Ep 599 - Weed Wench (feat. Nate Marshall & Lemaire Lee)

The Wild Wild West. All right, let's start now. We were talking phrenology, which is not a subject. I don't think the sponsors like me talking about phrenology. Classic roots album. Doesn't bigger head mean bigger brain? Yeah, big forehead means big brain. Yeah, that's what I thought. Big forehead means big brain. What about the animals with big-ass heads, though? Little-ass brains. Like which ones? Giraffe. giraffe but it got it got that big body so you know it's a lot of brain a lot of brains just bouncing that thing true yeah we get a better brain the head size to body ratio you get a smart animal elephant elephant yeah i'm smart as hell dolphins smart as hell but they got little heads though i think talking about you ever see a fucking dolphin you're like i can't let that go you ever swim with a dolphin no i have yeah dolphins are fucking huge dude Really? Yeah, I thought they were like tiny little cute things. I was terrified of it. It's like couch sacks, right? Yeah, dude, easily as big as his couch. I mean, I didn't get to ride on the – I did get to hold the fin and get pulled a little bit. But like that thing would come near me, and I was like, yo, they're like – and they're like – when I watch the trainer like constantly feeding it really fast, I'm like, oh, if you don't feed this guy, he'll probably ram me with his nose. Get pissed. Yeah. No, dude, I thought for sure we were just like – know you just like chill the dolphin it was like hanging with a dog they are fucking scary yeah and they they like disappear since they can go in the water so like you're like where'd it go and it pops up you're like whoa you know about the lady who jerked off the dolphin for science yeah oh yeah john lily's research partner yeah can you imagine finding you like your partner just jerking off a dolphin it's just like it's for science i don't think i don't think lily was all that john lily I don't think he was all that surprised. That guy was one of the most far out freakazoids. Yeah. Did you ever see any John Lilly interviews? No, but I think he'd wear, he'd wear like a Davy Crockett hat and like sit down and talk on TV. He was, that guy was fucking nuts. Yeah. He wrote a book. I forget what the book is called, but it was, he was, he had gotten funded by the, I think the NIH national Institute of health. And he wrote this book and he purposely set it up. So the book in the very first five chapters are like heavy scientific jargon. and then if you get through that it's just freaky theories about dolphins and how like you should just take ketamine what was he tricking the publishers he just he just like got the nih gave him all this money he's a respected scientist but he was just like tripping his balls off in a sensory depth tank and he had to like i guess show something for it and he just was like he just came up with this like cockamamie theory he's like it kind of doesn't even make sense but he's like by the way ketamine fucking rules dolphins are fucking sick as hell they came through and they're like you fucking asshole he gave him like millions of dollars and he just started he just started partying did his career just start tanking after that i feel like you start getting ketamine and shit i mean yeah he just i don't he definitely got no money from the nih isn't there like a harvard scientist who does like heroin every day oh that's a um guys from columbia columbia yeah he's that's like the drug guy he's a black dude he has like i think he has dreads little dreads but yeah he's a guy who's like me and my wife do heroin it's beautiful sit by a fireplace and snort a little heroin that's crazy it's like i mean it's it's one of those things where it's like that's cool it's such a weird thing to be like no guys it's actually good yeah it's like yeah it's bad for most people you got lucky yeah you guys have tremendous discipline yeah if i yes so i could use a little h right now for sure that'd be so nice to come off the fucking road and just have like a gentlemanly father. Snort some H and just fall out for a little bit. Yeah, with your honey though. Cuddle your honey and you guys doing H together. Ooh, a nice cuddle on H. It's probably nice and warm. Maybe that Columbia professor's right. Maybe we need Mo opiates in this country. We don't have enough. Mo opiates. Mo opiates. Yeah, the country's fucking people are wowing out right now. Yeah. saw the thing about the goddamn well first of all before we talk about the trans mega shooter which i hey look that's terrible stuff it's bad stuff it's terrible stuff it's a politically it's an absolute puzzle i don't think anyone knows how to handle yeah your mom's in town can we talk about that yes yeah is she she's sleeping in the house with you what uh what room's sleeping in she's sleeping in shane's bed that was an inside joke for we were we were talking about that before where the camera started showing and fucking jumped all over it. Sorry. But no, where is she going to sleep? I'm actually genuinely confused. She's one of the side rooms. One of the guest beds? Yeah. Why not give her the master bed? What the hell? I don't know. I was ashamed, but she was like a... No, don't ask. Just take a picture of her laying down. Take a picture of her laying down and go, is this cool? Do you remember when you slept in Shane O'Connor's bed at our apartment and I did that? I took a picture of me in the bed. Well, I didn't send it to him. This might be the first he's hearing of it. Oh, that was a deep secret. Yeah, but I felt like airing it out on the podcast. Damn, so let me, how long ago was this? Probably like three years ago. How'd you feel sleeping in another man's bed as an adult? I have a picture. You know, I didn't, I kind of didn't mind. Really? It felt like his bed was cheating. What do you mean? I don't know. You know, it's not my bed. I'm pretty expensive. Could you smell him, though? No. I don't have a good nose. I got a keen nose. Yeah. I slept in a guy's bed when I was in college. It was my brother's roommate. I, like, crashed at their house. He's like, oh, Carl's out of town. And I crashed in his bed, and I could just smell him the whole time. It felt like we were, like, face to – I just – it was just, like, his musk. It was so – I remember just being like – And I was like drunk enough to be like, whatever. But I remember just being like, this fucking sucks. I'm never sleeping in a man's bed ever again. I've been doing it for so long now. That's your bed though. Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean? I don't know. Just like. Yeah, you're laying. You got sent down on that bed. I'm talking about a bed that a guy, especially like back then, like talking about just post graduating college. No one's watching. I didn't know you had to wash sheets. I used to wash sheets like once a year, if ever. If that. Yeah, if that. I just washed sheets yesterday. Did you really? Yeah. Because your mom was coming? You got your sheets clean for your mom. Were you cleaning your own sheets? No, I needed to clean my sheets. Yeah. You cleaned your own? Yeah. Oh, because you're about to have to do the like, this is my plan. And it just would have been just. Or did you just have a wild balance? Look at you got attacked by Spider-Man. Yeah, I got attacked by Spider-Man. Yeah, I had to wash everything. Clean it all up. Yeah. Do you have a freaky Valentine's Day? It was a nice Valentine's Day. He didn't ask that. He said you have a freaky Valentine's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need a lot of sheets. You got to wash the sheets after Valentine's Day? I needed to wash the sheets anyway. It's