426: 1001 Nights: Djinning Up Some Trouble

Quick disclaimer, there's the threat of sexual assault at the end of today's episode, as well as some other brief adult-ish stuff. Please see the post on MythPodcast.com for more info. This week on Myths and Legends, we're back in the stories of 1001 Nights. And you'll see what to do if your kid doesn't want to get married. Jail. Or if they get sick. Jail. Or if they fall in love. Jail. But jail with leather couches, apparently. And we'll see how leaving your spouse alone in the desert on your honeymoon might actually be a bad idea. Surprise. The creature this week is one who might steal your kids or your stuff, but who you may be able to kill with kindness. Literally. This is Myths and Legends, episode 426. Ginning up some trouble. This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins. Others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen. As I said, we're back in the tales of 1001 Nights, the origin of Ali Baba, Aladdin, and Sinbad, among others. And today we're telling a story of love and hate, and hate that turns into love. We'll jump into today's story with a sultan who has the one problem all middle-aged rulers seem to be fixated on. You know, okay, just I don't get it. I have four wives. I have three score concubines. I lie with a different one each night. Why don't I have an heir yet? The Sultan shook his head. I don't, that's a lot of information we really don't need, the Vizier grimaced. He knew better than to state that there was a single common denominator in all the Sultan's couplings, so he shrugged. Had the Sultan considered praying about it? The Sultan snapped his fingers and pointed, yes. Yes, he would pray. and he would throw a grand feast and be charitable and all that junk, so the impoverished of the city would pray for him. Allah couldn't ignore him then. Is it the same if you're doing charity and praying only to get what you want? Is that something that will work? The vizier asked. Turns out yes, the sultan said three months later. I'm sorry, what? The vizier looked up from his papers. You asked, is that something that will work? Me praying selfishly. Turns out yes. The sultan grinned. That was three months ago. This isn't a continuation of that conversation, but wait, you have an heir? The vizier marveled. Yes. My wife, well, one of them, and I rushed immediately to bed after that banquet, the one that I threw, and the prayers did their work. She's pregnant with a son. The sultan clapped. Okay, you can't possibly know that. This is like the 10th century, the vizier said. Oh, you of little faith, the sultan said. I was once like you, having little faith. Now I have big faith. My big faith says son, and so it shall be. The sultan strode off. And while the vizier hoped for the stability and continuity of a male heir, he knew he was going to eat those words if it's a boy. The nurse cried out six months later. The nurses said it was so refreshing to see a proud dad. They reached for the baby to clean him off. The Sultan, though, said, nope, not giving him back. If they wanted to give this baby a bath, they were going to have to give him a bath too. Maybe, I don't know. They probably did, what with absolute monarchies being what they are. It is noteworthy, though, that the Sultan didn't just father Kumar and then check out until the boy was in his teens like some monarchs. Nope, he did literally the exact opposite. He never left his son's side, ever. Quote, he could not brook to be parted with the boy, day or night. This went on for 15 years, and while, yes, on some level it is very sweet, on a more realistic, honest level, it is deeply weird. So, my son, you're 15. About time to get married, the sultan said to his son, who was never more than five feet away from him. Kamar smiled a bemused smile. Quote, Oh, my father, know that I have no lust to marry nor clothe my soul to incline to women. For that concerning their craft and perfidy, I have read many books and heard much talk. The sultan blinked. Wait, craft? In this sense meant crafty, like deceitful. He waved a servant over. Perfidy? He knew what it meant, but it was valuable for the sultan to have an educated labor force. Please, define perfidy. The servant thought. Oh, deceitfulness. untrustworthiness. Thank you, the Sultan said. Wait, no, that was a bad thing. He turned to his boy, Kamar. Do you, and he felt weird even having to ask this, do you hate women? Kamar laughed, of course not. He just knew the truth that, quote, women only held you back. They don't respect education and science, and when you're old or run out of money, they'll not love you anymore. The sultan blinked. Where was this coming from? Then he swore. It was when he let the boy cruise those forums when he wasn't looking. Okay, son, let's get some things straight. Women are awesome. I love women. I have so many concubines, I don't even know all their names. The sultan thought about that for a beat. Huh, might be sending the wrong message, actually. Father, I will not marry even though I drink the cup of death. An hour later, the sultan paced the adjacent room. He was 20 feet away from Kumar. He needed his space. I think getting angry and flying off the handle will only make him dig in, the vizier said. Who says I get angry and fly off the handle, the sultan growled. He should have the vizier executed for that. But the man did have some children, so he might gain some insight. Don't push him, the vizier advised. don't compromise and accept his clearly problematic assertions, but just wait. Try to be active in his life and expose him to positive influences, and it'll all work out. The sultan said, okay, that was good advice. He would go caress his son's face for hours like he did every night. Good, the vizier smiled. Wait, what? Okay, for real, where is he even reading this stuff? The vizier shook his head at the notes. You're by him literally all the time. I know, the sultan said. But it's just like reams of poems about how deceptive and evil women are. He had the talk again, the you're 15 and it's time to get married talk, which is not one we hopefully have a lot of nowadays. And it ended the same way. A refusal to wed even under the pain of death, and yes, a lot of misogynistic poetry. Okay, I do have a plan, the vizier said. Obviously the carrot wasn't working, had to move to the stick. Public shaming. Love it, the sultan replied. The plan was to wait a year, really try to drive home that women weren't deceptive monsters who would destroy your life, and then bring them in front of everyone. All the advisors, courtiers, generals, even the public. Stuff like this tends to wither in sunlight, the vizier reassured the sultan. Sure, he'll talk a big game when it's people he knows who won't give him any pushback, but spouting off all that hateful nonsense in public? He'll change his tune. So, I know this sounds really far-fetched, and this is folklore, so that can help explain some of it, but apparently there are people who, rather than feel shame for their embarrassing, hateful beliefs, will not shrink from a platform, but instead use it to proudly speak to a wider audience. Kumar was one of those people. When his father drew him out on stage, surrounded by every noble, general, advisor, and courtier within a week's ride of the city, along with all the common people crammed onto every street and rooftop, and asked him why he didn't want to marry, he said the same thing he always said. Kind of. I'll say the same thing I said already, Dad. Twice, actually. Why do you keep asking? You might be great in age, but you are small of wit. Thou