From Breakdown to Breakthrough: Maurice Benard on Mental Illness and Healing

I've never heard anybody's knees under a table like this. Because she was so scared. I said, Mom, I'm getting out. She goes, I gotta talk to the dogs. I got the doctor right here. And I said to the dude, just say what I tell you to say. So here's the doctor, Mom. She goes, Who's this? Doctor. Whatever the name. She goes, My son says you're letting him get up. Yeah, she could get up. I'm on them by a second. Call the real doctor. We want to extend a heartfelt thank you to our listeners. Because of your incredible support, we're out of time has reached number one on Apple's Mental Health Podcast chart, number two on the Health and Fitness chart, and number 26 overall. We couldn't have done this without you. Thank you for being part of this journey with us. Today I'm joined by Emmy Award-winning actor and mental health advocate, Marie Spernard, best known for his three-decade run as Sunny Carinthos. On ABC's General Hospital, Marie Spernard has been open about living with bipolar disorder and helping others through his show state of mind. We're talking about mental health, resilience, what's next for him, and yes, a little bit of General Hospital too. Hey, dude, Marie Spernard. Don't agree, man. Good idea. Before we get started, I've got to tell on myself. All right. When I was a kid, without an alarm, my body knew it time to wake up. I would wake up at 158 sharp. Go to the bathroom and be back in bed for, General Hospital. And it occurred to me as I was thinking about you on the way over here. You're on the Mount Rushmore of Soapstars. It's you, Luke and Laura, Susan Lucci, and that's it. That is my Mount Rushmore. Well, yeah, I put Eric Braiden on that too. There's only four people in Mount Rushmore. Oh, you'd have to put him over here on the side. Yeah, I mean, it's been an incredible run. I can't been on 32 years. But you're only supposed to be on for like a couple of weeks. Yeah, what happened was I was supposed to be on, it was supposed to be a six-month contract, then we kind of made a deal for a year. I thought I'd come in, kick ass, and get the hell out. But I actually started loving it. But the problem was early on when I first started, the first three weeks I had my third nervous breakdown, manic episode. Quit the show. Told my wife, took my shoes off, my socks off, and said, I'm going to be a preacher. I'm going to go around town and preach. And one thing, after another, one night I drank a bottle of red wine and threatened to kill her. And it wasn't... I knew that I was going through this my third breakdown. So, maybe not at that moment I knew I was actually drunk and just wanted to scare. I've never heard anybody's knees under a table like this. It was... Because she was so scared. She called my psychiatrist, and she said, I think he's going through another nervous breakdown. So he goes, put him on the phone, and she goes, okay, and put me on the phone with my psychiatrist, and I'm like, hey, Chuck, what's going on? How you doing? I get up the phone, he calls Paul, and he says he's going through a breakdown. She says, how do you know? Because he's never called me Chuck. And sure enough, it was hell. Why do you know why you had that nervous breakdown? Yeah. Because I was off my medication for like two months. I mean, two years. Why were you off your medication? Because I'd come to LA, I got a big job right away playing Dizzy Ernness. What's the matter, honey? You know, I like that. And I thought, you know, let's move into this lavish place. It's house, and I just didn't take my medication. Every time I've stopped taking my medication, I have a breakdown. You're on medication now. 32 years straight. No breakdown. No breakdown. On my two years. Lithium. Save, it's on the cover of my book. Love and Lithium saved my life. And it really did. Good for you, man. Yeah. All right, let's start out. So no, that was great. That was great. I was going to start off with, you know, who's sleeping with who on the show. That's what I really wanted to do. Yeah, and I don't even know it to be honest. Yeah, that's okay. You were diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 22. Now back then, okay. I didn't even know that that was a thing. Yeah. Okay. Me too. They actually diagnosed you as bipolar. What, five, 45 years ago or so? Yeah, but, you know, when they put me in a mental institution at 21, and I had my 22nd birthday in there, which is the timing of it. Right? Right. I mean, here I am with bars on the on the windows and people yelling at night, and that's my birthday. They could not tell me what I had. For I was there in there for two and a half weeks. So it took about two months to diagnose me. They said, is he an alcoholic? No, he doesn't drink. Is he a drug addict? No, then we don't really know what it is. And finally, a