Dating Red Flags and Friendship Deal Breakers

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I just don't want to engage in that type of conversation for my own heart's sake. I always hold this too. It's not gossiping if it's true. I do the silent treatment. It would be an improvement if I did the silent treatment. We need to meet in the middle. I'm more like, let me tell you something. Welcome back to Always... Are you starting without a plan one? Are you okay? You do it first. Are you okay? No. Ready? Keep that in mind. Try it again. Cut. One, two, three. Welcome back to Always Here. I'm your host, Abby Howard. And Abby Howard. Sorry. Abby's pregnant too. What is this? Continuing. Continuing. You just watched that clip? I was cracking up. I was in one stop, this protein shop place, and I was laughing at myself. These guys are probably like, also, I just bought a protein shake and the guy that was like, there's two employees and the other guy working there was talking about, he's like, oh, is he a 2009 kid too? Talking about hockey, him and this very successful hockey player both born in 2009. If you wanted to feel old today. And how old were they? Oh my gosh. 20. Wait, it's not 20, 29. 17. 17. Is that not? That is kind of weird. 2009. I don't feel like to bore a born in those years. And if they were their children. Here's my marker. How old my little brother is. Anyone older than him? Infant. What year was Blake born? 2001. 2001. I'm like 2000. No, 2001 as well. The very beginning now. In case anyone wanted to feel a little bit more seasoned today. That was me. I was like. It's happening. I had to hold myself back from saying, you were born in 2009. And you're talking in full sentences. You're an employed person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're aging. I just felt like I needed to. I don't know. Can you imagine if you worked in like corporate workspace? How old would you feel? I just feel like when you work corporate, you're like around so many younger people and they're always coming up and like, I feel like I always see those tick tock jokes with them being like the millennial versus. I'm used to being like the youngest. I felt like everywhere, like in the circles, I was like the youngest and now it's just not necessarily the case anymore. I remember in school when we were talked about like the millennial generation, the upcoming generation and now millennials are old and it's, you know, just more experience. Yeah. We're just out of the range of people don't care about us. Like high schoolers. Wow. That's far away. We've been studied. They don't need to study us anymore. We've been studied. Well, how are you doing? I am good. Good. Yeah. Should we do our hopes in our hearts? Let's do it. Okay. You want to go first? Okay. Well, my hope was obviously our always here event. We did our workout together and I just kept talking Matt's ear off afterwards. Yeah. Because also, okay, so many things. First of all, we, I don't really do, I don't never have, have, have I done a live event ever basically? No. Like twice maybe max. And it was really, really, really cool. It was. And here's my favorite part. Well, first of all, getting to meet you guys was so cool because I felt a weird sense of pride in the fact that these are the people that are attracted to our podcast. Like I felt proud of you guys for myself. Yeah. You turn to me and you go, um, this says something about us because these girls are all awesome. They're all awesome. And I was like, wow, wow, I'm using this to gas myself up. Yeah. You guys are so awesome. Truly. Um, but it really is cool to just see like, okay, the people that like enjoy our show, like what kind of people are those? Cause like we see your comments, we see your feedback, but like this was really cool. Yeah, it was. And, um, secondly, I just kept thinking about how strong women are. Yeah. Like everyone in that room, like I know some, I mean, just from talking to you guys, cause I really think we personally talked to every single person, which was really, really cool. Yeah. It was the best part. Um, struggling with people have come up to me talking about miscarriage, talking about, you know, juggling, having multiples or on their first pregnancy or having gotten a bad diagnosis, dealt with cancer. Like not single and like having trouble. So many stages of life. Yeah. Yeah. We all showed up and sweat together and did some really impressive things with our bodies together. And like it was just so cool. Like I just, I can't even, it was so humbling to just like hearing you guys talk about like, oh yeah. I'm, I started listening to this podcast and I listened. I share it with my mom. I share with my sister and lost my sister, my, my friends. We all listen every week, which is so special. But then also people that have like tuned in for years, like one sweet, sweet lady that came brought her hoodie from when Matt and I first did merch back in Springfield. Oh my God. And she's like, I just wanted to show you like I like, and that was so cool. So Springfield, Missouri, I haven't lived there for like six years. Yeah. So that was just super cool. And I feel like that also just made us like immediate friends with you guys. Totally. I know, sorry. I'm stealing the mic. I mean, I love it. Keep going. The third best element about that was also like you guys were becoming friends with each other. And because we were like, I mean, we all are different, but then also have this same shared like, I don't know, general interest. Yeah. And life stage or whatever it may be. And people were like sharing contacts and we're like, oh yeah, we're going to hang out or like get our kids together. And it was just so, so cool. Yeah. And the last thing I swear to goodness is that I love that we were doing it alongside you. I feel like I've always been very hesitant about like live events. And I hope this doesn't come across as any certain way. This is just genuinely how I feel. No, I don't like situations where it feels like I'm already, like I already feel like being posting online puts me on a certain pedestal, but like doing a live event where I'm like, I don't know, like on a stage come to meet me. Like and let me, I don't know, like watch me, watch me, watch me. Like pictures of me. This was able to be like, look at you, look at you, look at you. Like, I don't know. And so like the fact that we were able to work out together and do an activity together and like all as friends and equals was also just like perfect format in my opinion. Yeah. Totally. Oh wow. I haven't talked in way too much. No, I agree with all those things. It's really, I think it made it feel so extra worth it hearing that girls connected to with each other because I felt like a common comment that girls made to me was like, I'm so grateful that you guys are doing, that you started this podcast and actually are trying to like form community, especially for like young moms, newly married women, like these seasons of life that are transitional and can feel lonely. Like it's been really comforting to me that you guys have started this podcast and I feel seen in a lot of ways. And so then now you guys doing this live event and it's like it is a local event. And so these girls all do live relatively close. And so there is just like that element of like, we're trying to make our big city feel smaller. And I just maybe want to do it in other cities. I think that's what's so humbling about it too though, is that like because of this podcast, it's becoming so much bigger than just us. Right. Because of like what you guys were able to do and like build upon like this community. And I will shout out some people did fly in for this a bit, which was crazy and such an honor to. So amazing. That was just like, I feel like I've always been like kind of a Debbie Downer at the thought of like doing live events, but this really, this really flipped my coin. Oh yeah. Is that a phrase? I'm just going to flip my coin. I flip my coin. I like it. We'll start making a note. Know what that means. Don't say that. People might be like inappropriate. No, no, no. But I, yeah, I agree. It was really fun. And I think I had the nerves too. Like I don't want this to just be like an about us thing. Like I, and I think it did feel like we were meeting you guys, not necessarily you're coming to meet us. Yeah. I mean, like I felt like that was like, I want to meet all these girls and talk to them and just be, I don't know, get to know. Do you want to tell them that you had nervous diarrhea before? I had such bad nervous diarrhea. Hey, we bonded over that. Bonded over that. I'm so good at ease. Yeah, we did too. I did too. It's okay. Oh no. Yeah, yeah. We were bonding over the fact that we both had some issues in the morning before, but. Well, I have pregnancy constipation, so don't take that as my energy was so good. My energy was so chaotic. I was just doing high kicks and acting so erratic. I just like couldn't calm it down. I showed Caleb a video because I got it on video actually of me doing, I did four high kicks in a row just like by myself in the corner like, I haven't done a high kick in years. That's so funny. It was goofy. No, I think it shows that even we like had the setup and we, we put the donuts and the drinks outside and we had the balloons and all things. We didn't think that people were going to stand in the line to say hi to you guys. Like that was epic, but it was, it just shows that like that wasn't how we thought it was going to go because we're like, you're just want to meet the community and hang out. And so it's fun. You're, you shout out to the moms. They were running the, the drinks and the donuts and the treats afterwards. And so they came inside and went down the line and gave everyone treats, which was so sweet. I do actually have to call it our mom's. They did so much. Yeah, they helped out so much, but then. I have to call it your mom. Your parent, your both your moms. Okay. Teaser moms are going to come on the podcast. You know what this is? That's what I'm going to say. Did you know that they stopped? They told me they need to talk to me at the gym this morning and they sat me down. I said, I don't know what authority you think I have. They said, I had you have all of the authority. Okay. Here are demands. Oh gosh. Wait a minute. Let's preface this by saying we invited our moms on the podcast for a Mother's Day episode and maybe we're regretting it. Yeah. I was like, what is this like drinks and food you want on set? What are these demands? Hair and makeup. Oh, my gosh. Good lighting. Well, and I was like, well, we're in a studio. They think we're ugly. It's going on. And she said, if you would like more, we will give those demands as well. They want us to pay for their hair and makeup. Yeah. Yeah. I said, I'll be able to do your hair and makeup. Yeah. I'm like, Abby's talented. I did her makeup for my wedding. She thinks it needs to be better than that. No, Lori, Lori did say, oh yeah, Abby could do it. So Lori did say you could do it. Well, that actually isn't even what I was going to say. Oh, oh, oh. So tell us more. Next thing, you guys, we are literally going to regret this so much. Oh, my gosh. So then the other thing is that we get a text from our friend, Ashley. Yeah. And she's like, you know what? I just was at anthropology and I ran into both your moms trying on new clothes for the podcast. They're getting a whole new wardrobe. I love it. I'm like, do you understand? I'm wearing sweats. I was like, you know what, mom, just get pants. You're going to be sitting, we're going to be sitting low. Okay. We're going to be sitting real low. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, our new chairs. Our new chairs. So get some pants. That's what I told her. This is just so wild. I know. They're like, I'm like, wow, we better come prepared for you ladies. Who would have thought that they would be the guests that show the most Eva behavior? Of course. Yes. I know. Honestly, when we said mother's episode, I was like, uh-oh, here we go. No, just kidding. Here's the thing. I only knew that my mom was going to do it because your mom was going to do it. Oh, my mom was going to pressure her to do it for sure. But I was like, well, wait a minute. And I was like, well, mom, Ruth's already in. So, and then Ruth didn't know anything about it. We just knew she'd be it. That was the problem. She's like, Ruth said you never told her. We're like, we have a chance. We knew she was in the cab. Okay. She was going to do it. I love it. Our chain of command of communication is so funny. Sometimes my mom hears things from Lauren. She's like, well, she's like, did you know that Matt and Abby were going to be in Hawaii for a couple of weeks? I was like, no, but I'm sure they were going to tell me eventually. And she was like, well, Lori told me it's going to be a couple of weeks. I know they're going to tell me. It's actually going to be a couple of weeks. I'm sure my mom is telling your moms that they're always like telling us the things that they know behind the scenes that we're talking about in our homes. And then we're laying the information to each other. Hi. I'm like, it was going to get to me. I'm not like, it's always happy like that. It's like, we need a reality TV show. We need a reality show. Honestly, we do. Like I can hear your mom's in the dressing room and I have to follow her. I'm so crazy. I just, I mean, going back to the event, our moms were such a huge help. Yes. Hannah on her team. She was an amazing help. She did all the content, like organized so well was just so on top of things. Addie, you did an amazing job planning and setting up. Seriously. Sam, who was the trainer, she wrote an incredible workout. Yeah. And just kept the energy so high. And Amanda, who did the balloons from Cactus Blossom balloons, she did such a good job. An element in Unreal for sending us drinks. Unreal and Element. Appreciate that. I mean, they made the day. Delicious. Amanda said she got several inquiries after the event, which made me really happy. Yay. Good. She's so stoked. Check out her. That was so fun going to the gym on Monday and this stuff was so, I was like, should we take out an adventure? I got embarrassed. CJ ran up to it and was like, balloons, my balloons. Like he recognized it. Oh really? Yeah. Our friend, Randy, who works in the daycare, her kids also went and started to pose next to it because they're like, they just know there's a backdrop. That's where they go for a picture. Smile boy. You're so cute. No, I'm not. Tell your friends. Tell your friends. That's awesome. Now, whenever anyone says I'm always here, I'm like, me too. Are you saying that? Oh no. Okay, they're just saying that. I don't know it. Can I just say something that's been on my heart? Yeah. I feel a little weird about always homies. You don't like it because I just feel like it feels no masculine. I never say it because I'm like, what's up? Homie feels so just, you know, it's like funny. But I feel like you got that off your chest. You're the one who came up with it. No Caleb like, listen, I can't take credit. I just brought it to the table. And everyone loved it. But then I'm like, it's always honey. Like, always honeys feels a little bit like, I would call people honeys. If we're the always honeys, there's a conflict of interest there. My mom's honey and there's no other honeys. Shoot. So keep it homies? Even when I call my kids honey, they're like, I'm not honey. I was like, oh, Lori's going to take too much credit if we do it the always honeys. Okay, we can keep it homies. But I need to start saying it. Does anyone have another H name? We can try. We can go back to the workshop with this. There's not like there's only two. We can workshop it. Workshop it. Leave it in the comments. Okay. I really feel like you just unburdened yourself. I did. Honestly, it's making me. You saw it on Instagram and you were like, no. I lay my head on the pillow and I'm like, I want to change. Always homies so bad, but people love it. Yeah. I was like, I never say it because it just feels unnatural. Oh my God. These are the things that haunt me. These are the things. Man, life is hard. Life is just so hard. Wait, did you have a hard this week? I did have a hard. Well, I should. I'll do my heart and my hope. My heart is that I had. Okay. I had a different hope. Sorry. I guess I can make my hope and my heart the same thing. No, don't do that. Well, my heart was that I had some momgill yesterday. I kind of talked to you about this. I had some momgill last night, which is so funny that we just talked all about momgill and then I went and experienced like felt it. And it was all the things that we talked about like, oh, these lies in my head. I don't hold my baby enough. Oh gosh, I've just been feeling a lot of distraction during the day, specifically yesterday. I just felt really distracted during the day. And then at night, I just felt so guilty about it. Like I was constantly like, you know, CJ wanted to play and my answer was always, sorry, but I got to finish this before I do that. And it's not just a worker. It was just all things, you know, house, work, getting out the door, schedule, cooking. Like it was just everything. And I just felt like very distracted. I felt a lot of guilt last night. So that was kind of hard. But my hope, and this is kind of it. Or did you want to share your heart? That was okay. Go ahead. My hope is that last week I kind of shared that my heart was, I was had some health things going on behind the scenes. And I had found a lump in my breast. I think it was like two Sundays ago. And I waited kind of a week and a half. You gave me some sunflower less than we just kind of assumed it was a clogged duct, but it wasn't going away when I was pumping and doing all those things. So I booked an appointment with my OB because I probably just need to go get this checked out. It's not going away. It's not changing. And she was like, I want you to go get some imaging done. And I didn't really feel that nervous about it until I went in for the appointment. And then, you know, you get there and you're kind of like, oh, this could be an appointment that kind of changes your life. You know, you start having those thoughts. And I'm really, really like fortunate and super blessed and grateful to say that it's nothing serious. The lump is still there, but did you know they don't really do mammograms anymore? They do like ultrasound imaging. Yeah. They still have mammograms, but I did ultrasound imaging. It was really easy, painless. But they didn't see it on the ultrasound, which I was confused about because you can feel it. And two of different people went and scanned it and they're like, we just just see breast tissue. So I don't know what it is. Maybe it is just like a hormonal cyst or something. But they said, I don't have to worry about it and just to keep an eye on it. If they did a mammogram too, they probably wouldn't see it either then. Yeah, I don't think so because I don't think the mammograms, I could be wrong about this. But the ultrasound imaging is like better apparently. And I showed them exactly where it was and they put the thing right on it. I can feel the lump on the top, like it's close to the skin. So it's not like they would have to go far to find it. And yeah, so I don't know. That was like good news. I felt very relieved after that appointment. Is this an inappropriate time to tell the story about my armpit? No, you should tell it. Okay. Because this was the first time I had experienced anything like that. But I know that you had gone through something similar. Yes. When I was pregnant with my first, I had specifically in my left armpit, like, oh, this is funny to talk about. It's not funny. I know why it's funny. It's just so humbling. So anyway, so this is, let's just first start with the moral of the story. Right. If you are concerned about something, You need to go get it checked. Go get it checked. Yeah. Obviously this was easy for me because I was already having routine OB appointments. And I was like, Hey, they're like, you have any other concerns? I was like, well, my left armpit is kind of. Feeling like there's like a lump. Kind of big. Like they were like, Oh, let me just let me see. It's probably nothing. She feels it. And she's like, Oh, like she will not the tone change. She wasn't like, you know, she was like, oh, I'm sorry. Like, like she will not the tone change. She wasn't like, this is serious. But she was like, I do want to refer you to somebody. Like this feels more than just like, you know, you're pregnant. The armpits get puffy, like everything. She's like, this feels more and especially cause it's uneven. And so I go and it was actually like a, I had to go really far. Like too, it was actually specifically like a cancer area of a hospital. And they put me in this whole robe and I'm with other patients. And I was by myself and then that was the kind of the moment too. I was like, Oh, wow. Like I hadn't, I had just gone through the motions and it wasn't like I was going to worst case scenario or anything, but I was like, okay, this is, I'm glad we're doing this. Go in and this guy, I'm not even kidding. He was like the same age as me and he was a guy. He's like, okay. He has ultrasound machine, you know, probably like which one I'm like, it's moving. This third one over here. And I, the problem is those gowns, you gotta tie it open the whole thing. So it's just my left boob is out. And my left armpit boob is out. I was at a guy. We called it the pity. So inappropriate. Anyway, so then I like, I'm gonna put out and he's like doing the ultrasound and then they're like, uh, he like leaves no word from him. And I didn't really want to talk to him. I was like, kind of like, okay, I'm going to just let him leave. So then I'm waiting a long time. The doctor comes in and she's like, okay, she said, there's no need to be concerned. Um, do you know like cats, like cats, how they have nipples all up and down their body. And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. And she's like, okay, so humans are just like that. We have a mammary glands all up our body, but only two are exposed. Our nipples. Whoa. Um, so milk, I had so much milk. This was when you were pregnant. This is when no baby had been born. Yeah. There's no need for this much milk. Even when the baby is born had traveled up to my top mammary gland, which is in your armpit. Wow. It's a little science lesson. I don't have an exposed nipple there, but some people do. I know that has happened. Some people have sent me videos of this when they hear my story. I'm like, that sounds even worse in a way. There's just an armpit. There's nothing there. No way for it to come out, which is actually downside. She's like, so what seems to have happened is that that mammary gland got filled with milk as well. Wow. Um, and nothing to be alarmed about. Well, great news, but also weird news. So did you end up pumping or what? How far along were you at this point? Oh heck no. I was terrified of that. Oh yeah. And so I just, I was with Griffin. You just sweat it out? What do you do? I just let, I just dealt with it. Just lived with it and it kind of was uncomfortable. And I got it with my second pregnancy and it just, I didn't even bring it up to the doctor. I was like, I know what this is. It's my mammary gland. It's my pity. No, but it's fine. My left side is way over producers. So that's the side that started leaking already. But of course to say, you know, we can't be embarrassed about these things. It's our bodies. It's, it's being a woman. I think the more we share about these things, I want to talk about the man, maybe less concerned. Yeah. So yeah, I have also had an ultrasound adiabrist area. Yeah. Just a little north of it. Totally. It's crazy. It is crazy. My heart is that, I just feel like because we keep randomly getting like some, I think I have a sinus infection again or something. And I think that this is kind of putting my capacity at like just so diminished that it's also then now affecting my marriage to the sensor. I'm just like, I'm sorry. I have no compartment for you right now. Like, so then we're kind of just getting into roommate mode. It's not like we're like at each other's throats or anything. I'm just like, oh, you're here. Yeah. What do you need from me? I got nothing right now. And so like by the night time, he's like, do you want to like do something? Like watch a show? Like, I don't know. I kind of just feel like we haven't connected in a while. I'm like, I just really want to go to bed. I just keep going to bed and I feel so lame. I'm just so tired. It's fine, which is so ironic because I'm feeling my hope just like literally last week because I had so much energy, but leave it to frigging sinus infection. You know what? That illness will bring you down. And I can't sleep. That's another thing too. Right. Anyway, that's why you're doing rehab. Just your body is just no big deal. Trying to heal. Like that's how that shows that marriage has to be so active too because it's like we hang out a lot, but then it's like, okay, if you don't do the like the marriage element, like, you know, caring about like connection and like any type of intimacy that you're just kind of like, oh, hi. I know. We share this house. Totally. That's so fun. I know. So it's like it's quickly, quickly just derailed a little bit, but for sure we're going to make that our priority for next week. Thank you to Seek Geek for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Don't you guys love a good date night? Just kidding out of the house, especially as a mom, you feel house trapped a lot of days. For sure. Like, how are we going to get out of here? They will never make it alive. They will never make it alive. But that's why I'm a huge proponent of having fun plans on the calendar and we often use Seek Geek for those super fun plans. We just used Seek Geek recently to go to Paw Patrol Live with the kiddos. Oh, I bet they love that. Got amazing seats. It was a blast. Second year in a row, baby. It's a tradition now. If you don't know what Seek Geek is, they have over 35 million downloads. It's a number one rated ticketing app. There are so many artists going on tour right now. Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, Alex Warren, and Noah Cajun. Many more. Plus the U.S. is hosting the World Cup this year. So whether it's for a concert, upcoming comedy event, they even have musical theater tickets on there, kids shows, sporting events, or more Seek Geek's got everything. Definitely check them out. My favorite thing about Seek Geek, by the way, is that they make it really easy for users. They either have a red light, a yellow light, or a green light based on that seat on that specific evening at that specific event if it's a good deal or not. Oh, yeah. I love that. I like green light. Good. I like it. Red bad. It just makes it so easy. We love the visual components. So user friendly. Concert season is about to kick off, you guys. And to make it even better, you can use code ALWAYS here for 10% off your Seek Geek tickets. That's 10% off tickets with promo code ALWAYS here. I feel like when you're sick and you're pregnant, it's just like an extra. Oh, I've also been peeing my pants. That could also be my heart. Okay, well, just be ready for the pelvic floor therapy comedy. Yeah, no. Save your pelvic floor therapy comedy. We believe in it. We believe in it. And I got violated. No, I told people this story. Wait, can I actually talk about this? Please, yeah. I think you should bring awareness to this. Last story. I believe in pelvic floor therapy. Just not for myself. My symptoms have to be much worse than peeing myself for me to go back because I did go because I was referred by a friend that I really trust and love and she had a great experience. So I was like, what better referral can you get? I sat at this person's house. I didn't know that till I'm driving. Right. Once again, who's going to tell me these things? I'm driving. I'm like, oh, this is a residential area. I get on this bed. Once again, pelvic floor therapy. What are you thinking? I'm thinking physical therapy. Right. We're going to do exercises. I get on this bed. Is it the bed in the house? It's like a massage bed in this other room of their house. Oh, okay. Door shut. Her kids are home. Oh, okay. There was a woman. The lights are dimmed. She's undressed from the waist down. I was like, wait a minute. I thought you just said she was undressed from the windscreen. No, she was clothed. She was clothed. She's undressed from the waist down. I'm just laying there. I'm like, okay, wait a minute. What are we doing here? Recalculating. What is pelvic floor therapy? Yeah, I think it's good. I signed up for this. We should just know what it is. And I already had booked multiple sessions, really getting ahead of myself. And she put her hands on me. And there was no exercises we had. At the end, she was like, you can do this stretch, this thing. Yeah. And I was like, I could Google that. And then I just was like, she was just like touching in there and like telling me things. And I was like, I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for this. This wasn't what I wanted today. And so then I canceled the rest of my sessions, which is really hard for me to do because I just feel so bad. And I literally was like, I don't care. This is so bad. I was like, I don't care if you can't refund this. I just won't be coming back. And she's like, are you like, she wanted feedback. And then I was just kind of like, I think it's just not for me. Yeah. Ever since you told me that story, because I think you just hear all the time like pelvic floor therapy, pelvic floor therapy, and it is a really good thing to go do. And I know a lot of friends that have need to do it and have an amazing like, amazing I have so many friends that love it. from it. But I think I always warn them now. I'm like, Hey, you know what it is, right? They put your finger, their fingers in there because no one tells you that. And then you go and you're like, wait, I didn't realize this was like a whole full exam down there. And I just don't think that's clear. You think I thought physical therapy too. I thought like, yeah, I just, she was like one side is tighter than the other. Yeah. I have to get in there and examine to see if you're too tired to lose like what your problem is. I need pelvic floor therapy. And it would probably be really better just knowing that they will. I also got a recommendation and she did warn me. She's like, just so you know, she does it, but she's like, honestly, it's great. Yeah. That's my friends that have done it that I go and mentally prepared or like, perfect. That's a little prep. A prep would be very mentally prepared. And it's like, wait a minute. Is it normally at someone's house too? I think it depends. They're probably like individually. I feel like it's more practice. Yeah. Like I know people that have a practice within a gym. Like it's like a separate room in a gym. So I feel like it can kind of be wherever. I think I'm just going to let that, that happen after I'm done having kids. Yeah. Maybe I'll just pee my pants forever. Who knows? It's going to happen anyway. At some point. Really? To pee your pants? Old ladies, right? They're like, either starts now or 40 years. Just kidding. I'll take care of it. Just not out. Okay. I love that. Anyway, what's crazy happening? Wow. That's crazy. Wow. That's crazy. That's crazy. Okay. I watched documentary that I got really fired up about and I'm hearing that maybe I was a little overzealous on. It's called the plastic detox on Netflix. And let me give you a crazy stat to tie this into. Wow. That's crazy. This is from tragedy. Bt not from the documentary adults may ingest up to 121,000 micro plastic particles per year through food, air and water. They've been found in everything from seafood to table salt and even in human tissues like the colon and placenta. So my dad, like my dad is super cool. See that stat again real quick. The amount, how much? 121,000 micro plastic particles per year. Okay. Which what is that? I don't know. I have no idea what that means. It could be just a big scary number and it means like the size of your pinkie. Keep talking. He knows. Okay. So everything when I, when I watch a documentary, I always take things with a grain of salt. I personally felt like this was a, was a very interesting documentary because I feel like you hear the term micro plastics a lot. It's like kind of a hot buzzword, but I never really knew what it was. I'm just like, okay, yeah, I use a cutting board and the shavings get in my food and that's bad for me. Makes sense. But I think, um, I personally know 10 women under the age of 30 that I've been diagnosed with cancer in the last three years. And I know a lot of women that I've been diagnosed with different like autoimmune diseases and all this different stuff. I'm like, wow, this is really crazy. And in my head, I think it's probably hundreds of different things in our environment. Um, but I'm like, okay, what are, what are just different things that I can learn about that could potentially be, maybe be a factor, some of these issues. So this came up on Netflix and I thought it was a very interesting documentary. Don't mean to talk about a little bit. Yeah. Okay. I didn't know if I was talking too much. I found the answer for you. It's about five to seven grams. Okay. That's a really good comparison because who knows what. How does seven grams of plastic like a credit card? Okay. It is five grams. Okay. That's not as much as I thought it would be, honestly. I mean, it's still a lot of plastic to consume, but, um, okay. So the documentary itself is an experiment. So half of the documentary is the scientist. What's her name? Susan. Sharon. It begins in S. What's the documentary? Shawna. Shawna. Good memory. Okay. So she's a scientist and she has this question. She says, for people that have unexplained fertility, could a factor of this, oh, I'm sorry, unexplained infertility could a factor that lead to this maybe in their environment. And so she thought we know that microplastics are a thing. If we do an experiment where couples together clean out their environment, get rid of harsh chemicals and microplastics in their environment, could it potentially benefit their fertility? And which I think in itself is just like a good scientific question. Um, the whole documentary was not about that. The other half of the documentary was just talking about microplastics and different ways that it has affected many women throughout history, recent history. Yeah. So I felt like the documentary was hopeful. I didn't think I said the terms. It wasn't fear mongering. And then that was, we could talk about it. Um, apparently it was, there were some things, but I feel like I always take things with a grain of salt. And I didn't feel like they were super blamey and I didn't feel like it was hopeless. Totally. I would get that. Okay. And I thought that was cool. Should I keep going? I'll talk a little bit more about the results or you guys want to have any thoughts on that? I don't have anything. Okay. The conclusion of the result was that 50%. So three of the six couples they followed did end up getting pregnant during this and they tracked the men's sperm count during this, which I actually thought it was interesting. It was male fertility and not women fertility. The men's sperm count and yeah, they saw significant increases in male sperm count in the 90 days that they did this, which I thought was super hopeful. I'm like, okay, if we change small amounts of things in our home, we can have big improvements on our health. That's what I thought. It doesn't have to be perfect. Totally. She even said it's, you're not going to be perfect and eliminating all microplastics, but even just an improvement, they saw an improvement. Right. So like that's kind of cool. I feel like it was, it's a very overwhelming thing and they did address it. The fact of like avoiding plastic now is like, you literally how it's impossible. But like talking about changes you can make to that made a profound, it seemed to, I think the thing that really convinced me too is that the women and the men in the study, they're like markers. Now I'm, I think they were checking mostly for phthalates. Yeah. And BPAs. They went down in, in parallel, like together. It wasn't like, it's, it's a strong correlation, right? Like they're doing this, they're living the same house. They're changing the same things. And so I feel like the only way to approach something like this for me, I was like, okay, like, and they did say this, like implement one thing and then once Abby comes to habit, implement one other thing and like slowly doing that. I'm like, okay, that feels doable. It feels doable. Right. Yeah. Who are your thoughts? I remember some of my thoughts. Okay, tell me. I think one of the other factors that affected it is they were doing these changes to eliminate the amount of microplastics, right? That they were consuming, which meant they weren't going out to eat. They were eating more whole foods, things that weren't stored in those containers. Yeah, that's kind of, that is a big change in their physical health that they're, what they're consuming as in like food. Totally. Like you can't control just plastic. You can't control just the plastics. And so that's where we were a little more hesitant of the like, I'm, you are eating plastic. Yeah. It is. That's what's happening. Yeah. I'm not saying it's not happening, but I think there were, it's really hard to control that type of an experiment. I think it was also really short. They did say the men's sperm count, or they renew their 70 days and the study was only 90 days. So who knows if you did it for a full year, maybe every year they just, every month they jump a little bit or, you know, it goes back down. It goes back down. Because it did go down. If they would have ended the study at like that 30 day mark or the midpoint. Yeah. It went down. So I feel like there were a lot of things that I would love to see a longer study about it, but it didn't. I also land the fact that if you're struggling with infertility, do whatever you want to try and get pregnant. Absolutely. Yeah. It is a joy to have kids and to be pregnant. And I have no problem with them doing that. I would say try and carefully if you are struggling with infertility, like watching it. Because I think it is easy to kind of like. Place it personal blame. Personal blame. Yeah. Which is, yeah, it's not really like the goal. There's not like any one factor usually that's causing these like bigger things. And I do think that they like, obviously any documentary, like that's their focus is focusing on one thing. Right. You're like, you said, like you're putting a lot of things on one, but it was really interesting. The part that I was mostly interested in was the environmental impact, which they didn't talk about it a ton. Yeah. But like, it was shocking for me to be like, I think they said that 5% of the plastics that we recycle actually get recycled. And then they also made the point of like, recycled plastic is still plastic. So we're like, okay, great. That's still also something that we're like now, like more weary about reusing anyway as a material. Yeah. And then you're like, oh my gosh, this is such a big change because they made the point to have like, unless like companies, they have to care about their bottom line. And unless it's meant, it's made mandatory like by our FDA, then they're not going to be held to that responsibility. They're not going to change just because of the human health, which is kind of sad, the reality. Yeah. I actually appreciate it. I feel like it didn't blame like, I think it's, obviously there are a lot of issues with like big corporations, some of the things that they make choices on, like, you know, something's wrong and they still do it because of a bottom line, which I, I understand sometimes like the business side of things and then the human ethical side of things too. I feel like it's hard to always toe those lines perfectly. I appreciate that. I didn't feel like it was super blame you where it's like, I thought this was very interesting and that the chemists that are making these products, they said, they're like, hey, we're just doing our job as a chemist. We're creating things in the lab, but we're not taught how to look at the long-term effects of what we're creating. So sometimes they're creating something. They're like, this is amazing, but they don't know the long-term effects of it before it gets put into use. And so there's like this ethical question of that when it comes like chemists, but I just thought that was really like interesting, you know, I don't know. I just haven't never thought of that before. Yeah. And I was like, oh, it's something that maybe they could change in the future. Yeah. I feel like we have slowly done this as a household like slowly made like changes as far as like my makeup and skincare, our kitchen, like food storage and utensils. Like I'm like, okay, and I'm now more inclined to like look at my cutting boards, look at my like utensils and like think about heating things and any kind of plastic container. I think about Matt's frozen peas, man. I know I started doing them in glass bowls after a girl messaged me and was like, girl, don't microwave your veggies in the bag. About that a lot. Yeah. I'm inclined to make these small choices, but yeah, it is, it is a big thing to think about. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like when they eliminated straws, like plastic straws, when you think about it, like there was that one thing that like we all latched on to to get rid of plastic straws and it has helped with marine litter. But like in the global plastic community, it's, it's really small. It's a small thing. It's the impact of its head, you know, but we did the same. We have glass Tupperware now and think about the cutting boards a lot. The bigger things that you think. Anything you're going to get hot, especially I'm like, that's what I'll focus on. I get, this is where I get sometimes stressed out as a consumer, not stressed out, but I think there's like this little, little white flag that I wear. So I'm just like, hey, anything that I do, like every switch I make or change I make, I feel like 10 years. So now we're going to find out, oh, that's not actually good. You know, like they were even saying there's plastic lining and aluminum cans. So you're like, oh, I'm not going to get the plastic bottle. I'll get the aluminum can. So I don't know, don't drink out of plastic. But then it's like your cans are lined with plastic. Anything that could just move the needle a little bit. I know. And so I just, sometimes I'm like, okay, we can try to make, I think it's just like having the open hand, like I'm willing to make changes, but then also not putting so much stress or pressure on ourselves to be like, we have to be perfect or make these things because honestly, we do just live in like a broken world and every supply chain. Like you can, I got a share. I'm going to go down to different points that lost me. Don't touch your seats. I was like, oh, right. I know that one. I'm like, that's, I'm going to touch them. I feel like please throw it away. I know. But I'm like, fair, they're, they have a high motivator if they think that this is going to bring them a child when they're part of an experiment. Like they're trying to be as diligent as possible. The other thing too, I'm like, I feel like it'd be very, very, very difficult and overwhelming to not have, I mean, more attainable, but still very difficult to not have plastics in your clothing, but also to have them not delivered in any plastic. Right. That's what I was going to talk about. I was like, this is like, this is feeling crazy to me. When I worked in fashion, the supply chains are insane. And I remember, you know, it's probably plastic a million different times. A million different times. And even if you as a brand is like, Hey, we're going to be really ethical sourcing of our fabrics and of our, you know, we're only going to work at factories that are really good to their employees. Well, that one factory that your garments are so then might be doing those things. But then you have the factory that your zippers and your buttons and your fastenings are made in. You have where the fabrics are created, how the fibers are created, everything that's shipping in between. Like all these supply chains of every single product created are so crazy. And I think it's good that companies are trying to control what they can, but I think it's like, that's a rabbit hole. I can't even, I know. I'm like, that's where I'm almost just like, we just got to do what we personally can do and not try to like, you know what I mean? You'll drive yourself mad. There's going to be brokenness in every area. You're going to drive yourself crazy. Yes. Yes. So I thought it was interesting to learn about. Yes. I thought it was interesting to watch. I think it's something I'm like, okay, I'll pay attention a little bit to this. My hope is not in it, but I think it's like, good to know. If you're going to watch it, watch past the first 20 minutes. The first 20 minutes are so bad. I said, what is this? I don't know how I got past it. I know. I agree. I didn't think the first 20 minutes were any specifically about that. I was like, this is a Po-Dunkey, like not a good documentary, but then you get through it. All the Joe Rogan. I was just like, this is not going to be, this is not going to be an unbiased or like good documentary. Oh yeah. Well, I was trying to listen to it in the car when I was driving the kids. He was like, this generation has smaller balls and penises. And then I was like, I know that that's what you did it. Wait, you listened to it. You didn't watch it. I couldn't. There's she has this baby. That was hilarious. It's a doll. She's in a coffee shop with this baby. I thought that was hilarious. I was crazy. Blake got kept getting caught on some of the like thing videos they're using are clearly AI like just like people working in a factory or different things. And Blake was just like, go back. That's AI. It's a documentary at this point. Everything has to be taken with a grain of salt. Like even some of the studies they talk about in that documentary, I'm like, where are these peer reviewed? How are these studies? What was the sample size? What was the size of the study that's mentioned in anything ever? You have to be like, they could have stand. Okay. Is that a real thing? In my opinion to narrow their focus a bit more. Yeah. I can see that. My biggest thing was contribute versus cause like correlation versus causation. And so it's like that same thing. It's like, I don't know. Like could it contribute? Maybe. But did it cause this? Maybe we don't know. I know the Griffin Noggy tuned in. The penis. The penis involves. Well, cut this out cause I just want to say this, but Blake was like that one guy came on screen that was like talking in the, in Congress or whatever. And Blake's like, he's a fraud. And like show me all these clips about like this guy. Not a reputable guy. Oh, I didn't know what you guys are. And so then they had him in there and Blake's like, I just do the whole thing out. I always worry about that when I talk about stuff like this. I'm like, I'm sure there was a character in there that is so controversial. Anyway, I'm a little crunched. But that's it. It's okay. You're not crunchy. I feel like you're a little crunchy. I'm a little like it for my dad. Like my dad doesn't take any medication. He's like, it's good. You should take medication, but I won't. And that's how I am too. Okay. I'm like, you should take ibuprofen, but I'm not going to. Not because I think anything of it. I'm just like, Oh, I just don't need it. Like I don't think it's going to cause any harm. But at the same time, I just don't want to take it. Isn't that goofy? Well, that's not exactly what I was referring to either. I know. I know. I can't even spell stuff. I do. I get that from my dad. He's a big hypercontract. But hey, it's good. I mean, it makes me take my health a little more seriously. Come on, ladies. Get it together. What did you want to talk about? Beaverchell. Cause now we're really done. No. Can I just say that my heart was broken into a million pieces that I wasn't there. And I've never wanted to go to Coachella ever once in my life until this weekend. Quick question. Do they actually call it Beaverchell? They were called Beaverchell. I work on it because Haley and Justin are a little power couple at this Bevertella. Oh yeah, she's a bold roadside. She had a whole like installation and then he was there and gosh, what a dream. Did you see her post afterwards of all the like she was she went to all the not dress rehearsal? Oh, like his, yeah, his like Mike checks. Mike checks, yeah. And he's scrolling on YouTube in his set. It's all pretty planned. Yes. So you can see he's practicing it. Yeah. So I thought that was kind of cool. Yeah, I did too. Like it was really his vision. Yeah, he planned it all out. Yeah. Like he was being lazy. No, totally. He had it all planned, which is cool. I thought it was really cool because he was discovered on YouTube and so did you know what his Coachella set was? I Matt told me he did something about YouTube. Yeah, he literally sat on stage behind a laptop and had it casted on the screen behind him and was like pulling up his old videos and would just pull some of his clips from his past songs and sing to him. And he was telling me it was because or not someone was telling me probably TikTok. He was telling me, yeah, he doesn't have his catalog anymore. No, he doesn't. So it's so not to have to pay those people. He was streaming it on YouTube. So that's really interesting. He was doing karaoke to it. Smar honestly. I don't know. That might not be real, but yeah. There's a whole conspiracy theory behind that, which I don't know if it's true, but there is one. But he did sell it a couple of years ago. It feels so out of it. I know. I really keep up my Beaver news. Sorry, ladies. No, I loved it. I was watching all the clips afterwards. I thought it was so cool. Hint singing all the old times. Yeah, I know. It was amazing. I wish I'd stayed up and watched it live on YouTube. I didn't know that was a thing. So yeah, I was a little sad about that. I tried finding it for a good long while, copywritten, and no one had a copy written, which seems like incredible feat that happened. I know. I was really trying to pirate it. Is he only doing one weekend? No, two. So he's doing this week in two? I think so. OK, cool. Didn't say it. I'm not gonna be honest. Nothing sounds worse than me. They're going to coach. I know, but I wanted to go to this one. It's not something you could just stop it. Like camping and concerts. No, no. You don't have to. Abby, the influencers aren't camping. Please, Abby, you would have to camp. Have you been in a house? You'd be staying in a rented house. Coachella has never called. It's the brands that have to call you. First of all, what the heck would I wear? Hopefully they get the Abby Howard's mixed up and they invite me instead. They don't wake up. Just in my always here, we'll come. We'll do a live podcast. What do you wear? That's a good question. Not much, I think. It's the finest swimsuit or a brawl. It's like fairy goddesses. What I have to wear. Thank you to Cozy Earth for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Did you know Mother's Day is coming up? Oh yeah. Can I tell you something that you need to put on your list? The Cozy Earth robe, the Luxe robe, and their slippers. I have been living in my robe and slippers. It's soft. It's luxurious. The quality is unbelievable. It is beautiful. Their robes are designed for quiet downtime and everyday comfort at home. They are available in plush, quilted, waffle, and stretch knit styles. I have the plush too. It's so dreamy. This robe is heavy, you guys, in the best way. 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And if you see a post purchase survey, please be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here from Always Here. That's code ABBY for an exclusive 20% off because home starts with mom. Speaking of Coachella, I bet there were a lot of red flags at Coachella. That was so smooth, Abby. Yeah, thank you so much. Today we were talking about red flags. If you didn't catch that drift. So we're talking about dating red flags mostly. We'll also be a little, what's the word? We'll be self aware. Self aware, our own personal red flags. That our husband's just had to get over. And also some about friendships too because we know we have people in all stages of life and also they're always, you always wanna have friends. Yeah, we do. We want friends that aren't big question marks. Big question marks. Big red flags on your heads. Also we polled you guys on our Instagram. If you don't follow us there, it's always here, podcast, Instagram. We were just curious about your personal red flags because I feel like whenever I hear, like sometimes I just need somebody to spark me and then other people are like, oh, that's so true. And so you guys came up with some really good ones. Yeah. Have you guys seen that game where it's like, he's a 10, but that's what we're doing. Yeah. Okay. I mean, he's a 10, but he has more than one ex-wife. That's a red flag. That's a red flag. Are you guys gonna rate him? He's a five. I think that's a big yellow flag. That's, yeah, that's actually a red flag probably. Okay, so four. More than one. Yeah, you're right. Like you could have one crazy thing happen. That's true. Two is a pattern. Okay, you're right. There's a common thread there. He's immediately a three. There's a common thread there. Okay, I will just preface this by everything. I am an optimist and I give people the benefit of the doubt. Okay? He's a 10. Abigail, you would never date someone that had two ex-wives. You would want me. You're right. I wouldn't. Okay. He's a one, five. Five. He's a guy. You're right. He sounds like a keeper. Okay, he's a 10, but he speaks disrespectfully to his family. That's a two. No, no, no. He's a 10, but it's unclear what he wants. Yes. That's a six. Clear, clear, it's kindness. Clarity is kindness. Clarity is kindness. There you go. We don't like mean guys. We don't like that. No, I always say that that was like one of my favorite things about Matt, even in high school, he was like, I want to take you on a date. I was like, thanks for calling us a date because I feel like I was spiraling sometimes. Like I remember, obviously I can't speak for like a long dating experience, but like if guys were like, let's hang or like would text me, hey, all the time. I'm like, oh, I'm just so curious, like what this means. Like, and so I feel like that's very kind. I was really impressed. My little sister went on a date recently and he said, hey, I'm going to pay for this date. So, you know, don't worry about that at the end. Beforehand, I was like, oh, I immediately like him. That's so clear. He didn't leave any room for confusion or awkwardness at the end. Like he was like, I'm going to pay for the date. Okay, he's a 10, but he has no work ethic. Mm, that's a bad one. That was one of mine too. That's, yeah, that's a red flag. He's a 10, but has dirty nails. You know what? I think he could still be a 10 because my husband has very dirty nails from work. He could still be a 10. He is a 10, but he cries more than I do. I think that's, I think that's, I think that's fine. That's sweet. Just depending on what type of person you are. You know, he's a 10. My dad cries more than my mom. Same with her in-laws. Yeah, sensitive sweet, sweet soul. If I were to date someone that cried more than I did, maybe we were going on a lesser number. I guess that's true. We don't cry. My mom doesn't cry ever. You just gotta be somewhere. I love somewhere. Can't have two of them at least. That's right, that's right. He's a 10, but he won't let you meet his family. I would just have questions. I mean, it's not always, but if you're a family, it's like, you can't always base them based on their family. Well, I was thinking more so like he doesn't like you. Oh, I'm gonna kick it at. So I think you have a lot of questions there. Got a lot of questions. He's a 10, but he's scared of his mom. Oh, relatable, but yeah, maybe he needs to man up a little bit. I feel ya. Huh. He's a 10, but talks trash about his exes. Bad run. I think talking about your exes at all, it's just kind of like, yeah, I think it's okay to ask questions like, why didn't it work? But then if they're like, because she was crazy. If a man says your ex is crazy, immediately he's crazy. You're the problem, I'm sorry. He's the problem, I'm the whole way crazy. He's a 10, but doesn't wash his hands before cooking a meal at someone else's house. Piper, I feel like this is personal. Very specific Piper. He's a 10, but he only has friends that are girls. Yeah, I don't know if I'd love that. Sorry, I got lost. Okay, what were you reading? I mean, Matt had a lot of friends that were girls, so I don't really know if that's a red flag for me. Maybe yellow. Yellow, let's, yeah. He's a 10, but plays video games. I don't know, I think there's a lot of degrees of variety there. Yeah, video games all day? I don't know about that one. Ooh, that's tough. Like the dabble in the video game. If he chooses to play video games when he's around you. Out. No, no, no. You can play with your guy friends. Yeah. Or when I'm not there. Or if you need downtime, alone time, but if it's like all day and he's being lazy, we don't like laziness. He's a 10, but he's emotionally immature. And I don't think he's a 10. Yeah. No. He's a 10, but none of your friends or family like him. Run. Yeah, let's be, let's consider that. He's a 10, but he is mean to his mom. I mean, just get out. Get out while you can. As a mom of three boys soon to be, by the way, I'm having a boy. If you happen, this will be outright. Another anecdote. Oh my God. I was like, yes. All right. Hey. I feel bad. I feel like I unintentionally misled our audience. Why? Because you get the gender reveals video. No, the old wives thing. Yeah, it's a girl. It's the same thing about girls, but also I had the same pregnancy symptoms for all four of my pregnancies, one of which was a girl, same symptoms. So I don't believe in old wives tales. Listen, I believe them. You do. I'm just kidding. Congratulations. Thank you. Yes. I'm really defensive of the boys or the boys that are mean to their moms. Yeah, we're gonna cut that out. Do you think the thing of being like, how your, is there any correlation to how your husband treats their mom or how your boyfriend treats your mom is how they treat you? I think that's true. You think? I'm like, Blake messes with his mom, but he also messes with me. So there you go. What do you think about how Matt, he's way different with you. Yeah. Matt treats his mom well. Yeah, but he doesn't treat me the same as his mom. I mean, not in a romantic way. Like in a respectful manner. No, no, no, even just the way that he is. Interactions completely different. You think? I think Matt's really respectful to his mom. I'm not talking about respect. I'm not. I think he's very respectful. I think this has to do with that. What are we talking about? I think Matt's really respectful. I think she's, oh, I thought you were talking about like, I'm like, that's how he respects his mom. Well, no, they don't get like, they're like, Caleb and Matt aren't mean to their parents or like impatient or snippy or like short with them. I think those are the things that you'd be looking for. How do they treat their mom? Like, are they annoyed by their mom? Does their mom, is it? Yeah, are they just impatient with her? Yeah. Because it's the person that they've lived with the longest and has like, I think not to make a parallel to your mother in marriage, but it's the same thing. Like you're gonna be taking care of each other in marriage and their mom took care of you. And so if they're mean to your mom, their mom. Totally. You know what I mean? That's why I think it. I didn't take it the same way. Got it. Got confused. You want to treat you exactly the same. Yeah, that would be a little weird. That'd be a little weird. So many questions. Sorry. He's a 10, but it says if we ever break up, it's going to be you breaking up with me because I'll never break up with you. I actually, I think that's really comforting. Why is that a run-fly? Maybe like a love bombing, like a obsessive. I don't think. That doesn't feel like too much. No, I would say he's committed. He's a 10, but he told me he was soul tied to four women when we first started dating. That's a zero. You got to run. I'm sorry, but anyone who uses the term soul tied can't run. What does that mean? I don't know how I've reacted person. And then you go, huh? That's beautiful. Bye. I love that for you out. He's a 10, but it's always on his phone. Yeah, it's hard one. He's a 10, but was still in high school at 21. Oh, you know what? That's sad. I don't think we should laugh at that one. I think maybe he needed help. That's three extra years of high school. I've never known that. You need more information. I need to have more information on that one. He's afraid to react. That could be like, I don't know. Um. He's a 10, but has felony charges. Hey, there's plenty of fish in the sea. Oh. You're picking someone to spend the rest of your life. Only a true, honest life change. But you can get a felony