questioning my independence

I've always thought of myself as an independent person and I think it goes back to my childhood, you know, growing up and only child with parents that worked. I spent a lot of my childhood alone by myself at home, keeping myself busy. And that experience, undeniably, created a sense of independence in me that I've carried with me for the rest of my life. I haven't really questioned it much, right? It became a part of my identity in such a big way at such a young age. I've carried this sense of independence with unwavering confidence ever since I was a child. But recently, something happened that shook me to my core, okay? I had an epiphany about my independence that scared the fucking shit out of me. Okay, I recently did a road trip to visit my dad. It was a seven hour road trip and you want to know what I did for the entire car, right? I talked to my parents on the phone the entire time, okay? They like took shifts and you want to know why I forced them to talk to me for three and a half hours each? Because I couldn't handle the silence. It just, I wasn't in a place to handle it. I had too much on my mind. Everything was swirling around and I couldn't handle it. And so instead of listening to music and reflecting, instead of listening to nothing and reflecting, instead of listening to a podcast and saying like, fuck it, let me just dig into the, I couldn't handle it and I called my parents and I did not have one moment alone the entire car ride. I arrived to my dad's house and had this uncomfortable epiphany that maybe I'm not as independent as I thought I was. Because from there, I reflected on weeks that I've spent alone at my house. Because I spent a lot of time alone at my house. And I thought about how I used my time. I realized that I'm not alone as much as I think I am. I talked to a lot of people on the phone and I started having sort of an existential crisis. No, maybe it wasn't an existential crisis, but I did start to analyze my sense of independence for the first time possibly in my life. And I've been thinking a lot about it ever since, you know, the whole concept of independence and whether my level of independence is healthy or not and kind of pick it apart. And I thought I would invite you all into this conversation. Why do it alone? What I could do it with you. So today we're going to analyze my independence and hopefully figure out where I need to grow. I really should just get a therapist. I really should just do that. But instead, I'm going to just try to figure it all out. And we're going to do it together and it's going to be fun. And maybe we'll all learn something through it. But hopefully, at least I do. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo. Okay, hear me out. Apparently, you can earn cashback with your Venmo debit card. All you have to do is join Venmo stash in boom. You get cashback when you shop at your favorite brands. It's kind of an awesome flex. With Venmo stash, you can get up to 5% cashback at your Fave brands. Just pick a bundle of your go-to's to shop with your Venmo debit card and earn cashback at them. And you're free to mix things up. You can easily swap out your bundle of brands every 30 days. Start earning when you do more with stash. Venmo stash terms and exclusions apply max $100 cashback per month. See terms at Venmo.me slash stash terms. Now back to the episode. Here's the other thing I kind of realized during this epiphany. Independence is much more complicated than just how much time you spend alone or how comfortable you are being alone. Nowadays, if you're alone in your house, you can have YouTube on. You can have somebody on the phone with you. You don't ever really have to feel alone. I've looked at filling silence with music, podcasts, YouTube videos, social media, content, as a way of avoiding self-reflection, a way of numbing. But I haven't ever looked at its relationship to independence. Because are you really alone if you're at home and you're watching a YouTube video? Doesn't feel like you're alone. Are you really alone if you're scrolling on social media in your bed? And I know a lot of this seems obvious, but there are so many things that we just don't address with full attention until an epiphany comes like the one that I had. And so a lot of this is obvious, but I don't think it's about discovering new concepts. I don't think I'm discovering anything new. But rather, I'm just bringing it to the forefront of my mind and dissecting it. Anyway, without further ado, let's analyze my independence. Okay, let's start with evidence that I actually am independent. Starting with the fact that I am technically alone, majority of the week, and I prefer working by myself. My work week is for the most part alone. And I prefer it that way. And for the last few years, I've spent almost every week day by myself in my house working. I get into flow state by myself. I've never been one to enjoy group projects. I'm a control freak. I like to do everything myself. Yeah, I'm comfortable with spending the work week by myself getting it done. Evidence number two, I don't mind having a date of myself. If the weekend rolls around and everyone's busy, I don't mind taking myself shopping, taking myself out to get food, taking myself out to get my nails done, taking myself out to get a massage, taking myself out for a walk. I will say though, I do enjoy doing those things with other people. Maybe even a little bit more than alone, but I do enjoy doing those types of things alone. And I find it to be restful and rejuvenating. And I've been doing that since I was, I don't know, 16 and I could drive. So that's pretty independent. Next piece of evidence, there are actually times that I prefer to be alone. I am not so extroverted that being alone drains me and makes me sad. Like, I need my alone time, which is shocking to some people because I think a lot of people assume me to be an extrovert because I am pretty outgoing, maybe less so as an adult. I am somewhat introverted, you know, being alone helps me recharge. There are times when I really need it. Mainly because there are certain things I need to do in my life that keep me in a good place. I think that I put out so much energy when I'm around people that when I'm alone, like I really just need to be fucking quiet. You know, I need to recharge because when I'm around people, I'm very animated. I'm very involved, you know what I mean? So like, I need that recharge time. For me, it seems to be one extreme or the other. I'm either being social and I'm putting it all out there or I'm at home and I'm recharging and I'm quiet. Next piece of evidence, I often feel comfortable with silence in self-reflection when alone. As long as I'm in a state of calm, okay? Let me be clear because I know I mentioned earlier on my road trip, I could not handle being alone. Again, that was just like, I was going through a little bit. There was a lot going through my head. I give myself grace there. Like, I don't think that was a sign that I have an unhealthy codependence on my parents, for example, which honestly might be true. But that's not necessarily a sign of that. Like, when you're going through it, when anyone's going through a hard time, it's normal and natural and I think probably healthy to reach out to others for help. But that was more like the experience that sort of triggered the thoughts that followed. Right? But when I'm in a good place, when my life is calm, when I feel good about things, I don't mind sitting around in silence. No worries. Even when I have a few little tiny little challenges going on, I can handle being alone and reflecting on those things. But yeah, I mean, there gets a point where I can't do it alone anymore. I can't handle it alone anymore. I can't, I'm just left to spiral by myself and I need to call someone to help me. I think we all have our limit. But I actually really enjoy being alone and reflecting. I've spent entire car rides, long car rides, quiet thinking. But I just have to be in the right state of mind. So that's the thing that's sort of questionable to me. Because I'm like, well, should we be able to handle all psychological challenges completely by ourselves? Is it a crutch for me to go and call my parents when I hit my limit? Am I preventing growth by calling them instead of sitting with it and figuring it out? Perhaps. But we'll get back to that later. Moving on to another piece of evidence that I am, in fact, a super independent person, I don't rely on others for help on technical, meaning non-emotional problems very often. I can problem solvomail for the most part. There's like two types of people I've experienced in my life. There's certain people who say their phone breaks, like it shuts off. They plug it in, it doesn't turn back on. They're like, what the fuck? And immediately they're calling someone. Like they're calling their significant other. They're calling their friend who's like really text Abby. They're calling somebody immediately. They're like, what do I do? And then there's some people who are like, wait, let me Google it by myself. Let me pull out my computer and Google it. Do you know what I'm saying? There's two types of people. I mean, that's really a broad statement. But I've noticed that in my life that there's two types of people. For the most part, I would consider myself to be somebody who's googling it. I will only involve other people when it really feels necessary. But I feel like I'm pretty good about problem solving on my own. Again, because when I was a kid, I had to problem solve on my own. My parents weren't home. They were busy. They were working. I couldn't just call them and have them fix a problem for me. If something broke, something wasn't working, whatever. Like I had to just figure it out on my own. And I think that's a great skill to have. Not that I'm tooting my own horn, but that feels independent to me. That's an independent trait. I will say though, sometimes when someone's around that's maybe even more capable of problem solving than me, I will then lean on them. I have no problem solving issues on my own. But if I'm dating somebody and they're particularly good at problem solving, I'll be like, we help. Because they're there. And a lot of times, those types of people actually like problem solving. Like they want to help. So that is the only exception. But if I'm by myself, I can handle it, usually. Okay. Moving on, I wouldn't consider myself to be a clingy person. I think maybe inside, I have a bit of a desire to be clingy in some ways, because I am somebody who gets really anxious about how others feel about me. I can at times have an anxious attachment style. And so that can sort of cause like an internal desire to be clingy occasionally. We're like, I want to check in all the time or whatever. But usually I actually don't even feel a desire to be clingy. It's only when I'm dealing with somebody avoidant. That's actually that's when it happens. But if I'm in a healthy situation with somebody, I'm not a clingy person. And even if I'm with an avoidant person, I will use my discipline and I will not succumb to my clingy desires. If I trust somebody 100%, I'm not clingy. In fact, I might even be kind of too relaxed sometimes, where like I just won't think to reach out as often as maybe I should, because I trust them and I know we're good. And so I'll just kind of forget to reach out, which actually might be a sign of being too independent. But in general, I wouldn't consider myself to be a clingy person. No one in my life has ever called me a clingy person. No one I've ever dated. No one I've ever been friends with. And I've asked actually, I've been like, do you feel like I'm kind of clingy? Never once. They could have been being nice to me, but you know, uncomfortable with being honest. But I don't think so. I do sometimes need reassurance or need to communicate, but that's not clingy. Clingy is like needing to be in contact, like 24-7. I don't think I'm like that because I don't want to be in contact 24-7. As I said earlier, I need my alone time. So next piece of evidence, I don't change my personality to please others. I definitely can be a chameleon, but that's my own natural inclination. That's me being myself. Like I like letting out different sides of my personality, depending on who I'm around. If I'm around somebody who's funny, I'm gonna be funnier. If I'm around somebody who's more philosophical, maybe I'll be a bit more thoughtful. You know, it's like you'd let different parts of yourself out. That's the type of person I am. But to some people feels maybe a bit ingenuine and confusing, but to me, it's just that's who I am. And it's not me changing to please. It's just I have this innate desire, not even desire. I have this innate quality that is who, like depending on who I'm around, a different side of me comes out naturally. And I don't even think about it. And it's not a performance. It's very much me. And it's all different parts of me being shown. It's not like any of it is acted. When I was younger, I definitely used to change my personality to please others for sure. But like everyone does that when they're a middle school or high schooler. I had no sense of self back then. I don't even know, like I don't even think I had a brain, you know? So what I did then doesn't count. But now as an adult, I don't think I changed my personality. The next piece of evidence, my opinions are not usually persuaded by others, unless they make a point that disproves mine. Like I'm the first person to be like, oh wait, I was wrong. Okay, you're right. I love that. I love being proved wrong. If I really genuinely think I was proved wrong, that doesn't threaten my intelligence or my sense of self for my ego. I don't mind. I don't mind that at all. I enjoy it and I appreciate it. But my opinions are my own. And if I feel a certain way, I'm not going to just change, like I'm not going to change my opinion to be agreeable. When I was younger, I used to do that for sure. You know, somebody would be like, oh my god, I love this song. I'd be like, same. Same. And I will still sometimes occasionally do that on accident, but it's not even because I'm trying to, like it's almost some, like I'll do it on accident. I'll accidentally agree with someone when I don't. Like they'll be like, oh, I love that movie. I'll be like, oh my god, same. It's usually when I'm not fully paying attention. So it's not actually like me trying to be agreeable, trying to, you know, please the person that I'm talking to by agreeing with them. Next, my motivation is personal. I want to get stuff done for me and only me. I'm not like, no one's telling me what to do. I don't like being told what to do. I'm not trying to accomplish anything to impress anyone. It's all very personal for me. I mean, I think there is sort of this underlying drive that we all have because of societal pressures, but like I don't need other people to motivate me. I don't need someone to plan going to a workout class with me for me to show up to a workout class. I don't need somebody to be on my ass telling me to get my work done for me to get my work done. I motivate myself to do all of that for me, which feels like an independent trait. Okay, enough of that. Now we need to discuss the ways that I'm not independent. Okay, enough of me being nice to myself. Now let's read me for filth. Okay, here is the evidence that I am not independent. Starting with piece of evidence number one. Okay, I know I mentioned earlier that I spend my weeks alone. And I know I also mentioned that I'm one I'm in a good place, comfortable with silence, self-reflection, truly being alone with my thoughts. But I will say that at the end of the work day, it's like seven or eight o'clock, I want to turn my brain off. I want to talk to somebody on the phone. I want to watch YouTube, you know, like I don't want to be if I brain anymore. I think that's pretty normal, I guess. But like the idea for me of cooking and eating my dinner in complete silence, a lot of the times is not super appealing to me. Like I love turning on a YouTube video and eating my dinner. And there are times in my life where I feel like I'm not experiencing enough silence. And so I take away that privilege as though I'm my own mom. But as long as I'm getting my work done and I'm feeling productive and creative, I will allow myself to kind of rot my brain a little bit at the end of the day. But that doesn't feel like being truly alone. Like I can't help but question if I was really healthy and independent. Would I not need to put on the YouTube video at the end of the day? Made, I don't know. I'm not saying I know what I not need to call someone at the end of the day in chat. If I was truly a healthy level of independent, would I not experience the drive to do those things as much? Rather, it would be more of a subtle desire. Like, oh, you know, there's a new YouTube video posted about this topic that I find really interesting. Or, oh, it's been, you know, two days since I talked to my mom, I would love to catch up with her in chat. For me, it's like, a lot of times I just, I need to be done. I need to shut my brain off. My brain's been on overdrive all day. I just want to like, shut it off, shut it off, shut it off. And so I'm like, I'm reaching for these things at the end of the day from a little place of like desperation and urgency. And that, to me, doesn't feel independent. Feels like I'm running away from something that I don't want to face myself. And I experience that feeling a lot at the end of the day. But it also could be like, okay, I've just been home all day by myself working alone. It'd be nice to hear someone else talk or something else talk if it's like a YouTube video. Like, how often am I truly 100% alone with my thoughts? It's like impossible to know. And every day is so different. Like, a lot of the times when I start to feel uncomfortable and feel like, ooh, I'm feeling a little bit too alone right now, I will call someone. I will watch a YouTube video, you know? And the only time that I actively make the decision not to do that is when I've taken it too far. And I'm saying like, watching too much YouTube to the point where like, I can't my creative brain doesn't work anymore. That happens when I consume too much online content. And so until that happens, I don't stop myself from like watching a YouTube video at the end of the day. Or like, fuck it. Scroll on YouTube shorts for a minute while I'm on the toilet if I'm feeling really naughty. But then sometimes I'll have weeks on end where I'm feeling really naughty. Like, even on the toilet, I don't want to be alone for that second. I just want to watch something. But see, that's the thing. If it isn't getting in the way of my productivity, I don't really touch it. I just let myself do it. But perhaps if I didn't let myself do that, and I force myself in those moments to actually, like, I think those are probably the moments I need to self-reflect the most. In the moments when I kind of want to run away from something, and I'm reaching for things that can make me feel less alone, maybe those are the moments I need to be alone the most. And I need to just be with my thoughts. But maybe I'm also overthinking all of this, you know? And I'm driving myself nuts for what? It's like, who cares? I don't know. These are all questions I'm asking. Okay, moving on. Piece of evidence number two that I'm not independent. When I'm really in a bad place psychologically, I don't think I've ever calmed myself down alone. When I'm struggling psychologically, I am undeniably talking to somebody, whether it's a parent or a friend or a therapist or an energy reader or a psychic, like, fucking anyone. It doesn't matter. Like, if I am struggling psychologically, there is a zero-percent chance that I'm just crying in bed about it by myself. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I am always without fail. Talking to someone about it. Now, I think talking about things is so important. It's so important. However, it does worry me a little bit that I never deal with that alone. You know, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I think it probably would be a useful skill for me to maybe get through the worst of it by myself to teach myself how to self-soothe and then call once I've calmed down a little bit for support. Like, I think that probably sounds healthier because I think I have an inability to regulate my own emotions. Like, when things get really bad, I need help regulating my emotions because I can't do it. That rings true to me, to be honest. If I'm just by myself, I will fucking spiral out of control. I need people to talk me down. And that doesn't feel great. I think it probably would be a useful exercise for me to perhaps in a moment of psychological pain when I want to call somebody and have them talk me down. Instead, figure out how can I call myself down? Can I even do it? Challenge. Can I call myself down challenge? It's like the cinnamon challenge, except it's not. It's like the ice bucket challenge, but it's not. It's the can I call myself down challenge? That might be something I should try now that I'm thinking about it. Like, my recent road trip, where I talk to my parents the whole time, that probably I probably should have actually spent some of that alone working through my own shit, you know? But instead, I just, I just called them. I don't know. Listen, I'm not saying I know the answers here. I'm just analyzing myself for, for my own benefit in all of our entertainment. Is this entertaining though? Ugh, effort to bake. Uh, okay, moving on. Another piece of evidence that I'm not independent. When I'm going through a challenge in my life, like not like a challenge, like a little challenge, but like a challenge. Like, I'm making a decision about a relationship, right? Like a friendship or a relationship. Is this a friendship or a relationship that I should continue to be a part of? When I'm making a work decision, you know, the list goes on. When I have a looming challenge that I'm trying to work through and figure out the solution for, I have a tendency to over share about this. I don't take it upon myself to find the answer. I discuss it with as many people as I possibly can. Get my hair done? Fuck it. Let's get into this. Let's see what my hair style is. Things getting my nails done? Fuck it. What does my nail artist think? Dinner with friends? I'll bring it up. Twist my arm, you know? Talking to my parents on the phone again. Oops, let me just bring up this challenge that we've already discussed 50 times again to analyze it again. And I like to get people's opinions and advice because it helps inform my own opinion. It doesn't change my opinion though. Hearing other people's stories, hearing other people's experiences, I want to gather data. I want to gather personal advice. And I'm going to ultimately make my own decision, right? No one's telling me what to do. And no one will tell me what to do because to be honest, that's the type of person I am. But I like gathering data. That's kind of what I call it to help me make a decision. Talking through it also helps me process it and realize things about it that I maybe wouldn't if it was just in the confines of my mind and swirling around in there, speaking it out loud over and over and over again with various different people, not only exposes me to new perspectives, but also helps inform my decision. This doesn't feel like an independent thing to me. Yeah, I don't know that it feels codependent, but that doesn't scream like healthy independence to me. Like healthy independence would maybe be like talking about the challenge and just sort of talking about it for the sake of talking about it, not necessarily talking about it, looking for for anything, you know? I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Hotels.com. Make your next trip work for you. Hotels.com just rolled out a game-changing feature called Save Your Way and it's as simple as it sounds. When you book a trip as a Hotels.com member, you decide how to use your savings. Choose to take the instant savings now or bank the savings as rewards for later. It's your call. Invision converting discounts on this week's stay into rewards for luxurious beach getaway next year. No complicated math, no blackout dates, just you choosing how to make your travels work harder for you. Only at Hotels.com. Save your ways available to loyalty members in the US and UK on Hotels with member prices. Other terms apply, seasite for details. Now back to the episode. Okay next, on the weekends, a lot of times, I don't wanna be by myself. Like I wanna hang out with friends. I wanna go out, get dinner. I don't love being alone on the weekends. Will I do it? Sure, but I'm alone all week. It's totally fine. But I hit my limit of being alone and it's usually on the weekends. And so on the weekends, I do really want to be with people. I wanna be around people. And I guess the question is, if I was truly an independent person and I had a healthy level of independence, would I feel that way on the weekends? Would I be kind of bummed when I don't have any plans? And it's like the second weekend in a row of me kind of doing shit on my own. Again, this feels normal and it does kind of feel like I'm psychoanalyzing myself in a way that's honestly unhealthy. But these are just all the things that I'm questioning. It does feel normal to hit your limit of being alone and it becomes a bummer at a certain point, you know? But then that sort of makes me question how much I really enjoy being alone. If it bums me out ever that I have to be alone, do you know what I'm saying? Next, I do get anxiety about people being mad at me. Like I'm not so independent that I don't care what anyone thinks about me. Like I definitely care what people think about me. Especially if they are mad at me. Like that's my main concern. If people just don't like me because they don't like me, whatever. As long as I can't think of a valid reason for them to not like me, we're all good. But I get a lot of anxiety, a lot of the time about people being mad at me. Like if I text my friend and they don't respond, I sometimes will spiral and be like, oh my god, they're mad at me. If I was truly independent, would I be like, well, worst case scenario, they're mad at me. I can't think of anything I did wrong. So fuck it, I don't care. If they're mad at me, I didn't do anything. So who cares? That feels like peak independence to me in a way that actually seems kind of healthy. Whereas being anxious because a friend didn't respond. Like that feels a little bit codependent. And people usually don't know that I feel this way, right? Like if I text somebody and they don't respond and for whatever reason, it triggers anxiety in my brain and I start to spiral, but they're mad at me. I'm not like double texting, you know? Like, hey, are we good? I just am tortured on a personal level until I get a response. That to me doesn't feel independent. That feels like a bit of codependence. It feels like I care a little bit too much about what others think about me. And I am afraid of my loved ones being angry at me and not telling me, like that makes me very anxious. Even if I can't think of something that I did, I'll still convince myself, like, well, but maybe somebody lied or like, maybe there's a rumor or maybe I did something on accident and I didn't even think about it. You know, this usually tends to happen with people I'm closer with. Okay, next. In general, I do prefer to be in a romantic relationship over being single in general. I'm single right now. I'm enjoying it, I think. No, it, I mean, it has its moments. Sometimes it's like a total vibe. And sometimes I'm like, this isn't my favorite, you know? Like I don't love this. And I think true independence would be being equally is satisfied in a relationship and not, right? Maybe. And I definitely don't feel that way. Like I can enjoy being single while still enjoying being in a relationship more, but maybe that's just healthy. Like for me, being in a long term relationship is one of my goals in life. And so I guess it makes sense that I would prefer that state over being single because that aligns with my goals. And also because it's nice. But that's not to say I don't enjoy being single. You know, there's a lot of value in it as well. But I would be lying if I said that I enjoyed being single and being in a relationship equally. But perhaps that's something that is possible. And perhaps that's a place I need to get to in order to be in a really truly amazing, awesome, balanced relationship. Perhaps you can't be in a relationship and be truly a confident individual in it unless you enjoy being single just as much as you enjoy being in a relationship. I don't know if that's true. Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe it's totally, maybe you just need to be cool with being single and enjoy it for what it is. But you don't need to like it as much as you like being in a relationship. You just need to be comfortable with it and enjoy it for what it is. Maybe that's all it is. And be not in a rush to get out of that state. Maybe it's more about that. And last but not least, my last piece of evidence that I'm not independent is that there are times where my confidence is not rooted in my opinions of myself, but rather others' opinions of me. Now, this is not all the time. This is not even necessarily like half of the time. But I do slip into that sometimes where maybe I'm dating somebody and their opinion of me impacts my confidence. Or if I'm in a vulnerable place and maybe I've been online too much, reading too many of my comments. And the opinion of the internet impacts my confidence. Like I really do work hard to prevent this from happening, but it does happen. And in those moments, I am not independent. I'm depending on others to form my view myself and let me tell you it's not good. It's not good when I fall into those patterns. I have to get out of it quick because it's dark, dark, dark, dark, dark. It is dark. To be honest, after analyzing myself to this level, I feel nothing. I have no thoughts brain empty. I feel like I learned nothing. I don't know. I don't know. I will say, I mean, actually, no. I shouldn't say brain fully empty. There's a few things I want to try in my personal life to see what happens. There are a few experiments I want to try. Number one, when in a place of like extreme psychological discomfort, I want to try to handle it on my own. I want to not, for once, call my parents, call someone. I want to see what happens when I'm forced to emotionally regulate by myself. That was a really valuable learning from today's analysis of Emma, okay? That's something I want to try because I think that's a skill I personally want to have. I'm kind of on the fence when it comes to like my daily avoidance of being completely alone, either watching YouTube or calling someone, perhaps after my workday. I'm on the fence about whether that's an issue or if that's just normal. See, to me, though, the thing that makes it feel like it might be somewhat of an issue is the urgency I feel to fill the silence at the end of the day. What were to happen if I were to not fill that silence? What am I running from? It might just be that my brain is exhausted and I want to just do something mindless because I've been using my brain all day. It might also be that, I don't know, I don't know what it is. So maybe it could be an interesting experiment to, at the end of the workday, instead of immediately turning on a YouTube video, immediately calling somebody, immediately putting everything away. Maybe I have a half hour of silence and see what happens. Maybe I eat dinner and silence and just see what am I running from? That could be an interesting experiment, but I do have a feeling that it might just be that my brain is tired and I just want a little bit of relief. Another thing I want to work on is, I want to get to a point in my life where I am so confident in myself, I don't even know if this is possible, but we can dream, can we? I want to get to a point in my life where I'm so confident in myself and I'm so independent in this way where it's like, I don't need literally anyone. I enjoy everyone, but I don't need anyone. I want to feel that way to the point where I don't care if somebody's mad at me, even if it's like my best friend. If I didn't do anything wrong and I can't think of anything wrong that I did, I'll just wait and see if they can front me and at that point then we handle that issue. I want to be so confident in myself as a person that I don't overthink relationships in my life and get anxiety about them rationally. I also would like to enjoy being single more. It would be interesting to see if I can get to a point if I'm able to be single for as long as I probably should be. It would be interesting to see if I can get to a point where I like being single as much as I like being in a relationship just in a different way because I've never felt that way before. So it could be interesting to see, but I think the only way to figure that out is I need to not get into another relationship for a little while, which is so hard for me. I love having a boyfriend. But yeah, what else? What else did we learn today? I think that's it. The last thing I want to do today with you all is take a random online quiz. I found this one from pro-profits.com and the quiz is called, are you an independent or a dependent person? Let's take the quiz and see what the quiz says. I don't know. It is not like a professional quiz. This is a free random quiz that I found online that is not reputable. But I'm going to take its results very seriously. Okay, are you an independent or dependent person? Question number one, do you give into peer pressure a lot? I would say no. I used to when I was younger, but now as an adult almost never, I would say, but like sometimes, like there's occasionally maybe, I don't want to say never. I'm gonna say a little bit. Okay, next question, can you travel alone for a trip? Yes, I can. There was a period of time where I was so afraid of flying that I didn't want to fly alone, but I got over that fear, well, I didn't get over the fear, but I've been working on that fear and traveling alone. And I actually do enjoy traveling alone. It's just being on the plane alone because I have such a fear of flying on airplanes. That's hard, but like being in New York by myself, being in God knows where, by myself, that's totally fine. And I can even go on the plane by myself. It's just kind of hard. Next question, do you act like yourself when you're around people you don't know? Honestly, yes, I would say yes. Next, how do you spend your weekend? Sleep and eat, go on trips with my partner, partying all day and night. I like being alone, none of these apply. I mean, usually when I have a boyfriend at the time, I'll go trips, I'll go on trips with my partner, do little day trips and things like that. But right now, I'm alone more because I'm, I'm gonna say go on trips with my partner because that feels the most accurate, even though I don't have a partner right now, whatever. Next, you're very hungry and the food in the kitchen is finished. What do you do in that case? Go on the kitchen and make something for myself, order something, ask someone to cook for me, I will do nothing. Wait, I don't even understand the question. You're very hungry and the food in the kitchen is finished. Like does that mean there's like no food left in the kitchen? But then one of the options is I will go in the kitchen and make something for myself. This makes no sense. If I'm really hungry, I will make myself something. Okay, that's just weird. Next, if you and your friends are playing truth or dare and they dare you to drink beer, would you? No, I don't drink. Okay. Is this quiz for like seventh graders who don't ever drink beer? Because normally like a dare to drink beer, it's like, dude, I already have a beer in my hand. These online quizzes are never good. I don't know why I click on them, but here I am. Okay, next, how often do you talk to your best friend? We talk every day, rarely we can go for a long time without talking, I can't live without talking to my best friend. This quiz is terrible. Let's say we talk every day. You are in class and you hear people making fun of your friend. Okay, see now this quiz is starting to make sense. It's for seventh graders. I totally get it now. I don't know why I clicked on it. You're in class and you hear people making fun of your friend. What do you do? Now it is I would stick up for my friend or do nothing, depending on if it's worth the battle. But I'm gonna say stick up for my friend. Have you ever picked on somebody just to go along with the crowd when I was like in middle school for sure, probably, as an adult? No. I will pick on somebody because they deserve it. No, I'm kidding. No, I don't do that. I'm gonna say no. Have you done something that you knew was bad but did it because people were urging you to? Honestly, not in a long time, so I'm gonna say no. Okay, let's see my results. I am an unstoppable spirit. I embrace my independence and trust my instincts unmoved by others' opinions. You confidently make decisions and thrive on doing things your way. Share your unique strength with pride. Okay, I don't, I didn't like that quiz to be honest. Let's take one more. This one is How Independent Are You by BrainFall.com. Start quiz. Question number one, your partner is gone on a business trip for a week. What do you do? Redecorate the place to my taste. Enjoy the time alone. Or invite a few friends over and behave like a teenager. If I am in a relationship, I will enjoy the time alone. Because when you're in a relationship, you're like with your partner so often that I actually look forward to time alone usually. Next, you've been offered a great job abroad but there's a ton of paperwork to fill out. You get started right away to make sure everything is done on time. Gradually manage to deal with it, leave it to the very last minute. I would do it right away. That's just who I am. Next, your friend cancels at the last moment for your plans tonight. What do you do? I would probably call another friend and go out with somebody else. And if they're not available, I would stay home. Your friend invites you to a weird convention. It's not very appealing. What do you do? politely decline, except because you don't wanna hurt their feelings, except but grumble about it. I always like a new experience. Like, even if I think something's weird, if I have nothing better to do and I'm not like putting myself out, I'd rather do something interesting with a friend than be home, not making a memory. Like even if it's a weird convention, at least I'll make a memory. So I'm gonna say, except, well, there's not an option that's like, except for the fucking plot, which is what my answer is. But I'm gonna say, except because you don't want to hurt their feelings. That's kind of what my answer is. Next, for the first time you're traveling to the other side of the world, how do you feel? Stressed out? Like I wanna cancel the trip? Or so excited? Okay, well, stressed out in like I want to cancel the trip is the same, that's the same answer. I think I would feel excited. I mean, actually I do kinda get stressed before trips sometimes. I guess I would feel stressed. I'd probably feel excited too, but knowing me, I'd feel a little stressed. So we'll answer stressed out. Next, you have a crush on a guy's slash girl who works at your coffee shop. What's your approach? Honestly, like, it's do nothing. There's an option that says, stare, honestly me. I am not one to make the first move. So stare is kind of me. Next, how do you deal with unforeseen events? As new opportunities to shine is option one. Option two is depends on the situation. Option three, not well, but I try my best. Option four, I don't, too much of a headache. I guess depends on the situation. Oh my God, I need to stop taking online quizzes. They're all garbage. Okay, we're almost done. Let's just get through this. You guys, I know. It's like, I feel like I'm at school right now. That shouldn't be the point of an online quiz. It should be fun and I'm not having fun. Next, you have to organize a meal and entertainment for 20 people. What do you do? Get friends to help out, manage everything on my own. Call a caterer. My mom will do everything for me. LOL, I do ask my mom to help me with stuff. I would probably, to be honest, call a caterer. This is just where I'm at right now in my life. Like, it would be so worth it. The amount of time it would save and stress. Just have everything show up and be beautifully done. And like, somebody who's like a professional chef so much better than what I would do, I would probably do that right now today. If I had to do that right now today, that's what I would do. Next question, out of the blue, a friend wants to take you on a road trip across the country, your first reaction. Are you crazy? I have things to do. Or awesome, let's do this. Or no way, I'm staying home. Or that's great, but what about my job? See, it depends on what's going on in my life. If it's like the weekend, be like, let's do it. If I have nothing going on, let's do it. I like stuff like that though. I like a bit of spontaneity. I'm gonna answer, that's great, but what about my job? That feels the most me. Last but not least, honestly, finally, these quizzes are just absolute garbage. And I don't even trust them. You haven't been your best at work lately and you are being reviewed. How do you save the day? Option one, make an amazing commercial speech about myself. Option two, gather evidence of my good work. Option three, totally freak out. I need some whiskey. That's dark. In number four, stress out, but try to keep myself together and not make it worse. I would probably gather evidence of my good work just in case I need to prove a point. I don't know. That feels good. Okay, let's see what it says. Are you fucking kidding me? It wants me to create a free account with my email. Fuck, no, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care what the results were. I actually don't care. No, it told me it was a free quiz. It told me I didn't think I was gonna have to make an account. And I just did all that and I don't even know. But you know what, I don't care. Cause whatever it was going to say, it wouldn't even be that significant. I wouldn't even take it that seriously anyway. So what, I have to be done. I don't know, you guys. I'm not claiming to have any answers here. I'm not coming to you with in a piphany. Like, hey, you guys, I have everything all figured out. Check it out. This is what it means to have a healthy sense of independence. I'm not coming to you with that. I'm more just wrestling with it and sharing it with you all. And take it all with a grain of salt. Cause I don't, I don't know. I don't have it all figured out, but I am figuring it out. And I'll keep you all updated. But thank you all for listening to this and analyzing me with me. Hopefully you got something out of it. And if you didn't, you enjoyed it. New episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday. Anything goes as anywhere you stream podcasts or anything goes videos on YouTube and Spotify on social media, anything goes. Did I already say that? Did I say that stuff twice? I can't. I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is on the internet and in the world at Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. You're awesome. And I'll talk to you all very soon. Love you. Talk to you later, bye.