258: WEIRD Here To Help: Velour Jet Suit & The Special K's

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And when you are ready to launch, use offer code GILLSENTME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. This is a HeadGum Podcast. ladies and gentlemen that's right it's time again from omaha nebraska and glassville park Los Angeles. It's Weird Here to Help! With Steve Byrd and co-host Eric Edelstein. Steve! We're going to help some more people today. How you doing? Oh, Eric, I am just so great. It's Friday. I got the Friday vibes going. You know, I'm feeling very good, footloose and fancy free, ready for a wild, fun, mysterious weekend. It's cold. I'm in the tundra here. Oh, just stay in. Make yourself some cocoa, Big Daddy. Oh, there is going to be a lot. I'm going to be making a lot of things. And you know what? Cocoa is a good idea. I should treat myself. I love it. I'm making my own pecan milk. Steve, we talked about on the Patreon yesterday, but this is worthy, I think, of Maine. We talked that there's some changes in how they're setting up hotel rooms. Yeah. And they're about to do a massive remodel. and because they figured out they lose a lot of power and money, apparently, with a bathroom door. So the new hotels, they're going to eliminate the bathroom door, and we are taking a stand against any hotel that's doing that. Before I fall on my sword for the bathroom door in hotels across America, look, your concern is valid because, look, I want a bathroom door. You know, all the time you're sharing a hotel room. I'm sorry, we can't always have our own hotel room, people. Your wife needs a bathroom door. My wife needs a bathroom door. They do want the separation. The stuff I do in there, Steve, nobody needs to hear it. Nobody needs to be a part of it. Nobody needs that sensory overload. No, oh, no. In fact, you just describing it might have been too much sensory overload for me. It is, and I apologize. That's why we need you on this with us. We're reaching out to Marriott. JJ Marriott, are you listening? I'm a Hyatt Points member. I'm canceling my Hilton credit card. Ooh, that's big. Well, it is. It is. I believe that Hilton franchisees have a right to rent to whoever they want, Stephen. Eric, can I ask you a quick question about this? Please. Here's Eric's theory, basically, is that he thinks hotels are trying to save money by taking out the bathroom doors for an airflow, heating, cooling situation. This is a fact. First, they came from my bathtub, and I'm devastated. and I'm devastated because I like an Epsom salt bath. Yeah, you do. I check into a hotel, I get Epsom salts, and I pack some eucalyptus, Steve. I pack some essential oils. Hold on, where are you staying? Look, and it is a serious question. You and I, we equal 13 feet together, right? Yes. That's just good science. Yeah. That's math. It is. I have found, and look, I don't take a lot of baths in hotels simply for the fact that they appear way too small, and I feel like I get stuck and I wouldn't be able to get out. And I'd have to have some poor bellboy or bellwoman come to the room, and I'm like, excuse me, ma'am, miss, help me, sir. I'm stuck in the bathtub because I'm a large man. That's a real thing, and I'm having to do yoga positions to get out. I was just in the tiniest bathtub, but I just wanted to soak grandpa's legs. I've been walking in the snow. I've been running, literally running. And so I got Epsom salts, put it in there, And then I had to basically turn over, do like a downward dog pose, and then pull myself up using my Pilates upper body strength I do have now to get out of this tub. But it sucked. There's a grace and an art to a great hotel bath. The Mayo Hotel in Tulsa has one of the great baths in the world. I do worry sometimes about being stuck in a bathtub. But they figured out it just makes more sense for them financially to eliminate the bathtub. So most places you go, Chaco Hotel in Albuquerque, they have no bathtubs. It's a giant bummer. Now they've done the math, and they want to save money with energy and heating because I'm sure a lot of people like me, the second I get in there, I'm setting that AC to 60 degrees. Me too. I think I one time was in a cheap hotel and froze over. Oh, sure. It turned up so high that it was one of those wall units. It's not like, you know, that you, the big, like, white machine that's, like, attached to the wall in the window, I turned down so low that it started, like, leaking Freon, and I, like, had to move rooms. It was a whole ordeal. That's on them. You should be able to have a 60-degree hotel room without a problem. That's on them and their Freon. You have a lawsuit there. I'm like Letterman. I like the room cold, babe. No, I do, too. I do, too, man. We need it. We're big guys. Well, especially, I'm eating a lot of spicy food in a hotel room. Well, of course. Oh, man. I had to do two different. Well, this is the other thing is now, again, they use the environment as an excuse or COVID. I was going to ask. They won't do your sheets unless you ask, which meant twice during my trip, I had to call down to the front desk because I'd spilled dim sum sauce on my sheets. Now specifically, what's a humbling call? That's not a call I should have to make in a nice hotel. Eric, please clean my sheets. There's hoisting all over my. Thank you. All I want was some specificity of what sauce was. I mean, you can't just hoisting. there was chili oil then i'm working on people pleasing but i used towels as napkins then they were covered in chili oil and i spent probably half an hour trying to get the chili oil out of the towels and i'm like why am i spending a half hour of my life well i didn't want the judgment from the maid no i care deeply about what a maid thinks i tip well you have to tip well because we're not doing anything good to that room the did i ever tell you when two maids try to have an intervention on me what yeah oh yeah steve this was amazing so i went back to the hotel and there were two two maids kind of waiting for me right and one of them looked like she was about to cry oh god they said that they're praying they're saying that they're gonna pray for me and they wanted me to get help and i i was so confused i'm like is this is this a language thing i'm what i don't know what happened at that point i've been drinking like seven or eight years then i went in the hotel room now when i sleep at night i have to take magnesium yeah so i had that calm magnesium powder yeah oh boy and there was a pile of it it looked like a pile of yak it looked like belushi's final day it looked like the biggest pile of cocaine you've ever seen in your life and i already bonded with the major you know me i bonded with them i talked with them absolutely I'm in a good old time. You're famous for it. Well, anytime somebody cleans your hotel room, especially if there's dim sum sauce in the bed, that's five bucks. I'm in the middle of trying to convince my wife to let me get a skateboard because I want to prove to my friend that given six months, I can do a kickflip Ollie. So I'll let you know how that goes. Maybe on the next intro we can readdress that. Susie, if you're listening, no. The answer is no. She's like, I don't want to take care of you. I now have a financial partnership with your husband, Susie. The only way to fuck this up is to give this giant man very close to 50 a skateboard. My financial system is tied in with Steven. Do not let him get on a skateboard. We all know how this movie ends. Do not be a parody of yourself. I can't do an episode of this. There's no replacing you. I can't do it if you're in a coma where you have head damage. No, no skateboard, Steve. It could be interesting, though. No. I vote no. I'm voting no. We're going to put this to Jake and Garrett. The skateboard is officially now on hold for a vote. They absolutely will not like the skateboard idea either. Of course not, Steve. Eat your heart out, Tony Hawk. I'm coming for you, baby. Enjoy this episode, folks. And we're brought to you by Walden University. For over 50 years, Walden University has helped working adults turn ambition into action through flexible distance learning. Today, our mission is simple, provide access to education for professionals ready to level up and create real change. Walden is where the students go to get the W. They're big and small wins with 100 different degrees and certificates. It's never been easier for students to find a program that matches their goals. Graduate degrees in nursing, social work, counseling, and psychology, as well as undergraduate certificate programs. Walden empowers students with the skills and the confidence to get it done. They call it tempo learning because you're in control. So there's no weekly deadlines and no rigid schedules. It's just the flexibility towards your degree at your own pace. Like I said, if you have a little bit of time, Walden. That's why we work with them. Walden University set a course for change certified to operate by Chef. This episode has been brought to you by Wayfair. Wayfair is a place that has a bunch of different stuff to sell at discounted rates. I just bought one of those robot vacuums from them. I found it online and I found it on Wayfair for $200 cheaper. And I don't see a quality difference. And I'm really into robot vacuums. Truly, there's just so many options for your styles and for your needs. You can upgrade your space. There's visual tools too. so you could sort of walk yourself through like, hey, is this going to work? I got a bunch of stuff from Wayfair. I got a little thing at the end of the bed for extra blankets. I don't remember what you call it. 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So my personal website, garethrenals.com, Squarespace, my film, giveitupfilm.com, Squarespace, everything is Squarespace. They have it all. They just keep growing and getting better because they know they're dominating and they know they're the only place to go. So they keep offering everything. So go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code gillsentme to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Hello? Hello, friend. You are in the other realm with Weird Here to Help with Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein. Caller, what is the name you're going with and what is the location you're going with? Oh, my name's Michael. I'm from Connecticut. Michael, Connecticut. Love it. Love it. Famous for that pizza, everyone's saying. It's got the best pizza. Is that true, Michael? Oh, yeah. I just got some from the place. Now, y'all are coming from kind of a crispy, thin, like a little bit char on the bottom, if memory serves. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. If you're going down to New Haven, that's the name of the game. Got blood on the streets in the town of New Haven. Down on the streets in the town of New Haven. well that wasn't bad on my part actually no that's a pretty good your mojo's rising on Sunday Steve wow okay friend speaking of mojo Jim Morrison you're on a desert island you can only bring one book one album one movie what's it going to be ooh one of each and no thinking about Michael it's just rapid fire top of your head we want to know who you are by what you consume I'd say at least one of the Harry Potter books for an album. Oh, God. Don't even need to think about it. One of the Led Zeppelin ones. Hell yeah. I just saw Robert Plant, by the way. He was incredible. Oh, that's so cool. He still got it. He still hit those notes. For a movie, I'd do The Hangover. Okay. Awesome. Okay. Awesome. You're a fun-loving guy. What food are you going to bring? You can only have one meal this whole time. Is it going to be Connecticut Tavern-style pizza? Pasta. Pasta. Yeah, there you go. Okay. You can mix up the sauces. You are a man after my own heart. Oh, yeah. We like you already, friend. You don't get to bring all the sauces you want. Yeah, you can. You can find stuff on the island and cook because I'm in charge. This island is... There's garlic. There's cream sauce. There's cashew cream. There's pecan cream. Why would you not just want to be at the... That doesn't make any kind of sense. It makes every bit of sense. You can hang out with parents and cook sauce. We'll talk off the air about this. We'll talk off the air about this. And use that pasta water. Use that pasta water to make the beginnings of your sauce. I'll tell you what. They call that the tears of God in Italy. It is. It completely is. It changes everything. It's a binder, Steve. It emulsifies things We all know that It wonderful I made a result last night Come on So Michael we have a sense of you now and we already really like you I mean I just saw Robert Plant three weeks ago You mentioned Led Zeppelin Everyone go see Robert Plant on his tour. He's playing for the Turnstiles by Neil Young. Michael, what's going on? How can we help you today? I'm a New York Jets fan. Okay. Sorry. Which is a tough thing to be. It's a real tough thing. I want to do my part to help. And so I thought if I bought myself a velvet track suit and wore it when they played, then I could make like a lucky track suit. And it would like combat some of the universal bad juju they got going on. Yes. And it would keep my sanity. I think this is a great idea. How can we help you in terms of, are you looking for us to like help you say yes and feel good about this track suit? Talk to me. No, I need your guys' help with, I sent a couple photos in of tracksuits, but I'm more interested in how do I make the tracksuit lucky? Oh, boy, did you come to the right place, brother? We can embody that. Well, I mean, first, once you get the, okay, do we have pictures of the tracksuit? Yeah, I've got some options. I say you get a good one first off. Yep, yep. All right. Get a good one. Yeah. A little quality. Let's get a gander. Oh. Oh, hello. Okay, this is it. Michael, you're a man of quality. We got options. We got options. Oh, wow. Right there. Dude, and the velour. Yeah, I think the velour. I'm going to see. Oh, the Puma. Michael, what I like. So I recently got a track suit, and I just got the Amazon velour one, and it was horrible. It was full of microfibers. I think I probably took about six months off my life, whatever I was inhaling. What you have sent me are the incredible brands you want. You want Puma. You want Sergio Tacchini. You might even want to dip a toe in the Fila waters. Fila makes a great one. That Mr. Taylor, that's a little... Mr. Taylor, I'm out on Mr. Taylor. I'm out on Mr. Taylor unless you're like... That green doesn't even... See, now that looks... That's a great look. That's a great look. That's classic Jet colors. Okay, so here's... But look at the Sergio Tacchini. I mean, it's really nice. And that's such a classic one. However, I think we've got to move away from the pictures because the listeners just can't see what's happening. No, they want to see Steve Burke. Well, they can't see anything because most of them are listening. That's what I'm saying. Patreon. Tons of them are on that Patreon. Sure, sure, sure. Five bucks a month, it's a steal. It doesn't matter. People are listening. The majority are listening in their cars on the way to work right now. They can't see it. But, folks, okay, so, Michael, I think you've got some decisions to make. That's a personal choice. However, how can Eric and I help you make it lucky? Ho, ho, ho, ho, pal. I think he came to the right man. First off, I am going to recommend, do you have a relative, like an uncle or a cousin or a grandpa or a grandma, who you felt close to, who you have any relics from? Yes. Okay. I mean, I could dig something up, not like physically or like literally, but. Yeah. If you have an old brooch from Grandma Nancy or Uncle Chuck's saxophone reed, I would get that in the pocket, fasten it to that thing. Using that ancestor magic is really going to make that thing sing. It's going to make that trash too very powerful. Preferably if that person was also a Jets fan, right? That would be nice too. I will burn some sage. Yep. I will burn some Palo Santo. Absolutely. Let it waft all over that jumpsuit and say, get a nice wash on it. Oh, yeah. Don't half pass it. And then I would say while you're doing that, read a sacred text, which in this is clearly going to be Joe Namath's autobiography. Eric, that's great. You need to put on the Joe Namath episode of the Brady Bunch and read from Joe Namath's autobiography. He has some incredible passages about the passion of Matt Snell and that team. and like you need to embody that jumpsuit with the passion of the Jets when they were winning. Yeah, Eric, I think that's a brilliant idea. I think reading Joe Namath's passages, go through the book, pull out some really nice passages. However, along with that, I would sit down, take your tracksuit, put it in the most comfortable chair in front of the TV and have it watch Flash Gordon, the original Flash Gordon or the 1980s one where Queen did the soundtrack. because Flash Gordon, folks, he is obviously a fictional character. However, he was the quarterback of the New York Jets. Oh, that's it. That's it. And, Michael, you already said you were reading like Led Zeppelin, you like Harry Potter. Those are fantastical movies. Led Zeppelin, they practice the dark arts. So infusing a little bit of magic via Flash Gordon, I think would really kind of put the Jets in a great place for next season. And the other thing that I love putting on, you know, after Jess goes to bed, vintage NFL films with the voice of God, John Ficenza. He is the greatest. Those vintage NFL films things are art. I download the soundtracks because it's some of the most brilliant instrumental stuff. It's right up there with Angelo Bada Lamente in terms of symphonic scores. So, like, you're embodying this jet suit with a winning culture. Yeah, a winning culture. With a winning culture. And I just want to say this. When the jets start to turn it around, and I do think it's going to happen soon, we know and everyone listening knows it's because of you in this jumpsuit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're going to be seen as a hero. Throw on Top Gun. Throw on the volleyball scene in Top Gun. Those are jet fighter pilots. that's what you want you want playing with the boys kenny loggins energy in that jet in that jet suit i think that's a great we're calling it a jet suit where we could also get a bomber jacket like they have real cool at the army surplus they have like fighter pilot bomber jackets you can put that on as well and i mean those that's just a great look anyway it's it's cut short so i try to get a longer eric's always trying to help the military industrial complex never no i am not Do you have any rituals already around watching games? No, most of the time it's just trying to like sit down somewhere quiet away from everybody. Yeah, I get that. You're a real fan, yeah. I don't know, you know, like I also think like, you know, people are like, oh my God, I stained my favorite shirt. Sometimes I like stains because I like to remember delicious meals. Oh God. You know, like, I mean, stains are just, they tell the story. They're just like historical relics. so if you want to like maybe get some like buffalo sauce on that don't be afraid to have a little cheese and I would never wash this thing if you do it's obviously dry clean only I would not hand wash that thing wear it to a game that you think the Jets will win try to put in where it's not too cold or you can wear a parka over it but like look at that schedule we're winning this game I'm baptizing this jumpsuit with a win That's a great idea. Do I, when I'm having it watch Flash Gordon and Jets' greatest moments, I feel like I should be wearing it during that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. The voice of God, John Vincenzo, will embody that. Yeah. Name with hands off to Matt Snell. That's exactly right. And the Reaper defense conquers the Jets fly high again. You're getting all that energy. You are. That is seeping into the deep fibers, down to the atomic level. I mean, basically what we're doing is we're working with quantum physics here. Yeah. We're going down to the subatomic level, and we are observing matter do a different thing. So we are infusing. What we're trying to do is decrease randomness. We are performing a little bit of magic. We're trying to get randomness to not be so random and to work in your favor. And so imbuing this track suit with all the magic. Eric, you've had some amazing suggestions. I'm trying. It's the power of positivity. Let the past be the past. We don't need to dwell on the past. We're moving forward. We're starting a new regime change of positivity for the Jets. And it all starts with you getting this beautiful Velour track suit. I think you should take some of these suggestions, show up Flash Gordon, show up these old films, teach, like, let this track suit know that this team is a winner starting now, starting today. Big time. Big time. I got to break it in. What do you think about that, Michael? I got to break it in. Yeah, buddy. Well, first you've got to get it, and then you've got to get to know it, and you're going to introduce it to the wonderful film Flash Gordon, the 80s version, the 1980 version, with Queen did the soundtrack. Great movie. But if you've never seen it, you're going to be like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm just seeing this movie now. But your tracksuit is just going to be charged with magical Flash Gordon power. Okay. I'm going to – how about I'll wear it for the week, like the weekend? Yeah. I'll have Gordon going on in the background. Hell yeah. Going on for the entire weekend. And then I'll wear it for the draft maybe. That's what I'm saying. The draft. Maybe you'll get that kid from Indiana. Yeah. Like maybe this is the draft that changes everything and then hit some big picks in the second and third round. Oh. Get that offensive line to support him. I mean, you're sitting pretty in that situation. So, Michael, is there anything else you think we can help you with? Is there any other kind of suggestions you need, or do you think you're in a good place? And also, I have to say, we're going to really need some pictures of you in that new tracksuit, pal. Oh, yeah, I got you. I'll document the weekend. Yeah, model some pictures. And I'm hoping, Michael, we get an update from you next year. You're calling in after the Jets have won their 10th game, and you and I and Steve know that it's because of this tracksuit. Yeah. Yeah, I imagine. You turn the football team around You gotta visualize We live inside a dream Our collective subconscious is an amazing thing Start visualizing those Jets winning In that jumpsuit And I vote Sergio Takini Because you can wear that to formal events You can dress it up, dress it down That's a nice, nice thing You start wearing that on flights Cancel Christmas It's gonna be awesome You could be at Fashion Week at the Met Gala You could be in the Pyrenees Mountains of France I mean, like, that thing is going to play anywhere you go. Big time. Big time. And Sergio, we trust. Yeah, Michael, best of luck to you, pal. We look forward to hearing back from you, man. Go Jets! Thank you, guys. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money, too. 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And HelloFresh makes it easy to do more of it. This year with recipes that don't just feel good. They taste delicious night after night. Bring everyone together with meals that are simple and rewarding on a busy weeknight. Keep it simple. Keep it easy. Choose from more than 100 recipes every week, including cuisines from around the world. You could choose from 35 high-protein recipes each week, new Mediterranean and GLP-1 friendly recipes. Impress, guess, or treat yourself with new grass-fed steak rib eyes. Make meals with seasonal produce like pears, apples, asparagus. When you're done, you're surprised you did it. So go to HelloFresh.com slash here to help 10 FM to get 10 free meals. And a freeze willing knife, which is $144.99 value on your third box. Offer valid while supplies last. Free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan. Hello, caller. Welcome. You are here on Weird Here to Help with Eric and Steve Berg. What is your name or fake name? and where are you calling from or a fake place you're calling from? Hi, I'm Katie, and I am calling from Minnesota. Oh, we were just talking about Minnesota. Love Minnesota, the friendliest place on earth that I've found, truly the nicest people in the world. Where in Minnesota? Yes. Twin Cities. Oh, the Twin Cities, St. Paul and Minneapolis. Love it there so much. It is great. What a great music scene, The Replacements. Who's could do? You know, I want to ask you this, Katie. Well, yeah, of course. Second Avenue. Yeah, and Prince. I just got scolded by Eric. Katie. Thank you. Have you ever had a pasty? It's a traditional Scandinavian, like, kind of pocket thing. You know what I'm talking about? No. No? Okay. Well, they're supposed to be. Well, shit. All right. Thanks for calling. Bye-bye. Okay. Well, maybe you should try one because they're very famous in Minnesota. They even make a breakfast pasty, which I'm very curious about. So, Katie. tell us how Eric and I can help you friend. Yeah. So I started a new job in May at a pretty large company here in the Twin Cities. And, um, my boss's name is Kat. What do they have you doing at this company? Um, I am working for their in-house production team. So we create, um, a whole bunch of content for internal and external use. And so in the production field, but in corporate now. Okay, great. Great, great, great, great. You're creative. Yeah, so my boss, yes, yes. My boss's name is Kat. Obviously, I'm Katie. And then another person that we work with, her name is Kate. Oh, my gosh. And since we have, or since I started, we've also hired three other forms of Kate, Katie, or cats. Whoa, so much. Wow. So Kate and Kat and I work very closely together. And when I first started, they had already been there. So I was the third K. So naturally people would call us the So my question is how can we avoid people calling us that And what is a new nickname that we could have? Yeah, I think you're right. We don't want to really lean into the whole, hey, it's the KKK girls. That's making a comeback these days, but not in this office, not in Minnesota, not today. Not today. We're going to fight back. So there's three Ks. There's three Ks, yes. No good comes from that friend. Yeah, I think you got to hire a fourth or someone's got to get fired. So are you looking for fun nicknames because that would just keep it fun and light? Or are you literally looking for a better way to communicate? Because the opening gambit for me would be like, call everyone by their last names. Like a lot of teachers do that in an elementary school because they don't want to say. Yeah, but I feel like last names are like a dude thing. Like we have a lot of Ryans in our department as well, and we just go like last names with it. And that's such a dude thing to do. Okay, so you want to stay firmly in the female vibe with the name thing. Yeah. I like it. How about this? One of you three, you draw a straw. Someone's got to change the name to Dolores, and there's no looking back. You're just stuck with it. That actually is the – that's going to be my favorite version, and I think Dolores is the perfect name. So it's a fun bit where you have to change your work name. You draw a straw, and that person gets a free lunch because they're having to change their name in a good lunch. That's true. Like a nice Minneapolis steakhouse. I do recommend French Meadow. Yeah. Creamy spinach for the table. Oh, cheese sticks. Yeah. Sand dabs, dessert, drinks. But you are, for the rest of your time, Dolores. That is such a good option. I love it. However, we have some more time. So let's come up with some more. So your initial, what you were kind of wanting, it sounds like you wanted fun nicknames. Yes. Yeah. Okay, so let's break this down a little bit. So we're working with three versions of Katie, Catherine, whatever. Let's start with one. So the first candidate, what does she go by? Is it Cat? Cat, yep. And that's short for Catherine, I'm guessing. Catherine with a Y. Catherine with a Y. Ooh, that's very elegant. Ooh, wow. She must be from, she's high born. She's my boss, so we can't go, like, too crazy, okay? And we have to respect it's your boss, but Catherine with a lie, I mean, she's probably drinking tea with her pinky up, am I wrong? Yeah, highborn. I mean, she's Canadian, too. Oh, we love a Canadian highborn. But Minneapolis, Minnesotans are closest to Canadians, and I will say Canadians are more polite. Canadians are on their phone less. That's part of the magic of Minnesota is it's the Great North. Katie, usually nicknames come from, like, something someone did at a certain event that was funny. Like, oh, I spilled the tea. Now you're Spilly Joe or something like that. That's a terrible example. Spilly Joe is good. Don't you say that about my friend. It's not bad. So is there a personality? Usually they're derived from an event or a personality quirk. So starting with Kate, your boss, we have to tread lightly because it is the bus. But is there a quirk? True, they're going to have a better sense of humor. do they have a personality quirk that we could we could extract from that to give them a nickname i mean she is like i know people make fun of minnesotans because we have an accent or at least that's what they say right but her canadian accent like when she says sorry it's like sorry sorry sorry yes like really like really emphasizing the o's compared to minnesotans so we could come up with a famous like canadian like he called her trudeau or something like that that's not a great one but like you know like tina sarah neil young joanie mitchell yeah there's so many canadians so but like those are like two like yeah we're gonna call her joanie like that i feel i feel like it's gotta be like you know joanie who who was that legendary like mayor who like smoked crack rob ford boy was he a kid he was way ahead of his time rob ford would run the world these days. God, you and I will be auditioning for the movie someday. Oh, I'm ready. Rob, I have plenty to eat at home for videotapes of him smoking crack, but he would be like a mainstream politician now. Rob Ford would be like, you know, if we want a moderate voice, let's get the guy smoking crack that has plenty to eat at home. He's good. But I highly recommend it. It's a short little Netflix doc, but it was wild. I saw it too. It's great. And his brother now is one of the top Canadian politicians. No, I believe it. Doug was kind of the one behind the scenes running Rob because he's like, this guy's special. He's like the Jeb Bush to George. Absolutely. The one who should have been in power. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rob should have been in power. Didn't have the charisma of Rob, though. No, man. No. He looked great in a hockey jersey. So, I mean, you know, a nickname should be like usually one word. Easy to say. Like, so is there something that just like distills Canada down to a one word form? Can I ask one other question? Are you looking for a nickname for the whole group to replace Here Comes the KKK? Are you looking for individual nicknames for the three of you? Know what I mean? I think one as a group because that's usually how they refer to us as a group. And, you know, the KKK is just kind of, you know, pragmatic. We don't like that around here. You know what? I don't mean to be controversial and political. we're against the KKK here. Yeah. Okay, we are anti-KKK. They're making a little comeback. We're here to help us against it. The first one that jumps to me is what about Special K? Oh, I like that. A delicious cereal. And also, like, you hear, like, guys, who do we have on that? Special K is on it, and it's going to be good. The report is coming in next week for our internal. Special K, there's also, I'm huge in it. Also, it's also short for ketamine, which is a horse tranquilizer. Yeah. Steve, you ever dance with ketamine? No, no, no, no. I haven't either, but I've had friends that have had incredible experiences with it, and it's like a psychiatrist. I'm out. I'm out on that. I'm out. You find your own medicine, buddy. I don't like body disassociation. I'm not into that. No. Well, you feel like you're dead. Isn't that part of it? I think so. Okay, so if you want to steer away from the special... I'm with you, Steve. I love being in my body. I love me. I can't imagine a world without me in it. If we want to steer away from a drug reference, Special K, which is co-opted, a wonderful serial, there is a 90s rapper named Positive K. Oh. So I don't hate Positive K or just a very simple OK. Who's tackling that project? OK is on it. What about the OK these? There's something there. The OK Corral. That's a real big thing in history from Westerns, the OK Corral. For some reason, the Special K's really is hitting for me. The Special K's. Have you guys ever heard of a Special K bar? No. What is it? What is that? Oh, it's like, so it's like, I think people call them Scotch Roos in anywhere but Minnesota. But it's like a Special K cereal, like caramelized, and then you put a layer of chocolate over it, and that's a Special K bar. Oh, see, that already has a positive association of delicious treats. How have I lived 48 years without caramelized Special K? I need this in my life. Is there a Special K bar in Minneapolis? Well, I mean, it's kind of like, you know, your grandma makes it, and then you just like can't. Oh, I see. It's not a bar bar, an actual bar. It's not a dwelling. You thought there was like a bar. I was in. I'm like, this is a kind of bar. I don't do booze anymore. If I could go over and have caramelized Special K and shoot off my mouth and not have anybody correct me with their stupid phone. Yeah, two gin rickies and a Special K bar, please. Oh, my God. I will dance to the Shirley Temple. I'd be in. I would, too. Hold on. Did we just start an incredible business idea? I think so. I think so. Okay. I love this. I love this. So, I think we have a good candidate for a group name in the Special Ks. Pluralizing. I think that sounds nice. It's kind of your own spin on it. Now, do you want individual nicknames as well? I mean, people have. They're like, oh, we'll just start numbering you guys because there's so many. You're not a number. You're a human being. You're so much more than a number friend. You are. I don't like the number thing at all. I hate the number thing. No, that's so dumb. Yeah, Katie wanted Katie too. It's like, no, you don't have a number in your name, pal. No, no, no, no, no, no. What's the name of the person that wants to number you guys? Give me that name. Just throw it out. His name is Steve. His name is Steve. Oh, you know what? Steve's always up to no good. Also, Steve is, if you watch cinema and TV and theater, Steve is an ex-boyfriend name, by the way. Oh, wow. It is the name of every ex-boyfriend in every movie, I'm telling you right now. That's amazing. That's a lifelong Steve. None of us know this because we're not named Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got a lot of that around. Yeah, Steve, you've got to fight that back. You're like the ex-boyfriend that everyone loves. I think so, yeah. The parents are like, yeah, she's so much better than Steve. He was a little weird, and he took him that haunted tree. He was the one that he took him that haunted tree. This guy's boring. They're like, can we get rid of our daughter and have Steve? Yeah. The parents are hoping, what about Steve? Have you called him? What about Steve? We're reclaiming good boyfriend with Steve. Okay. But that Steve can go straight to hell, and that's ex-boyfriend in a Hallmark movie, Energy. Yeah, it is. It is. Yeah. So you want individualized nicknames. So let's start with your boss, Kate. Kate is obviously the head honcho, the woman in charge. Pat. So let's give a nickname. Okay. So let's give a nickname that kind of symbolizes that. And we don't have to stay with, honestly, we don't have to stay with a K word for the nickname. She has the purse strings. Okay, yeah. Caddy Money. Or Stacks, like Stacks of Cash. Oh, I don't hate Stacks at all. Yeah. Yeah, that's a power name. That is also. So much money. Katie, too. Shut up, Steve. Yeah. Not you, Berg. I have nothing to love. No, I know, I know. But look, yeah. But I like Stacks. Also, it still represents the strong K word. And then you can bring in the first. You're like, I asked Katie Stacks. She signed off on this. Absolutely. It's okay. Did Katie Stacks go through the budget? Yeah, she did. Yeah, yeah. She did. Yeah, she's always on time. Okay, so then describe the second Katie, and then we'll end with you. But what's the second Katie? What's her full name? What are we calling her? What's her vibe? So the second one is Kate, and she is also a Catherine with an I. And she's more of a production assistant, so she just kind of helps out, but she's like a utility knife. She knows everything and she can do anything and everything. Ooh, I like that. Swiss Army knife. I mean, K-Swiss. Oh, damn! Jesse! Oh, my God, Jesse, that's why you get the big bucks. This is why we love it. K-Swiss, because we're about to go Swiss Army knife of like S-A-K, sack. I love that. Nope, K-Swiss, boom. Oh, if Gareth heard that, he'd be so mad that Jesse just nailed that pun in a microsecond. Oh, my God. Jesse just did an otani blast 500 feet out this ballpark. Good God. K-Swiss, K-Stacks. You're sweating anyway, buddy. Good point. Good point. Yeah, you already were. You're schvitzing, Steve. I run hot. Me too, my poor wife. Need a fan. You and I run the same temperatures. No, that's why we share a room. Yeah. Hopefully it's better than the time we went to the Queen Mary. with Jake, but that room could be at 60 degrees. Oh, yeah. Well, don't let Eric plan your hotel visits because he booked us, me, Jake, and him. A shared room on the Queen Mary is literally the most uncomfortable night of sleep I've ever had in my life. It was my low moment. It was a low moment. Utter failure. He needed you. We wanted a double treat and Eric put us in like a 1920s stowaway room. Yeah, and poor Steve was curled up on this couch. We were all in like these tiny twin beds. and I will say I'm sure they've improved it since then the worst piece of fish I've had in my life which is ironic because we're sleeping in a boat I'm like you can't go wrong with a fish there was a puddle of water on the plate it was like clearly they just they just thawed it and just like gave it to us they thawed it put it on a George Foreman grill called it good yeah and it was and I'm not allowed to book hotels for the team anymore ever ever I deserve this I ain't running from it and now the most important nickname that we will have because it's you and you're a special buddy. Tell us about your personality a little bit and also your function at work. How do you think you're perceived at work? I want this technique to really sing. Yeah, I'm more of like a leader, but I'm also like a Swiss Army knife. I can do pretty much anything we have in our studios. But I'm mainly a producer, so I like to call the shots and all that stuff. Okay, you're a producer. You're a little bossy. Well, you've got to be. That's okay. Yeah, you have to be. Someone has to keep the ship moving. Natalie just texted me, cat attack. Cat attack. She's willing to give up her nickname. She's willing to share her nickname. Are you kidding? I would be honored to share it with Nat Attack. Are you kidding? I think you're such a cat attack. Yeah. Yeah. Because cat attacks do one thing, they win. And then you could also, you know, your friends could all say, like doobity do the cat attack you wanna know by now cat attack is truly top tier natalie yeah you saved us again yeah i i don't know that i'm feeling pretty good but we got k-swift we got cat attack uh what was the other one again i've already forgot short term memory i love stacks stacks is like it's a pretty i mean it's incredible stacks is good Now, how are you going to pitch these nicknames to the ladies? Well, I think Special K will be easy to implement. I think you should be called, by the way, I think you should be called the Special Ks. Yeah, the Special Ks. Pluralize it. Yeah, yeah, so good. That'll be easy to implement, yeah. Yeah. As far as the other ones, I'm thinking I'm just going to, once we get back from our Christmas break, I'm going to just, you know, start using it in my language to them. Yep. Yep. That's the way they catch on. Yep. Yeah. And maybe, um, recruit the Ryan's into this and then have them start calling them by that as well. Right. And then we'll just see what happens from there. I hate saying that you're probably going to have to recruit Steve. Yeah. Yeah. Just to be like, dude, I'll send him the link to this episode and he'll be. Send in that link to be like, dude, we didn't want to talk to HR, but what you're doing is misogynistic and you can't just lump in women with numbers. Susan B Anthony didn die for you to do that and just give us numbers And if it comes to it you can have I could I could as a lifelong Steve I can lecture him in proper Steve etiquette. Yeah. But you're probably going to need to bring him on board, make it seem like it's kind of his idea as well. But like, we're going to midwife this. He's the big, big boss. So he's going to need to think. Nevermind. I take it all back. Kiss his ass. make it seem like it's his idea get that bonus don't talk about HR just be like we loved so much the idea of Katie 1, 2, and 3 but logistically and synergistically we thought this might be a little better Steve if you're good with it and if you need some kind of corporate retreat entertainment Eric and I work at a reasonable rate a group rate we'd be happy to flash to Jamaica or wherever the next getaway is with the team and entertain you guys Dude, I will go to Minneapolis. I'm dying. If I have two nickels to scratch the other, I'll go to French Meadow. I'll go to Second Avenue. I will go to Mill City Sound, one of the greatest record stores in the world, Steve. Have you been to Mill City, friend? Yes, I have. In Hopkins. It's so good. No, it's the event. People want to say and they want to sound cool like Electric Fetus. It's good. Mill City Sound is the one. Greatest jazz section, I think, in the country. Yep, it's so good. Oh, I love it. I love you know Mill City. You're our people, friend. Now, would you be willing to call back in and let us know how these new nicknames and the special K's, how everyone's feeling about this? I have a feeling everyone's going to feel empowered. I'd love a group call. If we could talk to the special K's and even mix in Steve there, we'll kiss Steve's ass. We're so good at that. That's what we do. And we'll let Steve promote the company. No, no. We know how to wind up Steve and let him go. We're real good at that kind of guy. But, like, if you're comfortable, if they're comfortable with a group call, we would love it. Okay. But we need to be deeply involved in this. And Eric and I are very serious about, you know, of course you're going to have to meet our quote, which is very reasonable. Shockingly reasonable. Right. Next corporate retreat, if you need some entertainment, I mean, like, you know, entertainment that no one's ever going to forget, you're going to want to hit 13 Feet Incorporated. That's me and Eric's LLC for our entertainment. You're so in. Jake Johnson gets 27.5% of that booking fee, and we're great with it. That's fine. That's fair. It's totally fair, but we are very excited. Thank you guys so much for your help. I think this is going to be great. What a fun call. We are going to rid the nickname. This is such a fun call. Kate, you're an absolute legend. And from now on, may I call you Cat Attack? Absolutely. God, Cat Attack, it was a joy. This is incredibly exciting, Steve. There's not much we love more on the show more than a follow-up. We certainly hope we helped. Maybe we didn't, but we're about to find out. Call her your name, where you're calling from, and refresh us what you were looking for from us. Hello. I used the name Sabrina when I called the first time. Oh, fun name. Yes, the witch. My mom told me that we descend from a long line of witches, and I needed help deciding what to do. Right. Oh, my gosh. Sabrina, this is awesome. The second I heard your voice, I knew exactly who this was. And I remember that was one of those I really hoped we helped, not just on an ethereal witch perspective, but a family perspective. So please let us know. Briefly fill us in on your issue and then let us know how this resolved. Yeah, just remind the listeners, you know, the issue you had, and then we'll get into how this all played out. Take it away, friend. Right. yeah, so the issue is I really did not know what she was talking about. She didn't give me a lot of detail. She just told me that I would need to decide one day if I wanted to be a witch. Right. So just for the listeners, so you were basically told that you were the descendant from a long line of witches, right? And then you were told by a family member that you needed to decide if you want to carry on the tradition. So yeah, your mom. And so you were calling in to say like, I don't know, do I need to, do I pick up the mantle or do I just kind of like let someone else do it? So is that, is that like a pretty apt summary? It was more like, how, how do I even know how to make this decision? Right. I feel so out of depth. Right, right. So, and I talked to some other family members and no one had any idea what she was talking about. Wow. So you all recommended that I do more of my own research. And so I talked to my uncle. He also does not think my mom is a witch, but he did connect me to this long-lost aunt of ours. Okay. Whoa. So she's like 90 years old. Perfect. And she's a hoot. She's very fun. and she doesn't use the word witch but she likes to say there's something special about our family oh I love that well the witch branding has kind of gotten away from them also it's like I think people take the word witch and apply it to any kind of special touch that someone has so yes there are witches but not everything magical is a witch witch no and if historically you're getting burned at the stake for being a witch you're going to lean away from that branding. Yeah, you are. So I love what you said, some special stuff. And also, out the gates, just the fact that you reconnected with a 90-year-old aunt, already I feel like we're heading the right way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How cool is that? Oh, yeah. It's been awesome. She has been very fun. It's really nice to get to know her. She knew my grandpa, you know, when he was a kid and he died 20 years ago. So it's just been this really great connection. How sweet. Yeah, so So then I talked to my mom more. I'm like, hey, I think I want to learn more. I want to learn more about all of this. I'm leaning in. I'm not giving you an answer, but I need to make an informed decision. And so she was really excited. She's like, okay, well, you know, what questions do you have? And I said, well, no one else says which. Like, where did that come from? And she said she was the first one to start using that as a term. She just called it a behavior. But it was more of a spiritual connection that the women in our family have had, I guess. There were a few stories she had that were, you know, I'd heard this story, but told slightly differently. There was a great grandmother who was like the late 1890s, thought that something was wrong with her husband. and left her house and just started running until she found he had been in a car accident. Okay. And he dragged him out and saved his life. What? Yeah. No way. You know, this is the first time. You have this power, Sabrina. It was the 1800s. Yeah, so was it a horse and buggy? Like, yeah. I think it was a horse and buggy. Yeah. I know he lost his