What To Do?

All right, crawlspace. Yeah. Looks pretty dark. Oh well, fuck it. All right. All right, come on. Come on, Ralph. Pull yourself in there. Come on. Oh, shit. Smells like asshole. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh, fuck. I'm too long for this shit. Ow! Ow! Hello? What's this? Ow! Fuck! Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, I'm stuck. Hey, dude! Oh, fuck. Shit. Hey! Rotato, you hear me? Stop, dude! Ugh, that's gonna be bad. Oh, shit. Breaking news out of Durland County today, as two local men were supposed to be starting a brand new chapter of their life, and, uh... Hello? Hello, is someone there? Oh, what the hell is going on? Something's going up in the night I don't know if I'm gonna be right Someone can't lose me You're right Will you still be up on a minute I'm gonna leave Something's gotta give I don't know if I'm gonna make it out I just wanna make it out What the hell? Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin. Why not? Because. Yeah. Okay. Huh. Yeah, but that'll be a jerk of death. Yes, there is. Faye? Wait, Faye, are you real? Pretty stupid? Yeah? No. Oh. No. What? What the fuck does that mean? Oh. No. Ew, no. poop. I don't want to do that either. Okay, I'm really starting to get pissed now. Open the fucking door. Oh my god, how the fuck are they so stoop- oh yeah, that's right, they learned from me. Fuck, alright, uh, shit. Get out the window. Stupid fucking sentient AI things. Fuck. Alright. Ah, shit, these latches are stuck. Alright. Ugh. Jesus Christ. I got a brown. Shit on a stick, dude. Shit on a brick. Shit on a... Well, it rhymes with stick. Shit on a bick, dude. Fuck. Lying in my bed. I hear the clock tick and I think of you. Caught up in circles. confusion is nothing new okay okay okay oh shit go this way wait what the fuck my phone oh shit my phone working out here oh thank christ all right all right all right all right all right come on Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up Hello Hey, sorry to call I didn't wake you up, did I? No, I was just reminiscing about video stores I don't care about video stores Yeah, but do you remember the porn sections? Oh my god Shut up, hey Shut up, I need you to do me a favor What? Debbie does Des Moines, it was Danielle does Delaware No, I wasn't old enough at the time Dad All the D's doing all the D's, you know. And I just, I miss it so much sometimes. Oh, my God. Flashback warm nights. Almost left behind. Suitcase of memories. Time after. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There's Daphne does Dadeville. Yep. And Daenerys does Damascus. But that's, now that's Damascus, Virginia. Okay. Damascus, Damascus. Yeah. There was Daphne does Deadwood. That one was like a Western one. Let's see. Dakota does Decatur. What? Danny does Detroit. That one was trashy. I don't care. Donica does Durland, you know? Donica does Durland? No, Dad, I wasn't old enough for any of these. Oh, my God. If you're lost, you can look and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall, I will catch you. I'll be waiting. Time after time. If you're lost, you can look. Okay, now did I mention Daisy does dent? No. That was a good one. I don't care. I don't care. Dad, can you stop? I need a favor, okay? I need you to get my old school yearbook. Yes. There's a number of a kid named Dennis in there that I need. Okay. Hey. You know where it is? It's on my shelf. I can't hear you. I set the phone down. Where is it? Oh my god You a dumber than me I got it Alright coming back Hold up Thank God It's freezing out here. Hurry up. Who is this now? Dennis what? Dennis Durfman. Dennis Durfman? Yes. It's freezing. Hurry up. No, I don't have a fucking pen. You don't need to get pressure with me. Shut up and tell me the number! picture fades and darkness has turned to gray I walk like an Egyptian oh shit I forgot the word oh oh oh god oh this is a bad one oh oh oh oh oh oh god oh There are the prunes coming back. Oh, shit. I know I shouldn't have eaten them. Please know what to do. Please know what to do. Please, please, please, please, please. Hello? Hey, Dennis, it's Brandon from DCHS High. Did you say DCHS High? Yeah. That's Sterling County High School High is what you just said. Same difference. No, it's not. Look, man, I'm in a pickle here, and I really could use some help. Well, you know, after you bullied me relentlessly in school, you know, I'm not sure I want to help. Dennis, I never bullied you. I was nerdier than you were. Wait, seriously? Yeah. Well, then who bullied me? Well, what do you need? All right, look, so... This is going to sound embarrassing. Ah, shit. It's okay, just say it. Just say it. All right. So I met this girl. Oh, very nice. Very nice. Well, it's not what you think. I met this girl and I moved in with a friend in this cabin and we were going to hook up with him out here. Sweet. I'm pretty sure that they're like evil sentient AI robots or androids or something. Oh, nice, so you got a sex slave. Well, I mean, yeah, that would be sweet, but no, no, they're trying to kill us. Oh, so what do you need my help with? To stop them? Right. And shoot, I thought you were calling me for vagina advice. What? Which I've got plenty. Don't worry about it. Don't even ask now. I'm not going to ask. But I've got good news for you. You do? In all my extensive research into AI and sentient robots and asteroids and whatnot, I think I know how to stop your problem. Oh, my God. Thank you. How do I do it? Yes. How do I do it? Okay, so all of these AIs and robots should be connected to a central hub. A hub? Yes. Okay. Have you seen any computers, any big computers or big operating systems? Yes, yes, I've seen a computer. Okay, yes. That's good, okay? It is? Okay, now this is where it gets really tricky, though. Okay. Okay, now so listen up, listen good, okay? All right, I'm listening. On that computer, you have to access that computer. Okay. And on there should be a program. A program. Okay. Yep. And that program says AI override. Okay. You click that and it's done. Wait, is that easy? Well, yeah, I mean, yes, essentially, but here's the thing. Okay. Okay, when you get in here, it's going to ask you to take control. Me? Okay, it's going to give you two options. Take control or destroy. Okay. You need to destroy them. Okay, well... Okay, you can't let these sentient robots get out of hand again. Yeah. And if they fall into the wrong hands, who knows? So, hold on. So, let me get this straight. So, I go down to the computer. Yes. I access the computer, get the program that says AI override. Yes. Click on it. Yeah. And I override their system. Correct. And I can take control? Yes, but it's dangerous. Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. If I take control, I can get them to do anything I want. Hypothetically, yes. But if it falls into wrong hands and it gets out of control... Thanks, Dennis. I think that's all the help I need. Hold on. No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. I think that's all the help I need, but... Hey, wait! So apparently, there's a computer in the basement that I found last time I was down there. I didn't notice it before. But there's a pretty good possibility. That's the artificial intelligence's main hub for Anita and Faye and whoever else has been fucking with me. Thanks, Dennis. Man, do I love a good Deus Ex Machina. All I gotta do is click on a program and click override. And then I can get these robots or androids or AI or whatever the fuck they are to do anything I want. the only problem I'm going to have is getting to that computer unnoticed alright easy does it steady as she goes quiet alright don't see anyone just got to make it to the basement avoid the creaky boards okay it's not so bad That's a bad one. Wait, what the hell is that? Shit, well, if I want to avoid horror movie tropes, I've got to go directly towards the sound. Wait. Ralph? Ralph? Oh my God. What? Where the hell are you? Why the fuck are you in a crawl space? Teddy told you to? Oh my God. I'm going as fast as I can. Oh my god. Oh my god. It smells like fucking dead ass in here. I've all been blowing it up. I got a mess, dude. I'm about to mess my pants. Now pull me out. I don't want to touch you, man. Suck yourself. I'm going to go get some dishwashing gloves. I'll be right back. Why do you need dishwashing gloves? Because I don't want to touch your ass. Just grab my leg and pull, dude. You don't got to touch my ass. I'm not even going to get anywhere close to your ass. At least let me go get an oxygen mask of some kind. Dude get me the shit out of here now Alright fine fine fine fine fine here Come on Ow suck dude Well do you want out or not Yes Because this is how it happening Alright fine just pull Goddamn you heavy you gotta cut back on the kid cuisines A little bit of cold day in hell. Oh, shit! I'll never stop eating kid cuisines, dude. You don't have to stop eating them, just switch to the tic-tac-toe cookies or the gummy snacks or something. I like the brownies with the sprinkles, dude. What's going on? Right, so, I think I figured out how to defeat the AI. No cap. I called an old friend. Long story short, there's a computer in the basement that you need to get access to. And I think that we can override their system. What do you mean override the system? Meaning that we can take control of them ourselves. No shit. Yeah. Well, that sounds rock-hard dick, dude. I know. Think of all the possibilities, man. I know. We could make them be our sex slaves. Yes. Yeah, sure. I suppose we could do that. Yes. Dude, we could turn them into anybody that we wanted. Again, yes. We could, like, put a celebrity's face on there, like, almost like a porn with a celebrity. You can already do that online. You can, like, put people's faces, you can AI their faces into, like, porn. Seriously? Yeah. But this would be better, though, because we'd be with them. I mean, I agree. Still kind of gross, but what? I could make one look like your mom and bang it. Yeah, you could. Wait, what? What, dude? Your mom's got something, you know. You're an asshole. What unmistakable quality about her, dude? I'm surprised you didn't say that you'd make it look like Ashley. That is fucking disgusting. What? That's your sister, dude. Oh, my fucking God, you're gross. You always talk about... You just said my mom... Oh, my God, you were the fucking worst. No, I am not the worst. Yes, you are. And I do not always talk about your sister, okay? Yes, you do. You are so, like, up your own ass. Oh, fuck off. That it's not funny, dude. Dude, fuck right off. All you can think about is turning these things into sex robots. Alright fine, what were you thinking? I was thinking more practical uses Like work and housework And having to mow the lawn So we didn't have to And go to the store so we didn't have to And order stuff online so we didn't have to And shower ourselves so we didn't have to And make brown And hold our knees for us so we don't have to Well I do like it when people hold my knees When I mess dude We all do Alright well what do we gotta do? Go find this computer? Yes, but we have to remain quiet. Right, sorry. So keep your voice down. Sorry. All right. Let's go, dude. Come on. Okay, all right. Just remember, stay quiet. All right, be quiet, dude. Do you have to step that loud? It's not that loud. Quiet. Dude, I'm quieter than Manny Mouse, dude. Who the fuck is Manny Mouse? You know, Manny Mouse, Manny and Minnie. Do you mean Mickey? Mickey, Manny, same shit, dude. It's not the same shit. The computer's right over here. How the hell did we not see this before? I don't know. It's dark. All right, dude. Here we are. Okay, um... Let's turn it on. All right. All right. I think this is a button. Screen's still black, dude. Because I haven't figured out how to turn it on yet. You gotta long-hold it. I'm long-holding it. You're not long-holding enough. Oh, there it is. There we go. All right, we're booting up. Okay. Oh, shit. There's a password. Try password. You think their password's gonna be password? Dude, I don't know. They're dumb from learning from us. Anything? Nope. Damn it. Try zero, zero, zero, zero. Zero, zero, zero, zero. There it is. Bingo. Ha! Rock hard, dick. Oh, shit. There's the program. AI override. Dude, open it up. Click that. Oh, shit. There it is, dude. Okay, here we go. Time to take control. Yep. Time to turn one into your mom. You better watch it with... Oh, shit. Don't you dare push that button. Anita? You two have no idea what you are getting into. What are we getting into? Yeah. You are going to ruin everything. What's everything? Ralph. What? Are you sure this is what you want? Well, I don't know. Think of all we could have done, Ralph. Don't listen to Ralph. What could we have done? We could have gotten stanky all over Brandon's bed. What? And you could have popped off all over his pillow. Ew. You said that was your dream ever since you met him. Whoa, whoa, wait. Is that what that was on my pillow the other morning? Dude, don't worry about that. I'm worried about that later. No, I'm worried now, Ralph. Why? Did you seriously pop off on my pillow? Dude. I thought I like coughed up a loogie in the middle of the night or something, man. No, dude. That is fucking disgusting. It's not that bad. You had it coming, dude. How did I have that coming? Go fuck yourself, Ralph. No, fuck you. No, fuck you, you fucker. Shut up. You, you but pirate. Wait, did you just call me a butt pirate? Yeah, I think she did, dude. Yeah, you are shitbeard. Dread pirate of the seven seas. Sailing right to Tortuga in search of some Keira Knightley ass. Dude, what the fuck is she talking about? She's learning from me clearly, and I just watched Pirates of the Caribbean the other day. Yeah, alright, that makes sense. Yeah, I know. Push the button, dude. You cannot push that button. Why? You have no idea the power it possesses. Yeah, too bad, here we go. And I was just learning how to move. Wow. Oh, wow. And there she goes. That was kind of fun. Is it really that easy, though? Yeah, I, I, I, um... I figured it'd be tougher to beat them. I guess so. Then now here we are, dude. Here's the screen. What screen? Override or destroy, man. Right, dude. All right, click that override button. Let's get some sex slaves. Do you ever think about anything else other than sex all the time? Hey, dude, on average, a man thinks about sex 19 times a day, dude. Wait, is that a real fact? Yeah, I mean, it was believed to be every seven seconds for a while, but that's too much, you know? That's like seven times a second. Oh, don't even try to do the math, man. Add to two, carry a nine. That's like 7,200 times a day. Is that math? Hold on. Yes, right. Let me put my phone calculator. You don't need to. It's 7,200, dude. Seven times. Yep. A minute. 