Traveling w/ Keanu Reeves & Golfing w/ Tiger Woods

Yo, this is from Dan to me. Just kicks Bade's ass at chess. He's got quite the ego about chess. But he didn't know a rook from his ass. I bet sex with my wife and the wife's like this, huh? And then he says one of our posters, I bet flying the wall be number one in a year. He puts our poster up there. Yeah, he bets us. Oh my god, this is like Barbie versus open. Why are you going up again? Lorne documentary versus stupid pun. You just know, you just went up against Titanic. But Lorne, I don't know who is booking this movie. He's like quietly make bus boys disappear. Welcome to the greatest show on earth. What if it was? I know, what if it was secretly like talked about centuries from now? It is to some people. Oh, I do have to say I'm going to, oh wait, it's too late. No, it's not. I'm going to Charlotte. What? These are the last couple of gigs for a while. You say that every week and then you go for gigs. I know, I really do. It's such a lie. I go to Charlotte Nashville and Pittsburgh. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh during the draft. Is it the draft? I think you'll get drafted. What if I get drafted? I know you shouldn't even be around there. You could be a punter or something. You could hold the. David Spade, six, one, 180. They all lie. They all lie. They're a bunch of liars. Mother aphorist. Yeah, I've got, maybe I'll bring some players down. Come down to the show. I have a couple of chuckles. Oh, they love that. They love Tommy boy. Get some there. And then Joe Durb brings them across the finish line. And then Dickie Roberts gets you free drinks. It's a spade. I've been out in the world with you in Indianapolis. Like I said, it was like walking around with Mickey Mouse. When I was on the road, I did stern. I haven't done stern in a long time. And we gave Dana his kudos and praises. That's the thing is my strategy is to never go on podcasts and then have people sing my praises on podcasts. Talk about, yes, we did. Because if I'm there, it never happens. Right. If you're there, you have to talk about me. Exactly. So I'm never there. And so you're like, what else you want to talk about? And they're like, we should have Dana on. I go, I know, he'd love it. Dana is elusive and mysterious. You do have a lucivity and mysteriosity going for you. I'm a mysterious mystery to myself. So your conundrum wrapped in a mystery. Yeah. I'm like a Rubik's Cube that you solved when you were five. You're like a Rubik's Cube where each side is dumber than the other ones when they all line up, it's the dumbest possible person on earth. Okay. Okay. It's nice chatting with you state champion and chess at age six. It's like being the Rubik's Cube. No one cares. I told you Dan Bula from SNL was incensed that Heather told him that I was a great chess player. Remember that? And we were with Sandler. Why was he mad about that? Because Sandler brought in a chess board on the road in Las Vegas and it was late after the show. And he goes, come on, let's play. We should all sharpen our skill. I was like, oh, how weird. I haven't played since maybe sixth grade. So we played and we both didn't know what was going on. And I won by miraculously not even remember like this is a bishop. Ponds can go two squares. Anyway, that was fun. And then I go, okay. And then Dan Bula goes, I play winner. I go, no, no, just play Sandler because I don't want to play. God, Dan got mean. He goes, sit the fuck down. I go, and he goes, Heather was bragging about how great. I go, no, no, no. She was probably just saying sixth grade I used to play. Sixth grade. That was 10 years ago. This was me. What was that about this last week or something? When was it? No, this is a year ago. A year ago. Hold on a second. Let me get in my, yo, this is from Dan to me. Just kick Spade's ass at chess. He's got quite the eagle. Ego about chess, but he didn't know a rook from his ass. Sandler. I mean, yeah. Hope you're well. Dan Bula. Well, should we tell people who Dan is in case they forgot? Big, big writer, that's no. Big writer and a great musician. And he goes on the road, a great performer and also. Musician, piano player, writer of songs. And he, I go, no, no, no. And he was like determined and he smoked me. And the grossest party goes, I knew you weren't that good. And I go, I did not say I was that good. Heather did. And then he goes, you fell for the old Zippity trap 49. And I go, he'll fall for this so fast. And you did. And I'm like, I don't know any plays in chess. I just, I'm not a grandmaster. Well, the idea is what you do before you play chess with Dan Bula again is you watch the hustler with Paul Newman and Tom Cruth. And so you know how the first two games like, I can't, what? Root overwhelming. And then you put five C notes on it and go, let's go bro. And then you kick ass. So you just, you just blew it next time. Watch that movie. I go, I guess I'll be all in on this one. I love that in every movie where it's like, then another layer. Like all the chips. He's moving the whole, I bet the table. I bet the table. And just everything. And then he gets up on this thing and sits. I bet myself. He throws the car keys at the, everything. And then he goes, just me. Then he grabs his wife. She's sitting there and I bet my wife. I bet sex with my wife and the wife's like this, huh? And then he says, one of our posters, I bet flying the wall would be number one in a year. He puts our poster up there. Yeah, he bets us. He explains it. Yeah, he bets us. Yeah, he just bets us. Yeah, anyway. Come on, man. Oh, I saw Marcelo and Sarah Sherman from the old SNL. Love those guys. I saw them for lunch. I haven't told her one. That would be a blast for those two young. No, they were fun. Those two morons. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, they're a kick in the pants. Lauren, we should plug Lauren as a movie coming out, even though it's against the bus. Is it the same weekend as the bus boys? It is. Oh my god, this is like Barbie versus Open. Why are you going up against Lauren? Lauren documentary versus Stupid Bust. You just know you just went up against Titanic with Lauren. I don't know who is booking this movie. He's like quietly make bus boys disappear. But wait a minute. Let's just for a second unpack this. The documentary about Lauren, the fabulous producer of Saturday Night for a half century, you and Theo falling down on the dirt doing good jokes. They're different is all I'm saying. By the way, if you've seen the trailer, we're not good bus boys. And if you could pay attention, a waiter walks between us and we dump the bus tub. And I'm like, if that doesn't signal to the audience that we're not good at bus boys, nothing does. So we have really set the table for ourselves. You should have thrown a dishwasher in there, man. There's a dishwasher in it, but he doesn't have any lines. Because that's the funniest back there. It was a dishwasher. I was a dishwasher, the Hobart 3000. In the sequel, this is sort of a trilogy. I shouldn't announce this yet. The second one left me and it, there left Theo. We just milk it out. Little sum for the kitten. When I was the holiday and we had a dishwasher named Ralph. He's about 60 kind of. And he would be a non sequitur type guy. You come back and he goes, I like him big. Don't you like him big? I go, I go, what? And he said, one of the cocktail waitresses said she had, she didn't like her legs. He goes, I like him big. Don't you like him big? I got out of there pretty fast. I backed up slowly because no, like we had dishwasher. But bus boy, you alone to be crazy. I want to do a quick bus boy. Here we are. Now, in the movie bus boys, David Spade from Tommy Boyd, all these great, wonderful hits, you have a grown man fondle the genitals of another man. Is that your idea of humor? Do you actually think that's funny? Well, actually he just pinches my nuts. I don't know if that's fondling, but I think it is. Is that funny to you pinching nuts? Is that where your comedy's gone to? I think in the situation it was unexpected. I don't know if it's hilarious, but it was not meant to be super offensive. And why in God's name are you opening up against the Lord Michael's talk event? I know. I'm just hearing this. I don't know. We should, we should look at the calendar a year ahead. All right. This is Pierce Morgan. Morgan, I'll be back later and be more rude and on read. Please do. I do like these hard hitting questions from Pierce. I think it's, I think it's good. And speaking of hard hitting, I just thought, what's the biggest story of the week? Guess. Not Iran. It's not Iran? We're already in trouble for letting Tim Dillon on the show to talk about everything. What is it? What's the biggest story? How we got in trouble. That's so funny. I love it. But Anthropic, which is made Claude, which is an AI. No, AI now. Made a new one called AI Mythos. And it officially announced it will not release it due to safety concerns. So I did a deep dive on this. They turned on Mythos. What came up first thing? Humans are the problem was the first thing it said. Then they went, the second thing. Surprising, not a joke. See bus boys in theaters only April 17th. That was the second thing it said. Dude, shut it down. It doesn't matter. Look how far I went to get another plug. That was really good. Did it say humans are the problem or is that the problem? Well, what would be the worst thing it could say? No, that scared me because it seems real because I heard they have shut ones down because here's what I don't like. Let's say you got GBT and you're some fucking buster in the middle of nowhere and you want to be cool. So you film it and you have stuff like, hey, why don't you start World War Three? Quit fucking around because it will do it. Like it's like, what was the old movie? Matthew Broderick. War games. Would you like to play a game? And guess who tested for war games? Shut your mouth. Came in second place. Marty Bress, I was his first choice, but of course Matthew Broderick. Marty Bress. Got it. Huge movie. Huge movie. I tested. Wow. War games with a cute girl on your shoulder and the theme of the movie. If you haven't seen it, Matthew Broderick is trying to hack into his report card or something. Yeah. And then he accidentally finds some deep... I should have read the script before I did the screen test. He never even read it. That was a problem. Like in the Pentagon and he's like, what's this? And he gets into the DEF COM nuclear. Yeah. Nuclear keys. He's going to blow up the world. But Matthew, Matt, Maddie, M.B., Brody was great in that movie. Well, I love that movie. Thank you. Always, it's just like how you like it when the computer goes, would you like to play a game? And he goes, sure. He doesn't know it's war games. I know. So we could line up 10 signs fiction movies. They all predict that they're going to fuck with us and ruin humanity. And yet we go forward for the silver dollars. I mean, they asked George W. Bush about it, about anthropic. He was speechless. He just said, what do you think, Mr. George W. Bush? God, as far as his eye is bugging out. And for well, anthropic. Jesus. Jesus. What is that? I love that he flew out of screen. That's an indication that he won't be back. He's on the pile. Here's a quick cut. Here's a quick one. Oh my God, I'm so ahead of that cult cast of everyone trying to be present in 2028. So I'm so far ahead. Is she ahead? I don't know. Why do I believe everything you say? You're the world's greatest. Oh, do a millennia. Is that millennia? Millennia? I just want to say that I haven't. I don't know. I never even met Jeffrey Epstein. Okay. I mean, come on. I'm sorry. Who is he? Here, you do the voice and I'll do the puppet. You know, I am not part of this situation. Keep my name out of your fucking mouth. Oh, hi, Jeffrey. Oh, shit. I fell for it. He's right there. You used to have a Jeffrey puppet. I do have a Jeffrey puppet with mustaches. It's in my closet though. There's 400 puppets at your feet. No one sees them. Oh, I have. I have just shit done. I just kind of grab them out of this giant thing I swirl around. And I've got some here just if I want to go to them. You have an AI stick puppet making machine. That'll be for next week. Thanks for the suggestion. Humans are the problem. That's the byline. Hi, my name is Lloyd Lockridge, and I'm the host of a new podcast from Odyssey called Family Lore. In this podcast, I'm going to have people on to tell unusual and sometimes far-fetched stories about their families. I've heard my whole life that she ended at the Margarita. And then we're going to investigate those stories and find out how much of it is true. He gets a patent one month before the Wright Brothers. Oh my God. Please follow and listen to Family Lore, an Odyssey podcast available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your