Ask, Tell, Confess: Husband Drama & Who Porked Granny

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It was Anna Nicole's. I don't like referring to him like that. It was Larry Burkhead who is the father of Anna Nicole's baby. and man i think he talked he dropped so much tea i don't know it was crazy it was a really beautiful i feel so blessed that he trusted me with his story like that and we got to meet danny lynn i feel like i was in on a secret what a sweet little nugget i wanted to take her with us i'm like i love her and she's our style she's like like a little goth girl i love her haircut top tier love what do they call that they call it something it's like a little pixie cut it's yeah but it's called something because it has those sides i forget what it's called she's so cute though she's very whimsical she is very whimsical that is a great way to describe her she's definitely from another um timeline i was jealous of her outfit yeah super i know The minute she walked in, I said, I like that. Yeah. No, she's so cute. All right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have been, we've got a show for you guys. Let me just tell you, we did two tour rehearsals and I'm actually kind of excited. I was not looking forward to it. I'm not exact. There's two shows that I'm a little worried about. i'm not gonna say it but we have the guests that we have lined up if they all show up clutching my pearls like holy shit i can't even believe we got some of these people to sign up it's like a mini concert so by the time this comes out new york will have already happened because this is next friday yeah so we will have already done new york by the time everyone's getting to listen to this i know and the book would have been and the book is out baby stripped down unapologetic baby yeah people have it already so it's in a bookstore locally here wow yeah that's crazy that was in our chat earlier that's one of someone from the office at wme saw it in a thing well it's like they all kind of roll out around the drop date so yeah some people are already reading your story right now how does that feel we should go down to a bookstore tomorrow and see if we can find one. I think it would be really cool if you went into the bookstore and like hand signed some of them. So it was like a surprise. I would love to. No, I want to do that. I planned on doing that. I just, yeah. I think that'd be so cool. It's like, we'll go to like a little mom and pop bookstore and like. What if someone's like, whose signature is this? I don't want this book. This book is used. I don't want it. Someone drew in this. If you guys haven't though, go out and please get your copy of Strip Down, Unfiltered, Unapologetic. I'm nervous. my buttholes puckered you guys are gonna really get to read my words in my life and good times let me tell you everybody keeps telling me wow you really didn't hold back and you said oh if you only knew I'm like actually they took out a lot of stuff but there might be a book too if this one does good enough maybe I'll write a part do all right who's gonna kick this off please don't ever do that with your eyebrows again. Don't ever do that with you. What? I know it wasn't me because I have Botox. I have me. Don't ever do that again. What'd you do? What'd she do? Bro. I had to look away for a moment. It was bad, dude. You have to wait till her face completely relaxes for her to do it again. She looked like Bert from Bert and Ernie, dude. It was like she made her eyebrows twerk. Like it was crazy. Like Nacho Libre? Bro, I don't know what she did. I don't know what she did but holy shit I need to see it I can function it see it Dude We all delirious All right. We're going to go back to Haley. Would you like to kick this off? Here, I'll go. Is this what you feel like when me and... Got it. Got it. Okay. I'm fucking sure. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. I get, I get how Mimi feels. My face hurts. Mimi feels. She like made eye contact with me too. That's what you can't make eye contact with her with her. No, she didn't hurt the eyebrow thing and made eye contact with me. She's like, hold on. I'm going to try to do it, but I have so much Botox on my face. She was like, you're not, why did it feel like it was moving so much? She did it. Bro, it's French. This is me moving mine. Hers went like up here though. I can't. This is why I will never have Botox. Bro. I didn't see this. You don't need it yet. I can't. Do the more. No, it's one of those things she has to be completely relaxed to do because it was. I fucking pass out. No, it was rough. All right, Haley, you go. Kick it off, baby. Go ahead. Okay. When I was 15, I made the rookie mistake of eating a huge bowl of high fiber cereal before a long train ride to see my boyfriend in another city. My stomach started sounding like a haunted house halfway there, but I thought I could power through. I could not. By the time we were on the bus to his house, I was sweating, clenching, and committing war crimes against my own intestines while blaming every suspicious noise on a random lady in front of us. About 20 steps from his front door, my body chose violence. Full disaster, no survivors. I told him to walk ahead because I'd bled through a tampon. Then performed emergency cleanup like a criminal on the run. once inside i destroyed his toilet using industrial blue paper towels that absolutely would not flush in my panic i stuffed the evidence into a literal hole in the wall like some kind of feral raccoon a week later i heard his mom screaming at his little brother for putting poop towels in the wall and he got grounded i said nothing i carry this guilt and a fear of fiber every time i travel I wish that was so bad I wish fiber had the same effect on me god I would eat a fucking fiber bowl every day why do you have a bowl in the bowl isn't that like bran flakes yeah I'm not sure like raisin bran my grandpa yeah my grandpa I love raisin bran my grandpa himself you know what no wonder I'm so regular is because that was his favorite cereal and every time I'd come home from school every day at school I'd have a bowl of fucking raisin bran great cereal had no clue raisin bran crunch god crunch I love Raisin Bran though Raisin Bran has so much fucking sugar in it though Really? Oh, ruined my life You know what my dad used to fucking make me eat all the time? As a child Picture you just want a scrumptious Freaking cereal And guess what my dad used to make me eat? Kicks? Grape nuts Excuse me, what is that? You've never heard of grape nuts? They're fire now that I'm older but they are the hardest, crunchiest little pebbles. It's like you're eating fucking rocks. You know, like it's the worst. I'm going to have to get, you know what? We're going to try grape nuts on the next Ask, I'll Confess. Absolutely. I would love to. You know, okay, this is completely random too, but another thing, I would come home from my grandparents' house and I would eat these little like chocolate like chews that my grandma had. I thought it was like just like a chocolate candy. I found out like years later, those were calcium chews and I would have like multiple a day when I would. Bitch, that's not good. Oh my God. Did they constipate you? Cause doesn't calcium constipate you? I don't know. Cause I also had raisins. The raisin brand is just flowing through. You are very regular. You have a very active poop shoot. So yeah, I'm good over here. Oh, all right. I'm next. This person said, sometimes I just want to honk at people. I'm not aggressive in any way, but ever since I started driving, I'll just get urges to honk. I won't unless it's necessary, like blowing a stop sign or turning in front of me too soon or like cutting me off. But sometimes I'll be thinking I want someone to fuck up so I can honk. I don't know. Did you write this? It's so buddy driven. It's crazy. I don't know why I just do it. In my two years of driving, I think I've only honked two four times though. It's a youngster. 18. Yeah. It sounds to me like they have, uh, you know how like you have acute aggression. Yes. So they're just so excited to be behind the wheel. I get it. I just want to fucking honk, you know? I get it. Bro, that was so you. I got honked at twice just driving over here. Bro, I got honked at two. Why was there so much fucking honking? It was pissing me off. Literally. I was like, why are we being honked at so much right now? Dude, isn't that, I didn't get honked at. Are we supposed to wait for everybody to fucking go down the road before we decide to make a left turn? Same. If you're going too fast, if you're going too fast, that's a you fucking problem, not me. Slow the fuck down. I'm turning left, you fucking douche. You know what I'm saying? Speed up at me. Yeah. And honk at me like I'm in fault. I got honked too. I thought, you know, okay, so you know what I learned when I first moved to fucking Tennessee is, you know, like when you're going through like those tunnels or whatever, you have to honk i used to get so mad one day jay was driving with him i was like why the fuck are they fucking honking i was so mad and he was like they do that to let you know that they're on the other side and i was like oh okay so is that maybe what they're doing no i think i i do think we just kind of pulled out in front of him i gave a dude ample amount of time and he fucking still honked at me yeah well fuck him that's what i'm saying maybe he was the one that wrote in listen listen honk your little heart away okay listen as long as you're not running people over fucking honk people in new york communicate with honks it's not even out of aggression they're literally letting you go like go ahead if you were to let someone wish i could do that but i feel like people nowadays get pissed i fully believe that you should honk if you're horny i wish there were different different types of horns like you know like i wish it was like a like i want to honk sometimes to say thank you, but it sounds like I'm being mean. I was like, thank you. How would a thank you horn sound? Like the little squeaky horns like, yeah, I get that. Yeah. All right. Go memes. It's nine o'clock at night and we're still filming. This one says when I was 19 we lived next door to an older lady Um she was in her late seventies I used to go over and help her mow and do her trash and pick up around the house because she was disabled and had to move around via wheelchair She wasn able to walk for very long, but one evening when I was helping her clean, she made a comment about how she missed having a man around the house and how thankful she was to have my help. That night during conversation about my love life, she stated that she hadn't had any physical touches in over 20 years and that all she had was a vibrator. We both laughed and I noticed her staring down at my bulge multiple times. I was wearing gym shorts and I knew instantly that she would probably never experience dick again in her lifetime so I outright offered her some. I said, well, I'm only next door. I can provide whatever you need whenever. That was enough for her. At first she was shy but eventually said to come back later that she would be ready. She called me over. She had to shave that old hairy bush. Yeah, everything showered for sure. She called me over around 11 p.m. I had a key to her door, so I walked right into her in the bedroom. She was already laying there fully naked. I was very young and fully bricked when I saw her. I got into her bed, wrapped her legs around my waist, and slowly slid it in. Okay. She was so tight, but opened up to me real quick. She was incredibly wet and shaking like a leaf. Oh, yeah. At first it started off like the Garth Brooks song where he talks about banging the old lady and then it turned into a straight up porn. Yep. They fucked for 45 minutes. That was one of the best sexual experiences of my life. Sadly, she passed away a year later. We only ever fucked that one night. She called the next day to tell me she slept like a baby with my load in her. I'm 29 and I still love fucking old women. The last part was what got me. First of all, shout out to Granny for getting her fucking rocks off before she passed away. We love that for her. You know, listen, we don't ever yuck anybody's yum. Exactly. So we appreciate the Dickon. Okay? We appreciate the Charles Dickon. Okay? It's a Christmas story. That's a Christmas story. What? what you know about charles dickens right isn't he the one moby dick no no oh charles dick i don't know did charles dickens write moby dick he might have but he also wrote a christmas story so anyways i was just saying we appreciate a great story like charles dickens you know it was an analogy i like it he came in her i can't get it i can't get over the fact that lasted for 45 minutes The fact that you said slid it in. That was crazy. You're welcome. No, the fact that he said she was tight but then opened up. He just had a loosen in. How old was he? My vagina hurts. Damn. 19 getting some granny fucking 70. That's wild. Do you think that's what it looked like? Chewed up, spit out? I mean, at that age, you have no estrogen left. No, I was going to say, no. I've heard the complete opposite, that your pussy lips fucking go, inside. That's what I'm saying. It's like, it's not this. My pussy lips disappeared after IVF. Prove it. Open it right now. You guys see my pussy all the time. Every time I'm fucking undressed. I haven't seen it in a minute. But they're back now. They're back now because I'm regulated with my hormones. But man, for a minute there, I had to like dig those motherfuckers out. So I was like, this is what they were talking about, man. It was rough. I had to use vaginal estrogen digging them out. Whoa. I just, I did just pop those suckers back out, stick them to the sides or something. Yeah. I wanted the meat hanging dude. And I had a labiaplasty. I insisted on having those little ahi tunas fucking flap. Those little yellow tails. Exactly. I said that. I think I was, we were having dinner with Andy the other night. He's like, would you like some? I said, I don't eat labia. And he said, Oh, that fucking sushi place was so fire. in LA. I don't want to tell anyone about it because it's like private. I can't even remember the name of it. Which one? The sushi place that we stopped at. Where we went after Star Search. Bro, that was literally the best sushi I've ever had. Phenomenal. I tried everything you ordered. It was so good. Alright, go ahead, you. I have a short one. I do too. Give it to him. My humor. Okay. Dicks and buttholes. Did someone poop? She already told the poop one. So So I was dating this guy or I was on a date with this guy and we went to the movies in the morning and we're the only ones in the theater. Hot. Hot. I already know what's going to happen. No, you don't. Oh, fuck. All right. Never mind. I was like, dude, I think I've been in a movie theater. I did too. Can't finish it. He stole 650 straw. Well, that's like a fucking turn. There weren't that many. 650 straws from the candy stand and connected them all during the film until it was long enough to reach the screen. We went out like two more times after that, but he started getting creepy, so I called it off. That's my favorite house tell confess I've ever read. What was the point? He just wanted to touch the screen? That's fucking hilarious. that's funny that is crazy olivia was doing that during breakfast the other day at our favorite breakfast spot she started stacking straws and then the waiter got in on it and started bringing her more so we had this ginormous straw by the end of breakfast that is funny yeah i missed that french toast god are we going there yeah with the apple yeah next week yeah we're going we're gone you're not invited i am leaving my husband i'm tired of uh i'm tired i didn't know you were going i'm leaving my husband i'm tired of working hard every day to build a home and a life for us while he sits at home and does nothing. We agreed he would be a stay at home father, but while he watches our baby and is great at that, he does nothing else. I still have to come home to cook and clean and hear his constant complaints of being hungry, our house being a mess and me always being tired Our budget is tight but we make do Well I make do He complains every day of not having luxuries and excess I expected to give him the shirt off my back while he never thinks of me as anything more than an afterthought Sorry I can afford to take you out on ribeye steaks three times a day but we are always fed The last straw for me was today. Yes, one of those sandwiches was for me. Why would you get two and I get none? Yes, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Same as it is every year. one of my favorite holidays and he didn't even care i'm done i no longer feel love i no longer feel anger i just want out of this just a whole lot of nothing when i look at him i hope you know the movie the tooth fairy with the rock in the like princess little outfit that's what it's giving i've never seen that movie but i don't know i'm kind of on the fence with this reference i'm kind of on the fence with my answer with this and it's like i can see both sides taking care of a child all fucking day long is exhausting. I, yes, women are made and groomed as children to keep their house tidy, take care of the kids, all that stuff. We can multitask. Men do not normally have that embedded in their brain. If you keep asking him to do these things and he doesn't do it I can see how that would be frustrating yeah but to expect all of that from a man is kind of heavy I don't I I get it she's the breadwinner she's out working and to come home to a fucking dirty house is the last thing I want to come home to also but at the same time your kid isn't in daycare and he is taking care of that child 24 7 so I mean maybe instead of looking at all the things he doesn't do, look at the one thing that he does right. And that's be a consistent parental figure in your parents and your kid's life. But Mimi, you're in this situation. How do you feel? I feel a little bit different about it. While I don't think she should expect everything to be done by him, because that is still a 50 50. Because if he was to go to work all day and she was to go to work all day, when you got home, it was a 50 50. So you almost have to see childcare as a 50 50. And so when you get home, you still have responsibilities. Like I'll work sometimes and then come home and be like, what am I making for dinner? Because I came home to a clean home. So with that, I feel like when people look at it is like, everything should be done because I'm working. That's wrong. But with the child around, there's still certain responsibilities that you can do with that child around, whether at any age, they still nap. Like you have that nap time do a few dishes yeah and so when she comes home maybe she does the laundry yeah so it's like now you have dishes and laundry done you've both contributed while he does his full-time job taking care of the child i think i'm put like i put my husband on such a pedestal because he's somehow he does it all right like he still works full-time from home he takes care of two kids and i built a farm that i make him take care of yeah yeah so it's like you know like i truly I have him on such a pedestal and I don't try to compare everyone to him, but like he's still, y'all still come home to a clean house. Yeah. That guy doesn't sound like a Jason. No, like Jason is such a guy that she's talking about as a typical dude. Correct. And I like, I don't know if you guys have ever studied like how women's brains and men's brains, how you said are made is like, if you ask a woman and a man, the same list to get done, men go from top to bottom and women actually, read that list and go well if i do this list in this certain order i'll get done sooner while men are like well no you told me to do the dishes so that's my first one but it's like but no you could have started down here and had the dishwasher running and no women are smarter well yeah we're just more organized because it's literally how our brains work brains are wired completely different yeah absolutely but i mean if you're i think if you're nitpicking him that bad maybe you guys shouldn't be together there's other issues because there's obviously other issues maybe he's done something to make you feel less important in his life or you know i mean and who the fuck celebrates valentine's day i don't my husband asked me to go to dinner at valentine's day and i was like why i like looked at him suspiciously because i was like we have never celebrated valentine's day you know i feel like love should be celebrated every day not just one day at the you know what i'm doing for valentine's day i'm literally fucking going to get a massage get my nails done and i'm sleeping the fuck in. I might even give my husband a rim job. You never know. Feeling a little froggy. But that's how I like to spend my Valentine's Day. Bye. What are you guys doing? Oh, is it bye? No, that was just crazy that you said rim job. Oh, I was like, bye. I was like, I landed the pod? Perfect. My timer's going off. Rim job it is. What are you guys doing for Valentine's Day? And then we'll get out of here. Oh, Jaime and Haley have plans together. Oh, now you know how I feel when you fucking bitches go and just do antiquing together or fucking go shopping together or go eat out together. I don't want to hear your fucking little sob story. Okay, good. Glad you know you see who the fucking common denominator is here. Okay, first of all, I go to Daddy's Dogs. It's a Valentine's dinner they do every year. Oh, I was there when they made the plans. what yeah i thought i was somebody said i remember i was around were you yeah whenever he messaged me to move the reservation because uh daddy's dogs i talked to them all the time i love them so i messaged him and he got that fixed and he was like if you want to come too you can i was like my brother's gonna be in town i mean yeah i was around when this conversation was being had so when it all started i asked her because i was like i booked it for me and brooke and i wasn't invited though there's that yeah but i took the last reservation booked it with brooke realized i couldn't go because we had rehearsals i tried to email wasn't working so i used the plug over there haley to be like hey i know he texts you all the time can you uh uh let him know that i'm looking to move my reservation and then in that he offered her to also come just throwing that in there there was literally two reservations left at 9 p.m tomorrow night and i was like i have my brother with me like I'll just bring my brother and then we all four are just gonna go. And you said you're gonna make a sign. I was like I'm gonna make a sign that says this is my brother but then I was like is that even more fucking weird? Oh you wouldn't go anyways. I wouldn't. It's fucking 9 o'clock at night. Oh really? Yeah I know how that goes. Hot dogs. Alright well I love you bitches. Happy fucking Valentine's Day fuckers we're out of here. Love you. Bye.