friend of mine, my psychiatrist, Dr. Nunean, told Paula that he's never called me Chuck. I walk in and I was devastated, man. I was just, and he listened to me. And at the end, he said, you're manic depressive. So what is that? It's a chemical imbalance. And I'm going to put you on lithium. You're going to be fine. Now, when I asked him a couple of years ago, how was I? That he goes, you were, it was really horrible. The amount of medication they had you on. Right. But it took two months. That's all these psych hospitals are the same. I guess. You walk out of there and you're on it. And you've got so many drugs. It's just, it's too much. But Richard, now they would tell you right away. You're better, you're better, you're better. That's right. That's why I said, 45 years ago, it's like they didn't know. That's why you were there for a couple of months. Right. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's tough. They put you in a seclusion room. I don't think they do it anymore. Where they tie you down. When you're a bad boy, when you're a bad boy means, you don't want to take your medication or I jumped on the counter. These big dudes come in, put me in a seclusion room. Probably smaller than this, but, you know, with a window and a bed. And then they tie you from your wrist, waist and your ankles. And, you know, my mom, dad came in and look at me like, what is happening to my son? That's heartbreaking. Yeah. Okay. What was the turning point when you decided to start sharing your mental health condition? Well, you know, I, about a year or more, a year and a half when I escaped from the hospital. No, no, no, get back to that. Oh, escaping? Yeah. Oh, that's the good part. Yeah. All I wanted to do is leave every second of the day. There was this little story I don't think I've ever told. It's not a big deal, but it was to me at the time. I wanted to, I would go into a room. And there was a radio in there. And I locked the door because you're not supposed to go in the room. Locked the door. And I swear to you, man, Phil Collins songs would come on like the timing of it. And one song was one more night. Just give me one. And I would, because I was messed up, I would be like, God, give me one more chance. And that's the stuff that was happening in there. But when I escaped, I remember it was, I want to hear about the jail break. I need to hear about the jail break. Well, I would always try to get out of like one time. I call my mom, so I'm getting out. That's hysterical. And she got, I mean, they didn't know it. Right. And she go Mauricio. I said, Mom, I'm getting out. She goes, I got to talk to the dogs. I got the doctor right here. It was this big dude with blood all over his lips. And I said to the dude, I said, listen, just, just say what I tell you to say. So here's the doctor, my, hey, come in. Hello. She goes, who's this doctor? Whatever the name. She goes, my son says you're letting him get up. Yes, he can get up. I'm on them by for a second called the real doctor. He's like, no, that's not right. So they were going to let me out for my first walk. Okay. So I started planning. I said, okay, tomorrow. But I had hard shoes. It's no way I could. And I, you know, I lost 30 pounds. So I went in the way in 160 and I got to 129. It's horrible. So I said, okay, so I went up to a patient. I said, hey, those tennis shoes. Can I, can I borrow? No. Can I pick, no, I said, you see a sledge racket? It's like $300. If I give you this little jack, if we give him your tennis shoe, he goes, I don't know. I go, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. He goes, okay, gave me the tennis shoes. Next day, a nurse man and a nurse walked me out. I remember, man, like a movie. It was one door, then another door, and then the outside. Get to the outside. I'm lingering. And they're talking. And they start laughing and I run. And I ran like there's no tomorrow. And I'm running. And I'm running. And then I hear sirens. Cops. So then I, I go into this, like, real estate place. I had no money. I said, hi, I'm sorry. Is there any way I could use your phone? So I call my two friends. I said, I'm out. Pick me up here. Problem was, I'm out front. They drive by. They don't see me. And they keep going. And it's a long ass ways to turn around. So then I have to now run down to the end of the street into a denny's and I had to borrow 25 cents to call. Right. First time, and now we talked about the homeless. And this has, this is nothing like that. But the first time I felt, excuse me, can I, can I have 25 cents, you know? Right. It's humbling. Yeah, yes. And embarrassing. And embarrassing. So I get to the phone, call my buddies. They pick me up. We eat pizza, go home. And then I'm, the doctor said, if he wants to stay home that bad, he doesn't have to come back. So I stayed there. Good for you. Yeah, but eight months of depression after that was horrific. That's why you give homeless people money, folks, because it is embarrassing and dehumanizing. Yes. So give them the money. Okay. It drives me nuts when people aren't of service to others in need like that. I see somebody in need. I don't even have to think about it. It's just muscle memory. I know. Yeah. You know, aggravating. What do you think the biggest misconception people have about living with bipolar disorder? I think, I think if you don't know anything about it, and you're living with someone who has bipolar, I mean, if you're not living with somebody who has bipolar, I think, I think any mental illness, a lot of people don't think it's a big deal. Right. They kind of, I think with me, they do, because they've I got a book, I got this, they've seen me talk. I'm very open like you are. So they're like, okay, but sometimes even with me, when I'm talking about things, I feel like they're thinking, thinking what? Just go take a nap. Who gives a shit with me, I think. See, that's where we, I do, you know, I'm working hard. I'm not caring what people think. You don't have that. Oh, I've never had that. Thank God. Yeah. That's a big deal. Yeah, I was told I was going to get cancelled here. I was like, good luck. Wow. Yeah. Don't be afraid. I know, I know. I'm afraid to tell anybody anything. I get it. Nobody's important enough to lie to. Yeah. But I think with mental illness, when I go through panic attacks or whatever I go through, my whole head is worrying what everybody's going to think. Really? Yeah. Why? It's just the way it's the way I'm built. Bro, you're perfect just the way you are. I know. Anybody who tells you differently, you tell them Richard Tate says, go, you're all, you can't get it out of here. It's, you know, it's almost like, it's like, you know what it's like. What? It's like, what are the neighbors going to think? Exactly. But that's kind of the way I was brought up. Me too. Well, you get out of there with my grandmother. Well, I told her at a very young age that I don't care with the neighbors thinking, but I love you. I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. Okay. Now, can I have my eggies the way I come? That's how I handle that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's a really, I'm much better because I have, I look in the mirror and go, this is killing me. Explain the part about your upbringing. Well, the upbringing is very simple. You shouldn't be weak. You shouldn't show any vulnerability. When you're Hispanic, my father from Nicaragua, my mother from from since I was out. And you, you care what people think enormously. Right. And it's, it's not, it shouldn't be that way at all, but it is that way. What happens is because of the way I was brought up, and then they love me to death and I, my dad, everything was great in that way. There's other things that happened that we, you know, whatever. But we have to pay for what they did. So I'm paying for this care what people think. I look at you like that's what I, that's what I want. Now, don't get me wrong. The, the last I have, you know, sometimes, you know, you wake up and there's days where I don't give a shit. Right. And sometimes it's been about a couple weeks now. Right. Or I don't give a shit, right? This morning I got up in a tan I did. But in the past, oh, fucking times. Yeah. Just, just to be completely transparent, the only reason I don't care about what other people think is because I hold myself to a higher standard than what anybody else would hold me to. So it doesn't, it's perfectionism. Yeah. Right. So that's what I'm constantly striving for. Not good for your happiness, but excellent for your upward mobility. And, you know, that's just, you trade off that I, that I, that's the contract I made with myself a long time ago. That's, that's incredible. Yeah. I'm lucky. When you were at your lowest point, yeah. Who helped you to get out of it? Was there anyone? Yes. My mother and father, on my first major breakdown when I was in the mental institution. They were there. Although, they, it's not their fault, but they went to work from seven in the morning until four or five o'clock. And I was alone when I was out of the hospital going through that depression for like eight months. Right. I would get up and curse God. I would roll a lot of bed. I couldn't, nothing felt good. Only thing that felt good to me was sleeping and dreaming that I felt good. Because in my dreams, it would be beautiful. And then I'd wake up. And I'd have to deal with reality. Wake up and be pissed off. Yeah. Well, more even more. I was, you know, there was bad thoughts. Let's just put it that way for a long time. So then it was my wife who I had met when she was 16. She's helped me through, through it all. And lately, the last thing that I went through, a couple of things that I went