My Wife’s Stand-Up Dream Is Hurting Our Bank Account

How can I tell my wife I'm struggling with financial pressures without discouraging her dream career? She's an entertainer and in the last year along she's had some pretty great success. Let me break in here. Just because of the nature of this show, what does entertainer mean? Good morning, good afternoon, good night. This is John with the Dr. John Deloni show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. So grateful that you've joined us talking about your marriages, your dating life, your mental and emotional health, what's going on with men and with women in this country, all the chaos and division and all the nonsense. And yet we all still have to go home and look ourselves in the mirror. And that's where many of us struggle. And so that's what this show is about, pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move in your life. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaways. The best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. Let's go down the street here in Nashville, Tennessee. One of my neighbors. I don't know if you're really my neighbor. I've never talked to you before, but it's kind of awesome. Let's talk to Dave. What's up, Dave? Hey, Dr. John, how are you doing today? What's up brother? How are you man? I'm doing all right. It's getting colder, but it's good. Slowly, but surely the fall season is here. Absolutely. Well, what's up man? I guess my question, if I'm being just really upfront is how can I tell my wife I'm struggling with financial pressures without discouraging her dream career? So tell me more. Yeah, absolutely. So I'm married, I love my life two years ago. She's an entertainer and in the last year alone, she's had some pretty good and pretty great success. Before that, she was a great cool. Let me break in here. Just because of the nature of this show, what does entertainer mean? She is a standup comedian. Okay, all right. Not a dancer. Okay, all right. Good. Okay. So she's going to be a comic or a musician or whatever. Okay, cool. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's had some great success in the last year and it's been really fun to watch. Before that, she was a preschool teacher for a few years and she walked away from that because my wife was born with some medical complications that affect her heart, kidneys and some other stuff. And basically the kids' germs made her sick, but due to her health bill, it made the sickness kind of just that much worse. So then my wife and I sat down and we prayed and talked it out thoroughly and agreed to have a work pretty part time and pursue her career more seriously so she can just worry less about her medical health, have the day to rest if she needs it. Her career as a comic? As a comedian? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that's come with some expected pressures like that expected, but I'm just having a hard time managing how to deal with some of those pressures in terms of when I express like, oh man, this is, because with entertainment, income's just kind of a little bit less predictable. Yeah. Everyone in entertainment, myself included, is on 100% commission, right? So you eat as well this month as you made last month, right? Yeah, exactly. Every month is a new month. So I'm going to run back what happened in my house and you tell me how, now, the advantage I had was I'd been married a lot longer than you two have. And my wife and I had been through tons of ups and downs and almost breakups since, almost, I mean, some really great years. So I've got a whole bunch of scars and wisdom, but here's what the conversation happened in our house. I moved this across the country from my dream job at a university that was going to set our entire family up and it did. It was amazing. And I loved my university. I love my coworkers. I love the job. And then I had an opportunity to leave everything I'd worked for for 20 years to come work in media. Yeah. Public speaking, writing, this show, everything, right? And I was transitioning from a really firm salary, benefits, kids college, taking care of like all that stuff, taking care of to, hey, we're going to transition to this 100% commission thing, right? And so we sat down together and came up with a game plan for, all right, how much money does it take for us to live every month? Yeah. How much money is my wife going to have to go back to work for a season? How are we going to contract our expenses until this thing gets moving? Yeah. And so that was a, we were really calculated. And then the most important thing I think was what is an end date that we will sit down and revisit this when we can both say this isn't working? Yeah. And so tell me how many of those conversations did you have other than I got to get out of and I want to really do this thing. And then you want to be a supportive new husband and go, yeah, go do it. Like how many of those detailed conversations did y'all have? We've had all of them actually. So what's the pressure coming from? It's really just based on like the unexpected, I guess. So like, you know, I mentioned health earlier. Sometimes it just, we budgeted, we're both big fans of, you know, the Ramsey group and we budgeted a certain amount for unexpected, but it's just, we've had some things like our, one of our cars got stolen and just another thing. So it's complicated things and it's gone beyond what we even budgeted for. And just also simply sometimes when I express that, hey, like it's just like I'm picking up some side hustles to basically make up for that. And sometimes when I feel like I'm expressing all this, I feel like my wife, she almost feels bad, like she's not doing enough to contribute to the marriage. And I don't really sometimes know how to handle that because she does a lot of things to replace what she did at the school. Like she cleans, she keeps her home really nice and all these other things that I can't do because I'm at the office and I make it a pretty conscious effort to tell her every day that I really appreciate that you're doing this and keeping busy. But sometimes I feel like still there's something that like triggers her to feel like she's still feeling like she's not doing enough or, and I just, I feel like sometimes it's hard for me to express like, oh yeah, we're kind of in a tough situation and I wish X, Y and Z had not happened, but we're here. I sometimes feel like it's taken as, oh, like I'm not doing enough. Sure. Well, there's, I hear three big issues. Okay. Number one is the most frustrating yet the most simple. And that is the math problem. So you'll make enough money to cover your bills, do you make enough money to eat and keep your house, keep transportation and keep your, keep your lights on, right? Can you keep heat in the house, right? So that's number one. And that's a math problem that you'll have to work out depending on how you live and where you live and all those kinds of things, right? So that's number one. Number two is there is a, in every new married couple, I know struggles with this. So you're not, you're not crazy. It took me 15 years and almost breaking up my marriage to get to this point. And so if you can do this now, it will transform everything. And that is, I need to be able to, you both need to be able to say the thing that you're feeling and not take full responsibility for the other person's response to that. And the other person needs to be able to say what they're feeling and you catch your body before it runs to fight or flight. We got you. Right? So I need to be able to say, we agreed on this thing and it sucks right now. Both are true. And I, I, I've started going to the, I go to the club over here every single week I'm there doing sets. I know firsthand how awesome it feels when you have a night that crushes. Yeah. And I also know coming home when I didn't do so great. My new jokes weren't as funny as I thought they were when I was telling them to myself in the shower, right? So it's a, it's up and down. And some nights you make good money. Sometimes you make no money and sometimes, you know, like somebody promises you and it didn't come through. All that's part of it. But y'all, the bigger conversation is not about feelings or I'm not doing enough or, or, or it is, Hey, we're two years into being married. We are always going to be anchored together. We're on the same team. And she needs permission to say, I feel like I'm failing us. And you need permission to a, say, well, I want you to know, I agreed to this and I'm fully on your team and it's messy right now. And I'm still all in. And also you have to decide, I'm not going to rescue her from her own feelings cause I can't. Okay. That makes sense. And vice versa that you can say, I'm working my third side hustle because she quit her job and she's trying to be a comedian, which is a tough road to hoe. Right. I mean, a tough road to hoe. It's, it's hard. And you get to be frustrated on your third shift of the day. And she has to exhale into, we both agreed on this. We both shook hands and said, let's go, let's go try to burn the world down together. And he gets to be frustrated. Both are true. And she's not going to try to rescue you because by the way, she can't rescue you. Yeah. And you can't rescue her from her feelings. Right. I agree. And so that's, that's the meta. I'm saying meta is the, it's the foundational conversation. Can we both say what we're experiencing right now and still go do the next right thing and both of us not try to bail each other out. Okay. Instead of, I'm going to sit in the tension. Remember this line. Conflict is connection. It's actually a good thing. Yeah. Okay. And that, that's probably something we both need to keep growing into. Yes. Especially being young. Well, that's because we've been pretty conflicted. Yeah. Everyone's. Yeah. Your conflict avoidant. And when you do anything as a newly married person and your, and your spouse feels frustrated, sad, annoyed, it's what you love her. You don't want her to be frustrated. So you go run in there and try to fix it. Yeah. And what you're communicating to her is. I don't think you can do the next right thing. So let me do it for you. Mm hmm. And vice versa. And then you get in this figure eight dance, right? Yeah, completely. When you chase her and she chases you, you've tried to fix her and then she turns around and tries to fix you. And then in the middle where you'll cross, you have like a great night of passionate sex. You're like, oh, we're back. And then the next morning it's like, do you have any gigs this week? I don't have any gigs. Oh, okay. Well, I'll work more shifts. I don't want you to. And now we're back to the dance again. Yeah. Right. Okay. And here's the, here's the third big one. Can I give you the third big one and then jump in the jump in with any questions? Here's the third big one. People can do anything. Anything. Go through any kind of hardship. If there's an end date to it. Mm hmm. And y'all have to, trying this new adventure is, and let me say this way, just as it comes to being a comic, I want there to be more comedians. The thing we need more than anything in the world is a, truth tellers and b, places where they make you put your phones away and have a shared human experience with other people and everybody just laughs. Right? Yeah. Behind an orgasm, laughter. Good laughter is the most stress relieving. Like, ah, right? 100%. And so I want your wife to succeed, but it's hard. And so is there an end date? And for everybody listening, this is, I want to start my own mechanic shop. I want to start a power washing business. I want whatever business you want to start. We have to put some checkpoints on the calendar for when we're going to sit down and sober mind and say, how is this going? Mm hmm. Because here's what I've seen happen a bunch. Yeah. She's going to actually be doing this and she's not going to like all of the other parts of comic life. Right? Yeah. The booking, the business, the media, the joke writing, everybody loves to be on stage for 10 minutes, making an audience die laughing. That's like a high that few people can can understand. But that's not the job. That's part of the job. Yeah. It's a business creation. It's a business, right? And so I can see her not liking this, but realizing, oh, I quit my job and now my husband's doing this. So I have to keep doing a thing I don't like. And then you're like, I got to keep doing this. And again, you get in this dance, right? So staying in three months, we're going to revisit it in six months. We're going to revisit it. And all we're looking for is are we hitting our numbers? Are we? How many? How many new jokes do you have? How many gigs do you have? Is this thing, is this thing actually, is a train actually slowly moving out of the station? Yeah. And that's interesting to say that because marches are going to be our check in because it gets us through a pretty busy season for comedy, at least from what I know. So that's a, okay. I was just kind of, I was kind of wondering if, if that like, if that was in a way like unrealistic to set those. No. That's smart. You have to have, you have to have those. And it doesn't mean that you're having good shows. It doesn't mean that you're making a whole bunch of money or anything like that. But part of the check in is, do you still want to do this? Yeah. And it's like, give her permission to say, I actually hate the whole, the entirety of this job. Yeah. Right. And the, but the conversation that you need to have soon, like tonight or tomorrow is this. And here's how I would phrase it. And you can take, you can take whatever version of this you want to use or none of it, but I would sit down with my wife and say this. I wish I'd had these tools in year two. And that is this. I'm so happy that we made this choice for you to go into comedy and to quit your job and to go full force into this. And I find myself on the days that you are struggling with new jokes or you didn't get the gig or one didn't go so well. I'm struggling trying to bail you out of those emotions. Okay. And I want to let you, I want to let you own your own feelings. Followed by I need permission. I want to have permission. I don't say permission like in a mom and dad kind of way, but I want this, our marriage is blessing to be able to come home after working my third shift, which I signed up for. And I'm happy to do, but I also have, I get to be frustrated certain days. Yeah. And I get to be stressed and I don't want you to take that into a shame spiral or take that into a, well, then you have to fix it. Or you got to quit everything and go to job. Some days I'm just frustrated and that's okay. Yeah. It's a, I signed up lifelong for this thing. Yeah. But you didn't sign up lifelong to be married to a comedian. You signed up or to someone who's trying to start a small business. You signed up to be her ride or die, which means you all decide these things together. Oh, a hundred percent. Right. But it's, it's being able to come home and be like, man, today was awful. And I hate working three jobs, but I love supporting you. Right. Those are, those are, it's a both and. Yep. Yeah, it definitely does work that way. It's a, and I appreciate it. I really do. It's awesome. Well, brother, I, I mean, I wish, I wish you guys the best. I wish her the best. I have no idea who she is because obviously this is a pseudonym on the show. It's not your real name. And if we happen to cross paths at the local club here in town, tell her to come up and say hi to me because I'd love to encourage her and, and cheer her on. It's awesome, brother. Thank you for being a husband that's walking alongside his wife, helping her follow her dream. It's getting to that. I, I have permission in my house. It's a, I, it's a good and right thing for me to feel my feelings and then go do the next right thing. And I want to be able to share those things without each of us trying to bail each other out from discomfort. Connection is found in conflict. And that's a great thing for all married people. We come back. A man asks how he can help his wife make friends. I love the holidays. Holidays for my family include a lot of travel, a lot of friends, a lot of food and a lot of chaos. It also includes a lot of late nights. And with all of that going on, it can be hard to wind down and get good sleep. And almost nothing feels better than coming home from a week on the road or sleeping on some camp mattress and falling asleep on my Helix mattress. My whole family sleeps at our home on Helix mattresses. And we all love coming home and getting into bed. I even have Helix mattress in my guest room. And when people come over and crash at my house, especially during the holidays, they all want to know about this amazing mattress they're sleeping on. Helix mattresses are that amazing. And here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not generic average sleepers. So whether you sleep hot, cold on your side, on your back, whatever, Helix customizes the mattress that best fits you to your sleep style. I took their sleep quiz. It took me like two minutes online. I want you to get online and take it to you're going to get matched with the perfect mattress that's just right for you. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off your entire Helix order at helixsleep.com slash DELONI. That's 20% off the entire site, your whole purchase. Go to Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash DELONI and tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on this show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe or like or whatever button you push that will send this show directly into your feed, however you're consuming it, and we'll tell the internet overlords that you're a fan of this show. It helps kick the show up in the algorithm and it gets in front of more people. I'm super grateful. Let's go out to Jeff in Salt Lake City, Utah. What up, brother Jeff? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing? I'm good, man. I had to do about 17 intros to this because my brain's not working today, so thanks for hanging with me. What's up? No problem. So yeah, just so just my question is, I guess, how do I help my wife make friends and kind of just to elaborate on that? She is a stay-at-home mom, three kids under five years old. She is stressed out of her mind, of course, but just looking to see how I can best support her outside of just being at home, being a stay-at-home mom. It's awesome, man. Does she have a gang or no? Is she lonely and isolated? The main people that she interacts with is her family. So we live in the basement of her with her sister. So my sister and mom and her brother also is here with us. What's that? Is that a good thing? Yeah, it can be. Okay, it's not. It's not. It's for sure. The first thing you can do is move out and get your own place. Yeah, okay. Got you. Because right now she's still a younger sister and she's still a daughter. Yeah, okay. And also trying to be a wife and a mother. That's a lot of role toggling in that basement. Okay, I got you. Okay, so it's not. You would say it's probably the best situation then for her to be in. I mean, it's just dependent. I know some sisters that are like best friends on the planet and they're super supportive and they care for each other and take care of each other's kids. And I know some sisters who that they're not around each other forever and they get together and they immediately go back to being 13 and 6. They go right back into their roles. Sure. Okay. And they judge each other and they're mean to each other and they lecture each other and they gossip about each other. And so I don't know the nature of y'all's relationship, but just your pause makes me think whatever value this has, and it's probably an economic one that y'all are saving money on living in this basement, it seems to be coming at a cost to your wife's sanity and emotional well-being. Yeah, yeah, okay. I mean, they do seem to have a good relationship. It's just those few instances where they get on each other's nerves or my wife will kind of, you know, talk to me about how her sister is acting or those kind of things, but I think for the most part it's a good relationship, at least from what I've seen. I'm going to weigh over gender this and so if you're listening to this and you're like, that's not true. It's fine. It's cool. Many of the men I have in my life, myself included, are rather obtuse. We are oblivious to what I would call underlying social dynamics. Okay. We are usually pretty aware if that guy wants to fight somebody. Okay. Other than that, we just walk into a room. What's up? Right? Yeah. Okay. You're telling me about a couple of flare ups that your wife has brought to your attention between her and her sister, but I would be willing to bet money that there is an underlying simmer. Women are often infinitely better and I could go anthropological and say they have to be, right? But they are much better at absorbing existing social dynamics on a regular basis. Okay. And so there may be, and you can ask her about this, there may be an underlying, like it's kind of like being on a farm and walking one inch from an electric fence all the time. Okay. That is stressful. Okay. And then the four or five times you actually hit it and get electrocuted, everyone goes, oh, I got shocked, but that doesn't take into account the always present danger that's right there. Sure. Okay. And so if she opens her eyes and her first breath is a breath of tension because she's living in somebody else's house, which means she is under somebody else's social dynamic, somebody else's rule, somebody else's judgment, that's in and of itself an exhausting way to be a new mom. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Gotcha. Okay. And you was... But when you put it that way, yeah. You and me just dudes are like, man, you only got shocked four times. And it's like, yeah, dude, but that's always right there. Yeah. All right. So that's part one. Okay. Part two is I've had seasons when I ask my wife to do me a favor and I ask her to go, let me take the kids and ask her to go get coffee with a friend. And she has done that for me. Okay. And so I'm not saying, like, hey, you need to go get some friends. I'm saying it would be a gift to me to have some one-on-one time with the kids and you go spend some time with a friend or a couple of friends. Okay. And we've been married a long time now. So she knows, like, oh, am I starting to get a little bit anxious? And I'm like, yep. Or when she said, hey, tonight, I want you to go down to the comedy club, hang out with your buddies in the green room and just tell jokes that I don't want to hear. Then I know, oh, I'm starting to get a little bit grumpy and I need some friend time. Okay. I got you. But if you sit down with your wife and say, you know what you need? Hey, right there. The last thing she needs is to be lectured by another man, right? Yeah. But if you say, hey, it would be a gift to me if you started going to a, are you all people, are religious people? Yeah. Yeah, we're LDS. Okay. So it would be a gift to me if you started going to a women's