arm. I had known that he had been in this accident and lost an arm. You got to. The first time my mom tells us. Yeah. Exactly. Those horse and buggy accents can be nasty. I've been in two myself. That's why I had this weird limp. Is that the truth? No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. That's acting right there. That's one of the best actors on the planet. That's just my classical training. Sorry. That's it. That's it. That's Meisner right there. The class has worked. You can watch them on CBS Ghost doing all that and more. But, yeah, so I actually just got back from a spontaneous visit with my mom. my flight landed today and I'm on the phone with you all so it was incredible yeah we did a little tarot reading that's so lovely I love tarot it's fun it really is fun it is fun yeah so it was it was a really nice visit and I think if nothing else it definitely brought me and my mom closer and it's given me a new perspective on, you know, that's the stuff that really works for her. And if I can lean in and we can have fun with it, then that's good for us. Absolutely. So that's wonderful. Oh my God, that's so great. Well, I'll tell you what, like, you know, I think in this era, I think in all areas, right, there is nothing wrong with, you can do it in a multitude of ways, but enchanting your life, like making your life, infusing a little magic in your life is wonderful. Like for Eric, it is like going to see a concert isn't just enjoying music. There's something else happening for Eric. It's my medicine. Yeah, it truly is. But it almost is like the way you enchant your life, Eric, is through art. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful thing. So I think you do this with your mom and what a lovely thing. And I love how it's brought your family closer together. It's reconnected to you with a 90-year-old elder, which, oh, we need more of those in your life, which then in turn is connecting you with your grandfather that we lost 20 years ago. And that you're closer to your mom. You're doing tarot. You're dipping a toe in, which you don't have to make a giant decision right now. Let's not use the word witch if I want to bring this special family origin stuff in. But what I love is that it's just been a giant net positive in your life. Yeah. Definitely. So let's talk about when you're going to start hexing people. Yeah, and can we give you names of big guy actors? There's a couple in town that we got that Steve and I battle with parts for. So we're just pretending to be nice, guys. We want you to pull out that tarot deck and send a bad flu to a couple 275-pound guys. So we helped you. Now it's time for you to help us. Yeah, nothing's free in this life, Sabrina. Daddy needs to work. Boy. The two-way street sister. Well, now that we have a powerful. Never, never. We love those guys. We have a powerful. Our big guy crew is solid. We actually love each other. But do you think there's any way you may take some of your magical learnings and, you know, quasi-interest and apply it into, like, your normie life? Oh, maybe. I mean, the tarot reading that my mom and I did was all about my job. Yeah. So I feel like I'll be using some of what we talked about as I'm, you know, going to work. And I'm not sure if I'll be doing tarot reading to do my job all the time. But it was a helpful way to think about how to look at some things that are coming up. It gives you a new perspective. Eric, you know what would be very fun to do like on our little Patreon coffee top show is have once, you know, once you get a little more familiar with tarot and feel like you're confident enough, We will let you do a live tarot chart for Eric and I. Yes. On the Patreon. Oh, we can have my sister do one too. We can have a tarot Patreon that will really piss off some people. And I can't wait to do it. Yeah, yeah. Are you in, Sabrina? I'm in. Oh, this is, okay, you're stuck with us. This is happening. Oh, my God, a live tarot. Oh, Steve. Yeah, so Jesse, we have Sabrina's information so I can reach back out to her. I will personally email you probably next month sometime in February and we'll record it when you have time but we would love to do a live on air tarot read I think that would be so fun and if we can get the 90 year old aunt too okay easy come on Eric's really angling for the 90 year old aunt I mean if the 90 year old aunt is in obviously we'd love to have her but Eric take it easy fella love it I can't wait to meet her. I need a mentor. Oh, I know you can't, man. I'll put some feelers out. I don't know if you know. I may be able to convince my mom. Oh, we would love to meet your mom. I haven't told her about any of this yet, but I think she might be open to it. I think you might be open to it because we got some really net positive results. This is a dream follow-up because we do. We think about all of you, and you know, Steve and I are kind of improvising here. We just hope we're giving good advice, and it's so nice to hear that if nothing else, This has brought you closer to your mom, reconnected to you with a beloved elder family member, and also may have just gotten you on that witchy little path. Ooh. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, a witchy path. Yeah, I mean, I think the live show, we're definitely going to do that if y'all are down. So that sounds like a blast, Marina. I'm so happy this is such a positive experience for you. Yeah, thank you guys so much. It really has been wonderful. So I appreciate all of your advice. It's been a really great couple of months. It reminded me. I've been chatting with you last. Oh, I love this. This makes me so happy. Remind me once more where you were calling from. Oh, I'm in Chicago. Oh. Oh, wow. Wow. Put some Giardinara peppers all over something for me today, will you? Oh, yeah. Those things are so good. Oh, I love it. I can't even buy them because I'll put them on cereal, dude. I'll put them on every single thing. And they don't even belong there. But I mean, like, my blood is half Giardinero. It is so good. There's a quote for next year's calendar. Are you kidding? Earmark that, Jesse, please. My blood is half Giardinero. Okay. Jesse's just earmarked it. We're good. We're good. All right, Fred. Well, we'll reach out to you in February, and we'll get that tarot show going. Awesome. That sounds great. See, when we say you're stuck with us, we mean it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. exactly. Yeah. And just let us know your wedding is. We'll be there too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have a great one. Take care. Enjoy your weekend. You too. Bye Sabrina. It was an honor. Peace. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, You can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Foller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fosteik. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.