60 minutes, an hour. 7,200. Oh, my God. Yeah. How'd you get that? Dude, Teddy told me, alright? The Teddy again? Oh, shit! What? Teddy will answer the question for us, dude. What question? On what we should do with the AI. Fine. Let me get him. Ask him, fine. Open it up. It's gonna be rock hard, Dick. You're gonna meet Teddy and you're gonna love him. Why do you think I'm gonna love him so much? You keep saying this. Blinded a little. He's like the best storyteller the world's ever seen, dude. I don't know. I liked Wishbone. He was a pretty good storyteller. Oh, you're not wrong, dude. Wishbone was rock hard dick, that's for sure. It was harder than rock hard dick, man. Oh. Wishbone was the shit. Super rock hard dick. Nice. I got to watch the story unfold. Dude, I know. I know. Does it always take this long Yes calm your tits dude I trying but honestly I freaking out About what About the whole thing I don know what the right choice is here What you mean, boy? On one side, you know, we make our lives easier. On the other side, what if Anita was right and we don't understand the power? Dude. And we fuck everything up. Don't worry about it now. Teddy's gonna answer it all for us. I sure hope you're right, man. I'm right, dude. I sure hope you're right. I'm always right. He's almost here. Give it another second, dude. It feels ridiculous. Oh. Is it done? No, it's got a few more. Shit. I feel like an idiot. Shit. Come dream with me tonight. Teddy! Hey, man. Wait a minute. I need some help. Hi there. I'm Teddy Ruxpin. Teddy is a Teddy Ruxpin? Oh, my God. Yeah. What do you need help with? Oh, my God. Hey, I need to ask you a question, okay? This is fucking stupid. Okay, ask away. Okay. Teddy will answer all your questions. No, you won't. You're a Teddy Ruxpin, you're a fucking doll. Hey. Hey, what? Shut up. What? I don't like him, Ralph. He's a butt nerd. I don't like you either. He's a fucking butt nerd. Fuck you, Teddy. Don't come and dream with me tonight. I don't want to. You have to do stay with me. I'll ask you a question. Oh, my God. Right, so we got these AI sentient being things, and we got a choice to override or destroy them, and we don't know what to do. Ralph, hold on, bud. I'm going to stop you right there. The answer is simple. Okay. Take control of the AI and make sex slaves. No, oh my god, you guys are so fucking terrible all the time. Dude, hey, what did I tell you? Shut your butt because your teeth are showing your ass fucking... Oh, fuck you, Teddy. Fuck you, Teddy. Okay, so Ralph's friend Teddy that was helping him out through this whole ordeal was a Teddy Ruxpin. Those dolls that you used to put a cassette tape in and they'd read you a book? I mean, I guess at least this one was aware. but his idea was the same as Ralph's to turn him into sex slaves let's be real I mean if there were like AI sentient beings that we could keep in the houses I bet you like 90% would use him as a sex slave I don't know what I want to do here we had a tough choice to make alright man alright alright alright alright what I've made up my mind. No care. Okay? Okay. I'm just going to do it, all right? All right, dude. Here we go. Ready? Three. What are you going to do? Two. Next time on the Mysteries of Durland County. I could sense the whispers from my friends I could sense their dismay Their fragile words just crumbled on the breeze And I wasn't listening anyway If I could go back and convince myself If I could set myself straight Maybe I wouldn't have wound up here The last time I'm far too late How in the hell did you get me here? Did I walk blindly through your gate? Now I know Now I know You may have broken my heart Left it lying on the floor You may have thrown me apart But you can't hurt me anymore I always placed you above myself Another critical mistake Now I wear the pain you gave to me Upon my weathered face I hate the crow that was on my plate But I can't seem to forgive myself I never thought it would happen to me I should have listened to everyone else Cause even a broken watch is right twice a day But I was trapped beneath your spell Now I know Now I know You may have broken my heart Left it lying on the floor You may have torn me apart But you can't hurt me anymore guitar solo Now I know You may have broken my heart Left me feeling low You may have ripped me apart You can't pop right on Yeah The Mysteries of Durland County is recorded in a basement on a shitty computer. Any and all character likenesses are purely coincidental and are products of our own imagination. Artificial Voices were from naturalreaders.com. It is a paid subscription. And one more time, I do not get paid for this show. So, yeah.