Back in Weiner. Stephen Colbert. Look at that. Said our last names for the first time. Oh my gosh. Reveal. Reveal. My last name is Weiner. Spelled like winner without one less N. Not Weiner, even though I love a hot dog. Find me on LinkedIn, please. Please. Stephen. Yes. Today's podcast. The last podcast and true we're doing together. Yes, it is. But not the last time we're hanging out. Is rescue staff rescue? Oh, I love rescue staff rescue. First of all, I love rescue dog rescue because I love a refillable. Yeah. Which is what we call something that has a game that the audience knows and that you are slotting jokes into that game. And they're difficult actually because all the jokes have to be good or at least the performance has to be playful because there's very little build in them. Like the story doesn't go anywhere. It's just like joke. Okay. It's just like a bucket. You're just throwing jokes in a bucket. The refillable and rescue dog rescue was, I don't know who came up with it originally, but I love the idea because I just want something for the audience to look at that looks different and enjoyable to them while we're making the jokes and what could be better than puppies. What could be better than puppies? Dana Carvey said in my old days when I first was working for him back in the 90s, he said, hey, just remember a funny with the sound off. I said, what? He goes, funny with the sound off. I want somebody to be who's out at the gym or at home or whatever. I want them to look up and go, oh, pause and turn the sound on. I want them to see it and go, oh, funny with the sound on. Yeah. Funny with the sound off. So they'll turn the sound on. And that's what the puppies are just, they're adorable and they're lovely and they're moving, but they're also just funny looking. Totally. They're funny with the sound off. So anyway. That's really funny because when I started this podcast and we were talking about what should we not include on the podcast that is on the show, the first thing was our podcasting manager said was never put the puppies on the podcast because it's cruel. Right. Because the people can't see. Exactly. All you hear is, oh, and you can't see the cutest thing. Exactly. Also, you probably heard me say this in rehearsals sometimes. In, I think, in a mildly bitchy fashion. I have said primarily visual medium guys because I go like, why am I reading this? Isn't there video of someone saying this? Yeah. Like why am I describing this? Isn't there a photo of this? Yeah. Primarily visual medium guys. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But this is rescue staff rescue, which is a spin on rescue dog rescue where we get dogs adopted because they are real puppies up for adoption. And now you're bringing out a few staff members to highlight real things that they do at their job to try to get them hired at more shows. Real difficult things or some mildly humiliating things. Unicorn jobs. Unicorn moments within their job too. To have to convince, you know, can we say I sat on my own balls or whatever? Can we say something like that? Yes. Or big old titties. There we go. Exactly. Which is what you'll hear at the end of this. Yes. I don't want to take, we can cut that out if it's dealing with feeling anything. No, no, no, please. I think it's bleeped in the real thing. Do we have to bleep it here? We don't have to bleep it here. Big old titties. And you'll see why that's appropriate for me to have said once you hear this piece. Yes. Because it was one of our writers and had to go to the network and say, is it okay to say that on the show? Yes. And we were told no, it was not. Yes. Okay. So one question I want to ask you to close things out here. If you could have any job at the late show, that's not your current job and not a staff writing position, because I know you do that in a heartbeat. Any job at the late show, what would it be? Well, I got two answers. One is editing. Ooh. Because that's also another form of writing. That's the final draft of everything. And I love, I mean, if I, if I, he only said there's only one room I could be in. I would say I'd want to be in the editing room, because that's where it really happens. And the other one is, but a job, I don't know, whatever job John Williams has, he seems happy most of the time. Yeah. He's a happy guy. Yeah. And it changes every so often what he's doing, as far as I could tell. Yeah. Sometimes his music, sometimes his comedians. He's just meeting beautiful starlets at the door when they walk in. Like he's, he's like an ambassador. He's like, he's like hostess. Yeah. He's like the host with the most. He's like, hey, come on in. He seems like a very, he's a very friendly face we put forward to people. I know he's got tons of things here, but I don't know what it is presently. It might be the comedy, right? Is he, is he? He does comedy. He does comedy. He does other Tylen stuff too. I'm not entirely