Humble Arms

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Shamelessly promote the rainbow, taste the rainbow. And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Crisen and Robert Kelly. You just saw Jacob's face. No. I mean... It'll do it. That's the face he's making. Yeah, yeah, that's what I do. I speak for Jacob's face. Can you... Jacob, what's your face? Don't forget this. Pick up the funny boys. You're losing grandpa Jakey. You're watching another video. Shia LaBeouf's old news. Oh, I hate armpit hair on women. There'll be a naked girl on here later. That'll wake him up. That's gonna wake him up. She's black, which he hates. Do you? He'll get past it. That's not him. She's a beautiful black woman. You got the wrong guy. No, I love black women. I'm into black women again. Again? Yeah, I phase in and out. You get out of the permanent? Well, you know, you get a type. It's not racist. It's just I like black chicks. Racist? Racist. I got nervous when I said it. It's not... I'm not a racist. It's I like blondes. I usually like brunettes, but sometimes I'll get into a little blonde action. Sometimes I'm into... Terrarian. Spanish. Kind of always into Spanish. Yeah. Well, they liked you because they thought you were Spanish. Puerto Rican. Yeah. I like the Puerto Rican. It wasn't you didn't lean into it and shave your mustache right above your lip, though. Ooh. You leaned right into it, dude. Yeah, I did. You got yourself a Don Flamenco. I should have got a sword. The one's... The actress who's coming in is that with a penis? She has a penis or no? Unfortunately, no. Unfortunately, there's no fun surprise. By the way, Jacob's been begging for this to be a penis. Yeah. We covered this already, Jacob. I've been in his ear. No. I've been in his ear. We talked about this over and over again. Addis Fouchet, who's coming in later, was the... She was the not trans. You're right. Who came in with the three trans gals to talk about the, I guess, trans town hall they were gonna do. I don't remember what the event was. He was very attractive. Yeah, she's what we called boo in the business. Oh, yeah. No, she's... Addis is gorgeous. Oh, my God. I'm talking the trans business. I think you're... I'm talking the fun business. And I gotta say, also, I feel like pictures don't do her much justice, quite honestly. Really? She's much prettier out of... She's... I mean, she looks great in pictures, I'm saying, but I think in person, she's very, very like... She was. Alluring. Yes. Well, we're gonna do a great thing with her today. Her and Ralph. Yeah. We have a mild work-wife, Ralph, coming in, talking about a little event that him and Addis Fouchet, amongst others, are doing this week, I believe, tomorrow? Thursday. Thursday? So if you guys are in town and want to check that out, it's gonna be... It's called How to Date a Porn Star. It's some live event they're doing. That? Stand Up New York. Stand Up New York. Where does that exist now? 552 West 38th. 552 West 38th? Where the fuck is that? The Rosewood Theater. Oh. Could you do that? Yeah, you could. Hypothetically, I'm saying... Well, date at Porn Star? Yeah, you know your girlfriend's... How lasted by a giant cock? These are the questions when they get in here. Yeah. Well, I want to pick your brain. But we're gonna go through it there. We're gonna talk about the things all about that stuff. Yeah, why don't you pick the brain when they're in here? Yeah. But we don't know. We didn't take the class. I could... If you're asking if I could... I could... Before you take the class. I could date a Porn Star done with porn. Is it How to Date a Porn Star or Could You Date a Porn Star? It's How to. It's gonna be Ralph giving you advice on, I guess. Fuck it. First of all, money. Yeah, bury your emotions away. Money. Don't believe in God. Have no belief in God. No religion whatsoever. No. And, you know, be into watching her fuck other dudes. Basically follow the path of Satan. Yeah. No. Corinne Fisher's on the show also. Dante Nero knows how to treat a bitch. Natalia Starr, my old pal. I know. What does it say? Robin Schumberg. Did you make that up? Was that written? Knows how to treat a bitch. Uh, Hu-Dante? Yeah. Oh, no, I just said that. Oh, I thought that was written. That would be great if it was written. No, but Dante knows how to straight a bitch out. Dante Nero, I don't know how to straight a bitch out. Yeah, how to fucking date a porn star? Tell her what's what. Slap her fucking mouth. I forgot about an email that Leni sent me to give us some insight. And this is the list of Ralph's porn star. That he took it up with? Yeah. Oh, no, no. Some say date and some say sex. So I assume date just means dinner. Courtney Taylor, no idea. Is this all of it? Let me go up here. Yeah, you gotta go to the top. Courtney. Just real quick before you get into his resume, does he only date porn stars? Well, he's an idiot. Hookers. No. No. He dates, uh, well, yeah, he likes to. He's a porn hooker. He takes, he swings for the fences of porn stars and stuff like that, you know, and like young, dumb, like internet chicks. He's not into like human beings who live in a neighborhood. He's not into a, he's not into a girl with her own brain. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He likes a girl who's somewhere answering to an ethnic fellow who's willing to cut her if she's late. Right, got it, got it. And then, but I don't know if he can't get hard if it's not that situation or something. Or she has to be able to not speak English very well. If he, she has a college education. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Well, the high school education. If she was like, hi, my name's Doctor, he runs the other way. Right, okay. He's like, you're not gonna fucking eat a girl's pussy while I fall asleep at 9 p.m. in fucking Caribbean. You have self-respect. Courtney Taylor, penthouse pet of the year 2004. That's pretty funny. Long distance dating plus sex when she was in town. Victoria Zidrock, who was one of my least favorite fucking SDR shows ever. Why is that? Because her and her daughter came in. And her daughter was an influencer already. She was cute, dippy as fucking shit. That's the precursor to a porn star, influencer, right? Well, her mother brought her on the show because she's trying to convince her that she should be doing pornography. That's disgusting. And then they were the two dumbest people in the world that we played a game against them, like do a daughter or mother know each other better than me and Ralph. And then me and Ralph, they're so stupid and just staring blankly that me and Ralph just gave each other the answers out loud. And then the other person would go, so I'm gonna say the answer, I'd go Ralph, it's D. And Ralph goes, I'm gonna say D. And then he's like, that's correct. And the girls be like, you guys know each other. Really, like they were, it was a mother and daughter. Two generation of retard. How is that? What's the guy that used to be here? He worked with Stern too? Tim? Meadows? No, the one that's on the wall. Sabian. Tim Sabian. He called me a long time ago before I did this show to ask me about doing a possible pilot or something with her. That's not her daughter, I don't think. No, this does not. That's another time she was there. No, that's another time she was there. She came back? Yeah, go back to Ralph's list, please. So anyway, long story short, Victoria's a drunk. Who calls herself a doctor, by the way, is pretty funny. The sister of the second owner of Penthouse Magazine, one night stand, that doesn't mean anything. That means nothing to us. London Keys, no idea. Pornstar, sex, they had sex. Jayden Lee, sex and date is steadily for six months, took her to his wedding. Ooh. Jayden Cole, one night, one stand sex. Bellinox, come on, Ralph. One date and Ralph turned her down when she asked for a say, okay, good, that's the girl, it's like it cuts herself. Do you remember Bellinox? She was the one that like the Duke University student, that was big news, because she made porn, and was like, so what? Like, what, a girl can't, you know, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna become a whatever, doctor, in some shape. But right now, I'm putting myself through school by doing this, and then all these girls came out to her thing like, yeah, stop slut shaming. I mean, Corinne Fisher and Christine Hutchins started a whole podcast based off of it. And then we zoomed in real tight, so you could see all over her legs the self-cut, harm marks she does to herself. Like, yeah, no, she's fine. No, you guys are right. She's doing the right thing. She's doing the right thing. She's doing the right thing. She's doing the right thing. Bellinox. Is that her? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's her. I figure what she looks like, but she was a tiny little thing, yeah. Yeah, kind of nice puss. We're wrapped around that big, fat, dorkess. Yeah, maybe I was looking at that. Probably. Laura Desiree is the one Josh would hook up with. She's very pretty. Dorenzia, no idea, they dated. Cheyenne Silver, penthouse pet dated. She was a porn star back in the day. Tanya Parker, Kendra Sutherland, penthouse pet and porn star, they dated, that's not true. Well, I think dated means that he took them out and they didn't sleep with him. Well, it's not really a list of anything. She took free dinner. Alana Love, dated and sex, oh, Ralph. Why are we having- That girl blew a guide in front of us on the show once. Why are we having this piece of shit on the show? Ralph? No, I'm kidding. Well, who will talk about us? I know, really, he's yelling, I've been listening to it going like, hey, good for Ralph, I'm like, ah, oh, fucking dumb. But right now he's steady with somebody, right? I don't think so. Exactly. That girl hasn't been born yet. Yeah, oh yeah. Ralph's wife hasn't been born yet. She just had the umbilical cord cut. No, I'm very excited to have Ralph in. His dating habits always grossed me out. He knows that. Tanya Parker, the penthouse pet and rock of love bus winner. Oh, Eskimo Bros with fucking Brett Michaels. Tanya, let's see what Tanya Parker looks like. I'm trying to remember. It's a list. I used to watch that show. Yeah, but it is a very like, it's dated, doesn't mean, that means they went to dinner, she's right. That's nice. She's got a nice one. It's a problem with penthouse though, man. It's they talk about editing, man. They were like the airbrush darken your skin, pink up your pussy. Yeah. Do you remember they started getting in the piss and the piss would be like golden yellow? It was like an unnatural color of piss coming at us. I'm like, oh my God, wouldn't you just have fucking electrolytes? They make the vagina look like we're Skittles are made. Yeah. It's like two nothing on it. You know what I mean? It looks like a like a scalpel incision. Yeah, it's too perfect. But dated in sex. Oh my God. And then went on a date. But again, Christine's right. This is a dumb list to send because he's like, oh, he went to dinner with him. Like these girls will say yes to whatever. They don't give a shit. Yeah. So he said this? No leaning to. I hope he knows. I mean, he would talk about it all the time. But Lana love, he fucked her. God Ralph. I tried Lonnie love. I don't have to fuck Lonnie love. No, Lana loves cute, but it's, she's also like, I don't know, we just like watched her like public fuck before. Ugh. It's like it's all right. Yeah. Oh no. There she is. Oh my God. So Ralph's coming in to give advice on how to date porn stars. If you wanna fuck this shit, Ralph's gonna tell you how. And stay in New York. Hold hard. Cash. Yes. You know, we can make fun of this because it sells itself, dude. If you're out there and you wanna learn how to date a porn star, you'll go to this fucking thing. And by the way, Ralph will tell you. You need two guys to do a successful podcast and then start a network and then you too can get the money to fuck a porn star. Oh God. You're paying for all this. Probably. This whole fucking shindig's probably funded by my fucking skanks dollars. This is all coming out of skanks. Son of a bitch. God bless him. Lana love. X, X, X. He's no patent though, so that's good. What? No patents than Claire, so that's good. How old is Ralph? He's gotta be like 50. 67 years old? What the fucking front door? He's either born in 69 or 70. He died years ago and then they put a new brain and they waited for the great storm. Did they take old porn star guys, body parts to make him? Is that why he can only date these people? Yeah, he goes, Cooze. No, it's brains. Cooze. Cooze. I want Cooze. Me. Ralph love Cooze. Ralph no monster. Ralph hurt porn star. He killed all these girls at dead. He killed them. Dated, defeated by fire. A lot of love, sex, escaped with her life barely. Electricity storm, save her life. Shut him down for a couple hours. You only can beat Ralph as a Dracula? He sucks. Good old Ralphie boy. Get in here Ralphie boy, he's gonna be here with Addis Fouchet for the second hour of the show. Buddy, today. You had a thing. I sent you a video of a handicap girl singing while her parents were exploiting her and you said I sent you on the train before you realized that was hilariously funny and then also again extremely tragic as you will find out on Thursday show. Very tragic but funny. Very funny until it's very tragic. And then it gets funny again. But then we'll bring back the funny towards the end of that. All you have to do is play that one video. It's fine, it just snaps you right back. But you were saying it but you saw it at first and just didn't drink it in as funny. Yeah. And you were coming off of a rough thing. You were in therapy today, right? I was in between when I got off the train of therapy. And you finally told him what you'd done? It's hard for me to say because I wanna be humble. Oh shit. What? What? Nothing. I wanna be humble. And I wanna look at everybody in here because you know me and I know you guys. And this is what we do, we have fun. Is this story gonna be why you're so exhausted right now? Are you emotionally drained from something? I think I'm emotionally drained. Because outside you were gone ski. Well, because I ate too much at the buffet. I can't do good at a buffet. And I ate all that sweet chicken and pork and it was too much. And then I had noodles and my blood sugar. You gotta do what I do, dude. You gotta grab the little container. I know. You always grab the big container and then you feel like you gotta fill up every part of it. I know and I can't even eat a lot of it but I ate all the shitty food and then it fucked me up. You can do what Christine did. Get a little container and heavily load it up until it falls on the floor, some of it. And then Asian people roll their eyes at her at me. Ridiculous. She literally. I was like, she's her own person. I don't know, she doesn't represent me. She stuffed all, like seven different foods together and made one dish. It was crazy. It was mushed up. It looks like one of those milkshakes and it's been said it was like avocado, a piece of sushi, grilled veggies, mashed potatoes and salmon. Half avocado, mashed potatoes and she got, you got macaroni, macaroni salad and you mush it against potatoes. Yeah, I separated it immediately. It was not good. You could mush it into a ball, a small container and it made it into a whole thing. You should've got a big container like Bobby. It was just not good. It would've been good separated. You had a five course, one course meal. Yeah, it was pretty, it was like fucking astronaut food. But the portion is fake. She was future for it. Get it on. It didn't fit in the box. Absolutely did not fit in the box. It looks like that goes into a weird blender. It comes out in a pill. And he goes, that's because I've now gotten all the nutrients of that dish. I felt because I closed the thing, not because it was piling out of the fucking box. It fell onto the floor. So what happened Bobby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Always a dear get to. This was terrible. I thought you were saying something embarrassing and humiliating happened, humiliating. And instead you're saying I'm trying to be humble, which means I didn't realize you were coming in to tell us another story of heroics. I didn't know this, Jay. I didn't know this either, that once you are a hero, I guess something emulates off of you, off of my face, maybe, to where when somebody needs somebody to save somebody, they come to you. Is emulate the right thing there? It emulates off of you? I don't believe so. I think it means emanates. Eminates. Eminates. No, I mean emulate. I don't think so. So you're saying it was something that's behaving like you is coming off of you? In a roundabout way, but then it glows too. Well, I'm lost in this puzzle anyway. It is. To heroics. Emulate, read it Christine, don't just look at it. To emulate awesome one means to admire, imitate, and strive to equal or surpass their achievement, skills, or qualities. I meant, I'm asking this, I'm asking a question. Are you saying this to prove Bobby right, to let him know that he's right? No, I'm just saying what it is. No, wow, she's not gonna dump quick. She's not gonna dump quick. She goes, no, no, no, listen, Bobby. It's exactly the opposite of what you said. What you meant. I was saying, so happy that she was jumping into dumb bucket with me. Yes. I was just told to read. And what is it again? Lou? Eminate. Eminate. I guess it emanates off of me. Comes off of me. I was walking to therapy today on 14th Street in the rain, and all of a sudden, this Spanish woman, now they're doing work on the street, so they have like a little barrier, so the sidewalk is very close together to the buildings on the left side of 14th Street between six and fifth, close to the fifth. And a woman runs up to my face. Help me, help me. I need help, help me. Can you please emulate a hero? And of course, because of who I am and what I've been through, I ran with her. And you're wearing a shirt that says, ask me for help. I am not. I ran over and there was a man on the ground who was, I don't know what was happening. Something was bad. His eyes were rolling back in his head, and it was, I think her daughter or somebody was holding him, and she was like, please help. Did you tell him you only help black people? No, that's not true. I hope all minorities. All minorities. No whites. I do help whites. Not your problem, it's whites though. It's not my problem. You self-hate, motherfucker. Well, you know what? Help yourself, you have enough. You have health care. You have all that privilege. Help yourself if you're having a street heart attack. So I ran over of course, and I immediately called 911. Nice. 911, I got on the phone, I said, there's a man right now. Nuevo uno uno. Is that what you had to tell her? She goes, okay, okay. Nuevo uno uno. Dude. Dude. Where's the dude button? I immediately hit 911. Now, there's people walking by, there's people, nobody's calling 911. Nobody's, I called 911 immediately, and I'm on the phone. You're on speed dial like a lady. Yes, Bob. You called the Bob phone? And she said, yes, 911. I go, there's an emergency. I need an ambulance between fifth and sixth, and I ran and got the number of the closest building. Say less. And... I got the number. I'm already in root. I said, I said, I... I said... So I said, I said the number, and I said, the man's on the ground, he needs help. I believe he might be having a seizure or a heart attack. He's still awake, he's still coherent, he's still alive, but I don't know how for long, how long, how much longer he's gonna be. I don't know what's happening with him. They said, sir. I'm gonna start compressions. They said, sir, you need to give me the address again. I gave it again. And then I said, you need to send somebody immediately. Listen to me. Time is off the essence. So then she said, I need you to stay on the phone with me. So I'm on the phone next to the guy. The girl is holding him up, and she's like, you know, I need you to stay on the phone. Absolutely. Police are on their way. So I'm like, great. La policia en route. So I say, I'm relaying this to her. She's panicking. She's like, please, please. And I'm like, the police are on the way, the ambulance is on the way, it's coming now. Por favor, you mean. Por favor. So, so. Gracias. You got these chickens off my suit? God damn cock fight. Man, it's hard to be a hero. So I'm calming her down. I'm like, you gotta calm down. They're on the way. Everything's gonna be all right. I need you to hold his head up, hold his head up, keep his head off the ground, make sure his legs, knees are up, keep his knees up, like, you know, off the ground. And I just make sure he doesn't, you know, if he starts to move, try to hold him back, hold his arms back and hold his head to the side. Now, immediately, cop shows up. When the cop shows up, I step over him like, I don't know how to understand you. That'd have been awesome. You're like, well, works done here. A hero's job is never done. I'm not the hero you want, I'm the hero you deserve. So I filled the police officer in with all the information he needs, what's happening. And he's like, all right, thank you, sir. Now I stood there and I waited for the ambulance to come. I was like, the ambulance is on its way. He's like, great. So then I'm on the phone with the 911 waiting for him to keep the ladies like, are they coming? Are they coming? And I'm like, they're on their way. You'll hear the sirens when they come. So I waited, waited and waited. And then when the, I heard the sirens coming, I go, they're here. And I just faded into the darkness. And they go, mister, how will we ever find you if we need you again? Wherever there is injustice or a seizing Mexican, you will find Bob man. So now I'm standing over there. Please, are there any spiders there? I have to know there's no spiders there. Don't fuck with me. Oh. Batman out, Bob man. How long between? What seems to be the problem? Spider. A Joker, a Riddler perhaps, but uh, oh. Oh, how big it's, oh, there it is. I said, I can say it. Dead. My Batman is dangerously loose. So now I'm standing. How long till the ambulance came? It was a little bit. It was a little bit. It was a little bit day. And uh, it was not muy vaguito. It was a little bit. So I had to, you know, I had to be there for a minute, but then I vanished and then. Did you then reemerge in a full costume? When I was standing across, I standing across the street now and this young Asian woman came over to me. She goes, I want to thank you. Mister, you're a hero. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams, have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colours of the rainbow? Because that is exactly what you get with Skittles. Five bold fruit flavours in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and blackcurrant. They're chewy, they're colourful, they're perfect. Just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles. Shamelessly promote the rainbow, taste the rainbow. I'm in the kitchen with Charlie Bigham. So what have we got here, Charlie? My brand new pan-fried pad thai noodles. Noodles? But you're Mr Fish Pie Guy. Guilty. And what? Ovens, roulette roasting. The pan is king of noodling. Whether it's pad thai, yakisoba or laxer, finding that perfect texture is a bottomless noodle rabbit hole. But all I have to do is stir it in the pan for six minutes, right? Bingo. Try the new Charlie Bighams. Asian pan-fried noodle range, handmade in my kitchen. Pan-fried in yours. There are things in life we make more complicated than they need to be and things that we worry about that we don't need to. Like making tax digital for income tax. Summaps-free MTD for income tax solution is ideal for sole traders turning over more than 50,000 a year. It's already built into the sum-up platform so you can stay compliant without paying for software or worrying about getting it wrong. Did I mention it's free? Getting started is easy. Just search SumUp MTD Online. You're a hero. You know your hero? You try to be humbre, but you'll be hero. Because the L's before the E in humble. So I'm with humbre. You try to be humbre, but he's a very good hero. So I... Duh-de-duh-duh-dee. Duh-duh-duh-duh-dee. Duh-duh-duh-duh-dee. Duh-duh-duh-duh-dee. Duh-duh-duh-duh-dee-duh. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-dee. Duh-duh-duh-duh-dee. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Thank you. So I...she said to me, what you did was amazing, that you called them so fast and you were there. In Chinese? No, she was not. She was Chinese, but she was not speaking in a Chinese accent. She was a young girl, probably a student. And then I was like, all right, Graham, glad he's okay. And then I walked a little further around the corner and another woman came up to me. She was like, thank you for doing that. And I was like, it's what I do. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. And I stuck my hand up in the air. Bob Manow. I stuck my hand up in the air. And I went, it's what I do. And did one of those women slide down your body until she was laying and hugging your leg? Yeah. Why you pointed up? And I just stood there and then all of a sudden the ambulance came up and you could hear the sirens. And when they came up, she looked over that way and I was gone again. Oh my God, dude, twice vanished into the darkness. I have...now I've saved two lives. What? This was a full life save? Well, you don't know if he made it. Why? Oh, yes, it's true. You don't know if he made it. And those little China ladies could have just been saying, wacky, she had no idea what they were saying. Well, you know, I didn't stay until you made it. They were like, be my baby, be my baby, be my baby, be my baby. Godzilla. I didn't stay until you made it. But that's, which is weird, because it's Japanese. It wasn't even. They kept saying Godzilla and Wathra, but those are Japanese names. Jacob, as a hero, you can't, you can't save everyone. Yeah. Are you sure she was Chinese and not Japanese? Did you ask her? I said Asian. Right, but I, no, I said Chinese and you said yes, she was Chinese, but you know she was Chinese. I don't know the difference. She could have been Japanese. She could have been Japanese. Did she have the fear of Godzilla in her heart? I don't know. I didn't go, ehhhhh. Yo. Ehhhhh. Yo. Nope. All practical effects. Yeah. Come on. That was, I've heard worse Godzilla's. That's the sound. Ehhhhh. Ehhhhh. Ehhhhh. Ehhhhh. Damn, Bobby. Bobby. Ehhhhh. When you impressed me, you impressed the fucking shit out of me. So I mean. You never cease to amaze me. Why, out of all the people on the street, why are all the people walking by, one of the busiest intersections in Manhattan, 14th and 5th. Yeah. Do they, does a woman come up to me and my face? You must have helped me. No. You helped. And ran to me. Ran to me. It emulates off of you. It emulates. Oh yeah. It emulates and it also, what's the other one Lou? M&A. M&A. It eminates. Also that I guess. I guess that one. They're close. They're very close. They are. So I was debating, now because of, I guess this is what I do. This is who God or the universe has chosen me to be. What? A hero, a saver of people or being there for people when they need somebody. And this is what I do. Now, do I just quietly do it and just maybe next time I will, maybe next time I won't tell you guys, but I wanted to tell you guys and the people listening in the bonfire, because I want to let them know that you could be a hero too. Lou, Jay, you, Lou, you. No, I would have walked. Lou, I looked at you. I thought about it before I said it. You could, you could be a hero. If I can be a hero, you can be a hero. Jay. Me. Yeah. No. She came over barking that Chinese shit at me. I was like, I don't know you. She was saying, yeah, so it's scam and walk away. So even weirder, she's Spanish speaking, yelling Chinese at me. I don't trust that. Those are gypsies. Immediately I thought it was a hustle and left. Yeah, without a doubt. I want to bring fucking, I would have pulled that guy's wallet out, took the cash and put it in his mouth. So he didn't swallow his tongue. I go, hey, here's my doctor's fee. And then shove his fucking wallet in his mouth and move on and get him a kick in the gut for good measure at the end. I go, oh, hey, what's up? My dad was in NAM. I go, okay, I think he's going to be fine. Just keep him on his side. Oh, wait, before we do something real quick, put this cigarette in his mouth. You missed. Fuck, dude. You could have the cigarette. Tell him he can keep the cigarette when he wakes up. Yeah. Out of all the people around, they just, you know, they saw it. And I, I, thank you guys. Thank you. Well, what was that? That was a special needs kid. Oh, thank you. Black lady singing your praises. Yeah, dude. Gotham City is open to everyone. It's not just for the Abled. It's not just for the Abled body anymore. I, uh, yeah, so there you go. I mean, number two. Number two. Why were you down about that? You felt. I wasn't down about it. I was humbled, which is can't seem down. You're not humbled. Humbled. Bobby. Humbled is quiet. I've never seen you sit back, chest out more telling a story than you did that story right there. Yeah. Even when you say those black people, because you're worried that story is going to fall apart when word gets back from Costa Rica. Because you know, we have no international connection to find out the validity of that story. That story is a hundred percent true. Well, you put some good facts in it to make it sound true. You could swim better than an entire black family of athletes. Sure. Well, I mean, that's not a big stretch at all. Of course not. Now they don't want to get their hair wet, then they drown. Yeah. Well, they get the hair wet and it pulls them to the bottom. That's what absolutely happens. The hair gets wet. It holds up so much water and then they fucking go top heavy sinking right down to the ground. Yes, Jacob. Do you have any thoughts on my science there? No, I don't know one way or the other. Oh, you've never seen black people get wet. This kind of, okay. Well, sorry, Prince. We didn't all get to fucking swim without black people. I've laughed four or five times since it was released, the Alisa Deek video. While you were explaining to Ali how Bobby was a hero. And Bobby had humble arms. Yeah. Like this. He was very uncomfortable. Yeah. You telling his hero story? Oh, because he wanted to tell more. He had more. Bobby was like, you're leaving out. You're leaving out that unprovoked, I fucking dove head first into the water and then almost saved the father too. No, it's more. He had uncomfortable. I don't need this recognition. It's more like, I don't, yeah, I don't. It's not about the recognition. It's not about the recognition. No, it's not. I felt like you were uncomfortable because you know, Ali wasn't going to be impressed because he stopped hearing the story when he heard black people trying to swim. Right. He was like, that's getting at your lane. And then they shouldn't have done that. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to see black loose ass out there in the Costa Rica and undercurrent. Because. He's black and if his hair gets wet, did you not hear me before? It turns into like concrete on their heads. It turns into the stuff inside of pillows. It's so dense. It's like fucking tasty cake cake. It takes so much milk. I just wanted to, I just, you know, I, the next time it happens, which he probably will. I won't tell you. Oh, you say heroic's happen in threes. No, you should because you want to inspire. I want to inspire, but I feel like I've inspired, but I don't. I feel like you poisoned in a Hispanic guy this morning and then went and helped him. I think you're setting up situations for you to stop. Oh, you think, you think that's me doing it? I think you go, hey homeless guy. I'll give you $20 to rob this deli. And then you're going to fucking shoot him in his face and actually going to shoot him in his chest and he's going to go, but you told, and you got to shoot him again before he says that you told him the wrong place. So you could be the hero. How am I the hero? Cause he was robbing it. Yeah. Yeah. And you came in and shot him in the fucking face and saved those people. Yeah. I didn't expect you to understand how heroism works. Damn right. Damn right. I don't understand it. You know, I, and I understand that you don't understand it and it's okay. You are, you are different than me for, and, and Jay, like I said, you, you, I'm closer to him. I don't know if you heard, are you out of your mind, dude? I gave my leftover fucking food to a retarded kid in Raleigh, North Carolina. This guy doesn't listen to a story. I thank you. This guy's no story. I say, I don't know if you know this, but at first I was weird with a retarded kid and then I realized he was retarded and I made nice with him and then I paid for him, his retarded friends and the adults food. Yeah. And then he was retarded. Heroes understand heroes. The non-retards got a little too. Yeah. He didn't have to do that. That's above and beyond hero. Bobby didn't humiliate his, the hero, the victim. No, he poisoned the Chinese guys. We could save his life. He was Spanish. I think. Yeah. Now you can't tell. I understand you'd say he was in a spring into action. Someone having a seizure all of his Chinese. I spin into, I do spin into action. And I would, I would have walked away thinking this is a spring. Spring into action. I actually spun. I twirled all the way over to the guy. You took your costume. That's all I say. When you, when you, when you finish the turn, you're in costume. My new coat is part of it. You're like, you're like the little kid turns into a D Snyder and the Twisted Sister video. Bobby is just guessing that we're not going to take it. I want to rock, dude. Yeah. Well, you know, it was, it was, um, I was just going to bury it and keep it in. I didn't even tell my therapist. It was after therapy. It was before therapy. Now the whole thing's a lie. You said it was between. No, you, the, when you sent me that thing was in between the little clip of the, just the girl. You were laughing at the handicap girl. I didn't laugh at it yet. That's why I didn't look at it. I was between me saving a life. Two busy walks. And then I, you had that thing and I didn't look and then I had to go to therapy. So I didn't really get a chance to look at it because of the weight of the situation that I was in. Why didn't you tell your therapist? Um, again, he, we had other things to do. He wasn't wondering why you were looking out the window the entire time and saying very few words. I don't know, doc. I got a lot on my plate. I did. I did go. You look out there, you look at that city and all you see is a fun metropolis. I see problems need solving. And people need saving. I see wrong need writing. I did go in my therapist to look out the window and it was a straight shot to the two ambulances in the cop car. And I just shook my head up and down. Like he's going to be all right. I done good. Anyways, anyways, doc, then you repelled on the side of the building with your grappling hook to the Bob copter. So there you go, buddy. There you go. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Jacob. I'm always very proud of you. Christine. Very proud. Yeah. No, you could tell by her voice. I mean, it was, it was so what the fuck is that? I'm impressed. Why are women never impressed with us? Um, why? It might be the way you're, I don't think she's responding well to you being like go on pay me my respects. I did. I absolutely, there's no respect done. A hero doesn't get respect. Bobby, you've been sitting with your hands folded in front of you waiting for us to pay your respects to you since you started the story. You're sitting like a godfather right now. I, I, I don't agree with that. You'd like us to come pay tribute to you. Not tribute, but maybe. That's your Ali Sadiq. Maybe come over. Hands right now. Oh, you have your Ali Sadiq hands now. Your folded arms. Oh, you got uncomfortable around a black person. These are my, these are my humble arms. These are your humble arms. These are my humble arms. Hey, he's mean, but you want me to save your Chinese friend over there? I'm just saying that Christine, you know, look, I believe you when you say it, Jen. I believe you, Jacob, when you say it. And Blackloo, I believe you too. I think you're a great hero. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate that. That's where you have to save a white person next, even if it's a girl. DJ Liu, I'm searching for the right words to say. Come back to me. Okay, I will. That's an on that's honest because you haven't found him yet. Christine. So you think Jays more sincere than me. God damn it. Yeah, I do. I do. You believe that? Because when I look in Jays little eyes and his eyebrows going up and his little cute eyes are looking at me. Look at that. Look at that. He's good. He's got what? I believe Jays. You believe in me. I do believe in you. Yeah, I believe him. You've had two heroics now. Two heroics, him one. And I have a heroic on that one. But that's the she's doesn't understand. Christina doesn't spring into action. Yeah, she sees a hungry retard. She just lets him starve. That's crazy. Yeah, he does not need sunglasses when he plays poker. No. What? What? What is that supposed to mean? What does that mean? I don't even know how to play poker. Well, even if he is faking it, even if he's doing it enough to where I believe him. What am I faking? That I'm proud of you and your heroics? You're two heroics? You're not. I'm saying that for her cause. I'm saying that I'm asking you. Don't let her stir shit up his face. If you're proud of me and your tone is just ridiculously off. No, I am proud of you. I think it's very nice you would stop and help a stranger. Your tone sucks. It's just off. I mean, I believed it, but then at the end, she did that little head nod where she approved her own self. Yeah, she was like, that was good. I think she was like, that ought to do it. Yeah, that's what she did at the end. She had me until the little nod at the end. I did it. That's fine. I'm sick. Oh, god damn it. I'm sick to my god damn stomach. It really does, man. They don't fucking appreciate. Shit. I mean, even heroism. Heroics. They don't appreciate it. Did you tell Dawn yet what you've done? Not yet. I'm going to save it for later. I'm going to wake her up in the middle of the night. That's a good move. Huh? That's a good move. Yeah, I'm going to wake her up in the middle of the night. But wake her up like a great, like give her like a back of the leg punch. I'm going to actually kick her in the back of the hamstring. Charlie Horser. Yeah. Yeah. With my knee. I'm going to wake up and I'm going to be like, sorry, babe. I can't sleep. Yeah. And then tell her it's like, well, I just, she wins it. While I'm sleeping, there could be other ethnics fucking dying out there. Not where we live. I'd have to go down like 35 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. That's a drive. Maybe if I catch on the way home with the anchors. You and the two gay guys in the neighborhood could take the fucking cock movie down to the fucking city. You could be a power trio. Bear bear, bear bear and Bobbo. Bear bear and Bobbo the heroes. Bear bear. Bear bear. Yeah. It is, I will tell her tonight. I will give her, you know, but she'll probably give me the same attitude as, you know, they expect it. Women expect. She's not going to give you the credit. She's going to do that same old bullshit where she gives the credit to God. Yes. God put you there. And it's like, no fucking the fact that I have a lot of unworked out mental problems for my childhood and have to go to this particular doctor is why I was there. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. You got to deal with a lot of stuff. Yeah. You're dealing with fucking guys with tits. No, that's not, we don't work on that. And that fucking like stresses you out. No, it doesn't stress me. It's your main topic of conversation. It is not the main topic of conversation. And it bums you out that you can't get past that. You're in a fan stage. I don't even have to get past. I'm not in it. You, you're already walking in with that. So she's just going to like. You know what we're dealing with, which is funny? What? Anger. Who? Me. And your therapist. Your therapist. We're dealing with my anger issues. Yeah. What's this? Is this insult? You don't see me do anything about it? What are you going to do? Pussy? Is this the therapy? He goes stupid, ugly, lazy, retarded, no good asshole. He actually gives me a Mason jar that you can't open and then he starts calling me names. And he goes open it fucking puss whack. Like what? Oh, I guess I should get it to a man and not a lady. You'll never be nothing, right? Isn't that what your stepdad told you? Piece of shit. You guys, you had to do it when Dawn comes charging into your therapy session and you're on one of those X crosses and your doctor's kicking you in the balls. And you're like, no babies, we're working on my anger. I'm definitely not in the gay humiliation. That's how I do open something that's really hard to open. I just go, I will be somebody. Nice. I just, I get all my childhood rage. Not me. I take a butter knife and I take the back of it and go. You have no rage. And then it opens. No rage when it comes to opening jars. There's tricks to all of them. Can I, I wanted to bring up something. I had the sense of rage in me. Well, hang on. Go ahead, please. As heroes, we'll allow it. Speak Jacob. I don't want to say it. Bobby. Real quick, if you're Jay. This is our hall of justice. Let's put our invisible shield up. Do you think we should let him talk? I don't know what you really have to say. All right, well, who else to say? We can listen. As two heroes, let's be honest here. If we have to get into tight spaces, we're going to need a little help. We need a little fucking jet league guy to go through the vents. Yeah, that's true. He would be given that. So let's hear his idea. I'm sure he knows how to pick a lock, too. He does that all the time. It's probably just Jew bullshit. Yeah, exactly. It's probably just massage training. Yeah, they always know how to pick locks, don't they? What's your idea? Okay. God, shit, he's asleep. Fuck. Fuck. We talked too long. He took a while. That ain't on me. Jacob, as heroes, we agree to hear your thoughts. Your thoughts? Well, as you know... You have one minute with the Council of Heroes. Yeah, we have a lot of heroine to do. It's something I've never understood. And you know, of course, that I worked on the Wise Guy show, as did DJ Lewitzky. Yes. And I think the thing that triggered me the most about that fucking God-awful show is that, I mean, it was terrible. They were terrible. But even when I was in high school, I don't know what it is about Italian Americans. Everyone should take pride in their culture, their background. I think that's a good thing. But what is it about the Italian Americans that took it to an unbelievable dildo proportion? Oh! You know what I'm saying? Oh! Yeah. What the fuck do you mean? You can't compete with that. You piece of shit. Don't fuck your mother. That's what I'm talking about. Don't fucking fuck with your mother. Bobby, Bobby. That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what I'm talking about. That's not hero talk. Oh, sorry. I'm working in the anger. You're in hero mode. I'm part of it. You gotta drop that dumb guinea for a second. All right, I apologize. But they were by far the biggest fucking jerks in school. This cocksucker! What the fuck is up with him, Jack? This fucking meatball! You mean the host of the show. I'm talking about high school. Italians. You couldn't walk. They had the Italian flag on the entire hood of the car. They had the Italian flag license plate border. Are you talking about Puerto Ricans or Italians? Italian. Oh, okay. You find my friend Ed Gentili on Facebook. We bring him some time. Puerto Ricans and Italians. So close. But they were such fucking shitheads about it. Be proud. But don't annoy the hell out of everyone. And then I thought to myself, this has gotta be a kid thing that you'll grow out. So Jews don't do that? Where diamond crosses stars of David and tattoos of never forget? What group do you know that ever took heritage pride to that level? Rich Voss. He's not a group. He's not a group. We're talking about people you interact with. Well, I think the Jersey Italians are like Hasidic Jews. It's like the same time. Why don't you go to the Woodbridge, the mall up there on a weekend and see if you get around too easy. Just two dots. No. Hey, go by the minivans trying to get you off the road. But I think Ed Gentili. Ed Gentili. It might be Gentile though, like the way it's spelled, but like he was my friend growing up and he was our, this guy you're talking about. And to this day, I promise you, you will see him as we speak right now, whatever age he is wearing bikini bathing suits, European cup bathing suits. He will, he got super into soccer, Italian. You know what I mean? He has Italy on his chest. The boot. He's got a pie with the word pie is on. Can I do it? Can I do it? I just want to see. I want to do one thing. I want to do a test right now. I have a very Italian friend of mine, Paul G. And I would like to call him and put it to the test to see if you're right, Jacob. I'm going to tell him. But before we do that, I want to. I want to just, I just want to say, he's going to be an asshole. I just want to see if you're right about Italians. No. Hey, Paul G. How you doing? Hey, Paul, Paul, now one of the guys on my show, one of the producers says that Italians are fucking, what was it again? I'm over the top. Over the top. Over the top pride. Excessive pride. Excessive pride. Did you tell me he's on the radio? Oh, you guys are on the radio. You're on the radio. Are you okay with that? Oh my God. Yeah. Okay. Well, he said, you guys, Italians are over the top, too much pride. You're all a bunch of fucking goomba, fucking loud assholes. Gindaloon is the word I would use. Gindaloon. He called you Gindaloon. I'm witchy on that, but there's different degrees of Italian. Yeah. Different degrees. What about you? I'm American. You know that I'm Italian descent. I'm American. Well, he said, all Italians suck. What do you feel about that? Well, let me tell you, let's just put it this way. Without saying anything, I own an Italian restaurant and when Italians come to book parties, I hide in the office. So I don't have to talk to them. All right. Thank you, Paul. I appreciate you, buddy. I'll call you later. Bye. I like him. Apparently he fucking Jacobs ought to suck. No, but this is my point. So years later, so it's been years since I'm in high school. I'm on the wise guy's show. I get stuck with the show. I didn't even know what it was. I meet them and I'm this, the older, this is 40 or 50 years later, it's still in them. It never leaves that jerk off pride. Look at the way he answered the phone. Bobo. Oh, exactly. Yeah, but he, he's right. One of the guys, Cha Cha died. And I believe, and I remember thinking to myself that like that jerk off Italian pride you have inside, you take it with you. It goes through. You can go your entire life. You think it's in heaven right now going, Hey, St. Peter. Ha. Like ghost. Like that's there. I'm going to steal these gates that go down. It doesn't fascinate you that you can act like a child like that. I like, I actually like, I've been around Italians. I worked in an Italian restaurant, a lot of mob guys, a lot of Italian guys. To me, I have an affinity for it because I love them. But yes, I agree with you. There's some of them that take it way too far. This is what I hate when the naughty, they don't even know how to speak Italian. But when they order something, they say it in Italian, like give me the pasta ragioli. Like if you, if you, if he, if his answer machine picks up, it goes, is Paul G from Casalettos. It fucking bothers me so much. That's like the people Italian, the Spanish newscasters that drop in the, the, the, the super Spanish way to pronounce their last name. But I think the word we're all looking for is taxing. Yeah. They're taxing. They can be taxing. They find them very fun and interesting characters, but they can be taxing. Yes, I agree with you. Taxing is the word. Yeah. They're a little over the top and a little, they believe in the, they watch too many movies and they believe. Yes. They all think they're fucking connected. Yeah. Yeah. They're all, they're like, they're like black people. I was never a maid guy, but you know. But they watch good fellas. So they're connected. Yeah. They're connected though. Yeah. It's like black people, they're all cousins. Can I tell you? That's a weird thing too, right? Lou, black me up. I remembered. No, it's not. I get it, but it's not. Exactly. You're right. Yeah. I remembered, by the way, one of my favorite wise guy moments. Yeah. I have to sing it because, what the hell happened this week? What the hell happened this week? Now you may be asking yourself right now, what is he talking about? That was a segment on the show called, what the hell happened this week? I was going to get, you should let us guess what the segment was called. Well, I beat you to it. I should have. And what they did was, they covered current events. Hang on a second. That was the current events thing. I'll put my invisible shield up. I don't think he knows that we're doing like a comedy show. Sometimes you say that. Yeah, he gets very nervous. Because he sang, he sang twice. Yeah. What the hell's going on this week? It's what the hell happened. What the hell happened this week? He sang it twice. Can he hear through this? I don't think so. Okay. But he said that and then he goes, and the segment was called, what the hell happened this week? Yeah. Do you should let us guess the title? You're right. Because he just sang it. Yeah, he just sang it. And I was, it would have been funnier if he went for himself. He would have been like, now, this is a segment called, whose dog is this? That would have been funny because it's not what the hell happened this week. It's a theme song. Yeah. It's what's happened this week, but that's not the title of the segment. Hold your hand up. He can hear us. What the fuck? Oh my God, did he see my face the whole time? No, he just deferred a second. Cock-sucker. Okay, I'll bring it down. Hey. Hey, what's up, dude? Well, it was the current events thing. Like when they were doing dumb, with their dumb Italian talk. Of course, yeah. They would, what the current events was that they were. My darling, the dog shit. Okay, one of the ones, I will never forget this, is one, they start that segment ago. So what the hell happened, the jingle would play and then they would go, so what the hell happened this week? And then they would tackle the biggest world events. You know what you went and they would solve it with their Italian philosophy? You know what you do with these fucking terrorists? I'll tell you what you do. You take them in the back of the shed and, butter being, you put two in the back of their brain. Oh, you fucking shitheads. And this was, that's how they solved everything with Italian. Hey, what's that for a second? With Italianness. They figured out a couple, they figured out a couple of things though. Let's do a agree right now. This show here, this show could really benefit from some sausage and peppers on the table. Oh, yeah. Have we had a nice spread? We had a nice spread, we'd be, I know you would be up, we wouldn't have to eat that shit food next door from the, you know, who's? We're over at a fucking deli eating, yeah. Mugo ga gaca. Yeah, Bobby's over there fucking looking for his next victim slash, uh, person he saves. This fucking Obama, oh, oh, this is it. Oh, hey, oh, hey. That sounds like an exercise in speech he's taking. A brown boy bought a bag of marijuana through the mother of high school. He has a pie in his mouth. Yeah. An entire pizza pie in his mouth. I understand, but it's folded so you could talk. Cha-cha had a, what's the word I'm looking for? Whenever he heard, he had a Pavlovian reaction to the word Obama. Oh, really? What was it? What does that mean? I can't really say the word. If you say Obama, oh. The amount of times I hit the dump button because he had this reaction to the word Obama. Okay, I know. Obama means Obama. Let's guess. Let's guess. Let's guess. Yes. Out loud. He went over and pushed a button with his nose and chicken came out. Cause the Pavlov, the dog was, Bobby, can I get you over here again with the school shields? Yeah, what's up, Bobby? Pavlov's experiment. Cause it was the dog. When they did the thing and then they would go over and push the button. I thought it was great. And the food would come out. Obama, cause it was, yeah. So when he says Pavlovian response, you thought that it would be funny. It would be funny if Pavlov, he heard Obama, he would just, like a man cheering him. They'd just get up from whatever he's doing and go push a button. That would make chicken come out. And then after, and like, that was for the black thing. And it was low hanging fruit for sure. I saw a black lou over the shoulder, give a little like, you're done better. But I didn't even have time to think I was moving quick. You're doing good. We work on the fly. We work on the fly. It's all live. We're live. Everything's live. We can't make mistakes. I don't think he gets it. I don't think he gets it. Okay. Hey, what's up? How you doing? Hey bud. Hey bud, what's happening? Hey chief. Okay. He's back. He said he's back. He's back. Why do you listen? Wow. I'm back. Fucking terrorists. Oh. Obama, that fucking Pavlovian. Pavlovian. Ah. Fucking show. Yeah. Anyway. You're really traumatized. He's going to do the same thing in 10 years when we're done doing this. What was first? What was first? What was first? Foxhole or that? That was first. Foxhole got it. I can't, it came afterward. So what was worse? Foxhole or that? No, fuck. Depends. No, that was way worse. If he did Foxhole first, he would have really enjoyed that goodfellows show more. You both did it. Foxhole? No, goodfellows. The wise guy. Why should I did it one time? Yeah, one time. And they kept going. This guy's talking. I was joking around going, what the fuck? What the fuck you guys busting my balls? They go, what are you doing? Joe Pesci? You think that's fun? They got offended that they thought I was doing Joe. They were like, that's a friend of ours. Go fuck yourself. Vincent Pastore's face looks like a drawing of a hamburger. It does. He does like a bejewel. Like it's like, everything's like a layer. It's like a layer of lips and then a layer of nose and forehead. Like everything's laid across it. Yeah. Jay, let me tell you something. Hey, let me tell you something. Hey, you get my cookbook I left it for you on the left side. I'm not going to hand it to you directly because I don't do that. You had a mooyang on up in your daughter's. They had a jingle open for every segment. Hey, let me tell you something. Let me do a quick. Now what's your dog? You got a mooyang on up in there. What you doing? All of them I can barely talk because they're fucking on. Fatnecks are squeezing their fucking voice boxes. It's like, get the fuck out of here. I'm telling you, I'm telling you. I'm down, Joe. Now you got to go on when you're into camping. His wife makes a carbonara. I need more cream in my food. Hey, where's the gnocchi? I want to have gnocchi for a while. I don't want to have gnocchi. Just mind your own business and get any better. I need more cream in his bowl. This drink over here keeps me silent. We got the gnocchi, we got the fun. I don't trust the guys in the court. What are you, for no qi? You see what you're fighting for, you break bread. He's worse than that. He's one of those, you know, those, my cradle spinners. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Christ, oh, are you with the flat bread and the thing? He doesn't believe his sister. I like my bread. It's got to be able to sop up the goop. Yeah, boogoo. We got to take a commercial. Bobby Kelly, you know our shit. Punch up that live, slash Robert Kelly. Yep. BigJComedy.com. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams, have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colours of the rainbow? Because that is exactly what you get with Skittles. Five bold fruit flavours in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and blackcurrant. They're chewy, they're colourful, they're perfect. Just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles.