Side Stories: Shart Tank

There's no place to escape to. This is the last. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. So we're sitting here and Henry, you said, I scratched my butthole. And then you said, hold on, let's wait for the show. Yeah. That is conversations that we can have without the cameras and mics on. Why? We need an opening. Yeah, you're right. We always do. We like, you know, and there's no to me. What I like to do is I think some people feel that the opening of the show is the most important part. So you'd want to do some sort of like thought out concept. Correct. Like a bit. Yeah. But the thing was that I actually was thinking of something And then as I was sitting in this chair I felt a sharp pain from my butthole Because we had such a great meal We had such a sloppy meal Oh my god In Austin that Probably top three of my life Truly such a wonderful time I had so much Wagyu That I was trying to clean out my hole Right? I overwiped as well I wept my butthole wept a little bit it wept you know when grease just kind of comes out of it and I was really getting in there and then I scratched my butthole with my fingernail as I was getting up in there you can't fuck with that yogurt maker like that it hurts so I had to go in there because then you know what I did Eddie to try to fix it I took a makeup wipe from the side of the hotel no no no No, no. It's true. I put Neosporin on the makeup wipe. Oh, actually this ain't bad. And I stuck it up in my butt near where I could get to where the scratch was. Oh, okay. Did it work? Painful? It worked at the time. Yeah. Now it's back to being itchy. Must be healing. It's scab. Be careful every time you poop. I bring cortisone on the road. I bring cortisone. Yeah, I have cortisone on the road. Then why didn't you use it? Because I don't put it near my butthole. Where do you put it? I put it like sometimes like if I have like fat man rash. Oh, yeah. Between the legs. Yeah. No one's got fat. You guys know fat man rash. Yeah. Chafing. You guys know what chafing is. You know what chafing is. Cortisone does the trick. You're not supposed to put those makeup wipes in your butt. No, it wasn't a makeup wipe. You said makeup wipe. No, it was like a pad. It was like a cotton circle. It wasn't filled with chemicals. Oh, okay. It didn't have makeup remover on it. That'll burn your butthole. No, I would have felt that. I like a little burn. To be honest, because I had to also overwipe after our great meal with all the fatty steaks. And then I had chafed butt, but I just got in the shower, fucking soaped it up, and then cortisoned myself. I was good in a couple hours. We'll talk about anything but the RAF4 again. Welcome to Side Stories. You mean the Rash4? Come on! My name is Henry Zebrowski. And I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. And man, oh man, it is another side-splitting edition of Side Stories. Yeah, that's right, man. Shout out to Steiner Ranch for getting us bigger. Oh, my God. Our buddy hooked it up over at Steiner Ranch. I've never experienced anything like that before. We felt like the finer people of Texas. It was. We had our own patio. Absolutely. Did you know that they have a urinal named after Alex Jones in there? You can go check that out. We want to, first of all, say we had an absolutely amazing sold-out show in Austin at the Paramount. One of the best shows of the entire tour. so much fun we got off stage we're all like that was that was the one and then we had a very conflicting weekend because literally in the hours after that was the terror attack on sixth street which is literally right around the corner from where we were staying right around the corner from the venue five blocks from the venue seven from where we're staying and four from where we were hanging out when it happened yes and so i just want to say i'm going to say i'm sorry to everybody who lost their lives there i can't believe it uh i uh we now know a little bit more details about what happened. It was extremely... Now I guess they're calling it a terror event. I don't trust... My problem is I don't trust a single fucking thing the FBI says anymore. That is what's happened to us. We can't just look at something that honestly, to me, cut and dry, fucking terror attack, but now we all have to look at everything like, oh, what was it causing? So, alright, this mass shooting happened. It was in Austin. It was on Saturday night. Three people are now dead, I believe. Yes. A third person just passed away. 14 injured. The shooting was outside of Buford's Backyard Beer Garden, 6th Street. It was right at 2 a.m. It was like right as kind of things were both dying down yet also heating up down there. I remember we walked into the lobby of the hotel around 145. Yeah. And that's when I heard the sirens as soon as I went upstairs. The suspected shooter who was killed by police is 53-year-old Indiaga Diagne. It seems that he was like scouting a place where a bunch of people were hanging outside. He shot at them. with a pistol outside of the window of his SUV. He parked his car, came back with a rifle, started shooting people there. But then by that point, cops had arrived and completely obliterated him. Yeah. It was West 6th Street. And so it wasn't like the part of 6th Street that's so insane that we all know about. No, it was the more dangerous side of 6th Street. Yeah. Which is what we were sort of warned to go to anyway. We're literally, before, We're trying to find a place to go after the show. We end up going to this place called Lavaca. Very nice. Very nice. And then, so we're hanging out there. But on the way there, we're going with our buddies from Austin. And they literally said, hey, I don't want to go to 6th Street unless you want to get shot. Yeah. Like literally before this all went down, it already had this fucking reputation. Yes. So this guy came out. He had a shirt on that said property of Allah. We know that he was a naturalized citizen. I don't think it has anything to do with what happened. He was born in Senegal. I have no idea. I know that they're saying that might have been a reaction to us bombing Iran. Well, it was hours later. I imagine that it has to have something. It seemed he legally purchased guns in the shooting very, very easily. I love Texas because they always remind you weed and porn is the problem. Yes. That's definitely like, God forbid. I felt like Edward Snowden trying to get porn in my hotel room because it's all like, Because not only is it blocked, but then they shame you. They send that little thing to be like, oh, trying to look at porn, you pervert, like essentially. And it's like, yeah, my wife's not here. Like, what do you want me to fucking do? Use my faulty imagination? Hotels should be no man's land. There is no Christ. There is no Ten Commandments besides murder. Because if anything can come out of it, you know, that's the hard part. Yeah. But that's the problem. And is that like, yeah, and weed. Yeah. God forbid. All right. So everyone's going after this guy because obviously he's from Senegal and everyone's saying like, this is why we need closed borders and all this shit, which is crazy. But no one's willing to talk about the fact that he was able to buy a bunch of guns. He had a series of mental health issues. He had been arrested previously. The fact that he could still get those guns is kind of insane. They searched his home. They found an Iranian flag and pictures of Iranian leaders, according to the BBC. So maybe we can believe them. The attack came on the same weekend. that the U.S. and Israel launched strikes on Iran. It was within 24 hours. Oh, yeah. And they shot him. I think they said the police response was like 53 seconds. Well, because... 57 seconds. The police station is only a couple blocks away from where it happened. Now, I am not going to add any conspiracy theory thought to this story. So should we move on? Yep. the problem is is that i just i am a little skeptical of every single person involved the one thing that stood out to me was the fact that you had an actual what the government is trying to call a terrorist attack yeah after the incident it's like nothing fucking happened i walked out i our d our meal was okay i'll even let you how i knew because i didn't know what had happened yet i didn't know till the next day and it was blocks away the meal we had was so thick great and wonderful and i forgot my pepsi dac so i snapped awake at about 5 45 in the morning desperately needing some antacids i went down to the lobby they said we don't have anything but there's a there's a 24 hour convenience store over on 6th street yeah so i walked over there it was fucking it was kind of insane at six o'clock in the morning but it was like nothing happened no idea next day nothing's roped off the the venue was roped off yeah buford's was roped off Nothing was roped off in comparison to now that we have been in town for several monumental moments in history. We were in town for when Luigi Mangione shot. While we're on the road. Yes. We were in town for when Luigi Mangione shot Brian Thompson. We were in town for when we were in D.C. the moment when Trump got shot at that child. Oh, the fake. The fake shot. When he didn't get shot. But what happened with Luigi Mangione, what I will remember is he shot one guy. And they knew exactly where he was the whole time. I still believe that. And they shut the city down. Yeah. They shut it down. People with machine guns. They shut down three states. Fuck the city. Everywhere. They were on the Midtown Tunnel. They were everywhere. We go to, the next night, we go to Nine Inch Nails Moody Center. Dude, we walked in. There was like no fucking security. There was no security. I snuck in all kinds of joints. And I don't care about, we smoked so, Halloween, dog, in there. We smoked to smoke some weed in there, dude. But I guess that's my issue is that it just seems to be, why is it fishy? What's going on with my head? Well, I think there's a level of, I think that we're just don't believe anything anymore. No. I think that this seems like, personally for me, this seems like it's what really happened. Yeah, it does seem very cut and dry. Yeah. But this idea that you had a quote-unquote terrorist cell attack, if that's what they're going to call it, and then we're just going to roll on like nothing's happened. If it's a terrorist attack, if I'm going to a major concert with 30,000 people the next night blocks from where it happened, I, as a concertgoer, want more security. And I know that, again, that's unique to us in the United States of America, y'all. All right? Like, it sucks. We don't like this. I honestly it was crazy I remember when we went on tour in Europe this year and every time we went because like you know when we do tour touring in the United States of America and we do like a sort of powwow with the security beforehand they can't wait to tell us how they can and will shoot and kill a heckler they can't wait to kill you guys the security want to shoot you right in the head yeah right and then when we went to Europe we literally were like is there like we asked for the security team, they all looked at each other, and then a 90-year-old woman walked in, just like, we'll make sure that nobody, we'll make sure nobody yells too loud. And it's just like, oh yeah, I forgot. You guys don't live like you've got a gun to the back of your fucking heads. But, you know, Europe's got their other, they've got problems, too. They don't have air conditioning. Dude, all right, how about, we got three people died from this shooting, and one of them died at the hospital recently. how about the fact that a goddamn Waymo is blocking the ambulances trying to get people out of there there's footage of it, you can see it you go to Dallas, Texas underscore TV on Instagram they got footage of this fucking Waymo blocking an ambulance, not only that we saw Waymo block a different ambulance at a different time like a couple days ago, there was six lined up in a row one time they're everywhere in Austin literally don't respond to honking No. So they just stand there. Look at this shit. And now they had to admit, right, that they kick out the driving to a human remote driver when they get stuck. Yeah, some dude in the Philippines. Yeah, which is fascinating. Austin, you're not L.A. yet, okay? I know you want to be. I know that you're so desperate to have our culture, and I know that you're very thankful. The weather was nice. It was. And I know Austin's super thankful that L.A. imported its culture, and I just want to say you're welcome honestly and every less dickhead we have that you receive you're welcome thank you for taking them but i'm also sorry because it because the waymo thing is a bit out of control i took to several fans after our show that talked about how they were trying to get out of the parking lot of the paramount in a waymo and it just kept like they've had to go front and back they just abandoned the fucking thing we're not there yet y'all yeah yeah yeah this is it's a fucking disaster what these goddamn things are doing. We're not there. I think that we could say that Waymo has blood on their hands officially. I mean, you know, I... But I would say it doesn't count until it fully kills a person on its own. And then... It killed Kit Kat! Waymo killed Kit Kat! Who's Kit Kat? A beloved bodega cat. Oh, a cat! In San Francisco. That's really very sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. But, you know, a cat... They know how they knew what happened they heard the engine purring cute cats uh take chances okay cats take chances and cats i'm sorry i'm not blaming cats i'm now trying to like cats more i'm just trying to tell you that i do believe that i've seen cats take chances and you don't want to take a chance with a waymo they don't have the response time curious as a cat there's a reason for the expression yes curious as a con but yes six six street was a little scary i gotta say like it was wild down there. I've been to Nashville Broadway. I've been to Times Square. But 6th Street, there's a little edge to it that I was like... It was not there before, I will tell you that. Most people that I talked to also said the same exact thing. Austin... I think Austin will resort itself in like 10 years. I love Austin. I think it's wonderful. It's weird. It like I scared of the town but I was already trying to figure out when I going to come back No we had a fucking blast And the Moody Center is one of the best amphitheaters I ever seen a show in Yeah absolutely And the Nine Inch Nails show was literally one of the we were crying Dude and the Paramount was fucking beautiful And the Paramount's one of the best venues in the world. It is an incredible place with incredible things and people and attitudes. It's just right now, it's in a weird little spot. Sixth Street could definitely use some love. Yeah. You could use a little love, Sixth Street. You'll get it. I miss the bats. I wouldn't wear my nice shoes. I wouldn't wear my nice shoes on Sixth Street. I did, though. You did? Yeah. Oh, look at you. I'm trying to be less precious. Oh, that's so nice. See, I got like three pairs of shoes that I take care of. And then the rest of them, they're for 6th Street. That's key. Yeah, yeah. That's key. Bye from your grave. All right, I got an update. Another update that I remember we asked about the cartels. Yes. And I actually think I really like this. This is a good level-headed breakdown of it because we did not know what it looked like. And I just find it interesting to hear someone's perspective from inside of Mexico. I actually need this. Please hit me with it. First and foremost, it is not a civil war in Mexico right now. Nothing like it, nothing close to it. I'm from Nayarit, which is one of the states that was living in the chaos of the cartel a few days ago. Nayarit and Jalisco were the two affected states, as Mencho was the leader of the Jalisco cartel, and the states are quite interconnected. So this is all after we were talking about El Mencho, the former like El Capo de Capos of the Jalisco drug cartel. That is the biggest crime syndicate slash military unit slash government substitute inside of Mexico. All right. So so the leader was killed. Now we're kind of seeing there was like a power play going on. There was a situation similar to the one that we lived in Mexico when our dear president Felipe Calderon decided to play along with the USA's war on drugs and remove some big heads from the cartel, effectively creating a power imbalance and a war between cartels to see who would be the next one in charge. So it resulted in a massive cartel war. Again, not a civil one. Civilians definitely do not get involved. And we really just make memes and jokes about it, which is the Mexican way of dealing with anything bad, no matter how bad. Back then it was true. I remember when I was a cook, they loved joking about murder. I get it. You have to. Every time you joke about it, it worked every fucking time. It's also, if you ain't laughing, you're crying. I used to do this thing where I would take a bunch of knives and I'd throw them in between all of us on the ground. And I'd say, Cuchillo Muerte Fiesta. They loved it and they loved it. I did it. Know what else they liked? They liked when you did the joke more than once. They like repeats. That's where those shows work. Because the whole guy has to go, wow, wow, seeing a girl with big boobies, he's got a big pencil. It's the best. Obviously, it's a better form of comedy. It's better comedy than what we have right now. All right. All right. So there was a full on cartel showdown. Literal bodies were hanging from bridges in previously safe cities. In fact, my tiny city had an instance of a guy being cut into pieces and put in a big pot, along with all of the ingredients to make pozole. because in Mexico, even the cartels have a sense of humor. Oh, my God. So, yes, removing a cartel head that holds a lot of power in the drug business creates a massive power vacuum, and you have all kinds of guys trying to be the next Mencho and killing others who stand in their way, while others are simply burning cars, creating generalized chaos because they are throwing a tantrum about their boss dying. This is, once again, the Mexican government trying to make the U.S. happy. In fact, the guys shown as the Mexican soldiers hunting and taking down the cartel, quote unquote, are quite clearly American. This is a part of the new, quote, anti-cartel force led by the American military. Are they mercs or are they actual military? I think they are military, but I don't know if they're necessarily saying they're American military. So once again, our government trying to play along with the gringos has created chaos. The narco showdown closed schools, shops, restaurants and public transport for a couple of days. Right now, everybody's back to work and school in both Jalisco and Nayarit. There will continue to be narco violence, maybe not to as big of a scale as in the last past few days, just to some degree until they find a new boss and the balance is restored. This is also the very last paragraph was like kind of interesting. The narcos, even if everyone likes to think otherwise, are part of the economy. Drugs are a huge business and the governments have deals with them to allow the drugs to reach their target areas. So they should kindly give up the government pantomime of we will eliminate all drugs. The whole American continent has a drug trade. Things flow to the U.S. and Canada. Police forces, militaries and governments know this and even help facilitate the smuggling. Even as a child, I knew that for every truck of drugs intercepted by the police, there was five more going freely to their destination. So, yes, it seemed to be was a lot of trouble. There was a lot of crazy footage. A lot of it seemed to apparently have been A.I. Really? Obviously. Oh, yes. Just kind of showing more of like trying to pump up. You might remember our reaction. We're like, oh, my God, there's going to be a civil war in Mexico. Blah, blah, blah. It worked completely on us. Yeah. We watched it. We were immediately like, what's going to happen? And it worked. And so essentially what they're saying is that it's just going to go back. I mean, of course. Yeah. I mean, it's not the first fucking drug kingpin to get killed in Mexico. No. And it's also it's just business. Yeah. In a way. Oh, and just so you know, El Mencho was buried in a golden casket. Ah, that's the dream. So, all right. So he's buried in a golden casket. It's been a week since he was murdered. They obviously didn't make it. So that means they had one for sale somewhere. I honestly, you'd be surprised. Yeah. You'd be surprised. Golden caskets. Also, it's got to be gold plated. I doubt. I doubt it. There's no way it's gold all the way through. No, it's wrapped. That'd be very heavy. I also can straight up imagine maybe it was gold fucking colored. Yeah. Whoa. I mean, that looks cool. It's pretty gold. I want that, man. Yeah, I can see you buried in that. A little wider, maybe. I just want one to lay in. That's got to be hard to hit. That's going to be heavy. Let's talk to that small kid. Does he still have the casket? Yeah, yeah, man. He still has the casket company, right? He's got a great podcast. He's doing it in a casket. Yeah. We've had him on our podcast. He's never had you on the podcast. David let's put Henry in a casket what are we doing here? Henry belongs in a casket I'm trying to get booked on many shows I'm trying to get booked on many shows well all I know is there's no way this fucking casket's staying in the ground that long no they're going to go get that why would it? it's ridiculous putting it on the news and be like here's your gold and it's buried right here right here I think it'd be difficult to steal though yeah no it's definitely plated No way I won't be able to carry it. Okay. We have one more update. We briefly talked about this at the end of the show last time. There's the 11-year-old who is accused of killing his adoptive dad over his Nintendo Switch. I remember. He's now getting tried as an adult. You know, this story is interesting. This 11-year-old is being brought back and forth with guards. they're talking about this 11 year old like like i can't believe they're charging and as him as an adult and the reason why is not only that his name is not even officially guilty no but his names in all these articles because they're treating him like an adult it's because of the nature of the crime so okay so he it was his birthday yes he received so officially 11 yes He became 11 that day. Yes. He got his Nintendo Switch for his birthday. He played it for a while. Parents had the audacity to say, screen time's over. It's time for you to go to bed. Well, mom was already asleep. Yes. And they were going to put him to bed. This was about him going to bed. And he was angry about going to bed. So he was like, fuck this. He went in. He looked for the Switch. He found the key to the gun case. Yeah. He opens up the gun safe thinking maybe the Switch is inside. Instead, he sees the guns in there. He takes the gun out. He then proceeds to go find the bullets. Yeah. Load the gun. This is the thing. This is the thing that changes it for me. An 11-year-old knows how to load a gun. Walks into the other room, point blank, blows his adopted father's head off, right? Just blows his fucking brains out. He then has to go and be like, my daddy's dead. My daddy's dead. He lies. The first thing he says is, my daddy's dead. He doesn't say, I did it. It wasn't until he got to the fucking police station that he's like, I killed daddy. And now they are like, it's bad, dude. It's bad, man. It's definitely bad. But I can't help but think the way they're treating this kid is totally fucking wrong. All right. I am. I am. Same. I don't like overpolicing. And I don't like the idea of a child being handled like an adult. I don't like it. But the kid... If you're even like 15, it makes a little more sense. He's 11. You're not even a teenager. I am going to... Let me just do a little bit of a told you so when we talk about the Slender Man girls, right? Yeah. The fact that Morgan Geyser put together this plan of attack, executed the plan of attack in an extremely complicated way, proceeded to lie after the fact, right? Now she goes and she gets now she gets we saw her that she got released. Yeah. Immediately, obviously not ready to be out in the real world, like not ready. All sorts of fucked up reading, reading of violent material, shacking up with that weird 40 year old that helped her escape. And then they're doing all like it's it's it's bad stuff. Yeah, bad. So I think we're in a bit of a rock and a hard place here when they're showing that type of premeditated. murder with a cover-up, there is something very bad happening inside the kid. I agree completely with that. But I don't know what you do. I remember there was that HBO documentary about I am Adam Lanza's mother or whatever, but the idea of growing up with kids that have homicidal problems, like are literally dangerous, and back in the day, you should just put them in mental institutions. I just think an 11-year-old child doesn't understand the concept of death. I completely understand, yes. He just thinks you get another life like it's a fucking video game. I completely understand. But when have you, like, think about that, though. Your first idea. We grew up with violent video games. Yeah. We did violent video games. We had guns in the house. The idea of jumping to my head, like, honestly, even as a little boy, like, as angry as you ever were, would you ever, like, go, I'm going to shoot him in the head. And I'm going to go get the gun. And not even just saying, I'm going to kill you and slamming the door. It's, I'm going to kill you. And then finding the gun and then doing all of it. Yeah. All right. How drunk is this fucking dad that he doesn't know the kid's going into the gun safe? Dad, I don't know. How passed out are these parents that they don't fucking see the kid or hear the kid loading the gun, opening the safe? It's faster than he did. He was in a horrible situation, this kid. Well, that's my personal opinion. I think that, obviously, he could get to the gun. I think the kids kind of... I'm going to say nice, all right? Some kids, they're born sour. Hey, I agree with that. Some kids are born sour. I'm not saying I want this kid to move in with me. But I don't know what to do, dude. Obviously, they're going to look into it. I think they're going to end up getting him in juvenile court. I do think that this will... Because he's a child. He is a little child. They try him as an adult at 11 and then what? You put him in fucking gen pop? No, I mean. What do you do with that if he's tried it as an adult? I might actually even be wrong. Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. I would love to know if it could be. I think there might even be a separation. I might know. We might be wrong entirely. I think there might be a bit of a separation where they can try him as an adult, but then they because of the nature of the crime. But then I think they can punish him in another way. I think that that's how it works. I would have to. I think. I don't think he can. He's not going to go to jail for the rest of his life. Like, I think that he would end up going to some form of juvenile facility until he's 18. Then he'd be reevaluated. And then they would do that again. I just don't know how. I don't know how you do that. Yeah. Because that's the thing, man. He's Michael Myers, kind of. He is kind of Michael Myers. Nah, you know, not really. I mean, what are they going to do with him, though? They're going to put him in a room and they're going to lock him up or something. and then this poor kid's going to end up worse. Oh, no, even worse. No, I don't think that there's a good option here. I don't think this is a good option. I don't think, but I just, I am more speaking on the side of, I can see a bunch of prosecutors and police officers being like, what do I do with a complicated series of steps from a child that actually, like, committed first-degree murder? Yeah. You know, like, it's intense. It's not second-degree. He wasn't like playing around with the gun and it accidentally went off like we see all the time. It wasn't like that. It's like, that's the difference to me is that it's not the, it wasn't some horrific set of circumstances. It was. No, he thought about it and he did it. He thought about it and he did it. And that's why I pull out. That's why I send every one of these directly into Davy Jones's locker. That's right. Yeah, you got to throw a combination on your gun safes. Don't make it just a key. Yeah, you know, also, at the same time, just, again, lock your kid in his room every night. Every night, put him in the room, lock him in there, don't let him out until he's 18. And the only way he's allowed out is if he leaves. Yeah. You tell him you've got to leave the house. Well, we have more family annihilators this week, don't we? Yeah, we do, Eddie. But this one's... We don't make the news, by the way. We just have to report on what comes to us. We just made... Yeah, we're just a part of this. Or should we do our update first? Our other update. Oh, yeah. We have one more Let hit it Rob It an island adventure heck yeah it jeffrey time we were extremely sorry that we couldn live stream the hillary clinton deposition last week or the bill clinton deposition they decided to put it behind closed doors because they're pussies but they loved it but the clintons wanted it and then they said no and then they took secret photos of them and then put it out. That's because Lauren Boebert has the fucking mind of a 17-year-old girl. See, it's so weird. If there's no cameras, then why have I seen so much footage of it? Because they've been slowly releasing it ever since Lauren Boebert put out that picture and Hillary Clinton snapped at her. So those guys, you know, they brought Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton in to do the whole fucking dog and pony show. I was going to say rigmarole. Yeah, the whole rigmarole, you're right, about what they knew about Epstein because the key is is to bring the people that act like never want to bring anybody that's really in there you want to make sure you bring people that you just don't like so they brought Hillary Clinton in there she crushed the room she is you know I'm never going to say she's now fucking evil but I'm glad in this moment she is she works a room like Sharon Stone in Casino dude I like she works a fucking chair like fucking Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct she walked in there and she let him have it with both barrels she doesn't know anything blah blah blah obviously not but the thing they questioned her about aliens they questioned her about there was a bit where hillary clinton again i'm not even a fan i'm not even a fan but it was a she did this breakdown for these morons about what you do in an investigation and they say And she was like, there's a thing called behavior patterns, things you all put together. She's like, so maybe I would put for you. They ask him straight up, should Trump be in this room? And she was like, the way she looks, she's like, so there's patterns of this behavior. Let's just say mentions in all these files, thousands, maybe close to a million mentions in these files. That's one thing. But then you have, let's say, a person who might be now the president of the United States of America. But they actually were held liable for the rape of E. Jean Carroll. Yes. Right. They also were then shown that they did election interference by giving election money to Stormy Daniels in order to shut her up and all that shit. Right. Yes. We know that he was convicted of that. And she was like, those are literally the two types of crimes we are looking for to set a precedent for behavior. They're right there. She's like, it's right there. So you mean to tell me there is no distinct reason? Meanwhile, like Bill, right? Bill's not a nice guy either. I think Bill's also a fucking rapist. He might like him a little bit more ripened on the vine. It seems like he, if we look at, he likes a full woman. Sometimes, but I also think that he also knows because Bill Clinton was not fully just led by the tip of his fucking dick. He also knew how to do it properly. He knew how to. He's like, he's not sitting around acting like fucking like he's some kind of ski resort villain with Jeffrey Epstein. No, he puts roses and a saxophone and he serenades them and has a great night. He's above that. He's not like he's not like like Bill Clinton's a rapist, but, you know, but not on that island. But so it was all put together. It's just it's just a very interesting. I think that the main issue is that they were not the people we needed to hear from. Obviously, they were not the people we needed to hear from. Bill Clinton did not throw Trump under the bus. He said that he was unaware of any wrongdoing, but he said that he was only unaware. Yeah. It wasn't. He said that it wasn't. He wasn't. He doesn't. He's not saying he didn't, but that he did. He was unaware of it personally. I mean, he had no connection with him after he was convicted. He did. He did. To his credit, there is that. Yes, he did end it when it all came out. And so he also explained the hot tub picture. He just said, I was just so, so tired. It's just you wouldn't believe how tired. He does look tired. Oh, I was just, oh, you wouldn't believe how beat I was. And Jeff, yes, he did offer me use of his hot tub as a relaxation vehicle. And so, yeah. And yes, there were women occupying the waters of a hot tub, but were we in a hot tub together? I say no. But he did one of those where he kind of said like, oh, you know, I slept there a couple times. Hillary Clinton actually said that she knew Ghislaine a little bit more than Jeff and that she was put in contact with her several times. Again, just nothing there. You know who needs to be in there? Howard Lusnick. Yeah, well, he was. That questioned his ass. Fucking, you know, whatever. Remember, he was all like, yeah, I brought my family to hang out with him. Oh, yeah. I brought my wife and my children to hang out at the island. Fucking once his putz was Howard Lutnick was a fucking nothing burger. And then the other one was a nothing burger. One of these fucking pieces. You had Les Wexner, all these motherfuckers. But we were really hoping to stream it live. So then they have now been putting out piece by piece. Wall Street Journal put out the chunk of when she fucking berated Lauren Boebert. Yeah. Bezos' own Wall Street Journal. Nothing I love more than when she's got her Empire helmet on. Oh, dude. When Hillary Clinton's coming in with solid hair, you better fucking watch out. Yeah, she doesn't look like this every day. She looks great right here. No, she is fluffed out. She looks like a mad blowfish. She didn't punch the table. Yeah. Oh, did she? Oh, yeah. Man, she's fucking badass, man. She's fine. You know, I'm still good. I don't like her. I don't like her. No, I hate both of the Clintons with all of my heart. But it doesn't take away the fact that she's terrified. They're very impressive. Once you put them in a deposition room, you really see the years of doing it, too. Because, like, you're talking about she did how many days of Benghazi hearings? She did how many days without dealing with the fucking fallout? Oh, she knows how to fucking take it to the coals, man. Oh, she's an evil bitch, and they better fucking bring it. They don't know evil. Yeah. All right? None of these fuckers even met Jeffrey Epstein. She actually met evil, okay? And she probably told evil to go fuck itself. I'm the evil one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't forget she's also chummy with Weinstein. Oh, I'm not saying. Again, Hillary Clinton's got a fucking, her vagina has a bullet in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 cal. Yeah. She is a fucking mean ass bitch. She will rip off your face. Chelsea Clinton's I honestly think Chelsea Clinton's is like, remember Colossus from X-Men? She can turn into steel. Created by the forge of her vagina. Oh my god. How about fucking Bill looking through all the pictures and like giggling like it was like going over old times. I remember this one. Oh, I remember this one time it was me, Sammy Hagar. Oh man. That was a good time. I remember this time we all got queso. That was right. Honestly, I gotta say. That was the single best queso I've ever seen. And when I saw Jeff, Jeff, he had a little piece of jalapeno, and I said, Jeff, I feel your pain. But I feel like you can't even do anything to Clinton. No. Even if he came out and said, all this is true, and I did it, I don't even think you can arrest him. No, there is. Well, he technically, well, he would have to come out and say, I systematically raped girls on camera with Jeffrey Epstein. Here's the footage. Yeah. All of these, like, as much as I want all these motherfuckers to be held accountable, they're interviewing everybody way too quickly. Well, no, there shouldn't be any trials or anything yet. Eddie, they are blowing up the process. Yeah. Is what they're doing. They're basically ruining the process itself to make sure nothing happens. That's why Kash Patel's in there. That's why Pam Bondi's in there. The whole point is to make sure absolutely nothing gets done. And that's why, to my people, to our listeners, it's a great time to commit crimes. This is a really great time. Only really big ones. Yeah, good crimes. This is a really good time to commit. No financial crimes. They'll get you. If you try to steal money, they'll get you. It depends on who you're stealing from. Yeah. Yes. Especially the government. Yeah, if you steal from a poor person, that's rewarded. Yo, they would love for you to do. They hire you. They hire you. So, I'm going to say, good on you, Hillary Clinton. They fucking tried to capture you, but your pubic mons fucking rejected them. And Bill Clinton, I hope you found a 300-pound woman that you could crawl under the belly of and enjoy this weekend because I know you need to relax. Yeah, he's got real sex appeal. Yeah, he does. Oh, my God, look at this. I found a crawler in here. This is amazing. You know hams is like smoking a cigarette. Oh, my God. Well, you know, at least this painting will be back on the wall. What are they going to do with that painting of Bill Clinton in the dress? God, I'd buy it in a second. They should put it somewhere. I'd buy it in a goddamn second. Why not? We could raise money for the victims. Yeah, why not? Give them something. Yeah. The payout? The Sotheby's Epstein option. Did you see the Epstein estate payout to the victims? It was like $35 million. That's it? Nothing. Nothing. It's like each one of them gets $1 million? Yes. Like, what the fuck? Yes. It's like nothing. Just absolute garbage. Did they take it? Yeah, of course. But once you take it, doesn't that ruin everything? No, it's what they got. Goddamn. That's what they fucking got. Yeah, so they're not even making money off of it. Fucking unbelievable. Fly from your grave. All right, we got one more horrific story. For some reason, I felt like I could have called this. All right. I don't know why. Inventor of the Squatty Potty. Yeah, what about him? Caught possessing child sexual abuse materials. You know what it is? It's the cute name. It's the word squatty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. I don't like the word squatty. Never dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, exactly. Squatty. It's like, because a squatty sounds like, oh, why don't you pop a squatty over here in my mouth, little boy? Yeah, yeah, exactly. When you're talking cute about shitting. I don't ever like it. Yeah. Although I kind of like it. I was like, I got doo-doo. Yeah, but that's different. It's weird. But if you were saying, I got a doo-doo, and then you took a doo-doo on an infant's face. Yes. That makes me super disturbed Yes, you're right That's a shit Do you guys use a Squatty Potty? Do you guys have a Squatty Potty? Julie bought me one for Christmas and I don't like using it So I always push it to the side My problem with the Squatty Potty, honestly Is the fact that it might work, I might not I don't like what it adds to my toilet environment I hate it Because guess what I can just do? I put down two stacks of books Yeah, you hate books No, I'm just saying, it's just books I've already read But you're going to get like piss all over the books. How much are you pissing all out everywhere? You never know what's going to happen down there. Every once in a while, but I learned to point. You have to point your penis down more. Yeah, but sometimes you're doing something else. Sometimes you're too hard to pee. Sometimes calm it down a bit. Well, that helps you. Yes. Yeah. Get that pee out of there. So 50-year-old Robert Bobby Edwards. Yeah, Rob. I love that they put Bobby as if it's an uncommon nickname for the name Robert. so he was indicted because he received child pornography which child sexual abuse material you know we're going to call it that instead because we know what we talked about before child pornography means there's a casting director prosecutors say the case began in 2021 when an undercover FBI agent joined a group chat that people used to trade CSAM on and someone in that chat shared a link to a zoom meeting where a screen was being shared that showed child sexual abuse videos. Oh, good job, Zoom. Yep, and then the Zoom meeting, it went straight to this guy's office. And he did it from the offices of Squatty Potty himself. No. Oh, yeah, he did. So he was selling it? No, he purchased it. He purchased it and was sharing it. A part of what you do, Eddie, there's many different ways. There's many ways to share CSAM. Okay. So part of what you can do is they do it a lot in, you know, like text chains. I thought no one watches C-SPAN. Well, I watch C-SPAN, but with C-SPAN I watch, but I have to have a mukbang video in video at the same time. I watch C-SPAN, which is a canned ham, you know, mukbang. That's not good for your blood pressure. It's not good for your blood pressure. All right, CSAM. So CSAM, they go in there. So it seems like one of the ways, right, so you could get it on a text chain. They do it over Dropbox, which is a bad idea. They do it over certain things. But one thing that people also do is they will show it over Zoom and record the screen of the Zoom in order to try to disrupt the chain of possession. Oh, and what? You got to pay to be in the Zoom? Yes. And then you pay to be in the Zoom. And so that's one way to do it. This is the way these guys do it because, again, it takes a village. So these guys are a Squatty Potty guy. I did not know Squatty Potty was a Shark Tank thing. Oh, Shark Tank? What did I say? Shart tank? That's what I said as a joke. See, that's cute. Because it's squatty potty. But that's fun. Yeah. I don't want to be in a shark tank. Could be fun. Yeah, it depends on the girls doing it. That's for fucking certain. I'm blown away by this. Do you think Zoom knows this is happening? I think Zoom every day has to fight every single thing, bad thing that happens on it every single day. I think this happens multiple hundreds of times every single day on Zoom. Cool. And I think there's really nothing you can do to stop it. and I think that they are they try really hard but it's really really difficult you know what are you going to do? I mean I don't know I think we can chop the heads off of every man that's ever lived but I feel like that also might be difficult it is difficult especially because both of us are men I mean I feel like we have a good way to maybe get in front of this by describing ourselves as some of the good ones oh yeah yeah yeah that's right that's right I'm an ally yeah sure yeah that's why I like it I feel like anyone who says the sentence I'm an ally should be immediately investigated if you are a white man that tells a woman to her face how much of an ally you are you've done bad things. We know this. It's always true. Every single time. It's always true. You need me to be slightly misogynistic to know I'm normal. You have to know I'm normal. Okay? But yeah, this guy, well, who knows if he's gonna go down. All he knows is that the fucking, the charges will not get dropped like the wonderfully spaced out dookies that the Squatty Potty did provide for its users. And I will say... Why not just get lower toilets? They have those. As a plumber, I can tell you they do have those. It's from Asia, right? Would you, like, if you showed up... Rob? No. If you showed up to a client and they had a squatty potty, do you judge them? No, I saw them often. I just, I push them out of the way. I don't have any time for that. You know what I found with squatty potties is that they get, like, dirty. Yeah, it's what I'm saying. They've got to be all covered in piss. all the splash back? Honestly, everything that changed me was that I just go getting into the... I don't need that as much as I need the bidet. Oh, yeah. You love your bidet. My bidet is the only thing that fucking... Again, I I'll sit on that five to eight minutes. Man, do you flush with the toilet lid down in order so the pee-pee and poo-poo particles don't get everywhere? No, my toilet does it immediately the second I stand up. Wow. Because of how wonderful it is and how Asian it is. Wow, that's so nice. I'm so disciplined. Yes, you're Toto. Like the Asian Olympic teams. Yes, you shit on it like a little dog. He sits there and he goes, me hungry, daddy. Me hungry, daddy. And I go, here comes breakfast. Right on time. And that fucking shit right down on his Asian throat. Spray me. Spray me. Toto, I don't care. I'm glad he's a dude. My underwater fountain. His name's Toto. He's my little friend. I wish I could take my Toto and put him in a little satchel on my horse. Wherever I went. All right, I think we got something up. Listener email. You guys want a new listener email stinger this week? Of course. Of course. I really did like that funky one. If we don't like it, can we hear the funky one again? Yeah, of course. All right, but only if we don't like it. Listen up emails. Let get out of the females Damn Hope that you're back For every day I listen to emails Listen to emails Yeah! Dude, that really brought out my whiteness. Yeah, it made me feel white but cool. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I can go to a music festival or something right now. Oh, yeah, what was that Stained song? I'm on the outside. I'm looking in. Oh, man. I can tell you. I saw Stained at OzFest, and I was very mad about how they never lifted up their heads. No, they're fucking. They just always did everything. like they did everything they were fucking sad and he's a trumper yeah we know he's a piece of shit oh he's cum stained yeah oh yeah we know all right here we go first of all i wanted to read this because i never read this when this happened you know they got stained puddle of mud oh oh simply delightful i'm gonna beat him all right so this came out this was a we talked about the olive garden suicide and i did not read this email and i forgot to that sentence i'm sorry that that's a funny sentence. The Olive Garden Suicide. We talked about the Olive Garden Suicide. That's my acoustic album. They'll be coming out in the fall. I'll sum it up. We got an email that was talking about how someone was at, was happening at the Olive Garden Suicide when the chef stuck his fucking head in there, right? Okay. So we said apparently they were doing it so often. They were fighting him. He was high on PCP. We now know that he was very much high on PCP. And he kept going, it's fucking hot in here, man. It's fucking hot in here, man And he was taking his clothes off And they were like, no, stop And he was like, I gotta fucking do it, man And they were like, stop it, stop it And then he just dunked his head in the oil once They grabbed him, pulled him out And he's like, I'm alright I'm alright He can still talk? Oh yeah, his face started Because then he stuck his head back in Right, he did it three times, dude While he was screaming, I'm okay I'm gonna be okay God, you know he's just whipping oil all over everybody Dude, they were just screaming They were all like, it was the worst day in their whole lives. Wow. Yeah. I worked there and it happened. Here's the email. Fucking nightmare fuel. Screaming women. Five males on staff and one is jumping into the fryer. He was on PCP and something possessed him to believe that the fryer was water. In a restaurant full of ice and fountains and sinks, I pulled him out three separate times as they fought to go back in. No noise from him. Only three words. I'm cool, bro. I'm cool, bro. face melting and ass in oil when I told him to get the fuck out. I'm jealous of anyone who wasn't there. I pray you never see anything like it. Do we believe that's real? Yeah, dude, why not? What are you talking about? It's from Reddit. Oh, it's from Reddit. Okay. I thought you said just some random person sent us to that. No, and so that was one. And then I got a bunch of harrowing fucking kitchen stories. Oh, yeah, well, they are all fucking terrifying, man. I've seen horrible shit myself. I've been a woman working in kitchens on the San Antonio Riverwalk for about 10 years now. About a year ago, dishwasher 30, a 30-year-old man got his first job since getting out of prison and promptly began threatening the life and family of a line cook. After one stressful St. Patrick's weekend, Saturday shift. Yeah, it's a bad day. Yeah. Whenever it was St. Patrick's Day at our restaurant, I would just say only hot dogs. That's all we're cooking today. Fuck these people. St. Patrick's Day needs to literally be cut from the calendar. It's not even a real holiday. Can we stop it? There's no reason for it. Is there a president that will just say... It's next week. I know that it's some form of like... I know that they try to make it like cultural every year. I know it's a cultural thing, but I just feel like there's something else we can do. It needs to end. I think it's bad. I don't think it matters. Yeah. Does it matter? I mean, I know I'm going to get emails about this. Oh, I'm sure some people care, but it's a Catholic holiday. Yeah, it makes me even hate it more. And I even like Easter. It's a stupid... I hate Easter. But I mean, it's nice to have a thing to do. I like lamb. You can't stand Easter. Well, I like lamb. Yeah. I like food. Easter's always trying to fuck with 420. That shit pisses me off. Sometimes when they're together, go. When together, man, maybe this year we'll finally do that watch along of the passion of the Christ. I'm bad. There we go. So this person, they got into a fight. The line cook, he was in his early 20s. He bought a gun out of his backpack. He calmly walked up to the dishwasher that was chatting up a bustler in the employee break area and then shot the dishwasher three times in the head point blank. Damn. This is just, and the police were called, the shooter fled the scene, the owner of the restaurant and the manager on staff. They cleaned up the remaining brain matter off the wall, lockers, tables, chairs, nearby drink fountain. And they opened up for Sunday brunch the next day. Well, it wasn't in the kitchen, it was in the back room. This is just wild to me. Well, I mean, it's already a disaster. What, are you supposed to lose a whole fucking day of sales? I guess, but somebody just got their brains blown out in the kitchen. You know what's weird is I don't think people realize that a lot of restaurants really operate day to day. I do understand. It's true. And like one day off can close down a restaurant sometimes. I totally understand. So from a business owners aspect, I understand. But from like, I'm just talking more of like if I was a customer and I just be like, oh, I just blew his fucking brains out. Like if I saw like the mop buckets from the guy's brains. Then leave. Yeah. Then leave. There's other restaurants. I love Ed's reasonable cook's take. This is my first time writing in. I thought that a suicide attempt at the deep fryer story is the perfect opportunity for this story. When I was 15 years old, I got my first kitchen job at a local pub called The Last Straw. During my first week, I met and worked with a nice girl who explained to me that she had been working there for a few years now. While working, it was disclosed to me that the girl in the kitchen, and we call her Alice, had epilepsy. see and one day before i had worked there she had had an epileptic fit and then fully submerged both her arms in the deep fryer oh no i always had permanent scars that ran up the entirety of both of her arms and while i wasn't there when this happened i was working with her when she pulled the proverbial last straw one day while we were sweeping up i heard her make a very abnormal grunt and I whirled around to find her falling face first onto the tile floor onto an epileptic fit. It was an absolute mess. My chef leader had to ask me to hold her head out of her own blood and vomit because he couldn't hold his own in and held her head up at the same time. I'm proud to say that I was able to do so the entire time since my stomach is probably just of as if not more weak with these types of things. Alice was okay. We sent her away with the paramedics, but that was her last shift at the last straw. and from what I heard, she decided to pursue a career in admin desk work. That's great. That was a really good idea for her. Careful with that pen cup. This was my first week in the kitchen industry as a 15-year-old. I went on to cook and bartend for many years after, but I can tell you I've never had a first week on the job like that one before or since. Those deep fryers are nothing to mess around with. Amen, amen. Man, I remember one time I was cleaning the deep fryer. We'd hit it with a little spackle thing, you know, to kind of brush it off as the B-dubs. Like get the chunks off or whatever, like the hard parts. Before you run it through the filter, you know, because you got to keep that shit as long as you can. And while I'm doing that, one of the waitresses walked back in and had a giant metal door with a jagged bottom in the back. And she wasn't paying attention. And the door came back and it went like it like lodged under her ankle. Oh, my God. And then she lifted up and it severed her Achilles tendon in front of all of us. and then I saw that, I was like, holy shit! And then I stuck my arm in the fryer. And so I had to drive us both to the hospital. It was a hell of a night. Oh, you did stick your arm in a fryer. You have experienced it. But it had been off for a while and it cooled a little bit. I don't have any permanent scarring or anything like that. I have permanent scarring from bottles going through my hand and shit like that. But, you know. Que sera, sera. I'm sure she's fine now. Hey, you know what it comes down to? That's why. Now we're in the thought business. Yeah. Because things are scary. Work's scary. T-H-O-T? Yes. We are like prostitutes, but for jokes. I just want to say thank you, each one of you, because we love you, and we love to tell these jokes. That's right. We live to entertain you, and we go around the world to entertain you. We want to entertain you. Somebody sent you a whole bunch of salmon jerks. To make you laugh. And someone just brought us a bunch of salmon jerks. Oh, thank you, and this is packaged. I trust this. I don't know who it's from. It's better than when it comes. I hate when people send jerky like in a Ziploc bag. Do you ever like a salmon skin salad? I like all salmon. I'm Big Bear. This is great. I can't wait for this. Thank you. Who sent it, Rob? Do you know? Mystery. Thank you, Mystery Man. Love you, Mystery Man. I'm going to eat the shit out of your fucking salmon jerky. You want to bring me salmon jerky? You know where you can bring it? You can bring it to Urbana, Illinois. That's right. That's going to be on March 14th. Henry and I are going to be sliding up there next week, oinking and fucking and barking and all that shit. So come on down and hang out with us. We still got some tickets left to that. They're all selling real fast. I got a feeling that all these shows are going to sell out. Lexington, Kentucky on April 26th. Netflix is a joke here in Los Angeles, May 7th, 945 at the Avalon. Night of a million stars. You eat it, you fuckers. You pussy bitches. Fuck those fucking celebrities, dude. Come see us. Rochester, New York. Billy Wayne Davis is going to be on our show. You want to fucking die to too many stars? We got your goddamn fuck ass. Literally, if you come to the show, we might buy you food or something. Alaska officially rescheduled April 17th and 18th. You come screw us there. Eat some salmon jerky. We are going to have, and I promise you, we're going to make up for it. We're going to have a fucking great time in Alaska. That's right. Rochester, New York, May 30th, and London, Ontario. That's going to be on June 28th. I got some personal shows. April 3rd here in Los Angeles at Lyric. I'm appearing with Amber Nelson. P-Funk Fest in Tallahassee, April 11th. ViStar Stadium in Jacksonville, April 12th. July 10th, a salute to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And July 12th, Newark, New Jersey. I got a bunch more shows I'm about to drop at you guys. This is a lot of fun. I fucking love being on the road. Yeah, it is so much goddamn fun. And we will see you out there on the fucking ice. Go to patreon.com. Last podcast and left to watch us do those stream live every Tuesday, 5 p.m. PSD now. And it's what we've changed it to because we want to. And you voted. And so we won. Yes. You go through at LP on the left. You can see all the social media bullshits and go over to YouTube for some places underneath. LPN Romanticity, The Foreign Report, LPN TV, No Dogs in Space. And who's the bitch? Let's get it going. That's right, baby. Hail, sweet son. Hail, Bruce Campbell. He's sick. Yeah, I saw. Bruce Campbell's got cancer. Yeah, I saw it. Uncurable. Dan Simmons, who wrote the Iperian books also died. He died. That's different. So, uh, shout out to Dan Simmons. Thank you. R.I.P.? Yep. There we go. But hail Bruce Campbell. We'll get to him. We chose all wrong on our death pool, man. We really did. I wasn't gonna put Bruce Campbell on there anyway. No, I would never. I would never in a million years.