#614 - New York Circus

Okay. Happy October. That's where we are today. Good to be here with you here in the fall. We are pretty much into the fall now. As the calendar, you start to fall off the end of the year. And then just bam, you just land right there in Santa's arms over there around December 25th. Baby, that's where we at. I got some new glass. I did get some new glasses, I guess. They're new to me. I don't know. I'm sure they weren't used or whatever. They're B plus, I guess my thing. My vision is B plus or some B 12. What is it? I don't know. They're pretty good. I guess it helps me read. I didn't know I needed glasses, you know, and then I guess I don't know if I was in like a dark restaurant or whatever. Next thing, you know, I'm at the eye shop and, and I got these bitches, baby. And so I'm enjoying them. I think I will say this. I don't know. I can't, some people I can't see anymore. So it's kind of, I'm not saying these things are making racial choices for me, but they're definitely, these things don't want to get a good look at everybody. You know, so I may have to mail them back. I'm not sure, but I'm running on about eight foot radius or whatever. 12 foot radius may be in these. So if you want, you know, get close if you need me, you know, but yeah, because I fucking dude, I was my short sight was getting kind of rocky, you know, I go in for a hug and I'd miss that bitch. I'd be like, damn, you go in to hug somebody and hug the wrong person. You're like, who's that? You know, that's somebody's damn husband or something. You know, you don't even, you know, you go in to hug a decent woman and you end up over there. You know, you just up near some man's neck or something. Just so I think getting your visual is important. And so that's kind of what I'm, I guess, doing. I got to get, yeah, I think these bitches are B or B plus. I don't know what I got to, I got to look at the package or whatever. I got these bitches online. They came in, just wrote the size of them on the back or something. I think it was like 38, 42 or I don't know. I got to look and see. I got to fucking kind of a big head. What else? Thank you guys for being here. The circus is coming to town. I just saw that. I don't know if there's any circus lovers, but the circus is back. You know, and when I was a child, the circus was a big thing. You know, you had a couple of times throughout the year, you get this little ticket at school. And it's say on its circus at the top. And it's like Willy's circus, you know, a risky ricks circus, you know, and it would say like admit one just on this ticket, you can get it anywhere. So they were just giving out free tickets, you know, and it would be like this pet and zoo fucking rocks, it would say or something like that on the back or where pet and zoos go to fuck. It would say shit like, that's a lot. And it was a big deal back then when the circus came, because you'd see them setting up in that big top, that tent and they wheel all animals in there. And some of the animals, they'd been through a lot. They looked like they'd maybe just got back from war or something, war or two or so. You know, they, some of them missing an ear, you know, have a fake ear. You know, they'd have an elephant, but then one of his ears, they'd have just two, you know, they'd put a damn potted plant in the hole over there and you'd have a damn elephant ear plant growing out of the side, you know, is, and they paint that bitch gray over there. You'd see a guy on a ladder just painting that elephant, you know, just painting a big plant ear gray, just trying to line it all up and they put a big bow tie on him, call him big ginger or whatever. Spray paint red hair on his back. You know, it was just, you know, you'd see a giraffe with that bitch had a short neck on him. You know, you'd see a damn giraffe. He was four foot four and that bitch was just, you know, pissed too. Pissed. It almost looked like if you tickled him the right way, his neck would just, just, you know, get to the right size. You know, he was just like that wide neck. Remember that fella wide neck that was running around? He was a kind of an African American like running back that only played drugs or whatever. Like, you know what I'm saying? He didn't have a sport. And that was the circus. And it meant something. You were excited about it. And you talk about it at school and you'd go over there. And I just saw the flyer that a new one is, it was called the circus. It's like a, it kind of had looked like a, like a Cirque de Sole Cirque, like a Cirque de Sole circus, kind of search, you know, a, it just looked like a, um, like a rave for children kind of, you know, they had a couple of damn drones out there, you know, Palantir just shooting popcorn in the kids' mouths and stuff. Just, you know, it had a different sort of etiquette to it. And I don't even know if they had any animals. They had a couple of kind of gender neutral dudes just kind of whistling in each other's mouths type of deal. You know, they had a blind fella just kind of just singing Fred again, lyrics and stuff. It's just gotten very, uh, progressive. It feels like the circus. You know, they used to have real animals. You'd go out there, you'd see a couple of monkeys out there and you're over there and want them to be smoking for you. And if, you know, you pay, get you 50 cents over there, go visit that smocking monkey, see if he'll ask and your mama's back, you know, or something. And they had long arms. They'd ask on a, ask in a baby carriage or something like that. It was, you know, it was more involved. They let the animals live a little, you know, and they used to have real lions too. They'd have, you know, they had back, back then they had real lions. Now you got a couple, you got a couple of hearty women over there wearing Aidan Hutchinson jerseys, you know, and just complaining that their breasts are too big. Now they got