Okay. All right. I don't know where Mark. But... Oh, there's Mark. Are we ready, Mark? Heather, take it away. All right. Trailer over obnoxious pop music like an early 80s 2000s ad spot. MUSIC Welcome to the GYM, your favorite rundown fitness shithole. In this pilot episode, we follow neurotic girl boss Valerie and her rag tag employees as they attempt to film a commercial for the grand reopening of the GYM. Valerie grew up in this shitty local gym as her second home and purchased the failing establishment after the former owner was exposed as the Flamingo King in a scathing tell-all documentary. The FBI took the birds and Valerie spent her life savings to keep the place from being bulldozed. Can she restore the GYM to its former glory? So it lives up to her childhood's rose colored memories? Or will it pale in comparison to its sleek and modern competitor across the street? Solsters, to find out, come on down to the GYM and get a full ab workout laughing in the comfort of your own home. LAUGHTER All right. Ah! The GYM pilot, written by Danny Hanks. MUSIC Cold open, interior cycling studio day. Feet work fast on a stationary bike. Rock hard quads bulge through super tight biking shorts with the brand the GYM. Johnny, late 30s, a T-MOO version of Lance Armstrong cycles on a bike at the front of an indoor cycling studio. The thump thump thump of workout music pulses as lights... Oh, there we go. As lights dance over peeling paint, scratched mirrors, and a few scattered bikes labeled out of order. A voice speaks over the music. The GYM isn't just a place. Behind Johnny, Brian, 30s, I candy and he knows it, copies Johnny's movements to a T. It's THE place. It's a community. Chris, 20s, I candy and completely oblivious. Wobbles off beat. This guy skips leg day and it shows. A culture, a lifestyle, it's home. Kayla, mid 20s, just here for the gram, bikes at an even pace. She puffs her chest out. Her shirt reads, at Kayla Karma. Cut! Come on! Cut! Cut! Cut! Camera reveals a commercial crew packed in this tiny room. Valerie, mid 30s, type A, socially awkward and stuck in nostalgia land, glares at Kayla. Kayla, I told you, only hour close for the commercial. But it's my insta. Oh, my God. Valerie throws a T-shirt at her. It's vomit green and huge. Havel? Do we have any other shorts? Guys, look, this is all we have in stock, okay? So like Tim Gunn says, make it work. I don't like, um, Pax-to-man tight. Brian flaps his own butt and shimmies his cheeks. If I wear my handle, I can promote us without an ad disclaimer. Valerie concedes. Kayla tosses the giant shirt back to her. Okay, here we go. Grand reopening commercial. Take two. Action! Trainers reassemble on their bikes. Commercial crew rolls. Johnny begins the workout again. Valerie clears her throat and puts on her sales voice. The GYM isn't just a place. Johnny stands out of the saddle, leans on one handlebar, and pulls his shorts to a just luggage that's shifted in transit. A handlebar creaks under his body weight, then snaps. Johnny slams into the seat right on his balls. His testicles squish and twist. He groans and collapses in pain. Another one bites the dust. The bicycle, you guys. He'll be fine. End cold open. All right. Act one. Exterior GYM parking lot day. Only two buildings are left standing in this otherwise demolished strip mall. A tech repair shop and the GYM where two handymen are hanging a banner. Grand reopening. A board EMT and a gruff driver load Johnny into an ambulance. This used to be that bird place, right? They had like, what, ostrich yoga? Yeah, yeah, and paratolatties. Did you hear what happened to them? Yeah, it sucks. The birds were the only good thing about this dump. But hey, at least we got a new gym. The ambulance pulls away through the empty parking lot and passes a full parking lot across the street. This is Solstice with a barbell as the eye and a sign that reads grand opening. Valerie sighs. Brian, Kayla, Chris and Alexa. 20's not the brightest crayon in the box. Watch the ambulance drive away. For real, torsion is no joke. Is that what happened to, is that what happened to Neil Armstrong? The trumpet player? No, no, no, no, no. You're thinking of Neil Diamond. Okay, you guys, please circle up. Look, they said that Johnny's going to be out for two weeks. So I don't know. I guess I have to cover his classes and his clients. Wait, what about the commercial? I don't know. I don't know, Kayla. I mean, we can't cancel on our members. But the film crew is only here for today. So if I reschedule them, it's going to cost me an arm and a leg. An intesticle! Spirit of the land has helped me. This is the rain on my wedding day. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And we can help. Okay, okay. If we split Johnny's work between the three of us and keep the place running, you can focus on the commercial. And whenever we're free, we can be in it like you planned. Right, guys? Yuck! Yuck! I'm happy to be on camera if you need an extra. I'm a professionally trained actress. Kayla mouths along, professionally trained actress, then shoots a smirk at Brian. Valerie checks her clipboard. Okay, if we're really going to do this, Chris, you're going to teach spin class. Kayla, you take Johnny's clients. Brian, that leaves you with group fitness. But first, you're with me. Valerie leaves the brigade back inside. She snaps at one handyman, struggling with the grand reopening sign. Can we put that up any faster? We are losing customers. Interior Injury Way Day. Can you give me a little more of a snap on that? A little more attitude on the customer line. Yeah. Can we put that up any faster? We're losing customers. Interior Injury Way Day. Brian, Kayla, and Chris split off. Alexa heads toward the mailbox that Valerie beats her to it. Don't worry. I've got that. Thank you. Alexa proceeds to the front desk. Valerie flips through the mail. Invoice, urgent, overdue, notice of default. Failure to play will result in foreclosure. She hides the letters in her papers. Atop her clipboard is a Polaroid of young Valerie and her mother in front of the GYM. Valerie smiles at the memory. Breaking news. The camera zooms in on a TV above the front desk. A cocky newscaster narrates footage of an FBI raid on the GYM. Again? No. Okay, okay, okay. A cocky newscaster narrates footage of an FBI raid on the GYM. A redneck man is arrested with an ostrich on a leash. Nelson Withers, the Flamingo King, was sentenced to five years today after a former employee testified that his business was a money laundering scheme, portraying exotic pets. Withers was illegally housing and selling hundreds of birds, including a flock of penguins in the saltwater pool. Valerie stands between the camera and the TV to obscure view. Can we turn that off? I love snails. Interior front desk area same time. As Alexa crouched, slams into the underside of the desk. She pops up and rubs her head. Got it! Alexa turns off the TV, then crawls back under the desk with her iPhone charger. She traces wires through the power strip. Uh, wiffy. Computer. Printer? She unplugged one and plugs her phone in. It lights up. Hello? Alexa stands and hits her head with another smack. Shy Spin Client 30s Grimaces. Alexa plasters on a smile. Hi! Ow. Hello. Welcome to the gym. How can I help you? G-Y-M. G-Y-M. That's my bad. I know. Heather, reader back in from Alexa stands. Yup. Alexa stands and hits her head with another smack. Shy Spin Client 30s Grimaces. Alexa plasters on a smile. Hi! Ow. Hello. Welcome to the G-Y-M. How can I help you? I'm here for a spin class. I got the buy to get one free deal. I think I'm bike number five or seven. Alexa clicks on her point of service system, but only gets error. The system is down. I'm so sorry. My, uh, singy isn't loading. Uh, oh, here. Alexa pulls out a sheet of paper. If you put your name down, I'll check you in when the system's back up. Any bike should be fine. Shy Spin Client signs and wanders off. A tall man in a pinstripe suit, real estate vulture, approaches the desk with a briefcase and a shit eating grin. Hi. Welcome to the G-Y-M. Are you here for our spin class promotion? From across the room, Valerie sees real estate vulture lean in to talk to Alexa with a slick smile. Valerie charges over and shoes him out like a dog. Ah, ah, ah, this property is not for sale, buddy. Not last week, not today, not next week. So make like MJ, just beat it. Brian sees the exchange and rushes toward the front desk. Oh, Val! The point of service system isn't working. Oh my God, that's what they call the POS. Alexa doesn't get it. Valerie breaks down. Oh my God, I knew I should have upgraded that whole thing. Like, we're already behind schedule. Val, Val, Val, go, break, break, just scale back, scale back. Okay, right. Right, he says relax. Frankie says relax, relax. Don't do it when you want to get to it. I'm going to stop you right there because you set up with the film crew and I'm right behind you. Alexa's got this. Okay, call the service agent. No, no, no, no, no, she's got it. Valerie paces towards the wait area. Once she's gone. You got this, right? Alexa blinks at him. Hold on, don't, don't, don't run over the narration. Alexa blinks at him. She does not got this. Okay, how about you just call the IT guys next door? Why are we calling the IT guys? Kayla swoops in to hear the hot gas. Chris follows behind her. He speaks in broken English with a Finnish accent. I... He... The system is down. Brian pulls him into a huddle. All right, fam. Johnny's out. The system is out. This place is the Titanic. Okay? We're Leo. We got to keep Kate afloat. Oh, who are Kate and Leo? We just have to support Val. The GYM needs this commercial. Kayla, it'll promote your insta. Chris, you need this place to stay open for your visa. I hope being in the commercial would look great on my resume. Yeah, we'll see what we can do. And any issues come up, we handle them ourselves. Deal? Okay, go. Hands in. GYM on three. One. Brian lays his hand down. Alexa puts hers on top. Chris is confused. Kayla rolls her eyes and walks away. One, two, three. Brian! He rushes off. Chris leaves. Alexa is alone. Yeah! Well, GYM, GYM! Dang it! Read her in. Okay, he rushes off. Chris leaves. Alexa is alone. He won the envelope! Hey, hey, hey! Cameraman Sam, 20s, no nonsense. Taps Alexa on the shoulder. Alexa smiles and presents herself to the camera. Hey, excuse me. What is GYM stand for? It stands for something. Interior free weights area day. Valerie watches Brian flub push-up claps through a monitor. Brian, I'm going to be honest. I've only seen you land one of these drunk off your ass at a gay bar. Oh my God, this, I can't do this. I did like four in my interview for solstice. Um, GYM, it shall not be named. Oh, group fitness. Do we have a program written up? Yes, in the system. Alexa called the company number, right? Yeah. Interior front desk day. Wade, 30s, people pleaser. Shuffles in the door with the messenger bag and his shirt buttoned all the way to the top. Oh, no. Oh, no. Is it your Nemo? Yes. Ta-da-da, and we're good. Okay. Um, hi, I'm from Czech. Why don't we read, can we read a bit? You can read any of it. Interior front desk day. Wade, 30s, people pleaser. Shuffles in the door with the messenger bag and his shirt buttoned all the way to the top. I'm from Tech Warrior. Uh, next door. Thank God. The system is down. I can't log in. Nothing is loading. She turns the screen towards him and rapidly clicks refresh. Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, that's all right. That doesn't help. Could be an issue with the server. Do you know where the box is? Kayla spots Wade from across the room and hurries over. I'll show you. I'll show you. And son. Interior free weights area day. Brian queues for another push-up, but sees Kayla leading Wade into the server closet. Valerie turns to follow his gaze, but Brian fumbles a push-up. Valerie helps him up. You're going to break something. What's the matter with you? Kayla hurries Wade into the closet. Valerie none the wiser. A TV above Brian displays a local new spotlight. Thanks, Dan. That was the old and in was the new. luxury Jim Chey, solstice is opening a brand new location. Where's the remote for the thing? Anyone? Interior front desk day. White trash Spendiva 50s. Ripty chic. Structs past Alexa without stopping. You know me, sweetheart. Bike number one. Chris approaches the desk. Class food. Huh? How? We have 10 people. Only nine bikes working. Johnny broke one this morning. Shoot. Bike number one just got here. They share a look and run. Interior cycling studio day. Chris and Alexa around the corner just as white trash Spendiva notices shy spin client on bike one. Who the hell do you think you are? Shoot. Interior free weights area day. Brian finally lands a perfect clap push-up win. Bike number one since Richard Simmons was sweat into the oldies. White trash Spendiva chases shy spin client out the front door ruining Valerie's shot. Interior front desk day. Valerie confronts Alexa. Brian hot on her heels. What is going on? Brian grimaces and gives it a cut it out motion. She's just upset we didn't let her in off the way list. The class is full because of the promotion. Are you on something? A bright commercial blares on the TV above the front desk. Sleek aesthetics modern machines sexy fitness trainers. Solstice gym now near you want to get fit. Your first month is free. Valerie slaps the off button. All TVs are conspicuously off for the rest of the episode. Hey, can we get the TV commercial again? And while you do it, I'd like to get some, you know, reactions, you know, booze, hisses as that commercial plays. Okay. So we'll read it and you can do it right over the commercial. Solstice gym now near you want to get fit. I don't your first month is free. Is this the best this? Yeah. Valerie slaps the off button. All TVs are conspicuously off for the rest of the episode. End of act one. Yeah. Nice. Good job. Okay. Now pretend you're all listening the next week in your car.
