Andy Dick | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Well, yeah. Because you look younger than me, which sucks for me. Well, you're 60? Mm-hmm. I'm 70. Oh, okay, wow. Yeah. So I always looked up to you. I get it now. Well... But I really always did. Remember, I was always so excited to be on your show when I was on your radio and you had your little shows. I mean, I know you've been through the mill and put yourself in the mill and we can get to that. I love working at a good mill. But from the beginning, you always were like, when you were there, you were one of the best as far as a comic actor. I don't like talking in the past like was one of the... You know, I still feel like I am. Well, then do something now. I'm trying. Yeah. No, you're still very employable. In fact, it's a great story. This country fucking loves redemption. Thank you. They suck its dick like it's Harry Reems in 1978. I got one. Danglin' right here down in my knees. So look, we can... We're doing that. They've been shooting this movie on me. They're here now somewhere. They wouldn't let them in. You guys wouldn't let them in here, which is fine. Shooting a movie about you. Me for six years, over six years. It's called The Little Angel Clown Who That Cross. But that's not something I'm talking about. I'm talking about get apart. Do what you do. Yeah, yeah, you're right. I agree. I agree. Well, I've been talking to Paulie Short about doing... No, because that was my first big fucking studio movie, really big movie in the Army now. Oh, oh, oh. You forgot. It's so long ago. Of course. But it was Paulie Short and I. Yes. And I thought, what if we did in the Army now again? Because we're at the same kind of war now that that movie was about 20 years. Isn't that interesting? And we should write that movie and we could be generals or... I don't know why. You should. I shouldn't. But you should. It's somebody involved in your life. I'm not sure I was crazy about the first one. No, I know. You know, I mean, but when you were on the Ben Stiller, that's my Andy Dick of all time, because that was a tour de force every week. The first one of the show itself. I watched it fairly recently, like six or seven years ago. Maybe 10 years. They showed it on some cable channel. I don't know. I don't think it was that, but maybe yes it was. It was two beer, plued. No, no, I think it was pre-that. It was regular old cable TV. And boy, did they stand up. And boy, did they fight. And you and Bob Odenkirk and Sarah and Jean-Yoruf. You know, they talk about the Mel Brooks, you know, that Woody Allen writer's room. This was like a little that. I mean, it was a real 27 Yankees. And you know Judd Apatow. Of course. The head fucking writer. Yes. And he and I, so I've had a falling out with all of those people, but a coming back also. So I've been like, with me, they're like, oh, no, they'd be, and you know what I think that's all about. It's about they don't want to be, they don't want to touch me. They don't want to be, if I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. No, it's about you've demonstrated a million times that you're a crazy drug addict. That's what it's about. Let me tell you something. And what's the problem? But you don't seem like that at all now, but you're going to have to prove that. It's been a while since I've done drugs. Even Smoke Potto's going to ask you about that. What about the thing on the sidewalk recently? Well, I was like three, four months ago. Well, that's a long time ago for me, sir. I got to say, job one, we've got to switch this attitude. That's a long time. That is not a long time. That's a short time. That's the first. It was about five months ago. Okay. As long as we're counting in months, we're so losing this battle. Yeah, yeah. We got to think long term, like forever. Yeah. Like is that where? And you know, by the way, I thought I was smoking pot on the curb with people. But is this how your mind works? Yeah. Because you have been in a while. I'm like, somebody was smoking out of a glass pipe. I said, is that pot? They said, yeah. But it wasn't. And they were strangers. And I smoked it. And it was fentanyl. It was fentanyl. And I promptly died. Do you know that? I didn't know that it was fentanyl. Well, yeah, yeah. I just was so flushing. There's so many ways I should kick you in the nuts for even posing that as my problem. Left or right. Let's go right. I have to shift. Let's not roll over this. Let's go right back to don't smoke strangers pipes. True. True that. No, no, it's really, I shouldn't have. Here's my important. I think I was trying to escape from, by the way, I was. I was escaping from the guy who's here now doing that movie on me. So I was trying to get away because they don't let me do anything, have fun or drink or anything. And I just ran across the street because they were all in a restaurant. I saw all these guys gathering around on the curb, smoking. I'm like, I'm going to smoke some fucking pot. Ran out, ran across the street. Like, that's how I sounded. And I sat on smoke and died. And you were escaping your handler. If you want to call me handler, is they, some of them have handled. You were just escaping reality. I always am doing that. Okay, but so this, that was my question. This is important question. Okay, I'll come with me. Like you, because you with the three or four months, five months, it was a long time ago. Is that where your mind always is? Like you really don't ever think this is going to be permanent. It's just a period in the cycle where you're sober, but you just know, and you're not even going to therefore have fight it that hard. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm so glad I asked. Your question is so long. I could have said yes very earlier. Is it true? Much earlier. Well, yeah, I'm not, I do not, if you're asking, am I going to stay sober for the rest of my life? There's no fucking way. And I would never want to be, would you? No, but I don't take it to the end. No, but with you. No, but I don't want to. No, but I don't die on the sidewalk. Okay, that was, it's called the fentanyl mishap. But it's not that, it's not that, I know this just from when you were at my house. Do you remember that party where you left all that broken glass in the back? Yeah. I apologize. And I didn't leave it, I threw a beer bottle, which is retarded. And, but it was into woods, there were tons of woods. I didn't even know it was your property. No, you were, there were trees, like we all have trees in our yard. Looks like woods. You were tripping. So, I have a fucking tree or two. That's all the redwood too. So what was it? Woods, yeah. We were deep in the forest by my pool. It seemed like it to me. In Bel Air. Wait, it was rustic. It was rustic. Yeah, it was nice. Anyway, I don't care about that. This place is nice too. But, what are you doing? I have all these notes for you. Notes. Oh, I have, I wrote a five different limber. I've never had someone come here with notes. Well, I have, I wrote some limberings in the car on the way here. Oh, wow. Yeah. You know, this isn't Fallon. What does Fallon do? They make, I mean, you know. Yeah, this is like a show where you just try to get to know people, we reminisce. This is a show where we, yes, I tried to make it almost, or completely exactly like how we would be. And I feel like we've achieved that so far. I mean, because I really do like you and care about you. And you always thought, you know, always that you were a giant talent. And like, and charisma. I mean, no matter what you do, people will care about you until the day you die on the sidewalk. No, no, not on the sidewalk. And you can laugh at yourself, which is a great. It's really not funny, but you're right. I did die. I was like, okay, but don't do it again. Charisma, I was listening to that hidden brain on the way here. Okay. Shankidin Dengdeng Radhankan. The Indian guy on KCR. His name is what? Shankidin Dengdeng Chimalama Radhankan. The Indian guy. I am Shankan Radhindank. And he has a whole thing on charisma. I was listening to it on the way up. And there was, oh, interesting, because there were different types of charisma. Charisma. But you said? I thought you said, charisma. Is that a different variation? You said it. I messed up. No, charisma. Maybe that's like a feminine word. Charisma. Maybe I have a little charisma. Well, I always thought I was inherently gay. And that's, I thought if anybody reads gay, it's me. It really is. But you've never thought about that. Oh, thought about it? I've certainly never been tempted to do it. But you know, people are. You thought, you thought like, what would it be like? And then you get grossed out. Yeah. Yeah. I can understand that. If I thought about it, I get grossed out. I don't think about it. I just go far. But you're like the ancient Romans. That's so. In many ways. You wear a cape. I mean, a cloak. No, you, the Roman civilization did not make a large, nor the Greeks, nor Alexander great, the great, the Macedonia. They did not make a giant, strong, bold line between what we would call gay and heterosexual sex. Yeah. It was just sex. It was just sex. And it was just, if you're cute. And I mean, Alexander the Great, I don't think would have thought himself gay. He was a Streisand fan. We know that. But other than that, I so am I, and I'm not gay. But you know, his lovers that we know of were his generals. And you really don't know if you're gay. Because you never tried it. You never went for it. It was so wrong to you. It was so like, you can't do it. You can't do it. It's so wrong on every level. Politically, you're very political. Right. I read that about myself. Yeah. You had a lot about that in here. But, okay. You know what I mean? You can't be gay. You want to allow yourself to be gay. I feel like you're shading this more toward the more current view, which is that it's more of a social construct. And I am of the opinion that, no, I couldn't be more supportive of anyone who wants to be whatever they want to be. But there also is a default setting for humans, which is built into our biology, because that's how we make babies. And nature wants us to do one thing above all, make babies. Yeah. Right. And we can't make one, Andy. We can try. No, no, no. I'm just kidding. But, yeah. You remind me of, you know, like all, like Jack Parr and Sid. And who's the one I'm thinking of? I'm complimenting Steve Allen. Steve Allen. Did you like him? Steve Allen was my original mentor when I was... Oh, in real life. In real life, yeah. Wait, you were, you knew him? Oh, very well. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you really embody him. Yes. I mean, for people who don't remember, I mean, I don't remember. He was the host of The Tonight Show. Yeah, he was the original. Yes. It's like there was an audience. Yeah, there was no one. You don't let anyone even be in the way. That's the genius of this. But I'm acting like there is. There's no one here. It's just us. It's just us. It's frightening, oh my God. That's good. But he was the original. Yes, the number one. The original to The Tonight Show. He was the original. Johnny Carr is the original. In the 50s. In the 50s is the first one. I was in born when it started. Right. Okay, that's where I was at. Right, he passed it towards this guy, Jack Parr. He passed it to Johnny in the early 60s, and he lasted 30 years, and then Jay Leno, and that's the history of The Tonight Show. Right. But Steve Allen, this is the 80s. So he had long passed when he was hosted The Tonight Show. He did have other talk shows, but he never achieved the kind of success with the talk show outside of those first few years when he invented it. That Johnny did, that Leno did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was kind of, I mean, by the... But did he do? He did everything. You know, he was a jack of all trades, which was part of his problem. He was a songwriter, and he was a poet. And he wrote a million books, and he did Vegas, and you know, stand up. And, uh... So cool. Yeah, but it was... And kind of political, so you really are like? And not political. Listen up. Huh? That means you. Yes, you. We know you're pointing at yourself. When it comes to party power games, we've got a place made for all sorts. From the experts to the drama queens. It's made, the JC. The finance bros. Look at those stokes, lads. We'll stick with slots. It's what we're good at. Not forgetting you. Yes, you, the one listening. Because at party power games, we've got all sorts of games for all sorts of trickles. Eligibility rules and terms and conditions apply. Please come for us, possibly. ATEMPLUS, CamelAware.org. Did you know the average employer has to sort through something like 250 resumes for one job opening? 250. 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Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And now, you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash random. That's ziprecruiter.com slash random. Meet your match on Zip Recruiter. But you're not political, but you have political views. Well, I'm very political. Oh, you are. You've ever seen my show? So, like, who did you vote for? Oh, God, you know nothing about me. I don't. Oh, that's so interesting. Because I'm not political because I'm, like, dumb politically. Because you're passed out on the sidewalk is why you're not political. That's why you... Oh, so there is somebody here. Someone laugh behind one of those whole columns. That is my worst demographic, by the way. That guy laughed? But that's hysterical. Yeah, no, the show is very... It just crapped on you or laughed. The show is very political. But you're... Your other show, this one's not. Right. This one's not. Exactly. This is why I did this one, so it doesn't have to be. Yeah, so you can listen up. If it goes there, it goes there. Yeah, and I'm not political, so I was trying to, like, I'm asking you to teach me... I will. ...what's going on. I will. So Trump, so, like, who? Okay, here's how I think of Trump. He is a corrupt... And don't forget I had that thing with his daughter, on Jimmy Kimmel. What do you mean, a thing? I touched her thigh like that. Which? Her bare thigh on Jimmy Kimmel. And it was a big controversy. These are my... Ivanka? Yeah, Ivanka. What year was this? It was before he was president. Otherwise, he would have kicked me out of the country. He would have. And you were sitting next to her on the couch? Yeah, because I was the first guest and she came on. I wanted to stay. Right, but you're supposed to stay. Yeah, I think... You move down the couch. Yeah, I moved down the couch. And I was right next to her calf. And I just... We did something crumpled. You're touching her? Like... They were shimmering. Oh, they were just there? No, no, but she had, like, this makeup that had glitter. And I'm like, why are your legs calling to me and they were shimmering? And I just... I thought maybe it came up in conversation or it was a joke, but you're saying no, just like an animal. They were shimmering, yeah. Just like an animal. Like a raccoon to a shiny object. You saw... Yeah. As long as we got that straight. Yes. Just that. And then the... Okay, you can't do that, Andy. You can't... Tell me all the things I can't do. You can't do that. You can't. You can't. Well, dad. Okay. If you had me when you were 10. I didn't know you were 10 years older than me. Did you have a rough... I thought we were the same age, like the exact same. Did you have a rough upbringing? Can we blame it on that? Yes, actually. It was rough in that my dad was in the military. I think you know this. He was a Lieutenant Commander on a submarine in the Navy. And so we moved almost every year. Every year... Oh, that is tough. Yeah, that makes it tough. But it makes me like, I have to be on. You know, if I'm going to be friends with anyone, I had to, you know, be... And they'd all come to me. So I was a constant... I didn't want an audience. I always was the person that... Tell me, who's this little faggot? Right. You know? And then I had to be like, hey guys, I'm the new guy. Right. And it was really... That's interesting. Horrific. Every time I'd be plopped into a new school, I was petrified. And it was all over the country? All over... And Yugoslavia. Because I... I lived in Yugoslavia when I was 12. What part of Yugoslavia? Zagreb, outside of Zagreb. Oh, that's Croatia. Now it is. Yeah. Yeah. I remember they've been through a bunch since then. Since I was 12, it was Yugoslavia when I was 12. Yeah. 1976 and 77. Were they nice? I think they were with the Nazis in the war. But if I don't... No, what there was a... I'm not mistaking... No, it was... Not holding a grudge for ever Croatia. No, Tito. But I mean... Tito was the... Tito was Yugoslavia. But that's where I was. Yes, I understand. In Yugoslavia, it was Yugoslavia at the time. And Tito was the president, not the dictator. He was the president. And then it all got bunched up. And before I was there, it was Serbo Croatia. Yes. And then also Govinia. I learned about it when I was there. Yes, Yugoslavia was... How was their one year? It was a quilt of six different countries. There was where Milani is from, Slovenia. Luka Donkic also from Slovenia. Oh, how interesting. And there was... Yeah. Well, that's interesting. And then when I'm touching... Was I touching Milani's daughter's leg? No, Milani is not Ivanka's mother. Oh, okay. Well, they have the same kind of name. I started at the beginning. The president is this guy Donald Trump. Oh, yeah. And he's a show host. No, he wasn't. Well, I mean, the apprentice. Oh, that's right. Now you're really crap. It was a game show. Yeah. But you know, that's where America is. And you know, I mean, we have a complicated relationship, both myself and the country. Do you think you would ever run for president? Of course not. Because you would be afraid to lose? First of all, I'm seven. Because you don't want to be the president. I don't want to be... I'm too old to be... Too old? Is that too old? Okay, I know you look so young, given that you drink and smoke so much pot. I... Want to hear one of my lyrics? Limericks? Yeah, oh, yes, yes, I do. I'll sue him. Oh, yes. You've spent all this time on that, see? Okay, here's something on a note about me, that my teeth are in the middle of fixing them, so that's why I'm not smiling along going like this. Because my teeth, literally, if I smile, it looks like the before picture in the dental implant commercial. You know those commercials before and after? Before dental implants, they look like this. I'm not going to show them. And then after, they look all nice and white. See, this is why we have to get you working, to fill your hours with Cano. Doing something constructive. I'm just talking. You know what, I need to construct my fucking teeth. I need dental implants. But here's the thing. Get something going. And quickly, okay, there was a man named Bill Maher. He quickly became quite the star. He was politically pointed, and he drank and jointed. And had to trade in his car for a bar. That's why that one's okay. It was off to a great start. Yeah, Bill Maher was a politics schmooze who loved his pot and booze. When asked by Dick if he could have a slick, he said one lump or two. Bill Maher knew the Andy Dick dance and asked him on his show by chance while Bill drank and smoked. Andy just joked and surprisingly never took it out of his pants. No one doesn't. That's just, it's a joke on me really. But that was kind of clever, right? It is. And we have to, you know, I mean, you know, you can't give in to the haters and the people who just always want to find something. And people who frankly just don't have a sense of humor. And, you know, most people do, you know. They do. Here's another thing I'm sure you missed. Oh, first of all, one thing before, Biden, he was the president before Trump, and he was like super old. And that was the big issue in the campaign. The big issue. You knew this. No, but I, no, because, you know, I don't know politics, but every time he would talk or whatever, I'm like, how is he running the country? Then it had to be explained to me that he's not. All the people under him are running it. And he was just a weird, like old man puppet. Like one of the guys in the balcony of the Muppets, those two old men in the balcony, he was one of them. Like, I couldn't even talk. Well, Andy, this truth's, in this pile of dirt, you just dumped on my driveway. There's a few little nuggets I could do. At least it wasn't broken glass this time. I believe me, it was one of those things where I was like, oh, you know what, a guy named Dick made a Dick move, and everybody already thinks he's a Dick, and now I do too, and I never thought about it again. I'm trying to apologize and make up. No, I'm just saying, and that lasted like a week, and ever since then, it was never in my brain. I knew that you were a guy who was trying to get better, and you know, people have, you know, like it kind of breaks my heart a little when I hear you say, you know, like, no, please, I'm never going to not go back to the drugs, because you know it's a rush of new let, and at one point, you're right. Yeah, but it's not that I'm going to go back to the drugs. I don't want to, I do have a thing in my head and a promise to myself to not go back to any white powder, any white powder, because that was the thing, I saw white powder, I thought it was cocaine. Not cocaine, it can be fentanyl, it can be meth. It can be a lot of different things when we crust up. So what are you going to stick to? Now, what is this? Pot. Yeah, I could smoke that. I'm allowed to do whatever I want, by the way. Of course, you are allowed, you're 60. I just, I feel like a terrible enabler, but it's like, please, if it's not me, I mean, like you couldn't get pot somewhere. I can't. You know what, if you just would stick to pot, but here's what I'm saying, it seems to me, as we're doing something now, I'm enjoying myself immensely. I think you, okay, so, but see, this isn't an issue for me. I enjoy life. You, I do. Me too. Okay, but if you can enjoy life. Some people should grin. I enjoy life, they're the one. But if you can enjoy life like this, then why do the, then why smoke somebody's fucking crack pipe? You know what I mean? That was a mistake, because I was trying to get away from those people I was with. The only way to do it was to smoke a stranger's pipe. Well, I just wanted to go smoke some pot. I really thought it was pot. I didn't know that we were in this world of, I heard, I had heard this was like, fentanyl's kind of new, and I didn't know you could smoke fentanyl. I thought fentanyl was an injection. It's about as new as knowing Biden was old as new. You don't know anything. You're like, you're like, you're like the guy in the movie, remember the Peter Sellers movie being there? Yeah. You do? Well, yes. I mean, that's, you see, like, for you to redo that is actually a brilliant idea. It's a good fucking idea. You remember that movie? Yes, I do. It was so celebrated. And that's my favorite actor of all time. It's so iconic, and you could do that. I remember seeing it as a kid and not liking it, like it was boring, but I mean, I think the only thing that could stop this from being a big hit is insurance. See, can you get in? Funny thing. Yeah, that's a good question. Okay, and that's, you have to work on that. We're working on that. Just be getting bonded and sure. You have to rehabilitate your reputation. Oh, no, I know. And then you can get, but people are done. That's why I'm doing your goddamn fucking show, dude. Well, this is the rehab show. We rehab people here all the time. You do? Yes. I love doing it. Like who? Army Hammer, Roseanne, Kathy Griffin, Charlie Sheen. Well, how did you rehab them? Anybody who's like, oh, you mean like, oh, because they got ousted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, by people. We call it canceled now, Grandpa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, when you were around, it was ousted. Dude, I don't know if you know that in kids. I go, oh my God, I hope I'm not going to get ousted. Was that the turn back then? No, no, I'm just. No, I think I just came up with this. It's actually better. Yeah, it is, yeah. But you write canceled as the word term. Canceled, and the thing is, is that, yeah, they try, they have tried so hard to cancel me. I'm uncancellable. Well, if you can't work, you are canceled. I mean, if you can't do the move you want to do, that's kind of the definition. You're right, but I'm working on that. Okay. Right here in this fucking seat, that's what I'm doing. Right, oh, I'm glad you're here. Well, I'm glad you let me. You know how many of them won't. Oh, no, no, no. Well, of course, I guess. Well, that's what cancellation means. I know. But I'm not fully canceled. That's my point. There's a point. Not fully. The doors cracked open a little bit, and I will slip my scrawny ass in there. I love making you laugh. I love it too. I love making you laugh. It's why I love this show. I just sit here and laugh with people. So, wait, who was your last guest or your last couple, the one you can think of right? Pope Francis. Not the actual Pope. No, he's not even Pope anymore. Oh, but you had him? But I didn't. Yes, Andy, the Pope is sitting right there. Well, you never know. He had to put his hat down. It kept hitting the ceiling. But no, I mean, we have, it's called Club Random. It's, it's, it's, it's could be anybody. Ziggy Marley was here last week. That's who was here last week. Really? Wow. Yeah. And he was speaking of Smoke and Pop. I'm allowed to smoke Pop. No, he didn't do it. Oh, he didn't? Is he sober? Which was one of the fascinating things about that interview. Because no, it's apparently it's a, in the Rasta tradition, because it's quasi-religious. Yeah. You know, therefore, like you don't do it, like just with anybody in any situation. It's having fun. I even said to him, if I joined the religion, will you do it with me? But he didn't take me up on that offer. I guess they're not that desperate for converts to Rasta. But what would you have to do? I guess you might have to give up a baby. You know, a Catholic, you know, just sitting around and taking communion. Which is, you know. Well, you're taking communion? No, I'm Rastafarian. Wait, no, you, wait, you, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you hardcore Catholic? I'm hard. You still, you know. That's why I'm hard. That's because I'm on the show. But wait a minute, do you go to church still? No, I'm the world's most famous atheist, you moron. Oh, I forgot. Jesus Christ. My memory is slipping. Or if you ever knew. I'm not insulting because you don't know about anything. No, I know, I won't even remember if you insulted me. I had the Hawk 2 a girl on. She knew more. Who? The Hawk 2. You don't know who the Hawk 2 a girl is? No. Did she go, yeah, she was just spit on someone. Well, she described it and it went viral and she just became this enormous celebrity for 10 minutes. She was talking about, you know, I mean, it's sad in a way because... Why? Well, because... Did she spit on you? No, no, no. Who did she Hawk 2 on? No, no, she just described how you needed to do the spitting sound to do a good blow job. And what was sad is that we turned kids out of high school and they have no other skills than knowing how to suck a dick. I mean, it's just we've let our children down. You've got kids, right? Yeah, and grandkids. Grandkids, isn't that something? How old are the grandkids? Well, I was just with the little list. There's two grandkids, one coming in a few months. Oh. Out of my daughter. Can you say that phrase out of my daughter? Well, I assume, yeah. All girls. All my grandkids are girls. And they're little? Yeah, one of them is about one or two and one of them is between one and one. One. This means zero and one. Well, I don't do I have to know their fucking exact age? I know I have three. There's still one. One come two and a half, one coming. There's still babies. Yeah, they're little babies. They have babies and then your kids. I can bunk kick the middle one real good. And do you take the kind of special glee that we see so often? I'm asking sincerely that we see so often in American and anywhere in the world. People, grandkids. I mean, it really is. Look, someone who never got married and hasn't been anywhere near. That's what I get sad for you about because you are missing out. I actually could cry because it really is the sweetest fucking thing. No, you don't for real, Ralph. You know, when my granddaughter sees me and any of the two right now and the third one coming, she immediately beams up, smiles and will even laugh. And there's nothing better. Did you have that with your kids as well as the grandkids? Yeah, I still have that with my kids. Really? But usually they're laughing at me. But no, I have that. My kids and I... They're all good relations? Yeah, yeah. But there's been a... So they don't hold... They've taken, they've like, no, he's not even my dad. They do that? They never really said that, but it's gotten to that point. I'm asking, do they just send themselves from you? They have, yeah. And one of them is... Publicly and privately or just publicly? Both. Both, yeah. You know, in a lot of ways you're lucky you never had kids, but I would say it's way luckier to have. It depends on your personality. I mean, there's no... But you have the personality that a kid needs. This fucking, excuse me, America and every kid in America needs a you. You need, you know, you're not to... You're only 70. It's about, it is the cutoff point. You can still get a hot young girl who's smart, cool, young and young to you would be 40. I have it. And she doesn't want kids either, so it's great. No. What about the dog? Lots of black... Nice little black cat. I don't know what's funny. That is so racist. I have a black boyfriend, you could adopt. Do you have a boyfriend? I have people I see, but can I tell you something? Can we talk about sexuality a little bit in terms of my sex? My sex life in terms of my dick being dead. Now, is that happening to you because my dick is dead? I can't even masturbate. So I'm looking at those ads they have for testosterone boosting. And she liked that. Do you do that? No, of course not. Well, I have to do some fucking thing or give up sex altogether. No, I just think sometimes you need a reboot. First of all, you need to get clean. I guess you are now, right? Yeah. Don't you notice? And I'm not taking medication. I mean, good. Except baby aspirin, because they say it's good for our hearts. You do know that the illegal street drugs you did, there's always a... What? That I did. I accidentally did the fentanyl. Okay. I wasn't doing illegal stuff, I wasn't running around in tents while I was... Let's not have a debate on whether you did drugs in your past. Okay, let's just... I'm not looking at the tent. So, but there's always a counterpart that's the legal version. There's the... You can go to the MacArthur Park and get the... Exactly. What do you call it? That's what the blue tent is. What do you call it? A horse? The white lady? Is that what you call it? That's what we do down at the white lady down at the station? Are you a slave to the white lady? The harron. But you want some harron? I mean, cocaine is out of role. They don't even have cocaine anymore. Why is that? This is when I need you as a political type person. That's what you are. A political type person. Exactly. You're on the money. Yeah, you're a political type person. You know what's up. You know, you already told me because I asked you. You're not going to run for anything. I think that's ridiculous. I think you should. You'd be helping us. I might run for the door if you touch my calf like you did a monster. That's it. I'm not allowed to touch people. I know there's a bunch of rules. Andy, none of us are allowed to touch people. I think that's weird. Well, it's not weird. Yeah, it is. I think that we should be able to hug. It has to hug. Yeah, but it has to be both. Producer. Both of them. May I want to end the video? Yes, and we're friendly. We're normal human beings. Yes, and we're processing the claims now. Anyway. Andy, it has to be a... Where do I sign? It has to be a... I'll sign with my dick, bastard. It has to be a mutual thing. No, I know. I know that. I guess you're right. I see what you mean. No, I've heard... You're right. Let me just say this. I have heard people make the case. I'm not going to name names, but... But it's not me. But it's not you. Okay. But I've heard people who have been accused of being way too handsy on the set, shall we say. Yeah. And the excuse I've heard more than once is, I'm a hugger, and I just want to say to them, you know what, let's try this experiment. If they hug you first, then feel free to hug. And let's see how that works. If you're not always the one in this game. That's a good one, because if somebody hugged me first, I'd be weirded out, because nobody hugs me. But that's what you're doing to them. But I see what you're saying. If somebody hugged me, I'd be weirded the fuck out. But I don't... I think we're making so much progress. But that's the thing is that people come to me with open arms now. You're pretty... One of them, both of them. We're like... I hugged... Did I... Yes, we're... Okay, okay, we like you. Thank you. I don't... You need a hug. You know what? I don't need shit. This show that I do, this podcast... How does it go? I do it because it's going great. It is. And I do it because I love it. I wouldn't ever have anybody here I don't really want to talk to. So perfect for you. I don't need... That's so cool that you have me. I really appreciate that. I'm playing with the house money. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. And you have a bunch of it. You do. Well, you do. You know, we're sitting in his guest house, which is bigger than the fucking... No, it's not. This is not the... Sober living that I'm living. This is not... You know, I'm living in a sober living. Oh, I had a great idea. Oh, wait. No, I'm not. I had another great idea for you. Yeah, you know. Besides redoing being there. Which is so good. You would be perfect. And my director's in the other room. He's gonna... You have to demonstrate your sobriety first. But here's my other idea. You've heard about Mickey Work lately. Know what happened now? Because he and I used to... Hang on a minute. Let me tell you a couple stories about him. He and I had a fucking great time in the 90s. It was like right up into the 2000s. He was a very good... I love that fool. I did... In my apartment in, I think, downtown LA or West Hollywood. And he was... He was banging some girl behind my couch. And I was watching TV. And I remember him getting up from behind my couch going, I'm almost done. And going back down and... Okay, that wasn't your apartment. It was Mel's diner. And it was in all the papers. So I don't know... No, no. He's kidding. But what happened to him? What's something bad? Well, he was Joe Biden's running mate. The country wasn't. I can tell you anything. I know, because I don't know anything. I believe everything is static. All right, after the spaceships landed. Here's what happened. What? Biden pulled out of the race. Because they said, we need somebody younger. Then Mickey Work... He did not. No, Mickey got... He was living in a house that was not a good-looking house. Not a good looking house. He was not doing his thing. And he was photographed not looking well. Well, he's older. He's not looking... Okay, okay. ...looking worse than both. We look good. And there was a story, and I think he refuted it. I guess somebody started a go fund me so that he wouldn't get thrown out of this shitty house he was in. And then I said, I don't need your money. And he got thrown out of that house because apparently he did. My idea, you and Mickey Work... I love him. ...in half a second. Start a band. You know, something, something in the sidewalks. What was that movie he did that's one of my favorite movies ever? Not Barfly. What is it? Uh, Nine and a Half Week. Oh, he was in that one? Pope of Greenwich Village. Both of them. And then there was another one about a bar with a girl from... News Radio. That's not a movie. Oh, that's you. Hi. Mickey Work. I knew that. I was testing you. But not Barfly. We have to look this up. Mickey Work. Well, Mickey, Mickey had a great... He was nominated for an Oscar. He's, his debut was in Diner. No, it was the one, the punching one. The punching one. Okay. Nine and a half weeks. Mickey Rourke. Wow. So many firsts. The first... Mickey Rourke movie. Would it be funny if he got on the phone now? Your phone thinks that you're calling him? Yes. Why don't you call him? I don't have people's numbers anymore. Somebody went in my phone recently. What do you mean, somebody? I don't know who. Okay, well... You've done so many fucking movies. You know, they get to the place where, and they, meaning even me, where you just do any fucking movies. But, gee... Somebody wants to do a movie. You're like, final do it. Here's the difference between you and me. He was in the Expendables. Remember that? I would never say the sentence. The wrestler. That's the one I'm thinking of. Somebody went into my phone. Who? There's such a personal, private, important thing. You're following... But I'm not like you. Like, if you want to look at my phone, and he handed it to you in a half a second. Why? If you ask, because you ask. Don't do that. And I can't even look at it. But how can you have nobody's numbers? Why don't you go to write my photos? How can you keep... I want to look at my photos. How can you keep friendships if you don't have people's numbers? Maybe sometimes I... That's how I keep them. I don't... Look, sometimes people are so afraid. I'm not afraid, and I really like you. And I would love to give you my burner phone number. Oh, okay. You have one? Here. I don't know how to show my pictures. I'm trying to look at... Oh, here. Look through my pictures and see if you find anything fun here. Okay. Well, that's a man's ass. Anyways. Because... Okay. What am I looking for? I don't know. Just look at any of my pictures. This is... Oh, is there a man's ass in there? No. There's a pregnant lady with a very tall guy. Oh, that's probably my daughter. Okay. Oh, and now just two people. And you got like a million... This is your daughter? She's married to this very tall guy? No. Oh, my daughter. Who was that? That's him. Well, she's sitting down. No. She's sitting down. He's very tall. They are standing. Okay. All right. So great. I'm so glad that you're... Oh, get down. Proud of your kids. That's important. You know, you want to earn their love again, don't you? Isn't that a big motivation in your life? Mm-hmm. Would you say that was a big motivation? Okay. No, I'm going to get out these dolls. You show me where you were touched. But you didn't have an abusive childhood, right? I mean, we'd say rough, but... You're talking about that where I was talking. Sometimes I remember when I got my first colonic. Is that what you're doing? The guy in the back laughs. I've already found all the weird things. That's not real. Is that what... I got a colonic because allegedly if you'd cleaned out the pipes... I do it. You're healthier. Is that what turned you gay? You like that? No, no, no, no. I've never been F'd in the B. Really? Never. Now, there's a scoop. I know. I put that tube up there to clean me out. I had this weird panic attack. Like, I freaked out. And it was almost as if am I having some kind of PTSD flashback type situation for something that happened to me as an infant? Because it had to have been because I have no memory. And even when it happened, I didn't have it. Well, I mean, Freud and Erickson would say that what happens in the anal stage, which is zero to two. I mean, there are stages. This is old book psychology, but I think it's probably still true. Certainly the anal stage. You don't have actual memory of it, but very... When you're first pooping? Yes, exactly. Zero to two. Like, how that was... Oh, okay. That makes sense. How you were treated. You know, did your mother let you lie there in your own shit? Or did... No, but you know what I think did happen? I think she wiped my butt too hard. Like really trying to clean it. Because she was taking... Weirdly, I think that too. Dexterity. Really? About me or you? About you. Jesus Christ. But anyways, she was taking dexterity and she's on speed, you know? How do you know that? She told me. She was on prescription speed. When you were born, do you think she was high? When you were in the wolf? Well, but I was adopted, remember? You were... I don't. Oh, you were adopted. I found my biological... Who were the wolves who raised you? No. They were good. They're both sad. So laugh it off. Do you know... Do you know... Horrible man. I am. Do you know who your real parents are? You do. I waited for my mom and dad, who were really my mom and dad, because they raised me. They raised me and then they died and then I'm like, now can I find out who these other people were? Can you? That had me and I did. Was it hard to find? It was. I had to pay money, I had to get lawyers and I found my mother first. Lawyer? And then my mom didn't want to give me the name of my dad because there was something that was involved that was... They can talk about it. I'm not going to talk about what happened when I... Why, how I was conceived or whatever. Do you understand what I'm saying? You can put two and two together. But then anyways, finally sent me a letter with an envelope inside the envelope with his name and number on it. That's fucking weird. And I called him and he's my biologist. Are you following me? Yeah, I'm listening. And then I got in touch with him and he hung up the phone and said, I don't have a son. And hung up and went... Do you think he did it if we... Well, he didn't know. He didn't know who you were? He didn't know he had. What? He didn't know he had any baby. Oh. So it wasn't... He got pregnant, didn't tell him, went to an old other state all the way across the country from one state to another. So he didn't hang up. Had me and then never told him ever. I was the first one to say, hi, I'm your son. Can you believe not to put yourself in his shoes? Yeah. He hung up. I don't know what you're talking about. He has a taxis. He's from Texas. Fuck you. I don't know who you... Can you believe that? It's so real and true. Well, I mean, it's a terrible way to handle it. But... Well, he didn't know and he thought it was a joke. No, I think... Not a terrible way. We... He's gonna go, oh, let me hear more. That doesn't sound like he thought it was a joke to me. That sounds like he thought, I'm an old coot and I got this comfortable life and I don't need this big complication. Yeah, that might be it. I mean, maybe I fucked up... You might be right because I think she did tell him. If I fucked up 60 years ago, sorry, I don't even know that guy anymore. Okay? That was some... Maybe more. He never did. Okay, no, I'm talking about himself. Oh, right. I don't remember who... 18-year-old me. Yeah, and he... Me is. Me was 18. Yeah, well, I'm sorry. They were the kids. They were kids. Sorry. They had me. Right. Sorry for... That's how you know I had good genes because they were young. Well, I'm a good... But that's... I'll see. At least he didn't hang up because it was you. Right. He just hung up because it was somebody. It could have been anybody. Corey Feldman could have called him and he would have hung up. I'm sorry. I don't know. How's he doing? I was gonna say... He's not certainly in the category of you and Mickey Work. He's actually quite successful. He's doing good. Yeah. But I think a band like that, of people like that, could do very well. Yeah. You, Mickey Work, anybody else? Well, instrument would you play? I'm not in the band. No, no, I'm not... I would play... Where's my little thing? Does I have a... Oh, my God, look at you. Well, I have an instrument. Who knew that you would be the most prepared guest we've ever had? They would take my briefcase away. What do you want? Wait, wait, wait. I have... I play the slide whistle. Yeah, I'm glad they took it away. No, I mean, I love the slide whistle. Who doesn't? I mean, to me, it's just Enya, Yanni, and the slide whistle. And I'm out. Anything else? I'm like, well, maybe, you know... I'm sure they'd say Enya. I was just listening to Enya. Really? You listen to Enya? I love Enya. Enya is very talented. I mean, there are some things... There was something on her... Who knows? It's very... No, some of it is very... Enya, no, she lives in a castle. No. This is what I saw. I subscribe to her Instagram. Her Instagram, her real Instagram. Oh, so you're on Instagram, and you know who Enya is? Well, I love Enya. She's great. And so you are... She lives in a castle by herself, never married. She's likey. Dude, oh my God. You and Enya. Oh my fucking Jesus, dear Lord. Sorry to take your name in vain. Please, dear God. Please, in the Catholic Church, if you could... If I'm an ordained minister, I could marry you. Please let me marry Bill Maher and Enya. Is Enya Irish? Yes. I'm Irish. I'm getting chills up all the way up my back. No, I mean, that's not... Dude, she lives in a castle that she owns. She lives with 30 cats. Yeah. Do you like cats? No, that doesn't sound good. You're gonna have to deal with the cats. She's still beautiful. And a cage. And she lives in a castle that she owns, like you. Well, first of all, a castle. Think about it. I'm not telling you to answer. I want you to think about it, too. This is actually a really great idea. On the way here, and for no reason, Enya came into my Instagram, and I was looking like, what's going on with her? I was... Maybe nuts on her. Maybe we were here to put good ideas in each other's minds, you know, but I think mine are better. I think you doing being there... Well, then I'll marry Enya. ...is a great comeback. I'll move into the castle. But no, you've got to commit. It's a show, Oria, because I have to pee anyway. Oh. Um... I can hold it. How long can you hold it, or do you want it? Twenty minutes. Imperfect. Okay. But... What else do you want to talk? I'm just interested in you. What's your day like? Now that you're... Well, I'm living... See, I can never know who I'm allowed to talk about, you know what I mean, based, you know, because of them. But I live with... And... Well, I'm living with an ex, who I'm actually married to. A woman. Oh. Yeah, you like that. My second... Yeah, my second baby mama. Oh, cool. She doesn't like that phrase. Right. That title. Sure. Second baby mama. First of all, baby mama alone. And then second baby mama. You're really crapping. Like, she's my wife. How do you like that? Do you like that? Does she like that? Who knows. You can't call them anything. Am I right about that? Well, no. You can't say anything. Well, you can say... She's the one I love the most. Okay, I can say that, which I really do. I do love her. Oh, really? I love her. You think that's your soulmate? Proud. One of them. Are you allowed to have me? Well, that sort of negates the point. Well, you're one of my soulmates. Well, not sexually. Well, great. No, but, you know, we're basing that on a very brief amount of intercourse. Social intercourse. What do you think I meant? But any woman who gets with you is going to know that sometimes... Yeah, I was so fascinated to hear you say you never had sex in the naughty place. Never. See, when I think gay, that's what I think. Sex in the naughty place. Yeah, exactly. And you don't think of me when you think gay. You don't think of me. No. Because I'm not. Fuck no. Jesus Christ. Just shut up. No. I'm serious. Don't think that. I'm a top. Have you heard of that? Oh, you wish I thought that. Yeah, well... No. But so that just leaves oral. I guess that's enough, huh? I have done that. Only they want it. I don't. I don't even want it to be done to me. It has to be done right, or it's just not worth it, is what I would say on that. I guess. That would be my... Pronounce when... I'm trying to stop you. I'm trying to help you out. That is my pronouncement on blowjobs. It has to be done right, or it's not worth doing it all. There are any girls out there that can do it right. It's kind of how it sounds. I know, but it's not because I'm arrogant. It's just because we all have our own... I remember some of your girlfriends were actually getting into it. Preference. I think... No, everyone in the world has the right to think the same way. And I think everybody else does think the same way. I don't think so. I think people get... I don't like a blowjob, and you do. You just said, I don't. You know why I don't? Because I had so many in high school. So many. Everybody was sucking my dick. Really? All the time. Men and girls? Yes. Really? You were that popular? If that's the word you want to use... Well, it's certainly a word that would not apply to me in high school. No one was sucking my dick. Well, it's popular. I don't know if that... I just... I was very sexual. That's the word I would use. I was very sexual. I was looking for it. I wanted people to suck my dick. Of course. Again, all do. But what I'm saying is, like, some people... You weren't popular? No. I was popular, but only because, like I told you before, I was plopped in a new... I was accidentally popular. That's what I was trying to get to earlier. I moved to a new city, a new state. I was the new guy, and I was like, Who's that guy? So I was, like, accidentally popular. But that's even... Do you understand? I do. It's more... I'm like, okay, suck my dick. It's even more impressive that you... I had the captain of the football team sucking my dick. You got strangers to do it. Like, you think, you know, if you're doing the school system since... I don't like the word stranger. It's like new friends. We were all kids. We were all young. Teenagers. I think there is a difference between even just our 10-year difference. I think there is a difference between me in high school in the early 70s and you in the early 80s. I do. I think there was a lot more of this kind of stuff. There was? Yeah. I would think there was a lot more in the early 70s. If they was, they were not inviting me. Can I ask you a personal question? A personal question? Were you like short and little and diminutive? No. Like a little kid? I was average like I am now. Just 5'8". But then you just weren't very sexual. I was very sexual. My libido was high and I was looking for it. I was a magnet. I think I had... I smelled like a pheromone. I was beyond sexual. It was just all happening with my hand in my bedroom. See, I didn't learn how to masturbate. The guy had to teach me how to masturbate. That's preposterous. It's real. I was doing it... I didn't even know there was such a thing. I didn't even know there was such a thing as coming. I was doing it. A friend said, let me show you, let me show you, let me show you. I'm doing it to you. Look, ghost-like. And then I'm like, what are you doing? And I was like, what was that? That happened to me. Boy. Oh, okay. And that was in high school. The way these AI videos make it look like you're jerking me off. It's just ridiculous, folks. You know, you don't know what's real, folks. That's all I'm saying. Have you heard about the war? Did you see that? Yes, I heard about it. You did! I saw those drones. You heard about it? Are those real? Yes, I know. I saw those drones on the way here. I saw all those drones. They make them make a whole, like, sword. There was all these different swords. I mean... How do they do that? The Chinese? Check it out. Well, it's the Chinese, and then it's apolical. Neither one of us needs the trouble. I want to film. Great to see you. So good to see you. Thank you. Give me a hug. Oh, oh. All right. It's so much better. Now, remember all the things I said today? No. We made a lot of progress. We did, didn't we? And those lyrics are hysterical. I mean, it just shows... I want you to finalize. When you, like, have something to do with your mind, you can do great things. Imagine if you put this energy into a script. You should go home and watch Being There. Yeah, you're right. Do the old Peter Sellers movie, and then start thinking about... You're right. How you could re-do it. There was a couple other ones, but they might be... Those were... You have a real gift for that. I just wrote them in the car. Now, can I have this cup? Yes, you can have it. That's $5. No, I'm not. You're gonna pass, buddy.