doodest. and are not fit to govern a flock of sheep. If you couldn't tell, he was treating himself to a side of ageism with his misogyny, saying his father doted, in the archaic sense, implying that he had impaired mental functioning due to age. The Sultan, though, knew what this meant. Jail. Not that he wanted to, though he kind of wanted to. The kid talked back at the worst possible time. The entire kingdom was there. And the story tells us that the kid didn't just stop at calling his dad doting. So the Sultan had to make an example of his sweet, beautiful boy. And, you know, maybe not sending them to literal prison for talking back, but boundaries are good for kids. And all it took was being corrected exactly one time for Kamar to drop an anguish to his leather couch, saying that he should have just listened to his dad and gotten married, because as tricky and evil as women were, married would be better than forever jail. And yeah, it's not a, Complete 180, but baby steps, you know? The king, grinning, heard the news from the eunuch that had been posted outside his guard for his son. But the vizier cautioned him to wait 15 days. Then, suitably chastened, the boy could be called to his presence to repent. As far as prisons go, one with food delivery and a mattress set on top of a leather couch, the mattress stuffed with silk and the pillows with ostrich down, well, I've never actually stayed in a hotel that's as nice as this dungeon. And I'm not sure how it worked in the Middle East during this time, but in places like Britain and France, which I'm more familiar with, prisoners weren't held underground, typically. I mean, if you think about it, even with our machines and technology, it is still way cheaper and easier to build above ground than it is to dig down. The prince, too, couldn't just go to any cell, so they cleared out an old tower for him, one that sat out by the old walls. It was ancient, and before they filled it up with candles and couches and a silk-stuffed mattress on couches. It was just a stone room with a well in the middle that had been built sometime by someone. But now it was a jail. Brief aside, that's going to feel like a tangent, but it's not. Genies, or gin, are everywhere. Kind of. People think of Aladdin and the lamp, but genies are in way more things. In the original Aladdin story alone, they're also in a ring, but additionally, they're in bottles and chests and, apparently, old wells. See, for me, this vastly opens up the stuff genies could live in, but that is a tangent, so we'll move on. As the genia, Maimuna, genia meaning, like, genie princess, peeked her head up from the well she lived in, she scowled, What was all this? This tower was abandoned, and now it was the home to some... She folded her scratching claws into some human fingers, and her wings into her back, as her lantern illuminated Kamar's face. Wow. Beautiful people exist in the world. That being said, I don't think there's anyone as beautiful as Kumar, because this genie froze there when she saw his face, because he was so good looking. And according to the story, she froze for an hour. She was completely motionless. A daughter of the king of the djinn, literally awestruck by his handsomeness. She didn't understand how his family could leave him in such a desolate, lonely place, because physical attractiveness is surely the only trait worth anything ever. After an hour, she gave him a kiss between the eyes and covered him back up. All right, now to go mess with some lesser genies. Her feathery wings burst from her back and she flapped up through the tower and took off. To space. Kind of. She went up to one of the lower spears, the level of the moon, and flew around before she spotted... Oh yeah. Oh no! One of the Ifrit, Danash, said, as he spotted Mamuna dive-bombing him like a sparrow hawk. Quote, his side muscles quivered, which I guess we're supposed to read as him flinching, and he cowered before his princess, who filled the sky above him, blocking the moon. Where have you been? Princess Mamuna asked. And the Ifrit, whose fiery wings flapped, tried the best he could to bow before her in the sky. Ifrit are more powerful than normal djinn, but apparently not as powerful as her because he was scared. He said he came, quote, from China land, the islands to the east of China land, actually. And I don't think the princess is the direct report for the Ifrit. She was just bullying him for information and fun, which he gladly provided both because he didn't want to have her, quote, pluck out his feathers, strip off his skin and break his bones. Cannot really blame him, though. That does not sound fun. Luckily, he did have something to barter in order to keep his feathers on his wings and his bones and skin in separate, respective single pieces. A very attractive woman. I'm not going to detail all the physical descriptions of her because it's a lot. Not nearly as much as Kumar, actually. But the Ifrit was going to dive into detail because his princess seemed mad and this would help? Thing was, she had a story of her own And, as it was keeping the skin on his back, the Ifrit started telling it. So, seven palaces, huh? All the tax money from the petty kings underneath you to build seven palaces for a princess. us. Remind me again how many palaces she can sleep in at once? Is it one? I think the answer might be one. The vizier, who was kind of at his wits end, said to the king of the islands east of China land, but not really. Think of China in this instance as just code for very far away. The king was perturbed. He didn't like the way his advisor was talking about his sweet, precious girl. I don't like your books. Do you have any idea how much the building of seven palaces for your girl, with the palaces being made of, he flipped through the ledgers, crystal marble, steel, precious stones, porcelain, and onyx, silver and gold respectively costs, and you furnish them all, and they're just sitting empty, the vizier sighed. But the king loved his daughter, and while love sometimes meant not spending yourself into a revolt, he heard about the suitors, and how they all came for her hand, and how he deferred to her, even when she said no. They could weather the financial storm of a solid gold palace built for no reason. In the history of terrible decisions on the part of a monarchy, and that's a long history, even in the 10th century, there have been worse things done for worse reasons than a guy loving on his kid. At this, the king looked, well, not happy to finally be having the accountant's office back. Something the vizier smelled immediately. What? the vizier demanded. The king smiled. He needed a dungeon. Dungeons don't exist, you know this, you need a tower, but you have seven of them, the vizier zeroed in. She can't stay in those, the king winced. The vizier took a deep breath, and why couldn't the princess stay in any of the palaces they had bankrupted themselves building for her? Knowing his advisor didn't understand how to raise children, I have eight children, the advisor said, but the king continued, The palaces were a nice thing. He just wanted to lock her up, and he didn't want this nice thing that they spent so much money on to become her prison. All of them, even the porcelain one. Okay, back up. Why are we imprisoning your daughter? The vizier opened up the ledger and began looking for an unoccupied prison tower. When it comes down to it, the king's reasons weren't bad, they were just misguided. Like Camar, the princess had some strong opinions on marriage. Not sure if the story is trying to draw parallels between Camar's virulent misogyny and the princess desire to be the sole independent ruler of her father kingdom someday Unwilling to have a husband and therefore a ruler over her I going to choose to believe no Anyway the princess was adamant but well she kind of took it too far. Unlike Kumar, she told her father that if he mentioned matrimony to her once more, she would go into her room, put a sword point up, and throw herself on it. You know what you could do, the vizier said And I'm doing it, the king replied He was imprisoning her for her own safety Until she softens to the idea of marriage Or not mention marriage to her and let her live her own life The vizier floated that option Vizier whose name I can't remember Do you have any idea how much debt we're in thanks to those palaces? She needs to make a match, the king said Besides, marriage and the unconditional love of a spouse was a great joy he didn't want her to miss out on. Yeah, I think you and your twelve wives might have a difference of opinion on that one, but sure. I can find you a nice dungeon to stick your girl in until you browbeat her to your will, the vizier sighed, and went on to do just that. So I had to check her out, and yeah, she is everything they say. She's beautiful, the Ifrit Dinesh said, eyebrows arched. so? Princess Mamuna shrugged she asked what she was supposed to do with that information and a beautiful girl, okay great she saw a much better looking guy just this night in her house well above her well that she lived in there was a man so good looking that the Ifrit would be shaking with admiration and spittle would fly from his mouth um, sorry but no you didn't, the Ifrit said I'm sorry, what? No, you didn't. See a much more good-looking guy, the Ifrit stood up straighter or hovered straighter in the air. The princess blinked. Oh, so the Ifrit did want to have his wings torn off and his skin stripped from his body. Yeah, if you're so afraid of losing, sure, go ahead, the Ifrit said. Mamuna arched an infernal eyebrow. Yeah, we can go to both places, see both kids. My princess is more beautiful than your prince, but go see for yourself, Theifert shrugged. Gaging the physical attractiveness of popular kids, what is this, a college website from the mid-2000s? Mamuna laughed. Okay, but sure. She would humor Dinashe. They were closer to her house than China, so they would go there first. Hope he didn't enjoy having bones. Oh my gosh. Dinashe covered his face with a claw when he saw Kamar. I am so sorry, he said. Not as much as you're gonna be, Mamuna whispered as she began lowering the blanket. Dinashe shook his head, please. He was gonna die, but he needed a minute to appreciate what he was seeing here. Wow. Then Mamuna had an idea. What if, so she could see how right she was, they bring the only very beautiful princess here and place her in the same room as Kumar? I don't care about anything anymore. Just knowing that there's someone this beautiful in the world, it makes it all worth it, you know? Dinashe said, then realized, oh wait, if I bring her here, then I'll be alive longer and get to enjoy looking at his face longer. Yes, okay, I'll be right back. Shooting up into the sky, the Efrit took off, after presumably magicing the princess to a deep sleep, he flew her, I don't know if it's worth doing the math, but a non-trivial fraction of the circumference of the earth, back to Kamar's kingdom, and landed a few minutes later. Oh my gosh, Mamuna covered her mouth. Yes, I'm wrong, I know, Dinashe said, as he took the princess in next to Kamar, before taking his seat to appreciate the prince's face, before his own inevitable death. No, I think you might be right, Mamuna said, fixated on the princess's face. So what follows is long, and a lot of poetry about how attractive the respective people were. I posted a source if you're curious, but trust me, you're not. But when it came to the question of whose pseudo-crush was hotter, the djinn were at loggerheads, which was why they needed an impartial third party, the servant of the princess. us. Now, this seems like an obvious fix, but Dinashe had no recourse against the princess. She stomped her foot on the ground, and from the mark it made, first one claw emerged, then a second. The being, another marid, was, well, for beings that can shapeshift, it was all the more interesting that this was the form that he chose. He had the claws of a lion and the hooves of a donkey. His head had seven horns on it, and he wore an eye patch over one eye. He was scurvy-skinned, so he apparently wasn't a fan of citrus, and probably the most distinctive feature in those many distinctive features was that, in addition to his eye holes with eyeballs in them, he had several more vacant eye sockets all around his face. I don't know what happened to them. I don't know if he loaned them out like some gross eye library. And, by the way, I know I could have just said, Le Eyebrary, but I'm not a hack. If your judge asks you What is thy will, O my master? As the marid did You can be fairly certain that you're going to win Unless, all things being equal All things are completely equal And those two kids are tied for the most beautiful person in the world Seeing the growing anger of the pair The judge, the marid, held up a claw He did have an idea And his wife was always telling him He needed to have more confidence in himself And speak out more at work So here goes let the kids decide. Mamuna and Dinas were confused how. The plan was not a bad one. Wake them up, but one at a time. Whichever one was enamored more was the loser. Both were confident in the object of their respective infatuations. So, in turn, both the djinn would turn into fleas, and bite one of the sleepers to wake them, and it went pretty much how you could imagine. Kamar, for all of his vitriolic misogyny, fell in love with her the moment he saw her, and mourned the fact that he didn't listen to his dad and get married to someone like this. Granted, he's only seen her sleeping, unconscious form, but you know, we can give him some credit, I guess. I won't give him credit for his restraint, because he should have that anyway. He settled for slipping a ring off her finger and putting it in his pocket. Not to rob her, maybe, but because he sensed something was awry here. He just thought it was his dad messing with him and wanted some way to connect with this beautiful stranger later. When they woke her, she was at first ashamed to be in bed with a strange young man and then saw him, trying to shake him awake while yelling all the things she wanted that strange young man to do with her. She did not have the same restraint he did, and we won't say all the exploring that happened, but it ended with her kissing him and falling asleep in the crook of his arm. Before her eyes closed, though, she slipped the small ring from his finger and put it on her own. She didn't know what she was doing in this strange dungeon tower, but she had to find a way back to him. Okay, well, I got nothing, still equal. The marid shrugged the protests of the Ifrit and the Djinn princess. His restraint showed that he loved her, while her lack of restraint showed how enamored she was with him. It's weird like that. With a grumble, Mamuna scribbled out a pardon and handed it to Dinashe. What am I being pardoned for, exactly? Dinashe looked it over. Yeah, I wouldn't press your luck here, bud. The marid folded up the pardon in the Ifrit's hands with a wink to the princess and said he would help Dinashe get the princess home before sunrise. We'll see how those two crazy kids feel when they wake up without the other person next to them, but that will be right after this. Where is she? Kamara woke with a start feeling next to him in bed Footsteps arrived as he sat up The eunuch that had been posted outside the tower to guard him asked him if he wanted like breakfast prison breakfast like parfait and maybe some fluffy pancakes? Kamara rose, where is she? The eunuch said, she? I'm sorry, he had no idea what his prince was talking about. Oh, I think you do. What did you do with her? Tell me. So a number of things happened next. Kamara charged the guard who was there to protect the prince, but who quickly realized he was going to need protection from the prince when the prince grabbed his collar and threw him to the ground. The text also points out that the eunuch farted when he hit the ground, as if he needed to be humiliated more. Kamar kicked him and throttled him until he was unconscious, but realizing that this wasn't going to help him, Kamar decided to wake him. The man did awaken when he was dunked headfirst into the well by a rope around his ankles. Fairly recent research suggests that torture is ineffective for obtaining reliable information. Case in point, the eunuch screamed out, okay, he would tell the prince everything, and watch the stone walls of the well go by as he rose. Problem was, he could barely say anything through his chattering teeth. Deciding that it was good cop time, Kamar agreed to let the man walk out and lay his clothes in the sun, and was surprised when the eunuch left the tower and kept going, breaking into a run. The eunuch ran straight to the sultan, telling him, sorry, but your boy has gone completely insane. He thought he saw a beautiful girl on his tower when the key stayed with the eunuch all night. The sultan ordered that the vizier go to his son's tower because he had hope that maybe his beautiful, corrosively misogynistic boy was a little less misogynistic. You did this, the son poked the vizier in the chest, you put a beautiful woman in my bed and took her away before the morning light, where is she? Vizier asked to be filled in on what he was being accused of, and Kamar did that with a lot of shouting. And at the end of it, the vizier asked what the kid ate before he went to bed. It sounded like a dream, right? Kamar would not have his sanity questioned, not by a eunuch and not by his father's most trusted advisor. When all you have is a hammer, everything is a nail, just like when all you are is a petulant prince, all you have is karate chopping people in the neck and then kicking them until they go unconscious. Which he did, to the vizier. This might sound weird, but the vizier did not want to be beaten to death at work, or at all, and there was a silver lining to the prince's nighttime delusions. He had to find a way out of this situation, though, so he followed the eunuch's lead when he regained consciousness and lied. Remember what we just said about torture and the reliability of information. The vizier said that he would explain everything, but he had been sworn to secrecy by the sultan. Why? Why did you make me beat you just to tell me all that? Kamar blamed the guy he had just beaten for beating him. The vizier rose to his feet and said that he was loyal, but Kamar made a good counterpoint by karate chopping his neck. He had never heard that one before. The vizier asked the young man to sit down and close his eyes. Remember what she looked like. describe her in detail, and he would try to see who the description matched in his father's house. Kamar sat down and described the beauty of Princess Budur, that was her name by the way, but when he opened his eyes and asked if that sounded like anyone he knew, the vizier was a speck on the horizon running as fast as he could. The vizier's plan to declare the sun was insane backfired, because it was also his plan to put the kid in a dungeon to soften his resolve, and so the sultan was adamant that the vizier should lose his head that spat out so much bad advice. First though, he had to see the damage for himself but he was surprised by how gracious his son was. When the sultan entered the tower, vizier right behind him with spear points prodding him along, the boy bowed. He said his dad was right. Women weren't the worst. He was in love. Yep, exactly how I knew it would play out in my plan the whole time. The vizier forced a smile, a tooth skittering across the floor. Yeah, that sounds like a dream, son, the sultan said after he heard the story, but a dream that brought about great personal change and growth. He turned to his advisor. We didn't Inception him, did we? Can we even do that? Oh yeah, then how did I get this? Kamar produced the ring, the one that he had taken from her hand. A signet ring, but a ring that no one in the room recognized. This was a mystery, but it solved a greater problem. It meant that his son wasn't insane, probably. It's not like people can just find or take items that aren't theirs and then say there's something else, so yeah, certified sane. His vizier gets to keep his head. Everyone's happy. Swoon. Kamar put his hand to his forehead and collapsed. Oh, that's probably not good. The Sultan shook his head and called in the physicians. Kumar was having a tough time. As we know, broken hearts can literally kill you. So the Sultan called in the doctors and moved Kumar from tower to tower to get him that good air. People were less understanding when it came to Princess Budur. Though starting your morning off with a murder will do that. You see, like Kamar, she woke and immediately asked for that beautiful youth. But when her governess had no idea what she was talking about, and why would she, Budur stabbed her to death with a sword. Hey there, my daughter. The king walked in the tower, his advisor in front of him. The king compared the width of the advisor to the length of the sword and promised himself he was going to start feeding these guys better. Yeah, you got mad and killed someone, the king shrugged. Oops, we do try not to do that because we want people to learn from their mistakes and we don't want to create a culture of fear where people don't feel comfortable disclosing problems, but hey, accidents happen. She moved onto the sword in your outstretched hand when you walked toward her. That's what the official report will say. Now, if you put the sword down, I'll tell you all about that handsome youth you're going to marry. The king grinned, and Budur immediately dropped the sword. The clang was the cue, and women swarmed from all the doors into the room with chains and cuffs. Honestly, this hurts me more than it hurts you, the king lied, and the people dragged the subdued princess to a different, worse tower. Okay, here's the deal. The king sat down with the doctors a week later. for some reason chaining his daughter in the dark hadn't cured her of her insanity so he had a deal whoever thought he had a solution could go try it out you cure the princess you marry her you fail your head goes up on what he hoped wouldn't be a long string of heads that hung above his palace gate he was wrong the string was huge too huge after the first 40 the story says he moved to crucifying people who failed which you know if that's a plan B you might not be on the right track. Both of the young people, Budur and Kumar, spent three years in agony. Though Budur in considerably more agony because she was chained up in a dungeon in the name of mental health instead of being shuffled around her dad's resort towers. So everyone, fun day! my son has decided to resume his official duties as Prince the Sultan Kamar's dad clapped the advisors and the nobles and the high officers they yeah they noticed it was hard not to the skinny anemic looking young man laying with his head on the Sultan lap hadn eaten for two days and his presence was less about him excitedly trying to get better, and more that he was just now too exhausted and despairing to say no. Hey, um, Sultan, the vizier whispered, and pointed to the tributary that ran under the palace, to the man, floating face down on a plank of wood. Should they help that man? My son looks and smells like a garbage bag. He's the future of my kingdom. You want to rescue one drowning man who might take that secret knowledge to our enemies, who could exploit that weakness? Okay, no one is going to do that, and everyone knows about your son who was misogynistic and hot, and now he's not misogynistic but mopey and dying. But yes, I think we need to be decent and get that guy out of there. Fine, the king waved him off, but if he blabs and they're invaded and conquered, and he was holding his vizier responsible. The young man, who was soon coughing up brackish water before being taken to the tailor to dress for the sultan so he could answer for why he had interrupted the sultan's meeting with his dying, well, he was Marzowan. And no, you shouldn't recognize that name. But as he was being helped along and spotted the weakened prince dozing in his father's lap, Marzowan had a recognition of his own, his foster sister's signet ring. Real quickly, on his travels, he learned of the princess who went crazy and stabbed her governess before being subdued, and the pearl necklace of heads that hung above the gate of his home. Sneaking in to see his sister, he believed her and vowed to travel the world to find that very handsome prince she had seen, and learned of Kumar. His ship capsized in the bay, and way too much water in his lungs later, he had an audience with the sultan. But Marzowan ignored the sultan, Instead, walking up to the prince, where he started with the healing power of poetry. Poetry talking about pretty ladies, or one pretty lady in general, and while the sultan was giving the hand signals for his goon to put this guy back where they found him, specifically drowning in the river, the sultan abruptly halted when he felt the weight rise from his lap. At the end of Marzawan's poem, the prince turned to his father and asked that the young man be allowed to sit next to him here. And the Sultan, just happy that his kid was vertical, said absolutely. He was, as they all learned, Marzawan, from the kingdom of King Geir, Lord of the Isles and the Seas and the Seven Palaces. As you can see, Boudir's dad had integrated the seven palaces he built for his daughter, who was now in a dungeon, into his branding. Wait, didn't I hear something about you all? Like, a princess went mad out of love and stabbed her governess. Yeah, Marzawan said. It had been three years, it would be nice if that wasn't the only thing people remembered about his home. This guy went mad for love. The sultan patted his son on the back. Got better though, and he didn't stab anyone. Only tortured a servant and beat my vizier within an inch of his life. Alright, who's hungies? The sultan clapped. He is. Marzawan put his arm around the prince. He is? The sultan shook his head. I am? Kamar asked. If you want to see her again, you are, Marzawan whispered to the prince. I am, Kamar said, and everyone went to dinner. Dad, I want to go hunting, Kamar said to the sultan the next day. after having Marzawan sleep in his room that night. The same Marzawan who had left earlier that morning without a word. Great, I love hunting, the sultan clapped. No, I would like to go alone, Kamar said, his smile still big. Alone, just you, in the desert, by yourself, the sultan said. That seemed like a really... Kamar stuck out his lower lip and wrinkled his forehead. Oh, he felt the sads coming on. That seemed like an excellent idea The Sultan sported a painful smile The deal was one night And the kid had to take provisions And camels and what not Which was fine with Kumar He could be by himself And he did actually need a body He met Marzawan at his camp And Marzawan slaughtered the camel While Kumar got undressed And ran a knife through his shirt And pants a couple of times Marzawan hacked away at the bones of the camel Getting them roughly human sized and shaped His father would find the remains two days from now, but the young men had planned it, so they would already be on a ship sailing far away by then, under assumed names. Kamar did love his father, but he loved Bredur more, and knew his father would never let him go on this journey. It was the only way to get him to stop looking. Maybe, someday, Kamar would return, but for now he had to go save Bredur from her imprisonment for murder. The marriage to Berdur would be easy enough. The king had put forth the conditions himself. Anyone who cured Berdur would marry her. And well, Kamar was the cure. The only thing he needed was to get in to see her. Marzawan helped him look the part. And when it came to speaking the part, it really didn't matter. Literally everyone who knew anything about science, astrology, dream reading, or anything else, was either as far away from the palace of King Gare as they could get, or already a gruesome decoration for the palace of King Gare. Kamar walked along the streets, his scientist-astrologer robes flowing, talking loudly about his golden tablets, and astrological instruments, and geomatic what's-its and astrolabes. He was the sought and the seeker. He was the ready reckoner. He openeth the volume and was the summer of sums. I think we're really supposed to read that as nonsense. But you know who didn't read it as nonsense? The king. So I worry that since it's been like five minutes since we've discussed it, we're losing sight of just how hot Kamar is. So attractive that the people of the city, one that he had never visited before, gathered around him and told him, hey, you're really attractive, you might want to cool it with the I'm an astrologer, look at how much astrology I do stuff, because it would be a shame if someone as hot as you died. This has no bearing on the story, but the actual text apparently wants to spend way more time keeping it top of mind, so there you go. Neither the king nor his guards had ever seen someone so eager to be pressed into service, and likely die, nor run to the princess's cell. They were actually a little worried about this guy. Kamar said that he would be able to cure the princess's madness without even seeing her face, and also with poetry. I was a little worried that his nearly 100-line poem about how painful it was to be separated from the one you loved was going to be the whole thing, but he ended it by wrapping the signet ring he took from her finger in the poem and then passing it under the curtain. There was a silence on the other side of the curtain as he saw a hand take the message and pull it out of view. Then a gasp, and he heard his own poetry about how painful it was to be apart from the one you loved read back to him. He stood to go to her, but the guard had a very, step through that curtain and I'll make sure you never step anywhere ever again look to him. It didn't matter though, because through the power of love, or I guess maybe very weak restraints, the princess strained forward and snapped the chains. rushing toward Kamar and kissing him on the mouth, quote, like a pigeon feeding its young. Beautiful. Kamar's eyes grew heavy as he began to fall asleep with Budur in his arms, again. They had been married for weeks at this point, and spent every night in each other's arms. Then, at the last moment, as sleep took him, he resisted, but it was too late. Oh, there he is, my son who leaves me to mourn because he wanted to get married. The Sultan paced the endless void of what had become Kamar's dream world, a dream world his dad now dominated, guilting him relentlessly. I never parted with you at all, up until you went all weird with that no marriage stuff, the Sultan said. Hi, Dad. Yeah, that's not a normal thing parents should do, but I'm sorry, Kamar said. He said it every time, but it was never enough. Oh, he's sorry. If only there was something he could do to show me that he's still alive. Maybe, I don't know, show me that he's still alive. I know, okay, we're leaving in like a week for home. We're going to spend a whole year with you, Kamar said. a week. Yeah, okay. I give my life to this kid and he makes me wait another week. What did I do to deserve this? Kamar groaned and pinched himself, waking up again in the middle of the night from the personification of his own guilt about his dad. Dressing and calling up one of his father-in-law's viziers, he asked if there was any way they could get on the road earlier. Ten days walking or running alone through the desert, Kamar thought he might have made a mistake. It started in the tents. He and his wife were alone and, well, after a long day of travel, she went right to sleep. He didn't know this when he tried to start something. They're young and married, but he did stop when he found something hard. A jewel, a large red one, attached to her waistband. It came right off, and seeing as she was slumbering, he walked outside into the light of the afternoon sun and saw that it was magnificent. It had wondrous, confusing, mystical-looking engravings, and it was gone. A bird swooped down and grabbed it from his hand. Knowing that it must be important to his wife, he took off after the bird. But the bird kept just out of reach. Knowing it had to land somewhere, he kept after it, maintaining a mental map of how he needed to return to his camp. But as night began to fall, he began to flag. He slowed and the bird slowed. He stopped and it stopped. Seeing an advantage, he tried to creep up on the short tree where the bird rested, but it retreated with a few hops. retreated but didn't fly away. When he woke the following morning, he found that, having no more energy left to run, he could only walk, but the bird moved slowly too, as if it wanted him to follow. As the hours passed, he became less concerned about the jewel and more intrigued by this bird and where it might be leading him. Ten days later, after eating the last of the provisions in his pack and emptying his water, He thought he might have made a mistake, especially when, arriving at a city, the bird dispatched with the game and took off among the buildings. Kamar, ragged and dirty, sat down by a stream and despaired. After a few minutes and seeing nowhere else to go, he made his way into the city. You there, gardener! He cried out to a gardener upon entering the city. What city is this? The gardener laughed. Oh, he didn't know? This was Wizard City. A city of wizards. A city of wizards. Kamar struggled to understand what he was hearing. Yeah, I don't know how much more clear I can be on that, but it's a city run and populated by wizards. The gardener pretty much just stated that again. So wait, all of the people are wizards? Are you a wizard gardener? Kamar was still sussing out this fairly straightforward, but also very confusing idea. No, I'm a gardener, the gardener said. Wizards don't want to do landscaping when they can just hire out. Do you know how hard it is being a gardener in this time period? I do, because, well, it's what I do. They can't use magic? Kamar was still struggling with some pretty basic concepts here. They can, but magic has costs, and they would rather put those costs towards, like, magic missiles and fireballs and such. Kamar thought he might be getting it, and asked where he might be able to get a horse to meet back up with his party. Well, you don't look like you have the money to buy one, and you don't want to steal from Wizard City, so nowhere, the gardener shrugged. Kamar sighed. Okay, but did the guard know of, insert name of Kamar's father's kingdom here? Did anyone go there? Oh yeah, the kid was in luck actually, a ship just left. The gardener pointed down to the ports. Oh, and when will the next one be by? They come about once a year. The gardener scraped the dirt with a rake. Once a year? How was that lucky? Well, you'd have time to make money and pay for passage. The gardener shrugged and got back to work. The next morning, Kamar was out in a blue frock, digging channels for the water to flow into the various regions of Wizard Town, wondering how a life that had been going so serendipitously well could go so badly, so quickly. Meanwhile, back at the camps, Kamar squinted at a different city in the distance. Uh, yeah, just like, uh, pitch the tents here or whatever. I'm gonna go back there with my wife, if you know what I mean. Kamar paused. I mean, I'm talking about set. Yep, yep, boss. One of the servants grimaced. You cut me off. I mean, I'm gonna go back there and have interest. They stopped him again. Okay. They didn't know how to say this, but they've been talking, and, you know, they weren't really comfortable with some of the very explicit talk that had been going on as of late. It's nice, it's so nice that he and the princess had such a satisfying physical relationship, but they didn't, they all didn't need to hear the details all the time. It made for an uncomfortable and frankly unprofessional working environment. Uh-oh, Kamara said. Uh, sorry, really sorry. The last thing she, he, wanted was to make their jobs more difficult. Okay, yeah, done, bro. The servant said, hey, no big deal. They just figured it was better to say something than not say something, you know. Absolutely, Kumar said, and went into his tent. How'd that go? The enslaved woman that had been posing as Bedur asked as the real Bedur took off her hat and let her hair down. Bedur said she really didn't understand men sometimes, even when she had been posing as one for almost two weeks. It was more of a safety thing. she, the most beautiful princess in the world, had her husband disappear randomly in the night while she was traveling with a bunch of men she didn't know. Probably fine, but the risk of it not being fine outweighed the awkwardness of them discovering her in a Mulan situation down the road. So, kind of surprised that she both fit her husband's clothes and that they had a close enough bone structure to literally fool everyone who knew him, she fooled everyone who knew him, while desperately trying to figure out what happened to him. They changed course a few days ago. She would stop off at a city and see if someone knew anything about her very beautiful, very stupid husband. But before she could enter the city, the city came to her. The king, that is, who marveled. But before Budur could refuse, he invited her, aka Kumar, into the city of Ebony. We'll see Bader get absolutely everything she says she's ever wanted, but that will, once again, be right after this. so i'm gonna put this right out there and i feel free to refuse but you are a beautiful man the king said like you are making me feel a lot of feelings right now i don't completely understand but what i do know is that these are the middle ages and beautiful equals good so i know that you a beautiful man and a good man the king said Okay look I going to level with you I have a daughter I love her I'm old. I need an heir. And lo