, and I go, all right, she goes, I'm so sorry, like she goes, I'm so sorry, I just outwardly, and I go, all right, I'll read it, and I'm already in my mind, giving like the, what's the face I'm gonna give Joe, like, sorry, Joe, but you gotta, and it just says Joe, it says Joe, but I go, so I want this, before I said a word, no, I'm like this, I went, I go, this is the person you wanna stay or go? She goes, stay, she goes stay, and I was like, yeah, I think I just keep going, like, no, that's cool, I just gotta leave me scoop up all my stuff here, and get all my stuff, and then go, I believe in what I said, I meant what I said. This is before, this is before lap time, by the way, if anything, that's me today, I'm like, oh, good, I'm gonna go back in my room and watch the Sixers game or the UFC event this week, do you know what I mean, like there's my laptop, this is when you go back to the thing, and it's like, I guess I'm gonna watch Coach alone, I thought we were gonna order food altogether later, but I'll be here by myself. And you go back, and you're like, Derosa, how was it, he was like, yeah, wasn't that great? You're like, oh, good, good, good, well, I was lonely. It's so funny, asking her again, I go, you wrote down who you wanna stay, right? Or who you wanna stay or who to go, she goes, stay, like, oh, I made this weirder and weirder, so I keep going. Did you keep the note? No, no, that, and there was the, yeah, the note thing was, that was one of the best, same club, and Nate Bargatio, there was a girl that I hooked up with before, came to the show, and I was like, oh, we're hooking up again. And then she just seemed to take a liking to Nate, Nate wasn't doing anything, you know what I mean? He was just like being there, she just liked him, and that night she ended up getting drunk, and like, she didn't hook up with anybody, or anything, and she left. And in the morning we're driving back to New York, and this is Nate's, yeah, Nate, keep in mind this, this is like a Nate, like he's excited he's on the road with me, this is Nate Bargatio now, you know what I mean, he's like worried about things, like me not liking having him on the road with me, yeah, I remember the fucking Nate with a shitty car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so there, really, so we're driving back and Nate goes in his pocket, and just pulls out a piece of paper, and it's from that girl. It says Joe. Never forget Joe, it's never gonna be you. Give this to Jay, he forgot this last time he was here. Oh yeah, the Joe paper, now we're driving back, and it's a letter from her, and it's just kinda like, hey Southern boy with the sexy accent, you know, if you're, she just basically hits on him, whatever, you know, I really, like, it was a great meeting, and I'd love to see, you know, here's my number maybe, or whatever, and he's just kinda like, oh man, he's like, thank God I figured, how much did I have to explain that, you know, I think it was like, it was with Laura, I think still, but he was just, he was completely innocent in the situation, it's just, he's looks at the thing, so I go, you know, I'm going home to Carla, my aunt, so I'm going like, fuck, I better look through my, she probably, this fucking crazy bitch probably left me a note, and I'm going through every fucking pocket, and everything I own, and watching Nate sit there, Nate's face is saying like, man, I really hope he finds a note, because Nate's like, doesn't wanna be like, this girl that he hooked up with before now, like, do you know what I mean, like he was already felt like I was gonna be, which I wasn't, but he thought I'd be mad at that, and so he's just sitting there going like, please find a note, man, he wanted me to pull out a note so bad that she wrote something to me too, and I drive him awkwardly like, hey, sorry that girl that you hooked up with didn't like you anymore and like me. You found a note that said, not you? Yeah, yeah, he goes, tell Nate how much I wanted to fuck him. At what point? When you were like looking through your pockets, like up till the very last piece, were you thinking you were going to find a note, or like, did you realize at some point? I think I may have pulled over to the next, like there's Jersey Tarrant Pike, so I probably pulled off the next rest stop, so I was like, I can't go home and have this fucking note fall out of my bag, I'm gonna have a whole bunch of shit at home. I mean, I don't know if I did unzip the bag, but I mean, I went through like pockets, everything I could possibly go, my book bag that was out there, things that she was never in contact with. The Trunks. Things she's never gonna come through. You went through the Trunks? Yeah, I'm doing things, you got some sort of like a fucking mirror on a stick I could put under the car, like you gotta check for bombs. Hey Nate, check the glove real quick, man. Nope, just insurance papers and stuff, okay. Did you open them up and wag them out, because she may have stuffed it in there really deep. This chick likes to hunt. Nate was just like basically hanging out of his pocket. He was like, oh, what's this? A note she left in clear plain sight. And he was just like, why'd I have to say anything? Oh my God, yeah, he was just like, fuck dude, he's like, I went on the road with this guy for one of the first times, and I've just stole a fucking chick without it, like unwittingly, like lost him, buzzy. Ah, it's so funny. Well, going on the road and like having a hotel room, when you first, you know, and it was near the club and not getting something was like the saddest. Cause you just be, cause my whole thing you go, I'd be looking at girls from stage of trying to, you put my leg up on a fucking monitor. I mean, look, like hit a punchline and then look right down and go, you like that one, didn't you? You wouldn't have seen your schmucks. Yeah, you know what I mean? And then just blast off stage and try to hook up, you know, just to give that moment. And then, but going back to the hotel and not like not getting anybody sucked. I was always able to like, I bring video games on the road was always a fine thing. Bringing friend on the road was always a huge thing to not give a shit about that too. You know what I mean? Yeah, I never did that. Like I just bring, like me and Dave, I mean, our stories of hooking up on the road with people were like, not that many, quite honestly, but I mean, so many fun nights of like, even it even was like the almost, then we just go back and play video games, get stoned. You didn't smoke pot. You have no other vices. I have no other. So it's gonna be food. Yes, food. But me and Dave could live the food if there was a pussy, great. If not video games, weed. So we were kind of like, I mean, health wise, terrible time for me for that. Mine was pussy and food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I was either gonna meet a checker, I was gonna order a lot of food. But I never thought I'd see a day where my motivation for comedy was much beyond pussy. And it is funny how that just does fade with age and time and just doing it long enough. I really, it's like I said, my social anxiety beats out looking for any kind of fucking female adoration after a show anymore. I don't go out and do too much meet and greet or something. I do the meet and greets, but the growth, I never have a, I mean, everyone wants a while, but most of the time it's my age chicks, with some old fat hump on the back of their neck from fucking reading too much. Yeah, it is funny. I wish, it's funny that how much my opportunities as I got older probably are more attractive women. As like, you know, just like notoriety and, and like, you know, I've lost weight in my life stuff, have gotten better. Cause when I was younger and doing it, I mean, they're funny stories, but I wish I had less of like, you know, goofy husband watches his morbidly obese wife blow me in a fucking Mohegan son fucking. I'm like, oh my God, what am I doing? It's just like, I have to do something so bad that I'm just yes to this. Yeah. Bobby, it looks like we picked the right Mohegan son. All right, we're going to take a break. We got a very special guest coming in, Ian Finance is coming in. Finance. I say finance. But there's, there's no end. I've heard it both ways. But it's spelled the way it said. But I say it finance. Cause that's the way he likes it. I don't have an argument. Okay. Ian Finance is coming in finance, whatever the way you want to say it. Nope, none of the two you said. Finance. It's FID. It's finance, finance. I feel like you just see the FI and just assume that it's. Or finance. You're, look at the first few letters and then just guess what the rest of the word is kind of guy. With most names. I appreciate that. I love, that's why I love doing the show with big J. Oka. Yeah. I just make, I just give you big J's. You don't have to worry about it. One syllable piece. I actually am going to call you Mr. O. He called himself Mr. O last night. He's coming. He's got a whole thing he's promoting. Christine scrolled off it so I can't see it. Yeah. What does he got? A new travel show on YouTube produced by. YMH. YMH. Your mom's house studios. Called Ian Dew and Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs. New episodes premiere every other Tuesday. YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy. Finance. It's Fidance if you're going to go to the. Fidance. Fidance, whatever. We'll be right back. Big J this weekend. He's going to be, he's headliner. Orlando. Yeah, Orlando. This Friday and Saturday. I'm going to be at the cell at Friday night. Come down and see me scream. We'll be right back to the modifier.