The Conversations That Shaped a Year

these 88 years old, you all know who he is immediately you'll recognize his voice. If you're on YouTube, you'll recognize his face. I consider him a kindness broker, a kindness broker. And somebody that if you just watched him, I think you just live better. If you emulated many of the things that he does in his life, this is the great judge Frank Caprio joining us today. Judge Frank, thank you for being here today. It's an honor to have you. Well, thank you for the opportunity. You said, you know, the way you grew up, you're poor. And you actually called that a privilege. Do you really mean that? And if you do mean it, what, what was the privilege of being poor? It's true. I did, I did have the privilege of being born a poor because I appreciated because of my upbringing with both parents, you know, immigrants, the fabric of America. And the riches that we have here, not so much in money, but in what we were entitled to and how it treated it. And my father constantly preached that, but what a great country this was. And that we had opportunity. And I can remember, you know, just simple, all those things that he, when I was 10 years old, he said to me, something you're going to be a lawyer. And it was like an edict, you know, from above. And one of the beginning of being else, but a lawyer, from the time I was 10 years old, how did you or did you keep this outlook that people are good in general and that we should treat them well. I was very fortunate that it wasn't only my father was my mother as well. You know, my mother was known in the neighborhood for feeding people that were hungry. If you were hungry, come to my house somewhere, you get nice meal. And it was always like, let's help other people, but I was saying that, but anyone that was in the stress was stopped by our house and they were, they were helped. My father, one of those jobs was he was a milkman. He'd wake my brother and I up at four in the morning, he'd go to work on the truck. Yeah. You don't want to do this the best that you're away from, make sure you stay in school. But I won something from that. If someone could not pay their milk bill, the company had a policy that after three weeks, you stopped delivery. That was their policy. His policy was if they had children, he would never stop the milk. He can't be policy was. And many times he'd take money out of his own pocket and put and say they're making an effort to pay. Oh my gosh. So these were the examples that I saw, you know, by way of example, these were in speeches that were given to me. So it wasn't a situation where I was given a speech saying, do a and my parents did be, you know, never made the speech. All they did was they did. They did a I was thinking about. About your first day as a judge. And you have a story from that day, you're very first day that I think you tended to regret a little bit of something from that day. And I think it just goes to show you that you can learn lessons in life. If you don't handle things perfectly the first time to if you would mind sharing that story. My first down the court, I asked my dad if he would come down, you know, I'm a judge now, you know, I want my dad to see me up on the bench. Sure. And this moment came in. She had three or four kids. I'm not sure how many and she had traffic violations of somewhere around three to four hundred dollars. And she was the most arrogant person you can imagine. So she said, she's in the court. I'm trying to help her. She says, I just can't pay it. I'm not paying it. I don't have the money, you know. And the more I try to help with the more arrogance she became. And so then she became arrogant and I I became a little upset. And I find her the full fine. I gave her penalties. I gave her everything. And now the court is over and I'm so proud of myself. You know, my dad was there in my first day as a judge. And I was in my judges chambers and I said to the bail, bring my dad and police. I want to talk to him. So I'm more smiles. Dad, how did I do? He looked at me and he says, how did you do? He said, that woman, I said, what woman? The woman that had the three or four kids. He says, how could you do that? You can't do that to people. I said, she was so arrogant. She was rude. He said, she was scared. He said, do you know now that maybe she can't feed her kids tonight? Maybe she can't pay her rent. Maybe she can't pay one of her bills. They'll turn the electricity off. You can't treat people that way. You were brought up that way. That set the stage for my entire judgment. That first day on the bench with my dad giving me, giving me hell. If you always been humble or is this something you've had to work on? My dad would wake my brother and I up at four in the morning to help him on the milk truck. Yep. You would say, if you don't want to do this the rest of your life, you better stay in college. You better go to college. And then I saw how he treated people who couldn't pay their milk bill. Even though his company was a major company, with demand that after period of time, two or three weeks, if they didn't pay the bill that he was ordered to stop the milk, that was their rule. His rule was if they had children, he never stopped the milk. And many times he put money out of his own pocket and saying they're trying to pay. But he never gave me lessons in saying this is how you treat people and this is how you treat people. But he did it by way of example. So I lived that. I saw how my dad treated people. I saw how my mom treated people. She fed people that were hungry. So all of that was was the great learning experience for me. But it wasn't it wasn't a situation where I was sat down and said, OK, now, this is how you treat people. What makes a good life for you. A good life is service to others. That's a good life. Self-granddisman is not a good life. Personal wealth is not a good life. But treating others with respect and dignity and helping when you can. That's a good life. That's right to the point. When you're in court, there's some through lines that are common, not always, but poverty, addiction, trauma, stress. You've seen a lot of that. What do you think can break that cycle more powerfully than a courtroom or law can? Is there something that can break through those cycles? I've said earlier, the basic unit of society is the family unit. And that's where it all comes from. It's very difficult to be exposed as a youngster and early years of your life to be exposed and seeing certain behavior. You know, that's not not good. And then all of a sudden, you don't treat people that way. A greatest goal in life is to be of service to others. So many times people don't have that opportunity to have a loving house, a loving father, a loving mother, a loving grandparents, loving cousins. My mother was one of eight. My father was one of 10. I had over 40 cousins. I had 18 aunts and uncles. And I can say with all fear of contradiction that at any time I could walk into anybody else, my house or or uncles, houses, and say, I'm hungry and I get fed. And if I did say it was hungry, they'd ask me, are you hungry? That sounds like my family too. Is there something you as a little boy or a young man or early in your career believed that was important. That you no longer believe that if you change your mind about. I was sick of hearing people say, I keep my kids. I just can't control my kids. Even you can't control your kids. Then I get into a long conversation. How do you treat your kids? What do you do for them? Do you take them out? They ask how they're feeling. They spend special time with them. Do you take the Fenway Park? Do you do all of this stuff? That's what family life is all about. Showing love. It's not enough to say to your kids before you go to bed and they love you. And they're in the day ignoring them. It's all in that personal relationship. I grew up knowing that no matter what the circumstances and life were, they make any difference what they were. That if I was in trouble, my father would be there. I knew that. My mother as well. I never was at that point into that way. I was going to say I think the disintegration of the family unit is the sin of this country. Guys, I think you're right. How do you want to be remembered? I'm not going to be remembered as someone that helped other people. Simply, what a big going speech. Someone who helped others. It took me those in need. He was shot eight times at point blank range in kind of a gang situation that took place that he was not a part of just a random active violence and he survived that and it really transformed his life. I find out the story which blew my mind. I was a musician in my former life. I was a professional musician and this was a night where we had just finished a rehearsal and I was in a hotel and I walked out to go to the store. I had these guys that approached me and it came right out of the bushes and got said, what are you doing out here? And I said, I'm just chilling man. And in a split second, he pulled out a 45 pointed straight at me and shot me. Oh my god. I fell to the ground. My gosh. And he stood right over to me and pointed it pointed to go straight down to me. He said, you got to roll out. He said, peace out with me. And then he shot me seven more times. And so at that point, I did realize I was getting shot and that's when I saw an angel right in front of me. Just a transparent figure. Angel had his arms crossed like this and every bullet that was coming out of that 45 caliber. He pointed at me was it was like it was going through the angel first. I remember putting my hand up and I'm trying to stop people. I'm like, help, help. At nobody stopped. No one stopped. Get on the curve. And I said, I'm going to say, I think I'm a guy right here. I found out later that I was picked at random and they were doing a gang initiation for one of the guys in their gang. And so they picked me at random chose me that night. Me to take my life. So I'm laying there on the street. And I'm scared. I'm thinking that no one is going to know how my life ended right now. That's what I was thinking. I was thinking, I won't be able to tell my mom, I love her. I won't be able to tell my brother and sister that I love them. I'm going to lose my life on this street right now for what? Why? Why is it that of everything you're telling me one of the parts that turns my stomach the most is the laughter. Yeah. After they've believed they've killed a man. Did that linger with you afterwards as you're healing just did it. The reality is that I'm not the only one who has experienced traumatic event. There are people that have been through horrific things. You don't have to go through something like me and a shot. You shot with depression shot with anxiety just because I got shot. It doesn't make me any different from the other person we've all been through. So very heavy things. It takes time for everybody. Yeah. I don't know if I believe that anyone can fully be healed from all of the traumatic things they go through. You can find a sense of peace and you can find some freedom. But it's our humanity that still have moments where we're broken. Sure. That's how I feel about our spirits and our emotions is that they can fluctuate. We can change. We can have good days, bad days. But the one thing we can hold on to is God's promises through it all. I would say that I am healing. Like I'm moving towards healing every day. I don't think I've reached a pinnacle though. Had I met you before you were shot? Were you this guy? Were you different? No. I was completely different. I was just lost. I was searching for purpose in the industry. Do you have faith in God before that? I have faith. But I didn't have faith. As you know, you can go to church or you can believe in God. That doesn't mean that you're actually following. Was there a point where you're like, okay, I'm kind of back and how long was that? It was probably about a year. Have you forgiven them? I have today. Wow. Back then, I didn't. And it held me down for so many years. It plunged me into some extreme darkness. So I don't want to skip this part because that's part of my journey too is that I came out of the hospital, really dependent on painkillers and pain medicine and had no idea that I was becoming dependent on it. Wow. How'd you get out of the addiction? I tried everything. I would go to rehabs. I would go to treatment centers. Serious. Yeah. I didn't know that. The bondage of addiction held me for so long. It was six years. Six years of darkness. I realized after the fact that me not being able to forgive those people who shot me was another big part of why I was never able to find my freedom and why I failed so many times. Because I held that bitterness in my heart. And I was like, I'm not forgiving them. I finally reached that level forgiveness. And I just became broken. I said, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be free. And I went to this one year treatment program in a year. That's a win to this treatment center for one year. And I fell down to my knees in a small little chapel service. And that's the moment I felt everything shift. And I felt the Lord coming to my heart. And I was never the same after that moment. I felt the chains come off of me of trying and trying all these years to be clean. And it was different. And I think the different part was, is I asked God to help me. I said, I was like, Jesus, I want you to set me free. I said, I can't do this anymore. To other times, I was asking the therapist to help me or this person help me. There's nothing wrong with that. But I needed more. I needed Jesus and therapy. And I was 16 years ago. And I've been clean ever since and free. It went from pain pills to heroin to it was bad. It's almost impossible for people to get off of that. But I got off of it. And through my failures, after failure, after failure is where I found that freedom. Whether you may have the greatest story I've ever flipping heard. I mean, I'm serious. You found God not when you got shot. Yeah. You actually, well, he was there. Yeah, he was there. But it was like there was a full embrace. Yeah. An actual intimate relationship. Yeah, it was a process. I was able to say that because I know so many people struggle with addiction to many things. It could be gambling. It could be any life control issue. It's not just drugs. Yeah. And you can't see it. People can be successful. They can do everything and make money and do all these things and still be broken on the inside. I stated that treatment center for four more years. What did you just say? People thought I was crazy. Wait, so you went through a year program in the state four years. And then I felt so strongly that I needed to help other people. It was one on one 40 50 guys in the program at a time coming through there completely broken addicted to things lost homeless all of that. And I stayed on as a staff member to help no pay, no anything to help people think about how amazing God is. Who to thought in the moment that you're being shot eight times in the chest? You go, okay, that's when it changes. Then you go through this six year abyss into drug addiction and heroin and all that other stuff. Then you stay there another four years afterwards and that somehow God's going to pick that guy to reach me through social media through his faith post. And then I invite you to sit here today and you're now going to bless millions more people. Isn't it there should be so many people listening to go legitimately anything is possible if I keep getting up, if I keep pursuing my dream, if I... And in this case, the lesson for you, I believe, is going to be through God. But it's so you know, we talk a lot on this show often about health and energy, vitality, strength, wellness. 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Just unbelievable the ripple effects of decisions we make in our life and the impact we make I'm going to grab a camera. I'm going to say let me bless you today. It's a scripture of some type. I'm wondering what compels you to start doing that. What made you think I know what I'll do now. I just said I need to tell my story. I think I'm ready. Just like even coming on this podcast for some I think it's time and I try to be obedient to those moments in that delay. And I just put that camera up in there and I just told my story. I needed to know script know anything I just share my story from the heart and got used that story to just reach people all over the world put it up on tick tock and I had no followers I remember it zero. And I put it up and the someone called me a few days later is like hey your testimonies I never even open the app again check on it and they're like your testimony is everywhere. I opened it up and millions of people have seen it and that was how everything started me sharing hope to help other people was through my brokenness. Do you ever feel like I'm not qualified to be doing this all the time. I should be like someone like Craig all the time when I feel it every day. And I feel it because I'm the guy that was expelled from high school. I'm the guy who just has a GD. I'm the guy who got in all types of trouble who was a drug addict. I'm the least and only through guys grace and his power. He allows me to even sit in positions like this. So yeah, I walk with that realizing I feel that and I have to actually put those thoughts to the side when I'm about to do things just like this and say like you know you God created you to do this. He introduced you to Ed to be able to do this even in motorcycle that I have those thoughts might you're not supposed to be here. You're not supposed to be here like you're not supposed to be always people to written 20 30 books and all these things. And I'm like God's like you are supposed to be there because one person needs to hear this today way more than one needs to hear this today. And you absolutely belong here. I feel extremely blessed to be in this conversation again. I know that people out there go through horrific things. So for some people to even get to my step would be very difficult to get to. But for me, I can remember it now and be grateful because that's the whole reason why I'm sitting here today. That's why Roman's 828 is one of my favorite scriptures that says that all things God is working together for the good. It's not something. It's even the most terrible horrific things. God can still pull squeeze like a little bit of good out of that even though it's extremely hurtful even though it's extremely painful. That's something that I can stand on and believe with all my heart. Gosh, you're a remarkable brother. I would say there's more in you. You may not be able to see it right now. You have pressure hitting you from every direction. Your back is completely against the wall. You've cried yourself to sleep each night. You don't even know how you're going to make it. But Luke 137 says with God all things are possible. If you just hold on and take one more step, just keep going. One more. One more. You'll see that God has had you in his hand all along. He's never left you. That's not easy to hear when you're in the middle of a battle, though. So I do acknowledge that you could be in a storm that is crazy. You're like, where is God? And I don't feel him here. But that's our humanity. We all feel other things. We're like roller coasters. But it doesn't change. God's love for us never changes even when we're in our darkest moments and he's right there. God, that's so good. God had his hand on you as you're laying in that street crawling out of the middle of the street trying to reach your phone. He was with you, even though maybe in those moments, we don't always know that. Right? Or when you fall down and you can't walk and you got a colossomy bag, right? Then all of a sudden you're addicted to drugs. He was with you when you were shooting heroin. Yes. He was with you all those times. You tried to get clean because everybody thinks that he's not with you when you're in your dark. I was like, I got to get to the low moments. That's not true. He was right there with me. Like you're going to get it. You're going to get off of this eventually. Like you're going to be okay. But that's the message I tell to anyone that is feeling like, look I'm in this. How do I get out? Where is he? Where? How can I keep going? You got you have it in you. Like you literally have it right here. Diabobus is greater as he does in you. So like you have the power. You literally have the power to overcome anything if you believe it. It's like you have to literally say I can do this. That's the first step. If it all works as dead, like there has to be something here. It's like I want to take some action. What do you believe about leadership now that you didn't use to believe? Most people don't want to be led. And most people don't want to be leaders. And so those who want to be led and those who want to be leaders have an unfair advantage. Are you supposed to think, oh people, people want to be led. You know, they want to be part of something that is important. But what I've learned in psychology and high performance is it is true. Most people want a meaningful pursuit. And most people want fellowship on that meaningful pursuit. Now a lot of people, they actually really want to be independent in their striving. It's my it's my own is my biggest five words in all of leadership training. And that is people support what they create. What this means is they need to be part of creating that vision more than ever. They need to have autonomy and how to go after that thing more than ever. I know every leader is listening right now. Every leader has had that person who was quietly quitting. Every person has had that person who's disengage, detached, not part of it. And my first question ever is like tell me how involved they were in determining where to go and how to go. Because if they got to create that and be part of that conversation, that dialogue, that discussion, those decisions, then they're like, I'm all in. I got skin in the game. If they didn't, they're like, yeah, dude, stop bossing me around. It's got to sell a big enough dream that the dreams of everybody within your stewardship, they see their dream fitting inside the one you're selling. That really works when the leader has this long term vision. Most leaders right now, they can't see a year or two out because of AI and technology and politics and the pace of change. And so it has to be more collaborative and creative together today than it ever has been before. I think it becomes much more conversational and much more in the moment versus like huge visions. We're going on shorter term quests together. There's a system in place or a way of going about doing that that might be also meeting these modern times. The general rule is the less creative you need to be, the less you need to meet or strategize. So if the strategy is clear, the path is clear, the method is clear, the process is clear, you don't have to meet that much. But if things are shifting and changing quite a bit, the more dynamic it is, the more discussion needed to calibrate. You're saying business now today is play by play because of the way things are changing and evolving. That's really good. And so each day, it's not just about strategy and process and structure. Each day, you have to emotionally enroll people more than you ever did. The more dynamic it is. It's like, it used to be, it's like, hey guys, here's the script. Here's a thousand phone numbers. Go rock it. You can't do that now. You got to have stand-up meetings. You got daily debriefs. And a lot of that is more of the emotional enrollment to keep people engaged in processes today. Because most things are kind of boring versus what they can go home with their video games, their phone. So that human interaction and that dynamic thing, I'm just here to say leaders, you probably have to engage people more than you think you do, on a more emotional level and more consistently, the more dynamic and change is happening. Most leaders underestimate how much your job is to carry what I call the emotional load of your company, your business. You're family. This is a huge thing. I think historically through business, average leaders underestimate the amount of emotional load you're supposed to be carrying because it is just day-to-day process stuff. I think that that is more important than in relationships and leadership than it ever has been before. People are not responsible for their energy today. They're very detached. They're very judgmental. They're very narcissistic. They're very critical and cynical. And I don't judge any of those things. Those happen to all of us. I think it's just a matter of people to understand how much energy transference really does happen. So it's always going to work or we've just always done it that way. That's like the death of a company over the next five years, isn't it? A leader thinking we've always done it this way or that's always worked, that legacy thinking you're going to die as a company in the AI era. Correct? Agreed. Agreed. I think that we all operated in a time when intelligence was ours and our team. And competence was the most valued thing. Now everybody on their pocket has the world's intelligence and autonomous intelligence. So with AI, you know, the kid in this state, in this town over here, they can all beat your competence now. And so now you think, okay, what competence really matters in the future? So autonomy is being really commercialized with AI. Competence in terms of actual intelligence, the ability for an intelligent thing to do something. Well, we're automating AI with agents and we're entering the AGI world. Intelligence is outside of humans now. Adaptability is like constant now. People who don't like change are really going to hate the next five years. They're going to hate it. Everything will shift except that human thing, that relatedness, generating a new and faithful, compassionate, kind, generous way of dealing with other people. That's the thing that is actually primarily valued in the future. Your wealth in the future is your health and energy, your mastery of your inner world and the quality of your relationships and leadership. Everything else AI can handle so many of us grind and we work and we had that consistent hard discipline that is really celebrated particularly in personal development, more of the high performance realm or the peak performance realm like the ability to go hard, the ability to give maximum focus attention, effort towards something and just win. But win is often tied to outcomes and win is often tied to the process of the discipline. How hard is it if I can endure the hardship I'm winning? But I also think the real winning is can you enjoy it? Can you enjoy the discipline? Can you enjoy the outcome? And my phrase is can you teach yourself to feel the day even as you are working hard, even if you are grinding, even if it is grit, even if it's so difficult, can you actually feel it, sense it, internalize it, integrate it, dance with it. And believe you can do busy work and you can do your life's work and you can do all this but energetically if you had more days where you felt it and there was a sense of satisfaction, joy, fulfillment, but also playfulness. You don't win the game of life unless you play and I think most people they're playing the game they're making all the moves all day long but they're grit and their teeth on the chessboard versus like smiling and hopping. And he's right. You're not supposed to just grind your teeth through your entire freaking life as you acquire, accumulate and conquer. There's a way to do both. You're not going to enjoy every moment because if you enjoyed every moment you're really not enjoying any moment because there should be contrast to life. There is no fellowship without energy. There is no love without energy. These things ride on the back of the energy that you bring. There's that brotherhood in a like a deeper fellowship because of the energy. And I think that's what's important. That's what's going to define the future. So good brother. For me time is the most important currency at the stage of my life. And actually measure time in the amount of moments, the amount of experiences that you have people that you care about that moment that you're referencing which I opened the book with was a conversation that I had with an old friend in May of 2021. And at the time I had spent the first seven years of my career marching down the most traditional path towards a quote unquote successful life. I was chasing all the things that everyone tells you you should want to chase the status, the things and I was getting them I was actually winning that game if you will. But unfortunately along that path all these other things in my life had started to suffer. My relationships had started to show cracks. I was not seeing at all my relationship with my sister unfortunately had ground to a halt. I was drinking six seven nights a week. I had gotten so narrowly focused on the one thing of making money of accumulating status as the path to me feeling successful to me feeling happy. And that all came to a head for me in May of 2021. I went out for a drink with this old friend. It had started to get difficult living so far away from my parents who were on the East Coast. We were living in California 3000 miles away and they were getting older. It was the first time in my life as a young person that I had started to notice them slowing down their health wasn't perfect anymore. And he asked how old they were and I said mid 60s and he asked how often I saw them and I said once a year at that point. And he just looked at me and said, okay, so you're going to see your parents 15 more times before they die. Hit me like a ton of bricks. The idea that the amount of time you have left with the people you care about most in the world is that finite and countable. You can literally put it onto a few hands that just shook me to the core. And in that moment, I realized that if something didn't change, we were going to end up in a place where we didn't want to be. You are actually much more in control of your time than you think. We had taken an action done one thing and that number 15 had turned into the hundreds. My parents are a huge part of my son, their grandson's life now. I see them multiple times a month. So we had taken an action and actually created time and that realization, you just start living differently when you realize that you were in more control of your time. You are not a passive taker of time. You can actually go and make it. So what would you say to somebody who's listening to this? They haven't amassed well. They haven't amassed career accolades. They haven't created something. And they have this desire to do it. But now having heard you, they're afraid it's going to cost them their family. There are a lot of people out there who buy traditional measures of wealth money have been told that they are not doing so well. And in a more comprehensive definition, I would argue that they are really doing great in life. Take a bigger picture look at your life. Don't allow the world to tell you how you're doing. You get to decide. You get to run your own race in life. You don't have to compare yourself to everyone else's race. That's the first thing. The second thing I would say is that your life has seasons. And what you prioritize or focus on during any one season can and should change. You may have a season when you really want to lean into building financial wealth, building that foundation. And during that season, it's okay for that to be all the way turned up. But these other areas importantly have to exist on dimmer switches, not on off switches. The traditional wisdom has told you that if you're going to focus on one thing, everything else gets shut off. And that is a terrible way to live because for a lot of these areas, if you leave the light switch turned off for too long, you can never turn it back on. The word later just becomes another word for never because those things won't exist in the same way later. Your kids are not going to be five years old later. Your partner won't be there for you later. If you aren't there for them now, your health won't magically be there later. You won't wake up with freedom and purpose later. You either design those things into your life in some tiny way now or you end up regretting it later. The last thing. So you know how when you're doing something that's good for you and then you stop doing it all of a sudden you feel what the heck changed. So here's what happened to me. I've been feeling great for like a year and a half. It's because I've been on I am eight. Then we moved to our place in Maine and I didn't bring my supplement with me. 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In all of these areas of life the reason the idea of a dimmer switch is so important is because anything above zero compounds. Anything above zero compounds in your life the point is you don't want it to be off off atrophies and you're going to that world of never. But if you do a tiny daily action in these other areas you can stack and compound wins but we self improvement focus people ambitious people allow optimal to get in the way of beneficial. So we say I don't have an hour to work out so I'm just not going to work out today. I don't have two hours for deep works. I'm going to do emails today instead of working and that is the worst mentality you can have because again the five minute walk is better than nothing. The 10 minutes of deep work on the one focus project is better than nothing anything above zero compounds. I really think that the single most important thing that people can do to build their mental wealth. Think day which is once a month get out of your normal headspace don't go to your office or your house go to a new coffee shop go outside do something take an hour. And just go with a handful of question prompts that force you to zoom out on your life if you were the main character in a movie of your life what would the audience be screaming at you to do right now. Think about it you are that main character in the movie of your life right now and there is something blindingly obvious from the outside looking in that you are either choosing to ignore or that you have yet to create the perspective to actually see in your life. So what is it. It's very difficult to make life altering decisions in your current environment and space that is facilitating and supporting that current lifestyle and way of thinking you agree with that. People underestimate how much environment impacts thought patterns when you are in a familiar environment you are going to have familiar thought patterns you are going to just find evidence that confirms the current story you are telling yourself is there something tactically you do in your schedule. The reality is we make time and we create energy for the things we truly care about you have to actually structure them into your life have seen evidence over and over again in my own life and in the lives of some of the highest performers I've spent time with. That outcomes follow energy when you lean into the things that create energy in your life you generate the ten hundred thousand X outcomes that create the step function changes in your life that applies personally and professionally. What is this ABC formula I know what it is but I want you to explain to them and why is it so important to intentionally create this new habit very few people tell you how to be consistent they just tell you that it's important and the ABC system is a pathway to actually being consistent because it relies on the idea that I said earlier which is that anything above zero compounds you need to hold yourself to the fire in the act but give yourself grace in the amount. So for any given system that you're trying to build any given new habit set an eagle a beagle and a seagull and then hit one of those levels every single day when you feel great hit the eagle when you feel okay hit the beagle and when all hell breaks loose just hit the seagull because anything above zero compound. Reminds me of the dimmer effect keep the dimmer on I fundamentally believe that the concept of balance has been hijacked you've been told that balance is about having a perfect blend on a daily basis of life and health and relaxation and work and that if your days don't look perfectly balanced you're all screwed up and you need to get stressed and anxious about the fact that you're unbalanced. The reality is that balance is much more about the seasons than the days you are going to have seasons of unbalanced that are in service of a future season of balance you actually had the courage to make a decision ago that is no longer my dream is there anything is at this razor's concept that you would impart to somebody in addition to what we've talked about where they go it's okay to not continue to chase this thing that doesn't fulfill you anymore what we're talking about here is fundamentally the pure victory. The pure victory which is the idea of the victory that comes at such a steep cost to the victor that it might as well have been a defeat you have to ask yourself in your own life is that actually a game that I care to win or is the game that I care to win the mountain that I care to climb completely different than what I've been told is the successful mountain speed obsessed culture and society everything is about how fast can you go from here to here and as you get older and as you zoom out on your life you are going to be able to get a good job. You recognize that life is much more about direction than speed it's so much more important to climb slowly up the right mountain than to climb fast up the wrong one over and over and see people make that mistake when you measure the right things you can start taking the right actions you make decisions in line with that bigger picture measurement so you can win the battle you can make money you can do well you can achieve your ambitions but you can also make sure you're winning the bigger picture war. All of the things that are read about me when I get introduced to speak are all things that I thought I wanted when I was younger and now when they're read their meaningless to me and almost embarrassing flash forward 25 years from now and they're reading your bio out and you've achieved these things you think you want right now I can tell you from personal experience the best thing you could say when you introduce me is this is a good man of faith a good dad a good brother a good husband a good person a good friend. So what about that with involving family in these decisions in your work I think it's so important to have your family be a part of the mission that you are on and what I think is so important there is this realization I've had that strong relationships are built on two pillars high expectations and high support high expectations is to say I have very high expectations for the level at which you can perform but also high support meaning I am willing to lift you up on my shoulders to go and meet those expectations. High expectations without high support manifests as resentment but when the two come together in concert it creates the most incredible bonds in life. What would your dad tell me about you I think my dad would tell you that he is proud that I am becoming the man that I want to be the man that I want to be not the man that he wants me to be but the man that I want to be. So what about the importance of the financial piece of it and what would you just speak to that I very explicitly in the book wanted to avoid this coming off as saying money is nothing money isn't nothing it simply can't be the only thing above that level money needs to become a tool not the goal my mental model for thinking about that fundamentally comes down to something very simple which is making money has been over complicated the way you make money is by creating value for the world. You should say I want to get rich in the next year you should say I want to create an enormous amount of value for other people in the next year and as a result of that you will make money I guarantee it I was in my office and I was working on something for this book launch so focused really locked in and my son two and a half year old barges into my office door and just starts knocking things over terrorizing my office two and a half year old and I started having this whole train of thought very negative complaining why is he in here why is he doing this so much. I'm in here why is he doing this doesn't he see I'm working doesn't he know that I'm trying to focus and in that moment I paused and I snap myself back to five years ago when my wife and I were struggling to conceive for two years I had prayed every single night that we would one day have a healthy child and complaining about the exact thing that I had prayed for sometimes in life the things you pray for become the things that you complain about if you let them if you don't. force yourself to pause to stop to recognize that sometimes you are quite literally living out your prayers. Oh you finished with me on that one bro that's the best story of the entire interview you sold companies worth how much over a hundred million you think last company I sold for two hundred and thirty five million that's all that's it. What are you going to do so you got a big busy life why would you step in and start writing books and telling people how to do all this stuff why do you decide to do that. I mean to be honest it's actually probably because of my four kids I think that in today's world we're taught that we want to be perfect and we want to do everything right I actually built my entire career on all of the mistakes I made. So what was the hardest part do you think it's the sleepless nights it's what nobody seems behind the scenes it's when I'm exhausted I've done sixteen hour days you run up you can't make payroll it's when something terrible happens in the company. And you think this is it and you're just they're alone yeah I mean it's the worst that is what it feels like you feel alone a lot alone yes you do even when you have people working with you because as the leader you carry the emotional burden of the company. Yeah an entrepreneurship you think is hard but you never expect it to be that lonely but now your life was it worth it. Oh 100% right. Oh yes if I could tell my younger self how great my life would turn out I wouldn't have believed it. Yeah. What's the best part the freedom freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time to invest in new entrepreneurs to inspire other people to live the life of their dreams and not having to worry so much about little things. I think being wealthy maybe slightly overrated but I think being broken poor which we've both been as way harder than then even you think when you're young. I think when I was young and first starting out I was waiting to feel 100% ready yeah I think everyone does and probably people listening right now they're waiting to feel that they've got the perfect website they got the perfect pitch they got the perfect social media. Once you realize it will never be perfect and just having the courage to take action is the key to success I think anyone out there is thinking I have a secure job you don't. Right. You just don't the only thing that secure is whatever you can create. Originally I just thought if I could just make a million dollars yeah me too. Like I just won million I will call it a day and live my life on the beach in Hawaii. That's what I know. What you realize is and even now because I've starting new companies all the time I love the love of the game. There you go. I know it's so much fun to play. Yeah I'm actually a fear based entrepreneur like I think I've done I've spent more of my life moving away from what I didn't want sometimes like I was afraid to be broke I was afraid of not being able to eat. Your fear was like a paralyzing fear. Yeah well fear where you just can't even move right. That's really yeah think that if you have something so traumatic happen where you are lose your job or lose your you know your security or your identity you're so afraid to make the same mistake. Yeah. And so overcoming that and understanding that mistakes are essential to success and if you don't try like that's the only real failure. Was there a massive failure at one point where you're like this is a biggie and I think this just did me in. Is there any moments like that in your career? Oh my gosh. I mean listen I've had so many failures at this point looking back I think the first company that I'd worked for that failed and I had called all my friends to come work for me because I told them they're going to be dot com millionaires. Yeah. And then they had a fire them all and they many wouldn't talk to me that that not hurt. I even think long term planning may be a bizarre concept nowadays because of the way the world's turning and you say one of your mistakes was not pivoting enough soon enough like which one was it. I think not pivoting fast enough. Yeah. Probably 150 companies 99% of them have pivoted at least once if not more right in the world of AI right now if we were going to teach our children something or any entrepreneur listening to this the adaptability flexibility flexibility we don't know what's going to happen the world's going to move twice as fast. But your mental state of being able to adapt be flexible change with the environment will be the key to your success. You better be flexible you better be pivoting you better know what's going on you better be fluid and if you run a company with a bunch of bureaucracy that can't make decisions pretty quickly like a small company. You're in big trouble in business. If your small company the great news is you can be nimble the challenges do you have the mindset to be nimble right and to embrace technology because a lot of people are like oh AI like guys it's here it's coming and we need to embrace it as part of the world. So you can do a market pivot you can do a product pivot you can do a pricing pivot and then you could do a competitor pivot every single company out there their pivoting quickly. It's speed that makes a huge difference too if it doesn't work pivot again. What would you say to somebody who's listening like I do have this perfect addiction if they're trying to achieve perfection they will not achieve greatness. So the only way to become very successful is to embrace the mistakes I'm a 20 year tech entrepreneur now I'm in beauty I'm in beverage I'm in web three I am all over the map learning new industries as fast as I can because it makes me a better more rounded intelligent investor as well as operator. How many years did you spend struggling as an entrepreneur just first would you say I would say I spent first three years at my kitchen table alone where literally every person thought I was not. Would you sit wherever you are your basement your kitchen table for three years without any hope or sign that it's going to work out. There's no indication you're right. No indication that it's going to work isn't that the big thing your belief has to be greater than everyone else's doubt in you. Oh, that's good. It has to be because the critics the naysayers I mean the dream killers they're going to come and tell you why your idea won't work and you have to be willing to say and have the conviction why it will. It's hard right. It's hard. It's hard. It's it I think business is the most competitive difficult sport in the world I really do because what separates you isn't giftedness like if you're six nine and you can three 60 win mill dunk you could play defensive end in the NFL I guess that's a little tall but you know what I'm saying like yeah but in the business it's like it's not really necessarily birth talent oriented. It's a 365 day sport. Yeah, there's no off season for business. It's an every day 24 or seven because you want to be average do what average people do you want to be successful do what successful people do and they're out there hustling. I love your intensity. No one sees how hard you worked for so long. I mean this is a 20 year overnight success right. Yeah. And I think that's really important. So if you're willing to pay the price which is a lot of missed everything. Yeah. And I think that's it at the end. My life is incredible. I feel incredibly blessed but that came with a lot of you know a lot of cost and like cost you can't see cost that I'm sure so many women right now we're going through in terms of just trying to balance it all. I think just recognizing that's really important so it's really important for any entrepreneur out there. If you like the problem you're solving and you like who you're solving it with and if you say no to one of those two questions do something else. It's outstanding. I'd say if I can do it you can do it too. And I think having been there at my kitchen table with no sign or no hope and at rock bottom I have no money. I max out all my credit cards. I can loan for my grandma and everyone thinks I'm crazy. Okay. Yes. But fast forward I've had multiple exits and I was able to make that dream a reality but I think again it goes back to also adapting with the market don't just be so be clear on where you're going but how you get from a to Z could look totally different from where you are today. And so I think it's really important. Z I know I'm going Z I have no idea. A B could go E G you know I'm saying like be flexible. Yeah. It's one person to make a bet on you. Yeah. So you can just be that one person to change like that domino effect. This has been so good. So good. You say anxiety is really overestimating the threat. Yeah. And I think you said underestimating your ability to deal with it. Just let that settle for a second and then I'll let you elaborate. Yeah definitely a lot of this has to do with our capacity. We are tea bags. We don't know how strong we are until we're in hot water. We get older. We constantly facilitate a life where we want things to be as easy as possible. Conveniences you know. Have food delivered to us everything on the nap on our phone and we don't realize that comes at the expense of our resilience. And as a resilience goes down we don't think we can handle things and then things in life happen. AKA 2020 and all of a sudden everything that we thought was going to be one way is definitely not. And then we get a chance to see how resilient and how strong we can actually be. And what we're doing is we're over estimating these dangers and we're underestimating our ability to deal with it is because the signal that we're getting is everything is dangerous. But the definition of danger to our survival brain is like is it new? Does it remind me of something that hurt me in the past? Is it unfamiliar? Is it just going to be hard work? It's amazing that we're having mental health conversations, but we've swung the pendulum so far the other way. The now mental health has become this excuse to avoid hard things. It's an excuse to avoid hard people. We treat our mental health like this is delicate flower. That we have to protect it. And it's like no our mental health is like our physical health. It is here to protect us. Our piece is a muscle. Our piece doesn't need to be protected from other people. And our resilience is us training our mental health so we can deal with the BS that's definitely going to find us in the outside world. That's an interesting perspective because you're right. That's actually preparation and training to make you more resilient towards anxiety in the future. Absolutely. So instead of just dismissing, oh that person is a narcissist. I got to stay away from them. This person is toxic. Because what we might be saying is this person is challenging the way I communicate, the way I live, the way I exist. So I need to step up my game. I need to be uncomfortable. We have to do hard things on purpose. It gets stronger, both physically and mentally. You really can't think your way out of anxiety. You have to physically take action. I think when anxiety strikes most people, at least like me, I just start thought looping. But that just elevates the level of stress and anxiety in my body. I think actually harms my ability to deal with it. So overthinking is believing our intuition doesn't work. The situation happens. Your intuition is whispering to you what you need to do. Most likely it's going to be hard. So then your brain is like, ooh this is uncomfortable. So let me create this thought loop, which will trick me into thinking that I'm solving a problem when I'm really doing nothing. Because one thing that we don't enjoy is uncertainty. It's a protective mechanism that we have. Because when we have these anxious feelings, we want to soothe them. And generally the three ways that we soothe our anxious feelings is through distracting, medicating, or avoiding. This is our body trying to protect us because our body is responsible for protecting us. But it's not responsible for figuring out what the danger is. So what happens is a new situation happens. Our body is told you're in danger and it goes into protection mode. What we have to do is the work to train the body. Like this doesn't count as danger. The body has to catch up to the brain. The only way to address that is to keep doing it. This is how acting through anxiety works. It's not you got to act through it once. If you don't go to the gym after for two years, the atrophy bills, you got to get back into the swing of things. And when it comes to this, the overthinking is our brains way of tricking us and tricking itself to think, oh, we're solving this problem by constantly revisiting it and creating new problems. A great definition of anxiety is, anxiety is when your intelligence is growing faster than your courage. Instead of using the imagination for curiosity, which is courage in disguise, it uses the imagination for judgment. Oh, that might go wrong. That might go wrong. This is the reason not to do it. That's exactly what we do, especially as adults. Overachievers probably have this perclivity more than maybe even everybody else. Absolutely. What's a thing you've been doing for yourself, an actual tactic you've been using to like, okay, here's all I'm going to deal with this right now. Instead of saying, I'm anxious, say, I feel anxious because and then finish that sentence. And we start labeling these things, not realizing that these labels or these diagnoses are the beginning of the journey, not the ending. And it's this idea that our identity and our value was based on this external thing. And that's the first thing that we have to address, that I am not my achievements. Most of the people that actually matter in my life don't care about my achievements at all. You may have to put that in your hyper organized schedule, an hour of doing nothing. And maybe a reminder, I'm a human being. I'm not a human doing. I'm just here to be. We forgot that life is trial and error. Error is not failure. And my happiest moment is when I get to be present, where I am. And all I'm encouraging is to say, hey, I know you want to feel better. A lot of the ways that we're currently feeling better are just temporary. We're just hitting snooze on the alarm. Let's go ahead and permanently address the things that are making us feel uncomfortable. So we don't have to revisit those anymore. And instead we can revisit the next thing. Well, I'm not here to promise you a life without anxiety. I'm here to promise you a relationship, a better relationship with your emotions. Anxiety being the most misunderstood one. I think for a lot of people listening to this, social media has flipped a little bit from being this place of information and inspiration to it's just a lot that creates this wrong feeling in your body. So what would you say about that? Get off of it or no, because the promise of the book is reframe it. Throw your phone in the pool, throw it in the ocean. With everything, not just social media, everything is a great idea and tell us not. As I said, judgment is the language of fear. There's no safe space for empathy and nuance on social media. People are fighting for attention. The way to the best get attention is to say polarizing things, say violent things, to say things that we're going to need jerk reaction. It really is a slot machine where you're just continually pulling it. And it's also the exact same formula of an abusive relationship. If anybody ever wants to know why someone goes back to an abuser, ask yourself why you keep going back to your phone. Because it sucks most of the time, but when it's good, it's so good. And you don't know when it's going to be good. And us as a species, we love unanticipated rewards. Just like slot machines, just like abusive relationships, just like our phone. The truth of the matter is it's sous anxious feelings temporary again. It hits the snooze button on it. But with every addiction, you can't get enough of it and it almost works. If you feel despair, you kind of correlate despair to the belief that you've run out of options, which you and I both believe is a lie. If not, I will take away your anxiety because you don't want me to take away your anxiety. Anxiety is a superpower when used right. I will take away your despair around anxiety. And I'm defining despair as feeling hopeless because you don't have options. And it's like, well, here I'm about to give you 50 extra options. And that's what's important here. The despair is a lack of options. There always are more options. And the first step is to talk to people and ask what are my options. Even go on chat Gbt if you have to and just be like, hey, this is what I'm dealing with. What are my options? Because what chat Gbt and AI is doing is filling in the gap that happened again. With this pendulum swing, where now the business model of our therapist or physical therapist, their business model requires them to listen and just listen. Meanwhile, our friends don't listen and just keep offering solutions. So now you go to a friend with your problem. Your friend is not qualified, but they care about you. We always want to make the right decision. You pretty much threw out and you said it as a question. Like, what if any decision you make was right? Don't worry about making the right decision. Worry about making the decision right. Bam. And that gives you so much more control, which is like, look, we're here. Radalio always says it's not your 10,000 hours that makes you a master. It's your 10,000 trial and errors. And we are so afraid of the errors, but the errors are what paves our successes. Look, what if they're all right? And you start to realize they are all right. Because we have the ability to make them right. And this goes back to the overthinking. overthinking is believing our intuition doesn't work. Because we're assuming we own a crystal ball and we just know what's going to happen. And as I listen, you live with yourself. You are your best friend. Your intuition does not have to be perfect, but know what's on your team. Trust it. Follow it. Because you're strengthening a relationship with yourself, which is the most important relationship you'll ever have. Every single person listening to this show is at some form of fear of missing out on something else. And that creates a ton of anxiety. It definitely does create a lot of anxiety. And I call it, you know, trying to go from FOMO to JOMO. So, in the fear of missing out to the joy of missing out, we can't train ourselves out of it. We can't. We can only recognize it. And one of the best ways I believe that we can address some of this FOMO is to go deep into figuring out our values. So often, we're spending so much time because we combine the anxious feelings around FOMO with our anxious feelings to fit in. So now we're trying to, we're putting ourselves in places that we don't even belong just because we don't want to feel left out. And that's where we start getting these concepts like social anxiety. Everybody is a social butterfly if they're in the right garden. Going back to this idea of self-awareness, it's, what you're asking to do is observe yourself. That's also my definition of surrender. I'm saying just take a step back and watch what's happening. Not with judgment, with curiosity. As I'm going to say, this curiosity is courage in disguise. Judgment is the language of fear. You can't be curious and judgmental at the same time. So just observe these things as they come. Reinforce the triggers that make you feel great and address and face the triggers that don't make you feel so good because they're teaching you about yourself. We prepare ourselves for challenges. We're better equipped when challenges find us. So definitely lean into your positive triggers. Definitely face the negative triggers when you're in a good place. Feeling anxious isn't a weakness. We're not here to fix anxiety because we're not broken. We are all dealing with this. We all have anxious feelings towards what we don't know is going to happen tomorrow. So the antidote for a lot of the anxious feelings that we have is our unity. Real connection requires vulnerability. If you need something, you need it. And if you're not getting it and you're expressing that, somebody's dismissing you as needy, that's not the person you got to be around. An anxiety is not a condition that people need to solve. It's a normal signal in our body like hunger. Anxiety is a signal letting us know. And what we want to do is we want to improve our relationship. And especially if you have someone that you care about that you feel is struggling in this department, doing it together, that will by default add so many more options and you guys are sharing your earned wisdom. Remarkable conversations, everyone. Hope you get it and I hope you share this up. So God bless you. Max out your life.