I Resent My Husband When He’s Away

I have five little kids. Whoa. Yeah, and I'm actually pregnant with number six. I'm married to the best man in the world. But when he wants to go on a hunting weekend or do things to refuel for himself, I find myself just feeling super bitter. So this is going to sound counterintuitive. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from National Tennessee, taking real calls from real people. Going through all kinds of stuff and their marriages and their dating life with their kids, with their mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on, want you to pull up a seat and grab some imaginary nachos and we're going to figure out what's the next right move in your life. It's got to Fargo, North Dakota and talk to me. Romero. What's up, Mary? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing good. How are you doing? I'm doing great. What's going on in your world? Yeah, so I'll just jump right in. Yes, Cannonball. Yeah. So I am 29 years old. I've been married for almost 10 years and I have five little kids with my husband. Whoa. That's a lot of people in the house. It's a lot of people. How old is your oldest? He just turned eight. You have five kids eight and under? Yes, yeah, I do. Do you just set yourself on fire just to feel fun? Sometimes good. I always joke with my husband that I'm going to set my hair on fire and run down the street. That's like our joke. You already did that. Really crazy. I have five kids eight and under. You did that. Wow. I know. Yeah, we, but it's so great. Oh, of course. Very blessed. What an amazing chaotic, fun adventure y'all are on. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. And I'm actually, I'm pregnant with number six. Because why not? Why not? Yeah. At this point, you know, our life is not our own. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. So if you ever want to call into the show and ask why this keeps happening, I could probably help you out there too. That's good. Yeah, we do. We probably do need some help in that area. No, no, keep them coming. We've just given up. Keep them coming. I love it. Yeah. So I, I'm married to seriously the best, the best man in the world. I, I knew I would get emotional at this point. You know how you always say like that girl should have a dad that would light the world on fire for them. That's, that's my husband. He would literally do anything for me. And I love hearing that. Yeah, he's just, he is so great. And I really lucked out. Um, did he luck out too? Yeah, I think he did. Yeah, he did. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I recently just like, when he wants to go like on a hunting weekend or, do things to like, refuel for himself, um, I find myself like just feeling super bitter. And it always starts out great. Like I normally have a plan for all the kids. For those weekends or those evenings or whatever and it just seems like, you know, if he runs a little bit late or if something, you know, like if life happens and it ends up being later than he thought or something, I just like, I feel something inside of me that just like bubbles over and I get like so angry and feel myself getting bitter about it. And I feel so much shame and guilt around it because he's so supportive. Whenever I need time like, if I want to go to ladies night or book club or a retreat, he's just so supportive and would literally do anything to help me with that. And so I feel like it's something like, like deep inside of me and I just can't seem to figure out what it is. So I thought maybe you would have an idea. Yeah. Well, I mean, a, you're, I like to start with the premise. There's no bad thoughts. Thoughts happen. Right. And feelings are a light on a dashboard in your car. Right. So sometimes they're annoying. Sometimes they're, they keep us safe. Sometimes they're right. Like, but they're just R, right. And I think we get ourselves into trouble when we act on every feeling or more importantly, we try to, we try to ascribe meaning and depth and what's going on in my subconscious to every emotion in feeling. And so this is going to sound counterintuitive, but in this may be the wrong track, but what if we unintellectualize them and we just put them on the table as, I'm pregnant with five kids. And I love, love, love that my husband's got friends and hobbies and activities. And I won the lottery with him. He won the lottery with me. But dude, our life is scheduled to the second because it has to be because we're not even 30 and we already have a basketball team with the backup on the way. And like, there, it's just a whole way. There's a lot going on. So what if the, your body's alarm system? What if it's detecting a low air pressure in one of the tires, but that's not really what's, you know what I mean? It may be it's just low because it's cold outside and doesn't mean something's wrong, something's broken. It just kind of is. Yeah. Or has this been something that's been following you around forever? Have you been a scorekeeper your whole life or, um, Jaco calls it the fairness fairy? Have you been looking since you were a little kid? My daughter has that. Like, I got this piece of chocolate. Here's has to be the exact same size as mine or it, like, it's cosmically unfair and we need to set everything off fire. Like, which one of those feels right? Well, I'm the oldest sibling in my family, so probably the latter. Okay. All right. So you're a, this wasn't fair. Younger one got the car and you had to ride your bike and that kind of thing? Yeah. I think that resonates a little bit more with me. Okay. Especially because like, when it does happen, it's like, I, I think I try, I try to do like any sort of, any sort of like mental gymnastics I can to like make sure that it's not a big deal and that I'm not overreacting and it's just like, it feels like it's this thing that I just like cannot, cannot get over. You know what I mean? Like, it, so take kids off and take husband off. Okay. Mm-hmm. Give me an example of something off the table. Give me some, an example of something that you see in the world that is just patently unfair and it enrages you. I would say, yeah, like, well, this is kind of like, I'm going to say, I'm going to say I like, well, this is kind of, I guess a maybe two personal of an example, but like, if I have a friend that's like not invited to a group gathering and it's not like my thing that I'm hosting, I get like, I get really angry for that person when that person might not even care. Gotcha. Okay. So you have like an internal sense of justice. Yes. Yeah, for sure. It would be the right way or else. Yes. Mm-hmm. Often, like, so a good sense of justice is important. I want everyone in the world to have that. I think that's amazing. But if it is serving as an anti-anxiety medication for you, if it's your way to get some tiny sense of control in your life when the world feels out of control because you have five kids, eight and under. Yes. Right. Then it can be, it becomes not a useful way of being in the world, but it becomes a drug. And then nothing feels better than when everything's out of control. Nothing feels better than rage. That's where our culture is the way it is right now. Because things are uncertain. Things are out of control. And so what do we do? We just get in rage because it feels, it makes us feel powerful underneath the blanket on our own couch. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I thought I relate a lot. So what is it? What is it getting you? That's a good question. Or let me ask it this way. What is feelings serve a purpose? So what is your body trying to protect you from? I think it's trying to tell me that I'm being let down. Ah, tell me about that. Yeah, I mean, I was let down a lot growing up. How so? Give me an example. Well, my family, my parents, they separated twice while I was growing up. And then for a third time, more recently, almost four years ago. And yeah, being the oldest, I, yeah, my dad had to go to rehab. He had to, he went and did a lot of things to better himself. And I found myself like at the age of 14. Trying to go and work and having to give up things that I really loved in order to keep things okay at home. And I think then when they were okay for a long time and three years ago, it happened again. It was like just a huge let down. Yeah. And a huge shock. And I kind of got brought back to all those feelings of what I felt growing up. So. And I need you to be honest, okay? Because we can't get to the truth unless you just can lay it all out there. Somebody can be wonderful and not show up all the time. Or not fully understand the extent of it, of they are not showing up. So you've got this amazing self described wonderful, one the lottery husband. Are there places where he's not showing up in this new, you all have a brand new marriage? And you're about to have another new marriage. You all had six new marriages, right? Is there places where he's not showing up as you need him in this new world? Okay, I know you're going to call me crazy, but honestly, no, I feel like, no, that's great. I feel like so much shame around this. Okay. What if you were really compassionate with your body? Because when he's late and your body goes, see, I told you, he's not going to show up for you either. You intellectually know that's not true. But your body's got a road map. It's been down this before. And it just automatically kicks in to four wheel drive to keep you safe. And that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. That doesn't mean your thoughts are bad. That doesn't mean your feelings are bad. That doesn't mean you're getting angry. You is bad. Where it becomes problematic is when you then go into, I shouldn't be feeling like this. I'm a bad wife. He could have done better. I can't believe these kids got stuck with me as a mom. And now we're off to the race to the bottom. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It's the difference in he did a thing that I don't necessarily like, which has come home two hours late, which is fine. And he did that to me. Right. And telling my body that it's okay. And the way we tell our body is not sitting in our heads and stewing. The way we tell our body is going to do the next right thing. And I think we have over intellectualized everything. We think about it and think about it and talk about it and listen to podcasts about it and we think about it some more and then we talk about it some more. And our body is going to war inside of our unchest because it thinks the stories we're telling it are real. It's it's go time. He's going to leave. And then he be pops in the door and he's like, I got a big buck and you're like, shut off, right? Because you've been having you've been having an imaginary conversation with him for hours. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's pretty spot on. So what does it look like to A, when he goes out and I'm making something up in real time that may or may not happen in my house on a regular basis, especially during hot takes season. What if when he goes outside, he morning at four o'clock in the morning, he says, I'm going to be back tonight. I'm going to be back around six. In his heart and mind, he wants to pull in that driveway at 545. And life happens. The woods are crazy places. What if your mind was, he's not going to be home till 9. I'm going to expect him at 9. So I've got bedtime tonight. I've got all the stuff tonight and I'm going to do one or two things that will blow his mind as he walks in the door. Not he's going to walk in the door and I'm going to dump five kids worth of frustration on him. I'm going to hand him his favorite warm tea when he walks in the door. Yeah, I like that a lot better. Well, and what it's doing is it's taking it out of your head and it is, I had this feeling. He's not coming back and you know, yeah, he is. And since he's coming back, he's that kind of guy. I'm going to begin to teach my body that when he's late, I got an opportunity to serve. I got an opportunity to double down. Amidst all the crazy. Uh-huh. And you have to have the courage that if he's like all sweet man, he doesn't care when I get home and she greets me the cup. And if this becomes, I'm not saying abusing in like the abusive word, you know what I mean? But like in the, if it becomes something he takes for granted, then I'm going to have the courage to sit down and say, Hey, when you say you're going to be home at 6, I come hell or high water. I need you to be here at 6. Yeah. Yeah. Or I know when you say 6 with all of your heart in mind, you want to be here at 6, but I know it's not 9, but now you're coming home at 11. Sure. Yeah. And being able to put that on the table and he sounds like the kind of guy that could hear that and be like, you're exactly right. I messed that up. Won't happen again. Yeah, totally. He would. Yeah. Yeah, I think that would, uh, for sure be a good, a good place to start for sure. Are you saying, Hey, when you walk in the door, if you have some dinner with you or my favorite cup of coffee or you come in and you go straight up stairs to jump into bedtime, that would mean the world to me. Yeah, that's a really good idea. I think sometimes like in the craziness, like those are the details that we miss because it's just like constant survival mode. Exactly right. And so how do you and him get away for a morning and say, Hey, we're about to have our sixth or seventh marriage. We've never been married with six kids. And so we have a new one. That's awesome. It may look like for a couple of years, hunting season is like one or two weekends. And I know you love it with all your heart, but we both decided to create, you know, a half a dozen humans. And that's going to come in some sacrifice. Great. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. And when you walk in that door, here's what I need from you. But then he walks in the door, refresh and he's got a road map to you. You have been intentional about the things that you need to do to be well. And it stops it from being, well, I had to do this. So you had to do that. The score keeping is what melts relationships. I did this and then you did that. And then if it does, he's going to turn into, Oh, I can't get one weekend. I can't get two weekends. I can't get three weekends a year to go. Right. And that's the reality either. And so it's backing all the way out and seeing, okay, we got a new marriage. What do we want this to feel like? And I'm going to be really honest and intentional with you. And I'm going to ask you to be really honest and intentional with me. And the driver here is you are not going to beat yourself up about those lightning bolt thoughts that pop in your head. And you're going to have a list of things that are the next right thing. But I guess the met I want to pass along to you is there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. You're in a wild season. And it's going to take him giving up some stuff, you giving up some stuff. And more importantly, it's going to be y'all giving up secrets and being honest about here's exactly what I want on a day and day basis and on these special weekends. And you having the courage to take him up on it and him having the courage to take you up on it. I'm going to send you a code. I want you to start using the together app. It's become one of my favorite things in the world, but it's just a daily practice for this marriage app. And hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with a free app that you and your husband can use. And it will just pop up a daily reminder, a thing to do for one another so that your partner is seen and heard and celebrated. And it provides the foundation that when you need to challenge each other, you can't hang on the line here, which taken care of things for the call, sister. You're not broken. You're not messed up and you're not a bad person. Your body's working exactly as it should. And now we're going to lean on intentionality. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back. A man asks how to respond to his girlfriend's depression. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. 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I do know it's a question. Sorry. I'm a little nervous. I'm a fan. Oh, you're good, bro. I don't know the question is coming. So let it rip. All right. So, my question was, how do I, like, I need a toolkit. How do I respond to when my girlfriend is depressed? So I guess I'll give some details. So, you know, recently, like a week or two ago, she started taking medication because, you know, she's clinically depressed. She found out. And we've been, you know, we spend time together and she- So she's not just grouchy or sad. This is a real deal, Lucille. Yeah. Like, she gets in these head spaces and sometimes it's bipolar, but for no reason, or if, like, a little thing, like if we have, like, a little disagreement, it'll kind of show overly blame herself and get in the head space and I feel bad. And I, I'd say where I ask her, like, how can I help? And I'm sorry. And then sometimes that doesn't even help. And she's just stuck in. It's nothing I can do to help her. And I feel bad. And I'm afraid I'm building up resentment from it. And I feel bad about myself. And I'm like, no, so I just, I just don't know what to do. I want to know what's the right thing to do. How do I properly approach this, you know? Yeah. That's a great question, man. Thank you for loving her in that way. And for being honest about putting it on the table, that's great, dude. Thank you. So I'll start with the hard truth first and then we'll reverse engineer it, okay? The hard truth is you can't make her feel anything. Okay. The thing you can do is given this context, my girlfriend is struggling with a depressive disorder, which is a very real thing. She's seeing seeking professional help for it and all that great, wonderful. The thing you can control here is, am I going to, when I begin to feel like I got to not tell the truth, when I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, when I feel like these things, am I going to continue to be a person of character and integrity? When you start to quote unquote feel bad because you told the truth because you, she is saying to you through her lens, through her not being like she's not well, being able to say, you did this or I'm the worst or I'm whatever, the moment you start to go, well, now I feel bad that she is, next one, I'm not going to, I'm not going to choose to go down that road. I'm going to do the next right thing. Here's how you determine what the next right thing is. When she is feeling well, you'll go come up with a game plan. So that when things get, when she gets low, which is part of loving somebody with depression, I know the next right thing for me to do. It might be, I'm going to back out and this too shall pass. It might be, I'm going to drop what I'm doing and sit by you for 30 minutes and we're going to watch a cheesy TV show. But I'm not going to grab the rope and go down in the basement with you because I make it all worse by doing that. Oh, okay. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. And you're a guy who loves her deeply. Is that, is that right? I hear it on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like I said, I feel real bad because I feel like I want to help her so bad that I feel like I'm doing too much making it worse. Like you describe it and it's like, you know what I mean? Like it's something totally. And so somebody who's struggling with depression, the moment somebody reaches in, over reaches, it confirms that they aren't enough. It confirms, oh, you're exactly right. I was the problem. Look how great this guy is. Now he's bringing me breakfast. Now he's, and it actually compounds the issue. You see what I'm saying? And you are doing an amazing thing. Like, oh my gosh, my girlfriend's not feeling great right now. I'm going to do all of these things that I know would make me feel better if I wasn't feeling good. Ah, okay. Instead of sitting down and saying, not when she's low because she's, she's seeing the world through a pair of glasses and those glasses are not telling the truth and those glasses are depression. Okay. And then she is well when she is having a season of clarity. Okay. What does it look like? How can I best love you in these, in these moments? And by the way, this will alter and change and this has become my favorite part of being married, which is this used to be the way I could love you. What's the new way? Mm. And instead of me being mad, like I can't set it and forget it. Now I get to relearn, re get to know my wife all the time and it's become one of my favorite things in the world. Wow. It keeps everything alive, right? It keeps everything from getting stale and boring. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But for you, a guy who loves her and I'm over-generating here, but most men are fixers. I want to fix this thing. And if she had fallen down in a hole, you'd be the first guy to climb down that hole and get her out. Mm. Right? And it might be that what she really needs is to go sleep. Ah. Okay. I didn't take you by the like a couple of hours to. Phew. Alright. She knows her body. This tool pass. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go eat something. I'm gonna go some coffee. I'm gonna call a girlfriend. I'm gonna whatever. And that's not a, that's not a, um, uh, it's not an indictment of how much you love her. In fact, the hardest thing for you to do is to not try to jump down in that hole with her. Gotcha. Mm. Wow. I'm saying. I didn't think about it like that at all. The act of courage is not jumping, which sounds counterintuitive to guys like you and me. Yeah. That's it. Alright. Where this becomes hard, and again, I'm gonna be honest, where this becomes really tough, is if part of her narrative that she tells herself is, you need to be down there with her. Mm. You need to be miserable too. It's not fair that you're not miserable. In part of healing from anxiety, part of healing from depression. And in some cases, healing depression, depending on the severity and the depth, the type is managing it, is knowing. Let me, let me, let me take depression anxiety off because those are third rails and those are diagnostics and in our current world, they get thrown around a lot, okay? Yeah. Can I tell you when the awesomeness things my wife did for me, whenever she got pregnant with our son, I was gonna be a cool modern bro. If she's going through it, I'm going through it. She's getting up at 2 a.m. to feed the baby. I'm gonna be up sitting right next to her all blurry, because we're in this together. And she said, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. We need one functioning brain in this house. Wow. You sleep. I will get up and I will feed the kid. This is gonna be my magic time with him. Interesting. I need you getting up at 6 o'clock in the morning or 5 in the morning with a clear head. Okay. Right? And so, part of healing or managing anxiety or managing depression is not that I can't suddenly feel like, snap out of it. That is it. That's not real. She's hurting. But part of the management is, when I feel like I want him here, I know that the greatest gift he's giving himself and to me and to our relationship is. He's doing the things to keep both of us well. And if she keeps saying, I want you down in the hole with me. And you know being down in that hole, she knows being down in that hole actually compounds it makes it worse. That's when you have to have bigger, harder conversations about the nature of your relationship. Okay. Huh. How's that all sound? I threw a lot at you. Yeah, and I'm just processing. No, that's really how I did not think about it because that's exactly how I feel. Like, when she gets to know, like, states, I'm like, wow, like, I just like don't know what to do. And I feel like, like I said, when the first instance, I'm like, let me try to say, and I'm like, that makes it worse. And then sometimes I'll like agdom and make her laugh. And that will help too. But it's usually not enough. And I just like, I just like so badly. I didn't think about it. I want you to stay on that line right there. Okay. I want you to really work hard to avoid the phrase, I'm not enough. Okay. It's hard for you to metabolize her depression is not about you. Okay. It affects you. Mm-hmm. It affects y'all. But it's powerful and painful inside of her heart and mind. And it's hard to think that says nothing to do with me. Okay. Okay. Okay. She has a different mind and brain than you have. And depending on the severity of clinical depression, there's a reason I have not written the book, building a non-depressed life because depression works different. It's, it's, it's, there's all different types. It's, it's, there's severity differences and whatever. And I'm always really careful with depression because it, it's, depression can be a, like, a gnarly demon. Mm-hmm. Okay. But you being honest with her when y'all are having open and honest dialogue in a place where she can hear it. Of, hey, I would love to come to one of your counseling sessions one day so that the three of us, you and her and the therapist can come up with a game plan on how you can best love her when she's feeling low. Okay. That would be a way that you could really reach across the aisle for her. But you see that she's getting to decide how she can best be loved, not you coming over and saying, I'm going to rescue you. Okay. And she probably, she's going to say, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Yeah. And that's, that's hard to keep waiting through that and that's what love looks like. I'm going to keep waiting through it. Hmm. Okay. Wow. Okay. I'm going to make you a breakfast and then I'm going to disappear for a while or I'm going to bring you bagels and coffee as your favorite thing. I don't know what her favorite thing is, but I'm going to bring it to you and I'm going to come back the next day or at 5 p.m. and it's going to be un-eating on the counter and I'm not going to immediately go. I screwed up. Okay. Because it might never have been about the bagels. It might have been a tiny glimmer of light in the darkness that that guy shows up for me. That's what I needed. More than the bagel. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Guys are really task-oriented and problem-solving centric and this, let me say it this way. The thing she might need more than anything else in the world is you. Okay. Not your solutions, not your advice, not your stuff. Yeah. It might need to be that there's a steady anchor presence in my life, even if he's not right next to me. Okay. And most men really have a hard time believing they're enough without their advice of their solutions. Hmm. I got it. How does that resonate? That's really helpful. Yeah, because yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me tell you this, brother. Yeah, I did. You're a, and this is for the men listening, and this is for the women listening, we have men in their lives. Men are told you need to go in guns ablaze and swords drawn to protect and provide. And I like that. I like, I do believe that men need to be ferocious when they need to be. But often protect and provide in the modern context where women are earning, women have economic viability, there's medical support systems, there's all sorts of other contexts that have never existed before. Sometimes often protect and provide means I'm going to protect your space. I'm going to provide boundaries for you. Not answers. Women looks like I'm going to make sure that our buddies don't reach out to you when you just tell me you need a night or a weekend off. All of a sudden the text message, not I'm going to come in and with swords drawn. And that's a different, it's a nurturing, it's caring, and it's a new way of being masculine in the 21st century. It's a both-and. Can we hold that tension of, I could go in there, swords drawn, and the thing that we need right now is silence. The thing that we need right now is rooted presence. The thing that we need right now is me. That's a shift, that's a skill set, men need to learn moving forward. And especially with somebody who's hurting. And I bravo to her for going to get the carousel she needs, bravo to you for wanting to love her the best way possible. This is amazing. This is awesome. This is how relationships are going to move forward in the 21st century. It's awesome. She's lucky to have you, brother. But it's you saying, okay, I've got this one skill set and it will serve my buddies. It will serve me, but right now she needs something different. And let's all sit down and discuss that. Well done, man. You call me anytime. I love talking to guys like you who want to get this thing right. And not just forced their will. You want to get this right because you love her. It's awesome. And if she ever wants to call, you want to call them together to solve a particular problem. Man, call me anytime. I love it. Proud of you, brother. We come back. A man asks how to resolve deep-seated anger issues now that he's got a newborn. We'll be right back. Let me tell you about how low the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. My life can be chaotic. I'm a speaker. I'm a writer. I'm a dad. I'm a husband. And I do this show. I can get unhinged. And that's why I listen to the daily gospel on how low almost every morning in the car on the way into the office. It helps me pause, breathe, and let the words settle in. It's one of those non-negotiable starts to my day. It's a reset button for my head and my heart. And then at night, when my brain's still spinning, sometimes I'll put on one of Hallow's sleep meditations or a nighttime devotional. Things slow down, and it helps me quit fighting my own thoughts. Hallow has daily devotional, thoughtful meditations about prayer and leading a spiritual life all in one place. It's the stuff that helps me pause and reflect instead of just reacting to everything. What I'm lying, Hallow helps me make space for peace. And I need that. You need that. We all do. If you want to start your day in a new way, check out Hallow. Right now when you sign up at Hallow.com slash Deloni, you'll get three months for free. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloni for three full months of the app for free. All right, Milwaukee was constant. Let's talk to Brother Scott. What's up, Scott? Hey, John, how's it going? I'm good, man. Doing great, doing great. Thank you. I really appreciate you taking that call. Oh, man, I'm grateful you're calling in. What's going on, brother? So I recently had a newborn within the past two months. And I'm starting to realize that the anger issues I thought were gone are still with me. And I really need to get them resolved. So I don't pass them on to him. Going forward? Dude, I would high five in hug you if you were here. This is how family trees change, brother. You see it and you recognize it and you think not he needs to fix his nine-month-old self, but I got some work as a grown man to do. Good on you, brother. That's awesome, dude. All right, so under the framework that anger points us to something that we care about, there should be a certain way that it's not. What is your anger protecting you from? What is it sensing in the world that isn't as things should be? Because I don't think anger is a bad thing. No, I think a lot of it is I'm a control freak. There we go. OK. So when I can't control somebody else's feelings or like I feel like my son has everything taking care of and he still is upset and still is unsettled, I can just feel it in my hands and I crunch my jaw that I just wanted to be settled and I guess be taking care of it if that makes sense. Yeah, and he's two months old? Yeah, two months. Yeah, he has one thing going on through his nervous system. By the way, he's a nervous system. That's all he is. Yeah. And the truth that you had pulled, he's that an exposed nerve. That's all he is. And all this nerve once is mom, food, warmth, sleep. Yeah, that's it. OK. And the pro dude, you're giving me flashbacks. I've never felt more powerless in my life than when I could not comfort my young son. Yeah. And when I feel powerless, I feel shamed, I feel like a loser, I feel like a total bum. What kind of loser can't comfort his screaming crying two months old, six months old, nine months old? Yeah, it's definitely a tough place to be because I can't, I mean, I can feed him but my wife is breastfeeding so she's feeding him and I'm just kind of better be a diaper changer and a man and it's not all I can offer. All right. So I'm going to be a buddy at the bar for a second and go, yep, that's it for a long time. OK, but also that's not helpful. So let me ask you, where in your life have you been told you were not enough? My guess is for a long time. Yeah, I tend to be a people pleaser. How come? When was the first time you realized not that I am a people pleaser but I have to be one? Which one of your parents, if not both of them, were you responsible for making sure they didn't get mad? He was pretty emotionally unavailable. Your dad? Yeah, my dad. OK. And so how did you get his attention? I guess, I don't know. I didn't really ever get his attention if that's what you're asking. And he was not really around. He worked a lot and when he was home, he was in his own world, I guess. And I was kind of I'm the youngest of four. So I was kind of left to my own devices. And so the way you reassured your tiny little nervous system that you were safe was either I'm going to be unnoticed. That's the safest place for me. Or I'm going to go get straight A's or I'm going to fold everything exactly perfectly. And all I'm looking for is a cor app of emotional connection. Maybe it's the eyebrow raise. Maybe it's a pad on the head. Maybe it's the... Oh, good. Or maybe it's the... You didn't screw that up. Yeah. And that type of you learned at a really young age, your emotions don't matter. Shut them down. Yeah, I'm learning as a 30 year old man that I actually do have emotions and feelings. That's right. And I'm trying to... And they come out in a like shaking up a two liter bottle. They come out in rage for a two month old. Because you're getting your self story reconfirmed that I can't even do this one right. I couldn't get it with my dad. And now I'm doing it again. Yeah. And a strange... And a strange... It's going to sound like weird. And if you and I had a couple of hours together, I would dig into this more. But there's two stories you can tell about your dad. One is he felt that same level of anger and rage. And the greatest gift he knew to give you guys was to unplug. Yeah. Because he didn't want to pass it on. And there's a weird type of compassion I would have for somebody. They would open his toolkit and there's literally no tools there. And so he just unplugged the machine to keep it from burning down. What a lonely scary frustrating place for our dads, right? And the challenge for you, like the change your family tree is, how can I... And this is going to sound crazy. How can I grow to believe that my son won the lottery with me as his dad? Not by what I can do in this particular moment, but because there's a roof over his head. Because I love his mother recklessly. Because I know that right now he doesn't even have a cognitive thought in his mind. And I'm going to honor and you may have heard me talk to another caller, protecting and providing right now is I'm going to provide space for this little bundle of nerves and his mom to have a really special time together. What a gift I can give them. And that's where I'm going to find purpose and value right now. Let me put it this way. If you don't think you're worth much, you're not going to find worth out there. Yeah. How do I, I guess, find worth around the house? Because I tend to overwork myself at work and then come home and I just do the same thing. He did just kind of unplug and just kind of be a loner, sit on my phone too much. How do I try to balance going from just diving into work and then doing the same thing? I guess. It's completely throwing away, wading up and throwing away the word balance. Okay. It's a fantasy. It's not real. And the trap I fell into and as I've traveled the country, I do most of my public speaking with businesses and most of my behind closed doors, stuff with business leaders. Men, the baby comes home the first time and they realize or they tell themselves a story, I'm useless here. I don't know how to do the diapers right. I don't get the bottle just the right temperature. I don't know what I'm doing here. And so home becomes a failure factory. And good men and you can drink it away. You can internet pornography it away. You can start like texting a coworker on the side. You can do that. Most of the men I talk to, they do the one thing they know they can do that makes them feel like they're helping the family which is go work more. I'm no good here. I'll go there where I can make some more money and I can at least contribute that way. Yeah. And then when you walk inside of a failure factory, it makes perfect sense that your body's like, dude, we got a numb out here. And in the past, that was a bunch of beers. Now it's just these stupid phones that we have. It's a portal to another world. We can just sit in our own couch and escape to another planet. The problem is our kids register that nervous system detachment the same as with alcohol. There's a body right here, but they're not here. Right? Yeah. So the challenge is the next right masculine move, if you will, is I feel useless. My body's given me a signal that this how I'm a failure here. And intellectually, I know this is not true. So I'm going to go do the next right thing. And for me, that is leaving my social media phone in the car because I can't control it. For me, it's asking my wife, I need a list of things to be that I can help you with in this home. Yeah. Okay. And I want to be picking up my infant son and comforting him and I want that smile, but that's not here yet. It will come. It will come in like a tsunami. It will be the greatest thing ever. And that will come with its own set of challenges. Yeah. Because you're going to want to like, you've got pictures of you all playing baseball together or whatever are drawing together, whatever, and your kids going to have exactly opposite things, right? Yeah. Part of it. Um, but powerful displays of masculine strength in your situation might be washing all the dishes and make sure that those bottles are completely clean and ready to rock and roll. Okay. I don't know what that means. It's you sitting down your wife saying, I want to feel like I have a purpose here and I'm out of my depths. I never babysat as a kid. I never change the diaper as a kid. This is all new to me. And so I'm going to ask you to give me a roadmap for the best way I can love you right now in the next for the next 30 days. By the way, in month three, you're going to have a totally new kid. Month six, you'll have a radically new kid. Yeah. And so you and your wife are going to turn it. It's going to become one of your favorite games, which is not games, but favorite get to know you is, how can I love you right now? How can I love you right now? And just asking that every day, how can I love you right now? How can I love you right now? And there's going to be bigger pictures. And this is very unholywood. Everything about Hollywood says you should just magically know. And she might feel like, oh, now I'm a mother of two, two men, a little, two little boys. My husband has even known what to do. Hopefully she has deep compassion. And she says, man, I got a guy stepping up here. Yeah. He doesn't even know all the stuff. And that's my hope that she'll treat you like that. I didn't you will. I didn't tell him. I'm confident she will. But your anger brother is not wrong. Okay. It's the next right. Are you going to numb it out? No. Definitely. Give a group of guys you can go meet with and hang out with once a week. Are you regularly engaged in the failure factory, which is super frustrating? Yeah. Oh, I'll have to, I have a group of guys I can talk to, but I'll have to give them together more often. You just becomes an intentionality. Yeah. Bro, I have it wired into me. The nights my wife went back. She taught night. She was graduate teaching graduate school. She'd teach at night. And it was three hours of total hell. I could not make my son stop screaming. And I felt like such a failure, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stop. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. And now I realize I wasn't. I was there. I kept showing up. And you kept showing up and you keep showing up and you don't do it right and you learn. It's seeing those numbing devices, whether it's your phone, whether it's pornography, whether it's whatever. And you're saying, I'm going to stay in this discomfort because it's only a season. So at this point, it's just showing up as the best plan of attack. It been showing up with a plan, not just showing up because you're going to feel that that you'll feel like a bump on a log and that will just perpetuate. Showing up for the plan, make sense. And in being honest about like it work, people come to you for the plan. What do we do next? You're like, I got this. Walking into this season and saying, I don't know what the next right move is. Can we co-create a plan for the next 30 days? And then putting it on the calendar for January. Can we co-create a plan here? Put it on the calendar for February. Can we co-create a plan here? Oh, that sounds good. Thank you. I appreciate it. Do me a favor, would you? Yeah. I want you to write two letters, okay? Okay. I want you to write one letter to seven year old you. And I want you to close your eyes and go to the end of your driveway and picture your dad, whatever car he was driving back then, picture him leaving again. I want you to go through that exercise of watching your little seven year old self run to the end of the driveway as he's pulling out and driving off, not even waving to you. I want you to write that little boy a letter that starts with dear Scott. You're a good kid. And then the second letter is not in the same day, but maybe a week or two later. I want you to write a letter to your seven year old son. And let him know that this generational avoidance, this generational anger ends here. And here's the things I'm going to do. I'm going to go see a counselor. I'm going to check in with your mom every day because I'm going to love her crazy like. And I don't even have a picture of what that looks like because my dad just left. But the greatest gift I can give my son is to love his mother to moon him back. Watch this. And then be about it. Yeah, definitely. Game on. Game on. You're a good dad, my brother. Thank you. I appreciate it. This is how the generations are going to change my man. Yeah, right here. Son, honor to talk to you, man. You call me back anytime. Yeah, my day, I love talking to dads who want to get this thing right. Man, listening to this. Go to the mirror this evening when you're all by yourself. And look in the mirror, put both hands on the cat on your bathroom counter and look in the mirror directly in your own eyes and say the words. I love this guy. And starting today, we're going to do the next right hard thing. And it might be getting down off the video game controllers. It might be asking our wives how can I love you right now. It might be sitting down with our teenage kids and saying, hey, I'm screw this up. I'm sorry. This changes with me. It might be any number of things. But it starts with you recognizing that dad didn't show up because there was something going on with him, not you. That mom was ugly and rude and drank too much, not because you weren't a good enough kid. And not by your hand, but in your lap now as an adult, I don't care what your attachment style is. I don't care what your any gram number is. I don't care about any of that crap. What are you going to do next to turn and face this thing? So that your kids grow up knowing. Come hell or high water. I'm loved. Game on, dads. I'm in this with you. We'll be right back. Me and my family have three wild dogs and we love them. And when the dogs are not okay, really nobody in the house is okay. Everything gets thrown off when a pet gets sick and we can't get the help that we need. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service that gives you 24-7 access to licensed veterinarians anytime anywhere. Get this. No waiting rooms. No. We can see you in three weeks. Just real help, real fast. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions and with about a 10 minute call from your home, you can be on your way to a treatment plan for your pet. And here's the best part. Dutch is super affordable. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets and it includes unlimited visits, unlimited follow-ups and prescriptions shipped for free. With my code, all of this is less than seven bucks a month. You'll spend more than that just walking into a veterinarian's office one time. The average pet owner saves over $800 a year with Dutch. Good grief. 800 bucks a year. That's good for your animals, your wallet and your peace of mind. Go to Dutch.com slash Deloni and use code Deloni to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's a Dutch DUTCH. Dutch.com slash Deloni and use code Deloni. See site for more details. Alright, we're back. Killy 1.0 full denim. What's up? I'm just calling this out because I know I'm going to get relentless crap for it from you. So let's just get it over. I never give you crap. That probably wasn't true. You're going to lie this close to Christmas. That probably wasn't true. You can make Jesus sad for his birthday. Jesus Duke. I know that you know that I had to get a scooter. So just let it just come on. I have the compassion for people with special needs. I do. I spend my whole career working with people special needs. The fact that you because here's what I know. I know how hard it was for you to get a scooter. Because you're very proud. Denimware in woman. And so I applaud you for getting the help that you need. And good on you. Beep beep. Good on you. Okay, let me. Okay, when you back up. Is it go. No, thank God it doesn't. No, that would be awesome. So for those who don't know, I had knee surgery 10 days ago. And she's four percassettes in this morning. And it is awesome. I wish I was. It ended up being a much more intensive surgery when they got in there. There was a lot more damage. So it's not gone quite as smoothly as I was like, oh, be outcredits for a week. That's what I was told. And then go live my life. Not so much. And I'm going to be outcredits for like four or six weeks. And I did see you run into the wall the other day with your scooter. You did not. You have nothing. I have. I've seen it. You should see how much I love you. I didn't say anything. No, but it's coming. So I'm just like, let's just. No, I've got. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I know how hard that when the guy was like, well, I could get you a scooter. I can imagine being in there and you going, oh, God. Well, it happens. So Sunday night, I was home. And I was. So I'm finally at the point now where it's not pain, but it aches. And I have this huge metal brace on and it's super heavy. And I can't put you weight on it. And I was looking at my calendar for the next week. Very unlikely. You started crying. And my husband was like, what's wrong? I said, it's our. We have a big building here for those that don't know. We have a very big building. And it's my desk to here to the end. Like after when I leave here after this, I have to go to the, we have another building. And it's just back and forth. I was like, I can't make. I am late to everything because it takes me so long to get anywhere. And he's like, you know what you're going to do. And I was like, oh, hell no. No, no. Not doing it. Eat. Yeah. And then finally, I was like, I can't function five days a week, eight hours a day here. Like, you know, doing that. And so, but our team has had a lot of fun because that's not our moves. It is. Kelly, get out the way. Yeah. And so it's she's going to get decorated for Christmas. And yeah. I like you've already given her a gender. Oh, of course she's a she. Come on. Oh, man. I just had three jokes in my mind that I didn't make and I want everyone to know I'm maturing in real time here. No, I'm glad you're getting better. I won't make fun of you. I'm happy for you because I know this. I know that nobody wants to be in a scooter less than you. Oh, God has tried to teach me some lessons with this whole new thing. He tried to teach you lessons with me and that has not worked. Oh, some have been learned. Some lessons have been learned. But like having to actually ask people, hey, can you grab this for me? Ah, for best. It's the best. You're just clicking that dimmer all drip. Keep, ah, don't want to feel. You'll be back in action soon. And for everybody listening, this just reduces the amount of kicks I have to receive from her because she's always kicking. She's back and hit you with my crutches. Oh, you've already done that. And by the way, I will be on the dance floor in my scooter at the Christmas party, such as prepare. That's a sight you can't unseen, America. Love you guys. Bye. I'll be right back if you ain't got the camera for the end of the year video to get me on it for. I think it's flying. He's got a crash. I'm going to take her that. I'm going to take her that. Woo! Hey Kelly, I figured it out. Check this out. You can do this. Oh, yes. It's got a bad little horn. That's a horn. That's my horn. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money and marriage getaways. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get yours at RamseySolutions.com. Slash getaway.