Dove Cameron: Toxic Patterns, Engagement, & Entering 30's

What is up daddy gang it is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy daddy daddy Dev Cameron welcome to call her daddy. Thank you so much. It's so nice to meet you. It's so nice to meet you too. You just turned 30. Yeah. How are we feeling? Honestly I feel great about 30. I looked right down the barrel of the lens. I was like I feel great about 30. I don't really have any like hang-ups about it as far as I can tell so far. Like I feel like I have always felt older than I was and I think in a lot of ways I was like waiting to be in my 30s because I feel like for me at least when I was younger I was really like wanting to be heard, wanting to be taken seriously, wanting to be respected at a younger age than people were willing to give that to me. And so I've always felt like the older I got the closer I got to feeling like the world was perceiving me in the way that I perceived me. I think that is so real because I feel like the society makes us feel like oh my god your 20s are going to be the best years of your life. You're going to have so much fun and like I feel like I've been so fortunate to sit with women on this show who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s. I just sat with Michelle Obama and she was like, wait girl, this is the decade. 60s are the shit. I'm like okay so I do think we kind of are brainwashed almost to think specific eras of our youth are going to be incredible. Yeah. What do you think you're personally excited to leave behind in your 20s? God, just feeling not so like feeling like I don't deserve a seat at the table yet because like I really gaslight myself and I have crazy imposter syndrome around like what I deserve, what I have earned, if I'm good at something, do I know enough about this to call myself by this title and I feel like in my 20s it was so much like self sabotage and second guessing and hiding away because I didn't take myself seriously and then there's something about so late 20s to now 30 that I feel like even I can't really tell me that I don't know what I'm doing in this area of my job. I feel like I've well and truly earned some things that like in my 20s I was a little more reticent to give myself credit for. So like that's something I'm really looking for. I also just think like in general I know this is really surface level and kind of easy but like people pleasing in general was something that I was so guilty of and so under the influence of like and it wasn't it wasn't because I wanted people to like me it was coming from a place of like I just don't want to upset anyone so real and so unrewarding because actually what you're saying is we actually start to clue into I don't need to people please as much I actually don't need to dress for the male gaze or I don't need to do these things so we're actually getting wiser and that's terrifying to the society that we live in of oh my god a woman in her power how dare she actually use her what use her voice and stand up for herself and so it's a whole thing to repress us but then I just I'm speaking all these women recently and they're like we it's amazing like why does it always feel like we grow up as these young girls and we're like so terrified of aging because there's so much rhetoric around yeah you basically disappear and and your worth is essentially gone if you're not like a fresh twenty one year old and that's why love these conversations were like guys again I'm sitting with the woman who's like I'm feeling better what a concept yeah I think like I think that I mean if you look at the who would benefit from the messaging of you're only valuable when you are barely legal you're only valuable when you don't know yourself yet you're only valuable when your body still has like leftovers of looking like a child like if you look at those things and you ask yourself like what is the demographic that benefits from that messaging it's not us like it's not pushing that no like being you know there's a there's a vested interest in highlighting those years that truly in my experience were the worst fucking years like my 20s were the worst so I think there's a vested interest in glorifying that because then it sort of keeps us in a position of yeah disempowerment I do think also something interesting you just said is you've always kind of felt older and I think there's a beauty yes of getting older but then we also we have to talk about our looks right where it's like it can feel great but then there's the standard yeah that we feel pressure especially in this industry have you ever felt pressures around Botox or fillers or editing and all of that that comes with our job to maintain your stance in this industry yeah that mean that's a really good and I think like I had think I have a complex answer around that when I was younger I had a really intense sort of set of like rules and strictures about like what I was allowed to be and two people wanted me to be and how I was going to represent that dive headfirst into that always be that right and a huge part of that was like an infantilization and like I was just so scared to not be 18 like that was something that was really scary for me not because I believed it but because the culture was so loud about it and especially my position in the culture starting out on Disney Channel being blonde and being so bubbly and open with with the world in a way that was not healthy for me and so a couple years ago I had this big reckoning with myself I had like finally let my body just be what it is like I stopped doing all the things to my body that I was doing before that were really self-harming and so I processed a lot and I wrote a lot and I went to a lot of therapy and I came out on the other side of it like I guess sort of externally recognized but I really feel like I've bucked any sort of fear about aging in that way and it's beautiful to hear you say like it's actually happened recently Oh yeah I also think like this is sort of an accidental thing that happened but like I think so much of what I was doing to myself which is a very broad umbrella because like I don't want to trivialize any of the things that I was going through experiencing doing to myself but under that very broad umbrella of all of the things that I used to do that I now no longer do part of what made it really clear to me that I didn't want to torture myself anymore and for me it was torture like for me it was torture anything aesthetic or anything to do with food or overexercising everything in that genre of like shape shifting I would call it for me was really self-harming because it wasn't for me it wasn't to feel beautiful it was in fact to be to feel safe like it I had it in my head that like if I was physically perfect no one would harm me like in this really weird kind of juvenile way of like maybe I'll be accepted maybe I'll be loved maybe the bad bad things that used to happen won't happen it was like this way of controlling the one thing I could control to hopefully create an environment where like bad things wouldn't happen I don't know if that makes any sense it does I came from such a crazy background and like litany of experiences that I was just looking for anything to grab onto that felt like this is my choice can we get into your background because I want to get into all of this like there's so many things that you're talking about that I think are unfortunately but realistically like very relatable for a lot of women who are going to be listening today and so I think kind of having a little bit of your background and understanding where you came from I think we'll also give more context to then these themes that we're going to talk about okay let's go all the way back to the beginning grew up on a small island in Washington what was your town like paint the picture Bainbridge Island shout out Bainbridge Island a world that only exists for the people that live there like big population small small I mean like 20,000 okay so like for an island small but for like a town maybe medium I don't know I don't know I've lost a lot of the scale but Bainbridge is really idyllic it's like you so you're in Seattle you land in Seattle you take a ferry boat 20 minute ferry boat ride you can walk on or you can drive on it's like 180 cars or something someone's going to have to back me up on that she's like and it's super quaint like it's very there's like no crime you know they like opened up a weed store like 10 years ago like if there's any crime it like rocks the fucking it's like 10 years and then nothing nothing happens after that it's kind of like the things that you see on TV like the small town everyone knows everyone it's very that it's also like the businesses are named after the family that's been there for five generations and they all like I went to school with the same less names of my sister and my mom and everybody you know got it it's like that and what did you do for fun as a kid oh God fucking nothing I mean like no because it's no because it's it's such a beautiful place but it's like you know one of those places where like the kids start like smoking weed really early because they're just so bored like it was like that because you know it wasn't me I mean like I was hanging out with those kids but I was like scared classic yeah pretending you're smoking but you're like I was like I'm a singer I was like going to musical theater being like no but I I didn't I didn't but I was in with that like I got you know you I got a tattooed 14 kind of town of the Capricorn tattoo yeah community theater what did you like about being on stage like were you confident young girl like ready to go and okay I was I was one of those like I think I was probably pretty annoying like when I was younger I was like I was very confident I was very friendly I was very just personable like I was very wanted to talk to everyone wanted to be friends very loud like I don't know I grew up with parents who like were artists and so they were like however you want to be you be her and I was like great got it like written it down got it so I was very confident I was very um for a while and then I feel like middle school kind of like beats it out of you middle school on the other side you like wait you're like being perceived people hate me I think um something that's really relatable the middle school commentary is like and it makes me sad for our younger selfs is there's the version of us before like you said being perceived by your peers and there's the version of you at home that just has this endless idea of who you can be in the world that you want to be in and then you start to interact and life happens and horrible things happen and then that starts to mold you which is just life and I know obviously something horrible happened when you were eight years old um your best friend was murdered by her father which is like saying that out loud I like don't even know how to communicate how sorry and I can't even imagine how painful that time was and even still decades later how painful that must be even to talk about it um do you mind those sharing like how you found out this news and what happened during that time in your life because eight years old is like life is great and then yeah yeah yeah it was really yeah I guess it was like that we we had a very sort of like a yeah I did like sort of foresty childhood Haley was her name she um lived also on the island for the majority of our childhood and uh we had met when we were two like it was just one of those things where you know like they're like some little girls they meet each other and they're like oh that's like you just yeah um and it's funny I rarely talk about this not because it's like a it's a problem to talk about but just like it's so not the first thing that people usually ask me um but she uh her parents had gotten a divorce and it was really um messy and I had stayed with her dad for like quite a lot of the summer before this happened and I think even at eight I like it was like a dark energy right like he was a very angry man um and I was at home one day sick from school so it must have been like third grade um and I it was we had like landlines and it was like that era where if you picked up a landline like my parents were in their office like uh in a different building you know nearby at home and I was at home and they they had an income and call for their office and I picked it up because I was just like a kid and I was just like listening in um and it was actually our preschool principal who was tasked with making the call Janice um who was an angel an absolute angel and that's where we met um and she basically said like this is going to be a really really disturbing call um Haley and Kelsey are gone Steve is gone and he took the girls with him is what she said like just very quick and I think my it was my mom on the phone and I remember her like decompressing not knowing how to handle it and then I think they heard me like express some sort of child noise whatever that was like a gasp and then I they came in and and then we just like didn't get out of bed for like two days because it was so impossible to process and eight years old like why I wanted to ask you about that more is because I think that is so formative for everyone around you but it's like that's something that like stays in your body because I feel like at that young of an age and I'm sure a lot of people can relate to trauma at young ages not that exact trauma but like there's something as human beings where when it's that young you probably don't talk about it that much at that young age because like what is mental health and how do you even speak about these things so you internalize it in your body and then yeah sticks with you yeah how do you think losing her kind of started to shift the way that you saw the world it's a really good question um I think well my parents tried to put me in therapy for a while because I think even they knew like because it even at the time like this was 22 years ago so it's like mental health wasn't the internet wasn't what it was my parents didn't really know like there was no therapy speak in the way that we all kind of can psychoanalyze each other and like pop psychology yes each other now like they really didn't know um but they knew enough to put me in therapy like I was very very very very very very disturbed by knowing someone for all that time and being like raised around them and then realizing that they are capable of doing something so harrowing and I think that that kind of like fissured my psychology like my brain and how I process things like kind of like I don't want to be dark but like kind of forever like I still have issues and you know there were more things that happened that sort of echoed that experience but I still have experiences where I'm like I'm grateful for the relationships that I have as long as I have them I'm grateful for the good things as long as I have them because truly at any moment it can be just an entirely flipped script black and white situation which I think I have acceptance around because I've had so much practice at it but I also think like you know it is something that I I think I forget is is playing is running my brain so much like it's really the source of most anxiety I know in the past you you kind of talked about how this death accelerated a darkness that was going on in your own home yeah can you kind of explain what you meant by that yeah I think I don't actually know as an adult like how to rationalize the correlation between this loss and then sort of subsequently what happened with my family but I think it was just like my mom could probably tell you better but I think it was just sort of an invisible shipping away at an already sort of shaky foundation that was my parents marriage and I want to stay from the beginning like my mother is my mother is totally okay with me speaking about this stuff I would never speak out of turn I think my dad would be too but I think it was my parents were not a love match like my parents were not a love match my dad was at least at the very least not straight they got married because they got pregnant and it was like my dad came from a Catholic family and they had love for each other like I see home videos from when I was little or before I was born and like I think my dad truly loved my mom just not as a husband and wife romantic yeah and I I don't think he ever fully accepted that about himself and so they just had this sort of like they both wanted something from each other that the other person couldn't give right and and I knew that there was something off with your whole life. I think I would say right around eight I would say right around that time. It's funny someone called me out once for being like damn so much shit happened to this girl when she was eight and I was like actually yeah that was kind of years ban her year that was the big year the big eight for you. It's like 21 or 18 for like eight my frontal lobe developed it eight try me. Yeah that's true. This is a paid ad by better help I think it's so important especially for women to talk about people who've been in your life that have helped you right you don't have to go through things alone maybe it's your sister your best friend your partner your you know a female figure you have it's important that we are able to identify people who we can go to and hard moments you shouldn't have to do this alone women deserve to be celebrated right but we should also recognize that many women carry emotional weight at work in relationships and families and in the roles they play for each other whether you're navigating career expectations parenting caregiving or more therapy with better help can help you check in with yourself unpack what's feeling heavy and build healthier pathways forward daddy gang make sure you're taking care of yourselves we all look to women in our lives but it's a lot of pressure also for us to carry so much so take care of yourself and make sure people around you are taking care of themselves as well your emotional well being matters find support and feel lighter in therapy sign up and get 10% off at better help dot com slash daddy that's better HLP dot com slash daddy in terms of your childhood in your home your dad struggled with depression and bipolar disorder and that that's a lot that's a lot to as a kid handle and I'm sure you're sitting here today with a different perspective on it had I met you 10 years ago and then had I talked to you 15 years to 20 years because I'm sure as you become an adult you have a different perspective and you're able to process things differently and empathy comes into play but when did you realize that he was struggling with these things like did your family have a conversation about a diagnosis? you know yeah we did it was such a fucking blur but I knew I knew that there was something because like I said I was a very precocious kid like I was not there was never a time where I was sheltered and then suddenly I was like big new world like I was at the adult you were clued in table yeah yeah in a big way and not in a way that I regret either like in a way that I actually think is what I needed I think the thing that I would say is what I was the most aware of was that my dad had really intense emotional swings like I knew that I knew how to be prepared for that I knew how to hopefully work around that which also then like obviously splinters off and so like how your brain works as you get older and affects who you date and what you accept but that's not like I I know this might be controversial this is just my personal opinion about my my father but I truly don't think it was his fault I think he was so traumatized and so repressed and he had a really really really really really rough childhood and life and all of that and I think that he was doing his best with the tools that he had and he didn't have enough tools and you know there were times when like if something completely divorced from something that I did or my my sister and my mom did happen but it was like we were the person in the room not really my sister my sister and him were were better about this because she was just less combative and I think she would also be okay with me saying that like she was much more like she had learned to avoid his triggers in like a different way whereas I would try to avoid them and then if they happened I would sort of like fight back because I was like you I don't care that I'm 12 you cannot talk to me like that which was not something that works well right not something that earned me gold stars in the family household and my mom I think loved it my mom was I was like go baby but my dad really didn't like being challenged and so we had a bit of a tenuous relationship as I got older but I you know I would come home and something would happen and suddenly like all the VHS would be in the trash maybe like you know more nice things you cannot have this like you are being punished for this thing and it was like for what you know it was just something it was something that was happening in his brain purely for him that like he had either like miss labeled like something that I had done wrong that was like I think I've told the story before but like I had this Barbie bubble gum toothpaste and one day he came home from the office like really stressed and he used it in this kind of like aggressive joking way like I'm going to take the toothpaste and I like a eight year old was like no that's my two like ew germs whatever I say and he heard that as like he was like I pay for everything in this how you know like in this sort of like you don't know how good you have it and then for like a week like wouldn't talk to me wouldn't look at me wouldn't tell me he loved me like just really just really strange like things that at the time I didn't recognize for what they were because now it was strange then it's not strange now you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind of you kind And when you would be, you know, going back and challenging your father and be like, no, I'm going to stand up for myself. As at such a young age, I'm assuming though when it got heightened to some capacity, I don't know. I don't want to speak for you. But like there could be moments you had to dissociate or go into survival mode because you're like, oh my god, this it. Okay. The face. You're like girl. No, yeah. What behaviors did you or you can now look back and recognize you started to lean into in these really heightened, traumatic moments with your father? I actually just wrote a song about this, um, called Silver Screen Baby, uh, and about sort of my desperation to escape to Hollywood. Um, I had this like very, like bullish sort of headstrong belief. That like my home was not ever going to feel like home in the way that it felt like to the other girls that I went to school with. Um, because I'm going to be honest, just like to a slight delineation, but like my home was also magical. Like that's the weird thing about living with a parent who deals with, you know, um, struggles with their mental health. It's some days are really beautiful and some days, some days are weeks, some days are long stretches of time and you're like, oh, and then you settle and then it's like, you know, upended again. Um, so I don't ever want to make it seem like, you know, my childhood was, um, only one thing. It was also exceptionally beautiful and special and my parents were great parents in a lot of ways. Like my mom has always been the perfect mom. Like I'm so big on saying that, um, she just got saddled with a very difficult, um, like workload and situation, which wasn't really her, uh, design. But, but my dad also was exceptional. Like there's a reason that I have spoken so highly of him and written so many songs about him and why I care so much about mental health is because it is a, it's not in your character. It's an affliction. It's, it's something that there's a reason why we say people struggle with mental health. It's chemical. It's not a fucking choice. It's so like I, you know, I, I look at my dad as the, as the parts of him that were so, so magical, right? Like the parts of him that, uh, sorry. I fully came in today and I was like, I'm not. No, sorry. No, you're fine. Sorry. I, um, so much of who I am is my mom, right? So much of who I am, but so much of who I am and who I grow into now. I look back and I retroactively realize was my dad and, uh, sorry. It's like the, the parts of him that I never got to meet as I got older, I get to meet them as I become them, which has been like a really profound experience, you know, because I remember all these things about him. And as I get older, I see them coming out in my personality like on accident and I'm like, oh my god, like it feels like getting a sort of a piece of closure is, is kind of like following a road map that, that, um, has been leading me towards really feeling like his daughter, you know, because I, fucking love him. He's so special and it's such a shame to never get to know your parent fully. I think, um, what I think a lot of people are going to sit here and also cry with you as I'm crying because I have someone so close to me that has a very similar experience to you, um, in it with a father and losing father to bipolar and it's so complicated. And as we talk about it all the time and our personal moments, um, and what I'm hearing from you, which is so helpful because it's like, oh, this is a relatable feeling where it's like the highs are so high. And that doesn't mean that they're not high. It's like, yeah, and with a parent, you need to hold on to those beautiful moments. Like we can sit here and of course, it's like we're talking about the really hard moments in your childhood with this because we're not saying your father intentionally hurt you. But as a human being, sitting in front of me, we would be remiss to not acknowledge that so much. Yeah, there was hurt, not intentional, but it did form. Then who you are as a human being or your personality or your behaviors or what then you went on to accept. And so you, it's like we have to talk that through also to acknowledge who, how strong you are. But then, right? There's the moments where you now can look back at your father and be like, but then there was this creative side to him and there was this like brilliance to him. And so bipolar is really fucking confusing to the people around people like that because you see two different sides to someone and one day you'll wake up and think about the good side and then the other day you think about the bad side. And that's really confusing because most people, you're like, this is who this person is. And you can kind of be like in one sentence, but with this, you're like, there was a lot going on. I also will very, very earnestly say that the patterning that my brain found around like, is the person who does the thing and then the person who's there for cleanup. That really fucked me up in my dating life. I cannot imagine because you're learning at a young age because it's your blood and your father to put up with and you're innately seeking love from your parent who you're half of. But then when you then are so used to something more also like so used to yes, but also like the thing that I could not let go of in my 20s, which is another thing that we are leading behind the list as long. One thing that I fucking couldn't let go of I couldn't conceptualize was if my dad could do those things, but I know he loved me. Can I believe someone who can do those things to me in a romantic relationship who then tells me they love me and they almost went hand in hand for me for a long time. And you know, sometimes I look back and I blame myself for staying in those relationships. Sometimes I look back with great empathy and I say I couldn't have known better. Sometimes my empathy even extends as far enough to say that they couldn't have known better. But then I die. I'm like, wait, no, you definitely could have known better. Right. Yeah. And then there's kind of situations that accidentally mirrored your father and your relationship completely. Did you ever have a moment in a relationship where it got to those moments of the most heightened where it was like scary where you then look at yourself and you're like, wait, how, how am I putting myself in danger? Oh, yeah. No, I'm also, I wrote a song about that also recently, which I won't share right now because it's one of my favorite songs I've ever written and I just want to like keep it for the album. But that was actually one of the reasons that one of my relationships that I was in ended was it came to a very very not physical not physical but a very very very very very scary moment that I was like I'm in a document this like I'm calling my mom right now. I'm calling all my friends like and it was but it was something it took it took me it took me up until that to be like okay wait this isn't love and it's not threshold though duh my threshold was high girl my threshold was crazy I and I also I also it's such a weird thing to try to explain to people who have never been in this position I loved that person I was in love I was I was in love and and it's hard to conceptualize like people who are like but how can you love someone who does those things to you and yes I would say now from a healed and healthy perspective I would agree I would I would also find it inconceivable. But I was going to say but but I think what we also have to have empathy with ourselves and other humans when everyone's like why did you stay and why did you do this how would you know any better of what you deserve when yeah within your own home there was a pattern and there was a procedure essentially that you all knew when this was happening this is how you fall in line and then he'll apologize and then we go back to normal and then we try to pretend it didn't happen and then another moment happens and then we get through it and so it was like this cyclical situation that you were going through that like that was your life and you just survived and lived so that when you get into a romantic relationship how would it be if someone had boundaries and treated you right and was respectful you'd be like when is the other shoe going to drop because you had never seen anything and yeah like that in your life and so then it takes you actually learning and and experiencing the world and talking to therapists and licensed people who actually are sitting there with you to be like let me walk you through this is not healthy this is trauma yeah well and also like huge bouts of alone time like I I hit like a two-year dating romantic sabbatical I was like a sabbatical yeah we take time off yeah yeah sorry I'm not sabbatical I just disappeared off the face of the plant like I there was a while where I was like whoa I'm broken like I'm a broken I don't want anyone I because I was just so disturbed like I was so disturbed by the places I had like gotten myself to and and what I had who I had chosen to love and who I loved like that's the thing is it it's complicated right and when you're speaking about these romantic relationships I and how you had said you know you have such empathy for understandably your mother who you watched in this relationship I think about how hard it is to leave something that is especially when you have kids yes um and I know I'd I'd read in an article you had said somewhere that before your parents got divorced things were getting very real and very adult at home what was the breaking point for your mom to get your family out that's a really good question um I think that I think that my sister went away to college and it was just me at home which like left them with 50% less distraction you know um I was really depressed like you know how sometimes there are those kids that go through like puberty and they're like you're like oh god yeah that was me I was like I didn't want to be awake during the night so I would like stay up all night I was being homeschooled I would like just watch movies and harkening back to the Hollywood thing I was like I I'm not supposed to be here I'm supposed to be among people who are gonna understand me and like in my mind my like 12-year-old mind I was like that's Hollywood because these people clearly they have an understanding for emotion and I felt so close to these people in these movies who are making this music and it always being done in this one big amorphous town they're all there like I was like great fucking get me there like I was like that's where I'm supposed to be um as a very child like you know understanding of the industry um and so I was doing this thing where I was not going to school and I was staying up all night to watch movies and because I was terrified of the nighttime because I was just like traumatized I had a hairpin trigger for any things that go bump in the night and the house was in the woods and I was like I don't know I'd always been a really anxious kid I think ever since Haley died I was just like very easily shaken and my parents were just kind of alone in the house and they ran a business together and um I don't know there was there was clearly uh some form of adultery happening like we're both of them we're just kind of like done done done done done um and so it was just time like I don't know how they could have carried on honestly and did you were you sitting in that house and feeling them both kind of doing their own things oh yeah no yeah they were just a terrible terrible match just like a decade of them slowly burning out so you eventually get your dream you are sitting there you're watching these movies you're dreaming about going to this land where everyone is and everyone's getting to act and perform and do all these things and you've watched this growing up for so long and then your parents get divorced and your mom and you go to LA and I remember reading that uh you were going for auditions and Disney said that you came off as dark and off-putting that's still so funny girl you are too dark for Disney they were like please stop smile yeah they literally asked my agents to stop oh my god they were like she's it's never gonna be her like give it up um but we came out and uh I was getting sent out on all this Disney stuff and I remember saying to my mom like I don't want to do Disney because I I felt like it was gonna be a lifelong commitment I felt like I had grown up watching the girls try so hard to like break away from it and be respected and I knew even when I was like 13 or 14 I was like this is gonna be hard like this is gonna be something really hard that sounds so ungrateful but like this was something before I got the opportunity that I was like I don't know I don't know because I really wanted to do um movies and TV shows that felt like more adult but for that age bracket like there were like you know you played the daughter of so-and-so or it also makes sense and I get what you're saying you're grateful but you're also I this whole conversation we've been talking about how you've always felt older than your age and that was the other thing right so you're like Disney like I've I've been watching these movies and I'm seeing myself in this older light and then to do Disney and again Disney was established at this point right like oh remembering my Santa Montana came out like that was that was new everyone didn't know that this could become this whole format Hillary Duff right when you came into it you had these people that you could look at and there was a blueprint essentially laid out of like now we're watching these people try to grow out of this persona and it's a whole stigma around it there was a whole like like people would write articles about like so-and-so gets a tattoo to be a bad and I was like I was like I'm on right I already have a tattoo like I was like I was like I'm like fuck fuck fuck like I better have a weed smoking I have the tattoo yes I was like there's no part of me that is like sheltered you know and I also was like I didn't think I could be funny at the time like I I perceived myself already as like too dark and too whatever for Disney everybody with my life had been insane like I was just not I was not gonna be the girl who came up like fresh-faced off the the you know the the what is that like the the gray hound buzz yeah being like here I am like it was not a charming story I was like what's up fuckers deeply disturbed yeah I was already deeply disturbed and so I was like they're never gonna pick me like fucking okay they did so live in Maddie then you get the show yeah they called me and they were like nine months after we shot the original pilot they were like hey your show's getting picked up I'll see you on Monday like but by the way you're playing twins you're like cool oh no I was like I was on the 405 or something my and it was like they called from like an anonymous number which they always do like they call from this like no caller ID oh my god like the Disney Pentagon literally yeah and it was like my mom's cell phone at the time and it was like no caller ID and we were on the 405 and we were like oh my god you know because we were like we were like we had my mom was melting down gold to pay for our rent like based on her own personal jewelry because she was a jeweler not because she had loads of gold right um and so we were like oh my god it was like the call that changed our lives yeah um and I took it and it was just such a beautiful experience like to harken back to the thing where I sound like massively ungrateful Disney Disney was some of the most fun and joyful times of my life like I I had a great fucking time on Disney channel which is why like you'll see me talking about it so because I'm not I know what it was I know that that's not who I am I know that it was like a thing that I did when I was a kid and when I was a teenager and it's something that like I look back on and I appreciate it for what it is like we recently rewatched all the descendants films and I was like these fucking movies are so insane that like I can't believe they got away with it like at the CGI dragons and like it's like it's like one long acid trip for kids right you know what I mean like I was I'm behind it I love it it's beautiful though that you're able to enjoy it because again I think maybe because of I don't know why like maybe like you said like seeing people in the comments and still remembering it I think it's okay that like it's like that was a version of you and I think sometimes understandably we tried to grow up quickly and we're like I don't want to be my younger version myself but how beautiful that that was such a huge part in your life and don't forget like you just said that you and your mom and the 405 and you needed this job and it changed your life my god Disney really like changed my whole fucking life and they supported me so much too like that was really the thing I had great relationships in there like you know there was the there was the thing that like is very expected which is just like I came into Disney yes with a tattoo at 14 and I was you know swearing as much as I swear now and I was a full adult and I had all this trauma like full adult but like you know for that age yes and I had all this trauma and basically they were like in like the friendliest way possible they were like okay so we love you you're not relatable and I was like perfect right that's fair and I believe you and so like they did everything they could to make me more relatable like God bless them they were like they were like so we want to make like a music video and have your best friend in it but like you know they wanted to make me more like I guess age appropriate and so they did that they were always very upfront about communicating about that and I was very team player with like when I would do interviews you know I would give the answer that you would give if you were talking to kids like that's really the thing that I think a lot of people get confused about with like who I was when I was on Disney and who I am now they're like there's a crazy contrast and it's like but no because I walked into this contract being like I'm on a children's network right you knew the formula if I went on and did an interview for Tiger Beat or Teen Vogue and I was talking like how I do now where I'm like okay like that would be stupid and also inappropriate like I'm 30 now I can do it now I could do it when I was 25 and forward it's like I I am no longer on a children's network even though they're syndicated for of course of course but it's like I think people think that it was like this crazy switch up when in fact I was just like a good employee this is the job this is the job yeah it was never a lie I'm just like not gonna swear or be naked or like I remember the first time I posted a picture in a bikini and like the internet lost their minds and I was like okay not yet yeah like never mind there yet see you in four years yeah I'll try again next year which is why like it's funny because I still sometimes get asked about like how did you break out of your Disney role or there she goes try to break out of your Disney role and I'm like I literally I actually I think I try super um I wouldn't say super hard but like I I have no interest in bursting any sort of Disney bubble because I truly believe like that's over there and those shows and movies live on forever that's not me and I'm over here doing this and they don't really cross for me and so I don't have any like desire to burst any balloons or illusions I also think like they're I see so much like someone will bring up like a song that I've released and they'll be like that's Dev Cameron and I'm like great so this these people are over here knowing this and these people are over here knowing this and that's okay you've grown and you've grown and you've changed you have the version of me that you want absolutely that's for you when you were on Disney obviously moving to Los Angeles kind of also circling back to the conversation of you move away from home did you have a relationship with your father when you moved to LA and got this role that is a very good question and a very complicated answer um my dad and I so my parents had split but not not for very long before we moved to LA and we my mom lived in like the tiniest apartment on Bainbridge and my dad still lived in our family home and I wanted to go live with my mom in the new apartment because it was like really close to the fairy boat and if I'm being honest I could sneak out of the house and go see my friends like I was like sliding screen door it was it was in like our little like town area you know um so I was staying there a lot uh and I think probably retroactively like my dad felt like I was taking my mom's side but then my sister kind of came home from college because she was like I don't love this college I want to be home um and there was a day where I was in my room at the family home a sleep and I was 13 12 13 like right before I moved to LA um and my dad wanted me and my sister to like come eat breakfast and bed and listen to the radio or watch a movie or something which like we were a very cuddly household like it was very like come down in your PJs and be half asleep and like I made eggs kind of thing um and he was like cloooo come down um and I was like no I'm sleeping you know whatever 12 year old answer you give and he was like you can be sleepy just like come down and be sleepy down here because you're never here so like come be with us and I was like okay and I came downstairs and I got in the huge bed and I went to sleep and I got woken up because he had thrown me out of the bed um and he was starting on some monologue about like you're so ungrateful you you don't even want to be here you are trying everything you can to get away from me like get out get out of the house um and I think that was a really important moment for me because I had finally had it confirmed for me that I was not the thing that was making my dad upset because when I was younger I really really blamed myself for anytime my dad would get upset it was my fault that's what you naturally think as a kid and in this situation I was asleep right um I don't think I've ever told this story actually I don't know I can't remember but um I it sounds like nothing but for me it was a really big deal because it I was woken up literally by like hitting the floor and hearing all these things and so my brain was able to like through adrenaline process like I couldn't have done anything to cause this because I was asleep he told me I could come down and be asleep this is all happening in his brain and so I rather than leaving I went upstairs to my room I packed a little stupid bag of like any suitcase that I had and I was like whatever 12 year old language I had that was the equivalent of like actually fuck you and I went downstairs and I called my mom on my like $20 flip phone that I had because I went to theater camp and I had to like be I had to call them I didn't have you know but I called her and I was out sitting on my suitcase and my dad came out and was like wait no sorry sorry and I was like no absolutely not like I'm cool on this I'm good on this I'm not gonna be talk to you like that I I think I remember saying something to him that like I wish I didn't say but was like you know like we're blood we're family but like I didn't choose to love you and like I choose to separate from you because this is not healthy for me you don't do it to mom you don't do it to Claire and clearly I'm not doing anything to cause it so like I'm not gonna be your outlet um and so I went to go live with my mom and then when we finally I