through was my son. What happened with your son? I was in the car once. I was probably at the worst. And he gets in the car and he says, what's wrong, Dad? I'm crying. I said, I don't think I'm going to make it, buddy. Not this time. He goes, yes, you are, Dad. I said, I don't, I don't think I can. He goes, yes, you can, because I'm going to get you through. And he did. It was, it's been amazing. What's his name? Joshua. Joshua's beautiful boy. Oh, he's the greatest. And now he's a musician and an actor and he's, he's got these things are going for him. Good for him in music, especially. You're really lucky. You had that kid around because parents that killed themselves have children that killed themselves. Yes. And I'll tell you another thing. You know, I had, can you imagine people that don't have anybody? Yeah, right. Yeah, they usually come here to me. Yeah. I would have come to you in my last one. I would have taken you. I'm sorry, you struggled with me. Thank you. What would you say to your younger self if you could today? I would say exactly what we've already talked about, which is don't care about what people think. You got to get better at it. Yeah, I think that's a big fricking deal that we don't discuss. And it doesn't mean to be less empathetic. No, no, no, no. No, it's not what it means. No, I'm extremely compassionate, very sensitive, vulnerability. It's not that it's, it's what thinking, what somebody's thinking of you, what it does to your mind and what it does to you as a person. You got to get rid of it. Well, the worst part about it is they're not even thinking that 90% by your side. Exactly. Exactly. They're looking at you. Right. Going, wow, that's a handsome man and thinking, what's this guy looking at? Exactly. Right. You created state of mind, your podcast, so that people could talk openly and freely on your platform. What made you start it? I had fallen asleep and when I woke up, I had anxiety. And I said, I'm going to film myself so I can show the people what it's about. As I was doing that, this is, this is no lie. And I just did family feud. You did family feud? Yeah, about two months ago. Not a bitch. Hold on one second. I want to do family feud. You should sit. And I want to sit in the middle square. Is that the middle square? No, that's a, what is it? Family feud with Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey? No, it's the guy that kisses everybody that makes out with everybody. That's the old guy. What's his name? Richard Dawson. God, I loved Richard. Remember? Go on. So, you know, it's like, I hear Steve Harvey say on TV. We're like talking to him in the morning. I can't believe these celebrities who film them. On their lowest moment. And I'm like, I just, I actually laughed even though I was feeling not good. And the next morning, I, my friend, I told my friend, she goes, why don't you film? Why don't you do state of mind, not state of mind. Why don't you talk about mental health on the phone? And I said, who cares? Who's going to care? She goes, just, just do it. I said, oh, when do I put it out? She goes, suddenly, I said, nobody watches on Sunday. So, what I started doing is, I was promoting my book at the same time. And I was creating this show on, on the phone, in the car, on Instagram story. Nobody talks for eight minutes on Instagram story. It's like real quick, right? I did it. And I started getting people 10,000, 20,000. And I saw it grow. And then I went through hell during the pandemic. But I still went out every Sunday in talk on the phone, not even the people on the phone. And did it. And then from that went to YouTube. And then, you know, five years later, you've been doing the podcast for five years. Five years, man, over 500 interviews. You're excellent at that. Thanks, man. Well, you're so similar because we're just, I don't know, if you're real, and you can be in the moment, and you can look down for a second, get us, I think those are the guys that I like. Truthfully, I'm just friends with you so I can sleep with our hosts. I like to get Susan on my show. Is she like 70, you know? Yeah, last time I started maybe a couple of years ago at the Emmys, we talked. You know what was great about her? She kept losing every year. Every year. I know. And the best, that's the best thing that could have happened to her. Because now she's more famous than everybody else. Everybody else. Because they're all like, yeah, what about her? Yeah, it's very true. Very true. Very true. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I like winning. You like winning? You win? Well, it took me 10 years to win my first one. Another 20 years to win two more. You won three Emmys? You? We have an Emmy winner. A three time Emmy winner here, folks. No shit. Yeah, this morning we won the signal award for our episode with Lamar Odom. Oh, shoot. Isn't that cool? Yeah, that's very cool. Lamar, where's my doll? Promised me a doll. Unbelievable. You've had some incredible guests. Yeah. Who stood out the most? Or a few of them that stood out the most? Well, for me, you know, Stephen A Smith was great. Love him. Frank Grillo from all those movies and everything. He was great. But what stands out to me is when a cop comes on. Right. And he says to me, we're talking about darkness and whatnot. And he says, well, and I said to him, it's pretty safe to say our wives saved our life, right? He says no. Well, I said, well, what saved your life? Or who saved your life? Because one night I was in my darkest and I took my gun and I put it to my forehead and the gun jammed. I said, oh, he goes, that saved my life. Because after that I changed completely. That type of stuff. Another girl who came on. She had no, no hand or arm from here from the elbow. I said, how did it happen? She goes, well, I was driving and I had my hand out and this truck hit me off. And it took my, and she said she'll never forget when he came in. The doctor said, I got good news and bad news. Good news is your life. Bad news is you'll never, you'll never use that hand again. But that's the kind of stuff that you don't forget kind of. It doesn't have to be celebrity. I had Cheryl on the wood tell me her husband jumped off a building. What was your favorite guest? That's like, it is like asking your favorite child, you know? Okay, then we won't tell you. That was diplomatic. I couldn't answer that either. Right, it's really weird. It's kind of, there's so many good people I just can't. How do you think we can better support people with mental illness? It's especially the homeless. Oh, man. Look, I mean, that is the question, isn't it? How do we fix it? Or how do we help? Or how do we? I think for mental health, you're doing what you're doing. It's helping. I'm doing what I'm doing. That's the way I, that's kind of, if there was another way to help, I would do it. If you told me, Maurice, what can do this? We can do that. I would be there. But this is my way of doing it. Now, as far as the homeless, this is just, everywhere, everywhere right around my little studio city place. There's a bunch of homeless people. And it just hits here, man. We were doing our podcast. Oh, I know. And we had that homeless guy screaming right outside the door. And, you know, they're just becoming more aggressive. Yeah. And it feels like they're getting sicker. Yeah. I agree with you. And, well, who's supposed to help that? The governor? Our governor? Yeah. He's not in no chance. No. Not our governor. But what can you do? Richard, to help mental. No, I'm talking about homeless. Oh, okay. Well, that's easy, actually. Okay. That can be fixed in two years. There are psychological universities all over California. All there has to do is you get a group of those people that are always graduating. Right. And you have an executive order that signs off on their hours, because you got to do 3000 hours. And it gets signed off on their hours automatically. And then there's a training program that teaches them how to be golden retrievers and just take them right off the street and put them into treatment or long-term housing. It's actually quite simple. I think it's quite, it's pretty simple, yeah. They take two years. A couple billion dollars. Why doesn't anyone want to do it? Because homeless people don't vote. They don't have anybody speaking for them. All they have are all these little different agencies that if they fix the problem, these agencies go away. So they're incentivized to keep the problem going. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, I've done my work on that. Yeah, make sense. We're picking people right now off the street and putting them right into treatment veterans. We're doing all the veterans. All veterans come to us. Beautiful. Yeah, we love them. We love them. It's kind of like lithium. Veterans are like lithium. No, it's my psychiatrist. I did a state of mind two years ago in Graceland. Yeah, with an audience. I don't love doing it with an audience. Because not as personal and subtle. But it was cool. And I hadn't seen him in 30 years, man. I came in. I was crying. And he said to me on, and I didn't know this. I mean, lithium's on the cover of my book. So he said, you know, big pharma hates lithium. I said, why? Because it's cheap and it works. Yeah, they don't want it. You don't, you don't hear about lithium. I don't hear about it. Other drugs we hear about, right? Dexapro. So it's a problem. Sonny's character has bipolar disorder. Yes. Was that you? No, Sonny, they came to me by the year and a half. They knew because I had a breakdown. And when I started the show, they knew that they came to me and said, it's a right for me. If we have Sonny, be bipolar. That's awesome. You're like, cool. Yeah, I said, yeah, I'm a method actor. So I become this thing. The truth of the matter is, it's been incredible for acting. But for my life, at this point, I'm 62 years old. And it takes its toll. It does? Yes. The kind of look, look, let me explain it to you about acting. The bad actors, or not that good actors, it's kind of, they don't go through anything. It's pretty easy. It's the better actors that suffer. And almost the better you are, because if you're doing that kind of work, so here I am, I am bipolar, playing bipolar. A lot of times I couldn't shut it off. Right. It gets you going. Yes. So, yes, I've done well and great and all this, but would I trade for not going through the shit I went through? I don't know. It's almost just easier being a bad actor. Because you're not in it. You're not all in. You're not all in. Well, that's what you have to do. You have to just get shitty and you'll be fine. Yeah, but like my mom says, E-hole, can't you do it half? I said, Mom, I tried a little bit. I can't do it. Because then it just feels wrong. It's hard to turn off. Yeah. It feels wrong to just be going and not be as deep. No, you got to do your thing and you got to be you and you got to put it out there. That's what you can't. All right. What's happening right now with Sonny? Well, and what's around the corner? I don't really know what's around the corner. I really don't, or I'd say because I don't, I talk about this stuff. But I'm with, I'm trying to protect my son, Michael. And I have this new chick that she's really good. Her name is Naznean contractor and she plays 88 Turner. She's the ADA and I'm the mobster. And it's getting, you know, it's starting to get kind of interesting. You're going to sleep with the, I don't know. I don't know. You know what? You heard it here first. I haven't had a chick in a long time, Sonny. So we'll see. You know, I hate it when they don't give you a check on soap operas. It's like, what are you supposed to do there? You've got all the eye candy around and you feel like you're a red-headed stepchild. Yeah, you know, I've always had, I've had Sonny and Brenda was big, big couple and then Sonny and Carly, big couple. And I did Sonny Carly with three different actresses. Who's your favorite actress that you worked with? Just the two of you, the rhythm, the connection. Who was it? You know, I can never answer that, but I can say this. You got to love the one you're with. That was the coolest answer. And I'm not with anybody. That's the coolest answer you can give. And that's good enough for me. All right. So you were just with Erica Slasak on screen doing a scene. Yeah. What was that like? She's, I think that she's one like, I don't know how many Emmys, but she's like a legend and she was great and she told me the story that her husband doesn't watch soap operas, but he's a huge fan of Sonny. And I said, really? She goes, oh my goodness, you don't understand. It's all what does Sonny do? Where's Sonny? And you know, coming out of her was just, it's pretty funny. But we worked together and she was, she's great. She's great. She reminds me of Ellen Bursting, remember her? No. The mother from Exorcist? No. I never saw the Exorcist. Let me tell you something. I don't like scary movies. Great. Or people that end up in jail, movies with people in jail. Or movies where people lose their money. Listen to this. The Exorcist. Okay, it's two little stories. One little story is my mom and dad went to go see the Exorcist. I was 10 years old and I was babysat by my brother's girlfriends. Girlfriend and sister. And as a young boy, I don't know, you know, that's just what it is. I made out with both of them and gave them hikis. That was Sonny. But I never saw the Exorcist. My dad saw the Exorcist and couldn't sleep for three nights. Then I finally saw it. Well, Richard, that movie traumatized me to the point when I had my first breakdown in the hospital. I was telling everybody I was the Exorcist. I was spitting on people. They were great. It was just horrific. That's what that, because you know, a lot of what go back to this, but I never sprained down in a manic episode being bipolar, whatever. A lot of is God in the devil. Fight each other. In your mind. And most, well, most of the time, God wins. But there are times when he doesn't. And the person is not here anymore. But that's how it was brought up. And it's all very spiritual. There's been buzz online that you're leaving the show. You're leaving the show? No. You're not. No, there are always a lot of people. I think they're saying I'm dying to like, I have cancer or some shit. Or you're not dying. No, and I'm not leaving. I got a year left in the contract. Look, I'm going to retire. But I don't think it's going to be before I'm 65. Oh, you know, 62. Right. So we'll just, you know, it is what it is. The let people say what they say. Sonny needs to go on