get together. I don't know what they call them LDS, but like a Bible study or a scripture study or a Hank moms hang out or a young moms get together. It would be a gift to me. Yeah. Okay. And then that actually gives her an excuse to go where she's like, well, I got to do this for him. But actually it's really going to be a blessing for her. Okay. I got you. Okay. She does. Yeah, she does. She does do that periodically when they have them. Okay. It's something she really likes to do, but it's not, it's not very often. And so I don't know if I, if there's some belts that I can do to, you know, kind of help give her that. You're not going to like my last suggestion. You ready? Okay. Yeah. Tell me about the group of guys that you hang out with once a week. Oh, I, I don't have it either. Okay. Yeah. Often wives and especially new moms who are wives feel like I have to be here to take care of that guy. Okay. Cause he's got nobody. Okay. And so if you sat down and said what the, the most common wisdom that you're going to hear is y'all each have to have your own independent groups of friends. Okay. So that you can show up for each other fully anchored in. And so you say, I need to get a group of men in my life just to hang out with, to do something with. I need to get a hobby. And so can we both commit to doing one thing a week outside of the house and we'll both flip responsibilities and roles. But you having other people that you can, most women have three to five friends, the data says, and most men have one and that's their wife. That's it. Gotcha. And so you coming out and saying, I got a group of guys that I go play golf with video games. I don't care what you do. Just go do whatever. Go do the summer salt club. I don't know what y'all doing in Utah, but like go do whatever. And then that gives her permission to go to. Okay. I need to, I need to take the first leap. Yes. Behavior is a language. We need friends. I'm going first. Okay. But also I would love for y'all to sit down and go through the economics of getting your own place, even if it's a small place, it's a, an apartment, but it's y'alls. Where y'all can begin coming up with the rhythms of your own home and y'all are making the decisions for what's okay and what's not okay in terms of cleanliness, in terms of volume, in terms of any of the things that come with having your own house. And I would love if y'all could stay in that basement and save the money and everybody's ride or die together, but it doesn't seem to be the case. Seems to be that your wife and her sister have fallen right back into old roles and man for a new mom and a new wife, that is exhausting to walk that close to an electric fence, especially when you get shocked every once in a while. So have the conversation about getting your own place. Come up with a deadline and a dollar amount that y'all can agree on and reach together. And that might mean Christmas is different this year because in February we're going to move. We're going to get our own place and we're going to begin to establish our own home with our rules and regulations and customs and cultural stuff. And I got to get some friends and it would really be awesome for me if you did the same thing. You're a good man, dude. You're recognizing the tension, which is awesome. Now we've got to take some concrete action steps to move forward. Good on you, brother. We come back. A woman asks how to start journaling to help with her postpartum depression. And the enormous denim has that soft broken in feel with a little bit of stretch like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks awesome. And poncho flannels, like I'm wearing right now, come in original or western styles and they are guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow they're both durable and incredibly comfortable. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit and they're built for real life. They hold up to whatever life throws at you inside and outside. When you are shopping for the men and boys in your life this holiday season, I want you to go to ponchooutdoors.com slash Deloni. They will love poncho shirts. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order. Then tell poncho that you heard about their shirts right here on this show. I want you to take a picture of you wearing poncho shirts or the men in your life wearing poncho shirts and put it up on social media and tag me and poncho. Hurry and place your order right now to get free shipping before the holidays. That's ponchooutdoors.com slash Deloni. Alright, let's go up to Salt Lake City and talk to Katie. What's up Katie? Hi, how are you Dr. John? Dude, I am running a scam. We'll call the YouTube show in a podcast. It's pretty awesome. How about you? I'm doing pretty good. Today is a good day. I got to clean my house, got a coffee. It's all good. That bar is incredibly low. Well done, Katie. What's going on? So I wanted to call because I love you guys, love what you guys do. And I've been dealing with some pretty rough post-prime depression even though I'm 14 months out of having my youngest. And I listened to your show and thought a baby step would be journaling, but every time I open it, I just go completely blank. Or I don't love the thoughts. It's like, I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to write that down even though you say, just get it out of your body. And so then I just kind of get stuck. And I'm in these loops of postpartum, mom guilt, frustration and all of that. I just can't seem to get out of it. So I just didn't know how to start, where to go from there or anything like that. I love your question. Teach me about your experience with postpartum. What has that experience been for you? Well, I have two kiddos, one, three and one's one. The postpartum with my oldest was really bad and she had colic for nine months. So that was just a nightmare going through that. But as soon as she got better, it felt like the sun came out as soon as that got over. And I felt like my postpartum just went away. And I started getting my body back and all of that. And so it felt like it was just in the snap of a finger. It just stopped. This time, I know it's harder because I have a toddler now and on top of it, she's not talking yet. So that's been a struggle for me. And my son didn't like sleep until about a month ago. So I was sleep deprived too. And so I'm just now seeing the light through the trees. And I'm not going to think of it anymore because I think of it was really, really bad. When you say really, really bad, is it catastrophic thinking? Is it inability to sleep? Is it suicidal ideation? Tell me about really, really bad means. I did have a couple of times where I'm just like, they're better off without me. I'm just like, there's no way I can do this. They're better off without me here in their way, basically. And then an hour or two later, it's like, no, that's dumb. Like, stop it. They need their mom. Where's Dad? He's here. He's amazing. He's climbing the corporate ladder because he just wants to provide. And that's his way of showing up, is providing. He's amazing with the kids. The moment he comes and put his bags down, he's with his kids. So he's amazing. Okay. I'm going to challenge you though. Okay. Okay. And I'm not challenging your husband's character in any way. Okay. I trust you. He's a great guy. But the greatest gift a father can give his kids is not more money. And it's not undivided time. Those are important things. The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother really well. And if mom is drowning and dad's on the beach playing sandcastles, and if mom is drowning and husband's flying down the beach in a brand new boat, because he's trying to get somewhere, mom's still drowning. Mm-hmm. So when I circle back and say, where's Dad? Let me change that language. Where is your husband? Um, so we're complete opposites. Don't care. Don't care. I literally don't care. Where is your husband? I think he's focusing on the kids. Okay. I think he asked me, you know, because I've told him, I'm like, I'm drowning. I'm struggling. He's like, what do I do? And I don't know what to tell him. He's like, I want to help you. Like, what do I, like I'm right here. What do I do? Okay. This needs to be remedied. What, like I'm right here. And then I just say, I don't know. Okay. And it's because he's asked me many times, like I've broken down. I've been really honest with him. And he's just like, we need to fix this. Like you, I don't know what that looks like for you. But we need to fix it. And he says we, he's like, you know, he says that. And I just, and he's like, but you need to tell me, cause I don't, I can, you know, I can use what tools I have, but they might not work for you. Sure. And he's right. Cause again, like we're polar opposites. I want to change one word. Okay. From we need to fix this to I'm going to be right here with you. Cause I don't think you're broken. Okay. And I'm not in, in no way shape from a fashion. Am I blaming him? All men that I know, especially the good ones were trained to go solve and fix problems. But in the process, we end up treating our wives like car engines. I can see that. Oh, you're sad. We'll take this supplement, go get this sunlight and then you're off to the races, kid. Cause that's how we are. We're trained. And by the way, that's why we die eight years younger. Right. That's why men have heart attacks and they just drop dead because they're told that they are car engines to be managed, not human beings to be with. Right. And so it sounds counterintuitive. Now, by the way, this is not going to fix or this is not going to heal or solve postpartum. But there's a totally different conversation. If husband on the way home calls a neighborhood high school kid to take the kids upstairs and just sits next to you for 30 minutes and watches an episode of the office. Right. And everyone's nervous system goes back to zero. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Cause he has, yeah, no, for sure. And he has looked at high school kids and just, it never works out with our schedule. We've looked at sitters and it's just not in our budget right now again, because like I said, our daughter's not talking. I got that. I got that. Any free money we have, we're putting into therapy. And so I've dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life and I've had different coping mechanisms for each season of it, my life and somewhere good, somewhere okay and not great. But I don't have the time or like we call it fun money to do any of those things. So I don't even know a coping mechanism for this season of my life. And again, he's like, what do we need to do? And I get, I go back to, I don't know. I want to change everything I've done before. Yeah. And I guess here's the challenge. You've never head directly into it. You've coped with it. Oh, you've never, you've never gone. You've gone through it to get to the other side. You've just managed it. And so think about your anxiety and your depression. Think about it as a smoke detector in your kitchen. You've never looked at the, what's on fire in the house. You've gotten some great headphones. You've learned some good meditative techniques to tune it out. You've taken the batteries out of the smoke detector. You've never looked at what's on fire. Okay. That makes sense. And so I'm circling back to you're not broken. Your body's probably working pretty dang good. Okay. And so it's entering into a season where I don't want to cope with this stuff anymore. I want to heal. I want to walk through it. And I will tell you, I could tell by your language, you have a deep seated long-term sense that you are a burden to the people around you. Yeah. That's accurate. Okay. It's simply not true. You're not a burden to your husband. He chose you. You're not a burden to your kids or their freaking mom. You're not a burden to the women on your street who also are sitting at home, locked in the house, with a toddler who would love to have somebody just go every morning at 9 o'clock. We're going to go for a walk. And I don't care what the NAP schedule is. We're going to get some sunlight and it's going to be too cold and we're going to bundle up and we're going to go for a walk. Yeah. That costs no money. And I do that once a week with a friend of mine just because our, you know, our schedules and the activities. And I know that you're not a burden to your family. Our schedules and the, I know, if they're light up it, but you think this, you think the calendar is more important than you. It's not. You think the schedule is more important than you. You think a toddler's sleep schedule is more important than you. And I above anybody believe in routines, especially for little kids and yada, yada, yada, but not if mom is drowning. Right. And so if you put the calendar ahead of yourself and you put, if you put peace in your house above yourself and you put your husband's climb on the corporate ladder, I promise you this as a husband who has been here, he's going to cross a financial threshold where he thinks he won. He's going to look back and his wife's going to be an ash behind him. I've been there. There's no greater feeling than crossing a financial threshold, arm in arm, with the husband or the wife you pledged till death to us apart. It's the best. Right. But it's a hollow victory crossing that line by yourself. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong. But if you think I'm a burden, then you saying I don't need any advice from you. I need you to sit by me. Or as my wife once told me, one of the greatest things she's ever said to me, ever, I need to borrow your nervous system for about 30 minutes, pull up an episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, a rerun and plop on the couch. I'll be back in a minute. No making out, no hooking up, no nothing. She curled up into me like a Labrador, just tight as a ball. And we watched a TV show together. And it was over. She dropped her shoulders and went, ah, thank you. And she walked away. And I haven't felt that needed and purpose and having purpose in a long time. But if you don't think you're worth cuddling up against for 30 minutes, it's hard to even say that out loud, right? Yeah. Yeah. And I know he would. Of course he would. He loves you to death. He sounds like he's an awesome guy. And even if you give him one little sentence, and this is a magic sentence, I know you're going to think this is dumb. But I want to put on two old John Mayer songs, and I want to slow dance in the living room. And the kids are going to scream and I don't care. Can I just put my head on your chest and we dance? Yep. You. You. Now, none of this stuff is going to quote unquote fix postpartum. If you're still struggling 14 months out, I want you to go see a professional tomorrow. Okay. And then I'm going to do something for you. Okay. I'm making a promise here that I don't know that I can keep, but I'm pretty sure I can. I know the guy. My buddy, Luke Lafever, runs a journaling program called Holy Work. Are you a person of faith? It's complicated. Okay, good. Good. And part of that process can be that his, his program is, is based on people, but I've sent people who are devout atheists and they have benefited greatly from it. Okay. Okay. But it is a, it's a journaling program that it's basically just a guided program and I saw a ton of benefit from it. Okay. And I'll tell you, here's one of the magic things about it. There is a 10 minute free right. It's a vomit session. And then there is journaling prompts after that. And that became the magic thing for me. Cause I like you would just be like, this is dumb. This is stupid. Oh, I feel bad. Okay. Oh, I've got kids. Well, they're not going anywhere. And so I'm going to put my pen down and my life's going to be exactly the same. Right. But there was a 10 minute free right that allowed me just to basically vomit all of the up. And the best way I could, I could see it is I was trying to clean my kitchen, but I never took the trash out in that 10 minute free right takes the trash out. So then I can look at a kitchen without garbage in it. Right. And then get to what, what's, what do I need to think through and write about and experience and feel and then go do the next right thing. How do I do that next? And so I'm going to sign you up for this program for free. And if he says he won't give it to me for free, which I think he will, then I'll pay for it. Okay. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much. Okay. I want you to go through it. I will. I'm not affiliated with him in any shape, form or fashion other than I've been through it and it's a good program, but it's a, it's a, think of journaling as a, as a skill. It's the thing you got to practice. Okay. But I do think you could benefit tonight by sitting down and those things you don't want to write down. I want you to write them down. Why don't you want to write them down? What are you scared about? Um, I think it's more so that I'm upset that I'm feeling that way. I get like disappointed in myself that I'm feeling this way. And I'm just like, no, I shouldn't. So curiosity over judgment. Okay. Curiosity over judgment. Yeah. I need to learn that skill. That will help you with your parenting. That will help you be married when your husband's like, Hey honey, I want to try this in the bedroom and you're like, sick then, or wow, tell me more about that. Whoa. Right. Right. One of those is curious and one of those is judgmental. One of those is an imitation and one of those shuts down everything else and all future vulnerability. And can I just tell you, it's okay if there are days you wake up and you don't want to look at your kids, you're not a bad mom. And there's a, there's days you open your, like you just want to put your fingers in your ears and scream cause they won't stop screaming. And that doesn't mean you're a bad mom. And there are days you want to get in your car and drive from Salt Lake City to the Panhandle of Florida and change your name and disappear. And that doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you human. You're not broken. There's not something wrong with you. Okay. And you may need some pharmacological intervention. That was stupid way to say that. You may need some medicine to help with hormones. Right? You may need some low dose anxiety medication for the next few months to get you through a season. That's fine. It's great. I've been there too. But at the end of that, underneath all of this is you're worth writing your hard thoughts out. You're worth going to see a doctor. You're worth telling your husband, I just want you to hold me for 30 minutes. You're worth calling your friends and saying once a week isn't enough. I want to do three times a week. I don't care about our stupid schedules. Okay. Okay. Do you believe me? I do. It's okay if you don't. I do. No, I do. Because I just, I want to be a better wife and a better mom. Stop. Not just for my kids. No, no, I'm saying not for my kids and husband, but for me. I want that for myself. Because I know being a better wife and a better mom means I'm happier and more at peace. And that's what I want. Let's flip that around. So I think. I want you to find peace. I want you to find warmth and laughter and joy and that will free you to be a wife and a mother who loves recklessly. That sounds better. You know what I'm saying? I do. You're worth all that stuff. Thank you. So we've got your email. I'll contact my buddy Luke and I'll see if we can get you connected. Is that cool? That's great. Awesome. Thank you so much. Well, I'm grateful for you and make sure you hang up the phone and call your doctor. And we're going to start there. And I'm going to get you hooked up with this journey in class. And tonight I want you to imagine two or three things that you can say to your husband, Hey, we're not going to fix anything. I just want you to be with me. The greatest gift you could give me right now is not just a gift. The greatest gift you could give me right now is not your answers, not your advice. But just you. Just you. You're awesome. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. The holidays are a time of traditions. Some traditions are great and some traditions have run their course. It's a great time to reflect on those traditions and what they really mean to you and to ask yourself, is it time to begin to create new traditions on your own? Therapy can give you space to create new traditions, reflect on the old ones, and most importantly, take time for yourself. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. They've served over 5 million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it happens to not be the right fit, you can change therapist at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, Kialia, something cool happened. What is it? All right. This is, oh, I'm going to butcher her first name. Kialia? I hope I got that close to right. Kialia? Kialia. K-E-A-L-I-A. Kila? Kila, I'm good with that too. You remind me of Dumb and Dumber. It's like, ta-ha, ta-ha, it's like, the. All right, she is from Chicago and she writes, John is always talking about how kids are so quick to cut off their parents. I have not had a great relationship with my father since I was born. Oh, adult kids, okay. Yes. Yeah, okay. We have gone extended periods of time where we do not talk. I finally had the opportunity to let my dad know how I feel and put some boundaries in place. They were not initially taken well, but after a few days we talked again and we forgave each other for various things. Since then, he has been more forthcoming and honest with me. We've talked more and more. I am so glad I get to keep my dad in my life. I'm especially glad that I've always had John in the back of my mind when I wanted to give up on the relationship with my father. Thank you, John and team, as I now feel like I have a piece of myself back. Awesome. Very cool, dude. And congratulations for wading through that tension and wading through that conflict and saying, as a person, I love on the other side of that electricity and I'm going to wade through it with boundaries, of course. I'm going to wade through it and see if we can reconnect. That's awesome. I love that, dude. I love that. And for everyone of those calls, we get somebody who's like, it didn't go well, but I still think wading through that tension to try to find connection is worth it. It's awesome. Yeah, and this show comes out on the 22nd of December. Right before. If it's anything like last year, we're about to get a couple hundred emails about, I've cut my parents off or my kids cut me off or whatever because people are just drawing that hard and fast line. And, you know, not everything's black and white. Sometimes you have to do the hard work and then try to save the relationship. And sometimes it's not salvageable. Sometimes it's not because the other person doesn't want to reconnect. But it's worth wading through the conflict most of the time. Thank you so much for being with us. Merry Christmas, everybody. Make good choices. Actually, don't just don't take a few days of not good choices. Love you guys. Bye. Thank you.