Little Fish: Full Body Botox

Hi everybody, welcome to Little Fish. This is our weekly audience fact show. We've done all of our facts. We've run out. And while we wait and think of some more, you've sent some in to podcast.qi.com. My name is Andrew Hunter-Murray. I'm here with James Harkin and Dan Schreiber. Let's get into it. Who's got an audience fact? Shall I open with one? Here we go. This is from Stephen Corcoran, and his fact is China defends its border partly with geese. Okay, that's good. Yeah, so this is a pandemic thing. China's border with Vietnam, they were worried that people with COVID were going to come in through the border illegally, and so they hired a gaggle of geese, 500 of them, to stand guard and honk and bite at anyone who was coming through. They have teeth. Well, they've probably got a strong snap on their arm. They've got enough to nip on them, though. Yeah, exactly. The Romans used guard geese. Well, this is the thing. Guard geese. They're apparently way more efficient than most animals that we would use, like a guard dog. Police often use them in their stations. No. They do. No. They do. There's been examples in Brazil where they have used them in place of dogs because they have incredible eyesight. They have incredible hearing. They're extraordinarily territorial. therefore if a stranger comes in they immediately sound the alarm unlike a dog who might you know if you're a burglar and you come in with a big old steak and you throw the steak they get distracted with it right you know the classic way what if you throw a golden egg or something or something that distracts a goose that's true well that's the thing because there's a question of how come then they don't sound the alarm if a police officer comes in they say well they recognize the outfits and they see them all the police dress as geese yeah yes but that's the thing if You're going to rob a police station, which is ballsy anyway. Yeah, they don't keep large amounts of cash in there normally. No, but they do keep a lot of confiscated items that they've taken. So someone tried to break in to repossess their motorbike that was in there. So dress as a police officer, though, and you'll get past the geese. Yeah, so can they recognize the police, then? That's supposedly what they can. The geese police. Have they ever been used in warfare? Geese. Oh, great question. Good question. I imagine they have, as guards. We did a question on QI, which is what use is a goose for the G series? And I remember we talked about the guard geese. And also that Rabelais said you could wipe your bum with a goose's neck. Of course. Well, that's brilliant. Okay, shall I do one? Yeah. This is from Jeff Kennedy. And Jeff says that in the 1896 Kentucky Derby horse race, the winner came in seventh place. Riddle me this. Ooh. Okay. Okay, so it has to be a post-match six disqualifications for whatever. Six deaths. Six horses died after the race. Yeah, but you would still win. They don't take an Olympian's gold medal back if they've died years later. Well, he's gone now. Who's reigning? You're now first. Okay. The world's oldest lady, Jean Calmon, actually had all of the Olympic medals from 1896 by the end. Okay. um well dan sidester then disqualifications yeah they must have been on you know dope i'm afraid dopes you are wrong the answer is the winner was the name of the horse the winner was he was called the winner and he came seven anyway so i've read through every single competitor in every single kentucky derby since they began in the mid 19th century wonderful um the 17th place horse in the 2016 kentucky derby was oscar nominated is that the name yeah okay great the winner in 1999 was charismatic sixth place in 1914 was surprising surprising was the name of the horse the ninth place horse in 2021 was highly motivated and the fifth doesn't sound like it and the fifth place horse in 1971 was unconscious wild horses came last in the kentucky derby in 2002 and once again came third in 1889 once again is the name of the horse don't get mad was the name of the horse that came fourth in 2005 oh my god you've invented your own who's on first sketch i'm a wild and crazy guy Came forth in 2007 James this is your Palladium show You have to tour the country with this It's just a good hour of comedy You've got there Amazing That's it that's my whole week So when we do the show later the actual show I have no research I can't tell if this Oh that's stunning Alright Shall I do one? Yeah Alright, this is a fact from Harry and Charlotte A joint fact Cool Pretty cool Well, I think one of them will have taken the lead Probably And the other one's just going on a bit of a ride In fact, it begins with, my wife told me a fact So, here's the fact What is almond extract made of? Is it almonds? It's not almonds Is it Mark Almond? From Soft Cell It's Mark Almond Very very little almond extract Is made with actual almonds Is that true? It's crazy, it's made of peaches Peaches? Yep Oh, but they're members of the almond family, aren't they? Or is it the way round almonds are part of the peach family? Well, basically there's a stone in a peach Yeah And inside that stone There is a thing that looks like an almond And apparently that's what they use to make almond extract Oh wow Rather than actual almonds, says Harry And I have some almond stuff in my home And I looked at it And it says Bitter almond oil The vast majority of which comes from peaches And other fruits that are not almonds But they have a bitter almond in it A bitter almond No, very good Should have quit on the horse race Yeah, basically almonds all start as a fruit And so the thing which we think of as an almond nut Is the seed of it But actually, all droop seeds This droop family of fruits Which are flesh on the outside And then a single pit inside Which has a seed All droop seeds contain this chemical benzaldehyde which is uh for for almond extracts like colman's very cool i discovered the other day that rather than having to dig out the stone of an avocado oh no you just push it from the other side oh right it just comes right out no you don't you swallow it whole well no there was a there was a trend a while ago that you would hold the half of avocado in your palm yeah and then you would get a big knife and you would sort of smack the big stone with the knife and then the knife would embed into the stone you twist it and pull it out all right pretty cool i think it was before tiktok but it was an internet trend but um like people said you shouldn't do it because people are going to a andy having missed the avocado yeah andy pretty cool yeah it's pretty it is pretty cool i mean it would look pretty cool yeah you're right well it turns out it's really simple you just pop it out yeah that's how i do it pop it out never knew that i've always been digging away like an archaeologist. You guys are not eating bits of the avocado? The stone? The stone, yeah. The yummiest bit. Give that a miss usually. After the skin, of course. Well, if you've never had it, it's like an everlasting middle-class gobstopper. You know you just Right Do you know that story that there was like megafauna in South America that was eating the avocados and then pooing out the stones and we know they must have existed because avocados existed and they must have been propagated somehow uh and there was no humans to plant them so we know that this megafauna existed so they were the farmers they were the farmers yeah essentially but now we know that andy's eating the stones and presumably pooing them out as well you are the megafauna of the 21st century it's a struggle sometimes but so when you're caught squatting in the park just doing some farming anyone got a goose let's have another let's have another okay this is from jennifer roley uh she says i listened i recently listened to the little fish episode where you talked about the henley on todd regatta in australia so this is the one where it's dry um and it was called off because it rained and so it flooded. So it's like a dry river, isn't it? It's a dry river. You run around in the bottom of it. Exactly. And it got called off because of water, basically. And it reminded me of another weather-related regatta fact that you might like. So the Canadian city of St. John's in Newfoundland and Labrador has a public holiday that only happens if the weather is nice. Regatta Day is the day of the Royal St. John's Regatta, which is scheduled for the first Wednesday in August. However, if the weather isn't good enough for rowing, then the regatta has to be postponed. And if it's postponed, the public holiday itself is cancelled. So this has led to a tradition called regatta roulette, where people stay out late partying the night before, gambling that they will have the next day off work. That's funny. Yeah, they love the regattas, by the way. That's really good. In Canada, there's the Windsor pumpkin regatta. That's where everyone hollows out a giant pumpkin. We've spoken about that. We have spoken about it. Like 10 years ago, we spoke about it. That's right. It's very exciting. Someone did the record largest pumpkin, I believe it was, that we spoke about. By the way, this is about a 200-year-old festival, this regatta. So as far as I can tell, COVID obviously knocked it out, but that doesn't really count because that knocked out everything. So 1940, it seems to be the last time that they actually had to sort of lose the regatta roulette. Because of the weather? No, the war. Oh. So does that mean since then it's always been sunny enough? Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, so apparently the roulette is not that risky. Oh, I'd play roulette with those odds. Yeah, exactly. Could be wrong. Because like in the UK, if you have any holiday, it's guaranteed to be pissing it down. Yeah, that's the way it works. I found a really interesting regatta story about the Henley regatta. Can I quickly tell you? Yeah, why not? Let's see if this works. Sorry, can I just say, is this the Henley on Thames or Henley in Australia? Henley on Thames in the UK. So there used to be a guy called John Brendan Kelly. and he applied to be part of the regatta. He was an American. And it's quite a posh event, the regatta. And he wasn't allowed in, despite being a multi-millionaire in America, because he was a bricklayer that was seen as a labor job and he was not allowed to compete in it. So this really infuriated him. And so he decided to enter the Olympics to row. And he won gold. In fact, he won it three times, the first person to win a triple gold. And was it all due to the pent-up anger? He must have had a bit of fury to make a point to them. And so, you know, they were very apologetic and things changed for him. He was allowed to be part of... Why? Rules is rules. Well, it's... Yeah, but you can bend the rules when you have a three-time Olympian. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. It's like Steve Redgrave's allowed to wear trainers in a Ritzian Bolton. so he was he was this uh he was this brick layer even though he was rich and then you had you know this kind of royal regatta which felt quite posh anyway he has a few kids um one of them is called grace grace kelly grace kelly becomes an actress and then goes on to become princess grace of monaco so he is the father of princess grace interesting and as a kind of way of saying sorry if you now go to the regatta in henley there is a princess grace challenge cup as a way of apologizing so he went from being not allowed to compete to now having his daughter be the name of one of the regatta yeah interesting yeah shove that in your boats shove that in your boats um okay here is a fact from pav uh and pav wanted to share a fun uk tax fact and as a former accountant i think andy you thought i might be interested in this Pav writes that the 1982 case of Maillet versus Drummond established that while barristers are allowed to claim costs of wigs and collars they cannot claim the cost of purchasing or cleaning suits as they fail the wholly and exclusively test because they have the dual purpose of providing warmth and decency so in like if let's say you have an expense you can only claim it as an expense if it's just for your job. So if it's for something else as well, if you're going on holiday and you're like, oh, I'm going to do a TikTok video while I'm on holiday, you can't claim that because you're also on holiday. What? Oh, dear. Okay, good joke, James, but it's fine, right? Like, for instance, to pull another idea out of a hat, if you were to have a hair transplant, you can't claim it. Even if you're in a front-facing podcast, which is video, you can't claim it because it's also, you need that hair in real life to keep your head warm as well and provide decency but if i was to but my special podcasting hat that i wear every time that you guys are looking at now yes but if you as long as you don't wear that when you're out clubbing how could i wear this out this is a ridiculous hat maybe if you win three gold medals at the olympics they might let you but like this hat is so stupid that obviously it's only for podcasting and yeah yeah yeah like i would say like the racist elements as well probably is why you wouldn't wear it outside yeah it does feel awkward every time we make the pod that we have to look at that well we should make podcasting great again so there is no hat people at home in 2018 there was a case called gemma versus hmrc where an exotic dancer successfully argued that the cost of her outfits and shoes should be allowable because they provide neither warmth nor decency that's great it's a great fact it's Really good. Quite often, the tax officers, they tell you about claims that people have tried to make and whether they're allowed or not. So what do you think about Botox? Because you might say, well, you know, I'm on TV and I wouldn't have had Botox if I wasn't on TV. So it is because of that. But in actual fact, you get an advantage in your home life as well. What about I'm a living statue and I've had full body Botox to allow me to do my work every day? You know what I'm saying? I suppose like if it has no advantage In your day to day life at all Which I can't imagine it would Not at all I've given myself Full body freezing Yeah just to do my work You're aware that