sure. No, I think I'd be John Williams. Wow. Okay, great. Great. Very succinct answer. I think it's a good show to forward me there what they would want to ask you about Late Show Vocab, which is a game we play here sometimes. Sure, sure. Do you want to just look at the list? And if there's one that sparks joy, because I know we got to go here. Employee. Employee is used to be employee of the century. Employee of the century of the week, but employee was made up after Amy Cole, who's my assistant, died quite suddenly. And so we made her the very final employee of the century of the week. And so we needed something else of it. So it became the employee. Bathroom boys. Bathroom boys. Bathroom boys. Is it time for the bathroom boys? Does this need to be taken to the bathroom with the boys? Is that the boys are Tom Purcell and Matt Lappin and who I've both known for just, and a million years. Tom I've known since 1988, not solidly, but 1988 and Matt I've known since 2000. No, 1998. No, I've known Tom since 1988 and Matt, yeah, from 1998. So God, I've known them a long time. And that's when we've written, we've written the rehearsal script. I've rehearsed it and there's something that absolutely can't be cut. Like this is the story. We have to talk about this, but it is just parts on a lawn. We know the elements are there, but we don't have the jokes in it. Or we might have the jokes, but we aren't telling this like a story. Tom always says, tell it to my girlfriend. Meaning, tell it to my girlfriend means she's really intelligent. She really loves a great joke, but she doesn't follow the news as closely as we do. Can't you just tell the story to someone who's not obsessed the way we are? Keep it conversational. So that's when there's a bathroom in the rewrite room. And the bathroom in the rewrite room is almost the rewrite room of the rewrite room. And so we'll go from the stage to the rewrite room, which is quite small room with a lot of people in it. And that's where the tension gets high. The only time I've literally had to apologize to someone or write them a note, generally write them a note of apology is some way I've behaved in the rewrite room because the pressure gets so high and the clock on the wall is spinning like a deli meat slicer. And every minute that you're not on time is a minute that the audience is cooking. And no matter how hard you're working on these jokes or the storytelling, the response, the reward you'll get from the audience is diminishing. It's just like unrefrigerated shrimp. You just see them like just decaying in your mind. And so there's a lot that's got to get done in a short period of time. And so sometimes we go, fuck it, we're never going to get in here. Can the bathroom boys do this? And so that means Tom and Matt get up and we keep two folding chairs. They don't sit on the toilet. We keep two folding chairs in the bathroom. And then we close the door on them. And then not only do we send them in there, but we tell them, like, please don't be too loud. Because we're still rewriting the rest of the show in the other room. And then it usually takes about 20 minutes. And they come back out and I go, where are we? And Tom will go, it's already in there. Go look, whatever. Or we'll go like, I don't know. See what you think. Garlic knots. Garlic knots is a running gag on the show that anytime my character, we don't do it so much anymore. Because I actually remembered to order garlic knots about two months ago. And that was to end that game. And I also like some garlic knots. And whoever I was talking to, I'd say, like, you know, I, you know, With hand as phone. With hand as phone. And then I would hang up hand as phone. They go, oh, garlic knots. Because, and that literally came from when my kids were young and we would order from the local Arturo's pizza. Which became bricks. Arturo's bricks and then became da Vinci's. So it was da Vinci's Arturo's bricks pizza. When we would call the pizza place, my boys, after I got a phone, they'd go, did you get garlic knots? It was Peter and John. I was like, garlic knots. I go, oh, damn. And, and, and, and I would have forgotten. And then it was too late to do the garlic knots. So that's where garlic knots. It's literally a reference to my boys going, garlic knots. That's why I do it. The joy machine, the joy machine came from the old show and we still talk about it here. And of course the band is the great, big joy machine. There was Caitlyn the Great, the joy machine. Because I was in the edit one day with Jason Baker and Allison Silverman, who used to be my executive producer over at the rapport. And it was a very hard day. It was a very, very challenging day, especially when we were first starting off that show. We didn't really know how to get it done. There's a lot, there's a lot involved in doing that old show that we didn't have nailed down. And so it was a very, very long hours. And I guess she just remarked on my chipperness at the end of this really day. And I said, oh, well, I mean, this is the joy machine. Like it's a machine and you can do joy or not do it with joy. And if you don't do it with joy, you probably won't pay attention much to whether the machine is turning and I'll get my tie caught in it. Or my fingers will get caught in the gears or something. But if you approach it with joy, that keeps your eyes open and you can see what you're doing. And also it's helpful to everybody around you. And also I also think it's true. I think we all get a lot of joy about feeding this machine. And if we approach it as a joy machine, then it actually is a machine that also then produces joy for the audience. But it has to have, you know, it's, you know, what is it? Garbage in, garbage out? Joy in, joy out. And so that's where the joy machine came from originally. And we still mean that sincerely. But after 20 years, I mean, it's hard to keep that same level of joy up. But when you remember, it's the important thing to do. Joy in, joy out. It's up to you. And then it also feeds you because then you get to feed on that loop of joy. Box of stakes, box of stakes. I'll sometimes say, I don't know, let's get them a box of stakes or something like that to my assistant. If somebody has a good idea, like let's get them a box of stakes. And sometimes I actually send people a box of stakes. A unit of boxes. A box of stakes, you know, like, you know, Ruth's Chris or whatever, box of stakes or Omaha stakes or something like that. But it all comes from, it comes from my favorite ear. You ever seen the movie, My Favorite Ear? Oh no, but this is on my list because you told me about it. Oh, you should see it. You should see it because it's about your show of shows. And we don't do your show of shows. But that's a variety show and this is a variety show. I mean, we practically have ladies, you know, dressed up as cigarette boxes dancing backstage. With some nights, it's like that, which is the best. I love. And so at one point, the character, his King Kaiser, who's supposed to be playing Sid Caesar, his baseball and Sid Caesar, and King Kaiser is coming into rehearsal and they're going to rehearse the monologue. And he walks in and the head writer is there going like, what did he say about the monologue? What did he say? This stays in. This joke stays in. The monologue stays in. All right, walk. You hear me? I walk like that. And King Kaiser comes in and goes, what's that smell? God, what's that smell? And he grabs a script out of a script girl's hands and goes, it's the script. It's the monologue. And he tears the monologue out of the script. He balls it up and hands it to the assistant and he goes, pull. And the assistant throws it up and he pretends to have a shotgun and goes, boom. Like that. Yeah. Like that. And then the head writer goes, hey, babe, we're not married to it. And that's the whole thing. And he seems a little upset. And King Kaiser says his assistant, I think I was a little tough on him. Say what? And he pulls out a wadding and goes, wad of cash. And he goes, I said I'm with box of steaks. So that's where that comes from. Box of steaks. Great origin story. Please enjoy these jokes a second time. If I had comedy is so much fresher when you know what's coming. That is if I have to re-rack on a joke in the monologue. And I've never explained this before. No one knows I do these because I need these to do the show. Is that if I need to do a joke a second time for some technical reason, like I've messed up or there's a graphics problem or something, I, you know, you can't ask somebody to freshly enjoy something. So I always say to the audience, well, I got to go back like two lines. Do it takes that graphic or that video to roll or for me to say it right. And I'll say, please, please do enjoy. Please do enjoy these jokes a second time. I find that comedy is so much fresher when you know what's coming. And I'm saying it along with you because everyone staff has this line memorized. Exactly. And I'm saying it because it's a great, no, it's a great, it's a great pulling case of emergency kind of line. Right. And we have to pull it a lot. And it makes a lot of sense. It is like you, you directing the audience for a part of the show. Yeah, your part is, please enjoy it. But the thing is, and also it's a joke. And so it gets the joke, it gets the comedy pump going for them. It's like priming the pump, putting a little water in your pump before you get going. But then it's very important to go immediately into the joke so that you're in a comedic energy. You're laughing. That's all. Keep the checks and kill the rest. Okay. Well, there's another version of that, which is Tom's version of that because Tom, my executive producer, Tom Purcell, who again, I've known since 1988, he left Second City and went out to LA to pan for gold and ended up working for like, I don't know, Sherwood