till 75. Well, yeah, but I don't think Maurice held was Marlon Brando when he put the orange peel in his mouth and then falls over and dies in the Godfather. Can we look that up? I guarantee it's 75. No, he just acted old. I think he was no more than 50. Okay, but he looked 75. So yeah, but he, you know, Brando obviously, he wanted to stop acting forever, you know, he just did it for the money. And I think his reasons, like my reasons, my reasons, Richard, is mentally it's taxing on me. What are you going to do? No, I know. I know. Before I leave. You got to figure that out. Yes, leave and do nothing. No, it's not going to be good. Absolutely. I already know that for sure. So when I leave, I'll have, you know, state of mind, at least come in, maybe do that more, maybe financially, I'm pretty good. So, but you're right. I already know what happens to my mind when I'm living in it alone. You guys like you and I don't do well without structure. Exactly. I'm with you 100%. If Sonny were sitting here today with us, what would he tell Maurice? He would probably say, don't worry about anything. I got your back. Well, that would make me comfortable. You want me to play Sonny right now? I'd give anything for you to play Sonny right now. All right. I'll try to get into this dude. What are you doing? Nothing. Why'd you put your glasses on? Take, take them off. I don't want to see your eyes. You don't scare me a second. But I do want to kiss you. How's that? That was awesome. You did really good. You become a serious man. Oh, it's got to be in there. It's got to get the thing and and when he was young, when I was younger playing Sonny, he was more like a caged animal. So, he'd be like, you're with me right now. Don't fuck me. What? Yeah, that kind of guy. Now he's older, so he's a little less. More mellow? A little more. Yeah, a little mellow. Yeah, but it's still, he's still got to be serious. You've spent three decades on General Hospital. You've spent five years doing state of mind, helping people. What do you want your legacy to be? Your legacy to be? I want my legacy to be I was one of the or the first man to come out and say he was bipolar. I'm not the first, because Patty Duke came on way before, but that's a woman. No man had. And so the legacy has to be something. You know, it's funny when you ask me that, I think somebody else has to be that. It's not about the acting. Right. I don't really, you know, I know I've done well, but it's not, it's the mental health. You know, I didn't know that you're one of the first or the first men to come out publicly. Oh, yeah. I always say he had bipolar disorder. That's magnificent. That's an effescent because now everybody else is like, oh, I'm not, I'm not the only one. I'm not alone. This is a thing. I'm not a weirdo. Yeah, but I will say when I came out, it was on Oprah. My wife came out. She didn't want to come on. She was eight months pregnant. And she finally came on because Oprah said, come on, come on. But nothing, you know, Richard, I was proud to do it. And I was, it was Oprah and great. Nothing really happened with mental health from that. Except I've seen a big change with the pandemic. Yeah, that's when it just blew the, yeah, because anybody who's never had it and thought it was nothing now has it. And they're like, oh, shit. This is what that is. And you see commercials. I'm bipolar one. If you're bipolar, I get smile every time. I be on my bed, you know, like this and I hear. If you're bipolar one, I'm like, damn, right? That comes right after the restless syndrome commercial. All that's it. Yeah. So I think we're in a better place. But I think, and I think you know this, the suicide, you're up. And I hate to even say it because I know how you feel about it. And I feel the same way. So well, if we continue to treat each other like shit, yeah, it's not going just not no. Gotta be good to each other, people. You got me, you got any breaking news for me? Well, it's not an break, but I'm, but I'm finally going to get Genie Francis on state of mind. Genie Francis. And it's been, we're hurting our really good friends and we work together all time now. She's fantastic. And I've been just, you know, saying to her, you know, whatever you want, this, that, I get you, you know, and she's coming on. So can't wait. Marice, thank you so much for coming today, man. I really appreciate it. This is a great episode. Thank you. You're just, you're a pro, man. And I love watching it. I love watching it. So you can, you can, if I have to just marry Spanard on Instagram and all my social media, you know, all that kind of stuff, state of mind on YouTube. And I'm glad I was out of this was fun. But it would, what's so quick? I know. Give me one last favor. Yeah. It in your best sunny. Look into that camera and say, see you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday.