We Have A Condom For That

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamkoko.com slash callkonan. Okay, let's get started. Hey Noah, welcome to Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Hey Noah, how are you? I'm doing very well. How are you doing? I'm doing great. First things first, I understand you're in Massachusetts. Where are you? I'm from said area as well. Whereabouts? I was born and raised in Shrewsbury, which is just outside of Worcester. But right now I live in Woolburn with my husband. Oh, okay, very good. All right, I hail from Brookline. So I know these areas well. And all my family is from Worcester originally. So I know Shrewsbury as well. So I just wanted to make sure that we were super boring up front. And we were. Now, do you ever take root nine? Do you use root nine? We might have to hijack this time. Yeah. I'm moving on from that now. And I need to get some more fruitful area. There's a Volvo dealership. No, okay. Let's get to the now. It's Masta. Okay, Masta. Very good. Noah, we now know I know exactly where you live. And there will be no more questions except for in a few minutes about the Boston area. I want to ask you what you do for a living. Let's talk about that. Yeah, for sure. I am a condom size specialist for a condom company. Oh, here we go. Okay. Here we go. Are you hiring? Oh, excuse me. I'm going to get us right to the next. When you say Shrewsbury, come on. Do you mean hiring? I think you probably took it in a better direction. Am I interested in this right? You work for a company in penis size analytics. Yes, yeah. I mean, I would say half my job is talking penis size. The other half is analyzing penis size. Which do you prefer? Surprisingly, the analytics part. I'd rather stare to graph than some of the pictures. Isn't it great when your hobby turns into a job? Yeah. It's just the greatest thing in life, you know? I mean, I've been obsessed with penises for 10 years now. So it's just great, you know? You do what you love. You'd never work a day. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Okay, let's get into this. Are you saying you work for a condom company? Is that right? Do I name the company or is the company not to be known? No, it's, I'm happy to name it. It's one condom. So if you've ever seen a condom with a round wrapper, that would be us. Okay. You make a variety of sizes of condoms. Is that correct? How many sizes? That's our bread and butter. We have 52 different condoms. 62? Wow. I mean, I've always thought there's just hardly any size, you know, differences when you look at a condom. No, you'd think of there being... Yeah, small, medium and large. Yeah. And Magnum. Yeah. Well, Sonya, you are, Sonya's on fire and Mount Kilimanjaro. Oh, yeah. Excuse me, I'll have them out. Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked. We'll need three guys to take it out to the car. Do you want it to load it in the back of the... I'd like a white glove delivery, please. It's like a Christmas tree. I brought some bungee cords, could you lash it to the roof? Would you like a fresh cup? All right, listen, I... You must be tired of this. Yeah, and listen, we want to be... You probably thought, oh, there's going to be a lot of jokes and stuff. That's not the case in this interview. We're going to really get... Very serious. This is a serious topic. Venus' different sizes, and you must cater to the different sizes. Now tell me exactly 52 different sizes. What is the range, say, from smallest to biggest? For sure, I actually brought some visual aids for us. Who are you? All right, this is good. So does... Just look at laser beam eyes. So something we deal with a lot is we work on a lot of education. So when people demonstrate how to put a condom on, a lot of times they have to just use a dildo like this. Okay. All right. Distracting? It's not distracted to be a professional. The actual color of my penis. It is bright red. It is bright red and translucent. It's got a sunshine color, by the way. It also detaches easily from my body. It goes in my luggage when I travel. So so far, nothing you can show me is shocking. That's like seeing an old friend. All right. So tell us, yes, the range. What's the range? So now we've actually come out with a range of demonstrators to kind of... Because all these demonstrators were just that big fat juicy whatever you get right there. So now we have, essentially, I'll start with our snuggest range, which I'll pop up right here. So this is a little demonstrator. Wait a minute. Very nice. Very cute. Cute. And if we go to a huge name, that thing's massive. I call that thing the jumbo. Well, speaking of, come on. Fits into one of those. Whoa. Whoa. Is that the biggest? This is our biggest. Okay. So we sell condoms to cover a bigger penis than this. However, this is our biggest for demonstrated demonstration purposes. What has, have you ever had someone call you up and it's clearly like something medically has gone horribly wrong, meaning they have a penis that, you know, half of it's in the car still when they're talking to you. Do you know what I mean? Like it takes a right turn, a right angle turn. It takes a turn. It's, yeah, and then it takes another turn. Yeah. There's a couple of right angus in there. Oh, we've had 90 degree bends. We've had 90 to 40, anything in between. So that's people that are trying to have sex with someone around a corner. Essentially, yes. Yeah. And we have a condom for that. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. That's your slogan, John. That's what condoms. What condoms we have a condom for that. So, wow. Okay. And also you have, I'm guessing, different textured condoms. There's the ribbed condom. Oh, yeah. Has it, what's happening out there in condom technology that I would have missed out on? That is a great question. Oh, I know. The latest development in condom technology would be focusing on heat transfer. So something we did recently is we made a condom using graphene, which is this kind of space age material that really helps with conductivity. So essentially, we bond the graphene to the latex. So people feel more of their partner's body heat. Oh. So this thing is emitting heat. It's transmitting heat. No, no, no, no. It's transmitting heat from your body to your partner's. Oh, there was like those, those, those mitten warmers where you can put a setting on it. And you know, you can, you can, everything unsexy. It's just, it's so hard. She was getting all worked up over here. I know. It's talking about like the body, you're like, mitten. It's like mitten. Well, that's in my day. That's what I used to call him. Give me a second. I got to put my mittens on. I think, I think I got to take the reins on them. OK. First of all, Sony, you're like a sommelier. Wow. I'm getting a. Uh. Uh. UDSI is 38. I'm getting a notes of oak. Give them you a little peach in there. Sonip. Why don't you tell us. I want to make sure you can speak from your experience. Well, what I'm curious about, and this is a real question because it sounds like you're saying that the fit is very important. Is it because it could just like come off if it's the wrong size or squeeze your little peepie or your big peepie if it's too little? Like what are the problems with the wrong size condoms? I'm sure that I mean, I have my graphs ready. I have my infographics right here by my side. There's basically what, five major issues, six major issues. The big one is if the penis is smaller and we have a bigger condom on it, essentially, the latex can get bunched up, it can pull out like in the middle of the act. That's a really common complaint. But what really the main issue is is width wise and earth wise condom that's too tight for people. The bottom is too tight. A lot of times that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex. So really it's covering the full penis and then making sure it's comfortable because if it's not comfortable, how can you be expected to perform? You know, do you bring that chart with you wherever you go? Yep, family dinners on the bus. Yeah. Oh, everybody, happy Hanukkah. Oh, hey, and check this out. That's a good white elephant gift. The chart? Yeah. Or the dildos. Yeah, the chart. Oh, okay. That was a nickname. So this is incredible. This is something you've thought about a lot and you'd think, I love the scientific angle that science is always coming up with new things. Now, there were called rubbers many, many years ago. Is that because they are initially made of rubber and now that then they later were made of latex? So it's still a rubber. We still call them rubbers. Not my favorite term. It's not very sexy. Thank you again for bringing it in a very unsexy direction. So far, I've said, so it's like a mitten and I've also said, tell us about the history of condoms of rubbers. And so of rubbers. So I have, I might be the worst person to talk about this. So now, again, you take over. So now take it. We just take it. And I'm admitting I should just step away. Yeah. Let's say I'm a dude and I want to get the right size for my dick, for my dick. Do I send you a picture and you're like, here's what you need. Yeah. How do you know what you're going to put it next to a ruler? How do you do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you need scale? A quarter has to be in this. Yeah. What do we do? Yeah, exactly. How do we do it? This is a good question. How does one measure so that they can order effectively? So actually we created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girth in this fashion and length and this actually something that would come in a happy meal. Yeah. Or like testing your pool water. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So essentially we, we will ship these out. We offer samplers so people, because we have so many sizes, if you buy the wrong one, we want to make sure people set up. And they supposed to measure when they're fully, I'll use the term in gorge. Is that when they're supposed to use it for the measuring? For the measuring. As in gorge is possible. Okay. So you really better be watching something good. Oh, yeah. Like an early man. You've never met a woman. I know. I was like, or with someone who can get you a gorge. You're just, you just want to, you're just talking about watching something. Yeah. From the 60s, it's got to be a detective show probably. I mean, there's some, there's your, there's your manic, you know, some ladies in those shows. Yeah. What about making a mold of your penis? Oh, my God. This is something that I've been experimenting with for a number of years. Yeah. Experimenting with, but never achieving. What do you mean? No, I make them. Okay. It's a little bit of a, hey, we all have hobbies. I don't laugh at your hobby, son. I like to make a mold of my penis and then turn it into a volcano, a little model of a volcano. It's fun. Oh, God. Is that just me? I thought everyone did that. Eduardo, you've made some penis molds and trembling of volcanoes. I don't do that. Yeah. You put little, it's really fun. You put little kind of trees and shrubs and put a little village at the base. Oh, there it goes. I apologize. Hold on. I think I broke it. Your penis, because I know that voice is your penis. Yeah. Is a volcano talking in third person about itself erupting? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm a volcano. Okay. You know what someone has a really lame costume and they just basically say, I'm a wit. But I'm also assuming it's my penis saying it's erupting out its mouth. So how is it speaking? First of all, it's like a ventriloquist so it can drink a glass of water and speak in the same time. My penis often tours with a little dummy and it can drink a glass of water or shoot lava as it's having the dummy say funny stuff. Anyway, again, this isn't where I thought this would go. Oh, my God. Back to Shrewsbury. Now, shoot. Oh, they have a good mall there. Oh, please. Okay. So when people call you for advice, are they very forthcoming about their penis? Are they comfortable talking about the size of their penis? It's a lot of hush tones. A lot of, I'm able to tell that they're either in the bathroom at work taking the call or sneaking off into a corner. Be creative. Just talking with a bunch of people there. Yeah. Hold on a second, gang. What's that? No, no, no. It needs to be really small. I'm off the chart, small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. That's fine right there. Yeah. More potato salad on my plate. Thank you. Wait, I'm confused. Do you have like a hotline? How is this call being facilitated? You do? Yeah. You want to have them sawed online? Wow. Yeah, I'm the size specialist. I'm the resident size specialist. Oh, that's amazing. So, okay. When someone's telling you, do you find that people lie even though it might hurt their chances of getting the right product? Do people, they get on the phone with you and they lie the way people lie to their doctor all the time when they say how many drinks do you have in a week? They tend to shave off a bunch of drinks and they should be honest with their doctor because you're talking about their health, but they still lie. Do you find that people call you up and they add a couple of inches? Do you go by inches or do you on the metric system? I can forth our customers preferred Imperial and I like metric. I like metric because it's a bigger number. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's just so great. I use millimeters just because it's, I got nine millimeters coming your way. Oh, millimeters. That's like a pencil eraser. That's like a pencil eraser. It's a big nine millimeter coming your way. Baby, 17 nanometers of meat. I've got a hundred and forty four. Quinto meat. No, you get that throw around some big numbers. I can point seven grams of fish food. I just came from Davos, Switzerland and I'm packaged 75. Just a heck of meters. Okay, listen, I'm being stupid and I apologize. Yeah. But people lie to you. Yes, I mean, I'll get a lot of that. You know, I have a friend or such and such. A lot of people, I think the go to is they'll say on a good day, it's this many inches on a bad day. It's this many. Um, where's the good days like a dream essential? It's kind of feeling down at the moment. It just had a bad day on the stock market. Talk it off the ledge. I went too hard into crypto. That's the dick talking. Yeah. I lost to nine point nine centimeters. So, uh, yeah, that's, that's crazy. But you can tell when they're lying. Oh, yeah, I can almost the first word out of their mouth. I can basically guess what size they need and whether or not they're telling the truth. I was going to ask you if big dick energy is an actual thing. And then if you like talk to someone on the phone, you're like, oh, yeah, this is a big one. Or oh, it's got a little one. That's okay. First of all, can women tell just by like big dick energy? Yeah. I mean, I think there's a reason the term exists. You can tell that someone's like comfortable with themselves. There you go. Right. You're not going to tip over on a high wind, you know? Oh my god. Like it's a tripod. And you're saying they're going to be supported. Yeah. I think I think I think I'm quite confident in this high wind. I shall not call. Oh my god. Ah. Well, anyway, so, so, uh, you can tell and you just, do you ever walk around like a guy at a doing a party trick and just call out people's number? Oh my god. Yeah, just like those. I just go. So you can turn on like the art or an act. Yeah. You know, oh yeah. Wow. So, well, Sonia, you say you can tell. Well, I, but he, he's obviously way more educated in this field. He's an expert in this field. I'm curious if like when people call and you can tell that they're like bigger, smaller, you could just tell by their voice and the way they're talking and stuff. Oh, yeah. I mean, like there's a lot of southern draws on bigger guys. Uh, there's a lot of people driving bulldozers, people driving semi trucks as they're talking. That's crazy because I drove a Peter belt in here today. And I'll tell you what. It is hard to get through the doors and towns. Shit. Oh my god. Well, I got here quite speedily in my Hugo. It's a two cylinder engine. It runs on bubble bath. My car is in my briefcase as I speak. Oh, God. You see me driving off. Oh, man, that was fun. Anyway, look, I can joke because I'm quite happy with my situation. The lady and I do me lady, don't protest. I think so. What are you talking about? Hey, I got something crazy that my first experience with condoms was making blood packs squibs. Do you guys ever have, because that's what they use for blood packs and movies? Do you ever have movies retail? Why are you crying? I love that I was the guy who was taking us in an unsexy direction. And then professor nerds comes over here. I stand by it. Did you know what? It's many of my biggest made of a condom. You know, I didn't go to my age grade graduation dance because I figured out how to make blood packs squibs. Oh my god. That's BDE for you right there. Oh, boy. You don't have to answer that one. You can answer off air. Yeah, sure, because I know you're going to want to. Hey, what do you think is the next? What's the next advance in condoms? What do you think's coming up? I know there's the heat transfer, but let's look like 10 years in the future. Yeah, like Pock Rocks. Will we even be, yeah, exactly. Pock Rocks. Something where when you ejaculate, it triggers various like fireworks and stuff to stimulate both man and woman and man and man. Or the condom or the man and woman or the condom version of a, of a viagra pill where you put the condom on in it. Yeah, what about that? Yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah, that is a common request. We get that very often. It's a difficult condom with that built into it. Yeah, the typical solution. Yeah, wow. Is that existed? I have to say they have like, I think you can like rub it on your hand like gels and cranes. I don't know if they work. That's not something that we get into. Well, I think, uh, Sona should be working for you. Yes, because she's having great ideas left and right. I think Matt and I should have nothing to do with this business. No, I would agree. Yeah. I think that's right. Well, did you have a question for me? I'm an open book and sometimes are people that call in have questions you may not. Yeah, I was, I wanted to know, do you think that size matters in general? Well, uh, well, that would be a question I think for the ladies. Don't you think? I mean, I'm a big proponent of what you do with what you've got. So I really, I think so. It seems like size matters more to the man. I think so. I think it it. I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are. I don't know. I mean, it's not like we're like, is it big enough with pull out a ruler and just check your girth and your size? It's just you and your in it. You're in it. You know, man, you're just in it. Yeah. I think all our licenses have been revoked for a lot of conversations today. So we've learned that. Yeah. I mean, no, you know, I don't know about these matters. I'm famously out of touch with my own body and I very tightly wound and repressed. Sure. So I shouldn't even be speaking to you right now. In fact, I passed out a while ago. This is an AI Conan. It's an AI Conan took over. And the real Conan is that was at a hospital. He said a UCLA facility. It's being worked on right now. They're trying to resuscitate him. I do feel like we could do an hour with you Noah. No, we really could. You're a lot of fun to talk to. And it's a very, but guess what? Like so many things. Yes, there's a lot of jokes to be made and we've all had our fun. Tee hee hee. But you're helping people. And I was going to say you're doing the Lord's work. I don't think that's the right thing to say. I mean, the Lord makes the peepies and he's helping the peepies. What do you keep going in the peepies? He's shutting off the tap. Oh, I see what you're saying. But you're looking at it from like a, that's the only reason you do it. When you know I can do it for other things. No, no, no. You cannot be for pleasure. What Conan? No. Sure I can't. Only procreation. Oh boy. Okay. There's two timers clinging over here. I had sex twice. Bingo both times. Two timers club. Oh my God. Well, listen, Noah, seriously, you are helping people and it's a very, and you know what? I've always found no matter what someone does, if they take it seriously and they're really knowledgeable about it, it's fascinating. It really is. And so, now back to Shrewsbury. Oh my God. Okay, that's all the time we got for today. You just put a comment on your own. Shrewsbury on a podcast. Would you say they're Noah? I said I can do an hour on Shrewsbury. Easy. Yeah. I think that would have been me even more sensual. Actually, we had done that. Oh yeah. If you've been to Shrewsbury, you know what I'm talking about. Noah, so cool to talk to you and thanks so much for reaching out to us. That's very cool. I'm pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's so nice to meet you all. Nice to meet you too. What a lovely fellow. I know. Thank you, Noah. Kona No Brian needs a fan with Kona No Brian, Sonom of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Liyah. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of serious XM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Kona. Please rate, review and subscribe to Kona No Brian, needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are