that's not exactly how they work What living statues? Yeah sometimes they just paint themselves silver Yeah but those guys are hacks No they're really good ones You know there's a guy Just outside the houses of parliament dressed as Oliver Cromwell Who's unbelievable Every day I've gone past him for years Pigeons shitting on him I don know how he got up on that pedestal He bloody good I wonder if any living statues got thrown into the rivers during that whole period Guys I a living statue of Colston guys Okay, I've got another one here. This is from Dan Paul Heskins, who says, My fact is that the lifestyle guru, Martha Stewart, says that when guests have overstayed their welcome, she tells them, I'm going to bed. I'll see you. If clueless guests stick around after that, Martha tells them, well, just turn off the lights and don't set off the fire alarm. Now, this doesn't read as true to me. I feel like Martha Stewart is someone who embellishes stories and just... I was just saying you've investigated this, Dan. Have you disproved it? No, I just don't know. I looked in to see just what other things that she said quite randomly, anecdotally, to see whether or not it's true. So I'll give you my findings. One is that she claims to have been struck by lightning three times. Okay. She said in an interview, she said, once it came out of my water faucet, I was leaning against it. We know that that's not true. That's like a government assassination attempt or something. It is. She says, I was leaning against an iron sink. I saw the lightning go down the pipe out in my garden, and then it came back through the water and hit me right in the stomach, threw me on the floor, and my husband found me. I was alive, but not very comfortable. Okay. That was one. She says that one came through the skylight in her house. And then she didn't mention in that interview the third time, but in an interview and chat with Snoop Dogg in 2016, she said another time it was while she was on the phone. Wow. Okay. Well, she's clearly pitching for the Would I Lie to You gig. Yeah, absolutely. Or the Dan Schreiber memorial anecdote. Yeah. Well, she also, as we know, went to jail. That's kind of what she's very famous for in the States. She served time. It's not what she's famous for. She's very famous for going to jail. I think that's a defining moment of her career. She wouldn't have been famous for going to jail unless she'd already been famous for something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's famous. The headline would just be, random lady goes to jail. No, she was a famous person who went to jail, which amplified her fame globally, I would say. And she went to jail because she was charged with full counts of obstruction of justice and lying to investigators about insider trading. So she served her time, she did home arrest and so on, was very punctual to always call in if she was a minute late. Maybe that's why she was having these parties and saying, oh, I'm going to bed. It's because the ankle tag is beeping Yes, it could be But she has had consequences Of going up to jail One is she's not allowed to come to Britain That's one of the consequences The second one is that as a result of it She was unable to participate In the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta In Windsor, Nova Scotia Okay, but did she want to? She did, she was going They have really strict criteria for entry Anyone who's been involved in insider trading is just not allowed in those pumpkins. If you've been struck by lightning twice, you're fine. Three strikes and you're out. Yeah. She announced her intention to be part of the regatta. She was flying over there, and then there was problems with her passports and being able to get there. Eventually, she was allowed to make it, but it wasn't in time to be part of the regatta. Yeah. Because there's a saying, three strikes and you're out. No, Andy, we got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was charged four times, wasn't she? Three times by the lightning, and then once by the police. well what a Martha Stewart roast this episode has turned into I'm staggered I actually quite like her but yeah but you had to get us all the way to that regatta story yeah you can't leave that on the tape once you find it you're like I will drag these two across hell and high water yeah it's funny like because Andy when you did your three strikes and you're out joke I was already in the frame of mind of Dan has a bit that he's trying to get to here so I'm just going to let him get to it. I see. You should have seen. You should have been crawling towards the finish line. Absolutely should have spodding over here. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you. Jan Goodens says to stop patients from bleeding to death after heart surgery, doctors inject them with salmon sperm. Oof. Ooh. It's a drug. It's called protamine and it's the specific antidote to reverse heparin which is a blood thinner right uh and yeah they make it from milt which is salmon and trout sperm because it's a protein if you're in the wild can you get a doctor sort of just masturbating a salmon over you as you lay dying um is that in your night's chance i'm just trying to work out if it would work i think you have to isolate the protein okay You can do that inside Your body will sort that out It's not going to hurt It won't make things worse It will for the salmon Imagine the story that salmon has When he gets back to his flock Wait till the guys upriver Just past that bear hear about this Okay that's enough of your facts Now it's time for you to receive our facts If you join our wonderful members club, Club Fish, you will not only get ad-free episodes and lots and lots of bonus material, but at the highest tier, friend of the podcast, we will give you a shout-out on the show and custodianship of your very own headline fact from Fish. Let's do a few of those now. Let's have one of our ceremonies. Let's have one of our ceremonies. James, give us a fact. Just going to take the tiny curtain off this fact because now it belongs to Jennifer Stankati. And Jennifer, your fact is that until 835 AD, Halloween was on the 12th of May. Ooh, a spooky date. It's a weird one. I don't really remember the fact, I must admit. But one thing about Halloween is like the nights are getting much shorter. So it does have a kind of spooky feel to it. It's a spooky time of year. The leaves are dropping. May is not spooky. May is not spooky. It's lovely. Yeah, you're right. This feels like probably Julius Caesar was to blame Oh yeah I just have a hunch He was well dead by 835 AD Yes, you're right But he was inventing new months and mucking around So I think he might have started this whole process Do you remember what it was? It was your fact, Andy It was a Roman thing And this was an all It was the All Hallowtide Festival And it was in May And then the church It actually wasn't a spooky thing Yeah, so All Hallows Day is basically All Saints Day. So it's a special day where you commemorate the saints. So Halloween would be the evening before that, but not necessarily pumpkin races. It was not a spooky thing. No one had invented the idea of dressing as a sexy cat on All Hallows Eve. It just wasn't a thing. And then there was a theory that it was moved to autumn because in May, everyone went to Rome and then got malaria. Which is spooky. It can be, yeah. It's scary. I'm going dressed as a sexy mosquito this year. Lovely. Great fact. Cool. Okay, Dan. Okay, this one is going out to Jeff Spencer. Jeff, your fact is medieval witches used broomsticks to put hallucinogenic drugs up their bums. Gosh. Yeah, so this was, I got this. This was my fact. I got this from a Wade Davis book Wade Davis is a anthropologist and he wrote a lot about this subject I think it controversial would you say Absolutely Is it all in with that kind of witches were actually people taking mushrooms and stuff That's what this is. Absolutely. And I think we talked about this in the show, that this is a sort of controversial interpretation. But it is a big theory of what happened. But you're not really flying. You're not really flying. You just think you're flying because you've put the broomstick up your bum? Yeah, so you need an applicator for the hallucinogenic. The hallucinogenic is used on the end of a broom. The broom goes up because the best way of getting the best of a drug is... Is there room on a broom for a sexy cat like me? Oh dear. That's a joke that pre-parenthood you wouldn't have known to make. No. So the broom wasn't for flying on. The drugs were hallucinogenic flights of the mind is the idea. Sure. Yeah. Here's another fact. This one is now forever and a day In the ownership of Ula Wu And it's that the Rosetta Probe Analyzing a comet's smell Has discovered it smells like rotten eggs Cat urine and bitter almonds So when we say almonds Now But I do of course mean bitter peaches Yes Yeah Yeah That's amazing Good, just a good space smell there Yeah Okay, here's one more This one is now under the custodianship of Elaine Teenan Elaine your fact is That Sir Ranof Fiennes The oldest Briton to climb Everest Fears heights so much That he asks his wife To clear the gutters for him What a convenient lie He's also afraid of filling the dishwasher Taking his pants in the basket Not near the basket In the basket Yeah he's a crazy Crazy guy isn't he Ranof Fiennes Mad bad and dangerous to know That's Lord Byron Yeah but that was his first wife I believe this is When she introduced Ranulf to her dad That is how he was described So it's the name of his autobiography Mad, bad and always leaves the remote control In a place where you don't expect it to be Okay This is a fact that is going to Michelle Hagen That is a Ryanair crew member recruited today Could not possibly be the same height As one from the first cabin crew. Do you remember this? I do. This was Anna's fact and I remember the fact that you had to be a certain height for the original flights. I think it was quite a smaller height. 5'2". 5'2", yeah. And now if you were that height you wouldn't be able to reach the lockers. I thought you had to be under 5'2". You'd need Randall Fiennes' wife to come in and put it in for you. You had to be under 5'2 for the first flight, I thought. And you'd have to be over 5'2 now. Got it, got it, got it. Here's another one that goes out to Alexander Schwenk And it's that Steven Seagal Is the only private citizen To dismantle a nuclear bomb And when we say dismantle I think he paid for the Should we explain to younger listeners what a Steven Seagal is? I think we should, yeah Action He was a mega action hero Cut price Sylvester Stallone Yeah, but he probably I think his movies did bring in box office Like Under Siege and so on Like there were big blockbusters and then he became a sort of direct to VHS kind of actor. And then he became a stooge of Vladimir Putin. Yes. And I think he's also a reincarnation of a llama. He's a... Buddhist llama. No one spits in your face. Well, Putin won't like that. Well, why is he getting a nuclear weapon dismantled then? So this was listed on his website. And then when you looked into it It was that he funded for one to be dismantled But I think he is like He's friends with Putin Oh very much so Yeah Yeah very much so Does he live in Russia now? He moved to Moscow or something I think he lives in Russia Yeah Does he? Yeah Like Gérard Depardieu Well Gérard Depardieu did it for tax reasons I think Mostly Did he? Because it's flat rate tax in Russia Not that I've ever looked into it There's a certain kind of actor Who when their career is a bit on the skids They think I'll just go to Russia That's the future It's very like I think Daphne and Seagal Are in a slightly buzz of a feather there I think Okay it's a bit Which current day actor do you think is next On the line I can't think of any more actors Okay Who won't sue us okay um here is one more from me today uh this is a fact that is now under the custodianship of aran i officer your fact is that viking names included desirous of beer squat wiggle lust hostage short penis able to fill a bay with fish by magic the man who mixes his drinks And the man without trousers Wow Bit of a long one Well not if you're short penis This might have been a live show Was it for the book festival It was we did it in the comedy book festival It was in Camden The Irish centre In Camden And we should say If you join as a friend of the podcast You get a certificate with your fact on it And I just want to say we're really stretching the bounds of what the certificate can hold with your fact, Aaron. So I hope it's fit on there or we've used the right font. Yeah, sorry about that. I mean, guys, let's pick our Vikings. Who do you want to be? I love the man without trousers. Oh, yeah. I will go for able to fill a bay with fish by magic. I feel like that's me. Yeah? Yeah. I'm definitely squat wiggle. No one picked your penis, I see. shall we have one more okay maddie chandler this is for you you only live once is the fourth autobiography by katie price wow has she done any since do you think i think she has has she yeah i think she has because when would we have done this episode 35 so that would have been still 2014 2014 yeah yeah um yeah so we were doing the book festival and this was a fact taken directly from one of the QI fact books. I think that was what we did. Oh, is that what we were pushing? Yeah, we were all taking one fact from that. And of that book, which had something like 1,200 facts, this was the one fact of mine that made it into that book. Well done, dudes. Are you still living off those royalties? I am. One 1,339th of the royalties goes to you. Okay, that's it. Those are our facts going out to you. So congratulations to all eight friends of the podcast. we've just covered. That's Maddy, Aaron, Alexander, Michelle, Elaine, Ula, Jeff, and Jennifer. If you would like to get your own fact or just to join Clubfish and get ad-free episodes and bonus stuff and so much more, it's so much fun on there. You can do that by going to patreon.com slash no such thing as a fish. That's it for this little fish. We'll be back in a few days with another big fish. But until then, it's bye from these guys. See you guys. Bye, guys. And it's goodbye from me. Bye. Bye.