Casey gives me a hard time because I'm not fashion conscious, but he did admit I was way ahead of the curve with cozy earth and now his friends are Addicted to it. I bought my first cozy earth bamboo sheets, comforter and pullovers Five years ago way before they became a sponsor and they still look and feel new. Behind the cozy earth comfort is craftsmanship and attention to detail. Cozy earth sheets and comforters and socks and blankets are as durable as they are comfortable and Nothing is as comfortable as a cozy earth comforter. These comforters are so incredibly soft Naturally breathable and temperature regulating. They will comfort you physically and emotionally Discover their supreme comfort craftsmanship and heavenly softness for yourself Head to cozy earth comm and use my code calm for up to 20% off I will race you right now to cozy earth comm and use code calm for 20% off and please tell them that the calm guy sent you With our kids Flexibility without added pressure always works best. That's why I encourage you to have your kids join over 15 million other students who use IXL IXL is an award-winning online learning platform That you can customize for your child's learning style and your busy spring schedule IXL can be used by any student from K to 12 whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling So let IXL help you finish the year strong and build your child's confidence with school IXL personalizes learning for each child keeps them engaged and gives parents clear insight into progress Whether reviewing earlier concepts or tackling new material IXL adapts to each child's pace with no pressure Make an impact on your child's learning get IXL now Comparanting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price Do you have kids who seem to complain incessantly? What about kids who get upset when corrected and revert to negative self-talk? Should you allow a child to quit a sport? What about kids with ADHD who are messy or forgetful? How do you handle kids who one up each other or compete for attention with a younger sibling? What should we focus on in the teen and tween years? These are some of the questions I'm going to answer in today's special Q&A episode of the calm parenting podcast So welcome. This is Kirk Martin founder of celebrate calm and you can find us and our black Friday in March sale at celebrate calm Dot-com. This is the final week of this special sale. So let's jump in and answer some questions I'm gonna try to get through a lot. That's why I talk so fast So negative self-talk a mom said hey if I say hey bud you forgot your lunchbox again today You need to try to remember it next time It will cause my son to pitch a 20 minute crying fit calling himself an idiot dumb Stupid kid. I would never talk to him that way and Listening to him do it to himself is painful. So here are a few ideas for you number one Let's have your son be responsible for packing his own lunch You can help him make things but he has to put it together if possible Let him make his sandwich and put stuff together that way. He's much more likely to remember it number two I would just hand him the lunchbox and keep walking by or change the subject Don't draw attention to it number three. I would not say hey you need to try to remember it next time That's what triggers the negative self-talk and the meltdown It's the embarrassment that comes along with it knowing he's not naturally good at remembering those things He already knows he stinks at that and this kind of feels like it's rubbing it in It's like if you have a certain weakness in every single day your brought boss brought up your weakness You'd eventually you just start saying like oh, why am I so dumb like everybody else is so good at this number four Normalize that he stinks at remembering things like that. Well, of course you forget little things like your lunchbox That's because your brain is busy thinking of bigger thoughts and ideas Like and then you can fill in the blank because many of our kids are like strategic thinkers and they're really deep thinkers Look, you're a strategic thinker, but that means you'll probably struggle with remembering little details See that's just an honest statement and you're pointing out both sides of it the strength and the corresponding Weakness and that's super important for our kids to understand like of course you struggle in this area And that's why you're also really strong in this other area Instead of it being like oh, I can't believe that that I'm no it's like we all have strengths and weaknesses and in part of the debilitating part of our society is that with our kids We spend so much time in society and schools spend so much time just pointing out what they're doing wrong and what they're Not good at no wonder they don't have any confidence So you point that out and say well, yeah, of course you forget things like that because your brain is focused on larger strategic things that you're thinking about and ideas and things that you're going to build and make and put together and sell But then you can transition So let's come up with some ideas You'll be able to use for the rest of your life to remember things So you can use that awesome brain of yours to solve problems create invent things See, I want you to show them how to use post-it notes on his backpack How to send himself Reminder emails or texts that way you are giving your child tools to be successful Throughout his life in an area in which he'll probably always struggle See, that's just that's just very very practical And you're taking out you're taking away any of that stigma from it's like yeah, you're really good at these this area You're not so great at that area. So here's some things I do in order to remind myself look number six I'm a realist. He's just an 11 year old boy He's going to forget stuff at times and I could say the same thing if your child was like four or seven or sixteen They're kids It's not the highest priority for them to remember all these little things you and I do because we're adults and we're conscientious And if we don't do that we don't get paid and then our family starves and so we have a vested interest in that But look you can always just let him forget his lunchbox and then he can be hungry at lunch With and you don't have to take his lunchbox to school for him. It's a hard lesson, but a good lesson Honestly, I don't know that that will really work a lot, but you could just do that But I don't freak out about it look number seven the larger point is this be where this modern obsession we have We're trying to fix all of our kids weaknesses. It is absurd and destructive I do not spend most of my day lamenting the fact that I'm not good at Fixing things around the house or doing calculus or skiing or singing or being a plumber I spend most of my energy doing the things. I'm naturally good at doing or have learned to do well I want you to define your kids by their strengths not their weaknesses Look the degree to which you are successful in life is the degree to which you use your natural gifts talents and passions and usually To serve and help other people and solve problems Life is not about just I've got to fix all of my weaknesses some weaknesses do not need to be fixed question my child leaves a mess Everywhere nothing seems to work So I'd reply this mom on Instagram and said look I'd perhaps start with a goal of creating an Organized mess or confining his messes to particular piles or places So instead of everything scattered everywhere give him a place to dump stuff even if it drives you crazy What I'm looking for here is just some progress and I would encourage you Listen to their two podcast overcoming triggers that set you off messes everywhere part one and two from December 2023 I think you'll find that really really helpful Personal questions because I thought I'd answer what'd you get for your birthday? I find that's kind of an intrusive personal question. Don't you but I'm kidding three things more books I love love love books. I got a new cozy earth pullover and they're not paying me to say that this is just I'm I'm wearing it right now. I'm not kidding when I say it's like wearing heaven heaven And I got cozy earth towels because I'm a sensory freak like many of your kids And it has to feel just so and that bamboo. Oh, it's perfect And so but you can't get 40% off at cozy earth comm slash calm use code calm the best gift Casey our son is planning a father-son hiking trip for us this summer So I hope it's just us hopefully tackling some huge mountain peaks and we get to spend three weeks together And I couldn't ask for anything more meaningful So thank you for all the kind wishes the great feedback from the birthday Black Friday sale question My seven-year-old complains about things not being fair because I carry the three-year-old Down the stairs and then she demands I do it for her She'll scream when something doesn't go right and that triggers my fight or flight response any ideas One change the expectations of yourself and your daughter you have a lot going on. She's seven She's supposed to be irritating at that age take some of the stress off of yourself and her Enjoy her more and a few parents have written lately and said one thing that has helped immensely with your programs It's just getting Perspective knowing it's supposed to be hard. We're not supposed to be perfect It's normal for our home to be messy and defeat our kids mac and cheese a few times a week that I don't have to manage Every single thing my child does and that has freed me to actually enjoy Being with my kids which has changed their behavior more than anything else Isn't that interesting focus on that whether your child is little or nine or twelve or fifteen? Enjoy them and know they're difficult but enjoy them stop carrying your older daughter downstairs instead You can say something like this look I can treat you like a three-year-old But that means you go to bed earlier you don't get to eat X and you don't get all these special privileges or I Can treat you like the older sister see when you act more grown up you get to do more grown-up things So see if you can change from her competing with her younger sibling sibling to Create a special place for her as the oldest one and when you talk to her talk to her like an adult Matter of fact even matter of fact tone especially when she's frustrated I think you were frustrated mom and then she gets frustrated and so It just it just wears on your patience and I get that try to relax and enjoy these years Little kids look their job is to ruin our agenda and make messes so lighten up on your agenda Build time in for you know what to happen every day because it will Question our boys constantly try to one up each other. How can we get them to stop? So we had all these kids in our camps over the course of a decade We called them seven uppers because they would boast Ridiculously so a few thoughts you can't really do much directly because they're just immature little kids and probably insecure And that's why they do this so focus on building their true talents and gifts Give them opportunities to do jobs for older people or other adults Because when other people notice their talents that builds confidence right now. It's just boys being boys You have every right to say you know what the kind of makes you sound ridiculous because everybody knows it's not true But here is what is true and then list five great qualities, right? You see patterns You're amazing at chess and arguing you can see in three dimensions and build cool stuff without even breeding the directions Which also means you'll probably get your family lost while driving and refuse to stop and ask for directions Then beat yourself up and make the car ride tense because you wasted 20 minutes Instead of saving 10 with your shortcut You have I had to add that so you have you have a witty sense of humor Because you observe people and understand human nature and when you combine that with your big heart Man, you're gonna do great things in life. See that's not fake praise That's just truth and it will resonate deeply with your kids over time Okay, what are three things you would focus on in the teen and tween years? This was a really great question from some parents who've got a son That's just getting into that time of life So I said look number one keep a close connection with your son be the parents who don't do drama Even though his world will be filled with drama be patient sit with him Listen a lot even to all the inane teen stuff Bond over horrible music He likes take every opportunity to drive him places because talking in the car is fantastic with teens Occasionally have dad take him out for late night wings or go to iHop Even on a school night just to connect as father and son and enjoy each other and you can do that mother and son Mother and daughter father and daughter Number two affirm relentlessly anything that he does well anything and everything Because our kids in that age group man, they tend to beat themselves up enough You don't have to do that when you do have to correct keep it concise and direct with no emotion Followed by an invitation to grab something to eat why because teen boys are always hungry again great place to button time to bond Number three give your son give your daughter opportunities to shine Using their natural gifts and passions Even if it's with neighbors or other adults find good mentors Because our kids tend not to listen to their parents in the teen years But they will listen to other adults who can encourage them and hold them accountable And then you're gonna hear this again. Enjoy him. Enjoy these years Most of the stuff you encounter with school and grades and teen attitude Don't matter in the long run. It's what I just told you with your toddlers None of you're not gonna remember any of that stuff in a couple years because you're gonna be haunted like bigger issues I want your kids leaving high school with a close relationship with their mom and dad Feeling positive about themselves and their place in the world That's enough all the other stuff will fade away But if you've got that foundation and your kids are gonna crush it and you guys are awesome parents Okay, should we allow our child to quit sports they signed up for and I know what your concern is if we let our child Quit are we teaching him that it's okay to quit something you started the short answer is that it's really smart sometimes To identify when you don't like something and then move on from it quickly Half of life is understanding what you don't want to do some other thoughts most of the kids we work with do not like team sports They excel in individual activities like martial arts rock climbing ballet swimming So I am biased toward just saying hey It's good to know in life what you like and what you don't you push through things that are worth it And that you care about but in other things no you just move on and Sometimes it is the parent who thought it was a good idea to sign their child up for a sport If that's the case and your child just hates the activity or is just naturally terrible at doing it then that's not quitting That's realizing you made a mistake and it's good to rectify mistakes You have kids with short attention spans and kids that are grazers They like to try lots of different things but not stick to it. So don't make big commitments Don't lay out a lot of money Until they have proven that they can overcome challenges and adversity and stick with stuff Don't buy expensive musical instruments or hockey sticks most your kids aren't going to practice So don't freak out about that you could even have them pay for part of their Equipment if they're older so I have no problem with using wisdom and saying hey we tried this everybody's miserable So now on those nights we used to go to that basketball practice We're going to be active doing something we actually enjoy All right, this is a hard one my child just complains all the time and it's irritating and it sounds so ungrateful I want you to know you're not alone I even included an entire section of on this in the updated discipline that works program So I'm just going to cheat and kind of quote right from that Many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation Then two weeks later when grandparents who didn't go ask. Hey, how is vacation? You will hear the same child say Grandma that was like the best vacation ever and you're gonna be on the other room thinking wait what all you did was complain the entire time Here's what's going on This is not a gratitude issue. I am very clear about gratitude It is a superpower in life It is best taught simply by modeling not by obnoxious lectures to give thanks and be grateful in the moment Model it live it let them see how you handle disappointment and adversity in life But that's not what this is about This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally Expressive and when they encounter even a small disappointment they vent immediately and it's usually overblown They catastrophize break now the whole day is going to be ruined Do not correct them right away or try to make it better Do not try to explain or convince them that it's going to be okay. It's annoying. Yes, but it's how they process Emotions I know this because our son is the same way and guess where he got that trait from from me But he is one of the most grateful people I know so it's not a gratitude issue I think this is a good insight Sometimes we catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations When we say the whole day is going to be ruined and it's not well then that's a win So here are some different options for responding that don't involve a study lecture about gratitude And don't involve trying to fix it or make it better You can simply ignore it and know it will pass perfectly fine option You could match the intensity. You know what that does really stink when that happens I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute Sometimes that intense validation just feels good. They feel heard look a couple months ago Casey's grown in a text to me about this blood test He had to do and it meant fasting overnight and well into the next day Plus he couldn't drink water or even brush his teeth in the morning, which is gross and he was venting and catastrophizing I was in the gym lifting weights I remember and my parental anxiety Wanted to say you know, I don't think it's gonna be that bad, but why do we have to do that? Why do we feel compelled? Why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain? So instead I took my own vice and I advice and I just text it back Well, that's really sucks. I'd hate that and guess what he was done venting He just wanted someone to agree with him that it was awful You can agree and problem solve. You know what? That's not fair at all So what are you gonna do now? You may find out they just wanted to vent and that helps You could double down on this just for fun and see how they respond Validate their disappointment. Oh, I hate when that happens and then go on your own rant You know what happened to me the other day? I waited in line for a long time following the rules and then the clerk let someone else just who seemingly walked in Just cut right in front of me and I was furious What would you do in that situation and it may just draw them into a discussion about your issue and Elicit from them a more reasonable response like yeah I'd be mad to mom but it was probably just someone who'd been there before and he had to go get something and bring it back and in a Way, they will have solved their own problem by thinking about yours. Give that a shot sometime I like this one a lot for after school and on vacation Okay, so here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes. It is an arbitrary number I like it because it's between five and ten It's very specific which means there's a clear end to it and it can be very grounding for kids So I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about everything that you do not like about your day at school Or about this vacation you can tell me everything and I will listen But after seven and a half minutes is up no more Then we either either move on or we problem solve how to make it better. We good See that gives them an opportunity to vent But within your boundaries and with a clear end point and then I would refuse to listen and to any more venting Unless something really emotionally important to happen, right? Like there's a relationship issue or they're getting bullied You have every right to say hey, I like that you get your feelings and frustrations out By talking but not everybody wants to hear about it and you can say this and the world doesn't revolve around you So if you're going to vent come do it alone with me. I would at some point ask this Hey, I'm curious. Are you really unhappy or this miserable or is this just how you process disappointment? See what I am most passionate about is I want our kids to understand their very nature How their brains work because then they just know like oh, I'm not just a negative jerk who complains It's like no, this is the way I process Then they can begin to learn to process in different ways and I want you to understand their nature So you can work with their nature instead of fighting it and having so many power struggles all the time So I encourage you moms and dads. I hope you found this podcast helpful I encourage you continue working on yourself break the generational patterns It's a final few days of the Black Friday and March sale Take advantage of that because you have insight into your kids and I'm going to answer one more question But it's personal. It's about the ads that run so you can hang up now move on with your day Thank you for subscribing to the podcast for sharing it So people ask about the ads and how it all works and I know look I'm an avid podcast listener And I know ads can be irritating and annoying and I used to feel the same way until they start advertising on the podcast And then I realized okay, I'm getting all this free content really good stuff I can listen to a few ads so we had recorded well over 300 episodes for years Before and we had any advertisers at all and it wasn't even kind of on our radar It was just like hey, I'm gonna provide this guy what I hope is unique content for strong will kids It's very helpful and then the audience grew and so advertisers became interested and began reaching out to us So I talked to and approve every sponsor we have and what I can tell you is I like the people that I work with I write my own ads we use these products actually both both of us use one skin like I know I'm an older guy But I'm using that I really actually like it's super easy to use and I was at the doctor last week And it's my first time seeing she said you have really nice skin So I sent her to one skin for that and Mrs. Call love happy mammoth products because she's a real stickler for the ingredients We won't use anything that has really bad ingredients kind of what why we like hungry root is because those ingredients are just really good And we do I drink my AG one every day and I don't care what anybody else does I love my AG one and you've heard me talk about cozy earth Even if they stopped advertising I would tell you about cozy earth because I love these shirts and my new towels So look you don't have to listen to the ads I make I do appreciate it But you don't have to right I hate when podcasts are like oh, please listen our podcast is Depending on you listening. It's like no, it's not I can I recorded 300 episodes before I had anybody supporting me I want you to know I make one and a half cents Approximately for every ad that you listen to so I appreciate you listening. Okay. I hope that made sense If you ever have questions about stuff and how we do it. We're not a big Organization we're a family so feel free to reach out to us and I'll pretty much answer any question that you have Because we're a family just like you all right. Love you. We'll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye
