My roommate’s mother SECRETLY moved in to our dormitory…and I want her out! -r/BORUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP2669

Hey, this is Angie. And this is Dakota, your favorite okay story time hosts. And we've got some great stories coming up. But before that, we have a quick two minute break from the sponsors that keep this show running. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed human. No gloss, no filter. Just stories. Spoken without fear. A person who is not generous cannot be an artist. The world will be at peace only when it is ruled by poets and philosophers. Listen to my weekly podcast, the Puja Bha Chow on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Come for the honesty. Stay for the fire. Sounds like a lawn mower, doesn't it? But it's actually the sound of someone's dream coming true. Right about now. Dreaming is great. But what's better than knowing that this tiny patch of turf is yours and nobody else's? When it's time to realize your dream at Lloyd's, we're ready when you are. Britain's number one direct lender for first time buyers. Mortgages on Lloyd's? Bank on Lloyd's. Based on monthly completion values, June to September 2025. To verify, see Lloydsbank.com forward slash bank on Lloyd's. My roommate's mother secretly moved into our dormitory and I want her out. What is she, a chameleon? Me and three other girls live in an on campus apartment style dorm. We all have our own bedrooms and there are two bathrooms. One of the main people in question, let's call her Eve, is one of the roommates I share the kitchen and living space with. And she is also international. All of my roommates had a group chat over the summer where we barely texted, but used it as a way to communicate just in case. I just want to throw that out there for context. By the way, this comes from second coming of RUHXD. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay, story time, separate it, I'm Sophia. I'm DeHota. I'm Keon. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have the answers. We don't, we don't, we only know what we know. Let us know what you know. Oh, he says, last Saturday I moved in and opened the dorm door for the first time. I noticed Eve and her mom cooking in the dorm kitchen. I introduced myself then continued getting the rest of my stuff from the car and proceeded with the moving process. I noticed Eve's mom was wearing pajama bottoms, but I did not give it much thought since people now wear pajamas like the jeans. I do not have a meal plan and wanted to avoid spending money on fast food. So during move in, I brought a decent amount of groceries to cook whenever I am hungry. One other roommate, not Eve, also moved in, but she only took up one cabinet. When I opened the other cabinets, I noticed nearly every single one was filled with Eve's stuff. Her mom saw that I clearly looked annoyed, so she decided to shift some of her daughter's items into other cabinets. The fridge was also completely jam packed with Eve's food. Surely she could not have had a meal plan, so out of curiosity, I asked. To my surprise, she does have a meal plan and said that she lives in the dining hall. When I went to open the pantry closet, it was filled with Eve's messenger bags and shoes. Yes, shoes. After moving my suitcases in and putting my food wherever I could find space, I went to sleep. I was exhausted because I had been out very early doing last-minute shopping and packing. I woke up the next day, Sunday, and saw Eve's mom making a cup of tea in the kitchen. I was confused about why she had not gone back to her hotel or flown home. I assumed she would be gone by Sunday since classes started Monday. Fast forward to today, an entire week later, and Eve's mom is fully living with us. She eats here, cooks here, showers here, and sleeps here. Whenever I come back from class to make myself something to eat, she comes out of the room and asks if she can cook my food for me. Eve never thought it was important to tell us any of this. She did not say a single word about her mom living with us in the dorm. That alone makes the situation feel strange and uncomfortable to me. Here is why I am conflicted. Eve's mom is genuinely very nice. She cleans, sometimes even washes my plates, offers us the food she cooks, and is overall a kind person. However, there are small but constant annoyances that add up over time. She cooks for hours on end, and I mean literally from around 9am to 10pm. She takes up most of the first space, and she recently did another grocery shopping spree, bearing my food even further in the back. She also does not let me cook alone, which is something I personally hate. Most importantly, she never checked with her daughter to see if any of us were okay with her staying here. Another reason I am torn about asking her to leave is because she mentioned how expensive groceries are for her. That made me wonder if she cannot afford a hotel room. If I told an RA, she would likely be gone immediately, and I worry that she would end up on the streets because of me. Having a parent stay in a dorm obviously is not allowed. One of my other roommates is fine with her staying, so I do not want to be the only one complaining. If I told an RA, the issue would be resolved fast. But it would definitely create tension in the apartment. I feel completely conflicted and honestly do not know what to do. And the consensus is that this isn't legal, and OP should tell the RA about their living situation. I don't know, if there's, I think you go to the RA and say, hey, I don't want them to like get mad at me, but this is happening. And maybe you guys can arrange some sort of thing where they have to go and check the apartments and, I don't know, throw a ways. Yeah, I don't know. Regardless, she's not supposed to be living there. I guess it depends on like, if this is just a random dorm mate, or if this is someone you're close with, it's like, why would she be living there? Like what is the situation? Is she on the run? Does she have a warrant out? Is she in hiding? Yeah. Like what's going on? OP says, magically, whenever there's another large grocery transfer, the other girls are in their rooms, and I doubt they care about the fridge situation since I've never seen them cook. They also are extremely nonchalant and chill. Like one of the girls has to not only share a living room and kitchen, but also a bathroom with Eve's mom and seems content. As for other students seeing her move in the large amount of groceries, they probably don't think much of it since parents drop off groceries for their students all the time. Mine does on the weekends sometimes too. I'm excessively typing at this point, but maybe they do think it's weird that she's doing all this on a Monday or Tuesday, and not like a weekend when most parents don't have work. She gets in and out by not leaving the dorm until her daughter returns. During the weekday, she's seriously here all day. If she needs to get out to go get some water, she'll prop the door open. Update, four months later, but what do you think? I think we done got that lady right out of the dorm. I think you already have four months later. I would have hoped that you would have gotten her out four months later because it's pretty easy. She's now the school cook, the school mom. It's going to be like four months later. So I'm best friends with my roommate's mom. Yeah, she lives with me now. I was going to say at my college, there is a couple moms that they do like Ubers, but they don't like kids don't pay for it because they're like, oh, we'll take you to parties. We know you're you know, you're not you're having the college experience and they're like, like, yeah, my son goes here, but like I want to be a cool mom and it's actually generally really sweet. But there is an update. Four months later, I thought it would be fine until it wasn't. Each day I realized more and more how little respect and thought the mom and daughter, my roommate Eva, Eva, you changed her name. I'm going to keep it Eve had for me and my two other roommates. Some of the things that really pushed me into making the decision I did was one, the brother situation. I am unsure if I mentioned this in the original post, but they also have a brother, my son, who goes to college in the States, the same state, but it's in a city roughly an hour and 30 minutes away. They would bring him over unannounced. But when he was over, you knew he was over because his loud, deep voice. One Sunday at 9am, I was awakened out of my sleep by the sound of his loud voice walking through the door. This was extremely frustrating to me because on the weekends I like to sleep for a very long time because I have 8am classes all throughout the week. That was one of the moments I was like, yeah, no. You first of all do not say anything or text anybody that this man is going to be coming and can basically pop up at any time, which is personally extremely uncomfortable for me. The next was the fridge situation. The mom had a major shopping issue. I think this was rooted in the fact that she had to be bored staying in the storm all day. She continued to go on these massive grocery shopping sprees and would fill the fridge up to the point where you had to manually push the fridge door to close. There was literally no space for my roommates and I to put our food to the point where one of my other roommates bought a personal mini fridge. This was another strike. Strike 2. Why are we letting it get this far? They're like, that's crazy. There's a big problem here. Let's not solve the problem. Yeah. Let's just work around it. That's insane. I'm sorry. The second that I find out this mom is living in my apartment, I'm talking to the RA. You've got the resources baked in to deal with this. Yeah. I don't want to go into all the things she did because that'd be me ranting at this point, but I'll briefly mention two more. The mom prohibited me from making a quick lunch in my two-hour gap between by hogging up the kitchen to make her grand meals. Like imagine wanting to make yourself something quick to eat, but you can't because all four stove burners are being used. This was also a big no. Then leaving the door open for the mom to get in and out also made me feel unsafe, so that was another realized big no. All of these factors and others in addition to the combination of reading these Reddit comments, I realized that I do not have to deal with any of this. Yeah. Finally, you've realized that she literally can't be here. Yeah. That's wait, I don't have to do this. Yeah. Yeah. I've been choosing to do this. Yeah, that's crazy. She's not allowed to be here. The fact that it didn't just spur in your mind of like, no, I can tell on you. I can admit it. Well, it does. Yeah. You're actually not allowed to be here at all. It takes a minute sometimes to learn that you can just look out for number one. Me, you have to look out for me. Look out for Dakota. Look out for Dakota. He's coming after you. He's number one. As much as I tried to tell myself, it's okay. If I find myself complaining, then it's truly not okay. I did not feel the need to talk to my roommate about her mom because it couldn't be more obvious that mom was fully planning on staying the entire semester. Plus, why should I have to do this when there is literally someone who gets paid to handle the situation? So what I did was this. I emailed and privately messaged the RA the weekend, all of that, all that was happening. She then thanked me for letting her know. And then she forwarded the message to her supervisor. I did this the weekend that I was away in hopes that when I came back, the smoke cleared. Unfortunately, when I came back, the mom was still there. That is insane to me. She literally cannot be there. That is not legal. She cannot be staying there. How is that possible? However, the next day when I quickly went into the kitchen to grab something, I saw suitcases packed. The mom was leaving. Hallelujah. Yes. Yay. And here we have the humble mother packing her bags and leaving. What? Right. The journey of great import. This is the national geographies. Kinda. That's what I was going for. I don't know, man. Boy, oh boy. Thank goodness. Play that John Lennon song. For me. So that one. I'm gonna play Let It Be. Don't Merry Christmas. Because that's what you did. You did Let It Be for four months. You let it bleed. Let it bleed. Let it bleed. Let it bleed. And she's gone. Thank goodness. And the moral of this story, OP, because you are young, you're in college. Presumably you're either, you know, 18, 19. You just gotta stand up for yourself when you know something's not supposed to be happening and it's inconveniencing you. We can, we can snitch. Yeah. We can snitch. Yeah. But there is a little bit left to this story. Fast forward to December. Eve clearly has a chip on her shoulder towards me and the other roommates. Me and one of the other roommates have gotten to talk more since I wrote this. And she let me know that the RA told her that we all would have gotten in trouble because we were all breaking the rules by letting the mom stay. So luckily I said something and pronounced to me and she was also deeply uncomfortable with sharing a bathroom. Also Eve's mom was apparently disgusting in the bathroom with the mom and that Eve never told her anything prior besides move in day where Eve was just like, oh, by the way, my mom is here. And that Eve was actually planning on allowing her brother to sleep on the couch to have nearly daily sleepovers. She was going to do that, of course, without anyone's permission. Long read, but thank you all for the advice. It really emboldened and justified me reaching out to the RA. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Dang man. And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one. My roommate let a thug move in with us. Now I want him out ASAP. Let's get to know him first. There's a trigger warning for substances. About a year ago, my best friend foreverist, 25 female and I, got our first apartment together in the city. Even though I was excited to start this new chapter in my life, I knew we were not going to be great roommates. I would argue she is my soulmate and we can get through hard times together. However, we are very alike in some areas and complete opposites in others. Because of that, some of the things I do drive her absolutely nuts. By the way, this comes from user loser cash. And if you want to submit your own story, you go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Dakota. I'm Sophia. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We don't know everything. We only know some things. Let us know the things you know in the comments. And OP says, some of the things that bother her, including not telling her where I'm going if I go on a date weird, quitting a job without another one lined up. Why? And being too honest at times. I can understand why she would be upset about those things. And I might end. I'm actively learning from my mistakes. On the other hand, there are many things she does that drives me insane. She will not unclog the toilet and leaves it for me to do. She skips work if she doesn't feel like going. She allows people to sleep in my bed when I am not there. She also makes our dog wait far too long to go to the bathroom because she needs to do other things first, like heating up her food or charging random devices. And of course, there is the issue of her running around with a thug. Now to get to the real issue. A few months back, my roommate and I were drinking and thought it would be nice to watch the stars. We walked outside our apartment and laid on the sidewalk just talking. A man came along. We will call him John, 40, male. He started striking up a conversation with us. It was not a bad conversation, and we actually liked his energy at first. He seemed nice enough, but being in the ghetto, my guard is always up. After that first meeting, those two became almost inseparable. She invited him over nearly every night. At first, I didn't think much of it. However, I became worried because he openly claimed to be a thug, and I was afraid other people would see him walking into our apartment and come after us. That is not a crazy fear. A guy blasted up an apartment for that exact same reason not long before. Another issue is that I am not emotionally invested in this friendship with John, but my roommate is. She would walk around with him at night and he would get her substances if she asked. I told her it worried me, but she is a grown woman and will do what she wants. Still, it becomes my problem when he keeps coming back to our apartment. One day, he said that some thugs were looking for him, and not in the let's grab a cup of coffee and talk about our differences kind of way. I dropped them off at a concert and waited for them to call me for a ride. That never happened. The next morning, I saw her and immediately wondered how she got home. I asked if she took an Uber or the bus. Nope. They decided to walk for miles through neighborhoods where people wanted to chat with John. I was furious. I could not believe he put her in that kind of danger. Why would he do that? However, knowing my roommate as well as I do, I know she has a tendency to get what she wants no matter the risk. Even if she gets hurt, she will still push forward. In other words, she self-sabotages. She also has a habit of becoming like whoever she is dating. If her boyfriend is lazy, she also becomes lazy. I'm not trying to be rude, but I have seen this pattern over and over. Now that she's involved with a homeless jobless man, I am more than concerned. She will follow the same path. To be clear, I have no problem with homeless people at all, aka sidewalk folk. But knowing how she mirrors her partners, I'm not just worried. I am directly involved. A little over a week ago, she decided she did not want to go to work and said she would go back whenever she felt like it. Rent still has not been paid. Meanwhile, she continues to buy or steal unnecessary things. About a week ago, we had a huge argument about her not working, wasting money, and of course, John. At this point, I think we got to break the lease, find a new place. Without her. That might be the solution. Yeah, I don't think it's safe. I don't think she's gonna listen. I think we got to get out of here. Here we are again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again to dictate anything when he was a guest. My roommate told me to drop it, but I could not. I wanted him out of there. I wanted to remind him that this was not his house. He does not pay bills. He steals from malls and hands out stolen items as gifts. He is far from being done with the thug lifestyle. I don't want him in my house. At this point, my roommate and I are no longer speaking. I have told her countless times how uncomfortable I am with him being there. I am even more uncomfortable when she leaves the house at night with him. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not her mother and that I need to care less. My boyfriend is the only person I can talk to about all of this. Being the great guy that he is, he does not always take my side. Sometimes he agrees with me and sometimes he checks me when I am wrong. I have my boyfriend on my right telling me I had every right to be upset that John would not get up and talk. And on my left is my roommate saying John did not have to talk. I have never been more confused about whether I am being dramatic or justified. If I am the homeowner, do I not have the right to make guests leave? I explained to my roommate that if she ever had a problem with my boyfriend while he was at the house, she should be able to speak with him whenever she needed to, big or small. If he refused, he would be in serious trouble. Was I wrong to be upset over this? Everything has been going on for so long that I no longer know how to feel. I need honest opinions. Am I a hole? No, you have an update. You just got to move out. Move out as soon as you can. That's it. That's the only solution. She's not willing to listen. You're not, you know, you don't want to live in this situation anymore or in this apartment. So we got to move out. Yeah, anytime he's like, yeah, I got people actively out to get me. Yeah, we go, I'm going to sleep at your place. No, no, no, no. I don't want them to get you at my place. I don't want them to get me too. Because then they're going to get me. Yeah. Get out of this neighborhood. Yeah. Update. One month later, here's what's happening now. I'm moving out on January 17th. I do not want to speak with her anymore and I'm getting a protection order against John. Dang, what happened? Well, about a week ago, my roommate came into my room and asked if I had put cameras and microphones in her room to mess with her. I obviously did not and I could not care less about what she does in her own space. I knew immediately that she was spiraling. She apologized and admitted that she and her boyfriend were toxic, but would not give details. Later, she admitted she was doing spice a flower and taking pills for pain. I knew she still was not telling me the full truth. She apologized for things she had done in the past. And then everything completely fell apart. On Monday, she burst into my room screaming for me to call 911. She ran out before I could even ask why I was confused and terrified, but I had never seen her that scared. She claimed she was hearing voices saying his side chick was going to unalive her if she found out. Okay, well, that's a full psychotic break. Found out what exactly he had stolen her identity. He knew her social security number and had her debit card. He refused to give it back unless she returned his things. I threw some of his belongings out the window and told her to do the same, but she refused. The police came and spoke with us for a long time. The officer and I both knew she was experiencing psychosis. She is undiagnosed, but it is clearly schizophrenia. Her birth family has a history of substance use and her mother had schizophrenia. She told me that one day while I was at work, she planned to jump out my window because she thought he was going to unalive her. We live on the second floor. That's untreated schizophrenia. Do be rough. That same night, her family came and picked her up. She was gone for three days. When she returned, she finally told me everything. They had been doing the, they had been doing the breaking bad in her room for months. That alone did not shock me, but my goodness, am I glad you're leaving? That was a bad situation. And that's why we don't hang out with self-proclaimed thugs. Yeah, or just people we meet on the sidewalk while we're presumably very under the influence. That is well. And in this case, we just don't lie on the sidewalk. Both of those things were true. Dangerous neighborhood. Let's finish this story. What did shock me was that the substance she was smoking with him was laced. She still gets the ganja from him and hopes he will go to rehab just as she claims she will. She suggested a six day rehab stay as if that would fix everything. As of now, he is not allowed back into the apartment. However, I have no control over what happens when I am at work. I'm filing for a protection order on Monday, but I only know his first and last name. I am exhausted from this so-called friendship, the excuses and the chaos. I am done with the city. I am moving back to my hometown where I will make triple the money, save up and eventually get a place with my man. We should have been doing that the whole time. Yeah, yeah. Again, this episode is just about like, let's stand up for ourselves when we're in these bad living situations. Yet you gotta figure out what your options are and take them. And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one. My girlfriend has been texting my roommate while we're all in the same room. Well, messages are you trying to send her with her? My girlfriend, 22 female and I, 23 male, have always had a lot of fun together. She is my best friend and the absolute love of my life. And I genuinely thought we were on the same page about our future. I plan to propose this Christmas and already have her father's blessing. Everything felt solid and secure up until recently. That's why what's been happening has shaken me so badly. By the way, this comes from Dug It Away. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Sophia. I'm Angie. I'm Carly. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We're only here for a good time, but you might know things. So let us know, you know, OP says recently I noticed her acting differently with our roommate, who is also one of my oldest friends. He's known for being a womanizer womanizer woman and always has different girls leaving in the same clothes they had on the night before. One day I came home from work and they were quietly whispering in the kitchen. It sounded like a serious discussion. And when the door closed, I swear I heard her say, he's home. When I walked into the room, they immediately shot apart. It could have been paranoia on my part, I guess. Still the moment stuck with me and wouldn't leave my mind. Then last night, when we were all sitting together watching some stupid reality show that she loves, she was on her phone the entire time. I tried to ignore it, but the feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away. His phone buzzed and I saw her name on his screen. They were texting while we were all in the same room together. That can't be good, can it? It felt surreal to watch it happen right in front of me. I couldn't focus on anything else after that. Now I don't know what to do. How do I even bring this up without sounding accusatory or unhinged? Do I confront her directly or do I talk to him first? Do I need to snoop for evidence or would that just make everything worse? Relevant comments. Inspector Gadget says, really? Your mind jumped a cheating? Because mine jumped a Christmas surprise. Mr. Schuch says, you've got some circumstantial evidence here. It certainly could be bad, but it could also be nothing. Christmas is coming up. Maybe she's working on a surprise gift for you. Talk to her. A ruined surprise is a small price to pay for preserving what sounds like a good relationship. It is a Christmas surprise. Surprise! I'm cheating on you! Deleted says, why is it the first thing that comes to mind is that she's being unfaithful to you with a roommate? I think that area needs some more exploration. Has she cheated before? How does she treat you? Has anything changed from how she used to treat you? It is really a big jump to accuse an SO of cheating on you, especially with no background information. I have acted in a similar way with my boyfriend's male friends, two of which were roommates, and I have never cheated on my boyfriend. I was acting secretively because I had a surprise for him and they were in on it. Update! Two days later! What do you think? Vote in the comments, cheating or Christmas surprise? I'm gonna say Christmas surprise. Oh, Kansas Christmas. Surprise cheating Okay, I'll jump out the Christmas. I want to have hope. I got two for Christmas train, one for Christmas cheating, one for Christmas cheating, Christmas. That is what I said. What do you think, Carly? I'm kind of confused what the options are now. Christmas cheating, Christmas cheating, or just Christmas surprise. Christmas surprise does not have anything up in the air. Christmas surprise then. I'll get it on the board. All right, it's winning. Okay, Katniss ever again. Aliens says Jillybug. It reminds me of, you know the Bolt? Yes. A claimed movie Bolt. The pigeons they go, okay, what about aliens? I don't remember that, but that sounds great. It's so good. He's like, I got an idea for you. Aliens! Two days later. Thank you to anyone who replied with advice. As one Redditor rightly guessed, I have been cheated on before. It was one of those after I found out and ended it. It turns out some of my friends had noticed and never bothered to tell me. So now I worry I look for the signs a bit too much. She's never given me a reason not to trust her until this whole roommate thing came about. I'd like to clear up a few points. When he first moved in, she didn't approve of his promiscuous ways. She was worried about a lot of different girls having access to her home when we're not there. And while she made her feelings clear, they still remain civil. Stayed out of each other's ways, small talk, etc. He told her his only rule for sleeping around is that everyone involved had to be single. He's a strong believer of bro code, which makes this harder to swallow for me. She has never made me feel the need to snoop. She charges her phone on my nightstand instead of her own because hers is full of books and a lamp. If she has something to hide, she wouldn't leave her stuff. So out in the open, would she? After the other night, she left her phone on my nightstand as usual and pretty much went straight to sleep. I admit I tried to look. Her password had changed, which shocked me a lot. She only has a password to stop from butt-dialing people. Everyone knew our password. She's a very open book about stuff. I got so angry I couldn't sleep. This is another red flag, right? But I couldn't exactly wake her and demand her new password. Good eye. Without giving it all the way. I fumed for ages, got about two hours of sleep. Last night is where everything went wrong. She messaged me saying she was on her way home and she'd meet me there. Did I want anything specific for tea? I said, steak. She said, you can pick this up. She said, can you pick up this and this from the store on your way home? I said, yes. See you later. Still angry and hurt over my failed snooping attempt the night before. I get to the store after work knowing she was home. And when I went to pick up what she asked for, they had ran out. So I decided to ring her to see if there was any alternative or to just leave it. There was no answer. I rang again. No answer. My stomach was in knots at this point. I ring my roommate. No answer. Stomach doing backflips. I rang the house phone. No answer. So something in me snapped and I rang over and over and let it constantly ring until one of them picked up. She eventually answers sounding out of breath. Another red flag to me. I was so angry at this point. I snapped at her saying, where the f have you been? She claims to have been in the shower. I asked, where the f is he? She claims to not know the house was empty when she got home. I don't believe her and say I'll be home in 20. I gave her an incorrect time. So if they were up to something, I'd catch them in the act. I was home within five. And when I got there, she had got back into the shower. He wasn't home. But you know what Riley says? What does he say? When people are taking showers, probably got up to no good. Is that what he says? Something like that. It's not exactly a direct quote. When you're taking showers, you're probably a showering because you were a little dirty. Angie never showers. That's why Riley's okay with it. Yeah, I never showers. I'm just always clean. She goes, she goes. She just the bewitched like nose twitch. Yeah. Yeah. And then she's clean. She just, she's clean now. Her phone was on the table. So I guessed her password again and again until I disabled her phone. I was so angry. I didn't even care. I banged on the bathroom door and told her to get out. We need to talk. She came out wrapped in a towel. Eyes worried. I demanded to know what was going on. She said she had no idea what I was on about. I told her to unlock her phone because I know they're up to something. She started to get upset and begged me not to do this. She said I was ruining everything sounding like an admission to me. So I called her a sleut instead of she didn't show me her phone right now. I was leaving. She started crying, unlocked her phone and threw it at me, then went to our bedroom and shut the door. Instead of following, I started reading. Well, Reddit, half of you were right. It was a Christmas surprise. Oh, let's go. OP, you're a freaking A-hole. You're a freaking A-hole. You're freaking A-hole, OP. Wow. You're ruining everything. That sounded like Christmas to me, my guy. Not an admission. So, so what we've just happened, what we've just learned here, first of all, you see them texting each other. You go to Reddit. Reddit tells you, Hey, why don't you talk to her instead of talking to her? You then try to access her phone. Bad. Don't do that. Then you go to the store. You're angry at her instead of talking to her. You try and call her. She doesn't pick up. You try and call again. She doesn't pick up. Then you start getting really aggressive on the phone. Say, you're coming home. You come home. She's in the shower. You'll try again. You'll trick her on the way home. Yeah, you trick her. You try again to break into her personal phone. Then when you can't do that, aggressively bang on the door. I'm now scared if I'm in her place. I'm terrified. Then she comes out. She's a no, no, like you're ruining everything. You call her a derogatory name. Again, continuing to get even more aggressive. You don't deserve to be in this relationship anymore. I don't know. She was literally just trying to do something nice for you. Yeah. You don't deserve to be in this relationship. Our roommate works at a sports shop. She had a range for me to get a whole new football kit, not just for me, but for my entire Sunday League team. She had been asking the guys their sizes and messaging them to my roommate so we can keep them to one side for her at the store. I felt so sick. This amazing girl has been trying to do something for me that I really needed. I'm captain of the Sunday League team and I've been moaning about the cost of a new kit. So she's using her own money to do this for me. And I've just called her a sleut and accused her of sleeping with her roommate. I heard her crying from our bedroom. So I knocked on it and started apologizing. Ethit, I even got upset and started crying. I can't believe I caused this. She wouldn't answer the door, kept telling me to f off. Then she used the phone in our room to ring her dad. He came for, asked no questions on why she was upset. Just gave me the look that makes my butt leak. She packed a bag and she's gone back to her parents place. I broke down and confessed I'd been planning on proposing. I don't know what I expected it to do, but she got really angry. And told me after four years together, if I can jump to an extreme conclusion so quickly, that I'm not ready to be married. She's right. I don't know her at all. I clearly don't trust her and there is no hope for us. She's right. I've been blowing up her phone since until she either blocked me or turned it off. Wow. So we were right. I honestly like wasn't even sold on my Christmas idea. I'm never sold on a Christmas surprise. I just really wanted it to be a wholesome thing. Yeah, me too. And there also just was not that much evidence. No, there was truly maybe 10% of evidence. Yeah. Literally all he knew was that his roommate had texted his girlfriend. Yeah. And if you had been, like even if you had been cheating on before, you've been with this person for four years. Like I know obviously it can still happen after that time, but it's still planning on proposing to her. Yeah. It's like maybe let's deal like this is a trauma response in a way or something or you're or at least you're having a poor response because you haven't dealt with your trauma. Maybe let's deal with our trauma before we like marry someone. And even if she had been cheating, you still would have been the a-hole. Totally. Because you didn't approach it in a mature way. You snuck around, you invaded her privacy. Yeah. You approached her aggressively and you never actually asked. There is a little bit left. Well, Reddit, I let my anger get the best of me and now I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me. She told my roommate too and he came home pissed at me as well. He said he can't believe I think he would do that to me. She left me, roommate is pissed at me. Safe to say I ruined Christmas and lost my incredible girl. Any advice how to fix this? I don't want it to end over something so effed on my part. Final comments. You can call me Cal. Says after four years together, if I can jump to an extreme conclusion so quickly, yada yada. Buddy, I'm sorry, but I'm fairly certain your relationship is screwed beyond all repair. Whether or not she takes you back, you really need to look into getting some therapy for yourself. Frankly, it wasn't fair of you to judge your girlfriend based on your X's mistakes. And you will destroy many more relationships in the future due to your lack of trust and your inability to resolve conflict fairly without name calling. Deleted says in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I am not dating OP. And that is the end of that story. Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite goofball host here. And we're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. My boyfriend's friend repeatedly intruded on Christmas, so I snapped at her. As you should go. I female 24 and with my longtime boyfriend and best friend since birth, male 23, let's call him Will. Our moms were best friends in high school and since we are less than a year apart, we grew up extremely close and we're always together. By the way, this comes from Winnowicey and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time, subreddit. I'm Sophia and I'm Savannah and we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. OP says, Will his twin brother, let's call him Wyatt, and I spent our childhood inseparable going on vacations, having summer sleepovers and doing everything as a trio. Will and I basically had crushes on each other since elementary school, but only officially started dating when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman in high school. We have only ever dated each other. When it was time for college, I was set to start first since I was a grade ahead. We both decided I should take a gap year so we could start college together. Well, we both ended up taking multiple gap years. We had decent jobs and the luxury of being able to travel. So we did this year. All three of us started college for the first time, plus Will and Wyatt's best friend. Let's call him Ian at male 23. As the years went by before I started college, I kept switching ideas for majors. I eventually chose one that was not offered at the college we all wanted to attend. I talked with Will about it and we decided we could still make it work since the college that offered my major was only about an hour car ride away. College started and I ended up absolutely hating my major. I decided I would switch majors and transfer to the original college which Will was super happy about and I would be moving into the apartment he shares with Wyatt Now moving on to the actual problem. It was winter break and I was beyond excited to finally spend time with Will since we barely saw each other during the semester. Even though we texted constantly and FaceTimed every night, sometimes only for five minutes it was not the same. I missed him deeply and had been counting down the days. So imagine my surprise when I came home for break, went to his parents house and there was a girl sitting in the living room with them. Will came up and greeted me like everything was completely normal and introduced me to her. We'll call her Abby, female 19. Wyatt told me they had all grown close to her at college and that she had become like a best friend to them. I was floored. Will never once mentioned making any close friends at college, let alone a girl. I could tell by my expression that Will knew I was not thrilled but since we were around the others I stayed quiet. Not long after I went to help Will and Wyatt's mom in the kitchen and asked her if she knew anything about Abby. I asked if maybe her family lived far away or if she could not afford to travel or if she had a bad home life. I was looking for anything that could make sense of this. She told me she had asked the same questions because she was also a bit weirded out. They told her Abby had a good relationship with her family but simply wanted to spend Christmas with friends this year. That's not, I don't know, but typically that's not, if you have a good relationship with your family, typically not spending it with the friends. My mom gets so sad when my, because my brother hurt his wife's family lives in Florida and so like one year they'll go, I don't know, Ohio, the other year they'll go Florida and my mom gets so sad when he doesn't spend Christmas with us. I'm gonna be sad like if we get to the point where like I have to, like whenever it gets to the point where you have to like start switching family. Right, I know, I think about that, I'm like, what? No, they can come here. Yeah, what? That rub me the completely wrong way. I cannot imagine ditching my family to spend Christmas with two guys I have only known for three or four months, especially when I'm not dating either of them. For context, Wyatt is attracted to the same gender. I talked to Will about it later that night and told him I was uncomfortable with Abby being there. This was supposed to be our time together after months apart and it is a family holiday and she is not family. Will told me he understood but said she was just a good friend and wanted to spend Christmas with them. He said he felt too bad to tell her no. This is not a is my boyfriend cheating situation. I genuinely trust Will and do not believe he would ever cheat on me. I admit I get jealous sometimes but I really do not think I am being unreasonable here. I do not mind him having friends of a different gender as long as boundaries are respected. This feels like a massive boundary issue to me. We were supposed to use this break to reconnect but instead this girl who has already been spending months with them is constantly around. This feels like a non-issue to me. Yeah. This feels like kind of I think maybe you are over reacting a little bit about her just being here because she's got two other guys she can spend time with. Exactly, that's what I was thinking. Yeah. So like just talk to your boyfriend and say, hey I really want to have some time just one on one. Yeah. It's not like he's like skipping out on their time to spend time with her. Yeah. Not that we know of at least but like you know. You know like you're not with your family. Exactly. Yeah. Like what else is she supposed to do? I don't know. You are technically not like yes you are in a sense family but you're not married to your boyfriend. You know. You're not biologically family. So I think you're being a little bit territorial and I feel like you're not mad at the things that I would expect you to be mad at. You know. Agree. Which you know you can we're now our emotions aren't always how we expect them to be but I think you need to sit with that and be like why am I actually mad at this? I thought maybe she would spend more time with Wyatt so Will and I could do our own thing. That did not happen. We went ice skating two days ago which is one of our traditions and Abby immediately wanted to come when we got ready. We tried to watch a movie in the basement and Abby showed up. We went to look at Christmas lights and Abby wanted to come. We went Christmas shopping and Abby wanted to come. We had a date plan for the Christmas market and she knew it was a date and still wanted to come. That time Will did say no. The only time Wyatt was with us during any of this was for the Christmas lights so it was not about her not wanting to be alone. I finally snapped tonight. Will and I were getting ready to go to my grandma's house to decorate cookies which is something we do every year. Abby asked where we were going and Will answered her. She then asked again if she could come. This is where I might be the a-hole. I told her no that she could not come and that she had intruded enough on this break already. Yeah just a little bit of a hole. You literally could have just said oh like I'm sorry you know my grandma just likes to do it with us. Yeah that's it but the thing is OP has seemingly got to the breaking point. Yeah OP has a lot of resentment of just like oh like I want her gone like this is my time this is supposed to be our time you know and now it's just like oh like stop asking like I get that oh he's annoyed and frustrated and you know. And Abby is seemingly annoying like this this does feel annoying. Well yeah but I feel like it's like a Will problem. Like Will needs to just realize my girlfriend doesn't want or like you need to talk to Will so that he realizes my girlfriend doesn't want three on you know three time. She wants two person time and then he needs to start setting the boundary. Well I'm also thinking maybe Abby isn't from there and this is like you know if she were to go to her family it would be like you know either ours or like states away you know or yeah and then be like oh I'd rather just like you know stay with you guys you seem cool whatever and then like you know maybe she hasn't seen these like different traditions you know like or maybe she's even like international and like has never seen you know like all of these different things like oh I've always wanted to go ice-gain or oh my gosh I've never decorated Christmas cookies you know like kind of like she just like you put in her foot in it and doesn't realize yeah which again is on Will as the person who brought her here to be like agreed hey like you know Wyatt I think Wyatt would be love to do something with you or even talk to Wyatt and be like hey do you mind like hanging out with Abby because we want to do a date yeah just like being honest saying this is sorry this is like a date that we planned yeah I feel like that's all um I told her she knew we had not seen each other in four months and yet kept inserting herself I told her to go back to her family for Christmas because she was not part of this family and never would be girl she cried and ran to the restroom Will got extremely mad at me and called me ridiculous and a jealous brat I am genuinely fed up this girl either wants my boyfriend or she has a major boundary problem either way I do not want to deal with it it was painfully awkward at my grandma's house because Will was still angry with me as time as time passed I found myself getting angry at him too he withheld information about getting close to another girl now that I have met her I am concerned because she seems unhealthily attached to Will and has not made much effort to spend time with Wyatt letting her come home for Christmas and into our reunion time feels extremely disrespectful to me I know for a fact that if the roles were reversed Will would be furious Christmas is in two days and I am not even excited anymore this was always my favorite holiday and now it feels ruined I texted Ian about Abby and he told me that she actually seemed closer to Wyatt than Will while they were actually while they were at college that just added to my confusion I honestly have no idea what is going on anymore so am I the ale for blowing up at her any advice on what to do now would be appreciated thank you and there is um there's a consensus that says it's Will's fault for not telling her Abby was coming he's also potentially cheating with Abby we there are some comments yeah I wouldn't go as so much as like it's like a cheating I'm not gonna assume that it's cheating because it's not like he's trying to not spend time with he's planning stuff and then Abby's like can I come can I come and it's you know sometimes people have a tough time being like no yeah um in which case what needs to happen here is you need to have a conversation you need to stop lashing out at Abby and taking your anger at her or at your boyfriend out on her I think you need to go to Will and say well we already said I feel like you haven't been putting up boundaries you've been letting your join out or dates and I really wanted to spend time with you um and yeah and I think you do need to apologize to Abby yeah I think definitely apologize to Abby OP because that wasn't cool you don't even know the situation that like you know she's going through or whatever like you know all you know is like oh she wanted to be with friends but you don't you know she could be lying she could have some other situation going on we don't know I don't want to assume yeah I don't I wouldn't want to assume either I just think that it's a hard situation but I don't think that anyone's trying to like hide anything it doesn't seem that way it seems like it's just she's lonely she doesn't have anyone to hang out with and she's just like you guys are doing fun things can I come yeah comments OP says I'll definitely talk with Will soon I think I need to calm down a bit first though writing this just made me more angry at him and the situation my mind definitely jumps to conclusions fast which definitely doesn't help my case this is what angered me the most I don't understand why neither of them told me since we're older than the normal age of starting college and he was going with his brother and best friend I honestly just assumed we wouldn't be trying to go out and make friends I honestly just assumed we wouldn't be trying to go out and make friends which I understand can sometimes happen naturally so I never really asked about it and I can't understand for the life of me why he couldn't just tell me I'm going to talk to him later about it for sure and there is an update hello everyone thank you so much for all the comments and advice since I'm going to be busy during Christmas I wanted to update this today now here is the update after two panic attacks and thinking way too much oh no I tried to calm myself down after a few hours I texted him and asked if he could come over so we could talk he arrived and instantly apologized to me for calling me a jealous brat he said I had every right to be annoyed and upset he just wished I was less harsh I apologized as well and said I was a bit too hard I told him I should have communicated better and thanks to all the advice I realize I definitely should have said something sooner rather than letting it all blow up he told me that he should communicate better as well in the future and we promised each other we would after that I immediately asked why he even kept his friendship with her a secret in the first place he told me that he told me that he knew I would be upset about his friendship with a girl and he did not want to tell me and make me worry while we were at different colleges that's a terrible reason yeah that is a terrible reason that's super sketchy yeah that's worse to just like not say anything yeah he's like well I knew you'd be upset so I didn't tell you like okay cool and now I'm upset that you didn't tell me so did it work out yeah did that go according to your plan well I'm not going to lie and say that would not have stressed me out a bit I still had a right to know my face must have shown that I was not happy with that excuse because he instantly apologized again and said he made a mistake and how he handled the whole situation he told me he genuinely does not have any feelings for her beyond friendship and that he would never cheat on me he told me his mom sat him down after I left and laid everything out for him she talked to him about how suspicious this must look to me how trust was broken and how he completely blindsided me he said that conversation really made him think about his actions he looked very genuine and even started to tear up will then told me that abby had asked why had a couple of weeks ago if she could come to their Christmas instead of spending it with her parents this year because she wanted to hang out with them and thought it would be fun will said Wyatt texted him about the idea as soon as she asked and that he immediately shut it down he told Wyatt it probably was not a good idea since I would not like it you showed me the text messages between him and Wyatt without me even asking however Wyatt told will that since it was the first time will and I have been a part before Christmas break we would probably be spending even more time alone together than normal he said it could be nice if will had a friend to spend some time with and will felt bad so he agreed what that will had a friend yeah wait what I would make it would make sense of Wyatt had a friend is yeah that's what I would think too but will now it's like hold on I asked him why he could not have just told me that from the very beginning but he said I thought but he said he thought I would understand that he was not the one who invited her I'm not going to lie that really pissed me off because what do you mean I obviously told him that was something we needed to work on when it came to communication and he agreed he said he had absolutely no idea that Abby would insist on intruding on her alone time together he also said he should have told her no after the second time she tried but he was too shocked and confused by her behavior to do anything because she never acted that way toward him at college this lined up with what Ian told me earlier that she seemed much closer to Wyatt I also asked Wyatt and Ian to confirm and they told me she never acted that way toward will at college at all will told me that he realized Abby must like him after she kept trying to include herself in our plans the third time and did not make much of an effort to hang out with Wyatt which was the entire reason she was invited okay so that must have been a typo earlier I think Wyatt was saying like I want a friend to hang out with me okay Wyatt also confirmed all of this on a call and told me he was surprised by her behavior the whole time he said he had tried to talk to her about it and she apparently said she did not mean any harm and just wanted to hang out with will as well which I'm not sure I really believe Wyatt also said that whenever he would ask if she wanted to go do something with him she would always say she wanted to stay inside and relax which girl you had no problem trying to go out with will and me when we left the house will told me that in the morning once we went back to his house he would tell Abby that it would be best for her to spend Christmas with her family he also said that once they get back to college it would be best if they all kept their distance Wyatt and Ian agreed to the same thing so she would not still be hanging around with that I will also be transferring to third college for the upcoming spring semester which was already planned before this whole incident it is not something they could be lying about since they know I will be living with them soon okay so it seemed like there was a lot of like lying going on yeah it seemed like everyone was kind of like beating around the bush and there was a lot of miscommunication on yeah who invited who and what people were doing and what plans there were and then it was like huh so and then also like you know Abby trying to be like well maybe I also like will and I'm gonna try to slip in there which is weird and go on but like I'm wondering how she was acting on these dates you know yeah me too like it's yeah I don't know I feel like third wheeling it's not fun yeah it's not like I want to go there just a third wheel like yeah I don't know like was she like touchy was she talking to him when she flirty what was she doing on these dates because I think that is a good indication on whether or not she was trying to flirt because before OP didn't even like bring it up that she was being flirty or anything so I feel like she wasn't she was just going on these things which is weird yeah I don't know if like she had like a plan in mind or something like not a very good plan or I have no idea but she's like I don't know the second that OP falls at ice skating I swoop in I'm like oh are you okay oh no and then he sees how nice I am so now it's done Abby did not take it particularly well and told us that she would back off if she could stay she's she also said it was not fair to make her leave the day before christmas eve but will remain firm which I appreciated I did apologize to her for being too harsh and she just nodded why it already drove Abby back home a few hours ago and a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders if he could drive her home she why is she complaining she could be she was close enough to be driven home yeah I mean he did say a few hours but no a few hours ago oh yeah it didn't even take no she was spending the whole christmas with y'all when she was like a drive away yeah when she was like 20 minutes away yeah that's weird I realize it is not the most thrilling update but I am glad we promised each other better communication because I can see that was something we were struggling with on both ends thank you again for the all the advice and comments I hope everyone is a merry christmas and happy holidays and if you do not celebrate I hope you have a great day as well and that's the end of that story hey it's Angie your favorite fake red head host here and we're going to get back to the stories but here's a three minute ad break from our sponsors I expected my girlfriend to care for me after an accident but she didn't sounds like that relationship was an accident I 32 male was in a serious car accident but I'll be able to leave the hospital soon the doctor said I won't have any permanent damage but I'll have to go through a long rehabilitation process to be able to walk normally again oh gosh horrible I'm sorry OP for at least the first few months I'll need help with basic things I'm relieved about the long outlook but the short-term reality feels overwhelming by the way this comes from a seaworthiness tall 375 and if you want to submit your own stories go to the r slash okay story time subreddit I am Savannah I'm Sophia and we are here to give some good advice goofily but obviously we don't have all the answers we would only tell you what we would know in this situation but we would love to know what you would do in the comments as OP says I've been in a relationship for five years with my girlfriend 30 but we don't live together when my mother came to visit me in the hospital she asked whether I wanted her to move into my place or whether my girlfriend would give me the support I need at the time I didn't think much about it because I assume the answer was obvious I thought my girlfriend and I would naturally take this step together talked to my girlfriend assuming she would move in with me for at least the six to eight months it will take for me to be able to take care of myself again she was very clear in saying that she would not move in and would not help me in the way I was expecting there was no hesitation or uncertainty in her response hearing that felt like the ground shifted under me her plan was to pay for a caregiver for me and visit so we could spend time together since I won't be able to go out for a while like we used to I should say that I'm not doing well with the idea of being so dependent on anyone still I had convinced myself that this experience could strengthen our relationship and bring this closer I thought facing something difficult together was part of what being a couple meant my father had a workplace accident when I was 12 and my memories of my mother taking care of him shaped part of my idea of love and devotion well yes but they were married yeah children it's a different that's a different situation yeah like I get it but like yes you that's a relationship where you should care yeah but like this one it's hard because you're not like married or like I don't know like five years is a long time it is and it I don't know yeah you can be upset that she is not willing to stay through it but also I think there is a measure of like not everyone is cut out yeah and maybe she couldn't handle it maybe like it's like too much on her like she's stressed out that maybe she'll do something wrong and make it something worse or you know like you don't want that resentment to build any relationship yeah it's like not equipped to be a caretaker and then they just have to be forced into that that's worse like yeah you don't want that watching her support him during that time left a deep impression on me that's what I was clinging to in order to cope with what I imagine will be a few very humiliating and difficult months I thought that kind of care was a natural expression of love yes and no it just really depends who you are like if you're not like the caregiver type then you're just not you know and some people aren't it was quite shocking to hear her say that she will take care of me just in her own way she explained that if I'm not okay with that then I should ask my mother to take care of me instead she didn't say it unkindly or angrily it was simply stated as a fact there are cultural factors as well I'm American and her family seems to have traveled half the world on her mother's side her great grandmother was Italian and emigrated to Brazil where she married a portuguese man on her father's side her grandfather was dutch emigrated to spain and married a spanish woman my girlfriend was born in brazil but lived for many years in france and in the uk we've already faced many cultural differences because of this and I don't know whether this is another case of that in any case there wasn't an argument it's hard to argue with her because she doesn't really argue at all she rarely loses her patience and is very articulate she simply laid out the options and told me to decide saying I'm unhappy would be an understatement what she proposed does make sense and that's what makes me question myself I can see the logic behind it and part of me understands her position at the same time I can't shake how hurt and disappointed I feel so am I the a-hole I don't I don't think anyone here yeah I don't think anyone here is an a-hole I think you have a right to feel frustrated that your partner is not taking care of you in the way that you expected or wanted everyone has like a different opinion of that obviously like you know you don't even know what the way is you know she said I'll take care of you but it might not be the way that you want yeah and like I don't know like it just it's really about like comfortability for the caregiver you know like also it may hurt hurt to see you in that pain you know like it's and I know like you know it's hard because you're actually going through the pain but like it's another thing for like someone to see it like I mean for example like my my mom had to see like both of her parents go through pain before they passed and it's like like obviously they felt they needed to but at times they would step away be like I can't see them like that you know it's just like there's things that you can handle and things you can't and it really could be any day like I can handle this today I feel good and the next day something happened it's like I can't even like this is way too hard for me you know consensus a-hole there are some notable comments comment uh number one I six I suspect you are feeling this way I six I suspect you are feeling this way because her idea of taking care of you contrast drastically with your romanticized slash idealized memory from your childhood you really expected for her or your mother to slave over you for six to eight months at your beck and call yeah you are definitely crossing the a-hole line do either of these ladies work outside the home your girlfriend is a keeper she knows her own limits knows what she will tolerate comes up with good plans and communicates very clearly and well um another commenter you are the a-hole caregiving is a massive responsibility and drain just because your mother did it doesn't mean anyone else on earth needs to do it particularly if there are resources and choices how selfish do you have to be update yesterday I posted about my dilemma with my girlfriend who said she would not take care of me during my rehab I was such an idiot that the post ended up being flagged as fake I had no idea my idealization sounded that absurd I read enough comments to realize that I am the a-hole in this situation I could not reply to everyone individually because there were too many comments and I did not want to overdo it while still recovering so I am going to answer the main questions and give an update here I loved my girlfriend I would do anything for her and I know she's the one we are not married because she does not want to be I thought about asking her to marry me in our first year together but she's not a big fan of surprises I also knew that if I made a big public proposal she would say no without hesitation even if she did want to get married I agree I don't want a big thing no I don't I don't feel so pressured no don't do it in front of people I want a party afterwards yes a party with friends family yes like people that I know but you don't do it in front of people no I wanted to be like intimate I want like just us we're I don't know walking into a cute area maybe it's an area that we've been to before has some sort of meaning to us and just like there it is like it doesn't have to be a whole show and whatever and then you're but they give us like I don't know honestly I'd prefer I'd prefer well maybe I don't know if it's all right for me like oh that that was my my friend did it for my brother was like they were like in the woods and like my friend was like I want that yeah and then I want to be driven to a party so she would say no without hesitation even if she did want to get married as you may have noticed she has very clear boundaries anyway she told me she was not interested in getting married that marriage meant nothing to her and that it would not make her more or less committed to a relationship she said that if it was important to me we could get married eventually I thought about it for a long time and obviously I was very upset because I had idolized buying a huge diamond her being very happy and showing it off to her friends I think OP just wants a traditional woman and clearly she is not a traditional woman yeah but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you no that's the thing OP is equating all of these things that are not traditional like homemaker happy wife happy life things with being a bad relationship when it's like it's like no she's just different yeah she's just not what you expected you know what you grew up with yeah but that doesn't make it bad or wrong yeah it's just like she's just different but in a good way you know I already knew that would not happen for reasons that would take too long to explain basically it was a stupid thought in more than one sense after thinking it through I came to the conclusion that I did not actually have a strong desire to get married I simply had this idea that the next step was marriage and that a woman expects a ring as for living together I suggested that too I expected her to move in with me during lockdown but she ended up having a friend stay with her who had no family and did not want to be alone she also brought her mother over from Brazil because her mother was kind was kind of a vid denier and this way my girlfriend had a bit more control over her mother's antics okay after the pandemic we talked about living together again she said she would be willing but that we would need to find another place and define some things like having separate bedrooms she likes having her own space organized her way she said that when she wanted to be alone she would spend a few days in a hotel which is what she did when her friend and her mother were living with her some of these things seem strange to me but nothing truly outrageous so I agreed we were looking for a place before my accident regarding my level of devotion on and whether I would be willing to do the same for her yes I would do anything for her one example is that I know she traveled a lot and lived in many countries and before the pandemic she never stayed more than six months in one place the pandemic took its toll and now she is not as excited about traveling and has no plans to move however I know this is not her natural state and that eventually she will want to move again maybe it would maybe it will be just to another city or maybe to another country I know it will happen sooner or later and I am ready to pack my bags and follow her if tomorrow she tells me she wants to move to China I will be looking for plane tickets and a new physical therapist as as for expecting her to drop everything to take care of me that is not what I expected I will not need that much help nor for that long I cannot do much physically and I need help getting around at least until I am well enough until I am well enough to use crutches I can take care of my personal hygiene on my own she works but she does not have to she has many projects and it is hard to keep up with how many things she does currently she runs a very successful SEO content agency and is developing a crypto project I know she has a lot of freedom because sometimes she spends several days watching Netflix and says she does not feel like working she has employees and basically leaves things to them and tells them to figure it out other days she is very busy has lots of online meetings which she hates and complains that none of her employees are competent in short I know she could balance work with taking care of me or simply not work at all and it would not affect her finances must be nice we have never combined our finances so I do not really know how much she makes or what her financial situation is like I always pay for everything we do together because I think it is my responsibility as a man and I am doing very well financially honestly I think she makes more money than I do she pays for a cousin's college tuition retired her mother at 40 and I know she also sends money to her grandma I did not really think through the logistics or what things would actually be like in practice as I said I had idolized the situation we do not have a big height difference but I probably weigh twice as much and she does that twice as much as she does it would certainly be very difficult for her to help lift me I did not ignore her offer to pay for a caregiver although I may not have seen it as a generous I may not have seen it as a generous gesture as many of you did I could pay for a caregiver myself and since my girlfriend is very detached from money I did not really see it as a sacrifice or a demonstration of love she has a cleaner and a cook according to her it is cheaper for her to work and pay people to do those things than to lose work hours cooking and cleaning the house fair that's lovely I would love that I mean we got a cleaner that's the and I can tell you that's nice yeah see I am the cleaner and so I couldn't tell you how it feels you you didn't you don't have to be I don't have to be I don't have you could have a cleaner too she also certainly does not want to do that in her free time for those who said she is selfish or does not care about me because she did not offer to take care of me the way I expected you are way off she is generous kind in the most understanding and empathetic person I know she is the type of person who when a waiter messes up her order will accept it so it does not get taken out of his paycheck she heard from some relatives that a distant cousin had dropped out of law school because she she could not afford it she immediately offered to pay her tuition how rich is this girl I know she gotta be rich but yeah she's like she's gotta she gotta home okay I was like cleaners are like honestly not that expensive if you like you know let's say you do it like once every two weeks it's not that crazy you have a a cost personal chefs are expensive personal chefs are expensive uh because you need them I'm like every day basically yeah you eat every day yeah she got a couple hours a day she's gotta be making money um yeah and also paying law school yeah that's not cheap not cheap not cheap at all dang you got a hottie from Brazil yeah don't let her go don't do it they had not spoken since childhood and she did not hesitate for a second to help her cousin achieve her dream last year was really hard for my brother he ended up sleeping on my couch for almost a year he got scammed and was left with a lot of debt oh he had to sell almost everything he owned and then lost a job a few weeks later he fell into depression and I honestly do not think he would have climbed out of that hole if it were not for my girlfriend she came over every day and played station with him for hours I was home but I had to work and could not give him that much attention I also did not know how to help sometimes they would just sit there in silence for hours and other times they would talk for hours when he stopped showering she told him his stink was messing up her game and that his wins did not count because he was cheating that's such a clever way to do it to bring humor into like you need to take care of yourself to use time that's so funny after a few invalid wins because of the smell he started showering again she managed to get him to eat even when he did not want to she cooked comfort foods especially desserts and at first my brother ate mostly out of politeness she helped him see that losing his job was not the end of the world because he hated that job anyway she also helped him accept that getting scammed had been a stupid mistake on his part and that it was normal because we all do things little by little he started getting back on his feet you went back to studying switched fields and got a job he actually likes she sounds amazing yeah this girl just sounds like she's most incredible yeah like she helps people out no matter what like well you know show people the bright side of things you know also has her boundaries like yeah this girl's a dream I also I think it you know her paying for a cook cleaner and stuff makes a little bit more sense of why she's saying you know like hey I'll help you but like we can afford to pay someone to do a lot of this caretaking yeah so let's utilize let's do that yeah so I kind of get where she's come from at one point he had a relapse and did not want to take the meds his psychiatrist prescribed my girlfriend told him she had given him the chance to heal on his own but that it was not optional anymore she said that if he did not take the medication himself she was going to treat him like her dogs and shove the pill down his throat I do not know if he believed her or just found it funny and ridiculous he is my younger brother but he is a huge gym guy so it was like a rabbit challenging a bear either way he took the meds and only stopped when the psychiatrist approved it in short she helped my brother climb out of a very deep hole I never asked her to do any of this she took the initiative and I could not be more grateful I never thought she was selfish and I could never think that my oh my irritation about the caregiver idea was not because I thought she did not care about me enough to help I think that covers the main questions I have seen so far I talked to my girlfriend and accepted the caregiver she suggested I should clarify that she did not just offer to pay for a caregiver she offered to organize everything related to my recovery this includes interviewing caretakers choosing the one she thinks is best organizing meals and groceries and arranging who will take me to rehab basically she is making it so I can just exist as an invalid being taken care of she also said she cannot commit to taking me to rehab at least for the first two months two weeks ago she signed a contract with a new client and does not know what her schedule will look like until everything runs without needing her because of that she also cannot promise she will see me every day she did say that if she gets too busy she could work from my place on some days I'm not completely happy but I have accepted that I am the a whole I am going to let things play out and see how it goes maybe I'll come back in a few months to say how the experience went yes she is too good for me I think ultimately she does have your best interest at heart it's not like she's trying to hurt anything or deny you with everything it's just you had a specific idea of something and she just didn't fit that no but that doesn't mean she's a bad person it just means you just had a lot of expectation yeah and are realizing oh this is not my parents relationship yeah my own relationship exactly and that's just and that's beautiful yeah and so a hot Brazilian lady who's taking care of you and your family and family yeah like whewy I mean she got her crap together good for her and good for you op you got a lucky one and that's the end of this story this is an I heart podcast guaranteed human