finally convinced her to LA like the crazy you know 12 13 that I was I was like you're not gonna start over again like you just got divorced like you know there's so many more job opportunities and I love making shit up right and I was like please um you know we said goodbye we were like we're just gonna do this for six months and then we're gonna come back like my dad was super concerned about he was like I'm really scared Hollywood's gonna show you up and spit you out like whatever idiom he used and I was like no dad I'm gonna be fine and then I started booking things um and my dad came out to LA to visit because he had some like a trade show to do because they were wholesalers and so he brought like all of his stuff out and he stayed on our floor because again not really making any money um and he stayed on like a blow-up mattress and uh I remember I think I have spoken about this but it came out to be like like snuggle him and say goodnight um and he like rolled over and turned his back and was like can I close like I I think you should go to bed and I was like something bad's going on there but like I genuinely I thought it was my fault like I genuinely just thought I'd upset him by moving to LA like I didn't know what was happening or that he was like purposefully distancing himself in that way um so I went to bed and I tried my very best to like spend extra time with him and like lots of hugs lots of kisses lots of like you okay like kind of stuff and um and then he went back to Washington and it couldn't have been that many months after that that we got the call that he had yeah taken his life yeah so it was a bit of a like a blurry weird time to say the least I'm so sorry because even hearing from the bed incident to then you trying to connect with your father like there was so much clearly between the two of you how you're describing it never really happened to your mom and your sister where you really were yeah putting out bids for connection with him yeah and in moments he would take it in moments he wasn't capable right of taking it because of where he was at mentally yeah yeah you were always in the same place mentally yeah so you were always waiting and it kind of was always on his timeline and it was that's true right yeah I've never thought about it like you were there always with waiting for your dad and sometimes he would show up oh my god I'm gonna cry now and sometimes he wouldn't and so to have that last moment with him where you really tried and then to get that call I I can't even imagine who who did you get the caller did you mom like how did you handle that um thank you for that by the way because I actually very rarely have people be able to tell me something new that I haven't thought about so that's really like really helps me put it in a perspective thank you um because that's so the feeling right and it's like it's actually really hard to articulate that um so thank you um you were the constant yeah yeah yeah exhausting yeah and I think like you you know that's something that I really like I'm really happy that I grew out of um but it still shows up for me thematically so like you kind of synthesizing that for me so perfectly is gonna help me be able to tackle that is like not always feeling like it's my job to be the constant um yeah it's a good one like the constant the constant the constant yeah be inconsistent no give them nothing yeah exactly yeah you'd be the happy constant yeah I don't know how to do that um no but shit basic shit yeah just bring it back shit um we found out in in a really weird kind of layered way because um again techno community there was a woman who was like a kind of a like a lynch pin like a like a sort of a connection between um my mom and my dad who knew the whole family and she had messaged me on Facebook like that's how long ago this was and she was like she'd never messaged me before right um and she goes hey is your mom around and I was like stomach sink and I just knew I can't tell you why I knew um but it was not a normal interaction she had no reason to be talking to me I was however I was 15 you know um at this point and when I responded like no but she's gonna be home soon and she said okay and then it was like typing went away typing went away and she was like uh please tell her to reach out to her brother or something like that like please tell her to it wasn't called her that person it was like someone in the family and at my my childhood best friend at the time my other childhood best friend Carla was living with me and we were like watching cartoons and I was like oh my god I'm gonna remember this moment forever is the moment that my dad died and we were in my bed laughing watching cartoons um and my mom came home and she talked to her brother um and she put him on speaker um and he was really breathless and like sounded like you know he was running but I'm sure he was just like having a panic attack and he was like um I just went to the house um I can't even remember what he said before he said the last bit but Phil is no longer with us um and I I had a panic attack like I don't know like I I had a panic attack because I it's the most out of control feeling you can have is like the phone call um and actually all three of my big losses have come via phone call you know like which I guess is pretty standard because like what's what you're gonna happen in front of you it's a different thing um but I have like uh yeah major phone anxiety I think because of stuff like this um not to like get off topic but I it's such an alien thing to learn about something so like there's a before this and then there's an after this over the phone and like what the fuck is he gonna tell us like what how is he gonna phrase that in a way that like he can get through and then my mom having to like look to me and then my best friend who's there living with us looking to me and I'm looking at them and like I I think I ran out of the room I think I like I couldn't breathe like the brain just breaks like that's really the thing they don't tell you about trauma and actually like I think that's part of um like people people when they watch movies I think they get so accustomed to like oh when someone dies you're like oh my god they pat you go into this like animal mode like you you are fight flight or freeze you feel like you're gonna vomit your soul like I don't know how else to describe it it's it's like this horrible inexpressible fiery painful knife like thing and you're all you're trying to do is like purge it purge it purge it and it's impossible to purge I um I think that feeling is again like something a lot of people are gonna relate to because I think it like yes death is inevitable but you've experienced such sudden and unexpected loss that I'm not saying one or the other is easier it's just when something happened so unexpected like there is the shock and grief that are warped and wrapped together and not having time to say goodbye and and oh my god the worst oh like you're you're riddled with like so many emotions that you don't even know which one it happened to so then you're just like you just you're just there you're just there and you're existing and it's a horrible feeling in the days and and weeks um after you got this news what do you think for you is the hardest thing to wrap your head around um honestly the way it happened like because he took his own life and um I I wanted like I kept imagining because no one would tell me how he did it like I know that's really morbid but I I think I wanted to know I needed to know and and then it was worse when I knew and and they were right but like I wouldn't I would have I was torturing myself like trying to imagine and and like I think honestly and I'm gonna honestly try to stop crying because it's like it's a lot um but but I think honestly like the thing that still plays me like the thing that I'm still like because I can mostly for the most part talk about my life with a sort of a distance at this point like I can be like this is what happened this is how old I was is how I processed it this is the good things that came out of it this is how it evolved me in this way this is what I can be grateful for whatever like I have enough distance and also the body and the brain just shut down like I don't know if anybody who's listening to this can attest or relate to the fact that like the body does not want to process everything at once and so sometimes like your emotions the valves just don't feel like they're on so like I can talk about this like it happened to someone else um but sometimes the thing that like like I really wake up in the middle of the night like a like catch my breath kind of thing is is just imagining like his final moments alone where he was like do I do it or not you know and like like the he didn't even know you know like what stat thought process like or like you know did he think like if someone had called if you know it's that kind of thing where you're just like could it could it have been different and and what did that feel like for him and and did he know how loved he was did he feel loved was he was he mentally there like dude it's fucking it's fucked dude it's it's really fucked and I joke about my trauma because it's like what else are you gonna do but like oh god it's really the thing that like it's really the thing that it really brings you back to to earth and to what matters and like it puts everything in a perspective because I am so marked by death and I'm so marked by loss and there's a big part of that that I really appreciate because I I feel closer to the people that I love and I love differently and I I live my life differently and I I'm not so scared about things that I might be scared about how I not had like the you know the comparison of the Mount Everest of loss right like I um there's beautiful things that come out of everything does that mean that I wouldn't change them or take them all back like no I would much rather have these things had not happened like have had these things not happen um but but I I do think that like you know part of the things that I really love about myself and my life now are marked by just the sort of deepening that happens with grief and like the level of fascination and love and appreciation and bonding that I have with humans in general like I think it's given me a kind of a a comfortability with with strangers and with people that I truly don't know or have no context of like I think that there's a certain like veil that drops when you realize how deep how deeply humans can feel pain like to to know that there is someone that you look at like a hero or or a complex character and and someone that you love and you worship the fact that they can be so sad and so lonely and so empty that they make the you know the ultimate decision is is something that it just everybody is so fragile and I really walk around the world feeling that way right I agree and I also think that's why like even speaking you to you right now it's like why I'm so appreciative of my job is like I get to sit with people like you who I only have had at one point the privilege of watching on TV or listening to your music and you can get so much from it and and we're gonna get to all that in the new show and all that but what I think makes you then feel more connected to those people especially with the internet now is like when people do have the strength to share these kind of things this isn't easy like we're not like like sitting here and it's like oh this is let's just tell this story so people can get to know you better it's like I'm also crying because I'm like this is bringing up stuff for me right and it's like we're also connected when you're saying these things it's like everyone watching this will will yes feel more connected to you but also it's therapeutic to hear other people talk about the heavy fucking shit because we do convince ourselves in moments that maybe this is an isolated experience and maybe this is and yes all of our experiences are unique to us but the themes and what it brings up and the emotions that human beings experience of anger and loneliness and grief and happiness and all the things we all go through it so it's it's um it's helpful sometimes to talk through things because you are on it at a different place in your life right now when you're speaking about it right like I said if I interview you in five years from now we may have a different conversation about this because you're gonna live and you're gonna experience and you're gonna meet more people and you're gonna then have a different perspective on life but um to kind of close out that chapter because I think loss is something that people don't talk about enough and I don't think the way they completely agree right and the way you just talked about it I literally felt like I was just sitting with my friend because I've had I've had conversations like this of the what ifs and they not or what would I have and all these things um this is the real shit and I get movies have to do it a specific way but this is this is it this is years later and this is how we're feeling here and we're still grieving and grieving isn't for a year and you're done like oh dude it's forever it's forever it's forever yeah um you legally changed your name yeah from Chloe to dove and from what I can understand you tell the story but was the why and where did dove come from my dad used to call me dove as a nickname um when I was a kid dovey and like you know little stupid things like that it was never like like he would there was it when I was really young I think it was more of a thing than when I got older but it was something that like always felt you know like a me and him thing like personal sweet intimate and so I think when I got older I just wanted to feel like even even even before he passed I was wanting to feel that connection with him I was wanting to feel like his daughter I was wanting a piece of him um and so I did that in honor of him and to feel more like everywhere I went everyone was calling me what he used to call me okay shifting the conversation a little bit let's get into it you referenced how all of these things obviously can impact your romantic relationships and I obviously know that there's a little well a big ring on your finger you are recently engaged yes I would need to know how through all of the experiences and whether toxic or traumatic or just not the right fit how did you know he was the one oh god um I knew really early okay I knew like way too early um I wrote a song about that too I was like like I hadn't even told him I loved him when I was like this is probably like if he's not the person I end up marrying that's gonna like really break my heart because my body and my mind and everything feels like that's what this is um so I was like super freaked out about that like naturally I was like shit yeah I really was that was uneasy um I was really uneasy and he also was in a very different place in his life like he was not um I think he would feel comfortable with me saying he was not the happiest you know he was struggling um emotionally and everything wise um and so he was also not like matching my level of like oh this feels like something really special he was still like kind of an enigma you know what I mean like he was kind of behind layers of glass but I was like I just have this feeling that whoever's behind these layers of glass is gonna be someone very important to my life um and so we started dating in the most ridiculous way we met at the VMAs stop she's like the stupidest way you can meet your partner we know because the VMAs are stupid but because it's like one night only like it sounds like a book like a fan fiction you know like it's like we ran into each other and passing and it was like oh it sounds too bad it's so dumb what did you do just like get each other's number no okay here's something I want to go on the record oh let's go on the record and I want to clarify a couple things all right we're done crying with time to see it well let's go let's go it's time to be serious so we met for I have to say if I were to accurately estimate 14 seconds at the most okay at the 20 you're really I'm literally she's like she's like I'm tapping in I'm trying to get my eyes getting rid of the salt water I would say it couldn't have been more than 14 or 15 seconds at the 2022 VMAs they uh he is in a band called monoskin and they were up for an award I was up for the same award what you do cordially is whoever wins after you go like congrats dude so I won and so we're backstage and the backstage is very small it is it is the size of like a fucking I don't know it's like I don't know what's it compared to what accent are we going into if I say what it is everyone's gonna tell me it's not that so it's just go this goes okay it's so fucking um it's a small area like it's like it's like it's like the size of like um it's tiny like in front of a movie like in front of a movie they're like the concession stage yes it's like that and like a little bit of standing room that's how small it is it's small you've seen it we're rubbing shoulders it's small back there tiny we're rubbing shoulders and there's four of them so I just want the award I'm like oh my god I want to be a me I come backstage and um they're naturally like nice to meet you congrats and I actually spoke with Victoria his bassist and she was like congrats girl and I was like yes girl like you're amazing um and then Ethan and Thomas were like congrats and then Domiana was in the back so he barely looked at me like and he was also not giving off friendly vibes like he was like I was like that guy fucking hates me all right so we're like I was like gonna go on with my night like I met a bunch of people everybody's like congrats and I was like I didn't think about it it was not there's this whole conspiracy online that I locked eyes with him and I was like I'm biting my time and I waited like a year and a half and then I like struck like that's not what happened I met it I literally met him for no time guys and then he was back there like this and he was like congrats and I was like oh weird bye and I was like nice to meet you and later I learned he was just like in a really bad place like it had nothing to do with me but I took it personally and I was like fucking weird all right bye okay and this is the other thing I have to clear up done done I'm like what's the fucking like cops music like don't don't like yeah yeah yeah I didn't like the direct look to camera she's like hello listen up ladies and gentlemen and everybody listening there was this interview that they did where they were like what's the liberty to have slid into your DMs and Domiano before I'd even like met him I think I don't know what the timeline was because I don't know when they did this interview right was like dove Cameron and now everybody's like she was trying for no no no I looked back because I was like what is this I had posted and tagged them in a video performance of them for the I heart radio music awards and I was like cool and right and then I was like the new queen and then you slot and it looks like you DM'd but I think he was saying that's like sliding into the DMs like I don't think he thought it was like who's flirting with you he was like who tagged you who interacted with you who DM'd you that was it well the people are thinking you're like hey babe well especially because first of all I am nothing if not practical even if I think someone is maybe cute first of all I have never slid into DMs in a flirtatious way because I'm not good over text and also what if I don't like you in real life what if we have this whole thing over text and then I meet you and I'm like I don't like you like I'm not gonna do that you know so like you can look back at my text record anytime someone is slid into my DMs scene I'm not reply it's weird like catch me in real life I don't know catch me in real life okay we have chemistry so that didn't happen I tagged them in something and I tagged the band so is the internet like making it seem like you're like you were like obsessed with him for years not the whole internet but there's a small section of people that always bring up they're like but she did slide into his DIA and I'm like no really guys easily me alone I fully did it and I also looked back because I was like did I right because he said that before I like had really met him so I was like I must have and it was because I tagged them because I was so impressed by them of course I was a fan of their music and then the 2023 VMAs roll around and we had a reason to talk and he was single and I was single and he was in a better place and I was in a better place and he was like I don't know if you remember me I'm Damiano and I was like yeah I remember you like you're so different now like he was so friendly and then he was like do you want to come to our show at Madison Square Garden and I was like yeah and then we just started dating and now we're engaged like it's it's so so innocent and simple it's amazing and it's so cute too it's really it's really cute it's really cute that it started that way now to be like you're fully engaged like it's also so like I don't know like meet cute like I look back and I'm like all the different stars that had to align to make that happen fully it blows my mind and it didn't just happen overnight it was just like like slow burn but first fully well it was just like all these different ways that we almost but then we didn't until it was right like that's what's mind blowing to me because if I had met him before I did in a way where he was interested in me and there was an opportunity for us to be dating I would not have been ready because I was so depressed so like you weren't in a place to date no I was like celibate I was like that was the that was the um that was the radical high list that we discussed celibacy era where I was like don't touch me don't look at me don't come close to me I'm not leaving my house like I was like dark night of this all for a year and then you were ready I literally texted my friends and was like I think I'm ready to date one week later he was like nice to meet you I was like oh my god wait a minute so then give us a little tidbit how did it go down give me something okay so okay so it's actually very funny and then like very sweet okay because so I'm obsessed she thinks honestly it's it sends me because if you knew him this would be so so cute and funny but so he's a capricorn too okay and he is like the most uh regimented like by the book's guy like he's like there's there's a way that things should be done and if they are not done that way then it's wrong and so we had talked about the fact that we wanted to get married like I knew it was not like this big like will he won't he like I knew it was coming because he told me like he was like I'm in a propose and I was like really and he was like a hundred percent so you knew yeah but he'd been telling me for a long time like I think he told me after like six months of dating that he was like I'm gonna propose but but not for a couple years and I was like great do you yeah I was like love that also I also was a little bit like maybe he won't like he says that now it's only been a couple months and then at the top of like 2024 he was like no top of 2025 we were in New York and he was like we were both like crying and he was like I want to marry you and I was like I know me too and he was like nobody I want to marry you and I was like I know I we're spoken about this like me too and he was like I want to marry you as soon as possible I was like oh okay but like you have to go on your world tour and like at the time I was also supposed to go on my world tour and I was like my show is gonna come out like all this stuff's happening we wouldn't be able to do it for two years he's like no I think we could do it next year and so like all every step of the way I knew you were speaking about this openly yeah because I don't think that that thing in the movies is I agree you need to you grow up and you're like wait well and you should like be an active participant deciding if you like want to get married yeah or like what that looks like or do your value is a line or talk about it all before this future like do you want kids like what about how do you feel about where do you want to live like you can't uh you're in a contract like just you what you grew up with these movies is a girl and they're all like yeah they're like now I have to leave my apartment and it's like wait put not to say that you should always live together but you should at least experience what it's like to live with someone and you should be in my opinion you can be shocked by the moment he decides to do it but you shouldn't be shocked that he's doing I agree because like all in all these movies it's like that's my boyfriend my boyfriend my oh my god he chose me and it's like no fucking weird I want to be in on this I said dude I did the same thing with my husband now I was like I'm ready you can do it because he had been like I'm ready whenever you're ready and finally turned him at one dinner I was like you can do it I don't know I don't know I don't know when it's happening but you're you can do it like I'm ready and then we were both talked about it for a long time before then it happened so like I'm we're on the same page again everyone has different ideas but I'm on same page for me I just want to it's not that I don't like being surprised it's just that like yeah it's again it just feels practical it just feels adult right okay so so I know it's coming but I don't know when and he he's telling me things like oh we're starting to design the ring and I was like what does that mean like does that mean it's two weeks away I mean it's six months away like such an amorphous concept and so I start like telling a couple of my friend like I'm going into songwriting sessions being like I'm just fucking designing the ring and they're like I'm so we're like I'm like what's the fucking plan like I'm not a girl girl like that like what are we gonna do and they and they were like you have to wear white every fucking day and I was like you're so fucking right queen like I got to order all this freaking white and we were going on this vacation in August to Poo-ya did I say that right Italians I really tried um and which is like a beachy Italian getaway and I was like this one is gonna have and I was like we're going away for three weeks white white what exactly I was like white for breakfast white for a lot of your bread he's like wow you look so somebody said the other day it's not funny someone was like wow baby you you look like you're about to join a cult like it's like it is true it's so like it's so like you open your luggage bag and you're like yeah dude and also in practical for a vacation like your like it's everything's fucking dirty yep um but I was like trying my best like every day I was like learning how do you use like bronzer like I was like I was like going in the sat and like doing like extra like little braid you can go back and look at my TikTok I was doing it oh my god people will be like oh yeah this is when she thought she was gonna get proposed to I was like trying trying to be girly vacation you know we're on like the one of the final nights and he goes like I know I'm not supposed to say this but I'm just a little drunk and I can't wait for you to see the ring it's like a ring for a princess and I was like so it's not in there so I was like the rings not here oh my god and so I but I didn't have a problem I was just like I want to be at least scared you want to be looking cute I get it so all this time's going by and I'm like maybe it's this maybe he's gonna do it here and my literally like my manager who's in the other room we were like guessing being like maybe it's Japan you guys love Japan I was like this true but like but he wouldn't want to do it in public like we're trying to crack this code I have to stop wearing white it's getting weird I'm wearing so much white no but but so all the girls were like I was like so so again I was not in any hurry but it was just like he's been talking about it for so long that it was like a six month period that it could have been anytime right okay so so one day where at home and I had said baby we talked about it like a year ago that he was like I always felt like it would be really romantic to propose like doing something normal so that it's like you know this is like our life together and I was like yeah I'm not really one for like big outlandish like again I'm a Capricorn so I'm like if you throw me a surprise party I'm gonna be like oh thank you but it's not like how I would plan it yeah and so I was like yeah something low-key I agree but like you do you like I want you to be happy yes basically we were we were packing and I was in just a big t-shirt no makeup my hair was like damp and it was so funny because he'd been finished packing of course because I was like I'm always like trying to pack like a fucking I was like I've never packed before in my life and so I'm like running around and I was in a particularly good mood and he was in the hallway like watching me running in out of rooms like a Tasmanian devil and he wasn't moving from that spot and I was like I was like at this point he'd be like playing video game or like something right like I'm done packing and so I came out again and I like gave him a kiss on the cheek and he did that thing I don't know if your partner ever does this but you know you know when guys go yes that look like suddenly you're like oh god and I knew and I fucking knew and I was like no no no no no no because I was like I gotta go put on a dress I gotta go do my makeup like I gotta do something because I had made him promise that like at least we would we would try to take a photograph of the moment and so I like I like kept packing and I was like no because I told him I told him that I wanted to let I wanted to photograph a cabinet so like there's just a photographer here and I was like trying to like and he goes babe oh my god oh my god because also they just write before someone proposes like your heart rate just goes through the roof and he was like can you come into the room please and I went into the living room and he got done in one knee and I do it I swear I'm not gonna cry but I started crying immediately I was like because he it was so fucking charming and sweet and kind and moving because he was like he was like I I know that some girls want like rose petals and these big extravagant things but I wanted to do it like this because I want you to know that I the reason I want to marry you is because I want this life with you I want dishes I want laundry I want normalcy I want you in your big t-shirt and your no makeup and I want I want a life life and I choose this I choose you I hope you choose me I hope you choose this and I was like you're like fuck the white dress dude I was like that I was so I mean beautiful you can't that's it's that's the real shit in life and of course and if you choose to do a wedding and you want to do all the pictures and that's when that can come and if you choose that but I was so wrong because it was so it was so much more special the way that he did it and like and real yeah and that's so like who he is as a person like he's so I don't know he really is the most normal grounded beautiful smart person and like and it's so the funniest part was at the end when I go because of course I'm like yes yes and I'm crying and he shows me the ring and I'm like gobs met because wow it's so beautiful I really couldn't have it perfect rose gold too like what a guy what a fucking guy it's perfect and at the very end I go by the way I'm downplaying it I was crying a lot yeah um at the end I go wait but you said there was gonna be photographic evidence and he picks up his phone and he's like I was videoing and so now we have this like minute long video of the proposal in our living room and you see me like this and you see me shaking and him being like oh no it's too big and I'm like it's okay they're always too big like it's so beautiful it's so beautiful too because again I think every couple like you he knows you and you know him and so you look back on that and we again back to the movies we have these specific ideas and some people that actually the over the top is right some people the more quiet like it's you need to know your person and the fact that he knows you and he listened to you and he actually almost knew you better than yourself in that moment of exactly what he did well he did because I was over in the other room being like oh god I look like shit no it's he was there being like I this is you like you you know it's it's so beautiful and I'm also curious you know of everything we also have been talking about today you've been through so much in your life and I think a lot of times when you meet a partner romantically at some point you need to share with them what you've been through and who you are and how have you been able to share with him the moments in your life that have yes shaped you and made you who you are in the positives and also the traumatic things that have happened to you and like how has he met you where you needed to be met essentially weirdly with ease like I I told him everything about myself that I thought was make or break or that I thought was educational or that I thought was too much pretty immediately like I was like I'm not going to be anything else for you I've done that before here's absolutely everything even the things I don't want to admit to myself here's my mistakes here's the things that I wish I did differently here's all the loss here's my things I still struggle with which is like do you sign on for this and he was like yeah like he just was like picked it up and put it on his back like he was oh my god it was so healing for me and it continues to be right because like I will never forget actually this was a big important moment for me we were watching Titanic for the first time because I don't think he'd seen it weirdly it's like one of the classics he hadn't seen and there's a moment at the very end when someone commits suicide and I had forgotten about it because I hadn't seen Titanic in so long yeah but that happened and I immediately we were like lying in bed and this was like month four like early and we'd been long distance for the first two months and he had like his hand on my stomach and I was laying on his chest and we were watching this and it was too early in our relationship for me to break the chill you know to like show true full trauma but he just sensed my stomach go at that and his brain went oh of course and he changed his entire posture he didn't ask me he pulled me in he like he started petting me and then he reached up without even seeing and started to wipe away what he knew was gonna be tears and at the end of the movie he like let the air be open to be like do you want to talk about do you not want to talk about that and I at the end I was like I want to talk about it and he has always been so intuitive supportive truly like unflappable unshakable and so ready to especially with this be like I do not know I cannot say the words that he'll but like he's he's been he's like a big I think I've said this before but like a big basin for all of these things and because he only has the interest in not carrying it for me because he knows he can't but like loving me through it he's he's never wavered like I've never once seen him be like this is too much I've seen him get frustrated when he can't help me where he's like of course I wish I could lift this for you and take it almost for you yeah yeah but he's just the most evolved beautiful young man it's it really still shakes me no when I I appreciate you sharing because I do know you guys are more private but I think to all the people listening who've been on this journey with us today I think when you hear and you know you've been through so much in your life and there's people that are going to be like girl I can relate on so many of these topics and themes I think sometimes we can convince ourselves we there's no way I'll find someone who can yeah would be handle this right handle it and what you're talking about actually which is so beautiful is like no no you don't need to push down your the grief and the sadness and the things you actually just have to find the right person who can be there to support you through it they're not going to solve it for you or fix it for you and you are worthy of finding your constant yeah and that person that's going to be there for you which you have found which is so beautiful and to everyone watching if you haven't found that yet it is coming and don't shrink yourself or believe that you're too damaged or too fucked up that you can't find it it's just it really is about finding the right person that can you can merge your life with that can handle that with you yes yeah I completely agree I also think like some of my previous relationships were just bad matches some of them were trauma bonds and me choosing to like continue on that path and not seeing all the red flags and they were truly terrible and so like I was looking at that as a sort of a proof that I was broken right whereas and like I cannot choose love I cannot I cannot I'm not worthy of a real love and I am always going to pick someone that's going to harm me right that was my narrative and I know that's a lot of young women's narrative women's narratives you know people's narratives is that like I am too broken to not only be loved but then accept it and so my choices for partner are always going to be people that that's sort of mimic where I come from and I won't know how to ascertain that that's what's happening until it's too late that was what I had thought and then I spent some time alone and I was finally ready to date someone and when I say some time it was like two years like I spent like two and a half years being not only not dating or seeing anyone but like really working through my shit so that I felt okay being alone so that I felt like I actually don't need a partner so it can fall into that old sort of like just when you stop looking it comes you know and it is true and it is true but I think part of that rather than like it is energetic for sure because you're like I am fulfilled and so someone's like oh I feel it feels like it's like it's a it's a vibration that attracts but it is also a bit scientific like it's it's a bit more not scientific logical because it's like I am not trying to take from you I'm not trying to make you into a shape that you're not I am simply here and if it works it works and what's more attractive than that you know thing for me too I also feel like let's talk about your new show because there's like weirdly some themes that we've like discussed that you can like kind of tie to the show and there's there's a lot yeah so 56 days you take it away and tell the people give us a little just like what this is about so 56 days which no one realizes it's a title because they keep saying they keep thinking we're saying it comes out in 56 days it's called 56 days and it is based on the novel by the same name it's say I guess I would call it like a like a pseudo sexual thriller it is a love story starts out as a love story yeah I was gonna say it starts out as a love story it's a very like meet cute like you know boy meets girl in the grocery store and it's like you go first no you go first let's go for coffee um they've this very sort of innocent chemistry they have this nice walk and it's like oh I do this I do this like do you want to go for a date okay very charming and then somehow between that day and 56 days later one of them ends up dead in a bathtub melted by acid casual so the whole cat yeah as it does as it happens obviously as all the best love stories too so basically the the show takes takes place over eight episodes and it is working in it's a dual timeline so our storyline is progressing towards day 56 and the the police who are trying to solve the case are solving it all over the course of I think like one or two days and they are retroactively solving the case so they're going we're going like this as they're we're meeting them one it's so fun and I also know you were I think you kind of talked about how you were torn like there's nudity in this yeah how did you decide you were comfortable you know it was funny it's it's something that I was always aware that I was probably going to inevitably do um I don't know why I always felt that way it wasn't like an aspiration it was just like I grew up watching these incredible actresses do nudity and I remember being like wow that's so brave and cool like that's got to be so you have to be so courageous to do that and I know somebody in the comments is going to be like courageous and it's like yeah courageous it's so vulnerable like I don't think I don't think people really realize how vulnerable it is to be fully naked period on camera but then fully naked simulating sex on camera in a room full of people like it is harrowing and for you rewind to what you said earlier of the first bikini photo you posted online people were like yeah no I thought this is crazy so it's like this to see yes as a woman to do this it is I agree courageous on top of that having the Disney background having people be familiar with you in one light yeah to then you know grow up essentially and try something more adult like it is it's a kind of a crazy move yeah yeah but I think I mean if it felt right then that's all that matters for you right I was like so down for it I was like I don't really have any hang-ups about my body or sexuality like I've never found nudity to be offensive or even objectifying like I think that when people say that nudity is lured or crass or sinful or objectify it's like I do find there's a fuck ton of internalized misogyny in that yes I don't care like I truly don't care no I don't care like I see a naked woman and I'm like wow what a beautiful naked woman right what a piece of art I'm not like she's cheap and or so or I'm not like oh my god and it's like all of these reactions are so for me the reactions are actually the objectifying part right it's not it's not the actual act because naked bodies are an innocent thing you are naked right you are naked under that right and you are making it weird you are making it weird you are exactly what I will say about our show that I'm really proud of and happy with is that the sex scenes actually serve they're much more tame I think than than what I'm making them out to be but they serve as a storytelling device because the sex scenes that are in the first couple episodes are not the same tone as the ones who are in the ones that are in the following episodes and it's like you watch their dynamic shift and change in this very sort of intimate vulnerable way that is more storytelling than a lot of other devices yeah yeah yeah for our show the daddy gang will love this and I think also the deception as of you were it's like so fun to be like I don't know what's happening right now and the world that was created is so interesting um and so I'm very excited for everyone to watch it and also support you I think I'm sure after this interview everyone that you know follows the show is gonna fall even more in love with you whether they were a big fan or they're becoming an even bigger fan today um I think it's really just exciting to hear where you've come from that young little girl wanting to get into Hollywood dealing with so much getting into Hollywood maybe you know starting on one path and then completely rebranding and getting to grow into another version of yourself that is different to the world and reintroducing that part of yourself to the world while also dealing with all of the shit that you had to deal with as a kid that then you have to conquer as an adult and then meeting the love of your life and finding your partner and finding your constant and and having just so many moments of human yeah experiences that I think is really beautiful and then now to see you as an actress obviously and you taking on this role it's um it's really really cool to have gotten to know you today because I feel like I got to I hope it wasn't too all over the place but I felt like in a good way we were bouncing all around and and learning about you um as a human being not just a dove camera and the person that we have seen for so many years online and on TV and it was beyond a pleasure and I know we went deep and I know we both didn't want to cry but we did and I can't thank you enough for going there. Oh dude I'm so pleased I'm obsessed with you you're the second love of my life yeah my best friends out we're done thank you 15 years of friendship over just like that no this was really cool no you're so lovely you're so smart I'm really honored I'm also like very impressed by you like and I'm not just saying that because you're right here but like I I don't know you have such a lovely energy you're clearly so kind you're so invested and you must spend so much time delving into other people's psyches and not only are you so good at it but you have this like well of effervescent energy for it which is really generous and I don't know I was really pleased I really think you're wonderful thank you and I am so excited to continue to follow your career and watch what you continue to do and on a personal level I can't wait to see if there's a wedding whatever you share I will be following and I will be sure forever no weather perfect dog thank you Dev Cameron for coming on color daddy thank you