Controlling Your Tongue

Help Show Kids the Importance of Marriage, Family, and Faith in Christ. Support Focus on the Family as we launch the animated film, Adventures in Odyssey, Journey into the Impossible. Over 9,000 children each year make decisions for Christ after listening to Adventures in Odyssey. And you can help by donating to the film's launch. There's a dollar for dollar match until May 1st, so your gift will be doubled when you give today. Simply go to FocusOnTheFamily.com slash Impossible. Whenever you can, encourage rather than criticize. And I think that is so critical because it impacts other people's progress. When you read the story of Miriam in the Bible where they criticized Moses and then God struck her with leprosy, the whole place came to a standstill. They couldn't move. Nobody could move forward. And I say that's a lesson there because when you are critical like that, it really impies other people's progress. Well, Deborah Pagay joins us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And she's going to be talking about how your words reveal your heart. I'm John Fuller. You know, John, have you ever said something that as the words are coming out, you're wishing, hoping that you could get them back in? Far too many times. It's kind of a trick question. I remember doing a devotion with Trent and Troy when they were younger. And I squeezed out toothpaste and said, now put it back in the tube. Of course you can't. You could get a little back in there, but you can't do it. And that's the whole point of the devotional. You know, once you say something, it's impossible to put it back in the tube. And it was, I think, a pretty impactful little devotional. But today we want to talk about how to curb what we say and how we say it. So our words reflect Christ. You don't have to worry about getting it back in the tube if you're reflecting the words of Jesus, right? Yes. Compassion and, you know, good questions being interested in somebody, sincere, loving, kind, all the fruit of the spirit. The Bible tells us to do everything without complaining or arguing. Just that one command could take a lifetime to master. That's my experience because it isn't really about the tongue. It's about the heart, as the scripture says. From the heart the tongue speaks. And man, we need to be mindful as Christians about those things. Here's the hope. With God's help and the Holy Spirit's guidance, we can grow in this area. We can learn to pause, to take our thoughts captive and to bless instead of wound. And here at Focus on the Family, we want to work on that. And we're assuming you too, as a believer in Christ, will want to work on that. So we're going to cover this today with our great friend and guest, Deborah Piguet. Yeah, she is one of our most popular guests. We always love having her back here. And she spent many years as a leader in the corporate world. She's a CPA, a certified behavioral consultant, a Bible teacher, international speaker, and has written a number of books, including 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue. What you say and don't say will improve your relationships, which is really the topic for the conversation today. You can learn more about the book at our website, and the link is in the show notes. And Jim, we're going to pick it up as you asked Deborah about why taming the tongue is so important. Why do you think people have resonated with your message? Well, first of all, I think it's because God took a mess and turned it into a message, because I wrote the book because I messed up. I mean, it's an accidental book, but I don't like these that were accidental when I'm talking about the things of God. So I'm going to say it's a providential book, but I really messed up and told something I wasn't supposed to tell, and I wasn't being indiscreet. I was just trying to rescue somebody, and so it backfired. I was trying to help somebody out, blah, blah, blah. It backfired, and she was so upset with me. I decided to go in a tongue fast myself. I'm going to put myself on a plan for 30 days, and I'm not going to say anything negative. Now, just try that, all right? So this was for you in the end? It was a personal project for me only. I appreciate that vulnerability, because a lot of people would say, yeah, I wrote it for a friend. No, I wrote it for me, and people kept, and I would put signs in my office at work that would say tongue fast. That means when you come in here, don't discuss anything negative. I want a tongue fast. If people started to be negative, I'd say I can't discuss that. And so somebody said, I believe God wants you to write a book. No, I believe God wants me to work on me. Okay, and this really is capturing that journey and what you did. Now, why are we so broadly? Why are we all so affected with tongue problems? I mean, it's so natural for us in our flesh to lash out, to say things we regret. Why? It is because we are human, and also because we're not created carbon copies of each other. And so we don't always know other people's sensitivities. You know, you may jokingly say something about my dark skin. You may not know that I am just like, oh, don't say that or whatever. You just never know what people's sensitivities are, and so you're bound to offend somebody. Yeah. So even though you're challenging us for 30 days, you started to say, you know, just