E1124 - Ask Nick - He Wants To Meet Me In The Woods

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Don't forget, Vile Files Plus now offers ad-free episodes for all Vile Files episodes including Ask Nick, Reality Recap and Going Deeper Plus. If you love Ask Nick, you will absolutely love our Ask Nick updates where you get updates of your favorite calls, our deep dive on all your favorite Reality Recap TV shows and our pop culture roundup. Where we talk about all your favorite pop culture topics that we didn't get to in this week's episode plus deep dives on our Going Deeper Guest and so much more. All you have to do is go to Vile Files Plus and you will be lucky you did. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Brooke and I'm 31. I'm getting to know two guys and trying to decide which one to pursue. Or move forward with. Tell me about him. So Guy A reached out to me on hinge back in January, so a couple months ago and he was preemptively searching on hinge in my location knowing he was moving here end of February. So we were texting chatting until he moved here the end of February. And then we went on a couple dates. Things have been going really well. However, he is a wildland firefighter and so he prefaced our getting to know each other by like letting me know that he would be in and out of the area throughout the summer and the spring just depending on where he was assigned. And so he's been gone out of state on an assignment for like the last three weeks. And so contact there has waned a little bit, but he's been like really effusive over text message reiterated that he wants to get together again when he is back in town, which should be in like a week or two. But that's where things sit with him currently. And then Guy B was actually recommended to me by a co worker after I was complaining about the dating scene here. A couple co workers were like, Do you know this guy? I had heard of him just like through mutual friends. And so they made the connection. And I followed him on Instagram. And then I didn't message him, but he messaged me after my co worker then told him like, Hey, I told her she should reach out to you. I think you guys have a lot in common. You should connect. And so now we've been texting talking, we've been talking on the phone for probably three weeks now, really long phone calls. He does live on the other side of the state. So it's like a seven hour drive. But he works remotely and has the flexibility to kind of like move around the state. His job takes him around the state. And so we're actually supposed to meet up for the first time this weekend. Oh, so you haven't even met Guy too yet? No. Why do you feel like you need to decide right now between the two? I guess that is like part of my question is like, at what point do I need to decide to invest in one? I just want to be really intentional. And with my energy and not like wasting anyone's time. And so I'm wondering if I should just assume that's going to organically come together. But I find myself comparing the two. Always in the back of my mind, if I ask one question, then I think about the response the other one has given to that same question or would give. And so I'm just like playing mental ping pong as I'm talking to both of them. Okay. Well, that's normal. And that's okay. I mean, at least you're, you know, nowadays, like on dating apps, I think most people are just like have, you know, what feels like unlimited matches, you know, they match with 10 people and they got five conversations going. And it's just kind of like this very casual thing with like kind of zero intentionality. And it's just like, I don't think it's the end of the world for you to be like interested in two different men. And even though it's incredibly early, I mean, one of them you haven't met in person yet. And, and like in both scenarios, right, you got guy a, he's got this job that takes him away for periods of time, which slows things down for the two of you. Great that he's excited to see you again, you know, not to downplay his excitement at all, but you know, he's just he's up in the hills fighting fires with a problem guessing a lot of other men. Yeah. So I'd, you know, I get that he, you know, he's, he's probably really excited to go on a date, you know, when he comes back, you know, not to take anything away from his excitement about you, but it's great. That's, you know, and I only bring that up because again, I don't know what like it's great that he is following up, but, you know, that doesn't, that's just a nice, that's a good, that's a good green flag, you know, things could change. But it also just really is just kind of early. I mean, one, I would just make go meet this meet guy be, you know, for sure. Yeah. Definitely could might change things. Why do you feel like you have to make a decision sooner than later? Well, because now, like, my coworkers are invested in like how it goes with guy be like my dating life, I'm the only single person in my workspace. And so it's frequently like a topic of conversation, my dating life and how that's going as a point of entertainment for all these married people. And so now they're invested after making this recommendation. And so they're like, they're obviously rooting for guy be and that like weighs on me. And then I'm gonna have to like, it's a small town and a lot of people know this guy. And I just feel like I'm gonna have to like answer to that if I like, pick differently. Yeah, but you know, that's silly, right? I mean, like, it's your dating life and I is anyone gonna be mad at you? I mean, I guess not. But what are they like so much about this guy? Like, who is this guy that they are so he works for nonprofit all about like wildlife conservation. He used to be a wildlife guide in the area. And so he really made a name for himself in the community working for and spearheading conservation and policy around conservation. And so he just has been a fixture in the community for probably 12 plus years. And he's a popular guy. So there's like some pressure to that, I guess. A little local legend or something. Pretty much. It's like, when I added him on Instagram, we had like 100 mutual friends and and that's in a small town. And so I mean, how much have you talked with this guy? Like eight hours on the phone. That's a lot. What do you mean? Do you enjoy it? Are you excited? Do you get excited? Is it just is it been a lot of fun? It feels much more serious than guy A and there is an age difference. How old's guy B? Guy B is 10 years older than me, which most of my X's have been 10 years or more older than me. Guy A is my age. And physically, I'm more attracted to guy A. And I feel like that might be clouding my judgment. Maybe. But you know, that's not like it doesn't matter at all. You know? Yeah. What do you like about guy A other than his face? He just like, we have very similar banter, like dry sense of humor, lots of sarcasm. And it is it flows very naturally with guy B. It feels more like we're kind of interviewing each other. And it feels very like serious. And he's just like reiterated. He's like, I'm not trying to like waste my time. I'm trying to be very intentional. And like, I guess that's where some of the pressure to like pick comes from. I mean, you guys haven't even met yet, you know, I know, but we're going to be meeting halfway. So we're both driving like three hours one way to meet up. And so there's like a lot of pressure in that sense to like not waste each other's time. I say this with love. Yeah. But and I, I am a busy guy, you know, I don't, you know, like I have any free time, but you know, it's just a three hour drive that it's not, you know, like I, you know, I'm, I no doubt you're busy. I no doubt your time is precious. I'm sure his is too. But do we have to make it so heavy that like this, I think you have a better, I think it's better for you to approach this as an adventure. Yeah. Right now you're approaching it as a job interview. Yeah. It's a three hour drive, you know, listen to a couple of us Nick episodes, maybe some other podcasts, whatever, you know, talk to some friends, maybe catch up with someone on the phone that you haven't in a while, in a while, enjoy the date. This idea that you guys are like, before you agree to drive three hours to meet up in the middle, you're like making each other promise that you're not going to waste each other's time. Like you don't, you haven't met. And that just comes with the, you know, like when I met Natalie, right? Right. You know, we met up in New York, you know, couldn't imagine me like, well, just before you get on that plane, don't waste my time. Like what, I mean, I was more, we were more like, hope this person doesn't kill me. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we were essentially strangers. You have, you know, but I'm saying, you know, it's just like the friend element, the expectations your friend, you guys have an audience already to this relationship that hasn't even started. Yeah. And it's, you know, if guy B is someone you're interested in, you're probably putting too much pressure on it. Like, yeah, listen, I, you know, what do you say to him when he's like, Hey, I don't want to, like, what is he asking from you when he's just like, Hey, I'm really intentional about my dating life. And what is my response is like agreement. And just like, we both sympathize how difficult it can be to date in our area. And did you, I would, did you ask him like, well, what does that mean to you? Do you know I have it and I should. That'd be a good question. Because you can be like, listen, I really appreciate, you know, as a woman hearing from a guy that he wants to be intentional, I appreciate your intentionality. At the same time, I do want to make sure that we're like, not adding too much pressure on each other. Like, obviously, my friends like you, they seem to like me. They want us to meet up. I've really enjoyed our conversation, but let's just see, let's just, you know, but let's be open to the possibility of really enjoying each other's company. And let's be open to the possibility that we, we just might not. And that's okay, you know, but like, let's just, let's have some fun here. Let's, this is an adventure, you know, like meeting, going to meet up, you should feel the nerves and excitement all in a positive way. You shouldn't feel like, well, I hope my friends are disappointed. And I hope this isn't a giant waste of my time. And it may or may not work out. Yeah. You know, that's six hours in the car, you could be, you could even be fairly productive. I bet, you know, he could get some work done in his three hours. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I, you know, it's like the idea that you guys are agreeing to meet up for, and having to drive, but you're just like, all right, before I do this, you just, are you going to be my wife or, or what? You know, like, okay. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. This isn't, okay. So this isn't the first time that I've like driven far to meet up with a potential like interest given how small our area is. Like you very quickly run out of matches on the apps. And so my dating radius on the apps includes like the surrounding states. And so this was probably like the fourth time I've driven four or three hours to meet up with a guy. And I guess I'm not great at removing myself in this situation when it's not going well. And so typically that leads to like spending the night with these like ultimate strangers in like a hotel room or like this weekend, we're supposed to go camping. And it's like, so if it's not going well, how do I just be like, wait, so you're driving three hours not for like a dinner, but like for a weekend. Okay. It's definitely different. Yeah. So it feels like a bigger commitment. And at what point do I like give myself the space to be like, is this going well? Or should I leave? Yeah, that's tougher. I mean, you're definitely it's, it's tough, you know, like you're going camping with him. Yeah. There's a, you know, how do you get out of that? I don't know, which has led to some like awkward like hotel stays in the last couple of months where I just like, I'm going to sleep in the other bed and leave in the morning. Yeah. I mean, that's, but why not? Can't you just have a dinner? I know it's a three hour drive, but sorry. Yeah. Like, do you have to commit to a whole weekend? No. But like, what if things are going well, then I want it to be the whole weekend. Like, then there's that. Then you have the choice to stay. But you're just not giving yourself some options. You know? No. Like it, you know, again, there's no right or wrong. I often that, you know, I could give, I've not taken advice of giving other people, right? But I, general advice, I would, you know, to the ladies out there who, you know, who are getting on planes or getting in cars and meeting up with strange men that they've talked to or gotten to know via FaceTime and let's literally how I met my wife, you know what I'm saying? And we spent the weekend together there, you know, so there is that. But if you're unsure, I do, I'm just saying, I think it's okay. And I think any guy also that's a good barometer, right? Because put it this way, if my, if Natalie would have said, Hey, listen, really excited to meet you. But like, I just want to get my own hotel room. And let's see how it goes. I would have been like, absolutely great. You know? Like I would, it's if a woman, you know, expresses like this would make me feel more comfortable. There's only one, only one correct response from any decent man. It's just like, by all means, great. Your comfort matters. You know, I don't want to be a pressy guy. I don't want to be the guy that kind of made you feel a little weird, unintentionally or intentionally, you know? And so if you are planning these things, it is okay to like, set expectations of like, I'm excited to meet you. I do want to take it slow. We'll see how it goes. Maybe we'll have the best time of our life. But like, I, you need to give yourself out. And I think you have to communicate upfront that like, you know, that you're doing that in a way. You can, you know, for the person who's getting on a plane or driving, you can always not sleep in your own hotel room if it's going great, you know? Yeah. And is that a little bit of a waste? Oh, I don't want to waste money on extra hotel room. I get it. But like, sometimes comfort can cost a little money, you know, extra leg room on a plane, you know, it's not free. And like, you know, when your comfort matters, you know, in dating, and comfort is attached to safety, you know, when it comes to, you know, dating, you know, for a woman, I would, you know, you should prioritize that, you know? I mean, it sounds like this guy, you know, you obviously a lot of mutual friends, I'm sure you feel pretty safe with this guy. Yeah. But yeah, I would give yourself some outs. And I think it's okay to communicate that like, you're not sure yet how this is going to go. And you haven't met. And I mean, I, you know, another, it's just like, that should be a measuring stick. I mean, you know, I met, I had a, this is years ago, and there was this girl who lived in a different city. And we talked and we had these like, we, you know, like weekly calls. And eventually, I went to go see her. And like early, you know, I stayed at her place, you know, but prior to, and like, there was like some sexual tension leading up and some kind of wondering how things were go would go. And then I remember, like the couple days before, I sent some nurse from her. And I was like, yo, I just want to know, I know expectations, you know, other than like, let's just have a good time, you know, like, I know we've talked about like, us being physical, but just, you know, that's not something that's an expectation. And I just, I want, you know, she seemed to really appreciate that, you know, and I just think that's that's something you should be not disappointing these guys in any way should shouldn't really be a concern. It should, you should want to hear them be, it's like, the right guy should be a self aware that they, you know, it's, he's asking a woman he's never meant to go camping with them. Yeah. And, and, and if I'm him, I would just want to make sure that you feel really comfortable. And that, and that comfort comes with like, listen, just if at any moment you want to like, end this day, just let me know, it'll, it'll be okay. Imagine if he said that to you, the piece of, yeah, that, that, oh my God, you know, but like, it's okay for you to say that too, if, if they're not going to say it and how they respond matters. Yeah. You know, if we're like, well, why? I mean, that's like, okay, like, what do you think I'm going to murder you? Like, that's weird. Like, again, any normal guy should not be, should not be offended by a woman they've never met prioritizing their safety and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. You know, I've talked enough of women in my life to know that every single woman I've met has had a bad experience with a guy. Yep. You know, various degrees, some more horrific than others, but every single one of them have been made to feel uncomfortable by what they thought was a fairly normal dude. Right. And you know, that's, that's important for you to understand that your partner at least knows that. And if they don't know it yet are open to hearing about it. Right. No, that makes sense. So yeah, I mean, I would, if I were you, I try to get better about that, you know, and before you go on this date, I think this would be a good practice with guy number B. Guy, guy number B. Yes. Letter B, number two, whatever guy be. Yeah. And I don't know how, let me, how would you, how, how would you want to approach that? I think it like, because we predominantly talk on the phone, it would be probably just telling him today or tomorrow, like, like when we're confirming what time and where we're meeting up, just being like, Hey, if things go great, and we want to like, keep things going, we can definitely camp together. But if we're not feeling it on either side, then I'm probably gonna head back home. After we have dinner or whatever. Okay. How can we workshop this? So it's a little softer in a way where it feels very heavy. I, you know, listen, you could just be a little vulnerable. We're like, Hey, before, first of all, I'm really excited. Excited to see you. I'm excited to meet you. I've had some good conversations. I'm looking forward to meeting you. And recognize that you haven't met him yet. Not like I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with you. I'm looking forward to meeting you. And I'm sure he can relate. Like, I'm sure, you know, this is probably not the first time, you know, like, you know, dating is hard. We live where we live. We got to do this driving thing. But can I just, can I, you know, can I talk to you about something? Speaking a little vulnerable here. Hopefully he says, like, sure. He's like, you know, I've never done the camping thing. So that seems exciting. But like, I have driven to meet the other dates before. And sometimes it just feels like no matter how it goes, because like, we're meeting for the first time, I have found myself in like situations where I don't like, I'm getting, I get a little nervous. And I've, again, I'm really enjoying my time with you. Just, you know, but I just want to talk about like, you know, that and I want to be able to show up knowing that like, I just want to know, acknowledge that we're both like meeting each other for the first time. And like, let's just be open to like, what are his expectations of the weekend? You're camping. Is he expecting to have sex? You know, probably, you know, I just like, just like, listen, I'm excited. It seems like an exciting weekend. I'm also just getting a little nervous because there's like, we're, you know, we're going from meeting each other for their first time to like spending a weekend together. And I just like, I just want to know it's okay that if, if, if either if you or me just like that, it's okay that we end things shortly. I mean, again, it's a kind of tough conversation to have, but I think he just needs to be gentle. And as a 40 year old man, he should have the maturity. He should definitely know. Hopefully. And if not, then he probably does. I mean, he seems to be well liked, but just like, listen, I'm just like, it's just a lot to go meet a guy. I'm sure you're great, but I just want to make sure that like, I want to feel comfortable doing it. And I just, we haven't met yet. And I just like, I want to be able to have that conversation with you and just talk it through with you. And I would just be curious what he said. And you should feel if nothing else, like he is considerate about your, you trying to express some hesitant hesitancy and possible discomfort without being offended. It shouldn't make it about him. Like it shouldn't be hard to just be like, yeah, I'm literally asking this woman to go camping with me. Like if nothing else, there already should have been jokes about like, I promise I won't murder you. Yes. You know, like just to clear the air of like, just like, you know, how can I make you feel more comfortable? Like I, you know, we're going camping. We've never met. Like, I know he's a ranger. You know, I get it. It's his thing. But you know, every, every true crime movie starts with, you know, I just went camping with him. You know, like, I'm, you know, but you know what I'm saying? Like you should feel comfortable having this conversation is as awkward as it is, because it shouldn't be difficult for him to empathize with your concerns. And that will be a good test to is this the guy, is this type of guy when I express my nerves or insecurity that he listens, he doesn't take offense, he gets it, he's mature enough to understand where I'm coming from. And that will make all the difference. Yeah. If you, if you can't have this conversation, if you can't have this conversation with this guy, and he can't make you feel like, hey, listen, I totally get it. No heart. Let's just go have some fun. Let's see where it goes. I think we're going to have a good time. But if at any point it doesn't, you just let me know, because I would rather have you leave early than feel weird around me, you know? Right. And that, that is bare minimum. You know, and he's either a type of guy who gets it or a type of guy who does it. If he doesn't get it, you don't want to go camping with him. No, for sure. And so then in terms of like, if the weekend goes great and everything's good, I just keep talking to both. Well, I mean, listen, once sex enters the equation, it gets a little messier. So you just, you know, take that into consideration. It's one thing to be going on dates with a couple of different guys. You're entitled to do that. If you're sleeping with two different guys, they might feel a certain way about it. You might feel a certain way about it, might get more confusing to you. I have hooked up with guy A. Okay. It's not a crime. You know, you're not dating guy. But yeah, it's, I'm trying to make the same mistakes that I have in the past. Are you okay with not having sex this weekend? Or whenever, whatever this, whenever this is? Yes. It's not like you're confining your decision. I'm just like, I tend to like get caught up in the moment. And yeah. Yeah. I mean, listen, if this is a guy who's older, more mature, and he's talking about being intentional, you saying, listen, you've said you want to be intentional. Like I, I have a tendency of getting caught up in the moment. And sometimes things get physical before I feel like I really know someone and that kind of confuses my feelings. And I want to be upfront about that. Because like, again, a guy who cares about intentionality, a 40 year old man should know that. Now, if he just wants to get laid, he will, he will, he will still have sex, you know, but if he really cares about intentionality, and you're saying, listen, I'm having a good time and I like you. But if we hook up this weekend, I honestly like might get more confused and more, you know, and, and, and if we have, I would like to, I'd rather just have a really nice time and see where things go. Yeah. Will he want to wait? Yeah. Ideally, we would wait. Yeah. There's a lot to do when you can't, you know, I bet, I bet he's camp before without getting laid. Probably. So yeah, listen, I feel like there's a, you know, and then as far as, you know, listen, this weekend will tell you a lot, you know, you're spending a whole week, you know, when this, this camping trip will tell you a lot. Yeah. If you have a best weekend of your life, even if you don't have sex, but if you're just like, I don't know, he's a nice enough guy, and it's not that, you know, I don't, you think you should try, don't keep dating him because of your friends, that's for sure. Yeah. But guy, guy A, you know, again, you know, what do you know about that potential? He's, he's in and out. It's, you know, he's young, he's younger, he's, he has a job that's very unpredictable. Yeah. But he talked about all these things like we could do together this summer and like. Because it's like, like, because he's looking for a fun summer hangout, like, you know, I don't know. That's what I'm saying. It's just like, maybe he has a more like, yeah, I, you know, he, he operates in seasons. So like, you're not looking to be his seasonal girlfriend. Right. But if that could, that could be his lifestyle right now. Yeah. You know, it's one thing to meet a guy, hook up, have a good time, and be like, I just want to be up front. I'm, I'm, I'm going away for a bit. Okay, cool. But like, is that the norm? It's like, yeah, but if you date me, if I become your boyfriend, this is, this is the life. You know, are you interested in that? Yeah. But like on his hinge profile, he said like, I'm looking to like, this year, I'm looking to find someone to settle down with and start a family. And so like, I don't know how true that is. But yeah, it's just on his hinge profile. Check in. I don't know. You should talk to him about that, you know, but like, he also like, how old is he again? 31. You know, I mean, adult man. But he might not, what that means to him might mean something very different from you. He might not be thinking, I have to make different choices to do that. He might be thinking, I'm looking for a wife to have my baby and take care of my kid while I go fight fires. I don't know. You know, some dudes like that. So you have to find out what that means to him. But I think right now, more than anything, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. You don't owe either of these guys anything. When you drive, go have, you know, it's an adventure, not a job interview. Before you go, try to be vulnerable and open up to them about some of your reservations and concerns. It's more than normal and understandable. And it's a good measuring stick of this guy. If he can't make you feel comfortable in that conversation, maybe you shouldn't go. And this is an easy opportunity for him to make you feel comfortable. Yeah. Totally. Okay. Was this helpful? It was. Yeah. I think I just like have to evaluate things as they happen, not trying to think like a month or two months down the road. Check in with yourself and just there's you don't have to decide, you know, it's just like you're, you haven't met one guy, you've had a couple of dates with another one and he's gone and you're like, I got to make a choice today, you know, you don't take your time, check in and just have the conversations you need to have with these guys and get the information you need. And the nice benefit of this long distance that you have is that like it allows it's sometimes easier to slow things down and check in with yourself and ask them conversations that you might not otherwise be in a position if they were just like your next door neighbor or down the hall and things would just move fast because hey, you want to come over? Yeah, come over. Yeah. And you might not find out he's the type of guy who is empathetic and understands that like, you know, there are situations that might make you feel uncomfortable that have, you know, that not his fault, you know, but here this like, you know, this camping trip, you know, I just like anytime and I'm not trying to leave a move some great guys, it's just like anytime that I met up with someone in like that situation, it was it mattered to me that they felt comfortable and safe, you know, just that, hey, just so you know, like you're it's what just tell me, you know, like, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable and just recognizing it's not a me thing that it's just it's weird to me to stranger and yeah, it now it can get weird if it's if it doesn't go great. And for a guy to say, I won't be offended, I just I'd rather you be comfortable than you to pretend to put yourself in a situation you'd rather not be in. Right. And what's crazy about, you know, it's crazy is just like, honestly, I pardon me saying, knowing that I would like to like make her probably like me, you know, just like it I meant it. But just that that saying that just goes such a long way. You know, yeah. That I mean, one thing you have that conversation with Guy B, because it will tell you a lot. Yeah, it will tell you a lot. I like that. Okay. Kimi posted it. I want to know how this camping trip goes. What you decide. Okay. Yeah, I definitely will. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye bye. Thanks. Bye. Well, it's that time again, it's my favorite time I get to talk about my favorite matrix made by Helix sleep. It's a passion of mine, people. I know, listen up, if you've not been paying attention to this episode yet, listen to this, if nothing else, you need to get yourself a Helix mattress. It is truly the best sleep you will ever get. I've been sleeping on a Helix mattress for six plus years now. And now I have a Helix mattress. 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I really honestly also have not been in a relationship probably since if you would count high school. Yes. I went to college, I had a lot of fun in college, and then I got right into my career, and I was working night shifts in my career, and every time I would try to date someone, it would maybe last for about four months. And I really felt like every time I was putting in all the effort and I was never getting anything back. Okay. So my most recent one was probably a year ago now. It lasted about four months, and I went into it, met on hinge, went into it with the, hey, I really don't want this to be a situation ship. That's not what I'm looking for. I was very upfront with what I was looking for, that I'm looking to bring somebody into my life to enhance my life and hopefully be long-term. That was agreeable. It was all good in the beginning, and then a couple months into it, I start feeling him kind of like pulling away, and I'm like, again, putting in all this effort and getting them back, and it just seems to be the story of my life. So when you meeting these guys on the app, before you meet them, you're like, I'm not looking for a situation ship? That was when we first met. I didn't do that on the app, but when we met, and I was like, just like, this is what I'm looking for. So if that's also what you're looking for, then let's continue. Yes. Now, at the end of the first day, in the middle of the first day? I mean, I think it was just, I mean, I don't remember exactly, but I think it was just like within the conversation of what are you looking for. But I guess at what point did you decide that you wanted this to continue? What was it about him that you were like, oh, okay, I want to get to know this guy? I thought we had a lot of things in common. We had a lot of views in common. We had a lot of, we like to do a lot of the same things. Like what? I really like to travel. He was the same. I'm like, work out. He kind of the same likes. He really likes to cook. I love to cook, and it was so there was a lot of similarities of just a few examples. Okay. You not having a boyfriend since high school is interesting. You must be doing something and you are more than capable of getting a boyfriend. And when you first started telling the story about your most recent one, when I'm hearing and maybe I understand you're nervous, but what I'm hearing is like, I don't know if this is accurate, but like what I heard is like, you met a guy in an app, maybe communicated a few messages back and forth, agreed to go on a date. And early at some point in this date, how long was the date? A couple hours. So within a couple hours, you decided that you wanted to see if this could be a relationship. And then you decided to communicate a boundary, which is like, I don't want this to be a situation ship. And he was like, yeah, sure. Yeah, me neither. Because like, and it's, you know, it sounds like you maybe did the thing that a lot of people do, which is like, you went to make this a relationship mode, whatever that means to you, you know, which is to like act like, you know, just to play house or it is just to feel like, all right, let's see if I can make him my boyfriend. There. Is this accurate? Like it's, it's. No, it's definitely fair. You know, I think I was just tired of doing the same old thing. And I just wanted to be upfront. What's the same old thing? Well, I just feel like the last couple of times that I've dated somebody, it's, you know, not with without leading into, you know, I don't want a situation ship. It goes good for a little while. And then, you know, then I feel like I'm alone in like putting in the effort to like either see each other or hang out and things like that. Like they start pulling away. So like you go in the state, you decide, okay, I'm interested. I don't want this to be a situation ship. He's like, yeah, cool. And it sounds like you stop kind of checking in with yourself or with him. You just, you know, it's like, it almost sounds like you go into this like, all right, I'm going to do my thing. My thing is like, I'm going to show him how I am as a girlfriend. Like I'm going to be his girlfriend. I'm going to show him. And I'm going to be really nice. And I'm going to be attentive. And I'm going to, when he wants it, when he asked something of me, I'm going to do that. And then you're, you're also hoping by doing the things that you are willing to do as a girlfriend and as a partner that he will be like, Oh, wow, she's doing this. I should do that too. Unconsciously, yes. And, but you're not really just like getting to know them. You're not, I can see what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of how it sounds. I mean, it's, yeah, yeah, I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out how, how to go about this and how to meet somebody and how to like, obviously like apparently on the problem. So, I mean, like, you know, listen, you're, you're the, you're the consistent factor, but it just sounds like you're not allowing things to happen. Okay. And it is frustrating for sure to dating is, you know, everyone's frustrated dating right now. So, you know, so you're not alone. There are all these things we can do a little bit differently. But I guess, just tell me more about some of these other situations that you've been a part of like, I mean, I feel like they're kind of all the same thing. It's just like you meet on the app, you go out, you have a great first day, you have a good second day, you know, you keep seeing each other, you hang out, you know, when, when there's that, you know, mutual time. And, you know, things seem great for a while. And then they kind of dwindle out. When was the last, when was the last time that you met up with a guy on a date? There was initial interest from you, you know, you're like, Oh, I had a nice first date. And then at any point afterwards, when was the last time you were like, you know what, as I've gotten to know him more, I'm just, I'm not that interested. I mean, it was definitely before this last one. So like over a year ago, because I honestly have not gone on dates. Since the end of this, I kind of took a, took a break. Okay. Felt like I needed time. So it was definitely before that. But I have definitely had dates where I've gone on first dates and been like, No, I don't think that I want to continue this. Not the first dates. So like you go on a date, step one, okay, right? Yes. You like them. You have a good date. You're interested. You're like, Okay, all right. I haven't, you know, he's nice. We like both like to travel. There's some common interest. Once you get past, let's say, date three. And like once you're like, Okay, I want to, I want, I don't want a situation ship. Like when was the last time that you then changed your mind about someone? I don't honestly don't remember. Because I think if I've lost interest, it was, it was pretty quickly on. So yeah, do you see how that might be an issue? Yes. Here's how I'm hearing you date. You meet someone and you go on a first date. And essentially, on a first date, you were deciding whether you're into them or not. And if you're not into them, you're not into them. All right, no second date. But if you are into them, you're all you're just all in immediately. You decide after one date, whether you like someone, you know, and if you decide that you like someone, then you're just like committed to like making them your boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. I can definitely see where that is that true? Or am I just making inaccurate assumptions? No, I mean, I wasn't aware of it. But when you say it, you know, it does. You know, I wasn't really aware that I was doing that. I was just trying to to put an effort and try. But I can definitely see how it kept like. Well, like, I guess have have confidence that if you meet someone where there's a shared mutual emotional connection and you feel like they were reciprocating in all aspects of how you guys hang out, that you're going to be a good girlfriend, you know, that you're going to be a good partner, that you know how to show up. But you are you are showing up for relationships that don't exist yet. And you are showing up for people who might not deserve it yet. And you're not focused on building a connection and getting to know someone, you're focused on making them your boyfriend. And it's two very different things. Half of these guys you probably don't even really like or even honestly know that well. Right. And then no doubt they probably feel that energy, you know, it's just like you're like they're like, I'm four dates with this chick and she's just man, she's like really planning our lives together, you know, it's like, you know, and they might just want to feel like, hey, let's go on a fourth date, you know, keep some mystery, you know, and things like that. How quickly are you guys being intimate with a guy that you that I like? I mean, like probably like third or fourth date. Okay. Definitely not the first I don't. What's the difference between a third and a first and a third? I don't know. I guess I feel like, I don't know, I guess I just do it when it feels like right, like when I felt, but I like purposely like don't really go home with people on the first date, you know. No, I get it. But I would just like objectively just taking a step back. If we were just like two friends, like, what is the difference? Not necessarily how you feel, but like just like think about someone else like, okay, you're, I have a friend sitting right here, you know, they're like, hey, I never have sex in the first date. But on the third date, I tend to, yeah, that's when it usually happens. And I'm just wondering what's the difference between a first and a third date in big picture? No, I definitely hear you. I can't give like an answer specific answer, but that's okay. Maybe there isn't a difference. It's maybe kind of my point, you know, and again, it's one of those things where you, we tell ourselves things. And again, like obviously, there's a lot of shame and judgment. We got hook up culture, sex is more normalized, but at the same time, we've, we've comfort ourselves by being like, oh, I don't want to be a hoe. So I won't, I won't have sex on the first date, you know, because society might like think, you know, I will judge myself or my, you know, I don't know, my friends will tease me, whatever. But if I wait for a third date, you know, I'm, I take it slow. And you just kind of, you know, we tell ourselves these narratives and they become true, you know, we don't consider if we make sense, you know, if our decisions are actually helping us, or is it just, is it just something to make us feel good about our choices? Yeah. And I think your frustration comes from you're not allowing yourself to get to know these guys. And it's, you know, in your head that you haven't like had a boyfriend in so many years. And now it's like, you're just like trying to make someone your boyfriend. I think that was a really great move that you took a break. When you get back out there, just be okay, just try to meet some of these guys. Do you have a therapist? No, but I probably should. I think that's an idea. Listen, I just like, I think this is something that this is going to be an ongoing thing for you. You know, there's a bit of a, you know, a confidence boost you're going to need, you know, I think it would be really helpful for you to find someone that makes you feel good about like a therapist, this reminds you of your value. We all have it. So it's easy for us to forget that sometimes when we're struggling a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And that could be really helpful because like you're just, it sounds like you're doing this alone. You know, do you have girlfriends you talked to this about? Oh, yeah. Yeah. What do they say? I mean, definitely not the perspective, like definitely different perspective, I think from like what you're saying, like, you know, just, you know, basically like they're, you know, kind of just not that into you, right? Like that's kind of what they're giving off. Yeah. But I don't think that's your problem. I mean, listen, not everyone, not everyone's into us, right? Yeah. But like you're clearly someone that people should be and can be and are into. But what you're a, you know, you're just, I don't think you're showing up honestly as yourself in these relationships. You're probably in your head a little bit. You're showing up in a honestly, like more at a place of fear, like you show up not wanting to be rejected, you know, in a way. And even that question of like, I don't want this to be a situation ship. Has any guy ever said, oh, well, I do. So we should end it. Has that ever happened? No, it's always kind of, you know, like, we're going to kind of see each other, see how it goes and see where, see what happens. Yeah. I think you have, you know, like, yeah, so I think it's just something this is you need to work on. And I think a therapist might be able to find the right therapist that is helpful. You got to get your confidence back. Yeah. And the biggest thing is when you go on dates, I think you just need to slow down and really try to figure out, you have to go into these first dates being like, I don't know if I'm going to like them. And if you have a good first date, just see it as that. It's, I had a nice date with this guy. We'll see. I don't know yet. I still don't know yet. Even if you, even if you want to tell yourself, I like him. And if you want to have sex on the third date, have sex on the third date, but don't tell yourself it's any difference in the first date. Yeah, certainly not for him. And you just kind of fast forward things. You go on this first date, you decide if you like them, then you do the, you have, and then you're like, okay, well, I'm going to communicate my boundaries. My boundaries is I don't want a situation ship. I want a relationship. He agrees to my boundary. You're like, all right, I, I did the right thing. I, I communicated. Now we can work, we can start dating. Okay. Well, now we can start dating. Now I can sleep with them. And now I'm like, I'm doing it right, you know? And like in a way, I feel like you're telling yourself, you're kind of checking these boxes. So then you're like, okay, third or fourth date, you, you hook up with them. In reality, you have no, you barely have any rapport. You had a couple of nice conversations with the guy, you have sex and, you know, that definitely from a lot of men changes like the equation a little bit. You know, I don't know, I don't know why sex is something that is certainly, it's a mystery. It keeps people interested, you know, whether it's the idea of sex or wondering what it might be like, you know, and you can use that to your advantage, you know, by keeping that mystery alive. But like, it seems like right now, you're waiting for that permission for a guy who says, I want to, I claim that I want to be in a relationship. And then you start like being in a relationship with a guy in a second date. Yeah. And I would try to slow down and it's okay to go on five or six dates with the guy and still have a, you know, and talk to your girlfriends and be like, you know, he's really nice. I got a good time. And our first date, we went mini golfing or second date, he cooked me dinner. It was really nice. We had a nice make out sesh, kissed a little bit. I would have been busy and then, you know, we went on a nice walk on our third date and I'm still getting to know him. And, you know, we had a nice conversation about his family and upbringing in our third date. And he still seems like an interesting guy and yeah, things are moving along nicely. But we'll see, you know, I don't know, like I'm still getting to know him. And like, you know, that more, more of that mindset. Yeah. You know, by the fourth date, you're kind of planning a future and he's not there yet. And, you know, and I think that's where the disconnect happens. Yeah. No, I agree. I've honestly definitely was like an unconscious thing from, you know, of that. I wasn't realizing that that was what I was doing. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's pretty typical. We often, it's hard to, you know, but again, I think, I think this is not something you're going to solve overnight. And I think it would be helpful for you to find someone who can give you kind of some objective feedback and that someone you can check in with. Girlfriends aren't always the best at giving relationship advice, especially if you've never heard feedback like this. Maybe whoever, you know, it's like, I don't know how helpful it is for you to hear that they're just not that into you. Right. And that's as I was like, well, it's anyone sent the one, you know, like, it's always just like, you know, they're support, they're girlfriends, they're supportive of you and, you know, like, okay, well, if he's like pulling away like that, then like, you know, screw him, like go buy. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely something with your something about your approach. Like, yes, definitely some of these guys were just simply not your guy. That's right. You know, you were going to find that out either way. But the simple fact that you've never been able to do, you know, move it forward and you can acknowledge that like, again, like just you asking that question on your first date and then kind of focus on making your boyfriend tells me a lot, you know, that you're just, you're not, you're not, again, I think the big, you're not showing up as yourself. I don't think these guys are really getting to know you. You're probably getting a little anxious once, you know, you, it's just like, it's, you're trying not to fail. Yeah. And as opposed to just getting to know someone and deciding how it's going and being willing to change your mind about someone even after a good first date. Yeah. And that might make you feel empowered that like, hey, I went on four dates with the guy. First couple dates were pretty good. Third or fourth date, I don't know, there's some red flags and I don't know. I just don't know. I just don't think it's it for me. And then you end it. Yeah. Honestly, it might make you feel like it might be a confidence boost you need because you decided for yourself and you weren't, you're rejected. But again, I think there's some things you might want to work on, you know, some, yeah, maybe there's an attachment style or something. I'm not, I'm no expert in that and I'm not in a position to diagnose. But again, there's, there's something that's causing you to not show up as yourself on these dates. And it's hard to meet someone and hard to fall in love with someone when they, when you're not showing up as your, as yourself. Right. And trying to figure out how you can do that more consistently would go a long way. Okay. Because like you have a lot to offer. I think so. Yeah, it's just finding that balance. Yeah, no, I agree. It'll definitely give me a different way to mindset to go into it. But yeah, I mean, it's someone who feels like they're constantly falling into situationships, you know, it sounds like you're always that hopeful person. It's safe to say, yeah, you're not expecting as much as you should from these people. And that's not the, you know, that's not the same as just like showing up with a bunch of like do's and don'ts, like I'm dating it, but we even just want to have sex. Don't bother messaging me. It's like, you know, okay, that's just like a challenge sometimes. Yeah, I just think with like the, you know, people like seem to not, and I think I've heard you say this on like, that people don't seem to not want to like commit and stuff. So like, I guess like my mind said, I'm like, okay, well, if I go out there and say like, this is what I'm looking for, I like, even if we're not like looking for the same thing, then this is probably do we even bring it further? And I guess that that wasn't the right. Yeah, it's hard to communicate. Yeah, it's, you know, it's, there's a difference between at the end of the day, a lot of people aren't are non-committal because that's kind of how society is versus people out there being like, hey, raising their hand is I'm non-committal. Like, like it's, it's like, it's similar to like when I say like, everyone says they're loyal. Most people don't say I have commitment issues or I don't want to commit right now. It's always like, yeah, I want to settle down someday. Yeah, maybe you're the person I'll settle down with, but I don't know. Right. You know, it's more like, it's more like that. You know, everyone wants to chase. Everyone wants to feel like the person they chose was hard to get. So when you just remember that, just be careful how much you share early on. Like, don't leave, I've never had a boyfriend. Yeah, I don't, I don't like throw that like out there when I'm going on dates. Good. But more than anything, you, my guess is early on, you're too available, you're too accommodating, showing people, showing guys especially, in the first five dates, how considerate and attentive and how understanding empathetic and how there, how much you're willing to be there for them early on, generally doesn't work. Yes. I see that. Be mysterious. Let them get to know you. Be busy, be unavailable, have another date. Because again, until you really, it takes time to build an emotional connection. And until you really build an emotional connection, you really feel like you're sharing things consistently. And you're building this trust where you don't have to wonder how they feel about you. Until you really can feel that confidently, then you're still a free agent, you're still out there. And you can get to know someone while still being busy and prioritize your girlfriends and prioritize your job and prioritize the fact that you are still single and available and you don't have to drop everything for some guy you just met just to prove to him that you're a loyal, available girlfriend. Right. They have to earn that right to have that type of consistency from someone. Yeah. And guys will take that for granted until the end of time. Everyone wants to chase the challenge. Everyone wants to feel like this was tough. So make it a little bit more tough for them. Okay. Okay. Is this helpful? Yes. No, it's very helpful because, like I said, I've never looked at it the way you said it, but it makes a lot of sense. But also, I would encourage you to look into therapy. I mean, that's helpful for me. And don't take that as like a... No, I know it's a good thing. Yeah. It's just, you got a lot going on. You know, we all do in your head. And my guess is when you go on dates, you need someone to help you slow down a little bit to remind you of these things. And when you get done with dates, it would probably be helpful to decompress with someone who can help you be a little bit more objective than some of your girlfriends. Right. And that could go a long way. But make sure when you're looking for a therapist, it's not just someone who also ends up being a girlfriend who just likes listening to your story. You know, make sure that you feel like you're getting help. You know, you might have to search for a therapist for a little bit. Okay. All right. I will do that. All right. 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Right now, Kindred Bravely is offering our listeners 20% off your first order when you go to kindredbravely.com slash VIALL. That is kindredbravely.com slash VIALL. K-I-N-D-R-E-D-B-R-A-V-E-L-Y.com slash VIALL for 20% off your first order. Make sure to use our links so they know we sent you exclusions. Apply. How's it going? Good. My name is Emma. I am 30 years old and my question is that my boyfriend thinks my friend uses me as a free therapist and I just want to know if he's right or if he's overreacting. Okay. Like are you a therapist? No, I do have my bachelor's in psychology and I'm hoping to soon hopefully start my master's and I do want to become a therapist. Okay. But at the end of the day, I feel like a friendship should be reciprocal in a way. I mean, why is it a problem for you and your boyfriend? Let me ask you that. If you are in fact offering counsel to your friend and she's finding it helpful and let's say this is in lieu of her actually getting a therapist, certainly, I mean, I guess it's like if you did your friend's taxes, you might charge them, I guess. I don't know. But what's the actual issue? Does he like? Okay. So, I'm going to try to go real fast. We've got kind of me and my friend, we've been friends for almost five years now. We met at work. We both started at the same time. I used to teach not anymore. So, our first year teaching, it was kind of like we had a bond because we were new teachers and stuff, but it was mainly just work. Over the summer of our break, we kind of hung out a few times. So, it kind of developed more into what I would call like a friendship and not just like a work relationship. And then it wasn't until like what maybe two, three years ago, it was the first time that we kind of started talking about relationships and all of that. And she was talking to this guy. I didn't necessarily like agree with it, but I was just like taking it as she's venting to me as a friend, not coming to me for advice as like a therapist, if that makes sense. I would kind of tell her my opinion. My boyfriend said like you sugarcoat things and I'm like, well, I don't see why I should be rude to her. Right? Like at the end of the day, she's my friend and- Is your boyfriend listening to this stuff? Oh, sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes we would go out to dinner like me and him and then her. Okay. And he would disagree with the advice he would give her? Or he- He wouldn't disagree, but he would tell me that I was too nice. Okay. Well- Like that I was sugarcoated. Can you give me an example of- Yeah, for example, the first time she came to me was she was talking to a guy who was in jail. Okay. Okay. Okay. Like I told her, I said, you're 23. Like you have a career going for you. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Like I don't understand why you necessarily have to talk to somebody in jail. But if that's what you want, like, you know, if that makes you happy, that's fine. I didn't really find an issue until I guess things started getting more serious with that guy. And it got to a point where she stopped going out because he would get mad if she would go out because he's in jail. And then that's kind of when I was like, that's dumb. There you go. That's pretty direct. Did you tell her that? Yeah, I did. But- And then she was just kind of like, well, I don't know. Like we've have history. So- And she kind of kept talking to him for a while. I guess I'm just still trying to figure out what is the actual problem. Okay. So the problem that happened recently was like a month ago. And she started talking to another guy who recently who is going through a divorce and has a one-year old. Okay. Better than prison. Correct. So I told her from the beginning, I said, hey, like, I don't know him. So I don't know. Right. Like his intentions. But I just want you to know, like, it seems that he's not emotionally available right now. Or if he is, like, he just doesn't really have a lot of time for you because he also works out of town. She said she was okay with that. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. Then two weeks ago, we hang out again. She's catching me up on it. And then she's venting to me how she's not happy because he's constantly posting on his story, but doesn't reply to her. And then he was supposed to like come see her on the weekend and he didn't. And then I told her, I said, okay, well, then what is, what are you getting from him? Like him not being able to see you on the weekend. Sometimes I get it because he has a kid and he has to go see his kid. I said, but he can't even text you back. Then like, you know, what's up with that? And she didn't like that. And so she literally, she told me, she said, you know what, sometimes I feel like you just don't want me to be happy. And that's when she told me that I was like, well, if that's like really what you think, then I don't understand why you keep coming to me for relationship advice. And then she replied and she said, well, it took your boyfriend three years to finally get a good job. So I don't even know why you're talking. And then that's kind of like, that's the comment that really brought me the wrong way. Because in my head, I was like, you were talking to somebody that was in jail first. Now you're talking to somebody who's going through a divorce and has a baby. It's like you're comparing apples to oranges. Yeah. And then my boyfriend wasn't here when that happened. But I did tell him about it because it was the first time that I guess she did anything that kind of bothered me. And then he got upset about it. And he was like, to be honest, like, I've never liked it from the beginning. I don't even know why you're still friends with her. And I told him, I said, well, I don't know because I thought we were friends when we go to dinner, we talk to each other. I've never had an issue with her just because you don't like her doesn't mean that she's a bad person. So that was that. Then she didn't really talk to me for like two weeks. So what do you want out of this? And what are you having a hard time figuring out? Because I guess I don't, I agree. I understand why my boyfriend ups upset. And I'm also upset at my friend. But he wants me to like stop being friends with her. And I don't know if I feel like that's a little bit too much. What do you think? I mean, well, she my thing is that I told her I set a boundary that I said, okay, we're no longer you're no longer coming to me for relationship advice. If you really think that I don't want you to be happy. So that's a boundary that I say. She didn't talk to me for like two weeks. And then she texted me. And she didn't she didn't apologize or anything. She literally texted me asking for advice on the guy. I mean, listen, I don't know your friend that well, it sounds like she's just struggling for whatever reason to make like healthy decisions for herself. And I think here, here's just one bit of advice, right? In the sense that like, you and I were we're having a conversation, you're asking me for some advice, I'm giving free advice and happy to do it. It's fun for me. Like it's I enjoy like any part of this that allows me to help people out, right? Like if this is in fact helpful. At the same time, like I have a directness to how I deliver stuff. I guess what I'm trying I enjoy this right? I enjoy doing this. But with that, I guess there's like, you know, you are talking about like people being unhappy with certain aspects of their life, which is why they're asking for advice, right? So I guess what I'm saying is like, you know, there's a part of you that must enjoy it, right? Like, you know, it's nice to have someone come to you and say, Hey, can you help me? Can you solve my problems? Like they think of you as like a, you know, some is opinion they respect. And if you're going to give direct feedback and criticize their choices, expect that it's going to hurt a little bit. Expect that it's going to sting. You know, it doesn't matter if you're right, you're still judging a little bit. So especially like, you know, I've had to learn this, if you're going to give really, you have to make sure that you are softening the blows and you have to be empathetic and you have to be understanding. You have to try not to be judgmental. You have to come from a place of love, right? So the fact that you gave some harsh feedback to her, and then she responded with, you know, various kind of, you don't want me to be happy or your boyfriend sucks or whatever. Yeah, listen, hurt people hurt people. She felt hurt by what you said. And so like it created this tension, right? Now you're thinking, Okay, well, that was hurtful. I'm trying to help. I will say if you're going to give friends advice, you have to be mindful of, I guess, the role you're playing in their life. And I think it's maybe a little bit more productive for you to say, Hey, it doesn't seem like you enjoy my advice, or maybe you're just not finding it helpful. And I, you know, listen, I'm not a therapist, and I'm just going to give you my best advice. I do want what's best for you. And I do want what's happy. I do want to see you happy. And then again, like, you wanted an apology. You didn't get an apology. She asked for advice later. What did you do after she asked for advice again? Did you give the advice? Or did you try to? You didn't. I told, no, I told her because it was kind of like, before this situation happened, I didn't, I was happy to give it the advice, you know, I love her and I care about her as a friend. I want her to be happy. I think she's a good person. I want her to find like a good, healthy person, like guy, you know, and so I guess maybe it is kind of like, it's, it's, this is what the third or fourth guy that it's like, I guess I would say not good for her. And the only thing that bothers me is that because of what she said, like, I feel like you don't want me to be happy. I said the boundary of like, okay, then for our friendship to still continue, then we're not going to, you don't, please don't come to me for relationship advice. I tried to set that boundary and then she doesn't talk to me. And the next time she talks to me, it's her asking for relationship advice. What did you say to her? I just told her, I said, I love you and I care about you as a friend, but I'm sick into what I said. I no longer feel comfortable giving you relationship advice. And she just replied, LMFAO, okay. Okay. I mean, yeah, I mean, like you, you, you know, you set that boundary, you enforced it. I mean, it might just take care of itself. I mean, if she, sounds like you're older than her, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Three and a half years. So, you know, with that age difference, she probably looks up to you and a big part of your friendship has centered around her asking you for advice. Sometimes, you know, another thing you have to be mindful of when people ask for your advice is they're probably not going to take your advice first. It's like, and people can find that frustrating. It's like, oh, why am I giving you advice that you're not going to follow? If you're really not comfortable, like, what's your biggest reason for not wanting to give her advice anymore? I guess just, I don't know, like, because then it just creates other questions that if you really think that I don't want you to be happy, then why are you my friend? I mean, again, I guess what I'm saying is you're, you're that really, that obviously that comment really stuck with you. It bothered you. But like, I think you just have to understand that, like, that's how she felt in that moment. She was frustrated. She, whatever you said triggered her. Her actions say otherwise. The fact that she keeps coming to you for advice means that she obviously like, trust your advice, you know, doesn't mean she's going to take it. Doesn't mean she's not going to listen, you know, but she is at least interested or respected advice enough to ask. Most of us don't ask anyone for advice. But I don't think, I don't, I'm guessing as she didn't, she doesn't believe that is what I'm saying. Right. I mean, I don't think so either. But then it's also kind of like, she, I mean, I guess it's like, at some point, I also don't feel like I should be her punching bag. You know what I mean? Don't think you should be your punching bag either. You know, again, like it's, so that's a couple different things, right? You know, and again, like, I think when your, your response is probably a little heavy in the sense that you're just like, hey, I don't feel comfortable giving you advice anymore. And which is, I guess, true. I mean, it may, like, do you guys goof around or joke? Or is it just, is it really just your whole relationship is this kind of heavy conversations around her, her relationship problems? Most of the time, yeah. Like there, there are times like in the summer, we'll have cool days and, you know, all of that. And most of the time, like, we're, I mean, I have a baby. So I'm like looking after my baby, and we're hanging out listening to music, stuff like that. But when we go out to dinner, most of the times when we hang out, it is like she does come to me with like a relationship issue. And I guess like it was her response, I feel like I wasn't too harsh. Like, I literally asked her, and I'm like, well, him not coming to see you on the weekend, that's understandable, because he also has to go see his baby. I told her, I said, but I think the bare minimum is him replying to your messages and he's not. So I didn't think that was harsh for her response to be like, well, I don't think you want me to be happy. Yeah. I mean, listen, it doesn't matter what you said. Obviously, whatever you said triggered her, you know, she got upset. She said something that was hurtful. She just, she's probably just frustrated. You know, your friendship, you're a little older, she looks up to you, right? There's a little bit of like mentor, mentee, parent, child kind of, you know, she's asking you advice, you're telling her no. She's throwing a little bit of a temper tantrum. You don't want me to be happy. You don't want, you know, it's just like, I think this is the best thing to do is just not try to match her energy, you know, of anger, you know, and just kind of understand that like she's just frustrated. But what was the last thing you like, where did things leave with her? Was that the last time you spoke with her when she's texted you LMFAO? Yeah. You haven't spoken since? And how long ago was that? Like two weeks. Okay. What do you want to, like what do you want to do going forward? Well, my thing is like, I feel like I want to have a conversation with her because I feel like in all the years of our friendship, like there's never been a situation where like I've asked much from her until this time around. I don't know why, you know, like you said that I heard her feelings and like she hurt my feelings too. But I don't like confrontation because I feel like I really try to sugarcoat things and in confrontation, it gets to a point where like I get triggered and I'm like, okay, you're a grown-ass adult. Why am I still sugarcoating it? Like I'm trying to, because you know what I'm saying, it's not clicking. I mean, listen, maybe at the end of the day, like is most of your friendship centered around you giving her advice she doesn't listen to? Yes. So that's what I'm saying. Like I maybe this friendship has run its course. I mean, if you're kind of exhausted with giving her a bunch of advice and now you're realizing at the end of the day, she never really listens to it. But like, you know, she, you know, because to me, it sounds like you're feeling a little used at the end of the day. It's just like what she wants is someone to, you know, tell her stories to. And maybe she wants someone to agree with her. You know, maybe it's not like, maybe she's not looking for advice as much as she is looking for the validation in the form of, you know, asking your opinion, but you know, having an expectation of what that answer is, you know what I'm saying? Maybe that's that. And now you've, you're kind of getting frustrated with the fact that she's not taking your advice. And in addition to that, she's being frustrated with you and she's saying things that hurt your feelings. And then she kind of rips on your boyfriend, which you find frustrating. And now it's just like, I don't really want to do that anymore. And you haven't heard from her in two weeks, because like all she really wants to do is get that validation for you. So maybe it's when it's course, you know, I mean, if there's nothing else in this friendship, if that's what your friendship has mostly been based off of, then you're realizing that. Yeah, because it's one thing for her to like not take my advice, but I think it was this last time, like just coming at me when it's like, well, you came up to me for advice and it was, I don't know. And then like, yeah, my boyfriend, I mean, I call him my boyfriend, but he's pretty much, I guess, my husband, we live together, we have a baby together. And he just said this last time, like he felt very disrespected, like, at his own house and stuff. So then I don't know if I'm just letting his feelings like cloud mine. Well, I mean, what do you think? I feel like that if I wasn't bothered about the situation, it would be a lot easier for me to tell him like, you're overreacting. But I think the fact that I also feel some type of way about the situation and then him saying something, it's like, making me be like, wait, is he right? Like, does she pretty much just use me as her free therapist? And that's it. The better way to frame that question is, is your whole relationship based off of her just going to you to tell you her drama? For the most part, yeah. Before I moved in with my boyfriend, so like the first two years of our relationship, it was kind of like, we weren't hanging out that much. And it was like, oh, like, what guy are you talking to? How's that going? And it was, you know, back and forth. But what for the past three years or so, it has been pretty much every time we hang out, it's like another relationship problem. And if you're getting sick of that and finding it frustrating, if you feel like, hey, you never asked me about me, how I'm doing, or, you know, just kind of maybe going out with the girls and just having a good time, maybe it's just not serving you anymore. As far as like, yeah, she said something, you know, next time, maybe don't tell your boyfriend if he doesn't need to know in terms of what she like, I don't know how productive it was to tell him that little like, you know, because what she said came from a place of anger. What did you want your boyfriend to do about it when you told him? Nothing, I was kind of, I was venting to my boyfriend. Got you. Right. Because it was kind of more like, because when that conversation happened, like, when she told me that she doesn't want me that I don't want her to be happy, it was in like just a combo. It's like she started raising her voice and it got to the point that I almost kicked her out the house because I was like, I'm not trying to like, yell and argue in front of my child. So it was kind of more like, after he got home that day, it was me talking it out with him kind of that, but his reaction, I mean, I guess he didn't really help the situation in a way where he also gave me his feedback, which he didn't like it. So then it kind of, instead of me just venting to him and getting over it, it kind of kept it going in my head. Gotcha. Listen, it sounds like maybe this friend is just like, again, you might have to reevaluate this friendship. If you were to continue this friendship, what would you want from it? For her to respect the boundary that don't come to me with a relationship advice or relationship advice. What does that friendship then look like? You've told me, all right, our almost our entire relationship is that like she comes to me to tell me her stories, ask for a relation advice. You're also telling me, I have this new boundary. And that boundary is, don't come to me for relationship advice. So what does that friendship look like? And what do you want from it? What's the point? If you're telling me our whole friendship is based off of me giving her advice, but I don't want to do that anymore. What is the point of this friendship? And if this friendship continues, what do you want from this friendship? I mean, I guess I would just like it more of like, when, when we see each other to kind of catch up each other with stuff. But what I'm talking about is, for example, the last time that she texted me, she texted me was like three screenshots of like notes that she had written to send to the guy and she wanted me to give her note like edit and annotate it for her. So that's what I'm saying. That to me is a little excessive. Like now if we had a dinner, like dinner planned, and then we're like, Oh, how have you been? And it's like, Oh, I was talking to a guy and didn't work out blah, blah, blah, kind of like that. Not necessarily be on call for whenever she needs advice on relationship ASAP, if that makes sense. Yeah, she just might not be in a place to, you know, it sounds like your life is sounds like it's going well. And you have like this contentment, you have your child, you have your your partner. I'm sure you have your good days and bad days, but like you're content in a good way. She's not. She's like the opposite of that. She's scrambling for contentment. She's bringing a different energy in her life. And so maybe you guys just aren't lined up right now. But I guess what I'm trying to say, and before I let you go is like, it's good to set a boundary and enforce a boundary, but you have, you know, what do you want from this relationship? And if you do want to continue this friendship, communicating a boundary is one thing, but also communicating what you your expectations, what you want and try to put a positive spin on it. You know, like at the other day, if you want to be friends with her, she is someone who needs validation. And you know, you also have to recognize that like on some level, she's not happy with her life right now. And she does want to be happy. Yeah. And she sees you as happy, you know, and yeah. And I get that, but I guess it's also kind of like more, I do tend to be the very understanding friend. And so I guess it's kind of like to a point, when is it okay for me to be like, okay, well, I also am asking you to be a friend to me sometimes. Does that make sense? Yeah, but you have to ask that, right? Like all of you said to her is I via text, I no longer feel comfortable giving you advice. That's a heavy text. Like that implies she makes you feel uncomfortable. There's like almost a, there's an accusation there. You make me, you know, like no one wants to be told that they make someone uncomfortable. And that none of that was like what you did want. It was just like what you're not willing to do. You're like, I don't have time for you. It's like, this is exhausting for me. Like your text didn't elicit some kind of response. You were just like, she's like, hey, can I ask you a question? You're like, no, I don't want to do that anymore. So if you want something different from your friend, that's what you have to try to communicate to her. And it's not about what you don't want. It's about what you do want. And you do have to find the words to make your, you know, like, listen, I know you're going through a lot. I've been there before. I get that it gets frustrating. Sometimes it does feel like all we talk about is this stuff. And I want to be able to help you out, but it would be nice if sometimes, listen, would you ever go to her for advice or I don't know, like it's, you know. Um, no, I mean, I used to vent when me and my boyfriend first got together, of course, we had our issues and we still have our issues here and there, but we work on it by ourselves. So it's like, no, I guess I don't really ever go to her with it. I guess you just have to figure out what you want from this friendship because it's still unclear, like maybe you don't want anything, you know, what do you, if this friendship does end, what are you going to miss? Right. I mean, I, I don't know. I think, I think she's a good person where we go have like happy hour together. We have a good time. Um, but it was just mainly like, can she just do, can you do that? And when she does ask for your advice, can you just be like, all right, I'll give you advice, but like, you don't have to care if she doesn't take it. I mean, at the other day, she's going to do her thing, you know, you can't, you know, she's going to get a guy in prison. She's going to, you know, and when she asks, be like, listen, I just like, I think there are better options out there for you, but you, you know, you do you and I want you to be happy and I'll always be here for you, but you also don't have to be friends with her. You know, it's, I guess you just have to figure out what you want. Yeah. And I guess, I mean, I think like I am going to have a conversation with her. I don't really want to because I mean, I am older, but I guess I don't really want to because I don't know how she's going to respond to it. And yeah, so I feel like if she doesn't respond well to it, then I probably will just end our friendship. Okay. Well, then, you know, have the conversation find out. Yeah. Okay. Hopefully this was helpful, but you know, it's no, it was, I mean, it was just kind of like, it's, you know, a non-biased opinion. And so yeah, I'm going to have a conversation with her and see kind of how that goes. And then I'll talk to my boyfriend once he gets home today and kind of tell him a little bit of what you said and just kind of stick my foot down that I'm going to have a conversation with her. Like I'm a grown woman. What does he want you to do? He wants me to stop being friends with her. Okay. Yeah. Because he just finds her obnoxious or I think she's a threat or something? He just thinks he's, she's not a good friend. Okay. What do you think? I think that she's never really kind of had to show up. I mean, like, it's, she was, for example, two months ago, she was supposed to go out with us for my brother's 21st birthday and she just completely ghosted me. She didn't text me until a week later saying, sorry, I had a date. Yeah. I mean, listen, I think this final thoughts before I let you go, you are in a relationship, you have, you know, you have your child. Again, there is a contentment that you have. And then your friend is single and out there and looking and in a way probably wants some version of what you have. And that does create friction and friendships because your lives are not lined up. It's not like you guys are both in college and you have like, Hey, we're going to go out and party. So there's, if you want to in our life, you do have to recognize that a little bit and give her a little bit of grace or not, you know, again, to your boyfriend, you could just be like, listen, we're just not that great of friends. We want different things and we can still be friends, but maybe I just have to, you just maybe have to expect a little bit less from her and see if this friendship can evolve outside of her only coming to you for advice. You know, yeah. All right. Okay. Thank you so much. All right. Good luck out there. Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye.