260 - The December Monologues

Ahoy, ahoy, it is Jeffrey Craner letting you know that welcome to Night Vale is coming to Europe. In May of 2026, we will be in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, that's my birthday. London on May 29th and finally on May 30th, we are closing out our short little jaunt overseas in Amsterdam. This is our newest live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest and it is so wild and so much fun, you gotta come see it. Tickets are on sale now so Europe, go get your tickets, come see us at the end of May, we'll see you there. Tickets are available at welcometonightvale.com slash live. Also, if you like to gear up with Night Vale stuff, we have some brand new merch in our store. We just put out a t-shirt that says laughter is the only medicine. We have this really cool hot and cold tumbler designed by Jessica Hayworth with these really, really creepy moths on them and also, you know why not, we just made a trophy and it's a trophy you can get for yourself that says first place, hottest scientist. I don't know, you do you. We also have new bumper stickers, we have posters, we have t-shirts, we've got a spider wool spaceball cap, shorts that say creepy on the butt, you know the drill, we have tons and tons of stuff and we're always adding new things and taking away old things so if you've seen our store once, you've only seen it that one time, it's always changing. So check it out at welcometonightvale.com and just click on store. Okay, now let me get you to your Night Vale episode and hey, thanks. 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We return now to the December monologues. And we're back. I'm your DJ Michelle Nguyen, odor of Dark Owl Records, and you're listening to KD RK. You're one stop pirate radio station for the most obscure tracks you've never heard anywhere else. And we'll never ever hear again. If you hear a song that you've heard on today's show at some other time in your life, even if it's in the far future or distant past, I will send a cease and desist letter. So just be chill, okay? Don't be trying to hear songs more than once, no matter how much you love them. If you can't handle a little self-control, you've tuned in to the wrong show. This show is all about fleeting joy, feeling the pain of loss before something's even over, remembering how a song made you feel, but nothing about the actual lyrics or melody. If you're the kind of person who needs to examine every little detail of the things you love, instead of just enjoying the sensation as it hits you and moving on immediately without looking back, again, this is not the show for you. I understand if that sounds extreme, but before you tune out, I want you to ask yourself a question. Where does all this repetition really get you? Nothing will ever equal the excitement of the first time you hear your new favorite song. You immediately have the impulse to listen to it again and again to the point where you learn every word and note, and that can feel really, really satisfying at first. But there's always a peak, isn't there? That moment where you heard it just one too many times, now you know it too well. Honestly, it almost bores you. You might not want to admit that. You might still claim to love that song and call it one of your favorites, but the truth is, you barely listen to it anymore. Maybe you never do. So now you're lying to yourself. Sure, you can sing the whole thing from memory, but is that the same thing as love or is that just intimate knowledge? I know it can be hard to tell sometimes. On this show, we don't put ourselves in that position. We only have that first listen, that high of discovery, the surprise of a hidden emotion suddenly unlocking inside yourself, the rush of having your mind blown, wondering how such a piece of art was even accomplished, and was that a bagpipe you heard in the background, but accepting that you'll never know? On this show, you don't have to chase every little thing that makes you feel good until you totally ruin it for yourself. Isn't that freeing? And the thing is, you will hear absolute bangers on KDRK. I'm truly sorry about that. I just have really good taste, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll tell you right now, it's not going to be easy to let go of these songs once you hear them, but that's what makes them so special. If it helps, try to remember you're not alone. Other people are listening right now too. We're all sharing this moment in time and sound together, and maybe one day, you'll meet someone who heard the same song you did, and maybe it meant just as much to them as it did to you. You'll try to remember it together. You won't be able to, of course. You'll both hum tuneless tunes and mumble random lyrics that don't make sense, and the more you try to do it, the less like the original song it'll sound, but the more you'll bond with that other person. It's way more powerful to want something together than to have something together. I'm going to stop talking now and get to the music. This is Michelle Nguyen, and you're listening to Katie R.K., broadcasting live out of the break room at Dark Al Records. Oh, and sorry if you tried to come into the store and buy something while I've been on the air. I'm busy. Come back later or whatever. First up is a genre I just learned about called Velocirapt, which is hip hop beats over recreations of what different species of dinosaurs might have sounded like. It's very old school. After that, a set of post-neo supermarket wave, music that was once alternative and is now played in the background at the grocery store, remixed with ambient tracks of shoppers, employees, and sale announcements. Stay tuned for your all-time favorite song that you'll never ever hear again. Spar quality hair repair without the price tag. Try it now. Her balls. Lesson 6. Surfers repair to smoothness, nourishment with regimen use versus non-conditioning shampoo. And we can't do that alone, so we're inviting the cast and crew that made the show along for the ride. We've got writers, producers, composers, directors, and we'll of course have some actors on as well, including some certain guys that played some certain pretty iconic brothers. It was kind of a little bit of a left field choice in the best way possible. The note from Kripke was, he's great. We love him, but we're looking for like a really intelligent decoveny type. There are 15 seasons to explore. It's going to be the road trip of several lifetimes, so please join us and subscribe to Supernatural then and now. We would rather listen to the December monologues. Of course, as we drive home from our jobs, thankful only for the sluggish clouds that hide the moon from our eyes. No one's in the mood for your dim poetry, moon. We would rather listen to the December monologues. Hi, thanks for having me. Your offices are, well, they're certainly something. Security's a little intense. I thought they might kill me. Wow, so this is what it's like in a big tech startup. Seems very cool. Although I pictured more free coffee bars and hammock desks rather than a stark, barely lit warehouse, but it's super hip. I hear Google is planning to redo all of their offices as dim cavernous warehouses. It's absolutely the look these days. So great job. Sorry if I'm rambling. Job interviews always make me nervous. Oh, a little bit about myself. Let's see. I'm Steve Carlsberg. I was born and raised right here in Night Vale. Like all kids here, I crawled out of the cave when I was seven with no memory of who I was before. What else? Oh, my favorite fruit is apple. Also, my favorite kind of computer. Just kidding. I'm a Linux guy. And what's your name? If you told me you'd be compelled by an unseen force to stab yourself in the throat with a pencil? Oh, then definitely don't tell me. Say no more. Sorry, go on with your questions. My biggest weakness. Oh, that's a good one. I'd say it's probably that I require food to eat, and if anything pierces my fleshy outer coating, I get severely injured or die. My biggest strength? Organization. I'm very organized. One time that I solved a problem at work. Let me think about that. Well, there was that time that an evil company slash religious organization occupied our town and I threw their leader through a portal. I do feel I handled that situation very well. And that guy ended up fine anyway. Oh, maybe a better example. I'm the one who set up the birthday card rotation at the bank I work at. I was proud of that too. What did I do this year to expand my knowledge? Wow, that's a fun one. Obviously the answer is nothing. Learning while not illegal is socially frowned upon. Can't get me to admit to that, but good try. Oh, you want to know about the three-year gap on my resume in the 90s? Totally understandable. I was in prison for bank robbery. Just one of those things. Banks really do not like it. No. What are my feelings on absolute secrecy? That's a new one. I usually don't get that one in job interviews, so I didn't practice for it, if I'm honest. I wish I had known you'd ask that. Well, the bank I work at doesn't know I'm also the one who robbed it back in the 90s, so I've kept that secret. Please don't tell them, by the way. You get used to not talking in this town, as I'm sure you know. Or maybe you don't. Were you raised here? Oh, you're just kind of giving me an arched eyebrow, which could mean anything. Kind of looks like a Boston eyebrow. Are you from Boston? Oh, now you're humming green sleeves, which is a classic Cincinnati thing, so that answers that. And yes, I'm okay with secrecy, although I don't love keeping things from my family. Oh, you have a sample problem to solve. How many windows are in New York City? Ooh, that's a fun one. Let's talk it out. There are a lot of buildings in New York City, and all of those buildings have a lot of windows, so I'd have to say just a ton of windows. Is that right? Yes? Cool. Am I not tall or am I not short? Well, I've always been told that I'm not tall, but if I'm honest, I like to think of myself as not short. Thanks for asking. Oh, this question wasn't in any of the interview guides. Okay, this one is a little complicated, so I'm just going to repeat the question back to you to make sure I got it right. Have I ever seen a dark planet of awesome size, lit by no sun, an invisible titan, all thick black forests and jagged mountains and deep turbulent oceans, a monster spinning soundless, forgotten? Did I get that right? Great. The answer is no, I have not. Do I have any questions for you? Just a few, I guess. What does the labyrinth logo on all those trucks mean? And what's inside all these glowing crates? Can I look at one? Oh, goody. Let me just take out my crowbar. Oh, no worries, I always carry one with me. Better to be prepared than be disfair, as my mother always used to say. Okay, and that's open and... oh, oh my. The end of the year. The end of the December monologues. But it is not the end of all there is to say. More will be said. Though, in some other year. Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner and Brie Williams and produced by Disparition. The voice of the faceless old woman is Mara Wilson. The voice of Michelle Nguyen is Kate Jones. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at Disparition.Bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at WelcomeToNightVale.com. Or follow us on Blue Sky at Night Vale Radio. Or on Instagram, Tumblr and TikTok at Night Vale Official. Or stand on your roof and offer to debate God. Most importantly, check out WelcomeToNightVale.com, where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. We are off next month, so now is a great time to catch up on our other shows, like Unlicensed, Good Morning Night Vale and Within the Wires. Today's proverb, the owls are not what they seem, but deer sure are. They are the most deer looking deer you could imagine. Like wow, look at those deer. We are off next month, so now is a great time to catch up on our other shows, like Unlicensed, Good Morning Night Vale and Within the Wires. We are off next month, so now is a great time to catch up on our other shows, like Unlicensed, Good Morning Night Vale and Within the Wires. We are off next month, so now is a great time to catch up on our other shows, like Unlicensed, Good Morning Night Vale and Within the Wires. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial Best Friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow tri-hosts Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders as we dissect all of the cool, squishy and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale. Remember the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind the scenes stories. Good Morning Night Vale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.