#734 - DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. It's Red Band, come to your live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony HinchCliff! Guys, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee! Brain Red Band! What's up? The best Sam Band in the land, everybody! Come on! Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Bel Grande, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and that's D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow! What an exciting night we have ahead of us. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so excited about this one. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. An engineer around the corner, whenever you need, British gas have over 6,000 on route at speed. Using lights that won't light or have started to blink, a pipe with a leak, and that weird smell under the sink. If your boilers can put and your blue fur needs a rinse, we've got your back to stop that cold water wince. You don't need to be a customer, we can help you too, taking care of things. It's what British gas do. T-Sensee Supply, 6,000 engineers correct us of Jan 2026. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I bring up two of the funniest human beings on planet earth to join us. We are coming off hot of what I truly believe is our greatest episode ever with Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawlings. Tonight, I present to you another first time duo on panel. One of them has one of the newest specials on Netflix, Wet Heat. The other is Kill Tony Royalty, being one of the most used and loved Golden Ticket winners ever. Yet he's never been on panel before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dusty Slay and Martin Phillips. Yeah, Dusty! Welcome Dusty. Martin Phillips. Fuck yeah. This episode brought to you by Shopify. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is our first time working together, Dusty. Yes it is. We were eating lobster rolls upstairs, having a good old time. I'm excited for you to be here. Dusty has Wet Heat out on Netflix. The podcast we're having a good time and he's on tour at Dustyslay.com, one of the best comedians working today. Thank you, Tony. Welcome. I like this panel we have here. You guys look like a before and after for hair. Martin Phillips, how you doing down there? I'm good. I'm here. Hell yeah. I started just doing a minute. Now I'm on panel. Now I'm the captain now. Oh, there it is. That's why he's wearing the hat. Now it all makes sense. You're captain Phillips. Me and Martin did a show together 10 years ago at an Italian restaurant in Portsmouth, Virginia. And now here we are. Wow. Look at that. From Phil Tony to Kill Tony. An Italian restaurant to here. Captain Phillips. I came prepared because I knew I'd be up on stage the whole night. So to make sure my head is staying straight, I have a mirror. What? Oh, he's got a mirror. To make sure his head is straight. You also have a corn cob pipe. Yeah. I don't know. I can't keep in there still. So it's a big hard. The coke's been spilling off in the back. Party machine Martin Phillips, Dusty Sleys, first time on this show. Dusty, if you don't know, over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all slammed together in a bar next door. If I pull one of their names out like I'm doing right now, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's just a loud noise that interrupts them. I conduct an interview. We sit back. We learn more about the people and we talk to them all together. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Yeah. While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner to start us off with a brand new minute. This is his first time cashing in on his golden ticket. He won it just a few weeks ago when he came out. Blind is a bat and impressed us all. Ladies and gentlemen, the first golden ticket appearance by Chris Silio, everybody. Here he comes. What up? All right, I had to make sure. I fucking just moved here. I moved from Miami. I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life. Now I really don't know where the fuck I am. It's like I'm in a part of a video game that hasn't loaded yet. It sucks that I'm the only guy in here that just gets stuck like a Roomba. Like if I don't tap, tap, tap and find the exit, I'm just going to stand there and beep until somebody picks me up. Like home. Home, please. I have to shit. You don't know how long you can hold in a shit into your me. And you never know where another bathroom is ever going to be, dude. You're like, well, I guess I'm never going to shit again. It sucks that like I'm the only guy in here that has to send his dick pics to his boys first for approval. Yeah, I gotta be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, is this a good one? And then they get to be like, why is your dog in the shot, Chris? Were you aiming for all balls by chance? This is just half your cock and not the good half. It's all root. Nobody wants all root. Thank you guys very much. Yeah. Chris Ceeleo. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show, Chris. This time this way, right? Yeah, we're over here. There's speakers everywhere. It could be easily confusing. I love that you opened up with the line, what up? Because you literally don't know. And then I thought of something when you were talking about taking a shit, I realized, how do you know when you're done wiping? Do blind guys... God damn it, Tony. Do blind guys smell the toilet paper? You smell your hand. D-Bandis, let's get out of here, dude. We don't have to take this, dude. Somebody walk us out of here, dude. No. We've kidnapped both of your handlers. You're going to be here for the rest of the night. I'm going to bring a little porta-potty up here. I'm fascinated that Chris had observational jokes. I don't know how I touched Chris a lot in the back, because I wanted him to know that I was talking to him. I didn't know how blind he was, if that makes sense. I don't know if that's a fencing... 100%. Don't worry. I don't think you can ask. I agree completely. It's always different. Some people have a little bit of this, some people have a little bit of that. Him and D-Madness, right behind you, completely 100% blind. Not a single thing to be seen between them. Party time, everybody. I love it. So, Chris, how's life been going since your last appearance? It's been super fun, dude. Going comedy around Austin. I've been navigating Austin alone, which is terrifying. I had a pretty much homeless Uber driver the other day. They all are, but yeah. I don't think it was an Uber. I kind of think it's less scary to not see as you're walking. Yeah, it might actually be better for you. If you could see what's going on out there, you might move somewhere else. Don't go blind again. How do you navigate around by yourself? Explain that to us. Yeah, I take a lot of Ubers. This guy was literally like... I am just fumbling my way through homeless encampments, avoiding HIV and... Stabbings. Aren't we all? I kicked the guy's cup the other day and all of his change fell out. Oh. It's like all of the money I think he owned. How much was it? Could you tell from the sound? Amazing stuff. So, Chris, tell us what do you do with the rest of your days? Like, what else goes on? I just jerk off a lot. All right. Look at that. Red Band, you can go blind any day now. No, I need... What are you jerking at, too, really? I wonder, like, is it feels? Are you thinking about feels? I mean, these are real questions, right? Yes, this is a great question. Morgan Freeman's daughter, like somebody has a great voice. Yeah, I just... What do you think about? Can you picture things? I go to Pornhub, man. I got a computer, you know? You just kind of listen to them? Yeah, I do just listen to it, but I can't, like, listen to a blowjob video. Right. Yeah, because to me, it's... It's just slurping and gagging. It's not very accessible, you know? It could be a dude sucking that dude's dick. I wouldn't... I wouldn't really know, you know? Like, that's just... that's just gay. Speak for yourself. Amazing stuff, Chris. Do you ever go on dates? What's that like? Yeah, I don't... I don't go on a lot of dates. I gotta take girls to, like, different restaurants, different dates, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I don't think it's fair that I go to a restaurant unless we're both blindfolded. You know? I don't think it's cool that you just get to watch me eat steak with my hands, you know? Yeah. God's chopsticks, all right? But I, like... I'll take a girl like an escape room. Oh. Hell yeah. And just see how she handles adversity, you know? Let's get some prom solving skills going, you know? I love it. I love it, Chris. Other than jerking off and stand-up comedy, though, I mean, you must have, like, some hobby or something, right? Uh, I can play some video games while blind. No way. Yeah, yeah, there's, like, games that... And that blows people's mind. They immediately think, all right, he's faking, and I'm like, no, I play video games very badly. I'll just run into a wall for, like, an hour and just be like, I'm gonna get it! You know what I'm like? God damn it, I'm gonna beat this level! You're really just pushing buttons, right? Yeah, my brother has the controller unplugged, yeah. Are you close with your brother? Yeah, yeah, he moved out here with us, too. Nice, and he's... and he can see? That would suck! Yeah, it seemed like a... it was a genetic thing, though, right? What you had, or...? I was just born, like, with fucked up eyes. Like, it was just, I just rolled bad, you know? Like... Huh. Well, you're pretty annoyed right away. Just rolled them right back. Yeah. I was born with a lot of fucked up eyes, so... Yeah, no... I had, like, weird things, like, over my eyes, I didn't even know if I had eyes. In every other country, me and Martin were river babies. You know? We're being stoned! They're like, oh, this is a do-over baby, okay! We're dead! Well, we live in America, so we're here right now, Martin, all right? Boom. Absolutely. The American dream. Well, Chris, it was a great set. Great, amazing stuff. Well-written. You really crossed your eyes and dotted your T's. It was amazing. Red Band? I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday, man. Look at that! Another real gig for Chris C. Leo. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. We were just kidding. There's your handler. Look at him. Somehow, seeming more blind than the blind guy. Just a super confused handler. Can we get a handler for his handler? Did someone to guide his handler? All right, folks, this is it. The bread and butter of the show to the bucket we go, where anything can happen, where we've met every single comedian who's ever been on this show, and it goes like this. Ladies and gentlemen, 60-Second Son Interrupted for Pete Garza, everybody. We're gonna meet Pete Garza. I tried a glory hole for the first time. I don't get why you wouldn't just shit in the toilet. That other guy was fucking pissed. Got on his shoes. I gotta stop going to strip clubs. I got in an argument with the stripper the last time I went. She wanted me to pay her $100 because I came in my pants. I was like, bitch! I came in with that! It's not even my cum! You don't know! You dumb fucking slut! I did still pay her the money, though, because I wanted to have sex with her. But, hey, you guys know me. I always fuck with two condoms. I'm not gonna fuck with two condoms. I'm not gonna fuck with two condoms. Not even scared of pregnancy or STDs. I just hate the way that pussy feels. My name is Pete Garza. Thank you so much. All right. Pete Garza. I liked it. You're a wild boy. How old are you, Pete? I know this. I'm 24 next month. Okay. All right. So you're 23. Yes. I believe so. Perfect. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, I know this one, too. You don't have to say that before every end. I'm sorry. About a year and a half. Right? Yeah, he was around the time Fluky the Rat died. Okay, Pete. Wow. All right. Who the fuck is Fluky the Rat? What? Who's Fluky the Rat? Oh, he was a rat. He's dead now. Was he a rat? Yeah, you could call him that. Yeah, he lived in a cage in my apartment and stuff. You're an energy you may see uncomfortable. Really hitting the nail on the head with that one. I mean, just acknowledging what we're all feeling right now. It is an odd energy. What do you do for a living with energy like that, Pete? I've been working. I was a caterer for weddings. But I just got another job at Pluckers and also a valet. I got to decide. You have to decide whether you want to work at Pluckers or valet. Big decisions. I know. I also got to find a place to live. Wow. Where do you live now? I'm crashing at a couple of friends' houses. Okay. How much stuff are you lugging around to each place? Oh, well, I got most of my things in Laredo right now, so I just have a couple bags with me. But... I take both jobs. You were a valet at a Pluckers? Or they were separate? No, no. I'm going to be a sur... I'm asking you. I'm sorry. You said you did both jobs. I'm saying you should take both. Oh, I thought you said you did both jobs. Oh, I have. Well, I have. But... Yeah, I think you should take both jobs. I think you should really, really start working. You don't have a place to live. I know. It's very scary. Where are you from? I'm from Laredo originally, down south. How long have you lived in Austin? Five years. Five years? Have you ever had your own place? Yeah, yeah. I moved here with my ex-girlfriend to go to UT. That did not work out. Really? Oh, shit. No, I called it. Yeah, no, I dropped... It was during COVID, so I dropped out after a year. I had a full ride. How'd you have a full ride? I was... Believe it or not, I was very smart back then. I had like a... Yeah. No, I had like a 15... I think we're all going with not. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think the strip club is the right move for you. I agree. You're having some financial issues, it sounds like. Yeah. Yeah, well, I used to be doing pretty good. I was a valet at like a really nice resort, but I got fired from that. Why'd you get fired? I was late a lot. And they gave me so many chances. It was really my fault. Wow. Do you have a car? Yes. What kind of car do you have? Mazda 6. I like the car a lot. Wow. It's really pretty. It's blue. I like it's comfortable. And it's reliable. It's fun to drive. Okay, that's enough. Yeah. All right, Pete. What's something surprising about your life that we could never guess about you? Oh, this happened recently. I almost had a threesome with a married couple, but then they asked me for a picture of my dick and they told me that it was too big. So they... Wow. Prove it. No. No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No. They took my phone. Right. That's what I would say, too, if I was in your position. How big are you? Like that. Like, actually, like 20 centimeters. What? All right, very, very good. Okay, how big are you? I think that's like eight inches. Wow, look at that. Someone would get a full ride if they hooked up with you. You have good girth or is it like a pencil? Okay, great. Jesus Christ. We get your little silly thing in there and then you just have to push it to the limit. What is the girth like on it? All right. All right. Elon, I... We don't really care. It's just a thing we do where he goes over the line and then I pretend like I'm mad at him but then I follow it up with the thing and there's a whole highlight reel of these things. Did you have both condoms on in the pic? That's a good question. How big are you before you start wrapping multiple condoms around a three and a half? Yeah, I don't know, man. I just... I like the tightness of it all. Uh-huh. All right, well... You're a weird guy. He really is. He really is. But a decent set, Pete. As wacky as you are and as odd as you are in the interview portion. I liked your set tonight. Here's a big jokebook. There you go. All right. All right. There he goes. There he goes, everybody. Pete Garza. Uh-oh. I know what that sound means. It's the lovely Heidi, everybody. She's got a new website, HeidiRegina.com. How exciting. Booker, are you ready for the drop? Cause on the beach you're dropping Fuka five-star holiday for 2026 and you get a free loan jagsess book so get booking note Conditions apply seven night minimum stay outbound only from selected airports for up to six people subject to lounge availability Excludes cruises after an atoll protected. All right, your next bucket pull everybody goes by the name of Jim tally Here we go. Jim talish Yeah, how y'all doing tonight? Fuck yeah, I want to talk about Elon Musk tonight, man Uh, yeah, I don't I don't like the guy, you know, I don't like how he's trying to take humans to mars You know, I'm black. I'm not going right Look, maybe it's just my black anxiety speaking and I just I don't want to run the risk of getting in no space slave rocket To be taking unknown lands, you know You know, I'm saying where you gonna stick us in the back of the rocket next to the thrusters and shit Smelling the gas leaking shit. Fuck that. All right That's not nasa. That's nasa. All right. I mean I'm gonna need to see a return ticket or something what I'm trying to say But no, I will give him some credit though. I don't think uh, I think he got a lot of flak for that, uh, nazi salute They say he did I don't think it was a nazi salute Because I watched a lot of the historical footage and uh, the nazi salute. It's a lot more zesty than that I'm serious. You know Hitler was on some gay shit, you know So how many straight men you ever seen do this? Zeke high all right My name's Jim tally guys, you know Jim tally Great set fresh off of almost beating a pro wrestler to death this weekend No better place to come hide out from the police Yes, sir. Yes, sir. At the mothership. You are profusely sweating Yo, I was walking here and apparently uh, they called me and I was still outside the building so I fucking jet it here I'm black. So I got here fast. Oh my goodness gracious. It is incredible. You are soaking wet You look like you were just in a water park. Do you ever go to water parks? What do you think Tony now, I bet you don't I don't swim. I don't like to swim. I don't like deep water At all Martin Phillips the captain's here You got me I am the captain now now Wow Jim you've been on this show before correct? Yeah, yeah, boss two three months ago. Okay remind us. What do you do for work? I'm a merchandiser for a international beverage company. Whoa. Yeah, I practice that backstage. Okay Sounds great. I am afraid of how sweaty you are. It scared me and I didn't want to say anything But I don't want to go to mars either. I'm with you. You dusty slate. Yeah. Oh shit. Hell yeah, all right I see you. I'm a big fan in this whole place. That's what I'm talking about Little respect there. I've seen him up in North Dakota. Uh, yeah, yeah, dusty's the man Well, I think dusty meat ashy. Just kidding Just kidding. It's the opposite of ashy. He's a self-moisturizing machine. It's absolutely incredible Amazing so jim, what do you do for fun? Uh, I do this shit. Um, I work out a lot Uh, practice voices from time to time What type of workout studio are you out there lifting heavy white women? Yeah, I do look like a fuck white hose but now She's light skins, but yeah, but anyways, but now I uh, I like uh powerlifting and shit, you know I like to I want to be able to be in uh movies one day. So I want to be able to be in shape for that shit Wow, okay What else have you been doing to prepare for this possible movie career? Uh, practicing monologues and you know, again voices and accents and all of that shit out, which I am kind of good at I'd like to hear a voice. Yeah me too. Yeah, let's hear some of these voices or accents. All right Hello, like hello guys. Um, my name is jim All right As you lot can tell I'm not from here That's pretty good. I'm into I've got a few tricks for you a lot tonight and I'm gonna do them You're gonna laugh and then I'm gonna go Wow, you know what? I was gonna arrest you but I'm gonna give you a warning instead Wow What else do we got? What else do we got up our sleeves over there? Do me? No, don't do don't do Martin He's thinking don't do Martin Oh, what else do I do? Oh I could do an African accent. Yeah Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah I actually was practicing this year earlier. Um, I was thinking what if I like what if I was uh to narrate a documentary about your life Me? Yeah, okay. You know in an African accent. Absolutely. Okay. Let's hear it. All right. Here we go Yeah, he's 20 Hey gay mine You know what I changed my mind you're under arrest You son of a bitch how dare you? Oh, yeah. No, I just said like that. That's so fun. Jim. I love that What else about your life? Tell us more Jim. You have a girlfriend you said? Yes. Yes, I do. What does she do? Oh, she's a personal trainer actually. Wow So she's in good shape. Exactly Amazing how long you've been with her? Uh five years now. Did you meet her at the gym? No, I didn't actually met on hinge The dating app designed to be deleted. Thanks Amazing it worked for me. Where'd you go on your first date? Oh, she came to my house actually for our first day and we went like walking around the park and shit and uh That's about it was very boring. I saw our first time meeting each other Did you hook up after that on that first? No, she she she wasn't trying to do it. She's a good girl, Tony Right. Well, you were probably also drenched in sweat You were probably wetter than she was on that first time She was like, uh-uh nigga, right? Like Now she just a light-skinned black woman or is she mixed 50 50? No, she's like, well, she's all she's everything She's all she's trinidadian Belize, you know what she's under arrest too I don't like the answers i'm getting here Wow, jim you ever have a near-death experience? um Yeah, no, come on Oh Near-death. Yeah, I mean Kind of almost died but I had to get I had an abscess that got infected and it was closing up my tubes. It was kind of Let me ask you a different question. Yeah, I didn't I didn't like that. What scares you. What are you afraid of? What genu- knives knives tell me more about knives. I'm scared of knives because I got circumcised in Africa when I was 16 Whoa in African circumcision that sounds like the near-death experience I was hesitant on saying it but yeah My goodness they use a knife a regular knife on 16 year old Africans when they need like a samurai sword or something like that Butter knife a machete Now more like a machete. Uh, my dad actually got his cut with a machete. Really because like I did my shit St. John One two three not uh Quotits but not anyway What do you remember about that that had to be totally traumatizing a 16 year old going in for a circumcision Yeah, it was uh, December 25th, 2009 on Christmas Wow Exactly. Uh, no, I got eight shots of anesthesia You got what I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick eight shots of anesthesia They went around four times. Uh, they checked and I could still feel it and then they went around another four Listen, I ain't gonna lie like I couldn't scream because my dad told me not to be a bitch But my dick let out like a Like my dick was done. You know, is this when you started doing voices Yeah, my dick was the first one To us defust thank you But uh, my dick grew um, it got bigger after that it did it's swelling It's really good scarring so now I got ripped for her pleasure and shit. So hell. Yeah naturally Absolutely, I'll take that back. Don't show down to you. Okay. Amazing. I want to show this to my mom when she's watching this. Sorry mom That's right Where's your mom watching from? Where's she at? Oh right now? She's in south florida Okay, and she took you for the 16 year old circumcision. No, I did that myself You just went on your own. I asked the doctor Uh, I just made sure that uh, my sister could take me to the actual hospital, but now I did that myself It was cheap. It was like 30 99 plus second. Wow Look at that Eight shots of anesthesia and your sister took you. Yes, sir. Her name's also anesthesia Close it's niasa. So yeah, really? Yeah, wow Incredible Well, jim telly fun times fun set. I think uh, I think you did it you get a big joke book last time Well, then there you go. Keep working on it. Come back again jim telly Look at this We're having a good time, which is also the name of dusty slice podcast And it's also what's happening right now All right, your next bucket pool looks Like a new one make some noise for hal sadi everybody hal sadi Thank you. I got circumcised in Costa Rica I uh, I used to sound like a girl when I was growing up Then my balls dropped now. I sound like a woman I It's actually one of the reasons people would call me gay. So I stopped talking Yeah, they can't call you a sissy if you don't say anything. Oh, yes, they can So I stopped talking I stopped smiling I stopped fucking dudes What else does a guy need to do, you know All right, I uh, I guess that's that's all I wanted to do Uh meow, huh? So another 15 seconds if you got anything else. Oh, let's see. Um I uh I'm not a political guy But uh, actually my liberal friends. They annoying me a lot and my conservative friends They annoying me just as much but what I think is cool about that is that you all thought I had friends. So Thank you. There it is. How Oh, yeah, how Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? Yes. How long you've been on stand-up about six years over a span of 12 12 years okay I quit a couple times right. Yeah, right. What made you quit? I got I got tired of like repeating my jokes and I I started doing improv and I thought that was fun. It was then what happened then I like stand up more Right, and here you are you live in Austin now. Yes, sir for how long? About three years. Okay. You moved here for stand-up. Yeah, okay. How's it going? It's been pretty good What do you do for work? I'm a web developer Okay, yeah, how long you've been doing that about 13 years and you're fully employed I'm self-employed. Yeah, okay. Yeah. All right. Perfect. How's Saudi? What's the name house? Saudi what what is that? So it's uh, my my name is actually Halil. I shortened it and it's uh, arabic Okay, yeah, what kind of arabic? My family's Lebanese. Oh, okay. Yeah, very cool. I love it Do you always open your set with that circumcision joke or was that no, I was just roughing on the guy. I thought it was a weird coincidence Did you do it at Costa Rica or yeah, I grew up in Costa Rica. Oh, okay. So you really did Yeah Interesting was there anything odd about your circumcision? I was a baby. So they do it differently in Costa Rica Um, they probably ate it. I don't know How's your girth? Okay Red band come on It's pretty thin Interesting so tell us something uh, interesting about your life Hal. Um, I hear the sounds of flies in my head Okay All right, explain that a little bit better for us. Um In Costa Rica, there's a lot of bugs. So I always hated that so when I moved here I uh, I always make There's there's one rule in my house, it's always to close the door because that's how they get it right Okay, that's how they get in you hear these flies all the time. Yeah You hear them right now. Yeah, really? Yeah. Well because of the noise. Yeah, but seriously, you don't you like I sometimes I get PTSD from it because if there was a time like multiple flies got into my house and I just kept getting like Like looking all over the place hearing flies. Yeah Wow, so you hear them when they're there It's actually a positive thing. Yeah. Yeah, I sometimes yeah, I think we all suffer from that We need medication or something or what was that you need medication or something. I think so. Yeah You married you have a girlfriend I'm married. Yeah married you have kids. No kids just two dogs two dogs Okay, you love your dogs. I love my dog. What kind of dogs do you have they're mods? They're uh ones like uh, they're both pit bull mixes All right. Yeah, that's a ticking time bomb There must be more to you how what else you have any big passions you collect like melocomotives or something I do like trains. Yeah, uh I uh Trying to think uh You know what what I I think I had like stuff that I would prepare and then when I got here They all it just went away. They just flew out of your head The flies. Yeah, with the flies I um Do you like fire trucks more than trains? Okay Do I look autistic that's why A little bit touch little touch. Okay, red band. All right All right, how well here's the uh, here's a medium sized joke book. There he goes. How's Sadi? All right All right We're having fun you guys having fun out there Here's another bucket pool for us ladies and gentlemen make some noise for trip Callahan everyone trip Callahan Oh my god guys, I saw target they got in trouble for selling tuck friendly bikinis to children I guess like a bikini with a little pouch where you can tuck the dick And uh at first I thought yeah at first I thought it was weird, but then I realized it was probably even more weird to be against it Because basically what you're saying if your son's wearing a bikini then I want to see the cock Yeah, dude your key can't be trans unless it's fucking swinging But uh, I got weird opinions on everything. I got something race matters a lot like for example a white lab. That's a great dog A black lab is also a great dog, but a chinese lab that will shut down the world economy I I am against racism though like there's nothing I love more than when a racist gets poetic justice Like whenever I see a racist white chick, I always secretly hope she gets fat Yeah, because then she has to fuck black dudes, so I I Check Callahan great set welcome trip. Thank you How long you've been doing stand-up I didn't like once a year in college, but like four years four years. We're at Uh Pittsburgh and then here awesome. How long have you been here like year and a half or so awesome? What do you do for work? H. E. B. Bro In the good lords we trust The one true god who watches over us lord h. E. B. We were literally talking about it Before the show in the green room if you're wondering what we're talking about We're talking about fucking little h. E. B. Tricks that people don't even know red band Would you like to tell the crowd what you informed us here just this evening not even Fucking an hour ago, you know if you buy crabs or snow crab legs You just take them to them and they will boil it for you with a different kind of seasoning for free while you're shopping So if you get crabs or lobsters you go, you know what now cook it for me While I go shop i'm gonna come back and pick up the crab legs the way I fucking want them But I mean I wouldn't recommend talking to the people like this, but it's more like in your head You know what I mean? I'm gonna like please and thank you in real life, but in your head, you know, they're just fucking cookin' them for you It's unbelievable. Is this a true fact do you work at h. E. B. Yeah, dude. I work in like produce I got like happy gilmore's job basically. Wow Incredible so tell us more about your life at h. E. B. We love h. E. B. It's a dream sponsor It's I'm sure it's right around the corner Well, it's not that bad actually I like I'm stocking shelves are moving around pallets And then sometimes they put me in the back with like the mexicans and I chop up fruit and stuff Oh, okay. Yeah, sounds racist, but it all checks out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm like the only white person on my team. So it rules. Yeah, of course Let me ask you something. There was a very controversial case a young man a young autistic boy recently Was working at a grocery store and they caught him eating a little bit of the what they call What would they call that go backs or like uh the fruit cups or something? It was like uh, it was like outdated. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah kind of stuff I once worked at a grocery store when I was 16 years old giant eagle in young staggo Croger guy, we remember both of these places very clearly to Ohio based extremely prolific grocery stores Nowhere near to the good lords at h. E. B. But How do you bend the rules you ever take an old magazine? You uh, because there's a lot of things that go on at grocery stores that you people don't even think about you non GS well, we we can take like I do like we we can take like the fruit. We just have to say we're sampling it So we're like can give the customer a better experience So you're kind of allowed to at h. E. B. Which rules a lot better than whatever the fuck that Do you remember what that one was? No, I don't oh wait was uh, I do I do almost remember is uh No, no, no, no, no, it doesn't really matter, but yeah No, it was uh, what was it? That was Yes, I got caught shopping very controversial You got caught shoplifting. Yeah, what did you shop? embarrassing thing I ever uh, it was no it was uh, what's fucking what's that ghostbusters 2 soundtrack and One of the polo after all albums, I guess there was two different ones. It was the red one. I think look at that I thought I was the gay one on this show So what do I have to gain weight to balance this we're supposed to play our characters Unbelievable wow So uh, tell us more about h. E. B. Tell us the the the what we clean right? Yeah, it's pretty clean Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's it's kind of just uh, like manual labor job. It's not that hard, but no we don't we know Yeah, dude. Yeah But uh But I mean I I like it it's bad. I worked in sales before I hated that dude, so I actually don't mind it It's not that funny. Sorry guys Dusty, what well, I would just want like you like you dress like adam sandler and you have the job of happy gilmore There are other adam sandler things you do in your life. Yeah, is it true that you're still in fourth grade? Reading level, but yeah Dude, I play golf. I think that's adam sandler. Yeah, that counts. Yeah, I'm not good though, dude. I love it Okay Trip what else what else about you tell us something crazy about your life that makes you different than everybody else Well, I knew uh when I was growing up. I knew a guy who tried to become a serial killer Ooh, tell us more. He only got the two. He like failed. He got caught Two's not bad though He was like he went to the other high school in my area. He was like this fat Jewish rapper Um, and he would he would show up at parties in like freestyle or whatever. He wasn't good, but like But uh, then like when we went off to college, he started doing heroin um, and he like took more than the recommended dose or whatever so Yeah, he uh, he OD'd They bring them back and uh, and like his brain was all fucked up. I also turned him into like a gay homosexual Ah That's what happened to me. Yeah He wasn't happy about it man. Because like imagine you're doing heroin Which is like awesome and the next time you wake up like you can't come without getting fucked in the ass. So Whoa, yeah So then so then he was like really mad. Oh, he started killing gay guys. That's who he was killing. Yeah other gay guys Yeah, but gay guys he went on dates with yeah. Yeah. Well, the one was not really like this is like revenge A little bit. Well, the one guy he met on a dating app. This is how he got caught He ubered the guy's house walked in shot him walked back out ubered home So I I think it left like a paper trail or something. I don't know heroin. Wow bad date. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Amazing. I can't believe the Jewish serial killer used uber and not lift Good point Dollars more. Yeah, he didn't tip the guy much. I don't yeah Incredible Trip is your real name. No, my real name is Joseph. I've been called Tripp since I was a baby. Why did they call you trip? Uh, because I'm like the third so like triple. It's like a black dude's name like trey. It's sometimes the same thing Oh, yeah, totally the same thing I don't know Martin trips all the time everybody calls it Martin I should be tripped I should be trained I love it trip. Well, you had a great set. It was a very fun very fun interview great stuff, man Here's a big joke book come back sign up again trip Callahan All right, let's do something special here everyone You may have been paying attention to this storyline, but a couple months ago I lost A real big Texas hold'em heads up poker match And I have to finish paying off my debt. This is my final debt is this spot I'm gonna bring to this stage a very funny man. He's just starting out in stand-up comedy But he is literally the number one ranked heads up Texas hold'em poker player in the world He lives here in Austin, Texas makes some noise for his second ever minute on kill tony. This is Doug poke everybody Doug poke I'm a professional poker player, but this show changed my life Since my first appearance My dms have been flooded With dick pics Tony can you please stop? I have a wife and kids and besides I only asked for one I was at the store the other day and was denied beer because apparently you can't buy alcohol before 10 a.m. In Texas It's a dumb law, right? But the crazy part these were non-alcoholic beers When you're buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning, you know, you're a pretty serious non-alcoholic You know when I knew I had a late night out drinking when I woke up the next morning could remember everything It's getting pretty bad. I think it might be time to join non-alcoholics anonymous Can you imagine that? Uh, hi everybody. I'm Doug I don't have any problems It's a 0.0 step program. It's just so nice not to take any daily steps. Am I right red band? Big close on the red band the slow head shake from red band always makes me laugh Doug fun time. Sorry about the dick pics That was a fun set Yeah, I heard uh So I came in with the dick pics jokes and then the first guy talked about dick pics and the second guy talked about dick pics I'm like goddamn It's gonna be a tough day every once in a while a premise just goes Through on and on usually it's a jerking off and this and that but that's a special dick pic episode of killtoni I think glory holes have also gotten two mentions here tonight But anything can happen. You never know what's gonna happen. But the non-alcoholics thing interesting, right? Kind of like a normal regular Attempt at a premise like it's it's tricky Is this true that you're addicted to non-alcoholic beer? Well, so I was at the store and we were at like Whole Foods and we were checking out and I go through like I'll be drinking or not drinking and I was like, I'll just grab some non-alcoholic beers and it was 9 48 a.m. At Whole Foods and they're just like, sorry. We can't sell you these Whole Foods This is an h e b exclusive audience even the people visiting of bend the knee to the dark lords of h e b Does Nashville have a killer grocery store? Nashville, I don't think well, you know, we have publics publics is good Oh We're shopping's a pleasure they said Martin, where do you do your shopping? Walmart wow ATB or a I am still kind of poor All right, I wanted to say it's it feels like buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning is a worse problem Than buying regular beer. Yeah, because they're just like why? Yeah They're they're both problems, but they're different. Yeah, but one seems worse to me Yeah, like you like I want to get started, but you know, I got stuff to do Do you ever feel a buzz off a non-alcoholic beers? Uh, no, no, I don't think so No I'm not the actual the expert. I guess I should have maybe clarified that No, it's okay an interesting fun fact about Doug is that he's so good at poker that he's kind of awkward at anything else I don't know if you guys have ever seen like Magnus Carlson talk or anything or really anybody None of them really make many public appearances when you're a freak sabon Fun fact about Doug poke is you have about 10 or 15 minutes to beat him in poker And at that point he's already figured out where you look where you blink what you sound like what you do and every single thing That changes so I know you think that you'd have a chance against him But you really don't but you do in the first 10 or 15 minutes and then after that Yeah, well the the beautiful thing about poker is that there's a lot of luck, right? Because like if you play Magnus Carlson in chess, he's just gonna crush you But in poker anyone can win which is good, but the pro is obviously winning the long run. Yeah, it's freaky Yeah, would you say that you have to know when to hold him and know when to fold him? There's a lot of truth to that song for sure And tell us how like how are you doing? How's poker been going update these people of what your life is like? Yeah, so I'm looking at my worst year ever this year Ah, yeah, I'm down like 700k. Oh, okay only 700 thousand dollars every kill-tory-buff We'll get him there We'll get him there. I know which one's worse 700k. Yeah, no doubt about it. So what is your plan to win back this money? Well, I'm gonna I guess play more poker. Yeah, that's kind of all you got, you know Is there a reason why you're having a bad year? Is it just bad luck? Is it post-flop? Chaos, are you in with the right odds getting your steps in? Are you miss reading? Oh, look who's getting his revenge now that he knows you're down 700k I think a little bit of is I've been kind of focusing more on comedy and stuff like that and You know hanging out with some of the guys here or whatever. Yeah, we're a bad influence. Yeah well, obviously, I'm the one that's doing badly, but I've been hanging out with like uncle laser and oh no You're getting non-alcoholic beer and then hanging out with uncle laser That's even worse even D madness is like i'm out of here dude. Just some bullshit He actually he had me come open for him the other day Uncle laser. Yeah. Yeah, like a show here in austin. Yeah, I put on my nicest wife beater That's great Hell yeah You know what I just realized is chris steeleo on this episode D madness on this episode We have a big blind and a small blind here as well One more thing see the worlds they cross over One angry man just staring at me right into my eyes incredible. He did not like that joke Uh dug fun times. It's a fucking it's a process stand-up comedy You came out and you nailed the joke on me. You closed with the red band thing the non-alcoholic. I agree with dusty I think that it's worth examining kind of like flipping that That makes sense like flipping your take on it because it seems like you would be the craziest human being Buying non-alcoholic beer that early in the morning like you're trying to really chase some demon Yeah, but not at the same time and 700 k, you know, sometimes you got to know when to walk away and no No wonder run, you know But dug it's been fun. We had fun playing poker that night Then you're a great human being and very very fun to watch make sure you check out his streams of whatnot very entertaining like a freak athlete This guy beats the shit out of everybody Even though he's 700 k in the hole But he's won millions of millions of millions before so it sounds a lot sadder than it actually is Are we still having fun out there everybody? We're going back to the bucket everyone make some noise for matt cambell matt cambell Hello, I'm english or as you lot like to call me gay Thank you for that I had expectations when I came to this country guys Everything I learned about you lot is filtered through the media you send my way So when I was coming up high school musical coming out What the fuck was that? An all-white basketball team won a state championship Fuck right off I was also disappointed the sequel didn't involve a school shooting scene I was completely unprepared for these high school drills guys you have to understand I didn't know a shit about basketball Fuck me sideways But that's South African which means I'm genetically racist But he has a poster of van de la That's been my time The cat was a little out there would you say your dad is he's South African. Okay. All right. Welcome. Welcome. Uh How long you been on stand-up? Almost five years all of it in England. No, I started in America colorado. Okay. What made you start in colorado? nasty breakup So you fell in love with an American girl. I did move to colorado. I know and how long were you in colorado? I know that you know i'm just i'm just Keeping everybody together so the interview makes sense here He's just peeling me apart. I'm sorry So how did you meet this American girl? Oh, no, no, no, I moved out here well before that my dad got a job when I was 15 And then I moved out here with him. He's not brave or anything. He's not in the military. He's just like a tech support guy We know he's English South African if he was paying attention But he but he's a citizen of England, right? No, so he's just in England. He's american now Oh, he lives in america. He went from south africa to america. Yes. How did you end up in england? Uh, my mother's vagina How did your dad end up in your mother's vagina if that was in england? He worked very very hard Did he visit england a lot right? So your dad's been in england. Oh, yeah, no, yeah, we never lived there. No, we lived there for a while But he never he never he never has made the creed two minutes You little fucking smirmy british bastard Coming in to have your moment british comedian kills kills honey Blah blah blah blah blah Look at this clip you son of a bitch All right, so matt what do you do for work? Uh valet w hotel. Wow the debbie hotel You know, you're not also picking up shifts at uh at a cluckers No, but they they desperately needed a diversity hire and uh, I was the best they could get of course Everybody loves that wacky accent So you're a valet a job that absolutely will be taken over by robots in no time. Uh, I'm sorted What's your big goal? Hi, what are you gonna do you focus on stand-up? You do a lot of spots? Yeah, you love it I'm uh going to houston next month for the other than that pretty good right now. What are you doing in houston? Uh, I've got a apparently a drug show I don't do a lot of drugs, but I'm prepared. What are they gonna make you do smoke the devils lettuce? Yes, frequently. Wow. You my dad likes to call it the wacky backie. That's pretty fun. Wow He's old. He's like near 70. Wow Those south africans they just fucking They age like black dudes. It's great. It's amazing. They are from africa. Yes Did you spend any time in south africa? Yeah, couple couple trips. Yeah, do you ever hear flies inside your head? No, no, no never never flies inside my head, but I remember one trip I went to visit my grandmother and the most vivid memory I have of her is just her walking up to me and squashing a chameleon In front of me when I was four. Wow. Yeah, just with a big rock six-year-old grandma Were you playing with the chameleon? No, I was just looking at it. Wow Stragic, but you were looking at it enjoying it. Yeah, I was happy in that moment And she could see it. Yeah She knew That's all the chameleon that's it's fault. Well Martin Martin if you know anything about south africa, it was definitely the wrong color, right? That sounds like your grandma goes after a lot of chameleons. Yes. Yeah Different colors I Matt Campbell tell us something else wacky about your life matt. I went to an all-boys catholic school in the uk Okay Hitting the old pipe celebrating his victory No So this girl in colorado she broke your heart. Yeah, tell us about it. How did she break your heart? She had a fat ass Oh Hell yeah I'm fine those in england. No They look and sound like me tonic. Oh, I know. Yeah, I know we were just there How was it? Do you enjoy it? No? Literally hated everything about it worst week of our lives. Yeah, it was the worst Were you thinking about doing comedy before the breakup or did you just run right out and do it? I've always kind of liked comedy, but I never got the balls. She discouraged it. Yeah. No, she uh It's not that she discouraged anything. It's just I sort of Found nothing to care about after she gave that sweet pussy update How did she let you know that she was breaking up with you? Oh, I found out she was texting a dude named grandma Oh Wow turns out that grandma was crushing chameleons too. I know Wow Wow Damn the old naughty grandma She might as well have been She was a little bit older than me. So she had it saved in her phone under grandma It was under grandma. What what kind of text was she sending to grandma filthy? Yeah filthy You were you at first like is this how you talk to your grandmother? No, I I genuinely I genuinely felt like Americans do with their grandparents I genuinely felt like Sherlock Holmes when I figured it out And then realized I'd been retarded the whole time just not You're like your grandma's up late This grandma is really horny at 2 a.m Was there a specific texture moment where you really figured it out? Yes? Seven o'clock in the morning. Yeah, what was it? It was it was may 19th 2021 brutal Yes brutal just got out of the shower and she'd left her phone on the side And grandma said so when are you coming over? And coming was not spelled properly Wow Yeah It was spelled Yeah, I'm not sure you made the right move here Yeah, this sounds when are you coming over? I mean That's not as dirty as I was expecting two a.m. Is right Well, I got I'm from Alabama. I got relatives that can't spell I mean that's not the worst misspelling I've seen Matt Matt Matt so how did you handle this situation? You uh, did you just Had a quick spaz immediately gave up and then just started doing comedy. Did she admit it? Uh, not immediately because she was like staring at bible quotes, but like after we figured that out, you know She was staring at bible quotes. We took jesus out of it. Yeah Out of the argument What do you mean exactly? Well, like in the moment when I found her Cheating on me her phone. She was reading the bible. Oh, yeah. Oh, that is the reddest flag humanly possible So how did she talk to jesus? I Wow My goodness, did she have any text messages with jesus in her phone? Perhaps I fucking hope not Fucking hope not Incredible matt well fun times my friend. You're doing it. You're chasing the American dream. Got that, right? Congratulations, there's a big joke book. There he goes matt Campbell everyone I'm english, but my folder's south african. I mean formal Dppp All right, I have a feeling the tones about to change tremendously in this room make some noise for mushroom mad everyone this uh is mushroom Matt. Alrighty folks, so I'm a bartender, right? Been bartending for over a decade. I've made thousands of drinks. People order some weird ass shit, and I don't blink, but one thing does throw me off, though. And that's when people order their drinks virgin? I don't get it. I've never fucked a drink before serving it to a customer. You know, I don't pop the cherry before I garnish your Manhattan. I love alcohol, but I'm not going to stick my dick in your whiskey tonic. That's a health code violation. So, as a bartender, I've had a lot of different jobs, like a lot. I've worked at over 40 different restaurants. My friends say I'm a bar slut, and you know, it's a good thing I can't, you can't catch an STD from working at a bunch of restaurants. Actually, I take that back. Don't sleep with the cocktail waitresses at P.F. Chang's, or Buffalo Wild Wings. They look fun, but it's not worth it. So, did y'all hear... Okay, that's good. Did you want to finish it? Is it a quick one? Yeah, it's a quick one. Did y'all hear what? It's kind of stupid, but, um... Did you hear that they're going to deport everybody in Albuquerque and New Mexico? No. Yeah, that's right. Trump says no more New Mexicans. Ah, got it, got it. You're right. Dumb as fuck that joke is. Welcome, Mushroom Matt. How's it going? Fun times, Mushroom Matt. There's a lady that just got murdered in the middle of the room. Uh, let's talk about it. Did you really get STDs from P.F. Chang's, BW3's? Yeah. Really? Wow! What kind of STDs are we talking about? Club Media. Wow. Yeah. I've had Club Media twice, one from my high school sweetheart and then once from the girl at P.F. Chang's. Wow. That's why everyone's ordering virgin drinks from me. I make a mean, spicy martini. Wow, the non-alcoholic beverages jokes are really flying tonight. I gotta tell ya. How long have you been bartending, Mushroom Matt? Uh, ten years, or nine. How long have you been stand-up? Um, so, I started three years ago. I took like an intermission and then like, I moved out here like six months ago and I've been going pretty hard since I moved out here. Uh-oh. What are you laughing so hard at over here? Oh fuck. Took an intermission. Yeah. What do you mean by an intermission? I, um, I don't know. Somebody close to me died and I kinda just like, stopped doing it for a while. Who was it? Who died? Uh, my, her name was Nina. Uh, she had a fentanyl O.D. I knew her since I was 12. She was like my high school sweetheart. Oh. She gave you chlamydia. Yeah. Was she the one that gave you chlamydia? Yeah, yeah. Wow. I don't wanna put her on blast, but... Well, you can't put her on blast anymore, my friend. It's all good now. She's in a, she's in a place where chlamydia doesn't exist. Uh-huh. I hope so. Yeah, I really hope so. Did you say you worked at 40 restaurants? Yeah. Yeah, I've been out. In nine years? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, it's like... So you're not that good at it? No, no, no. It's like the restaurant industry is weird, dude. Like, there's places you'll go and you'll work and like after a month you're like, oh shit, this place sucks. Like they lie to you and then like you start working for them and then like you end up getting screwed and then you're like, okay, this isn't worth it. Then you jump to another, jump to another. It takes a while to like find a good spot. But once you find a good spot, you stay there for a while. It's a little slut. Wow. So have you been dabbling in some serious drugs, Mushroom Map? Why do you ask? You could have by the name Mushroom Map. Um, I am a big fan of Mushroom. We talked about it last time, I've been announced before. Oh yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, absolutely. I love Mushroom. I actually give them out to comedians that I like because I have a lot of them. So I just give them out. Not psychedelic. They're truffles. What does that mean? What's the difference? No, I don't want to get in trouble with Texas, you know. It's okay. You've already said enough. Go ahead. For sure. So what's the difference between psychedelic, oh, you're saying, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, I gotcha. Okay, yes. Okay, excellent. Do you like me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I'll hook, yeah, absolutely. You're fucking dope, man. Talk to me, dude. This guy's going to be tripping all over town. Nice. Mushroom Map. So, but other than Mushrooms, what other drugs have you done? I liked, oh, like a lot. I don't know, like when I was 19, I was pretty hardcore drug user. And then like I stopped doing hard drugs. Like heroin? Like, like everything. Like I've done everything. Like every... Bit of an intermission. I, yes, yes. You know, maybe when I get older, like late, late ages, I'll do hard drugs. But like when I'm young, I kind of want to try to presume my youth and use my time as wisely as I can. Okay. I feel like it's too late for you, man. Fuck, man. You really think you've worked at 40 restaurants? Yeah. How fast do you think you can name the... Okay, so... Here we go. Chubby's... Give me a little restaurant name and music here, John B's. One, two, one, two, three. Chubby's on Broadway, Pia Pcheng's, Sailor Jack's, fuck, dude, it's distracting. Sailor Jack's, West Side Bistro, fuck, guys. I'm off the slide. It's over. You're fired again. I can't do it. I can't do it. You're fired. I can't do it. Fuck, dude, that was hard, man. I could... Like, I have worked at a lot of restaurants, but, like, it take... Like, I don't know. That was very, um, intimidating. How many different Buffalo Wild Wings? Just one. Just the one. It wasn't bad as a bartender, you know? You'd make, like, $200 to $300 a night. Not bad. Yeah. It seems like one of the lower-end jobs, but they pay you at the end of the night. It's chilling. Was there ever a time where you got fired and you didn't deserve it? Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, God, yes, dude. So... Okay, like, you guys could probably tell this. I have, like, a lot of energy, right? Yeah. You have former drug user energy. You've seen this before. A lot of great comedians have it. A lot of great comedians used to do fucking serious drugs. It's... Yeah. I'm not saying you're one of these great comedians. I'm just saying that it's a thing that our friends have in common. No, no, I got to. Tim Dillon, Theo, all these guys have fucking partied to the absolute limits. Yeah. So, uh, fuck, what was I saying? There it is. There it is, ladies and gentlemen. Confirmation that indeed... Okay. Um... Fuck, I lost my train of thought. Have you ever been fired and didn't deserve it? Yes. Okay, so I have a lot of energy, and, like, I use the restroom a lot, and that, like, I have a really nervous jet. It looks bad, right? It looks bad. Like, I've literally been fired from three different jobs because they thought I was, like, doing coke. And, like, I also... Talk right into the tip. We can hear your heartbeat. We can hear. Um, I've been filed from multiple different restaurants because I have, like, a lot of energy, and I use the restroom a lot, and it just comes off like I'm doing blow. But I don't always do blow at work, you know? Would you say you have more energy right after you pee? Um... Uh, it's like, I mean, usually in pre... Yeah, no less, because I'm in a rush to get to the bathroom, so I'm like, you know? Really jones in for the bathroom. Yes. Yeah. I'd take your up-coke right now. No, no, no. See, that's what my manager's saying. I'm like, no, dude, I'm just like this, man. Like, fuck. You should do coke for the interview, and then it would always be lower. Dude, wise...wise words, man. Actually, yeah, that's a good strategy. What helped you get off the hard drugs? Um, I don't know. Probably someone out there, you know, watching the show right now, just tied one off, and fucking heating up a spoon right now, getting ready to go work their shift at a PF Chang's fucking bar. You could save their lives right now. Explain to them how you did it. Did you perhaps start a collection of locomotive trains? I don't know, like, I never really had addicted tendencies. I just, like, struggled to fit in, and, like, when I was doing drugs, there was, like, people to hang out with. So, like, I would do drugs, but, like, I, like, was on Adderall since I was eight, so, like, meth wasn't really, like, I don't know, I didn't really like it. I just did it because there's people doing meth with me, you know? So you were doing meth while you were on Adderall? No. Yeah. Well, no, what... Double. That's exactly what a guy still on meth in Adderall would say. No. No, no. No, no. Yeah. Yeah. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. Nice. Hop. How do you get rid of Chlamydia? Just ask it for a friend. They give you a shot in the ass. Wow. Yeah. Damn. That's how I got it. Really? Oh, that's another gay joke, everybody. That's awesome. All right. Must your mat. Fun times. There you go. Thank you. Must your mat, everybody. All right. Look at that, a compelling interview. There we go. Looks like we're going to get our first female comedian of the... Ooh. La la. Chui, chui, chui. Le second béton. Mayonnaise. Pepe la più. Le mustard. One more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Now, this looks like it could be a new name. Make some noise for Elena P, everyone. Elena P. Hey, Austin. How's it going? Good. Good. Are we dating? Anyone dating here in the crowd? Yeah. Actually, I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't care. I'm dating a doctor, so... And he's hot, so I win, you know? But, um, no, when I told my family and my friends I was dating a doctor, obviously, Mom's super excited. Some of my friends were a little bit concerned. They were like, dating a doctor. I'm like, yeah, they're like, haven't you seen Grey's Anatomy? Aren't you a little bit worried? I'm like, yeah, you know, McDreamy, McSteamy. And they're like, exactly. Like, you think he's like hooking up with nurses in the stairwell? I was a little bit taken aback. I was a little offended. I was like, you guys, he's a gentleman. You're crazy if you think he's hooking up with nurses in the stairwell. He's at least fucking them in the call room. My God, come on. No, I don't sleep anything. The only thing that's really screwing him is the American Health Care System. So, yeah, yeah. That's it. Thank you, guys. All right. Elena P. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? It is my first time. How long have you been on stand-up? Today's my first day, y'all. Wow, starting here? Did you do an open mic earlier or something? You know, I got a lot of open mics. With my boyfriend, he actually does comedy. He's been on to Austin on Friday night, and we leave Wednesday afternoon, but we've been popping around to all the local spots. You're dating a doctor that also does comedy? I do, yeah. That's his backup plan. If comedy doesn't work out, he's got the doctor thing to fall back on. Is he a real doctor? He really is a real doctor. What kind of doctor is he? A general practitioner. Yeah, he does. Wow. Clearly, I did not go to medical school, so I don't know. Like an urgent care? Yeah, you know what? If you go, it turns out they make a lot of money working at urgent care. Really? How much money? Do you know how much money he makes? I know that he just got, he's now able to actually practice on his own. And if he got a job at urgent care, I think they'd be like $200 an hour or something ridiculous. Like, yeah, it's crazy. I know. Oh my goodness. Wow, it's a lot better than all these valet motherfuckers we found today. How about you? What do you do for a living, Elena? So, I'm a photographer, so I actually like... Oh, $0 per hour. $0 per hour. $0, ever total made. Wow. I am a photographer and a legrine instructor. Most people don't know what legrine is, but if you do... What is it? Legrine. What is that? That is like Pilates on steroids, essentially, is what it is. Okay. Did you do that? I do. Did you teach that? I've been coaching for three years and taking for four. Okay. Do you do private classes? You know what? For you, Red Band, for you, Red Band, I would. Yes. I will come by your mom. He's been eating a lot of Pilates of food. That's plates. Plates, but pronounced it Pilates. There you go. Like, P-Space Latte. Because you like plates. Multiple plates. I can agree with that. Hell, yeah. Elena, how long you been with this guy? We've known each other for a year and we've been officially dating for six months. Seven months. And you really trust him? Yeah. Does he ever text his grandma? You know, I don't actually know. I think one of his grandmothers is probably dead. The other one alive, I think. I think he's close to the grandma. We'll see. I don't know. You guys don't get into personal life too much, huh? Well... Yeah, I felt like a whole form if I want to like talk to him, really. For 200 bucks an hour when he's at an open-eyed guy, I think he's probably dead. 200 bucks an hour when he's at an open-eyed guy, you're really losing money here, buddy. Yeah, right. No, I like to tell him, at least I made more money than he has at comedy shows, because I actually get paid as the photographer to take their photos. Yeah, he's made, you know, nothing really. Oh, Martin Phillips is furious, right? I just said, oh yeah, you got him. Oh, you showed him. Yeah, I know. You showed him. Wow. Yeah, so... Incredible. So, where did you meet this guy? We met on a boat, actually, which is, I love your captain's hat right here. Look it, this is the captain of the boat, Martin Phillips. This is our captain, look at that. If anybody's wondering who's sunk the Titanic, here he is, everybody. Yeah, we met on a boat. It was my friend's birthday that I got invited, and he lives at my friend's complex, so they were like down at the pool and then there were another, and he was like hanging out with his friend who was seeing my friend, and they were like, hey, we're going on a boat tomorrow. They told me, yeah, what's going on in the boat tomorrow? Where was this boat at? Where? It's at Percy Priest, so I know Desi Slay here is from Nashville. Yeah, I live right next to Percy Priest. I was there that day. Yeah, right, yeah. I can picture you just standing behind a tree watching the whole thing happening. Yeah, yeah. Now that's love, if I've ever seen it. Right, right. I'll say, hey, we were having a good time. All right, you know what I mean. Two fans here. I love it, yeah. You were actually one of the first people I ever saw at Zany's. All right. And it was amazing, yeah, it was, yeah, he really is a good comedian. There you go, yeah. And urgent care is a good job for a doctor. I've always said that. I've always said it. I'll take your picture anytime. So did this urgent care doctor sign up for this show? He did, he's here. He's here. And you guys are only visiting this Monday? Only this, this is, he's got to get back to the clinic. He's got to get back to the clinic in Nashville. Yes, yeah. Oh, I could have actually seen your boyfriend before. You probably might have had. I know, I get poison ivy a lot. I think it's a, yeah. What's his name? Dr. T, Dr. Tim T. He signed up as Dr. Tim T. Dr. Tim T is here. Go get Dr. Tim T. We have someone's significant other on this show. We're going to see who really writes the prescriptions in this relationship here. There you go. Yes, I love it. He's great. He's been great. Did he start stand up before you or were you doing that? He did, he started back in Arkansas. That's where he's from. And then he got really into it. When he started dating almost a year ago, he was really into it. He just kept going to open mics. The Nashville scene is really something out there. A lot of clean mics, but also there's some dirtier stuff. We're really doing it there. Yeah, yeah. It's incredible. While we wait for Dr. Tim T, I'm going to ask you, do you always perform like, do you always dress like you're about to do an open mic on Mars? You know, I wore this for the comedy mother ship. I wanted to dress like an alien or like a Martian or something. I love the theme. I love a theme, so that's that. I love fashion for my girlies. You know, the girlies. Wow, this is like a bad episode of the Kardashians. That's incredible. Would you say you're high maintenance? I just would like to think I have high standards. So that's a big glaring yes all capital letters with five exclamation points afterwards. What do you think is the most high maintenance thing about you? I think it's the most high maintenance thing about you. I think it's the most high maintenance thing about you. How long does it take you to get ready if we were like, we got to go. Oh, shit, we were supposed to go to dinner with my parents. Let's go. How long would it take you? To be honest, I am always like chronically late, but I like to think, especially in the summertime, I like to do more of like a natural makeup look. So I try not, this is the most makeup I think I've worn all week, but I usually try and do like a tinted sunscreen. Four hours, perfect. All right, great. What time did you start getting ready for this show? I gave myself a good half hour. Oh. At least, yeah, a good half hour. That's us, the doctor. The doctor is in, I've gotten a word, and you could just hide out behind the horn players in front of the drums over there. Put that mic in the mic stand. As I introduced you, the guy, ladies and gentlemen, that not only does comedy with Elena, not only dates Elena, but has sex with her as well. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut of Dr. Timmy T. Everyone. How? Don't know why the Native Americans say how. It's because the Settlers killed them before they could get out. Are you doing? Hmm. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. I went to this Indian restaurant the other day when I walked in. There were swastikas all over the walls. Now from the south, that's not completely un-normal, but I went up to the guy at the front, and I was like, hey, man, what's up with all the swastikas? He was like, listen, listen, it's Sanskrit for good luck. He was like, yeah, but it's Hebrew for bad luck. I went on to ask him, I was like, hey, what's better, the lamb bendaloo or the buttered chicken? He was like, ah, they're both good in their own right. Yeah, I didn't get either one. I ended up getting the swastika masala. Yeah. I'm kidding. What I really got was diarrhea. No, so I grew up really religious, and being really religious, they're like, hey, you need to try to be like Jesus, which is a really high standard, you know? He was perfect, walked on water, performed miracles. I was like, how can I live up to those expectations? And then I read Revelation 22.12, and it said, Jesus said, behold, I cometh quickly. He was like, finally, I can be a little more Christ-like. Wow. Dr. Timmy T. Wow, look at that. What an incredible thing. What a stud you are, huh? Thank you. Look at you, just a good-looking doctor. I'm like, hey, Tony, you got it all going, except for that fake-ass girlfriend over here. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I didn't realize Pedro Pascal had a Down syndrome little brother. I love it. You're adorable, Dr. Timmy T. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two years, like a year, seriously. Awesome. Yeah. And how much time did you spend in medical school? Four years in medical school, six years in undergrad. Okay. Look at that. Dusty, what do you think about this guy? Well, I'd like to know how you treat Chlamydia. Doxycycline, Mr. Dusty. Okay. Doxycycline. Where would you put it? In the mouth. Yeah. So you think the guy earlier was getting some bad medicine? I am unaware of what you were talking about. Yeah, but probably. Okay. Amazing. Dr. Timmy T. So you're a general practitioner, right? Yes, sir. Cover and all. What's the craziest thing you've ever had walk into your urgent care or whatever? Oh, I had a man whose penis was rotting off. Oh, wow. How did that happen? He ended up having surgery. He had erectile dysfunction and he got one of those like penis pumps put in. Oh. But he lied to your doctor, never lied to your doctor. And he said he wasn't smoking. Yeah. Wait, you can't smoke cigarettes and use a penis in larger? Well, yeah. Fuck. Oh, no. I'm going to need to see you behind the curtain in 30 minutes. Okay. That is weird though, but because like all my whole life I would like to say, do you smoke? I'm like, yeah, not really. Because you don't want to say that for the insurance or whatever. They should tell you, no, no, if you do, just say yes. Can you explain why? Oh, I can already, I can probably already tell it. Probably restricts the blood vessels. That's right. That's right. That's right, Tony. My God. You are a smart guy. I really am. You know, I think I could be a doctor too. You know, probably. Yeah. If I can be, you probably can't be. Docs at Cycline. That's what I would just give everybody for everything. I would give you a doctor's cycling. There we go. You're a fucking, you're a real fucking guy. What do you do for fun, Dr. Timmy T? Oh man, I like to play sports. I play basketball, pick up basketball. Wow. I do have bonsai trees. Ooh, yeah. You really just do it all, huh? Yeah. We've been my girlfriend, I've been building Legos lately. Oh, amazing. Yeah. Wow. Are you eight? He has to, he has to partake in activities that she can do as well. Wow, I love it. What's the longest set you've ever done? Ten minutes. Ten minutes. Would you like to do like an eight-minute set at the secret show Thursday? Absolutely, I would. There you go. The doctor is in. Dr. Timmy T. Doctor, here you go. Here's a big joke book. Boom. And here's a little one for the lady right there. She got out of punchline in a half. Shut the fuck up. What an adorable couple though. Congratulations. There they go. Dr. Timmy T. and Elena P. How fun. I wonder if this is who I think it is. I wonder if this is our old cowboy friend. We're going to see. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everyone. Oh, it is. One of the legends of the show. The return of Carlos Lopez. Woo! Howdy. Howdy. Howdy. Howdy. Howdy. Howdy. Howdy. So I was asleep in my bed. The night getting the fucking most wonderful slumber I've ever had. And I woke up to my phone just a fucking yelling at me. I thought I cheated on Siri. This thing was fucking screaming. My phone went off and it was an Amber Alert for a 15-year-old Hispanic girl. And I thought that was fucked up. Because what about her two kids? Are they okay? Are they get taken too? I hear my thoughts and prayers. So this bolder situation has never been great. But lately, I've been seeing it bring out the worst of people. I'll leave it on that. Go ahead, finish it. The other day I saw one man tell another man to go back to Mexico. And I don't think he meant it. No, because if he meant it, he learned how to say that shit in Spanish. Carlos Lopez. We actually watched him have his very start here on the show. And then it's just like the nature of the beast. Like what we were talking about earlier. And then your second time kind of rough, right? And then look at your back with that same type of snappy, hard hitting punchline. So you had that first time. You've been working at it, huh? Oh yeah. Incredible. You take this seriously. You're a serious man. You're a serious cowboy. You're driving 18 wheelers. No, I retired. Oh shit. You hung up the old truck nuts, huh? Yeah. What do you do now? I'm in wheel estate. Wheel estate? Wow. I want one. You're selling wheels? He'll gun your manufactured homes. Real estate. Wait. Wheel estate? Real estate. Real estate with wheels on the bottom. Okay. Look at this. Best of both worlds. Hell yeah. That sounds like a one-stop shop for you, Martin Phillips. Interesting. My goodness. So tell us more about the wheel estate that you're selling. Sell us right now. I'm sure there's some people here. There's a lot of Texas oil money in the room right now. That's not who I'm talking about. Oh. Okay. You're from Alabama. You speak whatever language this is. Yeah, you're talking trailers. Oh yeah. Manufactured home. That's fancy word for trailer. That's what people say when they don't want you to know they live in a trailer. This is incredible. So it's a different type of market. Well, maybe there's some rich people here that want to buy a trailer. Maybe there's some poor people here that want to buy a trailer. Great. I'm going to tell you that. And these people are all homeless and need a car at the same time. You could probably be a one-stop shop. And I'm going to give you the single spotlight treatment. Sell us on wheel estate. How much you fucking pay on rent? You want to pay that much? Would own them by the fucker? It's that easy. They sell themselves. Sold. I'll take three right now. You can afford it, I promise. No, no, no. I don't really want to. And then you go, how bad is your credit? The fucking homeless people are the ones that can't afford the homeless. That's why they're homeless. Figuring it out. Right. So, do you offer tornado insurance? Like, well, like... Hell no. That's your bread and butter. You're counting on it. You need the tornadoes. The tornadoes bring it back around. It's the wheel deal. I'm going to have to use that. I'm sorry. It's yours, buddy. You can have it. It's all yours. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So that's going good for you, selling a lot of trailers? I'm four weeks in right now. Just getting started. I want to get off the road. I found out the hard way that my girlfriend has a nut allergy. How did you find out? I found out the hard way that my girlfriend has a nut allergy. How did you find out? We have a son now. He's three months old. Swallowed up for nine fucking months. I see. I see. You nutted inside of her. I get it now. I get it. I get it. I was having a really hard time understanding that you have her a second. But now I get it. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm going to be a real cowboy. A real regal name. Tony, I'm glad you asked. I'm going to have to be my fucking heroes. Tony, Walker, Texas Ranger Lopez. Wow. Tony, Walker, Texas Ranger Lopez. That's mostly true. Tony, Walker, Lopez. Tony Walker's got a good ring to it. Not really that funny, I guess. It's a good ring. Tony Walker. It's Jackson Walker. Oh, Jackson Walker. That's a real country. Jackson Walker Lopez. I don't want to leave with that. Sounds like he would deport himself. You know what? I just figured out what my last name is. I'm going to go ahead and hit the dusty trail. I'm going to get inside of my home and drive there. Wow. I love it. You get him a little cowboy hat already? He's not ready yet. That's the Ernie. Oh, shit. What does he have to do to earn it? We had a couple up here that's trying to figure out Legos right now. What kind of... What does a kid have to do to earn his first cowboy hat? I guess hold his fucking head up first, you know. That's true. Is that how you talk to him? I mean, you can right now. You don't know what I'm saying. Yeah. Just vibe. Just vibe. Hell, yeah. I love it. I love it. Mom's handling it all well. Yeah. Breastfeeding? Oh, yeah. Shit. Shit, big test when I met her, but holy shit, no. Look at this. Red Band's heart is a rock right now. I see it hanging out of his shorts. He says, a special penis pump he's been using. Like, like, like... Wow. Incredible. Do you ever taste any of the breast milk? Do you ever give a quick little suck? It's not a... It's not a... something I do on purpose, you know. Right. But if it happens accidentally... Yeah, because I got to warm up breast milk when she's gone, and, you know, you got to make sure it's not too hot sometimes. Oh, you don't just go in too quick after the baby. I want to steal the produce, you know. Yeah. Only got so much. Hell, yeah. Some of that old cowboy cream, you know what I'm saying? Fuck, yeah. I love it. What surprised you, or what's surprising to you about having a young three-month-old? Is there anything that surprised you? Is this your first kid? Yeah, my first kid. Man, honestly, the urge to go home now is there. It never has been before. Yeah. I've been fucking just rambling all over the place. That's what it seems like with all of our friends. Once they have a kid, they're back home, and they're not hanging out, being degenerates like we all are. It seems to be the common thing. It's amazing how your wife doesn't want you to make you want to be at home, but the kid does. Well, once you got a taste of that fucking, that BM, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. That sweet little fucking. Is your wife, uh, Mexican? Very. Jason Latinos is more than just a hobby. Wow. So it's like a racha. Yeah. Come on. Okay. Some of that titty tamarindo, am I right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Very good, Martin. You really are the captain now. Carlos Lopez, fun times. You did it again. Love you, everybody loves you. Killing it. Daddy's home. Carlos Lopez. And we have his stunt double, ladies and gentlemen. Another proud Mexican father that we've known for years and years. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hangarza. I believe that a lot of his in here are not racist, but our algorithms are. Anybody else see that one post about that one group of people, and you're just like, like, yeah, I know the ones I'm talking about. Um, I've really had it up to here with these bullshit weed names, and they're like, Hank, it's exotic. It's like, dude, it sounds like diabetes mixed with blue or purple. It's not exotic. If we want to start naming weed that is exotic, let's start naming it after shit that is exotic, like thick white women with our black dudes in their DMs. Cush. The hardest part about me dating is actually, it's not even the wife and kids that I have at home. It's actually the sleep apnea machine. You know how fucked up it is when you have to take down the hose to go see the hose? Crazy. Uh, I want to end this on an impression. Uh, this is my impression of a fortune teller from the late 90s, early 2000s, Bomba Klot. Y'all remember that? Here we go. There's Alex Jones here, let you know. Everything I said back in the day came out to be true. They are fucking kids on an island, and they are turning the frogs gay. My name's Hank Gars. That's been my minute. Thank y'all so much. They are so. Alright. I like the racist algorithms. And the sleep end. You have a sleep apnea machine? I have a bipap, yes sir. Wow. Rezen and out for me. Oh my God, you don't even have to do anything. You don't have to think about any of it. You just lay there, like Darth Vader. Wow. Is that good? You get a good night's sleep with that thing? It's alright. I have a one year old right now, So I'm waking up all the time to change him and feed him. So. Right. Is your one year old terrified by that machine? No. No, not at all, man. I look like Bane. They hook me up like a Tesla. Wow. Yeah. OK. But when I cheat, I feel like my solution to that problem, Tony, is I have to find other women that are also on sleep apnoe machines. Right. And we just hit that shit like a hooker. Ha ha ha ha. Incredible. When you say, Nava Ho's to see the hoes, what's a Nava Ho? No, no, no. I have to take down the hoes to go see the hoes. Because the CPAP machine has a hose. Oh, it's a hose. Got it. All right. Got it. To go see the hoes. I got it now. You take it with you. I have to. You show up at the house. Yeah, man. And if they see you with a sleep apnoe machine, they know you plan on staying. I mean business. I mean fucking business, dude. You got a bag of condoms at a sleep apnoe machine. That's right, baby. CPAP Poppy. Wow, look at that. Look at that. You have all these catchphrases for not being able to breathe on your own. Incredible. How'd you go to the doctor or find out that you needed that machine? Like what made you go to the doctor? Yeah, Red Band's a week away from that. Yeah, dude. I feel like I should have one. My wife was like, hey, it sounds like you're dying. Yeah. I'm good. And you're like, I'm exhausted from cheating on you. That's right. Hell yeah. I love you, baby. Martin, do you have to sleep with anything wacky? Do you have any wacky things to do? Uh-oh, no. Oh, I can sleep normal. I'm not like this freak. Dang. Dang. Ooh. Dang. Martin Phillips. Holy shit. What else is going on in your life, Hank? You've been doing stand-up for a few years. Yeah, I just completed three years. Just getting up as much as I can, bro. As much as I can in San Antonio, raising kids. That's it. Right now, I'm staying at home. Dad, it sucks. I mean, it's cool, but it's not cool at the same time. It fucking sucks. Yeah. Men should be out there doing shit, not raising kids, but whatever. Wow. But wife makes a pretty decent living, so I'm like, ah, you know what? I'll change a diaper and fuck the one. Oh, yeah. Okay. I hope your kids aren't watching. Yeah. Way better set you had tonight than the last time you were on the line. Oh, yeah. You screamed last time. Yeah, I was. I know. And so it's very scary. Last time I ate a huge dick on here on this show, man, that shit was such a rude awakening for me on where I was comedy-wise and take the shit seriously. It's a rude awakening when your CPAP machine runs out of water. Yeah. Is that how those work? Yeah. Oh, you know it. Yeah, I know it. But water, and it's like a humidifier. I like high humidity, dude. Then you put it like 72 degrees. Oh, daddy. Oh. I want to try it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Well, okay. Hank, great stuff. Thank you so much. Here you go. Here's a big joke book. Hank Garza. He's our buddy. That's our buddy Hank. It's a big joke book. That's how show business works. Well, I mean, what can I say? This has been a hell of an episode, and I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and he is behind that curtain. For he holds the record for all-time appearances, interviews, in the history of the show. No one has done it more. Nobody has done it better. A living member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Shaw of Shopify. Sponsored by Masshole Lobster Truck. It's known as the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine, live in the flesh. This is William Montgomery. I like to buy my dogs from the pound because I like my dogs to be hardened criminals who think they're out on parole. After a long search for the best match, doctors have successfully transplanted a pig lung into a brain-dead human being, and I just want to say congratulations on your new lung, Amy Schumer! Last week, Cracker Barrel, board of directors, made the mistake of letting a dumb bitch talk them into changing their logo. The bad news is Cracker Barrel's stock value dropped $100 million. The good news will be seeing Shane Gillis and Cracker Barrel commercials very soon. What were Kurt Cobain's last words? Courtney, don't! Okay, that's my time. Thank you! Wow, exactly 59 seconds. Two or three of the biggest jokes of the night. I feel like I have to let Shane know immediately after this episode, the joke you just did. That is so funny. That is incredible because it's probably true. Oh, it's very true. I fucking hate it. And if y'all look up, seriously, it's crazy. If y'all look up the CEO of Cracker Barrel, she looks just like fucking the girl from... Oh, what is her name? Everyone that hates our show. You are correct. The saddest thing about that joke is I'm in a Cracker Barrel commercial right now. Really? Damn. Is that true? It is true. I don't know if it's still airing, but I did do a 15-second commercial. Dusty, that is wonderful. I swear to God, that is a dream of mine. I happen to love Cracker Barrel. That really is so cool. That's so cool. What are you saying? What do you even do? When I was in it, the stock was doing great, though. It was still doing really well. We had the old logo, old design. Yeah, you seem, now that you mentioned it, I could see why they would pick you as one of their clear representatives. Absolutely incredible. Wow. William, you did it yet again. I mean, incredible. What was the thing? Would you say a pigalum? A what? A pigalum? Pigalum? What did you say? What was the... Pigalung? Pig-lung. Excuse me. Pig-lung. Yeah, they literally, they found they did it in a brain-dead fucking person, and they put a pig-lung in the brain-dead person, and the lung lasted for, I think, eight days. Wow. Wow. Look at that. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Great experiment. I'm pretty sure the doctor that did that was up here just a few bucket pulls ago. Yeah. You had a CPAP machine that breathed in and out for it. Yeah. I mean, incredible performance. Really, really amazing. Oh, you're really sweet. Well, Tony, I think it's... I had that, the Courtney Love Joke or whatever I have been listening to since last week, because I was up in Spokane, Washington this weekend, it's the first time I've repeated a comedy club. It's been like a year and a half, and I created this whole new set. I had 70 new jokes, 30 old jokes, and it took me forever. I was taking... Tony, don't be mad at me, but I was taking a little bit of Adderall, and I was smoking weed, and I spent two full weeks on it, and I've been listening to the song by a whole called Soft or Softest, probably 700 fucking times. For anybody who's hearing my voice right now, it's one of the best songs ever. I've been listening to it. It's on repeat, Tony, on my Spotify. It's not a good song, Red Band says. Oh, you don't like getting things, do you? He told me about this, and I was like, oh, this must be a great song. I used to have that album. It's just like a throwaway song, but you're addicted to the girl that played it, that died of an overdose. Do you have this whole conspiracy about it? That Courtney killed her also or something, right? Yes, I think Courtney was involved in the bass player's death. Tell us more about that. Tell us about this conspiracy. Well, it's just so horrible. When I was up in New York City, Tony, I just looked, something happened, and I saw the picture of the bass player for whole during this point in time of their career, the second album, and I was like, oh my God, this girl's beautiful. And I started reading more about her. I was very intrigued, and she died at 27, and they're thinking the guitar player's the one who injected her with all the heroin, and then they're saying that Courtney Love told the guitar player to do that, so it's this whole can of worms, Tony. Wow, that's just whole can of worms. Are there more people that you think... Oh, he does not like Red Band's life. That's like a fucking laugh out of my nightmares that he does not like Red Band's life. They have a long-standing rivalry. They do not seem to get along. Yeah, he's talking shit about that song. I think people will like Soft or Softest when they listen to it later tonight. I think people will like the song. It's a wonderful song. It seems as though you think that Courtney Love is responsible for the death of the bass player of whole, the death of Kurt Cobain. Is there anybody else who you think Courtney Love may have killed? The Soundgarden guy. Yep. Okay. Tony lookalike. Yeah. Chris Cornell. Chris Cornell. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. Parnell is the guy on SNL. Yeah. Chris Cornell. Who else do you... Thanks Jacob. Jacob on the... No, I'm kidding. That was awkward when I couldn't remember y'all's names. Is there anybody else perhaps Courtney Love murdered during her lifetime? You've been following... You've been going down this ramp at all. Well, it's weirdly enough. They're saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein. Because she knows people who are good. Wow. Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein, Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed. Whoa. Yeah. She's the one that killed his ass. Whoa. The movie Speed. How many days have you been awake in a row? I slept till 1.30 today. The night before I only slept an hour, but I was able to sleep till 1.30 today, which is I really slept in today. I needed the rest. Wow. That's gross. A little splashing of the lights for the amount of sleep that you got. What time did you go to bed? 12 p.m. There you go. An hour and a half of sleep. No, it was 12 a.m. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's better. Is there anyone else you think Courtney... It's like army time. How do you even figure out army time? Wow. Incredible observation, William. Is there anybody else you think in this conspiracy theory of yours? Do you think that Courtney Love may have killed her life? Maybe Dave Thomas. Whoa, the Wendy's guy? Yeah. From Columbus, Ohio. We love... Red Band, that's right, right? Yeah. Yeah? You told me that one in a band, remember? Yeah. Wow. How about... You let me know about that one, remember? You called me that? Wow. Excited? That's fair, I can tell. When you found out about it? Yeah. There's another person? Wow. That's incredible. Dave Thomas, can you believe that? Uh-uh. Red Band can believe it. Red Band gets very sad when he's reminded about the time of Dave Thomas. Yes. That might be... That might be my real dad. That might be my real dad. Yeah, well, your mom had sex with enough dudes. I don't know if we actually could figure out if it was like a... Oh, wow. I don't know if we'll ever find out if it's serious. He was his executive secretary, and then my parents got divorced and never found out why it might be my real dad. Wow. It's just your executive secretary. It makes sense. I can see how Dave Thomas could be your father. I mean, you are a 52-year-old Baconator, so it's... Oh. Here's the beef. Is there anybody else you think Courtney Love may have murdered during her lifetime? Lisa Frank! Whoa. And I'm kidding about that one. Passionate about that one. I'm kidding about that one. Who's Lisa Frank? The lady who made the stickers and stuff, like the... the girls' like. Oh, okay. Who else? Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for their untimely death? What about maybe... Who? Maybe... Maybe 9-11! Whoa. Courtney Love is responsible for 9-11? No. That's crazy. She didn't do that. How do you know that? Huh? How do you know she had nothing to do with that? I'm just pretty sure she did it. I did the research. Wow. Maybe just building 7. Yeah. Yeah. It's a smaller building. People forget about that building. People do forget about that building. Tower 7. Everyone remembers 9-11, but no one remembers Tower 7. Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for? Well, this one's horrible. He's actually on my shirt. King Cobra JFS, Josh Rest in Peace. He just died up in, I think, Wyoming. I think she had something to do with him. But King Cobra JFS, Rest in Peace. He had a bad drinking problem. If you had a chance to talk to Courtney Love, and she was here face to face, I'm sure she's watching this right now. What would you say to her? What would you say to Courtney Love? Courtney? Who's our main camera? I get it. You don't... Courtney, I get it. You don't normally take requests, but if you could play softer, softest... Wow! ...off of your second album, I could sing the words with you. Wow. I'd be able to sing every single word with you. Wow. That is incredible. So you would take an opportunity to hang out with her and sing with her, even though she kills people. Yeah, my gosh. Soft or softest, I'm not kidding. I've listened to it 800 times since last week. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even gonna repeat on my phone. That's all I'm listening to. Wow. And it almost feels weird, because now I like it. Uh-oh. Seriously, now I like it. That's how it started with Kurt Cobain. One second, you're liking her music. The next thing you know. And you wrote 70 jokes, listening to that song? 70? No, I was analyzing all of my kill Tony minutes. I think I've done close to 320 of these things, and I was analyzing my stuff. Wow. Doing a little... It's a pain to god people laugh when I put it together in a certain way. I was gonna say, that sounds like new comic advice. Listen to that song. Yes, my new comic. Seriously, if you're a comic who's thinking about getting into comedy, whatever, you're funny around your buddies at work, whatever. I think you should go for it and listen to soft or softest when you're analyzing your jokes. Seriously. Do you think you're ever gonna stop listening to soft or softer? I don't think I've ever gonna stop. William Montgomery has done it again. This episode brought to you by Shopify. Guys, how about, can this place get his first time on panel, Dusty Slay, everybody? What heat is on Netflix? Make sure you watch it on Netflix. He's on tour at Dustyslay.com, and his podcast is We're Having a Good Time. Martin Phillips, first time on panel, everybody. The captain is in. MartinPhilipsComedy.com. He's on tour all over. The drawing from Ryan G. Ebelt is in, and it is indeed amazing. He's drawn, oh, just the last 700 episodes or so, whichever the guests are. Let's see what Chris Rogers, the live Austin artist, drew doing this. Oh, Mark Norman, look at that. Shout-outs to our old friend Mark Norman, who was on panel during the New York City Madison Square Garden episode, which if you haven't, and you should, and you must, go watch that on Netflix. And, yeah, red band? Check out my fake band Catbread 7 on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Music. Love you guys. It is a fake band indeed. Listen to it there. That is... It is something else. A new passion project, if you will. And shout-out to Shopify. Thank you for sponsoring this episode, and thank you to you, the live audience, that makes it all possible. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Good night. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. The show is set to be held on May 1, 2021. The show is set to be held on May 1, 2021. The show is set to be held on May 1, 2021. The show is set to be held on May 1, 2021. The show is set to be held on May 1, 2021. The show is set to be held on May 1, 2021. Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.