Brian Simpson Almost Died | Your Mom's House Ep. 852

Welcome to your mom's house. What's up, mommies? Thank you for joining us today. Tim is out on official show business, but I've got a pretty fucking great co-host today. Please put your hands together for Brian Simpson, everybody. That's right. I love you so much. I have arrived. Yeah, thank you for coming here. Of course. You've had quite a harrowing time. Yeah, I almost died last month. Hold on. Let's start the show. I'll do this. 24-hour emergency medical response service. What? You just press this button and speak into the air and... I'm having chest pain! Oh, shit. Hold on. Shit. Oh, that was perfect. I love to put that together and eat the rays. No, no, no, no. Uh-oh. Listen, before we get into it, I want to plug some dates. Believe it or not, mommy is doing very, very, very limited runs. I'm doing Irving, Texas, Punchline, April 24th and 25th. And then Denver at the Comedy Vex, Comedy Works, yes it does, Comedy and Prayer, May 14th through May 16th. And then Chicago at the Den Theat, tickets at christinep.com. Oh, also, bros, I'm doing April 10th and 11th at Mother's Ship here in Tejas. So if you're a local, get that shit now. Brian, do you have any shit you want to plug before we go on? Yeah, I'm doing a Eugene Oregon, April 10th and 11th. Yeah, Eugene Oregon at Olson's Run Comedy Club and then the port in Baltimore, Maryland, April 16th and 17th and 18th and then San Jose on the 23rd of California, tickets at bronsoncomedy.com. That's the San Jose improv? Yeah. That's the best. Oh, also, buy my lipstick. I'm wearing Katsu Up, the liquid lipstick, christinep.com for all your lipstick needs. Get the perfect red. Perfect for my liquid stuff, my cheeks, everything, everything, everything. Okay. But most important. I'm having chest pains. That's never, that's etched into your mom's house lore right now. Yeah, that one's an oldie but goodie. Touch me through the fence. That's right up there. Touch me through the fence. So what the fuck, man? You've had a near-death experience. This happened like a month ago. Yeah. I had a blood clot and it clogged my artery. I had a heart attack in Atlanta. I was on the road. Bro. In my hotel by myself. Bro. Okay. Walk me, I haven't asked you the details because I wanted to exploit them on the show. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd rather make money talking about it in public and staying with you. Yeah, I'm right there with you. But I did see you in the green room and I'm glad you're back. Yeah. Okay. So fucking, okay. Touch me through every minute of this. Yeah. Well, in actuality, it's something that had been happening before this. So like maybe five days before, I thought I just had real bad, a heartburn or whatever. Heartburn. Yeah, like an ingestion or something. And it just hurt real bad but then it went away. It lasted like a minute and a half and it went away so that I went to sleep. And then that was like a Saturday. And then it happened again on Monday and then Tuesday I flew to Atlanta and then I did a podcast. I did the 85 South Park. And right before I walked in there to do the pod, like it happened again. And I was like, please, no, no, no, no, no. But then it was fine. But the first time that there was something that something was off was like, because during that whole thing, I was like slow. I was like missing jokes. You know what I mean? Your brain was foggy. Yeah, yeah, I was just foggy. You know, and I slept all day. So I was like, and the same thing, I slept all day the next day and I slept all day the next day and I still was just exhausted. Which is kind of normal when you're on the road to sleep all day because you're up at night. And also you're trying to get, you know, because everybody has different travel habits or whatever. But I like to stay up all night and catch the early flight and then sleep on the plane or sleep when I get there so I'm refreshed for the show, right? Yeah. Anyway, so it isn't abnormal to be tired and not know why. Yeah, yes, exactly. But then I did the show and everything was fine. I did a Thursday show and everything was fine. And then I get back to my hotel and I go to lay down and boom, it happened again. And it was as if how fast does it, how fast does that boom? Is it like, blah, blah, like just like a bloop or it lasts for minutes? No, it's like an inner ache, like a deep ache. Like your heart is aching. Yeah. Literally. And I gave it a minute because it was exactly what it was, what had happened like a few days before. And for me, every single time I had just eaten and went to go lay down. So I was like, I have to stop. So that's why I thought it was digestion. Yeah. And I started being like, ah, come on. But then it didn't go away. And then it started getting worse and worse and worse. And then I started feeling nauseous. And that's the thing is like chest pain is one thing, but chest pain with anything else is an emergency. What do you mean? I'm having chest pain. It's an actor. It's the best thing that that's that guy's job. Oh, chest pain. Did you say that? Did you feel like that? No, that's what I did. I said that at the front desk. So my dumb ass, I was like, OK, I'm going to the hospital because here's the thing. I got to give you some backstory. Years before, like I might have been doing the pandemic. I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. And I was because I was so young, like the nurse literally laughed at me. It was a male nurse. He laughed at me. They fuck them because they're male nurse. No, no, they are. They're weird shit. No, he's he laughed because he was like, you're not having a heart attack. And they took the they took the they took the readings and stuff and they were like, you're not having a heart attack. It just you just end up and they gave me something for like acid reflux or something. And but he was laughing. But they did an EKG. Yeah, they did. They did whatever tests they do. Yeah. And he laughed. And that made me that's why I didn't. The only reason I didn't go to the hospital when it happened, when it initially happened, right? This fucking asshole that laughed at me. I don't know. But but but like anyway, David. So this is probably the first time I've had to go to the emergency room, not poor. Oh, so I'm used to the poor person treatment. So I'm like, so I'm like, let me make sure I take my headphones because I'm gonna be sitting there for hours and hours and hours. So and then in a and I walk out of my room and I forgot my headphones. No, I get my little statue and I got all my essentials and all that. I forgot my headphones and I go to go back in the room and I forgot my key. So I'm like, so I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna go down to the front desk, get a key, come back up, get in my shit. But I get down. Wait, hold on. What you're you're thinking was I'm going to go to the hospital myself. Yeah, I'm going to drive myself to the ER right now. No, no, I'm not going to drive myself, but I'm like, we're going to get. However, I'm going to get there. I'm going to be waiting a lot. Yeah. You know, so. So I go so I go down to the front desk to get a key. But as soon as I walk in front of these people, I just drop to the floor. The pain gets so bad that I can't even stop. Yeah. And they like, are you OK? I'm like, no, I'm not OK. Did you get to say that really? Yeah. Did you say no and oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. And because because at that point, you know, the quorum goes out the window when you in enough pain. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you could really tell. I'll raise like if I catch you in the middle of a heart attack, I know how you really feel about everybody. You know, that is so boy, that that's called the social whatever the social self drops, like when you're in labor, when you're about to fucking die, when you see the angels coming. You know, you know, this is exactly like if you if you wearing like an elaborate costume, yeah, and you and a lot of pain, you start taking pieces of it off. It's the same thing. You you take off all the mask. I can't breathe. But yeah, I'm in struggle. So and you've you've been in the military, like you've already you're a tough guy. I mean, I guess I guess. But but I am. But but the guy the front desk guy, he calls it is two of them, actually. And he calls he calls the ambulance. And the funny shit is it was like three stooges type of shit, because he they were telling him to tell me stuff, which I probably should just call now on myself. But they were telling him to tell me stuff and it was like, but he was also like panicking, you know. So oh, because he was freaked out. Yeah, he was. Think about this guy. Think about this guy was like on the night shift at like a holiday in express. He ain't you know, I'm saying he built for emergencies. Can I tell you something? No, and I know, you know, this is a military man. Most people are not built for emergencies because they're fucking crybaby pussies. Now, if I were there, I would have handled your shit. Lickety split because us Eastern European bitches are built for trauma. You know, it's so funny. What I would love to see. I think the funniest thing would be if the next time I have a medical emergency, you're around and you just freak the fuck out. Never show footage of you freaking out and then cut to you going. I'm Eastern European Beach fucking bitches. Immovable object. Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a storytelling show. Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories into a toddler's face. Wild face sometime. Regretful. Every STD horrible. I'm gonna fuck you up. An amazing story. We just got started. I'm gonna stop the terrorists. You're in trouble. That's the reality, huh? It's gonna be a good night. It's gonna kill us all. Come on, about to be fucked. This should be in jail. Hey, man, are you OK? I actually do well. You don't fucking talk to me, OK? I'm a disciple of the Lord. Not in this spot. How did I get here? How did this happen? That's a good question. You guys ready to start the show? No, I am... So this crybaby pussy calls the ambulance and he's like... He's laid down. So he calls 911 and then the funny thing is they tell him to give me some aspirin. Oh, OK. Right? And then he hands me the aspirin and goes, take this. And I put it in my mouth and then I hear him go, oh, he was supposed to chew it? Did you chew it? And I'm like, no, you didn't say to chew it. It's like that. I was like, was that a key step? Yeah, so it dissolves in your mouth. Yeah. Because it was just one of those weird ADHD things where it's like, whatever you do, don't cut the blue wire. But why you're cutting it. Of course, yeah. And they're like, oh, but if you cut it, don't cut it. Don't put it back together. Why you're putting it back together, it was that kind of thing. That's the worst. And she and... No, but then what's so dope is the guy that... The ambulance got us showed up on the ambulance. He knew exactly what the fuck he was doing. Good. He was like on top of... It made me feel so much better. But he was also training the motherfucker. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was one of them type of situations. And the thing is, they're not allowed to tell you that you're having a heart attack. Why? I think it's like a legal thing. Because they can't diagnose it properly. Exactly, like he's not a doctor, so he can't officially diagnose you. So they got to like... They know. Oh, he knew. They all fucking know. He had to talk around and he put some nitroglycerin on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he did all the right things. And then with irritated the fuck out of me, and this is fucked up to be, because I don't think these hospitals are really set up. They're set up to irritate you. Yes. And so I get to the hospital, there's probably nine, 10 people all around me, right? Oh, so they really, they ushered you in. Oh, yeah. You were code red. Yeah, you were in. Well, that's good. Anything? The secret to the ER is always get in the ambulance. Don't fucking drive yourself. Don't go to the... And the ambulance is not as expensive as you think. Actually, it's your stay in the ER and any machines they hook you up to when they fix you. Oh, yeah. Well, I wasn't worried about the expense, right? Because the VA, so that's the thing. I told him, I told the ambulance, I want to go to the VA hospital. Smart, oh good. Because it's free, right? And he was like, no, you don't. I was, this was a coincidence, right? I literally, I had my heart attack right up the street from like one of the top cardiac places in the country, right? Praise Allah, he was watching out for you. He was like, you do not want to go to the VA, the VA fucking sucks. No God is watching out for you, Brian. So I go to, so I get to the hospital, but here's the thing. The ambulance guy, he was like, I wish I could, cause like they're not allowed to like be like, here's my card or whatever, but I wish I could contact this motherfucker, cause he literally, he got it. He was the only person they got it. I don't know, there's like 10, 11 people in the, he's waiting for all the people to get into the room. So he can just, so he can go, okay, he goes, everybody's here, okay, boom. And he goes, you know, we got a, it's a 43 year old male, he be able to, this was a situation, this is what he was presenting as. This was the readings, this was all, all of these things. He's from this place, he's from that place, all the questions you might have. He said it, he went to everybody, got there and said all the information, right? And then he left, and then five different people asked me all the same questions. People that were standing there when he said all that shit. And I'm sitting there like, I'm so frustrated, but like how many times do I got to say this shit? Yeah. Yeah, it was like, it was very, it was like this mix of corporate and care. It was like one or three or four people cared and everybody else was just like doing their job. Yes, because you have to fucking answer the same questions every time you go to a doctor when I had breast cancer, the same fucking thing. Like that you fill out the same information every time. And then you get into the room and they're gonna ask you the same fucking 20 questions again. I don't know what that redundancy is. What the, is that a HIPAA thing that they can't? I don't know, also I'm like, motherfucker, can't we connect all that shit to this barcode? That's what I was saying. Why don't you walk in and scan, bitch, and then ask me what's missing? Literally what I said, I go, can I just carry around a thumb drive, whatever that is, and I hand it to you and all the shit you need is fucking there. Right, or I'm like, can't we just pretend like I'm out, like I'm out, what would you do if whatever was wrong with me made me unconscious? Yeah. I'll tell you, some of these people would just walk in and ask your lifeless body the same question. So how old are you again? Where you from? What happened? What happened, yeah, I know. It's still happening, bitch. Can you work on what's happening instead of asking me what happened? Did they hook you up to machines at least? Like, were you getting... So that's the other part. So they had to do like the emergency thing when they put a stint in, but they go through your groin. So it's not like a surgery, surgery, but it's very serious. How did they go through your groin? I don't know, I don't, because I was kind of out of it, and the last thing I remember is the doctor being very frustrated with me because I kept moving my hands. Oh, because you're, yeah, you want to protect your body. Because I'm like, give me, like, because it hurts so bad, and they had already given me three doses of morphine, it wasn't doing nothing. And all I remember is the doctor being like, sir, keep your hands down. And I remember thinking, the last, my last thought was, bitch, why don't you tie my hands down? I'm clearly involuntarily or reflexively moving my hands. Why don't you do something about it? Yeah. Yeah, like, because I kept, I was like in and out of consciousness, and every time I came to consciousness, she was asking me to keep my hands down. Like it was something I was doing. Like if me moving my hands is going to kill me, bitch, just take it down. I'm dead of strength, yeah, I know. Anyway, that's all I was thinking. Of course, I don't know what was going on. You know, I saw that lady very briefly, and I also remember one of the doctors going, he was like, yeah, my name's Paul, and I'm going to be with you. Don't worry, I'm with you the whole time. And then I remember coming to him, they're like, where the fuck is Paul? He said he's going to be here, yeah. Where the fuck is Paul? Yeah. So, but then after that, it was like torture. Like the ICU part was just, it was literally, I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine that like every 15 minutes would squeeze the fuck out of my arm, like to the point where like I couldn't sleep. Every time I got comfortable, and if I didn't relax my arms so I could get a good reading, the alarm would go off. I was hooked up to 15 machines that all alarmed unnecessarily at the slightest thing. So that's what I mean, it's like, the downside to it was that if you think you're doing something to save someone's life, you can justify any behavior. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And I had to negotiate the bitch to turn the machine down to every half hour instead of every 15 minutes. Yeah, I know they're constantly, well the ICU, they're monitoring you to make sure you don't just die on the spot. But what I find ironic, because I had to spend four days there when they did my breast reconstruction, is that they're putting you, like you're the most vulnerable you are. And guess what? That one fucking nurse that's dealing with you is also dealing with the most sick motherfucker next door, some contagious shit. And this guy is dying too of some other disease. So like they put the most vulnerable people next to the other sick people that have shit that if you get that, you're dying. Like I remember when Tom was in the hospital when he broke his arms and legs, they put him next to the COVID unit at Cedars. I'm like, oh cool. So I get to walk through COVID to see my fucking breast. The person next to me had COVID. Yeah. And that's the most, you're the most vulnerable one there. And you get that. I'm pretty sure one of my nurses had COVID. Of course. And it's not their fault. This system is stupid, but she comes in and she sanitizes her hands. So we know we're good, right? Yeah, or something. No, I remember one of the nurses, he fucked up, he fucked up, like trying to get something out of my IV. And it came out a little. And he's not a phlebotomist, but he tried to fix it. Such a big word, phlebotomist. Those are just people that take your blood. But you knew that, like nobody knows that. Nobody knows what a phlebotomist is? Did you guys know what that is? You didn't say? I told you they're, everybody's fucking stupid friend. I mean, if you know what a Filipino is, you know what a phlebotomist is. Cause they're pretty much synonymous. Oh my God, that's so true. I never put that together. Yeah, so this is what happened. This dude fucked him up. And it got to the point where he went over to the sink and grabbed a paper towel. To what? And I got to wear with all to be like, that's not sanitary. Not as fuck. Right, I was like, excuse me, can you go get somebody please? And this Filipino lady who I never saw before or since came in, like it was like fixed the whole situation. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And popped out. That's the thing, you get a good one. A good nurse is worth gold. You find that one bitch that's been on that unit for like 20 years. And she's like, I got you, you're fine. Let me help you. That one is worth gold. And then the fuck one retard. Here's what really sucks. Here's what really sucks is all these nurses was fine. All of them was fine. Really? Nines and dimes. Really? And I'm at my most vulnerable. My feet crusty, my dick in a bag. And just the hottest woman you ever seen is walking in being like, all right, let me, let's see what your balls, okay, take your pulse. And it just felt extra vulnerable. Yeah. Man. Here's what's so crazy. The food they were giving me in the cardiac unit didn't seem very heart friendly. Bro. I had fried chicken one day. That's right. As the meal. I was gonna say that. I'm like, not even baked or rotisserie in the heart unit. No, I know, bro. When I was in Texas here for my, all the hospital stays, they're like, do you want to order, I ordered a fucking, yeah, enchilada with cheese on the whole plate. And you're like, is this? This is hard, healthy brisket. Yeah. But not only that, you can't get up to take a shit. So you're gonna pack me full of these calories. How am I gonna shit? I'm on opioids for days. I had the hardest time. And here's the other thing. Oh my God. This was a very high tech place. Yeah. So instead of like a bed pan or whatever, my dick was in a bag. Oh, that's so cool. And when you piss in the bag, it like sucks it into the wall, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They call that the cooter vacuum or the cooter cover. I forget what they call it. Yeah, and it's like, but I had a hard time, I had a hard time pissing and laying down. Really? I was just like, when can I stand up? Because they don't want you to stand up because you're on blood thinners. And you have a wound from the procedure and they don't want it to bleed. So you can't stand up. So even though I was capable of standing, it's like they won't let you. But it was just hard for me to go like that. And they were like, do you want the catheter? And I was like, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The catheter's the worst. No, I don't want none of that shit. But I was only in there for a few days. I got out on Super Bowl Sunday. Wait, so how many, oh, so you were there Thursday night, you checked in, you were out by Sunday. I was out by Sunday. And they're also kind of like, they don't really tell you what to do after I find. They're just like, have fun, play or... No, no, no, exactly, no. That's when the nightmare started. So before I leave the hospital, right, the doctor goes, they find another clot forming. No. It's something they hope, it doesn't happen, but it's normal, right? Because they basically just, they just put something in your artery. To keep it open. So right now you have a stint in there that just keeps the blood flowing. Yeah, and it stays in there forever. Like it blends into your walls or whatever, I don't know. But while it's healing, it's a possibility of a clot forming is pretty high. So she puts me on this extra medication and the doctor walks in my room. So there's something, you're not, you're almost never talking to the actual doctor that knows what you're doing. There's a head doctor and there's a bunch of like, I don't know if these motherfuckers are getting their hours or whatever. But the head doctor walks into my room and she's like, she's like, I'm gonna put you on this new medication and you need, if you don't take, do you wanna, she said these words, she goes, do you wanna shit yourself? Do you wanna wipe your own ass? Do you wanna be able to wipe your own ass? Like she's very serious, she's like, normally I don't do this, but I come across the hospital to be, so you know how fucking serious this is. You have to take this medication. I was like, okay, okay, you know, and she hands me the first dose of that medication. You have to take this. Yeah, okay, okay, I got you, don't trip. Was she Indian? No, she was, she was either African or Jamaican. No, that's good too, I trust that. Cause those bitches study harder than anyone. Like a Nigerian woman, oh my God. I don't know if she was Nigerian. But one of my doctors was an African woman and I was like, yeah, you better fucking study hard. Yeah, but they got zero bad side manner. Yeah, it's fine. It's like, you need to stay in Africa and be a doctor over there, but like people don't care if you mean to them. I would rather have a nice doctor. No, no, no. Cause they're not gonna lie to you, cause I tell you the nice doctor, they bullshit you. I've had nice doctors who don't tell you straight up, like, hey dude, give cancer. Like I had a nice doctor not tell me I had cancer. And I was like, bitch, I can fucking read non-verbal cues. I know you're lying to me. And I said, don't you fucking lie to me again. Don't you lie to me. I don't want a doctor to go, yeah. Yeah. You tell me asshole, you've got the degree. What do I need to do to keep living? This episode is brought to you by Pocket Hose, the world's number one expandable hose. Old fashioned hoses are notorious for getting kinks and creases at the spigot. The copperheads pocket pivot on the other hand, swivels a full 360 degrees for full water flow and freedom. And not only is it super light and durable, your Pocket Hose Copperhead is backed with a 10 year warranty. The brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is a total game changer when it comes to watering. 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So she adds these pills to the sit-up, I was already on. And she goes, she goes, okay, so you're gonna get released this evening. You know, and it's Super Bowl Sunday. And because it's the weekend, the pharmacy and the hospital's closed. Of course, of course. So they give me, they send my prescription to the CVS that's across the street. I get released at 4.45 or something like that. CVS closes at five o'clock. So. Of course, it's the one place that's the most stressful. Is that fucking, like you just had an heart attack. It's the last place you wanna stress that. CVS, oh my God, yeah, for sure. Especially when they, so I get over there. And keep in mind, we call the CVS to make sure, cause they have like an automated thing and they're like, yeah, it's in progress or whatever. Right, I'm like, perfect. So I get over there and they don't have my fucking meds. And I'm like, and so the guy goes, yeah, we don't take your insurance. Cool. And I go, well, I don't have insurance. I'm self paying. I didn't put down an insurance. So basically what happened is this guy assumed that because I didn't have insurance that I couldn't afford the meds. So he just didn't make them. And I was like, sir, do you have them or not? And then he started telling me how much the most expensive ones cost. He was like, this one's $500. This one's $700. I was like, yes, sir. Yeah, I don't, I still need them. Yeah, I'm gonna die if I don't take it. And he goes, come back tomorrow. Just like that. Cause then keep in mind, you are pharmacist. So you know what that made us for. And you know I can't fucking come back tomorrow. You know I need it right now. And also keep in mind, I'm trying to fly back. I gotta fly back to Texas. So lucky for me, someone bent the rules. Someone at the hospital bent the rules. threw me a little dose. Yeah. Right. And I want to tell that story, but I don't want to get in trouble. So I make it back to Texas. And the whole next day, it's just me trying to get this prescription down through the VA, which is a fucking pain in the ass. The VA, like it's, I always say the VA is a vagina with tea. It's like all the good stuff's in there somewhere, but you really gotta navigate. You know, it's like Indiana Jones, you gotta like pick up the, you gotta pick up the bag and put down another, you know? It's, so it's a whole pain in the ass trying to get it through the government. So I'm like, fuck it. I use the CVS automated thing. I moved the prescription from Georgia to the text, to the CVS up the street from me. I go up there to go get it. I stand in line all this time. They hook it all up. They give me all the discounts and stuff like that. I get all the meds. It's like $200 for all the meds. I'm like, yeah, give me that, get that. I get back and I have the little list of things I'm supposed to be taking. I'm going through the list. I'm missing two of the meds. No, no, you gotta go back. Right, so I go back to the CVS and I'm like, and this is funny too, because I get there right as they're going to lunch. So they close the pharmacy. So I'm just sitting in there for an hour ruminating. And I keep my, I still have not taken this meds that, and all I'm hearing in my head is the doctor going, do you want to wipe your own ass? Of course, the panic is inside. You gotta give yourself another heart attack. Just getting them out. So finally, so they come back from lunch and I tell the lady, I bring the list, because when I first went, I didn't have the list. I bring the list of meds. I'm like, I'm missing these two right here. And she goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Comes back, comes to the front. And keep in mind, there's like nine people working in this pharmacy for some reason. They also have a drive-through, so maybe it's a whole thing. The drive, forget the drive-through CVS. No, I don't go through the drive-through. Garbage, yeah. So, but then she goes, well, she tries to apply the discount to these, and it doesn't apply, and these are the most expensive drugs. And she goes, well, you know, she tells me how much they cost. She goes, well, you know, together these are like $1,200. I'm like, okay, yeah, she's like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah. And she goes, okay. And she puts it in the system and it goes back to somewhere, because like she's not a pharmacist, right? So it goes back to the pharmacist. Now the head pharmacist walks up to me, like the guy that consults with you. And he goes, he goes, you know, these are $1,200. Oh my God. And I'm like, yeah, I do, I do. I do doc, I do. And so it goes back to the back where whoever's actually separating the pills, and it goes $1,200, like I hear from the back, $1,200. And it's like proliferating through the pharmacy. And I'm like, well guys, I don't want to spend $1,200, but I also don't want to have another heart attack. And I got $1,200. Do it, just get it out of the way. Yeah. It's almost like they were talking like they were used to people coming up in mid-life. What, $1,200? They just killed me. Yeah. Well, that's how, for sure. And that is how some people talk. I've heard stories of women who they're like, well, you've got cancer in this breast. Do you want to remove one or both of them? And in my mind, I'm like, take them all. Take my neighbor's tits. Take everybody's fucking tits. I don't want this again. But there's people that go, well, it is a little expensive. How much for just half a titty? Yeah, like, what the fuck are you insane? You don't have a choice, do it. Yeah, you really don't have a choice. Because I'm like, because also here's the thing, even if I got to go into like crippling debt. Are you gonna fucking, yeah. I'm just not gonna pay it. Yeah. That's so true. I'm just not gonna pay it. Like, you think I haven't been poor before and in debt before? It's so true. I was just, yeah, you just got to do whatever, whatever those people have to do. That's so true. It just means you're gonna have to have roommates and they go to cosigners or whatever, but you won't have cancer. That's the point. So true. Yeah, because my criminal Indian stepdad, he became a millionaire and he filed bankruptcy three times in America because you can. You can just start over again. And like, people are so afraid of the shame of bankruptcy. It's like, well, you can just do that again. Yeah, for real. You're alive. I would change my last name to bankruptcy if it meant I don't have cancer. Oh, shit, dude. Now, you cannot be poor in America when you get sick. You cannot be fucking. Bro, it's the worst. It's, because here's the other thing. It's self fucked up. Even if you got money, it ain't sweet. If you ain't got no money, it's a real struggle. It's really like, just die. Just die. Just die. I mean, fuck. But it's all working out fine. And the truth is, I feel better than ever. Like my mind is more clear than it's been in the long term. Really? Yeah. I know, because I think, I mean, look, I haven't really talked about this openly, but since I had cancer, like I have had a complete reawakening, like a complete reset spiritually. I fucking like, I don't know, dude, when you, oh God, I'm gonna cry. Is that what you wear on a stick on your nose? Well, this is a new thing I'm into. No. Oh. This is from a surfing accident. I went surfing and the board hit me. You went surfing like recently? Yeah, last week. Oh, okay. Surfing in Florida and I got a fucking, the board hit me. But that's what I'm saying now. So now I'm 50 and I'm surfing because I don't give a fuck, because late for short. And not only that, it forces you to look at your shadow, your dark self, the self inside of you that you're so afraid of looking at, because it's so fucking painful that it will kill you if you do. And you will. If you really go deep down this rabbit hole, Brian Simpson, which I really hope you do, it's very rewarding, but it's very fucked up. And I know you and I have a lot of fucking trauma. Yeah. You know, honestly, the epiphany I had was that I realized that I wasn't, I'm not actually afraid to die. No, me neither. What scared me the most was just, was living fucked up. Like, all I really wanted, what I really wanted was for the pain to go away. You know, and I was like, oh, like, but then it occurred to me where it's like, oh, you, because I said this to you on the agreement, I was like, the question I was faced with was, you know, because up to that point, I was doing a lot of like chain smoking. And like, I was literally smoking almost two packs a day and just sedentary lifestyle and just all these things. And what I really had to come to terms with was like, why don't you love yourself enough to not do this? This is what I'm, this is the shadow work. This is what I'm talking about. Yeah, well, it's like, where it's like, you want, like you're laying here dying and you're not afraid to go. Like you've come to terms with that, that might be what's happening. But if you come back, are you gonna keep on? Yeah. Right? What are you gonna do differently, asshole? Not you asshole, me asshole. Like when I came back from surgeries and everything, like my last surgery was just in August, right? Like I finally have tits again. I've got this new lease on life. And I was like, what am I, what are you gonna do, Pajitzki? Are you gonna go back to the same existence? So wait a minute, are you saying, so the cancer free didn't feel like the end of it? You didn't feel like it was the end of it until you had the titties back? Well, because they mutilate your body. So in order for me to get rid of this thing, I had to have multiple surgeries. They give you double mastectomy, of radiation. You go through all this, the treatment breaks you down. And then that's done. And then now it's the rebuilding of your body, which has been, I mean, yeah. And now is the other part of like, who am I now? I'm a Frankenstein, I'm a, and as a woman, it's tough too. Cause you're like, what am I if I'm not my breast that I fed my babies with and who am I? And, you know. Good thing it wasn't like clipped cancer. I'll tell you what, when I was in radiation, the scariest thing was asshole cancer. There are people that have fucking asshole cancer and you have to put your ass up on a table. Oh my God. And they radiate your asshole. That's the worst. Anyway, you got a new lease on life. Think about why you poisoned yourself. This is a big thing. Cause we all do it. We all fucking do it. We all fucking do it. And what are we gonna do differently from moving forward? Who are you gonna be? If God gave you this lease on life, you got the next, what, 30, 40 years, what are you gonna do? No, you know, the real shame of it is, cause earlier before the show, you were talking about, did I party yesterday? I was like, I don't party. And that's what really upset me. Cause this is what people don't understand. It's like, I got friends that, you know, they're my age. They in their 40s and they out here smoking, just drinking, fucking, you know, up all night. Like they in their 20s and I just be at home. Reading, gaming, smoking. And I'm like, but I'm paying the same price. Yeah. You're not even having fun. Yeah. You pay the same price for not having fun. Cause the niggas is out here having too much fun. I know it's not fair. But then I'll tell you what, Brian, you're on a new path. Are you gonna do some of this stuff? Now you've got a lease on life. She was a fairy. Yeah. Yeah. She was a fairy. Yeah. She was a fairy. Yeah. Yeah. She was a fairy. Oh my God. What is this? What do you mean? What is this? It's the stuff I'm into. Do you know that I'm into gay black porn now? Oh, this is my favorite team. I know you don't want to speak to me after what I said, but, you know, I've been doing some thinking and we can work things out. Maybe I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love this apology. I'm sorry. This way it is. Love it. I've been doing some thinking too. You're the best thing in my world. Aw. And I want to keep it that way. Let's suck it. Yeah. I love you. Aw, it's so romantic. Why is it so uncomfortable? You steal my man. What do you mean? And what's uncomfortable? I think it's the bad acting. I don't believe, I'm not there with you. I don't believe it. You don't believe that they really worked things through? No. But they look like twinsies. They've got matching nipple rings, matching earrings, matching bods. This is basically the same dude. Look how narcissistic that relationship is. It's the guy fucking himself, basically. Would you want to fuck yourself? Wait a minute, why do you think they fucking? I didn't see no fucking, I think you're projecting. Oh. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, maybe this will change your mind. Yeah, how much I charge. 200 will do anything you want. Anything? Anything. Y'all kiss. Is that gay enough for you, Brian? You know what I think? Is that gay enough? Watch. Oh, that's sweet. Oh, buddy, that's a good way to get mono right there. I get it. Look at his little tiny tea. You know what I've realized right now is that I don't think I should do this podcast without Tom here. This was a huge mistake. This was a huge mistake. You think he wouldn't show you that stuff? I mean, I've done why I make like seven times. I've never seen no gay shit. Okay, all right. I've never seen Muscle Bam Black Gay Shit. Any we've been playing it for Annie, he's always collecting these clips. So. Yeah, nah, so you haven't been here in a while. This has changed. It's like a man to your girlfriend in this photo on your computer. He's like, Annie, what the fuck is this? It's for my work. I know, I love it. Okay, well, okay, you want something hetero. I got it. I got it. Hold on. You deserve a spanking. Wood. What do you think? Smash or pass? Smash for sure. Yo, can we bring up some more of her stuff? Yeah, this is like, this is Betty the Great, like Gandalf before he went to hell. This is Betty White before she defeated the ball rung. Hell yeah, dude, listen, this chick is so fired up. I think she has an only fans too. Really? Yeah, she's really cool. I actually really admire her. She's good looking. She's got her shit together. Did you find her, Neanna? Is that a spoon or a spatula? I think it's a spatula. Have you been, so you would do an old person? I think so, yeah. There she is. Linda Hope Insta, there she is. Let's play another one for Brian. Let's get him. Undo that diaper with one hand. Look at that. Yeah, do the leash one. We'll go back up. Oh, do the tongue one down there. Why is that man on a leash? I'm hit, my back. Yes, ma'am, yes ma'am, yes ma'am. My neck, my back. Okay, go down to the mouth. This one's my favorite. No, no, no, just watch, look. Yes, I'm on that website. That's not appealing. Yes. Ah, she lost me. What do you mean? This doesn't turn you on. You lost me, Miss Linda. Oh God. Ah! That could be you, bro. Brian, she's telling you what she likes. Oh, shit. You're her type, bro. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Show me. I'll carry this, Miss Linda. Also, Tina, the thing is, that's not even that impressive. No, that's what I was gonna say. That's half a banana. Right, like, that's not, you ain't breaking no world records and nothing like that. No, she's not the throat goat. No, she put like a Burt's Bees tube in her throat. Like that's appealing. I know. Nah, she's posary, yeah, whatever. Okay, I guess you're not gonna go there. Have you seen Justin Timberlake's arrest? I have not. Okay, so. I don't pay enough attention to celebrities and shit. I know, it's usually, I'm not very interested, but I did, I was very taken with this. So first of all, this was taken from a body cam of his DUI or they call him DWI, arrest. And it's so fucking humiliating. I'm having chest pain. Okay, are you ready? Yeah. Here it is. You boys seem to be like on my criminal. I don't wanna say that, cause I mean, would you be interested? So, for a misdemeanor, DWI. He's so red. I appreciate you understanding what we gotta do with that. Yeah, I appreciate you boys for doing your job. I have one martini and not follow my f***ing friends on. You have more than one martini. I appreciate you boys for doing your job. Okay, here's the best part, ready? White. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, man. See. So you're being helped for the night and then in the morning is the uranium. So in the morning, usually around 9.30. So you're being held all night? Yeah dude. It might not be this one, you might be over at the other one and they actually had blankets for him. Yeah, it's a wild man. Well. Uh, he was very shocked. White? He was very shocking. White? I'm just kidding. It's because here's the thing. I can't decide if I love him or hate him because you can tell he's doing the celebrity thing of like, oh my God, I have to be in the thaw. This is not so flag-gross. I can't believe it. Yeah, but you almost f***ing killed people having a DWY, you drove drunk, clearly. Okay, I'll say this. I already hated him so much. Why? Like now I just hate him less. Why do you hate him so much? I don't know. You think because he's a cutie patootie? That might be part of it. Yeah, he's a cutie patootie probably. He didn't have a heart attack. He didn't have a heart attack. You feel like he didn't suffer enough but he was in show business from the time he was little. You're right, you're right. He's probably been. Because you know what it is is because I give Justin Bieber a lot of leeway because he was a little kid. Yeah, but I feel like. Allegedly. Timerlake always irritated me because I feel like he didn't suffer enough for the Janet Jackson thing. You think Janet, I think Janet got all the heat on that. I know. I agree. He didn't, one titty, you and her career and kind of catapulted his. And then when he came back and did the super bohini and throw her no cameo and nothing, you know what I mean? Well now I hate him all together. So I always felt some kind of, maybe he couldn't have, but I always felt some kind of way about that. Where it was like. He could have. You think he could have? You can do whatever the fuck you want in this life. When you're that famous, you can make shit happen. Yeah, so I don't know. I just, and that shit was trash. It was like he was like he had tried to pivot to like me and kind of a country man in the woods, country shit. Oh yeah, they all do country albums now. Everybody liked the dabbling black shit and then when they get popular, they like to go country. It's so true. I don't like that shit. But this irritated, but this made him a little more endearing. Cause he's a thing. They still people. So my hatred is, it's in my spirit. Like I ain't ever met this motherfucker. You know what's so funny? I was listening to Ray Gay Music in a restaurant. And it was a day. Why you was surfing? It's the same trip, yeah. And I was listening to like sister Nancy came on, bum bum, what da bum bum bum bum bino. And you're like, wow, that's like pure energy, man. Like she's so talented. And then I heard a reggae version of Dave Brubeck's Take Five. Do you know what that is? It's a jazz song. Okay, but the point of the story is the black version was so much better. And you're like, wait a minute. It might've been the original. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, Brian, is that you guys do it first and you do it cooler and then we just ruin, we ruin it. I just imagine you having this epiphany and then your surfboards smacking you in the fucking face. That's exactly what happened. Yeah, that's good. Do you get mad that we steal all your stuff and suckify it? No, I'm just used to it. I'm like, it's only, yeah, if we do something dope, it's just a countdown to when somebody take it. That's so true. Yeah, it was just the king of rock and roll. I'm like, okay. I guess. Yeah, I know, fuck her. Except, you know, that's why I fuck with Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton. Yeah, Dolly gave a lot of shit. She might be the only person where it's like, a lot of stuff just got took from her. Yeah, she wrote, yes, because then she writes songs that other people covered and she's real country. I mean, she came from poverty. Which I think is essential. You need to come from trauma on poverty. Yes. Oh yeah, Dolly's still kicking. I saw her at Atlanta airport actually a few years ago, walking through full makeup, full hair. I don't know, look her up. God bless Dolly, she's the best. She makes good cake mix too. If you ever had her frosting and you shouldn't be eating that stuff. There she is, she's still around. She's still doing shows. She's doing the casinos. Oh wow. Damn good. I remember she was famous for her titties. Fame and those are big naturals. So this is back in the 60s, the 70s. Those are her real fucking tits. Oh really? Oh yeah. Go back to early Dolly. I'm telling you, she's a country girl. She's got big milkers. She's got a breeding body. I'm telling you, we all do. Us trash people, like when you come from a poor trash culture, you're made to breed. That's her body. Look at those tits, those are real. Go Google, are Dolly Parton's tits real? They were at one point, maybe the first iteration. Yeah, of course dude. You don't have big milkers like that. Implants, what? Mmm. She got them in 1967, they were doing implants in 67? Damn, you never thought you would come to your mom's house to give misinformation. Fuck. Here we go. You don't join. You don't join. I'm shook, but this sucks. And how, did they even, what did they put in your body in 1967? What would they put in there? They probably just put like black children. Black kids? No, no. It's probably like silicone still or like experimental. So dangerous. Augmentation was performed in 1895. Oh, the first, no, no, no. But what was it made of? 1895 was the first TDI implants? That's wild. See, that's how important. It says silicone was in the 40s. Yeah, but what did they use in 1895? Oh, using a patient's own fatty tumor. That's what they used my belly fat to make my tits. Really? It's called the deep flap, D-I-E-P flap. And I highly recommend it. If anybody has a double mastectomy, you wanna do it. It's really a good procedure. So your titty, there's no silicone in your titty. No, I did not want that. It's a fat from your belly. Yes, and thankfully there was plenty. So they built some good tits. You know what's crazy though? It says 1895, they did the fucking whatever, the back fat and the tumor shit. And then in the early 20th century, they've used glass balls. Ivory. You know, it's something wood. How'd they go backwards? Ground rubber, they'll just shit it. They'll put anything in your body to look hot. It's really fucked up. Yeah, well that's what's so crazy about it. You heard of this, a covicular guy? It's called, like, looks maxing, you seen these people? I've heard of retard maxing on Instagram. Looks maxing is like these dudes are now like, you know, breaking their bones in their face and like doing all these things to like look the best. Oh, Jesus. And it's basically just what women have been doing. Yeah. Forever, like just doing all this crazy torture torture to their body so they can look the best. And it's called looks maxing. And they're like, they're talking about it like it's some kind of urgent thing to stop. It's like, I think that's just what. That's what chicks have been doing. I saw this clip of these two podcasting girls that I know who they are. And they're like, oh my God, it's just so brave. Like I forget what celebrity like a Kylie Jenner. She's like, oh my God. She said that she stopped getting her nails done. And she's like going natural. I'm so brave. And I'm like, you know how fucking brainwashed you have to be in the matrix to be like, I got to go put fake nails on my real nails. I got to keep doing this horse shit. Like for who? Guys will still fuck you. Don't worry about it. They're not worried about this. Yeah, but you know what? But the line is different for everybody. You know what I'm saying? That's true. But the guy that I'd be interested in is this is not the deal breaker. Boil your pussy. That's the new trend. Put rubber in your breasts. Do whatever you must. Steam your snatch. Steam your snatch. As you know, Brian Simpson, I like to highlight the marginalized communities of TikTok. Are you ready? That is what you're known for. Dude, I found some fucking straight up bangers for you. Please. I can't wait, raw. Get me. If you've been here, call me one more time, dude. Off another number on WhatsApp and show me your weenie. I don't want to see your shit. Yeah. Put it away. God, dummy. Damn, she must be just being bombarded with dick pics. I know. Neanna, are you bombarded with dick pics? No. Oh, is this you? No, no. Oh. Oh. I was like, damn, she be doing the shit out her makeup. She uses this shit. That's right. Christina P. Cosmetics. She looked like a completely different person. She looked like a different lady. You can track the life of your dreams. Confidence, you can have it with makeup. You see me one more. Like she was so upset by the dick pics she didn't put her teeth in before she did the video. I know. If I give one more dick pics. And also, don't you find that what you push away persists? Her tattoos move, though. Yeah, I know. I like those roses. You know she didn't do that. No. Like nobody from her community did that. No, that's what I thought. No, that's somebody with a steady hand. They did that joint. Do you have tattoos? A couple. Yeah. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have any, but. Yeah, who gets a shit? You're not going to die anyway. We're all going to die. Get the fucking tattoos. Who cares? All right, here's this. Imagine spending a weekend in a mansion full of joy makers. People who practice joy instead of escaping from their lives. Fucking losers. No small talk. No pretending you're happy. Here's how you'll live differently at the only sober adult summer camp. You'll mess up publicly and get cheered instead of judged. You'll play and laugh like no one is watching. You'll try laughter yoga, even though your ego hates it. You'll remember how to connect without a scream or drink. You'll make eye contact, hug, and listen in ways that actually give you energy. Comment Joy Maker if you want to take back the reins and ignite joy everywhere you go. What is wrong with white people? Any, any, you know the first thing I noticed about this. Yeah, they're all white. It was no black people. Yeah, I was waiting. I was like, at least because usually there's a token somewhere in the back of snow. No, because you because and I bet you black people have showed up. Right. And you you walk in there and go, hmm, this is a lot going on in here. You know what I mean? What part? Going on. What do you hate the most? This gives me the same vibes as you know, those videos. This is another white only thing of people like they go into the woods and scream at the tree. Oh, yeah, they get their rate, their primal rage. This is that she like we practice in joy. We practice in joy. Don't y'all have jobs? No, our kids. This is why regular people can't do this because we got you got to be at work. Who the fuck got time for a dull summer camp? Fuck off. Fuck right off. Adults don't get the summer off. We all of these people, your husbands are paying for this. Yeah, you don't have to. Who has a summer off to go to camp? Think about how crazy that is stupid. Yeah, people got to work adult summer camp. Get fucked. Also, if you have kids, you are forced to play all the time. And it is torture. So when you're a real fucking adult and you have an adult life with children that you are forced to be joyful with, you know, you know what I like doing the most? Nothing sitting, staring, quiet. And that one grown man that was in there. Shame on you, sir. Yeah, there was an Asian man with a ball head. Asian. Yeah, run that shit back. He should be working. Go to the part where they were they doing jazz hands. Oh, jazz hands. Yeah, he's the one that he's the one that did the front flip when they were like, no one's that you're asking me to do that. Yeah, such a frigging retard. I was like, yeah, do it, guys. She's like, no one's judging. Fucking idiot. Weekend in a mansion full of joy makers. Joy makers. That white chicks. Instead of escaping from their. No, dude, look, there you go right there. What the hell is one of them? Wait, there's two. Yeah, it's two Asian dudes right in the front. Stupid. I don't know how to do. I can't tell. That's a dude. Spending a weekend in the mansion full of joy makers. A mansion. Practice joy instead of escaping from their lives. It's right right here. See that man right there? Yeah. And then and then keep going. They get to the point where they say, when they talk about how you not being judge, he does a little he does a little a little summer salt. Oh, there's another dude right there. The white dude in the bag. Well, that's part for the course. Right, exactly. White guys with long hair do these things to get laid. The Asian guy is the anomaly because he just should have money and success to get laid. I don't know about me. The white dude is like he's like he like making kombucha in the house and shit. Like you already do. Of course. It's gonna come out. It's another time. I don't trust the male feminist at all. There's scumbags. Anybody that's like if you like making if you like maintaining me recipes and shit like that, you're not you're not on the up and up. Of course, you're pretending to be sensitive and feminine and all this shit just to get into girls pants. It's a racket. The only thing you could trust that make me are the dudes that also make swords like like Vikings. Yeah, like blacksmiths. Like they they they all in on the medieval shit. Yeah. But these dudes. Nah, I'm not with it. I'm not with it. These walnut acorn motherfuckers. Yeah, I get fucked. No, but this Asian guy, what are you doing in this? Her. Go on, keep, keep going. He doesn't he doesn't somersault. Shut the fuck up. Imagine spending a weekend in a mansion with a nightmare. I'm making myself joy makers. Joy makers from their lives. No, do you scrolling? No, small dog. No pretending you're happy. Here's how you live. Look at that. Look at him. Only sober. Do it in the blue shirt. This guy. What are you doing, sir? Oh, no. And he's got the black socks on to take your socks off at least if you're going to get on the kids mat, you fucking idiot. Oh, that's an amazing guy. You just hurt his back to play and laugh. You'll play. You'll play and laugh like you have children because you're supposed to be an adult and have children. Bro, that's just you don't get to stay the kid forever, you dummy. That's a room full of unwieldly bushes right there. Oh, for sure. It smells like shit. Shooley and pussy juice and ball sweat. You'll try laughter yoga, even though your ego hates it. Even now, you know, you remember how to connect with that. That won't smell like a you Subaru. Make a hug and listen in ways that actually give you energy. Oh, my God, they give me so much anxiety. Could you imagine having to make eye contact and hug and actively listen to a fucking stranger on one of the treats? Like the stranger is the hard part. Yeah, I can make eye contact and hug people, but not if I don't mean it. And I don't fucking know you, bro. And we're doing cartwheels together without any alcohol on a retreat. Sounds like a nightmare. Oh, fuck this. Let's go to the next thing. Anyway, I'm fit. I'm going to be 50 this year. I'm going to go for my facelift. What do you think? Oh, wow. OK, wait, is this? It's great. Can we do we get to see? Do we get to see like two weeks later? Oh, it's just the before. Oh, that's before. That's all you get is the before and that's just right after. Oh, my God. It's nice and tight. It's real tight. Oh, my God. Yeah, she's. See. I'm gone. What do you think, Brian? This is why every time. Every time I'm in a room with with with. All right. She looks she's trying to cry. Of course. Could you imagine you'd go to Russia or Turkey or wherever this is, you sign up for the facelift and you come out of surgery and you've got. And you look exactly the same. Well, all all your face is just plastered on and restitched. This is a nightmare. This is not. This is crazy. She's got drains or anything. I was going to say, this is this is why every time every time whenever a doctor comes in a room and he goes, just so you know, I got a student with me, it's OK if they watch. I so hell no, get them the fuck out of here. You ain't nobody practicing them because soon up with the sleep, you're going to let this be practiced. Of course. No, no, no. Can I tell you one time I let my gynecologist bring in a student to watch my paps, man? Bro. And I was like, yeah, sure. Why not? And this is post two babies. So my shoulds just blast it already. You should have seen the look on this girl's face when she saw my fucking couch get opened up. She was like, I always say, I always say no. I always say no. No, the V the V.A. I had an appointment with the V.A. pharmacist because I got to explain all the medicines. She was like, oh, just so you. But it was a zoom thing. She was like, just so you know, there's a student on the call. Is that OK? No, bitch. Who got a little bit of a learn and it's not even affecting me. Like she really probably need to learn these medicines. I don't give a fuck. Let them practice on somebody else. Some other poor sucker. No, get them out the room. Get them out of here. All right, here we go. What about this? This guy is mad because this guy has Hitler tattoos. Oh, wow. And this guy's a Jew, it looks like, and he's really angry. Well, yeah. What? I mean, look. Oh, look at that. That Jewish dude already threw hands. Oh, yeah. I know. I know. I know. That is so offensive. Look at that. Before I get security up here. Let's do something. Please. Yeah. Oh, I was him out of my sight. I thought they were at the airport. I was like, why don't you got your shoes on, sir? They had a pool. Yeah. I mean, at first I was like, all right, it's one thing to have the swastika back tattoos, but do you got a flant the myth airport? No, they're not at the airport. They had the pool. So then it's kind of a gray area. Like I can have swastika tattoos, can't it? And listen, I understand him being offended by the swastika tattoos, but also, sir, it's like, why do you have your shirt on at the pool? Are you? Because I feel like he's going to get in the pool with his shirt on. Oh, this guy? And I feel like that's just as offensive. Yeah, you're at the pool. That's a fact I'm missing. You're policing people's bodies at the pool. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like, yeah, I get it. Like, why are you out here? I mean, how do you know what he's going through? You might be ready to get those removed. You too poor for the laser stuff, but you have your, you are violating. You made a choice to to throw that shirt. Yeah. That's a good point. But that's a fact I move. They think that we can't see, you know what I learned in my older years is that you're going to be fat no matter what you wear to the beach. So you may as well wear like the bikini. Who cares? Yeah. And the thing is a lot of fat people from our generation, they, we depend on optical illusions. Yeah. And the thing is that shit, them shits only work from certain angles. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because it's like, it's like, bro, it's like, that girl's not going to fuck you because of which way your stripes are. She's either into your, you know what I'm saying? We have all these optical illusions. If you stand this way, if you hold in your stomach, if you move your hips, it's like, but you're still fat and eventually it's going to come out to whoever you're. Well, you're going to get naked with them. Exactly. You may as well lead with it. I don't know. It's like the whole, the ambush, that's over with your body ambush. Yeah. Yeah. Remember that one checks for gaining like Victoria's secret bras with the padding in it. The padding. Now they got shit. They got shit. I don't know what it is. Even is it because of the, I don't know, it was because of the carbon fiber, but now they got shit that they got pants for girls. You seen that? Oh, that make them have butts and stuff. Yeah. Have you seen these ads with the Asian ladies and they pull up these pants and it'll be like an obese woman. She pulls up these pants and she has a completely flat stomach and ass. Yeah, it was me. That was me before my surgery. You had like shaping pants? Shapewear. Yeah. It's called Spanx dude. Like they crush and they'll flatten you out, but you're still fat. It's just like putting you in a sausage casing. It just redistributes the fat. Don't that do something to your organs? Of course it does. It's so painful. I used to take them. I wear them to weddings, Spanx, under my dress and then I take the Spanx off and throw them under the table by the end of the night because I wanted to eat. I wanted to live. I feel like, did you ever have to get cut out of one of them things? Yes. Of course. Every woman has. Yeah. Especially in showbiz when you're filming stuff, they put you in that sausage casing and then you put your clothes on over and you look so good. It just makes you look smoother, but it's painful. It's terrible. Everything you've received of me on any TV thing or whatever I'm wearing that sausage shit. Yeah. This is new information. Yeah. I've been wearing this. It's going to make it good. In this whole time, you could have had that in your titties. You could have took that fat. I know. You could have took six months off. Cut a woodish shirt off. All right. Okay. Did you fucking hear? Where's the original clip of the fart lady? What? I can play it on my computer. Would you please? Oh my God. Have you seen this lady? I'll be so out of the loop. Okay. Well, that's why you're here. I'm bringing you up to date on current events. All right. The fart lady though. Oh, I know this lady. Oh, fart me. Oh. I'm gonna say that. That it just says, Nick, you got it. You got it. Can you kill that? No, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. My life. Hold on. What did he say to her? He's like, no, we can't. Why can't they kill the clip? Of course they can kill the clip. Because they thought they wanted attention. Of course. No, I've known. I did. I did see this clip. I didn't see that part of her being like, can we cut that out? He's like, no. Whoever the editor is hates her house. Nick, fuck with you. No, I think they all wanted to post that shit. Because there's no way I would have let that. There's no way I would have let that leave the house. No. I would have left his ass in that wall. We was putting up. Hell yeah, I did. Because, but I saw her. She went on. I think she went on the breakfast club to like exclaimers. Yes, she did. Oh, you have that? I don't have a rhyme or reason of the words that I make up. Like I say, I say nonsense stuff all the time. I mean, and again, like even like I edit my shows, right? And I'll be editing my shows and I'll be like, just finish with the fucking saying. Because I go off on like this and that and I'm off the cuff. I'm not scripted. So when you're trying to say something else in that moment. Absolutely. You say fart digger and fart knocker. I apologize. I do. I did. And I do. I apologize. I do. And to everyone out there, just Charlemagne's, you're aware that is a word that I do not condone. So the people out there that do not use me as an example, right? That's that's why I've been coming out against people saying, Hey, just because I said it, I made a mistake. I know I'm in a mistake. You watch that footage. Even the edited bull. You know that I am like, oh, so no, don't use me as your poster child for that. And I don't want you to think that coming on the breakfast club is just going to rehabilitate your image. Absolutely not. In fact, you might increase the chances that you have to do the airport with somebody going, that's the fart. Man, she might have been better off just saying it again right now, like on the show, double down, pivot to the right to a right wing podcast. I go talk to someone else. I know it's so, it's so tricky because like, yes, you've made the mistake. Do you apologize? I mean, you just listen, you apologize if it's sincere, but going on a breakfast club, that is the modern equivalent of like, of like bringing in our shop and then apologizing to all apologizing to Oprah or something. You know what I mean? This isn't the, it's exactly what he explained to her. You coming on a breakfast club isn't like, it's not like you came to the Nica council and now they've all voted that you could, that you good. You know, it's like people going to feel how they want to feel. You know what I mean? I feel like this was a bad move. I don't know who her PR team is. It's probably the same dude that told her he couldn't delete the footage. It was like, you know what you should do? You should go on breakfast club. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's ironic is she says, I edit all my shows. So if you're editing them, how the fuck did that get up? Do you know what I'm saying? Right. Why did you put that out? Yeah. Does she explain, now I feel like I gotta go wash the whole interview. I know. Does she explain why that, why did it come out? How did it come out? I think it got leaked. I think it got leaked. Someone done leaked. It got leaked by the dude that told her he couldn't delete it. Probably. That dude got to be off the tip. I want to see an interview with him. Oh, so bad. Do you think he's black? He's definitely not black. No, he's not black. You don't think so? I got it. Well, let's hear him. Can you play her a clip again? What if she says it all the time and he's like, that's it bitch. I'm releasing this clip. I mean, see, the thing is, what irritates me about people like this is like, you said it as a reflex, bitch. That mean you be having, you have it in the chamber. That's what Annie said. Yeah, you can't, you can't, because this, this is, this has happened recently in my personal life. It's unconscious. Where I was in a, I was in a discord with a longtime friend of mine and his like brother-in-law or something like that was in there and he didn't know I was in there. He just popped in to say, what's up to my friends? Like these are like my old military buddies. We, we, we game sometimes together and it's cool. And, and something, they're in a game. They're playing some game together and something happens and he, he just go fuck nigger. And he just says it like, like as a reflex. I'm like, what the fuck? It's like, if you got it loaded in the chamber, that's, that's you. I tend to agree because if that's your reflex, like your unconscious reflex word, then that's on deck. Okay, but you know what though? But I don't know. Maybe she genuinely. Here's the only exception I will give, right? Cause this is also true. Sometimes your negative self-talk, it, it is, it's you repeating what your most like abusive parent would say to you. Like when you made mistakes, like when you make a mistake and you go, you fucking dumb at, it's like, that's what your mom or your dad or whoever was abusive you would have said. And so if your parent, if your mama used to call you a fart nigger, whenever you made a mistake and, and now it's just built into your psyche. You know what? When you get first and you go fart nigger, then that would, I would have let it slide. If that was her explanation. And you know what, Brian? I hope that that is the story. I hope that's the story. I think you just did it. Thank you so much for explaining. We're solving problems. Yeah. Why I'm age guys. Here's some more white people shit. Black and indigenous people of color. Can you imagine this is going to be me in 10 years? This is, this is a, I'm already there. This is just, this is everybody that was ever in, in Edward Sharper, the magnetic zeros. What happens when they kick you out the band? I think these are just people that were into like theater in high school. Like, you know, those dorks back then and now they're like, no, I go to these dance circles. You know, you know, the era of music during the, during the 2000s where it was just, where it was white people going, Hey, stomping and clapping. Well, Jamir Kwai. Yeah. These are, these are all the people that used to go, Hey. I know you're saying this is like Paul Simon's Graceland album. Yeah. You're like, guys, come on. What, what, what, what is this supposed to be? Black people been stomping and clapping for years. Is this, is this not the, is this the joy camp still? Yeah. It's like another, so bad. I kill me. I can't, I don't want it. Okay. I want to leave you on something. Is it, this is like rhythm training. I know it's terrible. I'm going to leave you with something really positive. I want you to take care of yourself from now on. Okay. Here we go. Okay. We're doing this. Double snorting up urine through the nose, unblocking, panic gland, psychic vision and so on and so forth. The sole area here. Oh sir. Oh my God. Yeah. Like two times. Like two times. Or three times. Or three times. Do it once. Like. Yes. Oh shoot. The snorting up. Yeah. The quick double triple one. Double. You got to do it like that. Like cocaine a little bit. Yes. Yes. I know. Dude, that doesn't burn. See, this is why we need a higher inheritance tax. You do this type of shit when you got a trust phone. You don't got to worry about stuff. But organic. Organic. Sir. Natural urine. You don't want to. Oh. You're in my organic stuff. The organic MDMA, the organic cocaine. How do people get obsessed with their piss? Like when does this, you're like, you know what? This is medicinal. Yeah. You know what's funny is I've had friends like when I, when I lived in Hollywood, I've had a couple of friends, you know, they get under the grips of some guru. Yeah. And it's just a matter of time before they start drinking piss. Yes, I know. And that's when you know they gone. You lost them. And at that point they, they, they don't sign over everything. They don't have a car. They don't have a house. They gave up their coup. They gave up their, their rent control department. Yeah. So they could go drink piss in the woods. And open their pineal gland. Yeah. This is when, this is right before I'm up. I'm up because I live in in a tree house. Yeah. I know. I could see myself going here. Just do, I guarantee you this dude is living in a tree. Dude, I'll live in a tree. Like I could go here so fucking quickly. I swear. I'm insane. Even if you had to sniff your piss to stay there. I could see myself because I like meditate a lot, Brian. Like I'm telling you, I'm, I'm into the aliens. She's like, I'm Eastern European. I mean, I'm crazy. Like I love this kind of weird shit now. And I could go there. No, see, I can go, I can do weird. I can do weird. I can do strange. Oh yeah. You know me. I have my PhD in, in, in dealing with white people. Yeah. I can, I can do weird, but you lose me at bodily fluids. Yeah. Yeah. Like cause, cause I could be the guy, I could be the security guy at that joy camp. Oh my God. Would they clap and stomp to your heart's degree. I might even join you for a meal if I could bring my own sauces and stuff like that. But this, when you start doing fluids, I can't fuck with you. I cannot. No. No, I know. I wonder if there's any black people drinking. Cause if you, if you will snort your own piss, that mean you, you also have to, you also don't wash your hands. You know that, right? Cause anybody that think they piss is good enough to go back in their, in their head. They think they clean. They think everything about them is salitary. You just blew my mind bro, because you're right. That should go, it does go, it close to your brain, right? Cause you're snorting it. This is very dangerous. If this nigga make you a sandwich, it's piss on that sandwich. Of course. Well that's it. You guys. Yeah. Like his top, his top piece of bread. It's, it's, it's, it's piss soaked. It's all piss. It's all piss. This is like when people were putting alcohol in their schvinkters so that they, the body absorbs it quickly. Like you can die so fast shooting alcohol in your butthole. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah bro, you putting, you putting your acid up your nose bro. That's crazy. Anyway, I just, I hope you get into this because I do think you need to start. You hope I get into this? Yeah. You gotta be healthy now, Brian. Just, just kill me. Let me die. Whatever. I guess you don't want to live forever. Let me die. And his piss is, is a, it's a little too clear. Honestly, are we, are we doing some health assessments? I don't know. I think it's, he's dehydrated. I think it's, it's okay. Listen, I'm glad you came here. I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad you've decided to snort your own piss. I'm glad you're on this journey. Whatever, whatever it takes. I don't want you to die. So just keep doing what you're doing. No, you guys know what I do to stay heart healthy? I'm not buddy. Christina P. Cosmetics. You got it. You gotta do your, your liquid lipstick stays on forever. I'm wearing right now. My velvet crush blush. There you go, buddy. My velvet crush blush is how I stay heart healthy. That's right, buddy. I love you. Thank you so much for being here. Come see Brian Simpson. Just stand up. Come see me. Come see me. Just stand up and I love you and stay golden. Shower's Pony Boy. Also, be us with Brian Simpson's in my podcast. Okay. I love you. Love you too. Recently, when I became deathly ill, I used this remote. I used this remote control to counter my pain. I'm having just pain. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. I'm having just pain. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. I'm calling paramedics and your family, Mr. Miller. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. I've fallen. And I can't give up. Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. We're sending help immediately Mrs. Fletcher. Keep the cuddles and lose the mess. With Advantage chewable. Just one tasty tablet kills fleas and ticks for a whole month. No mess, no stress. Just one tasty chew. Advantage Chewable. Flee and tick protection made easy. 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