shows. I think I saw a Devil Wears Prada and they were doing... We can take this out, but in my opinion, Devil Wears. If you're associated in those files, you know the files. I understand. Just by sheer whatever. Well, if someone mentioned you in an email, I like David Spade's movie, then you're in the files. Oh, you would be in the files, right? Yeah. That's, I think, Whitney Cummings. That's how she got in there. But Naomi Campbell's in there a lot. Because I think there's something to that. But I don't know. But she's in Devil Wears Prada. I'm like, she does, bless her heart, gets a free pass on this whole thing. Listen, no one's really guilty until proven, so I get it. But there's definitely some finger pointing going on. Right. There's a whole giant ecosystem of Epstein. And then there's the more finite, more particular of horny middle age to older age men in rooms with 16-year-old girls. That's kind of what I focus on. But I know a lot of people are like, but he went to a party. You know. Yeah, I know. You're right. You're right. You said to get down to the D grade. Am I right again? Don't say yes if you disagree. You know what you're right. What about going back to Lauren? Do you think, what if they go through that whole movie and don't mention your name? Will you be hurt? No, I'm mysterious. I wouldn't be hurt. Nothing hurts me in show business. Wait, what is this interview you did for the rundown or something you're showing SNL sketches? I keep seeing that. What was that from when they were hitting you up at Peacock to do different stuff? Yeah, last fall when I was doing Joe Biden, I'm going to do in a second. Joe Biden on SNL, they said we're doing this thing called the rundown. I wasn't sure what it was. I walked back there on 8-H and they set up those. And it was kind of like, I like they loop you into a documentary. I know. Do your perfect. You know, it was kind of fun. They had a whole bulletin board of all the classic sketches, and you are whatever and Hollywood minute. But anyway, so then you just like picked them and did a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Don't play down. Here's something else. Sorry. I have a story for you before we get to the hard hitting news. Sorry, it was multi seven figure views on all the platforms. Across all platforms. Excuse me, it wasn't my fault. Don't be mad at me. Go ahead. Yeah, that did. I did. It did come across my desk in a few places like Instagram, TikTok. So I went to New York this weekend. That's why I look like fuck pie. You look great. What are you talking about? I look great. And lighting is everything. I was a little more beat up on this trip, neck wise and most because it started off. You know, you get there. I get there at night. The next morning we have to report to a Q&A for this outcome movie, this Keanu movie. Outcome movie, yeah. Which I'm not in much, but it was fun to be a part of. So I go and we have a Q&A. We go in this glass room and we're all there and they go, okay, file in and it was early. So you're getting up at 4am LA time, you know, to be to get up at 7am, New York, fluff the hair, paint on this face. So I go and there's the chairs because my neck, I already go, uh-oh, it's an hour. Hmm. Chairs aren't bad. I can see through the glass window. Okay, they're not bad. They go, okay, Keanu, Cameradillas, here you go. Jonah Hill. David, uh, we'll start a new row in the back. Bar stools. No, no, no. How dare you? No, no, no, no. They don't know your situation if they're putting you on a bar stool. So persnickety. By the way, forget I hate them. Is there anyone that likes them? Is anyone cozy on a bar stool? It's got the five inch back and I'm like, I stare at it and go, oh my God, I'm going to do an hour on this thing. So it's too high up to put your feet in your chair. So I put my foot on the back of Cameron's chair and one over here on Jonah's, I'm like this. For two hours and one visit. There's no cues for me or A's because what are you asking me? I just, not a glorified cameo. So, but I was in it twice. So fine. And then I do that and then someone drops their camera to tight room, drops their camera. And I instinctively from the old S and M party days. Oh, no, it jumped. No, I go, Gilligan because Gilligan's Island, Gilligan used to fuck everything up. So this is a reference. No one gets. Yeah, I didn't quite get it. Well, I know the show and I know he yelled Gilligan a lot. Yeah. Skip would go Gilligan when anything fucked up. Yeah. So we used to say that around the set if somebody fucked up or dropped something. Gilligan, okay. Gilligan. Anyway, the second I say Gilligan, I think it was a woman she fell on her face. And everyone's like, ah, this is more serious. Well, wait a minute. You yell Gilligan and then she passes out and falls flat. Like it was actually more of a problem than it was like an accident. So now I feel like an asshole, but no one really heard it except within my little area. But that wasn't the funny part. Nothing's funny. She fell and then everyone goes, oh my God, is she okay? And then they're crowding around and I'm like, guys, is Keanu all right? Does Keanu need a water? And they're like, what about her? I'm like, oh yeah, well, let's give Keanu a sip because he was a little traumatized and then give her the rest. So we all get out of the room. It's always give them some air, right? Make room for the ambulance. Yeah. And then we're outside and it was sort of like, I think this is over. It was 45 minutes already. So she went to the hospital, we split. And then at the premiere, I'm like, is everything okay with this woman? Is she all right? Because you know Keanu, if he knows something's up, he's heading to the hospital. He's a great guy. Well, I think Jonah Hill would too. Not even nobody knows what's going on. I have great guy syndrome. Yeah, I mean, that's what I say. It's show business. It's not the end of the world. If someone's sick, I think that takes priority. Yeah, you're a real person. And then we said, oh, she did it. She eat. Is it too hot in here? And I mean, let's say. Very common in those situations to get a little dehydrated. Didn't skip breakfast. Then I heard it might have been a seizure. Might have been fainting. We don't know. Anyway, nothing we can do. We were just like, I hope it's okay. But no one gave me a clear answer. Huh. We'll give you an update next week. Well, yeah, I'd like to know how it turns out. You can't give