Our Most Hilarious Episode EVER: Embarrassing Stories Comic Relief!

Hey everybody, welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things. Okay, I'm really excited about today because we need it. We have been discussing some very serious and hard things lately on the pod as we should, but we should also laugh. So today we're restoring some balance by revisiting our most embarrassing stories. I have to tell you that this episode is an episode that I think made the most people the most joyful. We are sharing today some of the most mortifying moments of our lives, along with your voicemail confessions that had us all cry laughing, literally peeing in our pants in solidarity. Our theory is that when we share the stories that make us want to disappear, we realize we're not alone at all. We really hope that this hour gives you a good laugh because you deserve it. And if you've got any new embarrassing stories, please, please God, you must tell us. We need this. If you have a new embarrassing story, leave us a voicemail at 747-205-307. That's 747-205-307. Here we go. Today, we have a real experiment to do, which is so exciting and fun. We had Jenny Lawson on, brilliant, hilarious. Jenny Lawson recently. It was our 100th episode. Go back and listen to it. Jenny Lawson talks and writes so much about the power of humiliation, the power of sharing our mortifying moments with the goal of connecting us further and making life funnier and more universal. And it's so funny and clearly we could use some LOLs at the moment. But also, it made me think of the Brunnery Brown episode where she was talking about how she talks about all of the horrible things she thinks to her kids because she thinks that normalization is the antidote to shame. And it's so interesting because our mortifying stories often make us feel ashamed, but sharing our mortifying stories normalizes that and is the cure to shame. Right. Exactly. So that's what we're going to do. That's our experiment. We asked a long time ago for the Pod Squad to send us their most embarrassing mortifying stories. What you need to know, Pod Squad, is that Abby and Sister and Allison and Dina and I have been listening to these stories yesterday. We couldn't not. We weren't recording. All we were doing was listening to your stories one at a time, peeing. The best. Like peeing. I haven't laughed. You know that kind of laugh that just makes you feel like you're a kid again? Yeah. And just like you actually are not. Who needs a juice cleanse when you could just laugh like that? Exactly. It's a cleanse. It's a cleanse. I do think that laughing hard can be just as much of a cleanse as crying hard. I kind of what I figured out yesterday. So we're hoping our experiment is we're going to tell some of our mortifying stories. We're going to hear from the Pod Squad's mortifying stories. And we want to see if at the end of this hour, you feel a little bit more connected, a little bit more joyful, and a little bit less sucky. Okay. Just a little less sucky is what we're going for. It's a little bar people. Yeah. Okay. So who wants to start? Who wants to share their embarrassing stories? First, sister? Why don't you go? I like how I was, I was well and told. Okay. So I have one that just happened a couple of months ago because it's hard to narrow down my embarrassing stories. So I'm just going to go sequentially. The most recent one was I was on a call with our accountant and well, we need to know about her for purposes of this is that she and her little doggy are thick as thieves. Like he has airline statuses, definitely cared for better than my children. So we're on this Zoom meeting. It was when I was in the process of adopting our dog, Sheamus, from this rescue group that rescued golden retrievers. And so we were in the process of applying to rescue him, but he wasn't actually Sheamus. He had a different name. And she's so excited because she loves the dogs. And so she says, what's his name? And I, for no ascertainable reason, proceed to go into a diatribe in which I said, I promise you the things I said were, don't judge us. This is not going to be his name. We would never choose this name. It's the most pretentious name I have ever heard. I'm mortified by it. It's dripping with waspiness. I am allergic to this name. So don't judge me when I tell you. She says, well, what's the name? I say, jeeps. At which point she pulls the dog into the Zoom screen and says, this is jeeps. So that sucked. And so then I'm doing the thing where I am trying to dig myself out of the hole instead of just like, not digging any further. And I, if you can find the dog, I make it worse for all of us, including the jeeps. And that is the story of why we're getting audited this year. That's what John said when I told the story. He's like, why would you say any of that? Oh my God, she's your accountant. Like, that's the worst person you could have completely offended. All of the people who are watching this, I'm not sure if you can see it, but I'm sure you can. Worst person you could have completely offended. Also, his name was not jeeps because you can't fool me 350 times and I am not saying it out loud again. Because then all y'all with the original name are going to call in and tell me. I think you should. I think you should tell us the original name and because I actually, it'll balance each other out because I love the original name. Same. I wanted to name it. If I had another, if we rescue a dog, I might name it this and tell us what it was named. This is a bad idea. It was Bentley. Oh, I was outed. You're not allowed to out people. This is the 90s. The dog thing was Bentley. And I think that's the cutest freaking name. And I know it's a fancy car. That was just why you hated it because it was a fancy car, right? Yeah, it sounded like a frat boy who was like, I don't know. I think I just get this is Bentley. I want a Bentley car. Not even a dog. Bentley summers in Maine. That's who this is. Okay. So I'll tell you, I'm going to tell you too quickly of mine. Okay. So I taught third grade for a long time. It was the joy of my life. Okay. I still think I'm a teacher just like on a very strange hiatus where I talk into a microphone. I'm waiting to get back to the classroom at some point. But I taught at a school where barely any of my kids, my students had English as their first language. So that's an important part of the story. A lot of them were very recent immigrants. We did a lot of communicating by body language, by a lot of things in the beginning. Okay. I had this one kid. I'm going to call him Oscar. Okay. Call him James. Call him James. I'm going to call him James. Okay. So his name is Oscar. He was, I were definitely not supposed to have favorites, but one of my all time favorite kids. He had barely any English. So Valentine's Day, he comes in, he walks up to my desk and he says, Ms. D, present. And he's wrapped it with the construction paper from our classroom. So it's all like smushed up. And so what you need to know real quick about Oscar is that he had an older brother who I loved so much. I was only a few years younger than me. He was gang involved, had some stuff going on. But you would take such good care of Oscar and like bring him to school. Oscar was always stealing shit from his brother. So I opened this construction paper present and it's this very thick gold chain, like a rope gold chain, like heavy, heavy, heavy gold chain. It has this huge medallion on it. And the medallion says, number one, sex machine. Number one sex machine. Okay. Now he, Oscar, I'm looking at this gold chain. Oscar is looking up at me with the most sweet, I mean, just precious, like she's going to love this. She probably loves gold. The more gold, the better. He doesn't know what the hell this thing says, right? It's coming from this. She loves letters. She looks at all these letters. She likes numbers. She likes letters. Right. So then Oscar says, are you going to wear it? You're going to wear it, right, Misty? You bet your number one sex machine ass I'm going to wear it. Exactly. Nobody looks at us, you guys, and says, no, I'm not wearing this. So I did walk from my classroom down to PE and then to the cafeteria with my teacher dress on, my little ducklings behind me, Oscar proud as shit with a gold chain that says, number one sex machine through an elementary school. Okay. And, you know, the teachers who are my friends in the hallway were looking at me like huge eyes, and I was just like, dagger eyeing them. Like I dare you, you just, just look away. Just look away. They knew it was true. But in the irony of number one sex machine being my gift. That's what we should have called silent sex. Exactly. Number one sex machine. Oh my God. I just thought of another one. Okay. What? So when I was working at the law firm, there was this huge case that came up and there were like boxes and boxes of documents that we had to review for the court case. And it was too sensitive to even send by a courier. So they sent me over to the client's office to pick up these many, many boxes of documents. It was like a really big deal. I was like, oh, I'm being trusted with this very, you know, confidential, important thing. It was only like a mile away from my office. So I get in my car, I drive over to the client's office, walk in, meet the general counsel. He's very nervous about all of these things that are happening. I'm like, don't worry, you're in great hands. We're going to take care of you. I have this huge dolly, like one of those not like hand dollies, but the big life flat has two sides dollies. And I have to take all these very sensitive documents and stack them on the big dolly. There's like 15 bankers boxes worth of documents. I have to take the elevator back down to the parking lot. I'm like, rest assured, you're in the best hands possible. You can trust us. Okay. And I get to the parking lot and I'm like, um, I can't find my car. That's odd. So I'm just, I'm like, I'll go look for my car, but I can't leave the dolly. And right, because it's a bit, it's very important. So I'm rolling this giant dolly through the parking lot and I can't find my fucking car. It's not there. And I have to go all through the five levels of the parking lot to look for my car with this giant ass dolly. I am seeing people like over and over again as I go up with the dolly, down with the dolly, up with the doll. I did this. I am not joking you for two hours. Oh, my God. Two hours with the dolly. I was just about to cry because I'm like, I don't know what to do. I can't leave, but I can't stay. And I can't very well go back upstairs to the general council of this client that I've just told. He's in very good hands and say, I can't find my car, but don't worry. I have an acute legal mind. So after a while, I was just like, I'm screwed. There's nothing I can do. I can't call my law firm and say, thanks for trusting me with this case. Can you come help me find my car? Dude, where's my car? I just keep doing it. I just keep going up and down and up and down and up and down three hours later. I'm not joking. The elevator comes down to the garage. Who steps off the elevator? The general council of the company. Steps off the elevator. And I am going home for the day. I am standing with the dolly that he has left me with three hours prior with no explanation as to how and why this would possibly be the case. Oh, no. And I just had to make some shit up. Like, yeah, I just got to do some legal things here with the documents for a minute. I had to wait till everyone left. I had to wait till everyone left. For what? To find my car. See, this is the only car left. There's no explanation for it. It doesn't make any sense, but I swear to God that thing happened. Okay, thanks. Hiring isn't just about finding someone willing to take the job. It's about finding the right person with the right experience who can actually move your business forward. And that's why when it comes to hiring, I trust indeed sponsored jobs. With sponsored jobs, your post gets boosted to reach quality candidates who actually meet your criteria, skills, experience, location, all of it. So if you're hiring, stop spending time searching and start spending more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes, less stress, less time and more results with indeed sponsored jobs. 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Do you remember when I called Craig, when Craig was married to Craig, and I called him at work from the mall and told him we had to call the police because my car had been stolen? And he did call the police. And I was standing in the very place, the very small part of the parking lot, where my car should have been, except that I had just driven the other car. That was amazing. Y'all are the smartest, dumb people. I know. I know. That is an accident. I know we can do hard things, but we cannot do easy things. Oh, and one time I went to the hospital to the urgent care because Bobby had this situation that was urgent care worthy. And I go into the line and they're trying to check me in, and they're like, you know, your kid's name, your kid's birthday, all the things to look him up. I give him all the information. They're like, he's not in our system. I'm like, yes, he is in your system. He was born here like two years ago. Check your system. This child was born in this hospital and they're taking so long and they're saying he's not in here and now I'm getting pissed, right? Because this is the urgent part of urgent care. We need to get in there. It's not just care. Right. I'm not looking for care at your general convenience. It's just for care. I'm looking for urgent care. So there's this whole line behind me. I'm getting very upset. Get your shit in a pile of people. The people behind me are like, yeah, this is, I mean, why isn't he in the system if he was born here? And I'm like, yeah. So I'm getting a little vocal and they keep looking. They keep looking. Anyway, they finally find him and I'm like, well, thank you. At which point they announced to me and the whole line, because obviously they're very annoyed too, that that is not in fact my son's birthday. Oh, my God. And that is why they couldn't find him because they didn't know his birthday. Wrong info. That's so embarrassing. It is embarrassing. I have a doctor story. So one time when Chase was a baby, he was teeny tiny. He started to get this wild rash on his face. And every once in a while, actually be on his hands too. And it was like orange, like this orange rash and it would go away and come back, go away and come back. And I was very concerned about it. And so I finally could not figure out what it was. So I took him to the doctor. So I'm in the doctor's office and I'm standing there with the baby. I'm showing him. He's examining the orange face. I'm like, what could this be? Doctors kind of looking at me strange, whatever. The doctor leaves, the doctor comes back and he looks very kind of embarrassed. And I'm like, what's, oh God, what's happening? And he looks at Chase's face and then he looks at me and he says, I just, I want to ask you a question. Do you, it looks like from your appearance that it's possible that you might go to a tanning salon? Do you, do you buy any tan spray tan? Do you use that spray tan? And I'm just like, it's not, I'm not computing. I'm like, why in the fuck is this guy judging me for going to the doctor? Can we focus on the kid? I have a young baby. I'm doing whatever it takes. All right, whatever it takes to survive is what I'm doing. And the spray tanning is the least of my problems if you must know the truth. So he goes, because the spray comes off like the orange on your skin. I was breastfeeding Chase. I was dying my child's face from my boob with spray tan. I know what he was doing when he left the room. He had to go talk to the other nurses and be like, she's infected her child with spray tan orange. He's like, you know that orange chick that just walked in? You're not going to believe this shit. She's like, you know, see that fluorescent orange that's around your kid's mouth? Have you noticed that it's the same hue of fluorescent orange that you are? Right. So I laughed and I'm like, so Craig, here's the deal. Our kid's just going to be orange for a while. I'm not ready to stop. So, but we don't have to worry about it. Well, this is a good segue because this is kind of like we're now easing into body functions, body parts of mortifying stories. And we're going to hear, I think, a few of them in voicemails from pod squadders. But mine happened when I was about 14 years old. I got off the bus. Oh God, she's going to die. And you know, I didn't like to go number two at school. Like many of us don't. We got to be in the comfort of our own home. We got our own specific toilet in the house that we like to go to. And at 14 years old, I was just assuming it was going to be like any old day. But this day, for some reason, my bowels got moving faster than normal. And so as I was walking home from the bus stop, I lived on a cul-de-sac. And it was maybe a couple hundred yards walk to my house. I thought, well, I really got to go. And I can't run because I got to go so bad. So, Yes, that's the catch 22 on the number two. Yeah, I can't run. And so what ends up happening, long story short is I shit my pants. I shit like full on shit in my undies. But it wasn't like dire die shit. It was like big poo. Oh my God, we're getting so specific. And so I go back. That's better. Yeah, I go back. I waddle into the house and try to get upstairs as fast as possible. And I go into my bathroom and I get the poo in the toilet. I flush it, but that doesn't like clean up the whole problem. Right. And I didn't feel like I was just going to throw it away. And so the mortifying part of the story, that was not it. It's not even shit in my pants. I don't care about that. It's that I threw my poopyed undies into the wicker trash basket in my bedroom, not even the bathroom. And so my cousin who was living with us at the time, who was living in my bedroom, we had two little beds in there. She calls me out on it when she gets home because my room smells like actual poo because it's a wicker basket. There's not even a plastic liner in it. You put it, you just put it in an open air situation. You're like, that should do it. I'm good. She goes, Abby, I have a question for you. And I think to this day we still have never talked about it. Abby, I have a question for you. Did you poop in your underwear and then you throw them out in the wicker basket? And I was like, no. To your grave. I was like, no. Take it to the grave. I don't know what it is. She's like, but you're underwear. I know what your underwear looks like. I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. This is a case for the FBI. Abby's finally admitting it was her underwear. It was. I pooed in my pants. I couldn't make it back. Okay. It's happened all the time. I know. And you know when you get closer, the urge gets worse. It happens all the time. It does. Let you who has not pooped your pants for the first time. Do you remember, sister, when you, I'm just, I'm having so many mortifying flashes right now. It's just all coming back to me. It's all coming back to me now. Do you remember when you were driving home from high school? Yes. And in the Cressida, in the Cressida that we used to start with a screwdriver. That none of my friends parents would let them drive in because they had sense. And it was like a death trap. Yes. Yes, it was. But remember when you just, you just got stuck in traffic and you just, No, I was just stuck in traffic. You just sat in the front seat and just peed. Like peed. I just did the whole thing. Full on. Full on pee. Gosh. What? Gosh, pee. Yeah. Well, I was driving home and I did the calculus. I was driving home from school and there was just zero chance that I was going to make it home. Right. In time. It was just, and so I just, I just peed. But quick. I just fell on. Just full peed. Did you think you could just pull off the road real quick? No, here's the problem. Here's the problem. So the high school got out, right? And it was one route out of the high school. Right. Everyone's leaving on the same road. There's no way around the situation. It was like high schoolers in front of me, high schoolers behind me. There's not like a inconspicuous place to stop. Like I thought about it. I'm like, I could pull over and no gas station or anything. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. And like getting to a gas station was beyond the pale. I only lived half a mile from the high school. I couldn't even wait half a mile. She pulled on. I pulled on. Like the amount of pee that goes in the toilet is what went in the crescent. Not just like a dribble. Cause you can't stop. And then the weirdest part is that you're looking. So it's like a, it's like a mullet where it's like business in the front party. It was like half of my body looked normal. I'm like waving to people like, hi, I have a great night. See you tomorrow. But the other half of me is just gush pissing all over my car. And I'm like, how weird that none of these people know I'm pissing myself right now. What did your parents say? Did you tell Bubba and Tisha? I remember telling me we probably didn't even know. I'm sure I didn't. I just, and also it's not like the crest, it could be damaged. I probably just let it air out and got back. Yeah, that was like the cleanest part. Oh my gosh. All right. I'm going to tell my pee story and maybe even my poo story. You have a, I need a story. You have a poo story. Can you start with that? No. Okay. So they all have to do with my one long-term ex-boyfriend. We're going to call him Joe. Okay. The first time I was very drunk. Also, all of the other times for seven years. Every time, including the first. Yeah. Yeah. Super drunk. Okay. And so it was in college. I slept over at his house for the first time. And so I woke up at like 11 or something. And Jeeps was not in bed anymore. And the reason that Jeeps was not in bed is because I had pissed like, like it was like I was on a water bed. Like I was in the middle of a pond. It was like, it was like you were in the Cressida. Yeah. It was like I was in the Cressida. Okay. I had peed everywhere. And then I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. And I was still kind of drunk. And so I real quick just gathered up all of the sheets and the blankets from the bed. And I just stole all of them. I just walked from his house all the way to my dorm. So it was like the middle of the day. And I was walking through with like my heels and my black leather pants and like a shit ton of sheets. Yellow stained sheets. Cause you know, after a night of drinking that shit's so high rated. So it's like neon yellow. There had just never been a walk of shame that was more shameful. You know, just picturing you in your tube top where everyone's going out for brunch and you was carrying a comforter. Yeah. Comforter and sheets. And then his whole fraternity called me puddles for like an entire year. Rightfully so. Rightfully so. If you pissed in the bed, I'd call you puddles. Yeah. Okay. And then just I'm going to tell the poo story just because I feel like this is I'm, I'm, it feels just for a little background though. I don't and never have farted in front of Glennon before. No, no, yes. Because she wants to keep some things a mystery and that's one of them. The mystery that maybe your person who doesn't fart. Look, you mean the lie? She wants to keep the lie. She wants to, she wants to stay attracted to me because she sees as a farter. I think that she deems us less attractive. So we don't talk about poop stories or fart stories. We don't talk about far. You guys, I have issues with body stuff like bodily. Oh, yeah. That's so odd. I know, but isn't this sister, what do you have to say about, about women who have issues with body stuff? Oh, Abby, I'm so glad you asked. Okay. Let's do our little, our little five minutes of feminists. Wow. And then we're gonna get to Glennon shit. It's woohoo. It's woohoo. Let's go. Let's go. You feminist killjoy. Okay. Okay. So here's the deal. Mortification. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Original term is the Latin word meaning to put to death. Wow. This is literally it's still in mortal. Okay. Yes. Mortal. Exactly. Okay. Still in medical terms, mortification refers to the death of one part of your body while another part is still alive. So it's necrosis, right? Where like, maybe your hand, but maybe necrosis. She says it like that's an, that's an everyday word that we'll all know. So, and this is the reason why when you have a mortifying situation, you feel like part of you has died. Yes. I am dead because this happened. I am now dead and I actually regret the fact that the rest of me is still alive because I have to keep living in this untenable situation that I've created. Exactly, right. Yeah. Continue. But in, in Christianity, mortification, it's a whole Christian tenant that is the mortification of sins and the flesh, right? I stay with me. I'm getting, I'm getting there. Okay. Okay. So it's this concept of self-denial. You put to death the deeds of the body in you to repent for your sins. So that self-denial, the discipline, it's the fasting, it's the abstinence from sex. It's even in its most extreme form, the self-flagellation, whipping yourself. This is all wearing hair shirts. They used to wear hair shirts to punish themselves. Exactly. This is all mortification of the flesh. Okay. And that sounds absolutely insane. Right. But how is that different from what we do, especially as women, I'm looking at Euclidon, when there are natural deeds of the body, like the farting and the pooping and the peeing, all 100% natural of the flesh. For some reason, we deny self-denial that they're a part of life. And when they show up, we proceed to self-flagellate from being so evil as to let our bodies do what they do. Oh my God. That's why everyone's most embarrassing stories are about, like, pooping or periods or farting or peeing, and they're all just totally natural. So farting and pooping and the discussion of that is an actual act of feminism. This is what you're saying, sister. I am saying that the body does what the body does. And if you have shame around the body or self-denial, like for example, that your partner farts, then it's possible that you are trying to put to death what the body does, which how is that any different from the self-denial? I feel like people are going to be so mad at me about this one. I think they forgive me for lying things, but I think they're going to be really mad at me for not letting you fart. And I just want to say to the pod squad, I don't need you to be on Abby's side about it. I know, I know, I know, and I'm working on being less mortified about having a body. That's what my whole eating shit is. And it's not about a shape of a body. It's about having a body. I'm mortified at these things we live inside of. I would have, I would have designed them better. Okay, go on with your poop story. It's not about them being better. It's about you being okay with them. I know, I know. All right. But I'm just saying why with all the farting and the pooping. Okay. Why not? I'm saying why not? So I'm away. Why not? I'm away with Jeeves years later. Dammit, I was hoping so bad that this is a story that I was involved in. No, and I've never told you the story. She hasn't pooped, then she met you, Abby. But I want you to know that I don't, I don't want to talk about the story after the podcast. I don't want you to bring it up again. I don't want it to be part of our familial canon. Okay. I just, I want to tell it one time and then I want to, it's the cone of pod boundaries. Right. It's just the three of us and several million people. That's it. That's where I most come from. Okay. So I'm on vacation with Jeeves's family. Jeeves's family is very fancy. I am in a hotel room. We've have all different hotel rooms. Jeeves and I have our own hotel room. I have never admitted to pooping to Jeeves. This is not something that he knows that I do. Okay. Also to know Jeeves is very gross. Jeeves had no problem pooping. Anyway, anyway, I had to poop. Okay. So, which is hard for you on trips. Yeah. Super hard. So I go into the bathroom and I poop and I come out and I sit down on the couch. And then Jeeves, it's a very small hotel room. Jeeves's whole family comes in because we're all going out to dinner together. So there's like seven people in this room. Jeeves's mom, Jeeves's dad, Jeeves, all his little brothers and sisters. He's got this teenage brother. His teenage brother walks into the bathroom. We're all dressed up, ready to go. His little brother busts open the bathroom and goes, oh my God, who took this humongous shit? Left to float. I fucking forgot to flush the goddamn toilet. And Jeeves looks at me and Jeeves is not the type to take one for the team. Okay. That is not Jeeves. Jeeves looks at me with the most joy I've ever seen on his face before after. Because he wants to go look at it. No, because he's so excited that this has happened to me. Right? He delights in your mortification and he just goes, it was her. She shit. She shit. And then all the family just stared at me and I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating so much. I can't, I had no idea how to, I didn't say any words. I just stared at everyone. There was no ending to this moment. No. And truly 80% of me died and the 20% shell of me had to leave that room and go to dinner with those people. Maybe this is what the real issue stems from. This is the trauma, the poop trauma. She did it. She did it. So did you watch the, how did the poop go down? What happened? I don't know, baby. I don't know. I just, I went, she blacked out after that. Yeah. I just, I mean, good job on taking a big shit. Thanks. Go bigger, go home. Wow. Yeah. I'm excited that I made it through that story and that time of my life. I've never been great at winding down. My brain hits the pillow and suddenly decides it's the perfect time to replay the day, play in tomorrow and spiral a little just for fun. So lately I've been experimenting with small cues that tell my body, okay, baby, we're done for the day. One thing that's unexpectedly made an actual nighttime ritual out of my skincare is Osea's dream collection. And the whole experience feels less like doing skincare and more like a signal to slow down. At night, I use their dream night serum and dream night cream. And the texture alone makes me relax. They also have a dream bio retinal body serum that I've been loving. 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These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Do you guys want to hear some um yeah I smell. Let's do some voicemails. Okay let's do it. Hello I'm calling to share a mortifying embarrassing story. When I was 19 I had an internship at the Met Opera Guild in Manhattan and I went out with a co-worker. I never really drank before and got really really drunk and she put me on a subway train to send me home at about like 3am. I was the only one on the train and I was sitting there just concentrating so I didn't miss my stop. There was one of those ad posters in the train right across from me and I was reading it. There was a picture of a woman in like a sweater looking for Lauren out of window and the text said someone on this train has lupus and I read it and I looked around and I was the only one on the train and I decided that it was me. I was doing it here so you mean I have lupus and I was so concerned that I like called my roommate at the time and his mom and some folks that I worked with and looked messages on office so I'm letting everyone know that I had lupus. Obviously did not but good time. Someone on this train has lupus. She looks around and there's no one else that can change. Oh my god it's me. She called her friends. And instead her co-workers. She called her co-workers at 2am and left them voicemails that she had that the train just informed her not to know so with lupus. The train diagnosed her. Oh my god I love her so much. Oh god. And I love I was just concentrating so I didn't miss my stop. I relate to that part too. Oh god yes. I just tell myself. I just tell myself. I know I concentrate as much as a person who can't concentrate because they're messed up. Oh my god. Okay that was amazing. All right let's hear from Mikayla. Oh that was good. My name is Mikayla. I was dating a man who was in the army. He brought me to an army ball and there is a segment of this ball where everyone stands up and raises a glass and the commissioner of the ball they stand up there and they say a bunch of toasts and you have dedicated responses in your program to these toasts. So for example the commissioner might say I propose a toast to the USA and everyone says to the USA and then there might be one that says I propose a toast to Field Artillery and everyone says the king of battle. So there's all these responses and they're written in your program. So I'm standing I'm holding my glass. I am running through these responses that and a thousand feeling so confident loving this feeling like a part of something so cool supporting our armed forces and loving it. We get to the last toast and the commissioner says a toast to our fallen comrades and I scream out moment of silence because I was reading the responses in the program and probably 1500 people in this ballroom looked at me with such disgust and dismay because not only had I suspected all of our fallen comrades I was truly just an idiot reading out the words moment of silence so proudly so proud of myself for going through these toasts so well. So that moment haunts me for this day. We love you more Mikaela. Moment of silence. That's something I would have done. I agree with that. I would have done that. Yes. I'm very like I would love the order of it all reading. I've got a goal. I've got a job. There's one more response and I would have also said begins now. Moment of silence begins now. That's good. Oh that's really good. Can you it's not good. It would not have covered. Yeah because I mean you could pretend that that was your job to announce the moment of silence. Yeah or at least acknowledge the random lady who's dressed up at table 38. That's her job. I don't think so. Moment of silence. Also moment of silence. Can we just imagine the 1500 people turning and looking at this woman who has just screamed at the top of her lungs moment of silence. Oh god. I don't know why but I would have I would have paid a lot of money to see that. Me too. To see that in real life. I would have paid a lot of money to see something like that. I love seeing other people in their mortifying moments for some reason. Is there like some science behind that? Well I think it's gratitude. I love when people like add really moments like that to to like rigid things when like humanity and humor and absurdity get inserted accidentally into rigid situations. Yeah like when people fall. Okay. When people fall down in the airport I just cannot love it more. Obviously no injuries. Right. That was the whole basis of that. Remember America's Funniest Home Video. Yes. That we used to watch every night and it was just random people getting kicked in the balls. Yes. The entire show. That's totally right. That was the whole basis of this. Do you remember. Okay I'm just remembering. Do you remember when I walked around for months in that padded bra that said it was like a sports bra that was padded but it had a sticker on it that said padded bra and I just walked around it forever and then I was just remembering. Remember when I moved to that new neighborhood in Virginia and they were having a potluck and we got a little inner a little inner what not an interview was an invitation right. I don't get a lot of them. You have more interviews than you have invitation. Exactly. So it was an invitation and it said bring a dish and so I had never been to a fucking potluck before and so I brought a dish. Okay. A dish. An empty dish. What did the host say. Well I do I remember vividly the host's face because I was like what's wrong with this person. Like she doesn't like my dish. She doesn't like my dish. Maybe I was supposed to bring a certain kind of dish. I don't know. But I just that was a moment and like you know just say what you mean people if you want a dish with a root on it say it. If you want a dish it feels like one plain thing. But I just have a question. Let's just get to the root of what did you think was going to happen with your dish. Well I thought somebody else was going to put food on it. So you were just bringing like plates. Yes. To a serving tray. Like a serving dish. I thought maybe my job was to bring the dishes and someone else was going to bring the food. I did my part. That's why I didn't get a lot of invitations. Oh god. Okay let's hear from our next pod squatter. Hey y'all. Love the podcast. Love love love it. My name is Alice and seriously the most fucking embarrassing moment of my life just happened on Friday. I was at lunch with a friend from high school and we had just finished eating and I leaned forward kind of just to lean into the conversation and I thought I farted but no I shat in my pants sitting right there my 55 year old self. Not just like regular poop. Oh no. But diarrhea. Dye dye. Yeah. And I'm sitting there and I'm like what the fuck am I going to do. What the fuck. So I just leaned in and I said to my friend I just pooped in my pants. Like I just pooped in my pants and I don't know if I can get up. So I got up and like sulked for the bathroom quickly and of course there was a line and I got in there and sure enough there was I threw my underwear away in the trash can and you could see poop on the back of my pants. I'm like what the fuck. So I'm like pulling my shirt down. I go back to the table and I'm like girl I gotta go. I just left. She takes my lunch. I just freaking left. I have a long purse put it covered my ass and just like got out of there. I've never done that in my life. I've almost pooped in my pants but never like this. Have a great day. Bye. Never like this. I hope the trash can was not wicker. All right let's hear from Anne. Hi this is Anne from Minnesota and I am calling to tell you one of my most mortifying moments. This was years ago and I went to the movies with my boyfriend and it was a really intense movie but I was dying for popcorn so I was sitting on the end of the row and I knocked out and got my popcorn and came back in and got in my seat and kind of cuddled up and was looking at the movie and I started to feed him some popcorn and play foot sees and just catch up on the plot and then all of a sudden I noticed that my boyfriend was sitting three or four rows ahead of me and I actually went down like some random guy who was all of a sudden more interested in me than the movie so I was so mortified I just dropped the popcorn and the movie theater didn't work out with that guy but um boy it's a fun story years later. So good. Okay that reminds me the wrong dude just reminded me of something that I'm gonna admit right now. Okay so during my drinking days I was out at night with a bunch of friends and I decided to take a cab to my boyfriend's house so I had the cab I told the cab driver my boyfriend's address I got delivered to the door but when the door opened I realized that I had gone to the wrong boyfriend's house this was my old boyfriend from like a year before and I had forgotten that I wasn't dating him anymore I had forgotten I had a whole new boyfriend okay and then do you know another worst part the most mortifying part? You stayed there didn't you? I just fucking stayed there. What? I just stayed there. You slept with the old one? Oh my god. I was like well you know I want to make this awkward I'm just gonna act like I came here on purpose. I came here for a reason. He looks happy to see me well let's just do this and I need a bed I just need to go to bed so yeah I slept with him that night. Oh my gosh. Yeah so like the popcorn story but just like much sadder. Yeah yeah yeah but the difference is you saw it was the wrong boyfriend and you're like oh fuck go it yeah and didn't know when she was putting popcorn into the mouth of her boyfriend that it was in fact a stranger. I know I got sober okay it's fine it's all over the denser. Um jeff's was delighted okay let's go with um Andrea. Andrea. This is Andrea I was in a public stall my door went and locked and so you know I was doing the balancing act of trying to hold the door closed and go to the bathroom um but you know you can't hold it the whole time. Right. Before I knew it another woman had come in to my stall not even seeing that I was there and pulled her pants out and sat on me. No. It was mortifying um I don't know who it was more embarrassing for me or her uh but yeah. I mean I can only imagine a little tinkle had to have come out. Oh my god. I mean a stranger naked woman sitting on your lap. How would you not notice that maybe she was drunk? Oh I could I you know you would you could totally do it sometimes you're just back in there you just stop. Yeah that's true you're back in a little bit. You totally could it but I would never walk into a stall without looking in the first. No that's fair that's fair that's fair. That is a truth. Maybe she was drunk. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was me. I'm gonna need Andrea please for the love of God can you call back in and give us the rest of that story because what I need to know is when said naked woman who's sitting on top of you realizes that she is not sitting on a toilet but sitting on you. Yes. What happens next? Yes I need to know more. How do you recover from that? Are you just like oh excuse me sorry and then she stands up and pulls up her pants and then leaves the restroom? I think a lot of mortifying moments end in no language. Yeah yeah yeah. Like it's not mortification is not something that can be explained it needs to just die it needs to breathe you have to pretend that it never happened in Korea. Yeah you do have to pretend. Right right it's just you don't explain it. That I remember pre-COVID landing at an airport and getting into my Uber putting my suitcase in the backseat jumping into an Uber and saying thank you so much for picking me up and the woman saying I am not an Uber I am waiting for my sister. You got into a I got into a random person's car right and then the best part is I was like oh my god I am so sorry and started to get out of the car and she goes that's okay Glenan. No no she knew it was you oh my god. Yes yes yes. Okay let's hear from M. My name is M and I work in a workplace where we have security guards and I've worked there for many many years so these security guards know me really well and a few years ago I was leaving from work and going to the airport to visit a lover and I had my suitcase with me and in my suitcase I had a strap on otherwise sometimes referred to as a dildo and I put my suitcase through the metal detector and these guards that I know very well said ma'am can you tell us what this is and they point it right to the strap on and I held my shoulders back and in a very calm voice I said yes that is a prosthetic penis and I took my suitcase and I walked very calmly to the elevator where I melted into a puddle of laughing and crying and embarrassment so that is my favorite strap on story thank you. Oh my gosh. That means she has a lot of other strap on stories. Oh my god I love this straight in my back and said yes that is a prosthetic penis. Exactly. Okay I got I have I have a little story that that I need to tell so I was traveling. Do you have a favorite strap on story? No I don't have a favorite strap on story but this is a similar kind of story that I think might fall in the lines. I was traveling via plane and so of course you know you have to go through metal detectors and security and I was just doing carry-on so I had a rolly carry-on bag and this happened to be like kind of a small airport so they actually went through the whole bag right and I didn't anticipate this and I was bringing I brought a vibrator with me on road wherever it was I was going I think I was actually in like Birmingham Alabama so the sweet older TSA agent he starts going through my bag and finds my vibrator so he pulls my vibrator out and says what is this and I said it's a vibrator and he said what does it do and I say it vibrates and so he turned it on and it starts vibrating and his co-worker walks over and catches this moment happening and he's like oh my god I am so sorry oh my god turn that off put that back you know and I'm not the kind of person that gets embarrassed about stuff like this right pro vibrations wherever you have high vibrations high and frequent but I was mortified in some ways for this older gentleman for me to walk away and then him to get told what it was on the upside he now knows that vibrators exist and his life has gotten better so I bet security people see a lot yeah okay yeah a lot of mortifying moments in that line um okay all right we have some write-ins great I that we have to okay all right top 10 of the write-ins that y'all sent in yes I once tried to flirt with a boy at work and accidentally concussed him my mom caught me practicing kissing with an abacrambian fit shopping bag what talking on the phone while asking target employees to help me find my lost phone yes I'm a 37 year old woman and I shit in my car in a takeout container at a red light last last week yes so good opened my mac in front of my date and it was a how to have lesbian sex youtube video a male co-worker came upon me while I was masturbating in a work vehicle oh that's hard day I pooped my pants during a job interview I didn't get the job I saluted my bosses bosses after they observed me I am not in the military until college I thought a brothel was a potluck I learned when I offered to host a brothel I was having sex for the first time and he pulled a piece of toilet paper out of my butt oh all right I want to say this I feel two things I feel that for me the experiment has worked I feel closer to everybody every single woman who has shared their stories here what about this woman yes to you also what about can we fart now I think we should talk about it another time okay I just want to open the farting floodgates and then if not now when if not who you okay um I do want to suggest one thing for our next straight thing fart um I feel strongly about M's response when the guards asked her what her strap on was her whole response the squaring of her shoulders the looking those men in the eye the saying yes that is a prosthetic penis and so I think we were just talking about how there's a silence after every mortifying moment and I think it could be a forever kind of mocking J.S. bat signal for the pod squad that whenever we get to the end of a mortifying moment we'd just say in that moment no matter what it's about why yes that is a prosthetic penis that's good so just start saying that if it's a mortifying moment do you know what I mean I think that's how we get out of it that's the language we have now that we didn't have before well thank god yeah we've got it I think I just can't wait to do it now I know right are you almost hoping to be mortified so you can say it yeah yeah yeah yeah because you are now part of the mortification club also I seriously we haven't talked about this but I think we should keep collecting these stories over time I agree when something mortifying happens to you please call it in I think we should do one of these shows every six months I agree it's just good for the soul well it's fun for us too like we've laughed so much over the last couple of days and I think yes for us we needed this like fuck this world like we needed this big time yeah we need to laugh and I do want to say I just let's just start with one fart and see how it goes can I do it now no we're on the air so here we go we're ending the show we love you forever and we'll see you here next time and I'm working on my shit I don't want anyone to be mad at me or write me mean letters I know that it's not right and I'm working on it I'm just am what I am okay I love ya god bless ya why yes it is a prosthetic penis send us your mortifying story it's part of the revolution of normalization it is 747-200-5307 that's mortification at 747-200-5307 it vibrates and don't send us your actual prosthetic penis we already have some that is just a general term we are using for mortification love you mean it bye bye