"If I End Up Dead, My Husband Did It": Part 2

The following program contains names, places and events that have been anonymized or fictionalized for the purposes of protection and safety. The following program is provided for entertainment purposes only and any commentary from the hosts are strictly conjecture and should not be held as making any definitive statements about the truth or identity of any particular individuals or circumstances. If you or a loved one are involved in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support. Happy dating detectives Monday! Hi you guys! We are back! Hello! Hi Hannah! Hi Hannah! I'm so excited! I know. I'm not super excited, but I'm always excited. I shouldn't be excited. I am excited about our live show. You guys, we are... Yes. Oh my God, our live show is coming up and it can't come soon enough. I'm so stoked! If you haven't heard, we are doing three live shows, one in Chicago, and I know some of you have already gotten tickets, and then we have one in Orlando and one in Tampa! Woo! We're in Tampa! All of the dates are below and all of the tickets are on sale. It's going to be so much fun and what I love is that at least based on the first show that we've done, not only was the show really fun, but it also got to be intimate. We got to meet pretty much everybody and just like really hang with you. So that's July is Chicago and then August are the Florida dates. Yes, August 5th and 6th and we hope to see you. Thank you so much for your support as always. Like I always like to start with gratitude and just say thank you so much for listening to our show, for supporting us on the Patreon. If you're a Patreoner, we love our sleuthies so freaking much. We just want to tell you how much we are grateful for you. So thank you. And this story is a tough one and I want to extend that gratitude to all of you who have already said how much you love Hannah and how much support you're sending her way because she is really bearing her soul to us and every one of our guests is brave for sharing the story, but they all come in with the intention of wanting to help people. So we've got part two reminder that there are some definite trigger warnings, rape and domestic violence and talk of suicide. It's a heavy one, but she is safe and okay now and here to tell the story. So that's really a good spoiler where we left off. If you haven't listened to part one, go back and listen to it. So there's a lot, but for a refresher, he said he was going to the movies with his friends and she is coming back to talk to him because she does not believe him and I have a feeling she's right. That's intuition. Her intuition is very good in this whole story. There are moments where she's like, this is a tough one, but I got to give it to her. Hannah did amazing and I'm really, I'm proud of her trusting her intuition. Let's get back into it and let her tell the rest of the story. We were texting the entire day just arguing except the last two hours of I worked, I just didn't text it back and I get off of work, I clock out and I look at one of the girls that I work with and I literally looked her in her eye and I said, if I end up dead, my husband did it. Oh my God. And she kind of like laughed and she's like, what are you guys arguing? And I said, I'm being serious. If I'm dead, he did it. And I walked out to the parking lot of my job, I get in my car and then all of a sudden my car door opens and it was him. He drove to my work and was waiting for me to get off from work and he got in the car and he was like, we're going to argue right here right now because we're not about to argue in the apartment and have people hear us screaming and call the cops. And I said, I'm not going to argue with you here or at the apartment because while we were arguing and texting before I stopped texting him, I told him that I am going to come home, get a duffel bag, pack a night bag and stay the night in my mom's to de-escalate the argument. That's reasonable. Yes. And when I told him that in the car, I said, like, I'm saying that in my mom's tonight. He's like, no, the fuck you're not. And he got out of my car, slammed my door, got back in his car and went home. I followed, went home, got upstairs for our apartment. I went into the walking closet and I was reaching up, getting a duffel bag and he grabbed a hold of my ponytail. Oh. And he ripped me down to the ground and my legs swung around and it hit the wall and it made the drywall come off of the wall. And I landed on my wrist and I know for a fact I sprained my wrist, but I never got it looked at. And then I'm on the ground, absolutely stunned that he just did that. And he picked me up by the sides of my arms and he squeezed them so hard that I had fingerprint bruising on both sides of my arms. And at that point when he drugged me to the ground, I was in the bathroom. So he picked me up from the bathroom floor. He was holding me by my arms, making me walk backwards back into the bedroom. And then he shoved me on the bed. No. And I sat up and that's when I got mad. I said, what the fuck are you doing? Why did you just fucking do that? You just hurt my wrist. And then he like got on top of me and put his hand over my mouth and he was like, stop fucking yelling, stop yelling. And then he took his hand off and I started yelling again and I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you doing this? And he put his hand over my mouth and he was like just screaming in my face, like shut the fuck up. Let me explain. Let me explain. And so I did. I stopped because it was just going to keep going. So I sat there on the edge of the bed holding my wrist while he explained to me, I honestly, I disassociated for probably 80% of it. He saw me holding my wrist. He walked into the kitchen as he was still trying to give me a speech and talk to me, got an ice pack out for me, came back in, handed me the ice pack, you know, like held my arm out for me and held the ice pack on it. Like, I'm sorry that I just did that. I didn't go to the movies with her. I was with my friends. I swear, but you just keep breathing down my neck trying to get me to prove to you that I'm with friends and just, you know, telling you that you caused this reaction. So again, I just was like, I was like, okay, like you start to feel so hopeless. I mean, just absolute hopeless. And again, in my soul, I'm like, this is, I'm not doing the rest of my life like this. This cannot keep fucking happening. So the rest of November happened and then December hits. So now we're 14 months into our marriage because this is December 2025. And it was December 18th. He was working out of town and he texted me at like four o'clock and he was like, when I get off work in a few minutes, when I go back to the hotel, I'm just going to sleep. I'm so tired. Instant, instant, did not like that. So I was like, okay. And I, here I am trying my absolute hardest. Like we're still on a couple of therapy. I'm still trying to build my trust with him, even though he's laid hands on me twice now. I'm trying to give him benefit of the doubt, even though he doesn't deserve it. And so he gets back to the hotel and I have his location so I can see he's at the hotel. But then something inside me was like, you need to look at C Snapchat. And I hadn't looked at it in a while. Just like, I don't know what it is. Just like, like, your femtuition. It's insane. So I looked at it and she had posted a picture in a restaurant and she tagged the restaurant. I clicked on it. The restaurant is 10 minutes from the hotel. He's at. Oh boy. So I get dressed. I hurry up and walk past our living room. The living room camera doesn't keep the recording. You can only watch it live. Oh, so. Hurryed up. Rush past. He wants. Yeah. Ran past it. Ran past it, got to the entryway hallway where the living room camera can't see me. I get on the Ring Camera app and I disable the camera app for five minutes. Like I said, a timer on it to be off for five minutes and then to turn back on. I leave and I start driving to the hotel. That was two, two and a half hours away. And I had turned my location off and I start driving and I'm like 20 minutes away from the hotel. All of a sudden he texted me and he was like, I'm going to come home at night early. I just want to be with you. I want to hold you. I'm leaving the hotel now. How are you? And in my head I'm thinking, in my head I'm thinking, how the fuck did this mother fucker know that I was on the way? You think he knew? Well, the only thing I can think of is when you share your location with somebody, at least for iPhones, when you share, because I've seen it happen, when you share your location with somebody for such a long period of time, when you eventually, if you turn it off with that person, sometimes it will still ping for just a second. And you can see it, but then it'll go away. And I think that's what happened. And he just happened to look at his phone. Yeah, it's like, how often is he staring at the ring and your location? It sounds like he stalks you. That's so scary. I see on his location he left the hotel, so I hurry up and I hit a U-turn and I'm only 10 minutes in front of him. And his car is faster than mine, the type of car. And his driving is faster than mine. And I still hadn't answered him at this point. I had turned my read receipts off, so he didn't know that I was reading his text messages. And he calls me, calls me, calls me, calls me, calls me, and I don't pick up. And at this point, he called me 28 times and then he texted me and he said, if you don't answer my next fucking phone call, I'm going to hide your plane, this car, because it was raining out. Of course, I answered the next phone call and he said, why were you on your way to the hotel? What are you doing? Duh, duh, duh, duh, whatever. I took a risk and I called him on his bluff because remember, I never made it to the hotel. I said, why did I see her car parked next year at the hotel parking lot? That's when he was like, I didn't know she was there at first. I swear to God, like when I saw her car there, I was like, oh my God, if Hannah saw that, she'd freak out. But he's like, I didn't think that was her car. And I didn't know that she was actually here until I saw her in the hallway. But when I saw her in the hallway, I saw her with another guy. She's here with another guy. I said, you expect me to believe that she is two hours away from home at the exact same hotel at the exact same time that you're at this hotel with a different guy. Born yesterday. Like this is so, he's so dumb. Delete Me makes it easy, quick and safe to remove your personal data online at a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everyone vulnerable. So Delete Me does all the hard work of wiping you and your family's personal information from data broker websites. And if you don't know, data brokers are basically a group that collects your public information and they compile it into a list that makes it easily accessible for others to obtain and they charge for it. So basically it's all your information that you don't think is out there. I'm talking your name, social security number, people that you work with, who you work for, everything, your address, literally everything. And your privacy is worth protecting. Take control of your data. Keep your private life private by signing up for Delete Me. Now what a special discount for our listeners. Get 20% off your Delete Me plan when you go to joinedeleteen.com. slash datingdetectives and use promo code TDD at checkout. The only way to get 20% off is go to joinedeleteen.com. slash datingdetectives and enter code TDD at checkout. That's joinedeleteen.com. slash datingdetectives code TDD. Starting something new isn't just hard. It's terrifying. So much work goes into it and it's a piece of yourself, especially if it's a new business. I started random self-defense classes because of all of the stories we were doing here. And as it was people were coming, I was like, should I make some merch and donate the profits? So I did and I use Shopify and I highly recommend it because I was not sure what I was doing. And now I have some cool hats and shirts and stickers and bags that are very easy to buy. And some of you have gotten them. But Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US. So that's household names like Aloe, Magic Spoon, Heinz, Mattel, have you heard of them? But when you get started with your own design studio, there are hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. And it's so efficient, whether you're uploading new products or trying to improve existing ones. There's a marketing team behind you so you can get the word out. And best of all, Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you get stuck, Shopify always has 24-7 customer support. And it's just so great to tackle everything in one place. It's time to turn your what-ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash dating detectives. Go to Shopify.com slash dating detectives at Shopify.com slash dating detectives. So then we're back and forth arguing over the phone and it's torrential downpouring. And I wasn't wearing my glasses and I'm supposed to wear my glasses when I drive at night. And I'm like, listen, we can talk when we get home because I need to focus on driving. So I hung up on him and just to make sure her house was on the way home because I had her address. So I drove by her house, confirmed that her car was not there, and I pulled over in front of her house and I messaged her and I said, listen, if you're still messing around with my husband, I said, please let me know. Because if you are, you can have him. Yep. And then I drove the rest of the way home. So I get upstairs, I start to get ready to take a shower. I just have a towel wrapped around me. And then all of a sudden he comes inside and he starts screaming at me that I'm ruining our marriage. I'm the one that isn't putting any trust in him and I'm the one that's holding us back. And I said, okay, this is your absolute last chance to show me your phone. I need to see your phone. You need to show me that you're not messaging her. And he pulled his phone out of his pocket and was shattered. He shattered his phone on purpose when he was outside. Yeah, on the sidewalk before he walked in. So then I kind of like, I didn't laugh. I guess I did laugh. I would have laughed. I kind of was like, I was, you know, an exasperated laugh. And I was just like, of course. And then he ripped the shower curtain down as I was trying to get in the shower. I still hadn't gotten in the shower at this point. And I put the shower curtain up. He had walked out of the bathroom. He kept walking back and forth from the bathroom to the second bedroom, to the living room, just yelling and started calling me names at this point. And what he had really done. Honestly, I don't remember. Like I just remember being like, this is a never ending loop of abuse and putting up with this shit. And I just wanted, I just so wanted to be done with everything. And I wanted clarity. I wanted C to message me back. That's what I that was going through my head. I wanted her to message me back and give me clarity. Yes, and we're still talking. No, we're not. So I get in the shower. I remember getting my whole body wet. And I had already, I put the shower curtain back up, came back in, he ripped it down again. And then I put it back up. And I put soap on my body. Then he came back in, you ripped it down again. So that's three times now. So I left it down. And I finished my shower and I get out. At some point when I was in the shower, he threw his phone towards me while I was in the shower glass shattered everywhere in the shower. Ew. This is a lot of hole. Yeah, I picked his phone up and I threw it through the bathroom bedroom door and threw it on the carpet. And then I get out of the shower, put the towel around me, put the shower curtain back up. Notice that there's blood on the shower curtain. I'm like, is that my blood? Did I get a cut? And then he came back in and he goes, I just fucking punched a hole in the TV. I was like, Oh, that's your blood. And then he had punched a hole at some point when he was walking back and forth the back of our bedroom door. And you're still kind of shut down. It sounds like like you're just seeing this. Yeah, I wasn't speaking. Okay. Yeah, I wasn't speaking to him. I got dressed, gotten bed. He took the stool from the kitchen island. He sat it in the doorway of our bedroom. And he goes, we're going to talk. This is going to get resolved right now. I said, I'm not talking to you. And I turned the light off and I went to bed. Were you scared at all? No, I should have. I probably should have, but I went to bed, woke up. At that point, he had taken two weeks of PTO. He said he always did that around Christmas time. So he did not have to go to work the next day, but I did. And he had already scheduled a service tune up for his car. So I went to work as normal. And he had an Apple watch, so he could still text off of his Apple watch. So I went to work as normal. The dealership called me and said, Hey, when you drop his car off here, we have a loaner for you. Do you want the loaner? And I said, yeah, that's fine. So I remember that he could still text off of his Apple watch. But before I texted him, I looked at the living room camera and he was sitting on the couch and I could see him already texting off of the Apple watch. And I'm like, well, he's not texting me. So who are you texting? So then I texted him and I watched him, literally ignore my text. So I texted him again and I said, answer the fucking phone. Do you want the loaner or not or something like that? And he was like, yes, whatever. So I leave work on my lunch break. He gets in my car. We drive in silence over to the dealership. He gets the loaner. And I know this pissed him off. He was trying to act on normal and lovey-dovey while we were signing the papers for the loaner in front of the guy. And I like wasn't having any of it. And I just, he gave me like a look that a dad would give his kid, like you better fucking knock it off type of look. But I didn't give a shit. I didn't care at that point. So anyway, it's the loaner, goes back to our apartment. I go back to work. I get off of work, come home. And that is when I just let it all out. I go into our bedroom and I just start bawling my eyes out to myself. I started doing laundry to occupy myself. He comes in the bedroom and like clockwork. I'm so sorry. I can't believe that I have caused you all this emotional trauma. I blacked out last night. I don't even remember half the things I did or said. I woke up this morning and my knuckles were all scabbed. The whole spiel. He's like, can we please go to dinner tonight and talk it over and just start fresh, please before Christmas. I know you love Christmas. Can we please just please start fresh? And I'm like, sure, whatever. So we go to dinner. And at this point, I was feeling a little bit better because C still has not messaged me. So I'm like, okay. So I was feeling a little bit better about the whole situation even though I really shouldn't know. But I was because you think that means that they're not together when she's so huh. We go to dinner. We talk over dinner. We're at dinner for like two hours to the point where the servers are like looking at us like, all right, like y'all are done eating, get out. So get out. And like, I know that feeling because I'm a server. So I was like, okay, we need to leave. So he's like, why don't feel like we're done talking? Let's ride around in the car for a little bit and just drive and talk. Like, okay, cool. So we're just taking a night ride. We pull over a gas station, get snacks and drinks. And we were just taking a night drive for like the next two hours. And what are you talking for four hours? Just beginning to end of our relationship, how we felt about each other at the very beginning, where we think it went wrong, what he thinks is his problem, why he thinks he does what he does, what we're looking forward to in the future. Like, it got to a point for some reason. I remember this, we talked about when we have kids, are we going to tell him Santa Claus is real? Was that encouraging to you? Like, you feel encouraged? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was just inching his way back in with genuine conversation. And was his excuse once again, his childhood trauma for all of that behavior? Of course. Yeah. I mean, so then by the time we get home, I'm thinking like, all right, well, C still hasn't messaged me, but she read it. I saw that she read it. She opened it because I messaged her on TikTok. So I'm like, okay, maybe she's pissed because and I hate this is disgusting, I'm going to put it and I don't mean it this way, but she's probably pissed that I won him. Yeah, I know. We know. I hate to put it that way. But and so I'm feeling good. We get home, probably not TMI for your guys's channel, but we have like the best sex and intimate time together that we have ever, ever, ever, ever had sex. He's like whispering in my ear. I'm your husband, you're my one and only, I'm your one and only. I will never hurt you again. You're my wife, you are everything to me. And just great night. Literally, we fell asleep, him holding me, and I don't think we moved the whole night. We woke up in the same position and woke up. He made us breakfast. We're sitting on the couch together eating breakfast. And I was like, we need to finish Christmas shopping for your family. We need to go out and get some gift cards. So we get ready. And we're sitting, well, before we start getting ready, we're sitting on the couch and he was like, he's like, I think we should both change our phone numbers. And I was like, I'm not changing my phone number. You can change your phone number though. I encourage you to change your phone number, he was like, what if we just like move and start over? Would that make you feel good? And I'm like, no, I don't want to move. I don't want us to move, like actually move forward because I explain to him it feels like every time we take a step forward, there's 20,000 steps back. And I just want to keep the forward motion, not go backwards. I'm so excited to share that our podcast is sponsored by the real world's largest and most trusted source for authenticated luxury re-sale. Hannah and I love the real world. They add over 10,000 new arrivals every day. And I shop and sell at the real world, which is great because then you can use your earnings to buy more stuff or use it to pay bills or whatever. But it's really, it's really cool. It's a really great way to consign luxury pieces and find luxury pieces and save yourself. I go there first when I'm trying to dress for a specific thing. I've got a wedding coming up and I've been looking at the real world because I'm like, I want something specific. I want something cool and like I trust them, you know, anything that they're selling, I trust that it's gone through that intense process that they have where it's like, they're not going to sell it if they don't think it's worth it. And I like that you can obviously change the condition, the price, the like there's so many ways to specify it based on what you are looking for. And it's just really easy and everything is that I've gotten there. Like, I'm looking down at my saison tote. Got that from there. I love it. Yeah, selling is really easy also because they do everything for you. So they do the photography, the copywriting and shipping and pricing and customer service, you just sit back and get paid. And there are over 42 million fashion lovers on the real world. So I'm telling you my items sell super fast. The real real is the most trusted name and authenticated luxury resale with over 10,000 new arrivals daily. No one does resale like the real real get $25 off your first purchase when you go to the real real comm slash dating detectives. Plus this may only you can get an extra $200 to shop when you sell for the first time. That's the real real comm slash dating detectives. The real real comm slash dating detectives. As you guys know, we have a live show coming up in Tampa and I can't wait to do the show, but I also can't wait to come over to your house. Mackenzie, your pool. I would like to be outside at your pool. And I was kind of, I feel like I've been part of the your journey because you renovated the pool. We had, we had the pool put in and then of course I had to decorate it. And that's where Wayfair comes in, which is why I'm so happy they're advertising on our podcast because I got so much good patio stuff. And the outdoor items over at Wayfair are just incredible. I didn't know there was outdoor rugs like that for decoration, like your living room and throw pillows for the outdoor. It's I'm obsessed. No matter your vibe, they have everything. They really do. I was able to find something that fit my style, but there was a lot to choose from. It was wild. I really love that there are reviews and filters to narrow down what works for you, your style, your budget, and they have like a bunch of visual tools to help you find the right fit. And not just rugs, outdoor seating, grills, major appliances, storage, patio lighting, decor, Wayfair is the one-stop shop for everything home. And there's installation and assembly services. Get prepped for patio season for Wayless. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Then we talked about the gift cards and we got ready. We go. We get gift cards. And then on the way to the next place we were going to, I said, you should probably swing by the apartment and grab your phone so we can go to T-Mobile and see how much it's going to be to fix your phone because he fucking shattered it. Yeah. And he's like, oh yeah, you're right. You're right. So he pulls back into our apartment. I stay in the car. He goes upstairs to go grab his phone and I get a text message while he is in the apartment. And it is C. And she sends me undeniable proof of her being pregnant. But she had a miscarriage. Oh, no, also. What does she say? Is she angry or she just like, I want to tell you the truth? She said I was just with him two nights ago. And she also sent me a picture of the same table with the food on it that I saw. She got proof. But him in the picture. So she sent me that picture and then she sent me the literal documentation with their names on it from a doctor. So legitimately it's not like forged. And I'm looking at this and he gets back in the car and at this point I'm shaking. I'm so mad. And in my head, it was over. Like it was officially, I know that I've said it was over like three times before this, but I was like, this is it. He sees me looking at my phone. He sees, I remember physically my hand shaking with my phone in my hand. He's like, why are you shaking? What's wrong? And I show him the picture of him at dinner with her and I said, what the fuck is this? And he does not break eye contact with me. I can, I literally see his eyes just like a fucking glaze over like a shark. It's unearthly the way that I saw him. Like, there was no whites in his eyes. It was just fucking pure black. He doesn't break eye contact with me. He locks the car doors and puts the child lock on and he throws the car in drive and he takes off with me in the car and I screaming at him. Let me out of the car. Let me out of the car. I want a divorce. I'm leaving you. We're done. We're done. Like this is it. This is absolutely it. You are about to fucking have a baby on me. I'm your fucking wife. How could you do this? I'm divorcing you. He's screaming at me. You're not fucking leaving me. The only way you're leaving me is in a body bag. You are not fucking. Oh, yeah. You're not leaving me. You're gonna let me fix this. You're gonna let me make you happy again. Then he tried to say like, I couldn't tell you that she got pregnant. I had to keep talking to her because she was going to use the miscarriage as black male to keep me to talking to her and being with her and all this, this and that. And I said, I don't give a fuck. We're done. We're done. And I think that's when he truly felt he lost all control and he knew I was done because that's when he started going over. So at this point, he's on the highway and we're going over 100 miles an hour and the one time you want to cop to fucking see you. There's no cops around. And he kept acting like he was going to jerk the wheel and wreck us. Then he reached in the backseat of the car and got his gun. No. And he said, I'm gonna, he said, I'm gonna shoot myself in the head and then the car can wreck itself. And who knows if you'll fucking die? Multiple times he said the thing about the only way I'm leaving him is in a body bag. This is so fucking scary. If I ever get into another relationship, he's gonna ruin it. He said that we can stay together. He'll change jobs. We can move away. We can change our phone numbers. I mean, just so, just so much. And I'm, I'm proud of myself because not one time did I agree with him like, yeah, you're right. I'm not divorcing you. I just kept saying it. I said, no, I'm leaving you. I said, I'm leaving you. We're done. We're done. We're done. We're done. We're done. He ended up driving and holding me hostage for two hours, driving all through Kentucky, back up to Ohio, back down to Kentucky, back up to Ohio. I just was like, how am I going to get out of this? And at one point I was crying, looking out the window, trying to get somebody to see me. Oh my God. And he grabbed my chin and made me look at him and said, stop fucking looking out the window. Somebody's going to call the cops. And then that's when I was like, okay, I have to tell him I have to pee. So I'm like, I have to pee. You have to let me out. And he fucking hands me a cup and was like, you can pee in this. I was like, I'm not paying that. You need to pull over or you need to stop at a gas station. He said, if I stop at a gas station, you're not taking your phone inside. I said, okay, that's fine. That's fine. Take my phone. And I said, I said, but don't fucking break my phone. And he was like, I won't just don't touch it. And then at one point when we were in the car, he made me block C's number and block her off of all social media. But little did he know, I already memorized her phone number. Because he made me like block it. And then somehow I forgot, I don't know how he made me do it. He made me block it, but then delete it. So I didn't have any trace of it. Because there's like a folder of lock. Yeah, really gone. So he pulled over to gas station. And he said, if you're not out in two minutes, I'm coming in to get you. And he still had his gun on his lap at this point. So I left my phone in the car, I get out. And I go in the gas station. I did go pee. And then I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, how I just remember looking at myself and like, how what, like, what the fuck is life? What, what the fuck? This is movie lifetime type fucking shit. This is the shit I watch for entertainment on true crime documentaries right now happening in real time to me right now. Like this is fucking insane. So I get out of the bathroom and the way he parked the car and the way the gas station was set up, he could see the entire front counter. So I'm like, if I try to ask for help, who knows if he's going to come in here with the gun and shoot me, shoot himself, shoot somebody else. I'm not about to bring other people, innocent people into this. So I just walk out and I go back to the car. I get in the car and he says, if you would have been another second, I would have went in there. And I looked at him and I fully accepted my fate. And I said, if you're going to kill us, just do it fast and do it now. And I said, can I call my mom before you do it? Oh my God. And he didn't say anything to me. And he just drove home. And we were maybe like 10 minutes from home. And then he finally started talking and he said, I know I fucked up, but I'm going to fix this. You're going to let me fix this. You're not leaving me. You're not leaving me. I didn't say a word to him. And then he parks the car at our apartment and he doesn't let me get out myself. He gets out of the car himself, walks over to my door, opens the door, grabs my arm and guides me inside. And our apartment was on the second floor. So we start going up the stairs and we're on the middle landing before going up the second set of stairs. And he puts his hand on my chest and he backs me into the corner and he says, you better not fucking scream when we get up here. And then we go up the stairs and he has the keys. And if I would have tried to run, it wouldn't have mattered. Like I look back at the ring camera footage and you can just tell that I'm just so depressed and hopeless on my face. Like there's just no, there's no fight left. And so he opens the door and he goes in first. And then I remember him looking back at me, like, get in here. So then I follow him into the apartment. And I guess I was just starting to disassociate. And the gift cards we had gotten earlier were on the kitchen island and I got envelopes out and I put the gift cards in an envelope. And I started to write who they were to. And I put the pen away and then I go into the bedroom and I start to take my shoes off. And he's following right behind me. And I turn around and I said, this is not going to be the rest of our lives. Whether I leave you tonight or I leave you in six months, I'm leaving you. We are done. I want a divorce. And that's when he starts screaming at me. We're not getting a divorce. You're not leaving me. Tell me you're not leaving me. Tell me you're not going to divorce me. And he backed me into between the wall and the bed on my side of the bed. And I remember he was like, you have one more chance to say that you're not divorcing me, you're not leaving me. And I said, no, I'm not saying that. He pushed me on the bed. He got on top of me and he straddled me. And he put both of his hands around my throat. This is really fucked up. But as he was doing it and just like the look on his face, I remember thinking my mom and my best friends are going to have to pick out what flowers are going to be at my funeral. Like that was one of the things I thought about. That must have been so awful. I can't even imagine. I can't explain the feeling of scaredness. Like I'm going to die. Like I'm, this is it. I'm dead. I'm going to die. And then he had let go of one of my wrists and put it back on my throat. But I was able to wedge my knee and leg in between us when he did that. And I like, kneaded him off of me. And I stood up and I was bent over coughing, trying to catch my breath. And he said, you have one more chance to say you're not leaving me. And I'm like, coughing. So I'm not saying anything. And that's when he came up behind me, put me in a chokehold. And I blacked out and I was probably out for like seven to 10 seconds. And I remember coming to him not kicking, kicking me in my back, but like kicking me in my back saying, stand up, stand up. And I crawled over to the bed and I thought to myself, if I don't let him think he's in control right now, I'm dead. I'm dead. So he sat down in the chair that was next to our bed and I disassociated and he gave some five to 10 minute long speech. And I didn't catch anything he said until the very end, he said, I'm going to go stay at a rest stop tonight. I understand if you want to go stay at your mom's. And then he walked out the door. A little did he know I had, before he got me out of the car, I grabbed my phone and it was in my pocket. And when he walked out of the bedroom, I waited like two minutes for him to not come in. I got my phone back out. I put in C's number. I said, please send me absolutely everything you have about him, everything you guys are, everything that happened. He just tried to kill me. And she just starts sending me hundreds of messages, screenshots, call logs, photos, videos. And I absolutely knew that if he were to come back and I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut about knowing everything, I'm dead. So I peeked my head out into the living room and he wasn't there. He left. Like he left the apartment. I didn't know where he went. I didn't give a fuck. That was the moment where I'm like, I need to call the cops. I have to call the cops right now. So in fear of him coming back before the cops got there, I left the apartment and I went to the jungle gyms. That's like kind of across the street from our apartment, which that's a grocery store. And I called the cops. They came. They were absolutely amazing. In the middle of me telling the cops what happened, I got a ring notification. And it was him. He came back to the apartment and he was only in the apartment for maybe a minute and a half, two minutes. And then he left and I hurried up and I told the police. And he ended up getting in the car and driving a little bit. The police ended up pulling him over on the exit. That's to my mom's. So he thought I was stop. And he went inside to grab my wedding rings and his gun. That is so scary. And then I didn't know it until I got done with the police. When I came back to our apartment, when he was also inside of our apartment, he unplugged the living room camera. So I feel like what would have happened? Yeah. So then he was arrested. And this part, I'll try my best not to cry. This part always gets me. The cop said something about when you go to court on Monday, you need to do XYZ. And I'm crying and I'm like, what? I said, this is just a question. But what happens if I don't go to court on Monday? And he turned around and he said, if you, if you look through my eyes, he said, if you don't go to court on Monday, the next time I see you, I'll be zipping you up in a body bag. Oh, wow. That like, you would think I would obviously know the seriousness of the situation, but that's the first time that a third party has been involved and said something like that to me. So that's when it really, really, really hit me. It's hard. It seems like really harsh, but y'all, that's it. He's not wrong, right? Like, he's not at all whatsoever. So I called my best friend, told her she needed to come over and I told her everything that happened. And then I started to message C. And that is when her and I started to dissect the absolutely convoluted fucking story that he gave both of us. And that is when she sent me absolutely everything screenshots, videos, pictures. And now I'm going to go ahead and go through all of that. So he started off with telling her because she did not know about me whatsoever until I discovered