from like speeding, right? That's one of my red flags. Speeding? Speeding or a felony? Reckless driving. Reckless driving. She's holding on to the car. Reckless driving. She's holding on to the car. Oh, there's forgiveness. Oh, there's plenty of fish in the sea. I think, can I say something truly honest though? Yeah. I do feel like. Is he a correct feeling? You guys, this is actually, I'm taking it. I know I just wheezed for about five minutes. Make it serious. I'm taking it serious for a lot. I do think, I think a lot of what you're willing to put up with in a romantic relationship reveals how you view yourself. It's true. So that's where I'm coming from kind of in this. Abby has winged eyeliner now. So that's why I take it kind of seriously though, because I'm like. Yeah. You just do better. Okay, look, here I am. Like I feel like I view myself highly. And I think people should view themselves highly and also be someone worthy of being viewed. I'm not just saying have your ego through the roof. No. But I mean. Yeah, you can have high standards. Yeah, and I'm not saying you can't be friends with these people or think they're great, but you're deciding to commit your life with these people. Like this is not, this is not light. Right. So sorry if I seem judgmental. No. But I do think girls are just also naturally more inclined to just lower their standards. Lower their standards. And it's like, let's keep them high. I've, Pastor Wood said, and I love this. It was don't shorten your standards, but lengthen your patience. Yeah. And I like that's really good. Don't lower your standards, but lengthen your patience. Don't like compromise your standards just because you want to feel loved or like desire really different marriage. Yes, yes, yes. Lengthen your patience. Yeah. Take a little bit of loading. Exactly. Sometimes it's just so profound. Okay. There's a lot of women. We disagree on that one. No, you're right. I guess on my head, I'm like felony charges in the past. You know, people change maybe. Current felony charges too soon. Do they go away? Listen, I think I'm just in the church. So like, you know, they could have some really good life change, but maybe heavily consider not. Let's just look at, let's just say no. Okay. Okay. He's a 10, but you never know what he's thinking. No, clarity is kindness. He's a 10, but he's a picky eater. Honestly, that one does kind of get me. Sure. It's one of those ones that's like, it's not actually, there's not, this isn't tied anything deeper, but I don't like it. He's a 10, but he has a foot fetish. I'm sorry. Can't get on, can't get on with that one. Hopefully you don't live in a warm climate. There's feet everywhere out here. Or follow our podcast. Oh, he's a 10, but doesn't have any social media. That's a plus. That's great. That's great. He's a 10, but he calls my dog ugly. I mean, maybe your dog is ugly. Yeah, that's, that could be just totally true. Could just be honest. Doesn't mean he doesn't love your dog, but could just be ugly. Could just be ugly. He's a 10, but wears women's sandals. I would question that one. Why? He's a 10, but chuts down when upset. I mean, same. Same, it's okay. That's not true for me. He's a 10, but uses chat GPT. You know how we feel about that. He's a 10, but he wears jeans to bed. Ah! I don't even know what to think about that. I think he's a psychopath. That's wild. That's just lately wrong. Like to bed or for a nap. A nap is different than bed. No. I wear jeans. I wouldn't even nap in jeans. You fall asleep in your jeans? Yeah, like if I wear like something to church on Sunday, like wore jeans and then come home and take a nap. Why don't you take your pants off? I just don't. I just, Blake gets mad at me. He's like, take them off. I'm like, no, cause I don't want to put them back on. Would you just put on more comfortable pants? I didn't even have comfortable jeans. I've never heard of something. Matt, would you like to get in bed with any clothes that have been outside? Well, he's OCD. There are those people outside clothes, inside clothes. When I'm pregnant, I was eating in the first time. So I was eating crackers in bed and he was like, really put off by it. I was like, I will throw up if I don't. He's like, there's just gonna get crumbs in here. I get that. The crumbs are comfy. Last one, he's a 10, but he has a Velcro wallet. I mean, it's practical. It's just practical. What about has a duct tape wallet? Remember that one? Ha ha ha ha. People saw that's full. He's totally sold. I purchased one at Nisa. I thought they were the closest ever. You prefer duct tape, baby? No, that is niche. That's niche. Ha ha ha. I think that's a green flag. Thank you to Flamingo for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. You know what I hear all the time? It's concept of an everything shower. And I'm here to promote an everything bath. Oh, one of it. It's so much better. I only shower for utility, but I bathe for just a whole self-care ritual. It's an experience. And I personally enjoy having really freshly soft shave legs, but shaving, that's always felt more like a chore than self-care. But why? Because women's razors are cheap and flimsy. You take your skin, they can leave redness or burns from shaving. It can be a whole nightmare. That doesn't feel like self-care. The women who helped build Harry's found themselves rolling their eyes when other companies were just shrinking men's razors and making them pink. You don't need them shrunk. We don't need them shrunk. So they decided to shake things up. Flamingo has no pink tax pricing, no flimsy design, and no irritation. Flamingo was born to give women shaving solutions made with their bodies in mind. Their star set is great. It has everything you could need, whether it's time for an everything shower, an everything bath, or even if you just need to shape up your brow line, they've got a razor for you. For a limited time, our listeners can get the Flamingo Starter set for only $7 at shopflamingo.com slash abbey. This set includes the Flamingo Original Razor, one five-blade cartridge, a one-ounce foaming shave gel, and a shower holder. Just head to shopflamingo.com slash abbey to claim this offer and after your purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please, please, please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Okay, let's just be honest with you. These are our red flags that our husbands just put up with on the daily. Yeah. I asked Matt and he thought he was being trapped. What, he's like, I'm not gonna answer this. Like, sorry, can't think of that. I'm like, no, Matt, it's just for fun. Like, just tell me. And he's like, no. He like, wasn't even giving me any feedback. Really? And I finally squeezed two out of him. I was like, these were good. What were they? And they're true. Hanger. She's a 10, but she's Hanger. If I get- Oh, you get Hengry. Hengry, Hengry. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I'm like- She's a 10. I was, I always tell him, I'm like my blood sugar. Okay, I'm gonna be so, I'm gonna tell you something funny. When we visited you guys in Hawaii and we stayed with you, you would be like, Matt, I'm hungry. And he would pull over so fast at such inconvenient times to get you food. And I'm like, what is going on? That's scary that that stood out to you. That makes sense. Cause I was like, we're like going some, you know, like, it was a little inconvenient. But if you said you were hungry, he would do anything to the ends or to get you food. And maybe that's why. He's like, I'm afraid of her when she's hungry. Like Matt, I need to eat right now. Okay, you know what? I think I've learned because now I'd pack snacks. So maybe now Matt doesn't have to detour. Yeah, yeah. That was like a phase. I feel like, whoo, whoo, so funny. That's scary that that stood out to you. I just remember, I was like, wow, it's just like such a weird time to go get. Okay, we're gonna pause. We're gonna pull over. Everybody change your plans. Abby's hungry. Yeah, I was kind of like that. Everybody pause, diva. I mean, it was funny. I mean, we all got food so it worked out, but just goofy. Okay, I mean, I want three meals a day. This one, Caleb always brings up. And I'm like, this is so dumb because this is not a big deal at all, but he thinks it's very odd. When I brush my teeth, I take my toothbrush and I wipe it dry on a handheld. And it really freaks him out. You think that's weird? You put that thing in your mouth. Yeah. Do you dry the bristles? Who all uses this hand towel? Actually, I use my body towel, my shower towel. Abigail, I take it and I go, I just kind of get the wetness off and then I pull apart my electric toothbrush and I set it on the thing and it's dry. Caleb says that's my serial killer trait. That's not good. That is a serial killer trait. I just like it to be dry. Are you gonna search toothbrushes now that you've listened to the plastic detox? Oh, no. What's the other option? Horse mane. Right. I will be scrubbing my teeth with plastic bristles. Anyway, and I will be drying it off on my towel. That was so neat. Breathe. I hate that so much. That would be sad when it's gone. Oh, breathe. Breathe. I think you're gonna pass out. No. This is so bad. Okay, this is another one that Matt gave me related to getting moody. Moody when tired or don't get to go to the gym. That's just real life. I'm sorry, gosh. I get moody too. I was like, Matt, you're giving me such a general one. So he's like, I am not giving you anymore. He thought I was like trying to start a fight. So I mean, gosh, apparently I'm combative. This is another one. Well, Caleb did give me this one, but I know he would say, I fold my laundry inside out. I don't care. That's crazy. I'm putting my teacher, if you want your laundry folded the right way out, make it the right way out when you put in the basket. You're telling me I have to wash. You put them on hangers inside out? I do everything. Yeah, if it's inside out, it's staying inside out. And you can change it when you put it on. See, maybe the reason is- Selfish, I think that's what it is. You're more tight-beat than your husband. Yes. But Matt is more tight-beat than me. So that's the scary thing. Oh, scary stuff. He was just drawing these terrified. He's like, what shirt is that? No, here's my advice for someone that's living with someone that's more tight-beat than them. Section off the area is that you're just not gonna- They're gonna bother you. No, that you're just like, that's not my territory. And so that's our couch in our office. Not my territory. And look what happened to it. That's Matt's half of the closet, not my territory. Matt's half of the bathroom, not my territory. And so, but the lower level is my territory. And that's where I'm like- The couch, how did that happen? I don't- I haven't seen it. Can I make a field trip after this? Please, please. Can I make a field trip? Did he clear off the counter? Yep. Okay. He moved it. Listen, as a tight-beat person- He moved the whole mess. As a tight-beat person that keeps a very tidy house, I need a couple of spaces that are just chaos. Like, I need a couple of spaces where I can just be free to be me. I think it wasn't that bad. And then it just, somehow he moved everything else that was in his space. It just keeps growing. It's all fungus. Don't open my drawers and don't look at my nightstand. Oh, my nightstand is bad. We just need a space. Blake also won't tell me what my red flags are. And he also just said, are you recording? Ha ha ha ha ha. My mom said I commit to too much. I was like, well, I don't ever like, I feel like I fall through to the detriment of my health. Next time I'm curious what she's gonna say. My red flag, okay, I was a picky eater. Oh, yeah. You're not that picky anymore. I make noise with my mouth. Or is that it? Here's the thing. These are the red flag that Blake and Abby or and Lori are all very sensitive to noises. So is Abigail. So am I. Oh, you. Yeah, I am as well. I think that's a red flag on you guys. No, it's called misophonia and everyone should be. I literally tell Matt, I'm like, you're made of ADHD, I have misophonia. Blake looks at me, Blake just goes. And I'm like, what did I do? It gets me going with just the eyes, you know? I look at killer, I'm like, yep. Sh, you're doing it. What am I doing? One time for a New Year's resolution, I gave up telling Matt about his chewing and it didn't last a night, but I did get a couple months in. Oh, that's actually really impressive. So much self-control. That is. But then it just came flooding back. Yeah, it happens so fast and with a boiling rage. Okay, actually right now I'm marking it. I'm not gonna comment on Matt's eating and see how long I can go. Check with me next week. You want me to comment on it when he's doing it? Yeah. Okay. Oh, my last one. Run a tight ship. That's the bad one, Abigail. Run a tight ship. That would get to a point where I just give him a look, Matt. You do. You told our mother-in-law one time and I was like, that's good. Well, sorry, I just like, I can't do nothing. I remember both times I was like, I'm so surprised. It's like I was gonna combust. Like, we'll do it to other people, but he'll tell me. He's like, one time I almost, I failed the test in college one time because the person behind me was chewing gum. And I couldn't like read my questions on my test. You couldn't read. And my girl, my roommate was like, maybe you should get extra time because you have a problem. You're getting IEP for me so phony, let's do it. Oh my gosh, yeah. Come on, ride it up. Yeah, my last ride of life is that I do the silent treatment. Oh. But I had a really good self-awareness and why? So. Well, okay. This is my toxic trait. I think it would be an improvement if I did the silent treatment. We need to meet in the middle. I'm more like, let me tell you something. I'm like, I'm not talking a word until you're ready to talk about what I'm mad about. You all get a happy, go lucky term out of me until we resolve this. I'm gonna work on that. I'm gonna try to instate some silent treatment. Yes. Okay. Okay, well, let's talk about the friendship red flags. Yes, we're gonna be a little more serious now because I think it's funny that we're talking about a little bit about dating red flags and stuff, but we feel like we see a lot that you feel like we're your big sisters. And I think we had experience under our belts of ways that we can, maybe some wisdom that we can apart on people when, you know, they just have questions about friendship and marriage and dating. Sometimes I feel like I've had such good friends like throughout my whole life that I have not a good basis on like how that happened. Like I just feel like I just got so blessed. But one thing that I have noticed, like I'm like, if I have like, I've never, I don't think I've ever had like a friend breakup, which I'm very grateful for. But if I have like distance myself from people or if things have just kind of like, you know, you know, this fizzled out, a common one is how they talk about other people. Yeah. So like if you're especially, yeah, this can mean a lot of different things, but it's more so in the area of like, I don't know, if you're willing to talk about other people behind your back, then it's pretty clear that they're willing to talk about you behind your back. And so that just automatically opened so many questions in my mind about trust, how you're viewing. It also automatically makes me self-conscious because I'm like, oh, if you're having these judgmental thoughts about somebody else, like how are you perceiving me? And I don't like to, if any friendship makes you feel insecure, that's a red flag as well. Yeah, I also have that on my list. To add onto that, someone who like constantly dogs on their husband or their kids. Cause I think just kind of going into that, it's like you just want to be around people that have respect for people in their life. Cause if they're talking about people that are closest to them about that, I'm sure, yeah, they're talking about you the same way. And they're also talking about their husband and kids potentially about you. Like it's just kind of like opening this whole. Yeah. And I don't want to be like, I also don't want to be tempted to speak poorly about my husband or my kids. And I think naturally when that's just part of the conversation, it can just naturally flow that way. And so I think it's more so sometimes it's a boundary to myself, like I just don't want to engage in that type of conversation for my own heart's sake. And so I'm not going to be around people that are super negative like that. Let's take a one. We were actually just talking to someone this morning who said that she was told, I was told this too. Like it's not gossiping if it's true. What? Where'd you hear that one? If someone's ever told you that and you believe that. Is gossip only a lie? Let's just flag that one. That's not. Yeah, you only think gossip is lies. Right. That's not actually how it works. But right. That's good. What's another one you have? I think it's a red flag if your friend is really competitive with you. I was going to say that one. Yeah, I just think your friendships, at least in this phase of my life. And I even think back into high school and college, I'm like, you want to be around people that are building you up and you are able to build them up too. It's not just the one way street. And if it's actually competitive within each other and it's rivalry and jealousy and bitterness and kind of catty, I just don't understand that's just not a good, you don't have the right personality types to be together. And that's okay that your personality's don't mesh. And maybe you just, I make a lead go separate ways as friends. That has always been something that I've always kind of attributed to me not being a competitive person. Like I don't define myself as competitive. Maybe other people think differently. I don't think I'm competitive really. I'm competitive about certain things, but not. When people were competitive with me about, even things that were like harmless though, I was like, I just didn't like it that much. And so it's just a personal preference thing. But also I think that it also makes sense in the sense of like I want someone that I can like walk hand in hand in life with not someone that's like, you know, we're going, I want to walk in the same direction. Like I don't want to go against each other. That's not fun. And that's not, I don't know. Totally. That's not the picture of friendship that I have. Yep. Another, okay. So when I look at my friendships, there's a very common theme among all the women that I'm like the closest with. And I just think that they just embody contentment in their life. And I just think that that is such a good, like no matter if they, there's things in their life that they want to change or things that they're working on, they're honest about things that they struggle with, but there's just a, there's just a peace about them, like a contentment about them. They're not like, I don't know, constantly striving for, they're hardworking, but it's just hard. You can, you can just tell when someone's heart is at peace. And I feel like that I'm hesitant to say that that's a red flag if someone's not. It's just a yellow flag. Yeah. It's just, it's such a good, I feel like it, it. That's a green flag. It's not a yellow flag or red flag. It's a green flag if you find that in friends. Yeah, that's my green flag. It's just like someone that is just deeply content, like and not constantly, you know, picking on like things that they want to change, like their body or like things that they want to change or like, and there's a healthy level of that where it's like, oh yeah, we can talk about, I'm struggling with this with my body, but there's just, there's just something about their identity that just feels so secure and content. And that is something that I benefit so much from the women in my life. So that is like my friend, Green Flag, to share. Like look for that in your friendships. I think contentment is contagious. Yes. If you're your friends and you're not complaining about every aspect of your life, you're gonna feel content about the things that you have to. So I guess I should just say the red flag is complaining. Complaining. Yeah. That's something I've like, I've like walked away from thinking like, I didn't really like have fun. What was it? And a lot of times it's that. And I don't want anyone to think that they can't talk about those things, but I do think there is just a difference between like someone talking honestly about something that's just like not ideal in their life, but has like a heart of contentment. And then someone that's just like, just such a Debbie Downer. You're like, oh man. Yeah. This is a drag today. Totally. My last one that I had is someone who's unforgiving. And I think that's way easier in friendships. It's easier for you to be unforgiving towards your friends than it is to be unforgiving in your relationships. Like I feel like you're always gonna forgive your boyfriend or your husband. It's much easier to forgive those types of people, but I feel like friendships necessarily, I think people hold to a harder standard sometimes and they're not as forgiving in friendships. And I think that there is a real beauty and a real art in like letting things roll off your back when appropriate. And I think there's a beauty in art and maybe giving people the benefit of the doubt. And I also think, yeah, looking for the best in others, not always looking for like the, I just always get confused when people are like, they just have, they actually, they were planning this. Like when people think people are like plotting, evil-ly behind the scenes, I'm like, I don't think that's it. I think maybe you just took it the wrong way. You know what I mean? So I think just having a forgiving heart and obviously there's boundaries within that. But yeah, you wanna be friends with people that are forgiving. Yeah. Cause we're not perfect. One more thing on friendships, so too, is that like I feel like there's been times in my life where I felt guilty about like friendships fizzling out and something like this is something that Matt feels a lot. And I think he would share about too. Like he's like, I just like hate that that is like, not a thing anymore. But I just have to, and like he'll continue to work for a friendship that is, okay, forgiveness is good and important. But then I'm like, the flips I have it too is like, continue to work for a friendship. I'm like, hey, when they've showed you who they are, believe them. Like if this is something that they've done, like it's like, it's okay. We don't have to hate them. No. We only wish the best for them. But also we're going to believe them that this is like who they are. Like this is like, or this is something that happened. We don't need to continue to subject ourselves to this type of thing. Oh, for sure. And I'm not referring to any thing in specific, but I feel like that's something I have to remind Matt. Well, I'm like, if they show you who they are, believe them. Totally. And we'll just move on. We don't have to, it's totally fine. Totally. No, I agree. For sure, I agree. There's an art too of knowing like when to like, just like. Yeah, when to just let it be. Let it be. Yeah. I think too, when it comes to friendships. That's life. We don't always have to make it like a big old thing. No, we don't need to break up. I don't have to like send them a long text being like, this is why I don't want to be your friend anymore. We can just kind of let it be. Just let it be. Let it be. You got to be. And then we can also just assume there's probably something about me that didn't click for you. Right. It's okay. It's okay. Okay. Now moving on to dating red slash green flags. Okay. I only do red. Did you agree? I only did red. Sorry. We did talk about green flags at our meeting, but I did not pull in any negatives. Everything the opposite of this. Green flags is the opposite. Okay. Let's just do that. Let's just do that. I always say kind. That's like always a green flag. Yeah. Kind guy. We only want nice guys. We want ambitious with a balanced head on their shoulders. Here you go. So weighted. Okay. My first dating red flag. When a guy tells you exactly what you want to hear. Oh. Like if a guy is just fluffing you up. That's a good one. And it's you're relatively new into dating and they're just telling you everything you want to hear. I just think that's a red flag. That's a good one. Because that's a temptation. And I think it's easier, but then you're getting your hopes up. Or if they agree with you on everything too. Everything. I'm like, I need you to be honest, have a little pushback. I want to know who you actually are. And also like we don't need to be, I think when they tell you everything you want to hear or a love bomb you or like super, I don't know. I just think it can, your heart can get carried away. And they're not actually showing you who they are. Yeah. You're just like, this isn't real. It's manipulative. It's manipulative. That's a really good one. I saw on age of attraction and I was like, this man is just telling this girl everything she wants to hear and he's not being honest. Oh. That is a good red flag. That's a big red flag. My first red flag was very not serious. It's my least serious one. I said bad hygiene. Oh, I think I had that. I said doesn't wash their hands. Parentheses a slob. Bad hygiene. It's so gross. Come on. It's an egg. Yeah. There was a tech talk of this girl who went on a date or was dating a guy for a little bit of period time and she went to his house and he didn't have any hand soap. And she was like, hey, you're out of hand soap. He's like, oh, I just ran out. And the next time she went back, he didn't have hand soap. And she was like, you lied about hand soap? And she ended it. I was like, that's crazy. It was like a long story, but. No, then it's like, yeah, another problem of lying. Right. Why are you lying about that? I just think about everything that women do for maintenance. Yeah. I'm like, give it a shower. Wash your hands. You some deodorant. Yeah. Put a little gel in their hair, maybe. Like, I just, I don't know. Wash your clothes. Right. Ha, ha. There's so many fish in the sea. On the flip side of that, I said a slob. Like, if you walk into a guy's apartment. Now, okay, I'm going to say there's a difference between college and like adult. Because I was a nasty dirty slob in college. But I'm a very clean adult. And so if you're now an adult, young adult, mid adult, older adult, and you walk into that man's house and that man's house is nasty food over everywhere, leftovers, unkept. I'm not just talking like clothes on the floor. I'm talking nasty run for the hills. That's horrifying. I think you could hold the same standard for college as well, by the way. I mean, you could, but let him mature a little bit. My wife's out here. Come on, give me the bed in the door, run. Don't ask her out, Blake's room. Caleb's room was so clean. And one time my mom came to visit, she was like, come on, Caleb, let's clean up Abby's room. And he was so annoyed. Let's clean up Abby's room. They cleaned my room. Matt would help me clean my room. Matt helped me with laundry in college. It was so sweet. That's really sweet. This one's really serious, honestly. I feel like judgmental saying this. We'll just say it. We can talk about it. But I, okay, any type of addiction, really. Yeah. Like I feel like you got to take that seriously. And like, obviously there's some, yeah, honestly, I got to say any type of addiction. Maybe there will be someone good to date in the future. But it's like right now, it's like, maybe we just pump the brakes. Yeah. If they're in the middle of an addiction, I would say, yeah, obviously that's just, you're going to not, I wouldn't engage in that. And also if they're freshly out of it, like you should give that person a couple of seasons past their addiction. Like that person's not always going to be a red flag, but just in that season, I think it's. Yeah. I agree. That was a serious one. That's a good one. I said, relaxed on commitment. This is so serious. Like this is probably one of my most serious ones. If you're dating someone and they just very relaxed, the days of cold, even in the small things, like they don't want to commit to making a decision about a restaurant. They don't want to commit to plans with friends. Like maybe they'll commit to plans with you, but with other people. Maybe they don't want to commit and actually just call you their girlfriend. Maybe they don't want jobs. They're just non-committal. They're bouncing around from thing to thing to thing. Like that is just such a red flag because the foundation of a marriage is commitment. And when things get hard and everyone goes through really hard things in their marriage and hard seasons, you don't want a person that's going to be wavering on commitment. And yeah, maybe that person just needs some time to exercise the strength of committing. That's the small things in life. Because that's just, oh, that's scary. If they can't commit to a person that they love, they love the most or even on small silly things, out. That's gotta be the golden rule of dating, honestly, from my opinion. You just said it. That was so good. Yeah, commit, commit, commit, commit. Yeah, what's an example Abby of someone that's going on a first date that you can tell early on? Because I feel like that's one of those things that you could date someone for a long time and be like, oh, is this a pattern? Because sometimes they're bigger things. Well, I think if they cancel the first date and they're like, hey, can we reschedule? Or they do that a couple of times, that's a yellow flag to me. If they're moving times, they're changing the plans a lot, that's a yellow flag to me where I'm like, oh, I'm not making a priority. This isn't a priority and you're not a man of your word. And I think that's a big, I mean, we talk about it a lot, but that's a really big, that's a huge thing. Yes needs to be a yes and you're no need to be a no. And if someone is dating you, you're gonna be united with this person in marriage in the long run, you have to trust what they're gonna say and what they're gonna do. And if you can't trust what they're gonna say, they're gonna flake, they're gonna back out, they're gonna do this or that, it's bad. That's so good. That's so good. In early dating, I would think changing the plans a lot. That's really, really good. For me, this is such a general one. I feel like all mine are very general, but I have specific examples, I swear. This is what I just said mean, if they're a mean person. Now, let me tell you this specifically, like there's going to be conflict and I think that if there isn't that in itself as a red flag in a way, now obviously, there shouldn't be explosive conflict, there shouldn't be like, I'm not saying that that's what needs to happen, but you need to resolve issues together in dating long before you get engaged. Like we need to see how you can come to a resolution like together and if that's possible, or if he's someone that's just like, not gonna resolve things. But I'm specifically thinking like for me, if a guy raises their voice, that is a really big red flag because for so many reasons, I just think being a female, like a guy yelling is so intimidating. Like that's an intimidation tactic. That's a power issue there of them like yelling at a late. Like I'm like, that is just so, like I can say with comments like, if that ever happened, like that would really, really, really scare me. And that's not okay in America. That's not safe. And then think about down the line, you're gonna have children. And I actually saw this video and it was about fatherhood and they surveyed a bunch of children. They said, what is one thing you want your dad to stop doing? It's gonna make me cry. And like almost all the kids said, I wish he didn't yell because there's just something about a man yelling that is just so scary. It is, yeah. And so it's like, you don't want that type of like bowl in your household, like as a leader in your household too. So yeah, I say mean, but I really am specifically, I slid on like, if they're gonna raise their voice at you, I feel like it's like, I don't think there's any point in moving forward. Like that's like a 180. That's a good first sign. Because I think a lot of people like, it's like, yeah, I had anger on my big list too. And I was thinking about it. I'm like, well, that's a good first sign because I think a lot of times it's like, oh, well then escalate later to them punching walls or like, running out the house angry or different, being really aggressive. And it's like, well, the first sign was that they didn't speak to you kindly in conflict and they were out of control of their emotions. And I think that's, yeah, that's a good first sign in dating if they yell at you. Super scary. Yeah. And just in general, like dating should be really fun. Dating should be a really fun and happy time. Yeah, it should be tumultuous. And you're gonna, I think we're both like proponents of date long and gauge short. Like I think we've talked about that before. Yeah, I mean, for me, I don't necessarily have the same conviction on it. Oh, okay. But just because we knew we were gonna get engaged the whole time you were dating. So I don't feel like there was this massive shift when we got engaged. Sure, sure, sure. Well, I guess, okay, Caleb and I talk a lot about like, date at least a year probably. Date at least a year. And then. If you start dating at high school, you need to date more than that. You do need to date more than that if you're in high school. You should probably wait a little bit. But if you're like in your 20s, Caleb, I think you should date at least a year because you need to see that person through all, a magnitude of seasons, whether that's job seasons, even weather seasons. And just the different things that come throughout a year because you really wanna see how that person handles adversity. And you don't wanna jump into something and you're like, I didn't even know they responded like this because I never dated them long enough to see that. Yeah, one thing I was gonna say about the yelling or the raising the voice or just even speaking to you unkindly in a tone that's a different way. I think your reaction after that, being able to address that and be like, that's not appropriate the way you just spoke to me or and seeing how they react with that and like, do they take that kindly? And they're like, you're right, you're right. I'm really upset but you're right that I did. I shouldn't have said that. And like that, how that conversation can go to. Because sometimes they come from a house that that's what they do. And they've never had an experience of someone being like, that's not right. And like giving that chance, if it's an appropriate situation, you're gonna know if it's not. That's really good, Addy. Because I think too, yeah, there are a lot of things that I came into marriage with and dating with that were just not healthy but killed point in the mat to me. And then I made changes accordingly. So it's like all of these things, if you see it, I feel like a lot of them weren't a conversation. And then if that's not responded too well, then. I also do think that I totally agree. And actually that's one of mine. I said not flexible and I'll kind of go into that a little bit because we're like, it's so important to be a man of integrity but also not flexible as red flags. So I think kind of like decipher what I mean by that. But also I will say like all of us are naturally just going to repeat a lot of what we learned. And it's not your job as the girlfriend to teach your boyfriend how to be. And in fact, that's never gonna be like a healthy relationship. I think there's a place for like, hey, that's not a big thing. But it's like that they kind of have to deal with that independently, I think. I think it's a little hard to sort through some of those things in a dating relationship. I don't know, I feel like I agree with what you're saying but also I do think the point of like dating and marriage is that we're making each other better. And so it's like, I don't want to have wanted Caleb to accept just all the things how I was and not have called me to be better in different areas. Right. But you're like in a relationship to be like, if I fix these things then they're gonna be a good partner. Like I, there was a boyfriend that I had then my mom was like, I'm so that you just tried to fix him. I just tried to be there to save you. Yes, I was in a relationship to try and fix him. Oh, I did that too. That's where I'm speaking from. Yeah, and so it's less of like, I'm trying to fix them cause they have issues rather than we're in a relationship together building each other up to be better. Like he had nothing to offer me. Like it was kind of like, I feel, and I feel like girls are more likely to fall into this trap as well. Yeah, you want to fix them. Dating a project and you're like, this is not my DIY. Who's got the time? Sure. And so it's like, yes, there's certain things. I think there's like, but then there's some certain way to your things where it's like, okay, like you got to get well independent of this is not, yeah. And that's also why I put not flexible. I was about to say like resistant to counseling, but I don't think it's this is isolated to counseling. I'm saying like resistant to any type of feedback and making changes. Teachable. Like teachable, like someone that is like, can honestly reflect on themself and be self aware and say like, oh, you know what? Like I'm not perfect. Like that, that's like a basic thing that they probably need to learn is that they have things to learn. And so on the flip side of that is like, I don't know. Someone that like, I think something that really encouraged me in dating with Matt was like, he was super open to like having mentors, like getting into counseling and like having, inviting others into things. Like, and rather than like, how dare you talk about that? Like with your friends, like this is like, that's like just a scary, like anyone that's willing to just like, I don't know. Someone that's not flexible and so rigid in like their view of themself and like how they operate. Like that is just, that is, yeah. I guess that is a deeper issue of pride. Yeah, totally. That's a good one Abby. I agree. Yeah, I think there's something really sexy about humility and teachability. It's like, wow, that's really, it just makes you feel respected too. It's like, oh, you actually care about what I have to say and you care about me. And so you're going to take into account the things that I have to offer or like the other people have to offer you as advice and advice. And I think that's a really great character. And then you feel safe to also have humility yourself. And like, it's just a much more healthy environment overall. For sure. For sure. My last one, this is kind of like a, I mean, it's a serious one, but it's also not so serious. No, it's serious. But someone who does unsafe driving to show off. Oh wow. Okay. This is like a red flag. If you're driving with someone and they're driving recklessly with you in the car, they don't respect you. They don't care about your life. They have a pride issue or like, I don't know. I was driving behind this motorcycle. This was a couple of weeks ago. This really bugged me. And it was a guy in a motorcycle and a girl in the back and she had a helmet on and he didn't know, neither of them had helmets on. So, okay. He didn't supply a headwear. Headwear? Okay. Rude. We're at a red light. He runs the red light with her on the back and zips off like maybe going a hundred miles an hour. And all I could think about to that girl, I just started praying for her. I was like, that girl, He's not keeping you safe. He is not keeping you safe. He does not care about your life. He does not respect you. Yeah. And that's like a small thing. And I, yeah, that just really bugged me. I was like, that is a red flag. You hate those all those little motorcycles in this area? No, it's not motorcycle people in general. It's just these people that are really reckless. No, no, no, no. Like those little teenager boys in this area. The E-Bikes? Oh, teacher little, teacher young sons with them E-Bikes. Give them girl a helmet. I do see all of them wearing a helmet. They do wear helmets, a lot of them. They're always doing little tricks and one wheeling. Yeah. See that doesn't bother me because I'm like, they're just having fun. But it's like when another person is involved, and I actually dated a guy that used to do this. I broke up with him because he drove recklessly with me in the car. It made me feel really unsafe and uncared for. It's like, why are we driving a hundred miles an hour on the highway when we're 16 years old? I always say love is consideration. It is. That's really good. My last one is laziness, but my specific angle on laziness is if they won't plan anything. And so I feel like this is something a lot of girls, I, okay, they put up with in dating, and then they get married and then they're frustrated that they're not, it's not happening. They're not pursued. It's like, whoa, you did this, is this a new thing? Or like that's the thing you kind of have to assume in dating, whatever is going to happen everything is going to be amplified. They're good, they're bad. Like all these things are going to be amplified. And so I don't know, I just feel like this is such a common thing I hear in marriage that I'm like, this could, this starts back somewhere else. But if you're always like, hey, like, what are you doing this time? Like we could go to this or let's, if you're always like the one kind of leading them along, I think especially for a girl, that's no fun. And that's not going to get better when you get married. I just got to tell you this first and foremost. And so I do think this is something that can change, but just early on, if they're like kind of just, you gotta give them expectation around and you're not going to want that down the line. If you, if you don't care, then you don't care. But this is something you're going to want down the line. Be honest with yourself about that right now. Because it's like, well, did they ever do this? Was there ever a point in time? It's like, oh, there was this one day, one Valentine's Day at one point and it's like, well. Yeah. Women want to feel pursued. They do. Yeah. And so that starts the beginning. So yeah, that was mine. Also, I just want to touch on this because I do, I want to expand on what you said earlier. I do believe that like dating and marriage art, you're supposed to build each other up. And I want to distinguish that from what I was like talking about earlier because I was like that, I wasn't a relationship with a guy at some point, very not serious relationship. But I feel like my mom had to give me the hard advice of like, Abby, you can't date a project. And I feel like that is something that I was like, that taught me a lot about that thing because I, that it is different to date someone that also is building you up in ways and changing you and bettering you. And then someone that you're just like constantly giving to. And you're like trying to be like, this is, let's do this differently. And like, let's try this. And that's just a drain. That's actually not what's happening there. You know, that's you both have to keep rising together and not just trying to bring this guy up to where you are. Yeah, it's a good distinction. Yeah, really good distinction. Ask, ask, ask Abby. Hey, babies, my name is Kaya. I was wondering what your version of the Roman Empire is. For example, mine would be the Lacey Peterson case. I do not think her husband did it, but I would be her your dad's of the podcast. Bye. I'm not familiar with that case either. I'm surprised you guys aren't. I also never remember the names. The names. If someone were to give me the details of it, I'd be like, oh yes, this happened. It was at a Christmas party. Like I like remember. Was that the one who was a cop or something? No, no, that one is. We saw her in real life. Who? What's her name? Rebecca? No. I will never remember her name. I don't know either. They thought that she ran over her. Yeah. And the driveway. I knew her name when I saw her. At a party at night or whatever. We saw her in person. I saw her in Boston. What? When we went with Stevie. I said that's her and I don't, I cannot be her name right now. She was right. You guys know. That's crazy. I don't know how she, she's a genius. And then I looked it up and I was like, and it certainly was. It's certainly was. That's crazy. I'm like, is this how people feel when they see celebrities? I got my Roanoke. Do you got yours? What? That's my Roman Empire. Your Roanoke. What did you say? So lost colony of Roanoke. Who else is not thinking about that? I don't know anything about that. There's a lost colony. Tell me about it. Someone's pilgrims came. They had a colony called Roanoke. And it, no one knows what happened. What? There's a lot of theories. I learned about this in second grade. Wow. I read a book about the lost colony of Roanoke and it's just seriously opened a loop in my brain. I just never, I'm like, I can't rest until we know what happened to those people. Sure. My Roman Empire is also from the elementary school. Loop opened, never been shut. It's the Oregon Trail. What do you mean? What do you mean? These people got on wagons and went across rivers. What do you mean? That's how it all gets real. A few times in history. No, they did it. But what do you mean? These people just said bye to their families and to never see them again. Never to know if they died on this trail. What do you mean? They came up, they just, they just went. They had babies. They had babies in a wagon. They just buried people along the road. What do you mean? What do you mean? I don't get it. There's a reason we were born when we were born and not born back then. I read a book. Do you remember that series of books, like the diary series? And it's like Little Girls of History. Yeah, I bet they have one on Roanoke. Yeah, they have one on the Oregon Trail and it still haunts me to this day. I can picture the words in that book. I got another one too. Found it and I brought it home with me. I got another one too. The Ebola virus. Oh my gosh. What about it? Tickles you. It doesn't tickle me. It terrifies me. I was in fourth grade, extremely sheltered and they told us about the Ebola virus and I just couldn't stop thinking about the fact that it could get me. Of course. And I, I mean, I watched this documentary. I was in like a, like an accelerated learning thing. And so then they thought that they could just like show us older things. But I was like, wait a minute. I might have been academically advanced, but socially I had not seen anything but a Disney movie. Right. And they were showing, they thought it was the monkeys. So they shot monkeys in this documentary. And I literally was frozen in my seat. I thought I was going to throw up in class. And they're talking about this virus makes their organs disintegrate and come out of their eyes and nose and. Why were they teaching this to? I don't know. My mom, my mom wrote to the teacher. Yeah, I think that's a little inappropriate. That's a little inappropriate. She was a great teacher, but I think I was just like. Cross the line. I can't sleep because the Ebola virus. Why have one similar acid rain? That's spooky. Where is it? Is it real? I think about it often that in flash floods. They get me. Flash floods get you. Okay. I thought my mom. I don't think I have a single Roman empire. You guys are saying me. Okay. The flash floods will get you because my mom, my entire life was always like, they'll just come out of no wrong. Just come up and get you. And I'm like, what do you mean? That doesn't happen. And then I watched the videos of flash floods and it happens like that. She ain't kidding. And now I think about it all the time. Anytime around like dried rivers. But we got to stop. No, what is it? Now I'm like, I want to tell you the details of Lacey Peterson to see if you know it. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, what is it? Lacey Peterson was murdered in 2002 while eight months pregnant. Her disappearance on Christmas Eve in the subsequent murder trial of her husband, Scott Peterson, gained international attention. Prosecutors alleged that Scott strangled Lacey and weighed her body down in San Francisco Bay with semit anchors in 2003. Lacey's torso and remains of her unborn son washed ashore. Yeah, I did hear this. Of course you did. There's so many things about it. There's a Netflix documentary. There's obviously crime junkies. She doesn't think you did it? Or that's a different one. She does think you did it. No, the person I called in. No, I think she was saying she doesn't. Oh. Gotta be a lot of evidence against him. Because Abby's got all she needs to know. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hey girls, my name is Sarah. And I want to know what is the funniest thing that your kids have said to you this week? Oh, so many. Diary, Sam, the podcast. Griffin asking the employee of the choking hazard. I think so. What is another one? I mean, Augie keeps asking me what my breasts are. So you did actually, too, has taken interest in my boobs. And the other day he came up to me, he looked at me and he goes, what those are? Yeah. And I go, they're my boobs. And he goes, okay, you say boobs. Yeah. Okay. You say breasts. I did, cause I didn't know. I think I intermix it. It just felt like a more casual time. I just didn't know about what my kids used to say boobs. And he goes, you could pop them? I said no. Pop them? Yeah, he tried to pop them. I didn't try to. He said that you could pop them. I was like, you gotta be careful cause they hurt. Cause nursing and he's, they could pop. And I was like, no, they're not gonna pop. I don't know. They say funny things all the time. Well, actually, no, I got one. Griffin, I went to go get a protein shake. And I come back and he goes, where were you? And I was like, I told you, I was getting a shake and coming right. I was gone a total of three minutes. And he goes, I thought you went to jail. They're so obsessed with jail. It's because of like, I know. About Peter and John. Yeah. And so we've had a lot of conversations recently about jail and adults have consequences too. And then he like, I thought you went to jail. And I said, buddy, and he goes, or I thought you got dead. And I was like, I said, buddy, it feels like you went to the worst case scenario there. And he goes, no, I didn't. You could think of something worse. Oh. So I was like, buddy, I'm so sorry, I worried you. You don't have to worry about those things. Right. Those things we just really don't have to worry about. And then that was all he said about it. I was like, okay. Do you know that talking cactus thing? Yeah. CJ loves it. And I think it's an only child thing right now because sometimes I think he actually thinks it's his friend. Because it doesn't talk back. I know, but Vivian's not interacting with it. Yeah, yeah. And he'll put his cactus in timeout if it doesn't stop talking. And I feel like he'll go to timeout cactus. And then he goes, he's not listening. And I'm like, good, please put it away. Please put it away. The talking cactus. On Sunday when Matt came back while we were at dinner, I go, argue, he was next to me. I said, look who's here. He goes, daddy, Matt. Matt, Matt. Just so you know, it's not your daddy. Yeah, he's a funny cat. They think they're confused why other people don't call me mom. Yeah. And then we had the conversation. I'm like, you're the only two people that are ever gonna call me mom. I mean, for now. But then you're gonna see or gonna call me mom. And so, yeah, he's like, let me clarify, don't call him dad. I don't want to call you guys mom and dad. Just a good visa. Hi, Abby, Abby and Addy. My name is Des. And my question is, what tips do you have for raising confident kids? Either things that you do with your kids or things that your parents did with you. I've struggled with my confidence my entire life. And now that I have a daughter, I just really want to make sure I do all that I can. Make sure she doesn't feel that way about herself with Supergirl. Thank you for any advice you can share. Love the podcast. Bye. That's a really good question. I feel like there's a lot of misconceptions about confidence and the like thinking like, confidence comes when we're good at a lot of things. But I think confidence is built when we're not good at something. And then we keep strengthening that skill. And so like with our kids, like this hasn't been a prevailing thing that I hear a lot of other kids say it. I'm like, I can't do that. Or I just, I don't do it. And I feel like saying like, you can try. You can, we always say, you can do hard things. And I think that knowing that, like anticipating failure at times, and then knowing that that's not the end of the line is where, is like literally the root of confidence. And so with our kids, like with, like as they're, they're in a perfect stage right now where they're learning so many things for the very first time, they're in skateboarding lessons. And I'm like, I have no expectation other than that. You try again. You keep trying again. And they have become very resilient in that, like knowing that like, I don't think they expect to like excel immediately because of like how much we talk about, I think it's their natural inclination too. But then also just like naturally talking all the time of like, we're just gonna try again, keep trying. And I always always reward efforts, like try to always just be like, I can tell you worked so hard on that. Or like you really like, you gave that your all. That must have been really hard. You must have wanted to quit and you just kept going. And I think that that's, that's probably the thing that helped me growing up a lot too. Yep. That's really good. I would say this exact same thing. Practically, this happens a lot in the playground actually. I feel like this is a really easy place to like implement those things. CJ obviously will like try the bigger ladders. And if you get scared and wants to come down, I'm like, hey buddy, you can come down. If like, oh, I don't actually let him come down. But if he comes on his own, I'm like, hey, we're not leaving the park until you try again. And I'll help you. If you need help, I'll help you. And I'm here to catch you if you fall. I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you, but I know that you can do it. And we're not gonna leave until you go back and try it again. Because I think it's like letting the fear when at these young ages is important is like a big thing that helps build their confidence that they can overcome it. And there have been a couple of times where like he's overcome something. He's been really scared and he'll do it slowly. And the whole time I'm like, hey buddy, I'm right here. Like you've got it. I'm not gonna let you fall. And I'm not touching him. I'm like, I want him to do it on his own. And when he gets to the top, like you can see the pride on his face. Like he's so happy with himself. And it's so cool to see that. And now I feel like he's pretty fearless on the playgrounds and stuff, which is really fun. And then the other one is that, yeah, he started to say like, I can't do it. And I say, hey, you're not allowed to say it. I can't because you can. Maybe you can't do it on your own. You can say, I need help. Because it's good to ask for help if we need help. But there's, you can do anything. How are we to do hard things? But maybe you just need help. And so yeah, I'm like, we don't say can't. I think a couple of things that you said there too that were also really good is like you expressing that you, like you as a parent expressing to your child that you have full confidence in them is huge too. And not like always coming in to just like solve their problems for them to like make the situation like easier for them. Just like on like having just full confidence in them is contagious for them as well, I believe. Yeah, I'm below that ladder shakin', shakin'. Terrified he's gonna fall and get hurt. But I know that if he gets the top, he can do it. And like, even if it's a little risky, I'm not gonna tell him that I'm scared. Yeah. I'm gonna be there to catch him if he falls. Yeah, that's so good. I honestly just thought about something because I am like, maybe I am a hypocrite because I just remembered there's a really iconic memory I have with my dad in Disney World when I was like, okay, so I've always been short. It's never been a thing where I was ever tall. So I hit the point where I could go on these roller coasters at an older age than everybody else, but I was still scared. And so I remember when I could go on rock and roller coaster at Disney World. Oh, that's a good one. My dad was like, okay, like let's go together. He waited so long, we waited in the longest line ever. Get to the very front, I see it take off. It's so fast, that take off. And I'm like, no. And there is just such a memory of my dad's, like he encouraged me, he's like, I know you can do it. Like, I know you can do it, I'm like, nope. And then he was like, I was just not gonna force you to do it. We got out of line, we left. That whole night, I was just sick to my stomach. I was like, I didn't do it. I didn't do it. The next day, I don't think we even had passes for that day, but he added an extra day. We went at the park opening, I told my dad, I was like, I just wish I had another chance. And he took me and we went on it like four times in a row. And so, I think there's a couple of things in there too, but that was like a, that was a very confidence-building experience for me, but my dad also wasn't like, forcing it. Forcing it. So I think, but he had, I knew we had full belief in me. And I knew that I was safe to like make my own, I think there's also an age thing there too. It's quite a bit older than my kids are now, but that was a good memory. I think that's important too, to be able to like walk away and not like make you feel bad for it. Yeah. Like that didn't break my confidence because he was like, so mad at me for not doing it. Yeah, it's cool. Cause he's like, I wasn't gonna make you do something. Like, you know, he's like, then it wasn't even you like, choosing to do something brave. It was literally being forced to do it. Right. So, yeah. Yeah, I think there's a difference. Like CJ is not having like a panic attack. You know what I mean? Or like freaking out. I was like, dad. Yeah. Yeah. If you're a kid's obviously panicking, you're not gonna make him do something. If you're confused about what just happened right there, we have a voicemail segment. If this is your first episode, and if you want to call in the number is 602-456-9690. And you can leave any message for us, preferably some type of question. It can be a curious, funny question about us. It can be something more serious. Anything and everything we love to hear from you guys. Yeah, let's do always hungry. What do you got? This is a very, sorry if you don't have a Trader Joe's, but this is specifically a Trader Joe's recipe. It's extremely simple. You're gonna cook up some rice. You're going to dice some chicken. You're gonna saute your chicken in the pan, season it with salt, pepper, garlic powder. And then you're gonna dump a jar of the Thai yellow curry sauce over it. And just let that simmer. You don't really need to season your chicken because that sauce is so flavorful. And you'll serve with some broccoli. And that's it. It's so easy. It's really delicious. You got your chicken, your protein, your carb, and your vegetable. And it's ready literally in like 30 minutes. Love that. I've never had their yellow curry sauce. It's really good. It's kind of spicy. It's a little warm, which I do not like spicy stuff. So if I can eat this, you guys will be fine. But it's just warming. It's really flavorful. It's a staple in our house. I have a really good protein shake recipe that I've been making a lot. It's like a dupe for, or I shouldn't say it's a dupe. It's actually just like a higher protein version of a shamrock shake. From... Dairy Queen? No, from McDonald's. Sorry. Isn't that where they have shamrock shakes? Yeah, here it is. Okay. It's like a mint cookies and cream, but I really think the key is the clean, simple eats, mint chocolate protein powder. It's actually so delicious. You open that bag and you just smell it. You're like, that's some good stuff. Yeah, I love that. And so I also use the Halo Top protein ice cream and almond milk ice and two Oreo thins. And it is so delicious. Yum. This is like your late night treat. Actually, just have it after a workout. Perfect. Perfect ice cream and cookies. Heck yeah. I'm not so great about it. I love it. You guys, thank you so much for listening. If you guys could leave a comment, share the episode, subscribe, follow, download all the things. We really appreciate it, but truly reviews just make such a difference. Boy mom, Rach said, mom a comfort podcast, five stars. Thank you for always sharing the hope and the hard. I listened to this in the hospital when I was getting a deuce last week and welcomed a healthy baby boy. Y'all were along for the ride. Oh my gosh. That's so sweet. Thank you for having us be a part of your like incredibly special moment. We are so thankful for you guys and we appreciate you. And remember, we're always here.