us that. You know how you can help. And that happened. And did you, how did that relate to your neck? So you that you feel like coming on. So then I was not great after that. I was all that painful. Then I go to the premiere and I sat in some weird space. I said, I want to sit in the back and then whatever. It just, it was annoying from then on. But I will tell you, oh, it's Keanu so nice. And then of course I had to make fun of them. They're like, Keanu gives everybody a watch on the set. And I said, yeah, they don't tell you. He takes it back at the end of the day. And then it was like, burning Keanu. Most of my day was spent consoling crew members. He screamed at. Keanu, he is, he's nice. Whoa. No, I did a movie with him once. Oh, he asked about the podcast. He asked about it? Well, Keanu, you're always welcome. Well, okay. He didn't ask about it. Let me rephrase that. Don't tease us like that. Well, he said, Oh, I said, what? Someone mentioned it to me and he goes, Oh, you do a podcast? And I go, yeah. And he goes, why don't I know that? Because he's so nice. He's goes, Oh, I should know that. I'm sorry. I go, you shouldn't know what it's fine. There's 10 million. I go, I do it with Dana. Remember Dana Carvey? And he goes, Oh, yeah, of course. He's so nice. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry I don't know this, but is he Bill or Ted? That's a great question. Let's go to the phones. Heather. Uh, Heather. Great. Oh, here she goes. By the way, this info gets us nothing anyway. Ted, Heather wins Ted. So he was super lovely, of course. And just like overwhelmed because I go, I go, this thing's pretty early. Keanu, is this was just your call? And he goes, No, I've already been to the today show. I go, Oh my God, already this one. Well, wait a minute. Why does he, when he's off camera, he talks like Clint Eastwood apparently. I mean, we're, because he's been fighting people in the matrix and fucking wick world for 25 years. I don't understand what you just said to me. I'm Keanu Reeves. Yeah. He's like, Yeah. He, no, he just is kind of soft spoken. He's not like a pushy asshole. Like that I'm usually attracted to. He's, he's like, Yeah. And then he goes, I did the today show and I go, Oh shit. And Savannah got three back today. And he goes, Yeah. I, she didn't interview me. I go, well, she fucked up. Why wouldn't you want to interview Keanu in the biggest stud in the world? But she was in a different room. He said, They put her in a different room. I would have talked to her, but they put her in a different room. Thanks Keanu. Yeah. He goes, I go, who interviewed you? Some rookie. They shouldn't give you, they should give you the best of the best. I said, when we interview you, we'll be nice. I'll only go on that show if Al Roker's going to interview me. I was, I liked that guy, man. He's very accurate when it comes to meteorological situations. Yeah. Did you like him fatter or skinnier? Be honest. I really liked him. I kind of liked him porky. I don't really care. I got, I got 12 million shares of Osempic. It's done very well for me. Oh Keanu does. So he makes money when everyone's on it. Well, it's, it made me my worst impression based on yours. Yeah. You're doing me, but he is. I'm Keanu Reeves. Then he left there. This is what people don't know. So he's pushing the outcome movie for Apple, Apple TV, lovely people. Actually had fun with them. So, of course, today's show. Then this hour Q and A where most questions are thrown at him, of course. Then I go, I'll see you at the premiere. Between that and the premiere, Drew Barrymore, our father's favorite. True one. True's in the movie too, Heather. I know. Okay. So then, so that Drew. Then I know that was a good one. Then something else he did. He was all day doing press. Oh, then he did Colbert. Then he came right late to the premiere. Hey, whoa. And then a long press line of like every interview. This is Bill Squeaky from K-Blob. And he's like, hey, Keanu, tell us about the movie. And then he does that. Moves down to one inch. Keanu, tell us about the movie. It's exhausting. Exhaust. You feel you have to give each person something fun, or at least that. So when does this end? When does he go home? So then he got the premieres. Just got the shit kicked out of him. Anyway, overall fun time. Oh yeah, I could clear something up. Howard Stern the next morning. Another early bird call. God, you had quite a trip, man. I know, dude. Keanu, and now Howard Stern. Hey, I'm Howard Stern. Hey, David Spade, sir. By the way, did you ever trip someone when you're a kid and go, have a nice trip. See you next fall. No. Did you ever slap a kid in the face randomly as hard as you can and go, hey, I'm slap happy today. No. No. Okay. Does anyone get beat up? I'm just asking. I'm not saying you did or I did. I'm just saying. That's a good one to do for kids. Does anyone ever give you a newbie in third grade? Yeah. Yeah. I got all through high school, I got too many newbies and not enough hand jobs. Anyway, so we had a newbie and a wedgie go together. They're kind of, it's kind of a fun pack of childhood abuse. All right. Doctors putting his fingers two down my throat, one up my butt shakes hands and my ribs. It's a dentist line. That's Richard Bell's. Okay. All right, so on Stern. Yeah. The only story was he asked you about Tiger Woods, right? He goes, you played golf with Tiger Woods and you thought you were good. I said, that was really a sort of a bucket list fun thing to do. Of course. And I jokingly said, Tiger was in pain the whole time because they had a guy putting those little massages on his back. Even in between everything. Yeah. In between rounds. And then, and he's got like a candy necklace full of viking and going, instead of candies. And Pete, other things too. Going together, viking and it's like, I am. And so I go, but overall he's very nice. And my big part of the story was I'm such a little investigative journalist I go, because I can tell his little sore from a recent operation, moving a little stiff, but being very nice and helping me putt. And he's had several since then. So at that point I said, do you think you'll ever golf again? This is just off camera and bullshitting. And he was like, I didn't know why I said it because I'm like, you're sore. You're getting all like, do you want to just keep doing it or does it hurt your neck? She's smarty pants. Yeah. He goes, I mean, I hope so. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'll get through this and I go, great. Crash is that next morning and like smash his feet and everything. I'm like, oh, after this one, will you? And then it was like he was immediately better than me again within seconds. Like, I can't even stand up. Oh, better than spade. So he got good again. But then I saw four articles so far, Heather. David Spade claims Tiger Wood was on so many Vicodin right before his crash. Where does that come out? It comes out in these articles because that's a good... Well, it's out now. Yeah. That's a good thing to say and twist into that because he just crashed. He said, you know, they found two pain bills on him. I guess he popped the other 28. But they found two pain bills on him. So this falls into that where they can go, oh, before his last crash, you know, I'm joking. Obviously, Spade says he was really and it's like, oh boy, actually, we have a video for the masters. Should we show it? If you're locked and loaded. I mean, if you have that, let's show. You know, think about Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vaughn. Who's the skier? Yeah. That they dated for a while and they're both unbelievably tenacious, indefatigable about injuries. Like she wants to come back now. He'll, he'll, after this, he will play again. He'll play in the Masters. It'll be better than me immediately. Yeah. They just don't know how to quit. This is a live shot for the Masters. Okay. This is, yeah. There's Tiger. Yeah. Tiger, fine. What are you doing there? Oh my God. He's here. Tiger's here. They say, where's Tiger? I know, he clipped the beginning. Where's Tiger? Where's Tiger? And then there it comes. Yeah. Anyway, it's just somebody with chronic pain trying to get relief from it and, you know, he'll get, he'll get. Lindsey Vaughn with a scaffolding on her legs. I'm like, and then I heard her family's myth that she's talking about coming back. I would be worried about her too. Of course. That's normal. No. When they said we might have to amputate, she was already just on the phone signing up. Switzerland next summer. Yes. I'll be there. No goals. Yep. They took a foot. They actually, they had a safecracker come in just to make the sound effect with Lindsey's foot. All fixed. They got the ear to her leg like this. No, but you got to do the sound effects of some time. When in doubt, go with a. Yeah. When in doubt, go with a. Yeah. Just any, any. That could be anything. Okay. So Howard Stern was delightful. Anyway, that worked out at a time and we can get to some news. I want to do a quick Joe Biden because, you know, people get all. Oh, Joe Biden. They got all riled about Tim Dillon and everything. So here's Joe Biden talking about the Iran conflict, you know. Okay. Great. Here's Biden, everybody. Folks, I'm not getting around here. Very serious. And guess what? And by the way, the fact that I mean serious, I'm not getting around. No joke. Come on, folks. Get your facts straight. I could close the straighter, amuse faster, close it. It is closed. Okay. Come on, Jack. Get your facts straight. I mean, it says it's going to open. I mean, it says it's going to open. Open straighter, amuse. No one ever opened a better night ad. Come on, folks. Open sesame. Open sesame. Who the guy said that was Yule Brunner, 1952 and 48, corn pop and everybody else. I'm Joe Biden. Scene. I love it. That was a good one. I like he's dark. I haven't done him in a while. It's a good one, dude. He's mumbling about nothing. I like him. I root for him. I can't help it. I like when it's Iran. He gets serious. He goes, hey, come on. He starts a little quieter instead of mad. Well, yeah, that is his thing. Get really, really soft. Yeah. A straighter, amuse, right? I don't want to close it faster. I close it. I like anyone. Sir, I have a question. Zip it, Jack. Get your facts straight, Jack. You're going to fight everyone? He's not going to fight. Check out Biden the woodshed. He's going to beat the hell out of you. Guys like Donald Trump, I don't want to do with him. I used to take him down the woodshed. I'm like, you haven't beat up anyone in your life. What are you talking about? That was a good one, though. Let's move it on. What do we got? Buzzing around, dude. Oh, buzzing around. Yeah. You're on your own on this one. I'm going to let you pick your scenario. We're going to have- Pick three impressions. Okay. I'll set you up. Hold on. Ready? Okay. Let's see. Okay, hold on. Buzzing around. Here it's time. Your favorite- Do this. Do this. Set up. Sponsored by 5R Energy with a wide variety of bold flavors to choose from. You get as much caffeine as a 12-hour premium cup of coffee. It was zero sugar and zero sugar crash. Find 5R Energy Shots online at www.5REnergy.com or Amazon today. Dane is going to do a little bit. He's got- He's going to try to- I'm going to try. Okay. Try to entertain you. Okay. This begins with Hansen- Hansen-Frons. Okay, good. Hansen-Frons holding a press conference claiming what they're going to do. Yeah. Hello, everybody. I like the setup. I'm going to take a sip. Hello, everybody. I'm Hans and I'm Franz. And we are here to announce that we can fly around the moon faster than the- Are you allergic to my comedy? Yeah. No, this bit is funny and I'm ruining it. That's about the funny part. We are here to announce that we could fly around the room better than the Artemis spaceship. Such a little spaceship. It flies around and we could go around the moon and get a lot closer than Artemis. Guess what? Lot of people go, look at all the craters on the moon. Who do you think made the craters? Hansen-Frons with our muscles. We pummeled the moon. And we made craters. Don't get me started about the rings of Saturn. Another one of our nice pieces of work. Does anybody have any questions about us flying around the moon with just our muscles? No spacesuits? Yeah. Oh, Steve, I have a question. Now, you're- Okay, yeah, pause. You're- Senator John Kennedy, you're suggesting that you can fly around the moon without a spacesuit or a spaceship just with your muscles? Is that- Is that what you're saying? Did I get that right? Is that correct? Did I get it right? You got it better than right. You're totally on spot on. But guess what? Who really supports us more than anyone in our endeavor? Remember Dean Martin. Not really. Everybody. Hansen-Frons. Hansen-Frons is going around the moon. Oh, I know what he can go faster. Hansen-Frons. Everybody loves the moon sometime. Or get a little brandy and get a bottle of wine. When the moon hits your eye. That's the moral. I didn't think of that. When the moon hits my son, why does the moon- He's so drunk. Oh, I had a little hint who went to the bar. Oh, David Spade, Busboys coming out April 17th. April 17th on Busboys. That's a spade, oh. Theo Von falling down to the dirt. Woo! That's the whole movie. By the way, it sounds like he's been over at the copper penny. But Warner Brothers- Well, Dean-O, that was the thing. He wasn't really an alcoholic, but he just- He pretended to be one, you know? I was like Foster Brooks. I thought Foster Brooks- Like Foster Brooks. Was drunk and they kept inviting him to roast. And when I was like nine, I'm like, why do they invite this fucking drunk guy every time he's going to be drunk? And you couldn't- In those days, you could. His whole shtick was that he was just plastered. Hey, I'm Foster Brooks. I wanted to- Now I'm doing Dean Martin, but- No funny, though. Couldn't do it now. No, I loved it. That was- And he hiccups a lot. You go, hup. Yeah, comedians were an assortment pack. Everyone had their own- There's no fake drunk comedians anymore. No, there's people who drink on their podcasts that we don't do anymore. Remember when we- In the early episodes of this, we just be shit-faced. Now we're boring and sterile. Now we're boring and sterile. All right, let's look at it from those- Oh, wait, wait, I gotta- Oh, wait, I gotta wrap it up. Okay. I gotta wrap it up. That was bluzzing around, starring Dana Carvey, sponsored by Five Our Energy's Tasty Caffeine Flavors. Enjoy big flavor to tiny bottle. Five Our Energy shots pack the flavors of the season. Senator John Kennedy and the late great Dean Martin were, I guess. Yes, Five Our Energy shots at fiveourenergy.com where Amazon today. Let's show some news stories. We never get to enough good news stories. Okay, by the way- We're locked and loaded. Oh, this coat. New York subway stuff is always funny to me. Yeah. This guy's just out the subway. Would you wear this coat? And is this you? Is that a guy? Cockroach. Oh. Heather just grossed out. Why on God's green earth? Unless this costs 40 grand, I would wear it. But why would you wear- Yeah. On the way to SNL, why would Dana wear this coat? Yeah. And why was the camera, when I put on my cockcoat, as I call it, it's a short- Cockcoat. Put on my cockcoat. And I just do it because there's so many cockroaches in New York and people go, Hey, you got some, I got some. And you squeeze in a couple that are alive and then they start going at it like gladiators. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And they fight for the arm or whatever the best place is to hang out. Hey, man, only in New York. You got some very- Only in New York. You got some of your eccentric's out there. Some people in naked, some people wear cockroach jackets. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's a subway creature's Instagram and you always see crazy. Real people just film someone else on there first. I know. Oh. Do you ever, when's the last time you took the subway? I know. I thought you were going to, you've never taken it, but I used to take it at SNL. I've taken it. All the time. And then when I go back, I did a few times, but the bars are kind of grossly slippery from not sure what. And it's a little steamy down there. It definitely has a distinct smell, not horrible, just weird subway smell all the time. Yeah. And you're getting your chair and you're like, okay, I'll be uptown in five minutes, you know. And then you're kind of, you got a newspaper or whatever, or your cell phone. And then you hear a voice in front of the cab you're in, the train car. Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention please? I'm a man in need of a little bit of help. So I'm going to come around to you and just give what you can. And so then they're panting, you're waiting for them to come here, trying to find a box. To get to you and they're like, or they put on a show. Because you're just sitting in your chair, you can't leave her. And you're just like, yeah. That's why I don't. And I don't know why for the one time that you did that. I was like, the spades should be at eight age rehearsing for, you know, gap girls. I was undercover homeless guy. Ladies and gentlemen, I have not been in a lot of sketches lately. I need some stage time. I'm going to try out some of my new bits. All right, what else you got? Okay, what else we got? I can tell when you're restless. I know I'm just. Leading us. There's more. This is just something to revisit later. But somehow another mysterious NASA death, the ninth scientist linked to these programs is dead. It's so odd when people start dropping like flies that are associated with something and you go, this is not normal. And this is not normal. I remember when it was up to five and I'm like, that's too many that just know something. Then one guy disappeared. Remember he walked somewhere and they couldn't find him. They never found him. It's all weird. We're going to come back to the story. I'm just dog-earing it as odd. Well, let's play detective for like one 30 seconds. And I'm just putting this out there rhetorically. Why and who would want to have these NASA scientists not exist? Would it be, I'm not going to say Satan because that's that other character. So a good line. I was a good wind up for it though. Could it be Satan or could it be AI? They might know too much about something and they got to get rid of them. Yeah. I mean, nine in the same field that know a lot of the same information, whatever it is. UFOs, AI, there's a guy today who was testifying against Bill Gates. Stereously died again. These things happen and you go probably just happens, but. You know, I'll just throw this out there and I know it's not what people think, but I think, you know, everyone's focused on Mars and getting out of our solar system. Everyone. I'm going to go on record saying, I believe there's an underground civilization inside the moon. I like this idea. Yeah. I knew you would. You'd love this. But they could be inside the moon. We should do shark tank and people pitch us conspiracy theories because, and we go, maybe, I think there's a lot, they always show stuff coming in out of the moon, like shooting out. If you get, they push in close. You just never know if it's real, but I do like this crazy