How to repair your most important relationships

This is the Ted Radio Hour. Each week, groundbreaking Ted Talks. Our job now is to dream big. Deliver it at Ted Conferences. To bring about the future we want to see. Around the world. To understand who we are. From those talks, we bring you speakers and ideas that will surprise you. You just don't know what you're gonna find. Challenge you. We truly have to ask ourselves, like, why is it noteworthy? And even change you. I literally feel like I'm a different person. Yes. Do you feel that way? Ideas worth spreading. From Ted and NPR. I'm Manouche Zamorodi. So, as I've mentioned before, I have another job besides this one. I'm a parent. And as anyone who is a parent or has a parent knows, playing hooky is not an option. As much as you might like to. I had a day. Like, I had a day. I was super stressed out. I hadn't slept. I was thinking about a million things at work. It was Sunday night. I mean, I don't know any parent who's like at their best on Sunday night. This is Becky Kennedy. She's a clinical psychologist and a mother of three. That night, she was in the kitchen. It was time for dinner. And my son walked into the kitchen. He looked at the table and he's like, ah, chicken. Disgusting. Literally like that, you know? So I'm just dying inside because substitute many different meals into that sentence and you're at my dinner table with my daughter. Right. Exactly. So I did what any normal parent would do, which did not include a deep breath. Thank you very much. I freaked out of him. I was like, what is wrong with you? You don't appreciate anything I do. Did I call him a spoiled brat? Did I? I was scary. I was reactive. I mean, the way I look at it now, my bucket of not getting my own needs met, my bucket of stress was at its max. And all it took was my son dropping one drop in there for the entire thing to overflow. You gave it right back to him harder and faster because you're an adult. Yes. Was he like, a mom's having a tough night? No, he was not like that. He, you know, he ran to his room and slammed his door. And now he's alone in his room and I'm alone in the kitchen. What was going through your mind? I felt like I was in the bus. You know, going down, down, down. What is wrong with you? Why didn't I yell at my son? I wish I could take that moment back and I can't take that moment back. And then also like, what is wrong with my son? He's so ungrateful and he made me yell. And oh, no one makes me yell, Becky. You know, and then, oh, if anyone ever saw that this is the way you actually talked to your kid, they wouldn't even believe it. And I felt like in that moment, time, like stood still. The most important bonds in our lives are often the most fragile. When we argue or don't own up to our mistakes, we can make our loved ones and ourselves miserable. And so today on the show, relationship repair, when communication breaks down, how to fix things between us and our family, our planet, and even our mortality. For Becky Kennedy, that moment in her kitchen when she lost her cool, well, she also knew what could make the situation better. Because she's not just a mom, she's Dr. Becky. You may have heard of her. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky Kennedy and I'm the creator of the Good Side Approach. As part of her mini-media empire, she gives parenting advice to millions of millennial moms and dads on social media. And big picture, I'm looking to be a parent's co-pilot for their entire parenting journey. Her approach is less punish and reward, like with timeouts or sticker charts. Promise you what leads to more bad behavior because our kids never have their new skills. And more of the positive reinforcement and no judgment style often found in therapy. Being a sturdy leader in any of your relationships with your kids, with your partner, with your friends, and their kids. This translates into parents examining and accepting their own emotions first, and then validating their child. Yes, it is about validating and seeing kids' feelings as real, but that goes side by side. With having real firm boundaries, you then are able to create the conditions for kids to thrive. It's a method that can be hard to deploy, right when your child is driving you nuts, and you just yielded them. Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain. Becky Kennedy continues from the TED stage. For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame. I mean, my specialty is helping people become better parents. And yet this is true as well. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job, but no one tells us what to do next. Do we just move on? Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened? Or if I say something, what are the words? Well I'm determined to fill the gap. Whenever a parent asks me, what one parenting strategy should I focus on? I always say the same thing. Get good at repair. You say get good at repair. So what does repair mean to you? Repair is really the act of going back to a moment that didn't feel good. Being responsibility, reconnecting and making a plan for going forward. You know, kind of change the ending of a story. It's not the yelling that messes up a kid. It's the lack of repair after the yelling that messes up a kid. So let's get back to my example. Here are the facts. My son is alone, overwhelmed and in a state of distress because let's face it. His mom just became scary mom. And now he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure. And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair, he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own disposal. Self blame. Self blame sounds like this. Things wrong with me. I'm unlovable. I make bad things happen. And while self blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against us in adulthood. These are the core fears of so many adults. But really we see here they are actually the childhood stories we wrote when we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired. This relates to trauma in general, right? People always ask me is this traumatic? Is it traumatic that I yelled? Is it traumatic that? My kids saw us fight. Whatever the thing is, trauma is an event. Trauma refers to the way an event gets processed in the body. And really, trauma refers to an event stored in aloneness rather than within a safe connection. In this case, within adult. And so the power of repair really changes our focus from the event or the behavior of let's say the yelling to okay, what can I do next to actually change the way that memory will live in my child's body. Damaging your child forever, it's many parents biggest fear. But for every mistake, Dr. Becky has a process to fix it. Step one is rupture. Check that off. I crushed it. Step two, a quick apology won't cut it. That sounds like this, hey listen, I'm really sorry I yelled. I mean, look, if you didn't complain about dinner, it wouldn't have happened, but I'm sorry, that is not a repair. That doesn't count. But it is probably what you were thinking inside though a little bit, right? You know, the idea that my son made me yell at him, it's just the most powerless version of adulthood. People don't make us behave in certain ways. I was triggered in that moment. And my trigger had to do with so many things of which my son was like a tiny part. So yes, your child will provoke you. But before you address that behavior, you need to take step three. Repairing with yourself. That really, really matters even though it sounds kind of cheesy. And even if my son says the worst thing to me, it's definitely outside of my value system to yell at my young child. So for me, that is a behavior out of line with my own value. We all have, and often what stops us from repairing is actually that we feel intense shame about the behavior. We do what we're prepared for. And we literally then can't even face it enough to name it and repair because we're trying so hard to avoid that reality. Okay, so it's really like giving yourself a timeout and making a clear distinction between the bad thing you did versus who you actually are as a person. Yes. I'm a good parent who is having a hard time. But it's very different than I am a bad person who does bad things. And so reminding myself of that, it really took probably the ninth or tenth time for me to feel a tiny release in my body, you know, and I was no longer in a best, maybe just a whole, but a whole is a lot better than in a best. It's a significant upgrade, I assure you. Right? And then like it was like I kind of was raising enough to kind of get grounded again. And only from that place can we repair with someone else. Now we're ready for the actual repair. And to me, there's some very basic steps of repairing with someone else. It's just name what happened, take responsibility for your behavior and state what you would do differently the next time. Hey, listen, I yelled at you earlier. I'm sure that felt scary. And this might seem controversial, but I said this. It's never your fault when I yelled. I was frustrated and I'm working on managing my frustration. So it doesn't come out in that way. That's not okay. And because I had repaired with myself and got to feeling like, okay, there is goodness inside me separate from this moment, I wasn't unconsciously looking for him to validate that. So even though he was kind of quiet in the moment, like I didn't have to say to him, so it's okay, right? So you forgive me, right? Which we're really saying to someone, please do the work that I could internally be doing for myself for me. Yeah. Why did you say that it's controversial that you told him that when you yell, it's never his fault? Well, I think, you know, it's easy to say on the surface, but like it was his fault. Had he not said that, you wouldn't have yelled. Again, I think that's, you know, a very powerless way to view ourselves as adults, but separately, I just, I can't imagine any of us want the next generation to think that other people are at fault for our bad behavior and are kind of reactive moments, right? And how we explain our emotional outbursts has a massive impact on how our kids think about their own. I know a million adults are like, when does my kid take responsibility and have accountability? And I think we a little bit have to look in the mirror and say, like, am I doing that? Am I doing that? I'm the adult here. I want my seven year old to take responsibility for their behavior, but when I yell at my kid, do I model accountability? Do I model responsibility? Right, so I think that really matters. In a minute, applying Dr. Becky's approach to repairing the relationship between a parent and their adult child, she says it's never too late. I'm Maneu Shazamorodi and you're listening to the Ted Radio Hour from NPR. We'll be right back. This message comes from Ted Talks Daily, the podcast that brings you a new idea every day. Learn what's transforming humanity from balancing AI and your critical thinking to surpassing discoveries about the adolescent brain. Find Ted Talks Daily wherever you listen. It's the Ted Radio Hour from NPR. I'm Maneu Shazamorodi. On the show today, relationship repair. We were just talking to clinical psychologist and parenting expert Becky Kennedy, who also just goes by Dr. Becky to her millions of followers on social media. She was telling us about a moment when she felt like a bad parent herself. Let's go back to that moment. So my son is in his room. I'm in the kitchen. I finally caught myself from the abyss. And my son, if I don't repair, he has to explain the event to himself. He has to do that so he can get back to feeling safe. And so what happens when I go repair? First of all, I say, I yelled at you earlier. And that probably felt scary. So the first thing my son can say to himself is, I was right about that. And then I take responsibility, right? To never okay to yell and I'm really working on managing my feelings so they don't come out in that way. And then what my kid can say to themselves, it's not my fault when people around me act out, right? That is not a reflection of my worth or my goodness. That is a reflection of a struggle they are having. And that matters. That really matters. Town the line. A 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact. I've replaced my child's story of self-blame with a story of self-trust and safety and connection. I mean, what a massive upgrade. What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood? My adult child won't spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake and won't take on blame for someone else's mistake. My adult child will know how to take responsibility for their behavior because you've modeled how to take responsibility for yours. Preparing with a child today sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns. Plus, it gets better. Now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful. I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place, which is how kids actually change their behavior. Okay, so you're not going to let it slide because your son was quite rude, ungrateful for dinner. So, after you acknowledge your role with the yelling, how do you go back and correct that behavior? It's like, okay, but he did say this thing to you. It's just okay. It's not that it's just okay. As adults, anyone, you can only take responsibility for your own behavior. When you do, you actually make room for someone else to take responsibility for theirs. There are many times I repair with my kids and they will say, yeah, I could have said that in a different way. Not right in the moment, but a few minutes later. It really does happen. Let's say it doesn't because I'm a pragmatist. Sometimes it doesn't. Let's be real. So I always tell parents, wait 24 hours after you repair. You could say something like this to your kid. Hey, you know what I'm thinking about? Sometimes when I make dinner, you're going to like it and sometimes you're not. There's just so many ways you can tell someone that you're not loving the food you have. And I just know we can think of better ways than disgusting. I wonder if you can even think of another way you can say that. I actually did say that to my son and he literally sent me to my face because could I say not my favorite? Oh, I was like, you know, yeah, good one totally. Or maybe it's a different situation where I say, look, you know, yesterday, maybe internally, I know I apologize for freaking out of my kids in the morning and then 24 hours later, I say, you know, I'm thinking about mornings. They've just been chaotic and like I'm working on staying calm. But I'm also just thinking you and I are really on the same team here. Yeah. I'm both want mornings to be smoother. Why is that reframing important? Yes. So what I would say, like, there's two ways of talking to anybody when you're in conflict. You're either on one side of the table and you're looking at them as the problem or we're on the same side of the table and together we are gazing at the other side of the table at the problem. It's either me against you, you're the problem or me and you against a problem. And until we're in the second framework, we should literally never talk to anybody about any conflict. So when I say to my son, let's say, hey, I'm sure you don't want the mornings to feel like that either. Let's come up with some ideas that can make the mornings a little smoother and probably more fun. And then I'll have a set and we can brainstorm. Let's play this song or I make a visual shirt or, you know, we have a little race in the morning, right? And then now instead of saying to my kid, you know, listen, if you just put your shoes on, you wouldn't get yelled at. I have repaired, which means I've set the stage for my kid to have confidence and positive self-talk and not engage in self-blame and self-doubt, plus in a very practical way. We are literally now able to make the mornings better because we've reconnected like everybody wins. You're talking about being very vulnerable as a parent in front of your child, which to me, I'm Gen X and I just feel like parents weren't like that, you know, why do you do it? Because I'm the parent, I'm the dad. I say so. There wasn't this vulnerability of saying I'm having a bad day or I shouldn't have responded that way. They just, nobody talked that way. So it felt like, and I think you're introducing a whole different vernacular when it comes to relationships between parents and their kids. Yeah, you know, and so I have a couple of reactions to that, you know, so one, anytime we do something new, especially cycle-breaking, you know, like I'm the first person to talk about feelings in my family, it feels deeply uncomfortable. And I think we all misinterpret discomfort as a sign that we're doing something wrong. And really it's a sign that we're doing something new. So that's one thing. But the other thing that interesting my reaction to hearing you say vulnerable when you're like hearing a parent say to a kid like, hey, I was having a hard time or I'm sorry for yelling. It feels to me, I guess the word vulnerable doesn't come to mind as much as it's going to sound so simple, but it's just true. I feel like it's just stating what's true, you know, and we don't tell the truth all the time. We avoid the truth or we say some version that's really we don't even believe inside of ourselves. There's a million ways to tell the truth. I'm certainly not saying, hey, I'm sorry, I yelled at you to my six-year-old son and then saying, like, let me tell you the story of my childhood and all my triggers. Like, I'm not trying to say that. But sharing a version of the truth that allows us to speak in a way or act in a way that feels in line with what, like, feels right inside of us. I think that's what has caught fire to parents. That's what makes people say, you're saying things that, like, I inherently always felt, like it's always felt like this. I just maybe didn't have the exact tools or script or strategy to live it with my kids or in my life, but it feels true and it feels right. So here's the point where you might have a lingering concern. You're thinking, you know, I have a feeling my kids older than your kid. I think it's too late. Or I've done a lot worse than you did in the kitchen. Maybe it's too late. Well, I mean this. If you have only one takeaway from this talk, please let this be it. It is not too late. It is never too late. How do I know? Well, imagine right after this, you get a call from one of your parents. And if neither of your parents are alive, imagine finding an opening a letter you hadn't seen till that moment. Okay, walk through this with me. Here's the call. Hi, I was listening to this podcast and, you know, it made me think that where there were probably a bunch of moments in your childhood that felt bad to you. And you were right to feel that way. And those moments were way more about me and something I was struggling with than anything about you. And I don't know exactly where we go from here. And I don't expect this to take away all the conflict we've had. But if you ever want to talk to me about any of those moments, I will listen. I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I won't listen to proof or refute. I'll listen to understand. I love you. I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction to that exercise. I often hear, why am I crying? Or listen, that wouldn't change everything. But it might change somethings. So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you, imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child. See? I told you. It's never too late. That's Becky Kennedy. She's a clinical psychologist and the founder of Good Inside, a book and website for parents. You can see her full talk at TED.com. So the parent-child relationship is a pretty common one. But the next is universal and far more nebulous. It's our relationship with death. Absolutely. I think our relationship to death is rotten at its core. This is a Lua Arthur. I think it's fear at the root. We fear the unknown, not knowing what happens after we die, not knowing why we're here, not knowing why we die, not knowing why life, why depression, why heartache. Often people fear the process of dying. They fear being in pain or being uncomfortable. We fear suffering. And I think also the fear of not being the center of the story anymore is very disquieting. It's uncomfortable. It makes us feel really small and powerless. And that's not nice to think about. Aelua is a death doula. She provides non-medical support for people at the end of their lives and for their friends and families, which can mean anything from counseling to legal advice. 100% not the kind of job that Aelua can just mention to people casually. Either they say they wish that they knew that we existed when somebody in their life died, their mother, father, brother, sister, somebody, or they start telling me about their ideas and theories about the afterlife because they think I might know somehow. Or most often it's duh. Like a birth doula? And I'm like, yes, but for the other side. And they say, oh, when I watch the eyes pop open. Aelua can give the impression that she's always been a death doula, that it's something she was called to early in life. But... That wasn't always the case. I came to this work by serendipity, by circumstance, but mostly by necessity. Here's Aelua Arthur on the TED stage. A little over 10 years ago, I was practicing law at the Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles and I grew depressed. Not like a, oh my god, I'm so depressed, but like for real depressed, like can't get out of bed depressed. Can't shower depressed. Can't find hope. Can't find a smile, but can't really find joy type of depressed. I took a medical leave of absence where I went to Cuba. And I met a woman there, a fellow traveler on the bus who had a uterine cancer. We spent the 14 hour bus ride talking about her life and also her death. And it was a highly illuminating conversation. I heard first-hand how hard it was for her to even be able to talk about her fears around mortality in her disease because people censored their own discomfort with mortality rather than make space for her. I took the invitation, however, to think about my mortality and looked at my life from the perspective of my death for the very first time and it was grim. I did not like what I saw. I noticed then that I had to live life on my own terms because I was the only one who was going to have to contend with all the choices that I'd made at my death. So you had what sounds like really a life-changing conversation with this woman. It made you think about your own mortality in a way that you had never before. And then something awful happened. Not long after that bus trip, six months later, my brother-in-law was diagnosed with stage for a broken lymphoma. But I also believed that he would get better because I couldn't imagine a world where he wouldn't. It seemed impossible that Peter would die. He was young. He was otherwise healthy. He was a dad. He was one of my close friends. There was no way. His sister's husband, no way. Of course he's going to live. That's just how it goes. And then four months into his treatment, I do remember distinctly the moment that I found out that they weren't going to be able to cure him. So I moved out to New York where he and my sister and my niece were and supported him through the end of his life along with everybody else, his community that was there. And during that time was where I felt a strong need for the work that I currently do, but couldn't find anybody, couldn't identify a person who could do the job that I needed them to do. So, but you learned a lot in terms of what people need during those tough months. I did. Most importantly, I think I learned how isolating it is. And there were people that we could really talk to about what was happening. Professionally, at least, it was like, where do we lay all these cares down? Who can be there? Who can hold my grief and my anger and my frustration and all of my questions? God, we talked to my niece who's for about dying. What would we supposed to say? How do I bring up that he needs to update his will or what he wants them with his body? Or what's the right time to start talking to his parents about the fact that he doesn't want to be buried or might not want the Catholic burial that they want for him? You know what I mean? So many questions. So how did you decide that that person that your family needed, but couldn't find? How did you figure out that that could be you for other people that you wanted to be a death doula? Well, after his death, I went to an intro course on the work of a death midwife is what it was called. And that was the first time I heard a term that felt like it couldn't come up with what I was looking for. And I swear, I left an intro session crying and dancing and laughing and scared. It's terrified, but being like, I think this might be something and it was something. It is something. The thing for you. It's my something. This is one a Lua Dove deep into death care. She took classes, read books, met professionals, and she quickly found that the image many people have of what happens when someone dies. It's just not true. For example, funerals. I thought when somebody dies, they come to take the body away. And then the next time you see it, it's laying in a casket with a dark cross at its chest. The body has been embalmed, pumped full of preservatives. And they look kind of gray and not at all like themselves, but that's supposed to be them. Stories are shared. Religious texts are read. There's a service that is often very stiff, and then they bury them and then they put a head still on it, and then that's it. I mean, it's what we've seen in basically every movie or TV show. Exactly. It turns out that's not it. You can keep bodies at home after somebody dies. They can be cared for at home. You can invite people over to the house. You can decorate caskets. You can wash bodies yourself. You can care for bodies in the way that feels best for you. A Lua, since she was a lawyer, also wanted answers to some of the more practical questions. Like, what do you do with someone's car after they've died? It turns out it's an entire process that you don't want to do when you're not grieving, let alone when you are grieving. It's just such a pain in the butt. You got to know people in death adjacent fields, like estate planning attorneys, life insurance agents. I met with some EMTs. I sat with hospice nurses. I took a job at a hospice. But wait, this is well way and beyond the initial course you took, right? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. This is me just being hungry and nosy. And I wanted to get closer to the mystery and found that every step that I took opened up more mysteries, and that titillated me. Have excited me. In a minute, a Lua Arthur shares how one client on the verge of death learn to enjoy the simplest pleasures of life. On the show today, relationship repair. I'm Enouche Zamorodi, and you're listening to the Ted Radio Hour from NPR. We'll be right back. It's the Ted Radio Hour from NPR. I'm Enouche Zamorodi. On the show today, relationship repair. And we were just talking to death doula, a Lua Arthur, about how we all need to mend our own relationship with the inevitable. I sit deep in the trench with folks as they prepare for death. There's no fixing or saving anything because there's no fixing or saving grief or death. It just is. I meet people where they are at. My goal is to help them answer the question, what must I do to be at peace with myself so that I may live presently and digressfully holding both at the same time? I used to think dying people had it off a good act though. I used to think that they'd lay there with their hands like this because we all know this is like universal dying person pose. They lay there with their hands like this and they'll be a little glimmer in their eye. They'll be like, oh yes, finally it all makes sense. Turns out it's not like that at all. It doesn't look like that. Hollywood is lied to us. You know that already, right? Cinderella was unconscionable, but this is just fligrant. It's not like that at all. It's way too much work to be doing while you're dying. So it doesn't look like that. There's no secret. There's nothing magically you'll find out then. This is it. There's nothing to figure out. No big secret at all. Many of my clients also reach the end of their lives wishing that they had more time. But I'm always curious, more time for what? What else would they do with the time that they had? It's rarely to go see Machu Picchu, okay? I'll tell you that. In your talk, you tell a story about a client who you feel kind of represents a lot of the struggles that you often see people facing. Do you mind sharing that now? Yeah. Yeah. This client, when she came to me, she had practically everything else checked off the list. She had her end of life plan complete. She just was looking for anything else that she needed to do. And what became clear was that she was still trying to figure out what her time on Earth had been for. She'd had a great career. She'd had children. A big thing that came up during the conversation was a bit of a judgment of herself that her children hadn't been the center for life and that they weren't everything for her. She thought that her purpose somehow she'd been wrapped up in her kids and for her wasn't so that caused a lot of confusion. And she felt as a bit of an outsider to a lot of mothers that she knew. But when it came right down to it, she became clear that her purpose wasn't wrapped up in her children or her work at all. But the fact that she was alive, that she had a chance to be here for the time that she was here and to engage with food and other humans and laughter and sunshine, which was, I remember chatting about this with my therapist who was like, I'll bet a lot of people don't ever say that they don't think that they're kids of the purpose of their lives. And I thought, oh, that is so controversial. So juicy, so salacious. We can't say things like that. I can't even think it. Can't think it. But for many, I think it's the truth. And we deny it until we're laying on the deathbed and we're thinking, wow, did I wrap myself all up in something that was not true for me. While she was healthy, it was about the next career milestone of what's happening with the kids next or the next trip. When she was sick, more of the same, next doctor's appointment, next scan, next medication. It was always out there. She was always always looking out there. But death was coming to her, remind her that she had no more out there, that it was always only right here where there is nothing at all to do, but simply to be. She zoomed out on her life to look at what she enjoyed to see where she plays the value because from there we can figure out where we play meaning. It was about the little things. Her hands in the soil, her garden, building a fire, reading books, and food. She loved to eat, but she had died at most of her adult life. That sounded all familiar to anybody. Okay, if it does, this is for you. Okay, if you take nothing away here, this. You are going to die, so please eat the cake. Eat the cake, order the dessert, eat the french fries, eat the brownies, eat everything you want to, just eat it because you're going to die. One day you won't be able to anymore. At this point in her disease process, chemotherapy had ravaged her taste buds, so she had to rely on her sense of smell to get pleasure out of eating. And she ate. She did it as much as she could because she knew she wouldn't be able to for much longer. She ate as much as cancer would allow, and when her body could no longer process food, we placed her favorite passion fruit souffle right on her lip, and she would lick it and smile. She lived more in the last eight months of her life with the help of hospice than she had before. She was finally present at home in her body, delighting in the richness of the sensory experience we have by virtue of these fantastical bodies that we will die in. These bodies that we will die in. Are you actually there with the person and the family when they die? It depends on what the client wants for themselves. Sometimes they want somebody there, sometimes the circle of support really needs somebody there. But at the baseline, I trust my clients and their innate capacity to die and the people that care for them in their capacity to care for their dying. And so I'm there when somebody requests it. But aside from that, I'll just sleep with a ringer on in case they need me. And most of the time they just need a question answered like, is this okay or heartbreakingly one mother called once and asked if it was okay if she got into bed with her daughter who I think was in her 40s who was dying. And of course the answer is yes, hold her. You know, this is going to be the last time holder, holder. You know, I just hesitated when I asked you that question. I was going to say how many people have you been with who have passed on? And then I was like, no, just say it. Say the word. Say the died. Yes, Manish. It's hard. It's so hard. Why? It's so hard. It's so, I mean, they're just not too. It's a thing. You live, you get born and then you die. Just like that. In fact, yes, it's a fact. We've been on a bit of a quest in my family to reclaim the word. And then the other day, my daughter and I were talking about composting and I just came out and said it. I was like, this is what I want you to do with my body when I die. And she looked so shocked at me. And I was like, am I hurting her psychically? Is she going to be talking about this moment with her therapist 20 years from now? Or am I just starting to open a conversation that we should all be having? And I'm not sure. I'm still not sure. What do you think? How old is she? She's 13. Okay. Well, I think that, well, first of all, A plus for your daughter for saying something. Thank you. No, I don't think that that's going to be a moment that she's going to have to talk about in therapy later. Although I don't know your daughter's constitution, but I think that it's important. I think that when we hide how we feel about deaf and dying from children, it reinforces death phobia and it further pushes it into the closet. I'd suggest that you also spend some time talking to her generally about her thoughts about death and dying, have grandparents died. Did we make space for grief? Who in her life has died? You know, let's open the conversation to make space for death overall. I mean, this sounds like something all of us have to do. Let's say you're not quite ready to commit to taking a course or you're not at the point where you need to hire someone like you or you can't hire someone like you. What can we do? There's so much we can do. Building a relationship with death is a lifelong process. We just created a new practice where every day you get a question, which is based on a lot of the questions that I notice I use when people are dying as I support them and reconciling their lives, their legacy, their loves, their relationships with their bodies and themselves and the people in their lives, etc. It's like when do you feel most at home in your body? Because that's something we want to cultivate as people are dying because dying is a process of coming home into the body. My favorite question, what must I do to be at peace with myself so that I may live presently and die gracefully? It's like the most delightful experience of the senses. To see if we can cultivate more of that, we talk about aging a bit, but we're not hitting anybody over the head with death. Let's take it easy. Let's ease into the warm bath and see what that feels like and learn a lot about themselves in the process. So if we had to sum up one idea for folks listening about how to change their relationship to death, it sounds like you would say, think about it, allow yourself to think about it. And you're safe to think about it. And if you need some additional support, holler at a death doula. That's Alua Arthur. She's a death doula and founder of Going With Grace, a company that provides end of life planning, training and support. You can see her full talk at TED.com. On the show today, relationship repair. And we wanted to make sure we included a look at a relationship that's been in trouble for a while now, and that needs urgent fixing. It's our relationship with our planet. Now before you think, oh, another climate doom story. This next speaker believes that pairing indigenous people with lands that need protecting is one easy and proven way to start. Valerie Katoa is director of the indigenous leadership initiative. Here she is on the TED stage in 2022. Quay, I'm from the inner community of Mistouliots located in Pequagami in the heart of what is now known as Quebec. I'm here with you tonight to leave you with hope. We need it now more than ever. Our home, our shared beautiful mother, our planet is experiencing ecological turmoil. We humans are transforming it to a point where we are risking the survival of millions of species. I've seen firsthand the devastating impact of climate change in the loss of biodiversity in my homeland of Nutsinan and all across what is now known as Canada. But I've also seen something else, something that gives me hope. It's not a technology from a lab. It's not a policy made in Ottawa or DC. It is the fundamental understanding that is expressed by our elders and knowledge keepers this way. If we take care of the land, the land takes care of us. This is about a relationship, a mutual love story. It's not an accident that 80% of the world's remaining biodiversity are located on lands managed and loved by indigenous peoples. We have been in relationships with the plants and animals of our territories and waters for millennia. Surely, we have values, insights, strategies and knowledge to offer to the rest of the global community with respect to how to be a part of and care for our environment. This knowledge is essential right now. It can help people and the land heal from ecological crises and colonization. It can help restore the planet and it can help save a saw. What does it look like? It looks like indigenous guardians. So you've heard of the guardians of the galaxy? Well, these guardians are doing a much more important job right here on Earth just without the soundtrack. Guardians are trained experts who work on behalf of their indigenous nations. The monitor water quality, care for indigenous protected and conserved areas, conduct research on climate impacts and help restore species like caribou, salmon and mousse. Their work is rooted in indigenous and western sciences and their training includes everything from GIS mapping to spending time with elders and knowledge keepers. We need this now more than ever. And again, I've heard people say that being a guardian has changed their lives. I think of the young Jericho, a young man from the Tall Tand First Nation and what is now known as British Columbia. Jericho used to be a heavy equipment operator working on job sites far from his community. He faced racism from non-indigenous peoples and unfortunately he struggled with addictions. So when a job opened up with the Tall Tand Wildlife Guardians, he decided to take it. He said, being a guardian helped get me through the tough times in my life. Being connected to the land and talking with elders helped me overcome my addictions. And at the end of the day, I could walk away with the pride of being First Nations. As a person who's been a witness to and felt the intergenerational trauma from the colonial experience, I've found no better strategy to healing than nurturing our relationship with our place. The land heals and I wish that experience for anyone who is experienced and lives with trauma. Researchers have documented the impacts of guardian programs. People's health improves on the land because they're on the land, because they're physically active and because they're happy. And guardianship isn't just good for guardians. It's good for everyone because the land is taking care of guardians and guardians are taking care of the land. Many work in the Borrel Forest which stretches from Alaska to Newfoundland. It is one of the largest intact forests left on the planet. When guardians on the ground will help us sustain so many species like caribou, salmon, mousse, wolverine, links, songbirds, medicinal plants and countless other species, species that are unfortunately threatened in much of the rest of the world. The Cascadena in northern British Columbia are planning to create a protected area the size of Switzerland. And in northern Menitoba, four dennaing creanations are coming together to protect the seal river watershed. It will be nearly five times the size of Yellowstone National Park. Now, protected area in the seal river watershed I mentioned, it holds 1.7 billion tons of carbon, equivalent to eight years worth of greenhouse gas emissions in Canada alone. Protecting the watershed will help keep that carbon in place. These are the kind of lands that guardians are caring for. This Gloria Enzo and the Hottne denne guardian from the Northwest Territories says, we are sustaining our traditional territories not only for us, but for the whole world. By honoring and respecting indigenous led approaches to the land, we can create a better future for all. In fact, I'd like to ask you to join indigenous peoples. There is so much that we can do together. Specifically, study the history of indigenous nations with traditional territories in the places where you live and work. Create space for indigenous voices and uplift them. Hold up our communities and respect our knowledge systems. Make sure that you are using your political voices and voting for leaders who support this vision because indigenous guardians can ensure that we all have the future on this planet that we deserve and want, so that we can all continue to have an evolving love story with our lands, with our waters that we call home. If we take care of the land, the land will take care of us. Valerie Katoa is director of the indigenous leadership initiative. You can see her full talk at TED.com. Thank you so much for listening to our episode Relationship Repair. It was produced by Matthew Cloutier, James De La Housie and Herschenejada. It was edited by Sanna's Meschkinpur and me. Our production staff at NPR also includes Rachel Faulkner White, Katie Montellone, Fiona Girin and Chloe Weiner. Our audio engineers were Gileemune, Ted Meabang, and Robert Rodriguez. Our scene music was written by Romteen Arablui. Our partners at TED are Chris Anderson, Michelle Quint, Alejandra Salazar and Danielle Balorezo. I'm Manouche Zamorodi and you've been listening to the TED Radio Hour from NPR.