try it for 24 hours. I want you to finish that challenge because I think you're going to say it's hard. I was going to say that at the end, but I'll say it now, because don't think you can do all 30 of these tongs that I've listed in the book. I have 30 negative uses of the tongs. So one for each day. Just try one a day or just try one a week. Yeah. Just for instance, if you have trouble telling the whole truth, you tend to tell half the truth. Just say this week I'm going to tell the whole truth and nothing but I'm not going to imply something that's not true. Here's an example. I tend to run late for things sometimes and I'll just come in. Now in LA, you know, I would rush in and go, traffic. Yeah, it's always a good excuse. I didn't say I was in traffic. I just said traffic. Half truth. My husband said, listen, the half truth is a whole lie. Wow, that's good. Yeah. And so you see subtle ways that we can like not tell the truth. And so we all have negative uses of the tongs. So I, when I started this project, I said, I'm going to look up every negative use of the tong I can find in the Bible. I'm going to find scriptures for them and then I'm going to put a challenge out there to refrain from it. So that's what I did. Yeah. And that's good. And we're going to cover some of those. One is the know it all tongue. Now the people that the know it all people just went, no, don't cover that one. We already have this one. Move on to the next. What is the know it all tongue? Where you just can't even receive from anybody else for every subject that comes up. You have the final word on it. Even if you're in Bible study and there's been a great lesson laid out and you'll say, but what we have to really remember above all is like, no, we don't. That's not above all. You even have the vocabulary for this. No, really. Oh, here's the funny thing when we're buying a car because I deliberately like to let people teach me things. I just think it makes them feel better. Even if you already know it. If you already know it. And see, that's a big challenge. That's hard to let. Especially for a man. Yeah. You want to be the teacher. I've been here. Yeah. Let me show you how to change that time. Sometimes when we're buying a car or something and they'll talk down to me because I'm the little woman. I think it's so funny because I am a CPA and they'll explain that, you know, with interest, you know, the payment has interest and principle. I think that is so funny. I have an MBA in finance. I can do an amortization schedule in my head and I'll say, okay, and I'll just act like it. They're telling me something. It's hard to bite your tongue in that case. Well, but if you choose to, because let me tell you why you want to do that is pride. You don't want anybody think you don't know something. It's this fear of appearing to be inadequate. So, you know, no, I'm adequate. I know that already. That's true. I think for men, it's hard to say I don't know if I could be blunt. It's hard to say that. And that is something we got to get over. And there are examples of it in the Bible. That should be the one, the 30 day challenge of saying I don't know. That's what I'm going to do. What about in marriage? How does this know it all tongue tend to play out in marriage? Well, I tell them what my marriage is. I tell them what my mentor told me when she said, when I was engaged to Darnell, and she was in a car with us one day, we were discussing something. And she said, okay, Missy, we know you're smart, but don't know everything. She said, let him know some things. And I'm thinking to myself, yeah, I plan to let him know some things. Starting right now. But I took that to heart. Let him know some things. You don't have to jump in there and say, I can do that. And so I'm pretty good at being vulnerable. It just helps. Yeah. But it's a maturity in Christ to be able to bite the tongue and say, okay, I don't have to straighten him out every time. You don't have to straighten anybody out. You don't have to tell somebody, I know that. Or, you know, you just don't have to do that. That's pride. And you got to tell the way it is. We're our teenagers though. You might want to straighten some of them out. Oh, yes, absolutely. Okay, now the argumentative tongue. Oh, boy. Oh, is this one hitting a little spot there? No, I grew up in a family that liked to argue. I have relatives that arguing is their norm. Okay, so let me ask that. So your family of origin, how you grow up, could shape some of these tongue maladies? Absolutely. You could become like that or you could become the complete opposite. I decided I didn't want to be argumentative because I just thought an argument should have a resolution. Right. Not just keep going in a circle because that's how my parents argued. And they just, I never saw them really resolve something and say, okay, from now on, this is how we're going to go forward. It would just become circular. They just go into the next level of an argument. And I just think when people do that is because I think they're maybe feeling insecure about what they do know. Why do you need to argue that? I have a brother who likes to argue the Bible. I don't argue the Bible. I just tell you what part I embrace, which is all of it. And if you choose not to, that's fine. That sounds pretty definitive. But it's true. And I can, you know, I can understand that. I think you can create an environment of arguing. Yes. And some people might even say that's a positive because you want to be able to stand on firm ground. You want to be able to defend your positions. And you should. You should be able to defend your faith, but you don't have to be mean about it. Well, that's true. Yeah. I totally believe that. Because I think that's what's wrong even in politics. I'm, you know, this last election just split a lot of relationships. Sure. I'm thinking I'm friends with everybody. I embrace everybody's right to believe what they want to believe. I don't, I don't, why do you have to believe the way I do? Yeah. But there's a certain intolerance in the growing intolerance and culture in this regard. It's both left and right. It is. And it's too bad. It's too bad. Yeah. Well, okay. That's a good place to put that argumentative tongue. What about again in marriage? Let me apply this here. When you have the spouse and I'm not going to say it's the wife or the husband, just the spouse who, who is just constantly picking a fight. What do you do? What if you're the receiver of that? What advice do you have for that spouse to say, honey, can you stop chewing me up? I'm not processing at your speed. I'm not, you're just killing me here. Well, well, I think you need to agree quickly with your adversary. Yeah. That's the Bible talks about, agree quickly with your adversary. So if my husband and I are in a discussion, I will say, I hear you. You see, I don't, I don't give any fuel to that. I'll say, I hear you. If he's putting forth a point and if I don't, I hear you does not mean I agree with you. It means I literally hear you. Right. But that helps. But it reduces the friction. It does because half the part of resolving an argument is for that person to feel like they've been heard and you're validating their point. So I hear you will do that. I hear you. And then I can say, we can just agree to disagree. That's what makes us so unique. We're different. There is, and I think generally when people say I hear you, they do hear you. There is the occasional time when the person being told I hear you knows you not listening. Well, you got to listen though. You got, you got, you listen with your eyes and your expressions. You listen and you nod your head. Yeah. You do. Deborah, the complaining tongue. I mean, again, these are societal problems right now. We seem to relish complaining. All of us. Yeah. It's contagious. And we got to be sensitive to it. That's why I call this a fast where you become kingly aware of your tendency to engage in these negative behaviors and complaining is so natural. I don't care. You can be in a market and everybody's here's, here's a good example in the bank, in the bank, oh, the line is long or whatever. And for people who still go to the bank, most of us do online. I was going to say, you go in the bank. I don't think I've been in the bank in years. You know, you know, like in years, you got to go there or, or I have to send. The lines are too long. I have to send money off of the relatives in distress. So you have to go to Walmart or something. And in that line, I hate it. But, you know, but the complain is like, oh, and I'm thinking you're standing here because you have access to resources. Do you know that half the world lives on less than $2 a day? So they have full cup. Right. So, but here's the deal. You got to become aware of your complaining. And I think that we could actually park on this and spend an hour talking about it because it is so easy. So I like to give people a challenge to go the next 24 hours. Don't express any displeasure with anything, not the traffic, not the weather, nothing that you can't do anything about. And in the scriptures, the Psalmist says, I poured out my complaint before the Lord. If the person you're complaining to can't do anything about it, stop talking. Yeah. All, here's one that's funny for us. I remember when I first started focus on the family, it was 1989. Wow. It was a long time ago. And I was on a training mission with another person and we were out and we went to a rental car counter to get the car and they had no cars. And it was just out of a comedy situation. And so the person who's training me from focus on the family was kind of upset with the agent saying, well, I reserved a car. Why wouldn't you have a car for me? And yeah, it was a little heated and you're going to get a car and the person finally brought all the information up on the screen and they said, oh, focus on the family. I love Dr. Dobbs and focus on the family. And this person went, oh, great. That's so wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. And that was a great lesson for me to bite my tongue, you know, when on an airline problem or a rental car problem, I'm trying to always behave myself because you never know when they're going to say, oh, I listened to you on the radio. Okay. Now, lest I sound like a walking Bible, let me tell you, this is what keeps me from complaining. Romans 828, all things are working together for my good. Now it may not look like it, but if I stop and tell myself that this delay is working for my good, this traffic is working for my good. God is protecting me. That's a hard one to believe. I do it. This traffic is working for my good. And I don't care if I get up there two miles later and