and behold, you park in front of my city. Your daughter, she could rule, Boudre, remembering the guise of Kamar, offered. Beautiful and funny, the king smiled, complete package. if Kumar wanted to marry his daughter he could have the entire kingdom today. He could tell by Kumar's grimace and sweat that he was excited by this. Budur, for her part, saw no other options. If she went home, she would be right back at square one and forced to remarry. Every day she was on the road, she was at risk of someone discovering her. Here, at least, she could do what she wanted to do back home. Rule. Even if not in her own name. she accepted the offer to marry the princess. We've talked about how beautiful Kumar and Bedur are, but I still feel like I've failed to convey the extreme attractiveness because Bedur is, quote, according to the text, pants-weddingly hot. Yes, according to one translation, this is a direct quote, all who looked on her be-pissed their bag trousers for the excess of her beauty and loveliness. So I think that, given the time period, It's left deliberately ambiguous what happens next. Hyatt, the princess, was confused and offended that her new husband hadn't even tried to consummate their marriage and, after the third night, threatened to tell her father. Berder came clean, Hyatt, moved by the love story, promised to keep the secret, and they, quote, toyed and embraced and kissed and slept until the morning prayer, killing a pigeon for its blood. Hey, it's festival day, so you have the day off. I'll pay you too, the gardener said to Kamar. The real Kamar, a little while later. If you want, I'll take you downtown so you can see the celebrations. Wizards put on pretty wild festivals. They're always trying to outdo each other with magic and stuff. It's crazy. No, thanks, I'll just sit here and do what I do with my other time off, Kumar said. Cry about your wife and dad, got it. Have fun? The gardener shook his head and went off to the wizard party. When you're weeping so hard you can't see, you'll want to maybe stay seated, because when Kumar decided to treat himself to some walk weeping, he tripped on a tree root and bloodied his forehead. This led to, well, something. A bird was fighting another bird in a tree, and then beheaded that bird with the swipe of its beak. Yeah, I'm fairly certain birds can't do that, but what I don't know about birds could fill a book. Several books, actually, and do. But yeah, the bird's body fell to the ground in front of Kamar, and the birderer flapped away. It wasn't a minute before two birds that looked like the slain one landed next to the remains and began digging a grave. It's easy to see things through our own lens, kind of But I do see how Kumar could witness two bird-loved ones Mourning over one that died And think of his dad and wife mourning him You guys probably want to bury his head too Kumar said through sniffles Or their head, he corrected Pointing to the severed bird head But noticed, tucked in its mouth, a glint Kumar gasped And rising to his feet Pry it open the dead bird's beak to the horror of its bird family to find the jewel, the one that had been taken from his wife's pant string. Not sure if it's related, but the next day when he was digging, while having the jewel strapped to his forearm, with the first bite of the shovel into the dirt, he hit marble. Clearing it off, he found a marble trap door with a ring and, raising it, followed the winding stairs into the darkness. So, this is my last day of work. Kamar proclaimed at lunch. The gardener thought that it wasn't his job to explain how saving worked to this wayward prince and how the ship for his lands didn't come for another 11 months, but found himself silenced when the gold hit the table. Oh, got it, you don't need to work because you're insanely rich now, the gardener nodded. Um, okay, several follow-up questions. All those questions were answered when Kamar gifted him the secret passageway that he owned anyway. But like the difference between a million dollars and a billion dollars is about a billion dollars, the difference between a few sacks of gold and countless sacks of gold was countless sacks of gold. Together they enjoyed retirement, the gardener not being at the mercy of the wizards, and Kamar not toiling in the dirt. I've talked about it on Fictional, but once upon a time I administered psychometric testing. So, cognitive testing for Alzheimer's and other things. The most tragic thing was when someone worked hard their entire life, made all the sacrifices asked of them, with the idea that in their well-earned retirement, they would have time. Time to pursue what they wanted to do, time to spend with the people they loved, and then they would end up with us because a year before or after they would have some sort of early-onset dementia. The gardener was kind of like that. A few months after his windfall, he began to get sick. Soon, he couldn't rise from bed and Kamar, his employee turned friend, became his caretaker too. He had a choice. When the gardener died the day he was supposed to leave, he could bury the gardener or make the boat. The only one all year. He stayed back and buried his friend, even as all of his possessions sailed away with the ship. What are these? Kumar, the Buddha Kumar, the princess, demanded of the ship's captain. She inspected every ship that came through the Ebony Islands for a hint of Kumar, and she found it. Jars labeled sparrow olives. The owner couldn't come. The captain shrugged. They're olives, he guessed. I'll buy all that you have, she said, and waved for her people to make the transaction. They're heavy for olives, a servant noted, as he brought the last of them up to the king's quarters. Budir waved that that would be all, and when she and Hyatt were alone, the princess uncorked the jar, and gold spilled out. Not just gold, though. One jar rattled with only a single thing in it, and when the jewel that had gone missing from her trousers, the same night her husband had gone missing, bounced on the table, Bedura knew that she had found him. Kamar heard the knocking at the gate and said that he would be there soon. The knocking became a pounding and he wiped the dirt from his hands and rose. Okay, okay, he was on his way. He had inherited the plot from the gardener, which was good because he had sent all of his money on the ship ahead of him, secreted away in olive jars. And the gardener had done so too, knowing that he was going to die. So he was back to zero. Now, also, he was being arrested. Well, that, or kidnapped because the people arresting him didn't actually have any authority to do that. It was just that they didn't want to be held responsible for something he, allegedly, had done. You have offended the Lord of the Ebony Islands, the first mate of the ship said as he tackled Kamar, while the captain rushed him with the rope, besides several ship hands tasked with holding Kamar down. the Lord of the Ebony Islands, had threatened to arrest and execute everyone on the ship for some imagined slight brought about by the olives that they had carried from the land of magicians, unless they brought the man that sold them. He really likes you. A servant walked into Kamara's manor with more camels. Okay, I honestly don't know what to do with this many camels, Kamara said, sitting on a cushion and eating snacks. He really just wanted to go home though, so could he speak to the king? If you're thinking that it's odd that it's been a few days since being kidnapped and dragged to the kingdom where Berdura rules, then that she hasn't yet revealed herself to the man she loves, just wait. Kamara bowed before the king, admiring his youthful appearance. um he wanted to go home though presumably he was closer to his lands than he was to the city of magicians why do you want to go home bedur grumbled and he told her all about bedur and how he had been led away by a bird with a jewel and that he never meant to leave and he thought there was a meaning to the bird with the jewel but turns out it was just a bird eating the jewel he should have just left off like 10 minutes after chasing it the king said wow the story moved her him him it moved him. But Kumar needed to pay the king back for everything. Kumar shrugged. Okay, he had just been there for, I don't know, a few days and hadn't actually spent any of the jewels or camels or horses and barely used the house the king had given him. And for whatever snacks he ate, the gold in those olive jars should more than cover it. The king, Budur, sat back on the throne. That wasn't the payment she had in mind. So I think I said it, but I don't love pranks. And I will say to tell your unwitting husband that, in order to leave, he will essentially be assaulted by a king, that's not a prank. Kamar made it clear that he was not down with this, but Gurdur, in the guise of the king, said that if he ever wanted to see his beloved princess, what is her name, Butter, again, that's what needed to happen. It was pretty messed up. Like, bordering on sadistic, how far Budur made him go in something that he was not comfortable or willing to do until she revealed herself. We won't go through all the details. The only good thing about pranks is that there's a relief in the end, when it's revealed, and that, apparently, overshadowed Kamar's feelings of discomfort and dread. The former king of the Ebony Islands was angry for a minute, until he learned that Kamar, who apparently looked exactly like Budur, was a prince. And that Hyatt, as she initially found the disguised Budur attractive, found him attractive as well. Remember how Kamar's dad had many wives and concubines? Well, Kamar got his own start when he took Hyatt as a second wife. He sent a message to his father that, hey, I'm alive and married and also not a raging misogynist anymore, just like you always wanted. and Kumar, Budur, and Hyatt lived happily ever after. Until the respective sons of Hyatt and Budur grew to adulthood and both women became infatuated with their stepson. Both were rejected and then they conspired together to accuse their sons of horrible crimes so Kumar never found out. Kumar ordered them executed, but the executioner couldn't carry it out and they wandered the world, one of which ended up back in the city of magicians where he was captured and slated for execution and the other learned to be a tailor to go rescue him. So that was the story this week. It was a long one, and if you didn't know the story behind the framing narrative for all the stories in 1001 Nights, the sultan has been hurt before. And because of that hurt, he marries a woman, yada, yada, yada, and then beheads her in the morning. Shaharazad, one such woman, found the one weird trick to keep her husband from killing her. Stories that never end. Usually she sort of nests one story in another, Inception style, so she always has something to go back to. But here I really felt the concept of a never-ending story, especially with the parts we didn't get to about the sons. You know, I do find it interesting that, right before the couple got together via Bedur's prank, they had everything they wanted at the beginning of the story. Bedur had a kingdom of her own, absolute power, and would never be forced to marry. That being said, she is, I mean, quite literally misgendered and has to remain that way for the rest of her life or else very bad things will happen. Kamar also didn't have to marry and didn't have to worry about succession or anything like that. You know, you could maybe point to growth and change in their characters, but as a counterpoint, Kamar wandered ten days after a bird for no reason whatsoever and then missed his boat. Granted, the boat was for a good reason, but he doesn't seem especially eager to continue being a husband. And Berdur was more excited about making him suffer psychologically with that prank than being reunited. Basically, it's possible they might have been happier just leaving things as they were, with Berdur as the king and Kamar as a gardener. especially considering what happens later on with their children. Next week, we're back in Norse legends, where we'll learn that if your stepmom is a secret giant hiding out on Midgard to stay away from Thor's hammer, it might be a good idea to be nice to her. The creatures this time are the Ebugogo from Indonesia. The Ebugogo are smaller humanoids who are hairy, have canine teeth, not sure if that's stating a thing that all humans actually have, or if the creatures had dog teeth. They have overly long arms and legs, they're very strong, and, even with their pot bellies, are surprisingly fast runners. The women of their people have, quote, long, pendulous breasts and feed their children as their children cling to their backs. What does this mean for you? Well, thankfully, not much. Unless you don't like having your property or child stolen. Then they're a bit of a nuisance because, yes, they like to steal things and people. They only do so in the dark because they hate fire. This actually works to the advantage of the children because, while the Abugogo think human children might taste delicious, they don't want to eat one raw. So they recruit the child to teach the Abugogo how to cook them and, well, it pretty much always ends with the child getting away. The Ibogogo do speak, but they could just as easily be confused for not speaking, since they speak with the same level as a parrot, mimicking human speech back to the speaker without an apparent understanding. I wondered what happened, and if these things are also afraid of electric lights, but it doesn't matter, because they're apparently not around anymore. I'm not sure what straw broke this particular camel's back, or if like the people of the nearby village just had a running to-do list and finally got around to the exterminate an entire species of humanoid creature checkbox. But the whole village put out their lights and waited for the long-legged, long-armed, maybe dog-toothed denizens of the forest to sneak in to steal stuff and confronted them with kindness. They stopped the creatures and said, hey. They noticed that the Ebu Gogo were all naked. It was hard not to. They wanted to do something nice and teach these beings to make clothes. Then maybe they could get along with this village and all the others. The people of the village presented them with bundles and bundles of palm fiber as a gift. Soft and dry, the villagers would happily use that to help them make clothes and other crafts. Seeming to understand, the Ebu Gogo mimicked the smile of their benefactors and took the cloth home. only to have the humans follow in secret, throw in some burning logs, hit the very flammable plant fiber, and trap the creatures in their cave as it burned. So there you have it. The lesson here, I think, is either don't start stealing or don't stop because you probably shouldn't accept kind gifts from the people whose houses you've been robbing. that's it for this time myths and legends is by jason and carissa weiser our theme song is by broke for free and the creature of the week music is by steve colms there are links to even more of the music we used in the show notes thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time