Carly Kane Returns

This is a headgum podcast. That reminds me, I got a tattoo last weekend and it was the most painful, it was like one of the most painful tattoos I've ever gotten. Where? I'm crying. Where'd you get it? Hartford, Connecticut. Sorry, on your body. So what's your problem, Carly? My problem with you or in general? We'll start in general and then work our way to me. In general my problem is with this heat and e-bikes right now. You e-bikes here? Yeah. They're not going in the docks. We talked about it, they're slowing down. They're slower and they won't go in the docks. And I've been having it three times, I've DM'd like with the guy on there, have you had to do that? What? Yeah. You're DM'ing with city bike? I'm DM'ing with city bike, I'm on there, I'm like, hey my bike isn't talking and they're like, okay give us a second and then you're waiting for about 10 minutes and they go, we're so sorry, you can leave the bike where it is. What? Yeah. I've never DM'd them. Well, it's like through the app, I'm not like on Instagram. Oh, well either way, I didn't even know you could talk to someone on there. I have so little faith in customer service now in general. Everything's gotten worse, nobody's good at customer service, no one cares, that I just don't even try anymore. When a service that I'm using goes wrong, I just go, I'm fucked. Have you ever worked in customer service? Yes, and I deeply cared and it was horrible. But I call so nice with a legitimate problem. When I tell you Verizon, Verizon is going to hell. Verizon is going to hell, you call these people and they go, yeah, I don't know, we might be able to send them out in four days but we're the only service provider in the area so stick it up your ass and deal with it. They don't care, everything's gotten so much worse. No, they're just hanging up, they're just hanging up out of nowhere. We fix your cushion, it's bothering me, it's like all the way off the couch. Oh yeah, should I take it off? No, just push it back. It just was bothering me because it's hanging all the way off, I worry about it. Are you comfortable? Yeah, I'm comfortable. I'm worried about you falling. Well, I used to do customer service and I would literally, I'd be giving therapy, people would be crying and I'd be listening. I'm saying when I did customer service, I really cared. What did you do customer service for? I did, well I worked in a restaurant for years which was different than customer service. I did, at my college, I did, what's it called when they, like foundation. I did like donations and requests and I fielded calls and then I worked, well I guess not and then before that I worked, I had reception at a senator's office. What senator Caleb? Claire McCaskill, shout out Claire. I worked, I interned, I was on the phones. So you were the one calling, you were outgoing calls? No, incoming. Incoming. Which I don't know if you can imagine the incoming calls at a Democratic senator's office in Missouri, but let me just tell you, I didn't get paid anything and I deserved a million dollars. And the craziest thing is people would call and they'd be like, that dumb bitch. And I'd be like, okay we're not gonna do that, is there something I can help you with? And they'd be like, that my social security checks aren't coming. And I'd be like, okay we can actually help you with that, can you give me, and then I'd ask for the information and then I'd give it to the senator, or I'd give it to my boss who would give it to the senator, and then she would like make some phone calls, make something happen, and then I would call and follow up and be like, hey did your social security checks start coming? And they'd be like, yeah. But I'm still not voting for that bitch, you know? And I'd be like, geez, Christ, this system is not working. Mine was for a literal pharma company. Yeah. Same same, yeah. Senator pharma company at this point, what's the difference? Yeah, absolutely. I don't have people calling like looking for their medication, so as you can imagine, I was screaming, crying, you know what I mean? And then I would help them get their medication for cheaper, same thing. I'd call them back and be like, so the medication are working and it's like, you only gave me 50% off, I want 75, and my daughter wants it too. Yeah, well. Like it was like, well, it's like, I don't think she's prescribed that. Yeah, doesn't matter. They're like, prescribed my daughter the medicine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not a doctor. She's sick, she doesn't have high cholesterol, you know? Yeah, yeah. That's really beautiful. Do you have any fun stories from New York customer service, any good stories? Was anyone really nice to you or no, not really? Some people were really nice, you know, a couple people prayed for me. I think most of my crazy stories were from working in a restaurant. Of course. I was thinking about this the other day, like I was so, I remember I had the table of two guys and you know, it was like a woman when two guys are gay, you're flirting. You know what I mean? You're really like, I thought these guys, they were two like gay guys. Sorry. Sorry, you flirt with other gay guys? Don't even give me this Caleb, because the minute I try to flirt with you, you're like, boundary, you're like, don't touch me. I'm like tickle, tickle, tickle, and you're like, if you ever do that again, we're gonna have issues. You touch a lot. No, I've pulled that. And you do it when I'm vulnerable. No, I have pulled back a lot. You do unwanted touch to me when I'm vulnerable. Wait, can I tell the story? What happened in the coffee shop? You get me high and then you're like touching my inner thigh and I'm like, Carly. That's absolutely untrue. The only kind of vulnerable touch I give, can I say what happened in the coffee shop when you were being vulnerable? So we're in a coffee shop and I'm checking in with Caleb. I remember this. We might have to cut this. What was it? And Caleb's being vulnerable, which is sometimes like hard to get you to do that. And you're just like, I'm like, how are you doing? And you're like, honestly, like I just haven't gotten any rest. Like, you know, I'm grateful for everything I'm working on, but I'm starting to feel like a shelf myself and I kind of like grab out and touch your hand and then a guy comes over to you and he's like, I'm a huge fan. Oh my God, wait, where was that? I remember this now. That coffee shop that like doesn't have coffee. Wait, wait, where was this? I remember this. I was like, right by your apartment. I don't want to talk to you. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand. Yeah. Oh, yes. No, it really was a very funny moment because you were like, I was being, you know, I'm was being uncharacteristically like raw and you're like, how are you? And I was like, honestly, like I feel sometimes like more of an idea than a person lately and I'm really grateful for everything, but like, I just, I'm having a hard time balancing it all and truly I'm in the middle of that and the guy comes over and he's, he's like, he's like, I fucking love your stuff. I was like, thanks man. And then I turned back to Carly and I was like, well, now I feel insane for saying that because he probably heard me say that and still chose to step over. Well, he still chose to step over and it was like, I was holding your like a light, like just like a two finger touch. Yeah, you were doing it. You know what I mean? So it's like clear. Yeah. No, it's just, it's not that it's more when you like get me vulnerable, you'll like drug me up. You'll be like, you'll be like, you'll be like, let's smoke a J and then we'll smoke and you'll be like touching. No, it's not. It's more like emotional touching. I'm like, what are your like dreams and do you believe in God? I don't know what emotion is conjured by like rubbing my inner thigh. There's no rubbing of your inner thigh. I think it's because I'm touching parts of your brain and I'm reaching out for parts of your brain. I'm saying, Hey, tell me about your childhood. Yeah. And you take that as an inner thigh touch. No, I think it's more like you're like, are you high yet? And I go, yeah. And you go, nice. No. And I go, Carly. Well, but then you'll come in with a surprise touch. Yeah. Why try to give you what you want. And you'll kind of come in with like a behind hug, a behind hug and lift. Yeah. And it's like, I'm a woman on the street, you know? Well, all my girls are really touched, starved and insane. I have a type. I have a type. My type is lesbians that are touched, starved, feral and insane. And so sometimes it's hard because I'll be like, I'll be like, Hey, babe, and I'll give like a kiss on the forehead and they'll be like, huh. Fuck. Sorry. It's just been so long. And I'm like, Oh my God. You know, I just, I couldn't possibly imagine that that was going to happen, you know? So you feel like you're just getting enough touch in your life that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can't fully relate. Yeah, I understand. Maybe. Yeah, you have a point. Yeah. You know, I'm having a lot of fun with during this episode already is I have no shoes on for maybe the first time ever at a podcast and I'm clutching the mic cord in my toes. That was actually, that reminds me. I got a tattoo last weekend and it was the most painful. It was like one of the most painful tattoos I've ever gotten. I'm crying. Where'd you get it? Hartford, Connecticut. Sorry, on your body. No, so I'm actually wondering about the pain and where it's at in your body. Yeah, my shin. Oh, really? Stick and poke. Oh. And shoeless, you know what I mean? Until my feet are like in their face. Oh, I remember the tattoo now. Yeah. You showed it to me. I mean, my feet are like in their face, which already feels bad. You know what I mean? But then at one point they're laughing, they're cracking up and I'm crying because I'm in so much pain. I'm trying to hide it. And I'm like, what's going on? And they're like, look at your right foot. And my foot that wasn't being tattooed, I had clawed up all of the plastic on the thing. All of it. And they were like, are you okay? Like, do you want to take a walk? Yeah. I was like. Yeah. I, I, it looked when I saw it, it looked like it might have been painful because when you told me what tattoo you were going to get, I didn't know if you'd get it filled in or not. But a swastika doesn't really look right when it's not completely filled in with ink. So I think you made the right call. You make me sick. Come on. The idea of you. Sorry, but the idea of a swastika shin tattoo is pretty funny. Well, let's talk about it. No, not me. Pardon? I had a friend in college. You know how there's a Buddhist symbol that is the same? Yeah, fuck. The same as the swastika, you know, and a lot of girls in college that are doing a lot of acid and at EDM festivals, they don't really know a lot about history. You know what I mean? And they love ripping off from other cultures. So this bitch literally got like a swastika tattoo and we had to be like, hey, Rachel. Where'd she get it? Come on, man. Come on. Hey, Rachel, you're also Catholic. You're not even Buddhist at all. Funny. That is really funny. That's like the number of people that get like any Mandarin tattooed on their body. Yeah. And they have no clue. They have no clue what it means. They've never been over there. They don't really know. I know. And they're like, it means love. I'm like, I will have to take your word for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it definitely doesn't. Yeah. What language would you do? You don't speak another language, right? No. What would you pick if you could just instantly know one? Spanish. Really? Yeah. I think that's a silly one to pick because... What would you pick? Oh, because it's not that hard to learn. Because it's like, you could probably, it's so close to ours that with enough work. Well, I say that, but I was in Spanish class for a long time and I couldn't retain it to save my life. That's a thing. I'm not good with language. What languages do you pick? Mandarin. Oh, man. Because I think it would be really hard to learn and it would be really, I think it's really, do you know those videos where it's like white boy stuns with Mandarin at Chinese restaurant? I'd love to star in one of those. But I do fear you... And the Chinese people at the restaurant are like, what the fuck? I know, but I do kind of fear you'd still give like white dad at a restaurant pie. For sure. Like your accent wouldn't be right. For sure it wouldn't, but no, but it would in this world because... Because... When a white guy tries to stun with Spanish at a Mexican restaurant, they're like, it just never feels right. It's always giving like Brad Pitt and Inchorius bastards, you know? But that's how it, you know? But when a white guy stuns with Chinese at the Chinese restaurant, those videos really speak to me. Well, I think we can make this happen for you. What's going to happen, what we're going to do? Yeah. We're going to get you hit by a FedEx truck because one, they pay out two million. Hold on. Here, hear me out. Before you go on, because I am allowed to have questions on my show. What do you mean the FedEx truck pays out two million? This feels like, do you remember in college when someone was like, if your roommate fucks themselves in the dorm, you get free tuition? And then people were being like, kind of, my roommate fucks themselves. You know, like this feels like one of those things that everyone just decided is true. A guy on Rockaway Beach told me. Right, so you can understand where I'm coming from. Well, he was severely injured and he was like, my next move is I'm going to get hit by a FedEx truck because I've done a lot of research and... My next move? Y'all, watch this space. As soon as I find a FedEx truck, who's driving while texting, we're going to fucking make it happen. Well, we're going to do that. And then what happens is a lot of times when people get in these accidents, but they survive, they wake up, they can speak another language. I forget what it's called. Hmm. Haven't you, haven't you heard of this? I have heard this. It feels like something you wouldn't believe in, even though there's like scientific proof. I do. What you're not going to do is what you just tried to do. What you're not going to do is what you just tried to do because you are a member of the cohort of lesbians in my life who often try to... When I tell you, I'm just going to talk about this and we can cut it if you want. Carly's been bent out of shape for months because another one of our psychotic lesbian friends came to her house and said, I feel a ghost in this house and I think it's your grandpa. Okay. Carly believes that and is truly being like, yeah, sorry, I couldn't sleep last night. Like grandpa was wrestling in the space. Grandpa is wrestling in the space, Kayla. So note the earnestness. And then I get in trouble for being like, that's that shit and stupid. Well, no, well, you gave in a little bit because what happened was... No, I didn't, by the way. Well, no, you made a funny joke that made me think, oh, maybe we're on the right track because there is a ghost in my apartment and maybe I'm wrong. God forbid. Things are turning on in this room, in this little weird room, this haunted room in the back space. Sometimes I step back there, I start to cry. My cat stares into it and... You have depression and you live in an old building. Like it's just not... The lights flickering and you crying is not a ghost. You need to stay on your meds and you need to move into an nicer place. I'm sorry. That's just the reality of the situation. Well, you're not going to like this, but there were markings on the wall. What? Yes. What do you mean marking? I haven't really talked about it yet because I... That's mold. You have black mold depression. Stop. And I will say, I will just say, here's the thing. Things start getting a little creepy back there right after I go through some kind of breakup and you said, maybe this ghost is trying to fuck you, which if it is my grandpa, there's a lot to unpack. There's obviously such a complicated situation if your grandpa as a ghost is trying to fuck you. Of course. But if he is, Poppy was a really good guy. Okay. Well, he's different now. He's a ghost now. Who knows if your values change? Maybe they know something we don't know. Well, apparently he has a message. Wait, Carly, I have something really sad to bring up. What? What if the only way he can move on is if he fucks you? To the outer world? What if Poppy's a really good guy but he can't leave purgatory until he fucks his granddaughter? Isn't that sad? I don't want that to be the truth either. I would hate that universe, but golly. Well, it kind of feels like one of those things of like, can you have sex in front of your pet? Like, can you really fuck a ghost? Like, you know what I mean? What kind of are the morals of that? I don't want to fuck my grandpa ghost, but it's like, what even does sex with a ghost look like? It might just be him passing through me. Which I frankly have felt. What? I felt the chill down the spine. See, this is kind of shit. I try so hard. I'm like, I don't want to be negative towards you. In the comments, in the comments, have you seen a ghost? In the comments. I love you so much, but sometimes you say things like this and it's like very hard for me. I want to obviously, I always support you and I love you so much, but then you're like, I felt my grandpa pass through me. I'm like, come on. I mean, I could be wrong. I'm not like, I'm up for nuance. I'm always down to be wrong. And there's a little part of me that's like, I think we've lost a lot of spiritualism and we live in this materialistic world and it's like, let's bring it back. Yeah. You're not going to sell me on me being materialistic because I don't believe that your grandpa is haunting your set, your spare room. I don't think that's me, like, loving out the iPhone. I think, I think I just don't, I just don't feel that. Well, okay, even if it's not my grandpa, it's like people are seeing things every day. Yeah. Shit is, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, it's weird. Yeah, totally. I'm so sorry. I understand. Have you ever, I feel like you like, to me, you give like, you saw a ghost when you were eight and you've shut it out so completely and it's something you've never talked about. I think I'm an adult who lives in the real world and I don't, look, maybe goes surreal. I don't know. I guess it's possible. I just don't ever, no one's story has ever compelled me. Everyone's story is like, you know, they were, they were wearing work wear from the 18th century and they passed me in the hall at my college dorm and I'm like, I don't know. I just feel like it was dark and you were a little scared. I know. I do think it's interesting that like ghost sightings always seem to be like children or women from like a colonial period. You know, like, I don't really know what that means. It's always dated. Yeah. It's never like, it's never like a fun gay guy. I would be really compelled actually if what I found out about ghosts is that they can't move on until they fuck someone they should. You know, it's like, you have to fuck that person you had a will they won't they with at your job or you can't move on. That would be really compelling about ghosts. Otherwise, I'm just like, yeah, I don't like also it's a sad thing to believe in people think it's cool, but they're like, yeah, there's a ghost of a child in this house because it used to be a paper mill and he died working on the paper. It's like, that sucks. No, it does suck. I don't think it's like fun. I hate that he's here. I'm not like obsessed with it. I feel like people are going to be mean to me in the comments because I don't believe in ghosts, but it's my true. You're like, you also have a schizophrenic girl on your podcast. You're not schizophrenic. And I can just say that because it runs in my family. You're not schizophrenic. You're not schizophrenic. You have other stuff. Do you think you're schizophrenic? No, no, no, I don't. Nice. But my family is there. One of my biggest fears is that I will lose my sanity. Do you know, like that I will like lose my like my sound mind. Totally like a psychosis moment. Yeah, that I'll like snap and be like, not snap like I hurt people, but snap like I'm just like never the same mentally. You were one of the few people. No, no, no, no, it's kind of a compliment. You were one of the few people. Let's be sure before we say it. You're one of the few people like in my life that like if you did have psychosis, you'd be like, and that's enough of that. Like you could snap yourself out of psychosis. You think? That's really beautiful. Carly, you would 100% be like, you know what I mean? Like you would look in the mirror and be like, we're done with this. Yeah, that's nice. Thank you. That's really nice. I'd like to believe that. You want to talk about your breakup or not really? Wait, wait, Maddie, our friend Maddie was over at my apartment the other night and we had smoked weed and I got a spin in Jerry's and we had smoked weed and we were like eating a little bit of ice cream and I, I was a kind of high that I was feeling like more blunt than usual, which is pretty obviously blunt. And I was trying to come up with something to talk about because I didn't, we were just like kind of sitting and watching TV. And I go so I was not trying to be funny. I genuinely this is what my brain came up with. I go so you're single and you're unemployed. That's like what my brain told me to say out loud to have a conversation and she she was also high and she goes wait what? No, that's diabolical. It was awesome. It was a good conversation. So it was really powerful. Yeah, more people should say things like that out loud. Well, we do need to fly a kite. I think that'll we have been talking about flying. I do think that will like free something for both of us. I think if you and I actually we should make time to go to Prospect Park soon and fly a kite. I completely agree. I will chance. Will you buy me a kite? I want like a really big extra one. Yeah, I want like I want it to be like I want people to see us in the park and go like where the fuck did they get that kite? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we put like advertisements on it or something like a blimp at the beach? I don't need this to be business personally, but if you would like it to be I'm also single and unemployed, you know. Yeah, shout out. I'm hiring an assistant. Do you want to be my assistant? I think that's a really bad idea. I thought about hiring Anna our good friend Anna, but I'm like, I think that would destroy both of us. I think it's like difficult with friends. Like I think I would be good at it. Yeah, or you'd kill it. But I think that you wouldn't like. What if I was your assistant, I'd want more physical touch. That's 100% not going to happen. That's an inappropriate thing to ask your boss. Exactly. I don't think it would work. Yeah, I think we wouldn't have good boundaries. I'm what's your biggest concern with me being your assistant? Be honest. I can handle it. Genuinely that it would affect our friendship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Other than that, probably you saying that we would be bad at boundaries when I'm really good at them. You sort of still not understanding that the boundary issue here is kind of on your side of the court. Yeah, and that's yeah, then I'm actually chilling on the boundaries. I actually say like, Hey, I don't know if you're going to get chills when we touch. I'm going to put a moratorium on that. No, I love our friendship. I think it's beautiful. I wouldn't change it. No, I love our friendship. For real. No, I feel the same. Straight up. And then other than that, my you being my assistant, well, what would be your biggest concern about me being your assistant? Like if roles were reversed and you were going to hire me to be your assistant, what would be your biggest concern? I wouldn't have enough for you to do. Is it my whole attitude? No, no, I wouldn't have enough for you to do. You'd be working two hours a week. But you'd pay me full time. No, I'd pay you in like, like it would be sort of a barter trade system. I wouldn't. That's not right. That's what I'm saying. If you couldn't be able to pay you'd be more like, hey, like, let me give you a foot massage or like, I'll roll you a joint. If you can work on my calendar. I'd love for you to roll me a joint. Okay, let's. Okay, hold on. Can we exist in a world where you do have enough money to pay me properly? Yeah. What do you think would be my biggest downfall as an assistant? And I was an assistant at one point. Keep in mind. I think your biggest downfall as an assistant is like, you would almost be too good at it. That you would just be like, you like wouldn't be having it. You'd just be like, I'm not. You also don't like lines. You don't like a line. No, the lines really make me angry. So you're not going to, you're not going to, you would go and be like, can you get me a coffee? And you'd be like, you'd come back and you'd be like, it's not happening today. There was a line. The line was too long. I wonder if I have the phone number of it. You know, I was an assistant in Chicago. I didn't know that. Oh yeah, I worked as an administrative assistant for years. Oh, was that when you were at the office and you were in the front desk? Yes, I worked at that one. And you were the office manager? I wonder if I could get ahold of someone from my old job right now to say what the worst thing about me as an assistant was. I think it could. What was wrong at your last, your restaurant job? Why were you hated? I was just drunk all the time and I'd eat all the food. I'd like, I'd empty a plate and it would have, you know, people would not eat their fries and I'd empty them into my server thing and I'd go to the bathroom and I'd eat them. Yeah. And it became like such a problem. They had to be like, Hey. And then I got one of the bussers. He would get me free food from the kitchen as long as he could watch me eat it. I'm sorry. What? I was eating a lot and he was watching. That's really, I mean, it's exactly what it sounds like. He'd be like, here's some chili chilies and I'm just going to not blank and watch you eat this. And I said, all right, that's fine with me. I'm hungry. So he would get you chili chilies only so he could watch you eat it. He said, I'll get it free for free. I just want to watch you eat this. That's kind of, oh, wait, I've remembered to have one of their phone numbers. I want to come back to that, by the way. I'm sorry. I did get really sidetracked on. I think this will be really interesting. I wonder if she'll answer. Hey, Jenny, it's Caleb Herron. How you doing? Hey, I'm on a podcast right now and I'll text you later to make sure you're okay with this, but I wanted to ask you, we were, I'm on this podcast with my friend and we were talking about when I was an assistant and how bad I was at the job. How? What do you think was the like? Obviously I was bad at being an assistant, but like how bad was I and what do you think the worst part was? I just found, you know how we would send letters to people we were going to do interviews with? We had to send them an email that, you know, to the client, we'd send an email and we'd give them like a script of what we were going to be talking to their staff about. Yeah. I found a letter that you had written and sent to me to proof it before you sent it off and it was literally redlined from top to bottom. Except for, it said respectfully Caleb Herron and that was, it's not redlined. That is so funny. I was so bad at that job. I wish I could call, you're the, you're the, go ahead. Oh, I was going to say, I actually just sent that to a colleague of mine who loves your podcast and... Wait, Jenny. ...we believe. Jenny, you're sending, you're sending out my bad work to people that are fans of mine? No, I said, don't you ever send this to someone if I see this on Instagram and I get sued and Caleb never talks to me again. That is so funny. I really don't know about you. Well, you're one of the nicer people that I worked with. I wish I had like somebody who really didn't like me's number because that would have been really interesting, but you're too sweet. You're just like, that's a sweet example. I really was bad at that job. Also, I would like to tell you that I was, I didn't believe that this was actually you calling me and I am like on vacation and goes to a week right now. I'm sitting next to me and it was like, no answer. I'm going to tell you. Okay. I'm going to let you go and I'm going to text you later, but thank you so much for answering. Okay, bye Caleb. Bye. I'm dead. What did she just say? She said she's on vacation in Costa Rica. She goes, she goes, I didn't think it was actually you calling me. I'm on vacation in Costa Rica and my husband said, answer it. It might be him. That is so funny. She was one of the nicer ones though. Jenny, I liked her. She liked me and I liked her and I don't think she cared that I was so bad at the job. But there's one or two people that I worked for that I, I wish I could get a hold of them because they hated me and they were right. I was so bad at the job, but they couldn't fire me because I was a, I basically what I did was I, I used my personality as a weapon to get like three or four influential people on my side. And then I would be really bad at my job, but they would keep me around because I was fun. Personality higher. Truly. And in a way that was like, I knew who I could piss off and who I couldn't. So did you use that to your advantage? Obviously. It was a job that I didn't believe in or respect and I didn't want to be there. So I was like, I quit that one. I quit that one because I, well, hilariously in January of 2020, I had just gotten managers and I quit to be a full-time comedian. And then I ended up driving for Uber Eats for seven months because there was number one, no jobs. I don't know what I was thinking. And number two, then COVID. Did you like that job? I feel like you hated that Uber Eats. I actually really enjoyed being left alone and making my own decisions. Like being like, this is when I'm going to work. This is what I'm going to do. But no people, rich people don't tip. Yeah. And that was the thing that made me the most mad is I was like, what do you mean you ordered $500 of sushi and you gave me a $3 tip? No, it's really actually. It's raining, snowing. I'm double parked in downtown Chicago. I'm getting tickets. I'm getting yelled at. Meanwhile, poor people on like a $10 McDonald's order are being like, here's $3. I'm sorry. I don't have more. It's so true. It's so true. Anyway, this guy would give you food to watch you eat it. Yeah, it was a crazy restaurant, but I'm still friends with a lot of people that work there, but I was just, I was known for just how much I would eat. Like it was like a big thing. And then I just had to cut corners. I was like, I have to be getting food during the shift. I can't not eat. And one of the busters was like, all right, here's the deal. I'll get you free food from the kitchen, but I just want to watch you eat it. Did it feel sexual? I'm sure it absolutely. Cause of course I can't, I'm sorry. I can't escape that being the kind of context of it all. I mean, absolutely. I'm sure that's what it was, but I just didn't make eye contact, you know? Yeah. That might have done more for him. I'm worried. He was he doing anything? No, I'm blinking, but. Okay. That's one of the scarier things I've ever heard for real. I hate that that happened around you. I mean, that was one of the craziest places I've ever worked. Yeah. I mean, I worked at Applebee's in Golden Corral. And once the most memorable story to me about working at Golden Corral was that I was like 16 working at Golden Corral and I would get scheduled for like all kinds of crazy shifts, but the craziest one was the 4am, uh, breakfast shift because we had a breakfast buffet and I would get scheduled to. I didn't know Golden Corral did breakfast. Yeah. I don't know if all of them do, but ours certainly did. And it would be Saturdays and Sundays. I'd have to get there at 4am to prep the omelette bar and then I'd run the omelette bar. And I remember I had told my boss. This, this guy that I didn't fucking like this guy. He was a tool. Probably still is. Um, I told him I can't work this Saturday, uh, this certain Saturday because it's homecoming and I'm on homecoming court and I have, I have to like go do all the stuff and I won't be able to come in and do the omelette bar. You have to schedule someone else. Maybe one of the 15, 40 year olds who work here and this is their career. And he, I got the schedule, like you get an email with your schedule, you know, and it has me scheduled omelette bar Saturday morning of homecoming. And so I text him and I go, Hey Kevin, uh, I think I told you this, but I can't work that shift because I have homecoming and I'm on the court and it's, I have a bunch of stuff going on that weekend. And he calls me and he goes, he goes, Caleb, this Kevin. And I go, yeah, I know. Did you get my text? And he goes, don't you ever in your life tell an employer what you can and can't do the tone that you took with me. I will fire your ass. So like really like yelled at me. And I was like, I can't work that day. And he's like, didn't you have to get it covered? And I was like, I might have, I'm like, does he know that I'm 16? Like, did he forget that? I think he's talking to a child. And I remember I did get it covered, but I was like, this guy is insane. Almost every restaurant manager has some of the most, uh, disease, mental illness I've ever experienced in my life. I mean, I worked it out back at 16 and I had a bunch of nose piercings. And they made me cover it up with like multiple band aids. So people would walk in on the host and they're like, you know, it looks like I got a nose drop. They're like, oh, sorry. She's not alternative. She has lesions. It's not what it looks like. I promise. He was like one of the big ones that would cover both. And they, and they just like, they just didn't, you know, I wasn't good at the job. So anytime like a kid shit all over the bathroom, they'd be like, get in there. You know, I was the girl that just like cleaned up the shit. Yeah. And then we had a regular who was blind and she would bring her dog. Like that. Listening. Okay. Um, she would bring her dog in until we go down and we pet the dog. And oftentimes then there was a time where she started petting me. Uh huh. She didn't, she thought I was the dog. I'm bent down on petting her dog. She thinks I'm the dog. She's like kind of petting, petting my head and I'm kind of looking at my manager and he's like, stay, like stay down there until she's done. So I'm bandaged up, I'm bandaged up, getting pet. There's no chance that she thought you were the dog just so you know. There's no chance that this person who's other sentences are heightened and touches that dog every day thought you were the dog. I think feel the top of my head. No, it's not giving dog. And I think she really just wanted to tell. The new LinkedIn hiring pro can't undo your last hire, the lone wolf, who you thought was a good collaborator because you didn't have the right candidate insights. But once you hired them, it was all hoarding info, declining meetings and howling at the full moon. But LinkedIn hiring pro can find you a perfect fit by using insights from the LinkedIn network to give you a short list of the best fit candidates. hire right the first time with LinkedIn hiring pro. Post your first job today and get 100 pounds off at LinkedIn.com slash AI hire terms and conditions apply. But you can be perverts. We don't know if she was, but she might have been having some really like fucked up experiences at restaurants. Yeah. Your manager telling you to stay down there is also crazy. Yeah. Yeah. My manager at Applebee's was going through a breakup for like five months. Like they were on again off again. She didn't want him, whatever. And he got objectively worse during that period. And every night when we were closing, he would at this point I'm 17 1617 he would play. I'll be by Edwin McKinnon and like barely not cry and make us clean in a way where I've never cleaned before. He'd be like we have to do it for opening crew and I'd be like this is about something else. Please I have school in the morning. Let me go home. But he would play and I just I'll be blaring through the Applebee's while I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing tile that's like behind a booth. No one will ever see it. I was like this is so insane. I can't believe I have to do this. Well, like, yeah, restaurant romance is really deeply affect the entire place. When I was in college, I worked at this like fancy Italian restaurant. I was the host and I was dating the busser who was like 27 and I'm 19. You know what I mean? Of course. He cheats on me with one of the servers that's working there. Yeah. He had no choice. Yeah, he gives me Chlamydia. Of course. Yeah. So he has Chlamydia. I have Chlamydia. The server gave him Chlamydia. She was also fucking our manager who had Chlamydia. Yeah. So there was literally a week where every level of service had Chlamydia. Yeah, of course. Like we were all just like it's just what it's like when you're working down on that. It was like such a disaster. Like we were all just like and I stayed with him. You know, I'm gonna have bloomin onions while you have like the itchiest pussy ever. Sorry guys. Sorry if I'm being weird y'all. Here's your bloomin onion. I have Chlamydia that I got from the whole staff. Yeah, yeah, your server has Chlamydia too. The manager that's checking in on you also has Chlamydia. We all have Chlamydia. The guy that's cleaning your table also has Chlamydia. Do you want to add shrimp to that steak? We all have Chlamydia just so you know. We all had to take like a couple of days off at different, slightly different asperatic periods and it's like I had strep throw. You know what I mean? The manager had like Swimmers year. Sorry everybody. I know we all have Chlamydia, but mine's actually tennis elbow and I'm off for the week. That's so funny. Did you ever fuck at employee at a restaurant? Did you ever have like a love affair? No, there were no gay people where I grew up. Yeah. So they were there. They just I wasn't privileged enough to be getting Chlamydia at the Outback. Yeah, well at the time I was you know fucking guys. So we also didn't have an Outback. That was considered a fancy restaurant where I grew up. Outback was like a city restaurant. It's like you got to go to the city if you want Outback. Interesting. Applebee's was the nicest restaurant in our town and I'm not kidding. People came for like Sunday after church meals. Yeah. The Applebee's. It was the nicest joint town. Applebee's does hold up. The hot price appetizers have gotten me through many challenging periods in my life. Many challenging periods in my life. I am alive today at least in some part because of hot price appetizers at Applebee's and they can clip that run that Applebee's. Hi Applebee's I'm only alive at this point in my life because during multiple times when I was too broke to live you gave me chicken wings for three dollars. Thank you Applebee's. What? Thank you Applebee's. Thank you Applebee's shout out for real and I when I worked there I would get the most insane shift meals. I'd be I'd like I'd like take it by bringing Tupperware and be like throw some extra stuff in there for me. I need to take this home and the cooks would be like alright man whatever. What was your favorite thing to get? I would get a French onion soup. I would get a piping hot cauldron of French onion soup and then I would get they had this like hot bacon vinaigrette salad. That I really like. Like they heated up the dressing before they put it on your salad. Not the lettuce though please. No the lettuce wasn't heated but it didn't matter because the sauce was so hot. Do you remember smoking sections? No. The same age right? I really don't think we yeah but I really don't think we had any in my hometown. I think they were gone by the time I was like at restaurants. We had them at our pizzeria uno. Really? I think that's a Philly that's like an east coast thing though. Really? Well nothing Midwest doesn't have them but I just we didn't have enough restaurants and Applebee's was so corporate that I feel like it was already beaten out of there. Yeah. This is probably a local joint right? Yeah. Were your parents sitting in the smoking section or no? No no I think my mom smoked cigarettes but she quit before I was born. Whoa. You smoke? No. You're a big cigarette head. No I'm not. I smoke them when I'm going through something. Maybe you're going through something a lot. Yeah but in fairness. Yeah in fairness that's true but I haven't smoked a cigarette in like a week. That's really nice. I don't want to be like known as a smoker. Like I'm not a smoker. It's just like kind of like I don't know there's something about you're just like. No it's objectively cool to see someone do it. Kissing a smoker it feels like prison. Yeah no I don't consider myself a smoker it's more like a flare up. I understand when people are like I don't want to date a smoker or like kiss a smoker like it is absolutely disgusting. It's too bad because you can really be so hot while you're smoking cigarettes and then you can really the taste of your mouth can be one of the most daunting things that anyone's ever experienced. Yeah if I like ever smoke a cigarette it's like I'm never like kissing someone or anything. Yeah well you don't smoke them enough I think to have like permanent smokers mouth. Yeah no no no no. But there is God there's nothing like a cigarette sometimes. I've never smoked one. I know and I don't want you ever to. Really? Yeah don't. I bet a lot of people listening right now want me to smoke one. No I don't think you'd like it and you'd hold it wrong. What the fuck? That was so mean Kar. Why did you say that? Because it's just like I just like know you and I just. You hold it like this don't you? No it's two hands it's two hands. No you need both hands a finger from each. Kind of like a recorder. Like you're like I'm playing a piccolo yeah. No I'd hold it right. I think you would get really nervous and you wouldn't want to seem like you were nervous so you would hold it a little weird. Or you'd use like your back two fingers. Yeah I'd use what? You'd use like your back two fingers. Yeah yeah yeah. I'm fucking Mr. Bean. No you do. I'm a calm like I'm a foolish idiot. And you would like you would take a couple of drags and you'd like you'd do a little bit and then you'd be like this is disgusting. I need to throw it. I think I'd be really good at smoking cigarettes and for someone who doesn't want me to try it you're awfully convincing me to do it. You negging me into becoming a smoker? I think I'd be really good at it and I think I'd look really hot. You would look hot but you'd be holding it weird. If I had better style, if I had like better personal style. You have great personal style. No if I had better personal style. I feel like we have to go back to that what's going on. Like I'm wearing this polo. It was $7 from Old Navy like 10 years ago. It does not look good. Vintage? No. I really appreciate you but like it does not look good. These jeans are ugly. Like they're tailored which is a little nicer but like I just don't I'm not I'm not here's where it is. I don't want someone else's style. I think I everything I do is cool because I am cool and I'm doing it cool. Yeah. But I do think objectively I'm not capable of looking carefree in fashion. Do you know? Like this doesn't look carefree. It looks careless. Yeah. I don't think I'm very carefree either. My button is my fly is down. I think you look really carefree. Do you know what I mean though? Like a cool person who looks like they're like leaned up against a car smoking a cigarette and they're dressed in a way that's like I do know that you care about that outfit but you do feel carefree in it. If I put on exactly what you mean. Capital A, capital O and outfit. It feels like God that guy is like going somewhere. You know? No I have the same thing. It's like I can't pull off like effortless. I'm the same way. I'm not too effortless but I also think like the more I just don't have enough time. Like I don't I don't I like to feel good and like look good but I'm just like I don't like I don't know what a designer I'm just like how do people have the time. Like I just don't really care about clothes. I wish I cared more but I don't. Yeah. I'm I'm was just doing a fitting for a job that has is like a very like has a very fashiony thing and I can't say any of the designer brands and I found myself getting really insecure. You didn't know them? Well yeah that they were that they I have this like fabulous old gay stylist this like queen that I'm obsessed with and he's like and he's like of course we're going to put you in the Margiela and I'm like right and I'm sure that that's what is that what does that mean you know? But I don't know any of it so I feel like behind. I also don't really like like the name or have you ever had like I've pronounced like a designer wrong and someone's like that's not how you say that. Oh my god. Like you think it's I've Saint Laurent. I'm like how am I supposed to know why the fuck would I know and why is it spelled like that you song or whatever. Yeah and then they do the little like croissant and it's like shut up. First of all don't be French. That's the number one thing I have to say. I remember one of the times I got most mad at somebody and like one of the first times I really stood up for myself. I was like 16 or 17. We're finding out that was a really foundational area for me in this episode I guess. This guy is him. I well it doesn't matter. This guy I was like a school conference and this guy was like he was like an East Coast guy and he went to like a very fancy school district and we were like at a school conference together in like Orlando or something something like that and he was like he was like he was like yeah maybe when I get older I want to open like a haberdashery or something and I was like I was like oh that'd be cool and he looked at me and he goes you probably don't even know what a haberdashery is and I was like yeah I guess I don't. I just thought it sounded cool and he was like yeah it's a menswear store and I remember I remember in the moment I had never talked to someone like this but I went what is your problem. It was the first time that I encountered someone so rude that I was like what the fuck is your why are you doing this? Cause he was right I didn't know what it was but I was like I was just being nice and fun. Also why is a menswear. I don't know. Why are you saying haberdashery you fucking freak. I didn't know what a haberdashery was and when you were saying it I did not think menswear house I said like a place where they like sell rabbits. Yeah also how are you going to try to little bro me when you're saying like haberdashery. I had to beat your ass. Call it a mens clothing store. Yeah I don't know where he's at now but that was nuts. No I've been like on edge like about to um I don't know I'm going to like snap at someone soon. Everyone thinks I'm so fucking nice and it's like I really almost like went in on this woman. What happened? In the Hamptons. She okay so my friend was like we were in this store and it's like this fancy vintage store and this woman is batshit crazy she's like keep an eye make sure nobody's stealing in here and we're like what like relax. And then my friend is looking at this shirt she goes up to my friend and she goes you know that's an extra small right? That's kind of funny. It's not funny and I was this close to being like your Botox makes you look like a cat you stupid dumbass bitch. You could have gotten away with that I think. And I wish I just like I'm not quite that brave I think I it was so fucked up. Yeah I got really mad at someone recently because they I was telling a story that involved a couple of friends who happened to be like well known famous people and they were they like jokingly were like they're like nice name drop and I was like no those are just people I'm friends with don't be a fucking asshole to me. I didn't like that I was like you're you live in a space where that's exactly that's your thing you would like to name drop and so you're putting that on me I'm just actually telling a story and you're being fucking annoying. Did you say that? No I just I wasn't in the mood. Sometimes I will let someone get away with something crazy because I'm just not in the mood. That was objectively rude and I was just like I was just I remember identically they they weren't trying to be rude either they just were projecting but they said that and I went that's not what I was doing and then I just moved on. Yeah because I was like I'm not going to do this with you right now but there I feel also like I feel what you're saying I feel like I let so much small shit slide that I am on the verge of like really letting someone have it. I'm really gonna let someone have it soon like I'm really on the verge like my friend lives in Hampton so I've been there a lot this summer which it's a beautiful place but the people there I've never seen anything like it we're biking and a bike lane this guy in a Jeep is like move the fuck and I went off I was like you fucking piece of shit loser ass bitch like I've never seen myself like that and it's like we're in the Hamptons you know what I mean like there's moms with strollers like we're not in New York City and my friend was like are you okay like what's kind of happening. My friend was like what's going like is something going on she's like you have been a little off recently. And I was like hey that guy was an asshole your response was way disproportionate. Yeah he just kind of like yelled and I was like ready to like throw a rock at his car. Yeah. Like I was pissed. That's beautiful Carly I think you should have done that. You know everyone just keeps calling me nice and the more they call me nice the more I'm ready to like. I know that you're not a serial killer but that does sound like a serial killer thing to say. Like the more people call me nice the more I want to prove them wrong. Yeah I mean. Yeah I think. I mean I don't know put me at a press conference see what happens. How's your cat. I know I'm trying. I'm trying. That really means a lot. He's good. I love him so much. My cat named Walter he's really special Caleb won't come over and meet him. I don't like the way he looks. His face is very his face is very it's menacing to me. Yeah he's a Persian cat so he's a flat face. Well don't say these Persian that makes me seem prejudiced. Well I don't know. I'm not prejudiced. I you're the one I didn't say anything. Yeah he just he's menacing to me. He's um no I really love him I Maddie our friend got me a cat psychic. Okay yeah that's interesting. And I mean she had a lot of really insane things to say. I'm certain that she did. She goes your cat has ADHD. And she goes do you look like him and we do kind of look alike. Okay and I was like a little bit and she goes he'd like to be in matching green outfits with you. And she goes and he really wants to meet your dad. And I said why. She said he's a character you know and apparently he wants a cape. Okay I'm gonna get him one for Halloween. I would like some praise for how well I'm handling all over. He's handling it really well. Listen a lot of I want to act out right now. I mean she did say some insane shit. She was like he feels like counter-acculent. I was like I think the call needs to end. Yeah yeah yeah the idea the cat psychic in general has really upset me. Everything you said has upset me. It's obviously funny but like I don't like that she got paid to do that. Well it was a gift and I appreciated it from Maddie and um but yeah no he's a really special that I didn't really know like animals could make you feel this way. It's opened up beside me I just like I never knew existed. But he's worried about me. Walter. Yeah. He makes me realize how quite unstable I am. What is he as a cat doing to make you feel that way? Well it's like you know I'll be sobbing and he's kind of staring at me like. Yeah. And then five minutes later I'm like I love you like you're my special boy and he's just like your bat shit you know what I mean like it affects him. Yeah. It affects him. He's affected. He hides. He's affected. He's deeply affected. Yeah. Well I have a question for you. Yeah. What's so true to you today? I don't know if you're gonna like this but what's so true to me is that I think summer is really overrated. Of course I like that. You do? Oh yeah especially as someone who kind of worked all summer and didn't do anything fun I'm really in a position to accept that. I'm really really over it. I get so sad in the summer. I don't there's so many lines. Like why is there an event pop up at Hungry Goes Coffee like I just I'm everyone's like go to the beach go to the beach the aliens are in the ocean you know what I'm saying there's sharks everywhere. I don't like it. Yes everyone's horny but in a hurtful way. Like in a in a painful way. Yeah. I don't I'm sweating from every orifice. Yeah. I go through like five pairs of underwear a day. What? I'm sweating I'm sweating. My pussy's screaming hell about. You're sweating through five pairs of underwear a day. Yeah I'd say. Okay we have a different perspective on summer. Okay what's yours. I just think it's kind of hot. I guess that which it lines up with the sweating thing but you're like you're like it's it's horny in a hurtful way and Hungry Goes is too busy. I'm like okay we have a different. It's just like I'm not having a I like fall. So I'm so glad you said that because it's so clear to me that autumn is the most ideal season that we have and people don't respect it enough. I think actually actually some like like autumn girls who really go in for autumn have gotten kind of a bad rap. It's a Christian girl fall type of thing but I'm like no they're right. They're right they are right and I think that it really stems beyond that. I feel like you have Halloween which is very queer coded. Halloween's extremely queer coded. I like the leaves change. I like to brood you can yearn. I like to listen folk music hits different in the fall. There's smells these nostalgic smells especially if you grew up somewhere with seasons it's like just the change of the same. There's something about fall I could cry thinking about it. I can't fucking wait I need summer to be over. God fall is gonna be so good. It's gonna be so good. If this fall doesn't hit I'm gonna have to make some serious decisions. I'll be dead. What? Hey what? No this fall needs to hit really bad. I kind of felt that about summer and then summer got away from me and nothing fun happened. Like plenty of fun things happened but I worked a lot. You also like didn't miss anything. It was just like too hot. I know I just wish I yeah I thought I told myself this summer wouldn't get away from me this year and it did but fall will not slip through my fingers. No. I will not allow it. I will have a gorgeous fall. We're gonna have a gorgeous fall. I will have a gorgeous fall. We're gonna get big hats and we're gonna get scarves. That's not part of it for me. We should go to church one time. I'll go to church. You know I go to Universal Unitarian Church sometimes. Yeah. You go with me anytime. Yeah I do Unitarian. I'm gonna start doing that stuff. It's beautiful. Those people are only a little bit strange and mostly lovely. I know I'm gonna start working with a bunch of them. We'll see how it goes. Being a little bit strange is actually beautiful. Oh 100%. Sometimes you want to be around somebody a little bit. Do you think I'm a little bit or a lot? Strange? Be honest. I think you're perfect. And I mean that. No be real. I'm being serious. What level of strange? Zero to ten. I think out of zero being the least strange person I've ever met like a boring normie and ten being like what you have to help me on the ten. Ten it's like oof like a... Like might have bodies in the basement. Yeah conspiracy theorists. Conspiracy like crazy crazy okay. I would say on that scale of weird. I would say publicly you present as like a four or a five. The truth is that you're over rocking like a seven. And I love that. I love the real you that I know. And I love the fake or the public you. You're like an honestly or two-faced fake bitch. Well no but I love no it's like the moon and rising thing or something or whatever. Yeah. You know? Do you know yours? Have I ever said this on here? What is my stuff? You're an Aquarius. And I would guess that you're like a Leo moon if I'm being honest. What does it say rising? And I feel like you're like a Scorpio rising. I have to search Aquarius because I know that's my number one guy. My ascendant is Taurus. My son is Aquarius. My moon is Scorpio. Oh I knew there was Scorpio in there. My Mercury is Aquarius. My Venus is Sagittarius. Oh interesting. My Mars is Leo. I'm a Mars and Leo too. What does that mean? It makes sense that we do performing. It means you're like a... Mars is like a lot of career and then like if you're a Leo it's a performer. So it makes sense. Okay that's interesting. And the Sag Venus makes a lot of sense for you. Sag Venus? Why? What is it? That's in love and dating and Sag is very carefree. He wants to explore. I don't find myself to be carefree in love and dating. I don't find... Do you think that's true of me? Not like... Well I feel like you like... When you were traveling it's like you're always having some love affair somewhere. Carly, we... We have a segment for you. The true false segment you've played before. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You can tell me as quickly as you can if they're true or false. If you get 10 or more correct I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. Are you fucking serious? I better get this. Cheerios is the most popular cereal in the US. True. True. Dune is older than Star Wars. True. True. Rocky Baboa was a real person. True. False. There are four stars on the Chicago flag. True. False. True. There have only been 11 Egot winners. True. False. 27. Barbie was invented by a woman named Ruth. Yeah, true. True. Octopuses have three hearts. True. True. Avocados are vegetables. False. False. They're fruits. Nutmeg is a hallucinogen. True. True. The last letter added to the English alphabet is J. True. True. Philadelphia City Hall is the largest municipal building in the country. I should know this. True. True. Duxer or herbivores. True. False. Omnivores. There are no operational Chuck E. Cheese locations in the US. False. False. I've been. Debra Huff is the current mayor of Doylestown, Pennsylvania. True. False. No. No. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. False. And he is just such a good friend and I love you very much. Tell them where they can find you. Probably on Instagram. You can follow me there. I don't really use anything else. Nice. I love you. I love you too. Great episode. It was so fun. Thanks for having me again. Bye. Bye.