Nikki Glaser: Foreplay, Fetishes, & Face Lifts

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Nikki Glaser, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you so much, Alex. Girl, I don't even know where to start. You've had like a crazy couple of years. You have become a household name after I feel like the Tom Brady Rose. It felt like your life changed forever. Yeah, that was it. Then you have hosted the Golden Globes twice. You just signed up to do a third one. You have a new special coming out. You've been busy. So busy. Congratulations though. Thank you. But how are you feeling? When it's like you work for so long and then when finally people start asking you to do stuff, you can't say no because it's always ingrained in you early on. Don't turn down anything because that's how you get good. And so it's like, I just have to say yes to everything because you also are like, you look at other people's careers and they have this, people will have a pop. And even the most famous people in the world go through a dip and you just think, okay, that dip is just coming. So I just got to do as much as I can now while people like me. Isn't that such a weird fucking feeling? You're like, stay relevant at all costs. At all costs. But then you're like, am I a whore? Like, where do I throw it? You feel like it sometimes. And you also feel like, and then sometimes people go, because I always tell my team like, hey, let's just enjoy this because it's not always going to be this great. I hope you guys like stay with me through like the leaner years. And they're like, no, it's never gonna fade. And I'm like, name one person whose career hasn't taken a dip. Like I'm talking about any, there's even the biggest. Don't lie to my face. It has to be that way. There's going to be ebbs and flows. Does have to be that way, but you're not in a lean moment. I don't need to worry about it yet. I don't think, I think I got a couple years. You're thriving. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know this until I started researching you that you're from St. Louis. Yeah. And then you move to LA and then you move back to St. Louis. Oh yeah, like after, so I went away to college and like started doing comedy and realized, oh, that's what I want to do. And by the time my, you know, my senior year of college, I got on Last Comic Standing, which was like the American Idol for comedians. And I was like, you know, I just got to the semifinals, but I was like, this is enough to like move to Hollywood. So after college, I was, I did LA, then I went to New York, then I went back to LA, then I went back to St. Louis a little bit, then I went to New York, then I went back to LA. So I was always kind of jumping LA and New York. And then COVID hit and I was like, I'll just go back to St. Louis and like hang out with my family. And then I just stayed. How does your family feel about you being in St. Louis? They love it. They love it. They were so close and they, and I'm on the road all the time. So I'm constantly going out and flying here to shoot something and coming back. So it's like always fun to just get back with them on like a Monday or Tuesday and like kind of rehash what I just did. You're not really giving Missouri. Thanks. Like you're, is that, I don't know, is that a compliment? I don't know. I don't know. What most people think Missouri is like, thank you. But what I know it's like, like, fuck you. Like, okay. Yay. No, St. Louis is like, St. Louis is cool. What is the best and worst thing of like St. Louis? I would say the best thing is just the chill factor and like just feeling like, you know, it's just like where I grew up just being familiar with it and people are being, people are really nice in the Midwest. Like I get that a lot when people are like, you are so nice and then they find out St. Louis and they go, every one from St. Louis is so nice. And so I really like that St. Louis is known for like nice people. It's also interesting that you just said that you're like, everyone's like, oh my God, you're so nice because meeting you today, like you are, I can tell your vibe, but I've only ever watched you on your fucking specials and your roast. So I'm like, not that I think you're an asshole, but you're so known for like roasting people. It's so weird. That it didn't even like cross my mind to be like, oh my God, Nicky Glaser is like this like nice person and like, oh, you are. I really do, like it's weird to be like, I'm so nice, but I do pride myself on being a nice person. I think it's like something that I would want, if I pass someday, I want to be remembered as nice more than any other thing, more than popular, more than talented, more than funny, like just nice because I think, I don't know, I just really take pride in that for some reason and I do feel like I'm really nice. And it does like juxtapose so crazily with how I am on stage and especially roasting. Like I feel like the roasting stuff comes from like a place of like the way I feel about myself. Like I have low self-esteem and so like I am, I bully myself so hard that I am able to do it to other people because I'm able to do it to myself. So I think that's where I kind of, when I think about what I'm gonna write about people, I'm like, what would devastate me if I was this person? I was gonna say, I remember reading somewhere where you were like, I just think about like, if I'm in a room and someone's gonna roast me and I'm like, please don't say that one thing and then they say it, like that's where you're coming from which is great. You wanna find that one thing that like devastates them. But I think this is good, this is like good PR to let everyone know, like you're not an asshole, you're good at roasting, but you are a nice sweet Midwest lady. You being from the Midwest, also I can't help but think because I know your guy is from the Midwest, right? What is a Midwest man like? Love sports, wholesome. I mean, like, I think every guy, like just, I like a guy that, I don't know, like kind of a little bit like, collogy immature, preppy, like I don't know, you kind of are, I think you're attracted to whatever you were attracted to in high school. And for me, like the popular boys were like, played soccer, lacrosse, like preppy, like white hats. Like, you know, like, I don't know. I think it's just a good smile. I don't know. I love how you just said, you're like, like, you know, like the immature, like frat boy, I'm like, all of us are like, yes, but also like we've tried to move away from that. We're working on leveling up. Thank God I didn't marry the guy that I was attracted to in high school. Is he some version of it though? Like, can you see like- Yeah, but- Is he like an elevated version of that? A more evolved? Maybe I took it a little too far in high school. Okay, so you Odead on that kind of guy. But like basically. That's the best thing to do, like burn out and be like, I can't do it anymore. And be like, I'm done. Where it just like discuss you, the thing that you once were addicted to. Did you see this season of Love is Blind? Oh yeah, I did. In Ohio. Yeah, oh yeah. So like that to me is like a Midwest man. Yes, I think so too. And they, I think that they thought that Ohio was going to be like, this is gonna be so fun. And I remember Nicholas Shea in the reunion being like, I'm mortified that you guys are representing me as an Ohio boy, because I guess he's from Ohio. Yeah, yeah. And that Midwestern man like didn't come through as a gentleman. Yeah, but would you ever do Love is Blind if you were like a regular girl? I was thinking about that. No. Like- No, would you? Cause you were gonna- I think I would. You were, cause you said if they were, if I was single, you would- But I would be really, cause I am, this is the thing that I don't like about that show is that they go, you know, like this would have worked but I have a type and it's like, well, if you have a type, you don't go on Love is Blind. Love is not blind. But that's not for you then. If you were someone, and by the way, your type, clearly it hasn't worked for you. So maybe like go if you're type. Don't use your signal. The only people that work is yes, if there was love, but then they actually like, oh, and I am attracted to the person. They're like, fuck yes, I got lucky. The people that work and so it's not blind. It's not blind. We've determined that and it's- But it's still fun. But it's still fun. And I do like, you would, you can just hear someone's hot. Like I feel like most of the time it's really rare where someone's like really taken a back by what they get. I feel like there'd be clues for like just a voice. I think that's important. That's why I think like, I guess hinge has like, where you can leave a voice message. So you can hear their voice because voice is huge. People don't think about voice. That's a good point. No one's ever been so taken aback. Yeah, that would be my biggest fear is like the wall parts. And he's like, and then you just see their face kind of sink and they're kind of like gently touching you. But you got a good voice so you'd get far. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, we both started our careers kind of talking about the same topic, which was sex. And we talked a lot about sex. Was that extremely intentional for you in the beginning? You don't know. I think it was like, what was easiest for me? It was like the thing I felt like I wanted to talk about. Is that for the same for you? It was at the forefront of my brain. It's what I was interested in every day. And people would always, you know, people often dismiss female comics because all they do is talk about their vaginas and sex. And it's so easy. And I go, it's easy for me to talk about that because, but why would you want me to do something that's not easy? Do you want to see Paul McCartney play pickleball or something that's hard for him? Don't you want to see him do what's easy for a musician to play? Why do you want me to talk about something that's do clean material, which would be hard for me to do. I don't know why just at that time in my life. And I always said, as soon as I'm not interested in sex, I'll stop talking about it. And I kind of have, as I've gotten older and my libido is like kind of taken a dive, I do talk about it less. Like it's become less and less a part of my act. And so I stayed true to that, but I just want to talk about what I'm interested in. And no one talked about sex when I was coming up. No one talked honestly about sex. So to, like it was, I grew up before podcasting. I would have been all over podcast listening to girls talk, like conversations, have conversations, frank conversations about what it's like to have sex. And so when I first started doing comedy, I was just like, I want to talk about this thing that I've been so scared of. I didn't have sex cells 21 cause I was scared. I didn't know what I was going to be bad at it. I was scared it was going to be bad about it. I was scared like, what do you do with a penis? What do they look like? Like how do you even start kissing a boy? Like my friends would just hook up and they'd be like, and we made out and we, you know, he went down on me. And I'm like, but how do you even like, he walks in your room, then how do you make out? Like who makes the first move? Does he put your hand on your shoulder? I wanted like the mechanics of it to be prepared. And nothing prepared me for that. So when I was able to start talking freely about anything in the microphone, I was like, I'm going to start telling girls like me who are scared, what's up in there? I think that is so fucking normal. And then some people are so like disturbed by the concept of you being so comfortable. Yes. Speaking about sex, which half the time for me also, it made me more comfortable with sex the more I spoke about it. Some of the times I was even overly talking about it. And I wasn't actually as confident as I was presenting. Oh no, meaning it. It made me more confident. Yes. It made me feel like when I was having sex, it was almost like I was collecting data to not like make fun of the person, but to just maybe make fun of myself. Like I felt like, I mean, I still like, sometimes during sex, I'm like, this is so weird what we're doing. It's so funny to me that we, like just so you know, the idea of going on a date with someone and you're just getting coffee and learning about each other, but it's really to determine if you're going to like slick each other's genitals pretty soon. Which is so crazy. That's where you pee from. There's like pee and poo down there. And we're going to like put our mouths on it. Like that was what like in high school, I remember my friends started like blowing guys and I was like, you did what? Like putting your mouth where a guy pees from, I couldn't even comprehend it. No, it's crazy. I cried. I thought my friends had like gone to the dark side. I didn't understand how you could do that. And it still fascinates me to this day that we get so animalistic, we get so horny that it makes us dumb enough to be like, I want to put my mouth down there. Yet I wouldn't share a soda with a friend because they might have a cold, but I'm going to lick this guy's asshole. That's great. That's funny. The licking of the asshole, you're so right. It really takes it to another level. We were like, what's wrong with us? But everyone's doing it. Well, maybe not the licking of the assholes, but you don't even. Yeah, but like you, but that's what I learned. I used to have a bit about it that like I used to, the way I was able to initially have sex was I drank. Like I finally got drunk enough where I could get comfortable and feel at ease to like hook up with the guy cause it was so scary to me. And then I quit drinking when I was 27 or something. I, it's been a while, but 2011 I quit drinking. And I just stopped hooking up cause I was like, I just couldn't do it. I was too nervous. Like, and then I realized that I have to get horny enough to get drunk brain. Because when you're horny enough, you're just like, like if you've ever, guys get horny so fast, they act like cavemen when they're, they'll go from like having a normal conversation and then they're like, so quick. And they're so gross. And they're, but they, in their right mind, they would never make that face if you were like, make a funny face. They would never even make that face cause it's so humiliating. Yet they become that because their brain becomes stupid because their horny chemicals do exactly what drunk does to you. So you have to then to actually, for me to hook up, I would have to actually get horny, which was a foreign concept to me cause I had never allowed myself to do it without alcohol getting in the way first. Well, and because half of the time when you're so young and if you are hooking up with boys, it's happening so quickly for them. And as a young girl, you're like, oh, I guess I'm supposed to be enjoying this. Meanwhile, like nothing is happening downstairs. Shout out to all the girls out there that are hooking up for the first time. I'm talking like girls in their 30s sometimes who have not had an orgasm. I have a friend that was like, I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. And I was like, then you haven't because you would know. You would know. You would know. I used to be that way too of like, I mean, it feels okay. It feels good. Cause he's not going to give it to you. You can't rely on him giving you your first one. Okay, you got to find it yourself. You have to find it yourself. Cause they don't care. They're going to be done before you even we're starting to get in the mood. It's crazy how fast they get into it versus us. Like it is truly insane. Like I, and it, there, I have done so many standup bits about foreplay and how important it is. And almost like how hacky that is to even say like, lady, I always felt like an 80s comedian like, we need foreplay, man, don't do fore, cause I would even hear about foreplay and women complaining about it before I ever had sex. And I was like, guys hate when you joke about that. Like guys always go like, oh, foreplay. I have to wine and diner. And so I was always like, I'm not going to be a woman that complains about that. But then you start having sex and you're like, how are you guys not just like rubbing over my jeans a little bit longer before you go in for it? Foreplay to them is a blow job. And you're like, but I'm still, my pants aren't unbuttoned, Jeremy, like where am I in this equation? It's, it's like, please any men who are listening, just like bring back dry humping, make her beg you to put it in. That's when you put it in. Cause she will when she's ready, but it's so awkward when they try before and you are not greased up and you feel like insecure, like there's something wrong with me. I'm menopausal or something. I had a boyfriend once who like really couldn't do foreplay that he then like sometimes would take a shower after sex. And then I would like bring out my vibrator after and like do it to, and he's like fully gone thinking of the time of our life. And I'm like, all right, here we go. Because right as he was finishing, that's when I just started getting into it. It's literally, it happens. I'm not kidding you like almost every time. Like it is really rare we sync up. And I have a, you know, a partner that I am able to communicate with and has seen my act a thousand times telling like, I need more. And like, I just, it's, but then you just, I think we're so conditioned and I still am is to like, a man has a boner, like do something with it. Like don't inconvenience him when he has a boner. Like he doesn't want to like kiss your neck and like whisper sweet nothings when he has a boner. Like this is a, this is a problem we have to take care of right now. And I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. It's always so much about like, I don't want to make men feel bad or angry at me or resentful of me. And I can see so many women listening to this. And it is so annoying that no one talks about that. We're like, I bet a majority of the women who are watching today, if they are in heterosexual relationships, they're like, yeah, I would say like the past like eight times I faked it, unless you're with a partner who's like, I'm going to go down on you for 20 minutes. Then we're going to get your vibrator out. Then we're going to get in it like, bring toys into the bedroom, please God. Like it's men, I always say like, don't be threatened by it because it's like your dick alone is great, but your dick, like is it, let's say your dick's an B plus, like in terms of just sex with just us. Like, and if my vibrator alone is probably an A, but together A plus, I can't get to the A plus with a loan. I need your dick too. So you're contributing to the A plus still. You're part of it. You need to be there to make it an A plus. You don't think it's just about the toys. But so does my vibrator. But together we can change the world. Like together, like toys need to be necessary. When we're having sex without toys, I don't understand it. And maybe it's, I'm dependent on it. And like, I can't, if I didn't have a toy, I wouldn't be able to masturbate. I couldn't just do my hands. Oh no, no, no, no. I don't know how I'm gonna do that. I've had like some like dark days where like it dies and you're like, we gotta get through this. Looking at your toothbrush and like, is that, can I use my pulsar or will be like, it has a vibrate on it. I've done it. But I've been happy. Like I've tried with the fingers like a couple of times cause it got so dark. I know. And I can you not. I've done it a couple of times where it was like, I really had to take my brain to an imaginative place. And I did it. But I don't choose that life. And I don't claim that life. I couldn't do that. When girls are, I'm really like, it's like speaking another language to me. When I find out like, you've ever found a friend like speaks fluent Spanish or Russian or something. And you're like, what? Like you're like, why haven't you been busting this out everywhere? Like that's how I feel about women who can masturbate with our hands. But I feel like those are the girls that are fully having like squirting in orgasms in high school. And girls who were like, my friends were all masturbating in middle school. None of them told me about it. And I felt so betrayed by like, you know, in my twenties I finally was like, I started masturbating and they're like, oh yeah, I've been doing this since I was 11. I go, 11, why didn't you, we talked about everything. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't even, it didn't even occur to me. We, I was the same as you. No one told me. No one told me. And then in college I was telling my friends to like, and I was like, oh, wait, but I went to Catholic school. Yeah. I was like, hush, hush about that shit. Yeah. But did you not masturbate because of shame? Or were you just like- A little bit of both. I didn't know. I didn't know either. I thought it was just sex. I didn't know there was masturbating. And then when I started to like really understand, then I was like, oh, there's a thing called masturbating, but I thought it was only for men. Yes. So I didn't know there was like an option for women. Totally. I didn't either. And like, even if I would like it, sometimes I would like scratch my vagina. I'd be like, that feels good, but it was never good enough for me to like keep going and figure that out. I just feel like I was kind of desensitized to my body. Although one time I do remember like sitting on a railing. I still like drive past the railing sometimes in St. Louis. So my friend's front porch and I had like, like one of those like things that on top of the railing, that's like a little bulb. And I remember like sitting on it and it like went up my butt a little bit. And I was like, that feels so, like I remember feeling that like, that feels good in a bad way. Like you're a sick person. Like a butt plug. Like it was like a butt plug on the, like we were waiting for our mom to pick us up. And I was like, I just remember that was the only memory I have of having a sexual feeling that was like, that's naughty. Like I just got a feeling from something in my butt. Fiction you every time. Cut to me, like love anal sex. I do. I was going to say, I feel like that was like a little precursor to like what was to come for you. It was foreshadowing, for sure. I'm also dying at you and your friends and their mom wondering why every time does she come to our fucking house. She's like sitting her fucking ass on top of our fucking. I'm just like alone out there. She's not even home. I love how also I brought this up more to say, like we both don't talk about sex as much anymore. And then we were like, let's just fucking go. Let's just go. Because I don't really talk about it as, I don't know. It's just, I've gotten it shamed out of me being in the business and being the more popular you get, the more you have to kind of like tone it down and be more like TV friendly. Even when you're doing things that aren't censored. I know. To like be like, if I want, if Golden Globe is going to have me back, I can't be talking about anal all the time. But it's like, I'm not saying kids go out and do anal. You know, like it's just something that I think. It is. And I do think we're both lucky though, that we did it in the beginning of our career. We're like, I do feel like I'm tapped out. Like I do too. I'm like, I'm having fun with you right now because I can tell we're both on the same page. We're like reminiscing about our old days of like, I'm bringing up bits I used to do like 20 years ago. It's fun, but it's like, it's not at the forefront of my brain or my brand anymore. But I did. OK, I did get some quotes from both of us from our OG days. And I want you to tell me if it's a quote from me in the early days of Caller Daddy, or do you think you said it in an OG like stand up routine? OK, OK, OK. OK. Oh my god, because I do forget so much of what I said. Trust me, me too. I had my team pull this and some of these I was in shock that I said this. OK, number one, I just want to be a whore. I think that's me. That's so you. I feel like it was just like sometimes I don't. Yeah, I do relate to that. Like I just I like to I don't want someone to look at me like a whore when I'm like walking down the street. Like when I'm in the bedroom, I want a guy to be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like I really like to let my whore flag freak flag fly in the bedroom. The way you were just so proud. You're like, that's me. You were like, that's me. So proud. I'm like, don't even think that's you for us. I'm sure we could find somewhere that you've said that without a doubt. No, no, no, but that was so you. OK, that was you. OK, I'm feeling light, tight, easy, breezy, beautiful vagina. OK, at first I was thinking that was you. And then I was like, I feel like I often put in the like the cover girl tagline to things. So I'm going to say it's me. We are the same person. It's me. What? Dude, it's me. That's crazy. No, no, no, no, easy, breezy, beautiful. I do the same thing. It's me. Oh my god. Dude, see? I would have bet so much that was me. It's pretty good. Do you remember what you were referencing? I just remember. I do remember saying that one on Caller Daddy. I have no idea why I was saying it. Yeah, context, yeah. But it's like, it's such a girl thing to say. Easy, breezy. Read it again. I'm feeling light, tight, easy, breezy, beautiful vagina. Yeah, OK, so you're just having a good vagina day. I was feeling so good. And some days they're not. Like there's. Oh, well, next one. Ready? The cobwebs have formed and my pussy feels like it's sewn shut. The next time I have sex, I'll be a born again virgin. You. What the fuck was I on? When my team pulled this quote, I was like, the cobwebs have formed. It feels like it's sewn shut. And next time I felt, no. It got too tight. You were tight, but tight and light. Easy, breezy. And then it got so tight, it got sewn shut. And cobwebs had formed. When I'm rereading these things, I'm like, no, that's. These are fucking funny. This next one sounds like it would be you, but it is me. But now after that context, I said, put it in the ass. So I know what we're working with. Wait, you said that? I said that. But it feels like you would say that now. No, you like ass. It does sound like I would. I think I already know what I'm working with by the time I say that. But I put it in the ass. You must have been referencing someone else or something. Without a doubt. I think I also just did it to rage bait people. I didn't like anal. And I would always just be like, put it in my fucking ass. I thought people thought it was just funny. And I'm like, oh my gosh. And people would get so mad about that shit. People get so mad about stuff. It's like, you don't have to do it. And also, it's like, I just, yeah. I mean, I could go on and on about that. Hey, this one's you. Oh, wait a minute. I'm not supposed to tell you that. OK, well, I'll read it to you. I swear to you, you can squirt. I didn't think I could. And now I know I can do anything. Yeah, that was me. And I haven't since that joke, I don't think. Because it's not like I could control it. It just has happened a couple times. And you were like. By my own hand, I will say, it was always my own creation. I don't want to give anyone else credit for that. That is so important to clarify. It's happened where you're just like, has that ever happened to you? No. Sorry to pry. But I don't know if we're there yet. This is a safe space? No. I think it happened one time that I can remember, maybe another time. But it was it was insane. Like you literally feel like you spilled a glass of water. I thought that one that I just peed myself. Yeah, because you're like, oh, it might have been. And sometimes men are so stupid, like you could pee a little. And they think it was. Yeah, yeah, that's that's smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can fuck with the hat. My water broke. Yeah. They'd also believe that. They're so fucking stupid. OK, I have a vagina that resembles a hastily packed suitcase. That's me. What? I mean, that was just a joke about like how I have like lips and like sometimes when you like shut a suitcase when you're in a rush, there's like stuff hanging out of it. And so that was just good. That's that's a descriptive way of describing. That's a way to describe my vagina that has haunted me forever. Like people always like hastily packed suitcase. So it's like. So but it's, you know, it's it's it has good days and bad. That was stuck with you. Yeah, it's definitely I shouldn't have shared that like people. But I keep I keep doing it. And for some reason, I feel like it gives it makes, you know, you make fun of the things that you're insecure about so that you can take control of them. So if you make fun of it about me, I gave you that so you don't really get to like win like you never come out of my vagina. So like shut the fuck up. Yes, exactly, exactly. And anyone that has no complaints, like I it's well reviewed. So now that we're done with sex, like do you have any topics that you're really thinking of like exploring in the future for your career? Because we got a long way to go. You know, like it's the stuff that I've been into, you know, I'm obsessed with like beauty and aging and what it means to be a woman and like how we are. How just the struggle of like wanting to, you know, be your own person and like establish who you are on the inside and like that should matter. But also being like, well, a big part of any kind of brand when you're in show business as a woman is like how you look and presenting fuckable and trying to get to both women and men, you know, like women like it when you look fuckable to men too. And then men will say, well, we don't like big lips and we don't like a lot of makeup. And it's like, well, the women and the gays do and they are determining what is marketable. And so we're like, it's I'm very fascinated by, you know, psychology and sociology and and but also just beauty in general. I think it's fascinating. Well, it's fascinating because yeah, you kind of can't win as a woman. And there is obviously such a double standard that's like it's tired of talking about at this point, but it's like for women and our bodies and our looks, it's just such a fixation that you constantly are trying to pivot because you don't know where to meet. And when you are in this industry, you do have to kind of appease the people to some degree or you just have to lean out and be like, I'm just going to be completely fucking railroaded by everyone and told I'm like an ugly fuck. If you don't give if you don't try and then they're like, she doesn't care about herself. So you're like, where do I or if you're trying too hard or if you're getting too much done. Yep. You like and then there's, you know, people will always point to like, well, Pam Anderson doesn't wear makeup anymore and everyone loves it. It's like, well, we love that as a reaction to what she used to be. Like if she came out of the gates like that, we wouldn't know who she is. No offense. She's we should. She's an amazing talent. But that is we love that because it was a reaction to that. And then people will always cite some woman who doesn't wear makeup and say, you know, I had a joke about, you know, people would say, well, you're a comedian, like you don't need to be hot. Like you why do you care about looking hot? And I'm like, well, I'm a I'm a brand too. And also I like being on TV and I know what I'm smart and I know what works on TV. And people would say, but you're like Joan Rivers, like you don't need to be pretty. And I'm like, Joan would be so fucking offended by that, by the way. Joan was so smart. One of the best joke writers of all time, best comedians of all time. And she was obsessed with her looks, obsessed because she knew that's what mattered. And she felt ugly coming up and she would make fun of her looks. And people think she's ugly because she would call herself ugly and they and they felt like they could. And my joke was like, I do want to be Joan Rivers because I plan on dying on an operating table too, which she did. She died undergoing a procedure, a medical procedure and to stay to look younger. It was on her, you know, vocal cords, but it was like about appearing younger. And it is important, unfortunately. I want to read a quote to you because another female comedian, Allie Wong, said about you, she said, for the longest time, we were led to believe that physically showing any sort of sexiness was going to work against you and stand up. She's pulling off what some of us might have thought was impossible. And she's talking about you. I love that. Do you agree with that? That is so nice. I would say I'm not trying to be like a trailblazer of like women can be sexy and funny. I just, I like, I like pretty girls on TV. I always wanted to be one of them and I wasn't in high school. Like I always like aspired to that. And so it's just when I have the ability to dress up in higher stylists who can elevate me and glam teams to like make me the best looking version of myself. Why wouldn't I utilize that? Like it's kind of fun. But I will say that I, you know, the first comedian that I saw that I was like, I want to be like her was Sarah Silverman. And what I loved about Sarah Silverman was that she was stunning. She was so pretty. And like every guy I knew was like, I fucking love her and like wanted to bang her. She was adorable. She was so approachable to women too. She was so pretty, so stunning, so cool and nice seeming. But she also said horrible things and like really dirty, crass, like things. But she also had this like ability. And I was like, I'm really attracted to that where it's like you can, you can look a certain way. But the stuff that comes out of your mouth is almost you get away with more because of how you present. Not that it was ever intentional, but I always, you know, I have to admit, like it was important. I never felt pretty when I was young. And it was always something that bothered me that I felt it was unfair and unjust that my sister was the pretty one and I wasn't. And I really resented it and I have a complex about it. And so it's something that when I have the means to do so, I pursue. I'm not doing everything I can. I'll tell you that like there's a lot of stuff I'm not doing. OK, hold on. Because you, yes, you have been so open about what you like some of the things that you've gotten done. What is on your wish list? I mean, a facelift for sure is going to happen in the next, you know, two to five years, like without question. Because I mean, I went the other day, I got a little filler in my upper lip and I haven't done filler for a while. I do Botox filler and stuff, you know, every year, six months, you know, Botox more regular. But and he was just like, can I just show you some like stuff that I would maybe like, I didn't even ask I've gone in for the facelift consult before to multiple doctors and see what they could do. But he was showing me some stuff and I was like, that's pretty great. Like it's it's it just takes 10 years off your face. It's not that noticeable. The problem is, is the recovery. Like I just I don't I think it's does not talk about enough women are just like, yeah, she got a facelift. And I'm always like, she went away. She had to be off camera for months and months and had to stay inside and had drains in her face. And it's painful. Like it's that's the part that I'm like, yikes, like I know you're so right. Everyone's talking about facelifts nowadays because it's like, get rid of the filler, get rid of the Botox, just get the facelift. And I'm like, they don't talk about the recovery at all. Like even people have done it. I'm always like, tell me about the recovery. And they kind of it's almost like childbirth. They kind of forget the pain of it and they go just do it. And you but I recently someone really close to me just went through one and it is brutal, brutal. And is and you know, I was hanging out with someone who had a facelift two years ago. And she's like, oh, my face is still numb all over here. I can't feel anything. I mean, she looks stunning. But it's like there's it's super risky to I'm I always look at people who have face work. I'm never like, oh, they like, I've never been one to judge any woman that's done face work. If anything, I'm like, she's so brave. Right. Your face cut open and it might not. Look good. What if it doesn't look good? But even you hearing all these things, do you think you're going to do it? Yeah, because I'm going to pick someone that is like never failed and has done all the women that you just you, you're talking about. I think. Yeah. I mean, there's a couple of them, but I know what who were both. Yeah. Yeah. And you pick the guy who it's this new thing that has happened with face work in the past, I would say two years, two or three years where it's just an actress that has been around for like 15, 20 years. And she's always been pretty, but some something happened in red carpet and you go, huh, I never really she was a supermodel. People like don't even think because it looks so it's so natural, stunning and natural. People just go, I guess I've just been missing the boat on this one. And then they go, you know, I got to take whatever probiotics she's taking. That's a facelift, babe. It's always a facelift. And that's why it's so funny to me when people go, don't get face work. It's going to look horrible. I'm like, but you that's a bias that you have because you're only noticing the bad stuff because you don't know the good stuff. You just think she's drinking more water. It's so because she told you because they have to lie because if they tell you the truth, they'll get shamed for it completely. You know, it having a face that is manicured in that way is just a status symbol of I'm wealthy. So it's not a way to show people you're beautiful or fuckable. It's to show people I have money, even a fucked up face. I have it's a way to it's like a car. I have money. It's the new status symbol to not have a normal face is to tell people I have money, which is very important in our society now to just promote how wealthy you are. And that's the new way to do it. That is a really good point. Do you think there is a thing as Botox blindness? Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that because for Botox, I feel like, well, I guess I've seen it if people like pull it up too high, but I think those are like brow lifts. Yeah, I feel like Botox, I don't think like if you can't move your forehead, like who cares? It I don't think it matters. I feel like when girls, there's so many girls, friends of mine from, you know, like high school and college who are just they won't do anything because they're so scared. I'm like, it's like girls back in the 40s and 50s, people, women were so embarrassed to find out to like reveal that they dyed their hair. And Botox is the new that it's like, it's not shameful anymore. We're all doing it and it makes you look better and it is expensive. But it's it's you would never imagine like having to hide that you got highlights. But that used to be a thing that women were ashamed of. They like did a box dye on their hair. And now it's like, who gives a fuck? Like, I remember I remember girls will post online and be like, oh, my God, like I told my boyfriend I was getting Botox and he started freaking out. And then I came home and he's like, when are you going to do it? And he's she's like, why did it? Like, I thought if a guy freaks out, they're just scared, you're going to leave. There's fucking loose. You're that you're going to leave them because you're going to be too hot. That is like such a red flag. If the guy's like, no, you're beautiful the way you are. I get that. And I do believe that some guys are like, I don't change your face. I love the way your face is. But there's a secret part of me that thinks when guys are like, don't get anything done is like, don't upgrade because I can only have you if you look this way and you would leave me if you could upgrade because I'm not good enough. It's so fucking true. And that's what's going on most of the time. Like, I always just see like, this is a separate issue. But like, you know, like I've been in relationships like this before where you get really dressed up and the guy like won't say anything. And you know, he notices like you look stunning and you've just worked on it. It is because they and I know so many girls listening right now have been through this where you're like, you put in so much effort and they you see them see it and they don't say anything. They are not saying anything because they're insecure that if they build you up too much, you'll leave them and you'll have too much self-esteem and you'll do better than them. It is always that it's not that they don't think you look hot at all. Or they might be like, what's that red lip? It's because they're literally threatened. I promise you the red lip never like they think something on you is what's such a good place. Orange. No. And this goes for girls too. If anyone is ever insulting any beauty thing you get, they are threatened by it. And you have to remember they're jealous. Otherwise they wouldn't say anything if they really didn't like it. What do you do when you don't like something that your friend is wearing? You don't call it out. No, you don't say anything. You talk about it. Maybe your friend behind her back. But it don't say it to her face. The only reason anyone ever insults you is because they like what you did and they're threatened. It's such a good fucking point. And you need to remember it because girls are always like, she said the meanest thing to me. And I'm like, it's not because your hair's busted. It's not because you look bad. It's because she's jealous. Dude, a boyfriend like that can take you down. Down. Because you like you're looking to him for all your confidence because he has created a world in which no other men can compliment you. So he's your only source of getting any kind of positivity about your sexuality. Because if you posted a bikini pic on Instagram and guys commented, he would call you whore or be jealous of that. So you can't search for it anywhere else. No, you're completely beholden to him. You're only person that's giving it to you isn't and you feel like I must be disgusting. And so then you're trapped in that. Let's talk about your boyfriend. Chris. Yes. You guys have been together for over a decade on and off though. On and off. Yeah. Why have you guys been so on and off? Because I think if any couples being really honest, they would be on and off too. If you could really take a break from your husband, not you, but like in a general you, you maybe would and we just do. Or at least I will call for one when I see it's necessary to like. How do you call for one? I just say like, I don't want to, you know, do this right now anymore. Like I'm not having fun in our relationship. You know, like when you're going through a phase of like, I don't really want to be around this person. He will feel that way too. Like it's, you know, I think. And also like I, I didn't, he's like been my first boyfriend like ever. Like I had some like stuff. We met when I was 29 and I'm 41 now. So he's been the only consistent thing. And I had some flings when we would be like, you know, in our off years, but he's my only like boyfriend. So there's sometimes that urge of like, what if I haven't experienced the best that I could have and like this is hard right now. So I just don't want to do it. And we just put this on hold and like, and if we're meant to be, we'll come it together because we always do when we haven't found, found anyone else or like there isn't something better. Like I don't know. I just feel like I would like to be in a relationship that I could call off whenever I want and take a break and not have to like keep in touch all the time and talk. But do you, when you take a break and you're like, okay, let me go see if I like like anyone else, have you ever been like gone on dates and been like, it makes me miss him more because this person is such a fucking loser in front of me. Yeah. And I have a joke that was like, you know, we break up and then I date other guys and then I look back at him and I'm like, oh my God, he's the best I can do. And that's kind of what you realize sometimes is like, I thought I could do better in whatever way, like not looks wise or whatever, but just like, he's not doing this for me. So I'm going to find a guy that does this and then you realize, oh no, he's lacking all these things that he had. So yeah, that has happened. I am definitely we've, because we've been like broken up before, not just like a break and I've like had other things. But yeah, it's like, we got back together after being broken up for like four years because I moved back to St. Louis during COVID. He's also from St. Louis and we were both back there and we're like, let's just hang out and then that just turned into, you know, it worked out. How does he deal with, because even though he's a producer, like you make some crazy jokes that are great jokes. Has there ever been one that pushed him over the edge where afterwards you guys get home and you're like, okay, this is for sure. I think there's been, you know, I think there's been times for everyone in my life that's been close to me where they've gotten stung a little bit by something I've said that just was a little too honest and like, you know, I was watching hacks last night and, you know, Jean Smart's character was like, it says something that hurt her daughter's feelings. She was like, I don't know why it's so much easier for me to say this stuff to strangers than to the person that it's for. But sometimes I like would air out an anger thing that I was resenting and I put it in a joke, not even thinking, I hope he hears this and he gets it, but it would just like, I would realize after the fact he would be like, that one joke like kind of seemed unnecessary and I'd be like, oh yeah, I think subconsciously I was trying to hurt your feelings. Like I would never do it consciously, but there's been stuff like that. But he actually kind of, you know, as always said, which is something I'd really admire about him is that if it's funny, you can do it. Like as long as it gets a laugh, if it doesn't, you're just like being a dick. Yeah. How did he feel when you said that you would shoot him in the face for a chance to blow Tom Brady? He was there when that joke was written and I turned to him and I was like, is that OK? And he was like, yeah, it's great. And I was like, are you sure? And I was like, but I'm going to like reference you and look at you and like do like a thing like, you're my boyfriend, I love you. And then I'm going to shoot you in the face. And he was like, it's if he was like, let's try it out tonight. Like, you know, I was trying. He was like, and if it works, of course, like he didn't care at all because he knows. He's like, it's genius. And it's such a clear joke, too. I think that's the other thing when something that's the good thing about comedy is that even stuff that's real that might be insulting to him. As long as it's getting a laugh, it's OK by his definition. But even if it's like his parents, Seared or his friends see it, there's always the guys of like, she's just joking. Yeah, that thing that might be real when I'm talking about that's just a joke. Yeah. Oh, that's a nice cover. It's always a cover. And that's good. And that that is nice. And because sometimes it is a joke. Sometimes it's an, you know, a hyperbole. I'm exaggerating. But a lot of times I will say people think things are jokes. And I'm like, that's absolutely true. Like that was 100 percent. Or someone thinks it's real. And I'm like, that was so made up. Like, obviously, you've got it made. Yeah, like, yeah, there's there's but that's that protects me for sure. Do you have a celebrity hall pass? You know, I think like, you know, I think there's problems. I'm like, you know, I say who it is because it would just like, I think that would actually be mean that it was eliminated because he would be like, well, that's you trying to make it happen has to happen naturally or something like that. Do you think you could hook up with this person? I think that I think he's a really good guy. And he was he was always said, like, you know, especially after the time Brady rose and after my star kind of rose to these like new levels of like being around A-Lister, she's like, if there is someone that you your whole life have like longed for and they want to fuck you like you should like that's too good. Like and not that he wants that and he would get turned on by it at all. Like there's none of this like cuckold stuff. He's just like wants me to have the experiences that and that is like that's like asking someone to not collect their lottery winnings. Like it's so rare to get to where I am in life where that would ever happen. And it hasn't happened. And I wouldn't even want it to because like the circumstances in which it would have to happen. I'm like, well, could I DM them? He's like, no, you can't pursue. It has to be like natural. I'm like, well, that's never going to happen for me. So have you ever met your hall pass? I'm trying to think of the one. Yes, I have. And he is like married with kids, but he's like my hall pass from like my crush in like high school. OK, OK, OK. So there's one on my mind, but there's like probably another one that I would be like, oh, yeah, but he would never be into me because of like age stuff. Younger or older? I don't know. But I but I like in a relationship, I don't really care if my boyfriend were to hook up. OK, I read about that. Yeah, we need to talk about that. But that is not a two way street. Like I'm not someone who likes to hook up when I'm in a relationship. I'm not really like I don't really care about that. I, you know, but I don't care if someone else were to. Hold on. In fact, I like kind of like it. It's kind of it's a problem, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we need to talk about this. You told Howard Stern that commitment felt like admitting defeat or settling. Do you still feel that way? No, I don't feel that way anymore. I feel. No, I mean, there innately it is settling. You do not know that the person you are with is the best person for you. You haven't. There's too many people on this planet. You haven't met any of them. You never will. So you have to settle. OK, there could be someone better for you. And statistically, there probably is. There's, you know, like there is the odds that you met the person out of eight billion people on the planet that's best for you are kind of low. But I I do think that whoever you end up with, luckily, people end up in like the top 10 percent of people who are most compatible for them in the planet. And that's like a win. But there's other people that would be good for you. And I don't believe in soulmates. And I do believe you have to go like, you know what? This is the best I can do right now. And I'm going to just cash in my chips because I probably could do better. But who knows? How does Chris feel about that? He totally understands it. There's someone better for him, too. Do you think you're the love of his life? No, no, I mean, I'm a love of his life, but I would not even. I just think that he has many loves of his life, probably, and that there's probably a woman that is so much more compatible for him than me. Like would be so much better, like truly. And that doesn't hurt your feeling. No, I don't care at all because like he's not going to meet her. Like what are the odds? And if he does, I would be like, be with her. Go to her because I want you to have the best life ever. And I don't want to stop you from fine. And then I'll probably just have to go to find someone that's better for me. But like it would suck for me to see him have a connection with someone that I'm like, God, she would go hiking with him and she would go to Machu Picchu and all the shit I don't want to do. And like she's funny and cool and like they're the same height. Like that would be good. Like and she like if I saw things that was a better compatibility, I wouldn't have a problem letting her. I mean, it would be hurt, but it wouldn't be the end of my life. Do you think, though, that this is you being a very, very evolved, mature human being or does this fall in the category of like kind of like dark comedian shit? Or you're like a little fucked up. And I want to be clear. It is not pick me because this comes off pick me of like, I don't care if my boyfriend fucks another girl. I'm cool with it. Cheat on me. Like I'm I know how lame it comes across. I sometimes don't like to tell guys about this thing that I have where I'm like, you know, this is separate than the soulmate thing. Like I don't care if a guy has a sexual connection with a girl and like he was to use protection and just have sex with her for a night. Like I don't I literally wouldn't care if my husband did that. I don't I don't know why I don't know why. If he were to like watch the wire with her or like do crossword puzzles or like text up like send memes and stuff, I would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Like that's our thing. Like emotional cheating would hurt me. But like physical, I'm just like I kind of I just feel like I understand how sex is for men most of the time outside of relationship. It's just kind of transactional and it's just like they just want to nut. And it's not about like I want to spend my life with this woman. So it wouldn't feel I just I don't know. I just wouldn't care as much. So our barometer is no emotional cheating. Yeah, totally physically cheating is good. But I understand emotional cheating. Like if something were to happen where I would want them to tell me about it, I would be obviously hurt. But I would understand being drawn to someone else that you have a good connection with because it's like it's hard to when you just find someone and it's monogamy, you brain doesn't turn off. He's still going to be attracted to other women. They're he's still going to like be interested in other girls and have good conversations and stuff so I could see something developing and I would be heartbroken that it happened, especially if it went on without me knowing about it. But I would I would I would always ask anyone I was with to be like, if you develop those for the while, tell me and we'll deal with it. Like I just don't want to be blindsided. But if you want to have sex with someone else, also tell me about it because I want to like see what she looks like and like ask you about it. OK, wait, hold on. So do you identify as like Polly or like open relationship early? Like another girlfriend. I don't want and I don't want to like be in bed with you guys together. OK, not even in the room. No, I don't want to like be and I don't want to be in the chair in the corner like cockled and like, you know, like watching my boyfriend. I just want to hear about it later. OK, you call this the hot husband fetish. Which is essentially when you want your partner to have sexual experiences with other people outside of the relationship. Yeah. So when did this start for you, Niki? Let's go back started with my my boyfriend when I was 29 because I really hadn't had a boyfriend before then he would tell me about. Like I would always ask him about like past hookups and girlfriends and how they got together. Like I was like the beginning, like how did you guys first know you liked each other? Like I love that, like our legs were touching on our table and neither of us moved our leg or something like that. I'd be like, so like, I don't know, it would make me like horny to like think about him doing that with other girls. And then I would so I'd ask about all of his like girlfriends or anyone he had hooked up with like all the details about it. And I would really be like a foreplay for me. Like I would get like revved up talking about it. And then at least a point where he was out of stories, like he had gone through all of them. And I was like and that it's almost like he was telling the same ones. And I was like, I know this one. So it wasn't as exciting anymore because I was getting the same stuff. So I was like, I know this is I like I had never heard of anything like this. I felt so weird. But I was like, I think I need you to like get some more stories. You need new material. Chris, I was like, I need you to like go out there and just do just have a flirty moment with someone like anything where I can feel like maybe it's my competitive nature. I was like, I want a guy who other girls want. Like I like something that is like, you know, you want a handbag that other girls are like, oh, my God, I'm dying to get that. That's relatable. That is relatable. Like I like I have experienced that like masochism to a certain degree where I'd be like, tell me about every ex. Tell me about all the things like that part of the beginning of the relationship. Or were you like, I want to know because I know it definitely like made me be like, OK, now I'm going to like fuck you 10 times better tonight. Yes. OK, yes. But then it's like showing their value that they are valued by other women because I respect women and women's opinions. I do. This all comes back to me. This whole thing is like men are discussing and they need to get their bonus fixed immediately. And I don't really want to fix your boner. But I love women. I want my boyfriend to fuck other women because I just love women so much. I'm such a feminist. Hold on. This is this is all about this is not pick me. This is pure feminism. Hold on. Exactly. You for getting to the root of it. So you then tell this to Chris and was he like, this is a trap you're out of your mind. They always think it's a trick. Like, like, you know, he was just he knew that I was a sincere person and would not it wasn't the type of girl to like, I wasn't a jealous person up into this point. So I don't think he was like getting any of that vibe of like, she's just trying to test me. So it was like, are you serious? You really want that? OK. Like, how should this happen? And like, and so I I was like, you know what, if you do it and I don't like it because I don't know how I'll feel like I've never done this before. So I don't know how I'll feel if my boyfriend, you're my first boyfriend ever. And so how will I feel if you have a flirty moment with another girl? So just like, try it. And if I don't like it, we can stop and just don't just don't do like, don't kiss her, but like, see if you like, if you could like, if you get to a place where you like, maybe you even go, I can't. I have a girlfriend like something like that. But I don't make her feel bad about it. Yeah. And don't make her feel like she's being like, actually, you know, like, I was very careful to like, always let the girlfriend girl know you have a girlfriend. So she's choosing to do this and just let her know that that I'm OK with it. So I'm picturing you having this fucking conversation with Chris. You're like, I remember. Oh, and another thing. And he's like, wait, one more thing. What if you also like, wear those jeans that I like? And what if you tell her and he's like, oh, anything else? I remember it so vividly. It literally was like that. And I remember the first time anything happened. I did feel like a thing of jealousy came up where I was like, I think it was about I hadn't communicated that I need her to know that I exist. And I think I felt a little bit sad that maybe she thought there was something with this guy that wasn't going to happen. And I've been that girl so many times, whether the guy's lying about having a girlfriend or he's like just casually dating someone he's making it seem like it's not serious, but he just that he's leading me on and I don't have a chance. Yeah, devastating. So I think that tripped me up a little bit, but I was kind of into it. I really was. Did he hook up with a girl? He's done some stuff. Yeah. He probably wouldn't appreciate me elaborating on that. But like there's there's been interesting things that have been like really fun for for me to like hear about and experience and like and fun for him too. Because, you know, you get older, he's 45 and I'm like, get out there, like get some know that you're a sexual being again. Like sometimes I'm like too busy to be really sexy. So I'm like, get out and get some attention. Does it freak you out to be open about this? Like, do you think people judge you guys? Yeah, every time I bring it up, I'm like, God, here she goes again. Like because women, I think women I've never I've I have not yet. I maybe met one woman that felt this way, like exactly how I feel in my whole life. And I've talked about this extensively. So it's very rare for women to feel this way. And I feel like I want to be very clear that I know that this is not how many women feel. And I'm not encouraging any other woman to do this. Or I think this is like the right way to run your relationship. I think honestly, it probably is detrimental. I remember Dr. Drew telling me like he after he heard me say that I don't mind. He was like, I need you to look me in the eyes and repeat. I am enough. I am enough. And I'm like, no, it's not about that. I'm like, maybe it is. Maybe I'm not enough. And I feel like he has to have more. But it's it's it's there's probably a sad to do it. But I just it's just what I'm into and I can't help it. And I'm not trying to be cool. I am I believe me when I've been single guys are not into this. It sounds like a dream like I could date a woman and fuck other girls. Like that sounds like a dream. Guys really like to be like they like girls to be jealous and to like kind of boss them around. Like I want you to go free. They're kind of like what like they don't like they think they like it. But I assure you this isn't getting me guys like this. Interesting. It's never like been a pitch for me to be like, look how cool I am. Why don't you date me because you can do it every one. Go fuck other girls. They don't like it. We what are your friends think about this? They're used to it at this point. They're just like they marvel at it because I have one friend who is, you know, been cheated on before. So she like experiences a lot of jealousy in her life. And she has this like amazing husband who would fucking never cheat on her. Like we we just I just know that about him. He's like the most decent guy, but she still gets jealous about, you know, him hanging out with past girlfriends or like a therapist who's a little too touchy or stuff like that. And I know a therapist is being too. Yeah, like just a creepy there. Like definitely a therapist that I'm just like get her out of his life like immediately. But so casually. That happens all the time. Like a like a masseuse or like a literal no, like a literal therapist. What this one French? This is a friend of mine. She also went to a couple's therapist one time. And I wanted to I put this in a script once because it was so funny, but she was going to a couple's therapist to like save her marriage and they divorced eventually. But this therapist was so into her husband. At one point they asked her the therapist asked her something and she's like, well, I don't know. Like my friend answered like, I don't know. And the therapist just put her hand on his leg and goes, we just can't get through to her. Can we? And they both had like a moment. I was just like, oh, so like so anyway, this this friend has had jealousy before. And I said to my friend, I go, if you could make it so that no women were attracted to your husband, you flip your fingers and no woman on earth will ever be attracted sexually attracted to your husband would you. And she was like in heartbeat, I would love that. And I was like, that would be my nightmare. Like that. No, no, no, I would hate that. That I would hate that. But she would love it because it would give her freedom to not have to worry about him being taken from her. And see that though worries me because then that's also plays into insecurity of like, why are you so worried that your husband's going to get taken from her? Like I don't I know that people think my husband is attractive. And that I like. And you know that I'm not he's not running away. You're not worried about it. No, an off leash dog. Yeah, you don't need to be like, no, stay with me. You're just like, hey, come over here. He can go smell a bush. And he'll like come right to you. Like there's nothing cooler than an off leash dog. And that's what I want in a boyfriend is like, I know I'm the master. Like if my boyfriend were to like fool around with someone else, I would need that girl to know like, do you know who's in charge though? Like who he's coming back to. And I would love to see you try to get him. I would love that too of like, oh, my God, she thinks she's going to because I've been that girl before that's like, I I'm going to win this guy over. Who's dating, you know, like, you don't win. You're so competitive. I think that's it. I love it. I wish I wasn't so much because I always feel like that's a negative trait in a woman. But I realize I am. It's OK. Yeah. I actually really respect it. Speaking of your friends, you have a group chat with your nine best friends. All of these girls, though, you brought together, right? They came from like different areas of your life. How did you merge them all? I so it's like my best friends since fifth grade, fourth grade, my sister, my old podcast producer, a comedian that I know and my my boyfriend's friends, ex-wife, ex-wife, like it's I just collected all these girls that I just knew. We're cool as hell and funny. And we just would do I would do girls trips with certain groups of them. And I would just be like, I think I want to add a girl to the girls girls trip because she's like down and my friends just trust me. I've known them for my whole life and they are all best friends now all through me. Like I've been the nucleus of this group and we are constantly chatting 24 seven. Like they know I'm here. Like it's it's the best. It's my most proud creation is my I was going to say like that is as you get older. It's so hard to have adult girlfriends in a large group capacity because it's like sometimes you met someone in college or sometimes for someone's from childhood and then someone's from and to merge them together. Because they should be able to merge. You should be consistent with your friendship. They should all like fit a criteria of like, you know, sometimes we have friends that are like good for just one on one. And like we have friends for different things, but like I and girls are so desperate for girlfriends. It's really hard, especially in the Midwest, if you're working a desk job to like to meet people. I feel like I meet a lot of people. So I'm like, I'm so happy to give my friends who might not meet these other interesting girls, like new friends. And like it's it's incredible. It's the most fun. I like I met a girl yesterday who I had lunch with and I was on Girls Chat. Like I think I have a new girl for our girls trips. What is the group chat's name? It's it's just called girls. Oh, no, it's called Angels Angels because we went on a yacht one time that my friend got us and the captain's name was Angel and Angels Angels for the day. Okay, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions about the group chat. Yeah. What is the text that if it got leaked, you would get canceled? Or like, what's the the content that you're speaking of? Um, what was something that we like, I would say, I would say just like making fun of people that have wronged us, like going really hard and saying some really, really bad things. Like that we have to sometimes start doing like a code name because it's like that and I only would get canceled because people would be so shocked at how like they wouldn't be shocked at me because I roast, but like I roast pretty hard in there, like stuff that I would never say it like an actual roast. But it's a safe space. Yeah. What is the most insane relationship advice that's ever been given in that group chat? Oh, my friends thought I was the most insane person in the world. I was the most insane person in the world. Oh, my friends thought she broke her husband's dick the other day. Okay. And she said it was like a train car pile up. She like sent a picture of like when a train derails and it's like, and that was really funny. And we were all giving her advice about what to do for that because he was like, I don't want to get it checked out. Like, you're so embarrassed. And she was like, I heard it snap. I think it broke his dick. And what the fuck do you break a man's dick? It like slipped out and she like went in and it like went against her stomach and like was like, but you can do it. She like Googled it and it was so we gave her advice about like telling him to go get it looked at, but he never did. I guess it's fine. It's going to repair itself. Yeah. So there was a lot of that's amazing. Yeah. That was good. Have you ever sent nudes for pre-approval in there? No, not even pre-approval. That's where they go. OK. You know, like that's where they're ending up. Like that's where, yeah. Like, you know, the other day my friend was talking about, you know, like I have a lot of friends who have had babies and like their stomachs are just like not going back to the way they were because the muscles get pulled out and my friend is like, I need to get a tummy tuck, but they can't even fix this. And she was showing her belly and it just looked like she ate a skinner who ate a sandwich and so there was a day on chat where we were all just taking the gnarliest, pushing our stomachs out, distended as much as possible. And that was one where I did crop off my head just in case something late that I could like deny that it was me, but you could probably tell by faded spray tan that it was. You know, it's good though, is when you are getting older. I'm like, I do the same thing where you're like, I'm not sending nudes to my husband. I'm doing with my friends being like, what does this look like? And like my friends, I literally would like, like my friends have sent me pictures of a vagina being like, oh, yeah, this normal, like is that's the news. Is this herpes or a ingrown hair? I've many of those. Yeah, that is that's it's like medical diagnoses are the new perfect. Do your friends think you're funny? Oh, yeah, yeah. But they're like funnier than I am. Like truly like the funniest people ever. Like I'm obviously trained at being funny. It's like something I've worked at and is my career. But they are so, so, so funny. No, I love how much you talk about how obviously you've referenced other comedians. You've referenced your friends, like women. And also you're just like a huge feminist because you let your man like fuck other women. But it's really about the other women. Like this is about feminism here. I'm thinking over here. You are in a pretty male dominated field. Obviously, what is a time in your career? Because obviously you're thriving right now. But like what's a time in your career where you really felt the weight of being a woman in comedy? Alex, it's so weird. And I hate saying this because this is so unfeminist of me. I like never really noticed that I was different. If that makes any sense. Like I never was like, I'm a female comic and this sucks and I'm not being taken seriously. I look back and there's so many instances where that was taking place. But I really didn't notice it. I was just like, to me, the best, my favorite comedians were female comics. So I thought it was always like a cooler thing to be. And I never felt, you know, it was almost safer because I maybe I noticed that men were always getting things. So when I didn't get things, I wouldn't take it personally. I was like, it's just this thing beyond my control because only one woman can get this roast. And so if I'm not getting a roast, there's, you know, there's only one woman per roast. There's maybe, you know, they're giving out specials that year or, you know, stand up specials. It would be like two women get them. And I know which two those girls are in the class above me. They deserve it more than me. So it was always kind of like. And like it's an unsaid thing that's like it shouldn't be that only one woman's getting it. But it's like, you were the way it was. And so it was easier for me to be like, that's why I didn't get it because there's not enough spots, not because I'm not good enough. And so, you know, and then I look back on and now I think I notice it more where, like, you know, a comedian will come into a show that has like, you know, seven comics on the lineup and there's like some famous guy dropping in. It's called dropping in. He just drops on wherever he wants because he's famous enough that like he bumps anyone. So and I'll get he'll go up before me as opposed to anyone on the set. And I'm like, is it because I'm a woman or is it because I'm nice and he knows that I don't care. And I'm like, whatever. But like it always happens to be, I feel like it often is me. And I'm like, I think it's because they don't respect us as much. Or like it's and now I'm noticing it. It's just easier when you get bigger for them to just dismiss what you do and say, like, well, oh, she only killed the Golden Globes because she had writers. And I'm like, what? What war show doesn't have writers, motherfucker? Like what? Why is it suddenly pointed out that I get right at like every award show in the history has had a writer's room. But now it's like that's why she's funny because she had such killer writers. But they'll never they'll not say that. They'll just say things like, oh, Nikki Glaser has the best writers. And I go, OK, I know exactly what you're doing. You're dog whistling to your fucking fans that I don't write my own stuff, which is so untrue. And or they'll say, you know, or all she does is talk about sex. And that's all she does. And that's easy for her. And I'm like, yeah, but it's not easy for you because you're disgusting. And no one wants to hear about it. And you are ashamed of your sexuality. So yeah, it is easy for me. You talk about what's easy for you and I'll talk about what it's easy for me. It is easy for me, but not everyone who else is talking about. It's not easy to talk about sex. That is so fascinating hearing you with the writer thing, because it's like they're trying to discredit you. And they always say it like they're like praising me like you. You hire the best writers. Like I'm supposed to take like and I go, yeah, I do because I have great taste. And I also write the like jokes. A ton of like people, but it's like it's the quickest thing to they always do it. And as if every like you just said, every single live show is. It is to the second that you have practiced this. They know the exact word that then gets you to the transition to the next thing, because that's how it has to go. That's how you run live television. Talk about singers. No one has ever like, but you know, yeah, she didn't. So many singers don't write their own music and they never get discredited for that. Or they have male, you know, let's just talk about men helping like producers in the room, producing a song and no one gets taken away credit for their song. I mean, I'm not going to say no one, but it's just very interesting to me that for some reason stand up comics like call each other out for that stuff. They don't call men out. It's like we it's like every late night show they all have writers. But we say Conan's the funniest. Colbert is the funniest. Fallon's the funniest. But we don't talk about the writers. But when a woman does it, I swear to God, it happens every time. And it's given me a complex where I'm like, I can't I can't ask for help. I don't want to. I need to write a better joke than that one, because if I use that one, I can't really claim that it was me that did that. And I it's it's made me kind of insecure about like, well, I only got far because the Golden Globes is only good because the writers are like, it's made me feel that way. But I'm like, wait a second, when there's a home decorator that puts together a beautiful room, people don't go, well, she didn't make that couch. She didn't make that book. She didn't. But she put it all together. What about that? We give credit for that. And I'm actually making the chairs. I'm am writing the jokes. But it's like, if you don't do it all, you're not allowed to claim credit. And it also is a side from even just that. It's like the amount that you have to pour into it to think about. But because I am a woman, inevitably, I'm going to get this backlash. So how can I think about this in a way that will also mitigate the damage of people saying this because I'm like, as soon as you asked me about this and I start talking about writers, I'm like, oh, my God, now this is going to be out there. And then that's going to be something that I'm like, I'm giving them something to now say. And every man that you have seen on those stages has a fucking writer. Every single one. And guess what? A lot of them are women. And guess what? Yes, a lot of them are. It's it really, really irritates me. And it's something that I wish I wasn't. It didn't get to me as much. But I there was just a couple fucking clips from Friends of Mine that went out right after something I did that was like, she's got a murderous row of writers and they were talking about my writers. And I'm like, first of all, I know you don't know any of my writers. So you're just saying that just to let people know what to how your male fan base can take me down as a female comic who they're mad at because I talk about my vagina or whatever. I just think also that the more we do talk about it and I get it, I get you're going to sit here and you're like, oh, my God, did I just serve this whole thing up again? I've been there. But I also think it's important to talk about because it again, we're putting them right next to each other the same amount of writers. The same amount of people that do it for the men. So why is it even a conversation for you? And I bet most people genuinely didn't know that men had writers and they think that they're these genius people. And then because you're a woman, they're trying to nitpick me like, there has to be something behind it yet for all of them, whether you have a dick or a fucking vagina, there's writers behind all these people. There was a joke about me having writers done at the roast of Tom Brady that really irritated me because it's like everyone up there has writers. By the way, every single person that does a roast has and there's a there's a by the way, they hire a writing staff to work on the road. So if you don't hire writers yourself, which everyone does, they give you jokes. Yes, you walk in, they give you just no one. And and and by the way, I wrote the bulk of my jokes. Like, you know, you you have them to help you out and shape it because it's a lot of work. And there was one joke about me that I had writers and and the guy that told the joke had that joke written for him. And I was like, the irony here, like I know the guy who wrote the joke for this guy that was making fun of me for having writers. And I'm like, it was so irritating to me because that's just not something that I would ever call it another another comic because because especially if I was using writers, I wouldn't call it something for something that I was doing. So it was just saying that's one that really gets me. And I like that we're talking about it because I can again, like I can make fun. I can say the thing before people say it, but it does it will be a thing that follows me the rest of my life, probably. Not only that, I think it's like we have to we have to be aware of it as women because you read this shit and we care about our careers. It hurts when people try to put us down off of things that just are a prerequisite in the industry that are things that have been happening before us. Yes. And by the way, people bomb when they have writers. It doesn't mean that you're going to be good. People choose bad jokes. Also, it is so exhausting, the standard that we are held to as women. And it is true, though. A lot of women are holding other women to this insane standard because I think it's like we want to have this like moral high ground that we are like, no, you have to do this. Like you watch certain people getting crucified online for certain things. And then you're like, wait, but what about the Epstein files? Like what about those guys? Like the way that we crucify women for something that is point zero percent compared to the men who are doing what to these children, like you don't even get me started. It's like, guys, put your energy towards that fucking shit. I can't handle it anymore, especially with Epstein files and with the deep dive that I went on that. I was like, this is more this is, you know, I've always been like, well, politics are more important than celebrity stuff. There's always been that like, well, Trump's doing this. But when the Epstein files came out, that like was so insane to me that I was like anything other article about celebrity calling anything else is just shut up. Like even the capacity at which I wish people put the amount of energy they put towards being like obsessed with Chapel Roan and like the. It's like, why don't we focus on the living, breathing men who are in the Epstein files? And Chapel Roan just like did something with like not wanting to say hi to her fans. Like let's focus on trading children and emails that is like not even in code words. And that but that though, I do think what's so crazy is all women. We get off on the security was mean to the cousin of someone. It's really important we address it and then she addressed it and that she like, yeah. I mean, well, child rape aside, we have to deal with Chapel Roan in this to that she has ever since she got famous. She thinks she's better than people to tell them to leave her alone and on tape pictures when she doesn't want it to be taken. That's what's important. And I would like a list of that. I want the list to be all the times that she has snapped at paparazzi. It's more important. It's so much more important. It's insane that they can even exist. Like I don't even understand how we talk about anything else. If you haven't done an Epstein deep dive, I know it's a little too late. Oh, I've done it. Like not you. I know you have. But based on like, no, you listening at home, guys, guys, guys, I am scared to even say the name because I might get murdered. We're dead. We're literally dead. This is our last episode. Caller daddy's over. It is true. Like how I love that you just said it because I had to appear. I've had that realization the past couple of weeks of like, no, why is this a headline? It is. What's going on? It is so shocking the way that women are reprimanded in comparison to what is actually fucking happening in the world. And you're like, how we cannot keep fucking doing this. Women, if you look in the comments, it's just fucking women tearing other women down. It's you got let's redirect our fucking energy. Let's stop. Men are laughing at us. Reading. Come I want to stop reading comments. It's really hard. But comment culture. I talk about this all the time, but I have to say, like I'm so sick of it. Like it is literally destroying art. Like the fact that people because even when I'm watching something, I will read the comments before I watch it just to see how I should feel about it. Do you ever do that? Yes. And it's how do other? And it colors how you watch it. And you're a savvy consumer. So what are dumb people doing? They're just going off of what the comment is. Oh, it is so fucking dangerous. It's really bad. I can't. I don't even know the last time I consumed anything without finding some kind of review about it before, like feeling how you're going into this. It's true. I need to know people on Tick Tock have talked about how there's people who only the minute you scroll, you just open the comments. So you get like a brief analysis of what's going on. But all these people are like sick in the fucking head. The sickest people ever. I've never commented anything except like fire emojis and like hurts queen or like sleck like sleck only telling another girl. She looks hot is the only thing I would ever comment. And like, I think I guess the I guess life of a showgirl was the last thing I consumed where there was no there was no reviews out yet. And I was just consuming it without comments and like, you don't know. And then you open Tick Tock and you're like, Oh, I guess maybe people didn't like the album. Exactly. And then you're like, am I wrong for? But that I think this last pure like thing that I needed to blow up. I'm just like, I just don't want any more comments. No, I know now we just can't read the people get so mad if you disable them. They're so mad. Let's talk about your fucking special. Yes, please. We're like, wait, but one more thing on Epstein. So I wish you bring out a full fucking pizza. Why are they always talking about pizza and like cream pizza? No. No, the fucking. No, the fucking codes. The fucking blurs. Like every like, why are we what's going on? We need some but but it's over. Like we've all like people don't talk about it anymore. It's over. It's so true. They check off that list. They checked it twice. Like gonna find out who's naughty or a psychopath. And we're moving on. And they're like, got it. OK, him. Anyway. Yeah. Good girl. Let's let's bring some good girl. OK, yes, my special good girl. If we are alive by the time this is released, I want to make it clear. I have I do not want to self harm. I have no suicidal thoughts. If anything happens to me, I was murdered. Someone is gunning for us. Yes. But I'm not cutting this out. We're saying we're an example, Nikki. But to Google the stuff we said. Yeah, yeah, like those keywords. Get that on your algo. You're not getting it in like MSN, BC, or whatever. Like pizza, pizza, pizza, cream cheese. Yes, the people read it. Go to Epstein, read it. Yeah, Google. Yeah. Yeah. OK, your new special. Good girl. Yeah. How did you decide that's name and like what can you tell us about it? I decide on the name because it's a joke I have about like the porn I consume. I really like when the guy there's like a guy who's being almost like a coach kind of person that's like making a girl do something really hoarse that she's kind of like, I don't know if I can do this. And he's like, you can do it. Like be and then she does it and he's like, good girl. And that's like always when I'm like, I climax is when the guy is like praising the girl. What do you search for that? I search gangbanks. I know that's not what you want me to say, but it's true. Gangbanks, forced orgasms. Forced orgasms. Yeah, yeah. OK, that's where girls tied up and like and I really like that because I have a hard time orgasming because I feel like it's just like so embarrassing and it's like a loss of control that I don't like like because I like to be in control. And so I've always felt like orgasms were hard for me because I was like, I just look so stupid. I don't want to look like like it's just it's so embarrassing. Yeah. And I would try to push them down and not have them. And so I discovered this genre of forced orgasm where girls like tied up and like wants it, but the guy's like making her come and she's like, it's like almost too much. And then she comes a bunch and then he says, good girl. And then it's not her fault that she looks stupid. He like did it. Do you use the same video? No, I like I honestly need you to know. Sometimes I'll like repeat after like a year. I'd be like, oh, I kind of remember this one, but I don't know how it ends. But let me guess. It's this was filmed during the last leg of your like what? Headlines are going to come. I'm so sorry. It's like, what did we do today? I don't know. I am like this. You filmed this during the last leg of your tour and you did it in your hometown in front of your friends and family. Yes. Is that like harder to do like or are you like you bitches will fucking laugh? No, it's much harder because I, you know, like growing up, I think, you know, when I was in high school, I always wanted to be like the popular girl. I felt like unseen. I felt quiet. I felt like, oh, God, these people don't even know my potential and they never will know it because I wasn't like auditioned for plays. I would never get like I would audition for like the Diary of Anne Frank and I would think I was going to get Anne Frank and I would get like Jewish Townsperson B like I was always like way under what and any like I would think. So I was like not being shown any reason why I would ever be successful. And I had the secret dream of like, I want to be on TV. So there's a part of me that is like, look at what I did. But like there's this other thing of like, I just project them being like, this isn't that good. Like almost like seeing the real me. So there's this like kind of, um, and also I don't feel like I'm a star. Like I don't as much as like, yes, I know that I've earned this status. And like other people might see me that way. I really don't think it's like I can think of a million reasons. Excuses for why it happened. And I'm like, I feel imposter syndrome. So there is a part of me that feels like stupid, like making all these people come to this big theater and like to give a standing ovation. And they're like, you know, girls I take Pilates classes with or like my hairdresser. Like, you know, girls I went to high school with, it's like kind of embarrassing. But but overall, like I loved it because they're just so supportive and they're so they are excited that someone made it. And like she's bringing this home and like she lives here. And they can tell that like that I don't think I'm better than it. Like I think they really get that I don't think I'm hot shit that I like am the girl that they knew. And I and that's I think I get that feedback. I'm so excited to have everyone watch your special because I also think like you you are right when you were saying like you are a conductor of storytelling through the beginning, middle and end. And like we've watched you at the Golden Globes. You've done such a phenomenal job. Like I when I went this year and I was sitting in the. I know you were there. First of all, I was like stressed for you because it is like. I think that you make it look easy, but I can only imagine before you get on that fucking stage, you have every fucking A-lister in that room staring at you, wanting you to like lightly stumble on like the joke that's about them or like not maybe hit it. Like they don't want you to fail, but like people don't want me to make a joke. Right. Exactly. You just want to get through on skates, but you also kind of want to be acknowledged because you're celebrity and you like are a big deal and you have an ego. So it's very interesting. I give you all of the flowers because it's like the pressure that is put on you. Like you said, to land the joke, to go out there, execute timing with everything that you do. Like you've done such an incredible job and it's really been awesome to watch your career rise. I love that my career can have different facets. Fast. It's where it's like I can be a freak on the stage at live shows and in my stand up and then I'm like more wholesome on TV. Like because I am both. I got rain. Person. Okay. You have range. I'm a wholesome girl with lots of holes. Isn't that what wholesome means? Nikki Glaser. Thank you so much for coming on Colorado. Thank you so much for having me. You're amazing.