EP 62: WorstBoyz With Michael Presley in Memory of Seth Allen

Disclaimer. At Two Addicts in the Moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. And we are back to another episode of Two Addicts in the Moron. Missed you buddy? Missed you too, brother. You just had your guts rearranged. Yeah, I had hernia surgery on Monday. Yeah, bro. And I thought that it was going to be just like a one day surgery and I'm fucking back at work. Yeah, no. Dude, it's terrible. No, dude, you were walking around like a fucking 98 year old man. Yeah, just got out of prison after 40 years. Yeah, yeah, dude. 40 years of it was banging. Yeah. It was terrible. Yeah, dude, you look pretty rough, man. And I know you still are. So yeah, we're going to we're going to wing through it. You're going to wing wing in a prayer. It so look, dude, we are we have a special guest in the house. We'll get to that in just a second because there's a tie in here. Yep. But I want we're going to dedicate this episode to somebody. Yeah, we're going to dedicate this episode to Seth Allen. I knew him very well. I met him in rehab. He was my celly and rehab. I shared a room with him, almost said bed. Sure. Well, we probably shared a bed too. Yeah. But a super good guy. We lost him this past week. And I know Michael Presley knows him very well as well. So we're going to dedicate this to him at the end. We're going to put some pictures on of Seth's and this episode is dedicated to Seth Allen and we love you buddy. And we're going to be here for your family if they need anything. And we'll keep in our thoughts and our prayers thoughts and prayers. Seth Allen. So they're like you said, there's a direct tie into our guests. Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Presley, everybody. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, what's up? You're the selfish son of a bitch. And you guys are rocking the worst boy shirts. You know, there's a there's a tie in there to Seth. He was a worst boy. You guys are worst boys flying the flag high. Yeah. And so thank you for coming, brother. For sure. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here. Yeah, dude. Yeah, we are too. So let's get into your story a little bit. What was your DOC? Um, a plethora of substances at different times. Um, cocaine and heroin for the most part towards the end, more cocaine because it's tighter. Yeah. Better drug. Yeah. Well, see, we have there's camps of people that come in here. Obviously, you know, there's the meth and then there's alcohol and then there's a coke and like cocaine is the one that a lot of people say they're like, it's just fucking like it's just gross. And that's true. Yeah. And the best way possible. My experience is cocaine is the highest you can get. Yeah. Like IV cocaine use. Yeah. That's about as not as good as it gets, but it can get a little intense, I guess for some. Yeah, man. I like I've said, I've I think I think I've done cocaine like twice in my life. Right. And I think I just got lucky with that thing that just. I just leave it alone or unlucky depending on. Yeah, I mean, the audience that I'm speaking to, I guess, but it was just like I just was like, I mean, okay, cool, whatever. No, I'll just not do this ever again. You know, yeah, not my experience. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's it's sorry. My voice is a little crazy. Allergies are nuts. But it was weird. I mean, it definitely wasn't, you know, I did cocaine when I was young and was pretty unimpressed, honestly. And just as life went on, I started getting into IV use with heroin and things like that. And I don't know. It was I got sober for a while when I was 20. So like for I had like one really bad run. I tried heroin. My first thought was I need to figure out how to not do this tomorrow. Right. And then of course, tomorrow came and I was doing more and and I went crazy for probably. About a year, I would say like pretty much exclusively on heroin and. You know, like my family didn't know like I was already. A psycho before I ever found drugs like a lot of us are. Yeah. So my family kind of, I think knew something was up, but they didn't know what it was. And then when they found out it was heroin, my dad died of a drug overdose when I was 12. Oh, dude. And so obviously that kind of, you know, made things pretty crazy for them. And there wasn't. We didn't have a ton of experience with treatment and things like that. And I was on probation and then got caught with them and something kind of had to happen. And then I basically sat in treatment on and off for like three years. Okay. And so when, when did your use like start? When like what age would you say like? So, I mean, I started smoking weed and drinking when I was like 12, probably around the time my dad died. I don't. Looking back, think the two things were correlated, but it was just. My dad died right around the same time. My friend started kind of getting into stuff and I'm sure on some level, like I was in some pain in that probably help doing it. But what's funny is I was like pretty anti, pretty anti drug above the level of, you know, just like partying with your friends for a long time. And didn't stick though. Yeah. Turns out didn't stick. Yeah. So how long were you in the fight for? So, I mean, for like, how long was it out of control? Not like, so just let's go 12 because that's kind of like your first. Yeah. So when I was 12, I really mainly smoked weed. I mean, I'm from Colorado. Yeah. And so that was always pretty accepted. Like the first time I smoked weed was like with a couple of my friends and one of their dads. Yeah. You know, it was just, it was a super normal thing there. Um, and I really just kind of stayed there for most of school. I mean, my everything was just like super unstable. Like my dad died literally like months later, my older brother went to college. Um, so it was just like me, my mom and my sister. And so, I mean, my sister knew like she at least knew I was like an idiot, you know, but like, I think she knew probably I was smoking weed drinking stuff like that. And so she was kind of always on my ass to keep, you know, like keep the grades up. Yeah. She your older sister. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm the youngest of three. Okay. Uh, it's a big burden, dude. Like, I mean, looking just, you know, you telling me and having an outsider's perspective, you can say that your dad passed in a way, dude, that's a formidable age, maybe the most formidable age. Yeah. You know, right before those teenage years, it's that those are important. Those are important times, man. For sure. I mean, I think, I mean, I was obviously like when my dad died, I was very sad, but what's crazy. And I still like, I wholeheartedly believe this is like the same part of my like addict mind is I remember like we, you know, like we were at the house. He overdosed at the house. I was like me and my grandpa were there figuring everything out. My mom is the day before his birthday. So my mom was out buying him birthday presents literally like when this happened. But he, uh, so before I was born, he fell 45 feet off of a cliff and like shattered his legs, like he had just metal like screws and he's like, it's my whole life. I literally saw him run one time. Um, and so he just had severe chronic pain. Like severe chronic pain. Um, I don't, as far as I know, like he didn't have issues prior to that stuff happening. But again, like that all, all that stuff happened before I was born. Um, but they kept everything under wraps from us like pretty well. Like towards the end, I started to definitely know something was different, different about him. Um, but I mean, he just really like, I think he kept it together pretty well, but like more importantly, I think my mom like did a really, really good job of holding things down. Um, and just kind of figuring out how she can best support him and then also kind of create a situation where we got to stay kids. You know, I think that was, um, I don't know if that's how she would phrase it, but that's definitely like my perception. Um, but then obviously it all blew up. He passed away. I remember being at the hospital and they like took us into this room where there was like Jesus shit all over the place, like crosses everywhere and stuff. And like, even as a 12 year old, I was like, this doesn't feel like probably he's going to get better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, um, and my grandpa was just like, and it was his dad and he's, you know, like major general in the air force. Like this is like a tough dude. And I could tell like he was shaking. I mean, he was doing like CPR and trying to necessitate his son, his kid. And then also trying to like, so you and your grandfather found your dad. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So basically he passed away. Um, he passed away in there. My mom and dad's like bathroom. And so I walked in and it wasn't, to be honest, like, I don't remember a ton of it, like this actual aspect, but I like my grandpa was like, where's your dad? And I was like, I don't know. And so like I went upstairs and I went into, uh, their room and I was like saying his name and really what I remember is just seeing like his feet kind of coming out of, you know, cause like they had a bathroom and then like the toilet was separate from that. And I could see like his feet coming out. And then I remember kind of going further into the bathroom and having this overwhelming feeling of like he's going to be fucking pissed if he knows I'm in here because he was like, I mean, he was a good dude, but he was a hard ass. You know? Um, and the next thing I really remember is my grandpa being like, he's fine. I've already called an ambulance, but he's not in good shape. Like just go wait and let him in. Um, and really like the next thing I remember is just being on the way to the hospital. But I remember like we were at the hospital. It was emotional. We got home and like one of my really good friends, moms, I think was already there and she was just like hysterical and like I had already kind of cried. Yeah. As much as I could cry at the time and I went downstairs and I remember having this thought of like, I can do anything I fucking want now. Like I can do because he was like for sure the like the only person on the planet I was like, yeah, not gonna like I'm not trying him. Yeah. You know, like he like, and it was like a respect thing, but also just like, you know, if you, you know, everyone's like on some level a little scared. You're dead. Yeah. You should be. Yeah. You should. You should be a little bit. Yeah. And he wasn't like he was never abusive or anything, but like he was, he was an intense, yeah, an intense dude. I just remember being like, my mom cannot fucking control me. Like there's no way like I'm doing anything I want. Um, I think a big part of that is just being like a hurt little boy. Yeah. You know, needs a way out. But yeah, I mean, drug use started right around the same time to be honest. I don't remember if it was before after. Um, I want to say it was before, but like very just very little like not wrapped up after. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, just because yeah, I mean, I was and it's crazy because my mom is literally the one person in the world who like never gave up on me. Yeah. Like no matter what. And I was fucking horrible to her always like always. I was always so tough on her and I'm sure it was just she had, she saw probably more potential in me than other people did. Um, and I mean, she's just my mom, you know, she wanted me to not be in pain, be happy and just mother's love is insane, dude. It's an insane thing. I know it's crazy, but we, yeah, we just had a horrible relationship for a long time and some of it was she just got bad advice when he died. I mean, again, this is, I don't blame her at all. It's like, what do you do when all of a sudden it's like your husband dies of a drug overdose and you have these three kids and you have to figure out like what they all need. And so she wasn't, I think she saw like a therapist or something and basically was like, I don't think you should tell them how he died. Right. Like again, I didn't know at the time. I knew something was up, but I didn't know exactly what it was. Um, and I think my brother and sister were old enough potentially to at least suspect that was what happened. Um, but we didn't know. And then I found out a couple years later, like we got a coroner's letter and it, you know, was like Robert Wayne Presley died of a, you know, had a lethal amount of fentanyl in his blood and died of an accidental overdose and whoa. Yeah. Yeah. He died of a fentanyl overdose way before it was fashionable. He's a trendsetter. Sure. Wow. Yeah. Dude. So when did it go off the rails? Like when, when did you start recognizing that I've got a fucking issue here? I mean, dude, honestly, even just like smoking weed, I used to like be like, I should probably like not do this as much. And I literally couldn't stop. Yeah. Like I could not stop doing it again. I wasn't, I didn't really have like sufficient consequences other than just like probation and stuff, but like I didn't even get drug. Like I've had legal issues for almost my entire life. Worst boy, baby. Yeah. Yeah. But I just like lucked out. Like I didn't really get drug tested when I was on probation. When I was like under 18. Yeah. And then when I was over 18, I kind of started to, but I went and got like my medicinal marijuana license and they like just didn't know what to do with it. Yeah. They were just like, we don't really know if we can tell you to do it or not do it. Um, and then yeah, I basically just I hurt my foot on oddly enough, my first job ever is I used to load shingles onto roofs for roofers, which is a horrible job. But I twisted my ankle and one of my buddies came over and, you know, I had just gotten hydrocodone and I was in pain and he was like, dude, just this will be fine. Yep. And then I tried it and my first thought was like, how do you not do this every day? Yeah. And then so naturally my response was to do it every day. Yeah. It's crazy too. Cause I've known you since I went to solstice. So I've known you my entire sobriety. So I didn't know you any during your addiction. Yeah. And I would have never thought in a million years that you was a IV user that you did hair, like I would have never thought cause I know the person that you are and the person that the dad that you are. And it's, it's blowing my mind. I, I didn't know any of your story before you came on. Yeah. Like we've talked and all that, but I didn't, I've never asked, but I would have never thought that you was an IV user. It just blows my mind when, when you see people like, um, people always judge addicts, right? And then when that person gets sober, it's a totally different person. And like it's really night and day. Yeah. And I would have never thought like if someone said, yeah, what's, what's Presley, what was his DOC? I would have been like, I don't know, maybe alcohol. I don't know. I would have never thought it was shooting heroin and cocaine. Yeah. No, I've drank alcohol probably like three times since I've been legally old enough to drink alcohol. It was never my thing. I mean, yeah, it was bad. I mean, if you saw pictures of me, you'd be like, I just, I mean, when I got, when I went to Solstice the first time, I had to go to detox at Sinecore. Mm hmm. And when I got to Sinecore, I weighed 107 pounds. Damn. Yeah. It's crazy, dude. When if I do drugs, like there's no, you don't need a drug test. It's like, if I go do like heroin or coke right now, like I'm losing 30 pounds tonight. Yeah. Like I don't know what it is. I stop eating. Yeah. You know, there's no hiding it. But yeah, I mean, it's just, it's I think so I got sober. I started going to treatment like not long after I started using. I think I used like hard drugs for maybe nine months to a year. And then it just all kind of blew up like probation got involved. My family found out and I never like, I never went through any kind of period where I was like, I want to keep doing this. Like I want to keep doing this. Like I think I just had a lot of evidence where the road ends like from a young age. And I just, I wanted a way out, but I didn't know how to ask or I didn't know how to like get help. I don't even think I knew if I had health insurance or not at the time. Honestly, I think when I first went to treatment, I don't even know if insurance covered it. When was that? When was the first time I went to treatment was in 2011, I think. And then I got into this situation where like first of all, I was on probation. So like I wasn't like, didn't have like a huge option. So like the way like my family would be sitting around being like, we got to figure out how to get them into treatment. Right. And then I would be going to my probation officer and be like, I'm getting treatment set up. I'm getting treatment set up. But basically I went to treatment and then I was literally in treatment for like three years. And it was, but it was like 15 different facilities. I kept going and getting kicked out. And then or I'd like somebody would sneak drugs in. And of course I would like find out and I'd be like, well, you know, it's like I wanted to not be on drugs anymore, but I wasn't willing to do what I had to do to stay off of drugs. I was very much caught up in the, oh, like I'm a heroin addict. That's it. You know, because this was all prior to like my really bad cocaine use. It's like, I'm just a heroin addict. Like I can still drink. You know, I was like, I don't even like drinking. Why can't I drink? And then I had a counselor one time who was like, it's like you're sitting here obsessing about drinking. You're telling me you don't even like drinking and you feel like that's not an issue. You know, yeah, like you literally don't even like doing this and you're still obsessing about it when you have all of these other problems going on in your life. And at the time my response was like, yeah, I don't care. You know, she's like, you're going to become an alcoholic or you're going to go back to heroin. I was like, I don't care if I become an alcoholic. It's like, that's like fine. You know, like half the people in my life are alcoholics and they seem to be. Half the people in the world. Maybe, you know, like it's the only socially acceptable one. Yeah. Yeah. But basically I was bouncing in and out of treatment and then. So I ended up eventually I got like essentially body brokered to California, which for people that don't know what that is, explain what that is because that is something. That is a real thing. Yeah. And I don't know exactly how to explain it. I've went to not is it, is it outpatient where you go for the day and then you go to work or whatever? Yeah. I've done that treatment before, before I went to Solstice and there was guys in there that were in there from Florida where they would come to Texas and do that. And then they would go back to Florida and do it for like a month. Explain what body brokering is. Okay. So and I think it was 2012. They passed the Affordable Care Act. So like it was all wrapped up into the Obamacare and everything like that. And a small piece of that was that I think one of the concessions insurance companies had to make was that health insurance companies have to reimburse for treatment. So naturally just like, I guess it's not as much now, but back then like the treatment industry was dominated by typically people who were in recovery. Right. So scumbags. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like people or people who have scumbag tendencies, people say, right? I don't want to say everybody was bad. So I know that I had health. And so what happened to me is I know I had health insurance that was Colorado specific. Like I could not leave the state. Somehow when I was in treatment in Colorado, I was like, okay, well, Colorado is a problem. I need to get out of Colorado. So of course they give me all these brochures for all these like places because it was like, you can leave Colorado, but like you have to go do something that's like recovery based. So I end up picking this treatment center that I'm not going to name because they're still around. They've rebranded. I'm sure they're all above board now, but this was like the Wild West back there. I'm pretty sure most places were doing this. But when I called to set it up, they're like, oh, your insurance isn't going to work. But let us see if we can like make something happen. They call back. They're like, you're good to go. We're going to pay for your flight, blah, blah, blah, which they're not allowed to do. And basically what they did was they bought me insurance. So they bought me an insurance policy. I'm sure one that reimbursed really well. Yeah. And then flew me up. I didn't know any of that. And so they were like, yeah, you can be here for 90 days. It's not going to cost anything out of pocket, like anything like that. And I ended up like being there for like nine or 10 months. And I didn't get more than like a few weeks clean the entire time I was there. It was awesome. It's the most fun I've had in my entire life. But it was I was in this situation where it was at the time they called it the Florida model, but it was really just like a PHP situation. So I lived there and they would like bus us to groups, you know, certain amount of groups every day. And then we would go back to housing or whatever and we could leave and it was in California. So we'd like go to the beach and this place was huge. It was like 80 beds or like girls all over the place. Like we lived in a property that was like right next to a girl's property. Okay. And so we would literally just like peek over the fence and be like, let's go to the beach. And then we would just go to the beach and drink and I'd come back and get caught and they'd be like, now you have to go to our detox. So I'd go to detox for like three days and then they're just billing the shit out of my deposit. But they were paying for it. Yeah. But yeah. Oh my God, that place was the most fun I've ever had. But I eventually I eventually got kicked out. They gave me like a hundred opportunities. I like assaulted somebody when I was there. I kept getting in trouble for fraternization over and over. Like I was drinking or smoking weed or something like every few days. Yeah. And eventually I can't even talk about what I did on this to get kicked out. But it was awesome. But it was. We'll talk about that. I'll tell you guys off. But it was hilarious. But they got put into a situation where they like had to kick me out. Yeah. Yeah. And again, like all the shady business stuff aside, they were trying to help me like they were like they were giving me a lot of rope. But like the actual like client care direct staff gave a shit about me. They were trying to help me. They were trying to create change. But their hands were kind of tied because they never because of like the upper management stuff. They couldn't ever really give me a consequence. You know, they had my phone. I had a car. They'd be like, we're taking your phone. I'd be like, I swear to God, I'm leaving right now. And they're like, all right, you can have it. Me. You know, like it was there was just like nothing they could really do. So when I got kicked out like at this place, I've been living with the same three dudes for nine months. We've all been getting in trouble. One of these dudes is one of my best friends to this day. I was supposed to be a groomsman in his wedding, but it was too close to when my son was going to be born. So I had to had to cancel it. But I love this fucking kid. He's an idiot. But me and the other kid who's unfortunately since passed away. He ended up getting kicked out right after me. I actually don't even know if he got kicked out. I think he got scared. He was going to get kicked out. So this is when spice was like really big. Yeah. Like this when you just went to a store and you bought it. And so I went to this like sober living in Laguna Beach. That was like on the sand. Yeah. Laguna Beach is brand new. So they like gave me a scholarship and for like the first three weeks I was there. There wasn't even a house manager. So I was like, I can't get kicked like they'll kick me out of here. Like I can't get caught. So I was smoking spice. Dude, I was going nuts. I bet. I was going nuts. I was crawling around on the file. I've done like this like in this little loft thing. Yeah. There's like one other guy there who was did not give a shit about what I was doing. And I was like crawling at night and I was like not even just like trying to go get a snack. But I haven't smoked and spiced and not sleeping and it was just making me. Yeah. Nuts. Mm hmm. So my other buddy calls me. He got kicked out and he was like, can I sleep in your car? I was like, sure. And then somehow, you know, of course, we start like smoking spice or whatever. And he's sleeping in the car outside of my sober house. I'm up there and I'm like, wait, if they know he's getting high, like the other facility I was at, they know it was probably with me and they're going to call this place and get me kicked out of here. And so like in the middle of the night, I like walked down to the car and I was just like, I looked at him and I was like, dude, we're fucking going to Mexico. Like fuck it. Like I didn't even have a valid driver's license. You know what I mean? Have a car. Yeah. And I had. You had spice in a dream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And and he was like bet fuck it. Best idea I've ever heard. Um, so we probably between the two of us, we probably had about like a couple grand and so obviously like the addict math in my head. I was like, that's probably a year in Tijuana, right? And so, dude, we just like did not. I literally, I grabbed like a cardboard box and like packed it up like what I thought was pretty thoroughly. And then of course we get to Mexico. I realized I brought like seven shirts and one pair of pants and I was like, make it work. Yeah. Um, so we just go to Mexico. Neither of us. I don't even have a passport like anywhere. Yeah. There's nothing to look up. Like I have an invalid Colorado driver's license, but I was like, we're moving there, you know, I was like, there's got to be a hotel that will want to hire us. Yeah. Like obviously. Um. Did not work out like that. Um, so yeah, we go to, uh, we go to Mexico. We go to Tijuana. You know, the drug life, it's usually around some pretty rough stuff. And I was like, you know, we're going to be fine. Like it is what it is. The second we get into Tijuana, I was like, oh, like this is a different mistake. Yeah. And this is like in 2012, which like again, I wasn't super up on current events at the time, but, uh, it was like in the middle of like all the like cartel wars. Yeah. So like we're in Tijuana and like there is nobody there that looks like us. Like nobody. And so I was like, this is not what I was expecting. Like I thought that we were going to be able to kind of blend in a little better here. So anyway, we get there and, uh, God, I got, I'm going to have to like cut certain parts of this for sure. But, uh, basically we were like, we need to find a pharmacy. Like we need to find a pharmacy, but first let's get set up in a hotel and like look, we found this hotel that like to be honest was sick. Yeah. And it was like $15 a night. The issue is there's empty. There's like nobody there. So I was like, this just really feels sketchy. Like, um, so anyway, we go and we don't know where to go. And obviously it's like 2012. Our phones don't work cause we're in Mexico. So we have to like ask people, neither of us speak a lick of Spanish. Yeah. Not even a little bit. And, uh, so we go down to the hotel bar and I don't remember anything after that. Apparently we drank at the bar and I just like passed out and he somehow got me like up to the room and I woke up like 20 hours later. He's not there. And I can't find my car keys. Like I have no idea what's going on. My phone doesn't work. Like fucking friends was on. I don't know why that stuck out so much to me, but friends was on. So you start hearing that theme music that comes on and you're like, Teal one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was dude. It was one. I was also just like the most hungover. I, I, the only thing I can think of is that we got like roofied. Yeah. But it was like, I don't know what the point was like nothing. At the time I was just like, I just fucking time traveled. Yeah. I've no, like this dude has like got his head cut off somewhere. Like my buddy, like I was like, I have no clue. So I go downstairs. I'm freaking out. Can't find him anywhere. Our car is not in the little like garage thing. And I was just like, if he went to the pharmacy yesterday and he's not back, he's gone, like something is good here. And I go back up to the room. I'm like freaking out, like hoping that watching friends is going to make me feel better, which of course it doesn't. And then I like, so I start looking around the room and then I find like all like nice and neat, like all these little pills on the nightstand on my nightstand. And I was like, okay, he went to the pharmacy. Like he got stuff. So I was like, he just has to have gone