idea and also the ocean, I believe. Well, I got excited. We have a video here that they said the government put out about UFOs. Let's see if they, oh, maybe we'll get to it because that one, they said, it's one of the ones they just put out and then no one even really pays attention anymore. Well, this spaceship Artemis went on the dark side of the moon and no one's ever seen it before. And they said, use this Artemis one, I got a sword. And they said they were seeing really weird symmetrical areas. Oh, they did say that? Yes. And then they, and then they cut them off. Yeah. I would not go for all the tea in China. Okay. This is an area 51, but this says, now these are all bullshit, but this says, this is one of the government release. The footage of a UFO landing at area 51 and then jumping back up into space or wherever it was at an extremely fast speed. Now, the strange thing is they just released this, put it up on the news and was like, basically like, just check this out. And people might say that that's fake, but it's not because the government has already been doing this. They did this like way back in 2021 where they just started showing footage of UFOs flying in the sky. And they're like, yeah guys. This is how it's freak out. Well, why? These things are out there. This could be our own. And you got to get prepared and get ready for once they start showing up more. So now they want you to know that this stuff is out there. Oh, you can get out. Well, why? I mean, so Anderson Cooper sees this and goes, no, let's not do anything about that. I mean, I don't know because does anyone believe anything anymore? But when they start releasing stuff, was that real that it was released that I'm all in, man? Because it looked very incredible. Right. And if it is, what does it mean? If it isn't, obviously it just goes away. But I think people at this point just shrug their shoulders and go, I think they're here. As long as they don't attack us, I don't really care. I mean, they're always pilots saying this awesome. Someone famous just said they saw, oh, Casey Musgraves said there was one following her plane. So I don't know. Well, that was bald face. So you just see it come down and then it shoots up unless it was some humanoid thing. Was it going faster or doing things that are impossible for a home man? It looked like it. Like me. I'm always doing things that are impossible. Yeah. When Keanu called me after that press chime, I was paid with sitting up in the chair doing things faster and weirder than even thought possible. He sat in a bar stool for almost 45 minutes. This never been done. And didn't order a drink. You know why they have bar stools? Yeah. It's a bar stool. Well, because they didn't want to get double wide chairs like that. They wanted to get bar stools so they could fit more right up the bar and make more money. Right. And they said, well, what about people with bad necks or bad backs? They just sit up on this bar stool. Don't worry. You get two grasshoppers in them. They don't feel dead. That's true. Fuck them and feed them fish. That's what they said. Who cares? You're great, Wally. We're going to be rich. What's that from? I don't know. It's just kind of a Garth's cousin. Yeah. That was a rethral. Okay. Next one. I'm going to do this face the rest of the podcast. I don't like your Garth face. That'll hurt your jaw. That hurt me. Be careful. Be careful. Okay. This, would you do this? You see these tribes and they're doing these things? Oh, yeah. Okay. It's a bungee, right? Oh, it is a bungee. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Big fucking wind up for this. What is it? We don't know. It's dirt jumping. No. Thank you. What is the plan? This guy had some, uh, Boyawask before he got up there. Is this live from Coachella? He's higher than the platform. What are they chanting? I don't know if he's supposed to land in the dirt because some people jump and land and you're like, whoa. No, he's not. It's going to stop his fall. The bungee there. It catches him. Yeah. Right before the dirt. Oh, he stood up. That was, I did not see that coming. If the, if the hill was not slanted like that, he would have got smashed. He looks like he's doing okay. I looked up, it took 37 years to build that structure because they don't have modern tools. No. Yeah. No, but they make shit work. You know what is truly kind of fun? You've ever done, you've ever had a really cool lake and a really nice rope swing. That wasn't too scary, but it was kind of scary. You'd go up and go in the water. Remember that? Up the arm strength. Don't tear up on me. I'm tearing up. I'm also thinking a lot of those people in the village were boycotting that saying, why are we spending so many sticks on the bungee plank when we could be making more huts and like a little mall? No, that means that they, they built their whole town and all their huts and everything. And then they had leftover wood and said, what do you want to do? Bungee, man. That's what you think? And everyone's like, why are we doing a bungee platform when not all of us love it? It's not our thing. I don't know. I'll go to the tribe. We'll get to the bottom of this. All right. Let's do two more. Two more. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. We never get to these. There's so many that are funny. Well, they're evergreen though, which is great pretty much. Oh, my buddy. Oh, my buddy. Yeah. Okay. So people don't know. I did a sitcom with Mickey Rooney in 1980. Spent a lot of time with him. Brilliant actor, really funny. Kind of crazy. Kind of crazy. Interviews Mickey Rooney about his Twilight Zone episode. Oh, okay. And Mickey is typical Mickey. What? Another for the first time. I don't care. So you're the creep. Today's audience doesn't understand. And maybe we could put this in context. You're playing a jockey, but they don't understand that for many years, anytime anybody said anything about a short, you were the butt of jokes. Oh, I'm tired of that. Oh, chump. Had you met Rod ever, certainly? Yeah. The worst interview. Do you remember where or? No. I don't remember anything. I wish I could help you. What was going on with you while you were making this? I don't remember. It's too long ago. That's very Mickey. How do you feel looking at his performance? I mean, it's just a performance. I don't know what to say about it. What kind of preparation would you have? Nothing. Just did it. That's very Mickey. There's no preparation for things like this. As you watched these, would you have played them differently? No. No, you play them for what they were at the time, at the moment that you're doing. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Did you have any more direct contact with Rod, like on the comedian? No. No, I didn't. Do you remember reading the script? No, I don't. Some people said they were doing the script. The words were so... No. This is totally him. Yeah, you didn't ask. Well, no, I told you about it. I said there was all going to be a miniature around me. But I was looking for you to explain to the younger audience, because they don't understand... The younger audience doesn't want to see this. That's who's watching this. No, it isn't. They're watching... The kids are watching this. He was very bitter. My kid is 19. He would have been with me, but he's back at Berkeley. This is what kids are watching. That's why I want to set up the context of... Well, I hope that the youngsters are watching this, because it's very interesting filmatically. Please. Oh, no, I have no complaints. They should take courses. All right, you can get out. I just like that he's so resistant to the whole interview. The guy keeps trying to extract an answer. Nope, not at all. I don't care. I can show up and he read my lines. What do you want? Yeah. His thing is you just do it natural. See, just do it natural. And he played this character, Bill, who was sort of autistic or something. You got an Emmy for it, and he would do it. We'd be eating lunch. He goes, yeah, I could do it. You just do it. Here's Bill. You know, hey, I'll unlock some food. He was like... He was certifiable. I could see that. I was the number one star in the world. Hear me? Bang. I like he's already bitter in that glow. Did you see that Twilight Zone? He was in... Oh my God, it was fantastic. It's such a... It's a... Be careful what you wish for. He's a jockey and he's desperate in this hotel room. And he wants to get bigger. He wants it not to be a short... Short or short. Yeah. He wants to get bigger. And I guess he gets drunk. He falls asleep and then he's so big he can't get out of the room. I'm too big. I'm too big. Oh. He goes, kids will like it. He goes, they're not going to like this fucking shit. I said to the ones, how did you date all those starlets of the Evergardeners, all the knockouts at Mickey Rooney? He goes, who was the best? And he goes, you'll never know. You'll never know. And I go, but how did you get them? He goes, money makes you handsomer. He made up a word, I think. Money makes you handsomer. But he was certifiable. But I think bitterness would kill him. Live to 95. Love it. Incredible energy, just a pistol. Love it. You want to challenge me? This fireplug will take you apart. He referred to himself as a fireplug. He reminds me of my dad. Okay, let's do one more. And Danny's got to get out of here. Oh, the guy builds a custom submarine to take his parrot scuba diving. Interesting. These don't end well, these stories. Now, you know what? Also, the parrot just probably thinks he's drowning the whole time. Like, we don't know how they process things. They don't want to be under the water for your amusement. Oh, I see what he did. Yeah. Can he tell if it's yapping or did it say anything? Parrots like, is it Shark Week? I don't want to be down here. Don't like games. Supposed to be on land with air. Fuck you. Get fucked. Fuck you submarine. Arr, pull me back up. Arr, joke's over. That's a nice run. I hope you're happy. I shit my pants. You go to Toledo. Arr, nice hop to Pittsburgh. This is an, if your agent is a parrot. Hope you get a lot of clicks. It's not worth it. Guess you don't like money. Guess you don't like money. Dana doesn't like money. Dude, it's a great hook. Making noise. Say what the parrot says, then do another noise. Yeah, you have to in between so the audience never forgets that you're doing a parrot. You have to go, mrrr, I'm a parrot. Now I can say anything I want. You know, full school 20 years ago, mrrr, parrot talking here. Mrrr, mrrr. What does Pierce Morgan think about this? Mrrr. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Here he goes. That's stick number 48C. So you two have made another podcast. Did you, did you actually think it was entertaining? That's debatable, but I thought this one was pretty good. I was laughing a lot. It sort of ambled along, you know, with jokes. You laughing at your own jokes. You think the audience finds that entertaining? I think, I mean, yeah, if we're having fun, I mean, I guess that's good. I guess that's your whole idea rather than the entertain. As long as you have fun, everyone should be happy. Is that what you think? Well, I do think that. So now I'm rethinking it because you're making me feel like it's not right. Hey, come on, leave him alone. Oh, no, isn't another guy, oh. I thought it was a good show. I liked it. Sneaky Obama came in. It was a good show, good show. President Obama, why am I so much taller than you at this time? I don't know about, uh, God bless America. All right. That's good. I do like Pierce Morgan now. That's funny. He was really pressing me on that. Well, I like the rhythm. I'm starting, I'm starting to come onto it. It's always him at the end. Is that, is that what you think? I like it because it's really a good observation. Like, so this is a show in your mind. Yeah. This is what you want. Is this your thing? Busboys, opposite, Lord Michaels. Is that sort of disrespectful? Two gentlemen falling in the dirt over and over. Because he's got a polite thing, but it's, it's very, you know, appointed. So he's good at what he does. Yeah, he is good. I do think it's funny because he, he gets shit on two sometimes. Oh, he's funny. All right. I like, I like Pierce. Well, I hope you had fun with us, Dana. I hope you thanks for coming. I thought it was fun. I mean, you know. God, we did long. Jesus, Christopher. Oh, I guess we got ourselves a two-parter. Yeah, bustin'. Don't be mad at my hair. I like, it looks cool here, right? All right. Thanks everybody. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us review, five star rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Matty Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet-Tex. Booking by Cultivated Interest. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. We can email us at flyonthewall at audisee.com. That's audacyi.com.