Parent Coaching Session with the Father of a 14-Year-Old

Today's episode, I sit down with the father of Rick, a 14 year old navigating life in a blended family while also managing ADHD. We get into the challenges of parenting in two different households, how to balance structure with flexibility and the dad guilt that can creep in when enforcing rules. We also talk about strategies like front loading transitions, keeping consistent expectations and how medication has made a real difference for Rick at home and school. This is a powerful conversation about parenting with complexity, staying steady and helping kids feel both supported and heard. Welcome to the ADHD Parenting Podcast with Mike McLeod of Grow Now ADHD and Ryan Wexelblatt of ADHD Dude. Learn about parenting kids with ADHD from a licensed clinical social worker and speech language pathologist who specializes in ADHD. No fluffy parenting advice, only practical information that will equip you to help your child with ADHD effectively. Alright, I am here with the father of Rick who is 14 and in eighth grade. And why don't you start off by telling us a little about your family and you know what would take priority in terms of what you wanted to discuss today. We have a blended family. Rick's mom and I got divorced when you know he was probably six or seven years old. In the household we've got four kids. Rick has an 11 year old sister and then he also has an 11 year old step sister and a 14 year old step brother. The kids have all known each other since they were like pre-k in kindergarten. So I think for us one of the biggest struggles is Rick kind of understanding who he is and socially I think it's always a struggle because he feels like he's singled out in terms of why is it I have screen time limitations but the other kids in the family don't. How come you know I have to go out and you know run around outside for an hour or two hours and the other kids you know don't have to do that. So you know it really becomes a little bit of a struggle in terms of socialization in the household and that's sort of the biggest strain that we see right now. Okay, so one thing I just want to clarify for everyone. You know typically when I talk about socialization I talk about it with similar age peers not with family and the reason why is because sometimes parents will say things like you know and I'm not saying that you're saying this but in general people will say things like you know I want him to use better social skills with his sister and what I always want people to understand is that when we're talking in the context of social skills it has nothing to do with your family because family is who you can be yourself around and there's no social ramifications for you know annoying your sister or your brother right or if you know blow up at anyone in your family. So I think and tell me if this is accurate I think what you're talking about is more about Rick feeling a little singled out because there's a certain set of expectations for him that are not applicable to the other kids. Correct, like the 14 year old step brother is you know sort of has that trifecta. He's an athlete, he's a scholar and he's very well liked amongst his friend group. On the other hand Rick you know isn't as athletic, isn't as scholarly, isn't as sociable. So that a lot of times it's for me the father you know how do I manage that, how do I have that conversation with him. Yeah, that's a great question. Let me ask this first. Have you guys ever discussed and you know there's no right or wrong answer to this I'm just wondering kind of where you know if you guys have discussed this is you know does there need to be more structure at all or would it be helpful to have you know maybe a little more consistency amongst all the kids so Rick doesn't feel like he's being you know singled out because he has ADHD. Totally great point and a lot of the stuff that we've implemented in the house have come directly out of your podcast. Like all of like I'm a huge huge fan of your podcast. Thank you. It's been completely eye-opening for me and for the household and so it really has helped me lean into my parental authority. It's helped me like put structure feel we've always had structure in the house but it was getting comfortable and being okay with their being structure in the house and so the the issue that I often see is that all of the kids have structure. They're all expected to do the same thing reading limiting screen time you know going to bed at a reasonable hour doing extracurricular activities but a lot of times Rick doesn't see it like he's not aware enough to know that hey you're not being singled out dude like everybody's getting the same treatment you just aren't seeming to notice it and we've gotten to the point where we've even made it known. Hey did you see us disciplining your stepbrother or your step sister like we just had that conversation with them so you're aware that you're not the only one that gets treated this way. Okay so one of the things I'm wondering is maybe Rick is aware of this and you know and I think it's great that you're explicitly pointing it out to him and maybe he just doesn't like it and this is his way of you know making noise you know which is my term for venting or complaining you know for the sake of venting or complaining. Correct I think that there's a part of this where there could be some possibly inadvertent manipulation going on you know maybe feeling like hey I'm like the the the bad step kid right I'm like the black sheep I'm not treated fairly and so so often times that narrative of Rick being treated differently than the other kids even though we don't feel like he is being treated differently that narrative will often go back to the other household Remy's mom and that's what he will tell the other household is that it's unfair I'm treated a certain way but no one else is treated that way and so we really are trying hard to make it clear that you're not being treated differently and the times that you are being treated differently it's so that we can meet you where you're at with your ADHD. Right okay so I am confident that you have explained that clearly to him and he has heard that multiple times and has internalized it and is it possible that he just doesn't like it and you know and he just needs to vent about it whether that's you know to you or to his his mother. I think it is yeah I do think it's like that because in the other household there isn't the same level of structure and you know during office hours you and I have talked about this where it's sort of been more specific to control what you can control in your household if you know you can only do what you can do in your household and that's the structure that that Rick needs and when he goes back to his mom's house that structure may it's not there it's not the same household but over time the hope is that Rick will understand that that structure was something that was very helpful for him while he was growing up and managing his ADHD. Yeah I think he absolutely will understand but that might not be for a long time and when I say a long time I'm talking about you know after he's you know graduated from high school you know. So let's talk about this what what happened what would happen if you just you know when he says things you know about this you acknowledge him and just say you know I hear how you feel and leave it at that and and don't get into a further discussion about it how would he react to that. I think that's been one of those those lessons that I learned from your podcast which is not getting into that argument negotiation vortex and it's been really positive where I struggle Ryan is the guilt the internal guilt that I have as a father in thinking to myself he hates being in my house like he doesn't want to be here he feels like it's unfair and so oftentimes I guess I feel myself wanting to kind of maybe let things slide a little bit and maybe let things go so he can feel like he's getting something yeah he might not normally get and a lot of times my my wife will remind me hey you gotta stay on top of this with Rick like if you give him too much screen time a lot of times that manifests itself in acting out and bad behavior yes and you know resistance to doing expectations but a lot of it really comes into me managing my own dad guilt with with how Rick feels yeah and I also want to point out on top of this you're also spread thin with with three other kids in the house you know and and I think you know we need to acknowledge that I mean this is this is a lot for anybody and I have no question I would feel the same way particularly if I had to have you know a different structure and different expectations for you know one of my four kids so I guess one of the things I'm wondering and tell me what you know you think about this is I'm wondering if you can have a conversation just you and him and talk about you know and basically you know share what you just share that that it's hard for you sometimes because you know you want every you know you want all the kids to be treated equally and you understand that you know you do need to do certain things differently with with him to help him learn to manage his ADHD that's going to benefit him over the long term which he fully can't understand right now right because he's he's 14 and he can't you know visualize the future but I you know I'm wondering if that could be you know a discussion where you can say to him look you know I would like to be you know have some some more flexibility with some things and and I want your input on them because I value you know what you think and what you have to say and you know obviously I want you to be happy so you know here's the things that there is not flexibility with there's not flexibility with screen time but there could be flexibility with a b and c so which one of those you know would you like some more flexibility with so you know what I'm saying is you know open the discussion to him so you can do some collaborative problem solving and maybe give him a little more leeway in an area that you know will not have detrimental effects for him or for the rest of the you know the family that's a great that's a great idea and that's something that's again taking a cue from from the scaffolding and bringing him into a conversation you know that was something that we did about four weeks ago was having that conversation with I understand that there are some things that you don't like what are some of the things that that you don't like and there were things that was like hey this is a non-negotiable but here are things that I think you should consider working on you know in terms of how can we develop a better relationship with our step siblings and our sibling like what are some actions that you can do that you can start to build back some of that trust with them and start working on those relationships and I sort of put together a not not just a contract that outlines if you do these things but also a second page that has these things listed and you should actively put like a tick mark by them when you feel like you've done that what are your thoughts on that because I feel like a lot of times these conversations go like we'll talk about it but it's kind of in one ear out the other and I think that's the nature of ADHD is that you'll you'll you'll you'll talk with him about it but he'll kind of forget it by the time the next transition period rolls around and he's back in the household so I want something more permanent that he can look at and be reminded that okay like I'm working at achieving this goal in eight weeks and to get to this goal I've got to do these things consistently over the next eight weeks is that too much well here's the thing and I'm gonna I'm gonna put myself in rick's shoes for a minute okay if you if you came to me with that I would say here's just another thing that's wrong with me that my father's telling me I need to improve on and the reason why is because you're it's basically I think from his perspective it feels like right this is all things that I have to do you know to change and to improve what I'm trying to convey is that I think it would be good to have a discussion with him that you would you would like to you know make room for you know his voice to be heard a little more because developmentally at 14 that that is important um you know and and come at it from the perspective of you know what you know why don't you you know give you know list for me three things that you would like differently under with the understanding that screen time is not negotiable so instead of you telling him right this is what you need to improve or these are things you can improve you want to come at this from the angle of you know I want I want to respect that you know you're becoming a young man and um I want to be able to give you some more freedom um and and let's talk about ways that that could happen that we're you know that we both could be okay with right so instead of saying you know here's the problem that you have to work on let's work on this together and it's not about you changing your behavior it's me you know giving you a little more freedom because I want to respect where you're at does that make sense it does make sense our custody agreement is one week on one week off so Rick goes he's gone for a week and then he comes back how do I kind of remind him of that how do we kind of re-engage that mindset what do you recommend yeah so two things I would say what what day does he usually come back Wednesdays okay so I would send him a text Wednesday morning and just you know I hope you have a good day in school looking forward to seeing you this afternoon you know just a reminder that you know what we had talked about was that you know if you want some more you know whatever you want some more you know free time um then this is what needs to happen when you get home so so we want to just kind of do that front loading and in the morning reminding him because what that's also doing is it's helping to prepare him for the transition you know several hours before he gets back because we do want him to get in the in that you know mind shift that like oh right now there's going to be more structure happening this afternoon and this is what I need to be thinking about so I can tell you you know with with my son I mean I always for transitions like that I mean I always had to start kind of front loading with him two to three days in advance because I knew there was going to be issues and you know whether that was going back to school after a vacation or whatever it might have been you know if for instance if I knew that he was going to have to do something on a Saturday he didn't want to do I would start talking about it on on Thursday you know and not not really talking about it just just little reminders like that to kind of prepare him that's great that's a great reminder of how to use front loading so let me just go back though to the conversation for a minute because I think we you know talking a little bit about two different things and I just wanted to make sure you know you understood where I was coming from that that I I wanted to I want this to feel to to Rick like you know he's getting more of a voice here um and and not you know that he has to work towards something you know in in terms of relationships does that does that make sense it does okay yes and just keep in mind you know for any 14 year old whether it's our family or not you know we don't always at 14 you really don't have the relationship skills yet to kind of self reflect and and necessarily think okay these are all the things that I need to do to improve relationships and particularly with your family you don't always have the motivation to do that because you know like I mentioned at the beginning families who you can be yourself around you know so I I think what I'm saying is I would stay away from that topic for for the time being um with him um you know and and because again it's not helping him feel heard if if we try to say like these are things that you need to work on you know and I I think from what you're saying part of what I'm hearing is that he doesn't like feeling singled out so the way we can help him with that is to help him feel that you know his you know what he wants is is being heard and and that you're willing to work with that you know and that's also modeling flexibility for him that makes sense that's a really good point just from my clarification there are typically Wednesdays the the most difficult day during the week yeah they are um it's typically Wednesdays and Thursdays I would always sort of compare it to like you're kind of breaking him of old habits when he comes back yeah okay tell me a little bit about your communication with him when he's at his mother's house like do you text him do you call him like what kind of happens there's really not a lot of communication at all okay all right so one thing I'm going to suggest is and and you know and and this is you know more from from your end is I would text him once a day when he's at his mother's okay okay um text text or call and and well I would actually do both okay I would text him in the morning just hi hope you have a good day at school and and then you know in the afternoon I would or at night you know give him a call just say you know hey how how is school I wouldn't get into discussions about homework you know really unless unless he asks or unless you feel like it's essential and here's why I'm telling you to do this so there's this concept we we call it vigilant care which means that kids feel their parents presence when they're not with them and I'm wondering if part of the difficulties with Wednesday and Thursday is that he's not feeling your presence enough when he's not with you okay and and granted you know we can't control what goes on at his mother's house but he can know that you're thinking of him and he can feel your presence and I think by doing that it's I think it's actually going to help make the transition easier because he's going to feel more that you're with him even when you're not does that make sense that makes a ton of sense I never even thought about that yeah and I think this is part of the difficulty with the I mean look the transition could be difficult for any kid 80 HD or not it just so happens to be more difficult for kids with 80 HD when there's two very different structures and two different homes you know but particularly for for his age yeah I think he needs to feel your your presence more when he's not with you that's a great idea Ryan yeah so I would say that just you know quick text in the morning you know and if he doesn't respond that's okay with the goal with this is for for you know him to understand you're thinking about him when you're not with him you know so so that's why you know saying quick text in the morning call or text you know afternoon evening and then you know Wednesday morning just say you know hey here's what's happening today you know when when you get back or you know this is what the rest of the week or the weekend looks like for you or for the family whatever so so we're just putting that kind of additional front loading in you know on on Wednesdays to help prepare him for the transition that's that's great yeah I get him back I get him back tomorrow so I'll start I'm gonna start doing that like this afternoon give him a call after school and then do this then start tomorrow morning with the text I think it's a great idea yeah and and if he and if he says like why are you calling me or texting me so much just say I just want you to know I'm thinking about you that's all you know yep doesn't have to go beyond that yeah that's great other things that that would be helpful to discuss you know I just not really other than just giving you mad kudos for kind of everything that you've done I think you know I um one of the things that I advocated for was getting him on a stimulant which we just got him on a stimulant back in November and a lot of that was you know pointing me in the direction of Dr. Russell Barkley and learning about stimulants and the science behind it and then advocating for him and because I just felt like something wasn't right like the medication that he was on just was not it wasn't helping it wasn't you know we're still getting the reports from school and um I remember the story in office hours I think you brought this up yeah ever since like he's been on a stimulant that the disturbances at school have just plummeted like I don't get negative reports anymore it's it really has been a very positive finding I frankly I stumbled upon your podcast like you know six months a year ago and just started listening like like just voraciously sucking up all the information and it's really changed how I manage Rick's ADHD it's completely giving me the confidence I need to parent him in a way that I truly think he's enjoying much more than I did it before good I'm really happy to hear that I want to know what he's had to say about himself in regards to the meds does does he feel better about himself you know does he say it's easier to pay attention like what feedback has he given you if any yes he has like he said like now that I'm on a stimulant like I would often use the words impulsive and reactive to describe his his behavior and he has now understood that the stimulant helps him with that impulsivity with that reactivity and he's he said that back to me like I've noticed that when I'm like in class like I can I can focus on things like I'm I can stop myself before I do these things wow yeah it's been huge that's that's great and tell me is he taking it on the weekends absolutely okay good and a lot of that was again because of the research on kind of brain development and kind of neuroplasticity that came out of Dr. Barker yes there's like absolutely having him on that has helped at home in terms of his compliance with just asking him to do the same things that we're asking the other kids to do but now asking him to take out the trash or recycling or read for an hour like it's like okay like I'll go do I'll get I'm gonna take care of it's like total world of difference good I'm really happy to hear that that's great yeah it's been great it's been great Ryan good any other questions for me no I don't think so I really appreciate the opportunity to have a conversation and I'll keep keep listening good yeah and thank you so much and yeah I'll be curious you know to hear when when you start you know reaching out to him you know when when he's at his mother's if you you know if you find that to be helpful because I I have a sense it really will be I think so too all right it was great talking to you thanks you too all right take care bye thanks bye thanks for listening to learn more about Mike's practice grow now ADHD please visit his website grow now ADHD.com to learn about the services Ryan provides please visit ADHDdude.com you can find Mike on Instagram at grow now ADHD and Ryan on the ADHD dude YouTube channel we'd love to hear your feedback or questions so feel free to contact us at the ADHD parenting podcast at gmail.com the ADHD parenting podcast and content posted by grow now ADHD or ADHD dude are presented solely for information and educational purposes our goal is to provide valuable insights and knowledge not to replace professional services Mike and Ryan cannot provide clinical consultation or free advice through social media or other forms of communication the information on this podcast is not a substitute for professional advice if you are your child have any medical or mental health concerns please consult your healthcare professionals