Cinephobe Ep 309: Sidekicks

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In our podcast, Weird Kids, we're diving deep into our unique upbringings, our friendship with each other, and all the delightfully odd interests we still carry with us today. In each episode we get to share stories of our youth, the things that bring us joy, the problems that we face, and occasionally the friends we've collected along the way. If you're a misfit, an outcast, or just a weirdo who loves all things nostalgic and unconventional, come take a seat at our table. Each week we'll be releasing previously members-only episodes on YouTube and all major podcast platforms, with new episodes dropping exclusively and ad-free on beacon.tv. Hi, this is Rob Benedict. And I am Richard Spate. We were both on a little show you might know called Supernatural. It had a pretty good run, 15 seasons, 327 episodes. And though we have seen, of course, every episode many times, we figured, hey, now that we're wrapped, let's watch it all again. And we can't do that alone. So we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll, of course, have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible. The note from Kripke was, he's great. We love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent Dukovny type. With 15 seasons to explore, it's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes. So please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now. Have you ever wondered why we call French fries French fries? Or why something is the greatest thing since sliced bread? There are answers to those questions. Everything Everywhere Daily is a podcast for curious people who want to learn more about the world around them. Every day you'll learn something new about things you never knew you didn't know. 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As I was thinking about banking episodes and doing Hall of Fame, I said, but if we keep doing that, when are we going to get the cold open montage, man? Oh no. Because that one's a banger, man. How are you going to get your cold opens? It is pretty great. I do like that a lot. Only there was a, I don't know, playlist of only cold open episodes all together in a row. No, but that's not the same. He likes them all put together. All put together with the deaf touch of one Colin Cassard. Yeah. Those transitions and stuff. I could watch every sopranos episode in a row. It's nice when they just autoplay. I'm telling you that you can autoplay all of the cold opens in a row. No, it's not the same. I need that Mr. Freeze, Freeze Ray in the middle to tell me that. Absolutely. One episode has ended and the other one has begun. Yeah. You've worked out the dinosaurs. Yeah. He's a. That is. I'm sage. I had to move him to page two. Whoa. Who bumped him suck my dick. Dot com. Well, it was either that or the promotion of we got to break down the script writing. He pulled it again. He did it again. I'm going to keep it with that. Turns out we break down the script writing a lot. Turns out sprinkled in between all of those jokes is some script analysis. Let's give it a quick test of the instruments. Ready to go. Pidafog ruins the movie watching experience for good. This is so bad. I would watch this every day, buddy. I could not possibly be high enough to make this movie work. I realize that we're watching these movies in vastly different ways. Don't act like you're fucking disappointed. I am disappointed. Come on, let's go guys. I'm missing the Oscars. I'm still horny, so I'm not going to fove it. I didn't fucking understand anything. You leave this movie hyped as fuck and chittering. Copy, copy, copy, copy, copy, copy. I was thirsty. I'm thirsty. I don't know about you, but I'm thirsty as fuck. It went out my nose, I threw up, and I almost peed on myself all at once. Forget about it. This is really beginning to get on my tits. Slap, yak, ma, beat. La culla. Nayaki, problem. Hit the goal. Deceptive captions to say the least. Oh my god. Captions are way off. Eliad left and right. Wouldn't write horror if their life depended on it. Yeah. Don't worry, we took care of it, captions. Keep the language and show me some titties. Enough of this useless banter. Five million dollars of heroin? That's nurse work. Fucking Babe Ruth of terrorism. How the fuck did you get from me having one towel to Omaha Beach? I'm not gay. I just happen to have sex with men sometimes. Well, let's take that out of context and put that in the intro. Zach, stop talking. Stop fucking talking for a second. I have a vagina. I'm to support Mitterick. Why the low-raining wonderblower? He's been getting diddled by two scoops McGee over there. Why would these guys lie? Right? Why would you do that? They know two more vists. Welcome to CineFoave, the podcast we break down the movies you're afraid to admit you love. I'm Zach Harper. That's Amin Elhassen. That's Anthony Mays. Buck. Ice. Full stop. My drink. Listen, wherever you want. Ice. Let's kick some. Yeah. Let's kick some ice. Spotify is where you can vote in the poll like the poll for my boss's daughter. 83.7% Fobre. 16.3% File. Spotify is also where you can leave a comment like Victoria who commented. And this is once again, some of my favorite comments are this genre of comment. Repeat offender Patrick Lucere edited this movie. He's the writer and director of Draculia 2000. Draculia. I was dating his son when he was working on it. He seemed at wit's end and said he was doing his best, but firmly told us not to watch it. Okay. Wow. Okay. What was her name? Victoria. Victoria. Victoria. Victoria Ballesterie. No, not that Victoria. Victoria, when we do a rewatch of that movie, I would love for you to be a guest. It's gonna be years from now. How will we track her down? We won't even remember her name by then. She can listen to this. Oh, no. Email us. I'll tell you what. This is what you do. Write down a post it. You want me to write it on a post to note? No. Her. Her. Write it on a post to note. And then hopefully she's a Patreon member and we'll see the rewatching event and be like, Hey, remember I got this posted. I'm Victoria. She holds it up. And then I've got to remember. So I have to write it on a post to note as well. Exactly. Kind of like a Willy Wonka golden ticket situation. Victoria rewatch. You gotta give some more detail there because you can like. Draculia. Draculia. Not Draculia. My boss's daughter. No. Nope. Draculia 2000. Yeah. She could come on for that one and she could come on for my boss's daughter. Whatever movie that Patrick Lucille is involved with Victoria, you're invited to join. I only want the Draculia 2000 stories. Is that the one where he told her and his son not to watch it? Yes. No. Okay. No. No. No. It was for my boss's daughter. He edited my boss's daughter. Yeah. And he said his wit's ends about that. He directed the. So she knows nothing about Draculia 2000. Nothing. That's the interesting movie. Let's see. If he was dating his son during my boss's daughter, Draculia 2000 was about four years earlier. Pretty unlikely. Wait, what year was that? Not sure. I've already committed to Victoria rewatched Draculia 2000. Come join us. There you go. Victoria. Well, it's written in stone on a post-it. So it can't be changed. Can't be changed. Nothing I could do. Unless he loses. Unless I lose the button. Unless he becomes so tattered that it's. It's gone. Reggie Jones commented, ain't no way. I mean, phoed Tommy boy turned around and filed this trash. My gas are utterly flabbered. I'm good. I don't want any more Tommy boy discussion. You sure? I'm sick of a mean trying to. Trying to justify this bullshit. Now it's not justifying. I'm good. It's really. Leave us a review. Leave a comment. Make sure you're checking out the CT five episodes on the main feed. Funny movie. Leave us your CT five. Funny. Listen to this on social media or in the discord by subscribing to the patreon patreon.com slash count of dings. You're not tired of me. You're tired of people. No, I'm tired of you. DMU. I don't do it. I haven't gotten one negative DM about Tommy boy. I first saw this. I foretold this. Why were you stuck between foretold and foresaw? Because I can't tell the difference. What's the difference? Are they the same word? You foresee something and then you could foretell us. You can foretell it disembodiedly. That's true. Okay, hold on. Or ambiently. No, you got to get off the mic and the camera. You have to leave the screen. You have to leave the screen with the mic. Not what you're doing right now. The opposite. Now with the somebody. No, I think your shoulder's stuck. This is the main shoulder's talking here. I like that you're too lazy to get up and just step out of frame. Nick commented the we got to break down the script writing drop. Got me just in time for Maze's performance review. Speaking that in there at free episodes, extended cold opens rewatching, you know what the fuck you get. All right. And all of our extra content across this cat the dings. Who's lazy now? You know what the fuck you get. I got to be posted to keep track of. I would love for McDonald's instead of having their meals on the board. Just say, you know what the fuck you get here? If you have submission submitted reminder needs to be 40% or lower on the Rotten Tomatoes audience or critic score. We started a new century with crossover for episode 300 fast forward through some of these. We'll get to Pluto TV saw us try to pick up some road twitch in our 1996 ass boxers and get arrested time and time again for shit. We didn't do just so we could move in with our friend. We don't really like and said, Hey man, fuck your algorithm. You should watch Mac and Devon go to high school. Unfortunately odd couple too is the first time it's happened in Pluto TV year off of Pluto TV by the time the episode man. So they don't get to watch the hang dog face. What's happening? He's got a hang dog face and I'm here. Then Pluto TV saw, I don't know what the fuck it was a music video about weed as a 30 year old tried to groom a high school student with hidden tattoos and said, Hey man, speaking of taking the bus, how about you watch the honeymooners? This one I got to come up with on the fly. Hey, I forgot to write it. Then Pluto TV saw us try to grift our way through somehow ending up with Gabrielle Union, even though we're kind of a fat lazy piece of shit who wears dumb hats. Now wait here. And then we use this voice at times. You're not going to tell me that I sometimes am a grifter. Hey man, you've been to watch some Chuck Norris movies because you guys switched up the algorithm because he died. That Mac and piece of shit. And that brings us to the 1993 action adventure, comedy, drama, sport, sidekicks, adventure, action, comedy, drama, no fantasy, no sport, definitely not a sport. What karate? I don't know what's bothering me more. The adventure or the comedy? There is no adventure. There is some comedy. The adventure is all fantasy. Yes. That's why it's a fantasy. Sidekicks stars Chuck Norris, Jonathan Brandis and Bo Bridges. Norris had the hit man in 1991, this movie 93 and top dog in 1995. You're not going to talk about forest warrior. I'm waiting for that to be eligible. Chuck Norris stars as Chuck Norris. Yeah, literally in the movie he plays himself. Yeah. And somehow still ass on. Oh my God. Come on. Hold on. Do the episode. All right. Brandis was in stepfather to make room for daddy. Hell of a title. Never ending story to daddy ladybugs and hearts war. Jonathan Brandis stars as bingo. Barry sounds right. Never ending story to the next chapter. Also funny title, but he plays bastion in that. I'm guessing. I don't know if he's the same character. No, he plays bastion. Really? He plays bastion. Yeah, they upgraded. Did they? Oh my God. Jonathan Brandis was a big deal. Okay. Jonathan Brandis was a big deal. This might be a two-megas thing to you. Not to me. What are you talking about? You haven't seen ladybugs? Well, I've watched the first 20 minutes of it famously. Man, I got my notes ready. I'm ready. But I was going to say, I would imagine he's a big deal to you because he dated Tatiana Ali. Did he? Yeah. From 95 to 2001. Jonathan Brandis was getting it in. Well, did he kill himself? Sure did. I'll see that for the truth. Oh, don't sound so happy with sure did. Did you pick up some meats to grill for the barbecue? Sure did. Bo was in the wizard, the descendants, and the fabulous Baker boys. And this is when I realized that Bo Bridges is the Leangelo ball of the Bridges family. Same note to bro. Holy shit. He's talentless. It blew my mind. I said, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on, Daj. Are you telling me you're mixing up preferences right now? Lewis Pinocch is in flood now. Hold on. Let me look at my crossover. Cross over. I don't know if Leangelo is fair. Why? He's terrible. One, it's him and Jeff are the sons. Lloyd counts. Lloyd counts him. So what? So Jeff is Lamello and Lloyd Bridges is Lonzo then? No. Lloyd Bridges is LaVar Ball, who is also a bigger star and more talented than Leangelo. Jeff is both Lamello and Lonzo. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I mean, I think you guys could have picked a cleaner analogy here, but sure. No, he's the Leangelo ball of the Bridges family. 