see an accident. Well, that could have been me if that car hadn't cut in front of me and slowed me down. So we got to believe that. Yeah. That's a good way to look at things. Let's go to the self-absorbed tongue. I mean, that's tough to say with your tongue, but the self-absorbed tongue. What are you describing there? I'm describing a person who's always talking about himself. The me monster. They're not interested in you and what you're about and your dreams and hopes. They're just talking about all the wonderful things that happened to them. Oh, my book, 30 Days to Tame Your Tongue has sold a million copies and I'm in Denver doing six media interviews and I'm just me, me, me, me. Can I ask you though at the core of that is deep insecurity. Deep insecurity. So there's more stuff going on there. So how does the person, let's again go to the spouse, you're married to that person. You've noticed this, you obviously said yes, but how do you begin to say honey? Have you ever really just recorded what you're saying? Have you ever heard yourself and what you're saying? How do you go about helping each other grow? I would take the sandwich approach. You always say something positive. Then you give them the meat of the matter and you can say, listen, I just love it that God has blessed you in so many areas. He's just caused you to achieve in so many areas or so many great things are happening. Are you aware of the fact that other people may not be as blessed and it may not be very endearing to them to hear all about you like that. And so you might want to focus on other people, ask them questions and show them how to do it. And he's not self-absorbed, but as part of networking, he's learned how to ask people questions to be interested in others because you know they say that everybody's favorite subject is what? Themselves. So I like to focus on other people. I don't want to just focus on me and what I'm doing. I like to ask them questions. You know, tell them about your background. Where did you grow up? Yeah, and it's so people love to engage and talk about themselves. And we got to watch that so that we listen to it and be genuinely interested. Here's the greatest challenge on earth when you have children and especially again, I'll just go to the teen years. That's an important parenting tool. How to ask questions of your teenager rather than just and really thoughtful questions, not how did school go today? Because that's grunt. Yeah, good. Yeah. Even if you ask, who's your favorite teacher? Why? What do you like about her style? What teacher do you not like the most? What do you not like about that? And why not? And then don't be judgmental about it. Don't be judgmental. I'm just a teacher. You need to learn math. Yeah. Listen. It's fun. Two ears, one mouth. I'm just kidding. You also mentioned a moment ago the half truth tongue. I really appreciate all these wonderful tongue twisters that you give us. The half truth tongue. Elaborate on that a little bit more. I like that idea of... Of telling the whole truth. ...perveritation of what the scripture calls it. Well, we don't think we lie, do we? No, it's not a full lie. It's just a half lie. It's just a half lie. But as my husband said, a half truth is a whole lie. Yeah, embellishing. But I used to be the queen of that. I would just tell half the truth if I had to take off from work and take my mom to the doctor. I would have needed like four hours, but I would just take off the rest of the day because I'd say, oh, I had to take my mom to the doctor. Well, I did take my mom to the doctor. They take all day. Right. Do you think... I'm saying that because I think in the Christian community, we really pour ourselves into this one because we think we're getting away with it. But the Lord sees that and He doesn't want that. He wants us to be honest and straightforward. I guess the question then becomes, are we a culture that struggles with honest and straightforward? We struggle with the sin, period. And if we're not conscious of it, which is why I like for people to go on these 30-day periods of abstinence from certain things because it sensitizes you to where you are. And we all have areas of our tongue, especially that we could be less critical. We could be less a whole bunch of things. And so if we tend to tell half the truth, understand that it's just pleasing to God. And if you want to read a story just kind of like that with Anna Nysen and Sapphire, who sold their land in the book of Acts. And they said, because everybody else was selling land and donating it. It was such a culture there that everybody was sharing. And they say, yeah, we sold the hours, but they told a lie. They did sell it, but they lied about how much they sold it for. They kept back part of it. And God struck them dead. I think a lot of people that read they go, wow, that's pretty harsh. That's pretty harsh. But I think God was sending a precedent to say, listen, we're not going to tell a great thing. Don't mess with this. No, we need to tell the truth. Foundationally, we need to base the church on the truth. Back to what you were saying, though, about your own experiences. Why were you telling half truths about taking your mom to the doctor or something? Because I was trying to mislead people. Listen, any lie is an intent to deceive. Because I wanted them to think it took all day so I could go do something else. I don't want to say I took my mom to the doctor for three hours and I spent the other five shopping. Okay. This is a really tough one. Is it ever reasonable to just, you know, you have to tell the whole truth really every time you don't have to volunteer the whole truth. But if you always have to look at the intent of the heart, if you're even with the silence, if the intent is to deceive, meaning I want you to think something different than what the reality is, then you are lying. Yeah. And that's what it is. It is. See, if you just call a spade a spade, then you can just go in and be healed. Yeah. You can't be healed of things you conceal. You really can't. Now, in that context of encouragement, you know, it's so fun. It's almost like giving a birthday present when you can be an encourager. Yes. But again, just personally, that can be a struggle at times because you're feeling like we need reprimand, we need course correction, especially if you're in management, you're leading people, you have kids at home. There are times when you have to be helping them see the path. And giving them hope rather than punishment. Well, giving them hope, but sometimes it might be punishment. And an expectation, though, that I know you can do better than this. And there may have to be a punishment, but you don't leave it with just that. Well, and I just want people to make, and me, to hear from you that, you know, course correction is okay, God. That's truth. Absolutely. That's something that God wants us to do to encourage each other. And Paul writes about that to finish the race strongly, to rise up to the right standards. And whenever you can, encourage rather than criticize. And I think that is just so critical because it impacts other people's progress. When you read the story of Miriam in the Bible where they criticized Moses and then God struck her with leprosy, the whole place came to a standstill. They couldn't move. Nobody could move forward. And I say that's a lesson there because when you are critical like that, it really impedes other people's progress. And so one of the things we can do, and in the book I talk about the fact that not only should you refrain from these 30 negative uses, but find 30 ways to be more positive, encourage somebody to say, yes, you can do this. Let me tell you a story. I have a friend who lives, whose husband is very mean. And I called her one day and I said, I just want to tell you that your merchandise is good. I was studying Proverbs 31 and I said, she perceives that her merchandise is good. I want to let you know that you have good merchandise. And she said she kept that message on her phone for like forever almost. That's amazing. Because she wanted to hear that. Just that little bit of encouragement. What kind of trigger do you use? And I guess for temperament reasons, you have a more negative temperament to a more positive temperament. So the more positive person is going to come more naturally. So speak to both of that. What kind of trigger do you use to say, oops, I'm going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to say that negative thing I thought of. And you're doing this in milliseconds. Yes. I'm going to say something positive and encouraging. What trigger do you use to make sure you? Here's my trigger. The Holy Spirit will often tell you, don't say that. You know, it's like a caution light. He's like, okay, you need to stop talking. You're about to mess up. And then sometimes that I have to tell you, I don't always, sometimes I run the light. I violate it, especially if somebody's not doing a great job. And I hate this because I'm thinking that's not brain surgery. And I've actually said that, but I didn't know what a negative impact that had on somebody to one of my former employees. He lied about his qualifications and he couldn't do the job. And I looked at it one day and I said, that's not brain surgery. How hard is that? Well, that's like saying idiot. That's a cutting remark. Yeah, and I didn't realize that. But I could be right with you. But it wiped him out. I didn't know that. I'm thinking, well, you shouldn't have lied about the job. The least I'm going to do is give you a tongue lash and you shouldn't have lied about it. Now again, a lot of people are going to say that was reasonable, Deborah, while you've beaten yourself up. I know, but some people will say, so how do we need to interpret that it wasn't? Because there's a logic to that too. The tongue, the put down. And you say, everybody knows that. What are you saying? Except you idiot. Okay, so let's back the tape up. Let's back the tape up. Play that forward how it should have been done. And I said, okay, he didn't post the receivables right when I was working as a CFO at this place. And I said, now I, you know, I shouldn't have said how hard is that? I'm going to say, what aspect of this did you find confusing? Because I could use that as a teaching moment rather than a moment to beat him up. And you don't add this. It obviously confused you. Right. Right. Yeah. So what part of this do I need to, did I not make clear? That is so good. Part of you need more clarity. I could ask that question if I stopped, if I thought about it and prayed about it before I said it, but sometimes you're so frustrated when you're so goal oriented. And that's why when you are a high achiever, you have to watch your tongue more probably than anybody else. Well, and you think about that, the immediate response is, wouldn't this be a better world? But think of this, wouldn't it be a better church if we had these principles down? Talk about the retaliating tongue. Because that's one we need to cover here at the very end. Yes. Because it's so easy to fall into that spot. And especially in marriage. Yes. Retaliate means to return the punishment. So you're keeping score. Yeah, you're keeping score. And if he says something, I'm going to say something. Why do you need to return the punishment rather than seeking first to understand? So I will win, Deborah. No, in the end you lose everything. You lose because words never die. And that's what we have to remember. Words never die. They're going to last like, they're going to be like shrapnel in that person's brain. So you don't need to return the punishment. You need to seek first to understand. Why don't you turn that into an opportunity to say, could you explain more? What you mean by that? And even if it was mean, the person says something that was mean, you need to say, you know, your tone really hurt me. It's okay to be vulnerable and to say that those words really hurt me. And I really wish you would think about it next time. If you think about this, what's so good is this applies to every area of your life. Every area of your relationship. In your marriage, in your parenting, in your work relationships, in your friendships. I mean, this is a secret to living a blessed life. Absolutely. And words flame our relationships. So whether we had worked our words, you can encourage your boss and become one of his favorite people. Oh, you will. That's for sure. You will. Try it. It works. I've done this. My husband, the other day, I said, you know what I like about you? And he so used to be being positive for a reason. He said, oh, is this a setup that you'd ask me a question? There's a list coming, right? Saturday's list is on its way. I don't know about you. Fix the door. We're back to that, John. Fix the door. You can't escape it. Just call somebody. Right. Deborah, this has been so good. What's the end of that story? Well, I wasn't about to give him a list. I just heard about a guy who was not as sensitive to his wife's needs as mine. And I wanted to tell him that I was so appreciate the fact that he was. Good. But he thought I was setting him up to ask me something. Every man will. Because it was Saturday. But it was a true compliment. It was a true compliment. And he liked it later. But he said, oh, I thought that was a setup so that you could ask me to do something. What a fun conversation with Deborah Piguet on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And I'm sure if you're like me, there's been a little bit of conviction along with her message. You know, every time Deborah is with us, she brings such good biblical insight and wisdom and practicality and smiles. I mean, it's just beaming from her. That's why she's one of our most popular guests. And you know, here at Focus on the Family, we want to equip you in your faith walk so that you can be a better husband and wife, a better dad or mom. We're here with answers to those questions that you have and hopefully solutions to those struggles that you're in. We also have great resources available to you like Deborah's book, 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue. That's a pretty good transaction, don't you think? 30 Days and that tongue will come under better behavior. In fact, when you make a monthly pledge to the ministry of Focus on the Family today, of any amount, we'll send you a copy of Deborah's book as our way of saying thank you for joining the ministry. And if you can't commit to a monthly amount, we understand. If you can send a one-time gift, we'll do the same. Your continued prayer and financial support allows us to provide much needed help to individuals and families. And we couldn't do this ministry without you. We're in it together. Yeah, join us today. Donate and get your copy of 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue when you call 800, the letter A and the word family, 800-232-6459. Or check the show notes for the details. You know, John, before we wrap up, let me remind everybody, Focus on the Family has a beautiful campus right here in Colorado Springs. And as you're mapping out your summer vacation, let me invite you to stop by. We have a wonderful welcome center with Wits Inn Soda Shop, which is a great break for the summer. We also have a great place to house our big bookstore and even take a behind the scenes tour and learn more about Focus on the Family. Plus, kids, we have something called Kids Radio, and they can do a little CD with Adventures in Odyssey scripts in there, and we put their voices into that. It's a great little excursion. Yeah, years ago, I had a nephew do that, Jim, and he listened pretty much the whole 12-hour drive home to that CD of him in Odyssey. It's a great hit. And in addition to the CD, you're also going to get an MP3 of the audio. So Visit Us is the point, and give us a call if you have questions. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. And it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture, and more, while helping you share God's love with others. Listen at Refocus with JimDaly.com.