like somewhere else. So I went down and I, the same lady who like gave us the room was there. And I was like, my friend, like, do you know where my friend is? She was like, I have no idea. She's like, but you have to move your car. I was like, where's my car? She's like, it's in the middle of the fucking street. Like, and I was like, what? And so I like run out. My car is running in the middle of the street and I fucking jump in like, cause I'm just like in this panic and I like jump in. And so I jump in and I get in the car and then all of a sudden like Dracula, this kid fucking pops out like on the back seat and he's just like, oh my God. And like scares the shit out of me. And I was like, dude, what the fuck? Like what the fuck happened? And he was like, no idea. And like, I had like really bad anger problems back then, right? And so he, uh, I keep in mind this was an emotional situation, but he like, out of nowhere, just starts crying. And I was like, dude, what? Like what? And he was like, don't fucking get pissed. And like in my head, I was like, I'm for sure. Yeah. Got to get pissed. But I was like, yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure, dude. He's like, dude, I fucking pissed everywhere back here. And I was like, our plan was to drive 24 hours into Mexico to Cabo, dude, and he pissed all over the car. And, um, basically, yeah, he's got, he like bought these, like he bought what he said was Xanax at this pharmacy. These pills were like this fucking right? So I was just like, this is Xanax? Yeah. Like how much? And he was like, I don't know. Yeah. And so we just started eating them and yeah, we ended up being in Mexico for, I think like eight or nine days. Oh, dude, I thought you were going to say eight or nine months. I was like, oh my God. No, dude, we didn't, I didn't have another second in me, like down there. Like it was so bad. I mean, they still had like the old oxys down there and like those are already gone at this point, but they still had them and they were like a dollar pop. So we just had like, you know, like endless supply. Oh my God. So we had all these drugs, all this stuff. We're just eating unknown amounts of pills and driving on dirt roads at like 90 miles an hour. So basically I'm going to jump to when we get to Cabo. I'll tell you guys more about this story out there, but we get to Cabo. And this was a really pivotal point for me. So I'm like 20 years old and finally like we get there and I'm sitting there and we have like eight dollars left. I'm like, how did we find this was supposed to last years, dude? Like how did we? And I was like, what do we do? And he was like, I guess we should go get a bucket of beers. I was like, all right. And so perfect. We're sitting at this hotel bar in Cabo, right? And like already, dude, like, you know, like my hair is sticking out of the side of my head, like, like we look like maniacs. So all of a sudden my phone starts ringing and like, I guess maybe phones work in Cabo, maybe they don't or whatever. And I answer it and and it was it was my mom. And she was like, hey, sweetie, you know, like, what are you doing? I was like, uh, you know, like, oh, I'm just at the sober house and hanging out and she was like, oh, so you're not in fucking Cabo right now. And I was like, what? I was because nobody knew we were there. And I was like, how did you even like I couldn't. There was no way. Yeah. Like, and I was like, how did you even know that? And she's like, because your aunt, like my great aunt share or my grandma's sister, she's like, she's in Cabo right now. And she said that she could have sworn that she saw you looking like the fucking idiot talking to yourself at a bar. And I was like, well, you know, she's not wrong entirely. I am here. And she's like, well, so what's the plan here? Genius. Yeah. She's like, how did you even get there? We drove. Yeah. Yeah. And basically, like at this point, like my mom was not giving me any kind of like help or anything. Keep in mind, this is on my dad's side. So this is like my grandpa, who's like, was a major general, not exactly a softie. Yeah. Right. And situations like this. And basically my mom was just like, okay, I don't like, I don't even know what to do. Like you don't even have a passport you moron, you know, and she was like, you're going to have to just go back to the border and ask that they like let you back in. And I was like, I know that I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I'm almost certain that's not how it works. You know, like they don't just let you back in and she was like, what else are you going to do? And so I was like, well, we don't have enough money to get back and she was like, find a Western Union. I'll like, why are you money? How much did it cost you to get down there? And of course it was like in gas. It was probably like 300 bucks. I was like a thousand dollars. Yeah. And she was like, well, I don't even know why I did that because we already had so many drugs that we had to do before. Yeah. We went over the border and that we had to do. Yeah, of course. Of course. And I remember that we only have eight dollars. Not in it. We got holy shit. We got to do a lot of drugs in that three days. It was a great responsibility. Yeah. It was a tall task. So basically she was like, I like you're set up at this detox. Probably like your grandpa got it set up and she was like, how long is it going to take you to get there? And I was like, I mean, I was like, I, you know, I was like, it was at least 24 hours from here to, you know, from Tijuana to here. And I was like, so like, I would probably like 30 hours depending on what happens at the border. I don't know. And she was like, you have two days. She's like, if you don't show up, don't call us. Don't do anything like you have two days to get there. And she like wired me the money and she of course knew. She was like, I don't care. Like get back or don't. Like I can't. I cannot do this with you anymore. So we get back to the border and we're so fucked up. Like we were so and that this point it was like all opiate. So it was just like, yeah. And we're like sitting in that line and just like to get into the United States and just like nodding off. We finally get up there forgot to like throw everything out of the car that we didn't finish. And we pull up and this dude was like, you know, passports, whatever. And I was like, so we don't have them. Is that like, is it a huge issue that we don't have them? And of course he was like, yeah, it's kind of a big deal. And I was like, dude, I was like, I have an expired driver's license. Authentic. Yes. It's real. It's a real thing. Like my car has Colorado license plates. Like I don't look like I'm from here. Yeah. I sound like I'm from here. Like, but I don't know what to do because like I don't even have a passport. And so he was like, Jesus Christ, you know, and he was like, pull over here. He's like, I need to go talk to my supervisor. He was gone for like an hour and there's like, dude searching cars everywhere. And like they weren't coming over towards us, but I was just like, like, are we going to, you know, and it's like there's just like spilled pills all over the floorboards of the car. Like there's just no, if they even look closely at this like we're fucked. The dude comes back and gives me my ID. He was like, all right, you guys are good to go and just let us back in. Wow. I think like probably how earnest you were in that. You were like, look, dude, I don't know why I'm here. Yeah. I just need to go back there. Yeah. And I've got this. Yeah. I've got this car. I have red hair. You know, like, yeah, that's all I can tell you, man. Like, yeah. I did. I honestly part of me is just like, I think we might have just locked like lucked out and this guy was just like, I just don't want to deal with this right now. Like I just don't want to deal with the paperwork. And yeah, this isn't this isn't worth it. The you are, you are not who we're looking for. Yeah. And and they just, but because he had like made us pull off into this waiting era, we like passed all the searching stuff. We just like went right through fucking dogs. It was so bad. So I took this kid to I dropped him off at some like girl who had, you know, she had been kicked out of treatment or whatever. Right. Good man. And he was like, dude, call me when you get out of detox and we're like, yeah, figure something out. We should go back. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like he was laughing about it. Dude, we literally almost died like 50 different times down there. Like first of all, just like the driving situation alone was scary, but there was like, again, it's I'm not going to get into specifics, but there was like a situation where they have all these like checkpoints. Yeah. And like we got, there was a cop that like turned his lights on and we had one of the checkpoints who were like, if you're not like in the city, like don't pull over. Yeah. Right. And sure enough, like hours later, there's a cop behind us with his and I was like, do they have fucking radar guns here? Yeah. Because we were speeding. And I was like, do they even do that here? And like, is that a there's no way there's time to like worry about that here? Yeah. Like there's plenty of other stuff going on. Um, and I was like, well, I'm not like, all right, my buddy was driving. I was like, do not pull over. And he was like, I'm pulling over. I was like, don't fucking pull over. But then we have a checkpoint coming up. And I was like, blow through it, dude. He was like, they have assault rifles, dude. Like I'm not. Yeah. And I'm like, fucking blow through it. Like freaking out. And he was like, no, dude. And then we stopped in the cop just like went around us. Yeah. But like in that moment, I was like, we're getting fucking decapitated. Yeah. This is going to be so bad. I used to go across my daughter's mom is from a methamoros. So we used to go across to methamoros and reynosa. And I remember the first time we went to methamoros. This was like during when all the cartels started really fighting each other, like the golf cartel and the Zetas and all of them. And the first time I went over in methamoros, there was cops everywhere. The army was everywhere. I felt safe, right? And then her friends were like, let's go to reynosa. We went to reynosa and there wasn't fucking no cops there. There was no army. There was no nothing there. And her friends were like, hey, tell Stu, like if anybody says anything out of line to him, don't say shit back to him because they knew how it was. Because they'll fucking kill him here. And I'm like, why the fuck did you bring me like we need to leave? Yeah, I'm not staying here. Yeah. I someone says something to my chick. I'm not just going to. It's okay, sir. I know you're. No, I'm going to say something. So we left and then it was the same thing. We got pulled over by some cops on the way back and we pulled over and they just took our money. Yeah. And they just like, you know, give us a hundred bucks and we'll let you go pretty much. Yeah. Here you go. Yeah. They didn't take it. But yeah, it was crazy when I went over there, when I used to go over and then one time when we were coming back, they had the army and the Zeta's and the golf cartel. They were all fighting each other and we were stopped at the border. They closed the border down. We were in line and we couldn't get back across and we couldn't go back into Matamoros because they were literally chasing each other on the street. Yeah. And you could, we could watch it. It would, you could just hear boom, boom. It was crazy. Yeah. And then when we came back across, I never went back across again. I said, fuck that. And that's, that's when they started telling them like, you're Americans, you shouldn't be going across the border. Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. My, my fiance, her whole family is from Mexico, like outside of Guadalajara. And there's been like multiple times because like, I'll go to Cancun, like all flight to Cancun, but like, I'm not ever going back to rural. Tijuana. Right. Like, well, even Tijuana was so sketchy, but like, once you're in the, these like in between situations and you're just like, bro, there's like not gas stations, like gas stations are literally like a full gas tank apart. Yeah. And it's so like, it's just like, dude, if we like, it's, it was August, you know, it's like, if we run out of gas here, our phones don't work. Like there's nothing. You know, where to go. It's a thousand degrees outside. Like, we would have been super high, but that's it. You know, like, yeah, but I just like can't do it. But when we got back, I remember, I mean, I laugh about all this stuff now, but like at the time. No, that's super sketchy. Yeah. Like at the time, what's so funny to me now that I'm like, you know, of course not dead, but like at the time he like already thought it was funny. And I just, I had this like crazy perspective shift of like, maybe this shit's not going to look like a drug overdose. You know, like maybe, maybe I, you know, like maybe this, like, you know, I'd always been so subscribed to like the heroin will kill me eventually, but it's like, what if it doesn't? And I just keep doing this and keep doing this. Or what if I put myself in a situation and get, you know, some sort of deadly situation that's not a drug overdose and not peaceful, you know, and I'm not that that's necessarily peaceful, but you know what I mean? Yeah. And he was like, oh man, we'll laugh. We'll tell our kids about this. And you know, like I have kids and I was like, I'm never fucking tell them. Yeah. But I just remember being like, dude, I can't like, I can't do it anymore. And he was just like, what? Like, and I was like, I don't care if I have to stop. Like if I can't drink, I don't care if I can't smoke weed. Like I, like I can't do this anymore. And so I went to detox. Like I still kept up with like, we were still boys. Yeah. But I went to this detox. They let me go back to that same sober living house. And my grandpa got like very involved in the situation at the time. Thank God. I mean, I didn't feel that way in the moment. Yeah. But, you know, because like my mom's funds were fairly limited, you know, like, and my grandpa was a pretty, pretty wealthy dude. And so we started talking. He basically was like, you need to go back to Colorado or you're coming to Texas. You know, and I was like, yeah, I'd only been to San Antonio. And I was like, I don't want to go to Texas. I was like, but I'm going to die. Yeah. If I go back to California. So I tried to reason with him and I was like, I can get a job here and like, I'll start doing the meetings and the stuff they're telling me to do. And he was like, OK, he's like, if you have a job in a week, like we'll shut it down. So I got a job. I started going to meetings. I got a sponsor and then a week rolls by and I have this little dude who walks into my room at five a.m. and kicks my bed to wake me up and he goes, Michael, going to Texas today. I like woke up and I was like, dude, I'll go anywhere. Like I'll go anywhere except for Texas. He was like, it's already been decided. And I was just like, whatever. And so he was an interventionist dude and he got me to this place in Buda called Nova. I was like, I think I was like the eighth or ninth client at Nova. And when was this 2012? OK. And I was pissed. I wanted to be in California. You know, it's like the beach and the girls and you know, whatever. But I was just like, what? I was like, I can't do treatment anymore. Like if I'm going to be here, I'm going to do this to the best of my ability. And if it doesn't work, like I'm not trying again. And I basically I was pissed about being there, but I was like, I'm going to. I'm going to try. Mm hmm. I'm going to keep my nose clean and and do this stuff and just like a total God thing. I mean, all this stuff leading up to this in hindsight like was God was with you. I mean, that's yeah. I used to always say, man, I'm just really lucky. Yeah. And now being sober, I'm like, no, just God really protected me. Yeah. Like he protected me and the people that were around me. Yeah. And and I mean, it's it's crazy to look back and it's like it literally couldn't have been. And it's like, you can explain this stuff to people and they'll be like, oh, it was just quince or just and it's just like, dude, you were not there. Right. You were not in this and I'm not a religious person. I don't even talk about God a lot. But it's like when people ask, like, do you believe it God? It's like I've had direct experience. Yeah. Like it's not questioned. It's not, you know, whether it's a Christian God or whatever, like I don't care to really dive that deep into it myself. But it's like I had something that was way bigger than me. Right. That would like actively had their hands on just like grabbing your head and like pointing you in the direct. Like, yeah, dude. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. And so I, uh, I got super, I shouldn't even say lucky, just the right things happened. And at this facility is like brand new, this young dude owned it. He owned this like sober living like big business guy, super smart dude. And he just like wanted to provide really, really good care. He actually gets a really bad, he has like a bad reputation now in the recovery community, but it's all bullshit. He just doesn't play the marketing game and he doesn't care if he's friends with everybody, but it's completely ethical dude and absolutely gives a shit about helping people. Um, but, uh, I had this counselor there who keep in mind, like I would go bully my way around treatment. Like I would be like, I'm not, I would literally like sit in a counselor's office and they'd be like, if you don't talk, we can just sit here for an hour. But cool. And I'd literally sit there for a good, real hunting style. Yeah. Like, and just so stubborn and like, if I didn't like one of the guys, I would like freak out and like get into fights or whatever. And she sat in because there was an interventionist involved. He knew my history. So they knew a bunch about me before I got there. And I sat down with this counselor lady who's like, oh, witchy and she has all these like crystals in her, in her office. And I remember being like, this is a fucking crock of shit. Like, and she like sat down and she was super nice at first. And she was just like, Hey, my name's Jen. You know, um, I just, you know, before we have our session, like, I wanted to clear the air a little bit. And I was like, okay, cool. And she was like, nobody here is fucking scared of you. We do not give a shit if you stay here. If you want to leave, I'll get you your suitcases right now. You're not going to freak out. You're not going to tell us what to do. You're either going to sit here and you're going to do what's asked you or you're going to fucking leave. And I was just like completely. And I was like, I want to be here. I want to be here. And she's like, good, we want you here. You know, and just like, you know, like I was just, and, um, she was just kind of like, you know, tell me where you're at, like, tell me where you're at. And I was just like, I don't want to do this. I recognize that I have to do this. Um, but like, this is it. Like, I will do everything you ask of me, but I'm not trying again. If it doesn't work. And she was like, if you do everything that's asked you, it'll work. Nothing to worry about. And so I did. And, you know, I mean, that woman is I still, I mean, I was literally texting with her the other day. I mean, she's still my, she's not my therapist anymore, but she's like my, I don't know, mentor. She's almost like my, it's hard to explain, but she's like, almost like my father figure. Yeah. If that makes sense. Cause like my mom is super sweet. You know, like all this stuff, but she's like almost like my second mom, but she almost plays that role of my father figure cause she just like tells me the fucking truth. Yeah. Like, um, and she's always there for me. All this stuff. She actually knew Seth really well too. Um, but, uh, was that the, he was, he was using a counselor there for a while. That was a woman when he was at Solstice. Was that her? And he was with me. It might have been if he was seeing her like formally as a therapist, probably not. Okay. I don't know, but like she's for sure, played a huge role in his life. Um, same with Johnny. Like, and it's weird too. She's like involved with a bunch of the worst boys, but none of it's through Solstice. Yeah. Yeah. I used to hear them talk about her. Yeah. Like she was a fucking savage. Oh, for sure. And I'm absolutely her favorite. Yeah. I'm absolutely. Yeah. Of course you are. So, um, but yeah, I did, I did really well. Um, I was, I think 20 about to turn 21. Maybe I just turned 21. I took it super serious. I met like, you know, one of my best friends in the world while I was there and we, you know, we're in treatment together. So we're living together an apartment for years after until, you know, we started having kids and things like that. And, um, I did great and got a, you know, and moved back home to Colorado when my daughter was young and fucking blew it all up again. Yeah. And that's what that is. What led me to Solstice. I was sober for a little under six years. And again, it was like kind of a short run in the grand scheme of things. I mean, it was like six or seven months and. Yeah. But you did a lot in those six or seven months. Yeah. I mean, it was, have you ever heard people say, I hate this saying, I can't even believe I'm saying this, but like, if you ever heard people say like, for every moment you're sober, your disease is in the back of your head doing pushups. Oh yeah. Dude, it was the second I used after five and a half years. I'm not using. I was 20 times worse than I had ever been. But like I was fighting this completely different animal because like I got sober through AA. Yeah. Right. So now what I've like given the disease or whatever you want to call it, the opportunity to do is like almost use all of that knowledge and experience against me. Yeah. Like, and it's like, you got your shot. You're never going to get back to where you were. Like, see this stuff was never real. Like, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like all this crazy shit. And then the problem with getting back into it is I know all the shit I don't have to do to stay sober. If that makes sense, like if I don't do a nightly every night, I'll be fine. Yeah. Right. Like if I don't, if I don't tend to every, you know, like if, like all this little stuff, which whether it's true or not is not relevant, that's not how you get sober. Right. Like when you get sober, you need to be fucking doing that shit. Like you need to have an experience doing it. And then as you grow, like hang on to what's effective for you and hang on to what's not, but at least you're making like an educated decision with that experience that's like fresh. I'm not telling people to not do certain shit. They're sponsors. Tell them to do, by the way. Yeah. Do what your sponsor says. Yeah. Um, but yeah, so I went to solstice and I mean at my lowest and it was the best experience of my life. I didn't take it seriously at all the first time I went. Mm hmm. I did zero work. Um, but that was like the thing about solstice and what made solstice so special is that like it was very sinker swim. Mm hmm. It's, you know, at the end of the day, like it really wasn't, uh, it's like it was a treatment center, but it really wasn't like it was coal created a place for guys that had almost nothing and had done this and had been through this with a few exceptions of guys that like we just kind of knew on the front end we're going to fit in. Yeah. Cause like the culture there was so important. If you went to solstice and you did not fit into that culture, like I'm sure you had guys who did not, you know, like they slip in. Yeah. They slip in and they're not, they're not going to have a good time. They're going to become a target. Yeah. You can't get fucked with. Yeah. Bad. Um, so, and like sometimes you see guys shift out of that and be able to like kind of dive in, but solstice really all it was about was being with being in a safe place with the fucking boys. Yeah. Like that's it. It's like we need to figure this out. We need to get somewhere safe reset and then kind of get back out there and do what works, but nothing was forced. I mean, we went through the 12 steps and stuff while we were there. I mean, kind of if you wanted to, that was definitely there for you, but you weren't really going to be forced to do anything. And so like for a guy who didn't want to be serious, like me the first time I was there wasn't that I didn't want to be serious, but I was just like, I'll go to treatment and I'll just like get better because I know what to do. Right. And so then of course I show up at treatment and I don't do any of the things that I know to do. Yeah. Um, and they didn't treat me any differently. Like they really didn't. And I mean, they were honest with me about like, I think this is going to work. You're not going to do it. You know, like, like you can hang out. Um, but it was just, I mean, I don't know. It was just like I went to, I had the dude who my boy, I'm not going to say his name because he's still out doing this thing. And, but you know, like we're selling drugs and figuring it out and getting high. And like this dude is like one of the worst drug addicts I've ever met. Yeah. But also just like he's super smart dude hustler, grimy, like, but. He's, oh, I fucking love this dude. But, um, he was actually my client at another treatment center I worked for during my first period of sobriety. I took him through the 12 steps while he was in treatment. And then years later we ended up getting high together, but, uh, but he had been to solstice and I knew Cole. I used to work for Cole at the first facility. He owned. Um, and that, you know, I, I'm either Cole or someone reached out to me kind of that I knew through there and like, Hey, why don't you like come in? And I was like, yeah, for sure. Like I need detox and they're like, why, why don't you just come in? You know, like how about you just like get in the car right now and then you can just drive here and then we'll figure it out. And I was like, yeah. I still got a bunch of coke over here. But, uh, but the kid who I was like, and this is like, I'm never going back to treatment, blah, blah. And he was like, you should go. Yeah. He was like, you should go. First of all, I was like in psychosis and like we're in this like tiny little apartment. So every 10 minutes I'd be like, what'd you say? You know, was I talking like what? He goes, shut the fuck up. I'm so annoying to be around when I'm hiding. Oh my God. But, uh, but I was like, all right, I'll go. Um, and I had an awesome experience as far as like community and meeting these guys and just like, oh my, like I knew within 30 seconds. Like, oh, this is like my spot. Yeah. Like this is, this is it. I knew immediately when I got there too. Yeah. Like I always say like they couldn't have picked a better 11 guys for me to be around and then the staff and everything. Like if I could have handpicked them myself, yeah, it's pretty much the same group that I would have picked maybe one or two that I would have. Yeah. But you know, the ones that I know. Yeah. But like Seth fucking heaven, Mickey fucking Ashton. I mean, those fucking little Tyler, big Tyler, that was such a good community. Just such a fucking good group of dudes that understood that got it. Yeah. You know, it was a, it was, I told Cole when I was like, I was counting the days down because I didn't want to go. I was like 30 days or one day down, two days down after like two or three days. I just stopped even counting. Yeah. I was like, this is dope. Yeah. And then y'all took us to play softball my first night there. I was fucking awesome. I was like, dude, I'm amazing. Yeah. I don't have any cleats, but I'm really good. Yeah. I'm trying to play softball and no cleats. It's fucking terrible. Yeah. And then Seth, Seth was like, dude, I'm an all state baseball player. I'm fucking amazing. Yeah. So we're like, all right, cool. So Seth gets out there. What is it? What when you're coming off of a, when he didn't understand that he's going through withdrawal still. Yeah. So you're going to be dehydrated and not be able to run around and shit. Yeah. So I remember when Seth was running the first base, nobody touched him. Yeah. It just, it looked like someone shot him while he was running like a sniper guy. Yeah. The sniper. And he just fucking faced first into the fucking ground and just started crawling and just, you know, yeah, it was a great place to be, man. Yeah. That was, yeah, that was such a fun time. But yeah, that was a crazy night. And he was so mad. Seth was so, he was so pissed. And it was like, first of all, dude, it's like, like obviously like on the surface it looks very similar, but like, even if you're really good at baseball, like, it's different, like it is different. Like you have to like kind of figure out like your place in it. But he was just like, I mean, that was just Seth. Like he was, I mean, Seth was a freak athlete. Like he really was. But, but like it's just different. He was like so pissed and he was in like sweats. He was so fucking mad. It was so hot. Like it was, yeah. And he was just furious. Like, I'm never fucking playing this again. Yeah. And he ended up playing for ALR later. Yeah, bro. Seth was, when Seth, when me and Seth would hook up after fucking being out of rehab, we'd always go work out together. Yeah. Like when he would go back out and he'd come back in and be like, hey, I'm back in the gym. Let's go get a workout in. And he could fight like I could work out for a year straight. Seth could fucking do whatever he's doing out there for a year, get back in the gym for two weeks and be stronger and bigger than me immediately. It was fucking insane. Yeah. Like we would go work out. He's I'm like, how long I'm only a month sober now. And I'm like, how the fuck are you better than me? Yeah. And he's outlifting me. I've got a lie and say, yeah, my shoulders hurt. Yeah. I can't really lift him up. I tore my shoulder two weeks ago. Yeah. Because I'm embarrassed because he's fucking outlifting me on everything that we're doing. It was insane that his physique, it really was. Yeah. I mean, he was just, I think definitely like on some level genetically gifted, but he also did like this dude would be shooting dope and meal prepping. Like he would be eating like quinoa and baked chicken. Yeah. And stuff. And so I mean, I'm sure like when things would get really bad, you know, like that would fall off. But like he was it was weird. He's just like a super disciplined dude and in certain aspects of his life. But it's just funny because when you'd meet him, he's like such a goof. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. But at the same time, he was jealous. Well, let's not give him too much credit. He was genetically gifted. Yeah. He was very good. But yeah, I mean, he was a good dude. I mean, he's just like an example of, you know, I mean, a lot of people in the recovery industry and even just the recovery world will talk shit about solstice and that place doesn't work. And I mean, they're not honestly like it's like they're not wrong for the most part. It doesn't. But what's funny about it is like none of the facilities they work for have like a better success rate. Right. Like I'm not saying solstice is better. Right. It's like you guys that you think like you don't have alumni dying every month, you know, it's like and it's it's crazy and it's funny. I know you guys had coal on and you met coal and it's like there are people who literally will go around in the industry like it's not as much anymore. But like when we first started like that dude's an idiot. Like that dude's like he just like gives this stuff away from free and then it doesn't work and it doesn't work. And it's like, dude, that dude is literally the best fucking dude. I know that dude is scholarship me to treatment three times when all these other friends that I had, I'm not saying they wouldn't do it. But all these people, I was a marketer in this industry for years. I knew everybody. And when I was struggling, I could not get somebody to give me a shot. I did have one other facility to give me a shot. There was actually recovery unplugged. They gave me a scholarship. So I don't want to say nobody. But for the most part, it's like I couldn't I got kicked out of Solstice the first time that I went there. And then he scholarship me again to come back. You know what I mean? Like he just he's a dude who just doesn't give up on people and, you know, being like the business development and admissions guy at Solstice is not always easy with him just because like he's not going to look at the money. Like when it comes down to an admission, he's not going to look at the money like that. He would literally like, is he a good fit? I'd be like, hey, we got a guy. I don't know if there's like that much there. I'm going to work on it. Bob, he's like, was he a good fit? I'm like, yeah, he's like, just get him in. Yeah, I figure wasn't money with him. Like we got to get the money. He did like, yeah, he's like, no, just get him in. Yeah. Yeah. Super good, dude. And and everybody that has went through Solstice will say the same thing about him. Anybody who's actually had a conversation with him will say the same thing. Just a really, really good dude. Yeah. What I wanted to ask you when you was in admissions, how long did you work for Solstice? I worked for Solstice, I think for two, like the last two years. So you've seen a lot of guys come and go, right? Oh, yeah. And I mean, I've been going in and out. I mean, I've been worse boys for seven or eight years, six or seven years. I don't know. So when you were in admissions, I hope I word this the right way. Because you see, unfortunately, the longer that you're in sobriety or longer that you're in this game, you're going to see a lot of people that don't make it. Oh, yeah. And you get close to a lot of people in recovery. And so in your time at Solstice, I know there was people that would come in, go out and go back out and then never come back. Unfortunately. Yeah. And does that affect you the same way every single time? Or is it something that I don't want to say you get used to it? Um, because I don't think that you ever get used to losing good people. It's as that's a question. Um, that's a good question. But, uh, I think on some level I get used to, I mean, I've been dealing with death specifically from like a pretty young age, like people that were pretty big in my life. You know, it's, it wasn't just my dad, you know, it's like my dad died when I was a teenager, like I lost multiple friends. I've lost friends from obviously the primary is drug overdoses, but car wrecks. Yeah. Murder. I mean, everything, you know, I've lost friends who lose their life to the system and they're in jail for the rest of their lives and it's hard. I mean, they're definitely they're deaths that hit me harder and I don't know why. And then there are deaths that I deal with better than I would thought I was going to deal with them. It makes sense. Like, um, you know, like the last time I got high, my buddy, uh, who is, I was in treatment with him. I mean, he was one of my best friends for sure, but he wasn't even like the dude. I was closest with like, you know, you go to treatment and there's that one guy. Who's like, this is my, that's my dude. This is my boy. And so really that guy was this kid, Matt, who's my best friend to this day. I was texting him literally in your kitchen. Um, but there was this other guy who's there. His name was Gage and, um, he was an idiot, but I fucking loved this dude. Like I absolutely loved this dude, um, but we were in sober living together and then we started selling drugs together from the sober house. And so obviously things were starting to spiral, but neither of us were had really gone off the rails yet. And, um, he just like disappeared one day and I had gotten high. I can't remember if it was before or after he left. It doesn't really matter, but, um, did he ended up like, we still don't know like a hundred percent for sure what happened, but he like essentially got beat to death in a hotel room in Chicago. Um, and he had like, we owned like a contract, little contracting company together. He had all my money. Like he had literally everything. And the way we found out was, so I had been in contact with his family and I had actually, I called his mom. I was like, Oh, he signed on to Facebook. So I was like, you know, he's like online. I was like, he's not responding, but at least we know he's live. And then she was like, the police just left. He's dead. And she was like, I don't know what happened. They're being weird about it. But, um, basically, I think his cause of death was fentanyl overdose, but like he had been beaten like horrifically. Yeah. Um, like even at his open casket funeral, the injuries were still fairly, I mean, he, he didn't look too bad, but, um, but that one, that one fucked me up. And I have no, no rhyme or reason. I went and got high. This was the last time I got high. I got high for literally 24 hours. I ended up being in the ICU for like six weeks with a mersa in my wrist. Yeah. Um, and, uh, it's like years took me years for some reason to deal with that one. Um, and to be honest with you, no, and then it's like, and then someone like Seth does and I probably was closer with Seth and I'm just like more equipped. And I don't, I think a lot of it has to do with just like where I'm at and timing and things like that. Um, but I mean, I would say since I've gone to solstice, we've probably lost like the first time we've probably lost. I mean, I've never counted, but I would guess 50, 50 dudes. I think I think Cole said about a hundred from when he opened it. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. And it's, uh, I mean, it's just it's brutal, but it's also. Unfortunately, I don't mean this to sound like callous, but like it's part of the game. Like it's just part of if a bunch of your friends are drug addicts, especially now. I mean, it's been bad since 2011. You know, like when I first started. Yeah. Going into this, but like people were not dying anywhere close to the rate. Yeah. They're dying now. And, um, I think it did. I mean, it's, it's just one of those things where people die and it's like this shock. I don't feel that anymore. And then usually like, like a couple of days ago, I definitely started to have those feelings like, dude, I'm never going to see Seth again. Yeah. You know, like I'm never. And I was on a roof with Seth on like, like eight days ago. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? And what I'll say is like what I've learned from this stuff. And Seth is actually really like the first one where I was certain, but I always have this thought when people die and I don't know why. I mean, from back from every time when my dad died. Yeah. And I just always have this thought. And it's like, I really hope that this person knew how much I loved them. Mm hmm. You know, and I mean, you're a worst boy. So you know this, but it's like, we say, I love you when we hang up the phone. We say, I love you every time we don't see each other. And like the one thing I'm grateful for about the Seth situation is like, I saw Seth last Friday, we were on a roof. And the we're laughing our asses off the whole time because he's being a psychopath. Like he always is like right in front of my customer. But he was like, all right, I got to go. And he jumped off the roof and I was like, all right, I love you, dude. And he was like, love you too. And so like, I know one for 100 percent certain the last interaction was I love you. And I mean, that's like, I think why it's so important for us to do that stuff. You know, it's like my daughters are like, you say, I love you to our friends, you know, and everything. And like, I can't be like, well, all my friends fucking die. You know, you know, it's like, it's just important to me that I don't want to have to wonder that. Yeah. Like I don't want to have to wonder does this person knew how much I gave a shit about them and hopefully they do. But you know, it's it's. But yeah, it's it's rough. And in a month, I might be in my fucking bathroom crying out of nowhere. And yeah, I might handle this one really well. I might. It's just, I don't honestly, I just don't have a lot of awareness on when I or when I don't react. But it's definitely it hits me at different times. Yeah. Like I lost a good friend two weeks ago. My longest living friend. And I think I may have cried like once here until we got to the funeral and we got to the funeral and I seen him and I got to touch him. It was my it was terrible, you know, and it's the first person like I've lost some people during sobriety, but it was one of the one of the closer ones that I've been to in sobriety. And I knew like I couldn't use because of it. Right. So I just have to deal with it. And and there was a few days after that it would come and go and same same thing is going to happen with Seth. You know, it's just some days. It'll be harder than others. And but yeah, I've always wondered like when someone does like admissions. So like, cause you see, you get to interact with everybody that comes in. Yeah. And when I went to Solstice, you were the first person I talked to you. Yeah. You know, and you get to interact with everybody. You actually gave me a partial scholarship. Yeah. Yeah. So but I've always wondered like how people deal with that when they work in recovery because I would love to work in recovery. Uh huh. Um, if I didn't have the job that I had, that's probably where I'd be working. Yeah. But man, it's got to be hard seeing people come and go and getting close to them. But something I did learn at Solstice is that's where I got the I love you. Yeah. From is I tell everybody now, I don't even if you're not in recovery. If I say bye to you, it's a man. I love you. Yeah. You know, and there's there's meaning to it. There's truth to it. It's just not me telling a girl. Love you. Yeah. You don't. Yeah. So well from the outside in like I'm not a whore. I'm not a worst boy. I don't identify as an addict or recovery. Do some gay stuff. Yeah, I do a lot of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Addicted to that for sure. No, but there's no, um, there, there's no right way to feel about that. Like right or wrong way to feel. It's just if you feel it, let it happen. Right. Like, I mean, and whether that's a day or a month or a year, you know, fucking just. Yeah. Let, let it, let it flow. Yeah. Get on the other side of it and, and go from there. You know, I, I remember hearing stories about Seth and Evan and a lot of the other guys there when he came out. I mean, I've, I've never seen him like so lit up. Like one of the, one of the things that I appreciate about solstice and me having a personal interaction with it was I was, me and him were just fucking dick and fart jokes all the time when he was in before addiction. And, uh, and I remember they were like, yeah, he's going to go get help and treatment. And I was happy about that, but I was like, dude, am I going to have to fucking like sit in a pow wow circle and sing kumbaya with my dick and fart guy? No, you know, like, am I losing my buddy? Like, how am I going to have to re interact with him? Yeah. And he came out of there the same fucking dude just sober. Yeah. Right. And, and I feel like if, if it wasn't for that place and the way that it went, then it wouldn't have happened that way. Maybe it would have been different. Maybe I would have been fucking sitting in a prayer circle with this dude or whatever because I would have done it. Yeah. But, um, so yeah, that, that's kind of my level of appreciation for that place. And the, the lives that are lost suck, but that happens just in addiction and in recovery. It doesn't matter what blanket you're putting it under. Uh huh. So the way that I choose to think about it is we got a life saved. We got a life saved. Right. And I know this is a callous word, but the collateral damage isn't solstice running it one way and this place running it another or this place running it another. It's the fucking disease. Yeah. And that's just, it's that simple. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's very well said. And that's, that's, that was, that was the point I think is it's really easy to get sober and kind of lose like you. The nice thing is you get to lose all this stuff that's really negative about you or all this stuff that you don't like, but a lot of times we can get really rigid in our beliefs and think that this other type of stuff isn't okay. Like it's not okay to joke about what, like I refuse to live in a world where I can't joke about everything. I mean, yeah, when we were talking about Seth, like this is probably going to sound bad, but like if you die and we don't start making fun of you, we didn't like you that much. We didn't care that much. Like that's the whole point, you know, and like that's the, I literally promise you Seth does not want us sitting around here moping and groping and Seth would be making fun of us. Yeah. There's no fucking doubt about it. It's, it's, I think, you know, it's like, it's, and like, I mean, this kind of ties into the admissions thing, but like when I met Seth, I mean, it was probably three or four years ago now and like he was absolutely on death store. Right. Absolutely on death store. Um, he was really, really down. And he was like just super confused about, he had a similar experience to me at a long period of sobriety and like could not figure out how to get back into it. Um, but it's like, I, you know, with this one, it's like, one of those things where it's like, I'm grateful we got those other three or four years. Yeah. You know what I mean? Cause like we were certainly not guaranteed that. And again, like obviously I wish that we could have gotten a full life. Right. Um, but at the same time, it's like that dude made a difference in my life. You know, like I went from client to coworker to client again with Seth, you know, and like just all this stuff, but it sucks, but it's, it's one of those things where I, I don't know if I feel this way about all my dead friends, but like for sure with Seth where it's like, he does not want me sitting around being sad and that's just like not how he was at all. Yeah. Like at all. Yeah. So when you do just know that Seth's in the back of your brain calling you a pussy. Yeah. When you start crying. When you cry for you pussy, like that's, that's right on target. Yeah. Well, super good dude, man. Yeah. Well, look dude, uh, Seth Allen, that's his name. Look man, rest easy. And, uh, I think we got a, another one in the books here. Yes, sir. What do you guys think? Thanks for having me. Yes, sir. It was cool. It was good to see you. I haven't seen stewing forever, man. Brother, you need to, you need to come be a little more present, dude. I've heard a lot about you. Yeah. And, um, I know you're busy dude. You've got, you got all the, you got all these kids. And you got all this life and I'm happy that you existed and not just for him, but for so many others. And, um, and, uh, you're welcome anytime. So yeah, swing by anytime and you want to sit back there. You can do it. We'll sit there again. Love to have you. You know, it's crazy is when he pulled up, he called me and said, dude, you live in this neighborhood. I said, yeah. He said the first roof that him and Seth did together. So Seth, yeah. When I first transitioned out of treatment and into roofing Seth's was at the company I'm at. So of course he was like, dude, come out every day. Just come out with me. See how it works. And, uh, he had, he started getting a little busy and he had a job out here at roof. He was replacing, but he couldn't actually like project manage the day of the build. Um, and it was like, we're less than a football field away from that house. Next straight over. Nice. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy. Well, put full circle. Yeah. We'll circle shit, man. Yeah. Well, um, thank you again, brother for coming by, stopping in and sharing. He, that fucking Mexico story is going to be up there for, you got to tell us about that's for the, that's for the ages and, um, you know, sign the wall. You got to sign the wall now. And, uh, we want to sign Seth on that. Yeah. Put, put Seth up there. I was just about to say it. Like there's a couple of people who paid tribute to lost ones and I got an idea. There you go. Yeah. All right. Well, uh, to addicts and Amoran sir, we're out. Love you, Seth. Love you guys.