Coachella + Drunk College Stories

This one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you, looking at me. Bleep. Yeah, I go, not much. What the f*** was that? What the f*** you doing? You had a joke about pickles? What the f*** you doing up there, playing around? You shuffling around, looking at your notes. I went into my dorm at the SAE house. And two twin beds. And the guys said, no, I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird. I said, yeah, should we f***ing this one and sleeping this one? Or what should we do? What are you looking at? Do you know what you're looking at? Is it a rhetorical question? Yeah, this one guy said, what are you looking at? I go, I'm looking at you, looking at me, bitch. Yeah, I go, not much. I'm trying to figure it out. I go, move. And they go, make me. I go, I don't make trash. I burn it. Yeah. And if they start coming at me, I just will cut it out. And do this thing, cut it out. I go like this, not the face. Oh God, might be in show business in 20 years, I'm seven years old now. Saving my face for him. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ooh, wow. What a rowdy start we have. Whoa, going right at it. My little cavo cave. Your hair does look good. It's very fluffy. Yeah, I have a new person because it's closer by to where I live. It's sort of like a volcano shooting out like this. Ha ha ha ha. Well, it's fifties, it's fifties, it's alpha, never mind. I'll go back to the bangs later in the podcast. You might have to turn your mic down. Dana, can you turn your mic down? No, I'm just a little amped up, bitch. Yeah, hold on. Oh, sorry, I have energy. Sorry, I care about the podcast. Yeah, sorry, I forgot to phone it in. Oh, I just got another one. It says, Dana, can you turn your hair down? Ha ha ha ha. That I can't do. Okay. My sweater is green and everything looks black in this room, but this is green. Could you tell? Okay, so. I'm doing technical stuff. Give me a second. Talked literally a motion. I'll vamp. Talk to yourself right now. I will. So I woke up and I said this. So Greg, it's out of five. And then on the bottom, I can put it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right, I'll. I'll keep this stuff in because it makes us more human. Everyone thinks we're super geniuses. What's the difference between a genius and a super genius? You have five seconds. I'll tell you when you're in the super genius club. Can you find the base of an Isosceles triangle? You have two seconds. Ha ha ha ha. You have two seconds. I have to go find it somewhere. Why do you say can you? If you're a brainiac, you ought to be able to find the base of an Isosceles triangle. See the haircut and the glasses, it's a brand new me. It is. I think it feels like it's either an ode to Coachella or you are at Coachella. The idea of me. I'll do it with this guy. The very idea of going to the desert to watch 10,000 adolescent drugged out kids pee their pants and worship their God on the stage who's only playing YouTube videos is not my idea of fun. Did I get that right? See, I popped in there too. You know something. No, I love Coachella. I love crowds. I like to get into a big crowd of people. Yeah, you know, I like to pay $54 for a Tootsie roll. Yeah, I love it. It's out in the desert, Coachella. I mean, I like hiding behind a cactus because. I like pooping dirtcloths for the next two weeks. It's nice if you like wind and sand. Yeah, I'm one of those people that know it. An outhouse is a wonderful adventure. It's just like it's never really cleared out. It sort of adds on to itself and it's a very exciting. Actually, yeah. I always envy the people that do only fans have sex in the outhouse. I think there's probably better location scouting we can do. Is this only fans like only our fans or only anyone? No, only fans just porn. I got it because it could, you know. And the only fans used to be like girls getting like cheeky or naked. Now it's like, if you're not doing full porn, get off the site, get off. Yeah, you take your non porn site and get the hell out of here. With that all. Go, go just leave. Oh, I always have something else to tell you. I like, and I'll go back to Coachella, is that I like things that I could just tell you on a phone call, but we'll use the podcast. Someone told me they were doing sets up near you. And I go, are there any sets to do up by where day? I didn't say you. I came to the city, but I said up there and they go, oh yeah, there's a couple of rooms. I'm like, oh, Dana should go in there and do. Well, what are these college rooms? No, they're just little like clubs. They do a comedy night, but that'd be fun. You could go crush. Send me the info because I've got a lot of new material. I know you could go there. I saw Neil in last night. He's always in shape. He's always good. Nealyn was trying some stuff at the store. I went on after them. You don't try material at the store. I know. We were discussing that when you're playing an auditorium theater on the road where people are paying a lot, it's almost easier to throw in a new joke in the middle of two that work because you also want to try new stuff for them. Yeah, that's fine. But they're paying and they have babysitters and they're like, I don't want to give them any iffy-ness of a show. I want everything to work. And then the comedy store, all these famous comics are standing around and you're like, I don't know. They're going to watch me go, this is the garbage you're selling these days. I'm like, it's new material night. Oh, come on. It's 500 people. It's 60 bucks a ticket. You've got the biggest stars in the show business around. I'm going to try out this chunk about going to Sears Roebuck with my dad as a kid, five minutes of silence, and then you got to face full Bill Burr backstage. What the fuck was that? What the fuck? You had a joke about pickles? What the fuck you doing up there playing around with your shuffle around, looking at your notes? Did I tell you one time I had the hiccups on stage? I had the hiccups on stage after dinner and I had to go on, I'm like, oh shoot. And so I was in the OR, original room, smaller. And I'm like, anyway, I'm hicking up like this. And it's funny for about a minute and I can't really do my act because I can't really talk. It's so much. Yeah. I was like, of course, wanted to go to the hospital because I'm such a pussy. But then I finally go, yeah, I finally go, I can't just do my act because I'm, it's not funny anymore. Now it's like, just talk, dude. I'm like, so I go, hey, who's next? I'm sorry, I'm just going to bring up the next person. This is ridiculous. And then they go, someone yells, it's Bill Burr. I go, oh no, no, no, no, no. And I go, and then I hear what? I got five more minutes. They go, no, it's spayed once you up. I'm watching the hallway silent going. And then he comes, folks is headed and he goes, shut the fuck up, what's going on? And I go, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr, he comes up, he goes, you know, my fucking years. This guy's got the hiccups. I got to go on cause the guy's got the hiccups. I was like, the worst guy to follow. To just sit there and rip my mask off. Yeah, he could do 20 minutes. Hilarious, oh yeah. Hiccups, you know, who invented hiccups? You know, what you got to have a fucking name for everything? It just means your throat's kind of spasming. You got to go on. We need a name. What's your last name? Hiccup, that's one of my called these fucking things. Good night. No, I. He's like, do men really get hiccups? Thought that was for chicks. I had once in a while because I had chronic bronchitis when I was doing 10 hours a week of stand up. You know, I had a cough. So every time I coughed, I either shoot my leg out or just go, I'd let it spasm me and that helped me. In your act, you did it? Yeah, every time I coughed cause I couldn't suppress the cough. So I'm going anyway, well, isn't that special? I like how isn't that special as your go-to joke you're doing. Well, hey, the lady in her day was considered pretty cool. Oh, by the way, I know you like sports. I don't know much about the WNBA, but they had a giraffe recently and I walked by the TV. The first three picks were women. I was like, okay, good luck. I don't know what they're doing over there. I mean, I'm all for equality, but. What do you mean? I didn't get the joke. What do you mean? Well, whatever the WNBA is, they're picking women first. Yeah, right. Oh, it's the women's, oh, okay. It's the Women's National Basketball Association. That makes more sense. Good, I saved it. Early onset dementia comes up in different forms. No, that was my bit. Oh, that was the bit. I said, I don't really know much about it, but why are they picking women? Oh, okay, I lost the setup. So maybe I have early onset. Yeah, I know. I like seeing girls. This is why I don't do it in the comedy story. You know what? Because this is a podcast, you can try out anything because everyone knows clearly we're not prepared intentionally. Clearly, it so far hasn't worked for you and Heather, but other than that, I think it's got a lot of promise. Which one? My joke. Okay, well, all right. I don't know if I have. Let's go back to Coachella. I will say this. You heard Bieber played his laptop and played YouTube video of him. I think it was himself. See, and he just sat back and they all listened to it? Or what was it? Heather, they listened to Justin Bieber or he sang along with himself. Wait, did he ask the question again? No, he sang it at Coachella. Bieber had a laptop, he played YouTube, and then he would play himself, right? He played himself when he was younger though. Yeah, when he was younger. I think it's kind of cool. I kind of liked Bieber's lo-fi approach, but a lot of people didn't like it. But a lot of people did. Well, as a casual observer, I think when you deconstruct something and go that lo-fi when it's like 100,000 people in the desert, it's kind of a next level move to make it into a 10-seater in the valley. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, then you make people listen. Yeah. They have to be quiet. They're like, it's either that or you have big satanic ritual. I like that he kind of just kept it small. You know, anybody who's got, let's call them 300-tucked. Okay, if you have 300-tucked. Million. Yeah, and it's tucked. It's tight. It's after tax. It's a wall. It just informs your life. I've talked about this a lot. You've got the cliff notes, and it just makes you more your authentic self. Because he's not dancing for his donuts. He's not up there. Am I good? He's Justin fucking Bieber. And if you don't like it, you go fucking go to Palm Springs. Get the hell out of Coachella. I haven't performed in my boxers lately, but I'm thinking about it. You need cowboy boots. You need boxers. You need a hoodie over the top where they can't see your face, like a huge hoodie. And then you gotta take the best bits of my act and see what if you get to school. I go on a jockstrap and a sailor hat, and I do my best. Your dress is a four-year-old schoolgirl with a lollipop, and you have big braids. And you dain his act. Yeah, well, you know, I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of doing some stuff like that. If I could, I'm not doing characters. I haven't heard a thing about Sabrina Carpenter that you didn't know. Oh, oh, oh, Sabi, I love her. Oh, you probably know her from when you did buy, and did you see her out there? Yeah, I think she was on the show. You know, I went up and said, could I get an autograph? Hi, Dana. She goes, no, I know, I walked over to the city, you know, my uncle was a carpenter. Oh, that's a good picture. She said she was very sweet, really nice. Then she asked if she could get a picture with me. I said, hey, you got any money? I'm jealous, because I started the 50th. She was in the crowd, and I whipped over to do my joke in the audience. Didn't even look, couldn't care less. Didn't look at me. I walked by like this. I'm going to do a bit in about 25 seconds. She was like this. Anyway, she was at Coachella, and why is this a controversy? It's so nothing. Somebody, I take her side for being a performer. Someone is making noise, and she stops playing, goes, what is that noise? And they go, I'm yodeling. And so someone's yodeling, yodeling. Now yodeling can get loud. I don't know if you do it a lot, I don't know if you hear it a lot. I know all about yodeling. I know all about yodeling. I know all about that. I'm from, I was born in Yodel, Iowa. I was born in a town called Yodel. So, but look, it's either supportive or it's disruptive. Well, I'm telling you, even if it's supportive, it's like I don't bring my supportive air horn to shows. Like if someone's going, you go, okay. And then they yelled, it's a cultural thing. She goes, well, I don't love it during my shows or something. And then they, and they're like, she said, I don't like it? Yeah, she said. Yeah, she said. They have very casual shirts. Yeah. Which is fair. She's on the show, what's distracting you? And someone does it for attention. I'm sure it's, I'm sure part of their culture, but you know if you're making a lot of noise, it's not, there's a time and place. Yeah, so then they go, is she gonna get canceled? I'm like, let's quit throwing around canceled for whatever the fuck happens. She ruined her life for this. It's just making it so exciting. She could get canceled. Like they, When I was younger and naive, I'd go to shows and I would bring up a typewriter, a really loud old fashioned one. And I would just be doing that. And I couldn't believe that Stevie Wonder went, what's that? You know, so. You should know a lot of noises. Who's the Yodeling woman who's a singer and she can Yod- Oh, Jewel. Jewel. Yeah, so maybe it was Jewel. She's got a great voice. I don't think it was Jewel, but it's, you know, it's something like that Jewel would not do that to her. No, no. Yeah, Jewelry is her twin sister. She's nasty. It's all I got, man. I told you I don't have a script. You do not. I do not. I'm official. Official. Yeah. Is that, is that what you think's funny? To just make up things that aren't funny at all. Do you find that funny? Is not funny. Not funny, funny. Busboys, April, what, 21st? 17. April 17th, okay. I have a story for Pierce. Okay. All right, I'm here with David Spade and he's got a story for me. What do you have to say? I said, Pierce, did you hear this story is a little rough on the edge? I can't tell it all, but it's the Ruby Rose Katy Perry story. Well, I'd love to hear it. It's a little rough. I don't know if any can handle it. Oh, cool. Katy Perry. Katy Perry, of course. Started by making a comment about Bieber's performance. Bieber, yes. And Ruby Rose is beautiful actress that is in whatever, but I know her face. Yes. She says, oh, something the effect of who's listening to you after you, S.A.D. Me, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. Which means assault, right? Sexual assault, we can say it. So. Sexual assault. Yeah, and she goes, and it says remember when I was trying to hide from you, I was hugging this other woman, I was down, trying to hide when you walked in and you came over and are you ready for this Pierce? I'm all ears. And I'm pissed. Lead over, crouched over me, pulled your underpants to the side and then pushed your PJJ on my face. And I got up and projectile vomited. This is a fun story I read today in USA Today. So projectile vomiting and underwear moving about. I mean, is this. Moving about, yeah. Underwear out of place with projectile vomiting. Is that your idea of a fun story to start a podcast? Do you think people will like this? I know, I know, everyone just crashed into a tree. I almost did. I was like, I can't even hear this story. So I have to ruin someone else's day. Oh, someone's here who also listened to this story. I don't know if she'll comment or not, but. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. I like in full fog eyes mode. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. That was taken 30 years ago. She's ageless and energy of a, a, hey. Of a gladiator. What else you have? So that story's sickening. What else? That was great. Yeah, that's a real fun picture to paint. That was a good one. And then, so Coachella's done. Yeah, no. Did my WNBA joke that killed? What else? Oh, I, let me see. Oh, this, this will be on on like 20th? 9, 17, 8. Yeah, 8, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, so it's April 20th today. Okay. Good data. Like that meme with the woman with all the numbers of overhead. Yes, April 20th. It's funny. Mm. Wanna get in your calculator? Yes. So, what else did you do this weekend? That is of note and very important to talk about. Fed the horses? Okay, that's up there. I don't know if it's at the top, but it's up there. I watched the masters. Oh, right. Yeah, with Rory McElroy. Do you know what the difference between a hooker and Rory McElroy? And a rooster is. Hooker and a rooster? No. A rooster says cockadoodle do and a hooker says any cockle do. You know, we're gonna go to a commercial. Needle-y-peep-peep-bop-bop. What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Rory McElroy? Go ahead. One won the masters and one's in rehab in Switzerland. Boom! Is he in Switzerland? He gets to go to a good one. Of course! He took a... Of course! Wouldn't you wanna go to Switzerland? I mean, my God. Yeah, I mean, I'm neutral around the whole idea. Do you think that's performative? No. He does feel like I should go to a good one. I think Switzerland, it's a little quieter. He's in the mountains. He probably, they let him go up to the mountains and sing the hills are alive with the sound of music. I mean, it's cool. Oh yeah! Can you sing it? I wonder if he knows I mentioned him on Howard Stern. No, Howard mentioned him. I root for Tiger Woods, that's all I'm gonna say. I root for Tiger Woods. Tigers are really, really, really good friend of mine and you're a business acquaintance of mine. I guess I'm an actual fan of Tiger Woods and you were like, I guess he's a good golfer or what? I go, who is he? He's famous? Okay, I'll do it. Well, the other guy, the guy who got no attention in the 90s young golfer, great golfer called Rooster Branch. And Rooster Branch was as good as Tiger Woods. So I was going for... Is that a real one? Yeah, Rooster Branch. He always went under part. No, it's the play of his name. Tiger Woods Branch substitutes for Woods. I know, I figured out something. I don't know how I go Tiger to Rooster, it's two animals. It'd be more like leopard lumber. It almost took me back to the disgusting joke about you said about the hooker and the rooster. You've been dancing between PG-13 and R. I'm making it rough. That Katy Perry story is rough. She's probably back pedaling all the way back to Mars. She... Well, also, go ahead. What about Baldini? Lauren left a message for me. Oh, Lauren, Lauren Michaels. Baldini's lawyer, they threw out 10 of the 13 charges. I think that Lively and Reynolds have a really strong play in their back pocket. Otherwise, why would they go to trial? That's great, Lauren. When's your movie come out? We're going opposite bus boys, so I'm feeling like really, really good about it. Oh my God. I want to give a plug to Roommates. I was gonna go to that premiere last night, which is... Roommates. Sadie Sandler's movie on Netflix. Great. A good old school college comedy. She moves in with a roommate, and you get just pushed together, and I think there's friction. I'm not gonna give everything away, but it's a good comedy. We had Animal House, we had a lot of those. We did PCU in the old days. Did you ever live in a dorm and have a randomly assigned roommate? I stayed. Heather did? Heather raised her hand. I have a story. Oh, go ahead. You can tell your side. It's not that exotic, but it is weird. You get in the room, there's two twin beds. So I set up my stuff on one side and wait for the roommate. Guy comes in and, hey, I'm Paul. You know what's up? Okay, this is a tiny room. And so it's like, okay, time to go to sleep. So I get in my little single bed. He's over there, and then we're just chatting a little bit. The lights are out. So at the end, he goes, and so what do you say you do again? And I said, and I guess I was muffled in the pillow. I said, I'm a comedian. Okay, then we slept. Later on the next day, he said, so how long have you been a communist? He thought comedian muffled. He thought I said communist somehow. Isn't that fascinating? Should we take a break? We should take a break right now. Well, people laugh. Nothing can follow that. I went into my dorm at the SAE house and two twin beds, and the guys there. No, I said to the guy, he said, well, this is weird. I said, yeah, should we fucking this one and sleep in this one or what should we do? Oh, we laughed. Oh my God. My first roommate said, he stood up, there was blood trickling down the front and he had a machete and a knife. He goes, pick your poison. Oh no, and I'll kill you either way. So I called the dorm monitor and go, this is, I don't know if this is gonna work out. This is Dana in 5G. It was for Ducci Hall and it was boy girl 15 floors, do the math. Pew, doodoo doodoo doodoo. Dude, Manzanita was at the dorm right next to mine. And I think I told you this, I got a little, I got a little juiced. I had a few knocks at the SAE party. I walked this girl home. She goes, I said, I can drive you. Meanwhile, it's 200 yards. Meanwhile, I just wanna show her I have a car. It's a horrible old Volvo, big stick shift. So she's like, sure, I drive 100 feet out of the 200. I get pulled over. Boop, boop, boop. I don't need the dance mix. Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo. So I pull over, she's standing there. She was on the ASU calendar and I had no heat. This is just pure luck. I'm just driving her home. Just driving home 200 yards. So what is the problem? Problem is, you could drive drunk back then. I think it was one of the last years. I was drunk, but I get out. But you're going 200 yards, okay. I'm going to, I'm just basically in neutral. You're lightly buzzed. I've got a, I've had a few snorts. And anyway, the cop throws me in handcuffs. And I'm like this, I'll be over soon. I just have to deal with it. She's like later, this guy ruins it so bad. Takes me to jail. He goes, you have a warrant. And it's like on those TikTok videos, like, I go, you can't do this. I don't say that. I'm not smart enough. He just goes, you're going to jail. I go, for what? He goes, a warrant. I go, oh, I don't even ask what it's for. I just go, oh no. Then I get to jail and I'm like this. And I go, what, wait, what's my warrant for? What did I do? I don't do anything wrong. I'm perfect. And he goes, you have three unpaid speeding tickets. And he shows him to me and it's my brother, Andy, signed him. My brother had a warrant. So he said he was me. And then he just said, I don't know my ID, but this is my name and birthday. And then those built up, threw me in the clank, Mike Sternner, this comedian that I did open mics with came down and got me out for 200 bucks. So I stayed the night. I'm a hardcore dude. I don't think you get it. That was a good story. That was a really good twist. Well, my friend and I in front of a Verdeci Hall, we had a vault, so we were just drinking beer and driving. Not a lot of beer, but we get out in this pretend campus policemen's like, you guys are in trouble. First we were kind of like, okay, so we went to the dorm, the desk, and then I said, who's your supervisor? That'd be bubzy, I go, I'm gonna call him. So I call him, so I go, we're getting harassed here by, what is it, Dave? So we got off. But we weren't driving drunk. We just had a couple of beers. I know, that's where they all say. Don't do as we do, what does we say? You know what I mean? But your story's interesting. I hope Andy apologized. Not really, but yeah. That tricky little- Andy could not care less, I will say that. I can safely say that. Yes. Yeah. But he's cool. I talked to him two days ago. No, he was a young man too. He was the start of the school. Actually, he got me some heat there at the school because everyone liked him. So they were like, no, who are you? Okay, if you're, if anybody related to him, you're cool. God, I wish I went to the school. That's a good deal. But they kissed my ass when I was in a pledge. And the second I was active, they're like, get down, give me 20, take this toothbrush, wash out the shitter. I'm like, wait, what? I'm the guy you were just kissing his ass. Two minutes ago. Why am I in a flage? Like, yeah, now you're in, we tricked you. Now you're a pledge and you're a scrub. And we're gonna put paprika in your hair and tell you what to do all night and make you drink. I'm like, huh? Was that a drink? Was that a positive thing they were saying to you at the moment or a negative? Negative. It's negative. So why did you sign up for Phi Delta K? Didn't you see Animal House with John Belushi? I know, but they just tricked you as they say that you're the greatest guy in the world. And then they go, for starters, you're not the greatest guy in the world. I'm like, huh? I was so bamboozled, man. So you've changed a lot since you were 19. Cause anytime someone would talk to you, just go, huh? I know, I was so young and innocent and trusting. Where'd you get the snappy comedian from? Where you would be like, what? The snappy guy. This is you in a tuner called. Just from hiding, stuffing feelings down. Oh, Dan. All right, let's do some good stories. And we'll really get on this unless you have more riveting. You have anything? Not at all. I just think it's kind of interesting that Bernie Sanders is the king maker of the Democratic Party. And does he decide who's gonna run? He got Mamdini in and other people. He goes, he's his best friend. Go ahead, what is he gonna talk? I guess he should talk. The premise is funny. I don't have the fucking puppet near me. Where the fuck is he? Even the puppet's asleep. The millionaire. The puppet's 84 years old. It's made of cardboard from 1921. Yeah. The millionaire's in the billionaire's. The billionaire's on Bernie Sanders. I don't have a bit, I guess. I don't know. How about this? There's another straight. You know the straight or her moose? Now there's another straight, but it puts straight at the end. It's called Baba Al-Mandeb straight. And it's off the Red Sea. And it's nickname is the Gate of Tears. Yeah, I've been there. So later on when we do our buzzing around, I'm gonna do a little thing about that. We can do it right now. What? All right. Yeah, I wanna hear. I had an Airbnb at that Gate of Tears one time. It's not exciting. You just watch oil tankers go by. The Gate of Tears. Now you. Who is buzzing on? Oh no. Where's the segment? I gotta introduce it. You gotta introduce the segment. Damn. Scrambled, scrambled. Nope. Nope, not on my own once, not for one second. Okay, guess what? Uh-oh, it's that time again. It's time for buzzing around. Sponsored by Five Hour Energy for the wide variety of bold flavors to choose from. That's right. You get as much caffeine as a 12 ounce premium cup of coffee. But zero sugar, zero sugar crash. Find Five Hour Energy shots online at fivehourenergy.com or Amazon today. So I'm gonna give Dana. Okay. Well, I have a- I'll let Dana on his own. And he's gonna call this scenario. And we're gonna laugh. I had so much fun doing haunts or haunts and fronds last week. So this week, they're at a congressional hearing with Senator John Kennedy because they believe they have the capacity because over time all these closing of different straits in the Middle East will tax our Navy. But they claim, they will claim- Very serious. They will say something about that. Okay. With or without? You can do it with it. Now- You can be there if you want. Now haunts and fronds, you're here with, really aren't committee. I get that right. You have something to say. Are those your real names? Yeah, I'll be here to say something to you. I think you're gonna want to hear it. Well, I'm all ears. Did I fall off a tomato truck? You claim, you are claiming that you are personally able without any kind of ship or craft to close up the strait of Hermos. Did I get that right? He doesn't have glasses on. Yeah, the glasses don't have- Yeah, we could very easily close the strait of Hermos. Just how in the Lord's name do you propose to close the strait of Hermos? Yeah, listen to us. Hear us now and listen to us later very carefully. Carefully. What we would do is this. This is our process. First we're on land and we do a thousand squats. And the buttocks get so, so popped up. Our buttocks become huge, like giant, flashy boulders. And then Hans and Franz, what we do, he's Franz the Hans, what we do is with our giant, pumped up blood and gorge buttocks, the size of giant boulders. We kind of like King Neptune. We sit down in a strait of Hermos and displace the water and those ships could get past us. Oh my God, this is an outlandish plan. Yeah, did I, someone draw stupid on my forehead. You're proposing you would do 10,000 squats, muscularize and weaponize your buttocks, sit down in the ocean or the strait of Hermos and relieve the United States Navy of the burden of stopping that, clogging up that strait. Yeah, you're smarter than you look. Your buttocks is the size of Texas. We already told Pierce Morgan, he believed us. So your claim is that you can make your buttocks so large, you could block the strait of Hermos. Did I get that right? Yeah, yes, Pierce Morgan. Are you joking with me? You can't be serious that your buttocks could grow to that size simply by doing squats. You should try doing squats yourself. The problem with you and Senator John Kennedy is your buttocks are shriveled and tiny. Oh my God, shots fired. And deflated and you can't process a muscular buttock. They can't even process thinking about it. Cocky. Now, here we are. We don't believe word out of your mouth. Oh, I think it's partly absurd, but you're suggesting that your buttocks could get pumped up. Perhaps they could get as large as a cantaloupe or something like that. But it is partly absurd, right, Pierce? Yeah, I think it's really offensive. Your buttocks could never get that large. Wait a minute, turn on the TV. See what I'm TV now and the Hermos straits off. Oh my God. I don't know. He showed them, they showed them. I'm going to slowly go down because I don't know how to stop this. That's a good ending. And, whoa, that was a solid buzzing around in response to my five hour energy. Tasty caffeine flavors as Dana rests his voice, enjoy big flavor in a tiny bottle, five hour energy shots, pack the flavors of the seasoned portable two ounce shot. Five hour energy shots online at fivehourenergy.com where Amazon today. Do I know how to read? Could I? Geez, I know, this is the, yeah, I don't know if something happened. I think you're still- I like that scenario, by the way. You're recovering from the abstraction that they could pump their buttocks up so large they could clog an ocean straight. I think it's because of the boosters. Yeah, that's just what the buttocks, if we get our calves popped up too. Oh my God, that scenario was, I like that you came up with that seemingly fictitious scenario. Seemingly fictitious, you know. I did, you know, I mean, don't be afraid to buzz around. It's brought to you by whatever. I'm already ready. All right, let's go to some stories. I'm recovering, let's go to some stories. Here we are, 38 minutes. Yeah, let's pop some stories. Let's see if anything's worth talking about. Let's do it. Okay. Okay, oh, this is, you ever go skiing? Not really, but tobogganing. This is how scary it is to ski on a top amount. Every time this guy goes one inch closer, I go, never. Nope. Nope. Could not do it. Not fun. Let's see it. Let's see, check it out. By the way, don't ever tell me to wait for it on a video. I'll decide that part. So right there, I'd be like, you can still get out. No, get out, get out, get out. Nope, nope, bail. Deciding which cliff you're gonna ski down, cause you're so good. Is it easy for them? I mean, it's easy for these guys. No, I got a bad feeling about this. I know the sound of the skis are slot, which way, don't go left, that's harder. Okay, go where there's just snow and not rocks. Maybe that's a hot take, but. Right. Just go, be very, very careful. Okay, he's deciding. Oh, he's just walking. I didn't know I could do this. Now he's gonna give, okay, now here we go. Whoops, he caught a fucking rock. Oh boy. Okay. You're not falling. You are not falling in the snow, this whole. Wow, well that's straight down. That's like a slide. That's an awesome video. I assume he's okay. So I can. That's fine, man. I just can't believe that you got this footage of yourself. That's me screaming. I looked in, I was screaming. No, I thought it was you. Didn't you say you were going to Tahoe? That's me approaching the bunny hill. Yeah, that's it. Wow. That was a very interesting video. I don't think I would personally have screamed. I would have been saying, come on, yeah, more. Let's do this. Come on. I would have been going, wee. Cause it's basically a slide at that point. He's just going. But if you have any chance of catching a rock like that on your ski, if you're not perfectly unbelievably good, I always see the guy, you never see them fall. It's always like, deesh, deesh, deesh. And the guy's like, like immediately falls. I know, I guess, I mean, I don't know if I read this properly, but his nickname was catch rock. His friend's called him catch rock because he always is. Can he catch rock? Yeah, he's always. Hit it again. You know, this would catch a rock and, um, you know, you got to stay on the snow and not have the ski go toward a rock jutting. You know what happens? You go like this and you catch one little thing and it pulls it that way. And then your weight goes over here. And then you're like, Guten Nacht, German. And then good, deesh, good, deesh, deesh. Skis fly yard sale. Get a toboggan. Obviously that's not that guy's sport. Get a toboggan, carry it up at his house. The bunny hill. And then get the toboggan and go, woo, and have a party. But that's not. Okay. Next one. We all want, we all learn a valuable lesson. Yes. Did we? Did we? He did. Okay. This is a robot. Let's see what it is. Yeah, maybe you wrote this would scare me. Shit. Oh, that's. Is that a girl or a robot? I bet a girl could do that. Terrifying. It's a robot. So it is a robot. My brother Brian would do that. He would love this. It does look kind of real. What if that was like trick or treat and then they did that? Well, that's why, you know, you just want to make a horror film with an iPhone and you have that toy. Dude, that would sell it. And you just put sound underneath it. Fantastic. I also like the laugh of the guy, how much joy he got. Bought it on Amazon and press play. And it worked. And you know what? You're right. You could make, you could sell a movie from a trailer if you just do that scary, put some noise behind it, some eerie music and then she drops down. Yeah. And just go. It could be the next Megan movie. Witchcraft. Let me ask you a question. So that figure is there. You're at your house at night. You see it in the doorway. What is the scariest way it could walk to you if it wasn't that? Because that's right up there. It's the scariest. What else? It's in the doorway. Bending over backwards and walking with a. Like broken bones. They go backwards. Yeah. Hair and face. Oily hair. It's never it's never like in barrettes or anything. It's just. I don't know why it really scared me if it was at night and it just crossed over its feet and just went like that. Yeah. Coming right at you. That would terrify me. Well, if they're snapping, I wouldn't. I'd like that. Well, one foot goes over the other. Maybe if they turned their skin inside out, I wouldn't like it. Yeah. Or if they went like this and went. Oh, yeah. And it was you. And it was you. I would be so scared. Hey, buddy. That's that's like the third mission impossible they do that. Hey, buddy. That's what the scary guys. That's you as the scary guy. OK, next one. We can always do another buzzing around. No, no, no. I have no idea. What does that say? Can you read it? If. If warm enough for scorpion season in Arizona yet. I'm from Arizona and I've seen so many scorpions. Hmm. Oh, tiny Tim. Are those all scorpions? Yes. Sickening. Heather, will you crawl in there for $100? Whoa. Cancel my trip to Arizona. That's the guy flying out. Ha ha ha. I don't even know. flying out. I didn't even get that. By the way, this is just a story without a picture, but the reboot of Malcon in the middle, they're having a non-binary character. Oh, and the new one with the, we interviewed Brian Cranston. Yeah, did he talk about that? No, but I know that one kid that played Little Joder in the movie is not doing it. I think he's going to Harvard now, they said. Brian told us this, that he's not going to the reboot, he's the only one. So maybe they were replacing that character with a new character. But they're doing certain things on Pucklips now, if you order it online and stuff that Brando's character is not Colonel Kurtz, it's now they them. They updated it? Yeah. Okay, well, that's a big tweak, but. My name is they them. I know I was shocked they would do that. I'm not gonna say them. Yeah, Colonel Kurtz. They redubbed it too. My name is, yeah, they just dubbed it and it's just, I guess it's blowing up. Do you remember when he drops the orange in the Godfather? At the end. Oh, at the end, yeah. He's like in the, in the kids playing with him. Oh, he's got the funny teeth in, and the kid starts crying, and then he does this sort of ballet fall off the atrium. You know, Copeland had no idea what he was gonna do. He's like, just somehow croak. And he's like, I got some ideas. I'd say at least twice a year, my wife and I watched Godfather one and two. Those are pretty good. They're pretty, pretty good. Remember when I sent you that video, which is kind of cool? I see him now all the time now they pop up. It just starts right at the Academy Awards, random year, someone like Terry Gar and Gene Hackman going and now best supporting actress. And they read them all, and they're all unbelievable movies with great performances. I'm like, wow, wow. And then the next year, the next one clicked down. It was like best actor two years later and Donald Sutherland. It's so cool to see what they look like. The movies they were in, how great, how much I was in the movies then. Like all the present's men was in there. Godfather, all these cool movies, Sibyl, not Sibyl, but Alien was in there. I mean, just, yeah. There's a lot of people. Like I think Jessica Lang and Tutsi. I was watching, who's gonna win? Supporting. And it was Terry Gar and Tutsi was one of them. I go, it's gotta be Terry Gar, she was so tragic. And then Jessica Lang was supporting. She was like the star. And she won. She was so unreal and so hot. That is a great, what they call a screwball comedy. To pull that off the way they did was amazing. Anyway, let's have Dustin Hoffman on. Not at all, Jaws, I like all these. I mean, I love movies. I'm always looking for a great movie. I'm looking for another master and commander. I'm looking for another out of Africa. In the skies. It's just these big, cool historical epics or looking for another butch cast. Are you looking forward to Nolan's movie? What's it called? Christopher Nolan. I'm always gonna see a movie of his. What's unique about him is Tarantino's brilliant, but he does stay in a certain lane that he's great. Nolan does spaceship. Now he's doing Ulysses, I guess. Yeah, that's what it is. I think Matt Damon's gonna have sandals and a beard. But it's Christopher Nolan, so you have to go see it. He's right up there. I agree. Okay, next. Odyssey, what did I say, Greg? You said Ulysses. Oh, Ulysses, okay, sorry. Sorry, my, my mistake. Go ahead, here we go. Roe builds and tests a homemade laser. My camera is only weakly sensitive to this laser's wavelength, yet it still managed to unveil the actual beast at hand. Unveil. Even without careful focusing, the laser can easily set fire to my fence about 70 meters in the distance. Really? After the fog lifted, I switched back to filming invisible light in a camera. Invisible. Which means the laser's back to being invisible the way it is in real life. Look at that, how easy to start. You're not gonna lie. This feels like the kind of thing that they make new laws about. That's funny, it says. So glad he's not lying. He's not a liar. You believe me. Every day the urge is there to light that thing on fire. However, it wouldn't exactly be very responsible of me. It's not like this thing on fire instead. Look at that. Because honestly, No way. When you look at Maui and these places, you get turned it off. You get turned it off. It's like an invisible laser. It's like an invisible laser. To actually ignite the gas. I decided to give it another try. To keep the laser firing at the leaking. Stop, he's having too much fun. Does the United States military have invisible lasers from this guy? I'm sure. That's what I'm saying is like, if there's these fires that start and you go, I don't know how, I don't know how it started. Was there a arson? It's like, you could fucking pop that from a mile away. Miles away. And be like, oh. I think we need more perimeter security. Yeah. We have people building bunkers more. They're not building little Wonder Bread houses or little Cabinie house. They're building concrete bunkers. Yeah. I'm gonna laser proof my trees in my houses. I will laser proof your head in in a minute. Please. That's what a bully says. That's not my dad would say. No, he had. Laser proof your head in in a minute. No, he'd say, you better fist proof your face. And you're like, oh, we sort of switched it all around. Or he'd say not shaving for a week. Time for the whiskers. Rrr, isn't it fun? Oh, and he'd grind them on your side. Yeah, I get on top of you. Rrr, rrr, rrr. Oh. But not enough about the fun times. Yeah. All right, one more. One more. Well, I got a million things going. Yes, you do. I don't. Yes, you do. Okay, good spin on the hammer. I'll give him that. Okay. Fascinating. Two. You can do this on your farm, man. Oh yeah. I did this morning. Okay, three nails in a row. Then he's going to. Whoa. Okay. No wonder he had a weird haircut. Yeah, I don't love it. Yeah, look. That's hard to do with a hammer. Yeah. He's gonna slam them all down. I mean, he better. Or pull them out. Oh. Ha ha ha. Is that it? Oh, he got the middle one. I guess that is really hard. That guy should be in a kung fu movie. Okay, let's just throw a. Throw a snap. Because he's doing the jacket and all the sound and stuff. You know. His goofy hair. I can do kind of the same with my puppets. Don't. Why are you doing me like that? I like that. All right. Hey, you know, by the way, that was actually a funny thing to say. I'm going back down to the pile of cardboard people. Oh, let them go down easily. Gently. Gently. All right. Well, I'm gonna let you go, Danny. You got your hair. You better go show it around town. Well, I'm gonna puff it up a little more. I got a little thing in the back comes around. That's a good puff noise. I'm so. You were amazing today. You were amazing, Dana. You got through my R rated story. Don't put them right on the mic. People get mad. Oh, really? I went through the comments. People tell me spade enough of your jokes that are too loud. I like it. People laugh today. They were a lot of laughs. There's a lot of laughs. I think Hans and Franz doing a 10,000 squats and enlarging there. But I enjoyed that. God, we gave them a full show. 55 minutes too much. Too much of a good thing. I know. They'll just watch the clips. They won't even click on. But please click on. All right, I'm leaving, Dana. Smash that subscriber. Yeah, smash the shit out of that. Like, comment, share, take pictures of it, whatever you gotta do. All right. Okay, bye. Peace. Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us review, five star rating, and maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly On The Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive producer by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung-Kaiser and Leah Rhys-Denton. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetek, booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. We've got a lot of questions. If you're asked and answered on the show, you can email us at flyonthewallatodyssey.com. That's a-u-d-a-c-y dot com.