100%. He's in J.A. McGuire. He's Kush's dad. Oh, Queens boy. Meiko. Reapy Defender for Conan the Destroyer. I wish I knew how to quit you. Meiko stars as Uncle Diddler. Oh, I thought he'd be the wizard. He was until I watched the movie. Julia Nixon. Reapy Defender for Rambo First Blood Part Two. I wish I knew how to quit you. How do you spell Nixon, Zach? N-I-C-K-S-O-N. She stars as the damsel in distress. Joe Piscopo from Saturday Night Live. I dallyed with a bunch of different things. I finally landed on Joe Piscopo. Cause that dude, man, Chuck, oh my God. He had a movie called Captain nuke and the bomber boys Richard mall, repeat offender for loaded weapon one and he's bull from night court. Bull from night court. Dennis Berkeley, repeat offender from suburban commando. Dennis let's repeat offender for passenger 57 and Johnny Begud. I wish I knew how to quit you. Garrett Graham, who is the nerd teacher. I forgot to mention that Bo bridges stars as the nerd dad, Danica McKellar, Winnie Cooper from the wonder years and John Buchanan stars as Vince Chalini. Three people are going to get that joke. I'm going to run into the ground though. He was Jason Pellegrini for a while for me. He was. It's automatically Chalini sidekicks was directed by Aaron Norris. Aaron directed Delta force to the Colombian connection, the hit man, hellbound, a force warrior and top dog. Yes. Yes. He is related to Chuck Norris. Absolutely. He's the Liege. A little ball of the Norris. We have two writing credits on this one. Lou Ilar, screenplay and story. He's just done this movie. That's it. And then Galen Thompson, screenplay wrote the hit man, hellbound and force warrior. They got the team back together on force warrior. They sure did synopsis for sidekicks. A bullied team who fantasizes about being Chuck Norris's sidekick trains and martial arts to fulfill his dreams. Well, it's not exactly accurate, but we'll get into it. Is he bullied? Yeah. Yes. Randy. Randy. I think there's a difference between being teased and being bullied. He actually gets increasingly bullied as the movie goes on. Randy kicks his ass, man. Vincilini kicks his ass tagline, a dreamer and a champion and unbeatable team. Interesting. Okay. Two other taglines. Feeling like that. I didn't. The kid was a winner only in his dreams until the kid's hero stepped out of his fantasies to fight it aside, but he did it. That happens in the last 20 minutes of the movie. Spoiler alert. And then Oh, Barry was a winner only in his dreams, striving to be worthy of his idol. Then Barry's idol stepped out of his fantasies and changed his whole life. Still bad. His life was kind of changed before that. Yeah, they're giving zero credit to uncle Didler. 10 million dollar estimated budget gross 17.1 million US and worldwide. This was heavily marketed to, I remember commercials for this big time because brand is was such a big star. I read somewhere that it was called a modest box office success. Before we jump into this movie, you list the rest of this podcast. Sidekicks is available on Pluto TV. We think sidekicks receives 26% on 19 critic reviews on rotten tomatoes, 49% for the audience on over 5,000 ratings. I mean, check the positive or the negative reviews. Well, Zach, I'm a half drunk bottle of whiskey as I'm about to dittle this review kind of guy. What give me the positives. Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me. Wow. Now that you mentioned it, it is half full. Candice Russell of South Florida, Sun Sentinel candy. It's soulful and funny and more than a few notches in quality above the films of those martial arts phenoms, the teenage mutant Ninja Turtles. What Candice Russell, what the fuck are you talking about? Would anybody call the turtles phenoms? I mean, they're teenage. So yeah, I guess it would be technically here. Have to be phenoms. Michael H price of Fort Worth star telegram. Oh, good Texan review. Cops playfully amid all the hum bone, Hockham and Rocky style heroic flourishes of sidekicks. Their hides an undeniable sense of dignity and emotional uplift. Hockham KFB. That's beautiful. Welcome. The return of KFB in this episode made me very happy. Joe Layden, a variety. Scott Layden. Franklin. Frank Lloyd Wright. Just right. Lloyd Bridges. Right there, man. A lightweight but diverting effort. What does that mean? No. Nelmino of Movie Mom. No. Modest little treat. What the fuck? Why are you surprised, Maze? This is right up her bullshit alley. Chuck Norris. This kind of Chuck Norris. A modest little treat. Why is she talking about it like it's a low calorie ice cream bar? Richard Harrington of Washington Post. Al Harrington. Al Bundy. Ted Bundy. Norris is affable and appealing not only while parodying himself, but while being himself. PG suits him. What is he parodying himself? I don't think so. This feels pretty on brand. Like Nick Cage in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is parodying himself. That's parodying himself. Yes. Neil Patrick Harris in Harold and Kumar is parodying himself. Most of the characters in This Is The End or Entourage. Sasha Gray. Blank user five out of five. I love how being bullied turns you into your own hero. Get therapy. Message. Blank user five out of five. Inspirational for children with low self-esteem. What? Get therapy. I had somebody mean things I could say. And then user Shay M. Five out of five. Shay Milges. Shay Milges. I childhood favorite of mine. Follows the same premise of Karate Kid. There's your low self-esteem kids. With its own twist. The main berry whose daydreams about being a sidekick with Chuck gets bullied at school. Starts martial arts with the teacher's uncle. It's fun with great music. Chuck is epic as always. My favorite Chuck Norris in Jonathan Brandis movie. I also had asthma growing up as a kid. I was walking to church and had to be rushed to hospital because of my asthma. That's how you after that I joined martial arts classes and over time I beat my asthma then because I kicked my asthma helped my join my basketball and baseball team. RIP Jonathan Brandis and Chuck Norris. Wow. The most offensive part of that was great music. Stop being a pessimist. This thing is not half full. It's half empty. Negative reviews. No, but no. What violence. Michael Wilmington of Los Angeles Times. Wilmington, North Carolina. Sidekicks is amiable enough even if cinematically it makes cop and a half look like eight and a half. It's cop and a half on the list. Is that gotta qualify. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's Bert Reynolds and a black kid. Right. Guy used to work with the sons. Shout out to coach. No, because I told him the serve about me going to see a racer instead of in the Venice day. He said, I got you beat. I would see cop and a half instead of Jurassic. That's phenomenal. It's in a Jurassic park. Does it hold up as well as Jurassic Park does? Bob Fenster of Arizona Republic. Oh my homie. Sidekicks is so predictable that you could leave the theater, break a few bricks of your own and not miss anything. Renee Rodriguez of Miami Herald. Oh, my homie too. There's a sense of desperation about the whole thing. Norris and brother director Aaron charged with salvaging Norris's playing career came up with a load of self-aggrandizing fluff. This is my brother director, my brother director. Zach Heston of film inquiry. The movie is just a karate kid knockoff too late to the party and uses a vehicle to give Norris something similar. Accurate karate kid knockoff. It's nine years later. People will have forgotten about it by then, right? Karate kid three was out by then. We should rewatch that. Roger Ebert of Chicago. Sometimes the legend sidekicks is sweet, but predictable. The kind of movie where you enjoy the ride, but recognize the terrain. I didn't find it sweet. And then tie burr of entertainment weekly burr. What really greats about sidekicks is it's hypocritical message. What's eating Gilbert greats hypocritical message. Trying to figure that one out too. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we'll unpack that one in the movie. We'll get a means first note, maze first note and my first note after these messages. Unless you are a Patreon member, patreon.com.com. You get an ad free episode right now. Every now and then someone would die. Risk, true stories, no holding back. They catch my mom poisoning my sister. People say risk makes them feel less alone and more alive. During my time in prison, I discovered a podcast called risk. That podcast saved my life so many times. Risk, the show where people tell true stories. They never thought they'd dare to share wherever you get your podcasts. I mean, what is your first note? Barred up Pluto TV and was greeted with said there's the entertainer being ass on on the neighborhood with a high top fate. Oh, is it not good? Imagine someone made an 80 slash early 90s style sitcom in the year 2022. I really like Max Greenfield. Yeah, he's gonna be in the new white lotus. Yeah, he is. And he's great on new girl him and Jake Johnson make new girl. Lamar Morris do really. Anyone is not Zoe Deschanel. Everyone but so Hannah Simone's great. Couple of other notes because this all happened all at once. I almost hit the espanol version of sidekicks. Yeah, they really wanted you to get this. I did. Why is it when you search for movies on Pluto TV, the first option that gives you on the list is the Spanish. Finally, as the credits were rolling, it said gorilla pictures. And I said, well, that's a file for Zach. Look at this photograph. Yeah, my first note is Zach's first note will be about gorilla pictures. Good gorilla. It isn't, but I got very excited. My first note doing this movie with Jonathan Brandis. Maybe remember, I already have full notes for Ladybugs and I hope it's on Pluto TV. It's truly an OPTASTIK movie for Cidaphobe. Just checked. Apparently it's either a rental or on that trash ass public library hoopla. Why do you hate hoopla? You need to have a library card to access this. Just fucking put it out there. They're not making money. You don't pay you to have a library card. I got to go to the library and get a card and then fucking put it into this app. That's stupid. Why do I have to do that? I want to encourage people to read, man. I got books. Intro. I buy books. Next note, gorilla pictures ass off, lock it in. So it was your first note about the movie. Oh man, when you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail. The detail was so rich. It was rich detail. Going through incredibly descriptive details of the story. So we are numb. Oh yes. Now it's time for the scenes. Here's what happened. We start in a forest, immediate title card. It's dark lanterns. There are figures walking around, put it figures, five swords. These shoulder pads are intense. Oh, I think these are Samurais with Joe Piscovo's Kelly Stone and Chuck Norris as himself. Huh. There's a tootsie tied up. Mm hmm. There's a gray hair wig revealed under a hood. May as clip this woman's moaning. No, just for me, not for the part. You clip it. It was a ton of ninjas. No, she's tied up like she would be offered to King Kong. Don't do that to me. There's a very delayed scream when she sees the face under the wig. Very delayed, which is a creepy mask. It's the samurai mask. Yeah. The process, which was looking at throwing star flies through the air as he's about to kill her. It has the same camera work as Roscoe pulling the gun out of the guards holster and using it. We see a white ninja, cucking from above. An all white snake eyes through that ninja star. And then there's a slow motion multi front flip down from a rock. He jumps at an angle where he would land right next to the rock. Right? Yes. He goes about 70 feet forward. It reminded me of retribution. Oh, the physics doesn't add up here. He kicks the mask in the face. Clip this yell. Sound effects and yells horsemen. Zach, you're just talking about how this person in white flew. This flight truck just stood across the room with one fucking kick in slow motion, landing in a fire, more screaming. Rot roll. Please clip it. Charlie Murphy. When he's coming for his camp, call him with the front. He's telling like he gave me some kind of Bruce Lee cross kick or something. I kicked the shit out of him. That's exactly what he's doing. Fucking intense. Terrible ADR by Chuck. Terrible. Hi guys. I'll be right back. Then a back flip into the crowd of ninjas. They all go, huh? The grunts are incredible. Like they didn't just see him roundhouse kick a dude across the room and then open flame. Slow motion is three miles ahead of the field already in this four horsemen race. No man, but then sound effects is roaring back. The foley department. Sound effects is wagging its dick at the rest of the horsemen right now. What? Holy department. Every kick and punch is getting Batman sound effects. The samurai comedically puts the fire out on his clothes. He's still on fire. He's fighting one ninja at a time. They do the classic everybody dog pile the guy, but yeah, people keep getting knocked out. Here comes a second one soaring front flip into multiple handsprings. We get Wushing sound effects. That's not the only sound. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Files. I was going to save it. Obviously some problematic noises along with the Wushing sound. No, no, I got it. Throwing stars, cutting restraints to free her. And the damsel is like, ooh, this new person now I'm more intrigued here. More flipping. Gymnastics is a horseman. They're fighting back to back and side by side. I wasn't aware that there were two of them. It took me a second to figure out that there was a second white ninja showing up. Oh, you thought they had dog pile and they're all beating up and then he's going to be gone? Well, I thought he got out. Okay. He just shows up somewhere else. I didn't know because they look exactly the same. They're the same height. They're the same build. They're the same outfit. The chest to chest side by side rapidly kicking opposite directions. The 360 kick flurry is what I called it. They're kicking nothing. What do you mean? They're kicking the air. The ninjas are flying back. The sound effects in this scene are like when I hit all the soundboard buttons at once. Was always the loudest. It doesn't matter what you put cuts through everything. They all run away. We reveal the mask and it's Chuck Norris thanking Barry for helping him again. That's all right, Chuck. That's what side kicks are for. He said it. He said it already. Cornball. And then I wondered, is he doing a Chuck Norris voice impression? Is this a Lewis pinoc? Oh, I didn't think of that. That's a good idea. Well, don't worry about it because my man bull wraps it up later on wherever I am. Whatever I'm doing, all you got to do is ask Chuck. And I said he was saying this in class. You're never getting pussy. My boy man. Barry is tripping. Remember this is the nineties. He's going to get his ass beat hourly. But Zach, he said he wasn't bullied. He wasn't. He wasn't beat mercilessly. It's not merely, Hey, give me your lunch money, kid. There are slurs being said. He realizes he was caught daydreaming. Kids are calling him a geek and a dork. Sure thing, Chuckie poo, old pal. Anything you need, old buddy. Send this guy back to bully school, man. What is this? Oh my God, he's terrible. And the best he's got the whole movie is Barry wary. Come on, man. Barry wary is a terrible one. Amateur shit. The ginger chick joins in. I said, I wouldn't be so loud if I were you because you draw too much attention to yourself. But now no, but that's right though. She piles on now. She's part of the gang. You pile on, but she went a little too loud. You don't want to stand out. You just want to keep the momentum going towards Barry. He gets an asthma attack. How do we know he has an asthma attack guys? He pulls out the biggest inhaler I've ever seen in my life. Jesus Christ. That is a 44 Magnum inhaler. 20th century bitch. Oh my God. Is this like a Commodore 64 inhaler? Is this like the first computer? This was massive. It reminded me of the computer for fucking Rambo. It's the exact same size. It's the whole room. What a door. These were the golden years of bullying. Speaking of the wonder years, Cooper tells everyone to leave him alone. He said it like Cedric the entertainer sometimes does the voice one. You just leave him alone. Teacher says to let it happen. He doesn't have to fight it. Oh, as you struggling to breathe, the teacher is a damsel distress. This nigga for sure has a Rocky junior cash of hand drawn etchings of her with massive tits. Is she saying just die? Let it happen. Barry relax. Class is over. When he asks if he wants her to wait today, his dad is coming. I said Sean asked in no way she'd be into this dude. He's not. It's confirmed later. Teacher asks where he was this time. Japan. I think you're supposed to be in my history class. He's so horny the way he looks at her. Uh, Japan. I didn't pick up on it. You didn't pick up on it. Hold on. When she says you were supposed to be in my history class, I went, Oh shit. That was the woman who was captured. Hey, I'm from Indiana. Wait, why is she pretending he was daydreaming when this nigga was literally narrating it to the whole class? I don't know why it happens. Barry, you've got to understand there's a time and a place for dreams. It's not in a classroom. She wants to talk to his dad when he's there to pick him up, cut to the quad and a kid in a blue shirt is struggling to jog in the background. Same no two. He was so bad at it that I thought for sure the camera's about to pan down to this kid. We're going to follow his storyline. The flags are being lowered and that gives us a new exposition. We're in Texas boys. Oh, big ass Texas flag. Bo's walking around and some baggy ass khakis. This dude is such a dork. I've talked to him about the daydreams. He's never been a physical kid. Nothing wrong with that. Why is his parent teacher conference happening in the music room? Because Bo needs more room to explore the space to give this monologue. That's right. About how Einstein, Gandhi and Gershwin. Nothing wrong with those people. You compared your bingo child. Same note to he has asthma made up a world where he can be the star athlete, the quarterback. That's not what's happening at all. No, he can be Chuck Norris pacing back and forth, giving the exposition. He turned around. I thought he was going to slap somebody the way he reacted to that. He says their sidekicks. They do things together. We got to break down the script writing this infuriated me. They're not both sidekicks. That's not a thing. That doesn't understand how sidekicks work. They're sidekicks. What they do things together. I said, Oh, you ever tried what being his sidekick sidekick formula. One of the greatest gober formulas ever. Yeah. When she said you ever tried, I fucking fell for the private. Oh no, I realized it real time. She caught me. Wouldn't have a chance against Chuck works a lot and Barry is alone too much with his videos and karate games. There's so much exposition happening in this scene. She says we all put in extra hours, Mr. Grabuski. I said, wow, CT five. You ain't shit statements right there. Is it poppy talk? If it's the pop, who's the one doing the talking? It's a variant. Yeah. It's literal. We can all agree. He might be CT five worst parent level right up there. He clearly doesn't give a shit about his kid. Let's see where this episode goes, but takes a real shine. So it's getting involved. What do you realize is can't be home with the kids around, but oh shit, you need me to hop into school. Absolutely. I got another hour to kill. Since they went through hard times, it should have brought them closer guys help them change his priorities. Maybe yours too. And I said, okay, you're a fucking history teacher, not a psychiatrist. Barry is zoning the fuck out in the hallway. Is he in a coma? What the fuck? Pop calls him space case 20 CB. That is history book, but inside he's got the old 20 CB trick. That's what I asked. 20 CB magazine inside a school book. Absolutely. But he is so fucking gone. He has dropped it on the floor staring off into the wilderness. His father literally has to shake him to wake him up. Guys, it's not daydreaming. This is something else. Oh no, this kid's psychotic. He's tripping. Teacher asks, oh, if he forgot something, she has his glasses. Wow, about formula. Same note. You're going to take Barry to master stone and sign them up for karate. Cut to the dojo. Big tiger logo. Joe Pisco Po. Can I say more O rhyming words? Pisco blow. Joe Pisco. Oh, dodo. Hold it up. Pretty much Terry Silver mullet. Jodja ass on coked out of his mind. I was trying to interrupt and steps on the mat with his shoes. Uh oh, we don't do that. Even I know this is a no, no, and Joe Pisco post. Oh, Joe, blah, blah, blah. Excuse me, sir. He does the Chris Rock. Excuse me. Excuse me. Is it possible? And this girl goes, Hey, you, we don't wear shoes on the mat here. Mr. Ass on. Reel it back in. So he kneels down and slowly unties them on the mat so slowly, but also his disembodied voice saying, huh, double knots, golden dumpster. I fucking cackled. Not only because it's disembodied, but it's such a great line. No, no, it's not double knots. No, that's a great line. Come on guys. No, it's not. He's got a hole in his sock for the big toe 20 CB any cartoon character taking shoes off. Immediately that big toe was out. Let's go post trying to be serious and stern, but he's so bad that it's distracting. This is why he couldn't do shit outside of Saturday Night Live. Barry starts wheezing. Barry's dad tries to explain that his son has a condition, bro. It's asthma. It's not some fucking new thing. It's condition. This is an HIV where you have to explain to people what it is. Is it? You say asthma just came out in 92. Do you see the size of that inhaler? It is very much the very first inhaler. There can't be a prototype earlier than that. Joe tells him to wheeze quieter. Same note too, bro, because I said the same thing. Hey, hey, don't touch that. Do you want to learn? God, hey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You mean yes sir. Barry bets he's good. If he's winning all this stuff, almost as good as Chuck Norris and Joe stops him in his tracks. Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris? He doesn't compete anymore, kid. And one of the reasons, one of the main reasons he doesn't is me. Okay, that's he doesn't compete because I would kick his ass. Let's go son. Come on. Kick his ass. Got you the first time. Bo excuses them. Isn't all there is? Just the best there is. Barry explains karate is a sport of discipline and restraint and style, one that builds respect. And what he says is they cut back to fiscopo who's polishing the largest trophy I've ever seen. The trophy's women. Yamasize. It's a strong seven five. Okay, the tooth area or whatever. What does that even mean? You believe in the Easter Bunny to so karate doesn't build discipline and not in Joe Piscopo's dojo. No, please stop calling it. Let's go. But oh, I'm in love with the go go go go go. I'm in love with the go go go go go go go. I got it for the lololol. I'm in love with the go go go go go. Cut the Barry watching the Chuck Norris movie. Now we're in a daydreamin. Oh, Joe Piscopo. Joe Piscopo. Oh, Joe Piscopo. When they cut to the movie that he's watching and I saw a jungle in my head, I heard, oh, because I knew exactly where this fantasy was going to go. Maze, get that gong ready. No. And then they showed Joe Piscopo. And I said, somehow this beat my expectations. The teacher's back in it. She's tied up. How many times will she be tied up in this movie? You may want to clip this maze. He says to her, I blow you up now, except he doesn't pronounce it below. I think I'm good on clipping it. They're pouring gunpowder all around her. Joe lights it offensively. Is this 20CV? Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to light a trailer gunpowder to you. She makes faces. He's mocking her. Chuck Norris comes out of the water and slow motion with a big ass gun. And he shoots the dirt, which stops the fire because it breaks the trail, I guess. I guess. What did ignite the gunpowder? And then Barry comes out of the water next to him and they both shoot in slow motion. And this was in the trailer. They shoot a bunch of flammable barrels and gunpowder. Please do not clip any of the sounds Joe Piscopo is making. Do not listen to a mean. I did not say anything. I just said that one line. Guys get blown up into a tree and we see comical underwear. A tree branch falls and launches Joe into the air. Everything goes static as pop turns off the TV. It's time for bed. Yes. Pop. If he ever became involved with something, no answer. This guy doesn't give a fuck about his child completely ignored. Yeah. Time to get your eight hours. Can you imagine having this kid as a child, man? You're talking to him. Hey, how'd that chemistry test go? And he's completely checked out. Got to school the next day. Teacher named Eugene is hitting on the hot teacher. What the fuck is this dork? Horny bow time in what's L. Rush O. Supremo. Lewis Pinock. Wish I had my maracas. He's here to give us exposition about our uncle working in her family's restaurant. No exposition. Oh, but that's so stereotypical. Oh, it's like working in a laundry. Oh, confirmed. Do this. She's late for a date. Eugene is horny and jealous. Who's the lucky fellow? Calm down, buddy. It's an appointment date with one of my students and I said, all right, we got to break down the script writing. What the fuck are you talking about? You don't say I have a date. I mean an appointment date. That's not how people talk. Barry Gibrusky and she says, yeah, oh, but he's he's what in my mind. I said something. And then this guy says, slow and impaired. And I said, oh, no, and hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. That kid is hopeless. He calls it child hopeless three times. Golden dumpster. He's also hopeless. Well, no, he's definitely not hopeless. There's hopes everywhere. It doesn't supplant, but it is a strong second place to be hoping that action Jackson drives the car up the stairs. That had that she come to life. Oh my God. She calls him a dreamer says dreamers historically have a pretty good track record. He's reading a magazine in school. Here's helicopters outside. What kind of imagination is this? I don't know. He literally turns like, what the fuck is that sound and ears and sees a helicopter. That's not a daydream. He's tripping. They're explosions. A ninja comes through the wall. That's what they do. Army movie is this. That's what they do, Zach. Stethaly. The Kool-Aid, didn't you? After Chuck is mouthing, look out, Barry. And there's a bright light behind him. We get sword whooshing sound effects and Julia snaps him out of it. He blocks her. She grabs his hand, his arm says he's working out a Charlie horse, which is not bad. She's going to introduce Barry to her uncle. Might teach him martial arts. Oh, everyone hates me. Why would he want to? And she says, well, maybe because his status in this country depends on it. Cut to make him in a hat. Holy shit. I know the audio said one thing. The calls captioning betrayed the script writing to the point that I looked up. Is this a slur? Zach? No, no, no. What? What? The caption said you had to look up if it was a slur. No, what he said, not what the caption said, what he said. Oh, Trump, he says, Trump. I thought he said, chunk like fat guy, like a chunky guy. And then I read the caption. Oh, no, I'm uncomfortable. Same. This is the second San Diego supercharger level. Oh, don't worry. I mean, took pictures of all of them. Yep. Yep. Sure did. God damn it. Mako says, because we're all so similar, which OPE were you referring to? The geezer in front of you. No, Charlie. No. This guy's hitting all the bingo words. What you can say, Charlie. No, you can't call someone. I'm not calling. I'm just saying the name, which is a derogatory term that they used during explaining. It doesn't make it better. Okay. It's making it worse. Mako takes the cigar. It does a trick. It's gone. The name's not Charlie Murphy. White guy starts smoking, says it repeatedly. And Mako is laughing to himself on the air train. They stomp out his jacket. My favorite jacket. As he put a lit cigar on his person comedy. The teacher and Bo were at dinner together in a closed restaurant. This got incredibly romantic very quickly. Did I miss a scene? We all did. It's called needed exposition. Is Bo tripping? Is this where Barry gets it from? Is this dad? You're asking the right questions. She wasn't lying when she said appointment date, folks. They're expositioning about him meeting the uncle. Like it's already happened. So much exposition. Teaching him to use chopsticks. Wanted to impress her uncle. She says he really likes you. He's very impressed with your work with computers. Oh, no exposition. What? Well, can we get a little vaguer? That's the computer program going. Barry told me about it. How did you know? Your son, he talks a lot about you. His voice changes. He hasn't told me a lot about you. I said, Bay's clip Brian Denny's saying, is that for me? No, son. That's for me. Otis, nerd dad, baby, honest something. No pussy, picola. Now let's get some exposition about her family. No exposition. Poppy talk. Dad, dad. Mom ran it. Dad sent for her again. You can't skip over this cause this is once again, we got to break down the script right. He sent for her eight years after he got there. Then they worked here together. Dad died. Mom ran it herself for a while, but then two years ago he sent for her again. The ghost killer. Yeah. To heaven. You don't know that. He says all of this and both says, so he grew up around here. I said he's about five seconds so calling her Charlie. No, go to dubster. Jesus. What you can say? You can't call someone. I not calling. All she's got left is this restaurant and her uncle. But reminds her. Thanks. Thanks for that. Dear uncle, poet and a charmer, teacher and philosopher. I said he's unemployed. We see a dumpling thrown in the kitchen. It hits Barry in the face. He's throwing. He's got powder on his face. Like Mike up. Slap them. What's happening here? And as he's pacing in the kitchen, I look on the counter and I said, why is there a half drunk bottle of whiskey here? You know what? You cannot possibly be baffled by that. Oh no. But the rest of the movie, no spoiler alert. He's a raging alcoholic. Spoiler alert. He didn't leave the tournament to go work at the restaurant. He went to get drunk. They even say it. Fucking announcers say, Oh, is it red wine or white wine? He reeks of alcohol. That's not the terrible joke they're making. Oh, says he must be ready at all times. Calls him Barry the leper. No, not quite right. Barry the tiger fights with courage and relies on instinct. Thinks about new name. Mr. Dumpling. I'm Mr. Manager, which sticks. Let me take a Mr. Dumpling. That's an OPE. No, I think you're saying a variant of the name Charles is the OPE. Fights in the most deceptive manner by smashing the piss of his opponents with his face. Maze, you got a clipped cung towel. Face the foot style. How'd you like it? Oh yeah. Try mine. That's the your fist style. Who's laughing now? Please stop. Wimplow sucks as a fighter. Chiles can beat him. I must apologize for Wimplow. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong as a joke. Never attacks because he does not survive to attack because he is never ready. I get the point, Mr. Lee. Gonna help him learn. But once he stopped warning to learn, I will stop teaching. What's up a bottle of liquor? This is a thief. What? He's drunk. You cannot compromise with the thief. Message. This kid is not drinking. You are. I think Mr. Lee has a drinking problem. He's completely boozed out of his mind. Unless you wish to give something of yourself away. Does that appear confusing? Barry says yes. Good. Life is very confusing. And that is your first lesson on how to be a player. Same note too. How to be a karate. This is the drunk ramblings of someone who's drunk. I'm drunk. Let's move on. God damn it. We will re-record this if I've Not since Gordon Bombay. We had a drunk fuck like this teaching a kid. Blowing the kazoo right on his way back outside. These two are hamming it up. Are you sure Barry's going to be okay with your uncle? And she says, Oh, my uncle will behave himself. Oh, if he doesn't, I'll break his arm. What's he doing on his arm? She then gives herself to Dr. Rivers. Laugh. She sure does. And also, but will give us some exposition that he married the first girl he dated. No pussy for cola and gives us some dead wives position cut back to the kitchen. And now this drunk fuck is saying, how far is your school from your house? This is a diddling movie folks. Two miles. Dad drops them off from now on. He'll walk. Then he'll run. Once to see if the inhaler is a thief like that alcohol or a crutch. Julia comes in. They've got a problem, which is that six dirty bikers are now cuddling with bow in a closed restaurant. Happens a lot in Texas right here. Laughing hysterically, except for one serial killer guy mugging bow. They start chanting grab, grab, grab. I called him grub the rest of the movie. These guys, they graduated bully school with honors. They cut out a senior three. What's happening? We learned that Hank is short for Henry. Bo had an uncle named Henry. Yeah, I don't think I knew him. Golden dumpster. Lee's putting alcohol himself like it's Kelota said, wow, this dude's real drunk. Dr. Shave. Tony CV that move right there. That slap in your face. Shit. The back of the head though. I've never seen anybody do that. Well, he's a special kind of drunk. No one says yo, man, you smell like alcohol. He's drunk off his ass. So you just got to splash it everywhere. They're going to remodel the place. Scarface pulls out a switch. Those are bottled against the kitchen door. Lee comes out with the tray of food pretending to stumble. There's some body voice. Look at this guy. Hank calls him a drunken. Oh, we get a POV shot from the perspective of the tray of food. Hate that. And then he acts clumsy and beats their ass. How hot was that tea? It fucking burnt the shit out of big boys fucking nuts. It was steamy like the three stooges. All that was missing was him go. He's maintaining the charade that he is being a waiter. Yeah. And no one's fighting back. Kicks Hank in the junk, which causes him to stand on his chair and get hit by a ceiling fan. Lesson number two, believe what is not what you think. I said, what? It's drunk. What the fuck? Reminds me. He's walking to school tomorrow and we zoom out on the frying dragon's neon sign. Did not know that the name of the restaurant was what you just said, vase until they registered in the tournament. And I was like, ah, and then I realized, oh, shit, it's actually called that next morning. He's walking to school while narrating his own actions, constant vigilance, eternal suspicion. He needs to get his ass beat like chuck in the jungle. Jungle. Here comes another. Oh, you wear the enemy. No wonder nobody likes this kid. Shadows on the fence, turn into soldiers and non a Jeep burst through the fence. This is not as appealing to you. Those that because it's a wooden fence. No, I like it, but that's not even close. Very dives into a ditch to hide chaos all around as he rolls over by ditch. You mean a couple of tall weeds. I don't know. There's some leaves in there. Yeah. And then he stops tripping. Guys, this is the kind of stuff that you would have. You had PTSD like it happened to Rambo. Remember attack? Yeah. First blood with a torturing him and he's having the flashbacks really flashing back. Yeah. He takes back to them dumping it into the lake of shit or whatever. That's the level of PTSD this kid has from daydreams. He snaps out of, I said, he's still narrating. And then as he walks away, there's a vietcong helmet. Yeah. The shot lingers as the helmet rolls into frame. This kid is psychotic. Oh, shit. Is this a masters of the universe type shit where there's a tear in the space time continuum and now all of these things are about to come to life and then he's got to find Chuck Norris in order to defeat real life terrors and shit. Nope. Don't do it. Nope. Don't do it. I saw it. We got to break down the script writing the ad. A joy of putting it on the board is Zach's paid face every time I play that job. He walks past Winnie Cooper's huge brick house with a white BMW out front. You think she's rich guys? Why is his jacket so big? He's dressed like an unhoused student. Not even. Good. Yes. And it's like Linda Cardellini and Freaks and Geeks wearing her dad's army jacket. Also kind of like early cricket, but Bro Bridges was clearly never in the fucking army. So no, not a concern. It reminded me of big at the end of the movie with Tom Hanks turns back into the little kid, but he's still wearing his big ass suit. That's what it looked like. He fumbles his inhaler. She asked if he wants to ride. He declines. Got to get his heart rate up. Pro starts in 10 minutes. Eugene is the Shakespeare teacher and calls him the Bard because of course a big lecture hall or high school massive. These bros in the back are talking Jason Pellegrini, Ben Cellini Hard Rock Cafe shirt 1993 with a hard rock cafe shirt. You're fucking the king of everything. Yeah. Why does this girl have a neck brace? That's never explained. It's in multiple scenes though. There's a nice shot of all the injured people in gym class and she's one of them. He's going to test Cellini's retention skills with quotes to that own self be true. It's Polonius from Hamlet and then he picks up the skull. Alas, poor York. I knew him. Oh, that's Sean Connery from the Bible in it. That's all they got was Hamlet quotes. They couldn't pick any other. All this dude had to say was Hamlet again. They're in a Texas high school. You're lucky they got the Hamlet. Barry sees Winnie Mouthing Hamlet raise his hand to answer. Barry's an idiot. Eugene with his ass on clutches his chest. He's still in my heart. When Barry says uh, Hamlet. Careful, Mr. Cellini. Your competence for class dumbbell is rapidly diminishing. Boris got him. Oh, he's going to beat Barry's ass. Cut to Randy beating Barry's ass in the locker room. Barry's peak of his academic career. Oh, Hamlet did immediately shits on him. Hey, this dumb fuck's not quite as dumb as you. This hopeless impaired. He throws Barry down. He steps on his chest. So he's read the scattering report about the asthma. Yeah. And Barry's got a bigger crew with him than the guy from Teen Witch showing up for the pizza party gang bang. He's got the lost boys with him. He's rolling deep. Is that Dante Bosco? Watch where you're going. Accidents happen when you don't pay attention. Let me up. Randy trains with Master Stone and he makes fun of his Chuck Norris magazine. This kid's walking around with this fucking magazine like it's his blankie. So where's your friend Chuckie now? Says Winnie doesn't like him. She pities him. Then he tears the magazine with the gravitas that like I'm tearing this one last picture of you and your mom who's dead. It's a fucking Chuck Norris magazine. Go get another one. I don't know. He keeps that magazine and he puts it back together. So pages are sticky. Well, cut to him training with Uncle Diddler and Uncle Diddler is very handsy. I don't know if you guys noticed. Of course. I was distracted by the filthy Brown River in Houston. He's coughing while deep breathing. He hits the inhaler. Got the gym class. They're doing push ups. Barry's sitting on the side with all the injured kids. So they've got a person with a leg cast and crutches. They've got the lady with the neck brace and then Barry. You guys notice what the mascot for the high school is? Yep. We'll get to it. Okay. Now he's daydreaming about the commanders of rattlesnake and he's a cowboy now. They're in a saloon couple dirty cowboys. Disco has a mustache and he's loading bullets. The teachers are prostee. She's not a damsel in distress this time. How the fuck is this where you get to from the current situation leads him to the old West and bull is not in the old West. He has multiple personality disorder. So at least there won't be any racist stereotypes. And then that's when I saw the teachers of the prostee. I was like, Oh, never mind. Lone wolf and little wolf. What a dick writer. It's your fantasy. They're both sidekicks. I mean, yeah, they're sidekick in each other. Randy aims at them from upstairs. Chuck shoots his gun out of his hand. Well, well, well, if it isn't the two big bad wolves, what will you have milk? Everybody laughs. How about some cookies? Chuck shows his gun and everyone shuts up and he orders milk to make mine a milk to remind me the Jack Haley story. Jack Haley went to the strip and ordered a glass of milk. Scopo is hassling Julia. Hey, you give me a drink. Berry grails. Leave her alone. They slam the milk shots inside deeply. Joe wants to duel says he can take him. Berry says, if you're wrong, you're dead wrong. He's flunking TGT school and they are two feet apart. Why are they drawing so close to one another? Is this putty tang? They're face to face. It's a squint off. Berry draws quicker. Does the twirling gun thing? Slaps the shit out of Joe. I asked him if he wants to get stupid. It's deja vu all over again. Does it again? He keeps slapping him. Does it again? Pisco pose about to blow a gasket. Berry turns down and clocks him, tips his hat, winks, clicks his tongue. Pisco throws a booze bottle, snap back to gym class. He gets hit in the head with a volleyball and reprimanded for falling asleep. Buy bullet from my court in Marlin vision. Did you guys notice that? Yes. It was Marlin vision. Yeah. It was not as extreme of a fish eye, but it blends us right up in his face. I mean, call them bullet from that court. Now they're going to make him climb a rope 20 CB. Yeah. Did you guys have to climb ropes in gym class? Never want each other. Climb rope. He can't do the God. I know everyone's mocking him and shit. And then Chuck Norris appears and gives him functional tips on how to climb the rope. But since Chuck Norris is in his head, does that mean he already knows how to do it? Yeah, we got to break down the script writing. He's got multiple personality disorder. The gym teacher also says, what are you a man or Marvin milk toast? What does that mean? I don't know 20 CB reference, but also this caption said milk toast, like milk steak. Yeah, it wasn't milk toast. The way you would spell milk toast. This is what I noticed that they need to change their mascot to the commanders. Chuck is coaching them up. Barry says, I can't. Chuck hates that word. Coach wonders who you talking to? He's climbing the road. Chuck's being a real grooming creep here. Pull Barry. It's all yours, Barry. All the way to the top. I think Chuck Norris might be diddling this kid in his dreams. All in Winnie are impressed. The class claps for him. Sean asked him. Randy is piss world class hater. Anything good happens to this kid and he wants nothing but the worst. This is Tammy and the T Rex levels where they're like, kill him. Kill that high school. When he is walking with Barry after school, Mr. Horn, we sure mean today. I think you ought to tell your daddy. My daddy. Oh, daddy. Oh, no, I don't think he'd be too much help. Why not? My daddy rope him, shoot him, stuff him and mount him. What? At least that's what he always says. Oh, that's because he's a Texan. My dad's a computer programmer from Pittsburgh. Make him mad. He just punches the keyboard harder. This is a tutorial on how to get your ass beat at school in the 90s. This disrespectful little son of a bitch shits all over his dad. Well, he's right. Sharpie, you shouldn't do that. You're supposed to have respect for your father. Yeah, at least not with strangers and shit, man. Yeah. So then he's like, Hey, would you want to go out? Uh, you know, I really like you. He friend zones the fuck out of him. I like you. But just not like that. Heisman. God damn. Fucking Heisman is ass into friend zone. And it to her. She worries about him. The others are so mean and Randy was right. She pities him. God damn. She denies it. He runs away gasping and coughing. We see them runs away like a bingo. Dramatic music. The worst possible timing in the world for the asthma attack of all times. Fumbling for his inhaler. I hate this crap. Get this fucking kid in an iron lung now. Well, Mike's been here on the ground. It shatters. That thing fucking shattered like a goddamn face. I mean, it's ceramic. What year is this? Fabric Did they just discover asthma? He goes full in so I can beat this shouting at no one. I'm gonna beat you and it fades to black. Got to him daydreaming as he's crying. Bull is a Nazi torturing him. There's the Lewis been up got him on a torture rack and a torture cave with chains wrapped around him. What the fuck and Chuck's chain against the wall watching given words of encouragement. Oh, ask the fuck off. Oh my God. He's incredible. Jim teacher backhands him. Chuck has no reaction. Chuck says just breathe. He says you sound like a bagpipe when you do golden dumpster. Okay, I laughed. That was funny. That's so funny. Also, he calls Chuck. This is fine. Oh, he's gonna squeeze his lungs out, cut to grub and an ambulance telling him to hang on golden dumpster. Oh, shit. This kid is not going to be this the reveal of him in an ambulance with the fucking oxygen mask. I was dying. Lady doc has about algae shots and extraordinary stress. Basically, his lungs are okay. Very little scarring on X-rays doctors position Julia and Mako show up concerned. Julia gives Bowie huge hug. We're real familiar with the hugs now. Mako goes in the room and rub some homemade Vicks, Bapro rub on Barry's chest. What the fuck? Uncle Dibbler gets him alone time. I feel very uncomfortable with what's happening here. I've got a couple of old remedies with secret ingredients. I said, I heard Vell Cosby had a couple of old remedies with secret ingredients. Breathe in the fumes. Mako says he was overzealous. Tried to reach too far too fast. Too furious. Try again. Slower. Oh, believes he wants to learn. What's happening? Good night, Mr. Dumpling. Why did Lee take his gown down? See that shitty electronic drums sunrise over Houston. Simple movements in the park. Low block, high block, punch kick, high block punch. Montage makes a fucking run in this movie. Training montage is here. Allow me to submit another horseman, Ambulance Entertainment. Oh, because this teenage child cannot run for shit. This might be the least athletic person we've ever seen. I don't know. Ralph Maccio exists. Well, he just can't move his hips. It's pretty important when you run. It's pretty important when your whole shtick is being able to fucking kick someone in the face. Not trying to hurt stuff someone else from hurting. Takes him to a Chinese woodshop warehouse. He wants him to respect wood. Clip curb. Same note too. Montage that. I respect wood. I revere wood. I'm considerate of wood. So don't tell me you respect wood. Oh, I respect wood, Larry. I respect wood so much that if I had a piece of wood in my hand right now, I beat the shit out of you with it, okay? It lives on its own, has its own spirit, and that's why you chop it in half. What? Drunk. He's running with weights. Weights? Those are paper mache dumbbells. Zach, it's weights, W-A-I-T-S, because he's clearly not in a hurry anywhere when he's fucking running. Mako following in a VW van with a dragon nose spine on the top at the CT5 vehicle, a table fan on the inside and a shit ton of stuff all over the dashboard. The frying dragon van is incredible. Well, don't say that. Got a bunch of old Chinese people eating noodles, watching him. Ousing. Just speed eating. Very confusing. Small bowl to amount of time eating ratio. Why are they watching him? Why do you think? Notice I didn't say why is your dad, because I'm telling you what these guys are up to, and it's no good. He's doing pull-ups in the kitchen next to hanging ducks. He said, how do you feel? Never felt better. You lie as well as you run. I said, same note too, bro. All for the liar, all for runner. He barks to drink a cup. What's this? Be quiet, disrespectful boy. Lee has him drinking something. He doesn't want to question. He definitely has a drinking problem, because this reaction is not commiserate. I said, what's this? You took me for six bucks at gin rummy. I'm watching you like a hawk. I said, you fucking dork. I hope you get bullied. He tastes it. It's nasty. Foolish boy. You think magic went taste test? Then nobody drink Pepsi Cola. If it's magical, shouldn't it win? Yeah. It fucking tastes this. Why wouldn't it? You have magic on your side. Why couldn't it be both? Yeah. Sends him home. No more money to win. Bottle of green shit. Drink it four times a day. Twice on Sunday. So is that twice as much on Sunday or less on Sunday? Yeah. Julia is working her night job at the restaurant. So you're a father for me. Okay. Say hi to your mother for me. Oh, if the magic potion discussed it, what's in this? Don't worry. Won't kill him. Barry pours half the bottle that he's supposed to drink four times a day into a mug. Can't be the right amount. He doesn't know amounts. I am loving Bose 20 CB computer desk situation. Holy shit. Floppy disks everywhere. Everywhere. We transfer is going crazy. Lucca Ferrari says you could send that in one month. Oh, sniffs the potion in the air. Thinks it's a sewage backup comedy opens the window, sniffs that side. No. Barry's jogging. He hits his inhaler. He's ambling in a sweatsuit that would make Martin Loris jealous back to Jim class. He wants to do Jim stuff. If he goes back to the hospital, Jim teachers tail will end up in the ringer. Orderline KFB. We're working our way up to it. Make some sit in the bleachers. Jason Pilla. Greeny tries to mock him gets yelled at by bowl. 20 laps. I don't remember asking for your opinion, Mr. Chalini. I said golden dumpster. And then he starts talking about Mr. Pushup. Meet Mr. Pushup. Barry says I'll sign a release. You dropped dead on me. I swear I'll shoot myself and come on after you. Oh, back to the restaurant. Brian Dragon. Did Lee uncle has something for Barry? It's metal nun chucks. This could not be a good idea. Are they metal or? Well, you're right. It's going to the right questions. Or they have like a holographic sticker around the entire thing. Like a cheese grater. Greatest weapon you will ever possess is self control. He doesn't say lesson number three, but I guess that could be it. Because he stopped giving lessons, by the way. More montage. None talks to the Vic, the back of the head. That's using your head, Barry. 20 CB covered it. Bouncing on train tracks, sending the num chucks around. The teacher is doing Tai Chi in her home for grub. In tights. The kids there too. And the uncle. What's happening? No wonder he has all the fantasies. Oh, claps. What the fuck? So hornily. No pussy percolar. That's what I thought until he hits her with. I wish I could do what you do. Maybe he's not a nerd after all, man. Oh, he's a nerd. He's going to fumble. Mako takes Barry out to run. She's going to teach Bo how to do it. He can't copy her. She moves so graceful. More important to be graceful here. And she touches his heart. He came all caps. Just fuck already. Look on it. My all caps. Sean asked it. Had to bury behind the van. Mako's back in the dragon van. He's drinking a Pepsi Cola now. Product placement. Why is uncle Diddler making all this annoying noises for no one in particular in the van? Oh, what? They're not karate sounds. They're just grunts and noises. Don't do this. I hate when you guys do this. You're talking about Charles over and over. Okay, that one you can do that. I'm just saying that he was making noises. I'm not saying those are karate noises. You're the one. You hit the karate. You hit the karate noises earlier, Zach. Don't voice. Don't be. Mako's throwing dumplings at him to catch. Barry wonders if Mako daydreams then tries to explain his Chuck fantasies. Dreams are good. Even when you're walking down a hallway or sitting in a classroom. I like him and all that. But I mean, is it normal for that to happen? No, no, kid. It isn't normal to fucking pass out on a hallway because you're having a wet dream about Chuck Norris. You must learn to control them. When you learn to control them, you will have fewer dreams then, but they will be richer ones. Is that the way it's supposed to be? The dream world is where the child lives. Diddler. Growing older would not mean growing wiser if that world did not exist. How did you learn so much? Television. More montage back to biking and running around the fountain. Mako throws them down. Not running. Just Paul always expect the unexpected. Barry's kicking harder. So now Mako needs a shitty football helmet. What he's doing pushups above a different urban fountain urban. Now we run. He left his inhaler. Oh, Mako picks it up in amazement and holds it up so everybody can see that he doesn't need the inhaler anymore. I thought he shattered that thing. Uncle Fiddler grabs in a yellow like he's going to shove it up his ass later. He was like, Oh, he looked real impressed with the size of this thing. Cut to watching the cheerleaders at school. Oh, the mascot. Oh, that's when you noticed. No, no, no, they really hammered home there. Jason Pellegrini calls him very wary as he walks in, pretends to gasp. I said, Oh shit, get this kid to Greece. We got a school for him to fucking mock. He knocks Barry down from behind, puts his foot on his chest again. Barry. We always seem to meet this way. What did you say to me? So it's not going to be so easy this time. He kicks him off says to knock it off. He gets pushed. They throw him down, kick some of the face twice in the stomach. I said, this is fucking karate kid whooping his ass. Yeah. Gonna give him his first karate lesson for free. Got another bloodthirsty crowd like Timmy and the T Rex. His kids are savage. Barry does a roundhouse and tries to leave, but Randy kips up roundhouse is him in the face. He's winning the fight. Think Rufio loves it. Your wide angle of Barry landing some jump kicks and the gym teacher breaks it up. Says Randy could have killed him. Randy voice and says Barry started it. Not true. He did. That's true. You got less brains in a woodpecker on an aluminum telephone pole. KFB. Your old fashioned KFB right there. He wears them to go shower. Oh, Lisa's not over by a long shot as he's walking away in the background. Winnie Cooper runs up. Winnie smiling, waiting for her cue. Hot sauce style. She's a terrible actress. Really bad. Well, she's a math teacher now. So I can't believe that was you. I said, get off my dick. Winnie Cooper and Barry, what are you doing this weekend? I said, okay, maybe there's still room on my dick. Oh, Cooper, her being a math teacher now. Is that like the wow bow of the dentist from troll too? That is the wow bow. Yeah. Absolutely. He's going to the zoo. She invites herself. His plan was to go to the zoo solo. Not solo. He's going with Uncle Deadler. Cut to him doing chin ups at home. Shot of him doing pull ups is so fake. I mean, why don't I just make him do a couple of real pull ups? No, because he got to get right into the trip and he and Chuck have long hair and shotguns, mullets, dusters. Chuck Norris looks so fucking stupid. He always looks that way though. I know, but he really looks stupid. This is like them trying to make him look like Van Damme and hard target. Oh, cause his hair is pushed back. Slick back real good. It's not slick back. It's pushed back. They jog into an evil warehouse, which has giant 20 C barrels of smog, MSG and acid rain. Save no two, bro. More razor blades in this bubble gum. What's happening? Acid rain in the jawbreakers. Dynamite and pinatas. Where's that girl? The teacher's been kidnapped again? Again. He's still fantasizing about it. It's never Winnie Cooper. Never. And they're all wearing leather daddy outfits. They are and weird masks. He's composed the bad guy. All right, Barry, I'll take the front. You take the back. I said maze clip number one stunner little Wayne and baby. Oh no. No. I like the fucking minute. Same as always. All hell breaks loose. Some guy with a massive Mohawk is tied up. Episcopal inexplicably starts conducting orchestral music. Guys, it's cocaine. Sound effects are back. What the fuck's happening? He's on coke. That's what's happening. They rolled the kid, naped goon down a ramp with a chair. He's in a lazy boy on wheels that can make turns. I immediately thought of action Jackson. Yeah, the tires are squealing too. Yes. He crashes into green light, massive explosion, slow motion, smoke fills the screen. It's Chuck Norris. Another explosion. Very walks out. A hero clone. Gunfire. These leather daddy start shooting guns. Joe won't stop Teddy Rexing. If we're in a gunfight and I got to be on a ladder, that's not a good place to be. They're shooting the rungs out of the ladder and it's going down a little bit at a time. Barry pulls a bazooka out of his jacket. Fowlick much. He's in a vat of paint and everything is pink now. Yeah. Joe's stuck to the ceiling. Chuck. Chuckles with his ass on. Yeah. He can't even chuckle. He does everything with his ass on. He doesn't even fight with his ass off. Joe falls, face plants. Ew. This movie made me believe Steven Segel. Oh, the Chuck Norris is a fraud. Yeah. Was it Steven Segel that told you that? Wait, Steven Segel, did he tell you to get away from him? He may be a wannabe. I'm sorry I brought this up. I'll figure it out. He's a wannabe. The wannabes are the ones with the attitude. Or maybe wannabe again or something. Who knows. But he's a wannabe that will never be. Yeah. Because guys with that attitude just don't really get. I see what you're trying to say. Now we see that the girl is no longer Ms. Chen. No. Instead it's Winnie Cooper from Wonder Years. And Chuck Norris is like, what the actual fuck, bro? Yeah. Hey, this is my dream. He's betrayed by this development. Yeah, it looks sad. He's an adult. Why would he be going after a fucking teenager? Why would your dad? I gave you one pass on that earlier. Chuck is confused. Watch his two children kiss. Are you sad about it? I don't know. For he can't act. Cut to school. When he's sitting next to Barry in class, Randy wants him to enter a karate tournament. What the fuck? Vin Celini loses all his cool points. You used to have the upper hand. No, he came in there with the flyers and you only want to fight. Let's fight me here. It's a fair contest. Fair. That'll be the day. That'll be the day 20. Yes. Absolutely. And then he says, I don't know why you hang with this bozo. And I said, bozo, man. Yeah, man. You're back. You're back. You're back. Cause now he's back. Cut to Barry and Lee walk and talks position. Barry isn't happy about this competition. Natural reaction, natural doubt. They're at the zoo. Uncle Diddler is dressed like a Dick Tracy character. He is. This is so unhinged. Portis walks by as Barry says he's not ready and make our chuckles. This might be my golden dumpster. This drunk fucking explanation. Look at the tortoise, Barry. The tortoise is very clumsy and not musical at all. What? But it has been said and I believe it. When all things are right, when a dream becomes true, when the impossible is accomplished and lies behind you, on that day, the turtles will dance. Tortoises can't dance. You only think they can. If you believe they can, they will. All caps. What? This dude is sweating whiskey. I'm flittering it. Maze, I need you to clip the last line. I thought he was going to the zoo with Winnie Cooper. She canceled him? No, she's there. I know. It cuts to her. She's way like, what the fuck? The whole, the whole team's there, man. And guess what guys? We got some more training training montage all the same places. He breaks a massive block in half in slow motion. Now Mako's gambling in the park with random tootsies looking over at him training everyone tomorrow. Tootsies. Those are teenagers. He's got a type. If they win, he'll treat them to dinner at his restaurant. They're children. What's the name of the restaurant? That frying dragon. Why is that funny? No. I'm going to piss myself. Cut to the Texas open karate championship. It's legit less than three minutes since he got the pamphlet, the shortest amount of time between, Hey, there's this thing. Let's cut to it. They cut a minimum of 13 scenes out of this movie that would have made it way more coherent. I was so confused when I realized uncle diddler, he's in a two miss Chan. She's in a two. They have to compete as a team of four. They have Barry, they have Julia, they have Mako and they need a fourth stone dojo last year's chance. The kick connection got second. I fuck with the kick connection, man. I want some kick connection. We are getting a tremendous amount of P a's position that we haven't had since over the top. And you know what else in case that wasn't doing the job as they're wondering what to do. We get some random girls popping up saying, Hey, there's Chuck Norris. What the fuck is happening? Hello exposition. I got an idea. We're going to fucking recruit Chuck Norris to be our fourth. Yeah. Gee, I wonder if they'll get him. Piscopo, cozy's up to Chuck, as someone around him gets a dark rivers laugh. He grabbed him by the leg and ripped his pants completely off. Well, well, well, what a surprise. Chuck Norris too bad you're not still fighting. I'd love to kick your ass. Hold in your dream stone. Yeah, I'd be your worst nightmare, Chuck. That guy hasn't changed. Has he? Uncle Diddler. He's got the best life. Make way. Judge coming through. He doesn't say it to anybody. Nobody falls for it. Mako's going to go recruit Chuck. Julia thinks it won't work, but then Mako smartly sends the hot woman to get Chuck Norris. Of course. You notice is her right away. My note. She pulls him aside because she's hot. Yeah. You know what? It's going to sound awful, but there is a bare minimum level of intelligence that a Diddler has to have because if you were too dumb, you wouldn't be successful ever intro to know to have some sort of success intro. No, all of his stupid quotes. This episode or not going in the intro. Okay. She's hot. She goes and talks to cut to Chuck sitting down next to Barry. I was like, wow, that worked. Yeah. So quickly. Well, she works so quickly. Let's cut to when it's happening. There's a kid in a glitter outfit out there to demo some kicks. Barry's impressed. It's time to the music. I don't know which game first. He does this a lot when he's impressed by something he claps and then he turns to find an ally somewhere. Someone's like, Oh yeah, that was pretty good. He must think that he's having another hallucination. Of course. How does he know this is reality? Well, he goes full deer in the headlights. Chuck introduces himself. Small talk about being nervous before competition. Nervous is good. Loosens you up. What? Tell you what? Why don't you and I go win this thing? Huh? What? Exposition. Then he joined the team. Hello, Exposition. What's the teach? Biscopo lesson in humility. No, no, no. Nope. I rewound it to make sure he says humility. Please clip it. Besides, there's a fighter here who needs a lesson and humility. Doesn't say humility for real. I swear to God. I'm telling you. He needs a lesson and humility. Humility. Wrong. He's got it wrong. Is Aaron Norris the older brother or the younger brother? Younger. Then it makes a lot sense. He's a vangelo. Chuck, can we do one more take? You said humility there. I said, what, Aaron? Fuck you. That's two for flinching back to the side of table. Josh Groban doesn't believe that Chuck Norris is on their team. This nerdy guy was having a time walks up, got a problem with that son. Bitches out completely. No. And the name of your team, team frying dragon. Yep. Gone. No. Well, I mean, it happens in a minute. Barry says he can't believe this. Somebody pinch me. Lee has no problem doing that. Yeah. Then he leaves. What do you see B? I have a restaurant to run. He's got to be back by two time for the women's conda montage of ladies doing moves. Both smiles. Julia is wearing a crazy blue outfit. Grub is locked the fuck in locked in. He's so freaking horny. My God, the hug after she's done. He's 100% goonie is insane. 100% stone dota lady in all red slow motion moves. Did you guys notice the Latin music stone gets first? I regret not having my maracas. Second. Mako is am I, of course. Now Randy has to break eight bricks. He does it and the announcer he gets gone because he says uh, flying. No, no, frying dragon. This kid can break eight bricks. Yeah. A child. Yeah. This kid's incredible. Randy. I've never wanted him to bully Barry more in my life. You're telling me you could break eight bricks. You lose this little shit. No way. It's got asthma. I mean, I got some real questions about brick integrity in this movie. Whoa. Well, wait till they light it on fire. I don't know if that helps it or hurts it. Yeah. I got confused by that too. The announcers are like, Oh, is it red wine or white wine? I said, Oh, damn. Well, he shows up in an apron, tells the judge he doesn't need a G. Yeah. And it's cause he's a waiter. I mean, yeah. It's a waiter joke. I took it as his drunk joke. Cause you see, you see what you want to see. He's a mirror. I wish I was drunk doing this episode. Mako asks for another brick. Does it in slow motion wearing his fedora? We're gonna be eating humble brick here, Dave. Fuck you. What's my note? Terrible. Fuck you announcer. I still can't get over that. A high schooler broke eight. That's insane. How is no one talking about this? They're within two points of stone doger now, but they keep showing the scoreboard with no scores on it. There's no scores. What is the scoring system? This is not helpful. Not since the crossover standings. Have we been confused more by there was actual numbers there? Or what? They were the wrong numbers. They, there was a 90 game schedule. What are you talking about? Maysack? What if they keep cutting to the scoreboard or the standings and there's nothing on it? But there's always someone who's kind of adjusting something. You notice that there's a guy on a ladder. He's changing the event. That's all he's doing. This is fake hustle, man. Pretending these doors shit. Now we get royalty free rock music, another montage, freestyle fighting, stone dojo master swordsman with championship technique. Get the 90 and then Barry gets up there with his numb checks and spins around a lot. And I was about to say, how's he not slipped back into a coma? And just as I said that, he starts imagining, but this is the latest one of them all. Same note too. Because he's basically imagining the same scenario. It's so we can have a stuntman in a suit. What do these moves? What do you mean? It wasn't done. The brand is that wasn't him. It's the white ninja outfit from the beginning of the movie. There's three different shots of a jumping split kick. Then he slips back out of his daydream and the crowd goes crazy. This is world feral in old school against Carville. Yeah, he blacked out. He has a daydream where he does all the moves, but he's actually doing those moves. He is a crazy person and then he gets a standing ovation. Well, let's check in with the scoreboard and see how they did. Sean asked him to get a pool. Oh, it's still blank. It's still blank. Okay. Now it's time for the freestyle fighting. Piscopo's whooping ass, Chuck's whooping ass. He stops the guy from falling off the mat. Super disrespectful. If you're asking me, I would rather you let me fall. Now we're going to fight for real. Just hurry up and get to Chuck beating Piscopo's ass already. You know, Norris, I've always wanted to see how good you really are. You're only going to see it once stone time for their fight. Joe tries a sucker punch the crowd booze. He's egging them on. You're dying at me. Are you? All right. At what point he says, shut up, you little twerp, twerp 20 CB. Kick to the chest, bone and ground. Chuck throws them down, punches them in the dick three times, then hits him with the flurry of punches and kicks. Chuck flips him, but he doesn't want the point guys. I don't know. Don't count that. None of this is karate. Yeah. He's just boxing bunch of spins, reverse roundhouse kick and slow motion. Now Joe is going to take his gloves off and his robe off and a shirt to flex real hard and make some noises. He flexes like he's taking a shit slow mode, running each other, jump kick to the face and he flips and over in the camera spins eight times at least Joe fake spins. Oh, no, he's making the noise. Don't do that. Extreme close-up of his face hitting the mat. That hurt. Crowd roars. Finally, we get an updated scoreboard. They're tied at 36. Oh, it's tied time for the tiebreaker. Okay. A coin flip its heads and the goddamn frying dragon got Luol Cinder. This is shaping up perfectly, right? It's going to be Vince Chilini versus Barry. They're going to have a rematch of the fight they had at the gym. Absolutely. Yep. No teachers to break it up or anything like that. Right? No. Now we'll see who's better. One on one money mono hand to hand combat. No. Nope. They chose brick breaking again. Well, they said breaking. My dumb ass thought that was the real dance. Yeah. Electric Boogaloo. You want to rip off another movie? My brain translates that to freestyle dancing. Yeah. That translates that into freestyle fighting. Okay. They're going to fight and then the bricks come out. I'm like, wait a second. Well, because the stone dojo got to pick the event. Yeah. Why? Because they lost the coin toss. So they didn't get Luol Cinder, but they get to pick brick breaking. Wait, they lost the mean is processing this in real time. I was writing all my notes so quickly. I thought, yeah, of course they won the coin toss. So then they chose that. I don't know why they chose that, but that's what they chose. So what do you get for winning? They got to choose the person. Barry, you're going in. We have Chuck Norris, but Barry's going to do this. Uh-huh. Dad asked Barry if he knows how to do this stuff. Done it once. Barry, where he quit now and avoided the embarrassment. He breaks six bricks in slow motion, then a slow mo dap with Joe beat that puke face. Barry gets up to break seven bricks. He does it, but his hand hurts. Flip it. My hand. I have defeated you. And of course I have. I've been blessed with the genetic gifts to do so. I've broken every single bone in my hand. I cannot. Oh, what? Listen to me. There's nothing solid left in there. It's just bloody soup and bone broth. Mako says he's using his hand too much. Arm not enough. It's like hammer head is hand handle his arm. Come on, guys. What are we doing here, man? Brandy is going to end it right now. Once nine bricks, they call it record breaking, but Mako just did nine bricks today. It's at this point that I realize bow bridges looks like a turtle pretending to be an accountant. Randy is practicing in slow motion before the camera goes slow motion. He only broke seven bricks. The logo for this tournament is a one to one rip off. Like this is lawsuit levels karate kid IP theft. It's the Texas All Valley tournament. What the fuck are we doing here? They call it no break. Joe freaks out. Why does Barry have to break nine? He should only have to do eight. Whatever. Who cares? Agreed. Randy taunts one last time. Going to get a big kiss from Winnie. You're not going to touch her. Barry paces back and forth walks right into a face to face with Mako. I wrote this for a mean. Barry's pacing like Darth Maul. No? No. Okay. Fuck you. Fuck your little Star Wars shit. He's actually makes one to two Star Wars references every 50 episodes of Cinephobe. Yeah. Trying to connect with my co-host and fuck him. He also paces back and forth like his dad in the parent teacher conference at the beginning of the movie. Like father like son. Oh, that you like. No anger. You are here to confront bricks. That's stupid boy. Now concentrate. He squirts lighter fluid on the bricks. Nobody reacts. No one does anything. Why would you like this on fire? Says it'll help. Look at this photograph. The cutaway as he has broken the fire bricks. He's wearing a flame retardant glove. Oh, that's what it's called. It's flame retardant. Crow goes crazy as he does it from multiple angles in slow motion. I'm wondering does lighter fluid fire help melt brick beams or some shit? I don't know. Hold on. Does Jeff Pugh help? No, no, no, no, no, no, that's going too far. Lee and Barry embrace. The dad is not leaving her side because she's right next to Chuck Norris. He knows this dude is swooping the fuck in. Yep. Pisco bo slaps Randy in the back of the head. Wide shot freeze frame buried with his arms up cut to Barry and Chuck sitting outside at sunset on a bench. Okay. Don't know what to say. I always wanted to meet you. It's been my pleasure. Kind of like a dream coming true. Dreams do come true if you want them bad enough. Oh, Barry's dad comes out. He's holding the trophy like he won that shit. Yeah, he sure is. Wow. Pob and Miss Jen's ass. Barry walks away zoom in on Chuck as he stares down at the Chuck magazine. Barry hesitates, turns back. He's not there. Chuck's gone and I wrote fuck you. Get this kid in a padded room now. This is Rocky five all over again. Yes. Now I know what you're thinking. That's enough of a twist, right? No, they walk off arm and arm and a new kid picks up the Chuck magazine. I can't reveal. It's young Joey Fatone in a wheelchair. Something tells me this kid's dream isn't going to happen. What? I'm gonna piss myself. Bot lift off. What? Use this bathroom so I can use just some body voice. They revealed that wheelchair. I fucking lost it. And Selene comes in with the flyer when the wizard gives him the first of two lessons, which is somehow one less than tips on how to be a player. Yeah, I guess it's the uncle coming to America. So I'm getting called. The racism explosion in the airport. Yeah. That's what got this plot going for you, Zach. Well, not for me. The movie. This is your plot lift off. Oh, it's not my plot lift off. I didn't write the one. Yeah, you're right. We got to break down the script writing. Why don't you try telling us what the fuck happened? Plot summary one minute and 41 seconds. My pick three, two, one. Barry Wary is a child in a high school who has a dad who cannot get anyone. He's fucked one woman in his life, hasn't had sex in years. What was it? 10 years ago, his wife? Probably faked her own death just to get away from him. And Barry Wary is super scarred. Honestly, it has a big time problem with his multiple personalities disorders, and it manifests itself in he is constantly quote unquote daydreaming with him and Chuck Norris where they're there each other's sidekicks. And the whole time he's basically created this fantasy where he is going to try to save his hot teacher, which sure, I get that, right? She's super hot. You're teenage boy. You're going to have weird thoughts about these women in your life, but it's not healthy in any way. And it can't be helped by his father because his father doesn't even answer questions. He just says, go get your eight hours of sleep probably because this kid's heavily medicated and in need of this sleep. And so eventually the hot teacher really oversteps her boundaries that should be set. And she brings her hot uncle into this and her hot uncle is the hot teacher in the hot frying dragon birdie, the hot lessons and everything. This is all in a way to confuse this child and make him think that there's some kind of weird relationship as the uncle just diddles him to try to get him out of this multiple personality disorder situation. It turns out that this is actually what I think happened. I think Barry is the kid in the wheelchair. And that's him. This whole movie, this whole movie, nothing happens. He just got diddled and I don't know. I think he's the wheelchair kid. Three, two, one. Have you guys seen karate kid? Yeah. No. All right. So there's this annoying teenager and he gets his ass kicked by some bully who knows karate. So he meets this old Asian man who trains him and then he gets good at karate and wins a tournament. This movie is basically karate kid, but instead of being Italian, this kid has asthma. And then have you guys seen tripping? No. All right. So there's this annoying teenager who keeps daydreaming in class instead of paying attention and the dreams are all pop culture references. This movie's basically tripping, but instead of his dreams being about getting pussy, this kid only wants to hang out with Chuck Norris and save his teacher over and over again. Then he gets to meet Chuck Norris for real. Lots of people talk to Chuck. Okay. Lots of people interact with Chuck. Chuck even wins a fight. Yeah. But then maybe Chuck Norris was a dream all along. So who won the fight? That it? 35 seconds to spare. Maze, you're not going to believe this. Same summary to my opening line. Have you ever seen the karate kid? Oh, three baby one, two. Do me a favor. I don't want to do countdown before I do the scene. No countdown. We'll just do off of action. Just in your own time. Good. I'm not a rocket ship. Okay. All right. Have you ever seen the karate kid? Have you ever seen Last Action Hero? Have you ever seen Rambo? You've basically seen this movie or at least what the makers of this movie were trying to go for. Barry is an asthmatic bingo who definitely has drawings of his teacher, Ms. Chen, with a massive rack and also routinely goes into trance like daydreams about being Chuck Norris's bitch. Other kids in school make fun of him poorly except for Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. She merely feels bad because they're picking on two in a tartar. Whoa. That's not just my opinion. It is shared by Barry's teachers and his dad as well. Barry's dad is a nerd who works with computers, but he tries his best to be involved in his bingo child's life. No, he's not. So he takes him to enroll in a Cokehead's karate dojo. This experience is so jarring for Barry that he immediately has a fantasy where the Cokehead is doing a racist Asian depiction straight out of Rambo. Meanwhile, Ms. Chen's uncle experiences some real-time Asian hate on the subway, so he sets a man on fire. Lest you feel bad for Ms. Chen's uncle, please don't. He is a diddler and also a raging alcoholic. Ms. Chen feeds his appetite by providing her students as human sacrifice 30 under the guise of training Barry's bingo ass. He gets loaded and he gives Barry the pet name Mr. Dumpling. Oh, so he trains and diddles and he diddles and he trains even though Barry gets better at kicking and none tucks and even beats up the bully Vince Chalini. He never gets better at running though. That doesn't matter because he, when he finally competes in the all valley tournament, he never has to fight anyone. Oh yeah. I took Norris's in real life is on his team because why not? Also, what is Barry short for? Bearnold? What is Barry short for? Maybe it is Beryl. Beryl is what I had. But Harry is Herald, right? Reggie is Reginald though. Oh, that's a good point. Barrington. I think it's Paddington and it's a bear. You're not gonna like the other option at all. Is it Bear Drew? I can't even fucking say it. Finn Bar. Finn Bar. Finn Bar. This kid's name is definitely Finn Bar. What was the other one you said? What, Beryl? No. Bear Drew. Was that a character in Inglourious Basterds? No. You can't ask him to repeat it. To set up your stupid ass joke. Racist formula. Say that again. Say that again. I didn't have my phone. I didn't have my witty comeback up fast enough. Who cares if you lose the game? You got this off your chest. I mean, it's just one night of bar trivia. One night of bar trivia is Sankrasank Tuss. Trivia is Sankrasank. Chuck Norris did this film as a favor to his brother Aaron Norris, who was the director. The film was a pet project of James McEnville, aka Mattress Mac, a well-known furniture outlet owner in Houston. Oh boy. The guy who makes big bets. You know this guy, Zach? Yeah. In partnership with Chuck Norris and his kick drugs out of schools campaign, McEnville produced and invested eight million dollars in this movie. Norris starred in many commercials for McEnville. McEnville's book Always Think Big, he states that going into film and producing was quote extremely hard work. Norris was in Houston promoting his charitable foundation that cared for children with drug addictions. McEnville's wife donated 50 grand to his cause. When Norris casually mentioned the problems he was having with financing his new film, Mrs. McEnville wrote a check for 250 grand on the spot and invested in Norris's project. Zach, I need you to re listen to this part. The film was originally announced with the title kick and kick back in a 1986 promo reel by you guessed it, Canon Films. The plan was to utilize footage of only Chuck Norris films he'd made at Canon in order to save money. Well, I know this comes as a shock to you, but Canon ran into some financial troubles and Vision International picked up on the script. Chuck and Aaron Norris followed the project of Vision where the title was changed to sidekicks. Vision was also allowed to license footage of previous non-canon produced films. Wow. Wow. The dream sequences were inspired by Norris films. The Octagon, Lone Wolf, McQuaid, Missing in Action and the Hitman. Missing in Action. That's what I was thinking of. Chuck Norris had been so impressed by the Karate Kid that when this film went from Canon to Vision, Norris agreed to stay on if it was family friendly with a moral theme. And by the way, since the movie was very similar to Karate Kid, Barry and Randy broke bricks instead of fighting in the tournament. So their decision to differentiate it from a movie they ripped off was to make the ending trash. They went all the way up until that last moment. Now you know what? We'll do something different. No one will know. No, I'll get it. Malia Bernal, who plays the women's champion from the Stone Dojo is the mother of martial artist and actor Mark DeCascos. John White. Super Georgia. Both of his parents are martial artists. Obviously runs the family. Alan Silvestri, who wrote the music for the film, nine time repeat offender. Alan Silvestri. I wish I knew how to quit you. Also scored Chuck Norris's hit film, The Delta Force. The music for that film was primarily done on a Sinclaveé synthesizer, which Silvestri also used to score this film. Hey, Zach, I know you're wondering, how did Chuck Norris start acting? Yeah, apparently it was with the encouragement of Steve McQueen. Steve McQueen. Let me start on Steve McQueen. And finally hit movie, The Delta Force. Yeah, I mean, it was a big deal, dude. It's 17 million. Yeah. How much did it cost? Those home video sales. Come on. Don't don't mess around on that one. What video sales home home video sales. Finally, on November 11, 2003, Jonathan Brandis was found hanged in the hallway of his Los Angeles apartment. He was transported to Cedars Sidon Eye Medical Center and died the following day of injury sustained from hanging. He's 27 years old. Brandis did not leave a suicide note after his death friends reported that he had been depressed about his extended career lull and was reportedly disappointed when his appearance in the 2002 war drama Hearts War, a role he hoped would revive his career, was significantly reduced to a mere deleted scene in the film's final cut. Damn. Brandis began drinking heavily and said that he intended to kill himself. 2021 his father, Greg Brandis, noted that Jonathan was probably suffering from bipolar disorder. He told People magazine, quote, his death wasn't due to the entertainment industry. I look back now and in his twenties, he showed signs of manic depression. I hope that anyone suffering can go get help. Supercharge everything except that lessons. I'd like you all to do an experiment on a plan something that may benefit mankind. And if you would devise something that groundbreaking, I guarantee you a A in this course. Oh, hold on, man. You following me? You can't do that, Lionel. Look, man, if you don't want me to have a job, I understand, but I need my fucking job, man. Five horsemen slow motion sound effects tripping training montage. I also have alcoholism and diddling. No, I'm talking about a horseman intro, not your lifestyle. It's slow motion, guys. No, no, it can't be so much. If we're putting voices, noises from actors, ADR, whatever you want to call it, into sound effects. That's the whole movie. Slow motion starts crazy strong. And then during the climactic tournament at the end, the only climactic scene is seen that that kid's in a wheelchair in slow motion. That's I think the Foley work department. They worked hard on this. Yeah. Okay. It's slow motion or sound effects. So Foley work works for me. Just the opening scene alone. I said clip it, I guess. I don't know. They just keep doing it. I don't know what to do. There's too many free intro nose out the mouth. Ass on. Fuck it. Ass off. Ass on. Fuck it. Ass off. Michael B. Memorial. Ass on award. Joe Piscopo as Kelly Stone. Nope. Danica McKellar as Lauren. Nope. Chuck Norris as himself. Bingo. When you play yourself and you still do it poorly, dare I say it, that might be Michael Bean levels. The other two are really bad though. They were no question. In a regular movie, we'd be picking on them relentlessly. When it is his movie and he is playing himself and he's being directed by his brother. Do you guys think he's worse in the dream sequences or at the tournament? He said, humility. Tournament it is. Trust me. I went back and listened. He says, humility. Well, May's clipped it. So clip it again. Besides, there's a fighter here who needs a lesson and humility. Check this out. $1,100 is exactly what I charge for acting classes. No, it isn't. Yeah. Well, what are the chips? Universe. You've done it again. Carweather's Memorial Ass off award. Bull from Nightcourt. Naco's pretty good. Yeah, I liked him in this movie. The bully. Oh. It's Chalini. John Buchanan as Randy Chalini. Absolutely. I believed he was bullying that kid. You're good at keeping secrets. Absolutely. Because I've got a present for you. Secret present outside by the dumpster. Is it a baseball mitt? It's a good fit. You like baseball, that like a glove. I hope golden dumpster nominees. The opening scene. Jim teacher, German fantasy saying Barry breathes like a bagpipe, which means that's what this kid thinks about himself. Uh-huh. Exactly. The turtles will dance. Motivational speech. Jesus Christ. And the ending wheelchair. Chuck was never there. The wheelchair kid finds the magazine. Let me just throw us another nominee wheelchair. The disembodied voice of the dad saying, oh, double knots as he tried to untie his shoes. The teacher calling Barry slow and impaired and hopeless. That's a good one. Her long poppy talk about her parents dying and Barry's desert. So you grew up around here. The teacher calling Barry a bingo after he got the answer right. Precipitating the ass will pin that Barry is going to catch from this Chalini and waking up in an ambulance after the Nazi fantasy. Oh, yeah. Ambulance. But no, it is absolutely unequivocally without a doubt the wheelchair wheelchair. So you guys already have been counting the Chuck part of it? No, I don't give a shit. Just this kid being in a wheelchair for no reason. The reveal. There's no reason for this kid to be in a wheelchair. They could have had that scene with another child finds it and gets inspired. The decision to put him in a wheelchair is fucking next level. Man, I mean, it's not unanimous, Mace. I'm feeling the pressure to unanimize it. Don't feel pressure. I want you to go with your heart. Yeah. What would you say? I think I got to go with Barry Breeze like a bagpipe. That's hilarious. This over someone with asthma. Again, this is what he thinks about himself. Now you want Zach, you take the wheelchair. Okay, Mace, you take the bagpipe and I'm going to do the tortoise speech. Oh my God, that drunken speech. Tortoise is not a physical animal. That guy is drunk at the zoo. And it takes crazy outfit. Yes. Did you get drunk and then get dressed or did you get dressed and then get drunk? You don't have to get ready if you stay ready. Well, Zach, you picked it, motherfucker. Motherfucker. I like that. Over file. This is a terrible movie. It's so bad. Chuck Norris is awful as himself. Quite the feat. Yeah, I try to say this in jest. It's awful considering what happened to the real Jonathan Brandis, but this is a movie about mental illness. Yeah. This kid has issues and is being bullied pretty regularly by everyone, by everyone, including one of the teachers and girls in the class love it. And this teacher who he is obsessed with is trying to mentor him at the whole time. No pussy. Bercoula is trying to goon before his son can his son is fapping to her. His dad starts fapping to her too. But when they revealed that fucking kids in a wheelchair at the end picks up after we find out this was all in his head file, how many buzzer beaters has this been for you now? A lot. I feel like you're on this crazy Jerby Lynn Esk streak of like, yes, I hate this movie, but then some shit happens in the last scene. Dude, I was ready to fove it and that to find out none of this happened. None of this happened. And a kid in a wheelchair finds the magazine to now have hope that he too can be Chuck Norris someday is an insane way to end a ridiculous movie. The hat on the hat is absurd. A perfect bookend. You start with gorilla pictures and you end with that. I'm in. I'll watch it again, front to back just for that. So may as let me go next because believe it or not, midway through this movie, I really started to question could I possibly file this course you can. I think it was right when he woke over the ambulance. I fucking died. I was laughing so hard. Of course you can. Of course. Am I enjoying this shit? It's kind of like crossover. Does it matter if they're doing it on purpose or not? It doesn't matter. I'm being entertained immensely by this. But the whole. All right, here it is. Barry versus fucking Vince Chilini, lip a coin. You guys win the coin toss. You guys get to pick the thing. And then they pick brick breaking as opposed to if I'm Vince Chilini, I want to put my fist through that kid's face, right? My whole purpose of throwing him that flyer was like a whoop his ass sanctioned. And instead I'm going to break some bricks. Fuck out of here. This thing's a phobe. What? I thought this was going to be a green sweep. No, I can't file a Chuck Norris movie. See the size of that fucking American flag at this tournament. I really thought you would say the size of that inhaler. What's bigger? That flag or the inhaler? That was the prototype. All right. Chuck Norris sucks playing himself. Major issue from the jump. As soon as I realized that's what was happening, I was confused. And then once I realized that it was going to be a series of tripping fantasies once again, nothing really cool happens in any of them. You want to have a fantasy. All right. I'm sorry. Someone got kicked into a fucking fire from 50 feet away. He ran out of the fucking leader across the room. Zach, who got kicked? Who did the kicking? We don't know. One of them's wearing a mask. The other one's wearing that white ninja outfit. I don't even think Chuck Norris did his own stunts for that scene. The storyline with the dad trying to bang the teacher who also works at her family restaurant and kind of sprinkling in them about the fuck. Yeah. With no real context there. The shameless karate kid ripoff, shameless, but then not having them fight for the pictures. Zach, the ending wheelchair. I had not recovered from weight is Chuck Norris not real. And does that mean that the entire tournament didn't happen? I'm still reeling from this when the wheelchair kid shows up. I was offended. This was a horrible movie. You were offended. What? That's a poem guys. Make sure you set us your folder file, golden dumpster, ass on ass off, five horsemen, loose pinoc, plot lift off, cock hoops, Darth Amin, corn puzzle, xenophobic pod, count the dings. We're putting the discord by being a Patreon member at patreon.com. Next time we make love, you introduce me to Chad. I thought I was going to get a flood of Chuck Norris. Yeah, I've been waiting for your movie recommendations since you hit the chat with it. I got JCVD, which does not qualify where he plays himself. There you go. I got a movie called Echo Boomers. What? I've never heard of it. Is that one word or two words? Two words. Echo boomers. Patrick Schwarzenegger. No way. Michael Shannon. Crime drama. Disillusion college graduates. Get their piece of the pie by stealing from the homes of Chicago's wealthiest. Okay. And then I got the most dangerous game starring Casper Vandy and Brewster and Tom Berenger, Judd Nelson. Murderers wrote names there. It's from four years ago. Okay. I got some options because I got Navy seals starring Charlie Sheen and Michael Bean. Oh, shit. But my other option was air collision starring Reginald Feljonsen. What air collision? Oh, Winslow. What? Look at his face in electromagnetic storm disables, air traffic control, sending Air Force One and a passenger plane on a collision course. God damn. I don't even know what I want you to do now. I don't want to do these no name movies that no one's ever heard of. Navy seals. Okay. People know that one. I think we have to do Navy seals. I didn't even think that would ever qualify. We do get Michael Bean back. That's exciting. Seeing Michael Bean and Charlie Sheen with guns was very tempting. What's the call? I'm gonna go with Navy seals. Wow.