Shorts or whatever, like the Brady Bunch and people like stuff like that. He wrote for Cosby, who Cosby also worked with a lot of those old timers, guys who had like literally boxes of jokes they go through. Because Tom likes to say, can the floor be wet? Like whatever. Like they'd have like, I've got a joke here if the floor could be wet in the scene or whatever, like literally trunk, you know, material, which I love. I love all that. That's one of those I love, Billy Crystal, because Billy Crystal loved those old timers. And now he's like a bridge to a lost world of comedy. And so one of these old timey producers said to Tom, it's not a hard job, because it's talking about after you've done the read through. It's not a hard job. Cut everything into a check and you go home because you put a check next to the joke that works. Keep the checks, cut everything into a check and we go home. And so that's what, keep the checks and kill the rest is another version of that. And Tom is on stage during taping, literally marking checks. Literally putting checks in, flaming toboggan. Well, that's how I think of the show. The show is a sometimes a blindfolded flaming toboggan ride and part of the joy is that we got to the bottom of the hill without hitting a tree. And then we can go back and go, oh, that actually went well. But kind of on some nights, it's just a flaming toboggan ride because it's, there's like, you have to ride the chaos a little bit. In a way, you actually have to enjoy that it's a chaos. As Tom says, like there are 10 decisions an hour you make on the show that you can't go back on or else it just adds to the flaming toboggan ride. There should be a banner above Tom's desk. And the banner says, do not back up severe tire damage because that's what he likes to say. Like we can't go back on these decisions, severe tire damage. And that's what flaming toboggan is in keeping with it. You're hurtling down, you're just going, what? I don't know, what? It doesn't matter. It kind of doesn't matter how you feel about it. It's 535. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Go out and do the show. Exactly. It makes you have an idea in the morning. Yes. Because you don't have time for an idea later. Yeah. It makes you have an idea in the morning. It makes you come in with some sense of urgency, attention. And if you've got the ability to do it, express some vision of what you think today's stories are or what we're going to do today, what the show should be like, really what it should feel like is often one of the things we have to decide. And that gets expressed in the stories we pitch. But really, it's feeling is first. And if you can express that early, then you have a better day. Yeah. And Tom likes to say, which I would put on this, which is, one hour of our day is going to suck. Let's not make it the last hour. Yeah. That's a really good one. And because that's the one that gets the cameras pointed at it. Yeah. So let's make some other hour of the day suck. Yeah. And we just accept now that one of the hours is going to suck. And it might be the hour before you ever talk to anybody. It's like, oh, it's up to me. I've got to have read the stories. I've got to be able to go into my morning meeting with Opus and Tom, even if I don't have like, this is what I want to talk about. I have to know what they're talking about. And best of all is if I can say, like, these are the priorities of the stories for me today. But the next hour is to be in with the writers and go, hey, not only do I like your idea, but this is what I like about it. This is what I think it means. This is how I think it's associated. These are the stories that go together. But that's one of them. And then play it on zip, zip it, zip me. So that means play where you're in edit and I want you to play the thing back to me in double time. So zip it or zip squeal. I mean, as you just hit it. And again, I don't spend as much time in the edit room as I would like and as I used to. It was important that I not so the show could get out. But I used to always go to the... So you can get some sleep. Yeah. But I, everybody, you know, needs sleep. But I would go in and I would say, okay, zip it, zip me. Hit the zips, whatever. And I would sit there and I already had the map of the interview in my head or the map of the act in my head. And I don't really need to hear every word. I'm kind of listening for rhythm. And then I'll remember, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you slow down? That's where it happened. Because I'll remember the... I'll feel the rhythm of how I said it and the rhythm of the audience's response. And I go, yeah, that was a problem. How long are we? 30 seconds? Pull that out. I don't think... I don't like the rhythm of it. Whatever. And it's always associated with... It's almost always associated with, we're long for time, something's got to come out. Okay, let's zip it down and I'll remember the things that I think worked the best. And as an outsider who's been in the room watching you screen things, it's like Chipmunk TV. It's so fast. Right, you cannot really understand what's being said. Unless you lived it and you're in the interviewer, you remember the script. Yeah, exactly. If you were involved in creation the thing the whole day and you were there, I'm sure you can make stuff out too because you're there for so much of it. And then you can figure out what it is, but it's just we don't have time to watch it. And it's also a little self-indulged, like no, slow down. This was a magic moment. No, it's all mechanical. Yeah. Okay, the last two is just a screen grab from two friends of yours that I thought was really sweet. Carly Mosley, when we pitch something and it absolutely bombs and STC goes, go ahead, go ahead to move the meeting along. In other words, like, thank you for that pitch, but we need to be going now. Okay, go ahead. Like, oh, I turn to the head writer and I go, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, thanks, go ahead. Yeah. I try to say thanks first. No, no, no, no, she clarifies that it's a nice thing. Oh, she goes, this is fun, not mean, might delete. Well, listen, listen, that's great. And then toasted. This is Megan Gearhart from the Colbert rapport days. Okay, so there was, Matt is the one who yells toasted. It's because at the old Colbert rapport, I used to eat breakfast in front of everybody in the morning pitch meeting. And I would go in there, I usually have, you know, eggs, bacon, whatever the basics, whatever the corner deli. Yeah. And there'd be toast in there and the toast would be wrapped in paper and then that would be wrapped in the aluminum foil that deli aluminum foil, which is somehow worse than aluminum foil. And it would be pretty tightly wrapped. So you could grab a corner and it wouldn't unfurl if you were to throw it at someone, which is what toasted means, is that I would always say, because I had it in my head like, well, if I don't eat the toast, then I didn't have the carbs and this was an okay meal. And it's like that like white buttery, like bonus calorie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bonus. Exactly. And so I would say, anybody want toast? Because I am a generous lord. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody want toast? And if somebody would raise their hand and it would be great if it was a new person in the room, because they did not know that the toast would be delivered at muzzle velocity, is that I would throw the toast overhand. Okay. I would throw the toast overhand by the corner so it would whip at them. And if they didn't catch it right, it would kind of explode as it hit their chest and that would go, toasting. And the first time that happened to someone, like if they hadn't been in the room for the toasting yet, it was usually quite alarming to them. And I hope no one ever thought that it was mean spirited. I just thought, it's just toast. It's not going to hurt anybody. And it would be best if the toast came at them, you know, sidearm at least. Yeah. No, these are the things that make this show special and a wonderful place to work. I think that's the end of Lecho Vokev. Oh, she said, this is Megan Gearhart said, toasted from Colbert Apoor Day when Steven would throw his breakfast toast at a writer in the morning meeting. This is also fun and not mean. I know a lot of the things associated with me sound mean. No, no, no. All fun. That could be a whole byline of the show. Just fun, not mean. Yeah. Okay. Well, Becca, here we are. Here we are. Becca. Shake and hands. Thank you. Thank you, Steven. Thank you. This has meant the world to me. Let's call it seven, okay? Let's call it seven round out. Let's call it seven seasons. Yeah. How about it? Seven seasons. You've been an absolute delight in every room I've been in with you and just there to get it done, you know, somebody who knows their job. And as you know, I have, you know, I have told you about my no geniuses rule. Yeah. Yeah. That's another one. That's another one should be on the list, which is no geniuses please. Yeah. Is that I have firm, firm belief that you should not hire geniuses to work on your television show because genius sometimes means in our business. Some people are geniuses, but often it means that person's good at their job, but they're extremely difficult to work with. But you put up with it because they're good at their job. So you go like, oh, like we complain about this person constantly. And you go, but you know, but they're a genius. So you put up with it. No one is a genius enough to have to do it because the job's too hard. Yeah. For everybody, not for me. It's for everybody that we just be good at your job. And so, you know, you're a pro, Becca, and that's the best compliment I can give anybody here. You're an absolute pro. Thank you. My God, you're the best boss. You lead by example. Everybody, you know, it's a trickle down. That's very kind of you to say. No one's an asshole here because you would be so bored with them if they were. You know what I mean? I can't, I can't. Then we get toasted at a high velocity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. There's one last thing I want to do and it's for my mom. Oh, okay. I've never taken a picture with you. Can we take a photo together really quick? And then while we're taking this pic, this has been the late show pod show, guys. Oh, yes. This has been the late show pod show. Get it. Get it. Okay. I'll put the mic over here too. Okay. Bye, guys. Bye-bye. Folks, you may be familiar with a segment we do here on the show called Rescue Dog Rescue where we help find homes for real rescue dogs. And I'm proud to say that we have a perfect record of every single puppy getting a doctor. And as the show is coming to an end, I thought maybe I could do the same for my staff who will soon be looking for jobs. This is Rescue Staff Rescue. Hey, everybody. Here's how she works. On Rescue Dog Rescue, we make up incredible and flattering lies about little puppies to maximize their chances of being adopted by you. But on Rescue Staff Rescue, I'm going to tell you about actual insane humiliating and wonderful things my staff had to do in service of comedy and the show to help make them even more hireable. Here we go. This, this here. Good to see you. This is my producer, Jonah Meyerson. Jonah had the distinct honor of once being my butt double for a mock-up. Jonah, what do you have to say about this honor? My wife has always said I have the ass of a 61-year-old man. Thank you. Enjoy. This is Scott Sonata, one of our accountants. Good to see you, Scott. Scott is the one who has to go through all our receipts for random props like sex toys for sketches and sex toys for the monologue. Pretty much just sex toys. Scott, how many dollars would you say the show has spent on sex toys? Well, I don't know, but the teleprompter says 69. Nice. Very nice. That's done. This young lady is Rachel Whitaker. Nice to have you here, Rachel. Rachel is an exceptional editor who has added more fart sound effects into serious historical footage than she can possibly count. Rachel, tell the folks where you went to college. I went to Harvard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You went where? Hartford. That's right. That's right. You did. Very toss. This is my great producer. Hi, Carly. This is Carly Hillman back in 2015 for one of our test shows for reasons that must have made sense at the time. Carly had to spend a day supervising an actual live chicken named Vindaloo. Here's a pic of Carly with Vindaloo's eggs. I bet that 11 years later, Vindaloo is living a happy life with Carly and her family. Carly? Well... Say, Carly. Just got to ask, where did you go to college? Also Hartford. Thanks, Carly. This is... This is RJ Suckthem from our cold open department. We're going to see RJ. RJ had to sit shirtless in a hot tub with a raw turkey on camera for a cold open sketch. What happened after that? My doctor says I have something called Super Double Salmonella. And I hear you're now in several textbooks. Good for you. This... This is Brandon Marianacci, my head of research, which means all these years, every day, he's had to put on a snorkel and swim through the sewer of the news. Like last year when Trump first attacked Iran during Pride Month, and Brandon had to field questions about Iran's nuclear program, while also the same day, weighing in on whether we could say the word twink on TV. So Brandon, I got to ask you. Thanks for asking, Steven. I'm holding up okay. No, no, no. I want to ask, can I say twink on TV? Depends on the context, but maybe not for long, because it seems like we're heading into a bear market. I don't... I don't follow that. I know. This young lady is Maya Lani. Maya is our very funny writer's assistant, who among other things has been tasked with helping to clear the idiotic things that we write with the network, which means she has to send actual professional texts that say things like, okay, just say, sit on your own bed, sit on your own bed, sit on your own bed, sit on your own bed, sit on your own bed, sit on your own bed. Okay, just say, sit on your own balls here. Okay, just say, go to hell, you dead pervert. And hi, can we say big old... Maya, is there anything, Maya, that you'd like to say now that the show is ending? Yeah, just that I'm going to miss my colleagues tremendously. This has been among the greatest honors of my life, and also big old... Thank you, Maya. Thank you. This is just some of my staff. They are the best in the biz. They are the pros and over. Ladies and gentlemen, grab them now for a late night show or whatever else. Maya! Stingles! Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to the Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusive.
