#750 - LANCE ARMSTRONG + TIM BUTTERLY + MATT MCCUSKER

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Get mulling on the electric, playing a signature guitar, JohnPageGuitarz.com, the great John Dees on the keys, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new drop on Spotify called Oxygen. And this is indeed the one and only de-madness live in the flesh. We are here with an absolute hoot and nanny of a show for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Project Hail Mary is an extraordinary cinematic experience. You're a great scientist, Dr. Grace. The world is calmed down on you. Starring Ryan Gosling. 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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Wow. You know, when I book these things, I'm trying to be strategic. You know, sometimes this, sometimes that, sometimes it's just the best comedians in the world, sometimes there's a rapper, sometimes there's just a that. Tonight we have two of the best comedians in the world and one of the greatest athletes of all time, ladies and gentlemen, three residents of Austin, Texas. I present to you Lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, and Tim Butterway. Holy shit. That's fucking my awesome show. Matt McCusker. And Tim Butterway. Holy shit. That's a fucking panel if I've ever seen one before. Matt McCusker here has a brand new special on Netflix humble offerings. Tim Butterway has a show with Matt McCusker called the Algonauts the fourth Tuesday of every month at the creek in the cave. And how about a hand for fucking Lance Armstrong joining the chaos tonight? An amazing human being. And I can say one of my golf buddies here in Austin. That's how crazy life is. Exactly. It's amazing. We're going to have a lot of fun. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be pulled out of this bucket and get a minute on stage. It could change their life. They could absolutely automatically go from living in their car or whatever is going on and having six roommates that fart a lot too. Being rich and wildly successful. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. And I mean, they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to pull a name out of this bucket. I'm not going to let this fucking pale meth head in the front row, Do it. I'm going to do it myself. Oh, you got braces, dude. Holy shit. How old are you? 37 finally getting it together. Look at you. Holy shit. You really are from Ohio. That's amazing. No better time than now, dude. Braces. They give you a discount when you get them when you're almost 40 since most of your life is over. Braces. The teeth. Finally, fix in the teeth. What are you going to do about the fact that your eyes are almost touching? They don't make braces for faces, do they? We're going to have fun. We're going to have fun. This episode brought you by Fred. Get her. Take that beat his ass, dude. I could give them two black eyes with one punch just right in the middle. His eyes are right next to each other. This episode is brought to you by prize picks and Shopify. While we go wrangle the first bucket pull of the night, we have an unbelievable golden ticket winner here for you. Your first performer doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds is one of the greatest members of our production team ever. We've absolutely watched her grow and thrive and get better and stronger at everything every single week. Ladies and gentlemen, going first tonight, make some fucking noise for I everybody. When I first graduated college, I was just doing random stuff to make money. I tried selling edibles. You ever get so high you forget you sell drugs and just end up running a non-profit? It's kind of what happened. I couldn't afford to go on vacation so I was just teaching myself how to lucid dream. See Hawaii at night, I guess. I feel like if I had more money, my standards for guys would be a little bit higher. Like a friend of mine, she had a one night stand with a guy and he bought her a plan B. I don't know what I do if that happened to me. If a guy bought me a plan B, I'd be like, damn, you would make an amazing provider. I wouldn't even take the plan B. I would just keep the box to show my kid. That's how I knew he was the one. Thank you guys. Exactly one minute from the great I everybody. Hi, I. Hey Tony. How's it going? Good, how's it going with you? Fantastic, that was a great set. Thanks for asking how I'm doing. Nobody ever does that. It's a thankless job over here. My first time probably asking you to. Yeah, absolutely. I tell these people about your life. My life recently cut my hair. I think I was thinking I was like, oh, I'm trying to be attractive to women. But then I really thought about being a lesbian. And I heard that like vaginas are a little bit acidic. And I have too many paper cuts to dig in there. But I do. I want to fall in love with someone like a preferably Indian. Because I don't know when you fall in love with someone, you really get to know how their mind works. And Indian people always seem to have a really, really good song stuck in their head. Just... And I want to know the lyrics, you know? I just sing along. I, uh, is so special. So when you say you cut your hair, did you cut your hair? No, okay, so when we were in New York, I was like, I was going out in the town. And there was this lonely Uzbekistanian barber. And I was like, oh, I'm going to give him some business. And so I did. And I got this cost me $60. Is that like, I don't know, guys, like, is this $60 worth $60? It kind of looks like he cut your hair to dance for like a chic warlord, I guess. It is, it might be the best haircut available in Uzbekistan. In the middle of his phone, like, in the middle of the haircut, you got a phone call from his girl. And, um, yeah, she was mad at him. But I was like, dang, women. And he was like, yeah, like men need to learn to control their urges, like their sexual urges. But women have this natural urge to be a bitch. And he was telling me about how women we need to learn to control that too. And I, I think it's the where he was coming from. Yeah. Because I get that urge to all start fights with the boys for no reason. Yeah. I love it. Now you have the haircut. They don't even know what you are. Yeah. Could get scared. When you say you wanted to be a lesbian for a second, was it, was it, I'm trying to figure out the chicken or the egg? Because it seems like you got your haircut. And then you decided, is that what happened? What happened first? Were you thinking about being with a woman? And then you got the haircut? Or did you get that haircut? And then that's what happens. Do you get a weird haircut and become a lesbian? Yeah, I think it's like, it's like that. It's like, I don't know how it works for gay men if you get the voice first and then the thought? You get the voice first. And then the thoughts happen. I can tell you from my own experience. It's true. I, you are an absolute fucking little angel. We love you. You're an amazing part of the team. Love you all too. It's so fun to watch you grow as a comedian. I love that. You're on the secret show. Thank you. Thank you. You just got both done a real show. And it has to go. Ladies and gentlemen, I have gotten the party started. And now we switch over to the bucket, everyone. This is where chaos happens. We meet people all together. Could be a completely crazy person. Could be an old person. Could be a young person. Could be white. Could be super black. Could be brown. Could be Asian. Anything can happen. The whole thing zimper buys. You guys ready? For your first bucket pool. Here we go. All together. Make some noise for Remy Swice, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. How's it going? My name is Remy Swice. I'm of Middle Eastern descent. Both my parents are from Jordan. And I'll talk about that. I'm from Oklahoma City. I was born and raised in Oklahoma. And that makes me a Southern Arab gentleman. That means I allow my women to work. It makes me, rather than 10 steps behind, everywhere we go. I might even hold her hand. My favorite sport is baseball. And I always wondered how come they don't have baseball in the Middle East? You know, here in America we got the sandlot. Middle East. Lots of sand. Love that. So I'm Arabic, right? And I'm Arabic. That means my pronouns are hijab. Major League Baseball is going to start having games in India. Do you all hear about this? Yeah, they got cricket. We got baseball to try to bridge the gap internationally. You know what makes me laugh when I think about baseball in India? Every night at the ballpark is bubblehead night. Doesn't bubblehead sound like what you get from a Hindu girl when she goes down on you? Hey, I'm Remy Swice. Thank you very much. Remy, Swice. If you had two Indian bubblehead jokes happening to start the show on your Bingo card, if you would have bet $1 on price picks, you would have won $3.5 billion for a son. It's never happened before. And there it is back to back. Price picks. Use the promo code Tony. Let him know we sent you. Hi, Remy. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Fantastic. How are you? A lot of it. They got a lot of sand. That was crazy. It's like, did you finish writing that joke? Yeah, thank you. That's a...no, no, no. No, no, no, no. You're misunderstanding me. I'm saying you didn't like finish it. You have a premise there. You didn't just end it with... You got lots of sand. Okay. Very good. Remy, how long you been doing stand up? Uh, about four or five years. About four or five years. Most of it here or in Oklahoma? About half of it here and half of it in Oklahoma. Okay. And where... Were you in like an actual city in Oklahoma or out in the middle of nowhere? No, Oklahoma city. Okay. What was that like being a brown guy in Oklahoma city? It was all right. You know, back in the turn of the century, I had to act Spanish after 9-11 for a little bit. But, uh, yeah, it's like, uh... What would you do to act Spanish? Give us an example. Uh, you know, like, where beanies load on my eye and like, the button up shirt with the two buttons at the top and everything open. What do you do for work, Remy? Uh, right now I Uber and Do Comedy, actually. I'm getting paid to Do Comedy now. Who's paying you to Do Comedy? Who is this person? Uh, it's good stuff. Where are you getting booked at? Uh, I'm getting booked at The Creek. I got booked in New York a couple times. I got booked in Orlando. It's booked at The Creek, but he looks like he lives in a cave, am I right? It's the Creek in The Cave. It's the full name of the Comedy Club. The guys that know are laughing really hard right now because he does look like he lives in a cave. Uh, okay. Have you ever thought about joining a terrorist organization? Uh, start my own. Okay. What would that look like to you? What would be the first thing that would be the first attack that you would do? Jesus. Uh, problem with my third grade teacher's house? Wow. All right. You had a real answer there. Check it with Matt McCusker. Yeah, I'd like to talk more about this Middle Eastern sandlot. I think you're on to some of the sandlot, the Middle East. They can like hit the ball over the wall, but instead it's just into Israel. They got to go over the wall to get it. And then a baseball hits the money and they drop a bomb on you and then... You're killing me small as a different meaning with a suicide bet. Man, I just realized this is Lance Armstrong. Wow. Yeah, I bet you never met an astronaut before. That's right. That's right. I watched Lance. What are they really? So they really don't know what's happening when they come out? Exactly. Now the whole thing's real. How many of these people are coming up here? Because we might have to be doing this a few times. Yeah. No, it's gonna happen. People are going to notice you and go, holy fuckin' shit, your Lance Armstrong. That's one of the fun things. It's with all the gray hair. Now you're fine. No one's even noticing. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, Samma been eating over here. My goodness gracious. You're eating all kind of foods out there, huh? My goodness gracious. But I like Oklahoma. Yeah. What have you done in Oklahoma? Yeah, I grew up in North Texas, so we would go up there and race. I mean, I did. I liked it. I liked Tulsa, Norman, Oklahoma City. He's the main right there. That was cool. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I love it. Anything else crazy about your life? Maybe the one who's nice up here tonight. Yeah, that's good. That's a plan. Fucking destroy these people. Somebody's gonna be... It's four people. It's gonna be great. Wait till you find one that you don't like. It's gonna... I can't wait. I've seen this happen before. People start off early. I'm gonna be nice. And now we're later. You're gonna be like, you fucking suck, dude. You need a quit. Never do this again. I run the biggest Millie Vanille fan club page on Facebook. Millie. Yeah. In 2014, I hashtag... Does everybody know who Millie Vanille is? See, there's enough young people. They're like, who? They were my favorite band growing up. I say band, but then they got... The shit that went down happened to them. But yeah, in 2014, I hashtag Millie Vanille and nothing came up. And I was like, I gotta do something about it. Wow. How's that going? Did you fill the... Over 7,000 people in the group. It's a 7,000 people. Wow. And it's the biggest one in the world. No big deal. Just out of curiosity. How many followers on the second biggest Millie Vanille fan club? I think like a thousand, maybe. Fucking losers. Yeah. Yeah. Like, all right. So the guy that killed himself, his sister joined the group. And yeah, yeah. And then she tried to run it. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. And then someone else, who was like, get the fuck out of here. And then someone else reached out on behalf. And I was like, if your friend wants... This is classic Facebook mod band. Beat it, put some... I built this from the ground up. I was like, you start your own. That's exactly what I said. I was like, they were my favorite band in the drag grade. Anyways. And so someone reached out for her on her behalf to me. And I was like, if she wants to page its 5 grand cash American. And yeah, I'll sign it over to you. You can do it every on with it. If you want your dead brother's band's Facebook page. If you want me to stop posting my stand-up clips on your dead brother's band's Facebook page. $5,000. No, I keep that separate. Which Vanilli died was a Vanilli or Vanilli? Yeah. This is our senior... No, Vanilli. My mom met Vanilli, or one of the guys, an elevator when Blamin' on the Rain was number one. Like, that was her big celebrity moment. So the guy that threw around his name is Fat Morvan, is the guy that still alive, and then Rob Pilatus was the guy that passed. Wow. Amazing your knowledge of literally a laughing stock of a musical group. Absolutely incredible. Any Murphy's my favorite comedian, what does that say? It says that your time here is done, my friend. Thanks, and there's a little jokebook. There he goes. Remi Swike, ladies and gentlemen. And people just start randomly naming their favorite comedians. You know the interview has ended. Uh-oh. The lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen. Check out her podcast, Love on the Line. At HeidiRachina.com. How about one more time for Heidi, everyone? Getting us all licked up up here. Alright, your next bucket full. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Lino Rodriguez. Everybody here comes Lino Rodriguez. I'm so stressed out guys. Uh, the other day I got flashed by the homeless guy with the biggest blackest cock I'd ever seen. In person. Shout out me a califa. He had a cock that was so big. How big was it? He had a cock that was so big I thought to myself, how is this guy homeless? I got what I got. I got a place. This guy should have a mansion. And before I knew it, he started a helicopter dick at me. And it was so big I could hear the sound. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The motherfucker was powering the Midwest by himself. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The motherfucker was powering the Midwest by himself. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And before I knew it, he took flight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. As if God was calling him to heaven. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He started a terrorized all the six street. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You got a dollar. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you going to finish that cigarette? Lino Rodriguez. Thank you. Going all the way to the bear there. Hi, Lino. How's it going? Good. That was OK. That was good. That's like the best you've ever done on the show, right? Yeah, thanks so much. I felt good. I think so too. You've been on many times. What have we learned about you? What are the big fun facts about Lino? Remind me. I'm a club foot Puerto Rican from Mississippi. OK. Yep. That makes sense. Puerto Rican from Mississippi. Jordanians from Oklahoma. It's a real melting pot we have here tonight. So how clubbed is that foot, exactly? What does that mean that your toes are like webbed? Are they there? What does that mean? When I was born, they were upside down. Your toes were upside down. She looked like a golf club. Wow. Yeah, I could wipe my own ass with my feet as... OK. What do you do for work, Lino? I work at the Vulcan Gas Company, and I also work at a smoke shop selling weed out of a bus. OK. How's that going? We got robbed. How did that happen? Middle of the night or...? Yeah, it was late night. They bused it in the back of the bus and took all of our weed mushrooms. Very cool people. OK. Yeah, they bused it through the back door. Were you in there? Oh, no. I was partying somewhere else. But it was open. The band... they were selling stuff. No, no, no. It was closed. They broke in late night. They knew what they wanted. They went in our weed. They went in our mushrooms. They went in our vapes. Right. What else could they possibly want from a band that sells weed mushrooms and vapes? It's not much else. Cash. Yeah. They're definitely not looking for your joke book. That's her. Lino, how long have you been on stand-up? Ah, around four or five years now. OK. Yeah, five years. And it's going good for you, huh? I haven't a good time. Yeah, I like it out here. I've been having fun time working in the local scene and building my way up from fucking shit. So... Yep. Yeah. Let's try it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Comedy. Why Lino? What is that name? Is your parents name J Without? I'm named after my dad. My dad's name was Lino. And then he got murdered. So they're like, we need another Lino. Your dad got murdered? Yeah, my dad was murdered. Yeah. Tell us about that. Vapeshaw robbery. No, no. The motherfucker got murdered with the baseball bat. Oh, that's right. Yep. It's all coming back to me now. And he's not even a baseball. Lino, hold where you when that happened. I wasn't... I don't say how is this isn't adding up. I wasn't born. I needed another one of you and he was murdered. Yes. Then maybe you have a different dad. No. You're mom. All of me, right? Yeah. My mom, that big of a... No, my dad, he was murdered while I was in the womb. When I was in the tummy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, damn. Okay. This is just such a crazy speech impediment to hear about a dead dad with. Because for a second, I thought you were in the room when they murdered him. I was in the same womb as he was. Could have been you. Could have been you, little arm-reaching out with the baseball bat. Okay. Yeah, little foot. That crazy club foot. He was either killed by a baseball bat or a mysterious upside-down foot. We were both clubs. There you go. Absolutely. Like father-like son. The apple doesn't fall far from the Louisville slugger. Lino, you've been up many times before. You always have gotten a little jokebook I'm guessing, right? Yeah. Well, guess what, buddy. Today's the big day. Big jokebook for you. Let me know. Rob Regat, ladies and gentlemen. Let's keep it moving along here with one more bucket pool before we get to a special treat. Make some noise for Joe Hanson. We're going to meet Joe all together. One minute uninterrupted for Joe Hanson, everybody. So, guys, I was raised really poor. Just right off the bat. My parents would always try to hide it from us, though. They would always say shit. Like, it's national leftover hamburger helper day. It's like, it's been national leftover hamburger helper day for five nights in a row, man. What are you trying to pull on us? I figured it out, though. I did figure out we were poor when it came time to put down our family dog. It cost $45, and my dad was just like, nah, shoot it. But I was seven years old, man. I took that at face value. I was like, oh, I cannot get sick. We are not a minute clinic family at all. I'm just going to say, Dad, I have a headache. Good, die, bitch. That's cool, though. That's cool. I, uh, Austin's fine. I was walking down six, and this girl goes, I'm having hot girl tummy issues. And then she lifted up her shirt, and she just had a colostomy bag. That's not hot girl tummy issues. That's just a bag of shit strapped to you. Thank you. Hell yeah. Joe Hansen. Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah. Nice. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on standup? Uh, like two, probably two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin. No, I'm actually from Kansas City, originally. Okay. Now you live here? No. Actually, I just moved down to Clearwater, Florida. Okay. What made you move to Clearwater, Florida? My wife is doing her residency down there. So what is she doing a residency for? Internal medicine. Okay. She's a doctor. Five years. Five years retirement. I'm fucking out of a job in five years. Amazing. Look at you, you little gold digger. What do you do for work? I just work like bullshit IT right now. All right. Okay. Let me, if they see this, it's cool IT. And I love it so much. Okay. What kind of money are you making? Not enough to really be saying how much I love it, but. Right. Enough that I don't want to lose it. What are the hours like? It's just normal corporate shit. Okay. What are you doing? Help desk, server admin? Yeah, server admin. Help desk, bed's bitch stuff. Yeah. It is bitch. For I started, man. Really? Yeah, they really treat you like a fucking loser. And then you worked your way up to full-time comedian. That's. Yeah, you're right, it is pretty impressive, thank you. Yeah, it is. It actually is. Joe, what's your plan to work yourself up to being a big-time comedian? Clearwater, Florida. It's a little rough. Yeah, well, Tampa's, it's like, Tampa's got a okay scene. It's, it's not as like saturated, I feel like. But it's very much like, you got to know who's who to get on the shows and stuff. What else are you into? You have any other special skills or hobbies or anything that you're into? I wish I could say I do. There's got to be something. I, well, I mostly just spend time taking care of my wife so that like, I'm, it's, I feel like it's, she would phrase it differently. No, I do, I really do. Because I, I treat it like the same way you would invest in 401K's, me doing the laundry is my contribution. Oh, that's got to suck. Yeah. Does she just like tell you that Wendy Eater, pussy and stuff? Yeah, she gets from work and she goes, someone died, eat my box. Wow, amazing. That is incredible. Does she kind of bring her work home with her? Sometimes and you have to hear about it. I check her on that shit. What do you mean? Give us an example. Well, she'll come home in a flurry and she'll just, she'll like, she'll like work ICU or something like four people will die and she'll go, yeah, today's sob. And I was like, yeah, well, let's leave it at the door and let's go watch some movies or something. Okay. I've got, I don't know, I feel like a puppet master a little bit because I've I've kind of like helped her cope by manipulating it sounds like it is. How long have you been with her? We just got married this year's four years. Okay. Thank you. There's some people very impressed by a four year long relationship. Yeah. It's amazing. She come down here with you? No. No, she's just, she know you're doing. She's at work right now, don't you? Well, she's gonna know. Yeah, let's hope, yeah. She like it. She just came to Austin for what exactly? Me and a group of guys from Kansas City, they came down here and I met up with them. And then we've just been running the shows and mics out here. See anything crazy while you were here in Austin. There was like, I mean, I hate to just be like, yeah, a homeless guy. But like, there was some guy who like was just screaming out at the top of his house. That's it. Well, he started to get close. Amazing. God help you if you ever visit New York or Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah, dude. It was a homeless guy screaming. Fucking amazing. It's creepier when they whisper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great point, Red Band. You guys drove down together? No, I flew, they drove. So, Dr. Wife money. Yeah. I go, yeah, you guys have nine. They're gonna be sitting in the fucking farted up van, driving back. You're the one that got on the fucking show. Yeah, he was in a class. He was in a helicopter right above them. You guys look so small from up here. Well, Joe, I liked your set. I thought it was funny and clever. So, here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Joe, here's it. We're gonna keep it moving along. We have a special treat for you ladies and gentlemen. One of my favorite characters that we ever found here on this show is dropping in with a brand new minute. Make some noise. You know them, everybody. This is indeed the one and only Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. Thank you. I was driving last night and I accidentally hit a deer. A deer all lady. What was she even doing up at 1 a.m.? At all the cops, she didn't look left or right before she crossed and he said she shouldn't have to in her own kitchen. It's that time of year where I've got to decide whether to hang my Christmas lights or myself. Oh, I, yeah. I don't really need Christmas lights there. I just need a bottle of luminal. I was in a drag race earlier today and I got disqualified for wearing sneakers instead of high heels. Okay, my time is up. Sir Winston Pickles. I love it. I love your style, Sir Winston. I hit a deer, a deer all lady. Fantastic panel, Tony. Thank you. So you've missed the, you missed the opportunity to get Rob Reiner. Oh, that is true. We will not have Rob Reiner. He was coming up in a few weeks and... From Chipper's Cell. Yes, that's. You are one evil clown. I gotta tell you, Sir Winston Pickles. I love it. Great jokes. How's life been going, Sir Winston? Very busy. Luminol. Red Band wants to know what Luminol is. Luminol is a thing I've watched every episode of forensic files. That you can spray around the room and if you light it up with a black light, it shows you where blood has been. So what he's saying is that he's murdered so many people that he doesn't have to put up Christmas decorations. He just needs to spray his place with Luminol and it'll all light up. There you go. Smart and funny, if you know what Luminol is, I think I was the only person in the room that knew what it was. Maybe a black light or something instead, you could say, right? I mean, you know, he probably... You don't need a black light with Luminol. It's a chemical reaction, Brian. Oh, really? You don't need a black light? Oh, okay. All right. It just lights up automatically. Yes. Amazing. Black light would show Jizo. Yeah, would. Yeah. See what's coming out of his sir Winston Pickle, you know what I'm saying? So sir Winston, take us through like a day in the life because I think about you sometimes. I'm like, I wonder what the fuck he does during the day. I wonder what he looks like. I find you to be an intriguing and intriguing man. So take us through like... I've just got our own mechanism used into myself in various stores. What do you mean? Like I got a dick-spoitten goods. Work out on their equipment. Actually, I've just bought a Royal Machine. Yeah. But you've got a great price on it, sir. But I've put in the living room every night. He's costing me a fortune. That's just a boat. That's a kayak. So what time of the day do you usually put on the makeup and everything? Like noon. About noon. Amazing. And you're like Ron Arons and stuff. Yes, Ron Arons, yeah. And you enjoy it, right? I love it. Yeah. It's cool. Yes. What do you do when you're not in the makeup? Is there anything that you do? Like you don't go to like a doctor's appointment like that, do you? Wounds of twice. Okay. Yes. What's one of the weirdest places that you've been in that makeup where you got a weird reaction? DMV, do they let you take your driver's license? No, they don't let you do that. Driving license pictures totally different. Okay. No. No, nobody wants to. Any other weird times where you're Sir Winston Pickles? Well, when I used to do it, I started trying it twice. Oh my God. Yes. Door dash. Yeah, the old ring comers. Oh, I can't even fucking imagine. Yes. People must be scared to death. The tips were very high. Yeah. Yeah, that's just straight up scary. I love it. And you're married, right? Yes. Unfortunately. Is she a clown too? No. I should say my ex-wife. She's a clown. No. Oh. What does that mean, Sir? I'll start out. I want to just say it now. Unfortunately. Right. Oh, I got you. Alright, Sir Winston. Well, another great set. So much fun. Always a pleasure to have you. Who's the big friend? Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. The evil dark clown. So dark yet so white. Sir Winston Pickles. There he goes, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles was on the show. Alright, here we go. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Taylor Firth. Taylor Firth. Fairer. Taylor Firth makes the noise for Taylor. So I'm still mad at Obama for not using once you go black. You never go back for his reelection slogan. He was right there. And it would have opened up the door for Trump to use orange as the new black. And that Kabbalah could have kept it going with orange you glad I'm not Biden. And then in a few years RFK can run on the slogan orange juice is giving liver cancer to children. You know, and I Google a lot of stuff like the day I googled whether come goes when you get a vasectomy. I didn't know. And those of you don't know when you get a vasectomy they cut the tube that connects the balls to the outside. And you can't just plug it, right? You can't just put like a little cork in it because you'll keep making jizz. It'll back up and then your balls will explode. I think I don't know. That's why Google did it. It turns out they don't plug it. They just leave it open. So you just continue making jizz goes out the open tube. And then your body just reabsorbs it. That's gay, dude. You mean it's all me that every time you orgasm you just coming all up inside yourself? Uh-huh. Not in God's country. There you go, Taylor. Taylor, fairer. Welcome to the show, Taylor. Got funny there at the end. I don't know if you're quite the political comedian that you think you are. You seem like a guy that would talk about jizz being backed up in your own balls. And you really found your voice there towards the end. I love it. How long you been doing stand-up, Taylor? It was like my 10th time. Oh, wow. So you're new. Yeah. How long you going to go for 10th time? Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. You're welcome. How long ago was the first time? So I started actually like right before pandemic, because I was in PA school. And I was doing it just for kind of fun. PA school. Like a position assistant. Okay. So I was doing it during PA school. We would all go out together. And then- Wait, this is who that guy's wife is going to school with? Yeah, I think so. Fuck. Yeah. And uh. And I did it a few times and then pandemic hit and I just stopped and I started back up a couple months ago. Nice. What made you want to start back up a couple months ago? I just always wanted to do it. So I figured where do you live? Miami. Okay. I could see that. That seems right. So what exactly do you do for work in Miami? I work at ER. You work in an ER. Yeah. As a regular- I got PA. Right. And so what's some crazy stuff that you've seen? I have to be super crazy stuff there. Yeah. Miami emergency room. I can't even fucking imagine. Not long ago this uh older like 84 year old lady came in. She thought she had a UTI. And so we're checking her out for that. And and uh she. That went just lost your medical license. Yeah. So we're checking her out for the UTI. And then she was telling the nurse that the reason why she thinks she had a UTI is because she was having sex and a bunch of liquid came out. And she said her boyfriend told her that squirting is a thing. And so then we had to tell her yeah that is a thing. And she did not have a UTI. So she just came to the ER to tell us that she squirted for the first time. And then she just wow. Holy shit. What's your Instagram? What a brag. Red band. Red band. You can't just say things like that. That's a real human being. What do you know what her Instagram is? All right. So that's pretty amazing. She came to you because she came. Yeah. It's impressive. If you don't mind Lance wanted me to ask is squirt piss? All right. That's a great question. All right. So yes and no, there's piss in it. But it's not all a bit. Oh, yeah. Question, but that wasn't my question. No, no, no, no. Put this on me, Lance. I'm stupid. It's an important question. No, you're going to like my question. You're going to get blamed for. I really have a question. No, I want to hear the other one too. Save that question. Let's find out your breakdown of what do you think the piss to? What is the special liquid that comes out? So there is. There is urine in it. They've done studies where they show like an imaging. And you see the bladder does get empty. It's not a degree, but it's not all piss. Totally true. That is correct. I used to argue with Red Band. We would get into vicious arguments. No, I remember. I've always said it's not pee. Right. That's what I'm saying. I back in the day thought it was pee. But like it always. It always. Okay, you go ahead. Sorry. Welcome to another episode of Kill Taylor, everybody. You go ahead. You take over. It used to confuse me because like squirting is always clear. And I was like, there's no way that every woman is just super hydrated all the time. Right. That's that was what gave me pause. You're exactly right. I'm a, I'm like I was saying. I'm going to go back to my thing and then we're going to get to Lance's question. I'm a converted, uh, squirt believer. There was a period of time where I was anti-squirt, was convinced it was just straight pee. But I got to tell you that's something else. It tastes way better than pee. They did it. Definitely. Red Band said it. I might completely agree with him, but in any matter, disgusting Red Band, you're so gross. Um, let's go over to Lance Armstrong. Yeah, but is that true about the vasectomy of that? That can't be true. It doesn't stay inside. I think there's different. You're supposed to know I'm not a PA or a doctor or anything. There's different ways. One of the ways is to leave it open, but there's also ways that I think that they do actually. So there's anybody in the room had one of these things done? I did. Yeah, anyone give themselves a fucking. Where you wondering this super vasectomy? Why? Like there's nothing comes out. Oh, no, no, no, you still have seminal fluid coming out, but it doesn't connect to the seams. It tastes way better. It tastes way better, Red Band says. Okay, I should have said that. That's great. It's a lot sweeter than regular comp. I don't have any more questions. I have a defense rest. I'm still on the squirt, so okay, some of it's pee. Some of it's pee. What is the other stuff? Is it just like leftover gist from the guy before you or like? That's usually it, guy. That's usually it. Hey, I'm asking a doctor, guys. It's just confidential. It's a bunch of magical stuff. It's kind of like lady sweat, but inside of the thing called the vaginal sponge. Something like that, the bladder sponge. There's like a thing top, top shelf. There's a whole system to it. I might know more than you. I looked into this. I watched a whole 30 minute YouTube tutorial. There's a system. Taylor, what's your love life like? You seem like a good, good, good guy. You're in Miami. You're married. Wow. We met in P.A. school. Okay. All right. Is she also working in the ER? No, she works in aesthetics. Okay. Like Botox, fillers, that kind of stuff. Okay. Wow. And you know kids? No. Now, how does that happen? What are you doing? What's your method? Pulling out. Just regular old, pulling out. Right in time. Just in time. You have a favorite place where you shoot your load? Good question, Tony. She's you people with your groans. It depends on the position. Probably the back. Yeah, your sick of her face at this point. Have you made her squirt? Her no. Interesting, right? No. That was the worst answer you could have. No, that's that Miami lifestyle dude. Now, why do you think that is? Do you think she's just not hydrated enough? That might be the answer. No, I think it's a, I don't know if it's a learnable skill, but I think there's some girls could do it. Right. Maybe you could. Some girls are drier than your political jokes. She may not be old enough. Yeah. Because that lady was old. The lady something. That's true. That's true. So we got to wait. Yeah. Yeah. I'll keep you updated. Any day now. I'm surprised that guy didn't come with that old lady. I would have followed her there. I'd be like, yeah, I did that. Yeah. He's just in the lobby with a poster board. It was me. It's appointed to him. Amazing. Amazing Taylor. Well, fun times. A good set. You picked it up towards the end. I like your style. There's a big jokebook. Back to Miami. He goes. Taylor. For air. All right. We're moving at a great pace. I like this episode. This is fun. This looks like a new name. Makes the noise from Michael Moses. Everybody. Back to the bucket with a minute uninterrupted from Michael Moses. Oh, what's up, Austin? I'm happy to be here. A happy, you be out of the house. Girls mad at me right now. Just had a message on my phone. Messaged popped up. She looked at it. She goes, who's Amber? I was like, bitch, a kid is missing. All right. I'm not Muslim. I'm not Muslim. I know I look Muslim, but I'm not. I got a white mom. She's very white. She's on a cruise ship right now. Okay. But like, I'm not grouping a small town in Canada. 3,000 people. So Muslim people, they pass me. And they're like, I'm a Likam. I'm like, uh, Shama Lamal Bing dong, dude. I have no idea what the fuck that is. My mom is very white. She's very white. She's like, I said she's on a cruise ship. She married white. This dude's so white. His name's Mark. With a C. All right. Mark wears jean shorts. All right. Every time he gets startled, he's like, oh, jeepers. White. Mark's so white, he jumps in the water like this. Okay. Look at that. Plus his nose. He's a grown man. Like, oh, Mark, jump into the water. Let the water go up your nose. Snob rock it and out and push it towards another family. Like a man. He goes, nah, it stinks. All right. My name is Michael Moses. Thank you so much. Michael Moses. Welcome to the show, Michael. You're first time on, right? How long have you been on standup? 13 years. 13 years. Holy shit. Where are you at? Canada. All over. Started Alberta, Toronto. And yeah. That's where you're born, Alberta? No. Yeah. Oh, no. Winnipeg. Winnipeg. Middle. Move to West. Started comedy. East. Yep. Absolutely. So 13 years. And what ethnicity are you exactly? A mix. A mix. So I don't know if you want to ask me the whitest thing about me. Go ahead. Oh, L. All right. Here we go. I guess this guy's ready. I watched the show. 13 years. He is prepared. What is the whitest thing about you? I don't use a washcloth in the shower. That is true. We don't do that. Do you use a lufa? No. You just go... Just fucking bar in here. Rod dog. Bar in hand. Wow. A lot of people are saying you in the audience. Like he has to touch my body. You're good, bro. You ain't touching me, though. What colors you were lufa, Tony? Black. Yeah, me too. Look at that. We have that in common. Look at us. Hopefully we don't ever get a mixed up. Oh, no. All right. Speaking of the color of black, you know what questions coming at you next. Bay madness. What is... Don't make de-madness jokes right now. Okay. What is the blackest thing about you, Michael Moses? My grandma is 46 years old. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Thank you, Sora. That is amazing. That is amazing. So which parent is that? That's your mom's? Oh, yeah. My dad's a black one. Uh-huh. Say, how old's your dad? RIP. He was 37 when he... 37. He did die by gunshot. That is probably the real blackest thing about me. That happens in Canada. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Wow. I thought you guys had it all figured out of there. 37. He was killed by a gun. What exactly went down there. Demandist is going to find the killer. Yeah. Free. He does not like black men being killed. He's very aggressive about it. People who solved exactly zero murders. If you can do it. I made that joke. Five seconds. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. You're out of there. 37, he was killed by a gun. What exactly went down there? Demandist is going to find the killer, right? Yeah, free. He does not like black men being killed. He's very aggressive about it. He's solved exactly zero murders, by the way. If they call him a private eye. People with eyes can't find, so if you can do it. I made that joke five seconds ago. So what happened? What happened? Where your dad got shot? It was a clothing store robbery. So he was doing the robbery? Actually, like, hold on. Let's take it one step at a time. No, your father was doing a robbery. With his friends. With his friends in Canada. In Canada. In Jacket Store? 100%. 100%. I also think that beats the 42 year old grandma. But yeah. Yeah, what was the exact store? Was it a foot locker? It was a clothing store. It was at 100%. You don't know the clothing store? No, I don't. You never asked. This is like, it happened on a 17. I've been too scared to find out. Because we actually don't know what happened to the guys. So what do you be, fuck, and that guy who doesn't want to touch me right now? What do you know about what happened? So yeah, with clothing store, he went in with some friends that to rob the place. They knew the person who owned it. And then there were customers. And they tied them up. They all tied them up and put them in. And then this is what I've heard from my uncle who kind of went up there and looked. And my mom said, so things we want to believe. You're 18 year old uncle, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah, exactly. So the thing with my dad had that moment of this thing right. And then, you know, Tussle back and forth, gun goes off. God. Oh, shit. Damn. Wow. He's really fresh to death. Oh, my best. Yeah, no, no. We needed somebody to try to break the tension and that. Yeah. That was a good effort, man. The dude with the black wife got to go for it, bro. You know? Yup. You're exactly right. I appreciate that coming from him. You're exactly right. Incredible. So what's mom up to? She's alive. Yeah. Remarried white. She went white with the mark things real. To mark. Yeah, 100%. Amazing. 100%. Yeah, they love cruise ships. They own a big camper. They go camping all summer. She golfs and she just works and chills. Yeah. Amazing. Not bad at all. She's still in winning pick. No, she's like Southern Alberta. Cool, Dale. Alberta hometown. Like Katie Lane. Never mind. OK. You got to try it. Don't know that song. The big bone girl from Southern Alberta. Come on. All right. Yeah. Try the fresh to death water. She's from Southern Alberta. I was a bad theme for dads dying tonight. Another dude is dad got hit with a baseball bat. Yeah. Yeah. Who did it? Uh, we didn't get it in that. We didn't even find out. Oh, OK, damn. You asked him. Amazing. OK. So mom's back out on cruise ships. What do you, how do you make money? I'm a, I do, I do this comedy. And then I, uh, I do this. Uh, comedy. And then I, uh, have a social media, uh, channel. So the, it's a stupid concept. But the concept is, uh, I go into a restaurant every day. At the same time, I order the exact same thing. And I see how long it takes for them to ask me if I want the usual. And I know, but it's got, I got, I'm getting 50 million views on video. It's like, it's, it, that's a, that's, that's, that is the concept is that. But then what happens, it's, it's wholesome shit. You know, I get to know somebody, a stranger, turn them into a stranger. And then at the end of the, you know, uh, week, we just raise money for them. I've, you know, gotten people like $2,000. Actually helped the Korean lady. And now she can ship her son off to, uh, university in Australia. Wow. And money so like that. So then social media money like that. And then very cool. I'm doing it. So, all right. Has there been one where it hasn't happened yet? And you're still there like two, for two years or something. 100% bro, I'm doing Sandy's hamburgers here in Austin, Texas. Day 22, these motherfucking Mexicans do not speak to me. Oh. I love it. I love it. hilarious. Michael, what's your love life like? Don't, I actually, uh, I just got engaged, uh, four weeks ago. Wow. Thank you. Is she white? She's white. You're following in your dad's footsteps. Yes, she's bright. Look at that. I am doing. Oh my goodness. Do you ever tie her up while stealing her clothes? Oh, okay, dokey. Uh, uh, uh, following in his dad's footsteps. Have you guys remember? Yeah, I love it. How pregnant is she? Uh, do February. Do February. Wow. It's common. Yes, common, man. Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Michael, fun times. Thank you. Uh, you did great. Your 13 years is very evident. You're, you have great stage presence. Everything's amazing. Here you go. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. But thank you so much, Tony. Thank you, guys. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Michael Muggs is. Woohoo! All right, we've come to the point of the show. We're one of our regulars. It's right behind that curtain and ready. He is the dark storm of Atlanta. I believe this guy is the absolute future and the present of the Killtony Universe. Make some fucking noise for the one and only deadrick Flynn, everybody, area. Woohoo! Woohoo! Woohoo! Yeah! Man, I was raised in the ghetto and I hate to getto. The ghetto stole Christmas from me, like physically and mentally at the same time. About a week before Christmas, they came and took everything, even our decorations. And then my whole family was downstairs and they were crying. And then I looked at my cousin, Deli, and because we were both like six years old, and we had like a childlike innocence, we both realized it doesn't matter. Santa's still coming. And so we started getting kinda happy and kinda dancing and my grandma was like, what a fuck are you dancing over there? And I was like, grandma, Santa's coming. Don't worry, we all can rejoice. And she said, nigga Santa ain't real. And that kinda took the Christmas love out of my heart. But it was placed back there shortly after because my uncle, my uncle Chris, because you can't smell Christmas at our Chris. He came in and he was like, he looked at my dad and he was like, yo, why are you ain't got no decorations? It presents for the kids and we told him what happened. He said that won't do. And then he came back into the house a couple of hours later, like a fully decorated tree in presence from somebody else's house. So we just are open to museum. You know what I'm saying? I got a green ranger in a Bobby Playhouse. We re-gritified the neighborhood that day. That's my time. Yeah. Hilarious. Dead trip. Plenty. Yeah. That is amazing. Grandma's are the ones that do that. My grandma's the one that told me Santa isn't real. Oh, man. I remember it very clearly. How do you remember where you were when you... Yeah, kids in school. Right there, it's just finding out. Haha. For a man that eats milk and cookies every night. That's very surprising. Ho, ho, ho, very jolly. There he is. Demandness, ladies and gentlemen. He sits Santa Claus three times. He pops up, I don't know where for some reason. Haha. I love it. Wow, that story sounds so authentic. That's real, huh? Yeah, that's a... That's a verbal photograph that I gave you right there. Like, that is exactly what happened. I mean, the ghetto of Atlanta, it just seems like an absolute treasure trove of material. Yeah. You saw what it did to Casey Rocky. All right, that's what happened to you. You have a white boy that grew up around the same environment as me. Yeah. You did a nigga that pulled a harmonica out for no reason at all. That's why I got this little slingshot right here. I don't know, man. Oh, shit. They don't got no metal detectors in here. I'm just waiting, don't pop off. But don't worry, I got my concealed carry permit that I made. My laminated is... The cops won't know the difference. You laminated it? Yeah, yeah, laminated is a dead drink, slinky, shotty permit, state of Texas. And it's got a picture of me so they know that it's mine. Oh, yeah. It's a little bit light, light skinned, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they didn't have any brown markers near me when I got the idea. Yeah. What do you put in the slingshot? You have... Anything to hurt people. I just... Sometimes I got... I went about some marbles, but they let me in with the marbles. They took the marbles out of the door, so shout out to the mothers you have staff for a good, sir. They are very good at that. They're right. I want to see... They said not so fast, Dennis, the men of society. I want to see if it works. Let's see how far you could shoot a little joke but gotten to the crowd. Oh, my God, job off! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That thing's got some distance. Wow. You about to find like you, you know what I'm saying? That went to the lobby. You just took out a thick white lady. Yeah. Your very strategic shot. I know what I'm aiming, you know. The form was crazy, too. I would have pinched it. You just put one finger in like, oh, that's crazy. Yeah, I used to shoot hornets at people in middle school. I was the ISS. I was a bad kid. There was a lot of... Because I knew Santa Claus wasn't real, so I gave up on being good. Look how intense the cop by the exit doors right now. I got a tattoo on his pistol. I love it. Were you really a bad kid growing up? I was just so smart that I would get doing my work early and then I came to sit down. You know what I mean? I got to pass notes. You know, I got to play my game, boy. I got to be a distraction. I was really good at popcorn reading. So Niggas loved me. Popcorn reading. That's what you see. Does anyone see who's stupid in your class? Everybody take a turn. You have to read a passage. And then you say popcorn like Tony. And then you start reading. And they like, Johnny walked across the Island. And they like, Niggas asked Island. You know what I'm saying? That's... Oh my God. Hilarious. Oh my God, I'm so good. It really is unbelievable. I love it, Dedric. What are you doing for Christmas? How are you celebrating? I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. What are you doing for Christmas? How you celebrating this year. I just bought my nephew. This Bollerass drivable gravedigger. It was like $500. Uncle dady got it. You know what I'm saying. We doing a Christmas show. It's already sold out. We got like a Christmas man that's gonna play, I'm gonna do some pop punk Christmas songs on there. So it's gonna be fun to shoot. Okay. All right, you're doing Christmas songs. I love it. Clap for him. Yeah. I'm doing big things. Dedric, you're the fucking man. Hey, I love y'all. Thank y'all so much. Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. One of the grades. And it goes on and on. We found Dedric out of the bucket just five or six weeks ago or so. Anything gonna happen here. Your next bucket, pulled goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Here we go. It comes Lorenzo. I don't know if you guys can tell I'm nervous. Ah. But I gotta let some off my chest for room. I don't donate to thrift stores, I'm gonna be honest. Something I don't want to is that I can't. I'm poor. I'm growing up. You know, I grew up in a small town. You think I want to see my neighbor two freaking streets down, rocking my hammy downs better than me? Fuck that. Yeah, I grew up poor. I was also raised with my grandma. I'm based at Courtsy Cowley Dominican. No Courtsy Cowley dog fans in here. Fuck you. Um, well, grown up, pulled my grandma. She would always have me reusing Courtsy Swarp bags. It's like tiny trash can bags. You ever do that, guys? Yeah, right? Not bad. But um, damn. All right, we'll leave it there y'all. Yes, you will. Lorenzo Tyree, we were waiting. We've waited for a bomb like you all night, Lorenzo. Even the people that have done bad before were doing good here tonight. And then you came out our first female comedian of the night. Look at you. For my goodness gracious. Look at you. Oh, okay. All right, very good. You really got me there, Lorenzo. Amazing. So let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for two years now. Where at? All around Austin. I started here. You started here at the mothership. In a long time. I've been on before. You don't remember me. No, you have been on before. Yes, sir. Wow. What did we find out in the interview last time you were on? My bads fucking. Please tell me that your dad got murdered. Wow. This is incredible. So three in a row. No, he actually died this year. I'm not going to lie. Really? How did he die? Nomonia. Nomonia. Jesus. Got him. Wow. What crime was he committing when the Nomonia got to him? Is that a running theme here for a few comedians in a row? It's incredible. What was he robbing at the time? Fucking my childhood, shit. Amazing. Amazing. So the Nomonia got him. That was recent. Yeah. I told him on school. Were you close with him? No, no. He lived in Dominica, and I'm from Alaska. I don't know. I went there to see him. He was piece of shit. How do you end up in Alaska if he's Dominican? So he ran from his crimes to Alaska. What were his crimes? By the way, people make, I mean, holy shit. This is, you know, people are like, wow, Kiltoni, you know, maybe they're making a lot of stereotype jokes. It's like, we're not. We are not. We are just facing the truth in reality. My father wasn't there for me. He was robbing places. He was like trying killing people, committing crimes. Holy fucking shit, man. Like I'm trying to give everybody an opportunity here. And holy shit. This is like a Asian people were coming up. I'm like, sorry, I'm late. I don't know. I actually didn't. This is crazy. What's happening here? This is an eclipse. It's like a dark eclipse of darkness. This is incredible. A bunch of dead criminal fathers. OK. So what kind of crimes was he committing? Was this in this was in Alaska? No, he escaped to Alaska. That's where he got caught. But last scam, and he was a scammer. He was a scammer. OK. What kind of scams was he doing? Do you know exactly? Shit. I think calls like he would set up. I don't know too much about him. But yeah. All good. Yeah. All good. OK. So he got caught in Alaska committing crimes and fled to the Dominican Republic. Deported. Deported. Deported. Wow. What year was this? Free. Who was president at the time? Like 2001. 2001. Oh, OK. Wow. He must have really committed crimes for Biden to deport him. It's amazing. Normally, he would just keep those people here and tell them to get out and vote. Anyway, Lorenzo Tyree. So what's mom up to? Mom? Just like last time, she's still on drugs. Still on drugs? Still on drugs? Kind of drugs is mom on. Be Rothea, the Neal kind. Wow. Damn. See her out there on your own. You're just doing it. How old are you, Lorenzo? She got a man, though. No, I'm sorry. Lance wanted me to ask that. All right. All right. All right. All right. I was a little curious. Wow. So how old are you, Lorenzo? I'm 23. 23 years old. 23. What? 23. Yes, sir. Yep. OK. So you have any special skills or hobbies that you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy? I've been coming home with people's hair. Really? Yeah. I actually tired of that. Are you getting their permission first? LAUGHTER Yeah. The black and mild and free haircut. They love it. They love it. Amazing. Do they really love it? Are you giving them the same haircut that you have? Well, I buzzed a couple because they had... I couldn't work with it. They had nothing up here. Just straight sunburn. So yeah, I just... How many homeless people do you think you've given haircuts to? It's so interesting. Eight on camera. Oh, you're making money off of it. Whoa. Oh, you're absolutely doing it for your own personal gain. That's pretty cool. Wow. Incredible. Your parents would be so disappointed if they knew this was happening. Okey-dokey. I don't know if nobody laughed at that. I guess I'm the asshole on that one. All right. Twenty-three. Been on comedy for two years. What else about you? How do you make money? Work out a little smoke shop. OK. There's another theme. Yeah. There's a second one. There's a running theme here. You're gonna rob, sir. Not yet. OK. Not yet. Would you say it's a what shop? Hemp. Hemp shop. OK. How long have you been working there? About a year and a half. OK. All right. Yeah, I like it. What's your love life like? So I wasn't boot up when I last got here, but I have a girlfriend now. OK. Where'd you meet her at? A hinge. Yeah. A hinge at right after I got off, I was like, kill Tony might be regular. Oh, you posted all the photos of me. No. You tried to scam her. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm sorry. Was I hallucinating or was, did you come out and do like a titty dance? Oh, wow. No, that's real. That happened. That's crazy. I've never seen puberty stop at the neck before. That's nuts. Your head is completely unpushed by testosterone. True. I use monoxide. I'll try to get a beard and that shit ain't not worth. Oh, man. It takes time sometimes. Lorenzo, let's talk about it. When you met this girl on hinge, where's the first place you went on a date? We went to Red Farm, Asian cuisine. Asian cuisine. How did that go? Pretty good. Anything weird happened? Oh. Oh. OK. No. And then you took her back where to your place, her place? Um. Shit. Alaska. We went on a long ass walk in the dark. I was like, are you sure you want to do this kind of weird? And she's like, yeah, I do this all the time by myself. I'm like, what? I've heard of the racer-ripper. And she's like, yeah. I think you're the one that should be worried about the rainy street ripper about it. I don't know if you've seen his clientele, but it's you. Oh. It's us. It's us. It is. It is us. I know. But I put that one on you. I've already had about five gay jokes on me this episode. OK. So Lorenzo, how long have you been with her now? It's been five months, six months. OK. What's the highlight of it all? What's your favorite thing about having a girlfriend? She's really funny, honestly. She's really funny. I'm not going to lie. Nice. Well, the next time you should have her sign up. Oh, my God. Ha, ha, ha. No, Lorenzo, you're doing fine, buddy. You're just beginning. You're so young. Yeah. You've got the, you love doing it, right? I do. You got a small joke book last time? I do. Guess what? Tonight, you're getting a medium. Oh, my goodness. We're working up. We're working up. Let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Lorenzo Tyree. There he go. No? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Yeah. Yeah. All right. We're going to keep it moving along here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Buffy, everyone. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. One more time for Buffy, everybody. Starting now. A little girl once asked me if I was from Whoville. What? Okay. What? What? What is happening? Are you all having bowel movements? Yeah. Cool. The last guy I dated, I called Daddy because he, too, forgot my birthday, ghosted me, and said I was too loud in bed. I was like, oh, my God. But I'm finally dating somebody that's not after just one thing. He's after two. Well, three if we count my mouths. Okay, Buffy. We're going to stop you there. Wow. You got a two and a half jokes out there in 60 seconds. You took a little while. You let the crowd kind of be symphony with you, if you will. Yeah. Welcome, Buffy. Have you done stand up before? I have. Okay, how long have you been doing it? I've been on here before. You have? 743. 743. Absolutely. What are we on now? Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Thank you, Red Ben. What a great partner. Okay. Did it go better last time? Are you under the influence of something right now? No. Nothing at all. No medicine. No alcohol. Nothing at all. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. What is that? What's that noise? What is the answer? Mm-hmm. You can tell the truth. It's okay. We all know it. We are positive. Shake spears. Okay. Okay. What did you have at Shake Spears? Just a pitcher. Just one pitcher? With a vodka soda pitcher, right? Okay. Okay. Okay. Are the bucket of Zannock special? Yeah. Sheets spears. Holy shit. Cool. Cool. You're not driving tonight, are you? No. Okay. All right. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Quick, can we get our buddy up here? Is she blowing? She blew for a minute 15 seconds, stringer set. This should be pretty easy. Here's our resident police officer. Make some noise for Barbosa. What do we got? What's the reading there? It says flow. FLO, what does that mean, Barbosa? Flo. Hand flow. You know what that means? Why don't we try it again? Heidi has the technical abilities of an absolute blow up doll, ladies and gentlemen. It's incredible. She is blowing everyone. The breathalyzer can't get herpes twice. I heard you. There you go. Something happening, Heidi. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real breathalyzer. And the answer is, it's on a loading screen. And the fuck? Oh, one point. Yeah, so hold on. All right, all right. Left bar, both. Tim, give bar, both of that microphone real quick. I don't know what that means. Well, he's about to tell you. What would point 1, 1, 1, 1, 5? What would that win her if you pulled her over? What would point 1, 5? She get a little joke book, big joke book. Yes. Definitely a big joke book and a trip to jail. Oh, I love it. We got to make sure. Keep an eye on her tonight. Don't let her hit the streets. De-man is, too. Don't let him drive tonight, either. Yeah, that's pretty high, right? That is high. I believe that's twice over the legal limit. Yeah. You performed like you were three times over the legal limit. So that's the good news. We're hecking. No, this changes everything. She started to find a rhythm by the end, and I think it makes it actually pretty impressive. It is amazing. You may have found your voice. How about a hand for officer Barbosa, ladies and gentlemen? Always amazing. The Austin Police Department. That's a real police officer. That's how present they are. In LA, you could call them, and it'll take an hour and a half for them to show up. Here, it's like, hey, can you come up here real quick? Texas justice over here. Have you gotten a DUI before? Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, my God. Only one? Only one. Very good. What's your blow on that one? The cop. A cop. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah, how much? Huh? Do you remember what you blew? You're then? It was in 2013. Oh, that's a whole different time. Back then, a 0.15 is worth 0.18. Right. Buffy, what do you do for work? How do you survive? So what is so funny? I didn't even answer. You're drunk. You signed up for this show. I know. I'm so excited. Hell yeah. No, I'm a stunt driver. I told you that. Oh, I remember you now. I'm that person, yeah. OK. Have you been working lately? No, I'm an Austin. OK. So how do you make money when you're in Austin? Well, I saved up some money to be here. OK. All right. What's your driving is stunt driving after you've had a few? She's drifting in other lanes and shit like that. Amazing. Buffy, what's your love life like? You're here in Austin, Texas. A bunch of rock stars all around you. Musicians all over. It's changed since I'm been on the show. Oh. I've been offered a lot of ski trips. Mm. Is that a code for something? Yeah. Guys want to do cocaine with you on 6th Street. Yeah. Let's take a ski trip to Shakespeare's half-priced pictures. Is that true? I've been jacking off two guys. Yeah. No, when I was on here, I mentioned about not wanting to date older men because they were writing off activities like skiing. And so men and my DMs were offering me ski trips. Wow. That's good. Amazing. And I'm like, they have money so I should take them up on it. Did you take anybody up on it? One guy offered me golf lessons. And so we're going to have a golf lesson. Tony and I are looking for a third for tomorrow. Wow. I don't know if you feel like driving the golf cart. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's called a threesome, not a third. Force threesome, forces. Land to old dog. Buffy, what else do you mean to say that? What? What? What else? What else? What else makes Buffy Buffy, other than the stunt driving and the attempting comedy? What else? Oh, no. It's acting comedy. Oh, OK. Did you just piss a little? Yeah. It helps. It's like, I've never seen anyone get drunk or without drinking on stage. This is incredible. This is like the delayed release alcohol. Wait, what? Other than the comedy and the stunt driving, what else do you do? And makes me leak a little? What? God. Bitch, you're retarded. There she goes, everybody. Buffy, you already have a little joke book, right? No, I have a big joke book. Well, you fucking fucked it up tonight. There you go. There she goes, Buffy, everybody. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes you're done it. Car keys real quick. Sometimes you've done good. You get a big joke book. And then the next time you get a little overconfident, you fucking have a picture of vodka next door. And then there she goes, everybody. Buffy, everyone. Buffy, the vodka picture slayer. Well, I have a very, very special treat for all of you ladies and gentlemen. A very, very, very one of the greatest comedians in the world is here to bless us for a moment of stand-up comedy. Not only is he one of me and Lance's favorite golf friends, he's also one of the coolest guys in the world. And like I said, one of the greatest comedians in the world. The guy that got this whole Austin party started. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Rod Wai.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I just got off a plane and I came, I just heard Lance was going to be on and I thought I got to come up here. And I just came in from Los Angeles. My favorite thing about Los Angeles Tony is that the people out there. And you know, I've always been kind of pro-California, which is not always the popular thing. But the people out there just so goddamn pretty. And I'll tell you how it happened back in the 1920s. They started making movies out there. And all these beautiful people from all over America flocked to fuck out there to be in the movies. And they couldn't all be in the movies. Something got regular job, but they met those people that were in the movies. They got together and they had these beautiful babies. And those babies grew up and met other babies from the same area. They got together and had even more beautiful babies. And almost the exact opposite thing is happening right now in Kansas.!!!! Kansas is full of ugly quitters, have you ever been there? It's true. Those people who live on the West Coast, their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail and fought hardships. You and I can't even dream of with starvation and weather crossing the Rocky Mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail in St. Louis, Missouri. They got the Kansas said, fuck it. I'm staying here. And I'm going to fuck that fat girl right over there. We had a baby. It looks like a potato. And that potato grew up and met another potato from the same town. And... That's a downward spiral. Topeka. That's exactly how that fucking happened. Now I generally just popped in to say hi. That is amazing. You guys get to see exactly how the fuck it's done. That's the difference between a bucket pool and a regular and one of the greatest of all time, Ron White. You are the fucking man. Good to see you guys, man. We'll see you in a little bit. Well party after this. Come on guys, one more time for Ron fucking one. Shit. What a show we have tonight. Unbelievable. What do we have over here? What do you... Oh this guy. You want to say hi? Pop out real quick. Look at this. It's like the Royal Rumble tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely anything going to happen. Popping in also to say hello. Another one of the greatest comedians of all time. Absolute comedy royalty. The Sun of Midsci Shore Movie Star. Comedian. This is Holly Shore. Oh! Oh! Thank you. Let's stop. How's it going, dudes? Thank you. What's up? So I did acid recently. Anyone else do acid? The thing is, if you do acid, don't do it at the fucking sphere in Las Vegas. That's fucking gay. I did it in the back of one of those Waymos. Holy shit. The Waymos are the fucking cars with no fucking driving. I started freaking out. I started fucking driving the car. And after that I gave myself two stars. Two stars. At least I'm not sober like gay ass fucking Charlie Sheen, bro. What a fucking sellout. What a fucking sellout. This guy is. Anyone here is sober? That's not fucking cool, dude. I have friends that are sober. I got this one friend that's sober. He doesn't do shit. I'm like, you can't have a glass of red wine with your fucking dinner, bro. He's like, if I do that, then I want a snore nape ball. I'm like, how the fuck do you go from wine to a fucking ape ball? He goes, I don't know. You fucking tell me, dude. And I have another friend of mine who smokes pot every day. He's throwing a marijuana and puts in his food. Went to his house there a day, had some chicken pot pot pie. Paulie, mother fucking short. There you go. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Thank you for having me on your program. Thanks some fucking noise for Paulie's short. This is a goddamn party. Thank you for having me on your program. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Now make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis. No, I'm kidding. That's all right. I don't ever do that. I lied. That was very naughty of me. Oh, this drunk guy's furious. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. And yet you pay for this. Oh, I love it. All right. Some poor innocent soul out of the bucket has to follow. Ron White and Paulie Shore. Back to back. Hip Taylor everybody. Hi. That's Shane. That's Shane. That's Shane. That's Shane. That's Shane. That's Shane. Okay. I realize that I do look like I would never have turned on a foot long. Okay. I do hate Subway though. I think it's overrated. Any Subway fans in here? Okay. A couple. I think it's overrated. But also, I just think they're sub-suck. I think like, I hate Subway because they managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogel the subway guy. We all remember him, right? Managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogel the subway guy lost over 250 pounds and only eating Subway and not fucking kids. Guys, we all know the saying, weight loss is what? Diet and exercise. Okay. I've never fucked a kid but I imagine it would take a lot of work. That's all I'm saying. Okay. It's a tough spot you were in. It was back. You said Shane and I'm like, where the fuck is he doing? Stop. I know. You had to sweat it out back there literally and metaphorically. Live. Welcome back to the show. You've been on before. Yes. And what do we find out about you, Liv? Remind us what you know about him. A lot of sad shit. It's okay though. I'm a... At a live? I'm an orphan. Mom. Mom, dad is alive. Mom's dead. Wow. How did mom die? She kept back her car. Oh, wow. Okay. I was waiting for it. I was always some siren or a foreigner somewhere. Liv, is anything changed since the last time you were on the show? What's going on with you? What's happening with you? I'm a... You know, just work and surviving. What do you do for work? I'm a vet tuck. Okay. I work in... How are the animals good? Yeah, they're... I mean, take a day by day. Any weird animals come in lately? I had a really, really sad case today. It's called a septic abdomen which is basically like a intestine, something, perps all the grossness gets inside and you gotta go and surgery and figure it out. I do the anesthesia part so I keep the animal asleep. Dog or cat? I was a dog. Did it survive the surgery? It did survive the surgery. I'm very proud. Wow. It did survive. It did survive. Is there a butt coming there? It looked like... There was a butt. They decided they elected to euthanize up the after. Wait a minute. It's looking so... What? I cried. It sucked. It's one of those situations where it was just a lot of money and... It was another situation with the dog who was very, very young and it was like a lifelong thing that they would have had to deal with. What was the lifelong thing that they... It had what's called like a liver shunt. So basically, it only had a... It didn't metabolize things very well. So it only had like a certain lifespan. So it would probably live to maybe four years old. Could they have fetid till it exploded? If it obstructed for sure. For sure. Is it true veterinarians have like a higher suicide rate than any other profession? It is the number one. Number one for the nation. The number one for suicide rate. 100%. Explain to us why that is. Because they're all wearing fucking chokers. Yeah. There's a lot of us that wear these in that profession. I mean, you just got to think about it. Like, human medicine and veterinary medicine don't work the same. So like, insurance doesn't work the same. It's very costly. You know, when you have things happen with your animals, like emergencies and stuff. So like, people just can't afford it. Oh, yeah. I'm upside down on a cat right now. People... People... $2,500 on a cat I don't like. What's happening with your cat? He ate half of a nerf dart and it got stuck in his bowel. Abstruction. Abstruction. And it's helping you. Dumb chubby bitch charges $3,000 to get it out. She's right next to you. Psh. I saved your fucking cat. He's thankful. That's years of schooling. You're welcome. Wow. Amazing live. What else is going on in life? You have a boyfriend? Uh, yeah, yeah. Oh boy. Kind of sort of... Well, I mean, I do. I'm also a widow, so I've just started getting... You're a guy died in a car accident. Correct. Wow. Everything with cars. I did. Lots of cars. Yeah, it's wild. You're a widow. Believe it or not, I'm a woman, but I'm an excellent driver. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. I started seeing somebody when I first got here and we were like seeing each other for a while and I kind of just got into this panic mode, I think, where I didn't exactly know what I wanted and I kind of just wanted to be by myself but I think it's more so just like, I wanna figure out who I am as a person outside of being with somebody else. I know. I know, I know, it's so sad. I'm back with this person. I'm back with this person. We'll make it exciting. I fuck Tony, I fuck, okay? What do you mean? I can't say that. What exactly do you mean? I fuck. Yeah, but when you say that so aggressively, what exactly do you mean by that? All the dogs. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, like, I guess a very straight forward said, like, you know, lady in the streets, freaking the streets kind of thing. Now is dog squirt also pissed? It's a good quest. I'm sorry, Lance wanted me to know. No. Yeah. This shit has to stop. Yeah, I agree Lance, it's not going great. Ha ha ha ha. No, but I did see, what did you see? I did see a dog clitoris for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Let's go. Yeah. Tell us about it. They're evolving. This is good news for Red Band. Oh. What? I mean, basically the dog came in because the owner saw like a mass on the vulva, which for men, that's the outside of the vagina, just so you know, that's what it's called. There you go. How much pressure do you got to put on them? Are you so inspecting your pet's vulva? And I didn't know that. I mean, it's kind of there for you to see, you know, you can see if a dog is a male or female just by looking at it. For sure, but, you know, I mean, they were looking, they're looking pretty close, but it was just like right there. It was like, they said it was like a fleshy mass and then just looking at it. That's how most guys would describe a clitoris in this room. Like what is that? I don't even know what that is. What's that fleshy mass on the outside? I don't know. I think I think that's her clitoris. So was it a, was it a, was it a, was it a, was it a, was it a big clit? It wasn't, it was just, it was just not, it's not, that's not normally where it's like, it's like, what kind of dog was it? What kind of, what was the brain? It was like a doodle thing. It was a doodle thing with a, yeah. And it had a, it only makes everything with poodles. Yeah. They call them doodles like, I think it's Instagram. Do you know what it takes to grab? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're getting a little bone. How much would it cost to get my dogs vulva bigger? And like some like, not impressed implants. So whole different specialty dog as a whole different specialty. Red band asked him to ask that question. Wow. So, wow. Dogs a lot of fun. It can be. The job is fun. Yeah. Wow. And they have clits. Yeah, it's crazy. Your dog has a clit. If you have a female dog, it has a clit. Amazing. Do dogs squirt? Is that a thing? Do you have sex? Is that ever, is that possible? Just out of curiosity. Expressing glands. No. Expressing glands. These are expressing anal glands. That's different. That's different red band. I have seen a male dog. Like, you know how you'll see funny videos of dogs just like hopping the air. I've actually seen a dog like finish. Wow. It was, it's ew. It's fucking, it was weird. But I mean, did it pull out? Like, how did it? No, it was just in the air. Like, he. Whoa, she does fuck. Hold on. Don't leave me hanging dog. Don't leave me hanging dog. Hell yeah. Amazing. Liv, what size joke book did you get last time you were? I got a big one. OK, well, there you go. Keep filling it up. There goes lib Taylor, ladies and gentlemen. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Ian Sharp, everybody. Ian Sharp. Here we go. We're going to put our little ribbon on it after this. Wow. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for welcoming me onto this, on this stage, onto this free speech zone where I could say whatever I want with no repercussions whatsoever. Not like out no free speech zone. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Keep believe there's things I can't say today in America. For example, Arnold, Arnold, fuck, Arnold, Pomp, Arnold, you know that drink? It's like half sweet, T half lemonade. Arnold, fuck, I can't say it. Wish they'd change it, you know, to something I can say? Like, I don't know. Like retard water, you know? I can say that anytime I want. Re-train just rolls right off the tongue, you know? So we will get mad at that joke, right? They say it's like it's punching down. But if you pay attention, it's not about anybody, right? I'm not calling anybody that. I'm not anti-retard. I'm pro-choice. Shit, was that a minute? Was that not a minute? Jesus. Yeah, sure. Hi, Ann. Hi, Ann. Thank you. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah, so I counted as my first. My first time was on like a turbo round. So I just went up and did my minute and then you guys got me out of here. OK, was that a Vulcan? No, it was here, it was here. It was like the record setting most guest ever on the show, that OK? Well, you're part of history. Welcome back, Ian. This went better, right? Oh, absolutely, yes. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, God, like 14 years. 14 years. Wow, where are at? Chatting you get Tennessee. Wow. What keeps you in Chattinguga? Well, nothing. I moved here. All the pussy. Dogs have clits now. Ian, what do you do for work? I do IT tech support. OK. Now let's go. What is going on? Senior IT correspondent Tim Butterlay. Look, helpdesk is where you start out. You don't make any money. Everyone thinks you're a fucking creep, and they treat you like dog shit. So it's like, this is a bro. I feel so seen right now. Also, real quick, I really liked your stuff. I thought that was a really great bit, and I was really impressed. I think you're so much. I don't think they gave it up enough. I really love that. Shocks. You are adorable, Ian. You really are. What's the rest of your life? What do you do when you're not doing stand up or do an IT? A lot of D&D, I paint miniatures. Never mind. Dungeons. Every unit is spent just by looking at me. Dragons. What else other than D&D? There must be other things. You magic the Gathering of Hammer. Do any Warhammer? I sort of kind of. I play other games like Warhammer. But you guys don't want to hear about that. I don't want to hear about it all that. But I mean, I probably were playing knockoff Warhammer. That's deep shit, man. Do you have a girlfriend? What do you think? Have you ever humped the air and came? Tony, it's like there before the grace of God go eye, man. God bless you, brother. You watch Pornian? What do you think? It's a great interview. You're killing it. That could be every answer to every question. What would we find if we looked at your porn search history? What would we find? Ask me what I think. So you want a real answer? Yeah, I want real answer. You're going deep, pit. No. Yes, liver shunt, septic gut. Oh, oh, oh, that's over the line. All right. What would be your honest search history? Give us something good here and honest. I like the older ladies. Ooh. Wow. What if you ever kissed an older lady in Austin, Texas? Have you? Not in Austin. Really? Is there an older lady out there that wants to come up and get this guy at this? That's a man, for sure. We have the best fans in the world. Is there a woman over, we'll say, 40 or 50 out there? Anybody? Still that guy really wants to get on stage. Really? I guess there's not even really an older woman. This lady doesn't want to. You can't suggest people, sir. They have to want to do it. Come on, there's got to be someone out there. What about this lady sitting with the male mermaid? Man, I'm looking at you, yeah. Where? That's your husband. Holy shit. Where's the lady that blew a 0.18? He got to get a... What the fuck did I sign up for? What the fuck did I sign up for? There's nobody... We don't have a... Four-year-old. We don't have a hero out there. There's no older ladies. People are still pointing. That's a man, everybody. There's some guys that are so drunk that they are still pointing at the same guy. Nobody? All right, well... Does someone run out? Is this like real quick and fine one? This is like my life for begging people to kiss me. No, no, no, no, dude. Oh, I... Fuck it. Well, I don't know. Well, like a regular age lady or something. Yeah. We do like a glory hole kiss, maybe? Yeah. I'll be on the other side waiting for you. Oh, man. So Ian, have you gotten... No sexual partners whatsoever you're not interested? What? I mean, I wouldn't say that. I've gotten pretty well. I love it. What? How dare you, Tony? I do, all right. I do okay enough to not be sad about it. That's cool, man. Yeah, you seem happy. I like you, Ian. I like you. Thank you, guys. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? I mean, I don't know. I used to kind of be in a marginally successful metal band when I was younger. Oh, wow. What was the name of the metal band? Ooh, this is where it gets rough. We were called with faith or flames. It's where a Christian metal band. Wow. What did you play in the band? I was the vocalist. I was the vocalist. Really? Yeah, that got it. Can you give us an example? It's been a while, but I'll try. Are the songs copyrighted on YouTube? So I don't think so. I mean, I think all the rights have gone back to us at this point. It's been that long. Yeah, it'll probably set it off. But can you do it slightly out of tune? You want me to... You just want me to holler? Do you have an original? Yeah, just holler. Oh, wow. That's amazing. Ian, here's a big joke book. We love you, Ian. Tell you, Ian, sharp ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Jesus is for greater. Be doing for us, Ian. All right. There's only one way to end an episode like this. And what an episode it's been. We have the Great Landsarpe Strong, Matt McCusker, Tim Butterly. We've seen so much. I.S. or Winston Pickles, Dead Trick, Ron White, Paulie Shore. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all time appearances, all time interviews, a living member of the Killtony Hall of Fame, the greatest Killtony regular of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine, William Montgomery. Who is the luckiest man in America? Amy Schumer's husband, she's divorcing him. And then, this is the last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. The last one. I was driving through Oklahoma this weekend and noticed signs. They said, do not pick up pitch hikers. They may be escaped prisoners. What. So, they're just so many escape prisoners. An Oklahoma that motorists need to be warned. Usually, you'll steal on the escape prisoner warning signs and more on the jail cell bars. Maybe it's just me. Symphony is when he really sold out. His first EP though, shhh! I wrote a summary of Jesus' sermon on the mound, and I think I'm just gonna call them cliff notes. Okay, that's my time. Wow, he's done it again. Exactly one minute from the man that's done it more than anybody ever. William lights out. Mick Gumball's Montgomery. Wow. What a performance. So nice to see you. I'm feeling much better this week. I've been on the row machine and also Lance. I really, I grew up watching bicycle and with my father. And there's a funny story. My mother was in town maybe a year and a half ago, and we see you up in the thing and my mom was like, yeah, William and his dad used to bike a lot. William's dad was pretty fast, not as fast as you. And without missing a beat, you say, yeah, no shit. It was hilarious. It really was. I didn't say that. Oh, kidding. It really is an honor though, Lance. No, I remember that. Your mom was sweet. I followed you on Instagram. I was like, this is cool. This is cool. And I didn't say it. Right. I thought it, but I didn't say it. Yeah, fair enough. That's right. William was a big time bicyclist back in his day. Still here about to say bisexual. Well, still has the calf muscles. Your legs are absolutely ripped. You still got it. It's amazing that your legs don't match your head at all. I know. I just get dinner to lose all my hair, and I look sicker and sicker. I'm starting to look like a red band a little bit. I'm afraid it's a little bit. Lance, don't you think you're still a very fit guy? Don't you think red band needs to do some sort of exercise? I think his fucking fat ass needs to do some sort of exercise. Baby, for his New Year's resolution. You can start losing a little weight or something. Don't you think you even biking can help. I think someone like dacquiddo. Because red band, Lance, listen to this. Red band needs to fucking. We finally get to bike a couple of years ago. But it's kind of like with a motor on it. Ha. Ha. Ha. And it is true. You can't even make it up. And to this day, the pedals are just spotless. That thing. Straight motor. I got no pedals. Did you have a poster of Lance on your wall growing up? Yes, I had many pictures of bicyclists on my wall and you were up. OK, red band. Red band. Well, I did a red band at a bunch of Miss Piggy posters. On his ceiling, like a fucking weirdo. Let's check in with Tim Butterley. Red band, dear, tires still have this little tiny rubber box going off. No, he uses the motor. He uses the hell out of the motor. He's had to change the oil. And he's no oil. No, I know. It's electric. They're electric. And it's two motors to get my fat ass up the hill. But seriously, do you ever ride that thing? No, I do all the time. Really? In Flugorville? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I don't ride it much downtown because you can't really park it anyway, but yeah. Oh, that's why you don't ride your bicycle. Yes. The parking is the problem. I got $5,000 biking. Oh, yeah. Lance, maybe you could inspire Red Band by letting him ride on your pegs for a little while. LAUGHTER Hold on. Lance doesn't use pegs. Don't manass with the fuck. Oh, we're going to socialist. Tim, we're going to socialist these like, Lance's, dude. Seriously, he's not a BMX rider, dumbass. He's not using pegs, seriously. LAUGHTER William. I got your back, Lance. I mean, can you believe? Yeah. Here's your... Yeah. William is on it. No, fire. By the way, by the way, all the poster talk, all this shit, you didn't fall me back. Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Fuck. Fuck. Oh, and just tonight, Lance. Let me do it tonight right after this. Oh, you late. Block him, Lance. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Yeah. Let's get out of the mall. Get out of the way. Everything, I was nice, and... Nothing. Wow, why is that William? Why didn't you follow him back? I don't know, I'm weird about it on there. I tried to. There's no excuse at all. Oh, my gosh, Lance. Let me ask you this. Why don't you name my friend Lance his three biggest wins? LAUGHTER I mean, my personal favorite, what was it? 99 was your first door to France win. Was it in 99? That was my favorite, honestly. Yeah, everyone knows Corin. Against Motherfucking Yon, Ulrich. I remember that shit. Who a fucking pot, Donnie. LAUGHTER Yeah. I follow you, Lance, and I sent you a picture of a woman's butt a couple months ago. Yeah. You might know Red Band's won the Tour de Italy at the Olive Garden. Yeah. That's the record. I got a hack for you. Do you want to hear it? Save Tour of Italy, because I don't like the chicken parmesan. You just get a regular lasagna and a kid's alfredo. And as a second side, you're allowed to choose apples or spaghetti. You get this spaghetti, and it makes a better tour of Italy. Wow, look at the momentum of the show. Completely come to a halt, everybody. We were all laughing there for a while. And Red Band, be careful. I swear to God, I picture your fucking ass finally having your deadly heart attack, fucking your face hitting the children's spaghetti. It's the fucking. That's like so sad. I'm not going to say that. William lights out Montgomery. We love you. What an up to here to be here. Thank you. One more time for William, everybody. And we did it. Thanks, surprise, fix and shop a pie. Tim Butterley has the Algonauts, the fourth Tuesday of every month with Matt McCusker, who's got his special humble offerings on Netflix right now. How loud can this place get? He had no reason to join us other than being a cool guy. Mother fucking Lance Armstrong. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, that's a Matt McCusker. Look at that. That's amazing. How about one more time for the best standband to land the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Red Band. Check out sunsetstripatx.com, Secret Show every Thursday. We love you guys. I don't know if it's sold out yet or not, but Killtony, the actual show Killtony, is going to Houston and Dallas in February and March. Actual tapings of the real show. So check that out if it's still available. And we love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. She's wide awake and who is the whole? I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. I'm going to get a little bit of a ride. The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SongsetStripATX.com for tickets. Go to SongsetStripATX.com for tickets.