been about a year. When was the last time you washed the sheets? That's the picture, LaMare. That's a good pick. Yeah, I love the pick. I'm sorry, Shane. I should have told you the truth. I forgot I was wrapped in his covers. Bro. You're shirtless? Yep. You didn't keep your t-shirt on? Oh, no. It was on top. I was on top. That's a blanket. He was on top of his blankets. And I gave him my blankets to use as well. I was on top of his blankets. I was respectful. He still was shirtless, though. I had to. Oh, you had to go to sleep. I got to sleep shirtless. You can't sleep t-shirt one night? No. No. I'm with you on that. He's lucky I had my underwear on. I've had to start wearing boxers to sleep again because I have kids and I'm none too pleased about it. No, it's brutal, dude. Sleeping naked is such a treat I don't like it Why not I can't get comfortable He falls off the bed He's making big dick jokes at me It's crazy But I don't know What if you have an emergency in the middle of the night Dick out That's when you attack I'm scared of that Really You're mid conflict Dude just grabs a hole That's exactly where I want him That's my point I'm going to tantalize him With my sweet penis But he gives you a dick crank Mid fight Dude I would instinctively knee someone in the face You would never move faster If your dick's out in a fight You're going to be 50% faster You're all instincts Exactly if someone goes towards your naked penis You're going to move Always going to snag you and you're gonna go hold up you're gonna be working a zipper like hold up hold up hold up there has to there's definitely been i mean that must have happened thousands of times throughout history of just like a brutal fight that ends with like two guys each holding each other's dicks talk about like tribal warfare like you know you had like a little shawl around you there's probably like the weapons go down people are tired someone grabs their dick you grab you just both just squeeze till the best man wins i think that's a chinese thing it's like karate you think the chinese traditionally grab each other's penises well because dude in karate you do like you are supposed to hit like yeah it's kind of crazy to yeah to like have like all these it must be the real fight to the death is the dick grab the dick yeah yeah and kids like all right checkmate i call it truce timeout timeout you grab my dick timeout it should be like a rule timeout i'm gonna come should be the geneva convention timeout you grab my dick timeout I'm about to buzz. Yeah, you'd have to time that out for sure. I had a nice night last night. We went out. It was my friend's birthday. And something happened with the reservation where, like, there wasn't enough seats. So we had a divided boys' table, girls' table. And it was just the bros at the one table. And the girls were, like, all the way in the other side. And, you know, at first we were all laughing, like, oh, man, whatever. And then, like, I was, like, telling everyone, I'm like, yo, this fucking rules. I was like, dude, for real? like 80 years ago this is what you would have done it's classic lunch table yeah classic lunch it was like kind of fucking tight just back in the day like you would go out to a restaurant you'd be like all right like the women would sit over there and there was just guys just fucking vibing and there was like i got so charged up in like the part of the place we were at there were girls at other tables and i kind of wanted to start going around being like yo guys gotta dip you guys can't be this is boy section right now That's fucking voice. Yeah, dude. It was. I mean, women just started voting not that long ago. Almost less than 100 years ago. Yeah, almost less than 100, dude. There are just more than 100. Things started falling apart. Yeah. No, it's kind of good for black people. I'll take it back. Women voting? No, I just mean I was thinking about the last 100 years in general. I said things were falling apart. I thought you said women voting helped black people. No, no, no, no, no. Probably not. That's why. Susan B. Anthony was like, you guys going to let black guys vote before us? I mean, she was doing what she had to do. She was doing what she had to do. Yeah, it was kind of like that for real. You try to go to bed and your wife's just hammering you like, did you hear who could vote today? And you're like, Jesus fucking Christ. It was fun. We had a good boy time, girl time. And then where'd you go? What was the place? Murray's. It was pretty nice. Oh, Steakhouse. place yeah it's like no it's not a steak i thought it was a steakhouse too it's like a english kind of pub thing but it was nice since we were all there the birthday boys started sending shots to the girls table what a beast move helping all the fellas out it was kind of a sick move but then we started we instantly started sending them the most sexual shots we could think of so it started with what was the first the first one was just like a girl shot like lemon drop and we're all laughing like all right and then uh then they sent us back like a nice shot like a nice tequila okay so we try to send them back blowjob shots and then the dude working there was like we don't have all the ingredients for a blowjob oh it was like oh he said it that's thirdly well he was just you know he was i think he was on to what we were doing but he was like he was just like you know they're all like in a rush it was kind of busy there yeah being president's day and all and he uh and he was just like we don't have the stuff necessary for blowjob shots then we all try to figure out like what the fuck are you missing it's like isn't it uh we look it's It's Amaretto and Bailey's with whipped cream. So you're a bar. You have to have Bailey's and Amaretto. What are you missing? It must have been the whipped cream. So we were talking about getting a – I'm going to start going to bars and just ordering blowjobs and just sipping them. Just sipping blowjobs. You have a whipped cream mustache. Yeah, we're getting it in a big pint glass. It's a big double blowjob, neat, big pint glass, and just slowly nailing the blowjob the whole time. That'd be pretty powerful. Dude, a Guinness with whipped cream sounds good. Yeah, that'd be fucking awesome. So we ordered the blowjobs. He goes, no blowjobs. And then he didn't even consult us. He didn't even consult and just sent them redheaded sluts. Oh, no. He angered the babes. Did he? Yeah, they got angered at the redheaded sluts. Why? Because none of them were redheads. They don't taste good. And they were like, well, the lemon drop was like, ooh, thanks. And then it was like, here's a nice shot of tequila. And then I go. Red-headed sluts. It was like the blowjobs. I think they would have laughed and been like, come on, girls. And, you know, it's a blowjob shot. The blowjob shot you take in your mouth. The red-headed slut, they were just kind of like, what the fuck is this about? That was for your side, Joel. Side Joel's table. That was for the other table. I'm too bruised. But the play worked. Ended up getting a little freaky last night. That's a nice move. Yeah, sure. I might have to change the sheet. I have Miss Lee's in town. I can't have my sheets on. How close were they to you, like the table? Well, we couldn't even see them. They were like completely on another side. That's nice. Yeah, it was just bros. It was just bros completely broing down. It's like husband and wife chess. Yeah, it really was. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Are you ready to shoot your shot? Get started with PrizePix and get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. That's right. 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And on Valentine's Day, she was thinking about like at the grocery store, she was thinking about like coming back to drinking and i don't know it had me fired up but it also had me like nervous about it still felt relapsy in my mind so being like go ahead after but she's not sober she's not she smokes weed and like well i mean she and even alcohol wasn't like i need to quit she's like it's just a lifestyle enhancer kind of yeah she's like i just don't need it and how about you should do just valentine's day i was trying to put that in her mind but she didn't She seemed like she was going to come back all the way. Yeah. And I was like, I don't want that. I kind of got used to this. Because I was thinking about it. I haven't had like a drunk, like a lady be drunk around me and it's a problem in years. Dude. It's the worst. I remember. There's a sweet spot. Yeah. That's why with the shots, I was like, hold on now. Slow down. Yes. You know, we could be holding their hair for another reason, too. Too many shots. Too many shots. you're holding the ponytail for not a very fun reason. Like, oh, it's okay. It's like, whoa. Fuck. Goddammit. I did it to myself. It sucks. All I was thinking was like, if I get her boozing again, it might unlock. The back door has been locked for a long time. And I was like, maybe I'll unlock the back door again. But that was the only benefit I could have to it. I think I got it. Oh, it's so funny because it is like a genuine accomplishment to like stop drinking for a couple of years. I think about drinking again. You're like, we could probably buttfuck you. But to your credit, you're absolutely right. Alcohol is, yeah, I'm the same way. It's like women drinking. And again, I'm obviously, we're just bros here. I'm not trying to be sexist. I'm not a little bros. it obviously like can be fun and then there's times where it's like ah fuck yeah yeah my babe was pretty drunk in the waymo last night and we we go back and forth because like you know i'm a safe driver i drive safe we have kids she's a bit of a speed demon and the waymo was like you know it did some move like surprisingly like busted around this thing and she was like i love and we're always just like we're talking about how we love waymos and she's like yeah they don't drive like a pussy and i was just like the fuck the fuck is your problem that's what if she doesn't she's not even meaning it at you but you're like no it's just that drunk edge really all right all right that's enough it was just not pleasant to be like wow all right fuck yeah and i have all i get is weed chills right now which is kind of chill is nice yeah nice dude there's nothing wrong with a weed wench at the house. That's a nice weed wench. Just cooking up a stool. You got to keep the sack fat, though. That's the problem. You got to keep the sack fat. You got to keep the satchel fucking going. Having a weed wench is decent. It's kind of perfect. It's not going to open the back door. If anything, it's going to lock the back door shut. It's going to boom lock the back door. The back door is locked, but there's peace in the realm. There's peace in the realm. You can't have the back door thinking like, God, everything's going to be great. There's going to be battles. Did you ever see those Instagram ladies who like, they're like spiritual ladies, but they swear by their like, I like to fully throat my husband because it unlocks my chakra. I love it. It's pretty sick. But there's ladies being like, actually having anal sex relaxes women. It taps in. And it's like, I always try to send that shit to my wife. It does look like very spiritual talk, but it's just ladies like, and then my husband enters me and we are one. I always want to. That would piss me off, by the way. If you're butt fucking and a lady's like, oh, my God, I can feel myself relaxing. Oh, my God. I can think about that. Oh, my God. I'm talking to my ancestors now. Like, no, that should be a struggle. Unlocking the back door is so funny. Again, St. Nate, dude. Wow. St. Nate to go. No. I for real talked her out of wine that day. You did? Yeah, I had a bad I had a bad end to Valentine's Day I told the mayor already, but I got heaven Alright, so I spent like I spent a couple hours trying to like get her going Just like, you know, working my way to the night By like 8, 9 o'clock, we're about to do the deed We're going from the living room to the bedroom I'm wearing flip flops And the one like slips to like Just the side a little bit And the way it slips, I roll my knee But I roll my knee in a way that I'm pretty sure Like I sprained my MCL a little bit I went down, I yelled oh fuck with a hard dick and just couldn't get up. I couldn't move my knee. You've been drinking? Yeah, I was drinking and smoking. I was fucked up, then a little trip fell. I have a knee brace on right now because of how... You saved her from that feet. That would have been her knee. but yeah like i had like it's still if i like rub here or bend it weird it's like still i did you try to be like no it's fine no we fit we did we we got the deed done but uh but it wasn't it was like after she like ran and got me water it was like being this close to getting some tripping falling yeah hitting the floor on the way to the bedroom definitely like if you were to measure scientifically yeah like i hit i fell this way and then i like damn that's full on now you got a bad leg ah my bad legs god damn my bad legs I tried I tried to I was like I tried to like tuck it in you were almost in own heaven you guys smoked a little something and drank your little drink I smoke a little something, drink a little drink. About to get me some. Bad legs. You been macking all day, dude. I was macking all day. I was macking all day. Bro, pitching a tent in the linen pants. Yeah, definitely fell still hard. Oh, damn. Damn. There's a Kangol hat just blown. The Kangol just blew in the wind. falling in your apartment on Valentine's Day it's so fun you're lucky she didn't get the egg dude nah she nursed him she nursed him I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to bounce back no that is that's kind of admirable he still pulled it off I'm proud of that imagine if you had chomped a honey stick or something that would have been kind of ideal because after being on the ground for like 10 seconds it went away. But if I had the honey stick, I would have been there like rock hard with one leg. It should have just been like, take me right here. Take me, babe. I don't think I'm going to live. You could have set off some doctor nurse stuff. Damn, I didn't think about it. It was for real. I got like, it was, because it hurt crazy. I had a head rush happen. There was a few seconds where I felt like I heard water running in the house that I didn't. Oh, Jesus. I just think it was like, because it hurt like crazy. That was probably the water running back up into the body. It was just the blood rushing back to my brain. No. That was probably just that thing drying out. She was devastating. I was crazy, mode. I just tried to get Sorry that's inappropriate I didn't hear what you said I was saying the water you're hearing The water rushing back up into the woman's body Oh I thought you did That was the thing drying up I didn't ask her Do you hear water running? She was like no She was just keeping it to herself Damn Bust your knee and hearing water running It was so crazy You really fucked your leg up Yeah, I for real just like went down and was like, I wasn't sure for a while if I like really fucked it up. And then I gave it, you know, like the stand check. And I had like a limp. I couldn't put no pressure on it at first. And then I just this is when she went to go get me water. I just I got probably that's probably a salvage situation. You probably went back to bed. Oh, cool. I got I got no. I was I was up. I was up and in bed by the time she by the time she came back with the water. So when she saw me, I was incapacitated on the ground. when she came back i like had mustered up the strength got back and hopped up yeah and i think the booze was probably helping me fight through the through like the pain in my knee so because it was way worse the next day well if you don't mind me asking how'd you pull it off then with the bum knee we just um a lot of a lot of angles where right leg right leg was all i needed like like up on the bed this leg like i could once i realized i could bend it it was cool i just You put pressure on it. So I could have it. I was doing this. I was telling him to be here at Andy yesterday. And I was like... Just put it up on the band. Just a cartoon screaming. I thought you just went full bottom. Not obviously. Not that. I had to hit the bottom. I thought you had to go slow motion for it. Yeah, I did. I had to do I definitely It did have me in my head like Were your fingers slipping or could you grip that ass Everything else was working Everything else was top shelf Did you ever hear that song? My fingers keep slipping I cannot grip that ass Oh that's Slow motion Dang dude I was Gone for Valentine's Day I was in Denver I made the ultimate sacrifice Gentleman proposed at the show That's nice. It was very sweet. It was Brittany set it up. I, yeah, it was, uh, she kept bringing it up. I'm like, all right, just, you know, tell him to like message me or something. I don't know. I don't know how to do that. So we did the shows in Vegas was fun. Denver was very, very fun. And, uh, I like got a picture going into it. They're like, they're like in row H, which was, it was kind of funny because, uh, I was talking to the promoter and she was like, they're in row H. And I was like, that's the eighth row. I know that because of, uh, white white nationalist hh 88 for hell which is i literally it's a that's why i've looked it up before why do they do like 88 stuff that's why it's hh so she was a little bit like okay well yeah sure if that's how you want to gauge it i'll say so that was like my whole point being is that they're eight rows out so i had to finish the show and then pretend it was pretty tricky on my part that they won they had won like a raffle was like i finished the show and you know it's like the closer and then i just stood there for a while so i think people thought i was like at the encore like full fan of the opera like yes yes and then people start yeah and i'm like hold on hold on i'm done but you know thank you guys for that but i'm done and i was like the club this is really fucking kind of annoying but they did like a giveaway or something and it was like pretty poorly played off my part i was like yeah i think that you know who you are back there row h you got you want like a cruise or some shit why don't you come up here and get it and uh i was like i hate that they're doing this to me and the guy came up he had brought his girlfriend soon to be fiance to the very very front and uh i just like on stage no they stood all this that's the thing too it was like a decent drop so they couldn't like climb up that would have been crazy so i kind of like slid him the mic and he just gave he kind of nailed it he gave a sick speech in front of like 2 000 people and he popped and bent the knee and everyone was like that's it and then like an athlete they got the videos a nice video and like a loser right afterwards i picked up the mic and i was like if you said no i would have beat your fucking ass lady they didn't call for that that guy moved you i was just i was just standing there i just felt weird yeah it was like that was completely unnecessary but the uh i was kidding obviously i would have been dressed i would have respected her choice but emotional yeah me no her yeah for sure yeah there was like there was like women there watching who got emotional it was v-day bro love was like oh yeah damn i do fucked up a couple days night i mean he was he mocked the whole crowd yeah he loved my it was it was an absolute love mom on the scale that i've never seen it's like yeah it was because i was kind of scanning because i i am kind of like uh you know i i kind of am fascinated by female love jealousy and I was just looking for signs of women being like, but they were all just so happy. Every woman in there was like maybe afterwards were like fucking asshole. What the fuck are you going to do that? But it was actually kind of sick. I didn't know how it was going to go but it was very fun. I also in Vegas, I had my whole feed has been nothing but the ASU frat leader, Moggin Clavicular i just assumed that every single person knew what they were what that was so at one point during the uh show in vegas i just i hinted at getting a brutal uh cortisol spike myself i don't know if you followed it at all but it's like after he's mugged he gets like a severe cortisol spike which is like you just want to avoid that at all costs and uh yeah it's just like right now no one has an idiot i was talking about i did that in the vegas i was like yeah i got like a brutal cortisol all spike and like was i thought like at least a handful of people the whole crowd looked at me like what are you talking about i had to be like and then anyway i was like fuck nobody knows about he feels like a plant dude clavicular yeah i don't know like all the twitch i feel like everybody like they're streaming is like a plant yeah you think so they're all rich kids kids rich kids kids yeah because like how can they afford to just do this shit stream all day i mean especially with the shit you gotta have a nice computer nice webcam you gotta have access to fucking kanye west like you know well i think that came after he was streaming he made he was like smashing his face with a hammer and smoking meth so i think that'll get you some views i mean look it up he was a clavicular from i i would guess he's not from super rich people like a super rich person wouldn't go so far as to smack their face with a hammer uh and i don't know man and then super rich people rich people do a lot of weird things we're discovering true true let me say i i don't i don't think he's i think he's a classic american tale i think he's rags to riches yeah but no it is it is the uh it's the weirdest corner it's the weirdest that that whole thing where it's like the miami avengers that's the thing too like i bring this up like everyone knows what i'm talking about Nobody has any fucking idea. I don't know what the Miami Avengers are. Jesus Christ. I'll just shut the fuck up. I mean, that's algorithms. Oh, I don't know. Clavicular, Fuentes. Yeah, I don't know. The tape bros. That's like when they all played. And then the other guy. They all tried to play Hail Hitler and they got in trouble. They played 88 in the club Was it Sneeko Sneeko was there as well I saw Sneeko at the stand once Did you really Yeah it was him and his bro and they eating chicken tenders What the hell is so funny about that Streamers got to eat. You eat chicken tenders. You're basically a streamer. I wouldn't order chicken tenders from the stand, though. I don't even think they're on the menu. I think you just got to ask for chicken tenders, and they go, yeah, we got them. You got to do mega numbers on the fucking stream. You got chicken tenders there. That's crazy. Yeah, that whole thing's been really funny. But I've been watching now where Andrew Tate's like handing the baton to Clavicular being like, you're the new guy. You must break us free from the Matrix. All those guys are in. They're more in the Matrix than anybody else. Yeah. I would argue way more in the Matrix. They're Mr. Anderson's. You think they're Agent Smith's? Agent Smith's, yeah. Who's Mr. Anderson? Mr. Anderson's Neo. Agent Smith is Agent Smith. So you think they're Neos? No, I think they think they're Neos, but they're Agent Smith's. and there's so many keep multiplying all the exact same guy just a little different looking yeah I mean you might be right we're all trying to be Johnny Bravo I feel like yeah if you're like working primarily online you're definitely in the Matrix you can't not be you are your whole life most of your life is in like a augmented kind of alternate reality the internet is the Matrix yeah sorry guys fucks I'm dropping gems right now but yeah I don't know those that's the I don't know I don't know if they've escaped I don't know I mean, that's just the matrix. You don't know if you're in or not. So. Man, I had a million dollar idea yesterday on P&E's. What is it? We're going to rig a Kalshi bit. A what? We're going to rig a, you know, Kalshi and Polymarket. They're like the, you can bet on like reality. Gotcha. But it's a prediction market. We're going to rig one. What is it going to be? Well, I'm, you know, February 27th, Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton. You can't rig this one. This is, I do like your theory though. Okay. Let's have it. February 27th, Bill Clinton and Hillary. They're doing a deposition on Epstein stuff. Yeah. And like, what if like 10 days, they just like hold hands and they're like, it's okay, honey. It's okay. And then they turn to lizards. They just shape-shifted the lizards. I'm saying we make a couchy bet that says, will Bill and Hillary shape-shifted the lizards? Yes or no? But how do you cash in on the bet? You can't rig it. You don't. Well, it's not. You just pick no. No. creating the yeah you pick no and creating the like creating the idea can warp reality in a way that's fucked up i don't know you know what i'm saying you have way more people picking no though yeah yeah you really believe they're going to shape the shift in the lizards so you think you got a shoe in you think you got a hundred percent oh so you would bet on they are lizards yes yeah I'd bet a penny on yes. That's not a bad idea. A penny? Yeah, hey, look, I'm there. That is technically a million-dollar idea. Because if they don't, you're down a penny. If they do, you're the world's richest man. It's you against the world on the lizard bet. I think you get some of the back end of placing the bet. Really? Yeah. I think you get some of that money, too. That's pretty cool. Yeah. It's like the new fucking, what was everybody doing? What was the digital gift thing that people were doing? Oh, NFTs? Yeah, it's like an NFP to create stupid bets and convince people to do them. Yeah. I'm, like, bugged out now. I don't know. I'm, like, worried about sending horny emails to anybody right now. Dude, that's, like, you don't know. Everyone's going to tighten up now. Yeah. Somebody in your squad's a pedo, and you send them a horny email. You're fucking toast. Dude. Not a whole squad. A whole squad is fucking down. Dude, if, like, my AI ever got mad at me, I can't turn it off because of my emails that exist. What do you mean? There's some horny emails in one of my emails. You're emailing horny? Back in the day. You think your AI would send your horny emails? Yeah. How can your AI know your email? Why don't you get access to my email? You're talking about chat? Your AI has access to your email. Yeah, everything has. Google has it. Every time I've converted a file, I give it my whole fucking life. Anytime I'm like, I need to take an MP3 out of this video, They're like, give us your entire online life. I'm like, yeah, you can have it. All right, here you go. I really want the sound file for my Patreon. I mean, what would it really even do? It wouldn't get you on anything that bad. A horny email, as long as it's not connected to a pedophile, you're fine. Yeah. No, they're trying to, or you have a wife. They're trying to get some editors in trouble because they're like, turn your stuff off. Make it, yeah. What, get out of your email? What do you mean? They're just like, they're getting a. First of all, I'll tell you you say a thing halfway and you go, yeah. You didn't communicate. I heard the rest of my head. I'm sorry. You know, I think, yeah. We got it out. We said it all. Yeah. I think what they should do now with the Epstein files, because, again, it's like, is there going to be the bombshell that really rocks the nation? I mean, the nation's been rocked, I guess. just you know but it are they going to name like is it going to be proof like if they were to like get trump red-handed if they got the clintons red-handed is there going to be that kind of proof i again i don't think so because i think they obviously just like went and took all that stuff out but would it be cool if they took it they like took down all like the free epstein searches and they built like a big statue in every city and you could pay a quarter to get like a couple names out of the email database. Pretty tight. That was sick. And the money could go to like the victims. Yeah, like Jay-Z. Or yeah, Jay-Z could be the mediator. We just need a big breach. Remember when they had that big breach for, what was that website that was like for cheating couple, for cheaters? Ashley Madison. Ashley Madison had the big breach so you could just search names and be like, oh shit. I just, oh yeah, I saw a clip of someone talking about their dad, them finding out their dad had been on it pretty heavy. yeah just solo not with the mom oh yeah you know i think he was oh yeah it was a cheat sometimes it's tough on a dad yeah i mean dude trust me i know dad should be able to get jerked off at the dad should be able to get i've heard of situations like that the problem is is like i wouldn't really like my wife being like yeah just let that lady go jerk you off it would bother me if i had permission to do it i would just be like my wife thinks i'm pathetic the whole time i'd be the whole time i'd be getting jerked off i'd be like you'd come back from it and be like how was it you'd be like i feel embarrassed i feel embarrassed we're talking about this yeah like i feel humiliated to do that when i was like a single young man yeah coming back to your family or wife's like are you good now i'm being like fuck dude i'm such a piece of shit you know what I mean, I've heard that, too. Like, I used to be a proponent of the medical handjob argument. But the more I think about it, it's like you just got to let, you know, you got to let your dick die. You got to let your dick die. I got a freaky question. I ran this by LeMaire the other day. Freaky question about you. All right. So this is a two-part question. Okay. First one, would you let your lady use a pocket, like a flashlight on you? I think I have before. Sick? All right. I think that's a universal yes. I think that's a universal yes. Obviously. All right. So this is, have you ever seen, have you ever seen these sex toys? They're about like this big. They're no, they don't have arms or legs, but they have like big tits and fat asses. Yeah, torso, bro. This is the torso. Yeah, man. Would you, would you have a threesome with your lady and we were calling it a nugget. We were calling it a nugget. A nugget. Would you, in a torso nugget. What's the term for this thing? Nugget. A nugget. It's just a torso nugget. Stumps are going to. Stumps are going to. No, I wouldn't because it'd be like, here's the thing. Everybody keeps saying no. I'll give you the reason. Hold on. Do they have tits? They have huge tits. Realistic tits. I might kind of like, I don't know if I would insert into the torso because if I'm already. That was my argument. I would like to watch my lady play with these fake titties while I have sex with my lady. That's not bad. I was thinking of like Banging a torso in front of your babe No that feels That would be crazy It feels like fucking a body in front of you lady But like The torso would be weird I mean I would like suck the torso's nipples probably Or watch her do it I don't know Again I think this is where you run into It sounds cool in theory but then you watch your wife suck a torso's nipples And you go what the fuck am I doing What the fuck am I doing The lack of a head really ruins the stump. That's what Pat said. But then it's like, do you really want a fake head? No, yeah, that's a good point, too. That's like you ever see – I saw these when I was a kid. They used to be on the show Real Sex. It was like they're like real sex dolls. They're $10,000 for like a fake person. That's even crazier in my mind to have a body, a real human – I'm not saying that it's cooler. I thought you were – I'm just saying that the stump is kind of weird. My thing is you think that a fake head is crazy until you're kissing the pillow while you're humping the torso. I should have sprang for that fake head. Kissing a fake face instead of kissing this pillow right now. I was telling my brother today. I have I've never done it, but I have like really strongly considered traveling from like place to place for like my road set up being torso and Oculus. and i'm like i just can't like every time i even like think i'm getting close to it i'm like dude i would end up like afterwards crying into the oculus dude the that's the thing with the fleshlight like it sounds cool in theory once you do it once you're like this is just like you the only way you can do a fleshlight in my my opinion is that you have to just be like i'm not going to talk to women anymore you can't be have women in your life and use a fleshlight if you're just like dude i'm done with women i'm just gonna fleshlight fair enough but to like because then it's like dude there's something about it like if you're like if you have a fleshlight and you're using it you're like oh this is great way better than jerking off then you try to date a lady the the chances of her finding that thing i think is kind of a devastating it's 100 well you gotta you gotta just put it right the problem right after like hey i have a body i have a fleshlight i have a body i have had sex with hello hey My old girlfriend A new girlfriend meet old girlfriend I don't know I think it's just not Ladies get all Every sex toy I own is for my lady You know what I mean Can I get one of them You gotta get the egg dude The egg? That's for the lady still No you ever seen the Tenga egg? Not the Tenga egg It's like the jelly thing Oh the thing that's like It's like a fleshlight But it looks like flubber But it like twists I mean like Yeah You gotta get one of those things That's just like a flashlight. That's like a flashlight that doesn't look like a vagina. Yeah, bro. Hold on. Well, again, you can do whatever you want. We live in a free country. That's true. So you can get your Jelly Twister Fleshlight if you want. I'm not against it. I'm not, you know, I'm not like puritanical about this. I'm just like, I have. You guys have used a Fleshlight before, I'm guessing. No, I never have. Yes, I have. You never have. No. I would. You're dealing with Fleshlights. You've taken down many Fleshlights. Multiple iterations of Fleshlights. Different types. Different models. Something of a lady's name. Didn't a lady give you her fleshlight like it's her pussy? Alexa Fox. The problem is the moment you finish with them, for me personally, it's like a dark cloud just settles inside of you and there's something it knows inside of you like, this is wrong. There's like a level of sadness when you finish and you're like, fuck this because you got to maintain them too yeah you gotta clean oh that's the word you gotta clean them that's like again it's like you don't think about it so you have it and use it and you go i'm not gonna clean this thing and then it starts to either stink to where you're like dude i've had a pussy for two days and it stinks and it's like i'm telling you man it's like when you eat a meal cooked by yourself and wash the dishes alone. Yeah. Cooking or just cleaning a fleshlight and trying to like, you're supposed to technically powder the thing. Yeah. To where it's like, at that point, you're just on a, you're on the highway to just something terrible. Yeah. No. Dude, powdering your fleshlight for the thousandth time. Was that all the different, is that the. It's a jerk off thing, right? Yeah. Where'd you learn about the Tenga egg from? Twitter. Twitter? You have freaky Twitter. I have a list. I have a hidden list. I just found Thick Asians and added to the list. My bad. Before we get off the nub subject, the nugget subject, I think I just really want to see my lady suck titties. There's not a real way. She's not going to suck a lady's titties. You got to get her back on the bottle. I didn't mean to see, though. You got to get her back on the bottle. See, I feel like bro get the procedure get them yourself go in house get like some humble bees you should go full in house and just wear like just wear some sort of garb that covers your mask with your fucking perky little tits just dress like a stud mash them down or yeah I mean then it's like again you have to go to a strip club with your babe which is that's a nightmare and it's more expensive i didn't get a lot of i don't mean to be a negative nancy right now i didn't get a lot of sleep but it's again strip club with your babe well this will be cool you do it and you go give me the fuck out of here right now i've been in a strip club my babe a couple of times i've had i had fun you liked it i have fun i think i went did i go with you and my babe so how how do you giana michaels that's when we saw giana michaels yeah how did you comport yourself at the strip club because it's like kind of a weird thing because it's like well my babe Me and my baby were still kind of nude, and so we were just having fun. It wasn't – Like both grabbing titties? Yeah, I had no attachments. It was like, this might be – damn, I hope she don't care about it. Whatever. I talked – me and Brittany went to a strip club once. Yeah. I just felt like I was there with my – it's like bringing – this is a terrible analogy, but it's like bringing your dog to a dog shelter. Dog park. It's a dog park. Not a dog park. There's something sad because I was like, we're about to go home, and share an apartment and these ladies are like, oh, can we bring three of them with us? That's a bad analogy. There was something where I'm like, we have a relationship and then there's these ladies out here shaking their buttholes in my face. I haven't been with my ladies since we were still, this is before I even lived in New Jersey. So this would have been like nine years ago or more. So I don't even know how it would feel now, but then it just was, we got a couple's dance. That was cool, just having the lady dance with both of us it was kind of the best thing yeah to me it's like it's something weird about that you know what it is because you can't like can't go all out like you're in a strip club you gotta now you're really it's really put the gentleman in gentlemen's club it yeah i'm like oh yes great job oh fantastic that's 100 what happened i guess i'll suck your nipple for a second they do go yeah you do it is it becomes a spectator sport then like you it's they see you with a lady and the strippers just go like all the attention you would get goes to her now like yeah like you give them the dollar they put the titties and her fits and that was like the that you can get this you can you can one dollar you can do your nipple suck fantasy right yeah i don't know if i want her to suck in a strippers titty though also like you're so fucking picky over a torso dude it so much more empowering for to suck a stripper nipple than if you have bae sucking on the torso dude it so much more empowering for to suck a stripper nipple if you have bae sucking on the torso it sort of tastes like metal I haven't presented this to her either I keep saying it on podcast hoping she just listens to the episode and surprises you just gives a torso Valentine's Day was the ultimate window I know you could have got like chocolates, flowers and just had the torso. You guys could have had like... Just had it set around the torso. You guys could have had sushi off the torso. One more thing before we go to bed. Ah, fuck my knee. Shit. You're doing body shots off the torso. Clown back in the bed. I mean, you're right. We were waiting. the action goes on without you it's like no she makes me watch i get cucked by the torso that's crazy yeah no that's uh that's fun i mean yeah i mean you should do whatever you want you gotta you gotta keep everything alive and the juice is flowing for sure i was just more so curious i got such a heavy no from everybody and i was like that can't be but it might just be me maybe i'm maybe i'm a fucking weirdo no on their babe sucking the torso the only there was only nipples pat george was the only one who was like i kind of see the vision and uh everybody else was like nah but he's also been married forever yeah he also i mean i'm not i wouldn't be like offended i would just my problem is i guess there's certain things when you pull you know when you pull things out of pandora's box they can't go back in 100 so you don't know they could suck the torso that could be a real serious moment of reckoning where they're sucking the fake nipple and they just go What the hell am I doing What the fuck am I doing You can't be like I'm about to marry this freak This is awesome This is awesome Yeah Be nice to rough it up together Just beat up a torso Just get rough on the torso Just pretend it was like a bitch that bullied her in high school Step on his neck That's all he got Yeah having your wrestling buddy Yeah The cuddle would be nice on the road Just snuggling up to the torso Just sleeping on the boobs. So you got to get a body pillow? But it's real. No boobs on a body pillow, though. You can get a body pillow with boobs. Stop, dude. This isn't real. This is real. Is this part of, what was that squishy thing called? The Tenga Egg? The Tenga Egg. The Tenga Egg Universe. You can't get a body pillow with boobs, can you? You can get a body pillow with boobs, dude. This technology exists. Yeah, you're right. It has to exist, dude. Just look it up. I'm just curious. That's the problem, too, transporting the torso. is that if they open your shit in TSA the funniest is that a body pillow boobs I can't find one with boobs you can get just regular boobs but not on the body pillow maybe you could sew the boobs onto the body pillow so you can just get a set of boobs for your bed yeah you could get plush that might be what I mean plush boobies as a joke yeah but you're having sex you put her face on the pillow like normal but it's boobs now loophole that's a good loop that's okay oh chocolate titties chocolate so here's the thing you'd have to go snow bunny boobs would you go snow bunny boobs or like i would try to go latina boobs but but i feel like that would upset my lady where do you keep the boobs on the bed like in the middle like you have the two pillows and then like it's like it's a boob pillow and a boob pillow yeah it's not bad I'm telling you you can get it as a gag I mean again if you just pull it you might as well just pull the trigger I don't think if you just say hey no judgment but I or don't judge me I've had an idea in my head and just go yeah and then just drop the torso you can't no judgment does nothing I know you can't say that for yourself if my lady hit me with no judgment But unless she says something like ho shit that I'm not comfortable with, she said it and she's forever different in my mind. You know what I mean? She's 100% judged. True. Sean, you had a nice date, did you not? Wholesome stuff, too. Not like this. Okay. Come on, now. Yeah, look. Hey. Flip it over. I'm the one. I told you I've been trying to find a suitcase big enough. I'm on the bleeding edge of traveling with one of those things. Get a big Samson night. that thing has to be locked all the way up all my toiletries would be exactly three ounces I'm not fucking around at all I think in that case you have to like if they go to open your thing I think you can like kind of parlay and go like hey there's some very sensitive stuff in there can we go to the back it's almost worse to go in like a back room they're like bro I would do it right there I've been diddled so many times right there Look at my fuck. It's your revenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you guys gotta do USA does love to diddle you. They do. Also, they'd be thinking about that torso all day. If they saw the torso, the rest of that shift, they'd be like, fuck, dude. I wonder where he is right now. What? I clicked on the link to the Amazon torso and I realize that my family and I share an Amazon. It's going to be like keep shopping. Another thing that's stopping me from buying the torso is exactly that. You can't get a secret torso. It's $35. It's pretty cheap. You don't want a cheap one, though. You want a hundo. Sean, it's going to be classic Amazon. You're going to get it. It's going to be this big. You're going to end up with a neonatal torso You can't get a little torso That's terrifying They have male ones too I was just about to say I knew they had those existed Devils 3 would be nice Why don't you start with the Devils 3 No Plastic polycule No See the Devils 3 No Or what you do is you both get torsos You get a guy, she gets a girl And you make the torsos have sex You got a slow roll. We just watch. Yeah, that'd be kind of fun. It's like, actually, that one has legs. Now we're upgrading. That one's thick. That one's thick as hell. Did you see Cardi B fall off the chair? No. What's he? Dude, first of all, her ass is, it's got to be final form. It's massive, bro. She fell, played it off like a sport. She does have a good sense of humor, played it off like a good sport, but then ran around on stage, and it was like, it's such a wild world of performance where it's like you're you know just basically naked you have jacked guys just like humping all over you and then like all of her dancers none of them can have an ass as big as hers yeah you have like tiny ass dancers float around she wants love but everybody she loves keeps cheating on her yeah that's what i've that's the word on the street yeah you think she really wants love i mean yeah i guess she does yeah i think so i love bicarbonate she used to rob people she was a stripper dude yeah she's like drug and rob people was her like yeah i think she said that's part of the game yeah that's i remember people trying to get like mad at her for that it's like dude she's rapping about murdering people and then she's going like yeah i actually used to drug people and rob them it's like why are people acting like that's actually very unethical and it's not surprising like that's what you kind of that's what strippers do that's like Yeah, I'd say about 30% of them. 20. Salt Lake City, Utah. I will be there Saturday doing stand-up comedy. And I forget the name of the theater, but it'll be a good time. And so, yeah, man, I'll be in Boise, Idaho, Friday, and Salt Lake City, Saturday. So just kind of hanging out, prepping, totally natch. Here. What is that? Alcohol and coffee? Yeah, babe. Awful. I don't do that stuff anymore. All right. I'm actually going to Salt Lake City. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Me and my Mormon brothers. Also, say hi to my eldest wife. That's my eldest wife. That's my eldest wife. I'm working on a second right now, but maybe I'll find one in Utah. Stop it. We're just going to soak. It's not going to be a big deal. You know what soaking is? That's when your little brother jumps on the mattress. You're taking me on the other side. All right, guys, sorry. My oldest wife is attacking me. Matthew. What? Stop it. What? now fine you be my i'll get one oh stop it i'll get one older than you stop it my young wife you know how they get my youngest wife because i'll get your only wife keep fucking with me well hey that used to be that way but now due to my new faith i'm now more i'm a jack mormon i'm gonna break bad on this bottle of room um please come guys out jesus christ guys please fucking go oh all right we back oh god sorry i had to pee really badly oh man guys i'm so sorry i'm low energy right now so tired i ran 4.5 miles yesterday i'm toying with the idea of a half marathon yeah i heard the austin marathon was in town a half marathon is kind of weak though yeah when you when you do like half a thing and then put a sticker on your car like yeah i did half a thing isn't it only 13 miles no yeah half marathons 13.2 that's impressive 13.1 is impressive i did 4.5 yesterday and i'm like fucking dying right now but it's just nothing to celebrate i would say it's impressive for sure 26 the 26.2 is the real achievement i'm not you know i'm not like you know taking anything away from people do a half marathon but also like i'd be impressed if i did it i wouldn't advertise it no yeah what about you can't put a sticker on your car it's half you did a half thing what if it's a what if you're like a girl i mean that's why they made it for girls which is impressive well it's impressive and i'm not saying this to be a jerk it's like dude run that with tits running 13 miles with tits is crazy dude yeah yeah that's more impressive to me than a full marathon a guy doing a full marathon they're 13 miles on with balls easy bro balls are made for running i don't know man you ever like running and like accidentally smash your balls i've accidentally smashed my balls a thousand times never while running though never while running yeah because you can easily i mean i guess you can say a woman can wear a bra because you can fix your balls from swinging around obviously just by well you know i can just i can just run but you can like put on compression shorts is that have you have you hit your balls while running before yeah yeah i was just jumping and i just fucking clinked okay that's again not while running. I don't think anyone's hit their balls while running. It definitely is. Yeah, especially if you get a good squeeze them on action. That sucks. I still think running with tits is so much more impressive. Did y'all hear about the people in the Winter Olympics that are injecting HGH into their dicks to make them bigger, but they're doing it because they get bigger suits and the bigger suits make them a little more aerodic Like if their dicks are bigger, they get more. They get more. But wait, does that work? It makes them less aerodynamic, technically. That's what I was thinking. It's like a squirrel suit type vibe they're going for, like more carry because there's more fabric in their suit. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. The parachute type vibe. I think. Their penis shrinks up, but they have extra space in their crotch, so they get more like carry. Catch the wind. So they're making their dick smaller with the ACH. No, they're making it bigger while they get fitted for the suit. But then when they compete, it goes back down to normal itty-bitty. Okay, okay. I misunderstood it. But wait, it works? Yeah. It doesn't last. You can put Botox in your dick. No, that's gross, though. What's the difference between Botox and HGH? Well, I guess they're two different things. Botox is poison. I mean, dude, girls inject it all over themselves. They're fine. They shouldn't get it. Dumb. Dude, don't call girls dumb every day. No, dude, you can put Botox. It reduces. Apparently, the medical term for it is turtling. Turtling is like when your dick retracts and it's like wrinkled due to retracting. I know what turtling is. I figured it out. So you can inject Botox and you're just fully smooth. You're like flaccid, but it's just like full hang. Dude, I think I'm turtling right now. I just peed. I'm turtling big time. But yeah, I mean. so yeah you you push it out a little bit and then when you what are they skiers doing like ski jumping or something yeah you catch a little wind so then you have a little extra things you're not cutting through the air as fast but when you hang you have a little you have like little wings okay so yeah i wonder though what kind of gains are they posting i'd be as an olympic fan i'd be interested in what kind of is it like two two inch gains or you mean or in the flaccid. I only care about gaining flaccid. Gaining hard is like whatever. I think there's a theory of drinking water. I think that's true. Acidity. Being well hydrated, for sure. That's verified. If you have to pee, your dick gets bigger. You almost get a boner if you wait long enough. If you have to pee bad enough, you kind of chop up. You're like, yo, let's go. it's all come together now i get to get up on this plane and walk to the bathroom yeah there's no better thing i mean it's such a weird thing because like yeah you can be like semi-chubbed and fucking popping out of the sweats and it's like very powerful then you catch yourself here what why why am i doing this right this is crazy nobody's paying any attention I'm in public This is retarded So guys before we conclude since we're at almost an hour Is there any final words? I would like to hear what people think about the nugget I want to see if I'm alone Having your babe suck on the nugget? Babe sucking on the nugget I mean I don't think it would be a bad time You know I have thought about it in the last few minutes Thinking about The turn it could do in her mind But you also You can't put the nugget in bed and not Do anything to it yourself You can't just have the babe sucking on the nugget You're going to have to plow the nugget in front of the babe You got it You got it dude And that is That will feel hilarious I mean it's It's got it I don't know. Just the image would go through her brain. She would just store it and just be like... I mean, you catch a glimpse of yourself fucking a nug in the mirror. You got to cover it up. You got to cover the mirror up? No, the nug. You got to make it look like there's somebody there. It's just an ass poking out of the... Yeah, I like that. Yeah. It's under the covers. It's our secret hole. It's a secret hole. As a matter of fact, people do that all the time. Wait a second. This isn't my torso I left here. This is a person. You played a trick on me. You goofed me. Well, guys, I think we made it to an hour. Thank you guys very much. Thank you guys for slopping it up. Of course. Hey. Bye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.