that he was cheating on me back on May 15th. At first, when I discovered that he had cheated on me and then she found out about me, he had told her that we were getting a divorce unbeknownst to me. Yeah, like, well, I have to mention it. So, but then he changed his tune, remember, when I saw that picture of her at the hotel and I said, I wanted a divorce. Yeah, well, what do you tell her? Then, because he told me, like, no, no, no, I don't want a divorce. He turned around and told her because she's bisexual and is okay with poly relationships, we're going to be a threple. He told her that. Oh, again, forgetting to mention that to you. That you're a threple now. Yeah, so that's fucked up. He had gotten her pregnant at some point either in May or June, and she ended up miscarrying in July. And while she was miscarrying, he told me that they were having this huge argument over text. And she was like, I bet Hannah would be here for me. Why aren't you here for me? Like, literally. And I had, like, yeah. Yeah. So at that point, she thought that she was still thought that we were in, like, a poly relationship, I guess. Oh, boy. But without ever speaking to me in a way that I knew. Why do you think she never reached out to you during that time? I think deep down she knew that he was flying. Because come on. So he had gotten her pregnant and she miscarried. And because she miscarried, he felt so guilty. Remember when I told you I was getting my nails done and he was at Petland? He co-signed on a $5,000 dog with her. So he was late picking me up from the nail appointment because he was too busy signing all the paperwork for the dog. Oh my goodness. What? Summer's almost here and there's a lot of travel coming up for me. All good things, but it's definitely a time where I have to watch my wallet because it's easy to get overwhelmed and spend too much. But Monarch is making that so much easier. And I'm always preaching about how financial freedom is one of the most, if not the most important things, not only for everyone in relationships, but I do think women specifically. It changes everything. And the world is not built to make it easy. Monarch is. It's the personal finance app that tracks everything, accounts, investments, savings, goals, and spending. You can also get your first year of Monarch for half off, just $50 with promo code DATING. But no matter what you're working on, if you have a savings goal that you're trying to hit, a net worth milestone, Monarch can help you with that. Most apps only tell you what you've already spent. But Monarch helps you with the future. It helps you map out the big purchases, see if you're actually on track before it's too late to adjust. It's kind of like just having a money manager in your pocket. That is also a really pretty app and easy to use. Use code DATING at Monarch.com to get your first year half off at just $50. That's 50% off your first year at Monarch.com with code DATING. And then I found out that he had took her daughter engagement ring shopping for her. What? Yeah. She sent me the ring that he was going to buy and everything. Were you surprised by these or did these coming one after the other get to a point where you're late? Yep. I'm going to be really honest. I begged her for absolutely every bit of piece of information she had and knew because I knew once I got all that information, it would help me get the fuck over him sooner than it has. It truly has. I mean, it's sickening. I was sick to my fucking stomach as she told me these things. But in the same breath, it was like, fuck you. I'm done. I'm so glad this is done. Who the fuck did I marry? Who the fuck did I marry? What else? We're going to cross into the weird zone now. Oh boy. No. This is actually the really disturbing zone. So him and I, we love to watch true crime documentaries, stuff like that. Well, do you remember when the new Ed Gein documentary came out? So Ed Gein would have intercourse with dead bodies. Well, he had let me know that one of the times she was at the hotel with him, he told her to take a ice cold bath and immediately get out and lay on the bed and let him have sex with her as if he was fucking a dead body. No. No. No. And that probably was the most disturbing thing I had ever discovered because in my head, I'm thinking, what if he would have actually strangled me to that point? And I died and he did that to me. Oh, here's another really fucked up thing. He told her to cut her bangs, keep her hair black and long and to gain weight so she could look like me. Oh my god. She said that she gained over a hundred pounds since she met him. On purpose. And now she's on, I believe she said she's on heart medication because of it now. I want to have a conversation with C. I don't really, but someone needs to. But she, but here's the thing. Since the night he got arrested, I remember when I got home, I texted her and I said they arrested him. And from that point on, we talked nonstop for like three weeks every day, every single day. And she literally is like, I am so sorry that I was ever a part of this at first. I didn't know about you. I can't believe that he lied to both of us. Like she was holding so strong and she was against him like I was. And I was like, oh my god, like are we going to become weird fucked up friends together? So from the time he had gotten arrested up until the very end of January, she was a girl's girl on my side was basically like, fuck him. He deserves to rot. I mean, was fully supporting me, everything like that. And then on February 2nd, I had gotten notification from my victim advocate and she had let me know that he had ended up getting into contact with C because he had gotten the tablet and he had gotten his brother to figure out her phone number to message her. And they started messaging and my victim advocate had let me know that. So I messaged her on February 2nd and I said, C, don't give into him, please, he's trying to manipulate you. He's going to do the same thing to you. I'm not saying this out of bitterness, but I want you to be safe. I thought and then one of the things that one of the first things he said to her was like he wants to build the trust back with her. So I texted her, I thought if in quotes, we built the trust back with him, things would be fine, but he never even stopped cheating on me with you. And she said, I don't know how to feel I'd be okay with being his friend. I feel like I met him for a reason and I don't know why I don't trust him. I'm not concerned for my safety though. I appreciate you more than you realize. He's clearly being super pushy because he needs comfort and thinking he has a plan on the outside. Any and may need some sort of hope. So C and I were actually still becoming friends until I found out that she began conversating with my ex-husband again. So then after that night, after he had gotten arrested and I had found everything out, that is when the court process began. And I was contacted by a victim advocate and she told me what was going to happen that Monday. So I met up with her that Monday and that is where I got a temporary protection order. Okay. And what was that experience like a little bit? For real. I mean, he was in the room and I kid you not, we were sitting probably at most eight feet from one another. And what was he like? And he looked fucking pitiful. And it pisses me off because he knows what he did, but he was trying to make himself look even more sorry in front of the judge. Like the glasses are off. I could fucking see him for who he was. And I knew that he was doing that on purpose, especially like he has a very deep soothing velvety voice. One of the reasons I fell for him. And when we go to court, it's like he was making his voice crack on purpose and just sounds so pitiful. And I literally turned around to my victim advocate. I said, that is not what he normally fucking sounds like. He was putting on the whole act. Absolutely. Again, he absolutely was. Did you feel like the judge in the court system and the victim advocate were like, how was that experience? It was good? I, yes, because I was scared. I was like, Oh my God, what if they don't charge him with anything? What if they don't believe me? What if I didn't have enough evidence and whatnot? But thank God it went as smoothly and as quickly as I think humanly possible. I mean, it still took a while, but it's court. That's, I mean, it's going to happen. But I know other people don't have that kind of experience with the justice system, but I am super thankful that I had such a good experience and they got the job done. So we had the, the protection order hearing and during that hearing that is where the judge literally asked me how long I wanted the protection order to be for. And I said, All of it. What's the longest you can do? And he said, well, you can pick six months to five years. And I immediately, without hesitation, said I want five years. And I'll never forget he looked over at me and just had like a, oh my God, like a sad face. Like, like, I'm so nice. Like what? And so the judge was literally took a matter of minutes. He's like, okay. And he got up and he wrote up the paperwork, went into another room, printed it off, came back in, had me sign it. I immediately signed that bitch. He brought it over to my ex-husband's table for him to sign. And he, at first, he wouldn't even pick up the pen. And he looks up at the judge and he goes, Can you please not make it five years? Please, please, please. Can we please just lessen it, please? And the judges looked at him and said, that's what she picked. She gets to pick. And he looked back down at the paperwork and then he finally picked up the pen and signed it. Oh my God. And then I believe the next hearing was basically him just coming in and then reading off what he's being charged with, asking him if he wants to plead guilty or not guilty. And that type of hearing actually happened like three times because his public defender kept asking for a continuance. And the only reason he did that is because a lot of victims, if they make time pass, then the victims drop the case. Little does he know it's pissing me off more. Get this fucking show on the road. I'm done with this. Let's get it going. So finally, oh, also I had gotten together a humongous folder of all the evidence. I had multiple screenshots of text messages printed off to show them how he spoke to me. I took pictures of the blood on the shower curtain, the fingerprint bruising on both of my arms, the marks that were on my arms, the wall where he drugged me down by my hair and my leg, hit the wall and the drywall came off of the wall. When he punched the hole in the door, the cops took pictures of my neck. They also took pictures because he had my wrist pinned down on the bed. So they had pictures of my wrist, not bruising, but red marks on my wrist. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Every step in that process, as good as it is to have the evidence and the people working on the case, it's just one trauma after another. So they looked over all the evidence and basically told him, like, you're cooked. It's like, you got to, you can't plead not guilty anymore because he had pled not guilty. And then his public defender is like, you can't, you got to take a plea. So then he finally pled guilty and the plea deal was four years. At first, he was getting charged with four, fourth degree felony strangulations, a second degree abduction charge. Oh, wow. A third degree kidnapping charge, a first degree misdemeanor of domestic violence. And I think that's it. So those were the charges he was looking at. So they dropped the kidnapping charge, which I'm a little upset about because if they would have kept that kidnapping charge, he would have potentially got like 10 years. Yeah, he would have gotten a lot longer for sure. For that singular charge. Oh my God. But they dropped it. And I think they dropped it because he's a first time offender. He's never even gotten like a speeding ticket. So his official charges for the plea was or are second degree felony strangulation. So they bumped those four, fourth degree felony strangulations up to one second degree felony strangulation. Okay. And then they kept the third degree abduction charge. They dropped the kidnapping charge. And then they kept the first degree misdemeanor domestic violence charge because if he were to catch another domestic violence charge, then that first degree misdemeanor bumps up to a felony. To a felony. Yep. So four years. Were you in the courtroom when that happened? Yes. Oh yeah. How did that? How did that? I mean, I already knew that was happening. My victim advocate, along with a prosecutor, called me a week or two before. Let me know that he changed his mind. He was going to plead guilty and let me know what his charges were going to be. So I kind of already knew that. So it was no surprise to me. I just found it annoying that every time we would be in court, whether it was for our protection order or his sentencing hearing, he would just act and look pitiful. Like he just oh, whoa is me. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Would make his voice crack. Like he just made his voice sound not as deep on purpose. Like it just, just pitiful. Yeah. So when was that when he was, when the verdict came through? April 8th. This just happened. Yeah. That was just over a month ago. Yeah. Oh my God. Also, while dealing with all of the court hearings for the criminal part of the process, I also had filed for divorce and had to go through the divorce process as well. During our divorce hearing, he just acted like a tough guy and I couldn't believe we had a different, all the different types of hearings were different judges and our divorce hearing judge was so rude to me and was nice to him. I don't know. And it really, it really annoyed me when the judge, we've, so we walked. So he was already sitting down when I walked in the room for our divorce hearing and the judge had me raise my right hand, state my name, you know, all that. And he said, so you're here on the grounds of divorce due to infidelity. And then I, and then I said, I said yes, infidelity and he tried to kill me. Little thing, little detail. And then the judge said, okay. And then he had him do the same thing, raise his right hand, state his name, swear him in. And he's lucky that I had every right to take half of his shit and I didn't. Why didn't you? You just, was it? Because I don't want more reason, I don't want more reason for him to try to come after me when he gets out. Yep. Four years. Yeah, that's a good lengthy sentence, especially as a first time offender. But that's plenty of time for when he gets out to come try and find me. Yes. It's not that long. It's not. Not long enough. And I asked my victim advocate, I said, does he have a chance to get out early? And she said he does, but it's very, very, very hard to, especially with his type of charges. But it's possible. It was only one, one time I had to go in for the divorce and that was pretty much it. I actually just received my divorce degree on last Saturday. Yeah. So the night, so our divorce hearing was March 9th and I didn't get our divorce degree until two months later on May 9th. So you're not only going to all of these court dates, which is traumatic in itself, but it's happening right after this like intense experience. Right after. Like how was that emotionally day to day? Like not just sitting in the car. Like how are you functioning? That's my question because I don't understand. When I honestly, I don't, I don't remember. I just got through it. Like a lot of people ask me and a lot of people who have seen my TikTok and have commented on it, they're like, how does somebody heal or how does somebody get through this? And it's literally just day by day. But also, I think a huge part of this, which is this healthy. I don't know. But I'm a petty person and I'm not going to let him take any more of my life or my light girl. Go ahead. Already has. So that's just how I've, I've been going through it. I mean, I'm not going to let him hold any, anything else over my head. When, when did you start posting about this on TikTok? So we got arrested on December 20th. I posted on December 24th. And as you start gaining a following of people invested in your story, what was the best part of that? And what was the worst part of that? Oh man, I'm going to cry. Fred, we love you. The absolute best part of all of this is other women reaching out to me, thanking me and telling me that I gave them the courage to also leave. There's been three women so far that I've helped leave. Oh, that's a whole world. Those are the three worlds. Good for you. I have good, I have good thoughts. Like me saying that means the world to me is it doesn't even come close to like the actual feeling. And I am just so happy that I've been able to help other people like that. I truly, I've made that my life's mission now. And I've posted on Facebook, I shared your guys podcast on Facebook, and I explained on there that I'm not getting paid for this. I don't give a shit about my following. I don't care how many likes I have. I will continue and continue and continue to post about my experience and how I'm able to help others like the three, the three women that were able to get out like asking for help. And I asked them, what state are you in? What city are you in? Let me look up the websites and organizations that are near you and send it to them. Incredible. They've all messaged me like I left today. I left last night. That's so good. I'm at my mom's house. I'm at the police station filing a report right now. Like, that just feels so good. I'm so proud of them. But at the same time, I will say that it does kind of scare me because the most violent time for a victim is when they leave. It's when they leave right after they leave. And I tell them, I said, please, please, please, please, please, make sure you have other people you can lean on. Please as much as it sucks so people can believe you document anything and everything you possibly can. So you have it not only for yourself, but for other people in the court system. That's a good tip. The documentation. Absolutely. Email yourself when things happen, events of what happened so that you have that time stamped, as well as writing it down manually. I mean, like there's, it's not always perfect, but there's a lot that we can try to do to protect ourselves moving forward. I hate that we have to do any of it. Yeah, it's horrible that we have to prove that to people. They can't just believe us. So that's been the most rewarding part of all of this going through this. And part of me believes that I went through this so I can help other people. Man, I think that is so one of our guests came on and said, your voice is your weapon. And you coming on your Tik Tok and sharing on our podcast, like you're talking about it. And that's exactly what you're doing is you're helping other people build their own weapons and be brave enough to talk about it themselves. And that's, there's just something for that sense of community that you create when you talk about it. And I just think you're amazing for it. And I can't thank you enough for, for being so brave. I'm so impressed by you and proud of you. And also just so grateful that you're, you know, all we want is to give you and people like you the opportunity to make that story even louder. So I think that the three women that you've helped in that way, like I said, it's just the beginning. And we'll be sure to keep you in the loop of the response. And also, like, can you keep us updated on how you're doing, especially? I mean, I know this sounds weird, but like in four years, let us know how you're feeling when he's getting out. I just am scared already. It is definitely scary when I think about when he is going to eventually get released. But one thing that I keep telling myself is there's no point in worrying now when I'm going to worry down the line, because then I'm going to make myself go through it twice. So I know that I'm okay for now, but I do know in the future that I probably will be on edge. I probably will be a little bit worried. But I'm not going to let one person's actions ruin the rest of my life. I'm not going to let him take another second of my life away. Okay. First of all, I love Hannah and I loved. Oh my God, thank you so much. The story was awful, but the part at the end when she says, I just want to help other women and I've been able to help other women, that is so inspiring and encouraging. So I'm just grateful for her for being brave enough to share. So we didn't really get into a deep analysis last week. So we're going to go from the beginning and Dogfish debrief, which if you're new to the dating detectives, that is when we talk about everything we can learn, things that came up, maybe just the nuggets we want to expand on. We're just going to unpack the story together. It sucks that it started nice. She was like, yeah, he moved in quick, but he slipped the bills and paid for things. It was a green flag situation in a lot of ways. Yes, we say moving quickly is something to be cautious of, but it's not always bad. It doesn't always turn out bad. Yeah. Yeah. So they get married or they get engaged eight months in because he was just so excited. But that's not super, super fast, like eight months isn't a lot. I mean, it's not years, but it's definitely, I think, a reasonable amount of time, in my opinion. I think that, I mean, they said they really never fought at the beginning, which always, it does make me think, it gives me pause partially because I'm just somebody who doesn't keep my emotions down. So if I have a problem, like I just, if we're in a relationship, there's going to be a fight. It's not going to be an unhealthy fight, rupture and repair. However, I just am like, I don't know, but I know other people don't feel that way. So I think it's an interesting, is it a red flag or not? If in the beginning you don't really fight very much, but then they started happening when they got married. It's like a switch flipped. Yeah. But she could chalk it up to like, oh, we got married. Of course, there's more tension now. But if you don't know how to handle those fights from a semi-early stage, that worries me. That's all. But then yeah, he's got his unknown friend that he's moving, like those little red flags, the excuses like that. And she knew. I mean, like in the back of her mind, she was like, huh, that's weird, but you don't have evidence yet. So what are you going to do? Be the crazy new wife? Yeah, it's like, oh, we just got married and now suddenly you want to be psycho and not believe what I'm doing. Oh, now we're married. You can act like this. No, he used the marriage almost as a reason to change. He used a lot of things that, and a lot of our dogfists do that, where he talked about not wanting to go to a wedding because he didn't want to be the only black man there. And that's a fair feeling for him to have, if it's honest. But now I don't believe anything. Like I think if he's going to get what he wants, he'll use whatever sympathy he can get, which is invalidating to all the people that actually do have those needs. Exactly. Yes. And then the violence started and the sexual assault happened. And it was incredibly hard to listen to, but I wanted to talk about her reaction after being raped, because she talked about kind of convincing herself and him convincing her that it wasn't rape. And I was looking into how that works and found rape trauma syndrome. I found a couple of things, just basic about how trauma responses work, like you're just denial is a form of survival, you're trying to protect yourself from being retraumatized. So if you can create a fiction in your brain, then maybe it's like, Oh, that didn't really happen. And also staying silent or freezing or not making a move to leave or take action. It's not a voluntary choice. Usually it's usually your body just going into that state for protection. So it's not like someone's like, Hmm, what am I going to do now? It's very much a trauma response. But okay, so this is from Marine R A I N N, which is an organization that does a lot of work for rape and sexual assault survivors. And it talks about three phases that people go through after being assaulted. The first one is the acute phase. So that's immediately after that's like, from a few days to a few weeks. And there's three different categories typically of how people react. And the first one is expressed. So you're very openly emotional, you're hysterical, you're crying, you have anxiety attacks, you're agitated. And I do think she experienced that like she was aware, she called it for what it is, she told him, how could you do that? You know, like she was emotional. There's also controlled, which is when you appear without emotion and act like everything's fine. That's often due to shock. So if you're being calm, it's not usually because you're actually calm. And then there's also shocked disbelief. So that's where you're just disoriented. You're having trouble concentrating, you can't make decisions, you can't do everyday tasks, and you might even not remember the assault very well. And all three make sense to me. And they're not the only like three, you know, they're just the most common ways that people respond. And then there's the outward adjustment phase. And that's when you try to resume normal life. But there's a lot going on inside, obviously. And then there's five main coping techniques that people fall into. And the first one is minimization, where you're just like, everything's fine. And specifically, I think this speaks to a lot of people. It could have been worse is a way that you describe it to yourself. So you might acknowledge that it happened, but you still kind of push it down. There's dramatization, which is when you really can't stop talking about it, and it becomes dominant in your entire life and your identity, it's like your whole life all of a sudden. And there's suppression. And that's when you act like it didn't happen. And there's a lot of very justifiable reasons for that. I think, like, we can talk about it, you're scared of further harm, you're scared of self blame and the implications of that, you're scared of the legal process. You were groomed. And I think he tried to play into that. I don't know that it was like the same grooming that we talked about in other ways, but just by saying like, oh, you're into this sexual thing. You like this, you wanted this, it makes it confusing, you know, so you're just really confused. And then also another reason is because you're emotionally attached. You love this person. Yeah, you don't want them to have rape to you. Yeah. Then another response is exploitation, like you're just analyzing everything, you're trying to understand what happened, and you might really get into what the rapist was thinking and feeling. And I think that makes a lot of sense where you're like trying to justify their actions, you might be able to acknowledge that it happened, but yeah, well, he was dealing with this, he's got this trauma background from his childhood, like, that's so true. And reminder, I use he because that's what we're talking about, but it's not always meant. And then the last one is flight, you just try to escape the pain, you move, you change your job, you change your appearance, you change your relationships, you GTFO. And it's very possible to jump between these responses. Healing is not linear, you move forward and backwards and all over the place. And this is also the stage of all of the symptoms of anxiety and fear and maybe sleep problems or eating disorders and withdrawing. There's so many trauma responses that I want. The reason I wanted to go through all of this is just so people recognize that your response is normal, however you respond, basically, like these are all scientifically backed. And then finally, there's a resolution phase, which is acceptance, moving on to the extent that you can never really move on, but you can continue your life. And I just think it's important to know this because of how many people wonder why someone stays with a rapist, why someone defends their rapist. Why do you stay? Why do you stay? And there's so many reasons. And it's not at a conscious level. It's happening beneath the surface. And can I also say, I saw this on an article on psychology today, so I'll check the stats, but I trust this at this base level that it said almost one to fourth of survivors continue to have sex with their rapist and almost one third stay with their rapist. Wow. That's a huge number. It's sad, but it should make you realize that it's not because these people are weak or stupid or consciously choosing this. It's because of what happens in your response and traumatic response. Like it's just, ugh, and there's a lot of benefits to ignoring it. You don't experience as much PTSD. Yeah. And there's no mandatory response to any of this, to any domestic abuse or any rape or sexual assault. Like there's never, there's just never a mandate. Like I should feel sad, but I don't or whatever. You, it's just not mandatory. However you feel is totally legit every time, period. Ugh, and that doesn't even get into us talking about how she was afraid of losing the family that she'd gotten close to. Yeah, that breaks my heart. Or hurting him because of what he's threatened in the past and also the legal stuff. Like there's just so much that goes into acknowledging that you are a victim. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. Hannah, thank you for sharing. You guys, I was just like interested. Oh, you're talking about Hannah. I was like, thank you, me for sharing. This is what we do, girl. No, thank you for sharing too, because I think that's so important, but also to our guests, Hannah, because there's so many times when people stay quiet because they don't want to be perceived a certain way. And I feel like it's more important to say it out loud and you could be a blessing to someone else. You could really inspire or encourage someone else with your story. And that's why we ask you to continue to talk about it and continue to share. If you want to, if not, then I hope that some of our guests provide you with some hope and comfort. Totally. And it's, we've got a lot more work to do. I mean, we talked about it. Totally, absolutely. Yeah, the laws have not changed fast enough. And I think it was 1993. They can't keep up. 1993 was when it became illegal to rape your spouse. It wasn't illegal until then. Like I was born at that, like I was, like, I, that's in my generation. That's crazy. Other stuff that after that happened. Oh, there's more and more and more. I mean, there was so much to take in. I kind of, obviously, there was so much domestic violence and threatening behavior. And I'm so glad that her experience with law enforcement and the justice system was good. Because that's not always the case. But the fact that the police believed her and also were very clear about like, you got to take this seriously, this is a threat, like he is a threat. She needed that. The next time I see you, I'll be taking you away in a body bag. That gave me full body chills. I'm glad that he said that because she said that was the one thing that really made her think, damn, he's right. If this continues, this could be deadly. Because when you're in it, it's so hard to see and you see the good side of them and you see the side he fell in love with. And you don't know how the response is going to be when you actually move on. Like I think having that one or two other people that just kind of shake you by the shoulders is so helpful. And then the victim advocate she talked about, let us know if you guys would be interested in trying to talk to either her or any victim advocate, because I think that would be a really cool Patreon episode. The victim advocate, I think would be so beneficial to hear from, just because I feel like that would provide hope as well. And more information like, well, what do victim advocates do? How do they help? And if you are someone going through that or most of us know someone that's going through something that's scary like that, it can help you help someone else too. So it just, I would love to hear from her. Also, if any of you want to become a victim advocate, it would be cool to hear about that process. I love that Hannah was like, that's something I'm considering now. That's really cool. I know. It's so special. She's making the best out of the worst possible situation, sharing her story and connecting with these people. So yeah, that was, I loved hearing all about that. There's a lot that she learned about her ex-husband, which is insane stuff. Like he was quote unquote, Polly, he told people, I can't believe he was like, no, we're in a thruple. And it's like, wait, dragging out the case to get victims to drop cases. I wrote down because I think that's isn't that terrible. That's manipulation. That's manipulation. How often do you like, you've been as a PI, I know you've like seen more court stuff. I don't know, like, does that just happen all the time or people are just like trying to like run the clock and run the bill, they run the tab up? Yeah. So they'll do that in order to get someone to like settle on a case. So they want it because it makes them money, but also they want to get rid of, they want to get it off their docket because then it just like piles up and it's just costing everybody more money. And then it's like, well, what's the solution? Well, we don't have a let's just settle. So when you hear a case and someone's like, oh, they settled out of court, it's because this would have taken years to go through litigation. And so they're like, listen, that's going to take too long. Just give me a settlement period. And so that's what people want to do. And so they just want to get over with it as soon as possible. And I do think that unfortunately, that happens more than I'm sure we want to admit. Well, especially in a case like this, it's so annoying that they play on the victim's trauma because they know that a case is going to be traumatic. Like I think forcing it to be drawn out is just keeping the victim in this place and not allowing them to move on. And so of course, eventually they might drop it or want to do whatever they can to get away from that situation. Like that just makes me so upset. And I wish there was some kind of way to be like, no, you can't do that for this kind of case. So who do I talk to? I have a question as a social media performer, but I'm curious if you like when she was talking about posting on TikTok, she now I'm less concerned, but she was posting during the trial. Like could that have hurt her case? Yeah. To be posting? Okay. I wasn't sure. So okay, when you make a video or when someone says something and it's recorded, if you say, I really hate you, Hannah, you really got me on that surprise birthday party. But they take out, I really hate you, Hannah. Yeah. Like, oh, I hate you, girl. I can't believe you surprised me. I can't believe you're whatever. So you say the words that you say are taken out of context. So anything that she said could have been presented to a jury or to a court the words individually. So they could have not had the whole context of the whole video. So anybody trying to prove something could say, but these are the words she said, and she could say, but that's not the whole sentence. That's not what I meant. They're like, but you said these words. And so little things like that could really be taken out of context. And that's how it hurts you. And if she says anything that is different, like, Oh, he was wearing, he was wearing blue, blue pants. And then the next time she says his blue green pants, and they're like, well, were they blue or were they blue green? Now you can't trust you, you're lying. You're, you're a liar. Oh, I mean, I, I love how open she's been on social media. And obviously it's changed your life for the better. And the case is done. So now it's fine. But I just wanted to point that out, because if you are somebody that wants to get up and talk about what's happened to you, like just cross your T's and dot your eyes, like talk to any legal people, victim advocates or anybody in your circle to make sure that when you go on to tell your story, like you do it in a way that protects you, because I would hate for anybody to start, start talking about what happened to them. And then it comes back to bite them because we are obviously always encouraging you to talk about what happened to you if it helps. Yeah. Well, I'm glad it worked out in her favor. I mean, to the extent that it did four years is not enough. But at least he got some jail time and I'm nervous for when he gets out. I know. I was thinking that too. I was like, but when he gets out, what's going to happen? Like he still thinks she's this white, he she whatever, I'm not into it. I don't, I don't. Yeah, I don't know. And you guys have been really helpful in the past when we've had cases with people dealing with jail, honestly, and like their aggressor being in prison. Like, I know there are resources for victims like that when they come out. So if you've ever experienced anything that you want to pass along to Anna, resources, suggestions, support. It's so amazing when you guys do that. I can't, that our community, how amazing is our community? The best. It's so freaking good. You guys are freaking insane. We just love you. Thank you. I feel like we've started really weeding out the butt heads and it's like everybody here is on board with the idea that our guests are never to blame. We can learn from them and empower ourselves, but like we're all in this together. High school musical. Absolutely. I really feel that for you guys. Anything else that you want to talk about or no, I can't wait to have things. I can't wait to hear how responsive and supportive our guests are and just I'm just I'm grateful for Hannah for sharing and I don't know. I just I'm excited to see who this helps. I know, I know. If you have a story, we're always here for you. Yeah, email us, investigate at the dating detectives podcast.com. Come to our live shows and join our Patreon. Everything's in the show notes, the ads, the live show tickets, the Patreon, the socials, all the things. You guys are smart. You know how this works. Reach out to us, stay in touch. We love you. We're hugging you from afar. This was a really hard story, but super grateful for her. We're proud of you and we love you and as always, trust your family.