a gluten free concession stand. Just a, you know, uh, they, the peanut allergies, they got that. So it's, you know, back in the day, they had a dude, you would find a dude at the circus with a peanut allergy. They would find that dude, they would give him a couple of handfuls of peanuts and then send that bitch running through a ring of fire, baby. While people in the crowd sang for those about to rock. Now it's just, they find a dude with a peanut allergy, right? They put him in a hazmat suit. They have him running, jump through a ring of peanuts into his two mother's arms. So it's, I'm just saying, yeah, it's just a different time, man. It's just a different time. And that's what time does. It keeps making things different, doesn't it? Man, time does not like to wear the same outfit, baby. That's the truth. Time likes to, uh, time likes every minute just freshly ironed, baby, right out the package. Time is just, you know, it's just, it likes to feel brand new, baby. But God, that circus was fun. You'd go over there and sometimes some of the circus workers, they just set themselves on fire and just collect down workman's comp right there, right in front of you. Fuck. People would cheer and just damn, just, you know, God and just pray. So yeah, it was just a different time, man. That's the circus. That's the circus. It's back. And we had a circus, we had a circus last week in New York and New York City. And I want to talk about that. I want to, uh, I want to just go through it because there's like a lot of stuff out there, speculation and all of that. And I want to just get super clear on it, right? Because I think a lot of people don't know like what went on. And it wasn't that crazy what went on. And I wish it was going to be a more exciting story, but I just want to, uh, yeah, I just want to share with you kind of what happened, I guess. And I don't want to make it a big deal, but I think, but I do want to like just kind of go into it, right? Um, you know, so mental health is important to me, right? It's important to me. We talk about that kind of stuff on here a lot and, hold on. And yeah, it's like, it's a, I think it's been something that we talk about a great deal and just think about and kind of explore, right? So, so I had a comedy special that we were taping. We were taping it last week and about a month before I started, I quit taking, uh, some antidepressants I was taking. You know, I just kind of self-ween myself off. And the reason why was because I wanted, like during the comedy show, I wanted to have a little bit more emotion during it. I wanted to have this kind of, like, I just wanted to have some more feelings. You know, if, um, if you ever take an antidepressants or if you haven't, uh, they, it kind of takes away your feelings kind of, you know, uh, so you just kind of stay in this space where you're okay. And it's nice. It's a safe space, but you don't, uh, you're like the astronaut that kind of stays on the ship sometimes. And you get to do the thumbs up and shit, but other dudes are like, you know, there are people, other people are out there. Um, anyway, so I quit taking my medication because I wanted to have a little bit more feelings during the show. I wanted to be able to talk about stuff a little bit more that meant something to me and put it into the comedy show. So that, that was all going fine, right? I was doing fine with that. We're headed into the comedy show. And then the, the Charlie Kirk thing happened, right? The Charlie Kirk murder happened, which is really crazy. You know, it was just a crazy thing. Uh, I've talked about it before. I'm not going to talk about it anymore right now. Um, but a few days after that or maybe a week after that, they, the department of Homeland security put a video up online talking about, uh, they started making like trap beat edits and like banger edits to evicting people from the country, right? Or eliminating, um, illegal, illegals, maybe some criminals, some people just undocumented, all, you know, just across the spectrum, right? So they put a video of mine that I'd made for somebody in a parking lot, probably like maybe a year and a half ago, just jokingly, they put, I think it was a year and a half ago, they put it in at the front of this department of Homeland security, like trap beat. I think they had like, I'm not sure if they had like young boy layers or whatever they had, but it was, uh, it was kind of, it was ridiculous. And the video was a girl who walked up to me in a parking lot and she had said, Hey, my friend just got deported. What do you have to say? Or do you have a message? I can't remember what it was. And I was just like, bye. You know, and I didn't know if it was real or not. I had no idea. I was just joking around. It's a stranger came up to me in a parking lot. I think it was after a show and there were some people gathered around him or just kind of like, um, BS and taken, uh, pictures and just kind of associate, right? So anyway, long story short, that happens. So this video goes mega viral, 25 million, 30 million views. It's everywhere. And the front of the D of that Homeland security video, it's on the White House thing. It's on everything. It's, it's everywhere. And the first 10 seconds of it are me, right? Like, I don't have anything to do with this. Nobody asked me about it. You know, like nobody said, Hey, this is going to have like, and I have a lot of different thoughts about immigration, right? They're like showing people getting arrested. Like it's just an intense thing. Like, and why is the government even making these? I don't know. I, but that's where we're at in the world. And, and I have a lot of thoughts about immigration, right? I have a ton of them and we don't need to go into them all right now. I've talked about them on other episodes. Um, I feel like they're doing a lot of bookkeeping in the country right now because we're going to get into a surveillance state and everyone is going to have to be on the books, right? So that's why I believe that we're headed. Um, but this was just wild, you know, and people are like sending messages and like hateful stuff. And, you know, you think all these illegals and all this type of shit and like, I could talk to you ad nauseam about that, but, but this wasn't the time for it. Just was something that they used and put out there and everybody saw, right? So I'm getting a ton of hateful stuff and, and, and I'm trying to remember everything. I'm trying to kind of remember everything right now. And, um, but this video goes everywhere and I'm getting like a lot of like, dude, what the fuck? Just all kind of shit, right? Like my phone just blown like, what the hell? It's just like the last thing I needed, right? There's a week left to this special. Um, and this happens, you know, this thing comes out. And my father immigrated here from Nicaragua, right? Like one of my prized possessions is I have his immigration papers when he came here. Um, and I have him in a frame and, um, him and his, uh, siblings when they came here. And so I have tons of thoughts about it, but this, this was just fucked up, right? It was fucked up and it was everywhere. It was like on all platforms and stuff. So, so that had me really kind of paranoid. You know, that had me start to get kind of paranoid and, um, you know, like closing, like, you know, I had the curtains in my house kind of close. I was just like, you know, you're paranoid. I woke up the next morning. Sorry, I need some water. I woke up the next morning to a text from a high government official saying, hey, if you need, uh, some extra security in your neighborhood, um, or some extra police cars on patrol, let me know. And I'm like, what? What are you talking about? Extra security? I don't have any, like, you know, I don't even know the code to my ring camera. Like I don't even know how to log in. So it's like, and then, and like, what are you just going to put police cars in my neighborhood? What are my neighbors going to think now they're fearful? Like it just like, I don't know, man, that like really kind of shook me. It really kind of shook me. Um, but you just, you keep marching on, you know, and you start getting security and then now, but now you have security, right? And the thing is, you just don't know. You just don't know. Right. There was a moment on the, like it was White House because the White House also put this out. Thank you, White House. Um, that, and look, I'm all for like the board. I'm all for tighter boards. I'm all for like accurate knowing who's on. I'm all for knowing who is in a country. I'm all for knowing what's in the cupboard of a society. I think you should know every, I think you should know every item on the log. I think it should be known, right? I do. Now, how do you get there? That's the bigger question. And we don't have to discuss that today. Right? It's not about that. Um, and sorry I'm going slow. I'm trying to piece this together. So now I have this thing with security, but then you get a security person and they, now you're, if you're walking on a security guide, then that's kind of uncomfortable because now you're like, it kind of makes you spooked. You're like, what's going on? So there's just like all of that's happening. And then we get to just the job, the job, right? Like, which is performing, speaking in front of strangers. Like you had just seen this thing with Charlie Kirk, right? It's like, like we all watch somebody get lit up. We all watch somebody get murdered casually on our phones, right? Like, and I don't mean to say it like that, but that's how it all, it came across to us. There's no warning on a lot of video you see in like, so just a lot of, uh, I think unnecessary pressure, a lot of stress going on that I did. Some of it I was aware of and some of you just don't know you're aware of it, I think, you know, because I think like, um, like you just, sometimes you don't know what stress you're holding. You know, one day there was a, I got a call from a friend of mine and they said they were going into rehab and I just started bawling, right? And I didn't realize that there was a part of me that was waiting to hear that from them and that it, uh, it really made me feel some type of way, you know? So sometimes it's like, you just don't know what stress is you're holding. Anyway, uh, so, so anyway, we, so we get to the, the shows, right? We're there and it's a lot, you know, it's a lot. There's a lot of like last minute choices to be made. Um, it seemed to go messier than the past specials that I taped, right? It seemed to be a lot more confusion and it all could have been just kind of my perception, right? Because what started to happen was on this day, I was starting to feel, uh, a little bit like, I don't know if manic is a word, I don't know what manic means. I've said manic, but I don't manic meaning. Let me see. What does it mean when someone is manic? Oh, it says trying to meet man's. That's the first one. Like this is fucking, see, this is how bad shit's gotten. You're, you know, you're trying to figure out if you have some sort of an anxiety disorder. And next, you know, you get damn emails from like, uh, a local men's bar or whatever. It is defined as an extremely unstable, euphoric or irritable mood along with an excessive activity or energy level. Okay. Excessively rapid thought and speech. I probably could have used a little more of that. So I think I started to feel kind of mildly manic. I think it was just being off the medication. I think, uh, and it wasn't insane. It was just little things like the second I got on stage, the first show, my, I couldn't feel any moisture in my mouth. And I started to feel like, um, you ever remember that feeling if you were in high school when you got high and then you were standing there talking to your friends and you were just too high and you were just literally standing there just trying to pretending to be yourself a little bit. So I had a little bit of that going on. And it started off choppy. The first show, it started off kind of choppy week. We were doing like a new intro with Joey Diaz at the last minute and he was pretty goomed up, you know, he's Coco and, uh, and it was a blessing that he was there, but we hadn't ran through it. And so it just like a lot of, um, like things at the last minute, but yeah, I'm on stage and the second half of the first show went good. And there were some beats that I got that had like an emotional piece to them that I wanted. And that felt exciting. But, but the whole show, it was, it was, uh, there were parts where I just couldn't remember the next thing. I couldn't remember like my next sequence. Like I was having trouble just keeping track of stuff. And that's when I really was like, Oh man, I'm, uh, I'm just off tonight. You know, I just, you know, it is just like, I'm just off tonight. And not even, I think I remember saying to the audience like, thank you guys just for being here for me, you know, like, uh, and, and the audience was cool, man. People were, were happy to be there. They were super stoked when I came out. I started to feel bad that I wasn't giving them the best show, but the showing it up going a little bit long, blah, blah, blah. We get to half time or in between the two shows and Chris Rock is backstage. He's there. My favorite, right? Like, I mean, I see Chris Rock smile and you just feel like that's going to be good. You know, this is, it's almost like when, you know, somebody that was good in class at making a good joke. And then you see him and you're like, Oh, the Michael Jordan has arrived, you know, like that thing, like, um, so anyway, seeing him and it kind of like, I kind of, I was like, almost way so excited about seeing him. Like I was very excited, but then I realized I was kind of over excited. Um, he enjoyed the show, you know, and, and so I went into the second show feeling like, okay, I got to figure some of this out. I couldn't tell if people were like being like legit, like, okay, was it good? Was it bad? What was going on? And then I took an ice bath between the shows. I was doing my yoga, the same usual stuff I do. Anyway, sorry, I know this is getting long, but, uh, and then we did the second show in the second show. We started out fire first 22 minutes were cooking and then I just, I couldn't remember stuff. And we didn't put a teleprompter. We, like we've done it for other specials. We didn't do it. And that was a bad choice. I don't know if I probably made the choice for sure. I don't remember, but so I had to ask for a hell, you know, I was like having to ask off stage because I wanted to get everything in sequence. You know, and I think I got stuck on this like sequence thing and, um, and it was just hard, man. It just, you know, I just did, I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was trying to kind of pretend to be myself and it wasn't insane or extreme. It just, that was it. And we got to the end of the show and we were standing around afterwards with the producers and the director, my friend Kevin and just like, did we get it? You know, did we get it? Excuse me. Did we get it good enough? You know, because I want this special to be, you know, you know, you, you do the material for so long. And my buddy Neil Brennan said this the other day before it. He said, uh, I gotta hear him. I was today. He said, dude, this is the last time you'll ever spend with this material. You know, it's really the last time you'll probably ever do it. And, and this material has been, it's been a friend of me over the years. It's been, you know, it's taken me around the world. You know, it's gotten me to see a lot of people that love me and that I love. Um, so that was just a neat sentiment of a way to like embrace the material and stuff. But I was just at the end of the night. I was like, I don't know if we got it. And they're like, yeah, well, let's edit together something and see. I was like, okay, but I just, I don't, I couldn't feel the magic. You know, I just was off. And, and that was it. We left the show. We left the theater. Um, we took pictures. I went up by the stage at the end of the, at the end of each show and we're like taking pictures of people that are sitting there. And, and that's when some girl, there was a clip of me, um, which I think this is what really like, this is what made things ridiculous. Uh, wherein passing, I just was like, or I don't know if it was in passing. I haven't seen the clip, honestly. And I haven't been online. Um, I woke up the next day to like a bunch of things like, bro, what's up or things like that. And I was like, Oh my God, you know, what's going like, did, you know, did I, you know, did I steal somebody's horse? Did I hit somebody with a vehicle? You know, what I've no idea, you know, it was just kind of alarming. Um, and then a buddy of mine sent me a clip and I could just see the outside is like, uh, you could see me on stage and then people were asking me about suicide. And I was like, Oh God, you know, um, and I don't even remember exactly what I said, but I can certainly see me saying something like, oh, just trying not to take my own life. You know, um, um, which I understand it's not a joke to some people, right? It's not a joke to me. But it is something that I'll, you know, I'll say stuff. Sometimes I say stuff, right? I, you, you know, you know that if you've listened to this show before or seen anything, you know, I say stuff. Um, I would never take my own life. I would never take my own life. Okay. You hear that Israel? I would never take my own life. I'm grateful to God, uh, for his grace in my life. Um, I love my siblings. Um, I have so many friends and people that love me and people that I want to see their children grow up. I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that I get to have a wife and meet my, and meet my own children one day. Like there's a ton of things in my life that keep me alive and hopeful, right? I want to be able to have an impact in the world. Um, those are just a few of them probably, you know, I mean, so many just moments we've shared on this show that I'm like, Oh, I live for those things. You know, I mean, I want to see Vandy win a, uh, a championship. So I'm going to have to be alive for a long time. You know what I'm saying? Type shit. Uh, so, but anyway, so anyway, that was, uh, you know, so I woke up to that and I was like, Oh man. And I guess I had like a lot of different, uh, well, in addition to that, people wrote articles, Oh, this is bad. And look, it wasn't great. I didn't love it. And I had a lot of people that said it was great though. Like I have people say, dude, we loved it. It was great. So, but I didn't think it was, I didn't think it was perfect, you know, for sure. But I thought, let's just look at the edit and see. Um, and so we still haven't decided we might shoot again at some point. I don't know what's going to go on, but there was just this energy now where it was like everybody started checking on me and I was like, Oh man, this is tough. And yeah. And there's people that would think like, Oh, well he failed or who want to write up, write up something that says he failed or make a meme. I saw one thing it said, uh, bombs, Netflix or whatever, taping or whatever. Awesome. Thank you, dude. Um, but homie, I was fucking in that bitch because you should have seen me, dog. You should have seen me. You know, you ever see that show dog and a lot of times you'll see that dog show and it's that, uh, we stomaced. I think it's we stomaced. The we stomaced the dog show. You see that bitch boy and they got some dogs in that bitch and then they got that other, bro. They got that other little, uh, that little, I mean this bitch was just a little thought wilder. This bitch, you know, they got that little male thought wilder rolling up. You're like, Dan, a little bit, you know, he got a little, maybe a ankle it on or something. Maybe he got a house arrest bracelet on his tail, but that bitch is in there and they like, Dan, he ain't supposed to be here, but he's over there. He's listening to DMX. We ride. And all the other dogs got all them crazy tricks and he just fucking he'll gamble on his phone real quick or do something like that or he'll fucking run a parlay or something on his phone. And that's his trick. And he'll smoke a Virginia slim right there and hit that bitch. You know what I'm saying? So anyway, what I'm saying is, bitch, I'm out there. I'm in the ring, bro. And I failed so many times you could write, well, bro, write what you want, big dog. Write what you want. It wasn't perfect, man. I'll agree to that. And if, you know, and if I've gotten so used to times I have failed, it's okay. How do you fail your breakfast, but I'm fucking you fill me up with failure flakes over the years, kids. And it's okay, man. That's part of the job. The first 10 years doing comedy is failure. So much of my life, the best things that have ever happened on my life have been on the other side of failure. And yeah, it would be great if one day we could all live in a space where we all, you know, we lived in a neighborhood where everybody when they went out in the world, they was potentially going to fail. We were riding right on the edge, baby. You know, and that we admired that about each other. So anyway, I'm not looking to like downplaying or make it, you know, we might reshoot it again, we'll see what happens and and that's it, you know, because you don't, if you like, if you're not on that risk of failing, I don't know what I'm going to be. If I'm not on that risk of failing, I don't know what I'm going to be. It's like a bulb, you know, a plant bulb. If you saw like a plant bulb is kind of brave, right? Like a, a floral bulb, right? Because if he just stays a bulb, he's just that little green, little monster, right? That little nugget. But when he blasts open, you don't, he don't know what he's going to get out that bit, bro. He might be a rose. He might be a deaf, uh, deaf, a deal, brother. He might be a, um, he might be a damn, uh, sucky bus or whatever. He might be a gladioli. He, you don't know. When you pop that top, what you going to get out of yourself? Imagine you walked through the woods and all the flowers, they just, just loked out. They all just in hiding, bro. They're all in witness protection program bulbs. But nah, they took that shot. Oh, bitch. So anyway, I don't know if I'm, if I'm rambling or just fluffing my own ego, but, um, so that was it, man. And there was a video about, you know, and that, that, and so, so that stuff happened. And, but then the thing that like made everything hectic was, uh, someone recorded a video of me making a passive comment, joking around about, um, about suicide. And I didn't even mean to, I didn't know if you were recording me at that time. I don't think, or I don't think that they are anymore. And I think I got to evolve in my own head that that's how things are now. So, and another thing that happened, I didn't even tell anybody this, but I went to the doctors like a couple weeks ago. This was like, I think two days after the Charlie Kirk shit, I went to the doctors and, uh, and I'm in the doctor room and it's just me and a nurse and she comes in and I'm talking about, you know, I got to get a check up and everything where they do your nuts or whatever, you know. And so I'm talking, you know, we're talking about body and everything and, uh, you know, um, you know, talking about genitals or whatever, right? And body. And so we have this conversation and then the nurse, she says after, she says, uh, she's like, Hey, I brought, I brought something for you. I'm like, huh? And she's like, I brought something for you. And it really spooked me, bro, because I'm in a doctor's office, right? This is a place where you think you can be safe. And, um, and man, that was, that was a tough moment. My mom was in town. And after that, I remember sitting in my car, sitting in my car with her and I kind of got a little teared up because I was like, Oh man, no place is kind of safe anymore. You know, and the girl just wanted to do something nice, right? I think she wanted to give me something. I don't know, but it was just that invasiveness of like, man, this is like supposed to be a very private place. And I mentioned it to the doctor and then I even, you know, I made sure that the nurse didn't feel like bad. You know, she's just trying to be a nice person. You know, I believe that her motives were in a good place. Um, I don't hold any ill will against her, but it was just like, I don't know. There was just a lot of little things that were adding up to stress. And so, um, yeah, that's what happened. Um, and it's just been like, I've had so many people reach out. So thank you so much. I've had so many people say nice things. I can't believe, like to me, it felt very kind of like in passing. Um, and then I was just kind of burnt out. Uh, but just know that I'm now, I'm never at a place like that. You know, I'm far from a place like that. You know, there may have been times when I was a kid or something, I had some negative, you know, some stuff was scary, but yeah, I'm going to be here. I'm going to be here. You're going to be here and we're going to be here together like we always been. And, um, and that was it. There was nothing else to the evening. We tried like to really keep things together. Um, there was no drug issue. There was no like, I mean, when Coco showed up, there was smoke in the, you know, it's like, but there was no, there wasn't like, it was just, there was just like, just the fuse was short going into it. The fuse was short going into it. I remember right when we got to the theater, some guy was supposed to show me to my dressing room. He took me on like a seven minute journey out into the fucking caverns of some building. I don't even know where we were. We were like, there was like teens being in the turtles there and I was like, Oh, fuck, I'm already, this is, I could feel my fuse being pretty low. Uh, so, but I still tried. I think they're looking back. I think they're looking back. Maybe I should have like pulled the core. You know, I don't know though. You know, you don't, you don't kind of know until you know where you, until where you are, you know? And so I don't think I would have done anything different. I made all the choices. I didn't realize how much stress I had and that's it. Um, but I do want to, I do want to say this about suicide, right? Like, you know, a friend of mine, a close friend of mine, uh, years ago, his sister, um, was dealing with a lot of stuff. She was dealing with a lot of stuff. And she couldn't say she, she was having trouble talking about it. Like, you know, she was having trouble talking about it. She didn't want to bother people. And she finally told a member of their family and they didn't want to worry everybody in the family with it. And so they kind of told the rest of the family that she had mono. And so she was suffering. Uh, and then like within a year, she had taken her own life, right? She just couldn't handle where she was at. And I think it's, and I just want to say her name, Christiane, and just let her know that people think of her and that her brothers love her and that, um, and that she's an angel out in the universe, keeping tabs on people. And that's a beautiful thing. But I think about that story from my, from my buddy sometimes, and it's like, I think people get stuck in a space where they're like, yeah, I'm going to bother somebody if I, or I've already told my friends so many times and I'm not doing good. I don't, none of that stuff matters. It's like, however you have to speak up about something, if you have to, um, I think it's worth trying to try and more, you know, and I don't know if that means anything. I'm just saying, yeah, I don't know what I'm saying. I think I just wanted to, uh, just have a moment and just let it be known that, um, that that young lady is missed. I think maybe that's something that I just wanted to think about out loud and that, however you have to say something, say it, but I was just joking, man. And I know it's not something to joke about. And I get that. And I appreciate all like the beautiful concern and the thank yous and like just the outpouring. I just started to feel like, God, I don't even know how to tell everybody that I was just joking. Um, and I joke about some dark stuff sometimes and I joke about everything and I think that's what makes you able to do comedy. Sometimes I don't know. I don't want to like look at myself too much like that because that gets kind of ego-y, but, um, but yeah, I'll be here forever and we got to see how this fucking circus goes, you know, we got to see how this, this short giraffe balls out. So I love you and, uh, and thank you for loving me. I could, it would take me forever to thank everybody for the nice messages. It really would. Um, but gosh, I'm fine. Don't treat me weird. Don't be weird. I'm not weird. I'm chill. You're good. We ride and bro. We ride and bro type shit, boy. Um, let's get to a few calls that came in here. Um, and maybe we'll keep it in this space. Let me see what we got right here. Here's one right here. Let's get to it. You know, I've always had a money goal. Had me a goal, get me some money, achieve that goal. That's been it. I wanted to go to Antarctica, Antarctica Rica. That's what I used to think it was called and it was sounded more tropical when you say it like that, but later I found out it was freezing and you're not allowed. So had to change it up. But what I'm talking about is having a money goal. Acorns helps you grow towards the money goals you have today and the ones you'll have tomorrow. Acorns makes it easy to start doing more with your money. In fact, you can start automatically investing with just your spare change. I just got my nephew set up. So his spare changes accumulate and while he's just doing his little life, sign up now and join the over 14 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns. Plus Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment offer available at acorns.com slash th e o. That's a c o r n s dot com slash Theo to get your $20 bonus investment today. Acorns is a C-registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash th e o. gives you clean focused energy without the crash, sugar or sketchy ingredients. For me, it's the easiest upgrade I've made to my routine. Swapping in the neuro because I like gum. I like having me something in my mouth. I like my mouth staying busy and just occupado a Spanish for busy neuro energy and focus is powered by natural green tea caffeine, L theanine for calm focus and vitamin B12 and B6 for better mood and metabolism. They've also got caffeine free options, memory and focus gum with American ginseng. Yeah, that's a mental bump without the jitters right there. They've also got sleep and recharge mints with melatonin and chamomile. Helps you wind down at night without gummies that tastes like melted jelly ranchers. For a limited time, you can get 20% off your first order at neuro gum.com by using code Theo. That's neuro gum.com and use code th e o for 20% off your first order. You can also find neuro at CVS and Amazon. You know, I've noticed over the years of how much it takes to make something go. You know, you can't just put a steering wheel and tie it to a couple wheels and then you got an automobile. You can't just put a business idea and open a website and then you got a business. You got to put in the time. You know, when we started podcast and we, uh, we wanted to have a merch shop so somebody could get them a little item, a little tank top, a little tank, Keeney or something to support the brand. But things started to get busy and the growth was outpacing the attention we were giving it. And we needed help. Thankfully, ShipStation was there. ShipStation centralizes your shipping tasks in one easy platform and their rate browser automatically finds you the best rates across more than 200 carriers at discounts up to 90%. That's right. And you can automate repetitive or tedious tasks to save time and reduce errors. You can even create custom automations just for your workflow upgrade to the shipping software that does more than keep up with your business. ShipStation propels it forward. Start your 60 day free trial at ShipStation.com slash thio. That's ShipStation.com slash Theo. As always, you know, this episode is sponsored by Better Help. Hey, I've needed help. We've all needed it. I've gotten it on and off over the years. I've gotten it at times. I've gotten it from Better Help themselves. I remember I was out there driving, I was on an S curve and it was just too much. I was in a four speed or maybe a three speed Ford S-Cord. I couldn't handle it. Had to pull over and just call, God, I need some help. And bam, there they were. Better Help. Better Help therapists have helped over five million people worldwide on their mental health journeys. That's millions of stories, millions of journeys. And behind everyone is a therapist who showed up, listened, and helped someone take a step forward. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, Better Help can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Thio. That's BetterHELP.com slash Theo. Here's one right here. Let's get to it. Theo, my name is Tom and I've called a number of times. What's up, Tom, brother? Thank you for calling, man. Well, thank you for calling back. Onward. I just want to thank you again for everything you do just from being real, for not being too good for anybody. And the thought line, bro, I'm sure it means a lot to a lot of people. Lost my son a year and a half ago to suicide. And it was tough, man. I still have nightmares and visions of just seeing that, finding that. And I don't know, man, it's hard to talk about. But I found your show about, I'd say, four months after that happened. And when I tell you that you gave me a reason to laugh for the first time since it happened, you did, bro. And I got to say that being an addict and being clean for the last five and a half years, it would have been really easy to use as an excuse to go back. But I didn't. And I truly believe that God, number one, and just being able to laugh again, kept me free. And I feel like, honestly, saved my life, brother. And I appreciate it. I love you. I love what you do. Thank you for everything. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, brother. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I bet he misses you. And I bet he loves you. And they may not even have feelings over there where you miss people. I bet it's just pure love. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't even... There's not a word I could give you, you know, except that I'm happy to hear your voice today. You know, and thanks. Thanks for letting me make... Thank you for letting me be a part of your laughter. You know, sometimes when I'm like in pain and stuff, I won't even let people make me laugh, kind of. It's like, you know, that stuff when you're like young or something or something's rough and you want to laugh and it's like, you won't let somebody make you laugh. It's like almost out of posterity and stuff. But man, thank you, bro. Thank you just for sharing that story today. And for letting us have a moment to remember him. I don't even know what he looks like, you know, but I'm just going to remember a sweet soul that loved his father and that was trying his best in the world. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. He seems like a... He feels like a neat kid. So thank you so much, Tom, for sharing that with us today. Let's hear another... Let's hear another call. We'll take one more here. What do we got here? Hey, what's up, Theo? My name is Lane. What's up, Lane, baby? And you hear a lot about that Lane, baby? The HOV Lane, brother, that threesome. Let's hear more about it. And I just want to call in and give my son a shout out. His name is Matteo. He's three years old. And he's finishing chemo for the second time. And I just want to ask... Let's go! Let me catch his name again. I just want to call in and give my son a shout out. His name is Matteo. He's three years old. And he's finishing chemo for the second time. And I just want to ask for a prayer, brother. You know, a prayer that should don't come back. Prayer from the community. And yeah, shout out to my wife for holding us down through this hard time. And I want to speak into existence that, you know, fuck it, I'm going to do some stand-up comedy. You know, you've been a big inspiration. So shout out to you too, Theo. Peace. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the call, man. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm glad your son is being a warrior. You know, I'm glad you're here speaking prayer towards your son. I'm glad you're requesting prayer. I'm glad that you're reminding us it's okay to call others and ask for prayer and ask for energy. You know, God, we forget that. I forget that all the time. I forget that all the time. Yeah, let's I'll say a prayer right now. Well, God, we've lift up Matteo to you and just keep his smile hopeful and keep him cancer-free, God. And let him have the joy that he wants in the world. And we lift up his mother to you, God, and just all the all the energy you continue to give her and all the mothers out there who, who have to deal with children who are suffering with illnesses. Man, that can be a heavy burden. And we give thanks, God, that in in witnessing other people triumph and witnessing this man witnessing his young son battle through chemotherapy, that it inspires him to go out and do things, that inspires him to take on things that like if he wants to do comedy or he wants to sing or he wants to do a backflip online or whatever he wants to do, you know, that it inspires him, that it pushes him through any potential failure, you know, because failure is just a little bit of bootleg fear. That's all that shit is. That's all it's shit. That's aftermarket fear, cut. But God, we lift him up, man. Man, that's inspiring. It is inspiring to see a little three-year-old fell out there, wilding around, ringing that chemo, that cancer-free bell out there, and then Randy Moss out there, ringing that bitch. That's beautiful, man. And I lift up my buddy MK, man. There's a friend of mine named MK and his wife and their family is dealing with a lot of tragedy right now. Their brother, her brother got shot. And I don't know even the situation right now, but but yeah, I just want to lift him up, God, and just let his heart know that he's not alone, and let her heart know, and her brother's heart know that they're not alone, that people are thinking of them. And yeah. So in your name we pray, amen, man. I think we did pretty good today. This is as good as I can do today, guys. You know, I appreciate you. I appreciate you getting all the warm messages. I'm sorry I rambled a lot about what happened in New York City, but I wanted to take a few days to kind of digest it because it was all out of my control. It wasn't all out of my control, but there was a lot of stuff going on. I'm like, some of this is real, some of this is not. And I don't like to take any action when I'm a little bit tired, you know. So I want to thank the people that did come out to the show and I saw it and it was what it was. It was what it was, boy, at that we smith stuff, bro. No, but thank you. Thank you to anybody that's come out to my show. Thank you to anybody that's just been supported, that's been a part of this group. We're good. We're good here. We're good here. So I just want you to know that wholeheartedly. I'm not here. We're good here. And I'm looking forward to actually taking some time off. I just want to do things that are fun for me. I want to spend time around my friends and stuff like that. And then at the same time, I got to get a little bit of space. Sometimes I spend so much time, like on my phone, these things like just texting, so many things that are just kind of like, I just want to be able to have a little bit of peace for myself and I deserve it. Right? And I deserve it. We all deserve it. And so, yeah, I want to thank everybody for their calls. I want to thank everybody for their care. I want to thank everybody for their calls, sharing their own words and stories on the hotline. And I did get back on my medication. I want people to know that. I'm not worried about that kind of stuff. And maybe one day I'll be able to be off of it. I'm going to make sure that I work with a doctor. If I think about that again, but one day it would be nice to be able to kind of have all your feelings in a manageable way and to have all of your feelings. So, all right. Thank you guys so much. And man, we've got a lot of life to look forward to. I believe that. And I know you do too. And yeah, you guys be good to yourselves. I'm going to do the same thing. Okay. I promise. All right. I'm upstairs. Gang, baby. It's hard to concentrate when you're worried about your health. It can feel like there's a wall between you and the rest of the world, like you can't be fully present. Hello, AXA Health. How can I help? At AXA Health Insurance, we build our teams with people who care. So when you need us, we're here to support you for cover that cares, search AXA Health Insurance, pre-existing conditions are not covered.