Mike Cannon & Brendan Sagalow - Devil's Foot - Episode 925

You guys, this has been the best weekend of my life. It really has. This is the best, and best ever. I'm having the best time. I did get a concussion last night. They told me I shouldn't sing, and I shouldn't crowd serve. You know what I said? I said, you, it's Skank Fest, bitch. We're all skanks, the fans are skanks, the comics are skanks, you're a skank, I'm a skank, he's a skank. I mean the first one was at the creek in the cave. It was like a small backyard, I think there was like 80 people stuffed in. He's eating ramen noodles and rollerblading like a down the west side highway. Can I get an amen? Can you feel the spirit of the Lord inside of you? My entire life, I knew I was a freak. I knew I was different, but I never knew I was a skank too. Gil Kratom presents SkankFest 10. Presale starts Monday, February 16th at 2 p.m. Eastern. Get your tickets at skankfest.com. Hey, guys, before we start the show, we got some great news. If you love the Legion of Skanks and you want to show it off to all your friends, we have great merch available. You know, all the original classic hoodies and designs that you love and a bunch of new stuff coming out all the time. Now, over at skanksmerch.com, we have our brand new beanies. That's right. You still got a couple months of winter. So wrap your head in the smooth, silky essence of your favorite skank. Head over to skanksmerch.com right now and get yours today. Let's start the show. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. It's a freezing cold day in New York. It is your favorite podcast, everybody. We are here at the Stan Comedy Club. We got Davey Smith. We got the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. I'm Big Jay Oakerson. We are the legendary Legion of Skanks. Oh, my God. It's so cold. It is cold. Solid intro, though. Thank you. Thank you. Sometimes it rolls. It's the only thing warm about this fucking day. God damn it, it's cold. I got a fucking ticket. I'm so pissed. What are you, an old Jew? Relax. I got a ticket. Oh, you go vault. This weather. My hemorrhoids acting up. I see why my mother went south. I got a ticket, and I got a ticket for guys and dolls. The 20s. we have an amazing amazing show for you guys tonight when we get our guests out here I want to tell a funny story about what we thought our guests possibly was going to be tonight because it makes me laugh amazing amazing show everyone you know from Fart Carnival he's one of the co-hosts of Fart Carnival right here on the Gas Digital Network he's got a special called Traumatized Animal clap it up for the hilarious Mike Cannon Yeah, buddy. What's up, boys? America's hottest basketball. Me and Mike are working on the same job site. Yeah, dude. I just really, too. You guys are appropriate. Tune me on both with the logo. Yeah, neither one of us have ever done any hard labor at all. It looks like you're on probation road, you know what I mean? Like where they bring you back afterwards. It's like 90s WWE wrestlers. We are the garbage men. Yeah. It's the working boys. our second guest it's Mike's co-host over there on Fart Carnival and he's got a new single out right now called Cutlery right now on Spotify make some noise for Brendan Sangalo is that your song? yeah is that Cutlery? yeah yeah yeah four four four four no they're just naming the number of people in the room four It was cold. It was cold. A funny thing was we thought for a hot minute a few weeks ago that Fred Durst might be the guest tonight on the show. And then also Kid Rock sucked shit last night on that halftime show. So I'm trusting you to be the white rapper who's going to bring it back for me. I got it, you guys. Thank you. I got this, you guys. My name is Ford. It's four, baby. It's just four. Gang, gang, gang. Jump the boogie. By the way, when I was... Now, Hal, big's your pussy. Let me ask you. This is for the ladies that don't have any standards. Is that a glass of chocolate milk? Do you have a glass of chocolate milk? It's iced coffee, actually. Okay, good. Chocolate milk would be a crazy thing to have as an adult on a podcast. And if you did, you would say it's iced coffee. I'm not as quick as in my rider. Chocolate milk on ice would be bat shit. Well, if it was warm chocolate milk, you've got to get it cold somehow, my friend. Don't turn on me. My ex-wife used to put ice in milk, which was probably the beginning of the end. That's a crazy thing to have to allow in your house. I get it. Iced milk is pretty fucking nuts. It's weird. It's going to water it down. It's fucking nuts. Yeah. You're going to find a reason to cheat. That's why. That was a real issue. She's Hispanic. I don't respect that shit. Ice with milk, bad bunny love. My daughter was actually so funny yesterday because I asked her, I go, you want to watch Super Bowl with me or do you have plans already? She goes, I'm going with mom to watch the Super Bowl to mom's house. And I was like, your mom doesn't really care about the Super Bowl. Is she having a party? And she goes, look, Eagles in the Super Bowl, I come to your house. Bad Bunny's doing halftime, I go with mom. They had to go Hispanic out for a while. Seriously, we all wanted to love Kid Rock. We wanted to. Everyone at the house. What do you mean? Dude, we wanted to love the performance. We turned it on being like, this is going to be fucking great. I thought Kid Rock was going to fucking bring it. Yeah, we thought he was going to bring it. But it was going so bad from every other performance. I mean, there was like four ballads in there. It was bad. The energy was not. I would rather watch Charlie Kirk get shot in the neck again than watch the Kid Rock performance. Over and over again on a fucking loop, dude. That was the worst thing that I've ever seen in my entire life. I'll tell you what. So much so that I love Bad Bunny now. He turned me into a Bad Bunny fan. I'll tell you this. I saw those pictures after last night. They showed a lot of pictures of Charlie Kirk, and that guy really had a big round head. I can't believe they hit his neck and missed that face. Well, his features covered so little of his face. Yeah. It was like right there. Yeah, just right in the back. I don't know if he hated Jews, but he had a yarmulke of hair on his head, yes? A little bit of respect. A man died. His name was Kid Rock. His name was Kid. It's Kid. Man, they did a funny, like, I saw some AI thing of Erica Kirk, and it was like, America's favorite widow. And it was like her doing a pole dance routine with fireworks all around her. That was like, for a month, that was like a theme. It was a thousand of those. There was probably hundreds of thousands of versions of that template they made. I don't think a single one of them wasn't funny. Oh, they were all great. Every one of them. It was just normal grieving widow. There was the one with the car shooting fireworks at him. Her coming out like little yachty at the fucking festival. All of those are great. The Hitler one was maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen. What was the Hitler one? They do the little yachty entrance, the best entrance ever. They do it with Hitler coming out. It's one of the funniest things ever. It's the best one. Show the original first. So you have the point of reference. It's only like a couple seconds. It really is. I got to tell you, I don't give a fuck about much new rap. I don't know a fucking thing about Lil Yachty. But you love Hitler. It's a pretty fucking dope opening. Yeah, yeah. You know the opening of it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's like twirling the microphone. Yeah, it's great. Damn, dude. I can find a full screen so people can enjoy it. There you go. Bigger. Yeah. Bigger. Oh, wait. I'm saying that wrong. I pronounce my N's like B's lately so they made a thousand and one like AI over that oh yeah Just a swag boost up. He's feeling it. Yeah. One, two, three, four. Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. That was so good. So good. Damn, that pumped me up. Hell yeah, it did. The Hitler one. But yeah, Kid Rock was ass garbage. He shot out of the floor. They didn't affect shooting him out of the floor, and you just couldn't tell even. Oh, he shot out of the floor? Because his knees are too old to do that. He kind of didn't shoot out of the floor. He just kind of like spit out of the floor sort of. And then he took his hat off immediately, and you see he got like a fucking like a new single mother's haircut or something. It's fucking crazy. The whole thing's nuts. He convinced his black girl drummer to show up, though. Whoa. Oh, he shot it. No, he shot it. You saw that, Jay. That was like William Hunt. You know what, Jay? I take it all back. This was a great performance. His name is Keej. Keej. Keej, baby. Keej. He really shot out. He used to be really cool. I just think he was really cool. He used to be cool. He almost dropped that belt. He's just like Dante Nero. A couple things going on here. One, he's got a fucking wristband on like a lady who's trying to get laid at a fucking bowling alley bar. Hey, my name's Ruth, and I'll fuck anyone. Are your hands doing an impression of Kid Rock? No, they're not, dude. That's what it is. Bobby Kelly bought me these. I know. I stand by them. You should stand on them. Ow. Blind your foot into the ground. No, but the spikes. Stand on them with your hands in them. Stop. He lip syncs, I believe, another live version of this. Because he doesn't even try it, but it's like, it is a live, it's very strange. Did you see this at all? I saw him lip sync it, yeah. But he lip syncs, here's the thing, he lip syncs this song, but not the one he sings. Oh right, he sings the song, the other song, right? Damn dude. I like that he's in khaki shorts. I think they're jorts. You turn up a lot. It's really low. It's really low. Yeah, that's awful. Oh, it gets way worse. Oh, yeah. Did you not see this? No, I watched it today. I mean, he has to be on drugs, right? I think he's all fucked up here. Oh, he's not even kind of. It's crazy. Yeah, he just didn't. Oh, God. Oh, God, why? His fucking minivan haircut. I'm not going to be one of these people that pretends that Kid Rock is cool. He was cool. He was kind of cool. At Woodstock 99, he was fucking cool. When he had that midget with him, he was cool. Yeah, Woodstock 99 was fucking real. Yeah, but everybody would be cool with a midget. Yeah. It's true. But I saw him. I said it. Let's see Hitler with a midget. He won the real bad again. Hitler with a midget. I didn't give a fuck about Kid Rock when the first couple songs came out. You know, the big album, like Ball with the Ball and the other. I thought they were fine. They were like radio songs to me. And I just saw him on a lineup with like Metallica, Korn, and System of a Down. He was fucking great. He was like performed wonderful. He plays every instrument on stage. I thought he was great. But like he has become. I said it was funny. When I did the Jelly Roll roast. He was standing behind me, and somebody from Burt's team goes, he goes, hey, Kid Rock's like five feet behind you. And I went, man, that would have meant the world to me like 10 years ago. I go, now I kind of hope he doesn't talk to me. He's such a weirdo. Hey, Jay, Kid Rock is three Joe C's behind you. Dude, he was three foot nine with a 10-foot dick, dude. Hell yeah. Three foot nine with a 10-foot dick. Every song he had to say that. Yeah, Kid Rock, every time I've talked to him, he's said the N-word quick. And then he says things like, it's cool. R. Kelly told me the conversation once I can say it. And I go, that's not the person you want signing off on, saying. He's still one of them. They can grant an N-word pass all the same. I mean, if any black guy could, right? I don't think you need. I'm in the pro Kid Rock side, by the way. One black guy can grant you an N-word pass or 10 white people. If you get 10 white people to sign off in your N-word pass, I feel like that's a fair number. Certainly, at least if one of them is going to be the mayor, there's ten whites. One of them is going to have some political power. Yeah, it was terrible. And look, I want to like it. All the people online are like, why do you want to like it? I'm sorry, you wanted to watch the woke halftimes? You want to like it? Yeah. Listen, dude, you've got to pick sides in the culture war of halftimes. And so what do you want to do? You want to be over with those MSNBC fags? I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. I hate to say it. Come over here. If you tell me Kid Rock's performing right there and Bad Money's performing right there, 100 out of 100 times, I'm going to see Kid Rock. Yeah. But Bad Money put on a world's and world's better show than Kid Rock. There were also so many more fat asses. Oh, yeah. Well, hot chicks are back on TV. That's the thing. It's awesome. For a few years, it was all ugly fat lesbians on television. Yeah. And now they're like, you know what? We're sick of this shit. Let's bring hot people back to the tube. Yeah. Trump. I love it, dude. Trump. Trump. Trump. Trump. In a Trump's America. You've got to give him credit for Trump. I will trade off on eating baby bacon to have some hot chicks on TV again. Or baby jerky, sorry. Is this the closest you two have been to people on the Epstein list? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're on the list. That's awesome. Congrats. Thank you. That's bigger than BuzzFeed. It's huge. Congratulations, you guys. That's like 12 Seth Simon articles. I mean, don't get me wrong. It was just for us being at the cellar, but I actually did go to Epstein's Island. and I just use encrypted messaging, like a smart pedophile. How incredible that he was there in the three-week duration that you were at the cellar. I'm telling you. He's like, look, Lewis, a pedophile's going to be. We have a special pedophile. Bring in Lewis J. Gomez. Bring in Lewis J. Gomez. We may have said it, but the realness of it with these, whether it be like scholars and all these fucking people, that are in those emails, they really write in the emails things like, oh man, 14 years old, does she have great boobs? She has the best boobs. She goes, can I fuck them and suck them? Yeah, man, of course you can. I mean, if you were going to fuck children, wouldn't you at least download Snapchat to send your messages? This is crazy that they're emailing this much. I am more cautious texting the Legion of Skanks group chat than they are sending emails to what is five years now, been convicted pedophile. I get a VPN before I text Louis. Imagine, though, the dude fucking got charged and convicted of it, and there's people after that still comfortable enough texting him. You're chasing that child pussy dragon. Will the pizza be there? You know, that 10-year-old boy pizza. I love pussy young, and I hear you're the guy. Dash Bill Clinton. Yeah, and they're doing email talk. They're circling back on that 14-year-old pussy. He goes, tell me about it. It's always like civilian, dancer, old boyfriend, loves to fuck 10, dick sucking lips. It's like Noam Chomsky. What is it about the baby? Elon Musk even like begging. He's like, I want to go. Can I go? Let me go. I want to go. I missed it. And you almost see them. He's so annoying. They're almost like, yeah, but we'll circle back with you next time. We'll get you in a Tuesday. What's the rumor about baby jerky? They're saying they're making jerky out of babies? I think the thing is that jerky is a code they're claiming for like human meat. Yeah, baby jerky. Can baby jerky on my face? Baby jerky is pretty literal. I want to get a little baby jerky. I think it is. I mean, I'm just saying if you were going to talk about it, you'd probably call it that. If I'm baby horny enough, maybe I'll get a little baby fucky while I'm there. Baby sucky? And he went full Walter White and ordered all this hydrochloric acid the day he was charged. Yeah, that one I saw. What? It was crazy. It was such a weird, he ordered 17 drums of fucking body melting acid the day they were like, we have a warrant for your property. He goes, no problem. Time to clean up after the party. Let me just Amazon something over here real quick. Oh, this is just a bucket of bones. He's just shooting a baby. He's like, Kobe. dude i saw someone and i kind of it was someone i like but like uh they were like uh kind of trying to defend noam chomsky and like i read some of his shit and i liked him and stuff but like they were like they were like i don't care what it says in the files he was a great leader and he contributed to this and you're like nah dude like you can't you can't react yeah and so he gave him advice on how to beat a pedophile charge whatever like yeah yeah uh it's all kind of weird there's so much. Here's the thing. There's so many pages of that that I looked at a couple things and I was like, I can't do this anymore. Let them fuck kids. It's too much work. I'm not doing homework to catch pedophiles. That's how quickly society gives up on protecting children. They're like, what? Alright. I'm not doing work. We're going to protect children from here on out. From this point forward. No more kids are being hurt, dude. You can't turn back time. What are we, fucking magicians? Come on. You got to keep your eyes forward. You knew he was not fucking kids. Baboni. Oh, Baboni? Baboni. Yeah. He might have fucked some kids. He's Puerto Rican. How good did Ricky Martin look, too? Yeah, Ricky Martin looked incredible. He's fantastic. He's got AIDS. Bad Bunny bounces that dick. Does he have AIDS? Probably. He's gay, right? He bounces. I mean, guys come in his butt, so maybe. Yeah. He has no crow's feet. It's so funny. The amount of times that I thought I had AIDS just from having sex with normal white women. If I was gay, I wouldn't be able to fucking, I wouldn't be able to get through my day. I'd have to get AIDS. He would have died in 1987. Oh, yeah. If I was gay, I would have definitely gotten heat unquestionably. A hundred percent. Yeah. One million percent. No, Bad Bunny grabs his dick more than Michael Jackson, man. That guy really goes for his piece. He's got a huge piece. I did enjoy watching him hold a football, though. It looked like. That was his piece. It was like a wrong football. It was like a basketball shaped football. Yeah, it was a James Naismith basketball. Yeah, everything meant something, I guess, in his thing, right? Yeah, yeah. There was like, uh, Hello. Hello. Hey, I'm holding American football. Funny, yes? He said, please don't build a wall. Did you see Jessica Alba on the porch? I did. She was just there. Unbelievable, dude. Yeah, she looks great still. Holy shit. It was like all like Latin people? Is that the idea? No, and then Alex Earl, because she's banging Tom Brady is just the lone white chick. Arrhythmically dancing. Yeah. Look at this. He fell through the house. It was fun. Rewind it. That was actually the coolest part of it. Yeah. He fell through the house. Guys, we want volume. Oi, ai, ai, ai. I fought to the thing. Oh, no, my roof. I'll pay for that. Somebody is going to... Oh, I already... Fuck your door. Yes. Back to the pussy. A lot of pussy. Part ways, pussy. Part ways, please. I said part ways. I must get to the truck. They definitely quick pan to two guys grinding. Look how hot these chicks are, dude. Oh, my God. They're all American. Hell yeah, dude. Puerto Rico is part of America. Right there. Whoa, way. Way by, as they say. Motherfuck. I missed that. I didn't see that during the show, too. Holy tostonies. Let's go back and pause that, please. Holy stuffed burritos. Guys, fucking guys, fucking guys. Spanish people can be gay, too. Spanish people can be gay, too. We're not gay. We're just hot. Yes. open your butt off for guys. We're just so Latino. We're so hot. I'm rubbing my dick on his dick. That's not gay. We actually fucked a woman until she was dust. Reynaldo, can you believe it? We are docking on live television. Your penis is in my forehead. Guys having sex with guys and then some other guys. And the girls can hang out too. Guys Having sex with guys And other guys Nobody gets AIDS Everybody's guys Girls can only dance There are people legitimately that watch this That are like angry Like just Republicans that are like This is fucking an abomination This is why you don't park your car in Spanish Harlem They have a little You come outside You're like get off the car Is that a Pepe frog? Is he actually trolling? Looks like the Simpsons. That's fucking rules. It's wearing some Jordan fucking Concords. This is the only song I knew. Me too. I was waiting for the ball. What do you know it from? TikTok. Ah. Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, my God. That was him right there. He should have been holding the Taco Bell dog. He looks like Puerto Rican Ori Shafir They said This show was completely for TV They said the people that were there They were watching it on the Jumbo Street Only if you're on the field Can you even see that anyway When I saw Rihanna She brought it Rihanna when I was in the Super Bowl She brought it hard Where were your seats? She slayed all day Where were your seats? Her face card slayed and never declined. She ate it all up and left no crumbs. Where were your seats? Wherever Burt got them. Yeah, they were great seats. They were funny. You were on the stage with Rihanna. It was great for you. I don't know. Middle of the first bowl. Top of the first bowl. Well, remember when Beyonce performed and then all the lights shut off because they were indoctrinating Blue Ivy into the Illuminati? Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the basement of the arena. A rabbi sucked their dick. It's all in the Epstein files. You can read all about it. It's all about it. Right next to me and Lewis's name. Would you be okay if they were cloning babies to eat? Clones. To eat? Yeah. Eat, fuck, whatever. Why do you have to eat them? Like human? They're not cloning a ton of babies. Just one for everyone they abort. They clone a different one. All right. Is a clone really? Do you call it even a life? I say no. What? I say you do whatever you want with that clone. Lewis, are you working on cloning someone? Lewis, are you torturing a clone at home? Lewis, yeah. Any plan like this, cinematically at least, has gone haywire. No way, dude. Yeah. I'm not a clone! It's really not a clone! I feel! Do you want to make a clone so you can fuck your own clone? Oh, dude, I would fucking... I wouldn't need anybody. If I had just another me... I would pay to watch your version of Multiplicity. Oh, yeah. A thousand Lewis's? We're just killing each other. 22 of them are fighting. One's cooking. One of them's fucking a baby. This is a clone, right? That's not the clone. That's the real one. Would you bottom for your own clone? Is it gay to fuck your own clone? These are the types of partying questions. Is it gay if your clone fucks you? No, it's just testing the merchandise. Still a dick in your butt, even if it's your own. Because it's not your own. You not like plugging yourself in like a gas Is it just masturbating if your clone fucks your ass So is it gay to suck your own dick you think No No but is it gay to suck your clone dick It does feel gayer Is it gay to suck your own dick? No. But I'm only, I mean, if I could suck my own dick, I would have done it multiple times, obviously. Where would you come? Where would I come? Yeah. In my own butt, somehow. This feels like a podcast in the future. I'm sure if your dick can reach your mouth, it can reach your butthole. By the way, this was the first conversation on the first podcast ever. for a million dollars. For one million dollars. Would you suck a dick? The answer is yes. Yes. We'd all suck a dick for a million dollars. Let's move on. Maybe not Dave now. Dave would. Dave would not. One million dollars, cold hard cash, nobody knows. Dave, come on. Nobody knows. Nobody knows doing a lot of heavy lifting. I mean, you would know. Just your son. Tell you what, that answer does change through the years, though. Yeah, I don't know. A million dollars? First off, there's been a lot of inflation since we all first agreed to that. It's not that much money. But even if it's the same thing, the million dollars, again, it just seemed like a lot more money when you would take that thing. And also, again, what you had to lose from it didn't seem as much. It's so funny. It's like, would you suck a dick for an average house in New Jersey? Well, what do you have to lose? No, but the idea, when you get that question when you were younger, if you went the opposite way of someone would go, no, I wouldn't, if you said yes, most people were like, for a million dollars, I'd suck it on TV. I'd skip it for seconds. I'd start again every commercial break. I'd strangle my own mother while I sucked a dick. One million dollars? I'd be his personal fuckboy. Every time he texted me, I would go over there and suck his dick again for one million, and now you're like, well, no, just the once. Oh, fuck. I mean, I guess you technically did in front of an audience. What? But it was a fake penis. Who are you today, dude? You want to go? Remember you stuck that guy's door? What happened? There can only be one neon beanie. I just remembered. There can only be one neon beanie. Wait, coming at me, dude. Yeah, you're right. Cannon's taking Lewis to the hoop tonight. The local 118 versus the local 111. The Teamster boys are coming out. It's going to be a rumble. You suck one dick and they call you a nigger for the rest of your life. Dude, wrong. Is that the wrong saying? Yeah. Shit. Faggot. Oh. Oh. You suck one faggot and they call you a nigger for the rest of your life. Hello, Uber? Hello, taxi, Uber, take me home. It'll be bleeped out on the YouTube. You're fine. We got it. No, I don't care. It's all over for me anyway. You're associating with the wrong people. Sagalow says the end word in his new rap song 73 times. Why don't we do a world premiere? You have a video for it? No, no, that's an old song. Oh. But I put all my music on Spotify recently. Why does he have a new single called Cutlery? I don't know, because your producers suck ass. Wow. Damn. What'd you suck an ass for a million dollars? Go. Just kidding, you guys. Because you already do for free. Just kidding, you guys. Damn. No, no. We need a bigger crowd for these insults. Everyone here feels like we're all a little small family, so we're like, oh, let's not turn on each other. Come on, guys. It's on the first day of Lord of the Flies. Yeah, when I insult the producers, I need you guys to laugh a little bit more, or else it feels weird. This is a producer suck shit. Ooh. Shots. Fire. Whoa, man. Alex and G. Mike try real hard. Hey, who is this guy? It didn't hurt that or help that Alex was just like... Oh, yeah. Picked up a microphone to rebut and then didn't have the energy to say anything. You're fat. No, I put that song out years ago. But now all my music's on Spotify, so just look up Sag Daddy Da God. you gotta say it confident man just look it up that is a very difficult thing with doing music too because there's like like a put on kind of confidence like the swagger of music that a comedy mind doesn't really have you tell me before my special when you were like go out there and like slap everyone's hand in the front row and just take that moment and when all the shit's playing the music's playing everything and I was like you're gonna want to go And he's right. I would have went out there and been like. Yeah. You know, like, everybody does that in there. No, right. Everybody does that in their special where they come out and they're like, guys, stop. I'm not that good. Yeah. You're going to be disappointed. Just fucking shut up. Tell the joke, you fucking monkey. No, but you were even saying more like take the moment in. Like, it's like you could let that rock star moment happen for 10 seconds. You don't have to always be out there and be like, how dumb is this? And you taught me this very early, Jay, since we're talking about lessons. we've taught each other, but it's like set up punchlines. There's just rule of threes. This is misdirection. You taught me this. When the crowd laughs, keep saying that. The K sound phonetically hits the ears. No, no, no, but it's just like because inherently comedy is about self-deprecation and it's only like being the loser is funny, not the like look how badass I got a band on stage and there's nothing funny about that but it's like weirdly like digging yourself into a hole and shooting yourself in the foot. Well, no, especially, but I said, like, music. It's like, and by the way, even how corny I think it would be to do. He spells corny K-O-R-N-Y. Damn right. But everything about it, as a fan, I love it. Like, I love watching. I like when they just hit poses on purpose. You know, it's like a photo thing for the people in the audience. I love all that shit, though. Like, the posturing, but I can't fucking do it. Jay told me last night that he buys his dog Korn's pet line of products called Freak on a Leash. Yeah, we made a nice order. We ordered a... It's a real thing. What? Really? Jonathan Davis has a company called Freak on a Leash. Jay, you can't even let your dog be cool? Oh, she's cool. I buy my dog Limp Bizkits. They're actually dog treats. Made by Limp Bizkit. That's what you call it when you have her lick your dick in the morning. Oh, it's not limp, brother. Yeah, it is. Hell yeah. Well, she thinks it is. Yeah, so we ordered... We're on a thing right now. Why do you guys complain about that? I made fun of this freak out of Lee's skunk clothes. That was such a couple disagreement. They were both smiling but furious. I took the excuse. Christine ordered some of the stuff for the dog. And some of it was sold out on their site. some of it was sold out on their site so I took it as the excuse to text him. I go, damn dude, I was buying stuff for my dog on your thing. He goes, some of the stuff sold out. It's doing well, huh? He's like, it's doing really good, man. He goes, you have a pup? He goes, I'll send you some stuff. Nothing. Wait, can you go back to that website and then go up? I want to see what that dog looks like. He's freaking out on a leash. It's so funny because they're... Oh, Dawkins had that toy he was jumping at. That is so funny. I don't know who this is for but... Jay, those look like... Yeah, they look like your bracelets. Oh yeah, no, I got those for me. I got the dog. Paul this gloves. We got talking that. She has that. Yeah. None of the collars. I am just fucking because every time I go buy my dog food now, I walk out with clothes on fucking hangers from Petco. You bought her a dungaree jacket. It was cute, dude. It was cute. I'm not attacking. You were. Whoa. Remember you introduced the whole thing. You go, J-B-I, this dog corn clothes. And then everyone laughed and we all had fun. But it was a false narrative. You bought your dog a few items of corn clothes so you would have an excuse to text Jonathan Davis. And there's nothing wrong with that, Jay. That's the story. Now, let's all move on. Did you see corn in her poop with a K in a backwards R? No. No, I didn't. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry that I made fun of your dog's clothes. I feel like we're in a thing now. Just go to the next subject. Let's not do this in front of company. All right, guys. I got to talk about one of my favorite new products that we've been promoting on the show, which is Ultra Pouches. They're designed for mental clarity and enhanced focus. So instead of having a nicotine pouch that you put in your lip or a caffeine one, this is really, really good for you, dude. It's got Alpha GPC and B12, which is absolutely incredible. The Ultra Pouches, you just put them right in your lip and you get powerful nootropics and vitamins just by doing it. And honestly, it makes your gum numb. So it's really me bringing back to my cocaine days. Yeah. That's fun. Yeah. Genuinely, 90% of Ultra users saw improvements in their overall focus. And it gives you the same kick as the nicotine pouch without any of the terrible side effects. Ultra is the ultimate guilt-free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. I genuinely fucking love this product. And if you guys want to try it out, new customers can use the code Legion to get 15% off at TakeUltra.com. T-A-K-E-U-L-T-R-A dot com. Promo code Legion for 15% off. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting this show. Hell yeah, Body Brain Coffee. We love Body Brain Coffee, guys. Love Body Brain Coffee. Great tasting coffee that supports you in so many different ways. Yes. Oh, my God, it's a Body Brain Vampire. What? Yes. That's right, everybody. I was in my deep slumber until I was brought back by Body Brain Coffee. It is like three baby bloods. I think this is exactly what the vampire needed, like a little pick-me-up. He was getting real lazy. Well, I think after being alive for 600 years, your testosterone levels have plummeted crazy. Well, I was sitting on all of that yo Delta money. But, you know, when you love bitches and drugs like this guy, it's going to run out quick. Well, I'll tell you right now, it's not just normal coffee. It's blended with adaptogens and nootropics that support testosterone naturally. It helps with brain function and memory, makes your mood overall better, gives you a ton of energy. You look like way younger right now, you know, that vampire. It's the Tongkat Ali. It's coursing through my veins with the blood of the innocent. Body Brain Coffee's got me back in the game big time. Oh, I know it does. You're very excited about it. I'm excited to have you be a spokesperson for Body Brain Coffee. Oh, I look fantastic. I feel fantastic. I'm eating white people again. Well, look, if you want to try Body Brain Coffee and see what everyone is talking about, you can drink it hot, cold, in a protein shake, however you want. Go to Body Brain Coffee. Or mixed with blood. You can mix it with blood, technically. But that's not on the package. Go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. Use the promo code LOS20. You're going to save 20% off. And if you guys subscribe to get it monthly, you're going to get 20% off, and you're going to get free shipping, which is pretty incredible, free shipping. Lewis. Yes, sir. Does it help with my boner? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I don't think I can legally say that, but I think Tonkat Ali has been linked to male virility. Really? Yeah, yeah. I can't make any false claims according to the FTC. Zip. Uh-oh. This must be your problem to deal with there. Yes. Yes. Body break coffee, duck. Drink it down. Try the creamer. Oh, no. Is that cordyceps? Yes. Nootropics. in every batch of my seed. All right, where were we? This video of the Florida teen charge for setting his friend on fire is pretty hilarious. It's one of the best setting somebody on fire videos I've seen because it's just they're having fun with each other. This could be me and my friends growing up. We did set ourselves on fire. We used to put gasoline all over our hand and then light it and see who could do it the longest before you're like, ah, hot, hot. That's crazy. Is that crazy? Well, you know, before you show this video, I just saw a body cam thing that came out. It's a guy. He's a registered sex offender, but he's escalating. Well, it depends how you see it. Because now he's moving the arson, and he pours gasoline all over someone's Escalade. $140,000 Escalade. Is that what you said escalating? Huh? Escalated. Escalated. He's escalating to escalate to escalate. I think burning somebody's car is still worse than pedophilia. I think he's becoming a better person. Maybe. Yeah. But he does it with it. He pours gas all over the Escalade and then lights it on fire. And then very quickly, I guess he's got gas on his leg. So his pants just catch on fire immediately. And you can't put out gasoline fire very quickly. Was he a liar? He's just rolling around on the ground until the cop. Aw. Lewis is saying jokes, man. Lewis, what are you working? The Poconos this weekend? Sorry, guys. I'm doing the pulled-up-sleeved blazers of comedy tour. I'm crushing right here. Peephole. He sets himself legs on fire and he rolls around. Oh, shit. Yeah, he rolls around the ground until the cops just get there. It won't go out ever. Yeah, dude. They don't say run. They say roll, you idiot. The cops go, did you light that on fire? He goes, no. Oh, you just pull over everyone with your pants on fire? Why do you think it was me? I will say this guy looks pretty fucking awesome. He looks like he's the fastest guy ever in slow motion. He goes, no, no, no, I'm sorry. He goes, I'm the Flash. I just got here, actually. I'm here to save the day. I'm sorry. I just got here. This is kind of a casualty of war, man. What do you say? What do you call that? Gas cans. That's crazy. Wait. See when he gets out front of the house and he just like rolls around to the cops are like, hey. The cops show up pretty quick if they get there. Well, no. He drops. No. He drops to the ground. Oh, that's a cop right there. So the cop explains. He goes, hey, the guy was on fire when I got here. I assume it was him that set the fire. I know this looks bad. I mean, the first thing I'd be doing is be patting my dick a little over again. It's not my dick. Imagine burning your dick. Oh, that would suck. He cannot get it out. Oh, Jesus, dude. Oh, there he is. Oh, no. Run! Run! Oh, that timing is hilarious. Run, sir. Run! Good job. His legs are toast. Oh, the fact that he's running at all is pretty incredible. I'm rooting for him, dude. Whoa, he's a pedophile. Oh, shit. That's all right. You can go to the pool one. No, they're at the beach. Oh, I'm sorry. Scott, you got me, officer. You guys carry ice packs? Yeah. Hey, you have any butter for my legs? You know, they say don't do that. Don't put butter on your legs? Don't put butter on a burn. Oh, really? It makes it worse. Yeah, it's just like an old wives tale. You're not supposed to put butter on a burn. Oh, my God, I've been buttering all my burns. He wants a real scene. He wants a real scene. This guy's just being funny. By the way, he's being funny. He just draws a path right to the kid. He goes on the fire and then to you. They're still laughing, by the way. Thank God they're by water. Put it out. Put it out. Put it out. Dude, we killed Craig. Holy shit. That's fucking hilarious. Beginning of a movie. Go back to the beginning of that. The way he poured it, he poured it right at him. Yeah, that really is. But then he must have doused him with it, too. Maybe he didn't really mean to get that lamp. Well, look how fast he is. I mean, what do you think the end result here is if you're lighting a fire with gasoline and then you fling the gasoline at your friend? Well, one, hope he lives. Dude. But hope he lives well. If you burn your friend and he's going to have Freddy Krueger face his whole life, you hope he just dies. Yeah. Dude, the amazing thing about that video is that everyone, maybe not everyone, but certainly I could say myself, I think Louis for sure. I'm betting you too, Cannon. I didn't know you well enough, Sagalow, when you were young. But we were all like drunk asshole kids. And all of us go, I could have done that. 100% of a friend. Because you're just in the moment of being drunk and it's like, dude, this is going to be so hilarious to draw a path of fire right up to this guy and scare him. And then you just hit that last little psh that you didn't really think was going to happen. And then you're like, oh, I burned off all my friend's skin. All right. Oopsie doodles. Didn't mean to do that. It was pretty funny. We were really high when it happened. He's like, I'm going to get you back. That was a good one. You got to put that in your ass. Let me tell you something. Revenge is best served cold. You're a real knucklehead. Oh, fuck me. Is it worth peaking while we're watching these, like, body cam things? Is it worth seeing the... I didn't see the woman getting stomped out by the prisoner. This got sent to me a thousand times today. This is great. You know the female police officer? I've never sided more with a prisoner, God knows what he's done, and beating the living shit out of a woman. I understand every second of this video. It's so funny. Jay has become the guy where when a woman, like a female cop, gets hurt in any way, Jay gets like 50 people sending him the video. It's like, Jay, look, you love this. No, it's not you love it. They just go, point proven again. I'm like, dude, why do they send them on these very dangerous things? Why would you? This is a female prison guard. That's crazy. In an all-male facility having a female prison guard, it's almost like a prank you're playing on her. It's just a matter of time before she gets beaten and raped. Now, let me tell you, I don't know how her time so far in this men's ward has gone, but she is pretty comfortable out of the gates. You saw this, Davey. I did. Pretty comfortable out of the gates being like, I'll say whatever the fuck I want, and these dumb pieces of shit ain't gonna do nothing about it. She is. This is wild. This is her body cam footage. He wants to speak to, I don't know if they give it on this one, he wants to speak to just one of the sergeants or whatever. It's a pretty good jail, they got a ping pong table. Let's argue he's being, let's even take the state he's being annoying. Let's say he's being annoying. He's black. Sure. Step off. Turn it up. We are a widget shop. Yeah. That white guy is definitely a pedophile. Is that Jason Andor's? It ain't about to shave down. It's just a little bit. I don't want her to do that every day. What's it about that? Come on, like, man, you just woke me up out of my sleep for no reason. It's a random shave down. I ain't getting no, I haven't disrespected. I never had a jet ticket in my life. Okay. What does that have to do with me? It is, though. It's not as if they shook down since you guys don't get there. Come on. You thought that motherfucker was laughing at you earlier. You looked at me and then looked like this. Come on. What the fuck are you talking about? You need to step off. Go somewhere else. Pause it. I don't give a fuck about that. She did say go somewhere else. So she's just letting him off right there. Like, just go somewhere else. Yeah, go somewhere else. There's a place. She shook down his cell to try to find paraphernalia and shit. And he's asking to talk to somebody, but he's also, when she says right here, if you back up a second, she says, now step off, go somewhere else. He's like, I'm standing behind. There's like a thing they can't walk past to get to them. Oh, okay. He says, wait, Chase. Let's see. You looked at me and it didn't look like this. Like, come on. What the fuck are you talking about? You need to step off. Go somewhere else. I don't give a fuck about that tape on the ground. You need to go somewhere else. Please stop cussing at me. I'm not cussing at you. Go ahead and just cuff up that. Please stop cussing at me. OSER 1512S. Hey, cuff up. Turn around. Please don't do that. Turn around and cuff up. Please don't do that. Turn around and cuff up. Cuff up for what? Because. Remember to see the white shirt? They got white shirts insane. I'm just asking you. Turn around. I'm just asking you. Please don't do that. Turn around and cuff up. It's the last time I'm going to tell you. It's the last time I'm saying it. I can't wait until this guy beats him. I know. Oh! Well, why would you try to use hairspray on him? That's not going to be right there. These women are retarded. Aquanet! Two women. Two women guards. Oh, really? Get the fuck off her! Get off of her! He's beating them both on the ground. Oh, my God. Nice. Oh. That is the best angle, man. Oh, my God. That's great. Oh, look at his dick, Jay. Nice. Oh, shit. Oh, look at that. This is like a Cooper shot. Look. She is hysterically crying. I'm so scared. That was, I don't give a fuck about that tape. Back up before I cuff you up. That's the same person. The guy ended up in prison. Don't worry. I never saw that. Show that the other angle. There's another angle. Yes, please. Oh, this is the other chick he fucks up. I didn't see this. I didn't see this either. I didn't realize they have both of them. If you would like to grieve the situation, you can greet me. Then that's fine. I'm not calling a white shirt. Are you having a mental health crisis? Do I need to send you to TPU? This is toilet paper university? That's where they send these prisoners? That's not fair. Nah. They're trying to get my HVAC certification. They don't offer that at TPU. It's unbelievable that they're being cunty women to this guy. Like just being like, are you having a mental health crisis? It's like, you having a tough time over there? I've had this exact conversation with every girlfriend I've ever dated. And it's resulted in the exact same. Are you stomping her out in sandals? I'll never go to TV you again. Louis beat me up in his sandals. Look, I'll say this guy, maybe this guy is a raging piece of shit in every possible way. Probably. Maybe, Jay. I mean, it's a 99.9% chance. I'm saying this guy was pushed to a point unnecessarily. This didn't have to go anywhere near this. I'll just say the fucking the move of just like pepper spraying is a crazy fucking move because there is a thing like that that you create just like an instinctive. Well, black people love spices, so maybe she was trying to feed him. If she just, here's the thing, if it was a guy and he was like, I'm going to cuff you, he wouldn't just pepper spray first. He would have said, I'm going to cuff you and grabbed his wrist and taken it from there. She wasn't even going to try to, when he's saying, I'm warning you, basically, She was like, oh, I'm just going to go with much heavier measure. I mean, look, the reality is she's not going to grab him. It's weird. Yes, you're right. She's a cunt. But he also, it was obviously a problem, probably a violent criminal. They probably know him. There's more context of them knowing him. You're telling me. Stop talking to me like I'm legitimately on his side. No, he is. Get out of here. Jay hates female police officers. Jay is starting with the assumption that this man has never been violent one time previous. I'm assuming that they knew that he's a problem, and that's when they're like, you know what? Let me get my pepper spray, and they were right. I don't hate female cops at all. I worry for them. They are doing an undoable job. Well, these two ladies seem to be handling it okay. Okay, these two are the exception. I was going bad. One guy just, I mean, if that was the last line of defense, he's out in the world now. Can you imagine if it was just them two in the door? He's out. Can you imagine being a dude, like if your job was to be a correction officer in this type of prison, or if you were like a cop, and they were just like, oh, on your first day, like, oh, and here's your partner. And then they just handed you one of those, and you'd be like, do we not have any canines? Do we not have a single? I'll tell you what, black people are afraid of dogs. They ain't afraid of white bitches in uniforms. She should have been doing magic. if she just did some sleight of hand whoa never mind I don't even know them white coats you witch I think prison guards are like very low paid right oh yeah I'm saying the guy's a piece of shit I'm just saying that was just not a female officer that probably wouldn't have gotten violent at all well it's not women's nature to be violent Now, if this was a nag off. Yeah, right. You're saying that wrong. Man, I was thinking about that for like five minutes. How do I get that? Yeah. What is the average prison guard paid? It's like shit money. And it's like really a dangerous. What'd you say? Hey, can you get the fuck out of here right now? Did I ask you your opinion? I'm kidding. You're wonderful. Yeah, I don't think it's a bad-paying job. No, one of the owners of this club. Doesn't he do that? He's a cook. Oh, okay. But he works it. He gets good money. He makes the loaf. He gets good money? He makes prison loaf. You can't call that a cook. He's a scientist. Patrick got the job because he had access to free food. That's the only reason why he took it. What does the average prison guard make? Do they make good money? It says here, as of early 2026, the average prison guard in the U.S. ranges between $40,000 and $60,000. That sucks. For that dangerous of a job? Six. Here, you're on the show now. Why are you being so mean there? Fucking. Louis, you really are terrible to fans. Yeah. She got information that we need She loves it She hates it You love this right See she loves it dude You just scared her into saying it She went I love it Here I going to stomp around Hold on Stomp around dude Miss, hold this camera phone. Wait, but why do you know? Is that your job? You were in prison? Go ahead, lady. Now you got the fucking microphone. No, they make good money. They get a lot of overtime. That's what it is. So 50,000 maybe is before overtime. I dated someone that worked. What the fuck are we doing? I'm supposed to take this work? Also, I've got questions for everybody. Am I the guy who looks like me? What do you think? Why is it that in our crowd of 15 people, everyone's fucked a correction officer at one point? Does that guy's forearm tattoo look like Outback Steakhouse Kids Menu Maze? They're also terrified of Lewis because they just watched this video. It is true. They've seen how somebody with your behavior could get... I think the average of $40,000 to $60,000 is probably including their overtime. No, no, no. That's base. Do you double the money? Do you make $80,000 to $120,000 with overtime? I don't think so. It's a range and this woman probably made $40,000. I mean, she is... Listen, I'm sorry. This chick is overpaid at $40,000. I have to work in a subway also. Sandwich artist slash correctionist officer. Yeah, I mean, a job that dangerous. I mean, even like police get paid like shit in this country. Like, there's certain places you go, like, the nicer and the less... Yes, but you also get $50,000 for every ethnic you kill. Jay, you can't start applause breaks with your clubs. It is a new... Those are hand silencers. That's why I'm never complicit in my own applause breaks. He has to look around and show everyone that he's applauding. Guys, this is what we do now. Like this. But with hands. It's like if a kitten was applauding. Let's do plugs right quick. Lots of show left. Lots of show left. This is fun. We're watching women get beat up. We're watching kids being set on fire. What a fucking show. This is the Epstein-themed show. Mike Cannon, what do you plug in, my friend? Check out Fart Carnival, available on Gas Digital. Out every Monday for free, out every Wednesday up on the site. By the way, Bargatze's still pissed off that he has to call his place Nate Land because you guys took Fart Carnival. I was going to call Fart Carnival, but I guess Nate Land works. And then Mike Cannon Comedy.com for dates. I'll be in Morris Plains at the dojo on the 20th of February and then the 21st, I'm in Hamden, Connecticut at the Space Ballroom. Come on out to that. There is no guarantee. And then I'll be in Indiana, Michigan and some Louisiana dates as well. The Space Ballroom is a hilarious name for a place. I know. I heard it sick though. Joe Rogan Space Ballroom. Where is it? In Hamden, New Jersey. Or no, Connecticut. Damn it. I'm going to be in Buerk, Connecticut. Rhymes with... Anyway, good. I'm going to kill myself. Lady, can you shoot me in the head, please? Sagalow. Wait, you're leaving, dude? Your chick's making you leave? Come on, dude. Why would you sit right on camera to leave? You stupid Chinaman. Sagalow, wrap your plugs. Yo, yo, yo. I'm listening to Far Carnival, listening to Sag Daddy to Pod. and I'm going to be at the Riot in Houston next weekend and a couple of other days. Just go to BrennanSagalow.com. I'll be at the Helium and Indianapolis and Goodnight's Comedy Club in Raleigh and the Counterweight Brewing Company, which I had no idea I was doing. Nice. And then Atlanta. In Cheshire. In Cheshire. And that's it. Oh, yeah. Thank you, guys. Luis, come see me on the road, guys. The YoKratom.com presents Rattle Me This Tour. We're coming to a city near you. Next up, Emmaus, Pennsylvania, coming up February 26th. Pittsburgh, February 27th. Tacoma right after that. Spokane right after that. Toronto. Why is the coloring off on my website? This is crazy. Toronto. Your website sucks. Detroit. My website is incredible. Detroit. Keep on going, guys. Keep on scrolling down. It's fine. St. Catharines, Ontario. Fort Myers, Florida. Springfield, Missouri. And more. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com. There they are. to get tickets. That's fine. And sign up for my mailing list while you're there. You guys get a free podcast, a bonus podcast every week, the Lewis Journal podcast, just for subscribers, where I give all the inside information on everything that I do. Check out all the other podcasts that I do. Story Wars, The Regs, Real S Podcast, right here on the Gas Digital Network. And speaking of Gas Digital, make sure you guys subscribe. We do a bonus Friday Night Hang, just the three of us talking shit every week. It's very old school. Some of my favorite shows we've done are the Friday Night Hang shows. You can only get them by subscribing to Gas Digital. Plus, you get early access to all of our shows. Plus, they're all ad-free and uncensored. If you hate YouTube censorship, Well, guess what? You can listen to all the words that were bleeped out on tonight's show. Oh, there's such good words. Oh, yeah. It's really just the end word over and over again. Superfluous, I said once. Superfluous? They took it out. Superfluous. You're really... Superfluous. I thought you were calling me superfluous. You're superfluous. You call me Fluish J. Gomez. I call you superfluous. Yeah, Floish. Floish J. Gomez. Yeah, just go to... Floish J. Flomes. Use the promo code LOS to get a couple bucks off your membership, and it supports the show directly. Davey. I will be down in Perryville, Maryland one night only on February 21st. Come on out to that. And then I'll be right here in New Jersey. I'm doing a weekend at the Dojo of Comedy. I very rarely do shows in New York and New Jersey these days. So come on out to those. And then I'm going to Pittsburgh, Boston, back at Laugh Boston, March 26th through 28th. Then Zany's Rosemont, Zany's Chicago. And I got a bunch more dates up on the website. Oklahoma, Oklahoma City, Phoenix, Houston, Fort Lauderdale, Louisville, Kentucky, San Diego. And I think there's two or three more that we just agreed to. David's, Louisville. Louisville, Louisville, Kentucky. Yes, sorry. Comicdavessmith.com for all those tickets. Please come on out. Come out to some of the shows. And then, of course, part of the problem is my other show. and then I'm out there fighting with everyone on Twitter. That's all. How's that going? I'm winning. Nice. Dominantly, if you ask me. BigJComedy.com, for all my days, come check me out on the Greatest Yapper Alive Tour. Hit that poster. Oh, haunting. Oh, it's haunting. I see it every night when I close my eyes above my bed. It's haunting. Why does that kind of look like me? I said to them, I said, put me my face in that Biggie Smalls iconic picture, but keep his eyes and lips. Somehow you made Biggie Smalls look worse. Right? It's weird. I don't look good with lazy eyes and big black lips. Big gold lips. Check me out. I'm all over the place this weekend if you're listening. I'm going to be in Fort Myers. I think first, not Fort Myers, Fort Worth, Dallas, Texas at Hyenas Comedy Club. First time there, I think. Great club. Check me out. Some tickets still available for that. Nashville, Tennessee is going to sell out. Get those tickets quick. I'm there, 19, 20th, and 21. Of February, Mike Fenoy going to be there with me. San Antonio, Texas, John Carden's going to be there with me. Mike Suarez. San Francisco, Cobb's Comedy Club, I'm coming back. Jacksonville, Florida. Ooh, that place is so weird. The Comedy Club is in a lobby. I stay there. They'll put you up in a different hotel. But it's in the lobby of like a hooker slash beaten wife brings their kids in the middle of the night hotel. So the people watching is fantastic. Last time I was there, I stole someone's Uber Eats order. Madison, Wisconsin it was late, no one was delivering and that person definitely fell asleep Desert Ridge, Phoenix, Arizona look for a city near you, I'm all over the place that's an amazing thing to pull the trigger on fuck it, I'm hungry walked by it three times, going to a vending machine that didn't exist what was it? that didn't exist it was like the stuff that was dusty in the vending machine and I got something, I walked back, I brought it up, I ate it was definitely expired, like fucking candy or whatever, I was like, eh. And then I went out to smoke a cigarette. It was still there. I'm like, that's weird. And the next time I went to smoke a cigarette, it was still there. I took the food and went inside my place, left the drink. Then it was like, well, then. Now they're going to think that I, I go, now they're going to think that it was stolen instead of just thinking it didn't get delivered or whatever. So I had to go back and steal the drink. What was the meal? Yeah. It was like whatever their steak and shake. It was a steak burger. Well, you got lucky. Not bad. That and cold fries I had, basically. It hit the spot. I needed something. I didn't know that Jacksonville shuts down at midnight. It's a dump. That place is terrifying. But I'd say get a room there and spay the weekend and watch a show. I'm going to be. And, of course, listen to The Bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk, Sirius XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly, and, of course, Story Wars, America's favorite new game show obsession. And also, I should say, we have a Skankfest presale happening next Monday, February 16th 2 p.m. Eastern get those tickets the VIP party you can only get access to the VIP party by buying the pre-sale tickets we also have a special VIP balcony just for VIP holders with the lounge and you're getting a special t-shirt only by getting the VIP pre-sale tickets the only way to get this t-shirt we should also say the story wars is fucking jamming man we're doing the Netflix is a joke festival this year we're doing the Nashville comedy festival this year we're going back to Austin yeah twice this year we're going back to the mothership so yeah fucking look for us that's coming around more people love it It's the best. Thank you all for supporting. Thanks, boys. Thanks, boys. I do love this. Which one? I love what he said. I have to re-tell that. I've talked about it so many times. Yeah, when he came in particularly? Oh, it's funny. Did you tell these guys? Just tell them for the sake of telling them. Real quick. It's funny as fuck. I had that dumb fucking... Little dust-up. Little dust-up in Austin. I saw that. Oh, yeah. You called it dumb dust-up? You were cage fighting. No, it's embarrassing. You checked a good kick, though. No, I know, but it still sucks. Well, interesting you should say that. So then I'm in the mothership green room Thursday night, and then Rogan comes in. Wearing a big afro wig. That was you? No, Rogan comes in. He's like, I knew you'd pass the test, son. Welcome to the sphere. He goes, he's like, I heard you got into a fight. And I was like, no, it was a little like thing. It was dumb. He's like, I heard you got kicked twice. I was like, well, I checked one of the kicks. He goes, it's not what I heard. you don't want to like fight no that's not true no but I literally knew better let me just take it let me take the hit I have it on camera I have it on tape look Joe you know a check kick you keep rewinding it just checking I know I lifted my leg god damn it but you know the most alpha guy goes not an alpha move bruh yeah what are you going to do alright let's talk about oh we got to talk about the Trump post. This is so funny. I don't see what's racist about it. The Obamas? Yeah, the Obamas, dude. So I don't really know much about it. Dave, can you give more context? Because you kind of broke it down. Donald Trump posted a video of Barack Obama and Michelle has fucking silverback gorillas. That's pretty cut and dry. That's pretty much long and short of it. If you really need to know. I mean, you can play the video. What is truth social? That's his Twitter. When Donald Trump got kicked out of Twitter in the most Trumpian move ever. He went and made his own Twitter and then just said it's so much bigger and better than Twitter. Nobody needs Twitter. And then they let him back on Twitter. And now sometimes he tweets. Dave, are you on Truth Social? No. Should I join Truth? Can we make a Legion of Stang's Truth Social profile right now, please? I'm sure that can be done. No, I've never opened it or nothing. I'm a Rumble guy. Louis, they need you on Blue Sky. What's Blue Sky? That's the lefty fucking Twitter. They also left and made their own Twitter, and that's Blue Sky. Twitter is really just a cesspool at this point. I'm arguing with two fat Latinas that were tweeting at Tim Dillon, and they were calling me a spick and a Mexican. I was like, you guys are spicks and Mexican. What are we talking about? What the fuck is even happening right now? Let's see. So Trump posted this video. There's a whole video, too. I was going to say, but there's also nuance to this joke. Sure. I get it. I get what your first instincts are. I know what your first thing is. No, but look, they do fun animals with everyone. It's not a racist thing. Barack and Michelle just happened to get the monkeys. They made a fat guy an elephant. Hold on. Rewind it for one second. Go back to when we start going through people. Guys, I can assure you, everyone was assigned their animal randomly. It just happened to be Barack and Michelle got the monkeys. What are you going to do? You guys want to make everything a racial issue. Technically, apes are the most family-like of all. You know what? Just play with me. They're the second closest thing to humans after black people. Fun song. Got to admit. So that's AOC and somebody else. Pause it right here. Is this a fat guy? Does the guy with the giraffe have a long neck in real life? Because if he does, this is above board. I don't. Schiff? Adam Schiff? I don't really think he has a long neck. I don't know. Does he have a long neck? Who's the fat guy? He owns the stand. That is goddamn Chris Italia. you. I didn't recognize him so small. Yeah, those monkeys are starting to look a little more suspicious. Now bring a picture of Hillary Clinton. Does she look like a warthog? Well, an AOC was a donkey with the ass. Yeah, go back. Let me watch some more of this video. Music Joe Mike is a monkey too. And that other black guy is a monkey. Who's this guy? No, he's a meerkat. He's a lemur. Oh. And look, that girl's one of his turds on the ground, see? That was, what's her name? That's Kamala. Oh, he turned out Kamala. Is that what it is? I don't know. It looks like maybe a turd. Oh, it's a turdle. Turtle. That was close, dude. Turtle. You know what, Jay? T-U-R-D, Ellie. You saved yourself. I thought that was a monkey. Oh, he's a lion. Of course. That's crazy. Come on, dude. More like a liar. Is that an actual fat person? Sorry. I got to read the crowd. No, I mean, fuck Obama, monkey. Is that girl actually fat? Booga, booga, monkey. What's more rude to make a girl big and fat? Or to make Barack Obama a monkey. Obama should have just posted a picture of a dead lion. And him, you know. What was that lion that got killed and then the guy got in trouble for it? He was standing with a gun. Yeah. Cecil? Yeah, Cecil. Oh, is that the one that was one of Jimmy Kimmel's first cries, wasn't it? That was one of his first cries. Was it really? Yeah. Oh, please. That's so great. Can we watch that? Bring up Jimmy Kimmel's seat. It was his first cries. The guy cries once a week on his show. It's crazy. He's an empath. Him and Howard Stern, best friends. It's crazy. Like, don't, you know, obviously don't kill. Howard Stern sucks. That's how. It makes perfect sense that they're both best friends because they're definitely, you could tell from the direction they both went in that both of their wives get along. Yeah, they used to both be kind of awesome and then they both started sucking. Yeah, and in the exact same way. Remember when Stern came out and he was like, in solidarity with Jimmy Kimmel, I'm canceling my Disney Plus subscription. Wow. What? Wow. First of all, at $189 a year or whatever it is, you should cancel. I'm with you. They just got me. The payment just went through a few days ago, and I haven't watched Disney Plus maybe even once in the past year. ESPN Plus jumped in heavy start. They're doing a new season of 30 for 30s because they're panicking. Oh, nice. Because once the UFC went away, why would you have the ESPN Plus? Why? You don't need it for anything. I signed up for Paramount Plus the other day for the UFC. And I signed up for fucking whatever the other one is. Watch Landman. To watch Ted the show. I had to sign up for Peacock. Ted the show is good. It's so funny. I'll literally be on Amazon. I was like, all right, I could pay $3 to rent this movie. Or I could sign up for a seven-day trial. That I'll definitely never, ever, ever, ever cancel. I'll tell you what. I haven't done it. If I do that Rocket Money thing that tells you, I bet I've got five Netflix subscriptions. three Hulus for sure. Well, I have three just for Kilton. There's been times in my life where I've definitely just been like, it's not letting me log in. I never remember my passwords ever, so I go, I guess I'll just get a whole new one for some reason. And then I'll sort it out tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what's really fun, going in the green rooms. Do you guys go in the green rooms? If you put on YouTube, just go on somebody else's YouTube premium who already signed in, and they just fuck their algorithm up. There's so many black comics who have 80s music video hits playing in their little yachty what's here at those times shot him for sport and of course everyone is angry and upset last night i read this story i happened upon the story in the news report said they suspected it was a spaniard who did it who shot the animal and i have to admit when i saw it i was so relieved it wasn't an american i really was i was like this is terrible but thank god it wasn't one of us for once and then i went online this morning and learned that turns out it was an american it was one of us it was a dentist from minnesota who paid 50 000 to shoot the line according to the news he hired who's the line who do they have to pay the 50 000 like uh two locals safari people yeah they basically they pay to have an easy you give 50 000 where there's lines in africa you can bring electricity to the world i mean like you'll change everything over there yeah that's eight ears of vaccines. You don't have to do laundry in a lake filled with rhinoceros shit. Nate's joke about this was so goddamn funny. We had the whole thing where he was like, how unlucky is the guy that you just go to Africa and murder a lion and then it turns out it's the lion everyone loves. Wasn't it like a celebrity lion? It happens to have a name. Gotta play it. That's so funny. Johnson, he got a year of probation for that. This is another lion he killed in 2008. This is a leopard. This is a rhino. This guy's a badass. What are we talking about? This guy's a fucking monster. I want this guy on my team. A dentist and a big game murderer? By the way, this guy, from what I understand of Africa, he's saved like 70 African lives. These things are just killing Africans. Sorry, I'm trying to get the rhino on my side again. He's messing with God's plan. He's playing God. And did they bow hunt a rhino, though? I don't get it. If he shot, look, I think you shoot a rhino with a bow. That's badass. I mean, he must have shot a thousand bows. Yeah, what the fuck, man? His arm's exhausted. It's like the beginning of 300. The sky fills with arrows. You could just bought a rhinoceros horn for the $400,000 worth of arrows you had to shoot into him. He looks like a light bright. the answer is to start a witch hunt for the guy some people online are saying we should skin him and feed him to the lions or which it's you know it's crazy but it should be handled in a awful way and the men who took about the jeep should be made accountable too but in the meantime i think it's important to have some good come out of this disgusting tragedy so this is the website for the wildlife conservation research unit unit at oxford uh wildcru.org these are the researchers who put the collar on Cecil in the first place. They tracked the animals and studied them. What a good it did. If you want to make this into a positive, you can... Sorry. Why are you shooting a... Okay, I'm good. Make a donation to support them. At the very least... I fucking love Lion King. Maybe we can show the world that not Americans... Lions. I mean, am I right? Like this jackal here, this dentist. The top dentist. Whatever happened to the dentist? Was he ever brought to African justice? God, you hope so, right? we will tie you to four men who will run in four separate directions. We call it rickshaw-ing. Jimmy Kimmel sucks so much. Is there a montage? I hate to be this guy, but you don't care. No. There's no way you really are choked up over a lion you never met. Bring up a montage. There's a montage of Jimmy Kimmel crying on that show. I mean, it's a fucking comedy show. This guy falls apart constantly. He's emotionally unhinged. The dentist wasn't charged with any crimes, and he's still a practicing dentist in Minnesota. Yeah. Oh, if he could kill a rhino. Yeah, you know what? God bless America. He's like, you know, we freak out a little bit, but Lady Justice takes time. Free fillings for ice agents. Yeah, I mean, seriously, if you could hit a lion with an arrow, you could hit my cavity with the drill. Yeah, that's true. Mayan cavity. What? Mayan cavity? Mayan cavity? Oh, I was thinking Mayan, like ancient Mexicans. Yeah, it makes sense you guys thought that. You know what? Jay can't do the editing? Leave it. I like him to see all bones and all. I mean, so I got invited to go hog hunting, by Dean Stanfield. You're the hog. Oh, is that where you bring a fecker to a party and then everyone has to laugh at him on their back? Got invited to go hog on. Now you're a full member of Lambda, Lambda, Lambda? What was that movie? He's leather and sunblock. What was the movie where the military guy... He's done a lot of them. No, but there was one that was famous. It was the whole premise of the movie. It's a military guy. He died. The guy who died on the steps in the Viper Room. Oh, River Phoenix? River Phoenix, yeah, dude. River Phoenix, he, he, he, dude, it actually, when I was a kid, when I watched it, it made me feel so bad, because the girl. Did you cry like Jimmy Kimmel? Lily Taylor, Lily Taylor, I believe is the name of the actress. Sure. And like, he goes up to her, he's like a handsome young, like military guy, he's like, I'm going to this party tonight, will you like, come with me? And she's, the girl's like, she's so excited, she goes up and she tells her mom, and her mom's like, oh my God, you're on a date, and I was like, oh, this is fucking brutal. Then he brings her to the party, and she goes. Pig party. Yeah, pig party, and the girl, she's in the bathroom with another chick, and the chick's They're like, no teeth. And she's like, hey, what's up? She's like, you don't know what this is? You're fucking disgusting. And that's a whole... Dinner for schmucks. And then the guy feels so bad that he marries the girl anyway. This is it, yeah. Aw. It looks like Bregazzi. Doesn't it? The guy does. The guy does. That was before he got married. Is that just an image? He was super into pig parties. The movie's called Dogfight. Dogfight, yes. It was called The Dogfight. Nate was super into pig parties before he met his wife. She turned him on. You know why I brought you here, right? Because you're ugly. Because you're fat and ugly. All my fucking friends are going to laugh at you. I'm going to win $100. I do clean comedy. Yeah, no wonder he's clean. No one's going to believe people if you tell them. Can you imagine if rumors came out? Like, Nate's doing nonstop gay sex on the road. You'd be like, shut the fuck up, dude. No way. No way, dude. Sorry, guys. Yeah, I've been hiding it for years. Love it in the ass. Yeah, I've been fucking Julian McCullough. He's a handsome man, have to admit. All right, kind of checks out. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Sheath Underwear for supporting today's show. We love Sheath Underwear. Don't let terrible underwear ruin your Valentine's Day. Sheath Underwear is crazy comfortable, looks great. I exclusively wear Sheath Underwear. Look, I'm wearing them right now. If you remember that video that went viral of me getting into that scuffle with that guy in Austin, you can see my Sheath Underwear hanging out of my pants. Oh, yeah, that was one of the best looks of the whole thing. Oh, I thought you were making an analogy that, like, he was the dick and you're the balls, and you have to stay away from each other. No, that's not true, but that's actually a great analogy. Thank you. Look, great, great. Can I tell you something? I've been wearing sheathed underwear so long right now, and my dick and balls haven't seen each other, that they actually developed a dislike for each other. There was no problem before, but now they can't be near each other. Yeah, if you want your dick and balls divorced like Jay's parents, sheathunderwear.com is the way to go. Great colors, great styles, great materials. They feel great. But it a dual pouch technology where they have a sheath for your dick sheath for your balls You got a nice package right in front Not me I have a flat dick in the front I just leave mine out of it but I sure Dave I sure Dave his fucking dude mine in there oh yeah I keep mine in the sheath they carry all sizes from extra small to 3xl which is likely for most of our audience uh they also have sports bras for most of the guys as well and uh women's underwear as well for the ladies uh you could these make a great gift this is truly great uh just go to sheathunderwear.com use the promo code skanks20 get 20% off your first order sheathunderwear.com skanks20 plus you get Sheath's 100% money back guarantee. Once again, that's sheathunderwear.com promo code skanks20. Hey everyone, let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here at the Legion of Skanks and that is Brunt Workwear, everybody. That's right. I always wear my Brunt Workwear. In fact, in that... Are those Brunts? Yeah, they are. In that viral video where I got into that scuffle with a guy at Austin, I was wearing my Brunt Workwear boots. No shit. These boots are great. These boots are great for street boxing. They're great for walking. They're great for checking kicks. Well, Well, they work about 50% of the time on Check and Cash. Not if you ask Joe Rogan, what does he know about fighting? Joe Rogan probably thought those Brunt workwares were so strong, you didn't need to lift your leg. I should have used the steel toe to fucking fight that guy. Instead, you almost hugged him. Damn it. You deserve workwear that holds up, and Brunt workwear is that workwear. Top-notch weather-resistant gear for real job sites, hardworking tradesmen. They have a full range of high-performance gears, not just the boots. They have heavy-duty work pants, weather-resistant jackets. no matter what the job demands, they have you covered. But I'll tell you right now, the boots, not only do they look great, and I have two pairs, I gave James a pair for Christmas, they feel incredible. It feels like you're putting on an old broken-in pair of sneakers. When I wear boots, they make my feet hurt. These make my feet feel incredible, like I'm walking on clouds. You can feel like you're walking on clouds just by wearing these awesome, comfortable, broken-in sneaker-feeling workwear boots. Heading over to BruntWorkwear.com, B-R-U-N-T Workwear.com. Use that code Legion, and you're all good to go. After the order, they're going to ask you, of course, where you heard about Brunt. Do us a favor. Let them know the Legion of Skanks sent you. That helps us out. One more time, it's BruntWorkware.com, code Legion. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Massa Chips for supporting today's show. So good, dude. So good. Yes, Massa, that's what I say. You can eat clean without feeling like you're on a diet with Massa Chips. 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And use that promo code SKANKS for 25% off your first order. you can also click the link in the video description or scan the QR code to claim this delicious offer piece of shit too angry you overreacted where were we you guys put today's national pizza day on the notes and didn't order pizza we should get pizza for everybody here wait is this like pizza pizza pizza pizza order four pizzas everyone goes home full it's so cold outside I didn't want to come either don't feel bad the Asian guy was like you know what I'm out oh too curd too curd ew ew ew I'm bruising this white girl let's uh so this is uh another video that we saw which is uh a guy that might have worse feet than Jake also whatever I'm with Jordan paying for your foot shit. Did you follow up with her? I did a little bit. And? She blocked you. You just kept sending her unsolicited foot pics? What'd you send her? Are you reading it? Come over here, Jake. Come over here. Jake, your foot pic is as offensive as an unsolicited dick pic. Oh, God, send me your dick, please. Come here. Yeah, your dick should have a toenail on it. Let's see. I'm Jake from Skanks with the feet. Ha ha. What is that? And then she just wrote back, Let him cook. Listen, Jake goes, I'm Jake from Skanks with the feet. Ha ha. Then Jordan responds simply, Fix them. Oh no. Now Jake wrote, Wanna hook up? But he spelled wanna wrong. He spelled W-Q-N-N-A because he's dumb. Dumbass. Damn, dude, Jake. You are stupid as shit. You're so stupid. let's see what girls Jake is DMing what are you hiding Jake they're 14 no they're not supposed to have social media yet no you're going to make your parents they're going to get in trouble if they get in trouble I get in trouble Florida did make social media illegal for kids under 16 I thought it was actually a pretty great move yeah they should well let's hope because too many other citizens were going to jail for raping kids. Anyway, that's the show, everybody. Thanks for coming out. And we'll see you next time. Yeah, so let's see. Pull up this guy who has worse feet than Jake. This guy is... Oh, they're so white. Oh, wait. Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck? It looks like a genie boot. You guys haven't seen this. No. No. Whoa, what is under there? That doesn't look like a foot. That looks like Gordon Hayward's injury. Kill it. Shoot it. Does anybody else want to fuck that nurse? I don't know. It looks like a fucking beak. She just comes out. She goes, hey, did someone vomit diarrhea? It looks like a Jim Henson puppet beak on like a Dark Crystal character. Doesn't it like the bottom can open and it would laugh at you? That rules. David? Hi. Come on, we'll take you back. How are you? Yeah, why would they send a hot nurse out? That's infuriating. Oh, your feet's disgusting. Hi, can I see your fucking ugly feet? My nipples couldn't be more soft. I'm David Thompson here from New Jersey. My pussy, bone dry. Yeah, I'm here to get my feet worked on. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, my God. You got shitty feet and a cross-eyed. This poor guy. And I'm embarrassed about it, too. Oh, he's going to fuck. I'm hoping the doctor fixes my feet. He goes, I thought both my feet were good, but it turns out I can only see one with his goofball eye. I was seeing my right foot twice. Hi, we're the hottest doctor and nurse combo in the state. We're really good looking in life rules. Let me see your foot. Hey, can you fix my fifth worst problem, please? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he goes. There's nails and probably other little minor things, I guess. I don't know how you would medically term them. Right. But toes are definitely part of the issue. The medical term is, ugh. I have what black people call devil's foot. I'm paying for it. Like I said, a lot of this is just my lack of care for him. Jake, this is what you're going to become. You're on the path to this. You know if your foot gets bad enough, eventually your eyes start going wacky. there's a direct correlation there has to be you do look just like this guy dude dude this could be your dad he's like now I let it go so long I turned out I got athlete's eye and I got pink toe I'm not gonna say it was other reasons that contributed because at the end of the day my son's cunt mother left what goes on in my world. We're going to get you back walking pain-free. Well, I just hope you didn't have a big breakfast today. Oh, no. It takes a lot. I mean, dude, like, Jake, pause it for a second. Pause it for a second. This is so much worse than you think it's going to be. I'm not even overselling it. It's so much worse than you think it's going to be. I felt pretty bad. Oh, God. Come the fuck off. Don't ruin it. Jake, are you not afraid that this could happen to you one day if you don't fix yourself? because I'm assuming you don't have good foot hygiene now. He's not even denying it. But can I say something? Why don't you just take a couple extra seconds in the shower, dude? I scrub my feet down every day. It takes three seconds. You don't wash your feet. I wash my feet one out of every seven showers. Really? I let the soap drip down to them. We're good. You believe the used suds are just doing their job? Yeah, what do you think is happening? It feels good to get in the suds. My ball suds are that dirty? It feels good to get in the suds. Scrub your foot a little bit. What's the big deal? Yeah, I scrub a little bit. I'm being a little bit. It's like one. Are you now? Oh, nice backpedal. Now we've all fucking judged you. I mean, you know, I want to be once a week. You watch me once a week. Come on. You guys don't get jokes. We hear jokes. No, can I tell you? I always watch them at the gym because I feel like I'm going to get athletes at the gym, but at home, you're not supposed to even have fair feet at the gym. You're supposed to take a shower and flip flops. That's an armpits, baby boy. Check out the new podcast on gas digital nuts and armpits. That's Lewis's follow-up book. Yeah. Knives and spoons. Then when my parents were gone, I got in the nuts and armpits. Anywho. Oh, and in my world. We're going to get you back walking. Now, can you do something about half of my foot being a good? Well, I just hope you didn't have a big breakfast today. Man, you're in for a shock. I didn't. I just had a little Starbucks. Take care of everybody. Okay. There you go. All right, David. No. No. Dude, dude, dude. Oh. It was just flakes. Oh, dude. Oh, dude, it flakes off and he takes it. And flakes coming off his feet. Jake, that's how we feel when we look at your feet. It's not as bad, but you're the second worst. Your toes are going to become marshmallow, dude. It's happening. His feet look like coral reef. He's like, that's not even the bad one. Dude, that is. That would be an impossible puzzle to put together. Oh, my God. If somebody made that a jigsaw puzzle, you couldn't do it. I mean, isn't the obvious answer amputation here? Isn't it just, you have to cut this off from here? Or at least paint your foot foot color. So I've only seen a video of a black guy reacting to this, and he reacts exactly how you think he's going to react. Oh, hell no. Yeah. I assume that's an all hells no with 18 Zs on the end. Oh, that's some white shit. Black guys, how do you feel about these feet? Black guys, how do you feel about these? I need to arrest this motherfucker's podiatrist. His feet doing white face. Woo-wee. Oh, fuck. I mean, they're so bad. I mean, I couldn't even imagine, like, what do you even start? Here's the cool part. I only seen a reaction video to this. I think this is going to, hopefully we get an after. Do they get a fix? Have you watched the whole video? Don't tell us. You can't fix that. Go ahead. Oh, wee. Oh, it hurts, too. Let me check your left foot. Oh, my God. All right. Oh, my God. Oh, look! This cracker's foot made a cracker! Wow! Woo-wee! Yeah, stop looking, bro. Oh! Put a little cheese on that Triscuit. Yeah, that's rough, dude. It looks like bread cases. Oh, that's black mold! If that was a house, you couldn't sell it! Oh! David's nails were so long that they were curling on top of each other and almost bridging together. You couldn't have a booty fine enough for me to fuck that. Please stop. It looked like a croissant. Doctor, me, my brother, have hemophilia. His brother's like, don't bring me this. Hemophilia? So your feet have nothing to do with you fucking chars. Hold on. Pause this. Wait a minute. He has hemophilia? So he can't... He like blood? He can't stop bleeding? Is that why he doesn't wash his feet? For a normal person, if you just cut your skin, our blood clots. In David's case, that cut can turn into a bigger issue, and you can bleed and bleed, and it won't stop. Hemophilia, depending on which factor you're out, you're missing one of the proteins. It's like my girlfriend, five days a month. Hey, come on, folks. According to David and his brother, David unfortunately suffered several brain hemorrhages while growing up Due to hemophilia That affected his cognitive That's why they are funky How long have you left? This poor guy You know what? He gets a golden ticket to Skankfest, I think Yeah We'll reach out And a helper And I'm paying for it He's on the sex registry Jesus I've just been going for so long Yeah, it's been a while And losing my mom, that just killed me Did his mom kill herself? She saw his feet? Was his mom Kathy Bates from Misery? My mama hobbled me. She was wonderful. Aw. Aw, this poor guy. He even cries crooked. Yeah, Jake, why don't you cry about your gross feet? You're all proud of them, you fucking weirdo. This guy has the appropriate reaction to people seeing his feet. And unfortunately, he stopped taking care of his feet. Jake only fucks black chicks because he doesn't respect them. He shows them the feet. I don't understand. I never would have imagined if you were to stop taking care of your feet that this was even a possibility that it could happen. Oh, corn, Jay. What is that called when people scrape the shit off a boat? Cornicles. Yeah, that guy will do it. Can I be honest with you? His feet look so painful and chafed. I bet a foot massage would be like an orgasm for him. Oh, I doubt it. I bet he would feel like he's just getting stabbed. Oh, yeah. Oh my god. Guys, you gotta run before you can walk. He just breaks off his big toe. Guys, every building starts with the first brick. I know it doesn't look like a lot's happening right now, but trust me, this is important later. Shit, dude. They've almost got down the human foot. He goes, the good thing is you can never get tickled. Do you think on some level this podiatrist is like, this is fucking, this is what you live for. Like, this is the biggest game ever. He's like, you mind if I keep one of those nails on a necklace? No, my diet hasn't changed, but I did get bit by a radioactive iguana. Thankfully for everybody, Dave's foot stopped bleeding. I was so relieved. Now, when you fix my feet, can I still sleep upside down on a tree? Because I'm going to be honest with you, I started to kind of like it. No, my claws! Time out, time out, time out. How am I going to defend myself? How am I going to swoop down and pull fish out the water? Oh, whoa. Oh! That looks like an ear. That's my salmon spike. Was that Dante's earring? Oh, I'm a ram horn. Now I'm defenseless. A corn actually hits and dies into the skin, creating a lot of pain. Oh, no, no. Not Epstein Island. In David's case, his coins needed to be removed with my scalpel. That hurts. Yeah, that one's not good. You shouldn't have done this. Why'd you do this to yourself? This guy's a pussy. Oh, that looks like it hurts so much. No, it doesn't. It's not his foot. It's things on his foot. Yeah, but once you find out that it's like tender and sore, and he's like, ooh, it hurts. You're like, oh, it must hurt so much. At first, you almost assume, like, did it all just go numb? Like, you don't feel none of that? Like, you're like, dude, you're fucking worse. I'm a good patient. I don't know why I equal pain to like it's all working to any dentist or anything. When a dentist is doing things where it's like, sorry about this. I'm like, go for it. Kill it. If I was this guy, the pain would be like, they're getting it. They're finally getting it. Oh, bro. You're doing good, bud. Dude, he just smelled it and his eye went straight. Oh, God. He's like buffing rust off a cigarette. We're only about an hour away from an Asian chick being able to handle this. It is remarkably better. They, like, are approaching feet. That's fucking crazy, dude. Wait a second. Don't take my claws. I've got to survive. What's that useless Band-Aid for? It holds on my baby toe. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It looks like Parmesan cheese. We're going to put your feet in a bath. We're going to soak it. Now, can you stop now? We're going to get the rest of this dry skin off. Okay. After we got all the toenails shaved down properly. Is this guy from Philly? Yeah, we got all those toenails shaved down properly. I bet this is Pennsylvania somewhere. He lives in Jersey, so maybe. Yeah, yeah. All right. Wow. Yo, that's crazy, dude. The after is still so bad. The after is slightly better than Jake's toes. All right. Slightly. I got you down, so you're no longer considered a bird. David's goal was the first. All right, now your feet will show up on an x-ray. Why are you wearing Tim's? Because, dude, listen, your feet are fucked up. It doesn't mean you're not still fucking 90s hip-hop. Yeah. Well, now I've got to go get a bacon, egg, and cheese the Aki way. How does that feel? Yeah, dude. Look at that guy. Below the waist, this guy's going to inspect the deck. I couldn't be happier right now. Seeing David walk out. What up, y'all? It's the best feeling for a doctor. Six weeks later. Oh, shit. It's worse than ever. The feet got angry. They revolted. You've opened the portal. It's traveled to the hands. And I'm really excited. You've angered the demon. Doctor, I don't know how to tell you this, but you've awakened a demon. You've been through the ringer with these things. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to take off your socks. They look like normal feet now. It's very possible for someone to fall back into their old habits. So crusty. They're painted. His nails are painted. Oh, they're still disgusting. I'm so excited to see that his feet look unbelievable. Jake, he's gotten down to your feet, dude. Unbelievable. Through medical wizardry, he's gotten down to your feet. Does this guy die underwater? This is like when they... This guy's feeling like Michael Jordan's dad. Holy shit. Remember the only show you his feet, his big old swollen feet? Oh, my God, dude. That's the worst thing I've ever seen. And I watched my father die. Well, don't put all your money on the Knicks. Jesus Christ. I'm going to puke. Yeah. That was horrible. But that doctor did a lot of... You're going to puke. I'm going to not jerk off. Jake, you got to find that doctor. If he could bring that guy's feet to there... Oh, yeah. He goes to that doctor. Yeah, your feet are fucking gross, dude. I can hook you up. Yeah, but Jake, it's not like you don't have, like, crust growing. Your toenails are not growing out of control. It's just awful, awful, awful fucking fungus. You need to stop drinking. You need to take the pills that make your toe fungus go away. Or do tenactin. at least. No, that's not going to work on him. Or it's tough acting. There's always a fucking option D in this guy's world. Kill yourself. Do a pro and con list if you're really worth being here and then maybe kill yourself. Yeah. That's a long term cure. I mean, I recommend that for everyone. Long term solution for a short term problem. I'm the only person who says that positively. That does actually sound pretty good if you say it like that. Short term problems suck, dude. Jake, just go to a doctor tomorrow. We'll pay for the visit. We'll pay for the medication. No, we'll take it out of the show. It's fine. Absolutely, Lewis will pay for it. No, it's fine. It's coming out of his fucking eighth. Yo Kratom will pay for it. It's coming out of his eighth of Story Wars. No, it's up to you. You said that two weeks ago with Jordan Jensen. And then you just asked her if she wanted to hook up. Did she respond, by the way? You unsent it, you faggot. Oh, that's even worse. Now I got to text her. Jake wants to hook up. Jake thinks you're cute. All right, well. Jake thinks you're hot, would you? And then show this guy's after feet. Damn, Jake. Tomorrow you'll go. I don't know if it works like that. You might have to make an appointment for a couple days away. Jake's going to go to Dr. Brad and then we're going to hear that Dr. Brad hung himself. They're going to go, are you coming in for a checkup? but he's going to go, well, it's more than that. I mean, there's just a medication. You're simply, are you willing to stop drinking for a few months to fix your feet? You're saying it like you don't believe yourself. He's like, yeah. Are you willing to tolerate putting the acid on your feet to change the Joker's face to that? Okay. All right, it's solved then. So you won't drink in Cabo? I mean, you're not allowed in the hot tub at Lewis. Not in that fucking... No, we found out that it can't swim, his fungus. Oh, really? Oh, my God. Oh, then have fun floating around in that fungus soup. Well, no, he's got to wear swimming shoes. Yeah. Because you can't, if he steps on, like, the surfaces. I bought him water shoes last year. Oh, you should make him swim in Uggs. But those have mesh. You should get, like, wetsuit feeties. Yeah. I would tie trash bags around his feet. Yeah, we're going to wrap your feet in saran wrap. Or, like, a full dung bell or whatever those are called. You know what I'm talking about? Jake, you know what? Just kill yourself. Jake is right. I would love for that. It is an option. It's an option. It's an option, I'm saying. The thing about it is, is the other options all started getting so complicated that you need new water shoes. What are you going to go to? Fucking three appointments in the fucking city? You live in Brooklyn, dude? You live in Jersey, right? You live in Jersey? What are you with? Lower your side. Lower your side. Oh, you don't want to go to a specialist, dude. That's too much time. You can kill yourself so easy. walk over to Chinatown and just go to like any Chinese business you know like it could be a restaurant or whatever set up a laptop watch your favorite funny thing you love microwave your favorite meal then put that microwave in the bathtub eat that microwave meal throw the trash on the floor and then just fucking arm shove that fucking microwave right in the tub with you it'll be fast I think Or maybe try microwaving your feet. Who knows what'll happen? I'll tell you what. If I were you, I would put my feet in a microwave and see if it did anything. I bet you it would fix them. I think that's like fucking hobo cancer treatment. If I had hand cancer, I'm not going to use my fucking stupid, shitty insurance for that. I'm just going to microwave my hand and see what happens. Well, I think that's our show. That was a great show. How about some noise for Mike Cannon and Brendan Sagalow? Fart Carnival. Yeah, please listen to Fart Carnival. Fart Carnival available on Gas Digital. These two or two are the funniest motherfuckers. Make sure you follow all their shit. Thank you guys so much for being here. Thank you for being here on this fucking one-degree night. Jesus Christ. Until next time, everybody. Peace. You've been listening to the Legion of Skanks podcast with Big Jay Oakerson. Did you suck it? I think I would instinctually suck it. Thick with three C's. Who wants me fucking over, Louis? Louis Gomez. Louis J. Gomez, you motherfucker. Louis J. Gomez. Ever try to watch a retard draw swastika? That's hilarious. I'm sort of known as a point guard of podcasting. Being a fat gay guy is so fucking awesome. And comedian Dave Smith. You fucking godless, soulless sodomites. That's the fucking best joke I've ever heard in my life. It was eight inches. The Legion of Skanks podcast. .