#755 - DR. PHIL + GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAL VULCANO

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHenchCliff.com for everything the golden pony, Tony HenchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for DeathSquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Brad Beck, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get it for Tony Hitchcock! Who's going to go the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Kitty! Oh, my goodness gracious. How exciting is this? You guys happy to be here or what? Oh, shit. Sounds amazing. We are brought to you by Shopify. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Before we get to all the chaos, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen. And we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. Right now comes the actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHenchCliff.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what? Okay. Every single week I book this mamma jamma. Doesn't get, I mean, this is just so amazing. Two of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Make some fucking noise for the great Sal Volcano and Greg Fitzsimmons. Oh, my God. Yeah, baby. Great business. Sal Volcano. Oh, my God. Very exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen. Sal Volcano is on tour. SalvolcanoComedy.com. He's doing the Ryman Theater in Nashville. He's got a brand new season of the Impractical Jokers coming out on TBS Thursdays on TBS. And his podcast, Manouche, is available everywhere. Greg Fitzsimmons, one of the greatest guests in the show's history, touring Fitzcog.com. He's in Philly, Lexington, and Houston coming up very soon. How are you guys feeling? You excited to be here? I'm so excited. Hell yeah. I'm fucking excited. Are you guys excited? Hell yeah. It's Gil Coney. Are you guys excited or what? These thick Latinas love the Impractical Jokers. Ladies screaming Sal's name over and over again. Little fucking the tortas love you, Sal. You guys know how the show works. 300 plus comedians are stacked on top of each other in a bar right next door. And if I pull one of their names out of this bucket, our trusty assistant goes, grabs them. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted on stage. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and annoying and cuts them off. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about their real life or their careers or anything, really, that I find interesting about them. I'm so excited about this Sal and Greg I mean we have you guys it literally just does not get any better than this oh my god oh my god there he is The 2024 Guest of the Year. Oh, my God. Whoa. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed the 2024 Guest of the Year. Dr. Phil is here, ladies and gentlemen. I'm out of breath, but I brought some treats. We don't need any more Red Bands out there. Wow. Dr. Phil is throwing out Magnum condoms. That one might be open. I got bored in the Delta Lounge. We'll hold on to these two for later. Dr. Phil live in the flesh. Literally recognized as one of the greatest guests in this show. Whoa, what was that? Monkey Pucks. Oh, my goodness gracious. We didn't even get to hang out yet. How'd you get those? Wow. Sad to be back, Tone. It's been way too long, Dr. Phil. You've been out selling out all around the fucking world. We did it. We did it. We're going to Australia and Canada next year. That's right. Sorry, this year. The Who Is Me Tour. Wow. That's a wild thing that's happened. I'm excited. I'm excited. Well, I guess you don't need one. Wow. It's wild how... You do. No, we're going to keep it right here. Okay. All right. This is very exciting. Dr. Phil is here live in the flesh with Greg Fitzsimmons and Sal Volcana. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. My goodness. I mean, what a start to this show. I mean, that's absolutely crazy. You got a fucking joke water? Yeah. Yeah, we do. You guys shouldn't quit. We absolutely do. We shake them up for the show to add vibes and energy to the show. It's working. It's working and it's squirting. That's what we call that. So what's amazing is that while this is an incredible, perhaps one of the greatest starts of the show ever, why don't we take it one step further and have the first comedian be the record holder for all-time appearances, normally the closer of the show, One of the few living members of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Titan of Tacoma, the Weirdo of Washington. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! My mother was watching the news the other night, and she heard people talk about doxing one another. She goes, honey, what is doxing? I said, oh, it's when two guys get in a ring and punch each other with their dicks. the waiter walks out and goes who ordered the amber jack i raised my hand and he sent it down in front of me i look and i say wait this has whiskers have i literally been catfished can you imagine if you were a flat earther like a depressed flat earther and one day you tell your flat earther friends i really can't take it anymore i'm just gonna walk this way and i'm never going to stop. And they're all like, no, don't do it. No. And then around 80 days later, you show up from the opposite direction and you're in a hot air balloon and you're like, guys, y'all are never going to believe this. Okay. That's my time. Because the earth is round, Tony. That's why you It would show up from the other end. Right. But that would mean that it's not flat. Right. It would mean it's round. It's proving, it's saying to his friends, it's ultimately teaching his friends that the earth is round. Right. It's kind of like a passion play. Oh, my God, Tony, I'm so nervous. Seriously, going up first, I love it. It's literally my favorite thing, but I'm so nervous right now because we're really, I have time up there to hang out and whatever. and oh my gosh, here we are. So I love it. Yeah, I love it. Out of your comfort zone. Proof that you can do it all. You got the show started with a bang. And Tony, I do have to say, I finally have been in a horrible funk. I'm still actually in a pretty bad funk in my brain, but I've started rowing again and I've done 65 fucking miles to pass. Six days, Tony. Very good, William. That's 10 miles and some change per day. Yeah, listening to fucking Melancholy in the infamous sadness by smashing pumpkins all the time. Greg Fitzsimmons. Well, it's just great that you're rowing. I know you guys have a long history of that as well, but it's good to see that you're rowing. We'll be right back. Take it from here, Greg. William, how's the age going? It is not going good. That's part of why I'm in my funk. I messed up. I messed up. When I was in Vancouver last year, I allowed this guy to have sex with my ass, literally with my ass, seriously. Well, it's good to mix things up. I know. It was fun. I was kind of in a funk. I've been in these bad funks, and the puzzles don't help. Nothing really helps. But when I was having sex with that guy, it was crazy. Oh, that was fun, right, man? What was that noise? Yeah. That's a noise he would have been making in the corner, right, man? When you're watching my ass, you fucking weirdo. That's exactly what you would have been. And just in the corner wearing your fucking tank top, you fucking nasty weirdo. Your little blue tank top. Yeah, have you ever seen it, Tony? He wears this little blue fucking tank top with these little swim trunks. And he acts like a little bad boy. And he's showing everybody pictures of his fucking girlfriend's feet. Stop doing that. Seriously, stop doing that. He's doing that in the fucking green room before we even start tonight. That's part of why I'm nervous, Tony. I did walk by and you were showing somebody a picture of a foot. Was that your girlfriend's foot? Yeah. Oh, it's tradition. Anytime Greg's around, Janice shows her foot to him because he likes that. Wow, this is not a great start for Greg. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's certain things that stay in the green room, you know. Yeah, whatever happened to take it into the grave, Red Band. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Now I have to cut them off. Oh, my goodness. I love it. William, so you've been rowing again? Yeah, doing the rowing, trying to hopefully please come. See, I promise if I've been to a city before, I have a whole different set. It's mainly new jokes. I've got to get my tickets out. I've got to get better at marketing. Tony, I've got to figure it out. Yeah, well, this. What did you just call me, a nacho vest? Or what did you say? The nachos, the vest you have, it looks like nachos. You should say everything. You should encourage your woman to say everything that comes to the front of her brain, sir. You're doing a really good job. The Lakers had always a dead giveaway for not having your woman under control. Shut up, bitch! Yeah. Seriously! Seriously! Whoa, whoa. I'm trying to have fun fucking Red Band throwing Greg under the bus! That's not the weird of you, dude. Seriously. It's really weird. Why'd you... William, I get what's happening with you right now. You're getting fired up. You're getting angry. You're getting more red, which I didn't think was possible. Yeah. Everyone out. He's on right now. Where can we get some of it? That is... But look, it looks like little nachos. I know. I see it. Maybe you're right. I see it. I know. You are right. All right, Sal. That's not how this works. You guys all see those little nachos? Okay. We all see the nachos. It is an incredible best, William. And what are you wearing? It is award season, and the world wants to know, where do you get a vest like that? So I literally clicked into eBay.com, my account. I click in Vintage 90s Columbia Vest Large. Nailed it. And then I get a bunch, and then, yes. Nachos was not in the keyword search? No. Wow. Because the red little zags, they look like little nachos. They do. They do. It is absolutely incredible. William, always a master of style. It is a nice vest. You look like you're about to lead a safari for a bunch of kids who are definitely going to get molested. Yeah. True. Which is a tough gig to get, so I want to compliment you on the... Thank you. Thank you so much. It's true. You look like the tour guide at Epstein Island. There it is. There's a guy that walks you off the dock when you pull up on the boat. Watch your show. We'll keep it up. Okay, everybody come in here. and it's just Red Bean jacking off with all the fucking, you weirdo. Wow. Well, William, you got the show. So nice to be here. You got the show started with a fucking bang, my friend. Unbelievable. Lights out. The great and powerful William Montgomery showing us how it's done. Now we go to the bucket, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Oh, Dr. Phil getting his own book delivered to him. That is incredible. You do. You are a marketing genius. Phillips C. McGraw, PhD, you and me. It's as easy as one, two, three. I'll talk about that in my book. That's right. Page 73. Page 73. If you can't rhyme, get the fuck out of my garage. All right. So the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night is Sancho Pancho Villa with an uninterrupted minute. What's going on? Hell yeah. So even though I'm 5'1", I am into taller women. And so that can be hard. So I got these shoes that make me 5'3". Don't believe me, we'll call this mic stand 5'3". And now we're at 5'1". But even with the shoes, like tall women are still hard to hit on. Like I was hitting on this one super tall girl. She was like 5'5". And she looks down at me. She's like, boy, you're so short, you would have to go up on me in the bedroom. I'm like, that's a weird way to ask if I keep a stepladder in my trunk. I'm like, girl, what do you think I'm wearing this shirt for? Like, I'm trying to eat my way to your heart. You know what I'm saying? But on the same note, I hate tall dudes who use the short urinal in the men's restroom. Because, like, now I'm over here having a tippy-toe, fucking putting my chimichanga over the rim. Like, how am I going to explain to a girl that I got crabs from a men's restroom? It doesn't work like that. Hey, I'll start show Pancho Villa. Thank you. That's my time. Wow. Adorable. Absolutely adorable. One of the largest full-grown babies to ever do stand-up comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Giant when it comes to the weight class of babies. poncho poncho via what's up you're standing at 5 1 is that what you said yeah 5 3 with the shoes on 5 3 with the shoes on incredible when's the last time you uh measured yourself like height wise yeah yeah funny funny yeah when i went to get my driver's license okay you got one of those your people normally don't have one of those do you have car insurance sancho poncho via yep they're usaa let's go shut up yeah right hopefully they lower my rate i don't know okay usaid usaa us aid aid aa like the military oh got it you were in the military yes sir i'm a marine okay absolutely incredible what the hell were you doing in the marines exactly what what was your specialty man i was an engineer company so like we work with generators we built stuff we blew it up like i'm have more certifications than my cousin with three fake ids like i could do any sexist job wow yeah amazing sancho poncho you've been on the show a few times before yes sir you get very lucky I'm hoping to tonight God Now why the fuck did you do that? Yeah Because we're pretty much rocking the same haircut Dr. Phil, come on When did you go bald, do you mind me asking? Probably when I was like 19 God damn Wow And how did it work out for you? How did you adjust? With comedy Oh, well, there you go I'm still struggling, obviously So Sancho Pancho Villa, you went bald at 19, standing at 5'1". What do you think you did in this life or a past life for God to treat you like this? Question, Tony. And he apparently also made you extremely horny. A lot of your act has to do with women. You just said you're hoping to get lucky tonight. When's the last time you got laid, Sancho Pancho? A week ago. Wow, a week ago. Who was this? What was this innocent person? Where did you meet this person at? Just in my hometown. Was she married? This one wasn't. This one was not married. That is true. We found out about you that you're into married women. You like wrecking other people's lives. Listen, like the door's already cracked open. I just walked through it. You know what I'm saying? Even if it's the dog door. Like, you know. The dog door's open. You walk right? that was tonight's doritos blooper of the night put it on the cutting room floor so what were you guys gonna say at the same time i was gonna say yeah he walked under the crack you didn't have to go oh yeah i was gonna say he walks right through the dog right he doesn't he doesn't have to duck down or anything like that work together we all have we all have different doggy door jokes for you that's a good sign that's how you know you're a hot dude when when you bring up a doghouse and we're all like you're adorable sancho so you find that there's a lot of girls that are into uh whatever you are women love a confident man yes tony it is confidence you do carry it well when do you cry when like do you let it out is there a moment ever uh you work out sancho poncho I do. I'm down 10 pounds. What have you been doing exactly? Explain to some of these people out here how they can lose weight. I quit alcohol, so that was a big one for now. Yeah. But on St. Patrick's Day, I dress up like a leprechaun. So like I'm one month away and I can drink again. So. Oh, yeah, that's perfect. And then, yeah, quitting alcohol and then just working out every day. So, yeah. Amazing. Back to benching 245. That's cool. You benched 245? Yeah. Wow. Enough about your date from last week. If she's not 180, she ain't a lady. You know what I'm saying? Let's go. I talk about that in my book. Chapter 25. Chapter 25. Fat bitches are people, too. Get a copy at your local Barnes and Noble. what's the biggest girl you've ever hooked up with before i let you go sancho poncho uh i don't probably red band no um probably she's like 233 probably yeah okay that's an interesting guess wait wait sorry not to be not yeah not to be specific that was such a specific weight yeah like you that's something you knew that's a down that 233 is a very specific and And that's how much I weigh. Is it really? That's my real weight. You really think so? Let's get the fucking scale out, everybody. No doubt about it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Come on. There it is. Red band. Oh, it's too good. Oh, it's too good. Come on, red band. All right. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. What? So, I will say I'm fully clothed, and that was naked. He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. Here he is. My real guess, though. Oh, my God. My real guess is I weighed myself like six months. By the way, if a bucket pool gave this many excuses before getting on the scale. I'm just going to say, I weigh about 239. Okay. All right. Don't do it, Red Band. You're wearing your heavy hat. 233, everybody. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, he's been here for every episode of the show. Sal, read it off for me when it comes up. It just says, ouch. It says, ouch. Okay. Do you want me to report that? Yeah. Report it. Uh, 251.4. That's right, folks. He's wearing 17 pounds of clothing. It's getting cold outside. What do you mean? Pancho Pancho, get on that thing. Let's see what it does. All right. I'm going to take my shoes off, though. I'm going to take my shoes off. All right. 193. 193. Now, what do you mean you weighed in today? What does that even mean? Oh, you're right. This thing is pretty heavy. Yeah, okay. I'm 165. 164.6, everybody. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe, everybody. Let's go. What is this? Kills Poncho Poncho? Give it up for me. That's about 10 pounds. You're right. I'll give you 10 pounds. Maybe. Take yourself a joke book, Tony. Thank you. Thank you. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. And Sancho Poncho. Sancho Poncho. What size joke book did you get last time? I think you said, like, a small joke book is the same size as a big joke book. That's right. So you got a small one? Yes, sir. Well, today you're getting a medium one. Let's go. Sancho Poncho Villa, everybody. There he goes. And the show is off and running. You weighed in at 2.33 today? No, 2.39 today. 2.39. Were you naked? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. A lot of drinks coming tonight. You guys having fun out there? We got Dr. Phil, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Sal Volcano, everybody. and a shit ton of water, an absolutely shocking amount of water on the table. Can't have enough beverages. Oppity, oppity, oppity, oppity, oppity, oppity. Hey, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, let's be real for a second. When it comes to performance, good enough isn't exactly good enough. That's why Blue Chew just raised the bar. 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How we doing, mother ship? Hell yeah. A lot of crazy stuff going on in Minneapolis. Why is everybody mad at all these tamaliers? They whine a lot, but that's cool, whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested. That shit's crazy. Just goes to show you, when life gives you lemons, get legal aid. I don't know what he did, but whatever. All right, buckle in, guys. What is the difference between a Jewish person and an undercover cop? you may never know you were talking to a cop thank you uh all right guys i think the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are you can see it everywhere i saw a school that said get your ms in business and i'm like who wants to run a board meeting with multiple sclerosis Can you imagine standing in front of everybody going, this company is built on a solid foundation. All right, Mario Zapata. Is this your first time on the show? It is not. Oh, you bet it is not. Do you look different or something? Yes, I recently started shaving my head because I was looking like Angelica's Barbie doll. Okay. Dr. Phil, see, that's comfortable. You could do that at any point, Dr. Phil. Yeah, well, if I looked like I was about to shoot up an anthropology store, I'd also shave my head. Now, what I mean by that is you came in hot. For a minute there, I thought you were running for office because you just kept being like, there's too many Jews, you know. Yeah. And then you said, what was the last thing you said? I think the reason the word retarded is so offensive is because so many people are. Right. Okay, and how do you feel about that joke? Like when you say it out loud to the silence, does it feel like I'm not. I'm behind it, dude. I know a lot of retarded people. Sal, what do you think about this guy? Well, I like that you had topical stuff, so you're writing new stuff. And I like that you really went for jokes. You really did. I will say, though, I noticed that you told everybody to buckle up before one of the jokes. And then you really, I mean, it really didn't deliver. So I would say you should just be mindful of that. Are you going to tell everyone to buckle up? Because the inference was that you were going to blow their fucking balls off with this next joke. And then it was really just a real par type of joke. It's funny. I never saw anyone tell anyone to buckle up with this next one. And then basically it was a very mellow, mellow joke after that. That was more for me. That was more for you. Is buckle up a catchphrase or did you just feel like coming out and saying something sassy? It does feel sassy. I don't know. Maybe I could use it as a catchphrase. Yeah, buckle up, guy. Hey, buckle up. Yeah, let me just say something real quick. You said that he said to buckle up and that it felt, I'll agree to disagree, Sal, because I feel like the comedy set was a little turbulent. And when you're on a plane, they tell you to buckle up because things aren't going to go according to plan, which is kind of. No, no. Buckle up, folks. Yeah, hell yeah. But you do have confidence, and that's important. I appreciate that. Buckle up, everybody. Jewish people will let you know they're Jewish. Yeah, that's exactly what I was getting to next. You're good at spotting Jews? Is that what they're saying? No, they usually tell me pretty quickly in a conversation. They tell you they're Jewish? Oh, yeah. Where are you talking to these Jews at exactly? Wherever I go. Wherever you go. They're everywhere, right? I mean, like... I don't know. That sounds bad. Okay. Starting to see why this guy shaved his head all the way. Good Lord. This fucking guy. Yeah, keep talking, guys. Why is this? All right. This is what I signed up for. Let's do it. Okay. I mean, people are everywhere, right? You'd run into different people everywhere. Wow. It doesn't get much more racist than that, everybody. But these people are everywhere. I can't go anywhere without seeing these fucking people. Yes. Okay. Mike, give me your favorite type of person. Okay. That's a total. Nice people. Direction-changing question you just did there, Dr. Phil. Let's stick with the Jews here for a second. I'll shift gears. Okay. Let's not shift at all, doctor. Let me ask you this. You're seeing them everywhere, this and that. Is there anything you've noticed a way to spot Jews before they tell you that they're Jewish? No. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up for six years. I've been doing comedy for 12. I used to do musical comedy. Okay. You would sing? Yeah. You would write your own songs? And guitar and stuff like that, yeah. You have any original songs? I do. Okay. What notes are they on? What chord is it? Most of them are in G because it's an open. Okay. You guys want to play an open G? Why don't you sing us something, Mario? Okay. They'll follow you. Here we are, me and my best friend. Out at the bar and we're hammered again. And we're talking about all the girls we bang. We both drink until we can't see Then my friend leans over and he said to me Hey, I love you, man You're my bro And I'm like, yeah, bro I love you too The part that's weird for me Is he's telling me this while he's rubbing on my knee My name is Mario And if you're having a bad time In the show so far Well Buckle up Buckle up I'm dressed like I'm ready to go Work the late shift at Home Depot Buckle up Buckle up Buckle up Buckle up, everyone. And if you're driving drunk through the Taco Bell, make sure to call your dad who's in hell and say, Dad, I'm going to get that same order you used to get. Got the bar at a bar. That's loud. All right. Hell yeah, it doesn't do. Wow. Dr. Phil making Mario Zapata hilarious. You did on Pandora. Freaking that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Mario Zapata. So you did musical comedy. Now you just do stand-up. I do. Pure stand-up. What do you do for work? I edit wedding videos. I make porn. And I run comedy videos. Wait, let's stop right there. When you say you make porn, what exactly do you do? Buckle up. Where was that personal stat before I fucking improvised a shitty song? Just trying to be discreet. Yes. We talked about it last time. I make giant just porn with my wife. Oh, that's right. You have a big wife. A tall wife. Yes, a tall wife. Okay. Big difference. Big difference. Yeah, absolutely. You're not pulling a Sancho Pancho Villa out here. You're going for the tall girls. I like to set the bar high. Very interesting. And that's been good for you. Fantastic. You guys are making good money. Good money? Yeah. Have you ever thought about, you know, because those guys probably like the difference in height, right, between the two people. Have you ever thought about letting Sancho Pancho Villa join in? Because. I would charge him to be in the movie. That makes sense. Probably love it. Oh, yeah. All right. Somebody's going to jerk off. Dr. Phil? Yeah. Yeah, where do we, is it all available online, or is there a specific... Lookingupfilms.something. It's on fucking... What is that, a .org or something like that? No, no, no. Okay, it's on... You sure it's not... We sell it through Square. We sell it through Square, yeah. You don't know the website of you and your wife's porn? I copy and paste everything, dude. It's like... Wow. Yeah, yeah, lookingupfilms.gov. Yeah, look that up. You're doing great things. Mario Zapata, our second extremely confident Latino in a row. You as well Yeah it was good Mario You know what I give you a big joke but there you go did you get one last time no okay there you go boom good catch it a little off a little picky one there he goes mario zapata everybody that's perfect mario that's okie dokie well there all right there he is 12 years of comedy experience. There he goes. Mario's the pot, everyone. All right. Our next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Robert Carroll. Here we go. Robert Carroll. Okay. This looks like a new face. Thanks for Robert Carroll, everybody. Fucking A. Kill Tony. Wonderful. So, I'm on shrooms. I got a lead with that. Sorry. what are the odds this is my second time i sign up there's no way they're kidding me i'm shrooming pretty hard so give me give me a little benefit okay so i guess it's like here for the ice stay in a goddamn hotel very nice hotel but you know how many times can a 60 year old man jerk off in one afternoon 38 the answer is 38 69 would have been funnier but but it's really 38 So the mushrooms thing, anybody do psilocybin? God damn it. Oh, yeah, anybody shrooming tonight? Whoop, whoop. Well, I am. That was a bad idea. It's going to turn out fine, I'm sure. So I talked to all these young people, and I'm like, psilocybin is legal now. And they're like, oh, that's so cute. Are you microdosing? And I'm like, no, I don't know. What the fuck is a microdose? Is seven grams a microdose? So, yes. I guess I'm microdosing. Anyway, I'm Robert Carroll. Thank you all. You got to love a guy who 50 seconds in says it's going to turn out just fine. Amazing. You're certainly dressed like you're on a bunch of mushrooms. This all checks out. Robert, grab that microphone. Let's talk about it, man. How long have you been doing comedy for? I lied. This is my absolute first time in front of a crowd and a microphone. There you go. Okay. Perfect. I'm here, man. We got it. All right, great. And you're 60 years old. I'm 60 years old. What made you want to start comedy now? I went broke. What? I went broke. Okay, ladies, stop. Okay, relax. Did you hear the laugh that got? Not at all. Shut the fuck up. What is going on with the women in this room tonight? It is unbelievable. Midlife. Some weird improv troupe. Kamala Loss, ladies. Shut the fuck up. God, what the fuck is going on? Oh, this fucking one's back now. okay red band very good wow can the ladies start heckling if red band's gonna jump in with his fucking comedy i understood that my god okay robert what made you want to start here today it's a long story but going broke in short and just how did you go broke let's talk about it It's okay. You're on the show. Decades of working as a builder for the commercial construction industry. You got a little quiet there, Robert. You really fizzled out. Years of working. The short version is I just suddenly realized, fuck it, I'm going to be 60. And if I keep scraping, things will be eh. So fuck them. I just literally went nuts. My whole family. They've decided to keep me me, maybe. But like I said, I think it's going to work out. I think he thinks he's in a Bed Bath & Beyond right now. You got a tuck. I couldn't understand. I wanted to follow that story. Boy, it's a rambling bunch. I did lead with them on mushrooms. I really thought mathematically the likelihood of me being on today was not very good. But I do function at a reasonably good level. Mathematically, your odds are the same whether you're on or not on mushrooms. If you take an overload of mushrooms, that's when you wouldn't sign up. I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure that's true. I'm here, man. My second try, and here I am. You got it. And you signed up last week as well. I did. I was here for the ice storm. What would you have talked about last week if you would have gotten pulled not on mushrooms? Were you on mushrooms? I was on mushrooms. Your whole plan was just to come out and go, I'm on mushrooms. I hope this goes okay. It has been working so far. Where? Where has it been working? Have you been doing other open mic? I mean, my bank accounts aren't looking very good, but everything else is pretty sweet. Well, how'd you afford that fucking scarf if you don't have any cash? Did you make that out of pubes and queefs? Everything's negotiable. What the fuck did that mean? I ain't trying to fucking haggle that from you. An impossible interview. That's a you purchase. Tell us the fun fact about your life, man. You're 60 years old, and all you've said so far is I'm on mushroom. Okay, I'm 60 years old. I'm a commercial builder. I'm a grandfather of three wonderful grandkids. We had play day Saturday. I was not on mushrooms for that. Okay. I behave when the kids... How often are you doing mushrooms nowadays? Often as I can. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I have found that... Are you dealing with some type of trauma or something like that? Aren't we all? Yes, yeah. Like what? Can you give us something compelling about your life? You have 60 years to reference here. Well, I lost 80 pounds last year. Oh, well, that's. So February the 10th. Thank you. Thank you. And then somebody said, hey, you're kind of funny. And you're kind of. So I've been. I was here because I was working on the show Meemaw with Roseanne. I don't know if I'm. So anyway, I was here as a background actor. OK. I got stuck. Joe Ellis is someone you know. Joe said, hey, you should do Kill Tony. OK. I came with her. You didn't know if you were supposed to mention that you did background work on the show Meemaw. who would want you to keep that to yourself excellent point i'm you're trying to follow i know but i'm i have one other question yeah do you put on all the jewels after you take the mushrooms but this i actually i was wearing these things before i was doing the mushrooms but i do wear this pretty well all the time okay i mean i do not sleep is that strictly aesthetic or do any of those things have a certain special meaning it's probably ocd once you start wearing them then And you're like, oh, fuck, I don't have that on. I'm sure my left arm's gone. When about in your life did you start doing a lot of mushrooms? Oh, well, I did a lot when I was in college back in the 80s. I'm talking about this new one. Recently, my son just graduated from college, and he's got a degree in engineering. You need a ballpark here. Oh, a year ago. A year ago. Perfect. Let me ask you this. When did you start wearing that type of jewelry exactly? What's around your neck? That type. Probably two years ago. Two years ago. It was a fading. Is that answer the chicken? When did you become turquoise, Mr. T? Cool. Yeah, you've definitely got a Jeff Bridges, Jim Henson, about to get me too to the Wetzel's Pretzels type of vibe. Jeff Bridges and Jeff Bridges. The other guy, yeah. All right, Robert, I've kept you up here way too long. Well, thank you for putting up with me. Goddamn, it snuck in, and you didn't torture me. The crowd was great. I am going to do something. Write a set. Write jokes sometime, and then, You'll be back on, and then we'll know something about you. I love that you're on mushrooms, and now we all feel like we're on mushrooms. Yeah. Contagious. Dr. Phil's throwing him a magnum condom. There you go. He probably thinks it's a gummy worm. There you go. There he goes. Real good. Robert Carroll, everybody. Wow. Put him shit up. Amazing. Grandkids. There he goes. Hell yeah. There he goes. Yeah, show Joe Biden how to get out of here. He's stripping so hard. These old people doing mass amounts of mushrooms out of nowhere. Insane. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere, and take control of your mental health. Talkspace makes it easy to start. Better mental health leads to better health overall. Just like your physical body needs exercise, your mental health needs maintenance and attention. Talkspace helps you build confidence and skills. Our therapists not only listen to you, they provide valuable techniques to manage stress or conflict in your life, helping improve your coping skills and self-awareness. Life is all about how we are in a relationship with one another, and communication is key. Talkspace can help you identify obstacles and create new meaningful connections. Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a $0 copay. Red band. Tony, I love Talkspace. I think they're providing some of the best mental health treatment out there. I can't recommend them enough because therapy has led, for me, some crazy moments of transformation. Yeah, I can tell. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80, that's S-P-A-C-E-8-0 to match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. Hello there, my dear friends. It's me, your favorite human being, a very nice guy that cares about everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Tecovas because anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with Tecovas. Their boots are handcrafted with over 200 meticulous steps for broken-in comfort right out of the box, and their in-store experience is unparalleled with expert staff and complimentary beverages and customizations. Red band! Tony, I love my Tecovas. I personally wear those rugged Chelsea boots, and I highly recommend getting a pair, Tony. You know what? I will. That's an incredible pick. Wintertime is prime boot season, so start the year off right with a new pair of Tecovas Western boots, not to mention their other apparel. They have elevated leather goods like wallets, belts, and more. Everything at Tecova's is crafted with the same attention to detail and timeless style. Shop Tecova's Western Goods online at Tecova's.com or swing by a Tecova's store for the full experience with free drinks, boot shines, and complimentary boot brand. And to make your pair feel personal right now, get 10% off at Tecova's.com slash Kill Tony when you sign up for email and text. That's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S dot com slash Kill Tony. Tecova's.com slash Kill Tony. See site for details. It's Jacobus. Point your toes west. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Tariq Morales. Hell yeah. You guys remember when driving a Tesla made you a Nazi? I miss those days. I like being called a different type of N-word. Which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. that place is full of N-words. I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla Model Third Reich. That's where I drive now. See, this joke is only fun and silly if you can remember that the N-word means Nazi, right? So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking N-words coming down the sidewalk. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out, N-word lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate black people. But not as much as I hate those blonde-haired, blue-eyed N-words. Thank you. Okay, 50 seconds from Tariq Morales. Good job. Anything after Robert Carroll is amazing. Anything after an old man going, I'm on mushrooms. That's just incredible. At least you tried, Tariq. Amazing. First time? Second time. Second time ever doing stand-up. What made you want to sign up? No, no, no. Second time on the show. Oh, it is. All right. How did it go your first time? It went well, yeah. I had a full 60 seconds. It was great. All right. Okay. And how long ago was that? Maybe November. What did we find out about you then? What was the interview based around? Oh, I had a gong. Not that black. You had a gong? I had a gong, yeah. I didn't get to pull it out. Oh. I had it in my passenger seat. Oh. I was in my car the whole time, and I just had to drive home with it in there. Okay, yeah, that wasn't anything we covered in the interview last time. No. That was in your car. It was. Give us a thing. What do you do for work, Tariq? I work from home, so I'm just, like, getting paid to be unemployed. What do you do? Honestly, I don't know. It's, like, the documents, they come in. I hit, like, green or red. Childcare. And then. Yes. He's a Somali daycare worker, everybody. Good job, Red Band. Yeah. Mr. 233 over here. Okay, so you don't know what you do. You're getting paid? I'm getting paid. How much do you get paid? It's $20 an hour. How many hours a day are you working? Eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. And the check's clear. The check's clear, yeah. Okay. What do you do for fun? I like to play the piano. I'm a piano player. You're a piano player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. A bit of a beige Beethoven, a little bit. Okay. Are you the kid from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? That's me. Yeah, there you go. Absolutely. Are you from Austin, Texas? No, I just moved here in July. Okay, where were you at before that? Boise, Idaho. Nice. All right, tell us about being whatever you are in Boise. Yeah, I was the blackest person there, which is super embarrassing. Are you black? Half, yeah. Half black, half Mexican? Puerto Rican. Oh, Puerto Rican, okay. All right. Fair loop. yeah yeah long enough uh i just want to double back on the job you do because you said that i don't know the documents come in you said and i hit red or green yeah there's like a literally a thumbs up or a thumbs down i just you literally do not know what you do literally yeah it's like something with finance i don't but what do you do the fucking the document comes in i did i check these numbers to see if they match up with like client information are you on the cast of severance the work is mysterious and important definitely the work is mysterious and important wow how long have you worked for this company like three months not long why would you hit it green the num because the the numbers match up with the client information it's fucking lumen that's it that's it that's it yeah and you would hit red when the numbers don't match when they don't match you do this for eight hours a day hours a day and watch movies i'm on the phone i'm hanging out with my comic friends that's it was your training for this not really no yeah it's like day one they're like all right here's what you're going to be doing and then they and the name of the company oh what the well you don't i don't think he's he's gonna lose this nothing burger job if he says that yeah treake what's your love life like uh single right now i can't afford to date i make 20 an hour so yeah i'm surprised yeah yeah single right now i haven't been on how long have you been in austin since july and i see you've been on no dates you've met no women uh i went on one date i met her like at a show uh at narbar and uh it didn't go well what happened this is perfect take us through the night tariq yeah she She was just like, she was like a bodybuilder, and I didn't, I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie. And we went on the date. She was wearing like a tank top, and she had like some fucking biceps. I wasn't ready for that. I think I was a little, she was, you know, dick neck. Thick neck, biceps. Did you, is there any chance she had a dick? Didn't make it that far. I think you went on a date with Joe Rogan. There's milk meat involved in the foreplay. Yeah, a lot of venison. That's it, Joe Rocha. She was jacked. Now, and permission to speak freely, did when she took her hoodie off and you saw just gu-goom, gu-goom, right? And you saw, you were like, oh, there's a potential opportunity for me to peck fuck her, right? Did you... Wait, what was that, Dr. Phil? Peck fuck her. What does that mean? So, you know, she's so muscular, her boobs have turned into pecs. So if you still want to achieve a titty foot, I'll send you a link. Yeah. But when she deroged or declawed, did you get excited or did you take a step back and go, this isn't what I ordered? Yeah, I broke out in a small sweat. I said, it's not what I ordered. Yeah. How'd you get out of there? I paid, and I was like, pleasure meeting you. She went in for the kiss. You mean the headlock? Yeah. When she went in for the kiss, exactly what happened? She went in for the kiss, and I had enough time to kind of think about it, so I leaned back a little bit, and then I just looked away. Her eyes were closed, so I just looked and pretended I didn't see it. And then I looked back. I was like, oh, hey, great meeting you. Wow. She was like a red document. Yeah, that was a thumbs down for me, though. It was a thumbs down. Wow. Tariq, absolutely incredible. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? You got a big one. All right. Well, there you go, then. Tariq Morales, everybody. Bones eyes making all kinds of different joke books. Small, medium, large. Some are black. Some are brown. Like Tariq. Okay. So, things are moving along here, but I think we need to shift the momentum. I mean, wow. This has been Sancha Pancho, Mario, Robert Carroll, and Tariq. I'm going to say none of them really knocked it out of the old fucking. Well, I disagree. It's been my favorite so far. That was after banger. I'm going to bring up one of our unbelievable regulars, ladies and gentlemen, to stage the room. He is fucking fantastic. Make some noise for the great and powerful, the dark storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody. I hate Waymos. And I think the only reason that we got these little self-driving-ass cars in Austin is because there's not enough black people to go, uh-uh. I hate these little self-driving-ass cars because they don't leave a human factor in there. because if I'm drunk and I'm going home who's going to wake me up in the Waymo? When you get drunk and you get into an Uber the Uber driver wakes you up and they say hey sir you're at your house you know who wakes you up in a Waymo? the Tempe Police in Phoenix, Arizona. That's where I went to sleep in a waymo. And these niggas weren't nice or kind at all. Take it from one example. One time, because I'm a heavy sleeper, that's why they was mad at me about waking me up in a waymo. They couldn't wake me up for 30 minutes. One lady one time tried to wake me up. She couldn't wake me up. She couldn't wake me up. She took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and then called my mama. Nigga, I was up. Daniel Christian, I was playing. Nigga, I woke up immediately. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I started cleaning because, like, when I was a kid. When I was a kid, if your mama started whooping your siblings, if you cleaning, she's not going to whoop your ass soon. And so I woke up, just started doing push-ups, cleaning, and then she was like, how dare you let it lay down? And the next day I had to go to that same Uber lady place and then cut her grass and then wash her car. That's my time. Thank you all so much. I'm telling you, Clay. Thank you. Clay. Two minutes of material, tons of punchlines throughout, cleansing the room of the debacle of the past four bucket pulls. I'm so sorry. What are you apologizing for? The bucket pools. Oh, yeah, exactly. Great work, Dedrick. That really happened, didn't it? Yes, indeed. It sounds real. I texted the Instagram the night after that. I apologized to the Tepic Police. And I was so scared the whole time because it was like, when you're drunk and they wake you up, you're still lying when you wake up. And you're like, oh, I should have been lying this whole time. And the whole time I was like, I'll be fine. I'll just call Joe Rogan. that's right the phoenix tempe police love joe rogan they do they they told me that when they was walking me to the omni where i was i just did a sold out show i was i felt so bad i didn't know i i'm sorry i'm sorry timid police to the two officers and i don't know y'all name and the instagram asked me that too they said what officers i said nigga i told you i was drunk that's amazing that is incredible i've always i've never really thought about that falling asleep in a waymo there's no real i i heard that they start playing music really loud is what i i don't know slept through that too they don't have good music that's what fucked me up because i had went um i was leaving rochester new york and then i had a 5 a.m flight so i stayed up went to that flew did two hours in tempe arizona and i was expecting to see my grandma but my grandma was diamond right now and she's from and she lives in tempe and so i didn't know until after the show so i got drunk and i started hanging out and i started getting sad i said you know i'm gonna leave and then i got in the waymo and the waymo they have suggestions for music but none of them are good what are they music that you listen to dr phil music vertical horizon sure i know i'm a little shania twain don't play with me baby i'm right oh yeah shania twain mark twain he listens to it all sure yeah well well maybe uh maybe next time i'll uh i'll fuck around that waymo with you and we can uh go get some fish sticks or something or not or you can just look at me and say we'll be right black you know that's right don't do that again that's terrible i love those teeth is there a specific song that would be on a waymo if you needed music to wake up a black person that fell asleep in a waymo as our senior black correspondent what song would you peck uh too short um how does that go what two short song again what do i go on and on can't understand how that's so long that's right i might have had a super power that's 203 30,000 that's as long as we can go without the copyright strike so we get it that nigga you can bring me out of the grave. That is. You play too short, nigga, I'd be bouncing. They should have a hits playlist to wake me up. Don't let the... Knock it on the window. That don't mean nothing to me. I'm from Atlanta. We go to sleep the gunshots, nigga. That's not... Absolutely. You think Pancho Sancha listens to Too Short as well? You live in Atlanta too, don't you? Do I? Yeah. No, I'm in New York. I thought he was in Atlanta for a while for True TV. Uh, no. Hey, Atlanta, this nigga's a liar. That would be a great sketch on Impractical Jokers, just you guys going around the streets of Atlanta telling each other what to say. Say hello, my friend. Do you have an extra wallet to the guy walking towards you right now? No, but I'm about to, motherfucker. up dude i'm playing both roles that's crazy dedrick what is uh one of the more dangerous things you saw in your days in atlanta um besides my best friend getting shot in front of me uh just to a clue Oh, my goodness. Sorry, we don't hit it. All right. We hit it. All right. The police don't come that fast in Atlanta right now. What sucks? Go ahead. I saw with my own eyes. This is crazy. I was at a bar, and one dude walked up to another dude and asked that nigga for a chicken wing. And the dude was like, order your own chicken wings, because he was like, yo, I bet you $25 I can eat your chicken wings faster than you. That doesn't work anywhere. He said, you didn't protect your poor ass over there. And then that dude, I swear to God, this is the first time I've ever seen this in time in my life. He had a sock attached to a string. It was like just a string with a knot on the end of it. And he started swinging around like it was a nunchuck. there was something in the sock yeah it was something that nigga was like but if you defend your wings in atlanta that's that's your honor you know right like asking for a nigga hot wing in atlanta is like asking to fuck somebody's wife right you know i'm saying like that shit is and this nigga pulled out a gadget he been waiting yeah a sock with something in it at the end of a string. You watched Lord of the Rings? You know when Stout Wrong came out with that little chain thing that niggas say. Niggas fucking up the hills. It was the Lord of the Wings. Lord of the Wings. Ladies and gentlemen. That is tonight's Fruit by the Foot. Joke of the Night. Just to summarize the two craziest things you saw in Atlanta. was your best friend getting gunned down in front of you and someone eating someone else's chicken wing. Yeah. And pulling out... So there's a string, and then there's a sock that's enclosed. It's like strings, and he has it woven into a bigger thing. Wow. It looked like a... I don't know what you call it, because I'm not from the medieval times. Right. But that nigga had one of those. He was like, how dare you? Yes. And then did he hit him with it? Oh, boy, did he? Oh, my God. And then the cop showed up. He said, this nigga asked me for a wing. And the cop said, we'll take him to jail. Oh, Dedrick, you're the best, man. Unbelievable. No asking for wings in Atlanta. Don't ask for no other dude wings. That shit fucked up. No, we are. That's my new voice. That's what they do. Oh, my God. That weapon sounds scary. Yeah. It's usually pennies. They put pennies in a stock. Yeah. Who's they, Red Man? Europe people. Who's they? Europe people. Who's they? The old they them. Black people got quarters, too. I actually talk about that in my book, Chapter 35, Black People Have Quarters. Your local Barnes & Noble, black people are people too. Dedrick, you rebuilt the momentum in the room. Thank you so much. He's done it again. Glenn, everybody, with some tales from the street, sauce on the end of strings, and many great things. Your next bucket poll is the one-word name. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Tay-ja, everybody. Hey, I just slept with my first white woman. Hey, I'm glad you proud, nigga, because my girl was pissed. For real, man, it's bad. It's bad. I had never been with a white woman before, but I come fast. I bust quick. Some people say premature. I like to say right on time. But now as soon as I put it in my butt, it's like instantly. I was like, my bad. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. She said, no, Jerome, it's okay. I said, that's not my name. But I like the energy, though. It's real supportive. It's very supportive. This white woman, though, she changed my life, bro. She fucked me up, nigga. She fucked me so good. I drink IPAs now. I'm for real. My homie hit me up. He was like, you trying to go to the club? I was like, nah, nah. You want to go to the brewery? We play cornhole and listen to Shania Twain. Now, before we started having sex, she stopped me. She said, what are your kinks? What are your kinks? I don't have any kinks. So she said she had a praise kink. It's like words, affirmation, good girl, shit like that. That's not me, nigga. I don't think I did it right. I was like, ooh, you the goat. All right, that's my time, man. My next time. Teja. Great sex. Fantastic. Fantastic. You've been on this show before? Once. Yeah. This went better than last time, I bet, right? Hell yeah. Well, welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? I just hit three years today. Today's your three-year anniversary. How about that? Amazing. What do you do for work? I'm an electrician. Okay. Yeah. I get up at 5 a.m. every day and work like 10 hours. Wow. Wow. That's when Red Band goes to bed. New job, right? Huh? New job? No, no. You used to work at Apple or something like that? hell no i think you're thinking about one from state for the other day amazing you ever get hit on when you're doing electrical work at a lady's house no i do like uh industrial shit like uh okay data centers and shit okay it was one time though it was one time i went to a lady's house as a kindergarten teacher and she tried to sleep with Me and my coworker. Yeah, yeah. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull it off, but. Okay. I know, nigga. I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it. You work at a data center. Yeah, I'm with the union, so I just get moving around. They just move me around. Do you know your data? I'm half white, so. Okay. Your dad's white? Yeah, yeah. White dad, black mom. They still together? Hell no. No. No. Why do you think that ended? Do you think, why do you think that happened? Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah. How old were you when they divorced? They were never married. They were never married. Right. No, no. I was like one. But, you know. Are you sure your dad's white? I swear to God. Okay. White as hell. All right. Super white. Okay. Yeah. And what does your dad do? He a realtor. And what does your mom do? Shit. Okay. The documents come in and then. Teja is an interesting name. T-A-I-J-A. Does that mean something? Tai-J. It's like ta and a J. Tai-J. Tai-J. Your mom is black. That's what I call target. Tai-J. Tai-J. Okay. I bet nobody says that correctly, right? Right. Impossible to announce that based off of this spelling. Ty J. All right. Dr. Phil. You mentioned the premature ejaculating. When did that begin and how are you treating it? Because I would venture to assume not many women receiving that information are fired up, right? And I know you may have finished. So you're probably really used to hearing, right? Now, keep it right here. What I mean by that, Taewon, is there something that you do to compensate, right? So if you're going to bust your nut, corn nut style, right? Yeah. And the girl's still laying there like a dead fish being like, well, where's my fucking, you know, come? You know, where's my, however she says it, you know. What do you say to make her feel like it's not a waste of time? Hey, I got to get out of here, brother. Wow. That's what your white father said. Some heads up, you can last longer using BlueTube Gold. Use the promo code Tony at BlueTube.com. Get 10% off. That's BlueTube.com. I love it. That's right. You really are like a union guy. You leave before the job is done. That is tonight's Frito-Lay, joke of the night. Amazing. Ty J, what else do you do? What do you do for fun? I don't really have a lot of time. I just go to work and then I do comedy. Man, my brother's gay. Oh, shit. All right. What's his phone number? He's fucking throwing red meat to the panel. Desperation. What does he do for work? What does he do for work? Yeah, I think he's like a librarian. Some gay shit. Okay. Hell yeah. All right. He'd like one. That means he hangs around libraries a lot. Homeless. Amazing. Tai Chi. Tai Chi. Some interest that he did just bring his boyfriend home for the first time. Oh, let's talk about that. Now, did he brought him home to your black mother or to your white father? To my white father. Ooh, okay. How did white dad take that? Well, I mean, you know, he's... We'll be white dad. How did white dad handle that? You know, he's very supportive of shit. He's supportive. I was mad, though. I didn't like it. Right. What do you think your black mother would say about it? Well, on my mama's side, I got a sister, and she gay. Oh, shit. Yeah, but she is stud. Oh. Yeah, yeah. And then my brother on my dad's side, he like, you know, flamboyant, flamboyant, yeah. Okay. He's a tiger? He a tiger yeah Yeah he a tigerarian Okay was your brother boyfriend uh big fat white guy no no no more like tony bill that right 164 but i was mad because that nigga was ugly bro that that's what made me mad about that's what pissed you off yeah because i don't care if you're gay don't bring no you like ugly nigga home yeah but you got to get held to the same standard yeah he looked like he bite people i'm for real he had a fucked up grill nigga bad maybe your brother likes to last longer in bed and it's easy to do with an ugly person thank you yes this is some of my tricks when i want to last long in bed i hook up with an ugly man okay this show's out of control did you get a big joke book last time no well you're getting one tonight, Ty J. There you go, buddy. Hey! And it keeps on rolling. Good job, Ty. On to the next one as the great Jay-Z once said. On to the next one. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Greg McAllen, everybody. Here comes Greg McAllen. Yo, what's going on? Yo, Tony! Yo, recently I've been trying to date, but it's been very hard with an Android phone because for some reason, iPhone users always discriminate on me based off the color of my text messages. You know what I mean? It's always weird. Like every time I'm in a club and I'm trying to talk to a girl, I feel like Martin Luther King. I'm like, I have a dream that one day green messages and blue messages will white day come together. You know what I mean? It was great. Like, I can imagine I'll have, like, a group of Android supporters behind me leaving the club. They'll be chanting shit like, green or blue, we don't care. Let us see your underwear. Like, shit's crazy. Across the street, you know what I'm saying, you will see, like, the Android supporters. I mean, the iPhone supporters. And they'll be saying shit like, well, if he ain't blue, then he can't come through. Or shit like that. You know what I mean? Yeah. Holy shit. holy shit okay i'm pretty sure that's his this is crazy that's his closing line there greg mccallan guys greg how you doing is this your first time on the show this is my first time on the show welcome welcome how long you been doing stand-up about two and a half years tony two and a half years i love it and ty jay is your brother is that correct all right i know he looked familiar Yeah, he's a long loss, long loss, you know. That's right. Greg McCowan. Okay, two and a half years you've been doing stand-up, all here in Austin? No, originally from Dallas. Okay. Originally from Dallas. What do you do for work? All these people have fake-ass jobs now. Currently unemployed. When's the last time you had a job? Last year, 2025, the last month of 2025. December. yeah that would be it took a little minute took a little minute to collectively get it the last month of 2025 i think 2025 was a december it landed on december correct correct number 25 sometimes it's february you never know when the last month's gonna be uh what was the job that you had until december i worked as a customer service rep uh for like spectrum basically i was calling people about their bills trying to help them out and shit like that calling people about their bill Yeah. Dr. Phil. Yeah, I've recently been in too many spectrum debacles. Oh, Lord. So maybe we could do a little role play here and you could give me some confidence in the establishment. All right. Oh, your phone's ringing, Dr. Phil. Hello? Who the fuck is this? It's 10 a.m. You better be on fire. Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling. This is spectrum calling about your bill. It's been overdue for about three months now. So we're calling because you have missed your payments. And we're trying to give you a little. Did you get to the fucking point, son? We're basically trying to give you a heads up to let you know that we'll be knocking some off your bill if we can get collect right now. Collect a little bit right now. You know what I'm saying? Don't talk to me like that. I don't know what you're saying. First of all, how'd you get this number? I star 69 to your ass. You star 69. We got your number on file. We saw that you have been missing a lot of payments or a lot of households. Apparently, you just haven't been paying your bill. I don't know how you're not paying your bill. Well, it's been a rough. Ever heard of COVID, motherfucker? Well, you know what? I got you. I got you. This is what we'll do. Well, if you go ahead and pay $100 right now, you ain't even got to worry about the bill, dog. Don't even worry about the shit. All right. Let me call my friend Redband real quick and see if he can Venmo me $100. Uh-oh. Redband, pick up the phone. Yes. Hey, what's up? What's up? What's up, 257? Oh, shit. You know, I'm just here eating. What? So, he's the one we got to get the money from. So, me and him are against you over there. Is this a three-way call? What is happening right now? Who patched the fucking guy in? I'm going to call Tony. Oh, hello. It's our fourth caller? Sorry, this is how we do things at the Phil House. I know you guys are spectrum thinking fucking one-on-one this shit, but I got a whole half-court ready to play, motherfucker. You ever played a pickup game at 24-Hour Fitness? Hell yeah. Guys just show up? Yeah. All right, go ahead, Tony. How exactly did you lose that job? Basically paying off a lot of people's shit, like just pushing through and shit like that, just you know helping some people out okay they didn't like that shit they didn't fuck with that shit at all okay so how much money do you have in your uh checking account right now right now yeah well uh just give us the ballpark ballpark about 10 bucks 10 bucks 10 okay solid 10 when is rent to what's your living situation uh currently i live at the homeless shelter that's like right Down the street from here. Oh, okay. At Arch. All right. This guy loves the homeless. That's not as sad as having an Android phone. How long have you lived at the shelter? I've been in Austin for probably like about a month now, so a month. Okay. Yeah. And how are we going to – wait, you moved from Dallas. So you had a living situation in Dallas. You're sacrificing it all for stand-up comedy right now. Stand-up comedy, yeah. Okay. How much material do you think you have altogether if you were to do your longest set? We just saw your Android material tonight. I would probably say between 10 to 15. 10 to 15. 10 to 15. Okay. So what can you do? Like what kind of job can you be good at? Customer service, anything sales related. Anything just dealing with talking to people is what seems to be. That was a fucking test. What was that? You failed the test. Wild straight. Okay. What's that from? Antonio what? Oh, Antonio Brown. That's right. Okay, that's a deep cut. All right. Did that happen on this show? Holy shit. All right. I'm about to have to hire a brand new keyboard player. Do you not have to play the keyboard? I don't know. I can make something work. I don't know. He's being pretty solid back there. I'm kidding. He's not going anywhere. What sort of food do they serve you at the shelter? Shit. Literally. They serve like scrambled eggs, regular shit. You know, sometimes they do a little chicken bolognese, you know, some type. Chicken bolognese. Amazing. I've never even heard of that before. That sounds like it. We're throwing in new stuff. Well, you notice how he said bolognese, not bolognese. It's like the dollar store spaghetti. Yeah. It's chicken and mayonnaise shaped into a ball. Chicken bolognese. Well, it's real good. it's real good it's not bad yeah yeah food is food at some point oh hell yeah well what how do you make friends there are you you're a pretty uh you know uh chummy guy you know yeah no i met some people since i've been out here in austin there yeah dr phil has a great point very rarely do we get to talk to anybody in the flesh about living in the homeless shelter so kind of take us through what might surprise a normal person or like um shit man where the fuck do i start so It's kind of like a cot, cold, cold, cot, three bullshit meals, if you can call it that. Occasional fights, you know, a lot of crackhead energy. You know, you see people in the corner sniffing cocaine and, you know. But you don't do drugs? No, no, no, I don't do drugs. Okay. I watch them do drugs. I'm an observer, Tony. I watch them do drugs, and they do it in such a terrible fashion. But, you know, they do what they do. They do what they do. um okay all right well um greg mcgowan easy women right like uh do you ever get laid at the homeless shelter got laid outside of the homeless shelter yeah in a bush and then like yeah near a tree okay you got to find it any way you can get it all right talk about that in my book that's crazy chapter 47 pussy's a pussy old pussy bush depending what year it is all right so you have family in dallas yeah i have family in dallas and and did they just not did they did they kind of like kick you out and tell you to go do your own thing or was moving to austin to a homeless shelter your own idea uh no actually they didn't kick me out i just kind of just left on my own was just like i'm just gonna do it i'm all in for it how old are you 29 i just turned 29 on the 31st okay yeah 31st of the last month of the yeah of some first month of the year all right happy birthday appreciate it does the shelter do anything they give you like a cupcake or something like that uh no no no no nothing at all nothing damn this is all so interesting uh fuck yeah well we don't have any like sales jobs or anything or anything like that. So this is going to be one of the saddest endings to an interview in the history of the show. She got a job offer. Yeah, she raised her hand. She definitely she's been wasted for two hours. That is not the place to find hope, my friend. You think you can sell nachos? I think I can sell nachos. I can sell the fuck out of nachos. Greg McCowan, I'll tell you what, you have a lot of work to do, so here's a big joke book just to fill it up. Just to have something. Worst comes the word, sell it, double your net worth. Oh, yeah. There he goes. Greg McAllen, everybody. There goes Greg. Yeah, let's do that. Let's go with one of our golden ticket winners who's here to pop in, just visiting, swinging by in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is. It's Jack Shaw. Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad. This guy, he won't stop saying it. I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking. I mean, I'm so Jewish. I have family on both Epstein and Schindler's list, dude. You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism, dude. There are, like, there are, man. Like, I mean, we're both loud. We're prone to nervousness. We're very socially awkward. Shut the fuck up, dude. No, we're very anxious people. We can be obsessive, but I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains. Thank you guys so much. Jack Shaw. You people really do come out and just say that you're Jewish. Yeah. I've always wondered what you were. Just kidding. Greg Fitzsimmons. So the last guy worked for Spectrum, and you were on them. I'm on them. It's come full circle. Just like a choo-choo train, if you will. Jack. That was funnier than you guys gave it credit for. Or a juju train, if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't play that. Don't play that, child. Please. There you go. There's a little something to cleanse the bones. Jack Shaw, how's life been going? Dude, it's been going great. The last time I was on the show, Joe Rogan told me to do some props, so I bought some fucking props tonight. You had some successful props last time you were on. This is the show. Let's fuck it. Who's ready for some Jew props, huh? It's Jew props. Actually, you know that it makes sense. This first one is to make your Jewish friends feel comfortable on Christmas. Wow. Thank you, guys. I love it. Hey. Jew props. We're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. My dad really doesn't want me to do this one, but this is a Hacinic gas mess. Oh, God damn it. Oh, you got it. God damn it. We'll picture it. Oh, fuck. Yeah, just put it on. Fucking put AI on it. Fuck. Fuck. Just do it. Do it. Do it like it works. And then put the thing over your head second. This is a Hasidic gas mask. A Hasidic gas mask, everybody. There you go. He said it, not me, by the way. This one, this is an ancient dick pic. That's my dick, dude. This one sucks. If anyone has a pig at home and that pig gets hurt, how about some oinkment? Oinkment? Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. Jew props. We're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. He's doing the Jew props. Jew props. Uh-oh. This is a drawing by D. Madness. I thought that was pretty good. I think that's pretty good. It looks great. That's amazing. Great stuff. This is health insurance for a health care CEO. Ah, bulletproof vest. All right. Bagel and mox top. Wrap it up. This is Lego Epstein Island, everybody. I thought that was going to go so much better. What the? Jesus Christ. All right. Well, we have an expansion pack with Donald Trump and Bill Clinton. All right. Trump was never on the island, but keep going. Clinton was. Stephen Hawking. 55 times. What's that one? Stephen Hawking. Yes, he was there. God damn it. That's right. Well, you know, we tried it. That's right. Jack Shaw lives in L.A., so they will never let it go that Trump was never on Epstein Island. Just a fun fact. But he was never there. Okay, well, that didn't go great. It's like cow volcano. It's a little like carrot stomp. dude that's what i wanted to ask carrot i was hoping carrot top would be here so i could ask him for some mentorship so carrot top i'll be carrot bottom right here whoa you were ready for that yeah that's amazing hey you want to do you want this wow that's a lot of that's a lot of red pews here i'll trade you can't have it all right i'll trade you oh okay thank you there you go you I can't use it. You can use that. You can't believe in yourself, Jay. If I scrunch it down enough, it's fine. You could just put your whole body into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it over my head. That's if it's one full Poncho Sancho. Take your time. Sound it out. Poncho Sancho Villa. Jack, it turns out we love good and bad props here. I loved it. Make some noise one more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. What a hoot. There he goes, the lovely Jack Shaw. Back to the bucket we go. The name came from the inside. Make some noise for B.H.C. Tommy. B.H.C. Tommy. Last Christmas, a Corpus Christi coroner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. and they said it was the best text ever, magical even, abracadaver, if you will. Now that's what I call Netflix and chilled. There's a burial plot twist. The offender's actually a woman. Thank the Lord for rigor mortis. She testified that her favorite movies are Die Hard and Rise of the Living Dead. In related news, a local drive-by shooting had 12 casualties. That means she was down there gangbanging gangbangers. It was crypts and blood everywhere with no regard for human life because there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges, literally, because she had jumper cables hooked up to their nipples. Here's the real shocker. She only got caught because she got pregnant. The dumbass was out there raw-dogging zombies when she should have been using the Twilight birth control method. That's when you bang only vampires. And it works because a vampire can't come inside anywhere without permission first. Okay. DHC Tommy. There was a lot there. I mean, that may have been so many. You had so many attempts. You had so many jokes. And only that one at the end. I don't know what the 12 people that laughed at that one saw in the vampire thing. Maybe I'm missing it. Sal Volcano. I think as Wayne Gretzky said, you miss all 100 attempts that you take. No, I appreciate that. That was the most dense minute I've ever seen on this show. What you did was you really hitched your wagon to one thing. And so once it was – you know what it is? When you came out, the setup was you got into it so quickly, I almost kind of was a little bit, like, confused. Well, it's part of a bigger set that's not quite a minute, so I just try to. Is that your thing? Do you just have jokes about, like, fucking dead corpses and stuff? Well, I mean, the only thing stiff about my love life is the competition. There's another one. Oh, I'll. BHC Tommy, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been chasing this selectively since last February. Okay. Chasing the selectively. Great way to say I'm not really doing it. Yeah. Bro, you are going to make it. That's what you got to do when you really want something. You chase it selectively. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean by chasing selectively? Take us through your work out there. So I've been a fan of the show for a couple years. Started chasing the bucket last February. And chasing the bucket. Chasing the bucket. Sounds like a Judy Blume book that never made the cut. Chase in the book. Are you there, God? Yeah. So I've done some mics and some practicing to get ready for this because it would be insane to come up here with a zero mic. I agree. I agree. And especially if you did that while on mushrooms at the age of 60, that would be insane. And it happened here tonight. Okay. So BHC, Tommy, how old are you? I'm old, Tony. 43. 43. What do you do for work? I work with marine construction. Marine construction. You mean? We build beaches. You build beaches. Yes. It's a thing. It's dredging. So we have a boat that basically has a drag head that sucks up all the material. And then we pump it to the beach, and the beach constructs the beach. Wow. And then Red Band washes up on it, and that's how you find a Red Band. Okay. BHC Tommy. So how long have you been doing that for? About seven years. Anything crazy ever happen when you're out there dredging? Yes, but I'm not really allowed to talk about it too much just because it's government contracting and whatnot. But, I mean, it's kind of like you're a background player on that show. Let me give you an answer to this again. We find explosives and, like, Civil War head missiles and stuff. And this is mostly off the coast of Texas. We do do work in Boston. You do do? Okay. in Freeport, but I've been working mostly in New Jersey. Oh, I can't even imagine what you find in New Jersey. Absolutely incredible. How long has your hair, how long has that been, how long? It looked like your barber was chasing your head selectively. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is good. Dr. Fell, oh shit, there he is, Mr. McGraw. Now, that's a joke because I can't pull it off, So I'm obviously deflecting and admiring, but also judging. When I go to the barber, I say make it look like G.I.G.R. on this side and Barbie on this side. Well, you're killing it. But for real, how long have you had it like that? Probably like 18 months, two years. So it's a new acquisition. What made you want to go with that? I mean, I've always had the mohawk on the side, but I have a nephew who plays hockey. And he's got the flow and the mullet, so we kind of grew it out together. That's cute. Okay. why bhc tommy what does the bhc mean um so bhc has just like been my handle for all my social media ever since like alon's the messenger it's just a nickname i've had banging hot corpses sometimes oh fist bump hey i want to play i want to play big hairy cock wow sal your turn so so it really stands for big hater company because just i hate on shit all the time like I just talk shit. Wow. What do you hate on? I mean, I'm just a troll in general. Like, I just... Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm just fucking broad. I'd be hating Coochie, I think is what she said. All right. BHC comedy. Here's a little joke book from the great Bones Eye. Keep trying. Keep selectively chasing your dreams, baby. There he goes. BHC Tommy. Some people just try. Some people just hope for the best. You've got to try. If you don't at first succeed, you know, well, maybe do something else. Is that in the book? Chapter four. You son of a bitch. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. So, I don't do one-night stands anymore. I do two-night stands. Otherwise, it makes the bedroom look uneven. Yeah, last time I hooked up with the girls on 6th Street, and she takes me home. I'm super drunk. She's super hot, you know. We start macking as soon as we walk through the door. and, you know, I go down on her. I don't know why. I was just in the moment. I go down on her. I'm horny, that's why. But, yeah, she stops me. I'm like, oh, shit, is she on her period? No. I'm like, is she trans? No. She told me she had a DUI, or that's what I thought I heard, you know. And I'm like, why did you tell me this now? You drove us here, and then you're going to tell me that? That is fucking crazy. But she tells me, no, no, no, a VYI. I'm like, VYI? What the fuck's a VYI? She has vaginal yeast infection. I was like, yeah, I'll take the Mac. You can keep the cheese. Thank you, my name is Lorenzo Tyree. All right, Lorenzo Tyree. Lorenzo, have you been on this show before? Yeah, third time. Third time. What? Third time. third time yes sir welcome uh how uh how's it going man uh man pretty good i didn't expect it tonight i was uh drinking a pitcher of that good stuff the tequila pineapples you had a pitcher of tequila pineapples yes yes uh you think that you think that was a good idea Yeah, I was like, you know, chill night. I love hanging out with the other comedians. It would be fun. Okay. Are you the second Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I am not. All right. Let's make it small talk. Thanks, Dr. Phil. Thanks. It is incredible. I do want to say a lot of sexual content tonight, which is fair. It's a relatable topic. It's something we're all going through and trying to figure out. But you said a second stand. So you are out there trying to grease the wheels quite often, yeah? Well, it's a simple yes or no question. You're inactive. Preseason. Preseason for what, WNBA? The fuck are you talking about? Reading, reading, reading. My way of saying you look like a giant lesbian, Lorenzo. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Somehow you look like every character from Sesame Street at once. It is so crazy. Absolutely incredible. Ladies, any stud likers out here? This guy's built like a fucking palm tree. Look at this guy. Oh, my God. Tequila pineapples. Do you ever make jokes, though, about your appearance? Because that is one way to get the crowd on your side, right? It's to be self-deprecating right out of the gate. Yeah, I got a couple. Got a couple. Yeah. I missed last season because I was in a Russian prison. shit that's that's alaska that's right yeah alaska is basically a russian prison all right lorenzo what do you do for uh living uh mainly work a smoke shop job right now i also work fireworks in alaska you what i uh work with like i do fireworks you work with fireworks yeah what exactly do you do with fireworks um cargo containers come in with full of fireworks i where are they coming from china yeah i think so you don't know where they're coming from well who else makes fireworks tony i'm asking you you're the one that works in the fucking business lorenzo jesus christ the attitude on these children nowadays fucking people it's unbelievable lorenzo anything happen interesting in your life since the last time you were on the show um me and my girlfriend separated oh my goodness yeah how long were you with her for um met her in may of last year dated her in august to january okay you just named a bunch of months and it didn't get a single answer out of you perfect what what what made this separation happen they were just they weren't any more fireworks the fireworks went out i'll be here for the rest of the evening what made you separate i just think we're too different you know not the yin and yang type either what do you mean too different isn't she a woman as well you know i like working out she really didn't um long term that's you know i need that you know future um going out i didn't she's like what going out i didn't like going out your home body uh kind of i go out for mics and stuff like that but you know i like to be up too often i get i get really drunk sometimes it sounds like you do that a lot if you drank a pitcher of tequila pineapple before the opportunity of a lifetime i'm pretty sure you might have a drinking problem sorry grandma um what that's his closer that's how he signs up is that sir hey uh that's my time sorry grandma yeah i'm actually not mad about it it's a little bit better than buckle up they're in the same department store though lorenzo we're gonna keep it moving along there goes lorenzo tyree everybody there he goes You got nothing but little joke books, right? I'm guessing. A little and medium. Okay, a little medium next time. Keeping it moving along. Make some noise for Sion Lazar out of the bucket. Go, you drunk-ass motherfucker. Jesus Christ. Sion Lazar. You thought it was one of those A&B stores, you know? One of those automatic curtains. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just missed something crazy. I don't know if you guys heard, but Dr. Phil just said he thought it was one of those gas station doors. He stood there waiting. Let's reset. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut, I do believe. One more time for Sion Lazar, everybody. Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land, but I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here, you should see how they walk. There's this one guy, he walked into me about ten times. It's kind of like those remote cars when they bump into something. He goes, boom, boom. They don't even look up from their phone. They just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is that they got a lot of metrosexuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosexual is? If you don't know what a metrosexual is, calm down, Americans, calm down. Stand on your head and calm down, like the police say. Put your hands in the air, stand on your head and calm down. No. Calm down, sir. You need to go. No. What they do is in the metro, if you're walking around and you don't know what a metrosexual is, just watch who's bouncing off of the poles. All right. That's Ion Lazar. Ion, where are you from? I'm originally actually from Texas, but I live most of my life in the Mediterranean. In the Mediterranean Sea? In the Mediterranean area, yeah, Greece. How old were you when you moved to the Mediterranean Sea? 19. 19. And how old are you now? I'm 34. 34. So, oh, my God. Fuck you. Fuck you. In 15 years. Okay, guys. Jesus. I see why you moved to the Mediterranean. Cowboys. Fucking drunk Latinos everywhere. So, in 15 years, you're saying that that accent's, like, real? Well, you work on it, you know. It's not perfect, but you polish it and you sleep on it, and it is what it is. I don't know what to say. No, I think you're reversed. I think he's saying that the accent you have now, what you're saying. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Bear with me. Yeah. You think that he's saying that you're trying to achieve a better American accent, and you're working on that. Oh. He's saying that you lived here for 19 straight years first and definitely didn't speak the way you're speaking now. Yeah. And then you picked up a heavy accent from the Mediterranean over the last 15 years, which is peculiar. Yeah. This is like me coming back from the two-week vacation I took last year to Rome and me coming back like, how's everybody doing? Oh, I don't even know what you talk about. It's good to be a home to America. He's like, how you say cucumber? If you understand me, I don't... You hear of these, metrosexuala? I've been in the Mediterranean for about 15 years. I was born in Texas. Can't you hear the Texas in my accent? Holy shit. I am from Texas, and we like a thing to be. And I'm an English teacher, by the way. It's the worst thing. I was born where the barbecue applies like wings. You never ask another man for his wing. Spook it to be awful. Fuck the dog, and beware the owner. And then it bump into something. the fuck was that the only accent they know is italian strange sorry grandma well i mean to ourselves if you got a rhythm they continue gentlemen i'm enjoying myself too so the accent you're you're you you would label that more is greek no probably more israeli actually okay i speak hebrew i speak a little greek and turkish too Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't take him long to bring it up, did he? Call that, dude. Yeah, baby. He's back. Bips dog. If you ask, you're going to find out. That is tonight's Honey No Cheerios joke of the night. Wow. So, Slyon, I got to give you credit. Out of all the interviews out of the bucket I've had tonight, you do seem like the most interesting. You're answering questions. It seems as though you have some life experience. What have you been doing over there? What made you leave Texas and go to the Mediterranean? Oh, well, I teach English. I focus on the adjectives more than the nouns, if that makes any sense. This is incredible But not the pronouns Over in America things are very strange pronoun Go on Tell us about that Tell us about that. You have global knowledge. It's good what you're saying so that Americans can hear it. Go ahead. Well, so you see, you have the he, and then you have the she. But sometimes, in certain circumstances, the she, or usually the he, will decide that he would like to try the other side. So, he looks up a doctor. And the doctor says, turn around. And then he examines the size. That's the first thing. And if it's too large, then he needs special equipment. But sometimes it's minimal. It's nominal. And in that case, he just says, continue with what you're doing, put on a little lipstick, and you're good to go. Anyway, to the bride and groom. Yes. That's amazing. Worst wedding speech of all time. Can you imagine your best friend's getting married and he's up here going, Hey, let's go to meet Zelda in the parking lot for some rubbing toads. What the fuck was that? I'm sorry. I drank a pitcher of a tequila pineapple. That is true. It is not the direction I thought things were going to go, but I found it hypnotizing. So you teach English in all those different places, and you kind of just go wherever you want. Well, yes, that's the way it is. It's kind of addictive, actually. Once you start traveling, you just can't stop. You just keep running away forever, and you convince people that this is the way Americans speak. So wherever I'm teaching, they're going to talk like me. And wherever you're teaching, you're going to talk like them. You have to assimilate. You have to assimilate. Hell yeah. I don't want to be a reason. I have to say this is the one contestant tonight. Panelists, cast, what do we call them? Bucket pool. Bucket pool that looks like he gets pussy. That is true. Or dick. Do you do well? I've seen one or two. You present like everything you're saying is so much more important than it really is. You might not think it's funny. I'm going to go home and laugh at my ass. You got me hooked. I'm like, what happens to the he and the she? It comes from Genesis, chapter 6. And they knew that they were naked. And they hid themselves in the garden. God agrees. We are getting word that God agrees with you. Christians, Christians, where are the fucking Christians? Plyon. Go ahead, Dr. Pell. Do you do drugs? Excuse me? Do you do drugs? Like, are you a casual weed smoker? No, no. I live in China. They kill you for that. You live in China now, too? It's the death penalty. Yeah, I live in China now. Oh, I live in China so long. I talk like this now. I teach English. What's up? Can you imagine? Have you ever heard a white guy with a Chinese accent? This guy was born in fucking Texas. It could happen. And I wanted to. What did you say? If there's any Chinese people, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, we have a very small Chinese. How dare you say there's Chinese people in Texas. I talked about that. Not here. Is it the clan meeting? What the? All right. Sion, relax. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. A Wu-Tang clan meeting, perhaps. Okay. All right. All right. What does Sion mean? Sion. It's like Zion. In English. So, oh, you are Jewish? Adonai Echad, Yama'af. Okay, that's enough. There you go. Get down! Adonai Echad! He said buckle up in Hebrew. Tomato, tomato, Ray Romano. You know what I'm saying? If I killed your gods, don't mess with me. What the fuck? Don't talk about that in this book. All right, all right. if we killed god seriously do you want to mess with the guy who killed god i'm just saying yeah is that what you use on a first date yeah how you've seen two pusses if they come at me with you killed god i'm like so why you want to fuck with the motherfucker who killed god you know what i'm saying it's pretty badass if you ask me all right all right all right i'm sorry like you don't you put it on me you put it on me if i could a god killer i'm gonna put that on my fucking sweatshirt. Yeah. Here you go. Here's a medium-sized joke book, Sion. Oh, thank you. Sion. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. Thank you. Thank you for the conversation. Those doors will open up automatically if you just stand... A lot of handshakes. All right. There it goes. There they go. Thank you. One more time for Sion, everybody. All right. Okay. We have one last bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Layla Ingalls, everybody. We know Layla. She's been on this show before. Hi, guys. Hey, Mothership. It's good to be here. I've always had a nervous energy about me my whole life, but stand-up has helped me a lot. It's been a huge confidence boost. Sometimes after I get off stage now, people come up to me, and they'll be like, Layla, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B-cups. okay sick sick sick a little bit about me i can't watch kevin bacon movies with my dad he's muslim i uh i have been single now for like 13 or 14 months uh i don't remember exactly i'll have to recount the slits on my wrist it's been 14 i uh i was with a guy for six years um and then after six years he told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come and i was like well we can dye your hair okay thank you thank you thank you leila ingall welcome back leila how's it going it's going good it's going good are you gonna were you gonna say something else there uh no it's going good i just wish i had time to finish my joke i'm sorry did you you want to do it oh uh just do it really It's kind of long. How long is it? It'll be no more than 40 seconds. Okay. There you go. All right. Sure. Let's do it. What have we got to lose at this point, Layla? Go right ahead. He told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, well, we can dye your hair. And then I felt like the meow interrupted it. But, you know, I'll be quiet now. okay uh it's just something in the air tonight all right layla that's one way to do it layla okay welcome welcome back it's been a while since you've been on the show it's been about a year right uh i think it's been two years now there you go how's life been going if i remember correctly you lived in ohio yes yes i i still kind of live there but i'm uh i'm more like a vagabond? Is that what it's called? It's called vagasil. Vagabond. Vagasil with an S. What do you think that means? I think it's vagasil. I think I meant to say vagabond. Yeah. But I made it sound like vagina and bondage. But it just means I don't have a home. Okay. What's your living situation then? I just, I go where the shows are. So I just travel as many places I can, doing as many shows as I can. And then when I am in Ohio, I'm staying at my mom's house. Shout out. So where do you stay when you're, say, here? You have, like, friends? I'm at an Airbnb. All right. That's better than 90% of tonight's bucket pool. So that's fantastic. Where do you get the money to do things like that? Do you have a job? I have, yeah. Yeah. It's a yes. You know how OnlyFans does those specials now? Yep. Dr. Phil. I mean, I've heard of it. Dr. Phil. Most days are going to fall. Mustache holding on by a thread over here. so layla you're on only fans yes okay what do you do on only fans um oh god what types of things do you do one of the panelists i'm not going to say who but they want to know if there's perhaps some pics of your feet on there no i'm actually i'm not going to name any names No, I'm really insecure about my feet. Those aren't depicted. Oh, wow. Makes it hotter. Red band. Red band. That is disgusting. He said it makes it hotter. Because she's embarrassed about her feet. Greg, does it make it hotter? The more layers, the better. I like fucking Eskimos. Wow. Okay. So, Layla, what exactly are you doing on OnlyFans? It started out very wholesome. It always does. I would post, like, stand-up clips. You know, like, I would just run jokes by OnlyFans. And then if it was getting, like, laughing faces and people liked it, I got the confidence to put it on Instagram. But I would just post stand-up clips, and then they'd be like, get your tits out. If you're not doing anal, we won't listen. Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that. But I didn't. It doesn't mean I didn't mean it. But I take it back because you're very funny live in the flesh. For real. Thanks. It's a weird thing to do to workshop your jokes on a porn site. No, I know. I've always thought it's so weird that OnlyFans wanted to rebrand because, you know, they want to do like a sports channel. Right. They want to get out of the porn business. And they have a cooking channel. You know, whenever you want to learn how to marinate a steak, you get a porn hub. Right. so I think it's yeah if you want to make some bolognese you go to a homeless shelter chicken bolognese yeah delicious do you have a QR code or anything like a so is it just your stand up on OnlyFans it really started that way uh huh I was getting so discouraged every comedy post I would make they just really wanted me to take my clothes off and you're surprised by this I was surprised I was like oh it's a comedy OnlyFans And I thought... So what is it now? Answer the question, like, what is it now? What has it become? Like, what are you doing right now on there? Speak. Just tell us. What are you doing on there right now? If we went on there right now and paid, what would we see? Oh, my God. What has it evolved to? So now I have taken my clothes off. I haven't spread anything, though. The flower hasn't blossomed. Okay. I'm so uncomfortable. Why? It's your life. You're the one on it. You're actually about to make vast sums of money now that you're talking about your OnlyFans on this show. I know. I am extremely blessed. It's the reason I can afford to, like, go places and get Airbnbs and not have to sleep on couches every night. So I am very blessed, but I'm just not, like, a real, like, sexy energy. Are you shaved? A red band. Red band. You can't ask female comedians questions like that. We're giving these people the opportunity of a lifetime, and this show is built to give people a chance to live their dreams. Are you shaved? No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. It's a thing we do. Anyway. They have requested that I keep a bush. Wow, look at that. Who's they? The cast of fucking Space Jam? I feel like it's going to be you and Sal after this. No, I'm happily married, but I appreciate the thought. I do like your sweater. Let me ask you this. Do they ask you something so weird that you're like, I can't even do that? or is it all pretty hunky-dory? Yeah, I mean, I have gotten requested to, like, if I could, like, jerk off a dildo with my feet and stuff. And I'm like, it doesn't even have skin to move. How am I going to? Again, when I wrote that, I thought that I was being playful and jovial. Like the eyes. Jovial. Jovial is the word I'm looking for, yeah. But, you know, take 100% of the shots, you don't. What is it, Gretzky? you missed 100 of the shots you're great we're moving on sale yes so you were like on only fans and you were like oh you know i i have to check it's either 13 or 14 i have to check my wrists and they were like jerk off a dildo with your feet yeah yeah no it's for real when i was contracted with only fans part of the contract was you had to go live twice a month and so then it would just be me talking about like how comedy's going in my life and then one day i was kind of sad and i was like guys i'm kind of sad today and then they're like so do you do customs and it's just it's a lot they don't give a fuck it's a it's a joke to try to do anything other than sex stuff on only fans they're not gonna have me back after this i think i think you're gonna be just fine i think you've upped the ante you haven't spread your readings and then you said yet is there is there a date we're all looking forward to is there a big payoff uh i i i don't want to say like i don't want to say i'll never do anything because i've already done way more than i ever thought i would like what we know what you haven't done you haven't spread it yeah but what have you done what could someone let's say one of the millions of people watching this. What have you done? It's a fair question. Let me remind you, you could have gotten a fucking job like everybody else did, but you wanted to take the easiest possible route, which is posting clips of your stand-up on OnlyFans. You signed a deal, and things got a little wild after you started reading what people were writing you. Yeah. So what's the most extreme thing you've done? Oh, my God. It's really not bad. I was just wearing a nice dress, you know. It's a fully nice dress, much like the ladies here. And I was... Don't pay any attention to the fucking weeble in the corner. Yeah. Go ahead. I rolled a blunt on my bed, kind of bending over. And then once the blunt was rolled, I put a big jacket on, and I went outside to smoke it because it was cold outside. and then I went back in my room and then I took the jacket off and then I took everything off even the blood paper off the weed or and then I kind of just like rolled around on my bed like oh does this look sexy and then this was a stand up or this was the how much did people throw with you for that because that's I mean good on you by the way yeah people want to pay and you know you got to give it you know it's you're I support taking advantage of perverts you know yeah so good well yeah I mean it's literally the reason why I'm able to like get better at stand-up and stuff right I can wake up and write and then hit mics every night do shows as much as I can and like don't have to worry about money so I'm using it to chase my passion and you just have to go live twice a month is that the that was when i was on the contract i'm not on the contract anymore so i can post as little or as much as i want how often is that right now i probably i post like twice a month okay all right it ranges from like 35 like 30 to 35 for a post you're nodding are you on there i'm um so do you have like an only fans name or is it your name it's me it's My name, yeah. Wow. No alias. Right. Yeah. For those of you watching the show, that's L-E-Y-L-A-I-N-G-A-L-L-S. We're trying to get you some money. I appreciate it. Yeah. It is a mind fuck to me because for about a year now, I've been in the top .51% of all content creators on OnlyFans. Wow. And it freaks me out because it's like me and then the top porn stars and they like are doing anal and stuff. That's overrated. You'll get there. We support small business here, too. Red Band. Getting awfully chatty on this, Bucket Pool. You going to invite her to the secret show, or are you going to pretend like you're shy about it? I already know from her OnlyFans bot that she's out of town Thursday. So next time. Is that true? I am out of town on Thursday. Oh, my God. Well, hey, I've got an idea. Oh, Dr. Phil. Well, a good friend of mine, Adam Ray Jew, is going to be here headlining the mothership this weekend. You want to do a guest spot on one of the shows? Oh, my God, I would love to. There you go. Wow. Look at that. There you go. Layla Engel. Wait, she just said she's not in town. Not in town. The plot doesn't lie. Well, what day? March 31st, 2039. No, this February 6th or 7th. That's this weekend? Is it Friday, Saturday? Yeah. Okay, well, I was going to, I'm just in Houston on Thursday. I'm co-headlining the riot, but I will come back and be here. Yeah, one of those just, there you go. Message, yeah, we'll figure it out. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Dr. Phil's going to get a little Instagram DM tonight. I hope it goes to the actual Dr. Phil. Okay. I said, we got teeth like, what the hell? What is this girl? Robin, I swear I don't know the woman in the sweater. You know how I'm allergic to wool. Layla fun times. There she goes. Layla Ingalls, everybody. What an episode. We started with William Montgomery. We had the great Dedrick Flynn. Ari Maddy is in Estonia being the celebrity biggest celebrity in the history of his country so you must be asking yourself how do you close an episode that starts with William Montgomery has three of the funniest comedians in the world on the panel and I think there's only one option this young buck came on the show won a golden ticket and then took over just complete, full control, became one of the most intimidating forces in the history of the show, so much so that I let him do whatever he wants. It's been a while since he's been on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the one and only Timmy Nobreak. All right. Big pop in the beginning. Listen, a lot of people have been saying, Timmy, no jokes this, Timmy, no jokes that. I know. I can write jokes. So I wrote a few jokes for you guys. I have a lot of nervous energy. But stand-up has given me a lot of confidence. because sometimes after I get off stage people come up to me and say great set and that makes me feel good because they're just B-cups oh take notes you fucking dumbass it's pretty fucking easy he's another one Sam Jay, ladies and gentlemen. She's a black lesbo, which means she doesn't eat pussy. She all hell knows on it. Relinquishment time. Wow. What the fuck? Wow. What's up, gay guys? How we doing, everybody? We good? Timmy, motherfucking no break. Absolutely incredible. Oh, thank you. That, I recognize some of that material. Well, yeah, Tony, it was a cover. I mean, what are you talking about? In music, we do covers. I do a lot of music now. I'm not just a comedian, so it's totally normal to do covers. The number one comedy album on iTunes. I am the, well, yeah. Number one comedy album on iTunes, but if you have an iPod shuffle, you're probably bumping that shit all the time. I bet you love my shit. Yep. Make some noise for my fucking album, you retard. There he is. No mercy, no breaks. Thank you. The only person that we should actually buckle up for. I totally agree. I totally agree with that. Thank you. Unbelievable. Oh, look at this guy. Is this Dr. Phil? Yeah. What's up, player? Hey. Tina, good to see you. Good to see you, too. What kind of doctor are you? That's a personal question, but if you follow me on Facebook, I'll give you a couple of responses that might direct you towards what I have. You know, I haven't been practicing for quite some time, Tina. But originally it was psychotherapy and then just social work stuff. Okay. Just kind of a lot of parenting. Oh, so you're not a gynecologist? You're fucking gay. You're gay. that fucking gay little fun fact that chick got way bigger pop what the fuck is going on I call him gay I have seen a couple I've seen a couple vaginas your wife's right you show your wife's right your wife and uh you know every 4th of July we try to spice things up she brings a friend over usually somebody I follow on OnlyFans anyways what else is going on Tom I was just gonna say a little fun fact for uh you kill Tony die hard fans out there this is the first time in which timmy no breaks and dr phil or any form of dr phil have ever been on the same show at the same time this is quite the eclipse very good yeah it's like the traveling wilburys or something like that two all-time greats all of a sudden wait a second what what is that what are you talking i mean it grills i'm doing i'm doing good tom You have a grill now, too? Yeah, I'm making money. I'm doing good. I got a fucking entourage now. It's pretty good. You want to meet him? Yeah. Yeah, guys, come on out. You have an entourage? I got a fucking entourage. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Yeah, give it up for my fucking entourage, everybody. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh. Give it up for my fucking entourage. This is, uh, Le Dainty. He's, um, my weed roller. This is, uh, Le Sweekwold. He, uh, yells at waiters for me. This is my, uh, driver. Um, I don't know who the fuck that guy is, but, uh... That means Johnny Drama. Everyone's black, except for that one... No, he's black. That is... This is a black man. What are you fucking talking about? That Asian guy? Yeah. What does he do? teach English in Atlanta? Is that a callback? I don't know what that was. Yeah. Well, anyways, we wanted to do a quick rap, if that's okay. Okay. I want you guys to hold off on doing any of the music, but I'm just going to start with a little bit of a cappella. So here we go. Okay. A cappella. Timmy No Breaks, who is obviously black now. Oh. He brought his own microphone. Is that... Is that... That's a fuck up tone. Holy shit. I sound like Morgan J. And tone is really, really. Nigga. Whoa, what the fuck? What the fuck was that? Get the fuck out. You're fine. Get the fuck out of here, guys. Tom, sorry. That's crazy. You never can say the M word, Tom. But. Jesus Christ, that was intense. I thought that was hilarious. Well, now I don't have an entourage. I need a fucking entourage. Who wants to be a part of my entourage? This guy, that black guy right there. All right, I'm coming over there. Sorry, Tony, I've got to head over there. Give me a sec. Hey, John Dees, play the keys. There's no black guy over there. Hit me with a spotlight Take all those keys, John This guy's not fucking black This guy's not black I can't see if everybody looks fucking black, alright? Look, do you still want to be in my entourage? Yes, I do Okay, let's see if you can think on your feet Do you think we should defund the police? No, we shouldn't. Let's get the camera to come in here and focus on his face. And for the crowd work, Cliff, I want you to say yes. Please, man, can you stand right here? Now, do you think we should step on the police? No, I'm kidding. Can you sing a Miss Miranda ride? I'd have to read it off a card because I didn't go to college. Holy shit. You can be in my entourage. Shoot this guy in the fucking place. Where should we go? Who wants to be in my entourage? Let me ask you. Let me ask you. Do you think I should have shot those people? Fuck no You can't be in my entourage You can't be in my entourage Not in my entourage By the way, if you don't want me to interact with you Lay down on the ground, face down Okay, this guy's a big shot Let me ask you a question Do you know how to read? No, I don't Fucking retard Who knows how to read? This guy, this guy knows how to read Can you read this? Tibby, stand on the other side of him so he's framed properly. Oh, yeah. Come here. Push in. Get on his face. Thanks for the suggestion, Tom. Now shut the fuck up. Here we go. Read it. I have no gun. No, seriously. I have a gun. It's in my right pocket. I was able to sneak it in because I 3D printed it. Allah is a one true God. I found that person in my entourage. This guy's in my entourage. We have an entourage. Talk your home. Now, the only way that we could possibly wrap up a show is with a song. And the only person that can sing a song with Timmy no breaks. Is Redmond just fucking kidding? It's Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil, hit it. I want to be in your entourage. What do I have to do? I'll take you there to the airport. I'll even wipe your butt after you poop. Well, you're not a guy who's a collegeist But if it's between you and this old newspaper boy I choose you, I choose you You choose me, I choose you Timmy, Timmy, Tony, James And let me take a chance I'm in your love to have joy I'm in your love to have joy I'll let you do it You'll have to do it Timmy, Timmy, Timmy Timmy, motherfucking no breaks, ladies and gentlemen What can I say? He gets to do whatever he wants He's earned it. By the way, that guy said he has a gun. Are we just going to skip over that? Okay, shave your head, your back, your push, and your break. One more time for Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen. And how about his entourage, Dr. Phil, everybody, who is proudly endorsing the Who Is He? Adam Ray Theater Tour. Get tickets at adamraycomedy.com. He's going to Australia, Canada, and all around America. One more time for Dr. Bill. And one more time for the great, great Vince Simmons, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to Philly, Lexington, Houston, all around Fit Dog Radio. That's F-I-T-Z Dog. Or FitDog.com for tickets. And one more time for the great Sal Volcano, everybody. He's going to Nashville, Tennessee. Do us a rhyming. SubvolcanoComedy.com is podcast Minouche. And new episodes of the Impractical Jokers every Thursday on TBS. We're going to the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California. A large state-of-the-art arena to make our return back to where Hiltoni started in L.A. How exciting is that? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band. Check out Cap Red 7 on iTunes and Spotify. We love you guys. Fun times tonight. You guys have a good time? Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. She's wide awake and her whiskey hole Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.